1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:13,441 Speaker 1: Appolchie production an easier advice. Are you okay? What happened? 2 00:00:14,041 --> 00:00:18,481 Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in. Welcome 3 00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:26,320 Speaker 1: to our bestie segment. This is the place for you. 4 00:00:27,841 --> 00:00:31,281 Speaker 2: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to Shoe Rises our bestie segment. 5 00:00:31,441 --> 00:00:34,681 Speaker 1: What have you got today? We have one about grief. 6 00:00:34,921 --> 00:00:37,200 Speaker 3: Oh, there's a lot coming through about gre There is 7 00:00:37,241 --> 00:00:38,961 Speaker 3: a lot upbreak definitely a season. 8 00:00:39,281 --> 00:00:40,601 Speaker 1: All right, are we ready? Yes? 9 00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:43,881 Speaker 3: What's your advice on a so called bestie who after 10 00:00:43,921 --> 00:00:46,401 Speaker 3: you've had an extremely close death in the family carries 11 00:00:46,441 --> 00:00:49,001 Speaker 3: on months later as if nothing has happened. They don't 12 00:00:49,001 --> 00:00:51,200 Speaker 3: message or reach out, and when they do it's as 13 00:00:51,241 --> 00:00:54,321 Speaker 3: if nothing has happened. The impression is that I should 14 00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:55,920 Speaker 3: be over it by now. But not going to be 15 00:00:55,961 --> 00:01:01,321 Speaker 3: the case. Because the death was a sibling. That's really tough. 16 00:01:01,601 --> 00:01:01,920 Speaker 1: That's it. 17 00:01:02,361 --> 00:01:06,041 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a very short one. Oh, it's a very 18 00:01:06,041 --> 00:01:08,001 Speaker 3: short one. That's so devastating. 19 00:01:08,281 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 2: I'm so so sorry to hear you've lost a sibling. 20 00:01:11,441 --> 00:01:13,360 Speaker 1: I can't even imagine. Oh, that would be the most 21 00:01:13,401 --> 00:01:15,761 Speaker 1: heartbreaking feeling. I think. 22 00:01:15,761 --> 00:01:17,161 Speaker 3: Firstly, I just want to say I'm sorry that you 23 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,681 Speaker 3: had to go through that, because it is not something 24 00:01:18,681 --> 00:01:20,721 Speaker 3: that I would wish want anybody to have to go through, 25 00:01:20,801 --> 00:01:23,080 Speaker 3: especially if you had such a close relationship with them. 26 00:01:23,321 --> 00:01:24,640 Speaker 1: It's really really hard. 27 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,521 Speaker 3: And also, I think when it comes to grief, I 28 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,761 Speaker 3: think one of the most challenging things I've seen about 29 00:01:30,801 --> 00:01:33,681 Speaker 3: grief is that you get stuck in grief and everybody 30 00:01:33,681 --> 00:01:36,881 Speaker 3: else around you continues to live their lives life. And 31 00:01:37,321 --> 00:01:39,481 Speaker 3: I'm really sorry that you feel that there's an expectation 32 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,121 Speaker 3: on you to have just gotten over it, because I 33 00:01:41,161 --> 00:01:42,521 Speaker 3: don't think this is going to be something that you 34 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,761 Speaker 3: get over forever, Like, this is always going to be 35 00:01:44,761 --> 00:01:47,761 Speaker 3: something that stays with you and shapes you, and there's 36 00:01:47,761 --> 00:01:49,561 Speaker 3: going to be little moments where you remember them or 37 00:01:49,561 --> 00:01:52,241 Speaker 3: think about them and it brings that overwhelming feeling of 38 00:01:52,281 --> 00:01:52,921 Speaker 3: grief back. 39 00:01:54,401 --> 00:01:57,441 Speaker 1: But I yeah, I oh, I don't know. It's hard one, 40 00:01:57,481 --> 00:01:59,561 Speaker 1: isn't it. Did you say the expectation is that I 41 00:01:59,601 --> 00:02:02,361 Speaker 1: should be over it? Oh? No, the impression, imprecious. 42 00:02:02,361 --> 00:02:04,681 Speaker 3: Is that assumption though, Yeah, the impression is that I 43 00:02:04,681 --> 00:02:06,481 Speaker 3: should be over it by now, but it's not going 44 00:02:06,521 --> 00:02:08,201 Speaker 3: to be the case because the death was a sibling. 45 00:02:08,441 --> 00:02:11,001 Speaker 2: Is that an assumption that she's assuming her best friend 46 00:02:11,081 --> 00:02:14,201 Speaker 2: thinks she should be over it. You're right, when someone 47 00:02:14,281 --> 00:02:17,120 Speaker 2: is going through grief, the whole world keeps moving and 48 00:02:17,481 --> 00:02:20,960 Speaker 2: life continues on for everyone else. I don't think she 49 00:02:21,001 --> 00:02:24,201 Speaker 2: doesn't care. In my experience in grief, I think a 50 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,561 Speaker 2: lot of people don't know how to hold it. They 51 00:02:26,561 --> 00:02:29,201 Speaker 2: don't know how to support that, don't know what to say. 52 00:02:29,721 --> 00:02:32,041 Speaker 2: They don't say anything because they're scared of saying the 53 00:02:32,081 --> 00:02:34,721 Speaker 2: wrong things. I know because I've been in that position before. 54 00:02:34,841 --> 00:02:36,681 Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, I don't want to say the wrong thing. 55 00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:38,401 Speaker 2: I want to support. I'm not sure what they need like. 56 00:02:38,481 --> 00:02:42,121 Speaker 2: It's really hard to navigate. But what I've also learned 57 00:02:42,161 --> 00:02:44,321 Speaker 2: is to not lean out because then you make that 58 00:02:44,361 --> 00:02:48,041 Speaker 2: person feel more alone. Is like lean in, But then 59 00:02:48,761 --> 00:02:51,240 Speaker 2: where you're at, I think this is a time where 60 00:02:51,321 --> 00:02:54,361 Speaker 2: you get to speak up and communicate what you need 61 00:02:54,401 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 2: from her and ask her if she could provide that. 62 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,960 Speaker 1: Hey, I'm really going through it right now. 63 00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 2: I know life continues, I know the world keeps revolving, 64 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:06,921 Speaker 2: that's what happens. But I am stuck here. I feel 65 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,761 Speaker 2: so alone. I really need some extra support. Is this 66 00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:11,840 Speaker 2: something you know you can be there for me about? 67 00:03:12,081 --> 00:03:15,081 Speaker 2: Absolutely have to really direct I'd be curious. Yeah, is 68 00:03:15,081 --> 00:03:17,960 Speaker 2: it like, is there you're wanting more curiosity? Do you 69 00:03:18,001 --> 00:03:20,721 Speaker 2: want her to ask you more questions about just hold space, 70 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,441 Speaker 2: how you're doing, how you're feeling is coming up for 71 00:03:23,481 --> 00:03:26,041 Speaker 2: you recently, how your heart is today, Like what do 72 00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,761 Speaker 2: you think that that might look like for you? That 73 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,201 Speaker 2: would make you feel so supported by this person, and 74 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,281 Speaker 2: so that you know that this person is able to 75 00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:35,881 Speaker 2: hold you and support you throughout this journey. Yeah, it's 76 00:03:35,921 --> 00:03:38,841 Speaker 2: important for you to know because she can't assume what 77 00:03:38,881 --> 00:03:40,961 Speaker 2: it is you might need. You might want distraction. You 78 00:03:41,041 --> 00:03:42,801 Speaker 2: might want her to take you out to do something fun, 79 00:03:43,081 --> 00:03:44,880 Speaker 2: plan a weekly data and you might want to sit 80 00:03:44,921 --> 00:03:46,801 Speaker 2: down and just lay there and listen to music together, 81 00:03:46,921 --> 00:03:48,761 Speaker 2: or look at old photos of your siblings and talk 82 00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:51,001 Speaker 2: about all the fun times. Like, You've really got to 83 00:03:51,001 --> 00:03:53,881 Speaker 2: get clear on how people around you can support. 84 00:03:53,561 --> 00:03:57,401 Speaker 3: You absolutely and as well, it's easy to assume the 85 00:03:57,441 --> 00:04:00,241 Speaker 3: worst case scenario, you know, because it might feel a 86 00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:03,161 Speaker 3: little bit like to you, Well, if somebody's sibling died, 87 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,201 Speaker 3: I would just be there. Yeah, I would show and 88 00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:06,841 Speaker 3: I'd be at their house and I'd be asking questions 89 00:04:06,881 --> 00:04:09,161 Speaker 3: and I'd be doing this. So maybe the way that 90 00:04:09,201 --> 00:04:12,281 Speaker 3: she's behaving is something you don't understand because you would 91 00:04:12,321 --> 00:04:15,641 Speaker 3: behave differently, Well you think you would, yes, But this 92 00:04:15,761 --> 00:04:19,641 Speaker 3: is also the expectation, right, We naturally don't understand why 93 00:04:19,681 --> 00:04:21,961 Speaker 3: someone does something if we don't personally think that we 94 00:04:22,001 --> 00:04:24,361 Speaker 3: would do it ourselves. So I think that's also an 95 00:04:24,401 --> 00:04:27,801 Speaker 3: important reason why communication and all of this is so important, 96 00:04:27,921 --> 00:04:30,761 Speaker 3: because then you kind of remove the assumptions. Yeah, remove 97 00:04:31,201 --> 00:04:34,081 Speaker 3: you know, maybe feelings of feeling neglected or that they 98 00:04:34,081 --> 00:04:35,681 Speaker 3: don't love you, or that they don't care about you, 99 00:04:35,761 --> 00:04:38,121 Speaker 3: because the reality is it's probably not true at all, 100 00:04:38,521 --> 00:04:40,041 Speaker 3: and maybe they just don't know how to navigate the 101 00:04:40,041 --> 00:04:41,681 Speaker 3: grief just as much as you probably don't. 102 00:04:41,801 --> 00:04:44,280 Speaker 1: I don't think anyone knows how to navigate it. It's hard. 103 00:04:44,561 --> 00:04:46,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, what you said back then just sparksling for me 104 00:04:46,561 --> 00:04:49,361 Speaker 2: of we said this, and it's like I would never 105 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,481 Speaker 2: do that, or I would show up like this. Oh 106 00:04:51,521 --> 00:04:53,281 Speaker 2: my gosh, if that happened to me, I would not 107 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 2: do that, or I would be doing this and I'd 108 00:04:54,921 --> 00:04:58,801 Speaker 2: see this online. With Emily Kaisar, she's an American influencer 109 00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:01,601 Speaker 2: and she lost her little boy. He drowned, and four 110 00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:04,041 Speaker 2: months later she's back online sharing her life and the 111 00:05:04,201 --> 00:05:09,121 Speaker 2: comments action makes me fucking sick. I'm like grown women, 112 00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:12,200 Speaker 2: the things they say, Oh, if I lost my baby, 113 00:05:12,241 --> 00:05:14,760 Speaker 2: I would never be back on I lost my baby. 114 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,601 Speaker 2: I wouldn't be going to the mall if I lost 115 00:05:16,641 --> 00:05:18,601 Speaker 2: my baby. I wouldn't be getting my hair done. If 116 00:05:18,641 --> 00:05:20,361 Speaker 2: I lost my baby, I wouldn't still be living in 117 00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:22,801 Speaker 2: that house. I'm like, oh, oh, do you know, do 118 00:05:22,841 --> 00:05:25,121 Speaker 2: you I get so riled up because I'm like, this 119 00:05:25,161 --> 00:05:28,440 Speaker 2: poor woman has lost her fucking child, and you know what, 120 00:05:28,521 --> 00:05:30,801 Speaker 2: this is her job. If you are a nurse or 121 00:05:30,841 --> 00:05:34,841 Speaker 2: a bankkeeper, or you work on a farm or work 122 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:39,601 Speaker 2: in retail, you can't just not work, no, unless you've 123 00:05:39,641 --> 00:05:42,200 Speaker 2: got millions of dollars sitting in the bank someone started 124 00:05:42,201 --> 00:05:43,601 Speaker 2: to go fund me account, and you can have a 125 00:05:43,601 --> 00:05:45,601 Speaker 2: couple of months off, but most people have to go 126 00:05:45,681 --> 00:05:48,401 Speaker 2: back to work. This is her job. She doesn't work 127 00:05:48,401 --> 00:05:51,241 Speaker 2: in a retail store. She works online with brand sponsorships 128 00:05:51,241 --> 00:05:53,041 Speaker 2: and deals, and a lot of people don't understand that 129 00:05:53,041 --> 00:05:54,681 Speaker 2: as being a real job, but it is her job, 130 00:05:55,161 --> 00:05:59,201 Speaker 2: and also they bring some normality back and her accounselors. 131 00:05:59,241 --> 00:06:01,641 Speaker 2: She explained that her counselor said, gree is never going 132 00:06:01,681 --> 00:06:03,601 Speaker 2: to go away. Her son's never coming back, so she 133 00:06:03,641 --> 00:06:05,921 Speaker 2: has to bring some normality back so she can actually 134 00:06:05,921 --> 00:06:09,281 Speaker 2: survive and get through another day. So I just think, yeah, 135 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,320 Speaker 2: we can't say those statements of what I would never 136 00:06:11,641 --> 00:06:13,841 Speaker 2: and I would do this because you don't know and 137 00:06:13,961 --> 00:06:16,200 Speaker 2: I don't know. I just my gut intuition from hearing 138 00:06:16,241 --> 00:06:18,080 Speaker 2: your stories. Your friend doesn't know how to hold you 139 00:06:18,121 --> 00:06:21,081 Speaker 2: in it. Yeah, and she's petrified and it feels so heavy, 140 00:06:21,121 --> 00:06:23,161 Speaker 2: and she's scared she's going to say the wrong thing. 141 00:06:23,201 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 2: But I think if you can lean into her and 142 00:06:24,721 --> 00:06:27,161 Speaker 2: be really clear with like, this would feel so nice 143 00:06:27,161 --> 00:06:28,921 Speaker 2: if we went and did this regularly. 144 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,121 Speaker 1: Do you have space for me? Can you hold me 145 00:06:31,161 --> 00:06:31,401 Speaker 1: in this? 146 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:32,961 Speaker 3: And also as well, when you're in the middle of 147 00:06:32,961 --> 00:06:35,001 Speaker 3: the grief so much times it can be really hard 148 00:06:35,001 --> 00:06:37,561 Speaker 3: to ask for support and it's so scary too because 149 00:06:37,641 --> 00:06:39,321 Speaker 3: we don't want to be seen in our mess ever. 150 00:06:40,081 --> 00:06:42,441 Speaker 3: But also in a time of grief, like we talk 151 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,520 Speaker 3: about this often, when we can share the emotional load 152 00:06:45,561 --> 00:06:47,281 Speaker 3: of things that we're going through, doesn't feel us heavy 153 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,121 Speaker 3: when we go through it because we know that we 154 00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:51,361 Speaker 3: have people around us who can hold us when we 155 00:06:51,401 --> 00:06:53,760 Speaker 3: need to crumble, and we know in this space, like 156 00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:55,561 Speaker 3: I don't have to be the strong one right now. Yeah, 157 00:06:55,561 --> 00:06:57,320 Speaker 3: I can actually be the person who breaks down and 158 00:06:57,361 --> 00:06:59,561 Speaker 3: cries and lets this person hold me because I know 159 00:06:59,601 --> 00:07:01,721 Speaker 3: that they've got me. And having that when you're going 160 00:07:01,761 --> 00:07:05,521 Speaker 3: through things like grief is so so necessary on this journey. 161 00:07:05,561 --> 00:07:07,481 Speaker 3: Otherwise it can be so easy to get lost in it. 162 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:10,001 Speaker 3: We don't want that for you, no way, So you 163 00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:12,201 Speaker 3: so much love. I just can't even imagine. Grief is 164 00:07:12,241 --> 00:07:14,001 Speaker 3: just We've said this in so many episodes. That's just 165 00:07:14,041 --> 00:07:18,201 Speaker 3: the most hardest thing about life, losing loved ones. And 166 00:07:18,241 --> 00:07:19,921 Speaker 3: we all know it's going to happen one day, but 167 00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:21,521 Speaker 3: you don't think about that day to day, and you 168 00:07:21,521 --> 00:07:23,681 Speaker 3: actually don't know what that feels like until you actually 169 00:07:23,681 --> 00:07:25,361 Speaker 3: go through it. Absolutely, and when you're in the thick 170 00:07:25,401 --> 00:07:28,481 Speaker 3: of losing someone, it's like, holy fuck, a world feels 171 00:07:28,481 --> 00:07:29,321 Speaker 3: like it's going to end. 172 00:07:29,521 --> 00:07:32,561 Speaker 1: You know, it's awful, and really, my heart goes out 173 00:07:32,561 --> 00:07:32,761 Speaker 1: to you. 174 00:07:33,201 --> 00:07:34,761 Speaker 3: So yeah, we just wanted to send you so much 175 00:07:34,761 --> 00:07:37,201 Speaker 3: love and just know, like be patient and kind to 176 00:07:37,241 --> 00:07:40,041 Speaker 3: yourself on this journey, like allow the grief in, allow 177 00:07:40,081 --> 00:07:41,881 Speaker 3: it to come up, but also lean on the people 178 00:07:41,881 --> 00:07:44,681 Speaker 3: in your life because you're gonna need it and. 179 00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:47,401 Speaker 2: Be brave, be brave to communicate what you need from her. 180 00:07:47,561 --> 00:07:50,121 Speaker 2: She might really surprise you. And also, if she's not 181 00:07:50,201 --> 00:07:52,081 Speaker 2: that person that's a former grief as well, you have 182 00:07:52,081 --> 00:07:53,921 Speaker 2: to grief who you thought she would be in this time. 183 00:07:54,321 --> 00:07:55,801 Speaker 2: But lean on the people that can hold you in 184 00:07:55,841 --> 00:07:57,961 Speaker 2: this because you deserve to have that level of support 185 00:07:58,001 --> 00:07:59,321 Speaker 2: and love and strength. 186 00:07:59,401 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 1: Like stabilizes there. 187 00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,961 Speaker 3: When it comes to the important things in life, it's 188 00:08:03,201 --> 00:08:08,601 Speaker 3: just not worth communicating. It removes assumptions, It stops any 189 00:08:08,601 --> 00:08:12,801 Speaker 3: gray area, any confusion or any stories that might start 190 00:08:12,841 --> 00:08:14,881 Speaker 3: to create in your head about what this person is doing, 191 00:08:14,921 --> 00:08:17,041 Speaker 3: thinking or saying. And I just think when it comes 192 00:08:17,081 --> 00:08:19,121 Speaker 3: to the people that we love, we've got to pull 193 00:08:19,161 --> 00:08:21,961 Speaker 3: them closer and be willing to put our egos aside, 194 00:08:22,041 --> 00:08:25,081 Speaker 3: be vulnerable, communicate because those are the people who really 195 00:08:25,081 --> 00:08:27,561 Speaker 3: matter in life. And as you know, like this grief journey, 196 00:08:28,001 --> 00:08:30,321 Speaker 3: you know that's not an easy thing. And the thing 197 00:08:30,361 --> 00:08:32,641 Speaker 3: that really helps us lift us up in these times 198 00:08:32,801 --> 00:08:34,601 Speaker 3: is the people that we love and the people that 199 00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:36,721 Speaker 3: we get to lean on. So I hope that this 200 00:08:36,841 --> 00:08:39,521 Speaker 3: is just a piece of advice and evidence for you 201 00:08:39,641 --> 00:08:41,441 Speaker 3: that it's safe to do so and that it will 202 00:08:41,441 --> 00:08:42,881 Speaker 3: only benefit you by doing so. 203 00:08:43,361 --> 00:08:45,081 Speaker 2: Yeah, we're here for you as well as you so 204 00:08:45,201 --> 00:08:46,761 Speaker 2: much love and if there's any other way that we 205 00:08:46,761 --> 00:08:47,401 Speaker 2: can support you. 206 00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:49,401 Speaker 1: Let us know, Please let us know. Bye, guys, We'll 207 00:08:49,401 --> 00:08:50,481 Speaker 1: see you in the next one. I