WEBVTT - Sober Curious? When alcohol isn’t helping anymore 0:00:00.720 --> 0:00:03.160 Why is it so hard to get real answers about 0:00:03.200 --> 0:00:06.560 your health? If you've been told that everything looks fine, 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:09.680 but you know that something is off, we're not imagining it. 0:00:09.880 --> 0:00:13.200 That's why I created Vitality three sixty to help you 0:00:13.240 --> 0:00:16.439 better understand what's going on inside your body so that 0:00:16.520 --> 0:00:19.680 you can take the targeted action needed. With a functional 0:00:19.680 --> 0:00:23.560 health approach plus testing, we go beyond the guesswork to 0:00:23.680 --> 0:00:26.960 uncover the root causes of your symptoms. I've teamed up 0:00:26.960 --> 0:00:31.160 with Doctyesmina, an incredible integrative GP, and together we will 0:00:31.200 --> 0:00:34.879 help you decode your body's signals and answer questions like 0:00:35.120 --> 0:00:38.880 why am I always exhausted? What's really causing my stubborn weight? 0:00:39.159 --> 0:00:43.520 Am I inflamed? Insulin resistant? Or maybe missing key nutrients? 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:46.800 Because when you understand your body better, you can transform 0:00:46.840 --> 0:00:49.680 your health. Visit v three sixty dot health or check 0:00:49.720 --> 0:00:54.680 out the show notes for more. My sister in law, Susannah, 0:00:54.760 --> 0:00:58.360 and I have been through a lot. I first met 0:00:58.400 --> 0:01:01.840 sus when I was twenty s and she was twenty three. 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:04.240 So when Tim and I first started dating, and we 0:01:04.400 --> 0:01:08.160 had so much fun together, we'd often end up in 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:10.000 the clubs partying together. 0:01:10.680 --> 0:01:12.280 Tim's actually one of six. 0:01:12.600 --> 0:01:16.399 So there's five boys and one girl, Sus, and so 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:18.720 often the brothers, some of the brothers will come and 0:01:18.800 --> 0:01:20.920 join us at the clubs. I guess that's what you 0:01:21.040 --> 0:01:23.920 do in your twenties, you're just out having a fun time. 0:01:24.000 --> 0:01:25.959 It was awesome. I've got such great memories. 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:30.319 Then, as the years progress, marriages, babies, you know, we're 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:32.279 all growing up, settling down. 0:01:32.480 --> 0:01:35.520 And it was around that time that I just started. 0:01:35.160 --> 0:01:38.640 To notice a few cracks with Sus. The family barbecues, 0:01:38.760 --> 0:01:42.440 we'd all be winding down towards the end of the barbecue, 0:01:42.480 --> 0:01:45.280 but she seemed to be ramping up, always with a 0:01:45.360 --> 0:01:48.520 drink in hand. I also noticed some changes in her personality. 0:01:49.120 --> 0:01:53.240 Sometimes she'd be really shut down and quiet, and then 0:01:53.360 --> 0:01:56.240 other times she'd be so talkative and chatty, but then 0:01:56.280 --> 0:01:59.800 get argumentative and then quite emotional. And it was around 0:01:59.840 --> 0:02:03.200 that time we all started to worry. Actually, remember this 0:02:03.280 --> 0:02:07.760 one event, Sus was very very upset, and so she 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:10.360 and I kind of broke away from the group and 0:02:10.440 --> 0:02:13.240 we sat on the couch together and we spoke and 0:02:13.400 --> 0:02:16.440 cried for hours, and I felt like I had finally 0:02:16.440 --> 0:02:19.000 gotten through to her. And so the next day I 0:02:19.080 --> 0:02:21.240 called her to check in and see how she was doing, 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:24.480 and it became really clear to me that she basically 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:27.919 didn't even remember the conversation that we'd had the night before. 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:30.640 I just felt like I could not get through to 0:02:30.720 --> 0:02:33.920 her after that, so I really stepped back. Tim, his 0:02:34.080 --> 0:02:36.320 dad and his brothers had I guess what you'd call 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:39.400 an intervention with her that didn't seem to go well. 0:02:39.560 --> 0:02:42.320 So I really felt like I had lost my sister 0:02:42.360 --> 0:02:59.600 in law. This is healthy her with Amelia Phillips. Today's 0:02:59.600 --> 0:03:02.840 episode is going to be one of the most personal 0:03:02.919 --> 0:03:05.560 ones that I've ever done. In a minute, I'm going 0:03:05.600 --> 0:03:09.519 to introduce you to my beautiful sister in law, Susanna Myerson, 0:03:09.840 --> 0:03:13.920 who is one of the bravest, strongest people I know. 0:03:14.320 --> 0:03:18.360 I lost Susanna for about two or three years to alcohol. 0:03:18.520 --> 0:03:22.240 We hardly spoke, I actively avoided her, and she was 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:25.920 the source of so much worry for me, for Tim, 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:29.520 and of course for the family. But to our incredible 0:03:29.520 --> 0:03:32.400 surprise and joy, Susannah found. 0:03:32.160 --> 0:03:33.200 Her way back to us. 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:36.880 She was able to find sobriety, and she has bravely 0:03:36.960 --> 0:03:40.120 stepped forward to tell her story and now helps others 0:03:40.160 --> 0:03:42.960 who have recognized that alcohol is no longer serving them. 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:47.119 Susannah is an executive producer based in Sydney. She's now 0:03:47.200 --> 0:03:51.480 nearly seven years sober. That just blows my mind. She 0:03:51.600 --> 0:03:55.080 now runs the Sober Curious Reset, which is a four 0:03:55.160 --> 0:03:58.680 week guided online program for women who are questioning their 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:01.920 relationship with alcohol. And look, it's not about needing a 0:04:02.000 --> 0:04:06.600 label or waiting until you've hit bottom. It's really a 0:04:06.680 --> 0:04:10.880 welcoming peer led space where women can get honest, feel 0:04:10.960 --> 0:04:15.400 less alone, get curious and really explore what's underneath. Because, 0:04:15.760 --> 0:04:19.240 as Susannah discovered, giving up alcohol wasn't the end of 0:04:19.279 --> 0:04:19.839 the story. 0:04:19.960 --> 0:04:24.840 It was actually just the beginning. Sues, Welcome to healthy Hair. 0:04:25.360 --> 0:04:29.440 Oh thanks, Phil's wow, what an intro. Thank you for 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:29.920 having me. 0:04:30.520 --> 0:04:32.720 We've been through a lot, haven't we. 0:04:32.720 --> 0:04:35.560 We sure have. Yeah, I'm lucky to have you as 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:36.960 one of my sills. 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:41.120 Oh Darling, Well, let's start with your story, because you know, 0:04:41.160 --> 0:04:45.279 from the outside, most people would never have known that 0:04:45.320 --> 0:04:47.960 you had an issue with alcohol. You were just kind 0:04:48.000 --> 0:04:51.440 of fun, Sues. When did things start to change for you? 0:04:51.720 --> 0:04:52.520 Yeah? 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:55.320 I don't think that there was one definitive moment where 0:04:55.360 --> 0:04:56.320 everything changed. 0:04:56.760 --> 0:04:58.400 It wasn't like a switch flipped. 0:04:58.560 --> 0:05:00.960 It was definitely a slow build up over years, and 0:05:01.000 --> 0:05:03.080 I think for a long time I didn't even see 0:05:03.080 --> 0:05:06.480 it as a problem either, because in my world it wasn't. 0:05:06.680 --> 0:05:09.720 I worked in advertising for every twenty years, and back 0:05:09.760 --> 0:05:11.000 then drinking. 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:11.640 Was just part of the job. 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.320 So I have, yeah, client lunches nearly every day that 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:19.480 turn into dinners wrap drinks after every single shoot. It 0:05:19.520 --> 0:05:22.560 was all part of my professional identity and I was 0:05:22.640 --> 0:05:25.120 the fun series, and to be fair, I was having 0:05:25.120 --> 0:05:26.120 a great time doing it. 0:05:26.240 --> 0:05:28.920 I loved the work. I loved the pace and. 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:33.600 Traveling the world filming commercials, and the drinking kept. 0:05:33.360 --> 0:05:34.640 Pace with every bit of that. 0:05:35.080 --> 0:05:40.000 So success in alcohol was so intertwined that I generally 0:05:40.000 --> 0:05:43.440 couldn't tell where one ended and the other began. But gradually, 0:05:43.480 --> 0:05:47.000 over time the alcohol started working against me. And I 0:05:47.000 --> 0:05:49.800 think what I realized is underneath all that, there were 0:05:49.800 --> 0:05:51.799 many things happening in my own life that I didn't 0:05:51.800 --> 0:05:54.320 really process at the time. I got married quite young 0:05:54.400 --> 0:05:57.080 at twenty four, and as you know, and I was 0:05:57.160 --> 0:06:01.400 running highly successful, fast pace production, coming with lots of 0:06:01.440 --> 0:06:04.640 travel and working very hard, and drinking was all intertwined 0:06:04.680 --> 0:06:07.160 in that. And I've got so much gratitude for that marriage. 0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:09.919 We've got a beautiful daughter together and we co parent 0:06:10.000 --> 0:06:13.360 really well, which I'm so grateful for. But after that 0:06:13.400 --> 0:06:15.640 marriage ended, I just I didn't know how to cope. 0:06:15.720 --> 0:06:18.120 I was running a business. I had to keep showing 0:06:18.200 --> 0:06:22.520 up and keep performing, and we would split the time 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:25.320 with our daughter one week on, one week off, and 0:06:25.440 --> 0:06:27.680 the week said I didn't have my daughter. I felt 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:32.640 extremely alone and the house was just so quiet. I 0:06:32.720 --> 0:06:34.760 just don't think a lot of people talk about that enough, 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:38.239 that early separation period, when you don't have your children. 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:40.880 You know, it's not natural for a mother to not 0:06:40.920 --> 0:06:42.120 have her child with her. 0:06:42.520 --> 0:06:45.839 Yeah, must feel like a real lurch where kind of 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:47.560 you know, when you're with your kids, you're just so 0:06:47.760 --> 0:06:51.760 in the moment and so involved. I can't imagine what 0:06:51.880 --> 0:06:53.680 it would be like to just it's almost like having 0:06:53.680 --> 0:06:56.520 the rug pulled out from under you for those weeks. 0:06:56.760 --> 0:06:57.839 Oh, that's so interesting. 0:06:58.320 --> 0:07:00.839 It's like you drop her off to a dad's house 0:07:00.839 --> 0:07:02.400 and then you go back home to your house and 0:07:02.440 --> 0:07:05.000 it's empty. You know, you see her toys in her bedroom, 0:07:05.040 --> 0:07:08.360 her bedroom's empty, and it's just it's heart wrenching. And 0:07:08.440 --> 0:07:11.160 I think those weeks that I didn't have her. I 0:07:11.320 --> 0:07:15.200 drank more, and I think that's because I hadn't worked. 0:07:14.920 --> 0:07:16.880 Through anything from that time in my life. 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:19.760 I hadn't processed the end of the marriage, the guilt, 0:07:20.080 --> 0:07:22.720 the grief, the shame around the fact that the marriage 0:07:22.720 --> 0:07:25.840 didn't work out. I just drank through it, and alcohol 0:07:25.920 --> 0:07:28.600 was just doing a job. It was managing the pain 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:31.560 that had nowhere to go, really, and as you know, 0:07:33.000 --> 0:07:36.320 the family staged an intervention. It was around this time, 0:07:36.400 --> 0:07:38.880 and you know, my dad and two of my brothers, 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:42.320 including Tim, your hubby, were waiting for me, which I 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:43.840 thought was going to be a normal dinner. 0:07:44.080 --> 0:07:45.000 Yeah, I remember. 0:07:45.360 --> 0:07:47.400 I remember the lead up to it, like there was 0:07:47.440 --> 0:07:49.560 a lot of talk between all of them, how are 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:51.440 we going to do this? I was like, guys, I 0:07:51.760 --> 0:07:54.160 didn't want to get involved, but I was glad they 0:07:54.200 --> 0:07:56.800 were doing something. But I did have a few red 0:07:56.840 --> 0:07:58.520 flags about it. But I'm just like, you know what, 0:07:58.600 --> 0:08:00.280 I've just got to let them do it the way 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:01.120 they want to do it. 0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:04.760 And so I remember the day that it happened. Tell 0:08:04.840 --> 0:08:05.320 us about that. 0:08:05.840 --> 0:08:08.760 Yeah, to be honest, I was quite furious about it. 0:08:10.480 --> 0:08:14.000 I told myself, they didn't understand that what was really 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:15.360 going on underneath. 0:08:15.520 --> 0:08:18.200 They probably didn't know what was going on underneath. They 0:08:18.280 --> 0:08:20.600 just saw what was going on on the outside and 0:08:20.800 --> 0:08:22.320 looked destructive totally. 0:08:22.520 --> 0:08:24.400 They're just looking at what's on the outside. 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:26.960 But also I didn't really know what was going on 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:30.000 underneath either at that time. I was blocking it and 0:08:30.320 --> 0:08:33.079 that was the problem. And I guess from that intervention, 0:08:33.720 --> 0:08:36.080 I didn't stop. I went the other way and I drank. 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:39.400 Harder as a bit of an fu or just it 0:08:39.480 --> 0:08:42.400 was like an extra layer of guilt, shame, whatever you 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:44.200 want to call it. It was an extra kind of 0:08:44.200 --> 0:08:46.520 emotional turmoil. Why did you drink more? 0:08:46.679 --> 0:08:48.680 At that point, I think that there was a bit 0:08:48.720 --> 0:08:51.320 of anger that they didn't get what was really going 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:54.760 on and really asked the question like why. 0:08:54.360 --> 0:08:55.120 Are you drinking? 0:08:55.360 --> 0:08:57.400 Like I guess, I was just a bit hurt bien 0:08:57.480 --> 0:08:59.160 and felt like they didn't understand. 0:09:00.000 --> 0:09:02.240 Obviously, no one in our family had been divorced before 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:05.200 my daughter was quite young. It was a very hard time. 0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:06.240 I was running a business. 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:09.000 It was just a really hard time for me, and 0:09:09.040 --> 0:09:11.920 I didn't I felt like it was more an attack 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:15.320 on my behavior than trying to actually work out what's 0:09:15.360 --> 0:09:16.319 going on underneath. 0:09:16.679 --> 0:09:19.920 And so what happened after that and how long after 0:09:19.960 --> 0:09:23.160 the intervention did you hit a rock bottom or it 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:25.760 took us through from that point to then when you 0:09:25.800 --> 0:09:27.760 did decide to do something. 0:09:28.559 --> 0:09:31.960 I just kept drinking, and then obviously I could feel 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:35.400 more people pulling away. So after the intervention, there was 0:09:35.640 --> 0:09:38.400 you know, less talk with my brothers, with my dad 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:41.480 and yourself. You know, I could feel that you guys 0:09:41.480 --> 0:09:44.800 were disappointed that I maybe hadn't listened as you had thought, 0:09:44.880 --> 0:09:46.960 But I was just still trying to cope with what 0:09:47.040 --> 0:09:50.360 I was going through. So there was no dramatic moment, 0:09:50.520 --> 0:09:52.600 no ambulance, no accident. 0:09:52.800 --> 0:09:55.160 It was just me one morning. 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:58.800 Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, just knowing with 0:09:58.880 --> 0:10:02.480 absolute certainty, if I didn't stop drinking, I will continue 0:10:02.480 --> 0:10:04.440 to keep pushing people away, and I was going to 0:10:04.480 --> 0:10:05.679 lose the one person I love the. 0:10:05.640 --> 0:10:07.319 Most, your partner, Sam. 0:10:07.400 --> 0:10:09.559 Yeah, I could feel Sam pulling away. 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:13.800 So on the morning of September twenty three, twenty nineteen, 0:10:13.960 --> 0:10:15.600 I woke up and just said enough. 0:10:15.920 --> 0:10:18.040 And that was day one. I haven't had a drink 0:10:18.080 --> 0:10:22.000 since Sam, who is now my husband. I could feel 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:23.240 he had been pulling away. 0:10:23.679 --> 0:10:26.080 Really, is that right? You felt like you were going 0:10:26.120 --> 0:10:27.360 to lose that relationship. 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:31.080 I could feel that it was causing problems to us 0:10:31.200 --> 0:10:33.920 our relationship, and I didn't know how to stop it. 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:37.160 So I did the only thing I thought I could do, and. 0:10:37.120 --> 0:10:40.160 I actually ended the relationship, even though I still loved him, 0:10:40.679 --> 0:10:42.359 because I didn't. 0:10:42.160 --> 0:10:43.640 Want to hurt him anymore. 0:10:43.720 --> 0:10:46.080 As much as it broke me to break up with him, 0:10:46.480 --> 0:10:48.439 I had to let him go. That was one of 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:51.000 the hardest things I've done. And then he met someone else, 0:10:51.280 --> 0:10:54.680 and watching that play out on social media, seeing him happy, 0:10:54.920 --> 0:10:57.319 seeing him move on, sent me to a place I'd 0:10:57.320 --> 0:11:00.640 never been before. I stopped caring about anything. I drank 0:11:00.679 --> 0:11:04.240 more than I ever had, But for some reason, Sam 0:11:04.280 --> 0:11:06.920 came back and I knew I. 0:11:06.840 --> 0:11:08.840 Had only one last chance with Sam. 0:11:09.040 --> 0:11:13.719 And there was no big conversation, no ultimatum, just the 0:11:13.800 --> 0:11:16.800 quiet understanding between two people who really love each other 0:11:17.320 --> 0:11:20.200 that something has to change, something has to give, and 0:11:20.559 --> 0:11:23.160 it had to be for me because that's the only 0:11:23.200 --> 0:11:25.640 way someone can get sober. I think, is if it's 0:11:25.920 --> 0:11:28.320 for them, you can't do it for anyone else. 0:11:28.400 --> 0:11:29.360 And I finally came to. 0:11:29.320 --> 0:11:32.320 That realization because I'd realized that the version of the 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:34.880 person I've been for the last twenty years and performing 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:37.120 and the mask that I was wearing just wasn't working 0:11:37.200 --> 0:11:37.880 anymore for me. 0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:40.960 It had worked so far against me. Now I push 0:11:41.040 --> 0:11:42.520 my family away, my. 0:11:42.440 --> 0:11:45.200 Marriage had ended, the relationship that I was in at 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:48.320 the time was about to end, and I knew that 0:11:48.679 --> 0:11:51.920 this was my last chance. So it was literally just 0:11:52.000 --> 0:11:54.000 that one morning I woke up and just my body 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:55.760 couldn't handle it anymore, and that was it. 0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:57.280 What did you do from then? 0:11:57.840 --> 0:12:00.040 Well, I waited for a few weeks to tell. 0:12:00.040 --> 0:12:03.640 Anyone because I knew that no one would believe me. 0:12:04.080 --> 0:12:04.960 Yeah, I wouldn't have. 0:12:05.200 --> 0:12:07.040 If you'd have called me that day and said, hey, 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:09.120 I've just decided to give up alcohol, I. 0:12:09.040 --> 0:12:11.360 Would have said up the phone and gone, oh here 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:12.400 she goes, Yeah. 0:12:12.240 --> 0:12:16.480 Exactly, And so I waited a few weeks to tell anyone. 0:12:16.840 --> 0:12:18.600 Sam was very supportive during. 0:12:18.400 --> 0:12:20.080 That time, So you did tell him. 0:12:20.360 --> 0:12:23.560 I told Sam, obviously because we're living together, but no 0:12:23.600 --> 0:12:26.840 one else. But I do remember telling Dad the moment 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:30.600 I drove to his office in Piermont. I think I 0:12:30.720 --> 0:12:33.520 was a few weeks Ober, probably four weeks, and I 0:12:33.600 --> 0:12:36.079 sat down in his office and I saidn't want to 0:12:36.120 --> 0:12:36.640 tell you something. 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:39.120 I know I've got a drinking problem and I'm going 0:12:39.160 --> 0:12:39.600 to get help. 0:12:39.840 --> 0:12:43.200 Oh wow, And we just hugged and cried and he 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:47.199 didn't question it, he could feel my pain, he didn't flinch, 0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:50.320 he was just proud and he knew I'd come to 0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:54.120 a breaking point. And being completely seen by him and 0:12:54.200 --> 0:12:57.600 still completely loved that gave me so much strength to 0:12:57.720 --> 0:13:00.559 keep going because I could tell me. 0:13:01.080 --> 0:13:05.160 Oh, sus and that's just what you needed and probably 0:13:05.160 --> 0:13:08.120 what you felt like you hadn't had up until that point. 0:13:08.280 --> 0:13:12.120 I can remember you trying to come and stay with 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:15.360 us because we'd recently moved up to the Northern Beaches 0:13:15.480 --> 0:13:18.199 in Avalon, and you had tried a couple of times, 0:13:18.200 --> 0:13:19.760 Tim and said, oh, Sue's wants to come up for 0:13:19.800 --> 0:13:22.320 the weekend, and I'd said, sorry, Tim, I just you know, 0:13:22.480 --> 0:13:24.600 I don't want to have the house full of alcohol. 0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:26.840 And I think I pushed back a couple of times. 0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:28.480 We would you know, I had four young kids at 0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:30.800 that point in time. I just couldn't deal it. But 0:13:30.840 --> 0:13:34.839 then finally you did come up for the weekend, and 0:13:35.000 --> 0:13:39.320 I will never forget you coming in. And you know, 0:13:39.400 --> 0:13:42.679 we all cried, and you said that you'd been sober 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:45.520 I think at that point for about a couple of 0:13:45.559 --> 0:13:49.800 months now, and I just remember us crying and me 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:52.920 just being so shocked. I had no idea that you'd 0:13:52.960 --> 0:13:56.360 gone through that whole journey and that you'd done it, 0:13:56.480 --> 0:13:58.840 you know, relatively alone as well. 0:13:59.400 --> 0:14:00.640 What was it like telling us? 0:14:00.880 --> 0:14:03.160 I remember driving up to avalon that day and my 0:14:03.240 --> 0:14:06.439 heart absolutely pounding the whole way there. I was thinking, 0:14:06.520 --> 0:14:08.440 are they even going to believe me? I knew, my 0:14:08.480 --> 0:14:10.680 heart I was going to continue to be sober. I 0:14:10.760 --> 0:14:12.600 just knew it, but I was worried you'd think that 0:14:12.600 --> 0:14:14.440 I'd go back to my old ways. I knew that 0:14:14.480 --> 0:14:16.640 you were skeptical. I think it was six weeks. It 0:14:16.679 --> 0:14:18.000 was six weeks sober at that point. 0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:19.000 Wow. 0:14:19.120 --> 0:14:22.080 Six weeks to me felt like everything and nothing at 0:14:22.080 --> 0:14:25.080 the same time. So you know, I wasn't just hoping 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:27.520 you'd believe me when I told you. I was hoping 0:14:27.520 --> 0:14:28.760 I could get close to you again. 0:14:29.040 --> 0:14:32.200 Honestly, it was like a brick wall fell down, and 0:14:32.400 --> 0:14:35.000 energetically you were already completely different. 0:14:35.120 --> 0:14:36.800 It's hard to describe it. 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:39.080 It was literally like a wall, and I don't know 0:14:39.120 --> 0:14:40.560 if it was a wall that I had put up, 0:14:40.600 --> 0:14:42.280 or a war that you had put up, But it 0:14:42.320 --> 0:14:46.320 was like an instantaneously I had old suits back. It 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:50.560 was just such a beautiful moment, and I was so 0:14:50.760 --> 0:14:53.960 incredibly proud because I knew how hard that would have 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:57.960 been to go for that long after what you've been through, 0:14:58.000 --> 0:15:00.640 and I know you're such a strong, hum human being, 0:15:01.160 --> 0:15:03.720 but to actually see that you were able to do it, 0:15:03.720 --> 0:15:07.120 it was an insanely proud moment. But what I have 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:10.960 heard you say Soue since then is that you thought 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:13.600 that giving up was going to be the hard part, 0:15:13.800 --> 0:15:15.920 but actually it was afterwards. 0:15:16.480 --> 0:15:18.480 Can you explain what you mean by that. 0:15:18.720 --> 0:15:21.120 Yeah, don't get me wrong, giving up our cohol is 0:15:21.280 --> 0:15:24.400 definitely hard, but I think what nobody tells you is 0:15:24.440 --> 0:15:26.960 that stopping is just the beginning, and that's where the 0:15:27.000 --> 0:15:27.800 real work begins. 0:15:27.920 --> 0:15:30.240 As you know, I didn't have a traumatic upbringing at all. 0:15:30.440 --> 0:15:33.040 I don't know someone could argue fives might. 0:15:32.920 --> 0:15:34.720 Be pretty exactly. 0:15:36.400 --> 0:15:38.880 You've seen a bit in your some of the family stories. 0:15:38.920 --> 0:15:40.600 Oh my goodness, I feel like we need to get 0:15:40.600 --> 0:15:43.880 you on to just talk through some of the family stories. 0:15:43.880 --> 0:15:46.119 But yes, definitely a lot of love. 0:15:46.200 --> 0:15:49.560 Very love and caring parents, a beautiful family unit, a 0:15:49.560 --> 0:15:52.160 beautiful home. But there were things along the way as 0:15:52.160 --> 0:15:54.840 I got older that I think I needed to address 0:15:54.880 --> 0:15:55.760 once so I got sober. 0:15:56.080 --> 0:15:58.640 I think the nine year marriage ending. 0:15:58.600 --> 0:16:01.920 The grief, the sad, the feeling that I'd failed something. 0:16:02.480 --> 0:16:04.400 I had to go back and relive all of that 0:16:05.120 --> 0:16:07.960 sober without anything to take the edge off. And then 0:16:07.960 --> 0:16:11.640 there was something else. When I was twenty six, I 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:14.760 had a miscarriage. I had a DNC, and I remember 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:17.720 being in the hospital before the general anesthetic and when 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:19.560 I woke up, they said it all went well, get 0:16:19.600 --> 0:16:22.240 on with life, and I did. I got on with life. 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:24.440 But for a long time, I didn't get a period. 0:16:24.720 --> 0:16:27.520 So I went and had some tests and we couldn't 0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:29.880 figure out why and ended up taking a long time. 0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:33.200 But after a year of not having a period and 0:16:33.280 --> 0:16:35.960 getting all these tests done, I was diagnosed with stage 0:16:36.000 --> 0:16:39.240 three Asherman syndrome, which is a severe case of scarring 0:16:39.280 --> 0:16:42.160 in the uterus caused by a DNC. Oh wow, And 0:16:42.200 --> 0:16:45.000 in my case, the scarring was so extensive that I'd 0:16:45.040 --> 0:16:47.800 stopped getting a period altogether. And I remember I was 0:16:47.840 --> 0:16:50.960 twenty six at the time. My gynecologe is sitting across 0:16:50.960 --> 0:16:55.040 from me and saying, Susanna, you may never have children. 0:16:55.200 --> 0:16:57.360 Oh my god, how confronting. 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:00.520 I'd never been maternal up until that point, was so 0:17:00.720 --> 0:17:04.119 career driven, so focused, so to hear that was the 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:06.840 biggest shock of my life. And the guilt that I 0:17:06.920 --> 0:17:09.840 felt around that that I had caused that from my body, 0:17:09.880 --> 0:17:12.320 you know, that the miscarriage had caused that. 0:17:12.880 --> 0:17:14.840 You know, there was so much guilt around that. 0:17:15.560 --> 0:17:18.000 And the moment someone tells you that you may never 0:17:18.040 --> 0:17:22.840 have children, that maternal instinct changes instantly, and that's when 0:17:22.840 --> 0:17:25.600 I really wanted to have children, and so, you know, 0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:27.440 I went down the how do I fix this mode 0:17:27.480 --> 0:17:30.760 as a producer. So from there I had three surgeries 0:17:30.800 --> 0:17:33.760 to remove some scarring before we could try and get pregnant, 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:37.000 which thankfully I did, but unfortunately it was a difficult 0:17:37.000 --> 0:17:39.639 pregnancy and there was still scarring in the years. So 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:43.040 Mattie was born six weeks premature. We had to have 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:47.320 an emergency c section because she stopped growing, which is 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:48.120 very scary. 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:50.800 I remember that period and we're all so worried. 0:17:51.119 --> 0:17:51.520 Yeah. 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:54.879 So she was born one point eight kilograms and was 0:17:54.920 --> 0:17:57.439 in special care nursery for four weeks. And what no 0:17:57.480 --> 0:17:59.640 one tells you is how hard it is to leave 0:17:59.640 --> 0:18:03.040 the hole after giving birth without your baby. 0:18:03.240 --> 0:18:04.040 Oh my god. 0:18:04.320 --> 0:18:08.440 It was one of the most even imaginerandous hardest times. 0:18:08.720 --> 0:18:12.760 And I think I had PTSD after the surgeries, after 0:18:12.760 --> 0:18:16.600 the difficult pregnancy, the birth. You know, I was at 0:18:16.600 --> 0:18:18.880 the hospital four times a day. You know, she had 0:18:18.880 --> 0:18:21.840 tubes in her. It wasn't the fairy tale first baby 0:18:21.880 --> 0:18:24.320 pregnancy that you think you're going to have. I pretended 0:18:24.400 --> 0:18:28.760 like everything was okay. I've remained silent through all of that, 0:18:29.119 --> 0:18:30.359 and that's where the problem was. 0:18:30.720 --> 0:18:30.920 Yeah. 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:33.880 I was going to say, you know, my memory of you, 0:18:34.200 --> 0:18:38.240 and you're such a stoic, strong person, and you come 0:18:38.280 --> 0:18:41.720 from such a line of strong women, all of these 0:18:42.359 --> 0:18:45.760 you know, traumas and difficult experiences you had. I can 0:18:45.840 --> 0:18:48.439 imagine your just pull your socks up and get on 0:18:48.560 --> 0:18:51.280 with life kind of girl. And you were taking that approach. 0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:53.119 By the sounds of things I was. 0:18:53.600 --> 0:18:56.720 I was so from the time I was diagnosed, from 0:18:56.800 --> 0:19:01.400 twenty seven to my life pregnancy, which was three years 0:19:01.440 --> 0:19:04.919 ago thirty nine, I've had up to eight surgeries to 0:19:05.040 --> 0:19:06.920 remove scarring because it grows bad. 0:19:06.960 --> 0:19:07.400 Goodness. 0:19:07.680 --> 0:19:10.800