1
00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:12,841
Speaker 1: Apogae Production. Hey, Gorgeous Legends. Before we get into this

2
00:00:12,881 --> 00:00:16,160
Speaker 1: podcast today, I just want to preface and say that

3
00:00:16,201 --> 00:00:19,561
Speaker 1: there are trigger warnings for this podcast. I will be

4
00:00:19,601 --> 00:00:26,640
Speaker 1: discussing domestic violence and miscourage and also eating disorders. Just

5
00:00:26,681 --> 00:00:29,801
Speaker 1: so you're aware and prepared for any of those topics

6
00:00:29,801 --> 00:00:32,601
Speaker 1: that will come up. Please check the show notes for

7
00:00:33,281 --> 00:00:36,881
Speaker 1: numbers of support and websites that you can seek help

8
00:00:36,921 --> 00:00:40,041
Speaker 1: and support from. I'm Mickie Fisher, and welcome to the

9
00:00:40,161 --> 00:00:43,921
Speaker 1: Village Crazy Lady. People are talking to me and they

10
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:47,800
Speaker 1: are not physically in this room, so just strap in

11
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,521
Speaker 1: for that. Can't call me crazy because I said it first.

12
00:00:50,681 --> 00:00:53,480
Speaker 1: Whoever's try to come through whatever messages need to come through, like,

13
00:00:53,601 --> 00:00:57,361
Speaker 1: just bring it on. Let's do it, Crazy Crazy Crazy,

14
00:00:57,601 --> 00:01:02,681
Speaker 1: the Village Crazy Lay. Hello, Gorgeous Legends, and welcome to

15
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:07,361
Speaker 1: another episode of the Village Lady. Thank you everyone for

16
00:01:07,481 --> 00:01:12,041
Speaker 1: starters for all of your beautiful responses from last week's podcast.

17
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,881
Speaker 1: Really nice that my experience in what I was going

18
00:01:16,881 --> 00:01:20,641
Speaker 1: through one it was definitely not something that only I

19
00:01:20,721 --> 00:01:23,801
Speaker 1: was going through, wasn't an individual experience, and I know

20
00:01:23,881 --> 00:01:25,640
Speaker 1: a lot of people related to a lot of it,

21
00:01:26,241 --> 00:01:29,000
Speaker 1: and I'm glad that the guidance that was sort of

22
00:01:29,041 --> 00:01:31,401
Speaker 1: given to me was able to sort of help and

23
00:01:31,441 --> 00:01:35,401
Speaker 1: benefit lots of other people as well. And it's nice

24
00:01:35,441 --> 00:01:39,081
Speaker 1: to know that we can not feel alone in these

25
00:01:39,081 --> 00:01:42,280
Speaker 1: feelings and experiences. I feel like I've just gone from

26
00:01:42,761 --> 00:01:49,561
Speaker 1: zero to fuck it. I'm being so honest and sharing

27
00:01:49,881 --> 00:01:55,041
Speaker 1: parts of myself that I probably haven't really shared before,

28
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:58,680
Speaker 1: not in like such a public kind of way. Today,

29
00:01:58,721 --> 00:02:02,041
Speaker 1: I'm going to be talking about a subject that's very

30
00:02:02,081 --> 00:02:05,241
Speaker 1: dear to my heart, and it may or may not

31
00:02:05,761 --> 00:02:11,641
Speaker 1: feel super village, crazy lady relative because it's very human experience.

32
00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:16,921
Speaker 1: It's something that is really rife right now and always

33
00:02:17,001 --> 00:02:19,400
Speaker 1: has been, really but I think we're just actually talking

34
00:02:19,401 --> 00:02:23,481
Speaker 1: about it. It's a cause that I am very involved in.

35
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:28,481
Speaker 1: I am very active leave part of it all, and

36
00:02:28,721 --> 00:02:31,721
Speaker 1: I just don't think i've ever like properly shared why

37
00:02:32,481 --> 00:02:36,481
Speaker 1: and shared my story. And I think I am constantly

38
00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,561
Speaker 1: in awe of the people that do, but have always

39
00:02:39,641 --> 00:02:42,961
Speaker 1: felt to a degree afraid to sort of share it

40
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:47,401
Speaker 1: in a way that feels permanently out there. And that

41
00:02:47,561 --> 00:02:52,441
Speaker 1: subject is obviously domestic violence, not obviously maybe that wasn't obvious,

42
00:02:52,561 --> 00:02:54,561
Speaker 1: it was obvious to me because I knew what I

43
00:02:54,601 --> 00:03:00,201
Speaker 1: was talking about. Domestic violence, and not even toxic relationships,

44
00:03:00,201 --> 00:03:04,721
Speaker 1: because it goes far beyond that, but the violent, whether

45
00:03:04,761 --> 00:03:10,001
Speaker 1: that's physical, whether that's emotionally, mentally, all of the above.

46
00:03:10,161 --> 00:03:14,881
Speaker 1: It is something that I personally have experienced, both as

47
00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:20,721
Speaker 1: a child and also as a partner as well, and

48
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,921
Speaker 1: so it's something that obviously I'm very passionate about. And

49
00:03:24,001 --> 00:03:29,000
Speaker 1: I just think that is important to share our stories

50
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,641
Speaker 1: so that we don't feel so alone in it, and

51
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,681
Speaker 1: so that we can help each other and support one another.

52
00:03:35,361 --> 00:03:38,361
Speaker 1: And I just hope that maybe by sort of sharing

53
00:03:38,361 --> 00:03:45,001
Speaker 1: my experiences, it might help other people feel like they

54
00:03:45,721 --> 00:03:52,681
Speaker 1: can find the resources and support to either leave or

55
00:03:53,161 --> 00:03:58,281
Speaker 1: Sometimes we find ourselves in situations and we've been that

56
00:03:58,681 --> 00:04:03,761
Speaker 1: you question everything, and you struggle to believe yourself and

57
00:04:03,801 --> 00:04:08,041
Speaker 1: trust yourself. A lot of my issues, not issues, a

58
00:04:08,041 --> 00:04:14,361
Speaker 1: lot of my complications and struggles around trusting myself came

59
00:04:14,601 --> 00:04:20,401
Speaker 1: from these very experiences where I was in situations where

60
00:04:20,441 --> 00:04:25,241
Speaker 1: I was told things about myself and told not to

61
00:04:25,561 --> 00:04:29,241
Speaker 1: trust myself, not to believe myself. My experiences that I

62
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:33,401
Speaker 1: was experiencing, I was then told that I wasn't experiencing them,

63
00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:36,681
Speaker 1: and when you are so used to hearing those sorts

64
00:04:36,681 --> 00:04:40,880
Speaker 1: of things, it becomes extremely hard to trust yourself and

65
00:04:40,921 --> 00:04:46,241
Speaker 1: trust your own experiences. And it really influenced that distrust

66
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:50,841
Speaker 1: within myself because I was so used to hearing that

67
00:04:50,961 --> 00:04:54,001
Speaker 1: I was just making things up, and so used to

68
00:04:54,521 --> 00:04:57,921
Speaker 1: hearing that even though something may have happened to me,

69
00:04:58,961 --> 00:05:01,721
Speaker 1: it wasn't real. Yeah, I think it is a really

70
00:05:01,761 --> 00:05:05,041
Speaker 1: important thing to talk about. I think I've grew up

71
00:05:05,081 --> 00:05:07,441
Speaker 1: and a family of all girls, and I'm going to

72
00:05:07,561 --> 00:05:11,761
Speaker 1: talk about things without talking about some things because they're

73
00:05:11,801 --> 00:05:16,320
Speaker 1: still obviously safety things and not everything's mine to share,

74
00:05:16,401 --> 00:05:20,281
Speaker 1: So I'm just going to share within what feels safe

75
00:05:20,841 --> 00:05:23,041
Speaker 1: for me. But yeah, I grew up in a family

76
00:05:23,081 --> 00:05:26,041
Speaker 1: of all girls. I'm the eldest of four girls and

77
00:05:26,041 --> 00:05:31,241
Speaker 1: we're very close in age, and my mum raised us

78
00:05:31,801 --> 00:05:35,601
Speaker 1: single handedly with the help of my really amazing grandparents.

79
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,601
Speaker 1: She had four under four, so my younger sister and

80
00:05:39,681 --> 00:05:42,721
Speaker 1: I exactly four years and two days apart, and there's

81
00:05:42,721 --> 00:05:46,520
Speaker 1: four of us. She was left with four kids just

82
00:05:46,601 --> 00:05:50,921
Speaker 1: after my youngest sister was born. And without going into

83
00:05:50,921 --> 00:05:54,361
Speaker 1: too much of it, basically my dad obviously was not

84
00:05:54,841 --> 00:06:01,241
Speaker 1: a very nice guy and was. And I experienced abuse

85
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:07,121
Speaker 1: in all the different forms as a child, and also

86
00:06:07,641 --> 00:06:11,921
Speaker 1: watched my mum experience it as well. That kind of

87
00:06:12,201 --> 00:06:14,841
Speaker 1: was just that was the beginning of my life in

88
00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:17,041
Speaker 1: my childhood. That was the world that I knew. And

89
00:06:17,081 --> 00:06:19,681
Speaker 1: there is actually like quite a lot of spiritual context

90
00:06:19,841 --> 00:06:23,400
Speaker 1: to this whole experience and story as well, because I

91
00:06:23,401 --> 00:06:26,681
Speaker 1: guess my little soul knew exactly what it was getting into.

92
00:06:26,961 --> 00:06:30,241
Speaker 1: And even when I've done womb healings before, one of

93
00:06:30,241 --> 00:06:33,321
Speaker 1: the things that came up was around my conception, and

94
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,201
Speaker 1: my feeling was anger of why am I doing with

95
00:06:37,361 --> 00:06:40,760
Speaker 1: this knowing exactly kind of what I was getting into.

96
00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:43,681
Speaker 1: There was a lot of court things, There was a

97
00:06:43,721 --> 00:06:46,520
Speaker 1: lot of back and forth, There was a lot of

98
00:06:46,841 --> 00:06:52,401
Speaker 1: I was a child who was very into extracurricular activities.

99
00:06:52,401 --> 00:06:56,361
Speaker 1: I've always been an overachieving eldest daughter and have like

100
00:06:56,641 --> 00:07:01,400
Speaker 1: really had that personality since day dot. I played classical piano,

101
00:07:01,681 --> 00:07:05,041
Speaker 1: what was a classical pianist? Vocalist? I was in music.

102
00:07:05,561 --> 00:07:09,761
Speaker 1: I played netball for state and rep and all sorts

103
00:07:09,801 --> 00:07:14,321
Speaker 1: of things. I was always like involved in any sort

104
00:07:14,321 --> 00:07:19,001
Speaker 1: of captaincy. I was volunteering for things I was creating.

105
00:07:19,561 --> 00:07:24,161
Speaker 1: I was like protesting against teachers and writing letters to

106
00:07:24,481 --> 00:07:28,881
Speaker 1: get uniforms changed. I was a feminist from the second

107
00:07:28,881 --> 00:07:31,841
Speaker 1: that I knew. Before I even knew what that was,

108
00:07:31,961 --> 00:07:35,601
Speaker 1: I was already behaving very much in that matter. And

109
00:07:35,841 --> 00:07:40,201
Speaker 1: so I was also very involved in the church as well,

110
00:07:40,241 --> 00:07:44,041
Speaker 1: and so I kind of grew up. I was scared

111
00:07:44,081 --> 00:07:46,761
Speaker 1: of I was scared of boys. I was scared of

112
00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:49,041
Speaker 1: like the concept of a relationship. I was never a

113
00:07:49,081 --> 00:07:52,361
Speaker 1: relationship kind of girl. Throughout high school. I had a

114
00:07:52,361 --> 00:07:54,721
Speaker 1: few high school boyfriends. I remember breaking up with one

115
00:07:54,761 --> 00:07:57,201
Speaker 1: of them because I said, I'm so sorry, but I've

116
00:07:57,241 --> 00:08:00,841
Speaker 1: got too many extra curricular activities. I was also told,

117
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:03,201
Speaker 1: you know, no sex before marriage. That's bad. You've got

118
00:08:03,241 --> 00:08:07,561
Speaker 1: a hell all of the things. And so I never

119
00:08:07,681 --> 00:08:11,401
Speaker 1: really had any proper relationship, and I wasn't particularly interested.

120
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:15,361
Speaker 1: As I said, I was one terrified, and two just

121
00:08:15,401 --> 00:08:17,681
Speaker 1: didn't have time for them. So I was too busy

122
00:08:18,041 --> 00:08:21,241
Speaker 1: being in musicals like the fucking cool kid that I was.

123
00:08:23,161 --> 00:08:27,481
Speaker 1: Until I finished school when I was seventeen years old,

124
00:08:28,081 --> 00:08:34,561
Speaker 1: and I met a guy who basically took the rains.

125
00:08:36,361 --> 00:08:43,201
Speaker 1: We very quickly went from zero to a hundred. I

126
00:08:43,321 --> 00:08:46,361
Speaker 1: just felt like I didn't know anything. I didn't know

127
00:08:46,361 --> 00:08:48,721
Speaker 1: anything about being in a relationship. I didn't know anything

128
00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:55,601
Speaker 1: about sex at all. I was a virgin. And yeah,

129
00:08:55,641 --> 00:08:58,161
Speaker 1: he just sort of took the rains, did the whole

130
00:08:58,321 --> 00:09:01,281
Speaker 1: love bombing thing. I feel like we've known each other forever,

131
00:09:02,161 --> 00:09:06,241
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah. Within a few weeks of dating,

132
00:09:06,641 --> 00:09:11,561
Speaker 1: he'd already convinced me to, you know, lose my virginity

133
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:16,641
Speaker 1: to him, and that kind of felt not really within

134
00:09:18,001 --> 00:09:21,121
Speaker 1: my complete control, and just everything sort of just was happening.

135
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:24,081
Speaker 1: And because it felt like, you know, I was being

136
00:09:24,121 --> 00:09:26,681
Speaker 1: told all these amazing things, I was like, Wow, this

137
00:09:26,761 --> 00:09:31,561
Speaker 1: is it. This guy he's my everything. So anyway, this

138
00:09:31,721 --> 00:09:38,721
Speaker 1: was my first real relationship, and because I didn't know

139
00:09:38,881 --> 00:09:41,041
Speaker 1: what it was really like to be in a relationship,

140
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:44,001
Speaker 1: and the only sort of relationships that I had to

141
00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:47,681
Speaker 1: sort of model up growing up was my grandparents, who

142
00:09:47,761 --> 00:09:53,401
Speaker 1: were phenomenal and like, truly the most beautiful notebook like

143
00:09:53,881 --> 00:09:57,841
Speaker 1: love story ever, and a few others, but mostly I

144
00:09:57,881 --> 00:10:01,081
Speaker 1: didn't really know. I just I assumed, despite the fact

145
00:10:01,081 --> 00:10:04,521
Speaker 1: that my grandparents had a really beautiful, loving relationship, for

146
00:10:04,561 --> 00:10:08,721
Speaker 1: some reason, according to like movies and other relationships that

147
00:10:08,761 --> 00:10:13,081
Speaker 1: I saw and had it in my head genuinely that

148
00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:18,041
Speaker 1: relationships were supposed to be toxic. You were kind of

149
00:10:18,041 --> 00:10:21,081
Speaker 1: supposed to not really even get along. You were supposed

150
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:24,721
Speaker 1: to like fight, and it was supposed to be ugly.

151
00:10:24,721 --> 00:10:27,401
Speaker 1: It was supposed to be a very up and down experience.

152
00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:32,321
Speaker 1: And so I guess that had me in this relationship

153
00:10:32,681 --> 00:10:36,121
Speaker 1: thinking that this is what it was supposed to be,

154
00:10:36,241 --> 00:10:39,201
Speaker 1: and he's telling me this is what a relationship is

155
00:10:39,401 --> 00:10:44,401
Speaker 1: supposed to be, Like, so I guess it is. And

156
00:10:45,161 --> 00:10:49,641
Speaker 1: when you're in a very emotionally abusive relationship, especially as

157
00:10:49,641 --> 00:10:55,361
Speaker 1: a young girl, I was like, just eighteen, you're learning everything.

158
00:10:55,841 --> 00:10:59,121
Speaker 1: And again, like I constantly was like, well, I don't know,

159
00:10:59,521 --> 00:11:02,601
Speaker 1: I don't know he does, he's telling me all these things.

160
00:11:03,601 --> 00:11:11,121
Speaker 1: I would cry almost every day. I was terrified constantly

161
00:11:11,361 --> 00:11:15,321
Speaker 1: of getting in trouble, of saying the wrong thing, of

162
00:11:15,401 --> 00:11:17,881
Speaker 1: doing the wrong thing. And the wrong thing would be

163
00:11:18,001 --> 00:11:20,201
Speaker 1: like not answering the phone because I was in a

164
00:11:20,281 --> 00:11:24,681
Speaker 1: UNI class, or the wrong thing would be being at

165
00:11:24,801 --> 00:11:30,361
Speaker 1: UNI with other guys, or not driving an hour to

166
00:11:30,441 --> 00:11:34,201
Speaker 1: pick him up because I was doing that all going

167
00:11:34,241 --> 00:11:36,921
Speaker 1: and hanging out with friends or going out. That was

168
00:11:37,001 --> 00:11:40,161
Speaker 1: like a big no, couldn't go out, was told what

169
00:11:40,281 --> 00:11:47,441
Speaker 1: to wear, what not to wear, was constantly we're breaking up. No,

170
00:11:47,521 --> 00:11:52,681
Speaker 1: we're back together. You deserve this, You did this. He

171
00:11:52,721 --> 00:11:55,761
Speaker 1: would cheat and then tell me about it and tell

172
00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:59,521
Speaker 1: me that it was because it was my fault. He

173
00:11:59,521 --> 00:12:02,801
Speaker 1: would show me pictures of you know, girls who were

174
00:12:02,801 --> 00:12:05,801
Speaker 1: sending him photos and girls he was taught to and

175
00:12:06,281 --> 00:12:09,281
Speaker 1: he would go, well, you like I could be I

176
00:12:09,321 --> 00:12:12,841
Speaker 1: could have her, I could have her, Like You're so lucky,

177
00:12:12,881 --> 00:12:15,281
Speaker 1: and if you do anything wrong, I'm going to sleep

178
00:12:15,281 --> 00:12:18,721
Speaker 1: with her and I'm going to leave you. He would

179
00:12:18,761 --> 00:12:20,721
Speaker 1: leave me at a lead, like he would break up

180
00:12:20,801 --> 00:12:24,081
Speaker 1: with me and say like I had to still be

181
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:27,081
Speaker 1: with him, and I had to earn back being with him,

182
00:12:27,081 --> 00:12:30,001
Speaker 1: like I had to earn it back. There were so

183
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:34,161
Speaker 1: many things when he got angry. He would get so

184
00:12:34,801 --> 00:12:42,001
Speaker 1: angry he would punch walls. He would yell and scream.

185
00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:45,761
Speaker 1: There was only one time where I fought back, as

186
00:12:45,801 --> 00:12:49,081
Speaker 1: in like I yelled back. I got angry as well

187
00:12:49,161 --> 00:12:52,801
Speaker 1: and basically was like, well fuck you as well. And

188
00:12:52,881 --> 00:12:56,321
Speaker 1: I learned pretty quickly after that never to do that again.

189
00:12:56,961 --> 00:13:00,281
Speaker 1: Like that was the last time that I ever spoke

190
00:13:00,361 --> 00:13:05,481
Speaker 1: back up. After that, I really quickly learned that it

191
00:13:05,521 --> 00:13:08,521
Speaker 1: had to be apologies. It had to be and I'm

192
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:11,641
Speaker 1: so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're so right, I'm so sorry.

193
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:17,081
Speaker 1: It's so interesting, like when you're in it, you know,

194
00:13:17,521 --> 00:13:20,841
Speaker 1: like this doesn't feel enjoyable, But at the same time,

195
00:13:20,881 --> 00:13:24,161
Speaker 1: there's so many moments where you're like, no, we're so

196
00:13:24,241 --> 00:13:26,121
Speaker 1: in love and we have so much fun together, and

197
00:13:26,161 --> 00:13:29,201
Speaker 1: we've got this memory and he did this, and he

198
00:13:29,281 --> 00:13:34,081
Speaker 1: brought me that that you start going like, well, no,

199
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,161
Speaker 1: like this is what love is and this is just

200
00:13:36,561 --> 00:13:39,921
Speaker 1: part of it, and you know, part of the experience.

201
00:13:40,641 --> 00:13:44,281
Speaker 1: He would isolate me from my friends, my family. I

202
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:48,201
Speaker 1: remember him literally saying, I, you were not allowed to

203
00:13:48,921 --> 00:13:51,921
Speaker 1: love anyone more than you love me, not your mom,

204
00:13:52,201 --> 00:13:57,401
Speaker 1: not your sisters, not your friends. I remember him literally

205
00:13:57,521 --> 00:14:01,241
Speaker 1: saying like, I, if I'm not number one in your life,

206
00:14:02,161 --> 00:14:04,441
Speaker 1: we are not together. I have to be number one.

207
00:14:05,081 --> 00:14:07,321
Speaker 1: There is a choice between me and someone else. If

208
00:14:07,321 --> 00:14:09,801
Speaker 1: it's not me, then that's not love. This isn't love.

209
00:14:09,841 --> 00:14:13,041
Speaker 1: You don't love me. And so I would be constantly

210
00:14:13,081 --> 00:14:16,361
Speaker 1: having to make excuses and tell people, no, I can't

211
00:14:16,401 --> 00:14:19,041
Speaker 1: go here. I can't do this. Or if a friend

212
00:14:19,121 --> 00:14:22,001
Speaker 1: said something against him or he didn't like them, I

213
00:14:22,281 --> 00:14:24,481
Speaker 1: could not be friends with that person anymore. And he

214
00:14:24,521 --> 00:14:28,601
Speaker 1: would sit there and be like, you have you're texting

215
00:14:28,641 --> 00:14:30,841
Speaker 1: them right now, I'm sitting and if you're not going

216
00:14:30,881 --> 00:14:32,281
Speaker 1: to text them and tell them you don't want to

217
00:14:32,321 --> 00:14:35,681
Speaker 1: be friends with them anymore, And like he would watch

218
00:14:35,721 --> 00:14:37,761
Speaker 1: me write out the text message. He would write it,

219
00:14:37,801 --> 00:14:41,681
Speaker 1: and he'd go, if you don't send that, we're done.

220
00:14:41,841 --> 00:14:46,921
Speaker 1: And so I had to be awful to my friends.

221
00:14:47,161 --> 00:14:51,761
Speaker 1: I lost so many of the close people in my life.

222
00:14:52,081 --> 00:14:54,721
Speaker 1: And I think anyone who sort of knew me at

223
00:14:54,721 --> 00:14:58,281
Speaker 1: the time probably was I guess aware of it, but

224
00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:01,321
Speaker 1: you can't really tell someone when they're in it because

225
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:05,921
Speaker 1: you've been isolated until all you're left with is them,

226
00:15:06,041 --> 00:15:08,921
Speaker 1: and they're sitting there telling you that they're the only

227
00:15:08,961 --> 00:15:10,881
Speaker 1: person who cares about you. I'm the only person who

228
00:15:10,881 --> 00:15:12,761
Speaker 1: cares about you. I'm the only person in your life

229
00:15:12,801 --> 00:15:14,961
Speaker 1: like you. If you don't have me, you've got nobody,

230
00:15:15,601 --> 00:15:19,121
Speaker 1: And so you believe everything that they say, and because

231
00:15:19,161 --> 00:15:21,761
Speaker 1: you're like, well, I don't have anybody else, and you're right,

232
00:15:21,841 --> 00:15:25,281
Speaker 1: everyone else. It's everyone else against us, so you and

233
00:15:25,321 --> 00:15:27,881
Speaker 1: I against the world. And I was eighteen. I was

234
00:15:28,001 --> 00:15:32,401
Speaker 1: living with my grandparents near the university, just like really

235
00:15:32,401 --> 00:15:37,521
Speaker 1: wanting to enjoy that experience, and as like someone who

236
00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:40,681
Speaker 1: was studying music, we did a lot of production, so

237
00:15:40,721 --> 00:15:44,921
Speaker 1: we'd be up in studios late at night recording things,

238
00:15:44,961 --> 00:15:50,841
Speaker 1: doing assignments, editing, and I remember like him calling and

239
00:15:50,881 --> 00:15:52,721
Speaker 1: being like, what are you doing And I'd be like, oh,

240
00:15:52,761 --> 00:15:56,241
Speaker 1: I'm just you know, at the Uni. We're just sitting here,

241
00:15:55,961 --> 00:15:58,761
Speaker 1: were editing, and he's like, no, you're not, You're cheating

242
00:15:58,761 --> 00:16:02,161
Speaker 1: on me, blah blah blah. And I remember like being like, no, honestly,

243
00:16:02,201 --> 00:16:04,001
Speaker 1: I'm going to put you or put you on the

244
00:16:04,001 --> 00:16:07,281
Speaker 1: phone to like my my friends. And I remember like

245
00:16:07,561 --> 00:16:09,961
Speaker 1: genuinely getting the phone and giving it to my friends

246
00:16:10,001 --> 00:16:11,641
Speaker 1: and being like, can you tell him? Can you tell

247
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:13,441
Speaker 1: him where we are and what we're doing. And he'd

248
00:16:13,441 --> 00:16:15,721
Speaker 1: be like, no, you've got them lying for you, blah

249
00:16:15,761 --> 00:16:18,681
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah. And it was always just like

250
00:16:18,681 --> 00:16:20,761
Speaker 1: you're cheating on me, You're cheating on me, You're cheating

251
00:16:20,761 --> 00:16:26,161
Speaker 1: on me, when that was not obviously the case at all.

252
00:16:26,241 --> 00:16:29,081
Speaker 1: But then you'd just start getting so I would be like,

253
00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:30,761
Speaker 1: I can't talk to other people. I can't talk to

254
00:16:30,761 --> 00:16:33,921
Speaker 1: other guys. I'm so afraid, and I would start to

255
00:16:33,961 --> 00:16:38,921
Speaker 1: feel so crazy. I also my mental health was not good.

256
00:16:38,961 --> 00:16:41,601
Speaker 1: I remember going to doctors because I kept getting these

257
00:16:41,681 --> 00:16:45,481
Speaker 1: really horrible stomach pains and I'd go to a doctor

258
00:16:45,721 --> 00:16:50,281
Speaker 1: and they're like like telling me, They're like, this is anxiety,

259
00:16:50,361 --> 00:16:52,601
Speaker 1: and I was like no, no, And I remember really

260
00:16:52,601 --> 00:16:55,401
Speaker 1: clearly one doctor going do you have a boyfriend? I'm

261
00:16:55,401 --> 00:16:59,961
Speaker 1: like yeah, and he's like how does how's that relationship?

262
00:17:00,281 --> 00:17:02,721
Speaker 1: And he was basically trying to sort of figure out

263
00:17:02,881 --> 00:17:05,401
Speaker 1: like and I just remember going, oh, no, it's fine,

264
00:17:05,401 --> 00:17:07,080
Speaker 1: and I just left. I didn't get the medication, I

265
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,321
Speaker 1: didn't do anything, and I was just like nah, out

266
00:17:09,321 --> 00:17:13,041
Speaker 1: of there. I was also like really he would pick

267
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:16,321
Speaker 1: at my body. He would tell me that and like

268
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:21,000
Speaker 1: I was like tiny, and he would tell me that

269
00:17:21,281 --> 00:17:23,441
Speaker 1: I was skinny fat and I was going to get

270
00:17:23,521 --> 00:17:24,920
Speaker 1: and I was going to get fat and I was

271
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:28,400
Speaker 1: going to get which is just like insane and disgusting

272
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:30,921
Speaker 1: things to hear, especially when you're an eighteen year old

273
00:17:31,001 --> 00:17:34,761
Speaker 1: girl or just in anybody. And he would constantly pick

274
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:38,321
Speaker 1: at my body. He would show me where I needed

275
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:42,681
Speaker 1: to improve everything that was wrong with me, And so

276
00:17:42,921 --> 00:17:48,161
Speaker 1: I became obsessed with my weight. I would weigh myself

277
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:53,200
Speaker 1: like every single second that I got if I and

278
00:17:53,241 --> 00:17:57,160
Speaker 1: I'm fairly tall person, if I got over I'm not

279
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,960
Speaker 1: even gonna say the amount because I don't want to

280
00:17:59,001 --> 00:18:01,480
Speaker 1: trigger anybody. If I got over a certain amount, I

281
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:04,920
Speaker 1: would just stuff myself, I would vomit, I would do

282
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,921
Speaker 1: all the things I wouldn't allow myself to get over

283
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:13,681
Speaker 1: a certain amount. I became absolutely obsessed with being skinny,

284
00:18:14,321 --> 00:18:18,240
Speaker 1: because otherwise I would just get picked at and like,

285
00:18:18,281 --> 00:18:21,041
Speaker 1: and I was convinced that I was there was something

286
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,720
Speaker 1: so wrong with me, and I was this fucking ugly beast.

287
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:30,761
Speaker 1: So there were so many things like that that just

288
00:18:31,041 --> 00:18:34,321
Speaker 1: would continue, and it was just always the same thing.

289
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,641
Speaker 1: I remember one time him saying to me, like, this

290
00:18:37,761 --> 00:18:39,761
Speaker 1: was like earlier in the relationship, what would you do

291
00:18:39,921 --> 00:18:43,281
Speaker 1: if if I did cheat on you? I'm like, well,

292
00:18:43,961 --> 00:18:47,561
Speaker 1: I'd leave, Like that's a pretty non negotiable for me,

293
00:18:47,761 --> 00:18:53,321
Speaker 1: Like my mum was cheated on, Like that's just always

294
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:56,361
Speaker 1: been a non negotiable. And I remember we were driving

295
00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:01,961
Speaker 1: and he just lost his shit, started driving really dangerously.

296
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:06,041
Speaker 1: How could you blah blah, I would, and then I

297
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,840
Speaker 1: asked the same thing back. I was like, what would

298
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,600
Speaker 1: you do? And he's like, well, fucking leave you blah

299
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,241
Speaker 1: blah blah. And it was just the most instant and

300
00:19:12,321 --> 00:19:14,920
Speaker 1: he cheated me all the time, and it was the

301
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:17,961
Speaker 1: most insane thing. He told me it was my fault,

302
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,120
Speaker 1: my doing. You'd lie about it for a while and

303
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,721
Speaker 1: then be like, yeah, okay for wing to do blah

304
00:19:22,721 --> 00:19:26,200
Speaker 1: blah blah, but you did it and then yeah. And

305
00:19:26,241 --> 00:19:29,961
Speaker 1: there were so many sexual experiences as well that were

306
00:19:30,761 --> 00:19:35,521
Speaker 1: just there was a lot of power play within that

307
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:40,521
Speaker 1: as well that was just awful and not always consensual

308
00:19:40,761 --> 00:19:44,640
Speaker 1: at all. I'd be sobbing saying no, and he would

309
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:52,601
Speaker 1: continue anyway. And this continued on for about two years.

310
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:58,441
Speaker 1: I actually ended up leaving my UNI. I don't have

311
00:19:58,561 --> 00:20:01,281
Speaker 1: like many regrets in my life. I would say I

312
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:05,721
Speaker 1: have like basically none except maybe this, and that's I

313
00:20:05,801 --> 00:20:11,080
Speaker 1: literally left my UNI degree that I was doing really

314
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:15,521
Speaker 1: great at, really enjoyed, there was no issue around it

315
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:19,121
Speaker 1: at all. But he I remember so clearly the fight

316
00:20:19,201 --> 00:20:25,241
Speaker 1: we got into where he said like he was blowing

317
00:20:25,321 --> 00:20:28,601
Speaker 1: up at me because I was at UNI with guys.

318
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,640
Speaker 1: It was a small degree. Only a few people sort

319
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:36,880
Speaker 1: of got into the degree each year, and so we

320
00:20:36,921 --> 00:20:41,161
Speaker 1: were quite a small close cohort, and obviously it's quite

321
00:20:41,201 --> 00:20:45,601
Speaker 1: a practical degree, so we were having to like we

322
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:50,400
Speaker 1: were creating bands and music together and constantly in projects together,

323
00:20:50,481 --> 00:20:54,920
Speaker 1: and he hated that I was around other guys. And

324
00:20:54,961 --> 00:20:57,521
Speaker 1: I remember a specific assignment that we had to do

325
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,960
Speaker 1: and I was put in a group with well, I

326
00:20:59,961 --> 00:21:02,161
Speaker 1: think there were like two other dudes. There was still

327
00:21:02,201 --> 00:21:05,001
Speaker 1: other girls in it, not that matters, and so we

328
00:21:04,921 --> 00:21:10,840
Speaker 1: were like writing a song together. He lost his absolute shit.

329
00:21:11,321 --> 00:21:14,680
Speaker 1: He was like, you're cheating on me. Like one of

330
00:21:14,721 --> 00:21:19,360
Speaker 1: them texted me something just super innocent, like he like,

331
00:21:19,761 --> 00:21:23,041
Speaker 1: how's this time for practice tonight or whatever, and these

332
00:21:23,041 --> 00:21:27,640
Speaker 1: were all just like the sweetest fucking dudes you've ever met.

333
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,001
Speaker 1: And he saw the text message and just lost it.

334
00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:38,001
Speaker 1: And I remember feeling crazy, absolutely crazy, to the point

335
00:21:38,041 --> 00:21:43,880
Speaker 1: where like I would physically hurt myself because having someone

336
00:21:44,001 --> 00:21:46,961
Speaker 1: just yell at you and tell you that you're doing

337
00:21:47,001 --> 00:21:49,840
Speaker 1: all these things that you're not doing and just knowing

338
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,121
Speaker 1: it's not true. It was like that energy just had

339
00:21:53,201 --> 00:21:56,360
Speaker 1: nowhere to go, and I had no one to talk

340
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,961
Speaker 1: to about it, and I just started physically hurting myself

341
00:22:00,001 --> 00:22:02,680
Speaker 1: because I just felt like I needed to feel something.

342
00:22:04,201 --> 00:22:07,680
Speaker 1: And then that led to if you don't quit this

343
00:22:07,801 --> 00:22:11,801
Speaker 1: UNI degree, we're done. And so how much do you

344
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:15,000
Speaker 1: really love me? Because it's between like you, So you

345
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,361
Speaker 1: really do? You are cheating on me with these guys?

346
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,201
Speaker 1: You are you think this UNI degree is more important

347
00:22:20,201 --> 00:22:26,360
Speaker 1: than I am. And so with him watching me and

348
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:30,361
Speaker 1: making me do it, I pulled out my phone and

349
00:22:30,681 --> 00:22:34,640
Speaker 1: I went into the blackboard of the UNI. I researched

350
00:22:34,721 --> 00:22:41,761
Speaker 1: how to literally like cancel the degree right there and

351
00:22:41,801 --> 00:22:45,600
Speaker 1: then in the car park of the football grounds, and

352
00:22:46,281 --> 00:22:49,960
Speaker 1: they did it. I quit my music degree with only

353
00:22:50,681 --> 00:22:54,321
Speaker 1: like a year Togo, and then had to tell everyone

354
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:58,481
Speaker 1: in my life that the reason I was doing it

355
00:22:58,561 --> 00:23:00,600
Speaker 1: was because I wasn't enjoying it. That's not what I

356
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,880
Speaker 1: want to do. What's the point? Like, I can't even

357
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,640
Speaker 1: I genuinely kind of remember what it was that I

358
00:23:06,721 --> 00:23:10,360
Speaker 1: made up. I can't remember what the lie was that

359
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:16,521
Speaker 1: I was telling people. And then all of this continued

360
00:23:16,561 --> 00:23:20,600
Speaker 1: to escalate, and there was, you know, so many things

361
00:23:20,681 --> 00:23:25,081
Speaker 1: in between, and I was just quite the shell of

362
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:31,160
Speaker 1: myself by this stage, and then I fell pregnant. I

363
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:37,681
Speaker 1: was nineteen years old, and he also refused to use

364
00:23:37,681 --> 00:23:40,680
Speaker 1: a condom, and I had to be on the pill,

365
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:44,321
Speaker 1: but I was really unwell from the pill, and so

366
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,120
Speaker 1: I was trying lots of different pills. So then when

367
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:50,440
Speaker 1: I wasn't on the pill, he would just make me

368
00:23:50,921 --> 00:23:55,000
Speaker 1: get morning after pills. And I cannot even tell you

369
00:23:55,041 --> 00:23:58,440
Speaker 1: how many of those fucking things that I have eaten

370
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:04,400
Speaker 1: between the ages of eighteen and twenty. It is probably

371
00:24:04,761 --> 00:24:08,120
Speaker 1: way too fucking many. My body. No wonder I have

372
00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:13,241
Speaker 1: so many hormone issues because I ate fucking twenty morning

373
00:24:13,241 --> 00:24:20,481
Speaker 1: after pills. But one time it obviously didn't work, and

374
00:24:21,761 --> 00:24:26,601
Speaker 1: I felt pregnant, and I knew I was pregnant for

375
00:24:26,721 --> 00:24:30,161
Speaker 1: quite a while before I even did a test, before

376
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:34,400
Speaker 1: I even told anyone, I just knew straight away and

377
00:24:34,441 --> 00:24:42,360
Speaker 1: knew was a girl. I knew that I had to

378
00:24:43,241 --> 00:24:47,840
Speaker 1: escape everything. It was a real wake up call of

379
00:24:47,961 --> 00:24:52,601
Speaker 1: like I felt like I was re experiencing every life.

380
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:55,640
Speaker 1: I felt like I was almost like my mum, and

381
00:24:55,801 --> 00:24:58,240
Speaker 1: I was in a relationship with a guy who was

382
00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:01,481
Speaker 1: really similar. I was the same age as she was

383
00:25:01,521 --> 00:25:06,241
Speaker 1: when she felt pregnant, with me, and so it's really interesting.

384
00:25:06,241 --> 00:25:10,321
Speaker 1: It's sort of like we are breaking cycles. And it

385
00:25:10,441 --> 00:25:14,720
Speaker 1: just became a secret between myself and this little baby.

386
00:25:14,761 --> 00:25:18,360
Speaker 1: Who I would talk to. I was terrified because I

387
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,801
Speaker 1: didn't know what to do, who to go to. I

388
00:25:20,921 --> 00:25:24,561
Speaker 1: felt too scared to speak to any family member, talk

389
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:31,201
Speaker 1: to literally anyone, any friend, anything. And then because obviously

390
00:25:31,281 --> 00:25:36,160
Speaker 1: I was nineteen fucking years old. And then eventually I

391
00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:41,561
Speaker 1: did a test and it was confirmed, and he was

392
00:25:42,001 --> 00:25:44,840
Speaker 1: must have been pretty nice at the time, and so

393
00:25:44,921 --> 00:25:47,561
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, maybe this will be okay. I

394
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,200
Speaker 1: just kept having thoughts of like I need to run away,

395
00:25:50,281 --> 00:25:53,400
Speaker 1: I need to run away with this baby. But I

396
00:25:53,481 --> 00:25:58,321
Speaker 1: told him and he was thrilled over the moon, like

397
00:25:58,681 --> 00:26:02,121
Speaker 1: and everything was always like who I was to him,

398
00:26:02,801 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 1: you know, like, oh, well I can strap me, and

399
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:09,400
Speaker 1: I was supposed to be wherever, Like wasn't me as

400
00:26:09,441 --> 00:26:11,801
Speaker 1: an individual, It was always who I was to him.

401
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,801
Speaker 1: I'll be told what I was going to do, who

402
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,440
Speaker 1: I was going to be, where I was going to,

403
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:17,840
Speaker 1: what we were doing, what I was doing at all times,

404
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:22,160
Speaker 1: like zero control or autonomy over myself at all. So

405
00:26:22,241 --> 00:26:24,600
Speaker 1: when I finally told him I was pregnant, I was

406
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,600
Speaker 1: about ten weeks so I really had kept it quite

407
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:31,480
Speaker 1: the secret for a while. As I said, he was

408
00:26:31,521 --> 00:26:34,641
Speaker 1: over the moon about it, and so I was like, Okay,

409
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,001
Speaker 1: maybe this is really exciting, Maybe this is like the

410
00:26:37,041 --> 00:26:39,921
Speaker 1: start of something new. Maybe this will change him, Maybe

411
00:26:39,921 --> 00:26:42,961
Speaker 1: this will, you know, really keep him, and this will

412
00:26:42,961 --> 00:26:47,121
Speaker 1: be exactly what I want. And then literally the day

413
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:52,680
Speaker 1: after I told him about it, and he said, forced

414
00:26:52,681 --> 00:26:55,281
Speaker 1: me to tell my mum and I'm going to be there.

415
00:26:55,681 --> 00:26:56,880
Speaker 1: I was like, no, I think I want to do

416
00:26:56,921 --> 00:27:01,080
Speaker 1: this by myself. No, we get together with blah blah blah,

417
00:27:01,321 --> 00:27:04,400
Speaker 1: Mum's a bitch whatever, like said all the things. So

418
00:27:04,561 --> 00:27:09,921
Speaker 1: like forced me to tell her, and that was fucking horrible,

419
00:27:10,681 --> 00:27:14,041
Speaker 1: and she, I mean, she took it quite well considering.

420
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:19,681
Speaker 1: And within that same day I then started bleeding, and

421
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:24,961
Speaker 1: the relief I felt I cannot even express. It was

422
00:27:25,001 --> 00:27:28,561
Speaker 1: a very mixed emotions of like, Okay, that's a little

423
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,200
Speaker 1: bit sad, but at the same time, thank the fucking

424
00:27:31,521 --> 00:27:36,801
Speaker 1: Lord above, because I'm nineteen years old and I'm with

425
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:40,961
Speaker 1: someone horrible. So I went to the doctor and they said, yes,

426
00:27:41,201 --> 00:27:43,041
Speaker 1: you were having a miscarriage. You need to go to

427
00:27:43,041 --> 00:27:46,080
Speaker 1: the hospital right now. I was literally went to the

428
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:49,001
Speaker 1: doctor before I was about to start a shift at

429
00:27:49,041 --> 00:27:52,001
Speaker 1: Glorious Genes, where I was working at the time, and

430
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,441
Speaker 1: I said, oh, well, can I just go? I'm literally

431
00:27:54,521 --> 00:27:57,120
Speaker 1: like about to It was in the same center, like

432
00:27:57,201 --> 00:28:00,360
Speaker 1: the doctor was within fifty meters of the coffee shop.

433
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,681
Speaker 1: I was in my uniform everything. I was like, well,

434
00:28:03,721 --> 00:28:06,080
Speaker 1: I can't, like I start working five minutes. Can I

435
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,200
Speaker 1: just go after my shift? And she said, no, you

436
00:28:08,241 --> 00:28:10,561
Speaker 1: need to go to hospital right now. If you don't,

437
00:28:10,681 --> 00:28:12,521
Speaker 1: if you don't get someone to take you, I'm going

438
00:28:12,561 --> 00:28:16,120
Speaker 1: to be calling an ambulance. Yeah. So I said, okay, sure,

439
00:28:16,321 --> 00:28:20,561
Speaker 1: sounds traumatic but whatever, went back to work and was like,

440
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:23,960
Speaker 1: I can't do my shift. The doctor said I have

441
00:28:24,041 --> 00:28:27,921
Speaker 1: to go to hospital. I wasn't telling anyone why, just oh,

442
00:28:28,001 --> 00:28:29,801
Speaker 1: I think it's fine. I think it's just, you know,

443
00:28:30,001 --> 00:28:33,041
Speaker 1: she's just worried about something, worried about a test that

444
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,200
Speaker 1: came up or something. I can't remember the lie that

445
00:28:35,241 --> 00:28:40,401
Speaker 1: I told then either. So drove myself to hospital, told

446
00:28:40,401 --> 00:28:42,121
Speaker 1: my mum. I think she came down and met me.

447
00:28:42,321 --> 00:28:49,361
Speaker 1: Went to the hospital and they said, basically, yes, you're pregnant.

448
00:28:49,481 --> 00:28:53,441
Speaker 1: Obviously G levels are all there, but did the scan

449
00:28:53,761 --> 00:28:56,921
Speaker 1: and couldn't find the baby in the uterus, and they said, well,

450
00:28:57,801 --> 00:29:00,801
Speaker 1: we can't seem to find where the baby is. You

451
00:29:00,801 --> 00:29:02,521
Speaker 1: should be about ten weeks long, so we should be

452
00:29:02,561 --> 00:29:07,561
Speaker 1: able to see. It's one of two things. Either the

453
00:29:07,601 --> 00:29:11,641
Speaker 1: baby's passing already and I'll put trigger warnings on all

454
00:29:11,681 --> 00:29:16,561
Speaker 1: of this, or potentially you're having an ectopic pregnancy, in

455
00:29:16,601 --> 00:29:20,121
Speaker 1: which case we need you. I'll we'll let you go,

456
00:29:20,201 --> 00:29:23,721
Speaker 1: but you need to stay close to a hospital because

457
00:29:23,761 --> 00:29:27,001
Speaker 1: it is life threatening. And I remember this doctor. I

458
00:29:27,081 --> 00:29:32,161
Speaker 1: remember her so clearly, this really beautiful kind Indian woman,

459
00:29:32,881 --> 00:29:35,561
Speaker 1: and she's and she said like, if it is an

460
00:29:35,601 --> 00:29:38,881
Speaker 1: EC topic, if you feel ABC and C symptoms, go

461
00:29:39,001 --> 00:29:42,841
Speaker 1: straight to hospital because you will bleed out and die.

462
00:29:43,201 --> 00:29:46,121
Speaker 1: And I remember her saying those words so clearly, and

463
00:29:46,241 --> 00:29:48,321
Speaker 1: my mom and I were like making jokes about it,

464
00:29:48,401 --> 00:29:50,401
Speaker 1: like you know, that's so dramatic, like I'll bleed out

465
00:29:50,401 --> 00:29:52,681
Speaker 1: and die. Like okay. So I went back up to

466
00:29:52,681 --> 00:29:56,321
Speaker 1: the Sunshine Coast with my mum, stayed with her. I

467
00:29:56,361 --> 00:29:58,681
Speaker 1: had a gig the next day and I was like, well,

468
00:29:58,721 --> 00:30:00,641
Speaker 1: I've got to go to this gig. Like I was

469
00:30:00,841 --> 00:30:04,721
Speaker 1: performing and it was really interesting it was just before

470
00:30:04,801 --> 00:30:07,521
Speaker 1: chris As time and I'll never forget. At this gig,

471
00:30:07,681 --> 00:30:13,641
Speaker 1: I sung the song River by Jodie Mitchell and it's like,

472
00:30:14,841 --> 00:30:18,001
Speaker 1: just felt it felt like a song to this baby,

473
00:30:18,201 --> 00:30:20,001
Speaker 1: and I'm not going to fucking sing it or anything,

474
00:30:20,041 --> 00:30:23,041
Speaker 1: but and I remember as I was singing it, I

475
00:30:23,161 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 1: just felt the only way I can describe it. And

476
00:30:26,001 --> 00:30:29,601
Speaker 1: I've had bleeding in my abdomen. I can never say

477
00:30:29,641 --> 00:30:32,321
Speaker 1: that word twice. And the feelings the same. It feels

478
00:30:32,321 --> 00:30:36,200
Speaker 1: like you can hear the blood sloshing around in your belly.

479
00:30:36,361 --> 00:30:37,960
Speaker 1: I don't know how else to explain it, but it

480
00:30:37,961 --> 00:30:41,041
Speaker 1: feels like that. And I've felt that feeling and I'd

481
00:30:41,081 --> 00:30:44,241
Speaker 1: been feeling pain. But when you have endemitriosis and all

482
00:30:44,241 --> 00:30:46,921
Speaker 1: those sorts of things, like you'd pain level like you

483
00:30:47,201 --> 00:30:51,321
Speaker 1: have such a distorted concept of what pain is. And

484
00:30:51,361 --> 00:30:53,921
Speaker 1: so I kept sort of doing this gig performing it.

485
00:30:54,081 --> 00:30:56,720
Speaker 1: After the gig, I sort of went back to my

486
00:30:56,761 --> 00:31:00,801
Speaker 1: boyfriend's house and I said to him, I actually am

487
00:31:00,801 --> 00:31:03,881
Speaker 1: not feeling great, like I'm in a bit of pain.

488
00:31:04,161 --> 00:31:07,001
Speaker 1: I feel a bit And I was like, am I

489
00:31:07,081 --> 00:31:09,241
Speaker 1: just coll mom, and I'll just get it to pick

490
00:31:09,281 --> 00:31:11,721
Speaker 1: me up? Cool, mum, and she's going, I'm going to

491
00:31:11,761 --> 00:31:13,721
Speaker 1: take you straight to the hospital. I was like, no, no, honestly,

492
00:31:13,761 --> 00:31:17,121
Speaker 1: that's very traumatic. I don't need that anyway. She did

493
00:31:17,481 --> 00:31:20,281
Speaker 1: made go to the hospital, thank god, because I basically

494
00:31:20,321 --> 00:31:23,641
Speaker 1: got in there passed out and it was zero to

495
00:31:23,681 --> 00:31:27,601
Speaker 1: one hundred. Don't really remember too much after that, aside

496
00:31:27,681 --> 00:31:33,321
Speaker 1: from just being rushed to the bigger hospital being told

497
00:31:33,441 --> 00:31:37,161
Speaker 1: you're bleeding out, we need to get you right into surgery.

498
00:31:38,041 --> 00:31:42,121
Speaker 1: And it wasn't like still. I just had no real

499
00:31:42,201 --> 00:31:45,121
Speaker 1: recollection of what was going on. I was drugged. I

500
00:31:45,241 --> 00:31:48,521
Speaker 1: was completely out of it. I felt like I couldn't talk.

501
00:31:48,561 --> 00:31:50,921
Speaker 1: I couldn't talk, I could just hear what everyone else

502
00:31:51,001 --> 00:31:53,561
Speaker 1: was saying. It wasn't until I woke up after the

503
00:31:53,601 --> 00:31:59,001
Speaker 1: surgery that I was told, you are extremely lucky. Like you.

504
00:31:59,601 --> 00:32:03,361
Speaker 1: The baby was on your right filipin tube ruptured it

505
00:32:03,841 --> 00:32:07,841
Speaker 1: because it's a ten week a long baby ruptured the

506
00:32:07,921 --> 00:32:10,480
Speaker 1: floapin tube. You'd been bleeding out for a while. You

507
00:32:10,561 --> 00:32:13,201
Speaker 1: needed a whole blood transfusion, the whole thing. We took

508
00:32:13,201 --> 00:32:17,001
Speaker 1: the floapin tube out, took the baby out, and you're

509
00:32:17,201 --> 00:32:19,241
Speaker 1: lucky to be alive. There's a lot of scarring there's

510
00:32:19,241 --> 00:32:22,281
Speaker 1: a lot of all these sorts of things, and was

511
00:32:22,321 --> 00:32:24,200
Speaker 1: in that moment told you'd probably never be able to

512
00:32:24,241 --> 00:32:28,001
Speaker 1: have babies again. We also found a lot of endmetriosis

513
00:32:28,041 --> 00:32:31,760
Speaker 1: in there. Also found out you have chlamydia as well

514
00:32:31,841 --> 00:32:36,041
Speaker 1: while we were there, so that was a lot to

515
00:32:36,121 --> 00:32:38,521
Speaker 1: hear as a nineteen year old girl sitting in a

516
00:32:38,521 --> 00:32:42,881
Speaker 1: hospital in a maternity ward with babies crying all around me,

517
00:32:43,561 --> 00:32:48,001
Speaker 1: and with the boyfriend who was the reason for it

518
00:32:48,081 --> 00:32:52,481
Speaker 1: all sitting there in the hall, heard about the calamitia thing,

519
00:32:52,641 --> 00:32:55,161
Speaker 1: and then that instantly just turned into it, you've been

520
00:32:55,241 --> 00:32:56,801
Speaker 1: cheating on me. I knew you've been cheating on me.

521
00:32:56,841 --> 00:32:58,960
Speaker 1: There's no way that I could have it. Blah blah blah.

522
00:33:00,441 --> 00:33:02,641
Speaker 1: And that's when it was the big wake up call.

523
00:33:02,921 --> 00:33:06,241
Speaker 1: And even my mum said, you cut you. You almost died,

524
00:33:06,521 --> 00:33:08,961
Speaker 1: You almost died, Like you cannot go back to him.

525
00:33:08,961 --> 00:33:11,681
Speaker 1: I've been watching this blah blah blah, and like other

526
00:33:11,721 --> 00:33:16,801
Speaker 1: people with going, you cannot, you just cannot. It was

527
00:33:16,841 --> 00:33:22,240
Speaker 1: the ultimate, like final realization and for me felt like

528
00:33:22,361 --> 00:33:27,041
Speaker 1: I finally had an excuse, finally has something tangible that

529
00:33:27,241 --> 00:33:33,681
Speaker 1: gave me the strength to actually leave, and leaving's not easy, thankfully.

530
00:33:33,761 --> 00:33:37,561
Speaker 1: I can't even imagine doing it with children with There

531
00:33:37,601 --> 00:33:40,441
Speaker 1: are women who just have been in this for so long.

532
00:33:40,561 --> 00:33:44,281
Speaker 1: They've got financial burdens, they've got a house, they've got

533
00:33:44,441 --> 00:33:47,881
Speaker 1: DeVos there. I had a woman message me the other

534
00:33:47,961 --> 00:33:50,401
Speaker 1: week who her friend. She's like, I don't know what

535
00:33:50,441 --> 00:33:51,841
Speaker 1: to do. I don't know how to help my friend.

536
00:33:51,961 --> 00:33:57,480
Speaker 1: She's got nineteen AVOs against her ex husband and he

537
00:33:57,801 --> 00:34:01,281
Speaker 1: still is chasing her down. He's still she's trying to escape.

538
00:34:01,441 --> 00:34:03,761
Speaker 1: She cannot, like, doesn't matter what to do. She's got

539
00:34:03,761 --> 00:34:07,241
Speaker 1: a son, she's like trying to hide. What can she do?

540
00:34:08,841 --> 00:34:14,641
Speaker 1: It's so fucked like, it's so hard to get out. Thankfully,

541
00:34:14,681 --> 00:34:17,481
Speaker 1: for me, I was able to eventually, and he did

542
00:34:17,481 --> 00:34:20,281
Speaker 1: the whole I'm gonna you know, I'm gonna kill myself.

543
00:34:20,321 --> 00:34:23,161
Speaker 1: It's all your fault. Blah blah blah, like call me

544
00:34:23,201 --> 00:34:25,401
Speaker 1: every name under the sun. I was a big cheater.

545
00:34:25,561 --> 00:34:26,921
Speaker 1: I was a big all of this. It was all

546
00:34:26,961 --> 00:34:32,321
Speaker 1: my fault. But thankfully because of I guess I was younger,

547
00:34:32,841 --> 00:34:38,281
Speaker 1: we didn't have house children, anything like that. I was

548
00:34:38,321 --> 00:34:42,601
Speaker 1: eventually able to get away. But fuck it fucks with

549
00:34:42,641 --> 00:34:45,681
Speaker 1: you and just your trust in yourself, your ability to

550
00:34:46,841 --> 00:34:50,881
Speaker 1: not even trust others, just mostly trust yourself and trust

551
00:34:50,961 --> 00:34:57,201
Speaker 1: anything that you experience. And I'd already had such a

552
00:34:57,281 --> 00:35:00,881
Speaker 1: distrust within myself and it takes a long time to

553
00:35:01,001 --> 00:35:04,361
Speaker 1: sort of rebuild that and learn to trust yourself again.

554
00:35:05,321 --> 00:35:10,641
Speaker 1: And sometimes when you experience very emotional abuse, you sit

555
00:35:10,681 --> 00:35:13,761
Speaker 1: there just going just punch me, please hit me, Please

556
00:35:14,401 --> 00:35:17,401
Speaker 1: have something, Please give me something that I can show

557
00:35:17,441 --> 00:35:20,001
Speaker 1: people that I can go, Okay, all right, this is

558
00:35:20,041 --> 00:35:24,361
Speaker 1: really happening, because before that you're just and I know

559
00:35:24,681 --> 00:35:28,121
Speaker 1: women who have experienced the physical side of it as well,

560
00:35:28,361 --> 00:35:30,961
Speaker 1: still going on it. But I deserved it, or like

561
00:35:31,121 --> 00:35:32,761
Speaker 1: you know, no, it only happened this once, and I

562
00:35:32,841 --> 00:35:35,201
Speaker 1: really I did make him angry and he apologized. And

563
00:35:35,641 --> 00:35:37,961
Speaker 1: we know the cycle of abuse oril. If you don't,

564
00:35:38,801 --> 00:35:41,161
Speaker 1: it's like, when you look it up, it's just the

565
00:35:41,241 --> 00:35:44,521
Speaker 1: love bombing it that everything's fine. It's that then they're angry,

566
00:35:44,601 --> 00:35:48,881
Speaker 1: and then they lose their shit, they lose control, and

567
00:35:48,921 --> 00:35:51,441
Speaker 1: then it's back to that I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

568
00:35:51,481 --> 00:35:53,121
Speaker 1: I would never and then we go back to that

569
00:35:53,521 --> 00:35:59,521
Speaker 1: entire cycle. Just in Australia this year, we've had I

570
00:35:59,561 --> 00:36:03,361
Speaker 1: think when I checked this morning, it was eighty four

571
00:36:03,441 --> 00:36:10,161
Speaker 1: women this year been by the hands of a man.

572
00:36:10,841 --> 00:36:14,041
Speaker 1: Eighty four women. The statistics when I did a podcast

573
00:36:14,081 --> 00:36:15,961
Speaker 1: a few years ago, when I was doing a podcasts

574
00:36:16,001 --> 00:36:19,521
Speaker 1: on DV, the statistic this was I think two or

575
00:36:19,521 --> 00:36:22,641
Speaker 1: three years ago, the statistic was one woman a week,

576
00:36:23,241 --> 00:36:26,561
Speaker 1: which is a lot still right, that's fifty two women

577
00:36:26,681 --> 00:36:30,521
Speaker 1: in a year in Australia and now we are at

578
00:36:30,561 --> 00:36:34,561
Speaker 1: eighty four and the year has not finished yet. And

579
00:36:34,641 --> 00:36:36,681
Speaker 1: I said in a speech one time, because I think

580
00:36:36,721 --> 00:36:41,401
Speaker 1: anyone who's experienced TV understands that it's the control that

581
00:36:41,561 --> 00:36:43,681
Speaker 1: is the biggest thing, and that's when it gets really

582
00:36:43,761 --> 00:36:46,521
Speaker 1: dangerous and really scary, is when they lose control, which

583
00:36:46,561 --> 00:36:49,361
Speaker 1: is why you become very submissive and you become very

584
00:36:49,881 --> 00:36:53,321
Speaker 1: I need to act accordingly for my own safety and

585
00:36:53,481 --> 00:36:55,281
Speaker 1: I need to keep him happy. They need to be

586
00:36:55,321 --> 00:36:58,081
Speaker 1: in control at all times because when they lose control,

587
00:36:58,321 --> 00:37:01,081
Speaker 1: that's when my life sucks. That's when my life sucks

588
00:37:01,081 --> 00:37:05,801
Speaker 1: big time. And I think because people are speaking out

589
00:37:05,841 --> 00:37:10,761
Speaker 1: about it and women are feeling more empowered to leave,

590
00:37:11,921 --> 00:37:16,001
Speaker 1: I think a lot of these men are losing control

591
00:37:16,441 --> 00:37:19,841
Speaker 1: and that's when it can become really dangerous. So that's

592
00:37:19,841 --> 00:37:22,041
Speaker 1: my sory, and I'm going to give a lot of

593
00:37:22,081 --> 00:37:26,521
Speaker 1: resources and the show notes will be full of numbers,

594
00:37:26,681 --> 00:37:29,401
Speaker 1: people to call, places to go, all of that for

595
00:37:29,481 --> 00:37:32,561
Speaker 1: anybody who is in a situation. And if you were

596
00:37:32,601 --> 00:37:35,281
Speaker 1: sitting there listening to this story, going, I think that's

597
00:37:35,361 --> 00:37:38,601
Speaker 1: me or that's what I experienced, that's my life, that feeling,

598
00:37:38,641 --> 00:37:41,881
Speaker 1: that fear, that eggshell feeling that the guys sladding, and

599
00:37:41,921 --> 00:37:44,041
Speaker 1: the feeling crazy, and that all of those sorts of

600
00:37:44,081 --> 00:37:50,081
Speaker 1: things like call the numbers, talk to someone to have

601
00:37:50,241 --> 00:37:54,281
Speaker 1: people valid date, because the thing is, you are so

602
00:37:54,401 --> 00:37:58,081
Speaker 1: convinced that it's just you who's just fucking crazy. You're

603
00:37:58,121 --> 00:37:59,881
Speaker 1: so convinced that it's like, well, this is just what

604
00:37:59,921 --> 00:38:02,161
Speaker 1: a relationship is, this is what it's supposed to be like.

605
00:38:02,321 --> 00:38:04,081
Speaker 1: Or you know he's not bad at the time, or

606
00:38:04,121 --> 00:38:06,921
Speaker 1: we have such beautiful or you know it's too all

607
00:38:06,961 --> 00:38:09,641
Speaker 1: of those sorts of things that we and they make you,

608
00:38:09,721 --> 00:38:13,161
Speaker 1: they make you feel so small. You end up becoming

609
00:38:13,241 --> 00:38:22,161
Speaker 1: the most small, fearful, completely lacking of confidence version of

610
00:38:22,201 --> 00:38:25,641
Speaker 1: yourself and that trust is completely gone, so you're just

611
00:38:25,681 --> 00:38:28,201
Speaker 1: believing everything that comes out of their mouth. And they're

612
00:38:28,241 --> 00:38:31,641
Speaker 1: great liars. And that's the other thing. Right, These people,

613
00:38:32,721 --> 00:38:36,561
Speaker 1: these men, hire's a lot of other people in this

614
00:38:36,721 --> 00:38:45,081
Speaker 1: world are upstanding citizens. They are very charismatic. Someone says, oh,

615
00:38:45,081 --> 00:38:49,121
Speaker 1: he's very charismatic. Red fucking flag right there. Okay, give

616
00:38:49,161 --> 00:38:52,761
Speaker 1: me an awkward doesn't know how to like fully carry

617
00:38:52,761 --> 00:38:57,641
Speaker 1: a conversation guy any day of the week. Give me honest,

618
00:38:58,281 --> 00:39:02,801
Speaker 1: give me like. And this is where you know, the

619
00:39:02,881 --> 00:39:09,001
Speaker 1: belief believe people and not just like. Obviously, statistically women

620
00:39:09,081 --> 00:39:14,121
Speaker 1: are the biggest victims. Men are as well, of course,

621
00:39:14,561 --> 00:39:16,281
Speaker 1: and you know there's going to be pign mad man

622
00:39:16,361 --> 00:39:22,921
Speaker 1: as well. Statistically speaking, it's predominantly women other victims, and

623
00:39:23,001 --> 00:39:25,401
Speaker 1: so we're not trying to like, I'm not trying to

624
00:39:25,441 --> 00:39:30,721
Speaker 1: create a fucking like man verse woman situation. I'm just saying,

625
00:39:30,721 --> 00:39:35,361
Speaker 1: here are the statistics, and it's you know, because systemically

626
00:39:36,201 --> 00:39:40,081
Speaker 1: women usually not you know, there's the gender pay gap.

627
00:39:40,161 --> 00:39:43,641
Speaker 1: We're not being paid as much, not able to financially

628
00:39:43,721 --> 00:39:46,881
Speaker 1: support ourselves alone, especially if you get into relationship from

629
00:39:46,881 --> 00:39:49,041
Speaker 1: a young age and they're in control of the money

630
00:39:49,361 --> 00:39:52,081
Speaker 1: and you get pregnant and so you've been having babies

631
00:39:52,361 --> 00:39:54,921
Speaker 1: and not been making money for a long time because

632
00:39:54,921 --> 00:39:58,881
Speaker 1: you've been looking after the children. And the all of

633
00:39:58,921 --> 00:40:01,201
Speaker 1: that sort of thing. So it's not that easy to leave,

634
00:40:01,241 --> 00:40:03,561
Speaker 1: and especially if they're in control of the finances, and

635
00:40:04,361 --> 00:40:07,161
Speaker 1: like like how do you even do it? And you know,

636
00:40:07,201 --> 00:40:09,561
Speaker 1: you've got the kids to think about as well, And

637
00:40:09,601 --> 00:40:16,161
Speaker 1: then also have to consider that it's even harder for

638
00:40:16,281 --> 00:40:23,681
Speaker 1: Indigenous women, like tenfold what they experience is again this

639
00:40:24,361 --> 00:40:28,281
Speaker 1: culture of it all means that they are in an

640
00:40:28,321 --> 00:40:32,801
Speaker 1: even more difficult position and dealing with police. It's not

641
00:40:32,961 --> 00:40:35,401
Speaker 1: just that easy to just go to the police, because

642
00:40:35,441 --> 00:40:37,521
Speaker 1: you go to the police and there are women who

643
00:40:37,521 --> 00:40:40,681
Speaker 1: were just told like, you know, you're making an up. No, well,

644
00:40:40,841 --> 00:40:43,761
Speaker 1: there's not enough evidence. You know, people think that, they're like,

645
00:40:44,201 --> 00:40:46,921
Speaker 1: there's so many stories, and I've heard them all because

646
00:40:47,361 --> 00:40:50,321
Speaker 1: when you become a safe space for people to share

647
00:40:50,321 --> 00:40:53,841
Speaker 1: those sorts of things with you, you hear all of it.

648
00:40:54,841 --> 00:40:57,081
Speaker 1: And if you're someone who is like, well, I've never

649
00:40:57,121 --> 00:40:58,921
Speaker 1: heard of this before, and you know, it's just the

650
00:40:59,001 --> 00:41:02,321
Speaker 1: crazy feminist under this and that, and there are women hated,

651
00:41:02,641 --> 00:41:05,321
Speaker 1: men hated, and blah blah blah blah. Maybe or not

652
00:41:05,361 --> 00:41:08,801
Speaker 1: a safe space, maybe you don't get to hear stories

653
00:41:08,841 --> 00:41:11,201
Speaker 1: like this because you're not a safe space for people.

654
00:41:12,361 --> 00:41:14,480
Speaker 1: And I'm telling you right now that there are women

655
00:41:14,521 --> 00:41:19,081
Speaker 1: in your life who have absolutely experienced this and maybe

656
00:41:19,161 --> 00:41:24,841
Speaker 1: right now experiencing it. People in your life whoever, and

657
00:41:24,881 --> 00:41:26,761
Speaker 1: maybe you haven't heard about it or no one's ever

658
00:41:26,801 --> 00:41:29,321
Speaker 1: shared anything with you because you're not a safe space.

659
00:41:30,001 --> 00:41:33,201
Speaker 1: I always think about how can I be a safe space?

660
00:41:33,241 --> 00:41:36,001
Speaker 1: But I get to hear the honesty from people. I

661
00:41:36,041 --> 00:41:39,561
Speaker 1: get to hear how they truly feel, what they're really experiencing,

662
00:41:39,601 --> 00:41:45,961
Speaker 1: what's truly going on, because when you make it like,

663
00:41:46,161 --> 00:41:50,041
Speaker 1: really have that intention of like that's why I say

664
00:41:50,081 --> 00:41:54,481
Speaker 1: like dropping the judgment being a safe space, like really

665
00:41:55,801 --> 00:41:58,001
Speaker 1: pulling away from the wrongs and the rights and that

666
00:41:58,161 --> 00:41:59,761
Speaker 1: this and that that and a man supposed to be

667
00:41:59,801 --> 00:42:02,361
Speaker 1: in a woman supposed to be No, there's no supposed to,

668
00:42:02,521 --> 00:42:04,881
Speaker 1: there's no should, there's no this is the way it

669
00:42:05,081 --> 00:42:07,121
Speaker 1: supposed to go, And this is how such and such

670
00:42:07,121 --> 00:42:12,041
Speaker 1: a behave. No, we are people. We're raising good people,

671
00:42:12,441 --> 00:42:15,281
Speaker 1: not good men, not good women. We're raising good people

672
00:42:15,561 --> 00:42:22,081
Speaker 1: who care about other people, who are safe spaces for

673
00:42:22,241 --> 00:42:26,881
Speaker 1: other people. And when you're able to be a safe

674
00:42:26,881 --> 00:42:31,440
Speaker 1: space for others, you're going to hear the stories that

675
00:42:31,601 --> 00:42:35,521
Speaker 1: others aren't going to hear and so you have such

676
00:42:35,721 --> 00:42:38,681
Speaker 1: an understanding of more of an understanding, and I can

677
00:42:38,721 --> 00:42:42,121
Speaker 1: barely scratch the surface of what's going on and what

678
00:42:42,281 --> 00:42:48,481
Speaker 1: people are experiencing and the just fucking horrors of it

679
00:42:48,641 --> 00:42:51,761
Speaker 1: and how it's it's you know, it's not that easy

680
00:42:51,801 --> 00:42:56,001
Speaker 1: to just leave, you know, the people. And again what

681
00:42:56,041 --> 00:43:02,401
Speaker 1: I was saying before about believing victims just because you know,

682
00:43:03,241 --> 00:43:05,521
Speaker 1: maybe they're not the perfect victim. I don't have to

683
00:43:05,521 --> 00:43:09,401
Speaker 1: be the perfect victim. Maybe the person like and if

684
00:43:09,441 --> 00:43:14,961
Speaker 1: the fucking ditty stuff and everything coming out in Hollywood

685
00:43:15,161 --> 00:43:18,841
Speaker 1: and the upstanding citizens and the people that we've put

686
00:43:18,881 --> 00:43:23,401
Speaker 1: into influence and power and given power to that are

687
00:43:23,441 --> 00:43:28,201
Speaker 1: now coming out like literally just yesterday, Alan Jones in

688
00:43:28,281 --> 00:43:35,961
Speaker 1: Australia was arrested for allegations of multiple accounts of sexual

689
00:43:36,001 --> 00:43:42,521
Speaker 1: misconduct and sexual assault against minors, others, all of the

690
00:43:42,561 --> 00:43:47,241
Speaker 1: above spanning over many years. And people who sit there

691
00:43:47,281 --> 00:43:52,601
Speaker 1: and they're like, you know, these allegations can ruin men's lives. No,

692
00:43:52,721 --> 00:43:55,601
Speaker 1: they don't, No, they don't. Literally, just on Netflix the

693
00:43:55,641 --> 00:43:59,321
Speaker 1: other day there was big fucking I don't follow MMA

694
00:43:59,481 --> 00:44:02,041
Speaker 1: or whatever that thing is WWE or I don't know

695
00:44:02,081 --> 00:44:05,721
Speaker 1: Wrestling Big Fight, Mike Tyson Verse some the fucking dude

696
00:44:05,761 --> 00:44:11,841
Speaker 1: who I don't know, both had not only allegations, not

697
00:44:11,921 --> 00:44:16,761
Speaker 1: just allegations, but he, Mike Tythan is a convicted racist

698
00:44:17,201 --> 00:44:22,641
Speaker 1: and has also very publicly like made jokes about bashing

699
00:44:22,681 --> 00:44:25,161
Speaker 1: his wife and all sorts of things, and yet they

700
00:44:25,161 --> 00:44:31,641
Speaker 1: can have a fucking doc Netflix spot. So yes, believe victims.

701
00:44:32,321 --> 00:44:35,480
Speaker 1: And I think it's important that we start to share

702
00:44:35,481 --> 00:44:38,161
Speaker 1: this stuff. And this is fucking terrifying for me to

703
00:44:38,241 --> 00:44:41,801
Speaker 1: do this, and I feel so insanely vulnerable and so

704
00:44:42,081 --> 00:44:45,001
Speaker 1: afraid of backlash or what people have to say or

705
00:44:47,161 --> 00:44:50,561
Speaker 1: people's opinions of how I shared my story and why.

706
00:44:50,601 --> 00:44:52,441
Speaker 1: And I'm afraid of the people that I'm even talking

707
00:44:52,441 --> 00:44:56,081
Speaker 1: about in the thing, the people who hurt me. But

708
00:44:57,281 --> 00:45:00,521
Speaker 1: I'm so inspired by the people who the women and

709
00:45:00,561 --> 00:45:04,281
Speaker 1: the men who have come out and been so brave

710
00:45:05,241 --> 00:45:09,281
Speaker 1: sharing their stories, and I watch them, I'm like, thank you,

711
00:45:09,881 --> 00:45:13,161
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for being

712
00:45:13,361 --> 00:45:16,161
Speaker 1: the voice of so many of us who maybe you're

713
00:45:16,201 --> 00:45:18,721
Speaker 1: afraid to be that voice like I have been for

714
00:45:18,761 --> 00:45:21,841
Speaker 1: so long. And I think recently I've just gotten to

715
00:45:21,921 --> 00:45:25,681
Speaker 1: a stage where I'm like, maybe I need to be

716
00:45:25,761 --> 00:45:29,761
Speaker 1: brave too. Maybe I also need to be brave like

717
00:45:29,801 --> 00:45:32,201
Speaker 1: these people are, And if they can tell their story,

718
00:45:32,241 --> 00:45:36,761
Speaker 1: then maybe I can as well. And maybe if they're

719
00:45:36,801 --> 00:45:39,361
Speaker 1: like the way that their story helps me feel seen

720
00:45:39,441 --> 00:45:43,201
Speaker 1: and inspired and brave to stand up and make noise

721
00:45:43,241 --> 00:45:47,361
Speaker 1: about it and help others, then hopefully maybe my story

722
00:45:47,441 --> 00:45:52,281
Speaker 1: might do the same. Maybe we'll inspire people to seek

723
00:45:52,361 --> 00:45:58,081
Speaker 1: help and get out of relationships that are abusive and

724
00:45:58,321 --> 00:46:04,121
Speaker 1: awful and horrible, where your autonomy is taken away, where

725
00:46:04,121 --> 00:46:07,361
Speaker 1: you don't get to exist as you because you're existing

726
00:46:07,481 --> 00:46:12,121
Speaker 1: for them. You're existing out of fear. You're afraid, you're small,

727
00:46:12,281 --> 00:46:15,521
Speaker 1: you feel like a shell of who you truly are.

728
00:46:16,041 --> 00:46:18,681
Speaker 1: But I have no idea how to even get out

729
00:46:18,681 --> 00:46:24,241
Speaker 1: of it or escape it. And I know it's so hard,

730
00:46:24,841 --> 00:46:27,041
Speaker 1: and the system is set up in a way where

731
00:46:27,081 --> 00:46:32,481
Speaker 1: it's made difficult. But there are ways, and there are

732
00:46:32,601 --> 00:46:34,641
Speaker 1: people who can support you. And as I said, I'm

733
00:46:34,681 --> 00:46:36,601
Speaker 1: going to put all of this in the show notes,

734
00:46:36,641 --> 00:46:39,961
Speaker 1: there's going to be ways that you can access this

735
00:46:40,041 --> 00:46:44,241
Speaker 1: information whilst still really safe. And if I can say anything,

736
00:46:45,881 --> 00:46:50,961
Speaker 1: be safe about it, Be safe about it, have planned.

737
00:46:53,201 --> 00:46:56,521
Speaker 1: Remember that you are dealing with someone who when they

738
00:46:56,561 --> 00:47:00,081
Speaker 1: lose control, is willing to get worse. Okay. It is

739
00:47:00,161 --> 00:47:02,881
Speaker 1: not something that you take lightly and just click your

740
00:47:02,921 --> 00:47:06,921
Speaker 1: fingers and do overnight like. It needs to be well

741
00:47:07,001 --> 00:47:10,681
Speaker 1: thought out. It needs to be done in a way

742
00:47:10,721 --> 00:47:16,881
Speaker 1: where you are basically playing the role placating to be

743
00:47:17,041 --> 00:47:20,321
Speaker 1: able to safely get out, because there's nothing more important

744
00:47:20,321 --> 00:47:25,001
Speaker 1: than your safety. And sometimes you have to just be

745
00:47:25,161 --> 00:47:29,321
Speaker 1: in survival. Okay, you can do thriving later. Okay, you

746
00:47:29,321 --> 00:47:32,281
Speaker 1: can do surviving for now, and then once you have

747
00:47:32,401 --> 00:47:34,961
Speaker 1: gotten out of survival, then you can work on thriving

748
00:47:35,201 --> 00:47:39,641
Speaker 1: and really like building back everything that you felt like

749
00:47:39,681 --> 00:47:42,601
Speaker 1: you lost and returning back to yourself and working on

750
00:47:42,641 --> 00:47:47,761
Speaker 1: your autonomy and building a life that is yours, coming

751
00:47:47,921 --> 00:47:51,321
Speaker 1: from you, because it's your life and you don't want

752
00:47:51,321 --> 00:47:54,481
Speaker 1: to get to the end of it going. I wish

753
00:47:54,681 --> 00:47:59,801
Speaker 1: I wasn't living for everybody else. I wish I got out.

754
00:47:59,841 --> 00:48:03,201
Speaker 1: I wish I stood up in a safe matter of course,

755
00:48:03,241 --> 00:48:05,801
Speaker 1: it's not as simple as just fucking fine your voice,

756
00:48:06,361 --> 00:48:10,201
Speaker 1: finding your voice or whatever doesn't have to be speaking out.

757
00:48:10,361 --> 00:48:14,161
Speaker 1: It's like, okay, finding my voice for me, I think

758
00:48:14,681 --> 00:48:18,001
Speaker 1: like this is the what I needed to hear to

759
00:48:18,121 --> 00:48:22,321
Speaker 1: realize that I'm not making it up. And that's the

760
00:48:22,521 --> 00:48:26,121
Speaker 1: biggest reason why I felt like I wanted to share,

761
00:48:27,401 --> 00:48:30,441
Speaker 1: because I know what it feels like to feel like

762
00:48:30,521 --> 00:48:33,361
Speaker 1: you just make things up and feel like your head

763
00:48:33,441 --> 00:48:38,361
Speaker 1: is just a place full of lies, and your experiences

764
00:48:38,401 --> 00:48:42,761
Speaker 1: are lies, and your life is lies. Everything's just lies,

765
00:48:42,801 --> 00:48:46,241
Speaker 1: and you're making it up because you're crazy. Okay, this

766
00:48:46,361 --> 00:48:48,440
Speaker 1: is the village crazy Lady. But I spent a lot

767
00:48:48,441 --> 00:48:53,641
Speaker 1: of time genuinely thinking that I was actually crazy, and

768
00:48:53,681 --> 00:48:56,321
Speaker 1: it wasn't even the voices in my head that were

769
00:48:56,321 --> 00:48:59,321
Speaker 1: making me think that. It was the voices outside of

770
00:48:59,361 --> 00:49:03,681
Speaker 1: my head that were making me think that. And I

771
00:49:03,721 --> 00:49:08,440
Speaker 1: hope that if you were in that space, that this

772
00:49:08,561 --> 00:49:13,281
Speaker 1: might help you start moving towards a place where you

773
00:49:13,361 --> 00:49:21,121
Speaker 1: can get out and believe yourself and trust yourself. And

774
00:49:21,281 --> 00:49:26,721
Speaker 1: there's a happy ending to the story because then eventually,

775
00:49:26,801 --> 00:49:34,201
Speaker 1: after many also meeting more shit than not as horrible,

776
00:49:34,321 --> 00:49:40,361
Speaker 1: I eventually fell in love met my partner now not husband.

777
00:49:40,521 --> 00:49:45,241
Speaker 1: I'm not interested in getting married. Chris, who taught me

778
00:49:45,321 --> 00:49:47,561
Speaker 1: what it feels like, showed me what it feels like

779
00:49:47,601 --> 00:49:52,801
Speaker 1: to feel safe with someone so unbelievably safe, to just

780
00:49:53,121 --> 00:49:58,601
Speaker 1: be yourself, no eggshells, no walking on anything, no being

781
00:49:58,601 --> 00:50:02,601
Speaker 1: afraid all the time. I remember when I met him,

782
00:50:02,681 --> 00:50:07,441
Speaker 1: and I was terrified because I realized I was falling

783
00:50:07,441 --> 00:50:09,721
Speaker 1: in love with him. I remember having a full blown,

784
00:50:09,721 --> 00:50:13,801
Speaker 1: fucking panic attack about it. And he was so surprising

785
00:50:13,841 --> 00:50:15,721
Speaker 1: because I was like, this isn't what I thought. It

786
00:50:15,761 --> 00:50:17,721
Speaker 1: was supposed to be a lot harder than this. I

787
00:50:17,761 --> 00:50:20,721
Speaker 1: thought it was supposed to be very toxic, but it wasn't.

788
00:50:21,281 --> 00:50:23,961
Speaker 1: He was so kind. He made me fall in love

789
00:50:24,001 --> 00:50:27,361
Speaker 1: with myself more. He made me, not made me just

790
00:50:27,401 --> 00:50:29,801
Speaker 1: being around him, made me fall in love with myself more.

791
00:50:29,801 --> 00:50:32,001
Speaker 1: He put out parts of myself that I really loved

792
00:50:32,681 --> 00:50:36,521
Speaker 1: because I kept feeling safe, and so I just felt

793
00:50:36,761 --> 00:50:38,601
Speaker 1: the safer I felt, the more I felt like I

794
00:50:38,641 --> 00:50:43,641
Speaker 1: could be me more. And I just got crazier in

795
00:50:43,681 --> 00:50:48,401
Speaker 1: the way that fucking feels freeing and exciting and like me,

796
00:50:48,721 --> 00:50:51,961
Speaker 1: like I'm just being free to be me. And he

797
00:50:52,161 --> 00:50:55,681
Speaker 1: still is like that every single day, like literally just

798
00:50:56,201 --> 00:51:01,321
Speaker 1: my best friend, just the sweetest, kindest human being. And

799
00:51:01,441 --> 00:51:06,521
Speaker 1: so we all deserve that, We all deserve someone who

800
00:51:06,561 --> 00:51:10,761
Speaker 1: makes us feel so safe that we can eat ourselves

801
00:51:10,881 --> 00:51:15,121
Speaker 1: so completely, and for us to be that far others,

802
00:51:16,081 --> 00:51:19,641
Speaker 1: to just be a safe space, to allow the people

803
00:51:19,721 --> 00:51:23,281
Speaker 1: in our life or anyone to feel like they can

804
00:51:23,361 --> 00:51:28,041
Speaker 1: just be completely themselves, they can be completely honest and

805
00:51:28,161 --> 00:51:32,561
Speaker 1: free and real, because I know for me that has

806
00:51:32,641 --> 00:51:35,361
Speaker 1: what has brought me to this moment where I feel

807
00:51:35,401 --> 00:51:37,521
Speaker 1: so safe and free to help others and be doing

808
00:51:37,561 --> 00:51:39,681
Speaker 1: what I'm doing and be psychic, medium, have a podcast

809
00:51:39,681 --> 00:51:41,761
Speaker 1: and do all of these sorts of things because I

810
00:51:41,961 --> 00:51:45,921
Speaker 1: just feel safe to be freely myself and so to

811
00:51:45,921 --> 00:51:48,000
Speaker 1: be able to hold space for other people to feel

812
00:51:48,081 --> 00:51:51,801
Speaker 1: that helps the world. That does a ripple effect. Oh,

813
00:51:52,201 --> 00:51:55,401
Speaker 1: as I said, I know this is a fucking big, heavy,

814
00:51:55,881 --> 00:51:59,561
Speaker 1: wild episode and I'm probably going to want to hide

815
00:51:59,561 --> 00:52:03,121
Speaker 1: in a hole when it airs, and probably just even

816
00:52:03,201 --> 00:52:08,281
Speaker 1: after this as well, But it just feels like I

817
00:52:08,321 --> 00:52:10,521
Speaker 1: hope it feels free for me to be honest, because

818
00:52:11,161 --> 00:52:13,801
Speaker 1: it's something that I guess, as I said, like I've

819
00:52:13,841 --> 00:52:17,361
Speaker 1: been helping people and women for so long. I've been

820
00:52:17,561 --> 00:52:21,881
Speaker 1: up speaking, you know, in the streets, yelling and screaming

821
00:52:21,921 --> 00:52:27,761
Speaker 1: about it. This is why. That's why, And so thank

822
00:52:27,801 --> 00:52:31,961
Speaker 1: you for listening and for holding a space for me.

823
00:52:32,881 --> 00:52:37,001
Speaker 1: And if I do go into a cave for a while. No,

824
00:52:37,121 --> 00:52:39,801
Speaker 1: I'll probably come back out again. But as I said,

825
00:52:40,041 --> 00:52:45,401
Speaker 1: there's going to be numbers, websites, everything in the show

826
00:52:45,441 --> 00:52:49,641
Speaker 1: notes for you to contact or if you need them,

827
00:52:49,961 --> 00:52:54,641
Speaker 1: and if you do, please use them, please use them.

828
00:52:54,681 --> 00:52:58,841
Speaker 1: So thank you so much guys. Bye,