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Speaker 1: Apogee production an easier advice. Are you okay? What happened?

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Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment, Girl.

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Speaker 1: This is the place for you.

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Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of best the advice We're

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Speaker 2: going to be sharing with you and bring in your

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Speaker 2: anonymous obmissions. We don't even know who brings thesey in, okay,

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Speaker 2: there's no way for us to understand or see who

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Speaker 2: puts these in. So if you have any questions, anything

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Speaker 2: that you're going through and something that you want to

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Speaker 2: bring in that you have a bit of a sticky

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Speaker 2: situation with, you're more than welcome to put it in.

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Speaker 2: You send us a DM, or you can do it

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Speaker 2: in our Facebook forum as well. More context are better, Yes,

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Speaker 2: just like this one I've got coming for you now.

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Speaker 2: I've got five bridesmaids. One of them I've known for

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Speaker 2: ten years. She's older than me and was once my boss,

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Speaker 2: but our bond grew beyond that. We talk on the

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Speaker 2: phone for hours after work, and I was there for

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Speaker 2: her through some of her really big life changes, agement,

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Speaker 2: becoming a step parent to a teenage boy, and most heartbreakingly,

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Speaker 2: the loss of her father. Just seven months ago, when

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Speaker 2: I got engaged, I asked her to be in my

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Speaker 2: bridal party. She was thrilled also, I thought, but looking back,

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Speaker 2: there were signs that she was hesitant. She delayed telling

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Speaker 2: a mutual friend, someone who had always been kind of

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Speaker 2: jealous about closeness. I didn't think much of it at

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Speaker 2: the time. She missed my bridle gown fitting, and that

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Speaker 2: was totally fine. It was midweek and I'm a pretty

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Speaker 2: chill bride. But then it came to the bridesmaid's dress

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Speaker 2: fitting day and it was booked well in advance. I

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Speaker 2: hadn't heard from her, so I reached out to check

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Speaker 2: in and that when she dropped the bombshell she was

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Speaker 2: pulling out of the wedding all together. She said that

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Speaker 2: she was overwhelmed, had too much going on emotionally, and

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Speaker 2: just couldn't do it.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 2: I was devastated, hurt, confused, and blindsided. Would she have

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Speaker 2: told me if I hadn't reminded her she wasn't doing

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Speaker 2: anything that day? She could have still come to support

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Speaker 2: me as a friend, even if she wasn't ready to

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Speaker 2: commit to the role. That night, we spoke again and

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Speaker 2: her tone completely changed. She wasn't warm or the familiar

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Speaker 2: friend that I knew. It felt like she was talking

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Speaker 2: down to me, like I was back at work and

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Speaker 2: she was my boss. She told me to give her

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Speaker 2: four weeks to decide for sure, as if being in

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Speaker 2: my wedding was a job interview. Oh my god, I

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Speaker 2: didn't feel like love. It felt transactional. Since that call,

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Speaker 2: I haven't heard from her, not one check in. But

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Speaker 2: here's the kicker. We were already meant to be going

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Speaker 2: away this weekend with that mutual friend. The plan was

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Speaker 2: made weeks ago, but now I'm questioning whether I even

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Speaker 2: want to go. I feel exposed, like I've been demoted

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Speaker 2: from friend to an afterthought, and I keep asking myself,

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Speaker 2: is this really about her grief or am I being

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Speaker 2: quietly phased out of her life reflection. I'm trying to

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Speaker 2: give her grace. I know grief changes people, and I

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Speaker 2: haven't lost a parent, so maybe I can't fully understand.

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Speaker 2: But at the same time, I'm allowed to feel hurt.

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Speaker 2: I've shown up for her for years, and right now

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Speaker 2: this is a once in a lifetime moment, and I

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Speaker 2: needed her to show up for me. It's hard not

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Speaker 2: to feel the situation is revealing something deeper about our friendship.

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Speaker 2: Maybe the balance has been off for a while, that

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Speaker 2: maybe I've made more space for her life than what

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Speaker 2: she's been willing to make for mine. And so that's

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Speaker 2: where I'm at, a bit heartbroken and still trying to decide.

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Speaker 2: Do I go away this weekend and pretend everything's fine,

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Speaker 2: or do I take a step back and protect my energy.

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Speaker 2: Have you ever had a close friend step away from

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Speaker 2: a big moment in your life? How did you handle it?

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Speaker 2: I think more of us go through this than we

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Speaker 2: talk about or can openly express, in case we are

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Speaker 2: considered the bad guy for feeling emotions and being upset.

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Speaker 1: Oh, that's really really hard. There's a few lays there,

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Speaker 1: because grief, Yeah, does change people, and everyone grieves so differently,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes they push away the people we love the most.

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Speaker 1: But also, yeah, this is your wedding. I just I

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Speaker 1: think being asked this, in my personal opinion, being asked

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Speaker 1: to be a bridesmaid is one of life's biggest honors.

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Speaker 1: It is such a special time. I would just not

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Speaker 1: miss that for anything. I am in a situation soon

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Speaker 1: where I have to go somewhere where there's going to

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Speaker 1: be someone that I don't want to interact with And

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Speaker 1: there's been moments where I've wanted to pull out, but

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Speaker 1: I won't do that to the person that it's their event,

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Speaker 1: So I can understand the eackiness. I think if I

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Speaker 1: was you, I probably would go this weekend, but I'd

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Speaker 1: have some conversations there. Yeah, I think this is actually

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Speaker 1: a really good opportunity to get a lot of clarity

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Speaker 1: and to sit her down and just say, hey, I

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Speaker 1: feel this energy is off. I can only assume because

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Speaker 1: we haven't spoken, but is there anything you want to

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Speaker 1: talk about? Is there something that I've done, something I

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Speaker 1: can say sorry for? Where are you at? You know?

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Speaker 1: Is it another way I can support you? Is this

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Speaker 1: it for our friendship? I can feel you pulling away?

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Speaker 1: Do you just need space? Like there's so many questions

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Speaker 1: that you could ask to get more clarity. Absolutely, when

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Speaker 1: you're going away for the weekend, she might be a

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Speaker 1: bit more regulated because she's got the time and space

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Speaker 1: to have those conversations as well. And then some things

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Speaker 1: might come to the surface that you're unaware of and

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Speaker 1: then you can work through it or can be the

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Speaker 1: end of the road for your journey as well. At

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Speaker 1: least you have clarity then, so I'd be going, yeah.

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Speaker 2: And I really like what you said about how you

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Speaker 2: acknowledge your own feelings. You said, but I'm allowed to

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Speaker 2: be heard about this too. I think that's really important

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Speaker 2: to know that just because somebody's going through something doesn't

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Speaker 2: mean that your emotions don't exist, because you're both having

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Speaker 2: your own experience and that they both get to be

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Speaker 2: true and it both gets to be real for you.

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Speaker 1: You got. It reminded me of that when I go

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Speaker 1: through something, when I'm like overly taking response overly like

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, but it's for them, and da da day,

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Speaker 1: You're like, yes, but it's equally as hard for you

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Speaker 1: because you're still experiencing this. And it's really nice to

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Speaker 1: hear that, because sometimes you just always park your own

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Speaker 1: feelings and emotions to protect someone else or to not

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Speaker 1: cause problems and be the peacemaker. Then you suppress how

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Speaker 1: you feel and it's like that doesn't feel nice either.

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Speaker 1: It's definitely so easy to do.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't matter what situation it is, because you're always

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Speaker 2: trying to be considerate or putting yourself in somebody else's

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Speaker 2: shoes of how they might be feeling. But to what

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Speaker 2: extent exactly. So, yes, it's great that you've considered her

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Speaker 2: in this, but what do you want out of this dynamic?

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Speaker 1: Like this is your special day?

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Speaker 2: And yes you I'm sure, And it sounds like you've

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Speaker 2: held a lot of space for her and her grief

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Speaker 2: and have been through there through every up and down,

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Speaker 2: which is amazing. And also now this is where you

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Speaker 2: get to really call her forward in this too of

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Speaker 2: like a hay like this is a really important day

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Speaker 2: to me, Like, I know and understand that you're going

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Speaker 2: through some stuff, but I can't help but feel you

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Speaker 2: have some resistance to my wedding and it has nothing

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Speaker 2: to do with your grief. Is this true for you?

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Speaker 2: Like can we explore that? I think that might be

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Speaker 2: a really cool way to kind of explore and question

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Speaker 2: what's really.

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Speaker 1: Coming up for her? That's beautiful.

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Speaker 2: You'll never know unless you ask. Like there's been a

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Speaker 2: lot of bestI advice stuff on things that are just

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Speaker 2: revolve around conversation.

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Speaker 1: Honestly, majority that comes in it has come down in conversation. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: the bravery to have the conversations, how to have the conversations,

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Speaker 1: how to hold the space, how to ask the right questions,

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Speaker 1: how to navigate it. But we avoid because we're scared

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Speaker 1: or we don't know how they're going to react, and

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Speaker 1: we can only assume. But assuming is the opposite of communication.

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Speaker 2: That's right. Yeah, it only gets worse in your head.

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Speaker 2: Does you know when you feel someone's pulling away, you're like, oh,

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Speaker 2: why they're doing it? Does she not want to come

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Speaker 2: to my wedding? Does she not like me anymore? Is

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Speaker 2: she doesn't want to be my friend anymore? Not wrong?

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Speaker 2: And then you know she's just over here just having

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Speaker 2: a real hard time. Yeah, Or there is something going

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Speaker 2: on for her and what you're feeling is true. Yah,

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Speaker 2: it's just so it can absolutely be the case, and

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Speaker 2: she's just not able to be brave enough to be

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Speaker 2: honest with you about that, do you know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: So it's really like a communication thing. And if this

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Speaker 2: person is as important to you as you say that

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Speaker 2: she is, yeah, call her, Yeah, pull her hate There's

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Speaker 2: something really important that I need to talk to you about. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to need you to listen to me because

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Speaker 2: it feels scary to bring this in and I don't

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Speaker 2: know how you're going to react or respond, but I

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Speaker 2: just needed to listen to me for five minutes.

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Speaker 1: Can you do that? Because you're more important to me

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Speaker 1: to have this conversation than to just avoid.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and be honest, like hey, Like when you

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Speaker 2: pulled out of my wedding, I felt heartbroken. This is

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Speaker 2: a very important day of my life and I really

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Speaker 2: want you to be there.

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Speaker 1: You know what through grief too, And I can only

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Speaker 1: speak from my own experience too, but even this year,

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Speaker 1: going through a bit of grief is I did feel

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Speaker 1: like a burden to be around because I was so

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Speaker 1: sad all the time. Yeah, I felt there was moments

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Speaker 1: where I just wanted to pull in and not be

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Speaker 1: with anyone because I just felt like I was in

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Speaker 1: this low sad state and I needed to be in

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Speaker 1: there because I needed to feel it all. But I

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Speaker 1: definitely could feel myself not wanting to be around people. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and even the person that was grieving the most, I

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Speaker 1: felt there was moments of that too, and we had

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Speaker 1: to come together and communicate and chat about how we

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Speaker 1: were both feeling. And that brings connection and brings fundability

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Speaker 1: and you can be on that journey together. So your

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Speaker 1: friend might be doing that because she feels like that

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Speaker 1: she might be pushing everyone away because she just is

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Speaker 1: not coping and does want to feel like a burden,

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Speaker 1: doesn'tant to keep talking about it. Yes, and she's really

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Speaker 1: not coping, so her way to cope is to avoid. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and that's a coping mechanism for so many people, of course.

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Speaker 1: So if that is the case, at least, if she

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Speaker 1: can acknowledge that and talk about that, then you can

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Speaker 1: give the space so you can say, hey, you're never

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Speaker 1: too much for me. You can bring this in a

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Speaker 1: million times. You can bring this in for the next

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Speaker 1: thirty years if you need to. I will always have

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Speaker 1: space to hear about your dad. Yeah. I always want

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Speaker 1: to hear about him. I always want to know where

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Speaker 1: your heart's at, and I will always be here to

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Speaker 1: hold you through that. It might just be exactly what

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Speaker 1: she needs to hear to go, oh fuck, I don't

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Speaker 1: have to do this alone, you know, which is what

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Speaker 1: I went through too.

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Speaker 2: It's so true. And you know what, maybe like big

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Speaker 2: social events like that for her just feel like, oh,

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Speaker 2: that's a lot of energy.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know if I can hold that. So

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Speaker 1: I don't know.

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Speaker 2: I'm playing Devil's advocate here and just seeing from her

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Speaker 2: point of view, potentially it could just be a thing

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Speaker 2: for her being like, oh, that feels like a lot

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Speaker 2: of energy that I can't give, and right now small

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Speaker 2: talk feels like a really big stretch for me.

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Speaker 1: You know, when you go a environments.

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Speaker 2: See people that you haven't met before, you know, or

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Speaker 2: see people that.

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Speaker 1: Don't love it, to be honest, yeah, go on coming

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Speaker 1: up and like we know no one there.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So it's like sometimes that is like the inner

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Speaker 2: thought process of like I'm already drowning right now?

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Speaker 1: Am I going to be able to hold this? And

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Speaker 1: that can be a conversation of Okay, like when you

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Speaker 1: walk down the aisle and we have our ceremony, like

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Speaker 1: do you want to have go have space or do

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Speaker 1: you not want to come to the reception or what's

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Speaker 1: the way that we can work this out? It feels

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Speaker 1: I like that that's really good. Actually, then she's still

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Speaker 1: showing up for you, but you're also meeting in the

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Speaker 1: middle and it's a compromised where it.

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Speaker 2: Feels too much for her. Yeah, like it's the whole

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Speaker 2: wedding too much. Do you have the capacity for just

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Speaker 2: this part or whichever part feels like more special to

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Speaker 2: you and that you want to be a part of.

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Speaker 1: I think I would feel good with that that she

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Speaker 1: could walk down the aisle and see that part and

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Speaker 1: understand that she doesn't want to be there for the

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Speaker 1: part of it, the speeches, and be the small talk

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Speaker 1: that makes sense, that's understandable. I think it's a happy

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Speaker 1: medium there that you guys can meet in the middle

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Speaker 1: and be there for each other.

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Speaker 2: Or if you end up having a conversation where she

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Speaker 2: just says, I absolutely cannot go. It will take everything

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Speaker 2: out of me to go, and I just I'm sorry

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Speaker 2: I can't meet you here. I wonder if it's a

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Speaker 2: conversation around how else you can celebrate this special day

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Speaker 2: of yours, you know, just plugged in time, just you two,

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Speaker 2: you know, And I know that that's like a stretch,

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Speaker 2: and I know I.

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Speaker 1: Feel imagine just role playing. Imagine me saying that to

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Speaker 1: you and your wedding day, babe, I will die. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like if you I didn't

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Speaker 1: know you when I was married, but if you couldn't

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Speaker 1: come to my wedding, I probably would cancel my wedding

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Speaker 1: having it without her, you know what I mean, Like literally,

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Speaker 1: or I can come to yours. It just don't feel wrong.

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Speaker 1: It would feel so right. So I feel for her

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Speaker 1: and that it's like, I don't know if there is

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Speaker 1: another way to celebrate it, make it happen.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, I was gonna say, There's no way I'd

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Speaker 2: be saying that to you.

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Speaker 1: No, I'd be like, I'm sorry, you have to come,

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Speaker 1: you were coming. Yeah, this is non negotiable. Literally start

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Speaker 1: up to be my best friend because part of it.

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Speaker 1: Have a good day, and I'm going to make sure

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Speaker 1: I'm there for you as well. Yeah, going to be

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Speaker 1: there for each other. That's a good point. We're going

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Speaker 1: to hold you and you're gonna celebrate me. We're gonna

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Speaker 1: do this together because that's what we do.

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Speaker 2: I think communication finding a happy medium that feels good

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Speaker 2: for both of you, and also when you both feel

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Speaker 2: hurt and seen by each other, whatever is sitting in

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Speaker 2: between you will dissolve so quickly.

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Speaker 1: We also still need more context. This is us assuming

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Speaker 1: how she might be feeling, yes, and just trying to

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Speaker 1: cover all bases of it might be coming up. So

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Speaker 1: hopefully we've covered it and hopefully when you go this weekend,

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Speaker 1: I hope you've gone. If if this is too late,

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Speaker 1: hopefully you can have the conversations and get clarity regardless.

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Speaker 1: But it all comes down to you, guys, having a conversation.

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Speaker 1: It does, it really does. Be brave, hold the torch,

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Speaker 1: lead the way, show them how safe it is to

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Speaker 1: talk to you. Be that person. Be willing to go first. Yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: you've got this all right. Thanks for joining me the

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Speaker 1: next time. Bye,