Speaker 1: Matt, are you ready for a night of fun?
Speaker 2: I'm always down for fun. Now now you know that.
Speaker 3: Well, we hear two million listens this year and to celebrate,
Speaker 3: we're going on tour.
Speaker 4: That we are.
Speaker 2: So on Thursday the seventh of September, we're going to
Speaker 2: be in Melbourne, Wednesday.
Speaker 1: The thirteenth of September, we're going to be in Brisbane.
Speaker 2: And Thursday twenty first of September we're going to be
Speaker 2: in Sydney.
Speaker 3: We're going to have special guests, prizes and so much fun.
Speaker 3: So make sure you get your tickets in our show notes.
Speaker 2: Bye see you're there.
Speaker 3: I want the fairy Tale.
Speaker 1: I want the Prince Charming.
Speaker 2: She how do I put this? Isn't a fan of
Speaker 2: my kissing style.
Speaker 3: Boyfriend and girlfriend for about twelve hours, he's in a
Speaker 3: trash bin.
Speaker 2: He's non recyclable. Catching them up. I love being love,
Speaker 2: I love Love.
Speaker 3: Where's Your Head At Is a podcast that talks all
Speaker 3: things relationships, breakups, reality TV, trending shows, and everything in between.
Speaker 2: This is your new go to destination for life gossip,
Speaker 2: intimate details, advice, and much more.
Speaker 1: Hi guys, welcome to Where's Your Head At?
Speaker 4: Hello, thank you for having us.
Speaker 3: Thanks guys, We've had a lot of technical difficulties this morning.
Speaker 2: You guys have been.
Speaker 5: Very good sport.
Speaker 2: Thank you for that and thank you for coming on.
Speaker 4: It gave us time to be late, but this was
Speaker 4: the first time I'm actually on time. Oh I know,
Speaker 4: I know.
Speaker 2: Well, where's your head.
Speaker 4: Out, guys, it's Monday morning. Yeah, I feel like so
Speaker 4: the technical difficulties probably making it even better, but you know,
Speaker 4: feeling good. I think excited for the week.
Speaker 5: This is cool about you.
Speaker 3: Guys have an awesome presence on TikTok. Your videos have
Speaker 3: gone like viral viral, like millions and millions and millions
Speaker 3: of likes and views. What made you get into TikTok?
Speaker 6: Firstly, I think I've been doing TikTok since doing the
Speaker 6: lame dances were a things, So I never got into
Speaker 6: the dances, but when that was like what TikTok was
Speaker 6: was when I kind of started.
Speaker 4: And I think I get to send lots of facets
Speaker 4: to me and I've always been like someone that likes
Speaker 4: to share that all openly and all the things, so
Speaker 4: I just kind of I didn't ever have like a niche.
Speaker 4: I guess when it came to TikTok. I would just
Speaker 4: share were friends center everything, and then yeah, I had
Speaker 4: like a few videos I guess go viral in the
Speaker 4: early days, and they weren't about like ADHD or anything.
Speaker 4: They were just I guess, random ones. And then yeah,
Speaker 4: kind of fell in love with creating and yeah, then
Speaker 4: Barry just decided to start filming me in my chaoticness.
Speaker 4: So that's how our account started.
Speaker 7: Our account started with the lies, and then it was
Speaker 7: just so odd, just building constantly, and then it.
Speaker 4: Was just a hyper focus that they moved on from
Speaker 4: I go over this one, over this now.
Speaker 3: So you guys do a lot of content on ADHD.
Speaker 1: Both of you have ADHD. Do one of you have
Speaker 1: a talk us through that?
Speaker 4: So I am the ADHD in the relationship and Barry
Speaker 4: is not.
Speaker 2: So yeah, when did you find out you were diagnosed
Speaker 2: with ADHD?
Speaker 4: So I was diagnosed. It was kind of like an official,
Speaker 4: unofficial diagnosis when I was really young. So I had
Speaker 4: a lot of behavioral issues growing up, and this was
Speaker 4: all before I actually started school. So I was diagnosed.
Speaker 4: My mom took me to the doctor at about three
Speaker 4: or four. She can't remember exactly when, but it was
Speaker 4: around that age. And at that time, there was just
Speaker 4: such little awareness around how it presented in girls and
Speaker 4: then as well, I think there was a lot of
Speaker 4: shame around medicating your child in that sense, and I
Speaker 4: guess it's a mom as well. You're not going to
Speaker 4: medicate your kid if you don't know what it even
Speaker 4: is or what they're like medicating for. So that was
Speaker 4: like the only conversation. And obviously, being three or four,
Speaker 4: I barely even remember that situation. I remember all the
Speaker 4: school changes, but yeah, so I was technically be diagnosed,
Speaker 4: but that conversation never nothing ever came from that conversation.
Speaker 4: I just grew up as a normal kid into teenage
Speaker 4: years and it wasn't until I actually graduated UNI, which
Speaker 4: we actually told this story yesterday on the podcast that
Speaker 4: we recorded. But yeah, I was in the kitchen one
Speaker 4: morning with my housemate and we had conversation after conversation,
Speaker 4: and it would always happen this way. I would say, hey,
Speaker 4: what are you doing this morning? Or like what are
Speaker 4: you doing today? And she'd be like, yeah, I'm going
Speaker 4: to UNI bowl. I should tell me the whole spiel,
Speaker 4: and then two seconds later, so what are you up
Speaker 4: to today? Like blah, blah blah. What are you doing?
Speaker 4: And she's like, I'm going for UNI at this time,
Speaker 4: at this time, blah blah blah. And then I'll just
Speaker 4: be making my breakfast or something and then I'd be like, course,
Speaker 4: so what time are you getting home this afternoon? What
Speaker 4: are your plans to do? And she's like, I'm sick
Speaker 4: of having the same conversation with you ten times every morning,
Speaker 4: and she's like, you need to like go to the
Speaker 4: doctor and get your head sorted. So I did, and
Speaker 4: that was actually when I ended up getting my adult diagnosis.
Speaker 2: Wow. So yeah, like twenty four, I think.
Speaker 4: I was like twenty yes, twenty four to twenty five.
Speaker 4: It was in twenty nineteen. COVID's got my head all
Speaker 4: over the shop, but yeah, it was.
Speaker 2: Around that aid, So you lived twenty four years not knowing.
Speaker 2: Did you feel like you were different from everyone else?
Speaker 2: Did you feel like the way you were like and
Speaker 2: all that sort of stuff.
Speaker 4: Yeah, one hundred percent. I think the masking was a
Speaker 4: really big thing for me, Like I always noticed that,
Speaker 4: And masking is exhausting if you kind of know what
Speaker 4: it is, but it's constantly feeling like you're having to
Speaker 4: suppress these parts of you to kind of fit the norm.
Speaker 4: And I think like that was just a very normal
Speaker 4: thing for me. And I think once I got my
Speaker 4: diagnosis in Barry and I call it the it was
Speaker 4: like the half stage. And once you get diagnosed, you
Speaker 4: kind of sound like a broken record. But you're walking
Speaker 4: around the house and you're like, oh my god, that
Speaker 4: dooom pa, that's my ADHD and you're like, oh my god,
Speaker 4: like that's why every relationship has failed. Oh my god,
Speaker 4: that's why I had these patterns. And it's like you
Speaker 4: kind of just go through these moments and it's like,
Speaker 4: holy crap, Like I've masked, like you said, twenty plus
Speaker 4: years and I've just you know, tried to cope.
Speaker 3: Basically Matt is currently going through that. Aha.
Speaker 2: See, Like people are like, oh, you're using as an excuse.
Speaker 2: It's not an excuse reason why I did this, or
Speaker 2: like I was this behavior in this certain situation, or
Speaker 2: why you said, like there's different things that I've done
Speaker 2: my whole life.
Speaker 3: It's interesting because the TikTok content on ADHD is so powerful.
Speaker 3: I think that's the reason that you even got diagnosed,
Speaker 3: and that I think just like one week.
Speaker 2: Was just like I don't know.
Speaker 4: Okay, so there's this, this.
Speaker 3: And this, and I do it all because of ADHD
Speaker 3: and I've got most of the symptoms and like, you
Speaker 3: have to watch it.
Speaker 1: And then he started sending me a million.
Speaker 3: Videos and I was like, oh my god, what's happening,
Speaker 3: and he was.
Speaker 4: He was.
Speaker 3: Just for our listeners who maybe don't exactly know what
Speaker 3: ADHD is. Can you give a bit of a summary.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I guess, like it's I can go down the
Speaker 4: I guess textbook definition. But I think the reason that
Speaker 4: you know that textbook definition hasnt worked for so long
Speaker 4: is because how it sounds on paper is so different
Speaker 4: to how it plays out in real life, right. And
Speaker 4: that's the thing is, like, you know, we've had this
Speaker 4: textbook definition of ADHD for such a long time, right,
Speaker 4: and so many people have still gone undiagnosed for so long.
Speaker 4: And that's why people like yourself, Matt, are now seeing
Speaker 4: the videos seeing it play out in real life, seeing
Speaker 4: you know, videos like ours where they're actually seeing how
Speaker 4: it manifests in real life play out, and they're like, like,
Speaker 4: that's what ADHD is. So for me, I can you know,
Speaker 4: I can sit here and say, you know, ADHD is inattention,
Speaker 4: it's you know, hyperactivity, it's all of these little ticking
Speaker 4: the boxes of symptoms. But really I just think it
Speaker 4: goes so much deeper than that.
Speaker 2: There's so much things that people wouldn't even understand, Like
Speaker 2: I don't know about you, like the the one is
Speaker 2: just the rollercoaster of emotion no one talks about, Like
Speaker 2: the slightest thing can like bring you down or blow
Speaker 2: you up. No one talks about that, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean.
Speaker 4: Yeah, So emotional dysregulation. I think that's one of the
Speaker 4: biggest things that I mean, and really like it's barely
Speaker 4: even in the DSM, like as in the criteria of ADHD,
Speaker 4: it's like this, you know, emotional dysregulation. It's just like
Speaker 4: one word, but it's like what does that actually mean?
Speaker 4: And I think like basically people with ADHD experience emotions
Speaker 4: far more intensely. And the way I like to describe
Speaker 4: it is like, for example, if Baron and I were
Speaker 4: in a car and we were someone here, he was
Speaker 4: driving and someone cut him off, he would kind of
Speaker 4: be like he'd initially go to have that road rage
Speaker 4: and like you know, stick the finger up or whatever
Speaker 4: and be like, oh, you, asshole, but a filter in
Speaker 4: his brain goes okay, probably not like let's just come.
Speaker 3: This way too irrelevant right now, this is a way
Speaker 3: to irrelevant.
Speaker 4: So he would just like, you know, this filter would pass.
Speaker 4: He'd be like okay, whatever, like asshole, it'd be calm.
Speaker 4: Whereas like me, I would be driving someone cuts me off.
Speaker 4: I don't have that filter, right, But it's not just
Speaker 4: that I don't have the filter. I then feel it
Speaker 4: more intensely. So my one hundred percent is like an
Speaker 4: average person's like fifty percent. That's not like quote unquote statistical,
Speaker 4: but like that's like the intensity. So someone cuts me off,
Speaker 4: I don't have that filter. The it's not there. And
Speaker 4: that's like a prime example of the emotion aspect.
Speaker 2: On the phone. The other day, someone cut me off
Speaker 2: and I started going nuts and I was like, I
Speaker 2: was like, where's my fucking tire eye? And I was
Speaker 2: like I was like looking all over my calf for
Speaker 2: the thing.
Speaker 1: And I was like giving him this speech like let's
Speaker 1: just be the happiest.
Speaker 2: I was mad. I was so fucking mad. I was
Speaker 2: searching under my seat because I put the higher irons,
Speaker 2: I switched the.
Speaker 3: I'm going to take that out so you don't end
Speaker 3: up in jail.
Speaker 2: I was ready, but I'm yeah, I feel like the
Speaker 2: same thing. But like the way I explained it is,
Speaker 2: say you get like a text message and it's not
Speaker 2: even a bad one. It could be something like, you know,
Speaker 2: I'm canceling plans tonight and like you were like, and
Speaker 2: then that just fucking ruins you for like an hour,
Speaker 2: like you're upset, but then you make a green light
Speaker 2: and then out of nowhere, you're fucking happy again. You
Speaker 2: know what I mean. That's how I explained. It's just
Speaker 2: the littlest things make you, like doping levels go up
Speaker 2: and down.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, And that's that's the emotional dysregulation. Right. So
Speaker 4: when we think about that, we think that it means, like,
Speaker 4: you know, it's always about negative emotions, but it can
Speaker 4: happen with the happy emotions too. Is it like when
Speaker 4: you feel happy? And this is why when we fall
Speaker 4: in love or when you know, we get into relationships,
Speaker 4: you feel them so much more intensely and it's like,
Speaker 4: oh my god, they're the ones. It's crazy, and it's
Speaker 4: like you just go through this whirlwind. So it happens
Speaker 4: with the happy emotions. So much as it does with
Speaker 4: the sad and the angry emotions as well.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that you fall in love very aha, that this
Speaker 3: whole interview is just going to be in one big.
Speaker 1: Aha Sarry for you? How is it?
Speaker 3: I mean, if you're in the car and there's a
Speaker 3: road rage incident happening, how do you kind of like,
Speaker 3: what's what's your go to plan in those situations?
Speaker 5: It's like I drive.
Speaker 7: Road rage and everything like that, but nothing's really happening.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I think, as you said, Matt, thosed up and
Speaker 7: down moments, I think really quickly. They really come on
Speaker 7: stronger when you like when it's the time of the
Speaker 7: month as well. I think for a lot of females
Speaker 7: with ADHD that intensifies it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, not just that there. I go to zero from
Speaker 4: zero to one hundred in most days.
Speaker 5: I not a lot more then.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah for sure, but yeah I usually like this calm.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I calm you down.
Speaker 4: Yeah, how explain how just giving you the time?
Speaker 7: I think you've got to give them the outlet to
Speaker 7: have that for a little bit, not so quiet.
Speaker 5: Don't do that. Don't do that.
Speaker 7: Yeah, let the explosion happen, and then after that, calm down, yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, I know that I can go from zero to
Speaker 2: one hundred, have an explosion, and within like five to
Speaker 2: ten seconds, I'm fine.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm just like what was that that.
Speaker 4: So as they're having an argument and going to I
Speaker 4: will kind of go to sleep like there's no issue,
Speaker 4: and Barry the next morning we'll wake up and kind
Speaker 4: of like still be a bit like angry, and I'm
Speaker 4: just like getting on with my day. I'm like and
Speaker 4: then I'm like, what's wrong with you? And he's like, oh,
Speaker 4: you just said a few like mean things last night.
Speaker 4: I'm like, what what are you talking about? Like the
Speaker 4: memory is just gone, Like I'm just so over it,
Speaker 4: like like you said, Matt, like within zero two one hundred,
Speaker 4: and then it's like I've forgotten what we're even talking about.
Speaker 4: I think the most important thing in our relationship though,
Speaker 4: and I always get people to ask me this, like
Speaker 4: how how does Barry support you? And I think, honestly,
Speaker 4: it's it's a dance in the sense that like I
Speaker 4: had to educate him, well, I had to first understand
Speaker 4: my own ADHD. Then I had to be able to
Speaker 4: educate him about my ADHD. And then it's like then
Speaker 4: we together come up with what works and what doesn't work.
Speaker 2: I think a massive thing is and correct me if
Speaker 2: I'm wrong. If you're in a relationship with someone that
Speaker 2: has ADHD. Personally, I feel like the person that doesn't
Speaker 2: have ADHD has to give a lot more and understand
Speaker 2: the person with it more than the I feel personal.
Speaker 2: That's how I feel from my experiences because I'm not
Speaker 2: so the way my brain works isn't as receptive to
Speaker 2: like their stuff, do you know what I mean? And
Speaker 2: I'm sort of fixed in my ways and what I
Speaker 2: what I do, and I can't, like it's fucking hard
Speaker 2: for me to undo the way I am, do you
Speaker 2: know what I mean? You know what I'm trying to
Speaker 2: I've had this thousand times with my ex, like fucking
Speaker 2: a million times because she just didn't want to like
Speaker 2: listen to like the way I would do things, and
Speaker 2: I'm like, I can't see it from your side. I
Speaker 2: kind of unwire myself.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think there needs to be like a general openness,
Speaker 4: as in like open and open mind is kind of
Speaker 4: like how I explain it, but to kind of touch
Speaker 4: on that point just quickly. So I always say people like, oh,
Speaker 4: you know your partner has to put up with so
Speaker 4: much like this that, And I'm like, at the end
Speaker 4: of the day, every single human being coming into any
Speaker 4: relationship has something, whether it's ADHD, whether it's depression, whether
Speaker 4: it's anxiety, whether it's attachment issues. Like, every single human
Speaker 4: being has something that they're going to have to be
Speaker 4: able to navigate with their significant other. So I think, like,
Speaker 4: give yourself a little bit of credit as the ADHD
Speaker 4: partner to not have like not come into a relationship
Speaker 4: and feel like you're such a burden that your partner
Speaker 4: has to understand you and that's so shitty for them, right, Like, yeah,
Speaker 4: it's shitty for Barry, But there's also things that like
Speaker 4: I have to navigate with him that he's brought to
Speaker 4: the relationship. So I think it's kind of just like
Speaker 4: having that maturity to be able to go, yeah, you've
Speaker 4: got ADHD. I can have that open mindness about it,
Speaker 4: but you know you're not You're not bringing something to
Speaker 4: the table that's unmanageable.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, it's different.
Speaker 2: Something I say as well, is you know, like it
Speaker 2: does come with all like the annoyance not sorry, that's
Speaker 2: the wrong word, Like the difficulties of it trying to
Speaker 2: manage it. But then if you do manage it and
Speaker 2: you learn how to navi gate it, I think it
Speaker 2: fucking could be like magical if you get you know
Speaker 2: what I mean, Because there's so many pros that come
Speaker 2: with ADHD. And I would always say that, like, if
Speaker 2: you're just learning how to navigate, like the turmoil and
Speaker 2: like the negatives, the positives outweigh it, I feel.
Speaker 4: One hundred percent. And that's what I was saying about
Speaker 4: that open having that open mind. And I think that's
Speaker 4: something that Barry does and really executes really brilliantly, is
Speaker 4: he has this open mind. And it's like if I, like,
Speaker 4: I kid you not this guy he does this to
Speaker 4: put up with a lot. But like if I decide,
Speaker 4: like we'll be laying bed at eleven o'clock and I'm like, like,
Speaker 4: the other night, we're putting away clothes and I'm like,
Speaker 4: I'm sick of doing this because I hate putting away clothes.
Speaker 4: And the reason I don't want to put away clothes
Speaker 4: is because my wardrobe's too full. So yes, at eleven
Speaker 4: thirty at night, I decided it was the perfect opportunity
Speaker 4: to rip out all of Like I completely like our
Speaker 4: bed was like a mountain. It was eleven o'clock and
Speaker 4: he's like, you know how you said you wanted to
Speaker 4: get to bed earlier and like go for a run
Speaker 4: in the morning. I'm like, yeah, that's not happening. We're
Speaker 4: doing this and it's just that ability for him to
Speaker 4: be able to go, Okay, cool, let's put some music on,
Speaker 4: let's have some fun whatever, like and like you said, mate,
Speaker 4: it's just embracing those moments that you know, we do
Speaker 4: get to have that fun time.
Speaker 7: I think as the non ADHD person, you choose to
Speaker 7: indulge in it or take part in it, or you
Speaker 7: can choose to be angry at the fact that she's
Speaker 7: doing that, and then the outcome is from that. If
Speaker 7: you choose to be angry, she's going to get heightened,
Speaker 7: everything's going to blow up, and it's all going to
Speaker 7: go to But if you don't you join in. It's
Speaker 7: an amazing moment that you guys kind of like laugh
Speaker 7: at Yeah.
Speaker 4: But yeah, like you were saying, you know, your relationship
Speaker 4: can be incredibly amazing when you do have ADHD, Like
Speaker 4: we have an incredibly playful fun like spontaneous, like we
Speaker 4: book random trips, away all of a sudden, we're in
Speaker 4: donuts when we're going to the grocery store, like it's
Speaker 4: just fun and just let it happen, like that's that's
Speaker 4: it's just not fighting it.
Speaker 3: I think from meeting you guys for like I don't
Speaker 3: know how long this podcast has been going, like ten minutes,
Speaker 3: I can already see that you guys have such a
Speaker 3: fun relationship and you really seem to be like the
Speaker 3: ying to each other's yang.
Speaker 1: It's really nice to say you can fit.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, there has there ever been times where you've
Speaker 3: struggled to navigate or you've come to like a kind
Speaker 3: of stop sign or a speed bump in the road.
Speaker 2: I think the.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, look every day there's something like as
Speaker 4: much as we have this fun play for relationship, there's
Speaker 4: always something. But I think it's you know, and I
Speaker 4: think I said this to someone the other day. It's
Speaker 4: like it's not about like not having fights, Like it's
Speaker 4: not about not having disagreements. It's just how you like
Speaker 4: ride that way. And I don't know, like you're two individuals.
Speaker 4: You can respect each other, you can agree to disagree
Speaker 4: and then make it again will make it fun afterwards,
Speaker 4: like we have this thing that when we are angry
Speaker 4: at each other, it just takes one of us to
Speaker 4: like smile or like laugh at one another, and the
Speaker 4: fight's over us, right, And I think it's like putting
Speaker 4: your ego aside and just being like, Okay, it's you
Speaker 4: two in the relationship. It's not you against me, Like
Speaker 4: I'm not here to prove anything. But yeah, there has
Speaker 4: been a lot of stuff along the along the way,
Speaker 4: there a.
Speaker 5: Few at the beginning of the relationship.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And it's interesting to think about that because at
Speaker 4: the start of our relationship we did have a lot
Speaker 4: of challenges, particularly with that emotional regulation stuff and the
Speaker 4: cycle of like me getting bored and like create craving
Speaker 4: was craving the bad boy back in the day, and
Speaker 4: so Barry at the time was like this really lovely sweet.
Speaker 4: It was giving me everything I needed, and I'm like,
Speaker 4: I'm bored, Like I don't know how to I don't
Speaker 4: know how to manage it, and I didn't know how
Speaker 4: to put words to that. I was just like, look,
Speaker 4: I don't know what's happening. But like I said, the crux,
Speaker 4: the crux of it really is is that I had
Speaker 4: to learn about my ADHD. Yeah, and that gave me
Speaker 4: the words to understand my own patterns, take ownership of
Speaker 4: my own patterns, and basically make a different choice because
Speaker 4: the pattern was the same, like throughout my whole life,
Speaker 4: Like fall in love super super quickly, think that they're
Speaker 4: the one, rush into things, next thing you're on like
Speaker 4: an overseas holiday with this person, and then you're break
Speaker 4: it up when you get home. Like that was the
Speaker 4: cycle that was quite quite constant.
Speaker 3: So are there any misconceptions about ADHD that you want
Speaker 3: to address or clear up? I think there's a lot,
Speaker 3: don't It's not that kid.
Speaker 2: I always say, it's not that kid in the corner who,
Speaker 2: like you know, has outbursts and punches hole in the
Speaker 2: wall of the classroom. That's not what ADHD is. There's
Speaker 2: a lot more to it than that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it is. It's definitely more than just that. And
Speaker 4: I think that misconception in particular came from so back
Speaker 4: in the I don't know if you guys remember, but
Speaker 4: remember how everyone kind of knew it as add or ADHD. Yes, Yeah,
Speaker 4: so everyone a lot of people kind of thought ADHD
Speaker 4: was that kid in the corner, you know, that was
Speaker 4: that stock standard what ADHD was. They kind of discovered
Speaker 4: as time went on that ADHD. Actually there's three types
Speaker 4: of ADHD as we know it today. So there's the
Speaker 4: hyperactivity impulsive type, which is that little boy in the
Speaker 4: corner that can't sit still, that presents differently once you
Speaker 4: grow up, though. And then there's the inattentive type, which
Speaker 4: is usually what girls are diagnosed with, and that's more internal,
Speaker 4: so it's the forgetfulness, it's the day dreaming, it's like
Speaker 4: the distracted thoughts, all of those kinds of things. And
Speaker 4: then there's the combined type. So it was actually why
Speaker 4: a lot of girls went misdiagnosed for such a long
Speaker 4: time because we all had this idea, even myself, like
Speaker 4: I knew I diagnosed with ADHD or I had it,
Speaker 4: but I never resonated with the little boys in my
Speaker 4: class that had ADHD. I didn't like. I was like, well,
Speaker 4: I'm not like them, like it's different. I'm just like
Speaker 4: off with the fairies kind of thing. So it presented
Speaker 4: really differently. But I think that's a massive misconception, and
Speaker 4: that's actually why a lot of women now in particular
Speaker 4: are are getting diagnosed and even even men as well.
Speaker 4: So yeah, so.
Speaker 3: Would you say ADHD even although there's those kind of
Speaker 3: like three main groups, is like a spectrum, like everyone
Speaker 3: kind of shows up differently.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Look, I think the easiest way to explain this
Speaker 4: is like when you think of the word hyperactivity, hyperactivity,
Speaker 4: like you said, it's that little boy in the side
Speaker 4: of classroom. Hyperactivity can also be biting your nails. Hyperactivity
Speaker 4: can also be you know, picking, like I'm playing with
Speaker 4: a scrunchy right now because I'm trying to put my
Speaker 4: energy somewhere else. Hyperactivity can present in your mind. Hyperactivity
Speaker 4: can present and as you know, when you come home
Speaker 4: from work you've got to go straight to the gym,
Speaker 4: or when you come home from the gym, you've got
Speaker 4: to get straight into cooking. It's like there's no actual stop.
Speaker 4: And so when we see the word hyperactivity is a symptom, right,
Speaker 4: we think, oh, yeah, so it's the little kid that
Speaker 4: can't sit still. Well, No, hyperactivity presents so differently. So
Speaker 4: that's what you're kind of saying in the sense that,
Speaker 4: like it's such a broad spectrum. So when you look
Speaker 4: at inattentiveness or distractions or hyperactivity, all of those look
Speaker 4: different for each person.
Speaker 2: My roommates used to say that I was like the
Speaker 2: definition of how do they word it? Always making moves
Speaker 2: but doing nothing, Like it feels like I'm not doing much,
Speaker 2: but like I'm always like doing stuff, do you know
Speaker 2: what I mean? Like I couldn't just like sit there,
Speaker 2: like I always had to be doing something. Yeah, it's
Speaker 2: this pyperactivity version.
Speaker 3: So when Matt got diagnosed with ADHD on our podcast,
Speaker 3: he actually said to me, I think you might have ADHD, Anna,
Speaker 3: And then from there some of our listeners were like, yeah,
Speaker 3: I didn't want to say anything, but I think you
Speaker 3: have it too. And I was like, oh, okay, Like
Speaker 3: I don't know where to go from here, because I genuinely,
Speaker 3: until Matt just got diagnosed, I.
Speaker 1: Didn't know any symptoms.
Speaker 3: I'd never looked it up.
Speaker 1: It literally was not.
Speaker 3: On my radar at all. Yeah, and I don't know
Speaker 3: if I have ADHD. Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
Speaker 3: But I guess my question is what advice do you
Speaker 3: have for people who believe that they potentially could have ADHD.
Speaker 4: I think my advice would definitely be do the research,
Speaker 4: but not just textbook research. Like, and I know that
Speaker 4: there's kind of like controversy around the sense of like
Speaker 4: obviously don't go watch one TikTok and diagnose yourself with ADHD.
Speaker 4: But also we've got this opportunity now where we live
Speaker 4: in you know, the age of videos, and we're actually
Speaker 4: able to see it play out in real life for
Speaker 4: a lot of people. So you know, go and watch
Speaker 4: you know, add tiktop is, see if you resonate with it.
Speaker 4: And then what I would then say is then go
Speaker 4: and have a look at the more I guess credible
Speaker 4: sources and really line it up and go, Okay, does
Speaker 4: this you know, does this align with what I'm experiencing.
Speaker 4: And like I said, with the hyperactivity, you know, don't
Speaker 4: just see it as black and white being like okay,
Speaker 4: well I don't run around or I can sit down
Speaker 4: on an aeroplane. I don't have hyperactivity. Look at the
Speaker 4: patterns in your life, you know, look at or the
Speaker 4: impulsivity for example. You know, impulsivity isn't just shopping issues.
Speaker 4: You know, it isn't just overspending issues. It can be
Speaker 4: you know, being in a relationship and you know, constantly
Speaker 4: interrupting or not being able to you know, I guess,
Speaker 4: let the other person say what they want to say,
Speaker 4: or you know, even if you do have that patience,
Speaker 4: it's having the thought in your head constantly trying to
Speaker 4: stop yourself from interrupting them. So I think, just look
Speaker 4: at the patterns and those kinds of I guess symptoms
Speaker 4: and how they might be presenting for you, and then
Speaker 4: I just say, you know, make a make a list
Speaker 4: of them, like your daily life, how does it show up,
Speaker 4: and then just try and see those patterns for yourself
Speaker 4: and then book in to a GP sooner than later,
Speaker 4: because there's a long list.
Speaker 2: List, isn't there. I do. I am that I do
Speaker 2: hate people that are saying, like when I got diagnosed,
Speaker 2: people around me were like, oh you as well, you've
Speaker 2: got to jumping on the BAM bandwagon all this sort
Speaker 2: of stuff, and I'm like, well no, I think that
Speaker 2: there's such an awareness now because of TikTok. Like I said,
Speaker 2: TikTok was the reason why I did. I saw a
Speaker 2: TikTok and literally the opening line was do you drink
Speaker 2: too much coffee? You you would you might have ADHD
Speaker 2: And I was like, well, fuck, all right, I've got yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So I was just like I was like, all right,
Speaker 2: I'll have a watch of this, and then I watched
Speaker 2: it and then like you know, Flick went to his
Speaker 2: profile and watched a couple more, and slowly my algorithm
Speaker 2: started becoming like you know ADHD stuff, and I was like, fuck,
Speaker 2: I'm taking a lot of these boxes, you know, really
Speaker 2: me Another half moment I had was and this was
Speaker 2: even before or I like even thought about ADHD was.
Speaker 2: I used to explain to my ex that I would
Speaker 2: say an orange. I would say, so, like you see
Speaker 2: an orange, you see an orange. I was like, if
Speaker 2: I see that orange, I'm going through my head. I'm like,
Speaker 2: how orange is that orange? If I juice it, how
Speaker 2: much juice will come out of it? If we will there
Speaker 2: be pulp? Why do they charge extra for oranges with pulp?
Speaker 2: Like you know, orange juice with pulp?
Speaker 4: And then you're thinking about apples.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then you go and then you go something else,
Speaker 2: and I was just like I and I saw you
Speaker 2: have like a one D mind. Mine is like four
Speaker 2: D and like you take it as an insult, but
Speaker 2: I didn't see it as an insult.
Speaker 3: It was like, I mean that sounds like an insult, no,
Speaker 3: but it's like one dye.
Speaker 2: I actually was like I'm sort of jealous in a
Speaker 2: way because like this is before I knew and I
Speaker 2: knew how to know it. I was like, I can't
Speaker 2: just see it for like what it is, like I'm
Speaker 2: over like thinking about it. And then like so that
Speaker 2: became like something that I had an a half moment.
Speaker 2: I don't know if you're the same.
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, I definitely experienced that. Yeah, definitely. We have
Speaker 4: those conversations quite a lot.
Speaker 7: I think I'm like, just we'll just do this today,
Speaker 7: Like no, I've got this one, that one, this that
Speaker 7: leads to that that that's for that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's actually it's something that comes It's something that's
Speaker 4: come up a lot as like a business owner, because
Speaker 4: everyone's like it's it's black and white.
Speaker 5: Just it's not.
Speaker 4: I can't just do that. I have to understand because
Speaker 4: I have to do that. I have to talk to
Speaker 4: that person. I don't have that skill. And it's like
Speaker 4: I end up with a list of twenty things and
Speaker 4: people like why are you overcomplicating it? And I'm like
Speaker 4: I'm not, this is what I have to do to
Speaker 4: get that done. And then they're like, no, you just
Speaker 4: write an email and I'm like no, it's not that easy.
Speaker 4: And that's like, that's like my saying it's not that easy,
Speaker 4: and they're like it is.
Speaker 2: I'm like, I remember one when I was like, we're
Speaker 2: putting we're going for a walk, like, let's go for
Speaker 2: a walk, and she put crocs on and I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: you're wearing crocs and she's like yeah, And then we
Speaker 2: got into this little thing and I was like no.
Speaker 2: But then in my mind, I'm like, if we're wearing crocs,
Speaker 2: it's not an athletical walk. It's just like a walk
Speaker 2: to the content. What am I wearing? Am I wearing
Speaker 2: the wrong glores? I wearn't you know? And I've gone
Speaker 2: like into this full spiral of thoughts when she's just like,
Speaker 2: chill the fuck out, We're going to go get a coffee,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, no, we're not, like what should I wear?
Speaker 5: You know what?
Speaker 2: I'm going on this fool like yeah, I was yah.
Speaker 2: I use that as an example of that sort of
Speaker 2: thing where it's not.
Speaker 3: Shoes on your best piece of advice in having an
Speaker 3: ADHD partner.
Speaker 7: There's a lot of advice, but the one I really
Speaker 7: kind of have told friends that have come to me
Speaker 7: and said they've got a partner with ADHD is just
Speaker 7: not a judge if they're doing something, if they're saying something,
Speaker 7: kind of being intrigued by it and asking them more
Speaker 7: about it, because then, as as Mattis said, he will
Speaker 7: tell that person that ten step process that he's actually
Speaker 7: going through for what he's actually thinking about. If you're
Speaker 7: not interested in it and you're just like we're just
Speaker 7: going for a walk, they're going to be like they're.
Speaker 4: Going to.
Speaker 5: About the crops.
Speaker 7: But yeah, I think as soon as you're interested about
Speaker 7: something that your partner with ADHD is interested in, it
Speaker 7: opens a lane of communication that you wouldn't have otherwise. Yeah,
Speaker 7: and then the miscommunication doesn't actually happen.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think you just accept me. Like I feel
Speaker 4: like that's just the biggest thing. And it's kind of
Speaker 4: like it's like what we were talking about before with the
Speaker 4: emotional dysregulation and all the things. Like I think the
Speaker 4: biggest thing in an ADHD relationship is it has to
Speaker 4: feel safe, Like I have to be able to feel safe.
Speaker 4: I shouldn't have the mask around my partner, Like that's
Speaker 4: I have the mask and every other facet of life.
Speaker 4: And it's kind of like coming home and it's actually
Speaker 4: it's not something I still as an adult, I feel
Speaker 4: this shame around it. But I may be having a
Speaker 4: meltdown and a tantrum like a kid. You not, I'm
Speaker 4: actually going to tell you this story. We went to
Speaker 4: lunch the other day and I ordered a steak and
Speaker 4: I was so excited for this staate, like.
Speaker 1: I it's like past. She's like, I know this story.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's right. I'd ordered this steak and I wanted
Speaker 4: it to be I think it was like medium cooked
Speaker 4: or whatever. And it came out and we'd waited like
Speaker 4: forty five minutes, so I hit the hangary stage as well,
Speaker 4: so my emotional dysregulation was already kicking in. And she
Speaker 4: hands me the steak and it was like I go
Speaker 4: to cut into it, and it was like it was
Speaker 4: too tall, like it was overcooked. And I was like,
Speaker 4: like there was so much dopamine attached to having a
Speaker 4: good steak that I was just like, I'm not going
Speaker 4: to get like I didn't say this in my head,
Speaker 4: but my brain was like there's no dopamine. Now everything sucks.
Speaker 4: Oh my god. And then I just started like tearing up.
Speaker 4: It's so dramatic to think about it, but I was like, bro,
Speaker 4: it's like it's okay, and I'm like, don't touch me.
Speaker 4: But like as a partner, like it's nice to know
Speaker 4: that I don't have to feel embarrassed about that. Like
Speaker 4: he he's not like Otara, what the hell? Like why
Speaker 4: are you crying? It's a steak, Like it's embarrassing, Like
Speaker 4: he's not putting that shame onto me. He's genuinely just
Speaker 4: like it's okay, Like, hey, what do you say. We're like,
Speaker 4: we'll get your cheeseburger on the way home, Like, don't stress.
Speaker 4: It's just nice. Like that's that's the acceptance that I'm
Speaker 4: talking about that he does really well.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I have one quite similar to that that,
Speaker 2: Like it was like, what do you call like a
Speaker 2: renowned relationship thing with my ex? And it comes down
Speaker 2: to Barry like understanding that situation. She didn't get it.
Speaker 2: Then all week I wanted this burger from Hungry Jacks
Speaker 2: like sorely ads constantly on TV. Saw it Mike and
Speaker 2: I was driving and I was like, that's what I want,
Speaker 2: and like you said, doping was like attached to it. Yeah,
Speaker 2: So we go get the burgers, we come back to
Speaker 2: our house and they've given me the wrong burger.
Speaker 4: Oh my god.
Speaker 2: I fucking lost it, like I lot and I was
Speaker 2: like and then she was like, she was like just
Speaker 2: eat this like it's this, this just doesn't have it
Speaker 2: was like nearly the same, and I was like, no,
Speaker 2: you don't understand. I started like telling it like I've
Speaker 2: been waiting all week from this. This is my cheap meal.
Speaker 2: I'm going to fucking kill myself if I eat a
Speaker 2: burger that I don't want to eat, Like it's I
Speaker 2: need to go for a run. I like lost it
Speaker 2: to the point where and then she was like, well, go,
Speaker 2: it's around the corner. And I want you to come
Speaker 2: with me. I want to go through the whole thing. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I want you to come with me. I want you
Speaker 2: to go through the drive through with me. I want
Speaker 2: to do the whole thing again and make it right.
Speaker 2: And she couldn't understand why I wanted to do that,
Speaker 2: and like I was going like I was really mad,
Speaker 2: like just and not at her at the situation, and
Speaker 2: she couldn't comprehend the difference of what it was like Yeah,
Speaker 2: like I was threatening to call people like I was,
Speaker 2: I was in real thing back like I was having
Speaker 2: a full break.
Speaker 7: Like gyg I've done that with good There's like a
Speaker 7: specific sauce that Tyler likes.
Speaker 4: Because we're going to go sit at the park and
Speaker 4: eat goose.
Speaker 5: Then that time, this is multiple times, twenty minutes to
Speaker 5: go get.
Speaker 2: That sauce because you have in your head and then
Speaker 2: you want it to be that way. I want to
Speaker 2: go through the drive through, come through, sit down and
Speaker 2: eat together. And it wasn't gonna happen. She's like, I'll
Speaker 2: stay here and eat im Like, no, I want you
Speaker 2: to come with me and I want to eat together
Speaker 2: at the same time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's really cool.
Speaker 4: The dope means not just attached to the food. It's
Speaker 4: the experience that it's like the whole It's like the
Speaker 4: whole picture that you get the dope mean from. Like
Speaker 4: with the steak. The reason I wasn't upset wasn't even
Speaker 4: half the thing to do with the steak. It was
Speaker 4: the fact that like everyone was eating. It was like
Speaker 4: we're meant to always sharing a meal, like with my
Speaker 4: family and like all this stuff, and it was just
Speaker 4: like I didn't want to have to ask the way
Speaker 4: to come over and make her feel bad and cause
Speaker 4: the whole situation anyway. So I fully get that. I
Speaker 4: fully get that that's so funny as a.
Speaker 3: Non ADHD person, Let's just say Matt's example, what, like,
Speaker 3: I guess, what's the best way to kind of like
Speaker 3: bring peace and harmony back to the situation or do
Speaker 3: you just ride the wave? What's like the best piece
Speaker 3: of advice?
Speaker 5: Ride the wave?
Speaker 7: Yeah, ride the wave and go with them and getting
Speaker 7: another burger, because, to be honest, is what they're just
Speaker 7: around the corner.
Speaker 4: Don't even in the sense that it's like, oh, how
Speaker 4: do we avoid a meltdown? Because then it makes you
Speaker 4: feel like a child as a partner, do you know
Speaker 4: what I mean? Like Barry and I we navigate this
Speaker 4: really well in the sense that it's like it's not
Speaker 4: a parent child dynamic, and that can be a trap
Speaker 4: that a lot of people with ADHD fall into in
Speaker 4: their relationships, where like the one partner feels like a parent,
Speaker 4: but then when you're a child or like you're in
Speaker 4: that thing, you feel like you're it's not a nice
Speaker 4: feeling as an adult to feel like a child, right,
Speaker 4: So don't coddle them, like, don't be like, oh, it's okay,
Speaker 4: Like it's all right, Like, don't treat us like a child.
Speaker 4: Just make it like a fun kind of like thing,
Speaker 4: Like just don't make it a big deal. Ride the wave.
Speaker 4: Really is it the worst case scenario turning around and
Speaker 4: eating it again. But I will say there is still
Speaker 4: onus or a sense of responsibility as the ADHD person.
Speaker 2: I agree.
Speaker 4: It's not like I just get to go I'm a maniac.
Speaker 4: I lose my shit. You just have to copy it,
Speaker 4: Like that's not cool either. There is the point at which,
Speaker 4: like I do think, if you've got ADHD, you've got
Speaker 4: this condition, it is your responsibility to build that awareness
Speaker 4: and education around yourself. Build the strategies, listen to podcasts,
Speaker 4: whatever it is you need to be able to educate yourself.
Speaker 4: Like I've learned to emotionally regulate, and I know that
Speaker 4: when the State thing happened, I needed to just go
Speaker 4: to the bathroom for ten minutes to just calm myself down.
Speaker 4: And I sat there and I was like, I'm regulated.
Speaker 4: I came back and I was sweet. But like, it's
Speaker 4: my responsibility as well.
Speaker 2: It's not just when I had that burger episode, I
Speaker 2: didn't know I had ADHD at that point. Neither of
Speaker 2: us knew what the fuck is going on. It's like
Speaker 2: something's not right, you know what I mean, A fully
Speaker 2: grown man at twenty seven should not be wigging out
Speaker 2: over a burger, I mean in my life.
Speaker 3: And I think that's such a like it's so good
Speaker 3: that there's so much awareness around ADHD now, because I
Speaker 3: can imagine that if you have ADHD and you're going
Speaker 3: through this scenario, there would be a point where you're like,
Speaker 3: this is probably my ADHD, and then you can be like, Okay,
Speaker 3: I'm going to try to like self regulate all that.
Speaker 2: It was just like, oh, like it would be shaken
Speaker 2: off as Matt's just a bit different, you know, and
Speaker 2: or that's just happening. Yeah, like it wasn't really, but.
Speaker 4: Like, yeah, there's shame about it. There's a sense of shame,
Speaker 4: whereas when and I think that's the power of a
Speaker 4: diagnosis and a self diagnosis in the sense it's like
Speaker 4: you actually get to say, oh, that's my that's the
Speaker 4: you know, my brain needing dopamine or you know, that's
Speaker 4: that's the emotional dysregulation happening, that's the rejection sensitivity happening.
Speaker 4: Like you can put names to it. And I think
Speaker 4: when you can put a name to something, it can
Speaker 4: you can decide what you do with like it gives
Speaker 4: it power and you can decide whether you let it
Speaker 4: rule you in a sense or you take control of
Speaker 4: it in that moment.
Speaker 7: Yeah, and I think I think two is the person
Speaker 7: without without ADHD.
Speaker 5: If you're looking.
Speaker 7: Forward to a stake or a burger or something for
Speaker 7: a week, you're also going to such a different point
Speaker 7: if you don't get the right.
Speaker 5: One or it's not as good.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I think you.
Speaker 5: Can notice that.
Speaker 7: Yeah, And I could see why my partner emphathize with
Speaker 7: them and go okay, I can see with the justsregulation
Speaker 7: why you would be at that point.
Speaker 3: There's nothing else than getting a bad meal at a
Speaker 3: restaurant when you're playing, Like the prices in Melbourne, they're
Speaker 3: like a meal at this point, Like it's crazy.
Speaker 2: Stay thirty six, maybe forty, don't get we.
Speaker 4: Started on that. We won't do it. I get you
Speaker 4: with that.
Speaker 3: Can you guys talk us through toxic eighty HD dating cycles?
Speaker 1: Is that what it's called?
Speaker 4: Yes? Yes, I I don't even know where that like
Speaker 4: title came from. I just like I made a video
Speaker 4: like probably a year or two ago about it, and
Speaker 4: then it seemed to stick within the community. I called
Speaker 4: it the I call it the toxic ADHD like love
Speaker 4: cycle or whatever you want to call it. So I've
Speaker 4: actually written it down because I didn't want to give
Speaker 4: the order rolls and I do it. I was gonna
Speaker 4: and I felt like it was going to come up.
Speaker 4: So it was kind of what we've been talking about
Speaker 4: as like throughout this episode. But the first step. I
Speaker 4: always say that it's like six stages that we kind
Speaker 4: of go through, and it's like, the first step is
Speaker 4: we fall hard and fast, so the dopamines up there,
Speaker 4: serotonin's up there, We're just like, oh my god. Then
Speaker 4: we go through the hyperfixation slash like obsession stage, and
Speaker 4: this is where it's like, you know, and it can
Speaker 4: get a little toxic. And this is where the toxic
Speaker 4: start like comes into it. You can get that jealousy,
Speaker 4: you can get those really intense insecurities because you're so
Speaker 4: hyper fixated on that other, that new person, right. You
Speaker 4: can also in that stage really lose yourself. So I
Speaker 4: I don't know about you, Matt, but like there's been
Speaker 4: times where I'm not I don't play soccer, and I
Speaker 4: might have met someone that likes soccer and I'm like,
Speaker 4: I like soccer out and I'm like out buying boots
Speaker 4: next week, joining like a soccer club, Like so strange,
Speaker 4: but like, do you know what I mean? Like you
Speaker 4: just lose yourself in that person's interest that it's like
Speaker 4: you just ditch all your own kind of thing. Then
Speaker 4: the next stage is you, a lot of the time
Speaker 4: become convinced that they are the one. So that's where
Speaker 4: like a lot of people with ADHD actually end up
Speaker 4: finding themselves in really toxic relationships or dating narcissists because
Speaker 4: you'd miss the red flags when you instantly fall for them.
Speaker 4: The love's there, you know, you've already attached to them,
Speaker 4: you've already connected to them, You've gone through the hyper
Speaker 4: focus and obsession stage, which means your lives are like
Speaker 4: glued together. And then now you're convinced they're the one,
Speaker 4: right irregardless of anything else, everyone in your life, everyone
Speaker 4: in your life being like oh no to yourself, yeah, anyway,
Speaker 4: that's a story for another day. And then once you
Speaker 4: can inserer the one or you're like, oh my god,
Speaker 4: this is my person, you rush into things. Right, So
Speaker 4: you guys, might buy a dog together. You guys might
Speaker 4: move in together really quickly. You might booking overseas, you
Speaker 4: might book an overseas holiday in together. Like, there's just
Speaker 4: a lot of things that you rush into. And again,
Speaker 4: when you're rushing into these things and you're missing the
Speaker 4: red flags, you're getting yourself further and further into a
Speaker 4: toxic relationship that is going to be trickier to get
Speaker 4: out of, and not always it can just be a
Speaker 4: relationship that isn't ideal. Then you usually go through the
Speaker 4: bottom and loss of interest stage. And this is kind
Speaker 4: of just like the way I describe this is people
Speaker 4: of that at HD often talk about the fact that
Speaker 4: they change hobbies left, right and center right. You might
Speaker 4: be into surfing one week, go buy surfboard next minute.
Speaker 4: Next week, you're playing guitar, or you're starting a podcast,
Speaker 4: whatever it is. You're constantly changing hobbies and there's all
Speaker 4: this dopamine attached to that hobby. And it's the same
Speaker 4: pattern in this toxic love cycle. It's like we follow
Speaker 4: the same pattern with hobbies and then we lose interest
Speaker 4: and then we get bored and we start a new one.
Speaker 4: So that same thing applies to relationships. In the sense
Speaker 4: that you're dating this new person, all these crazy intense
Speaker 4: feelings you're feeling are like, ugh, okay, don't know if
Speaker 4: I'm feeling that anymore, and your brain's craving that dopamine
Speaker 4: spike again, that dopamine of finding someone new. And there's
Speaker 4: actually a lot of a lot of research that's gone
Speaker 4: into ADHD relationships and a lot there's a lot of
Speaker 4: infidelity and cheating in ADHD relationships that yeah, it can
Speaker 4: be a pretty intense pattern. And then yeah, a lot
Speaker 4: of people then just move on or quickly rebound into
Speaker 4: a new relationship and find themselves into that cycle again.
Speaker 3: Right, And how do you break the site For anyone
Speaker 3: listening who can really resonate with what you just said.
Speaker 4: I think it's awareness. It's awareness. It's like, yeah, it's
Speaker 4: like anything. If you're not aware of it, you don't
Speaker 4: know what's happening. Like I went through this cycle my
Speaker 4: whole life. Like I was infatuated with boys when I
Speaker 4: was really young, and it started really early in the
Speaker 4: teenage years, and I'd get myself into situations and it
Speaker 4: was just this cycle that just continued and it wasn't
Speaker 4: until yeah, like I understood the cycle that happens for
Speaker 4: me with hobbies and with like jobs and other things
Speaker 4: that I was like, damn, this is a pattern, not
Speaker 4: just in you know, that area of my life. This
Speaker 4: is a pattern in my romantic kind of situations. And
Speaker 4: I just think awareness is it's something. It's like, we
Speaker 4: don't give it enough power, but having the awareness of
Speaker 4: something is honestly the most powerful thing because you can
Speaker 4: call yourself out on it. You know, you get to
Speaker 4: actually go okay, I'm you know. So we Barry and
Speaker 4: I when we hit that stage, when I was hitting
Speaker 4: that light, I was looking for that that hit of
Speaker 4: dope for meine again, that excitement. I was aware enough
Speaker 4: to be able to go okay. So at the moment
Speaker 4: I'm in that stage where I'm like wanting to jump ship,
Speaker 4: I'm wanting to have something exciting in my life, I'm
Speaker 4: not going to do that. And it was hard, Like
Speaker 4: it was like a good month or two where I
Speaker 4: really had to sit with those intense emotions of the
Speaker 4: boredom because again, like we were saying at the start
Speaker 4: of the episode, I was feeling that intense boredom right,
Speaker 4: I was feeling and it wasn't anything too a bar
Speaker 4: it was literally just myself. You're not You're not worried.
Speaker 4: But it was just like like we said before, it's
Speaker 4: riding that wave, understanding it. I knew I was experiencing it.
Speaker 3: And then yeah, just can I ask how long into
Speaker 3: your relationship did that happen?
Speaker 5: I don't even know. Six months?
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, it was very odd and off at the start.
Speaker 7: Two years, two years we've we've lived with each other
Speaker 7: for seven Yeah.
Speaker 4: That's yeah.
Speaker 3: Oh wow.
Speaker 6: Notice just just like house house.
Speaker 4: Look like I moved to the Gold Coast when I
Speaker 4: finished high school straight away and I just moved into
Speaker 4: this massive, like share house situation, and I had like
Speaker 4: eight housemates and then one of them moved out. Barry
Speaker 4: ended up being the stranger that moved in. And then
Speaker 4: over the years we just kind of like as friends,
Speaker 4: like fully as friends. We just kind of went from
Speaker 4: that house to another house and then moved to this
Speaker 4: house which we're currently in. And yeah, we were just
Speaker 4: friends that whole time. And basically we fell in love
Speaker 4: during COVID because we were stuck in a house together.
Speaker 2: Were you in separate rooms? Then?
Speaker 4: Yeah, we weren't roommates, just how smith.
Speaker 3: And then and then in COVID. They're like, actually, we
Speaker 3: don't want to pay for two rooms anymore.
Speaker 5: No, I didn't get a choice. You were upstairs.
Speaker 4: It's funny when I think about that now because we're
Speaker 4: just talking about that cycle. So I just got out
Speaker 4: of a toxic relationship. I just graduated UNI. We were
Speaker 4: out on the town and the Gold Coast. That sounds
Speaker 4: so old, but anyway, we were having a night out
Speaker 4: and I got really wasted, basically, and Barry and I,
Speaker 4: I don't know, I like this. Apparently I was like
Speaker 4: dancing and grinding up on Barrier, which has never happened
Speaker 4: in like seven years in partying and friendship. And yeah,
Speaker 4: and then obviously he was like not bad.
Speaker 5: And you remember the bits where I was in the
Speaker 5: whole thing.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: The next morning was like, yeah, you were.
Speaker 4: It was weird, but yeah, So after that we ended
Speaker 4: up kissing that night. Nothing else happened. Came home the
Speaker 4: next morning, I texted Barry and I was like, what
Speaker 4: happened last night? And I thought, which I know now
Speaker 4: to be true, but I thought that we had like
Speaker 4: these crazy chemistry and like all the feelings and stuff
Speaker 4: from that kiss. And I texted him, I was like, hey, like,
Speaker 4: did you feel that also or did it just feel
Speaker 4: weird like you know friends, and Barry's like, now it
Speaker 4: felt weird. I'm like, okay, cool, that's never spinking about again, man,
Speaker 4: Like yes, and it was. It was so like awkward.
Speaker 4: And then anyway, so nothing happened for like six months
Speaker 4: after that until March in COVID And yeah, one one
Speaker 4: day I was just laying on the couch and Barry
Speaker 4: started throwing pillows at me.
Speaker 5: And I was like, that's not my move, okay, And
Speaker 5: I was like.
Speaker 4: What the hell, because in my head I was like, oh,
Speaker 4: he said that it was weird, like he would never
Speaker 4: go there again that obviously. But yeah, then the next
Speaker 4: day the pillows kept coming, and then I was like,
Speaker 4: in my hyperfixation stage, I was like, I'm not going
Speaker 4: to work for the next three days, so I wanted
Speaker 4: to see you for three days just to like see
Speaker 4: what was happening. And then yeah, he ended up like
Speaker 4: leaning over and kissing me, and then the rest was history.
Speaker 4: We tried to keep it on like the d L
Speaker 4: but yeah, it is.
Speaker 3: That is a very cute story, the killer throwing.
Speaker 1: It's all very cute. I love it.
Speaker 2: I mean, was that your game plan when you were
Speaker 2: throwing the pillows or we.
Speaker 5: Don't call out, I mean probably.
Speaker 2: Is that you're flirting. Yeah, it's.
Speaker 4: But then I asked him, I was like, so did
Speaker 4: the kids, Like were you lying when you said it
Speaker 4: was just friends? Because like I was cut deep. And
Speaker 4: then he's like, yeah, it.
Speaker 1: Was like yeah, is it because we didn't want to
Speaker 1: make it awkward in the house.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 7: I think we were friends for so long that I
Speaker 7: think at the beginning it was like, we don't want
Speaker 7: to ruin the friendship because then if this goes sideways,
Speaker 7: are in point, it would ruin the friendship. But I
Speaker 7: just I think it's just the fact that we're doing
Speaker 7: that actually started ruining the friendship.
Speaker 5: I think.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's good though, that you guys were
Speaker 2: friends before, so you had a little bit of an
Speaker 2: understanding before you went into it, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: around the house and it's not just all new and
Speaker 2: you're like, what the fuck's going on? Yeah?
Speaker 4: Exactly.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: At we also met and knew each other's exes, every
Speaker 4: single one of us, so that added another layer to different.
Speaker 3: I mean, that's anxiety when it comes to intimacy and ADHD.
Speaker 1: Why is it more complicated?
Speaker 4: Matt, I want to ask you this. I was gonna say,
Speaker 4: what have you experienced like when it comes to intimacy
Speaker 4: being complicated?
Speaker 2: Oh geez.
Speaker 4: No. The reason the reason I was asking is because
Speaker 4: like I know a lot as in like we actually
Speaker 4: actually run a course on this. It's called the seven
Speaker 4: Day ADHD Intimacy Challenge, and it's designed to help people
Speaker 4: with ADHD navigate this whole thing. So I was more
Speaker 4: curious from like, it's just like, I think one of
Speaker 4: the biggest things is like lack of connection. So obviously,
Speaker 4: as someone with ADHD, you know, you can be really
Speaker 4: disconnected from your partner really easily without realizing, so constantly,
Speaker 4: you know, going to work, coming home from the gym,
Speaker 4: Like we were saying before, it's like you're get in
Speaker 4: this cycle and it's like you can't stop. So then
Speaker 4: because you can't stop, you kind of can't connect sometimes.
Speaker 4: So there's this disconnect. So when you then obviously go
Speaker 4: to I guess I think the desire just isn't there
Speaker 4: a lot of the time for people with ADHD. So
Speaker 4: and I guess it's also not black and white in
Speaker 4: that sense in the idea that like there's libido variations,
Speaker 4: So you either have a really intense high sex drive
Speaker 4: where that's all that you can think about, or it's
Speaker 4: on the under end of the spectrum where it's like
Speaker 4: you're not thinking about it, like it's just caput. So
Speaker 4: that can be really hard to navigate, and it's not
Speaker 4: a constant thing. So you might have found that it's like,
Speaker 4: you know, for a couple of months, you're hyper focused
Speaker 4: on sex, it's all you can think about, and then
Speaker 4: it's like you haven't thought about it in two months
Speaker 4: and you haven't realized that.
Speaker 2: I had that exact problem in most of my relationships. Yeah,
Speaker 2: when I was there like well, like calm down, I'm like, no,
Speaker 2: I need to do it like me, and then like then,
Speaker 2: like you know, they'd just be like a couple of
Speaker 2: months later that what's going on now you're not even interested?
Speaker 2: And I'm like I don't know, I'm just not like,
Speaker 2: I'm just I can't I can't explain to you. Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah. In the ADHD world, we call that the all
Speaker 4: or nothing mindset, and we have that when it comes
Speaker 4: to everything.
Speaker 3: Basically I've got that.
Speaker 4: Yeah, So it's like all or nothing with everything, like
Speaker 4: you're all in or you're all out, Like it's that's
Speaker 4: kind of thing, but it kind of in addition to that,
Speaker 4: like that's one of the things that we struggle with.
Speaker 4: But another thing is like overstimulation. So like obviously when
Speaker 4: you're having intercourse, it's like breathing. You can feel it,
Speaker 4: you can hear it, you can smell it. It's like
Speaker 4: you're kind of getting distracted by things that your average
Speaker 4: person wouldn't get distracted by. Yes, that's a big one
Speaker 4: all the time.
Speaker 2: What the is that about that?
Speaker 5: I've got to do that tomorrow?
Speaker 4: Yeah, if I.
Speaker 2: Put that away in the.
Speaker 4: Fridge, And that's where that disconnect happens, because obviously your
Speaker 4: partner is going to be able to feel you're not
Speaker 4: into it, right, So it's kind of like, yeah, it
Speaker 4: can cause a real disconnect. So there's a lot of
Speaker 4: things you can do. I feel like my brain's like going.
Speaker 5: Breath sometimes, temperature of the breath.
Speaker 4: Away from me. It's stop moaning in my face.
Speaker 2: I don't mind that. I don't know something sometimes I've
Speaker 2: had experiences I'm not going to say.
Speaker 3: But you were saying that you like don't care about
Speaker 3: breath at all during sex like that, Like will pull
Speaker 3: out as retainer and be like straight into it, whereas
Speaker 3: like for me is like a big deal, like I'm like.
Speaker 1: You need to go brush your teeth. Yeah, thinking about.
Speaker 3: This that doesn't do that's sort of like that's like
Speaker 3: math's going into sex with retainer breath, Like that's a
Speaker 3: red flag.
Speaker 4: That is a red flag.
Speaker 2: I'll just take it out, Like I actually say, she
Speaker 2: could hear it from the out and put on the
Speaker 2: thing and she knew what was going on then.
Speaker 4: Of focus, she's acting on the impulse.
Speaker 2: Now there's something that I'd find that would throw me off,
Speaker 2: like the slightest like body language thing, and I'd be like, oh,
Speaker 2: what does she mean by that? And then like I'd
Speaker 2: just spiral in my own head and start thinking about
Speaker 2: like other stuff. Or I have like a core memory
Speaker 2: from when i was like thirteen, and I'm starting thinking
Speaker 2: about that and I'm like it, all of.
Speaker 4: A sudden, that's probably your rejection sensitivity. So that that
Speaker 4: can be a really big thing in the intimacy, but
Speaker 4: in like having sex and stuff as an ADHD, because
Speaker 4: it's kind of like like what you were saying, when
Speaker 4: their body changes or you know, they move back and
Speaker 4: you kind of trying to read what's happening for them.
Speaker 4: Instantly you can kind of be like, oh, they don't
Speaker 4: think I'm attractive, or like, oh I did something gross,
Speaker 4: so maybe my breath smells or like, oh did that
Speaker 4: taste weird? Or like it's kind of like you instantly
Speaker 4: go into this like fear response and rejections. Sensitivity is
Speaker 4: like a massive thing. Yeah, which it's It really plays
Speaker 4: out particularly in sex because it's the person you're closest with, right, So,
Speaker 4: like the fear of rejection is going to be so
Speaker 4: much more intense because they're like the last person on
Speaker 4: this earth you want to not like you or think
Speaker 4: you're growth as well.
Speaker 2: That like I always would say, like I just want to, like,
Speaker 2: you know, if we have an argument or something, I'd
Speaker 2: want them to like forgive and let it go because
Speaker 2: I didn't want them to be angry and hate me.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that is guys, this has been such an
Speaker 3: interesting chart.
Speaker 1: We have to go, but I'm so sad.
Speaker 3: I feel like we're gonna have to get you guys
Speaker 3: on the podcast again because this.
Speaker 1: Is like a whole new world to Matt and to me.
Speaker 3: I feel like it's just been so interesting a lot
Speaker 3: of this episode.
Speaker 1: Needs to be like the aha adhd.
Speaker 3: Thank you for your wisdom. I feel like we're going
Speaker 3: to have you on again. It's been so interesting. We
Speaker 3: really appreciate your time.
Speaker 2: Thank you, thank you so much.
Speaker 4: Thanks for chatting with us, Agh