WEBVTT - I JUST GOT DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD, WHAT NOW? 0:00:00.600 --> 0:00:02.480 Matt, are you ready for a night of fun? 0:00:03.000 --> 0:00:05.000 I'm always down for fun. Now now you know that. 0:00:05.200 --> 0:00:08.479 Well, we hear two million listens this year and to celebrate, 0:00:08.520 --> 0:00:09.640 we're going on tour. 0:00:09.640 --> 0:00:10.319 That we are. 0:00:10.520 --> 0:00:13.119 So on Thursday the seventh of September, we're going to 0:00:13.119 --> 0:00:14.560 be in Melbourne, Wednesday. 0:00:14.240 --> 0:00:16.800 The thirteenth of September, we're going to be in Brisbane. 0:00:16.560 --> 0:00:18.840 And Thursday twenty first of September we're going to be 0:00:18.880 --> 0:00:19.400 in Sydney. 0:00:19.480 --> 0:00:22.760 We're going to have special guests, prizes and so much fun. 0:00:22.960 --> 0:00:25.560 So make sure you get your tickets in our show notes. 0:00:25.720 --> 0:00:26.920 Bye see you're there. 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:28.440 I want the fairy Tale. 0:00:28.480 --> 0:00:29.760 I want the Prince Charming. 0:00:30.200 --> 0:00:33.080 She how do I put this? Isn't a fan of 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:34.400 my kissing style. 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:38.199 Boyfriend and girlfriend for about twelve hours, he's in a 0:00:38.280 --> 0:00:38.800 trash bin. 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:43.360 He's non recyclable. Catching them up. I love being love, 0:00:43.720 --> 0:00:44.320 I love Love. 0:00:49.920 --> 0:00:52.319 Where's Your Head At Is a podcast that talks all 0:00:52.440 --> 0:00:57.720 things relationships, breakups, reality TV, trending shows, and everything in between. 0:00:58.000 --> 0:01:00.720 This is your new go to destination for life gossip, 0:01:00.880 --> 0:01:03.040 intimate details, advice, and much more. 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:10.600 Hi guys, welcome to Where's Your Head At? 0:01:11.880 --> 0:01:13.560 Hello, thank you for having us. 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:17.720 Thanks guys, We've had a lot of technical difficulties this morning. 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:18.640 You guys have been. 0:01:18.560 --> 0:01:19.319 Very good sport. 0:01:19.560 --> 0:01:21.319 Thank you for that and thank you for coming on. 0:01:22.880 --> 0:01:25.039 It gave us time to be late, but this was 0:01:25.080 --> 0:01:30.440 the first time I'm actually on time. Oh I know, 0:01:30.720 --> 0:01:31.160 I know. 0:01:31.840 --> 0:01:32.840 Well, where's your head. 0:01:32.640 --> 0:01:36.640 Out, guys, it's Monday morning. Yeah, I feel like so 0:01:36.880 --> 0:01:41.120 the technical difficulties probably making it even better, but you know, 0:01:41.880 --> 0:01:43.920 feeling good. I think excited for the week. 0:01:45.040 --> 0:01:47.680 This is cool about you. 0:01:47.720 --> 0:01:51.440 Guys have an awesome presence on TikTok. Your videos have 0:01:51.600 --> 0:01:55.120 gone like viral viral, like millions and millions and millions 0:01:55.120 --> 0:01:58.840 of likes and views. What made you get into TikTok? 0:01:59.120 --> 0:02:04.720 Firstly, I think I've been doing TikTok since doing the 0:02:04.760 --> 0:02:07.680 lame dances were a things, So I never got into 0:02:07.680 --> 0:02:11.440 the dances, but when that was like what TikTok was 0:02:11.440 --> 0:02:13.280 was when I kind of started. 0:02:13.360 --> 0:02:16.639 And I think I get to send lots of facets 0:02:16.639 --> 0:02:19.079 to me and I've always been like someone that likes 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:22.200 to share that all openly and all the things, so 0:02:22.720 --> 0:02:25.480 I just kind of I didn't ever have like a niche. 0:02:25.520 --> 0:02:27.600 I guess when it came to TikTok. I would just 0:02:27.639 --> 0:02:31.799 share were friends center everything, and then yeah, I had 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:34.360 like a few videos I guess go viral in the 0:02:34.400 --> 0:02:38.359 early days, and they weren't about like ADHD or anything. 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:41.799 They were just I guess, random ones. And then yeah, 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:44.919 kind of fell in love with creating and yeah, then 0:02:45.000 --> 0:02:48.320 Barry just decided to start filming me in my chaoticness. 0:02:48.360 --> 0:02:50.040 So that's how our account started. 0:02:50.360 --> 0:02:53.360 Our account started with the lies, and then it was 0:02:53.400 --> 0:02:56.520 just so odd, just building constantly, and then it. 0:02:56.440 --> 0:02:58.640 Was just a hyper focus that they moved on from 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:04.240 I go over this one, over this now. 0:03:05.280 --> 0:03:08.160 So you guys do a lot of content on ADHD. 0:03:09.080 --> 0:03:11.440 Both of you have ADHD. Do one of you have 0:03:11.600 --> 0:03:13.160 a talk us through that? 0:03:14.320 --> 0:03:18.800 So I am the ADHD in the relationship and Barry 0:03:18.960 --> 0:03:19.280 is not. 0:03:20.000 --> 0:03:23.560 So yeah, when did you find out you were diagnosed 0:03:23.560 --> 0:03:24.280 with ADHD? 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:29.600 So I was diagnosed. It was kind of like an official, 0:03:29.720 --> 0:03:32.359 unofficial diagnosis when I was really young. So I had 0:03:32.400 --> 0:03:36.000 a lot of behavioral issues growing up, and this was 0:03:36.040 --> 0:03:39.640 all before I actually started school. So I was diagnosed. 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:41.480 My mom took me to the doctor at about three 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:45.240 or four. She can't remember exactly when, but it was 0:03:45.240 --> 0:03:47.640 around that age. And at that time, there was just 0:03:47.760 --> 0:03:51.760 such little awareness around how it presented in girls and 0:03:51.760 --> 0:03:53.320 then as well, I think there was a lot of 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:57.400 shame around medicating your child in that sense, and I 0:03:57.400 --> 0:03:59.040 guess it's a mom as well. You're not going to 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:02.320 medicate your kid if you don't know what it even 0:04:02.480 --> 0:04:06.160 is or what they're like medicating for. So that was 0:04:06.200 --> 0:04:08.880 like the only conversation. And obviously, being three or four, 0:04:08.920 --> 0:04:12.360 I barely even remember that situation. I remember all the 0:04:12.400 --> 0:04:17.200 school changes, but yeah, so I was technically be diagnosed, 0:04:17.240 --> 0:04:21.280 but that conversation never nothing ever came from that conversation. 0:04:21.400 --> 0:04:24.679 I just grew up as a normal kid into teenage 0:04:24.760 --> 0:04:30.680 years and it wasn't until I actually graduated UNI, which 0:04:30.720 --> 0:04:33.240 we actually told this story yesterday on the podcast that 0:04:33.279 --> 0:04:36.840 we recorded. But yeah, I was in the kitchen one 0:04:36.839 --> 0:04:40.280 morning with my housemate and we had conversation after conversation, 0:04:40.440 --> 0:04:42.839 and it would always happen this way. I would say, hey, 0:04:42.880 --> 0:04:44.320 what are you doing this morning? Or like what are 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:46.720 you doing today? And she'd be like, yeah, I'm going 0:04:46.720 --> 0:04:48.440 to UNI bowl. I should tell me the whole spiel, 0:04:48.480 --> 0:04:50.400 and then two seconds later, so what are you up 0:04:50.440 --> 0:04:52.120 to today? Like blah, blah blah. What are you doing? 0:04:52.160 --> 0:04:56.159 And she's like, I'm going for UNI at this time, 0:04:56.200 --> 0:04:58.000 at this time, blah blah blah. And then I'll just 0:04:58.040 --> 0:05:01.200 be making my breakfast or something and then I'd be like, course, 0:05:01.200 --> 0:05:03.080 so what time are you getting home this afternoon? What 0:05:03.320 --> 0:05:04.800 are your plans to do? And she's like, I'm sick 0:05:04.839 --> 0:05:08.320 of having the same conversation with you ten times every morning, 0:05:08.800 --> 0:05:11.080 and she's like, you need to like go to the 0:05:11.120 --> 0:05:13.600 doctor and get your head sorted. So I did, and 0:05:13.640 --> 0:05:17.360 that was actually when I ended up getting my adult diagnosis. 0:05:17.720 --> 0:05:22.280 Wow. So yeah, like twenty four, I think. 0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:25.920 I was like twenty yes, twenty four to twenty five. 0:05:26.240 --> 0:05:29.680 It was in twenty nineteen. COVID's got my head all 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:31.479 over the shop, but yeah, it was. 0:05:31.440 --> 0:05:36.880 Around that aid, So you lived twenty four years not knowing. 0:05:37.080 --> 0:05:39.080 Did you feel like you were different from everyone else? 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:41.400 Did you feel like the way you were like and 0:05:41.400 --> 0:05:42.320 all that sort of stuff. 0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:45.640 Yeah, one hundred percent. I think the masking was a 0:05:45.680 --> 0:05:48.280 really big thing for me, Like I always noticed that, 0:05:48.680 --> 0:05:51.680 And masking is exhausting if you kind of know what 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:54.160 it is, but it's constantly feeling like you're having to 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:58.480 suppress these parts of you to kind of fit the norm. 0:05:58.600 --> 0:06:01.240 And I think like that was just a very normal 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:03.760 thing for me. And I think once I got my 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:06.200 diagnosis in Barry and I call it the it was 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:09.919 like the half stage. And once you get diagnosed, you 0:06:10.000 --> 0:06:11.920 kind of sound like a broken record. But you're walking 0:06:11.960 --> 0:06:14.279 around the house and you're like, oh my god, that 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:16.880 dooom pa, that's my ADHD and you're like, oh my god, 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:19.720 like that's why every relationship has failed. Oh my god, 0:06:19.800 --> 0:06:22.040 that's why I had these patterns. And it's like you 0:06:22.160 --> 0:06:24.279 kind of just go through these moments and it's like, 0:06:24.400 --> 0:06:28.080 holy crap, Like I've masked, like you said, twenty plus 0:06:28.160 --> 0:06:31.000 years and I've just you know, tried to cope. 0:06:31.080 --> 0:06:33.880 Basically Matt is currently going through that. Aha. 0:06:34.120 --> 0:06:37.920 See, Like people are like, oh, you're using as an excuse. 0:06:38.200 --> 0:06:42.080 It's not an excuse reason why I did this, or 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:45.120 like I was this behavior in this certain situation, or 0:06:45.160 --> 0:06:47.000 why you said, like there's different things that I've done 0:06:47.040 --> 0:06:47.760 my whole life. 0:06:47.880 --> 0:06:53.120 It's interesting because the TikTok content on ADHD is so powerful. 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:56.320 I think that's the reason that you even got diagnosed, 0:06:56.800 --> 0:06:59.719 and that I think just like one week. 0:06:59.760 --> 0:07:01.120 Was just like I don't know. 0:07:01.160 --> 0:07:02.480 Okay, so there's this, this. 0:07:02.400 --> 0:07:04.320 And this, and I do it all because of ADHD 0:07:04.480 --> 0:07:06.120 and I've got most of the symptoms and like, you 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:06.680 have to watch it. 0:07:06.680 --> 0:07:08.200 And then he started sending me a million. 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:10.120 Videos and I was like, oh my god, what's happening, 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:11.400 and he was. 0:07:12.080 --> 0:07:14.880 He was. 0:07:15.840 --> 0:07:19.680 Just for our listeners who maybe don't exactly know what 0:07:19.800 --> 0:07:23.240 ADHD is. Can you give a bit of a summary. 0:07:23.120 --> 0:07:25.960 Yeah, I guess, like it's I can go down the 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:29.480 I guess textbook definition. But I think the reason that 0:07:29.680 --> 0:07:33.120 you know that textbook definition hasnt worked for so long 0:07:33.200 --> 0:07:35.680 is because how it sounds on paper is so different 0:07:35.720 --> 0:07:38.680 to how it plays out in real life, right. And 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:40.520 that's the thing is, like, you know, we've had this 0:07:40.600 --> 0:07:43.760 textbook definition of ADHD for such a long time, right, 0:07:44.080 --> 0:07:47.440 and so many people have still gone undiagnosed for so long. 0:07:47.760 --> 0:07:50.280 And that's why people like yourself, Matt, are now seeing 0:07:50.280 --> 0:07:53.560 the videos seeing it play out in real life, seeing 0:07:53.600 --> 0:07:57.120 you know, videos like ours where they're actually seeing how 0:07:57.160 --> 0:08:00.360 it manifests in real life play out, and they're like, like, 0:08:00.400 --> 0:08:03.320 that's what ADHD is. So for me, I can you know, 0:08:03.360 --> 0:08:05.760 I can sit here and say, you know, ADHD is inattention, 0:08:06.160 --> 0:08:09.560 it's you know, hyperactivity, it's all of these little ticking 0:08:09.560 --> 0:08:12.280 the boxes of symptoms. But really I just think it 0:08:12.360 --> 0:08:14.600 goes so much deeper than that. 0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:17.720 There's so much things that people wouldn't even understand, Like 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:20.480 I don't know about you, like the the one is 0:08:20.520 --> 0:08:23.480 just the rollercoaster of emotion no one talks about, Like 0:08:23.600 --> 0:08:27.760 the slightest thing can like bring you down or blow 0:08:27.800 --> 0:08:29.400 you up. No one talks about that, you know what 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:29.760 I mean. 0:08:29.960 --> 0:08:32.920 Yeah, So emotional dysregulation. I think that's one of the 0:08:33.640 --> 0:08:36.720 biggest things that I mean, and really like it's barely 0:08:36.760 --> 0:08:40.479 even in the DSM, like as in the criteria of ADHD, 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:43.400 it's like this, you know, emotional dysregulation. It's just like 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:45.520 one word, but it's like what does that actually mean? 0:08:46.160 --> 0:08:51.479 And I think like basically people with ADHD experience emotions 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:54.400 far more intensely. And the way I like to describe 0:08:54.400 --> 0:08:57.040 it is like, for example, if Baron and I were 0:08:57.040 --> 0:09:00.199 in a car and we were someone here, he was 0:09:00.280 --> 0:09:03.360 driving and someone cut him off, he would kind of 0:09:03.400 --> 0:09:06.200 be like he'd initially go to have that road rage 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:07.920 and like you know, stick the finger up or whatever 0:09:08.040 --> 0:09:11.480 and be like, oh, you, asshole, but a filter in 0:09:11.520 --> 0:09:15.360 his brain goes okay, probably not like let's just come. 0:09:15.640 --> 0:09:18.240 This way too irrelevant right now, this is a way 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:19.120 to irrelevant. 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:26.400 So he would just like, you know, this filter would pass. 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:29.760 He'd be like okay, whatever, like asshole, it'd be calm. 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:33.680 Whereas like me, I would be driving someone cuts me off. 0:09:33.679 --> 0:09:36.240 I don't have that filter, right, But it's not just 0:09:36.280 --> 0:09:38.560 that I don't have the filter. I then feel it 0:09:38.640 --> 0:09:42.160 more intensely. So my one hundred percent is like an 0:09:42.200 --> 0:09:46.240 average person's like fifty percent. That's not like quote unquote statistical, 0:09:46.360 --> 0:09:50.440 but like that's like the intensity. So someone cuts me off, 0:09:50.480 --> 0:09:54.120 I don't have that filter. The it's not there. And 0:09:54.160 --> 0:09:57.640 that's like a prime example of the emotion aspect. 0:09:58.400 --> 0:10:01.360 On the phone. The other day, someone cut me off 0:10:01.880 --> 0:10:04.120 and I started going nuts and I was like, I 0:10:04.160 --> 0:10:05.920 was like, where's my fucking tire eye? And I was 0:10:05.960 --> 0:10:08.400 like I was like looking all over my calf for 0:10:08.480 --> 0:10:08.800 the thing. 0:10:08.880 --> 0:10:10.680 And I was like giving him this speech like let's 0:10:10.720 --> 0:10:11.720 just be the happiest. 0:10:13.120 --> 0:10:16.520 I was mad. I was so fucking mad. I was 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:18.720 searching under my seat because I put the higher irons, 0:10:18.760 --> 0:10:19.200 I switched the. 0:10:20.000 --> 0:10:21.800 I'm going to take that out so you don't end 0:10:21.840 --> 0:10:22.560 up in jail. 0:10:24.640 --> 0:10:29.000 I was ready, but I'm yeah, I feel like the 0:10:29.040 --> 0:10:31.679 same thing. But like the way I explained it is, 0:10:31.760 --> 0:10:33.880 say you get like a text message and it's not 0:10:33.920 --> 0:10:35.960 even a bad one. It could be something like, you know, 0:10:36.240 --> 0:10:38.680 I'm canceling plans tonight and like you were like, and 0:10:38.679 --> 0:10:40.800 then that just fucking ruins you for like an hour, 0:10:40.800 --> 0:10:44.320 like you're upset, but then you make a green light 0:10:44.440 --> 0:10:46.360 and then out of nowhere, you're fucking happy again. You 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:49.760 know what I mean. That's how I explained. It's just 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:52.560 the littlest things make you, like doping levels go up 0:10:52.559 --> 0:10:52.960 and down. 0:10:53.320 --> 0:10:57.200 Yeah, yeah, And that's that's the emotional dysregulation. Right. So 0:10:57.240 --> 0:10:59.680 when we think about that, we think that it means, like, 0:11:00.040 --> 0:11:02.440 you know, it's always about negative emotions, but it can 0:11:02.520 --> 0:11:05.640 happen with the happy emotions too. Is it like when 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:08.400 you feel happy? And this is why when we fall 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:11.439 in love or when you know, we get into relationships, 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:14.080 you feel them so much more intensely and it's like, 0:11:14.120 --> 0:11:17.160 oh my god, they're the ones. It's crazy, and it's 0:11:17.200 --> 0:11:20.439 like you just go through this whirlwind. So it happens 0:11:20.440 --> 0:11:22.880 with the happy emotions. So much as it does with 0:11:23.000 --> 0:11:25.240 the sad and the angry emotions as well. 0:11:25.600 --> 0:11:34.760 Yeah, that you fall in love very aha, that this 0:11:34.840 --> 0:11:36.840 whole interview is just going to be in one big. 0:11:36.720 --> 0:11:39.520 Aha Sarry for you? How is it? 0:11:39.600 --> 0:11:42.840 I mean, if you're in the car and there's a 0:11:42.960 --> 0:11:46.200 road rage incident happening, how do you kind of like, 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:49.800 what's what's your go to plan in those situations? 0:11:49.880 --> 0:11:53.080 It's like I drive. 0:11:53.760 --> 0:11:56.880 Road rage and everything like that, but nothing's really happening. 0:11:57.080 --> 0:11:58.200 Yeah. 0:11:57.320 --> 0:12:02.440 Yeah, I think, as you said, Matt, thosed up and 0:12:02.480 --> 0:12:06.000 down moments, I think really quickly. They really come on 0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:09.160 stronger when you like when it's the time of the 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:12.679 month as well. I think for a lot of females 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:16.040 with ADHD that intensifies it. 0:12:16.320 --> 0:12:19.559 Yeah, not just that there. I go to zero from 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:22.200 zero to one hundred in most days. 0:12:22.360 --> 0:12:23.800 I not a lot more then. 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:28.559 Yeah, yeah for sure, but yeah I usually like this calm. 0:12:28.040 --> 0:12:29.080 Yeah, I calm you down. 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:33.880 Yeah, how explain how just giving you the time? 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:36.200 I think you've got to give them the outlet to 0:12:36.400 --> 0:12:40.560 have that for a little bit, not so quiet. 0:12:40.600 --> 0:12:41.560 Don't do that. Don't do that. 0:12:41.840 --> 0:12:46.160 Yeah, let the explosion happen, and then after that, calm down, yeah. 0:12:45.920 --> 0:12:47.920 Well, I know that I can go from zero to 0:12:47.920 --> 0:12:50.199 one hundred, have an explosion, and within like five to 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:51.559 ten seconds, I'm fine. 0:12:51.440 --> 0:12:52.920 Yeah, yeah, exactly. 0:12:53.480 --> 0:12:57.880 Yeah, I'm just like what was that that. 0:12:57.920 --> 0:13:00.680 So as they're having an argument and going to I 0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:03.200 will kind of go to sleep like there's no issue, 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:05.440 and Barry the next morning we'll wake up and kind 0:13:05.440 --> 0:13:09.160 of like still be a bit like angry, and I'm 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:11.120 just like getting on with my day. I'm like and 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:13.360 then I'm like, what's wrong with you? And he's like, oh, 0:13:13.480 --> 0:13:15.640 you just said a few like mean things last night. 0:13:15.720 --> 0:13:18.960 I'm like, what what are you talking about? Like the 0:13:19.040 --> 0:13:22.080 memory is just gone, Like I'm just so over it, 0:13:22.120 --> 0:13:24.680 like like you said, Matt, like within zero two one hundred, 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:27.800 and then it's like I've forgotten what we're even talking about. 0:13:28.080 --> 0:13:31.000 I think the most important thing in our relationship though, 0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:33.080 and I always get people to ask me this, like 0:13:33.160 --> 0:13:36.480 how how does Barry support you? And I think, honestly, 0:13:36.600 --> 0:13:39.760 it's it's a dance in the sense that like I 0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:42.720 had to educate him, well, I had to first understand 0:13:42.720 --> 0:13:45.800 my own ADHD. Then I had to be able to 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:50.280 educate him about my ADHD. And then it's like then 0:13:50.320 --> 0:13:53.600 we together come up with what works and what doesn't work. 0:13:53.880 --> 0:13:56.440 I think a massive thing is and correct me if 0:13:56.480 --> 0:13:58.240 I'm wrong. If you're in a relationship with someone that 0:13:58.280 --> 0:14:02.320 has ADHD. Personally, I feel like the person that doesn't 0:14:02.360 --> 0:14:05.359 have ADHD has to give a lot more and understand 0:14:05.880 --> 0:14:08.200 the person with it more than the I feel personal. 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:10.960 That's how I feel from my experiences because I'm not 0:14:11.160 --> 0:14:16.040 so the way my brain works isn't as receptive to 0:14:16.280 --> 0:14:18.320 like their stuff, do you know what I mean? And 0:14:18.320 --> 0:14:20.760 I'm sort of fixed in my ways and what I 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:23.800 what I do, and I can't, like it's fucking hard 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:26.000 for me to undo the way I am, do you 0:14:26.040 --> 0:14:27.320 know what I mean? You know what I'm trying to 0:14:27.680 --> 0:14:30.120 I've had this thousand times with my ex, like fucking 0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:32.800 a million times because she just didn't want to like 0:14:33.240 --> 0:14:35.240 listen to like the way I would do things, and 0:14:35.240 --> 0:14:37.240 I'm like, I can't see it from your side. I 0:14:37.320 --> 0:14:38.760 kind of unwire myself. 0:14:39.600 --> 0:14:43.880 Yeah, I think there needs to be like a general openness, 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:46.680 as in like open and open mind is kind of 0:14:46.720 --> 0:14:49.680 like how I explain it, but to kind of touch 0:14:49.720 --> 0:14:52.880 on that point just quickly. So I always say people like, oh, 0:14:52.920 --> 0:14:54.640 you know your partner has to put up with so 0:14:54.760 --> 0:14:56.640 much like this that, And I'm like, at the end 0:14:56.640 --> 0:14:59.480 of the day, every single human being coming into any 0:14:59.560 --> 0:15:05.320 relationship has something, whether it's ADHD, whether it's depression, whether 0:15:05.360 --> 0:15:09.640 it's anxiety, whether it's attachment issues. Like, every single human 0:15:09.680 --> 0:15:11.760 being has something that they're going to have to be 0:15:11.800 --> 0:15:15.760 able to navigate with their significant other. So I think, like, 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:18.760 give yourself a little bit of credit as the ADHD 0:15:18.880 --> 0:15:22.239 partner to not have like not come into a relationship 0:15:22.280 --> 0:15:24.680 and feel like you're such a burden that your partner 0:15:25.000 --> 0:15:29.440 has to understand you and that's so shitty for them, right, Like, yeah, 0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:31.720 it's shitty for Barry, But there's also things that like 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:34.280 I have to navigate with him that he's brought to 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:37.040 the relationship. So I think it's kind of just like 0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:39.280 having that maturity to be able to go, yeah, you've 0:15:39.280 --> 0:15:42.640 got ADHD. I can have that open mindness about it, 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:45.280 but you know you're not You're not bringing something to 0:15:45.320 --> 0:15:46.720 the table that's unmanageable. 0:15:46.800 --> 0:15:47.800 Absolutely, it's different. 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:50.360 Something I say as well, is you know, like it 0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:53.360 does come with all like the annoyance not sorry, that's 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:56.360 the wrong word, Like the difficulties of it trying to 0:15:56.360 --> 0:15:59.160 manage it. But then if you do manage it and 0:15:59.240 --> 0:16:00.760 you learn how to navi gate it, I think it 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:03.240 fucking could be like magical if you get you know 0:16:03.200 --> 0:16:05.560 what I mean, Because there's so many pros that come 0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:08.560 with ADHD. And I would always say that, like, if 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:11.400 you're just learning how to navigate, like the turmoil and 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:14.080 like the negatives, the positives outweigh it, I feel. 0:16:14.240 --> 0:16:16.160 One hundred percent. And that's what I was saying about 0:16:16.200 --> 0:16:18.560 that open having that open mind. And I think that's 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:22.800 something that Barry does and really executes really brilliantly, is 0:16:22.880 --> 0:16:25.320 he has this open mind. And it's like if I, like, 0:16:25.360 --> 0:16:27.200 I kid you not this guy he does this to 0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:29.720 put up with a lot. But like if I decide, 0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:32.120 like we'll be laying bed at eleven o'clock and I'm like, like, 0:16:32.160 --> 0:16:34.280 the other night, we're putting away clothes and I'm like, 0:16:34.320 --> 0:16:36.960 I'm sick of doing this because I hate putting away clothes. 0:16:36.960 --> 0:16:38.880 And the reason I don't want to put away clothes 0:16:38.920 --> 0:16:41.840 is because my wardrobe's too full. So yes, at eleven 0:16:41.960 --> 0:16:44.680 thirty at night, I decided it was the perfect opportunity 0:16:44.840 --> 0:16:47.920 to rip out all of Like I completely like our 0:16:47.960 --> 0:16:50.480 bed was like a mountain. It was eleven o'clock and 0:16:50.520 --> 0:16:52.400 he's like, you know how you said you wanted to 0:16:52.400 --> 0:16:54.400 get to bed earlier and like go for a run 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:56.440 in the morning. I'm like, yeah, that's not happening. We're 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:58.760 doing this and it's just that ability for him to 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:00.840 be able to go, Okay, cool, let's put some music on, 0:17:00.920 --> 0:17:04.560 let's have some fun whatever, like and like you said, mate, 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:07.119 it's just embracing those moments that you know, we do 0:17:07.240 --> 0:17:09.920 get to have that fun time. 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:13.639 I think as the non ADHD person, you choose to 0:17:15.560 --> 0:17:18.560 indulge in it or take part in it, or you 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:21.840 can choose to be angry at the fact that she's 0:17:21.880 --> 0:17:24.679 doing that, and then the outcome is from that. If 0:17:24.720 --> 0:17:27.120 you choose to be angry, she's going to get heightened, 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:29.399 everything's going to blow up, and it's all going to 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:32.840 go to But if you don't you join in. It's 0:17:32.840 --> 0:17:35.400 an amazing moment that you guys kind of like laugh 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:37.320 at Yeah. 0:17:36.720 --> 0:17:39.199 But yeah, like you were saying, you know, your relationship 0:17:39.240 --> 0:17:42.480 can be incredibly amazing when you do have ADHD, Like 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:48.520 we have an incredibly playful fun like spontaneous, like we 0:17:48.560 --> 0:17:51.480 book random trips, away all of a sudden, we're in 0:17:51.520 --> 0:17:53.960 donuts when we're going to the grocery store, like it's 0:17:54.160 --> 0:17:58.600 just fun and just let it happen, like that's that's 0:17:58.760 --> 0:18:00.159 it's just not fighting it. 0:18:00.200 --> 0:18:03.160 I think from meeting you guys for like I don't 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:05.600 know how long this podcast has been going, like ten minutes, 0:18:05.800 --> 0:18:07.960 I can already see that you guys have such a 0:18:08.000 --> 0:18:10.560 fun relationship and you really seem to be like the 0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:11.920 ying to each other's yang. 0:18:11.960 --> 0:18:14.200 It's really nice to say you can fit. 0:18:15.119 --> 0:18:21.920 Yeah, yeah, there has there ever been times where you've 0:18:22.000 --> 0:18:26.040 struggled to navigate or you've come to like a kind 0:18:26.119 --> 0:18:29.640 of stop sign or a speed bump in the road. 0:18:31.359 --> 0:18:32.000 I think the. 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:36.479 Yeah, I mean, look every day there's something like as 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:38.920 much as we have this fun play for relationship, there's 0:18:38.920 --> 0:18:41.760 always something. But I think it's you know, and I 0:18:41.840 --> 0:18:43.920 think I said this to someone the other day. It's 0:18:43.920 --> 0:18:46.400 like it's not about like not having fights, Like it's 0:18:46.440 --> 0:18:49.119 not about not having disagreements. It's just how you like 0:18:49.400 --> 0:18:53.920 ride that way. And I don't know, like you're two individuals. 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:58.560 You can respect each other, you can agree to disagree 0:18:58.880 --> 0:19:02.040 and then make it again will make it fun afterwards, 0:19:02.040 --> 0:19:03.720 like we have this thing that when we are angry 0:19:03.720 --> 0:19:05.439 at each other, it just takes one of us to 0:19:05.560 --> 0:19:09.359 like smile or like laugh at one another, and the 0:19:09.400 --> 0:19:12.040 fight's over us, right, And I think it's like putting 0:19:12.080 --> 0:19:14.720 your ego aside and just being like, Okay, it's you 0:19:14.760 --> 0:19:17.400 two in the relationship. It's not you against me, Like 0:19:17.800 --> 0:19:20.720 I'm not here to prove anything. But yeah, there has 0:19:20.800 --> 0:19:23.440 been a lot of stuff along the along the way, 0:19:23.520 --> 0:19:23.840 there a. 0:19:23.840 --> 0:19:25.480 Few at the beginning of the relationship. 0:19:25.680 --> 0:19:28.879 Yeah, And it's interesting to think about that because at 0:19:28.880 --> 0:19:30.720 the start of our relationship we did have a lot 0:19:30.720 --> 0:19:36.200 of challenges, particularly with that emotional regulation stuff and the 0:19:36.240 --> 0:19:40.320 cycle of like me getting bored and like create craving 0:19:42.800 --> 0:19:47.000 was craving the bad boy back in the day, and 0:19:47.119 --> 0:19:50.359 so Barry at the time was like this really lovely sweet. 0:19:50.359 --> 0:19:52.159 It was giving me everything I needed, and I'm like, 0:19:52.280 --> 0:19:55.400 I'm bored, Like I don't know how to I don't 0:19:55.440 --> 0:19:56.719 know how to manage it, and I didn't know how 0:19:56.720 --> 0:19:58.320 to put words to that. I was just like, look, 0:19:58.359 --> 0:20:01.200 I don't know what's happening. But like I said, the crux, 0:20:01.280 --> 0:20:03.120 the crux of it really is is that I had 0:20:03.160 --> 0:20:05.960 to learn about my ADHD. Yeah, and that gave me 0:20:06.040 --> 0:20:09.320 the words to understand my own patterns, take ownership of 0:20:09.359 --> 0:20:13.760 my own patterns, and basically make a different choice because 0:20:13.760 --> 0:20:16.200 the pattern was the same, like throughout my whole life, 0:20:16.240 --> 0:20:19.080 Like fall in love super super quickly, think that they're 0:20:19.080 --> 0:20:22.679 the one, rush into things, next thing you're on like 0:20:22.680 --> 0:20:25.760 an overseas holiday with this person, and then you're break 0:20:25.760 --> 0:20:27.240 it up when you get home. Like that was the 0:20:28.000 --> 0:20:30.280 cycle that was quite quite constant. 0:20:30.359 --> 0:20:35.360 So are there any misconceptions about ADHD that you want 0:20:35.400 --> 0:20:41.560 to address or clear up? I think there's a lot, 0:20:40.800 --> 0:20:43.600 don't It's not that kid. 0:20:43.640 --> 0:20:45.919 I always say, it's not that kid in the corner who, 0:20:46.000 --> 0:20:48.439 like you know, has outbursts and punches hole in the 0:20:48.440 --> 0:20:51.520 wall of the classroom. That's not what ADHD is. There's 0:20:51.520 --> 0:20:52.680 a lot more to it than that. 0:20:53.080 --> 0:20:54.960 Yeah, it is. It's definitely more than just that. And 0:20:55.000 --> 0:20:59.760 I think that misconception in particular came from so back 0:20:59.800 --> 0:21:01.600 in the I don't know if you guys remember, but 0:21:01.720 --> 0:21:07.680 remember how everyone kind of knew it as add or ADHD. Yes, Yeah, 0:21:07.760 --> 0:21:11.480 so everyone a lot of people kind of thought ADHD 0:21:11.880 --> 0:21:14.439 was that kid in the corner, you know, that was 0:21:14.480 --> 0:21:18.600 that stock standard what ADHD was. They kind of discovered 0:21:18.640 --> 0:21:22.600 as time went on that ADHD. Actually there's three types 0:21:22.640 --> 0:21:25.359 of ADHD as we know it today. So there's the 0:21:25.440 --> 0:21:29.760 hyperactivity impulsive type, which is that little boy in the 0:21:29.760 --> 0:21:33.480 corner that can't sit still, that presents differently once you 0:21:33.520 --> 0:21:37.960 grow up, though. And then there's the inattentive type, which 0:21:38.000 --> 0:21:41.600 is usually what girls are diagnosed with, and that's more internal, 0:21:42.000 --> 0:21:45.359 so it's the forgetfulness, it's the day dreaming, it's like 0:21:45.600 --> 0:21:48.720 the distracted thoughts, all of those kinds of things. And 0:21:48.760 --> 0:21:52.080 then there's the combined type. So it was actually why 0:21:52.720 --> 0:21:55.720 a lot of girls went misdiagnosed for such a long 0:21:55.760 --> 0:21:59.399 time because we all had this idea, even myself, like 0:21:59.440 --> 0:22:02.760 I knew I diagnosed with ADHD or I had it, 0:22:03.080 --> 0:22:05.840 but I never resonated with the little boys in my 0:22:05.880 --> 0:22:09.400 class that had ADHD. I didn't like. I was like, well, 0:22:09.440 --> 0:22:11.720 I'm not like them, like it's different. I'm just like 0:22:12.080 --> 0:22:15.160 off with the fairies kind of thing. So it presented 0:22:15.200 --> 0:22:17.679 really differently. But I think that's a massive misconception, and 0:22:17.720 --> 0:22:20.320 that's actually why a lot of women now in particular 0:22:20.440 --> 0:22:23.480 are are getting diagnosed and even even men as well. 0:22:23.600 --> 0:22:24.680 So yeah, so. 0:22:24.680 --> 0:22:27.840 Would you say ADHD even although there's those kind of 0:22:27.920 --> 0:22:32.080 like three main groups, is like a spectrum, like everyone 0:22:32.280 --> 0:22:33.920 kind of shows up differently. 0:22:34.600 --> 0:22:37.000 Yeah. Look, I think the easiest way to explain this 0:22:37.160 --> 0:22:41.200 is like when you think of the word hyperactivity, hyperactivity, 0:22:41.240 --> 0:22:42.680 like you said, it's that little boy in the side 0:22:42.680 --> 0:22:46.960 of classroom. Hyperactivity can also be biting your nails. Hyperactivity 0:22:47.040 --> 0:22:49.879 can also be you know, picking, like I'm playing with 0:22:49.880 --> 0:22:52.399 a scrunchy right now because I'm trying to put my 0:22:52.560 --> 0:22:59.280 energy somewhere else. Hyperactivity can present in your mind. Hyperactivity 0:22:59.359 --> 0:23:01.360 can present and as you know, when you come home 0:23:01.400 --> 0:23:03.480 from work you've got to go straight to the gym, 0:23:03.560 --> 0:23:05.320 or when you come home from the gym, you've got 0:23:05.320 --> 0:23:09.040 to get straight into cooking. It's like there's no actual stop. 0:23:09.480 --> 0:23:14.120 And so when we see the word hyperactivity is a symptom, right, 0:23:14.640 --> 0:23:16.240 we think, oh, yeah, so it's the little kid that 0:23:16.280 --> 0:23:19.320 can't sit still. Well, No, hyperactivity presents so differently. So 0:23:19.400 --> 0:23:21.080 that's what you're kind of saying in the sense that, 0:23:21.160 --> 0:23:23.600 like it's such a broad spectrum. So when you look 0:23:23.640 --> 0:23:28.320 at inattentiveness or distractions or hyperactivity, all of those look 0:23:28.440 --> 0:23:29.880 different for each person. 0:23:30.000 --> 0:23:32.439 My roommates used to say that I was like the 0:23:32.440 --> 0:23:36.320 definition of how do they word it? Always making moves 0:23:36.359 --> 0:23:42.360 but doing nothing, Like it feels like I'm not doing much, 0:23:42.400 --> 0:23:45.240 but like I'm always like doing stuff, do you know 0:23:45.280 --> 0:23:48.360 what I mean? Like I couldn't just like sit there, 0:23:48.440 --> 0:23:51.679 like I always had to be doing something. Yeah, it's 0:23:51.720 --> 0:23:53.080 this pyperactivity version. 0:23:53.359 --> 0:23:58.960 So when Matt got diagnosed with ADHD on our podcast, 0:23:59.119 --> 0:24:03.080 he actually said to me, I think you might have ADHD, Anna, 0:24:03.240 --> 0:24:06.280 And then from there some of our listeners were like, yeah, 0:24:06.280 --> 0:24:07.960 I didn't want to say anything, but I think you 0:24:08.040 --> 0:24:10.760 have it too. And I was like, oh, okay, Like 0:24:11.000 --> 0:24:13.920 I don't know where to go from here, because I genuinely, 0:24:14.040 --> 0:24:16.480 until Matt just got diagnosed, I. 0:24:16.240 --> 0:24:17.440 Didn't know any symptoms. 0:24:17.440 --> 0:24:18.440 I'd never looked it up. 0:24:18.480 --> 0:24:20.240 It literally was not. 0:24:20.320 --> 0:24:23.240 On my radar at all. Yeah, and I don't know 0:24:23.280 --> 0:24:25.480 if I have ADHD. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. 0:24:25.800 --> 0:24:28.280 But I guess my question is what advice do you 0:24:28.359 --> 0:24:32.680 have for people who believe that they potentially could have ADHD. 0:24:34.440 --> 0:24:37.360 I think my advice would definitely be do the research, 0:24:37.440 --> 0:24:40.840 but not just textbook research. Like, and I know that 0:24:40.920 --> 0:24:43.639 there's kind of like controversy around the sense of like 0:24:44.640 --> 0:24:48.199 obviously don't go watch one TikTok and diagnose yourself with ADHD. 0:24:48.520 --> 0:24:52.000 But also we've got this opportunity now where we live 0:24:52.040 --> 0:24:54.200 in you know, the age of videos, and we're actually 0:24:54.280 --> 0:24:56.720 able to see it play out in real life for 0:24:56.760 --> 0:24:59.200 a lot of people. So you know, go and watch 0:24:59.359 --> 0:25:02.280 you know, add tiktop is, see if you resonate with it. 0:25:02.640 --> 0:25:04.680 And then what I would then say is then go 0:25:04.760 --> 0:25:07.880 and have a look at the more I guess credible 0:25:07.960 --> 0:25:12.160 sources and really line it up and go, Okay, does 0:25:12.200 --> 0:25:14.720 this you know, does this align with what I'm experiencing. 0:25:14.760 --> 0:25:18.040 And like I said, with the hyperactivity, you know, don't 0:25:18.080 --> 0:25:20.399 just see it as black and white being like okay, 0:25:20.440 --> 0:25:22.320 well I don't run around or I can sit down 0:25:22.359 --> 0:25:24.840 on an aeroplane. I don't have hyperactivity. Look at the 0:25:24.880 --> 0:25:27.080 patterns in your life, you know, look at or the 0:25:27.119 --> 0:25:32.200 impulsivity for example. You know, impulsivity isn't just shopping issues. 0:25:32.240 --> 0:25:34.640 You know, it isn't just overspending issues. It can be 0:25:35.000 --> 0:25:37.879 you know, being in a relationship and you know, constantly 0:25:37.920 --> 0:25:41.440 interrupting or not being able to you know, I guess, 0:25:41.560 --> 0:25:43.399 let the other person say what they want to say, 0:25:43.600 --> 0:25:46.360 or you know, even if you do have that patience, 0:25:46.400 --> 0:25:48.720 it's having the thought in your head constantly trying to 0:25:48.720 --> 0:25:52.560 stop yourself from interrupting them. So I think, just look 0:25:52.560 --> 0:25:56.640 at the patterns and those kinds of I guess symptoms 0:25:56.720 --> 0:25:59.879 and how they might be presenting for you, and then 0:25:59.920 --> 0:26:03.240 I just say, you know, make a make a list 0:26:03.320 --> 0:26:06.720 of them, like your daily life, how does it show up, 0:26:07.080 --> 0:26:09.280 and then just try and see those patterns for yourself 0:26:09.320 --> 0:26:11.600 and then book in to a GP sooner than later, 0:26:11.600 --> 0:26:12.840 because there's a long list. 0:26:14.080 --> 0:26:16.640 List, isn't there. I do. I am that I do 0:26:16.720 --> 0:26:19.680 hate people that are saying, like when I got diagnosed, 0:26:19.680 --> 0:26:21.800 people around me were like, oh you as well, you've 0:26:21.840 --> 0:26:24.640 got to jumping on the BAM bandwagon all this sort 0:26:24.680 --> 0:26:26.960 of stuff, and I'm like, well no, I think that 0:26:27.000 --> 0:26:29.280 there's such an awareness now because of TikTok. Like I said, 0:26:29.320 --> 0:26:31.720 TikTok was the reason why I did. I saw a 0:26:31.720 --> 0:26:34.720 TikTok and literally the opening line was do you drink 0:26:34.760 --> 0:26:37.720 too much coffee? You you would you might have ADHD 0:26:37.760 --> 0:26:41.919 And I was like, well, fuck, all right, I've got yeah. Yeah. 0:26:41.960 --> 0:26:43.560 So I was just like I was like, all right, 0:26:43.600 --> 0:26:45.040 I'll have a watch of this, and then I watched 0:26:45.040 --> 0:26:47.199 it and then like you know, Flick went to his 0:26:47.280 --> 0:26:49.440 profile and watched a couple more, and slowly my algorithm 0:26:49.520 --> 0:26:53.200 started becoming like you know ADHD stuff, and I was like, fuck, 0:26:53.280 --> 0:26:56.280 I'm taking a lot of these boxes, you know, really 0:26:56.320 --> 0:26:59.399 me Another half moment I had was and this was 0:26:59.440 --> 0:27:03.040 even before or I like even thought about ADHD was. 0:27:03.520 --> 0:27:06.400 I used to explain to my ex that I would 0:27:06.440 --> 0:27:08.480 say an orange. I would say, so, like you see 0:27:08.520 --> 0:27:11.480 an orange, you see an orange. I was like, if 0:27:11.480 --> 0:27:13.639 I see that orange, I'm going through my head. I'm like, 0:27:13.920 --> 0:27:16.040 how orange is that orange? If I juice it, how 0:27:16.119 --> 0:27:17.560 much juice will come out of it? If we will there 0:27:17.640 --> 0:27:20.320 be pulp? Why do they charge extra for oranges with pulp? 0:27:20.440 --> 0:27:21.840 Like you know, orange juice with pulp? 0:27:21.960 --> 0:27:23.680 And then you're thinking about apples. 0:27:23.320 --> 0:27:25.440 Yeah, and then you go and then you go something else, 0:27:25.480 --> 0:27:27.720 and I was just like I and I saw you 0:27:27.720 --> 0:27:29.760 have like a one D mind. Mine is like four 0:27:29.840 --> 0:27:31.960 D and like you take it as an insult, but 0:27:31.960 --> 0:27:32.960 I didn't see it as an insult. 0:27:32.960 --> 0:27:35.240 It was like, I mean that sounds like an insult, no, 0:27:35.280 --> 0:27:37.760 but it's like one dye. 0:27:38.640 --> 0:27:40.399 I actually was like I'm sort of jealous in a 0:27:40.440 --> 0:27:42.040 way because like this is before I knew and I 0:27:42.119 --> 0:27:43.720 knew how to know it. I was like, I can't 0:27:43.760 --> 0:27:45.680 just see it for like what it is, like I'm 0:27:46.440 --> 0:27:49.399 over like thinking about it. And then like so that 0:27:49.440 --> 0:27:51.840 became like something that I had an a half moment. 0:27:51.880 --> 0:27:52.840 I don't know if you're the same. 0:27:53.840 --> 0:27:57.040 Yeah, no, I definitely experienced that. Yeah, definitely. We have 0:27:57.119 --> 0:27:59.120 those conversations quite a lot. 0:27:59.119 --> 0:28:01.520 I think I'm like, just we'll just do this today, 0:28:01.640 --> 0:28:03.280 Like no, I've got this one, that one, this that 0:28:03.400 --> 0:28:04.800 leads to that that that's for that. 0:28:05.680 --> 0:28:09.120 Yeah, it's actually it's something that comes It's something that's 0:28:09.160 --> 0:28:13.159 come up a lot as like a business owner, because 0:28:13.240 --> 0:28:15.040 everyone's like it's it's black and white. 0:28:15.160 --> 0:28:17.960 Just it's not. 0:28:18.080 --> 0:28:20.720 I can't just do that. I have to understand because 0:28:20.720 --> 0:28:22.199 I have to do that. I have to talk to 0:28:22.200 --> 0:28:24.679 that person. I don't have that skill. And it's like 0:28:24.800 --> 0:28:26.720 I end up with a list of twenty things and 0:28:26.760 --> 0:28:28.960 people like why are you overcomplicating it? And I'm like 0:28:29.440 --> 0:28:31.159 I'm not, this is what I have to do to 0:28:31.200 --> 0:28:33.320 get that done. And then they're like, no, you just 0:28:33.320 --> 0:28:39.479 write an email and I'm like no, it's not that easy. 0:28:39.560 --> 0:28:42.200 And that's like, that's like my saying it's not that easy, 0:28:42.240 --> 0:28:43.160 and they're like it is. 0:28:43.320 --> 0:28:46.280 I'm like, I remember one when I was like, we're 0:28:46.280 --> 0:28:48.080 putting we're going for a walk, like, let's go for 0:28:48.080 --> 0:28:50.959 a walk, and she put crocs on and I was like, oh, 0:28:51.000 --> 0:28:53.239 you're wearing crocs and she's like yeah, And then we 0:28:53.240 --> 0:28:54.640 got into this little thing and I was like no. 0:28:54.720 --> 0:28:56.320 But then in my mind, I'm like, if we're wearing crocs, 0:28:56.320 --> 0:28:58.120 it's not an athletical walk. It's just like a walk 0:28:58.120 --> 0:29:00.240 to the content. What am I wearing? Am I wearing 0:29:00.280 --> 0:29:02.160 the wrong glores? I wearn't you know? And I've gone 0:29:02.240 --> 0:29:05.400 like into this full spiral of thoughts when she's just like, 0:29:05.480 --> 0:29:07.320 chill the fuck out, We're going to go get a coffee, 0:29:07.440 --> 0:29:09.200 and I'm like, no, we're not, like what should I wear? 0:29:09.200 --> 0:29:09.440 You know what? 0:29:09.440 --> 0:29:11.840 I'm going on this fool like yeah, I was yah. 0:29:12.880 --> 0:29:14.600 I use that as an example of that sort of 0:29:14.640 --> 0:29:15.720 thing where it's not. 0:29:16.880 --> 0:29:22.040 Shoes on your best piece of advice in having an 0:29:22.080 --> 0:29:23.400 ADHD partner. 0:29:24.920 --> 0:29:27.520 There's a lot of advice, but the one I really 0:29:27.600 --> 0:29:29.920 kind of have told friends that have come to me 0:29:29.960 --> 0:29:32.360 and said they've got a partner with ADHD is just 0:29:33.240 --> 0:29:39.080 not a judge if they're doing something, if they're saying something, 0:29:39.440 --> 0:29:42.520 kind of being intrigued by it and asking them more 0:29:42.560 --> 0:29:46.480 about it, because then, as as Mattis said, he will 0:29:46.480 --> 0:29:50.440 tell that person that ten step process that he's actually 0:29:50.520 --> 0:29:53.000 going through for what he's actually thinking about. If you're 0:29:53.000 --> 0:29:54.840 not interested in it and you're just like we're just 0:29:54.880 --> 0:29:57.720 going for a walk, they're going to be like they're. 0:29:57.520 --> 0:29:59.120 Going to. 0:30:00.120 --> 0:30:01.000 About the crops. 0:30:01.560 --> 0:30:03.720 But yeah, I think as soon as you're interested about 0:30:03.960 --> 0:30:09.320 something that your partner with ADHD is interested in, it 0:30:09.480 --> 0:30:13.160 opens a lane of communication that you wouldn't have otherwise. Yeah, 0:30:13.240 --> 0:30:16.440 and then the miscommunication doesn't actually happen. 0:30:16.880 --> 0:30:19.440 Yeah, I think you just accept me. Like I feel 0:30:19.440 --> 0:30:22.479 like that's just the biggest thing. And it's kind of 0:30:22.520 --> 0:30:25.120 like it's like what we were talking about before with the 0:30:25.160 --> 0:30:27.520 emotional dysregulation and all the things. Like I think the 0:30:27.560 --> 0:30:30.920 biggest thing in an ADHD relationship is it has to 0:30:30.960 --> 0:30:33.880 feel safe, Like I have to be able to feel safe. 0:30:33.920 --> 0:30:37.200 I shouldn't have the mask around my partner, Like that's 0:30:37.400 --> 0:30:39.719 I have the mask and every other facet of life. 0:30:40.000 --> 0:30:42.400 And it's kind of like coming home and it's actually 0:30:42.480 --> 0:30:44.920 it's not something I still as an adult, I feel 0:30:44.960 --> 0:30:47.160 this shame around it. But I may be having a 0:30:47.160 --> 0:30:49.520 meltdown and a tantrum like a kid. You not, I'm 0:30:49.520 --> 0:30:51.200 actually going to tell you this story. We went to 0:30:51.400 --> 0:30:54.640 lunch the other day and I ordered a steak and 0:30:54.680 --> 0:30:57.600 I was so excited for this staate, like. 0:30:57.680 --> 0:31:03.400 I it's like past. She's like, I know this story. 0:31:03.640 --> 0:31:09.720 Yeah, that's right. I'd ordered this steak and I wanted 0:31:09.720 --> 0:31:12.120 it to be I think it was like medium cooked 0:31:12.200 --> 0:31:15.239 or whatever. And it came out and we'd waited like 0:31:15.280 --> 0:31:17.800 forty five minutes, so I hit the hangary stage as well, 0:31:17.880 --> 0:31:21.480 so my emotional dysregulation was already kicking in. And she 0:31:21.560 --> 0:31:23.280 hands me the steak and it was like I go 0:31:23.400 --> 0:31:25.800 to cut into it, and it was like it was 0:31:25.840 --> 0:31:31.720 too tall, like it was overcooked. And I was like, 0:31:31.720 --> 0:31:34.040 like there was so much dopamine attached to having a 0:31:34.040 --> 0:31:36.200 good steak that I was just like, I'm not going 0:31:36.280 --> 0:31:38.000 to get like I didn't say this in my head, 0:31:38.040 --> 0:31:41.120 but my brain was like there's no dopamine. Now everything sucks. 0:31:41.240 --> 0:31:43.959 Oh my god. And then I just started like tearing up. 0:31:44.280 --> 0:31:47.880 It's so dramatic to think about it, but I was like, bro, 0:31:47.960 --> 0:31:50.880 it's like it's okay, and I'm like, don't touch me. 0:31:54.280 --> 0:31:56.959 But like as a partner, like it's nice to know 0:31:57.160 --> 0:31:59.640 that I don't have to feel embarrassed about that. Like 0:31:59.720 --> 0:32:03.280 he he's not like Otara, what the hell? Like why 0:32:03.320 --> 0:32:05.760 are you crying? It's a steak, Like it's embarrassing, Like 0:32:06.120 --> 0:32:09.200 he's not putting that shame onto me. He's genuinely just 0:32:09.280 --> 0:32:12.320 like it's okay, Like, hey, what do you say. We're like, 0:32:12.360 --> 0:32:15.120 we'll get your cheeseburger on the way home, Like, don't stress. 0:32:15.360 --> 0:32:19.360 It's just nice. Like that's that's the acceptance that I'm 0:32:19.400 --> 0:32:21.040 talking about that he does really well. 0:32:22.680 --> 0:32:25.240 Yeah, yeah, I have one quite similar to that that, 0:32:25.320 --> 0:32:27.400 Like it was like, what do you call like a 0:32:27.480 --> 0:32:31.040 renowned relationship thing with my ex? And it comes down 0:32:31.080 --> 0:32:34.080 to Barry like understanding that situation. She didn't get it. 0:32:34.120 --> 0:32:38.600 Then all week I wanted this burger from Hungry Jacks 0:32:39.200 --> 0:32:42.040 like sorely ads constantly on TV. Saw it Mike and 0:32:42.280 --> 0:32:44.600 I was driving and I was like, that's what I want, 0:32:44.600 --> 0:32:47.080 and like you said, doping was like attached to it. Yeah, 0:32:47.840 --> 0:32:50.120 So we go get the burgers, we come back to 0:32:50.200 --> 0:32:52.320 our house and they've given me the wrong burger. 0:32:52.800 --> 0:32:54.560 Oh my god. 0:32:54.880 --> 0:32:57.480 I fucking lost it, like I lot and I was 0:32:57.520 --> 0:32:59.480 like and then she was like, she was like just 0:32:59.560 --> 0:33:02.040 eat this like it's this, this just doesn't have it 0:33:02.120 --> 0:33:03.560 was like nearly the same, and I was like, no, 0:33:03.600 --> 0:33:06.040 you don't understand. I started like telling it like I've 0:33:06.040 --> 0:33:07.920 been waiting all week from this. This is my cheap meal. 0:33:07.920 --> 0:33:09.440 I'm going to fucking kill myself if I eat a 0:33:09.440 --> 0:33:11.120 burger that I don't want to eat, Like it's I 0:33:11.160 --> 0:33:13.239 need to go for a run. I like lost it 0:33:13.240 --> 0:33:15.040 to the point where and then she was like, well, go, 0:33:15.280 --> 0:33:16.760 it's around the corner. And I want you to come 0:33:16.760 --> 0:33:20.600 with me. I want to go through the whole thing. Yeah, 0:33:20.640 --> 0:33:21.920 I want you to come with me. I want you 0:33:21.960 --> 0:33:23.560 to go through the drive through with me. I want 0:33:23.560 --> 0:33:25.480 to do the whole thing again and make it right. 0:33:25.960 --> 0:33:27.880 And she couldn't understand why I wanted to do that, 0:33:27.920 --> 0:33:30.200 and like I was going like I was really mad, 0:33:30.400 --> 0:33:32.120 like just and not at her at the situation, and 0:33:32.160 --> 0:33:35.920 she couldn't comprehend the difference of what it was like Yeah, 0:33:35.960 --> 0:33:38.480 like I was threatening to call people like I was, 0:33:39.000 --> 0:33:42.080 I was in real thing back like I was having 0:33:42.080 --> 0:33:43.040 a full break. 0:33:45.440 --> 0:33:48.880 Like gyg I've done that with good There's like a 0:33:48.920 --> 0:33:50.880 specific sauce that Tyler likes. 0:33:51.040 --> 0:33:52.600 Because we're going to go sit at the park and 0:33:52.600 --> 0:33:52.960 eat goose. 0:33:53.000 --> 0:33:56.640 Then that time, this is multiple times, twenty minutes to 0:33:56.720 --> 0:33:57.200 go get. 0:33:57.080 --> 0:34:00.360 That sauce because you have in your head and then 0:34:00.400 --> 0:34:02.640 you want it to be that way. I want to 0:34:02.640 --> 0:34:04.960 go through the drive through, come through, sit down and 0:34:05.000 --> 0:34:06.760 eat together. And it wasn't gonna happen. She's like, I'll 0:34:06.760 --> 0:34:08.120 stay here and eat im Like, no, I want you 0:34:08.120 --> 0:34:09.600 to come with me and I want to eat together 0:34:09.640 --> 0:34:10.359 at the same time. 0:34:11.000 --> 0:34:12.600 Yeah, yeah, that's really cool. 0:34:14.160 --> 0:34:18.080 The dope means not just attached to the food. It's 0:34:18.120 --> 0:34:21.160 the experience that it's like the whole It's like the 0:34:21.239 --> 0:34:23.239 whole picture that you get the dope mean from. Like 0:34:23.280 --> 0:34:25.959 with the steak. The reason I wasn't upset wasn't even 0:34:25.960 --> 0:34:27.759 half the thing to do with the steak. It was 0:34:27.800 --> 0:34:30.920 the fact that like everyone was eating. It was like 0:34:31.040 --> 0:34:33.080 we're meant to always sharing a meal, like with my 0:34:33.160 --> 0:34:35.200 family and like all this stuff, and it was just 0:34:35.239 --> 0:34:36.719 like I didn't want to have to ask the way 0:34:36.840 --> 0:34:38.879 to come over and make her feel bad and cause 0:34:38.880 --> 0:34:42.120 the whole situation anyway. So I fully get that. I 0:34:42.160 --> 0:34:44.879 fully get that that's so funny as a. 0:34:44.920 --> 0:34:49.920 Non ADHD person, Let's just say Matt's example, what, like, 0:34:50.040 --> 0:34:52.399 I guess, what's the best way to kind of like 0:34:52.800 --> 0:34:55.359 bring peace and harmony back to the situation or do 0:34:55.400 --> 0:34:58.720 you just ride the wave? What's like the best piece 0:34:58.760 --> 0:34:59.360 of advice? 0:35:00.120 --> 0:35:00.720 Ride the wave? 0:35:00.960 --> 0:35:03.000 Yeah, ride the wave and go with them and getting 0:35:03.000 --> 0:35:05.520 another burger, because, to be honest, is what they're just 0:35:05.560 --> 0:35:06.240 around the corner. 0:35:06.480 --> 0:35:08.400 Don't even in the sense that it's like, oh, how 0:35:08.440 --> 0:35:10.200 do we avoid a meltdown? Because then it makes you 0:35:10.239 --> 0:35:12.120 feel like a child as a partner, do you know 0:35:12.200 --> 0:35:14.680 what I mean? Like Barry and I we navigate this 0:35:14.760 --> 0:35:16.440 really well in the sense that it's like it's not 0:35:16.520 --> 0:35:20.440 a parent child dynamic, and that can be a trap 0:35:20.480 --> 0:35:22.520 that a lot of people with ADHD fall into in 0:35:22.560 --> 0:35:25.880 their relationships, where like the one partner feels like a parent, 0:35:26.080 --> 0:35:28.879 but then when you're a child or like you're in 0:35:28.920 --> 0:35:32.120 that thing, you feel like you're it's not a nice 0:35:32.160 --> 0:35:34.239 feeling as an adult to feel like a child, right, 0:35:34.520 --> 0:35:37.200 So don't coddle them, like, don't be like, oh, it's okay, 0:35:37.360 --> 0:35:39.680 Like it's all right, Like, don't treat us like a child. 0:35:40.320 --> 0:35:43.319 Just make it like a fun kind of like thing, 0:35:43.440 --> 0:35:45.720 Like just don't make it a big deal. Ride the wave. 0:35:45.920 --> 0:35:48.279 Really is it the worst case scenario turning around and 0:35:49.239 --> 0:35:52.080 eating it again. But I will say there is still 0:35:52.160 --> 0:35:55.560 onus or a sense of responsibility as the ADHD person. 0:35:55.640 --> 0:35:56.040 I agree. 0:35:56.600 --> 0:35:59.640 It's not like I just get to go I'm a maniac. 0:35:59.840 --> 0:36:02.040 I lose my shit. You just have to copy it, 0:36:02.120 --> 0:36:04.799 Like that's not cool either. There is the point at which, 0:36:04.920 --> 0:36:08.040 like I do think, if you've got ADHD, you've got 0:36:08.040 --> 0:36:12.120 this condition, it is your responsibility to build that awareness 0:36:12.239 --> 0:36:17.120 and education around yourself. Build the strategies, listen to podcasts, 0:36:17.120 --> 0:36:19.719 whatever it is you need to be able to educate yourself. 0:36:20.160 --> 0:36:23.399 Like I've learned to emotionally regulate, and I know that 0:36:23.520 --> 0:36:25.600 when the State thing happened, I needed to just go 0:36:25.680 --> 0:36:30.720 to the bathroom for ten minutes to just calm myself down. 0:36:30.920 --> 0:36:33.520 And I sat there and I was like, I'm regulated. 0:36:33.600 --> 0:36:36.279 I came back and I was sweet. But like, it's 0:36:36.360 --> 0:36:37.719 my responsibility as well. 0:36:37.760 --> 0:36:40.360 It's not just when I had that burger episode, I 0:36:40.360 --> 0:36:42.840 didn't know I had ADHD at that point. Neither of 0:36:42.920 --> 0:36:46.160 us knew what the fuck is going on. It's like 0:36:46.560 --> 0:36:48.880 something's not right, you know what I mean, A fully 0:36:48.880 --> 0:36:51.040 grown man at twenty seven should not be wigging out 0:36:51.080 --> 0:36:53.600 over a burger, I mean in my life. 0:36:53.640 --> 0:36:55.880 And I think that's such a like it's so good 0:36:55.960 --> 0:36:59.239 that there's so much awareness around ADHD now, because I 0:36:59.400 --> 0:37:02.200 can imagine that if you have ADHD and you're going 0:37:02.239 --> 0:37:05.160 through this scenario, there would be a point where you're like, 0:37:05.239 --> 0:37:09.320 this is probably my ADHD, and then you can be like, Okay, 0:37:09.440 --> 0:37:11.719 I'm going to try to like self regulate all that. 0:37:11.800 --> 0:37:14.480 It was just like, oh, like it would be shaken 0:37:14.480 --> 0:37:16.440 off as Matt's just a bit different, you know, and 0:37:16.520 --> 0:37:19.680 or that's just happening. Yeah, like it wasn't really, but. 0:37:19.719 --> 0:37:23.000 Like, yeah, there's shame about it. There's a sense of shame, 0:37:23.040 --> 0:37:24.880 whereas when and I think that's the power of a 0:37:24.960 --> 0:37:28.360 diagnosis and a self diagnosis in the sense it's like 0:37:28.520 --> 0:37:31.520 you actually get to say, oh, that's my that's the 0:37:31.880 --> 0:37:34.480 you know, my brain needing dopamine or you know, that's 0:37:34.520 --> 0:37:38.560 that's the emotional dysregulation happening, that's the rejection sensitivity happening. 0:37:38.600 --> 0:37:40.560 Like you can put names to it. And I think 0:37:40.560 --> 0:37:42.480 when you can put a name to something, it can 0:37:42.680 --> 0:37:44.799 you can decide what you do with like it gives 0:37:44.840 --> 0:37:47.399 it power and you can decide whether you let it 0:37:47.560 --> 0:37:50.000 rule you in a sense or you take control of 0:37:50.040 --> 0:37:50.840 it in that moment. 0:37:51.080 --> 0:37:52.920 Yeah, and I think I think two is the person 0:37:52.960 --> 0:37:55.000 without without ADHD. 0:37:55.719 --> 0:37:56.560 If you're looking. 0:37:56.880 --> 0:37:59.319 Forward to a stake or a burger or something for 0:37:59.360 --> 0:38:02.040 a week, you're also going to such a different point 0:38:02.680 --> 0:38:03.840 if you don't get the right. 0:38:03.680 --> 0:38:05.200 One or it's not as good. 0:38:05.480 --> 0:38:06.920 Yeah, and I think you. 0:38:10.040 --> 0:38:10.799 Can notice that. 0:38:11.000 --> 0:38:15.640 Yeah, And I could see why my partner emphathize with 0:38:15.680 --> 0:38:18.680 them and go okay, I can see with the justsregulation 0:38:18.920 --> 0:38:20.040 why you would be at that point. 0:38:21.600 --> 0:38:23.719 There's nothing else than getting a bad meal at a 0:38:23.760 --> 0:38:26.919 restaurant when you're playing, Like the prices in Melbourne, they're 0:38:27.000 --> 0:38:31.200 like a meal at this point, Like it's crazy. 0:38:31.800 --> 0:38:35.120 Stay thirty six, maybe forty, don't get we. 0:38:35.120 --> 0:38:40.120 Started on that. We won't do it. I get you 0:38:40.239 --> 0:38:40.520 with that. 0:38:43.560 --> 0:38:49.200 Can you guys talk us through toxic eighty HD dating cycles? 0:38:49.520 --> 0:38:50.440 Is that what it's called? 0:38:51.040 --> 0:38:55.719 Yes? Yes, I I don't even know where that like 0:38:55.880 --> 0:38:58.480 title came from. I just like I made a video 0:38:58.600 --> 0:39:00.680 like probably a year or two ago about it, and 0:39:00.760 --> 0:39:04.279 then it seemed to stick within the community. I called 0:39:04.320 --> 0:39:06.640 it the I call it the toxic ADHD like love 0:39:06.680 --> 0:39:08.799 cycle or whatever you want to call it. So I've 0:39:08.840 --> 0:39:10.960 actually written it down because I didn't want to give 0:39:10.960 --> 0:39:12.920 the order rolls and I do it. I was gonna 0:39:12.960 --> 0:39:14.399 and I felt like it was going to come up. 0:39:14.480 --> 0:39:16.880 So it was kind of what we've been talking about 0:39:17.280 --> 0:39:21.120 as like throughout this episode. But the first step. I 0:39:21.160 --> 0:39:23.640 always say that it's like six stages that we kind 0:39:23.640 --> 0:39:26.080 of go through, and it's like, the first step is 0:39:26.160 --> 0:39:29.480 we fall hard and fast, so the dopamines up there, 0:39:29.640 --> 0:39:33.440 serotonin's up there, We're just like, oh my god. Then 0:39:33.680 --> 0:39:38.239 we go through the hyperfixation slash like obsession stage, and 0:39:38.280 --> 0:39:41.880 this is where it's like, you know, and it can 0:39:41.880 --> 0:39:43.680 get a little toxic. And this is where the toxic 0:39:43.719 --> 0:39:46.840 start like comes into it. You can get that jealousy, 0:39:46.960 --> 0:39:50.960 you can get those really intense insecurities because you're so 0:39:51.120 --> 0:39:56.400 hyper fixated on that other, that new person, right. You 0:39:56.440 --> 0:39:59.920 can also in that stage really lose yourself. So I 0:40:00.000 --> 0:40:02.640 I don't know about you, Matt, but like there's been 0:40:02.680 --> 0:40:05.160 times where I'm not I don't play soccer, and I 0:40:05.239 --> 0:40:07.440 might have met someone that likes soccer and I'm like, 0:40:07.560 --> 0:40:10.560 I like soccer out and I'm like out buying boots 0:40:10.600 --> 0:40:14.360 next week, joining like a soccer club, Like so strange, 0:40:14.719 --> 0:40:15.960 but like, do you know what I mean? Like you 0:40:16.080 --> 0:40:19.000 just lose yourself in that person's interest that it's like 0:40:19.120 --> 0:40:22.520 you just ditch all your own kind of thing. Then 0:40:22.760 --> 0:40:25.680 the next stage is you, a lot of the time 0:40:25.719 --> 0:40:29.360 become convinced that they are the one. So that's where 0:40:29.400 --> 0:40:31.960 like a lot of people with ADHD actually end up 0:40:31.960 --> 0:40:37.160 finding themselves in really toxic relationships or dating narcissists because 0:40:37.160 --> 0:40:41.160 you'd miss the red flags when you instantly fall for them. 0:40:41.480 --> 0:40:44.000 The love's there, you know, you've already attached to them, 0:40:44.040 --> 0:40:46.440 you've already connected to them, You've gone through the hyper 0:40:46.440 --> 0:40:50.520 focus and obsession stage, which means your lives are like 0:40:50.600 --> 0:40:53.839 glued together. And then now you're convinced they're the one, 0:40:54.040 --> 0:41:00.400 right irregardless of anything else, everyone in your life, everyone 0:41:00.400 --> 0:41:09.320 in your life being like oh no to yourself, yeah, anyway, 0:41:09.360 --> 0:41:12.440 that's a story for another day. And then once you 0:41:12.480 --> 0:41:14.080 can inserer the one or you're like, oh my god, 0:41:14.080 --> 0:41:16.279 this is my person, you rush into things. Right, So 0:41:16.320 --> 0:41:18.640 you guys, might buy a dog together. You guys might 0:41:18.680 --> 0:41:24.440 move in together really quickly. You might booking overseas, you 0:41:24.520 --> 0:41:27.120 might book an overseas holiday in together. Like, there's just 0:41:27.160 --> 0:41:29.480 a lot of things that you rush into. And again, 0:41:29.760 --> 0:41:31.880 when you're rushing into these things and you're missing the 0:41:31.920 --> 0:41:34.759 red flags, you're getting yourself further and further into a 0:41:34.800 --> 0:41:37.879 toxic relationship that is going to be trickier to get 0:41:37.920 --> 0:41:40.279 out of, and not always it can just be a 0:41:40.360 --> 0:41:44.399 relationship that isn't ideal. Then you usually go through the 0:41:44.560 --> 0:41:47.919 bottom and loss of interest stage. And this is kind 0:41:47.920 --> 0:41:51.200 of just like the way I describe this is people 0:41:51.160 --> 0:41:52.960 of that at HD often talk about the fact that 0:41:53.000 --> 0:41:55.040 they change hobbies left, right and center right. You might 0:41:55.040 --> 0:41:57.879 be into surfing one week, go buy surfboard next minute. 0:41:57.960 --> 0:42:00.480 Next week, you're playing guitar, or you're starting a podcast, 0:42:00.600 --> 0:42:06.319 whatever it is. You're constantly changing hobbies and there's all 0:42:06.400 --> 0:42:09.680 this dopamine attached to that hobby. And it's the same 0:42:09.760 --> 0:42:12.280 pattern in this toxic love cycle. It's like we follow 0:42:12.320 --> 0:42:15.120 the same pattern with hobbies and then we lose interest 0:42:15.680 --> 0:42:17.560 and then we get bored and we start a new one. 0:42:17.640 --> 0:42:21.280 So that same thing applies to relationships. In the sense 0:42:21.320 --> 0:42:25.680 that you're dating this new person, all these crazy intense 0:42:25.680 --> 0:42:30.200 feelings you're feeling are like, ugh, okay, don't know if 0:42:30.239 --> 0:42:33.320 I'm feeling that anymore, and your brain's craving that dopamine 0:42:33.400 --> 0:42:36.839 spike again, that dopamine of finding someone new. And there's 0:42:36.840 --> 0:42:39.359 actually a lot of a lot of research that's gone 0:42:39.400 --> 0:42:42.160 into ADHD relationships and a lot there's a lot of 0:42:42.200 --> 0:42:48.600 infidelity and cheating in ADHD relationships that yeah, it can 0:42:48.640 --> 0:42:51.520 be a pretty intense pattern. And then yeah, a lot 0:42:51.520 --> 0:42:54.560 of people then just move on or quickly rebound into 0:42:54.600 --> 0:42:57.800 a new relationship and find themselves into that cycle again. 0:42:58.120 --> 0:43:00.960 Right, And how do you break the site For anyone 0:43:01.040 --> 0:43:05.560 listening who can really resonate with what you just said. 0:43:06.400 --> 0:43:10.560 I think it's awareness. It's awareness. It's like, yeah, it's 0:43:10.600 --> 0:43:12.520 like anything. If you're not aware of it, you don't 0:43:12.520 --> 0:43:14.520 know what's happening. Like I went through this cycle my 0:43:14.600 --> 0:43:17.279 whole life. Like I was infatuated with boys when I 0:43:17.320 --> 0:43:20.120 was really young, and it started really early in the 0:43:20.200 --> 0:43:22.560 teenage years, and I'd get myself into situations and it 0:43:22.640 --> 0:43:25.959 was just this cycle that just continued and it wasn't 0:43:26.040 --> 0:43:29.840 until yeah, like I understood the cycle that happens for 0:43:29.920 --> 0:43:32.720 me with hobbies and with like jobs and other things 0:43:32.800 --> 0:43:34.560 that I was like, damn, this is a pattern, not 0:43:34.800 --> 0:43:37.799 just in you know, that area of my life. This 0:43:37.880 --> 0:43:43.480 is a pattern in my romantic kind of situations. And 0:43:43.520 --> 0:43:46.279 I just think awareness is it's something. It's like, we 0:43:46.400 --> 0:43:50.080 don't give it enough power, but having the awareness of 0:43:50.120 --> 0:43:53.799 something is honestly the most powerful thing because you can 0:43:53.840 --> 0:43:56.680 call yourself out on it. You know, you get to 0:43:56.719 --> 0:43:59.560 actually go okay, I'm you know. So we Barry and 0:43:59.600 --> 0:44:02.120 I when we hit that stage, when I was hitting 0:44:02.160 --> 0:44:05.279 that light, I was looking for that that hit of 0:44:05.320 --> 0:44:08.520 dope for meine again, that excitement. I was aware enough 0:44:08.560 --> 0:44:11.120 to be able to go okay. So at the moment 0:44:11.239 --> 0:44:14.600 I'm in that stage where I'm like wanting to jump ship, 0:44:14.680 --> 0:44:17.879 I'm wanting to have something exciting in my life, I'm 0:44:17.920 --> 0:44:19.360 not going to do that. And it was hard, Like 0:44:19.400 --> 0:44:20.960 it was like a good month or two where I 0:44:21.080 --> 0:44:24.000 really had to sit with those intense emotions of the 0:44:24.040 --> 0:44:26.160 boredom because again, like we were saying at the start 0:44:26.160 --> 0:44:30.560 of the episode, I was feeling that intense boredom right, 0:44:30.640 --> 0:44:32.600 I was feeling and it wasn't anything too a bar 0:44:32.719 --> 0:44:38.360 it was literally just myself. You're not You're not worried. 0:44:39.800 --> 0:44:41.879 But it was just like like we said before, it's 0:44:41.960 --> 0:44:45.440 riding that wave, understanding it. I knew I was experiencing it. 0:44:45.480 --> 0:44:49.120 And then yeah, just can I ask how long into 0:44:49.120 --> 0:44:51.400 your relationship did that happen? 0:44:51.960 --> 0:44:54.600 I don't even know. Six months? 0:44:55.360 --> 0:44:59.160 Yeah, yeah, it was very odd and off at the start. 0:45:01.960 --> 0:45:05.120 Two years, two years we've we've lived with each other 0:45:05.200 --> 0:45:06.480 for seven Yeah. 0:45:06.320 --> 0:45:07.040 That's yeah. 0:45:07.120 --> 0:45:07.680 Oh wow. 0:45:08.640 --> 0:45:12.600 Notice just just like house house. 0:45:19.000 --> 0:45:21.640 Look like I moved to the Gold Coast when I 0:45:21.680 --> 0:45:24.879 finished high school straight away and I just moved into 0:45:24.880 --> 0:45:29.319 this massive, like share house situation, and I had like 0:45:29.360 --> 0:45:32.360 eight housemates and then one of them moved out. Barry 0:45:32.400 --> 0:45:36.240 ended up being the stranger that moved in. And then 0:45:36.600 --> 0:45:40.440 over the years we just kind of like as friends, 0:45:40.480 --> 0:45:42.640 like fully as friends. We just kind of went from 0:45:42.680 --> 0:45:45.719 that house to another house and then moved to this 0:45:45.800 --> 0:45:48.319 house which we're currently in. And yeah, we were just 0:45:48.440 --> 0:45:50.640 friends that whole time. And basically we fell in love 0:45:50.719 --> 0:45:53.200 during COVID because we were stuck in a house together. 0:45:55.200 --> 0:45:56.560 Were you in separate rooms? Then? 0:45:57.440 --> 0:46:00.320 Yeah, we weren't roommates, just how smith. 0:46:00.680 --> 0:46:03.120 And then and then in COVID. They're like, actually, we 0:46:03.160 --> 0:46:05.400 don't want to pay for two rooms anymore. 0:46:06.800 --> 0:46:10.960 No, I didn't get a choice. You were upstairs. 0:46:13.520 --> 0:46:15.200 It's funny when I think about that now because we're 0:46:15.239 --> 0:46:17.399 just talking about that cycle. So I just got out 0:46:17.440 --> 0:46:21.080 of a toxic relationship. I just graduated UNI. We were 0:46:21.080 --> 0:46:23.360 out on the town and the Gold Coast. That sounds 0:46:23.400 --> 0:46:26.200 so old, but anyway, we were having a night out 0:46:26.280 --> 0:46:31.879 and I got really wasted, basically, and Barry and I, 0:46:31.880 --> 0:46:36.440 I don't know, I like this. Apparently I was like 0:46:36.600 --> 0:46:39.280 dancing and grinding up on Barrier, which has never happened 0:46:39.320 --> 0:46:44.759 in like seven years in partying and friendship. And yeah, 0:46:44.760 --> 0:46:49.359 and then obviously he was like not bad. 0:46:49.520 --> 0:46:52.279 And you remember the bits where I was in the 0:46:52.280 --> 0:46:52.719 whole thing. 0:46:55.520 --> 0:46:55.680 Yeah. 0:46:55.760 --> 0:46:58.719 The next morning was like, yeah, you were. 0:47:00.360 --> 0:47:02.759 It was weird, but yeah, So after that we ended 0:47:02.800 --> 0:47:05.719 up kissing that night. Nothing else happened. Came home the 0:47:05.760 --> 0:47:08.080 next morning, I texted Barry and I was like, what 0:47:08.200 --> 0:47:11.279 happened last night? And I thought, which I know now 0:47:11.320 --> 0:47:13.480 to be true, but I thought that we had like 0:47:13.560 --> 0:47:17.120 these crazy chemistry and like all the feelings and stuff 0:47:17.880 --> 0:47:20.359 from that kiss. And I texted him, I was like, hey, like, 0:47:20.400 --> 0:47:22.479 did you feel that also or did it just feel 0:47:22.520 --> 0:47:25.799 weird like you know friends, and Barry's like, now it 0:47:25.800 --> 0:47:31.359 felt weird. I'm like, okay, cool, that's never spinking about again, man, 0:47:31.480 --> 0:47:35.880 Like yes, and it was. It was so like awkward. 0:47:35.960 --> 0:47:38.440 And then anyway, so nothing happened for like six months 0:47:38.480 --> 0:47:42.839 after that until March in COVID And yeah, one one 0:47:42.920 --> 0:47:46.120 day I was just laying on the couch and Barry 0:47:46.200 --> 0:47:47.759 started throwing pillows at me. 0:47:47.800 --> 0:47:52.759 And I was like, that's not my move, okay, And 0:47:52.800 --> 0:47:53.400 I was like. 0:47:53.400 --> 0:47:56.279 What the hell, because in my head I was like, oh, 0:47:56.320 --> 0:47:58.200 he said that it was weird, like he would never 0:47:58.320 --> 0:48:02.479 go there again that obviously. But yeah, then the next 0:48:02.560 --> 0:48:06.200 day the pillows kept coming, and then I was like, 0:48:06.640 --> 0:48:09.600 in my hyperfixation stage, I was like, I'm not going 0:48:09.600 --> 0:48:11.319 to work for the next three days, so I wanted 0:48:11.320 --> 0:48:13.120 to see you for three days just to like see 0:48:13.120 --> 0:48:16.960 what was happening. And then yeah, he ended up like 0:48:17.080 --> 0:48:19.640 leaning over and kissing me, and then the rest was history. 0:48:19.680 --> 0:48:21.160 We tried to keep it on like the d L 0:48:21.360 --> 0:48:24.840 but yeah, it is. 0:48:25.840 --> 0:48:29.360 That is a very cute story, the killer throwing. 0:48:29.480 --> 0:48:34.400 It's all very cute. I love it. 0:48:35.719 --> 0:48:37.759 I mean, was that your game plan when you were 0:48:37.800 --> 0:48:38.840 throwing the pillows or we. 0:48:40.560 --> 0:48:44.600 Don't call out, I mean probably. 0:48:46.160 --> 0:48:50.120 Is that you're flirting. Yeah, it's. 0:48:52.000 --> 0:48:53.960 But then I asked him, I was like, so did 0:48:54.040 --> 0:48:56.440 the kids, Like were you lying when you said it 0:48:56.480 --> 0:48:59.920 was just friends? Because like I was cut deep. And 0:49:00.040 --> 0:49:00.879 then he's like, yeah, it. 0:49:00.800 --> 0:49:05.480 Was like yeah, is it because we didn't want to 0:49:05.480 --> 0:49:06.760 make it awkward in the house. 0:49:07.440 --> 0:49:07.640 Yeah. 0:49:07.640 --> 0:49:10.239 I think we were friends for so long that I 0:49:10.280 --> 0:49:12.239 think at the beginning it was like, we don't want 0:49:12.239 --> 0:49:15.520 to ruin the friendship because then if this goes sideways, 0:49:15.520 --> 0:49:18.480 are in point, it would ruin the friendship. But I 0:49:18.600 --> 0:49:20.359 just I think it's just the fact that we're doing 0:49:20.440 --> 0:49:22.560 that actually started ruining the friendship. 0:49:22.640 --> 0:49:23.000 I think. 0:49:26.760 --> 0:49:29.799 Yeah, I think that's good though, that you guys were 0:49:29.800 --> 0:49:31.799 friends before, so you had a little bit of an 0:49:31.880 --> 0:49:34.200 understanding before you went into it, you know what I mean, 0:49:35.040 --> 0:49:37.040 around the house and it's not just all new and 0:49:37.080 --> 0:49:38.680 you're like, what the fuck's going on? Yeah? 0:49:38.719 --> 0:49:39.120 Exactly. 0:49:39.160 --> 0:49:39.560 Yeah. 0:49:39.840 --> 0:49:43.640 At we also met and knew each other's exes, every 0:49:43.680 --> 0:49:48.280 single one of us, so that added another layer to different. 0:49:48.960 --> 0:49:57.359 I mean, that's anxiety when it comes to intimacy and ADHD. 0:49:58.520 --> 0:50:00.000 Why is it more complicated? 0:50:01.360 --> 0:50:05.440 Matt, I want to ask you this. I was gonna say, 0:50:05.680 --> 0:50:10.000 what have you experienced like when it comes to intimacy 0:50:10.080 --> 0:50:10.960 being complicated? 0:50:11.760 --> 0:50:12.640 Oh geez. 0:50:20.080 --> 0:50:22.240 No. The reason the reason I was asking is because 0:50:22.280 --> 0:50:25.680 like I know a lot as in like we actually 0:50:25.719 --> 0:50:27.479 actually run a course on this. It's called the seven 0:50:27.560 --> 0:50:32.160 Day ADHD Intimacy Challenge, and it's designed to help people 0:50:32.160 --> 0:50:35.439 with ADHD navigate this whole thing. So I was more 0:50:35.480 --> 0:50:46.279 curious from like, it's just like, I think one of 0:50:46.360 --> 0:50:49.560 the biggest things is like lack of connection. So obviously, 0:50:49.719 --> 0:50:53.360 as someone with ADHD, you know, you can be really 0:50:53.400 --> 0:50:57.880 disconnected from your partner really easily without realizing, so constantly, 0:50:57.920 --> 0:50:59.799 you know, going to work, coming home from the gym, 0:50:59.880 --> 0:51:01.440 Like we were saying before, it's like you're get in 0:51:01.520 --> 0:51:03.560 this cycle and it's like you can't stop. So then 0:51:03.640 --> 0:51:07.160 because you can't stop, you kind of can't connect sometimes. 0:51:07.680 --> 0:51:11.080 So there's this disconnect. So when you then obviously go 0:51:11.239 --> 0:51:14.600 to I guess I think the desire just isn't there 0:51:14.680 --> 0:51:16.680 a lot of the time for people with ADHD. So 0:51:17.520 --> 0:51:20.440 and I guess it's also not black and white in 0:51:20.480 --> 0:51:24.680 that sense in the idea that like there's libido variations, 0:51:24.760 --> 0:51:28.279 So you either have a really intense high sex drive 0:51:28.320 --> 0:51:31.239 where that's all that you can think about, or it's 0:51:31.280 --> 0:51:33.279 on the under end of the spectrum where it's like 0:51:34.400 --> 0:51:37.440 you're not thinking about it, like it's just caput. So 0:51:38.680 --> 0:51:41.040 that can be really hard to navigate, and it's not 0:51:41.120 --> 0:51:43.719 a constant thing. So you might have found that it's like, 0:51:44.040 --> 0:51:45.920 you know, for a couple of months, you're hyper focused 0:51:45.920 --> 0:51:48.040 on sex, it's all you can think about, and then 0:51:48.080 --> 0:51:50.399 it's like you haven't thought about it in two months 0:51:50.440 --> 0:51:51.640 and you haven't realized that. 0:51:52.000 --> 0:51:55.240 I had that exact problem in most of my relationships. Yeah, 0:51:55.600 --> 0:51:58.800 when I was there like well, like calm down, I'm like, no, 0:51:58.920 --> 0:52:03.120 I need to do it like me, and then like then, 0:52:03.239 --> 0:52:05.040 like you know, they'd just be like a couple of 0:52:05.080 --> 0:52:07.640 months later that what's going on now you're not even interested? 0:52:07.719 --> 0:52:09.400 And I'm like I don't know, I'm just not like, 0:52:09.440 --> 0:52:12.319 I'm just I can't I can't explain to you. Yeah. 0:52:12.760 --> 0:52:16.359 Yeah. In the ADHD world, we call that the all 0:52:16.480 --> 0:52:18.720 or nothing mindset, and we have that when it comes 0:52:18.840 --> 0:52:19.560 to everything. 0:52:19.719 --> 0:52:21.200 Basically I've got that. 0:52:22.120 --> 0:52:24.680 Yeah, So it's like all or nothing with everything, like 0:52:24.680 --> 0:52:26.520 you're all in or you're all out, Like it's that's 0:52:26.600 --> 0:52:29.440 kind of thing, but it kind of in addition to that, 0:52:29.480 --> 0:52:31.560 like that's one of the things that we struggle with. 0:52:31.640 --> 0:52:35.799 But another thing is like overstimulation. So like obviously when 0:52:35.800 --> 0:52:40.200 you're having intercourse, it's like breathing. You can feel it, 0:52:40.239 --> 0:52:42.080 you can hear it, you can smell it. It's like 0:52:42.160 --> 0:52:44.480 you're kind of getting distracted by things that your average 0:52:44.480 --> 0:52:49.359 person wouldn't get distracted by. Yes, that's a big one 0:52:50.560 --> 0:52:51.040 all the time. 0:52:51.239 --> 0:52:56.440 What the is that about that? 0:52:56.840 --> 0:52:57.880 I've got to do that tomorrow? 0:52:58.080 --> 0:52:59.560 Yeah, if I. 0:52:59.520 --> 0:53:00.359 Put that away in the. 0:53:00.320 --> 0:53:05.239 Fridge, And that's where that disconnect happens, because obviously your 0:53:05.280 --> 0:53:07.960 partner is going to be able to feel you're not 0:53:08.160 --> 0:53:11.160 into it, right, So it's kind of like, yeah, it 0:53:11.200 --> 0:53:13.880 can cause a real disconnect. So there's a lot of 0:53:13.880 --> 0:53:17.000 things you can do. I feel like my brain's like going. 0:53:18.680 --> 0:53:22.240 Breath sometimes, temperature of the breath. 0:53:23.840 --> 0:53:25.960 Away from me. It's stop moaning in my face. 0:53:28.480 --> 0:53:37.719 I don't mind that. I don't know something sometimes I've 0:53:37.760 --> 0:53:39.160 had experiences I'm not going to say. 0:53:39.040 --> 0:53:41.760 But you were saying that you like don't care about 0:53:41.800 --> 0:53:44.359 breath at all during sex like that, Like will pull 0:53:44.400 --> 0:53:46.480 out as retainer and be like straight into it, whereas 0:53:46.520 --> 0:53:49.040 like for me is like a big deal, like I'm like. 0:53:49.000 --> 0:53:52.400 You need to go brush your teeth. Yeah, thinking about. 0:53:52.120 --> 0:53:55.719 This that doesn't do that's sort of like that's like 0:53:55.960 --> 0:53:58.319 math's going into sex with retainer breath, Like that's a 0:53:58.360 --> 0:53:58.960 red flag. 0:54:00.120 --> 0:54:01.200 That is a red flag. 0:54:02.560 --> 0:54:04.640 I'll just take it out, Like I actually say, she 0:54:04.640 --> 0:54:06.200 could hear it from the out and put on the 0:54:06.320 --> 0:54:07.839 thing and she knew what was going on then. 0:54:10.640 --> 0:54:12.560 Of focus, she's acting on the impulse. 0:54:13.880 --> 0:54:16.319 Now there's something that I'd find that would throw me off, 0:54:16.320 --> 0:54:18.880 like the slightest like body language thing, and I'd be like, oh, 0:54:18.880 --> 0:54:20.720 what does she mean by that? And then like I'd 0:54:20.719 --> 0:54:22.680 just spiral in my own head and start thinking about 0:54:22.719 --> 0:54:25.080 like other stuff. Or I have like a core memory 0:54:25.120 --> 0:54:27.080 from when i was like thirteen, and I'm starting thinking 0:54:27.080 --> 0:54:28.279 about that and I'm like it, all of. 0:54:28.280 --> 0:54:34.400 A sudden, that's probably your rejection sensitivity. So that that 0:54:34.440 --> 0:54:36.120 can be a really big thing in the intimacy, but 0:54:36.320 --> 0:54:39.959 in like having sex and stuff as an ADHD, because 0:54:39.960 --> 0:54:42.560 it's kind of like like what you were saying, when 0:54:42.920 --> 0:54:45.680 their body changes or you know, they move back and 0:54:45.719 --> 0:54:48.080 you kind of trying to read what's happening for them. 0:54:48.360 --> 0:54:50.080 Instantly you can kind of be like, oh, they don't 0:54:50.080 --> 0:54:52.200 think I'm attractive, or like, oh I did something gross, 0:54:52.200 --> 0:54:54.400 so maybe my breath smells or like, oh did that 0:54:54.480 --> 0:54:56.760 taste weird? Or like it's kind of like you instantly 0:54:56.800 --> 0:55:00.719 go into this like fear response and rejections. Sensitivity is 0:55:00.760 --> 0:55:06.400 like a massive thing. Yeah, which it's It really plays 0:55:06.400 --> 0:55:10.319 out particularly in sex because it's the person you're closest with, right, So, 0:55:10.400 --> 0:55:12.400 like the fear of rejection is going to be so 0:55:12.520 --> 0:55:14.920 much more intense because they're like the last person on 0:55:14.960 --> 0:55:18.000 this earth you want to not like you or think 0:55:18.040 --> 0:55:20.000 you're growth as well. 0:55:20.080 --> 0:55:22.520 That like I always would say, like I just want to, like, 0:55:22.680 --> 0:55:24.359 you know, if we have an argument or something, I'd 0:55:24.360 --> 0:55:26.919 want them to like forgive and let it go because 0:55:26.960 --> 0:55:29.000 I didn't want them to be angry and hate me. 0:55:32.120 --> 0:55:35.399 Yeah, yeah, that is guys, this has been such an 0:55:35.480 --> 0:55:36.560 interesting chart. 0:55:36.800 --> 0:55:38.680 We have to go, but I'm so sad. 0:55:38.719 --> 0:55:40.279 I feel like we're gonna have to get you guys 0:55:40.320 --> 0:55:41.799 on the podcast again because this. 0:55:41.880 --> 0:55:44.960 Is like a whole new world to Matt and to me. 0:55:45.480 --> 0:55:49.399 I feel like it's just been so interesting a lot 0:55:49.440 --> 0:55:52.680 of this episode. 0:55:52.320 --> 0:55:54.480 Needs to be like the aha adhd. 0:55:58.200 --> 0:56:00.560 Thank you for your wisdom. I feel like we're going 0:56:00.600 --> 0:56:02.960 to have you on again. It's been so interesting. We 0:56:03.040 --> 0:56:04.239 really appreciate your time. 0:56:04.440 --> 0:56:06.000 Thank you, thank you so much. 0:56:06.080 --> 0:56:15.480 Thanks for chatting with us, Agh