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Speaker 1: All right, guys, welcome back to Hotter than Yesterday. We

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Speaker 1: have a very exciting episode today. I think for you

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Speaker 1: guys as well. I think all of you guys will

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Speaker 1: really really like this. It's quite a taboo topic, but

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Speaker 1: something I feel like we all need to talk about.

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Speaker 1: Everyone always talks about it in your girly group chats,

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Speaker 1: and we're the girly group chat that just streams it

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Speaker 1: to thousands and thousands of people every week. We have

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Speaker 1: Laura on today. She's a sex therapist and educator. She's

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Speaker 1: passionate about breaking down sexual stigmas and opening conversations that

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Speaker 1: foster deeper learning and ones are in sexuality and desires.

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Speaker 1: Laura's approach to sex therapy is empathetic, trauma informed, and

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Speaker 1: personal centered.

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Speaker 2: So welcome to hot of than yesterday. Laura, Thanks for

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Speaker 2: having me, Thanks for coming on.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited

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Speaker 3: to be here.

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Speaker 2: I'm really excited. I said to you before that I

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Speaker 2: was a little bit nervous because I'm a bit of

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Speaker 2: I'm not a prude.

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Speaker 1: I just said, like my family, growing up, sex was

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Speaker 1: never a conversation that we openly spoke about. So I'm

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Speaker 1: like and I will also grew up with brothers, so like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to go speaking to my brothers about

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Speaker 1: like a psych life. And my mum we weren't that, Like,

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Speaker 1: we didn't have that type of relationship where we openly

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Speaker 1: spoke about those things. So I like am very awkward

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Speaker 1: about the topic. I'm a very awkward turtle.

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Speaker 3: So common, so so common.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, tell us a little bit about yourself.

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Speaker 1: How'd you kind of get into the industry of becoming

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Speaker 1: a sex therapist and what that kind of looks like

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Speaker 1: as your job.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, so, I mean you introduced me. Well, I'm a

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Speaker 4: clinical sex therapist. I run my own practice called Miano

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Speaker 4: Clinical Sexology. It's based in Paran in Melbourne, but also online.

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Speaker 4: I've been in the space for around six years now

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Speaker 4: and got into it through studying a Bachelor of Psychological

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Speaker 4: Science and then I did my masters in it's called

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Speaker 4: Master of Science in Medicine in Sexual and Reproductive Health

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Speaker 4: and I did the psychosexual unit, so essentially it's a

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Speaker 4: Master of Sexology. I got into the field I think

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Speaker 4: just from you know, a young age. I always felt

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Speaker 4: comfortable talking about this topic, especially just amongst my friends,

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Speaker 4: amongst my girl group, you know, when you grow up,

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Speaker 4: you go through adolescents, your body changes, all these things change,

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Speaker 4: and I.

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Speaker 3: Really loved that process.

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Speaker 4: I found it really interesting, and I really loved talking

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Speaker 4: to my friends at school about it, and you know,

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Speaker 4: all of us kind of weighing in on these changes.

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Speaker 3: So I think that was a big part of it

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Speaker 3: for me.

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Speaker 4: I also, yeah, I was a little bit influenced by

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Speaker 4: like hip hop music in school, and I especially look

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Speaker 4: Kim I used to love her. She was very much

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Speaker 4: about like women's sexual empowerment. So yeah, I think I

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Speaker 4: just had a comfort talking about it. I was, I

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Speaker 4: felt passionate about helping women feel more empowered. And yeah,

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Speaker 4: when I kind of started studying psychology, I was always

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Speaker 4: a bit of a science nerd, and I knew I

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Speaker 4: wanted to do something in psychology. And then the deeper

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Speaker 4: I got into it, I thought, you know, sex therapy, sexology.

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Speaker 4: You know, it's psychology, but it's a little bit more

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Speaker 4: fun yea, and a little more.

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Speaker 3: Interesting I found. So yeah, I just kind of got

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Speaker 3: into it from there and I loved it. I was

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Speaker 3: obsessed with it.

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Speaker 4: Like when I was studying, like three am in the morning,

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Speaker 4: I would just be going deep on these topics that

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Speaker 4: were unrelated to my assignments, but I was just super

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Speaker 4: interested in it.

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Speaker 1: So what type of clients do you see without breaking

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Speaker 1: obviously client confidentiality, Like why do people come to you?

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Speaker 1: Why would I go see your sex so ologist for

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Speaker 1: example as a twenty three year old.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, Well I'm a general sex therapist, so I see

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Speaker 4: lots of different client presentations. The most common would be vaginismus,

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Speaker 4: which is for women when they struggle to have penetrative sex. Also,

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Speaker 4: low desire is a common one, mismatched desire and relationships

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Speaker 4: where one person has more desire than the other. Then

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Speaker 4: there's things like premature ejaculation, a rectil dysfunction, an orgasmia.

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Speaker 4: There's another one that affects women, so when they struggle

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Speaker 4: to orgasm.

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Speaker 3: Yep.

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Speaker 4: Then it could just be things like general sexual anxiety

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Speaker 4: or understanding kinks. Some people might have kinks and be

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Speaker 4: a bit confronted by it and not understand it, so

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Speaker 4: they would book him for that kind of thing.

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Speaker 1: Right, do you see mainly women or men as well?

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Speaker 1: Like what would be the ratio do you think?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, So getting into the field, I was very focused

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Speaker 4: on women. Yeah, but over time I've also found it

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Speaker 4: quite interesting treating men. So I would say my work

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Speaker 4: these days is probably sixty percent men forty percent women.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's kind of moved a little bit interesting.

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Speaker 1: I'm so awkward with this topic, guys, and not because

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Speaker 1: of anything. I just am like not a sexual person,

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Speaker 1: and I think there is a blockage and we're kind

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Speaker 1: of got to maybe I'm gonna be very raw and

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Speaker 1: honestly and try to be open myself up today, guys.

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Speaker 1: Do you guys find out some of my weird issues.

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Speaker 1: I get the hebgbs.

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Speaker 2: About sex like thing. I have no sex drive, like

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Speaker 2: at all.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't think of anything worse actually than having sex, Okay,

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Speaker 1: don't have any desire, couldn't think.

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Speaker 2: Like I actually like get freaked out by it.

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Speaker 3: Have you always felt that way?

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Speaker 2: I think so?

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Speaker 1: Or not? When I was a teenager and then I

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Speaker 1: got into a relationship at around nineteen, and I never

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Speaker 1: had any desire to have sex with him, Like I

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Speaker 1: wasn't really like, yeah, I want to have sex with you,

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Speaker 1: Like it was kind of like a this sounds bad,

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Speaker 1: but like just the thing you.

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Speaker 2: Do in your relationship. Yeah, but that would ebb.

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Speaker 1: And flow like sometimes I was super into it, but

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Speaker 1: majority of the time it felt like I should be

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Speaker 1: doing this, not I want to do this.

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Speaker 2: But once I got into it, I was fine.

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Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, and I loved it yeah yeah, but getting

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Speaker 1: me to do.

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Speaker 3: It yeah no, okay interesting.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And now I'm related, Like, I'm very single, You'll

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Speaker 1: never catch me having sex.

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Speaker 4: So before your relationship, you had more interest in it.

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Speaker 2: Like before, like when I was a teenager, Yeah, I was.

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Speaker 1: I was never like, I've never had a one night

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Speaker 1: stand and I've never had like casual sex with someone.

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Speaker 1: I think there's like a saying, like a term for it,

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Speaker 1: like demisexual or something like I feel like I need

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Speaker 1: to have an emotional connection with you or see a

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Speaker 1: future or see something potential in you to then want

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Speaker 1: to have sex with you. Like I can't just have

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Speaker 1: sex for the fun of it. I don't find that fun.

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Speaker 1: So I think I've always kind of been like that,

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Speaker 1: especially as a teenager, Like I always had sexual relationships

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Speaker 1: with people I was seeing or dating.

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Speaker 2: Altho my boyfriend.

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Speaker 1: Like I've always been like that, but I was more

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Speaker 1: open to the idea of it when I was a teenager,

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Speaker 1: and then since being out of a relationship. I broke

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Speaker 1: up with my ex, like maybe when I was like

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Speaker 1: twenty one, I have no desire.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, interesting to do its question, But do you think

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Speaker 4: in your relationship your emotional needs were being met?

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Speaker 2: No?

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Speaker 4: I mean if you consider yourself demisexual, someone that needs

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Speaker 4: emotional connection to have desire, and if those emotional needs

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Speaker 4: won't being met in your relationship, I would wonder if

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Speaker 4: that was why the desire wasn't there. Yeah, maybe important

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Speaker 4: piece of the puzzle wasn't there.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, And if I like reflect on that, when

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Speaker 1: our relationship is really really good, our sex was really good,

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Speaker 1: but when there was distance between us, yeah, I wanted

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Speaker 1: nothing to do with him.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and see that kind of dynamic.

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Speaker 4: So there's a very explainable reason why your desire was

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Speaker 4: not there. Right, But in the times that your desire

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Speaker 4: isn't there and you don't understand it, so you're thinking

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Speaker 4: I should have desire right now, but I don't. That

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Speaker 4: can then start to impact how connected you feel to

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Speaker 4: your sexuality, how confident you feel. So something that wasn't

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Speaker 4: really an issue to begin with then becomes an issue

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Speaker 4: because you start questioning your connection to your sexuality.

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Speaker 3: Does that make sense?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, just I'm like, why aren't I like and I

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Speaker 1: think a big thing and the girls listening will also

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Speaker 1: be able to know this.

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Speaker 2: I was a big.

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Speaker 1: Rumor on the internet sparked that I was like this

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Speaker 1: town bike that I really slept what sorry.

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Speaker 2: I was a town bike, which is like I slept around.

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Speaker 2: I've slept with.

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Speaker 1: The whole AFL teams, like I've like and I've slept

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Speaker 1: with all of these people and like done all these things,

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Speaker 1: which like, if you were if I was like that,

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Speaker 1: there's no problem with that. But I think I think

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Speaker 1: I have a reputation that I am this person and

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Speaker 1: I'm not, which has now made me more Is that

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Speaker 1: could that be a thing that I'm just like I

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Speaker 1: have No, I'm like, well, I don't want.

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Speaker 2: You to think that I'm like easy.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, but easy is not the right word,

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Speaker 1: because I'm like, just because you enjoy sex doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: that you're easy.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't get, like, maybe these are all the

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Speaker 4: moments that you've felt more distanced from being sexually empowered

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Speaker 4: in your relationship, the things weren't being met that would

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Speaker 4: lead you to have desire, so you know it wasn't

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Speaker 4: as easy there, Yeah, and then outside of your relationship,

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Speaker 4: you've been shamed for being a type of person that

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Speaker 4: is also surrounding your sexuality, and so it just seems

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Speaker 4: like there's been multiple instances where you haven't been able

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Speaker 4: to feel sexually empowered or it takes your way from

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Speaker 4: being sexually empowered.

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Speaker 1: Yeah right, Yeah, And maybe the girls that are in

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Speaker 1: a relationship that were kind of like me, where their

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Speaker 1: emotional needs weren't being met and they're then struggling to

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Speaker 1: be intimate with their partner, what would you say could

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Speaker 1: be a way to work through that?

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Speaker 4: Yes, I love this question because in a relationship, so

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Speaker 4: often it's if someone's not wanting sex, and the person

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Speaker 4: that wants sex will be like, you know, you need

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Speaker 4: to have there need to be more sex, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 4: but we obviously we all we often don't see the

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Speaker 4: other dynamic where the person that doesn't have desire also

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Speaker 4: has needs that aren't being met, which is the emotional connection.

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Speaker 4: But because I guess it's less measurable to you know,

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Speaker 4: just not having sex, it's harder to kind of quantify,

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Speaker 4: it's harder to kind of be like, well, I'm not

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Speaker 4: getting my emotional needs met. Whereas the person that wants

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Speaker 4: sex can just be like I'm not having sex.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: So what I would say is open up to your

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Speaker 4: partner about what you need and remind yourself that you

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Speaker 4: don't have You're not someone that just doesn't have desire.

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Speaker 4: You're someone that does have desire, but that the things

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Speaker 4: that you need to bring that desire up aren't being met.

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Speaker 4: And then think about what those things are. When it

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Speaker 4: was higher, what was happening, Like you said, when you

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Speaker 4: and your partner were quite connected, things.

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Speaker 3: Were good, you felt that desire.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a little piece of information around what you

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Speaker 4: need to feel sexual.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, to feel desire.

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Speaker 1: Ah, okay, So speak to your partner and just be

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Speaker 1: like you're not pulling away. Yeah.

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Speaker 4: You could say, hey, like I've been feeling a little

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Speaker 4: bit disconnected lately, Like I know, at the start when

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Speaker 4: we were doing this thing, or we'd have those really

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Speaker 4: nice conversations, or we'd go out and have date nights

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Speaker 4: and spend time with just the two of us, not

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Speaker 4: always around friends and whatnot. I felt really good then,

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Speaker 4: and I feel like lately we haven't been doing that

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Speaker 4: and I'm feeling a bit disconnected. Could we work on that?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And as I've spoken about it from your perspective,

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Speaker 1: what causes intimacy fears? Like, as I've said, like maybe

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Speaker 1: the rumors and stuff like that. For other girls, what

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Speaker 1: could cause them from having this block of not wanting

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Speaker 1: to be intimate.

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Speaker 4: I mean, there could be a few different reasons why

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Speaker 4: it could be that someone just had that modeled to them,

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Speaker 4: Like if their parents or friends or siblings also had

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Speaker 4: a fear of intimacy, they might have just learnt purely

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Speaker 4: through like being around those people that intimacy is scary

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Speaker 4: and to also avoid it, you know, culture as well

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Speaker 4: as another influence.

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Speaker 3: But if you feel like you were previously.

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Speaker 4: Open to it and then something changed, that could come

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Speaker 4: down to like a trauma or you know, challenging experiences

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Speaker 4: where you have learned opening up is not safe, so

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Speaker 4: therefore you shut down and you protect.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and what's the first step for someone who wants

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Speaker 1: to start working through that? So like, Okay, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: don't like having sex. I don't want to have sex,

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Speaker 1: And like now I'm to the point of like if

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Speaker 1: I start talking to a guy and I really like him,

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Speaker 1: I like his personality, he's really great, Like we get along,

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Speaker 1: we have so much fun and then like I'll speak

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Speaker 1: to my housemate about this, because she's very similar to me.

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Speaker 1: I'll be like, yeah, but I don't want to go

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Speaker 1: further because like I don't want.

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Speaker 2: Him to have sex with him.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Like I don't want him in my bed,

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Speaker 1: I don't want him naked.

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Speaker 2: I don't want to see any of that. I don't

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Speaker 2: want to be around any of that.

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Speaker 1: So like at the end of the day, I probably

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Speaker 1: should just friend zone you because I don't want to

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Speaker 1: be intimate with you.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, get away from me. Like that is disgusting.

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Speaker 2: It's not discussing. That's how I feel. I'm like disgusted

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Speaker 2: by it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Like I actually think I'm like asexual at that point.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting.

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Speaker 4: I have a lot of clients that book in with

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Speaker 4: me that think they're asexual and then we kind of

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Speaker 4: uncover that they are sexual. But what I was saying before,

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Speaker 4: but there needs to be sexual haven't been met that

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Speaker 4: kind of shot off from it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, some people are just like they.

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Speaker 4: Just feel asexual and they are. There's no underlying, you know,

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Speaker 4: further thing that needs to be figured out. But I'm

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Speaker 4: curious how many dates in it had been with this

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Speaker 4: guy you're talking about.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so we'll apply it to too. Okay, I went

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Speaker 1: on one date with this guy. Yeah, he was lovely,

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Speaker 1: was he was everything I wanted it on paper. I

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Speaker 1: thought he was great and he wanted to see me again.

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Speaker 1: And we didn't kiss on the first date.

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Speaker 2: We didn't do anything.

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Speaker 1: But I'm like, Okay, well, if I have to see

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Speaker 1: you again, that means you probably want to kiss me.

300
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Speaker 1: I'm not going to see you again, but you offered

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Speaker 1: me everything that I wanted at that date. You did everything,

302
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Speaker 1: he did everything right, But I'm like no. And then

303
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Speaker 1: this other person I've known for a while, we've known

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Speaker 1: each other for years. Every time we're out together, like

305
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Speaker 1: we always so so much fun.

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Speaker 2: He's been opened that he has feelings for me. I'm like,

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Speaker 2: we're just.

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Speaker 1: Friends, but like there's you're just not friends and every

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Speaker 1: time we're out will kiss, but I never want to

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Speaker 1: do anything further.

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Speaker 2: At all.

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Speaker 4: Okay, with the first person, if he told you, if

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Speaker 4: in some way he told you, I want to see

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Speaker 4: you again, but I don't want to kiss, Like I

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Speaker 4: want to take it slow.

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Speaker 3: I want to take it really slow. What would you feel?

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Speaker 2: Perfect? Yeah, thank you so much.

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Speaker 4: Okay, so you'd be keen to see him again and

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Speaker 4: keep building you know, what you've already established.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that tells me then, as like it's a fear

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Speaker 4: of expectation, you know, like there's I guess maybe an

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Speaker 4: expectation that you feel like the second date equals kiss.

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Speaker 4: And everyone's different, everyone has different timelines and things that

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Speaker 4: they need to open up.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: So with that scenario, I would say, if you just

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Speaker 4: connect to what you truly feel like you need, if

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Speaker 4: you need ten dates before you kiss, someone that is

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Speaker 4: the right person will wait those ten dates, yea, because

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Speaker 4: you're offering so many other things in the meantime connection.

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Speaker 4: You know, there's so many other nice things that you're

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Speaker 4: exploring before it needs to get sectioned.

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Speaker 2: I'm very much like I will be on an open book.

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Speaker 1: I'll tell you about my deepest, darker secrets, but don't

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Speaker 1: touch me, like I'm very guarded, like I'm a majority

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Speaker 1: of the time, I'll sit like this, like physically I'm

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Speaker 1: very removed. Yeah, I'm like very please don't touch me. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but when I'm in a relationship, I'm very physically affectionate.

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Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, yeah, is that with that first relationship. Yeah

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Speaker 4: you're talking about Yeah, I mean physical affection sometimes. I

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00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:11,000
Speaker 4: mean it's it's the language of touch. But it's can

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Speaker 4: be different when it's sexual touch versus.

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Speaker 3: Like affectionate touch.

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Speaker 4: Okay, because sexual, like erotic touch has a has a

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Speaker 4: different kind of intention to it.

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Speaker 3: It kind of steps into a different part of the brain.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

349
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Speaker 4: The affectionate touch is a little bit more platonic. Yeah yeah, okay,

350
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Speaker 4: but yeah, well that's interesting. So when you get into

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Speaker 4: a relationship you find that that touch comes comes out, yeah, the.

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Speaker 3: Need for touch.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Interesting.

355
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Speaker 4: Okay, So I mean with the second person. Yeah, so

356
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Speaker 4: the second person is that you've kissed them, but you

357
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Speaker 4: don't want to you don't want to take it further

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Speaker 4: with him.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like, do not take your shirt off, like

360
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,480
Speaker 1: two five steps away from me?

361
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Speaker 3: What is your fear that will happen if it does?

362
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:55,800
Speaker 3: If he takes his top off?

363
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Speaker 4: Or it?

364
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Speaker 2: Get the ink? You get theck I get the ink?

365
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,399
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I'm like, like it just makes me like

366
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Speaker 1: creep up. I'm like, maybe it's because we're such good

367
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Speaker 1: friends that I'm like I don't think it would work,

368
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:14,200
Speaker 1: like or maybe because I would then admit to myself

369
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Speaker 1: that I would have feelings for them, but I just

370
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Speaker 1: couldn't imagine, like it sounds like.

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Speaker 4: Hell yeah yeah, interesting, Like hell, I mean I feel

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Speaker 4: like you would be a make a perfect client, Like

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Speaker 4: I have so many different questions and I would love

374
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Speaker 4: to ask you, but I don't know if it's like

375
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:38,160
Speaker 4: go ask away. Okay, So I mean with your ex partner,

376
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Speaker 4: did you have that same feeling when.

377
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Speaker 2: We first met feeling?

378
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:43,560
Speaker 3: No?

379
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:47,000
Speaker 4: No, what about like slowly into the relationship to that

380
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,280
Speaker 4: ick feeling come up with sex?

381
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Speaker 2: No?

382
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:49,560
Speaker 4: No?

383
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,520
Speaker 3: Okay when do you remember that ick feeling?

384
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:56,040
Speaker 2: Starting last year when I became single.

385
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,520
Speaker 3: That's when you came out of the relationship.

386
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Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, okay, So being in the relationship, you were

387
00:18:02,119 --> 00:18:04,840
Speaker 4: open to sex, but you didn't really desire it much.

388
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:05,400
Speaker 1: Yep.

389
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:08,719
Speaker 3: Were you having sex yeah, but not desiring it?

390
00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:09,520
Speaker 2: Yeah?

391
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:09,879
Speaker 3: Okay.

392
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,800
Speaker 4: That could be a piece of the puzzle because if

393
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,440
Speaker 4: you it sounds like you're doing that because you still

394
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,199
Speaker 4: want it. You want to be a good partner, which is,

395
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,159
Speaker 4: you know, what some people believe they need to do

396
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,159
Speaker 4: in relationships, which I would say is not true, but

397
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:26,119
Speaker 4: common for people to think that way. If you're having

398
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,440
Speaker 4: experiences where you don't feel like you want to do them,

399
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,920
Speaker 4: but you're doing it for another reason. Your body remembers that.

400
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,879
Speaker 4: Your body remembers each time that you do that. So yeah,

401
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,080
Speaker 4: over time, then you start to have like a stronger

402
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:42,840
Speaker 4: visceral response to having sex when you're not wanting it. Okay,

403
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,000
Speaker 4: and I have clients, you know, it's really common for

404
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,320
Speaker 4: people to get to a point of aversion, but with

405
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:52,480
Speaker 4: their partners, Yeah, because it's just happened so many times

406
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,480
Speaker 4: when they haven't wanted it. They've just done it because

407
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,240
Speaker 4: they think it's the right thing to do, and then

408
00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:00,880
Speaker 4: the response to it, basically it's like they're body needs

409
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,600
Speaker 4: to send them a stronger response to get to stop.

410
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,200
Speaker 2: Like I feel repulsed by it. Yeah.

411
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,360
Speaker 4: Yeah, well, I mean if you had so many experiences

412
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Speaker 4: where you didn't really want to do it, essentially it's

413
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:16,679
Speaker 4: like you, I mean, maybe it might have seemed like

414
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,199
Speaker 4: you wanted to do it, so your partner might not

415
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,720
Speaker 4: have understood the signs, but it's almost as if you

416
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:24,600
Speaker 4: weren't consenting to those experiences, like even but like maybe

417
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,000
Speaker 4: you weren't even aware. Yes, you know, it's like your

418
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:30,840
Speaker 4: body wasn't consenting, but your mind was saying just do it. Yes, yeah, definitely,

419
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:36,760
Speaker 4: So that can create a bit of confusion challenge around sex, right.

420
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, because I'm like I even like I've had

421
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:43,239
Speaker 1: little flings and stuff after my relationships and stuff like that,

422
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,760
Speaker 1: and it's always like I'm having to work myself up

423
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,880
Speaker 1: being like you should want to do this, you should

424
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,119
Speaker 1: enjoy this, you should want to be intimate with your partner, like,

425
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,879
Speaker 1: just do it. Like if you keep on doing it,

426
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,760
Speaker 1: you might really like it. But it's like there's no

427
00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:02,040
Speaker 1: like thing that goes off in my mind that's like

428
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:03,560
Speaker 1: this is what you want.

429
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,840
Speaker 3: I mean, do you remember times in your relationship when

430
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:07,800
Speaker 3: you really wanted it?

431
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,119
Speaker 2: No?

432
00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:10,080
Speaker 3: No, Okay, at the.

433
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:14,200
Speaker 1: Same maybe, I think I always said, and I especially

434
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,359
Speaker 1: remember communicating it to him that I'm a bit of

435
00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:20,280
Speaker 1: a slow burn, like if you I always I remember

436
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,919
Speaker 1: seeing this thing once and it was like, if you

437
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,960
Speaker 1: want to have sex with me at eight pm that night,

438
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,800
Speaker 1: you need to be starting at lunchtime to get me

439
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,840
Speaker 1: to really want it perfect, do you know what I mean?

440
00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:34,200
Speaker 2: It's an all day thing, and then you you'd work.

441
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,439
Speaker 1: Me up and then I probably would want it that

442
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:39,320
Speaker 1: by eight pm. But if you then have dinner with me,

443
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,880
Speaker 1: we get into our pajamas, we're clean, we're ready into bed,

444
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,040
Speaker 1: and it's like, okay, lights off, good night, and then

445
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,040
Speaker 1: you suddenly want it.

446
00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:49,920
Speaker 2: Good luck, Absolutely, I agree, good fucking luck. So I

447
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,040
Speaker 2: say I was like, I always wanted it.

448
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,959
Speaker 1: When he clocked it that, he was like, Okay, I

449
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,280
Speaker 1: need to work on it again. And I think it's

450
00:20:57,359 --> 00:21:01,440
Speaker 1: the feeling of wanting to be desired. But yeah, now

451
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,720
Speaker 1: I'm just like yeah, nah.

452
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,520
Speaker 4: Well yeah, and I think about being desired. It's such

453
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,159
Speaker 4: a big point and it's what so many women feel.

454
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,400
Speaker 4: They want to They feel the sexual desire from their partners,

455
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,600
Speaker 4: but they don't feel the emotional and the intellectual desire,

456
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,440
Speaker 4: like their partner isn't like, you know, tell me.

457
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:19,080
Speaker 3: About your day.

458
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,399
Speaker 4: How do you feel like like wanting to understand all

459
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:24,840
Speaker 4: the other parts of them. Yes, they're just wanting that

460
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,359
Speaker 4: closeness because it's like sex.

461
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:26,920
Speaker 5: Yes.

462
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,919
Speaker 3: Oh sorry, They're just wanting that closeness when it's more

463
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:29,600
Speaker 3: about sex.

464
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:30,000
Speaker 1: Yes.

465
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:33,240
Speaker 4: And often the guy in the relationship doesn't realize he's

466
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,960
Speaker 4: doing it, and he might even be curious about those things,

467
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:39,480
Speaker 4: but he's more confident just about connecting on the sexual side.

468
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:45,199
Speaker 4: But yeah, I think being feeling desired emotionally intellectually are

469
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:49,680
Speaker 4: so important and you can't. It's really hard to bring

470
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,960
Speaker 4: up that sexual desire for someone if you don't feel

471
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,199
Speaker 4: like the other ones aren't being that, especially if you

472
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,680
Speaker 4: say that you know, emotional connection is a really strong

473
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:57,040
Speaker 4: one for you.

474
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:57,720
Speaker 2: Yeah.

475
00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, And because I'm like not really dating, I don't

476
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,280
Speaker 1: really see anyone, don't sleep around, how would you say,

477
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:08,320
Speaker 1: as like a single girl who like they relate to

478
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:09,320
Speaker 1: what I'm saying right now?

479
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:10,160
Speaker 2: What would you say?

480
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,119
Speaker 1: Are things that you could work through or that you

481
00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:16,160
Speaker 1: could be conscious of when you are doing these things?

482
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,080
Speaker 1: And because like, I don't want to be like this.

483
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,679
Speaker 1: I don't want to be so closed off and like

484
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:24,520
Speaker 1: afraid of it almost as like literally like my face

485
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,760
Speaker 1: grews up when I'm like thinking about it and everything

486
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:28,000
Speaker 1: like that.

487
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,119
Speaker 2: I don't want to be like that.

488
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,639
Speaker 1: But I'm not just going to go like have a

489
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,600
Speaker 1: bunch of sex with different people and hopefully one day

490
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:33,200
Speaker 1: be cured.

491
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:35,760
Speaker 2: Like how would we work through that?

492
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:36,800
Speaker 3: Yeah?

493
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:40,359
Speaker 4: I would say Number one, take it slow, Like, don't

494
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:44,399
Speaker 4: put any pressure on yourself to like push yourself too much,

495
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:46,439
Speaker 4: because if you do that, then you might end up

496
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,400
Speaker 4: just like rebounding back and going further the other way.

497
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:54,639
Speaker 4: So don't push yourself, go slow, communicate openly, so you know,

498
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:56,679
Speaker 4: you can say to someone, look at it takes me

499
00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:00,000
Speaker 4: a really long time to feel sexual desire, if you

500
00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:02,480
Speaker 4: If that's okay with you, Like, I'm keen to just

501
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,440
Speaker 4: keep exploring this, but just want to give you a

502
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,719
Speaker 4: heads up, like if you want to communicate that that

503
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:08,520
Speaker 4: can be helpful.

504
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:09,399
Speaker 3: Okay.

505
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,879
Speaker 4: Sometimes there can be an anxiety around like do they

506
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:14,720
Speaker 4: think it's going to happen? Do they expect at this time?

507
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:17,560
Speaker 4: So preface it then you can be like, Okay, I

508
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:18,160
Speaker 4: can chill now.

509
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:19,840
Speaker 2: Okay, maybe that's what I need to be doing.

510
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, like I well, do you go like it's

511
00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:24,360
Speaker 1: nothing personal.

512
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,880
Speaker 2: I'm just like a bit of a slow burn.

513
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah exactly. I just need a little bit of

514
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,359
Speaker 3: tiny to build trust with someone. Yeah.

515
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,119
Speaker 4: I actually think a big piece from just from the

516
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:37,800
Speaker 4: limited information that I've got about you so far, a

517
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:39,480
Speaker 4: big piece could be trust.

518
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:40,640
Speaker 3: Yeah.

519
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,520
Speaker 4: I think that with people you date there is that

520
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,280
Speaker 4: aversion because I think maybe sex has not been a

521
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,960
Speaker 4: process that you've been able to trust, especially in your relationship.

522
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:52,159
Speaker 4: So I think it's going to take a little bit

523
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,800
Speaker 4: of time to like build a connection with someone, build

524
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,560
Speaker 4: all of these things that make you really unders feel

525
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 4: like this person is a safe place, yeah, me to

526
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:05,199
Speaker 4: then re enter sex, yeah, which you know is a

527
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,280
Speaker 4: bit of a challenging space.

528
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:07,920
Speaker 2: Yeah.

529
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:08,280
Speaker 3: Yeah.

530
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:11,199
Speaker 1: And I think that's why I'm so like off dating

531
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,280
Speaker 1: because I'm like, I think that that's what I largely

532
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 1: like intertwine with dating and being part of that and

533
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,520
Speaker 1: like being on that scene and everything like that.

534
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,120
Speaker 2: So then I'm like, I stick to my own bubble.

535
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,919
Speaker 1: But then I'm like, that's not going to help me

536
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,840
Speaker 1: in any way either get over this and then find

537
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 1: a partner as well, because that is or ultimately someone's

538
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:36,960
Speaker 1: end goal. But I'm like, I'm never going to be

539
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:38,800
Speaker 1: able to do that at all.

540
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,639
Speaker 4: Do you find that a lot of the influences, like

541
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:45,680
Speaker 4: people around you, friends, things that you read, whatnot, are

542
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,639
Speaker 4: like talking more about hookup culture and you feel the

543
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,960
Speaker 4: pressure from that, or do you feel like there's other

544
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,320
Speaker 4: messages that say, you know, it's okay to take your time.

545
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,040
Speaker 2: And I think it's a bit of both.

546
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,560
Speaker 1: Like I have a really good friend and she is

547
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,960
Speaker 1: very like I love her, and I think she kind

548
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,320
Speaker 1: of really opened my mind to thinking that maybe there's

549
00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:09,679
Speaker 1: definitely a blockage there because she was so open about

550
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:13,119
Speaker 1: it and like like going out on a night out,

551
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,160
Speaker 1: like she would love to chat with boys, and then

552
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,080
Speaker 1: she would be so open about like wanting to have

553
00:25:17,119 --> 00:25:19,479
Speaker 1: sex with them, and then like the desire to have

554
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:20,360
Speaker 1: sex with them.

555
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:21,600
Speaker 2: And like pulling men.

556
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,600
Speaker 1: And we were overseas at the time, and I was like,

557
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,120
Speaker 1: I have no thought about that, Like that's not even

558
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,040
Speaker 1: crossing my mind, and I don't even want to do that.

559
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,280
Speaker 1: But then, like I was like speaking to her about it,

560
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:35,960
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I just don't know how you under

561
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 1: like how you think about that and you think you

562
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:39,680
Speaker 1: think you want to do that, and she was like,

563
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:41,840
Speaker 1: you just need to do it, like you just don't

564
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:42,399
Speaker 1: think about it, you.

565
00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:43,040
Speaker 2: Just need to do it.

566
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,960
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I actually can't, so I think. But

567
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,280
Speaker 1: then like a lot of my other friends feel like

568
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:52,560
Speaker 1: they're very much like me of like I can't like

569
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,159
Speaker 1: work my way up to do it, like I have

570
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:58,159
Speaker 1: no desire to do it, Like I think like the

571
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,359
Speaker 1: dating scene and the hookup culture has kind of almost

572
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:04,199
Speaker 1: damaged us and being like don't have sex with them

573
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,320
Speaker 1: because then they won't want to date you. Like, there's

574
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:10,600
Speaker 1: so many different polarizing thoughts of being like, oh, if

575
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:12,600
Speaker 1: I like her, I'm like and I sleep with her

576
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,040
Speaker 1: on the first date. But if I do like her,

577
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,639
Speaker 1: I'm going to date her, or those things of like

578
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:19,399
Speaker 1: don't sleep with them on the first date or when

579
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,720
Speaker 1: you're getting to know them, because then they won't like you,

580
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:24,200
Speaker 1: when they don't respect you as a woman. Like, there's

581
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:27,680
Speaker 1: all of these thoughts that I think, really think, I'm.

582
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,080
Speaker 2: Like, well, what to believe?

583
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,040
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, yeah, I think a lot of it is

584
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:36,640
Speaker 1: maybe societal society speaking and being like, oh, yeah, don't

585
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:40,040
Speaker 1: do that because then you're not as a high class woman,

586
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:43,080
Speaker 1: or all of those things that people say.

587
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:44,399
Speaker 2: Yeah, could be.

588
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:50,160
Speaker 4: Yeah, there are so many conflicting messages these days. How

589
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,440
Speaker 4: I like to help people like understand if they feel

590
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,359
Speaker 4: ready for sex is to think about I mean, firstly,

591
00:26:56,359 --> 00:26:57,919
Speaker 4: it depends what kind of sex they want. If they

592
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,919
Speaker 4: want something that's just a bit fun, you know that

593
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:06,359
Speaker 4: maybe feels more fleeting, that's okay. Sometimes it might not

594
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:08,679
Speaker 4: be the best kind of sex. But some people just

595
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 4: want to do that because it's you know, they have

596
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:11,520
Speaker 4: freedom when they can.

597
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:12,679
Speaker 3: They want to feel empowered in that.

598
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,840
Speaker 4: But I like to frame sex as you know, there's

599
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:21,520
Speaker 4: sexual intimacy, and intimacy means closeness. So you can have

600
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,920
Speaker 4: sexual closeness with someone where you know your sexual mind

601
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,879
Speaker 4: and their sexual mind really open up and you, you know,

602
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:32,000
Speaker 4: let them into the part of you that you become

603
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:35,360
Speaker 4: when you're sexual. Then there's physical closeness, so that's obviously

604
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:38,400
Speaker 4: like getting into areas that are physically intimate, like your

605
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:42,600
Speaker 4: genitols and things like that. Then there's also like intellectual closeness,

606
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:46,760
Speaker 4: so that's like when you really understand someone's values and

607
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:51,240
Speaker 4: they're reasoning and things like that. Then there's also emotional closeness,

608
00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:53,679
Speaker 4: So when you really feel connected to someone, when you

609
00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:57,640
Speaker 4: feel like you have this emotional connection. And so when

610
00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:01,600
Speaker 4: you have a sexual experience it's like leating and cat

611
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:06,000
Speaker 4: make casual, you might not have met those other forms

612
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:06,840
Speaker 4: of intimacy.

613
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:10,119
Speaker 3: And I was actually thinking about this the other day.

614
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:14,760
Speaker 4: When people have casual sex, they might say things like

615
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:18,760
Speaker 4: baby or these kind of like endearing terms during the

616
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,919
Speaker 4: sexual experience that they wouldn't necessarily say outside.

617
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,639
Speaker 3: Of it, And I think that's such a sign.

618
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:26,680
Speaker 4: That, like, you know, they're going to this really sexual

619
00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:31,120
Speaker 4: place intimately, but that hasn't been met in the other

620
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:35,320
Speaker 4: realms outside of sex, the sexual connection isn't really there yet. Yeah,

621
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 4: so it like comes up in this one environment but

622
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 4: not the others because the intimacy isn't there yet, which

623
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:42,080
Speaker 4: I thought was interesting.

624
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:44,360
Speaker 3: Yeah.

625
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:47,880
Speaker 4: Yeah, but yeah, I would say, think about has that

626
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:52,280
Speaker 4: person have you got that closeness emotionally, yeah, outside of

627
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,320
Speaker 4: sex before taking it to sex?

628
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:55,040
Speaker 3: Yeah?

629
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:57,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, And do you think that that's just like innately

630
00:28:57,560 --> 00:28:59,920
Speaker 1: who I am that you need more death?

631
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:01,400
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, yeah.

632
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:03,880
Speaker 4: I would say a lot of people are like that. Yeah,

633
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:07,840
Speaker 4: most people are like that. Most people need an emotional connection.

634
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:10,520
Speaker 2: Would you say most women are like that, but men aren't.

635
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,120
Speaker 4: I would say both men and women would like that.

636
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,920
Speaker 4: But men are probably a little bit more able to

637
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,280
Speaker 4: have casual experiences. But a lot of people feel empty

638
00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:24,960
Speaker 4: after casual sex anyway, So maybe it's easier for men

639
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:27,200
Speaker 4: to do it's easier for them to kind of get

640
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 4: that tunnel vision and like pursue sex.

641
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 3: But I would say they.

642
00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:35,600
Speaker 4: Would likely feel that emptiness after like women would. Yeah,

643
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:37,520
Speaker 4: if it wasn't like a fulfilling experience.

644
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:45,000
Speaker 1: There's like a very common saying of like, men don't

645
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:48,440
Speaker 1: really get attached after sex, but women do. And I

646
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:50,880
Speaker 1: think that that's maybe why my fear is is because

647
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:52,760
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I don't want to get attached to

648
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:54,920
Speaker 1: you because again, probably I don't trust you.

649
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:58,240
Speaker 2: So that's probably then my issue of not wanting to

650
00:29:58,240 --> 00:29:58,840
Speaker 2: be intimate.

651
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:02,800
Speaker 1: Would you say, well, why would you say that women

652
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:04,600
Speaker 1: then get attached and men don't.

653
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:08,600
Speaker 4: I mean, men can get attached after sex. I think

654
00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,600
Speaker 4: it comes down to like the kinds of the kind

655
00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:13,560
Speaker 4: of connection and attachment that you've had before having the

656
00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:16,840
Speaker 4: sexual experience. You know, if this person was already someone

657
00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:19,520
Speaker 4: that you're interested in. Like let's say, if a guy

658
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:22,600
Speaker 4: likes a girl, he's already interested in her, and then

659
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:25,880
Speaker 4: they have sex, even if it's the first date, won't

660
00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:28,920
Speaker 4: necessarily mean he's not gonna be interested anymore, because there

661
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 4: is already that kind of connection forming beforehand. But if

662
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 4: there was, if there wasn't really that intention there it's

663
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 4: more just for a bit of fun, then he might

664
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:43,360
Speaker 4: lead that experience and feel kind of like satiated, like

665
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,360
Speaker 4: like he got what he wanted, and then he might

666
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,640
Speaker 4: be able to then, you know, forget that person and

667
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,480
Speaker 4: move on. I would say if the girl in the

668
00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:57,240
Speaker 4: scenario deep down does like him or does have a

669
00:30:57,320 --> 00:31:02,080
Speaker 4: greater interest in him, then you know, maybe it's about

670
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:06,000
Speaker 4: like being clear about that before sex, because yeah, I

671
00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:07,760
Speaker 4: mean both people could do it. Both people could have

672
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 4: sex without a connection and then leave after. But if

673
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,080
Speaker 4: she likes him and he doesn't really feel that way

674
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:17,120
Speaker 4: after sex, I think she will get more attached and

675
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:18,360
Speaker 4: he will get less attached.

676
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:20,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, so pretty much what you're just saying is everyone

677
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:22,160
Speaker 1: actually just needs to communicate.

678
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:27,640
Speaker 4: Yes, absolutely, it's always always, which is scary for.

679
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:32,560
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm quite good with that too, Like how would

680
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,960
Speaker 5: you feel about communicating openly to the people that you

681
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:38,720
Speaker 5: see like the let's say, like the last two examples

682
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,080
Speaker 5: you gave and just saying like, hey, I need to

683
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:41,680
Speaker 5: take it slow.

684
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:46,720
Speaker 2: No really For the first guy, like say for the day,

685
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,720
Speaker 2: and he was everything on paper, yep, I ghosted him.

686
00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:57,680
Speaker 1: I was like one day, I don't really need I

687
00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:01,959
Speaker 1: don't owe you anything, I don't really like you. Like

688
00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:05,520
Speaker 1: he then suggested to the second day that he'd make

689
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:07,480
Speaker 1: me homemade past her and take me to the drive

690
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:09,960
Speaker 1: in movies. I was like, super romantic, couldn't think of

691
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:13,840
Speaker 1: anything worse. Drive in movies. I have to watch a movie.

692
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:15,920
Speaker 1: That means I have to be in close proximity to you.

693
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:17,560
Speaker 1: You might have your arm around me, and then that

694
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:19,000
Speaker 1: means you might want to kiss me. And then I'm

695
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:20,240
Speaker 1: just not gonna want to kiss you.

696
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:23,320
Speaker 2: See you later. I just I just won't reply. So

697
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:23,960
Speaker 2: I didn't reply.

698
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:27,400
Speaker 1: The second one, I think when you've said this and

699
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:30,880
Speaker 1: it comes down to this, is like, I don't we

700
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 1: have a great friendship and I love being friends with him,

701
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,720
Speaker 1: and like we don't see each other often, and then

702
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:38,880
Speaker 1: like when it is, it's like fun and everything like that,

703
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:41,440
Speaker 1: but I don't trust him as an individual. So then

704
00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,800
Speaker 1: if I were to be intimate with him, I think

705
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: that would break me because right now I just see

706
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:50,360
Speaker 1: him as a friend. And then like when you obviously

707
00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:53,240
Speaker 1: have sex, you're not just friends. So I'm like, I

708
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,560
Speaker 1: don't trust you as a friend. So then being like

709
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,960
Speaker 1: being vulnerable, I think it's my thing of being vulnerable.

710
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 1: I like to look quite like a strong, put together girl,

711
00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:05,600
Speaker 1: like doesn't like you can't break me, you can't everything

712
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:08,960
Speaker 1: like that, And I'm quite a bit deep down in

713
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,560
Speaker 1: my in myself, I'm a very insecure person.

714
00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:13,400
Speaker 2: So the thought of someone seeing me naked.

715
00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:18,280
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that makes me for sake, Yeah, I'm

716
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 1: like no, because once you've seen me naked, it's all done.

717
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:24,600
Speaker 4: Maybe you know, you've got a really big heart under

718
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:26,640
Speaker 4: all of the shields.

719
00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:27,320
Speaker 2: One hundred percent.

720
00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:30,960
Speaker 1: So I think like when it comes down to him,

721
00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:35,320
Speaker 1: it'd be giving opening my heart to him. Where right now,

722
00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 1: like he can just tell me to go get fucked

723
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:38,960
Speaker 1: and I'll be like, yeah, fuck off too, because like

724
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:39,480
Speaker 1: you're my friend.

725
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:40,960
Speaker 3: The shield is up now. Yeah.

726
00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:42,280
Speaker 2: Yeah.

727
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:47,360
Speaker 1: But once you're naked, there have no shields there, there's none,

728
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,440
Speaker 1: which is terrifying.

729
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:54,320
Speaker 2: Oh, like I can't. I don't think I've had sober

730
00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:56,280
Speaker 2: sex since I was single.

731
00:33:57,640 --> 00:33:59,880
Speaker 1: Okay, that sounds like I'm an alcoholic, but I've never

732
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:02,920
Speaker 1: like the times I have had sex.

733
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:04,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've never been sober.

734
00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:07,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, Okay. What do you think it is about alcohol

735
00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:08,319
Speaker 3: that helps you.

736
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,560
Speaker 2: In those scenarios liquid courage?

737
00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:14,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe in the thing of like not being not

738
00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,360
Speaker 1: having to worry about it and just being like I

739
00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:19,600
Speaker 1: think it is again like kind of kind of talking

740
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:21,400
Speaker 1: myself up and being like, oh, just have fun, Like

741
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 1: it should just be a fun thing.

742
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,759
Speaker 4: I mean, does it have to be just this fun

743
00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:30,279
Speaker 4: thing like I would say, I would firstly probably say

744
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:33,920
Speaker 4: don't have it with alcohol, especially if when you're sober

745
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,879
Speaker 4: you have a very strong reaction, because I think that's

746
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,240
Speaker 4: only going to keep you in a cycle of feeling

747
00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 4: like sex is scary.

748
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:42,000
Speaker 2: Yeah.

749
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:45,880
Speaker 4: Yeah, I would say, like a roadmap from here would

750
00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:49,359
Speaker 4: be more face this fear, you know, this fear of

751
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:53,600
Speaker 4: intimacy and bring to the surface what you need, what

752
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:56,280
Speaker 4: you really need from someone, if you could be really

753
00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:59,280
Speaker 4: upfront and honest and really in touch with your needs,

754
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:03,080
Speaker 4: what you need someone to bring to the table before

755
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:07,120
Speaker 4: you open that side up. And it sounds like they

756
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:09,840
Speaker 4: really you know, there needs to be this really strong connection.

757
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:13,480
Speaker 4: There needs to be patients on their end. If in

758
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:19,240
Speaker 4: the past past relationship, you know your boundaries recrossed, whether

759
00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:21,799
Speaker 4: intentionally or not, that your boundaries were crossed because that's

760
00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:22,520
Speaker 4: your body.

761
00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:23,400
Speaker 3: Didn't really want to have sex.

762
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:27,080
Speaker 4: So yeah, I think there's a really strong need on

763
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:30,000
Speaker 4: your end for someone to have patience and for someone

764
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,480
Speaker 4: to respect your boundaries and to show you that they're

765
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:36,759
Speaker 4: wanting to connect with you, your mind, the rest of you,

766
00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:40,720
Speaker 4: like you know, everything else about you besides to sex,

767
00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:45,239
Speaker 4: and I think eventually you will open that sexual side up,

768
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:47,960
Speaker 4: and I think because there is so much armor that

769
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:50,879
Speaker 4: you have when you do let someone in, I think

770
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,719
Speaker 4: it's going to be really beautiful experience. But I would

771
00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:57,040
Speaker 4: say honor the pace that you need. Yeah, it's normal,

772
00:35:57,200 --> 00:35:59,400
Speaker 4: like I guess. Yeah, so I'm not broken.

773
00:35:59,719 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 3: No, okay, absolutely not broken.

774
00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:04,800
Speaker 2: Okay, because that's how I thought I was broken. No,

775
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:05,919
Speaker 2: I'm just as slow burn.

776
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:07,239
Speaker 3: You're a slow burn.

777
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:08,960
Speaker 4: And that's kind of what I was explaining at the

778
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,760
Speaker 4: start that if you've had many experiences where you haven't

779
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,399
Speaker 4: desired it, but you've had sex, you start to think

780
00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:16,560
Speaker 4: that I'm broken.

781
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:18,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, but it's not that you're broken.

782
00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:22,280
Speaker 4: It's just that the emotional connection, the eleven am flirting

783
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:25,640
Speaker 4: and all that stuff wasn't happening. So you were having

784
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:29,440
Speaker 4: these experiences without the desire and then calling yourself broken.

785
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:30,040
Speaker 2: Yeah.

786
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:31,439
Speaker 3: Yeah that's good.

787
00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:33,960
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think that's like a very good learning experience

788
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:35,480
Speaker 1: understanding myself.

789
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:35,799
Speaker 2: Yeah.

790
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:36,160
Speaker 3: Good.

791
00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:39,720
Speaker 1: And to wrap up this episode, what's one myth about

792
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:42,880
Speaker 1: sex you wish people could delete? Like that like a

793
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:44,800
Speaker 1: myth that you could just be like not true.

794
00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:49,840
Speaker 4: I think in today's day and age, there are a

795
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:54,200
Speaker 4: lot of messages on social media you know, it's all

796
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:58,160
Speaker 4: very hyper sexual, super hyper sexual. And you know, I

797
00:36:58,200 --> 00:36:59,720
Speaker 4: was just thinking about it before on the way here,

798
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:03,000
Speaker 4: like you go on TikTok and there's it might be

799
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:05,320
Speaker 4: a picture of like a girl like like like kneeling

800
00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:07,600
Speaker 4: down and the cameras like above her and her eyes

801
00:37:07,719 --> 00:37:09,000
Speaker 4: or like kind of like looking up in this like

802
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:12,439
Speaker 4: sexy pose and power to her. But I think these

803
00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:15,880
Speaker 4: kind of images have become far more normalized these days,

804
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:20,840
Speaker 4: and they are quite sexual in nature, and I think

805
00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:26,239
Speaker 4: they can send the wrong message about realistic expectations about

806
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:28,440
Speaker 4: being a sexual person. I think even what you're saying

807
00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:30,920
Speaker 4: is like a good example of it, that we put

808
00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:34,840
Speaker 4: these expectations on ourselves to be super sexual and to

809
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:36,640
Speaker 4: want to have sex on the second day and I

810
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:38,759
Speaker 4: want to kiss on the second day, and then when

811
00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:41,520
Speaker 4: we don't feel that way, we can then shut off

812
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:44,600
Speaker 4: or we feel ashamed, or we feel we're broken. And

813
00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:47,319
Speaker 4: I think it's because it's on the backdrop of all

814
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:52,279
Speaker 4: of these really sexual messages that we're receiving constantly on

815
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:56,799
Speaker 4: our phones. So my advice would be you can appreciate

816
00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:59,399
Speaker 4: the stuff online as you know, like a form of art.

817
00:37:59,520 --> 00:38:00,960
Speaker 3: I guess it's aesthetic.

818
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:04,320
Speaker 4: It looks nice, et cetera, but it's not a real

819
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:08,880
Speaker 4: indication of someone's sexuality and of someone's like openness to

820
00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:13,479
Speaker 4: sex has no pressure to go faster or speed things

821
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:16,600
Speaker 4: up than what you need, like your boundaries are key.

822
00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:20,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and that's okay perfectly. And if people wanted

823
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,360
Speaker 1: to get in touch with you or maybe have a

824
00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:27,799
Speaker 1: discussion with you about their sexual desires sexual issues, how

825
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 1: could they find you?

826
00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:30,640
Speaker 2: Plug yourself, babe.

827
00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:34,359
Speaker 4: My website is Mianoclinical Sexology dot com dot au and

828
00:38:34,680 --> 00:38:38,879
Speaker 4: my instagram is Laura Miano Sexology, So you can either

829
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:41,120
Speaker 4: message me on Instagram or follow me there, or you

830
00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:43,399
Speaker 4: can send me an email, and you can even book

831
00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:46,040
Speaker 4: on my website straight away. I have like my calendar

832
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:49,000
Speaker 4: up so it's perfect available as soon as.

833
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,520
Speaker 1: You're and she'll be tagged on our Instagram and everything,

834
00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:53,120
Speaker 1: so you guys can find her easily there.

835
00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,279
Speaker 2: But thank you so much Laura for coming on. Thank

836
00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:57,640
Speaker 2: you You've made me feel better about my issues.

837
00:38:57,800 --> 00:38:59,920
Speaker 3: Are good good, I'm very happy to hear that.

838
00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:02,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, alright, and guys, if you ever need to message me,

839
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:04,520
Speaker 1: my dms are always open and I will see you

840
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:09,759
Speaker 1: guys next Tuesday Bye