1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:12,681 Speaker 1: Apoge Production. I need your advice. Are you okay? 2 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:13,361 Speaker 2: What happened? 3 00:00:14,001 --> 00:00:18,401 Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome 4 00:00:18,521 --> 00:00:26,241 Speaker 1: to our Bestie Segment, Girl, this is the place for you. 5 00:00:26,641 --> 00:00:29,441 Speaker 3: Welcome back to another Besties Segment episode. 6 00:00:29,561 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 1: I'm Tiana and I'm Ashley. Thanks for joining us. 7 00:00:32,201 --> 00:00:34,921 Speaker 3: And my goodness, do we have a sticky situation today? 8 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:36,201 Speaker 1: What's the title of this one? 9 00:00:36,281 --> 00:00:38,481 Speaker 3: The title of this one is when you realize he's 10 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:42,481 Speaker 3: not the one but you're already married. Oh ok, let's 11 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:43,720 Speaker 3: get into it. What have you got for us? 12 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:44,120 Speaker 1: Ashy? 13 00:00:44,281 --> 00:00:47,440 Speaker 2: I met my husband at nineteen, I'm now thirty one, 14 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,400 Speaker 2: married for a few years, and have a child with 15 00:00:49,441 --> 00:00:52,281 Speaker 2: him too. Now they're older and more wise, I wish 16 00:00:52,361 --> 00:00:55,401 Speaker 2: I'd realized he is not the one for me. He 17 00:00:55,521 --> 00:00:58,880 Speaker 2: is stingy, not good in bed, he lacks social skills, 18 00:00:59,081 --> 00:01:01,921 Speaker 2: he's not funny, and barely has any deep conversations with 19 00:01:01,961 --> 00:01:05,241 Speaker 2: me about our relationship, our child, our child's future, etc. 20 00:01:05,561 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 2: And I am stuck in this. I know he loves 21 00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:10,481 Speaker 2: me and he is a good person, but not someone 22 00:01:10,481 --> 00:01:13,200 Speaker 2: I wanted or saw myself being with with my children 23 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:15,881 Speaker 2: as a father, I can't leave because I'm financially dependent 24 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,921 Speaker 2: on him, and if I leave, it's against my culture, 25 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:20,601 Speaker 2: and my family definitely won't be supportive of my decision. 26 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:23,440 Speaker 2: They think he's God's send and that I'm extremely happy 27 00:01:23,481 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 2: in my life when I'm not. I've had deep conversations 28 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,200 Speaker 2: with him and he says he will change. He does 29 00:01:28,241 --> 00:01:29,801 Speaker 2: it for once. Two weeks and we are back to 30 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,521 Speaker 2: square one. I have tried to send him to therapy 31 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,401 Speaker 2: to do marriage counseling, but he acts different and never changes. 32 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,441 Speaker 2: He's not abusive or anything of that sort, but I 33 00:01:38,601 --> 00:01:40,721 Speaker 2: just know he is not the one for me. Our 34 00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,881 Speaker 2: child loves him so much, and the thought of leaving 35 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,840 Speaker 2: him and my child not having him around all the 36 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:48,001 Speaker 2: time makes me so upset and makes me feel selfish 37 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,121 Speaker 2: to take that away from my son. I pretend to 38 00:01:50,161 --> 00:01:52,321 Speaker 2: be happy, but when I see others and the relationship 39 00:01:52,361 --> 00:01:54,841 Speaker 2: they have, I know I've ruined my life by marrying him. 40 00:01:55,161 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 2: I was young and insecure, and coming from a strict home. 41 00:01:58,121 --> 00:02:00,161 Speaker 2: I wanted to be out because of my religion and culture. 42 00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:02,561 Speaker 2: I decided to marry him and just live life. He 43 00:02:02,601 --> 00:02:05,321 Speaker 2: has no goals, he doesn't want to grow to have 44 00:02:05,361 --> 00:02:08,081 Speaker 2: any plans, and just work to provide and that's it. 45 00:02:08,401 --> 00:02:10,761 Speaker 2: Am I the problem here? Please keep this private. 46 00:02:10,961 --> 00:02:13,960 Speaker 3: Oh, I don't think that you're the problem, babe. 47 00:02:14,041 --> 00:02:16,440 Speaker 1: The relationship is just not it for both of you. 48 00:02:16,641 --> 00:02:19,161 Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, you're definitely not the problem. And I can 49 00:02:19,201 --> 00:02:21,240 Speaker 3: see why you might go to that place in your 50 00:02:21,281 --> 00:02:23,881 Speaker 3: mind of thinking that you are the problem, because it 51 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,561 Speaker 3: sounds like you're internalizing all of the things that you're 52 00:02:26,561 --> 00:02:28,881 Speaker 3: thinking and feeling because you don't have a support system 53 00:02:28,921 --> 00:02:32,081 Speaker 3: around you. But if you had people around you who 54 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,481 Speaker 3: cared about what you wanted and what was right for 55 00:02:34,601 --> 00:02:37,440 Speaker 3: you and genuinely wanted to see you happy, they would 56 00:02:37,441 --> 00:02:39,161 Speaker 3: tell you what we're about to tell you, which is 57 00:02:39,641 --> 00:02:42,120 Speaker 3: this relationship is not for you, and you're allowed to 58 00:02:42,201 --> 00:02:43,921 Speaker 3: leave if your body is screaming. 59 00:02:43,561 --> 00:02:45,240 Speaker 1: No, one hundred percent. 60 00:02:45,401 --> 00:02:48,041 Speaker 2: And you've also been conditioned, yeah, to stay in the 61 00:02:48,041 --> 00:02:49,761 Speaker 2: marriage like that is the right thing to do by 62 00:02:49,761 --> 00:02:52,081 Speaker 2: your culture, which I know you're trying to respect. But yeah, 63 00:02:52,081 --> 00:02:53,881 Speaker 2: if your body is screaming no, and you just know 64 00:02:53,921 --> 00:02:56,560 Speaker 2: and you're not happy, you literally have one life to live. 65 00:02:56,881 --> 00:02:59,721 Speaker 2: One thing I always think about as well, is we 66 00:02:59,761 --> 00:03:01,800 Speaker 2: care about our kids so much, right, all of us 67 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 2: as parents say I would do anything for my kid, 68 00:03:04,441 --> 00:03:06,121 Speaker 2: I would do any to make sure they have the 69 00:03:06,121 --> 00:03:09,881 Speaker 2: best life possible. For me, the quality of my life 70 00:03:09,921 --> 00:03:12,681 Speaker 2: is based on the quality of my relationships. If I 71 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,121 Speaker 2: am not a walking role model for my children and 72 00:03:15,121 --> 00:03:18,120 Speaker 2: the relationships I have in my life, they're washing, They're 73 00:03:18,161 --> 00:03:21,161 Speaker 2: soaking up everything. You're showing them what normal is and 74 00:03:21,161 --> 00:03:23,241 Speaker 2: what's to be expected. So if you guys are not 75 00:03:23,281 --> 00:03:26,201 Speaker 2: communicating well, you're not growing together, you're not intimate, you're 76 00:03:26,201 --> 00:03:28,961 Speaker 2: not cuddly, you're not loving on each other, that is 77 00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:30,520 Speaker 2: what your son's going to look for. That is how 78 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,721 Speaker 2: he's going to treat his future wife. And you can 79 00:03:32,761 --> 00:03:35,561 Speaker 2: see how unhappy you are and how unhappy your husband 80 00:03:35,601 --> 00:03:37,321 Speaker 2: would be just as unhappy right now as what you 81 00:03:37,361 --> 00:03:40,081 Speaker 2: are both of you in this. Your son's seeing that. 82 00:03:40,081 --> 00:03:42,601 Speaker 2: That's what he's learning is to be expected and to 83 00:03:42,601 --> 00:03:44,441 Speaker 2: be normal. So if you're not going to just do 84 00:03:44,481 --> 00:03:46,481 Speaker 2: it for yourself, like do it for your son as well, 85 00:03:46,521 --> 00:03:48,001 Speaker 2: and do it for your husband too, because none of 86 00:03:48,041 --> 00:03:48,681 Speaker 2: you are happy. 87 00:03:48,521 --> 00:03:50,001 Speaker 1: There, none of you are thriving. 88 00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:51,961 Speaker 2: You're getting by each day, and you're doing what you 89 00:03:52,081 --> 00:03:53,921 Speaker 2: quote unquote you think is the right thing to do. 90 00:03:54,521 --> 00:03:56,721 Speaker 2: But the right thing is what's right for you and 91 00:03:56,761 --> 00:03:59,401 Speaker 2: only you can make that decision. And co parenting, I 92 00:03:59,441 --> 00:04:01,921 Speaker 2: cannot even begin to imagine. I have girlfriends that do it, 93 00:04:01,961 --> 00:04:05,161 Speaker 2: that have gone through messy divorces, have lost everything, who 94 00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:07,841 Speaker 2: have had to start again, who some have the kids 95 00:04:07,961 --> 00:04:10,041 Speaker 2: full time and that is so hard, and others have 96 00:04:10,081 --> 00:04:11,601 Speaker 2: their kids fifty percent of the time and that is 97 00:04:11,641 --> 00:04:13,161 Speaker 2: so hard because they miss out on fifty percent of 98 00:04:13,161 --> 00:04:15,681 Speaker 2: their life. Yeah, what dad does is sobjec to what 99 00:04:15,721 --> 00:04:17,601 Speaker 2: they do. And then they come back together and it's 100 00:04:17,641 --> 00:04:21,880 Speaker 2: like different rules, different All of it is messy and hard. However, 101 00:04:22,081 --> 00:04:25,361 Speaker 2: I think putting yourself as a priority and making yourself 102 00:04:25,401 --> 00:04:28,201 Speaker 2: happy long term and short term, it's going to be 103 00:04:28,241 --> 00:04:29,681 Speaker 2: so beneficial for everyone involved. 104 00:04:29,721 --> 00:04:31,121 Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely. 105 00:04:31,121 --> 00:04:34,121 Speaker 3: I love what you just shared because it's so interesting 106 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:37,361 Speaker 3: when you are in the marriage and you stay like 107 00:04:37,841 --> 00:04:40,921 Speaker 3: even for yourself, for everyone around, like they're not getting 108 00:04:40,961 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 3: the best version of you because deep down you're so 109 00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,921 Speaker 3: disconnected from what you truly want and feel like you 110 00:04:46,001 --> 00:04:48,241 Speaker 3: have to miss out on the kind of life and 111 00:04:48,281 --> 00:04:50,161 Speaker 3: the quality of life that you want to live because 112 00:04:50,161 --> 00:04:53,121 Speaker 3: you are truly unhappy inside. So when you show up 113 00:04:53,121 --> 00:04:56,641 Speaker 3: in everyday life that feeling, that sadness, that feeling disconnected, 114 00:04:56,681 --> 00:04:59,440 Speaker 3: that feeling out of alignment with what you actually want 115 00:04:59,521 --> 00:05:01,401 Speaker 3: is going to seep out into everything that you do, 116 00:05:01,481 --> 00:05:03,760 Speaker 3: including how you show up for yourself, how you show 117 00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:05,880 Speaker 3: up as a family member, how you as a parent. 118 00:05:06,241 --> 00:05:08,041 Speaker 3: You know, there are pros and cons to everything, right, 119 00:05:08,121 --> 00:05:10,161 Speaker 3: but on the flip side of that, if you were 120 00:05:10,241 --> 00:05:13,841 Speaker 3: to leave, what your children are going to get is 121 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 3: that you're going to be able to give them the 122 00:05:15,641 --> 00:05:18,481 Speaker 3: best version of you always. You know, and I think. 123 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,401 Speaker 2: Feel that you're not happy, Yeah, maybe we don't give 124 00:05:21,401 --> 00:05:22,561 Speaker 2: them enough credit for what they know. 125 00:05:22,801 --> 00:05:26,721 Speaker 3: Absolutely, and it's important for you to show also your 126 00:05:26,761 --> 00:05:29,801 Speaker 3: son when you aren't happy, you're allowed to walk away. 127 00:05:29,961 --> 00:05:32,561 Speaker 3: You're going to give him the permission to choose himself 128 00:05:32,601 --> 00:05:35,041 Speaker 3: in the moments that feel really hard, so that you 129 00:05:35,081 --> 00:05:37,760 Speaker 3: are the walking role model of if you don't feel happy, 130 00:05:37,761 --> 00:05:40,880 Speaker 3: if you don't feel aligned, you can start again, you 131 00:05:40,921 --> 00:05:44,121 Speaker 3: can leave. It's never too late. You can always switch 132 00:05:44,201 --> 00:05:46,361 Speaker 3: and change route if it doesn't feel good for you. 133 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,361 Speaker 3: And that's what you get to give yourself permission in 134 00:05:49,401 --> 00:05:51,880 Speaker 3: this And I could imagine how hard it would be, 135 00:05:52,001 --> 00:05:53,520 Speaker 3: especially when you come from a culture. 136 00:05:53,681 --> 00:05:56,401 Speaker 2: That's why I don't feel qualified, but I have never 137 00:05:56,521 --> 00:05:59,961 Speaker 2: experienced the cultural side of marriage. But I imagine, does 138 00:06:00,041 --> 00:06:01,601 Speaker 2: this mean that if you were to get a divorce, 139 00:06:02,081 --> 00:06:04,321 Speaker 2: that your parents disown you and you're out of the 140 00:06:04,361 --> 00:06:07,001 Speaker 2: family because that have and some cultures, And what does 141 00:06:07,001 --> 00:06:08,841 Speaker 2: that look like for you? Is the pain of that 142 00:06:09,161 --> 00:06:11,841 Speaker 2: greater than the pain of staying in a marriage or 143 00:06:11,921 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 2: is the pain of that something you have to learn 144 00:06:14,561 --> 00:06:17,081 Speaker 2: to live with in order to choose yourself and find 145 00:06:17,121 --> 00:06:19,881 Speaker 2: happiness and find people in your life that actually want 146 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,121 Speaker 2: to see you happy and care more about how you 147 00:06:22,161 --> 00:06:24,880 Speaker 2: feel than what it looks like on the outside or 148 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,801 Speaker 2: what's perceived to be right. I'm not in it, so 149 00:06:27,841 --> 00:06:30,481 Speaker 2: I can't say exactly what I do, but I assume 150 00:06:30,521 --> 00:06:33,681 Speaker 2: I would want to choose my own happiness because tomorrow's 151 00:06:33,721 --> 00:06:35,401 Speaker 2: not promised, and I would hate to get to ady 152 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,041 Speaker 2: and look back and go, oh my gosh, I just 153 00:06:37,121 --> 00:06:41,241 Speaker 2: lived a whole life, a whole marriage, absolutely fucking miserable 154 00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:44,640 Speaker 2: to make my parents happy. Yeah, Like no, that's like 155 00:06:44,721 --> 00:06:45,681 Speaker 2: breaks my heart, of. 156 00:06:45,641 --> 00:06:47,241 Speaker 3: Course, And I get it as well. The fear that 157 00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,481 Speaker 3: you have around that is so valid too, you know, 158 00:06:49,521 --> 00:06:51,601 Speaker 3: because it's obviously the people that you love and you 159 00:06:51,681 --> 00:06:54,841 Speaker 3: care about, you know, And there your people, They're your tribe. 160 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,880 Speaker 3: They're the love that you care about the most, and 161 00:06:56,921 --> 00:07:00,361 Speaker 3: so care what they think, yes importantly, So to fear 162 00:07:00,561 --> 00:07:03,601 Speaker 3: potentially losing them or to make them unhappy, I get 163 00:07:03,681 --> 00:07:05,721 Speaker 3: would be a strong I have a fore you to 164 00:07:05,761 --> 00:07:09,001 Speaker 3: want to stay, you know, But it's also like they 165 00:07:09,001 --> 00:07:11,121 Speaker 3: don't have to live your life day to day. They're 166 00:07:11,161 --> 00:07:14,641 Speaker 3: not the ones sleeping with your partner, having conversations with 167 00:07:14,721 --> 00:07:17,161 Speaker 3: your partner, or lack of conversation, or lack of right 168 00:07:17,321 --> 00:07:20,881 Speaker 3: you know, experiencing that emotional disconnect and that emotional lack 169 00:07:20,921 --> 00:07:23,681 Speaker 3: of safety. I would say, you know, every single day, 170 00:07:23,761 --> 00:07:26,241 Speaker 3: only you will know what that feels like. So if 171 00:07:26,281 --> 00:07:28,641 Speaker 3: you don't have anybody in your life who is supporting you, 172 00:07:29,321 --> 00:07:31,481 Speaker 3: is that something you can look at bringing somebody in 173 00:07:31,481 --> 00:07:33,961 Speaker 3: your life who can support you through the challenges that 174 00:07:34,041 --> 00:07:36,881 Speaker 3: you would face if you were to make this decision 175 00:07:36,921 --> 00:07:38,561 Speaker 3: and to choose yourself. 176 00:07:38,241 --> 00:07:41,361 Speaker 2: I would assume there's like Facebook forums and groups that 177 00:07:41,521 --> 00:07:43,561 Speaker 2: have women in a similar position to you from your 178 00:07:43,561 --> 00:07:45,921 Speaker 2: culture that are going through something, that have been through 179 00:07:45,921 --> 00:07:47,801 Speaker 2: what you've been through. I'm sure this podcast and YouTube 180 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,481 Speaker 2: clips I'd be like looking into that, taking in some 181 00:07:50,521 --> 00:07:53,641 Speaker 2: content around that looking for support outside of your family 182 00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:56,001 Speaker 2: as well, like having girlfriends we say all the time, 183 00:07:56,041 --> 00:07:57,881 Speaker 2: and it's just an absolute lifeline. 184 00:07:57,921 --> 00:08:00,001 Speaker 3: And you know what. There's also the other aspect is 185 00:08:00,161 --> 00:08:02,641 Speaker 3: that would feel like pressure is to be financially dependent 186 00:08:02,681 --> 00:08:05,481 Speaker 3: on you financial side, right, So that's also an element 187 00:08:05,521 --> 00:08:07,921 Speaker 3: that I'm sure is weighing heavy in your head. Yeah, 188 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:10,481 Speaker 3: in your mind, especially when you feel like you don't 189 00:08:10,481 --> 00:08:12,681 Speaker 3: necessarily have the resources and it feels like a lot 190 00:08:12,721 --> 00:08:15,720 Speaker 3: of pressure, because yes, it can feel like pressure. However, 191 00:08:16,241 --> 00:08:18,241 Speaker 3: I feel like it would be empowering for you to 192 00:08:18,321 --> 00:08:21,201 Speaker 3: learn how to create the resource of money, you know, 193 00:08:21,321 --> 00:08:23,761 Speaker 3: especially for you, for your son, for yourself, for your 194 00:08:23,801 --> 00:08:27,561 Speaker 3: freedom to not feel like that financial dependence that you 195 00:08:27,681 --> 00:08:30,121 Speaker 3: have is a burden on you and is the reason 196 00:08:30,121 --> 00:08:32,321 Speaker 3: why you stay. Because that's most of the reason why 197 00:08:32,321 --> 00:08:33,841 Speaker 3: a lot of women do stays, because. 198 00:08:33,641 --> 00:08:35,481 Speaker 1: Especially this day and age, because of the rental. 199 00:08:35,241 --> 00:08:37,081 Speaker 3: Crist Yes, because they're scared they don't know how to 200 00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:38,641 Speaker 3: make the money. Then they have to go back to work. 201 00:08:38,681 --> 00:08:40,281 Speaker 3: They don't have to have the level of freedom that 202 00:08:40,281 --> 00:08:43,721 Speaker 3: they have anymore, and then the pressure of financial responsibility 203 00:08:43,761 --> 00:08:46,321 Speaker 3: is now on your shoulders. But it's also something that 204 00:08:46,321 --> 00:08:50,601 Speaker 3: will be really empowering for you to know that finances 205 00:08:50,641 --> 00:08:53,001 Speaker 3: is not something that somebody can hold over your head. 206 00:08:53,121 --> 00:08:54,681 Speaker 2: But there also needs to be a plan in place, 207 00:08:54,681 --> 00:08:56,241 Speaker 2: Like I totally get that, it's not something you can 208 00:08:56,281 --> 00:08:57,001 Speaker 2: just leave tomorrow. 209 00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:58,281 Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not saying to do this. 210 00:08:58,601 --> 00:09:02,601 Speaker 2: However, my mum when she was with my father, and 211 00:09:02,641 --> 00:09:05,641 Speaker 2: he was a hopeless father, like I nearly drownded the bathtub. 212 00:09:05,761 --> 00:09:07,361 Speaker 1: He didn't watch me. There's so many. 213 00:09:07,201 --> 00:09:10,481 Speaker 2: Stories where he just my god, Yeah, wasn't great. My 214 00:09:10,521 --> 00:09:12,521 Speaker 2: mom knew she wanted to leave him, but saying like 215 00:09:12,601 --> 00:09:15,561 Speaker 2: finances scared, do I try again? Like you know, all 216 00:09:15,601 --> 00:09:17,961 Speaker 2: those thoughts. But while she was thinking about all of that, 217 00:09:18,041 --> 00:09:21,201 Speaker 2: she was tacking money away. So when she actually decided 218 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,801 Speaker 2: enough's enough, which I think was after the bath incident. Yeah, 219 00:09:23,841 --> 00:09:25,601 Speaker 2: and when I was in hospital six, she had a 220 00:09:25,601 --> 00:09:28,721 Speaker 2: stash of cash and something mym's always said, in your underdrawer, 221 00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:30,081 Speaker 2: have a stash of cash. I don't care if it's 222 00:09:30,081 --> 00:09:32,441 Speaker 2: five hundred dollars, if it's five thousand dollars. In a 223 00:09:32,481 --> 00:09:34,521 Speaker 2: case of emergency, even if your friends needed something in 224 00:09:34,521 --> 00:09:37,241 Speaker 2: an emergency, you've got that stash of cash. And she 225 00:09:37,281 --> 00:09:38,641 Speaker 2: had a couple of thousand dollars and it was just 226 00:09:38,761 --> 00:09:40,721 Speaker 2: enough to get her out get a place. It was 227 00:09:40,761 --> 00:09:44,241 Speaker 2: a small place for her and two children. But I 228 00:09:44,241 --> 00:09:46,041 Speaker 2: don't know if that is something that maybe would just 229 00:09:46,041 --> 00:09:48,281 Speaker 2: make you feel a little bit more financially secure. Why 230 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,161 Speaker 2: you're creating a plan, Why are you looking for work 231 00:09:50,281 --> 00:09:52,801 Speaker 2: or speaking to family or just getting support and looking 232 00:09:52,841 --> 00:09:54,881 Speaker 2: at all of your options, Because there is options, and 233 00:09:54,921 --> 00:09:57,361 Speaker 2: I'm sure none of them are easy. I'm sure all 234 00:09:57,441 --> 00:09:58,921 Speaker 2: of them are hard. But you know what else is hard? 235 00:09:59,121 --> 00:10:02,041 Speaker 2: Staying where you are right now, absolutely miserable even though 236 00:10:02,121 --> 00:10:04,321 Speaker 2: not good in bed, there's a lack of connection there 237 00:10:04,361 --> 00:10:06,721 Speaker 2: for starters, lack of safety, so of course that's not 238 00:10:06,761 --> 00:10:10,201 Speaker 2: going to feel good for either of you. And being intimate, 239 00:10:10,281 --> 00:10:13,121 Speaker 2: it gives you this life force, It gives you this energy, 240 00:10:13,161 --> 00:10:15,361 Speaker 2: and it makes you feel alive and happy and content 241 00:10:15,441 --> 00:10:17,521 Speaker 2: and like the amount of pleasure that you're missing out 242 00:10:17,561 --> 00:10:20,521 Speaker 2: on in a beautiful it's not just the act of sex, 243 00:10:20,601 --> 00:10:23,561 Speaker 2: it's the connection that it brings in an intimate relationship. 244 00:10:23,641 --> 00:10:26,001 Speaker 2: That is a big part of an inter relationship because 245 00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:28,161 Speaker 2: otherwise you're just passing ships in the house, you're co 246 00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:31,481 Speaker 2: parenting under the same roof. Yeah, like you deserve better, 247 00:10:31,841 --> 00:10:35,881 Speaker 2: you can have more. Absolutely, absolutely supple as well. This 248 00:10:36,001 --> 00:10:38,441 Speaker 2: is not hating on him at all. He's probably feeling 249 00:10:38,441 --> 00:10:41,561 Speaker 2: exactly how you're feeling, and you're both really fantasizing about 250 00:10:41,561 --> 00:10:43,801 Speaker 2: what it's like without each other and what it would 251 00:10:43,801 --> 00:10:46,041 Speaker 2: be like to find someone that you're truly connected. 252 00:10:45,681 --> 00:10:46,441 Speaker 1: With and aligned with. 253 00:10:46,641 --> 00:10:48,881 Speaker 2: Absolutely it was someone perfect for him that doesn't want 254 00:10:48,881 --> 00:10:50,601 Speaker 2: to grow and have the deep conversations and they just 255 00:10:50,641 --> 00:10:53,281 Speaker 2: want to, you know, live life. My ex partner was 256 00:10:53,321 --> 00:10:53,481 Speaker 2: like that. 257 00:10:53,561 --> 00:10:53,921 Speaker 1: He was a. 258 00:10:53,841 --> 00:10:55,561 Speaker 2: Beautiful man, but he never wanted to grow and never 259 00:10:55,601 --> 00:10:57,881 Speaker 2: wanted to travel, never wanted to do much, just wanted 260 00:10:57,881 --> 00:10:59,961 Speaker 2: to have kids, get the white picket fence and chill, 261 00:11:00,561 --> 00:11:02,401 Speaker 2: and good on him is doing that now, But I 262 00:11:02,401 --> 00:11:04,521 Speaker 2: always wanted more. It's okay to want different things. This 263 00:11:04,601 --> 00:11:06,841 Speaker 2: isn't hate on anyone. Everyone just likes stupid things. But 264 00:11:06,881 --> 00:11:11,401 Speaker 2: to find someone with shared values and morals and goals, 265 00:11:11,841 --> 00:11:13,601 Speaker 2: your life will just feel like a movie. 266 00:11:14,401 --> 00:11:16,561 Speaker 3: I think people sometimes think as well, just because the 267 00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:18,921 Speaker 3: person's not abusive doesn't mean you can't want for more. 268 00:11:19,281 --> 00:11:22,601 Speaker 1: And it's just the point. It's just the biggest crockable 269 00:11:22,641 --> 00:11:23,201 Speaker 1: shit ever. 270 00:11:23,521 --> 00:11:25,801 Speaker 2: Like best of the advice segment a lot like he's lovely, 271 00:11:25,841 --> 00:11:27,601 Speaker 2: he's this, and that he's not abusive. 272 00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,321 Speaker 1: So it's like, oh, okay, you should just stay, I 273 00:11:29,321 --> 00:11:30,041 Speaker 1: should be happy. 274 00:11:30,201 --> 00:11:33,681 Speaker 3: Oh like you should be grateful that you're with But 275 00:11:33,721 --> 00:11:35,841 Speaker 3: it's not that. It's not about that. It's wanting for 276 00:11:35,921 --> 00:11:38,401 Speaker 3: more and like wanting what your heart desires, and if 277 00:11:38,401 --> 00:11:40,361 Speaker 3: it's on your heart, you get to have that. If 278 00:11:40,361 --> 00:11:42,521 Speaker 3: you want a deeper level of relationship, you get to 279 00:11:42,561 --> 00:11:45,401 Speaker 3: call that in. But are you still entertaining the people 280 00:11:45,441 --> 00:11:47,881 Speaker 3: that give you less than that? And that's a beautiful 281 00:11:47,881 --> 00:11:50,841 Speaker 3: conversation too, And also in terms of like self abandonment, 282 00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:55,121 Speaker 3: like imagine what it's doing to your body when every 283 00:11:55,121 --> 00:11:57,441 Speaker 3: time you're sleeping with him and you have that sense of. 284 00:11:57,521 --> 00:11:59,241 Speaker 1: Not ick but like exchange. 285 00:11:59,321 --> 00:12:02,241 Speaker 3: Yeah, you're having sex with somebody and exchanging energy with 286 00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:04,841 Speaker 3: somebody where you feel like, I'm not plugged into this 287 00:12:04,841 --> 00:12:06,761 Speaker 3: place and I don't feel safe, I don't feel like 288 00:12:06,801 --> 00:12:08,601 Speaker 3: I want to be here, that I'm not my person. 289 00:12:09,121 --> 00:12:11,401 Speaker 3: Every single time that you do that, it's self abandonment. 290 00:12:11,441 --> 00:12:13,481 Speaker 3: It is you know, and you're saying that I need 291 00:12:13,521 --> 00:12:15,721 Speaker 3: to put my needs to the side to please this 292 00:12:15,801 --> 00:12:18,641 Speaker 3: person so that I don't create conflict or you know, 293 00:12:18,681 --> 00:12:20,761 Speaker 3: turn my life upside down. It's just not worth it. 294 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:23,041 Speaker 2: I love what you said about are you still entertaining 295 00:12:23,081 --> 00:12:24,761 Speaker 2: the people that treat you like that? Because at the 296 00:12:24,841 --> 00:12:26,201 Speaker 2: end of the day, it's so easy to blame the 297 00:12:26,361 --> 00:12:28,001 Speaker 2: person for not being good in bed and for not 298 00:12:28,041 --> 00:12:30,681 Speaker 2: showing up and not growing and yeah, he plays his roles. 299 00:12:30,681 --> 00:12:33,201 Speaker 2: It's to be longed dynamic. Everyone's experience is just true. 300 00:12:33,201 --> 00:12:34,761 Speaker 2: But of course, at the end of the day, you're 301 00:12:34,761 --> 00:12:36,281 Speaker 2: in control of your boundaries and what you're going to 302 00:12:36,361 --> 00:12:39,561 Speaker 2: allow and what you allow. It'll keep happening until you 303 00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:41,481 Speaker 2: put that boundary and take a stance and stick up 304 00:12:41,521 --> 00:12:44,841 Speaker 2: for what you want and stop entertaining what's less than 305 00:12:45,761 --> 00:12:48,121 Speaker 2: nothing's going to change. So the fact that you're super 306 00:12:48,121 --> 00:12:50,361 Speaker 2: awarea all of this, You know what you want and 307 00:12:50,361 --> 00:12:52,761 Speaker 2: it's like what now, Yeah, this is up. 308 00:12:52,641 --> 00:12:53,161 Speaker 1: To you now. 309 00:12:53,321 --> 00:12:54,761 Speaker 2: And the fact that you've been brave enough to bring 310 00:12:54,761 --> 00:12:56,641 Speaker 2: this in, I'm like so proud of you because it's 311 00:12:56,681 --> 00:12:59,761 Speaker 2: the first step. Sometimes just actually talking about it is 312 00:12:59,801 --> 00:13:00,401 Speaker 2: the first step. 313 00:13:00,601 --> 00:13:01,721 Speaker 1: I did this exact thing. 314 00:13:01,921 --> 00:13:05,681 Speaker 2: We were only freshly getting to know each other, Yeah, 315 00:13:06,001 --> 00:13:09,121 Speaker 2: freshly friendship dating. Well, we hadn't been friends for that long, 316 00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:12,321 Speaker 2: but we've already gone there deep with things, different things. 317 00:13:12,681 --> 00:13:14,801 Speaker 2: And it was something about an ex partner. You were 318 00:13:14,801 --> 00:13:17,601 Speaker 2: still with him, and when you said something out loud, 319 00:13:18,041 --> 00:13:19,601 Speaker 2: it was like a week lady. You were like, that 320 00:13:19,681 --> 00:13:21,761 Speaker 2: was the first time I actually said it out loud. 321 00:13:21,841 --> 00:13:23,041 Speaker 1: It became so real. 322 00:13:23,241 --> 00:13:25,961 Speaker 2: Yeah, That's when I knew this had to end. And 323 00:13:26,001 --> 00:13:27,841 Speaker 2: I was like, wow, that's so true, because when you 324 00:13:27,881 --> 00:13:30,521 Speaker 2: suppress it and keep it inside, you kind of ignore it. 325 00:13:30,521 --> 00:13:34,201 Speaker 2: You're like you like you gaslight yourself. Yeah, you say 326 00:13:34,201 --> 00:13:36,041 Speaker 2: it out loud, and then someone else hold you in that, 327 00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:38,681 Speaker 2: it's like, oh that's there, Yeah, that anymore? 328 00:13:38,761 --> 00:13:40,561 Speaker 3: Yeah, And you know, I remember the moment that I 329 00:13:40,601 --> 00:13:42,441 Speaker 3: said that to you, sitting in the car, like about 330 00:13:42,441 --> 00:13:45,161 Speaker 3: to where it's dancing, and I just remember how it 331 00:13:45,201 --> 00:13:46,721 Speaker 3: felt in the moment to voice it out loud, and 332 00:13:46,721 --> 00:13:48,521 Speaker 3: I was like, Wow, what I'm feeling is so real, 333 00:13:48,521 --> 00:13:50,601 Speaker 3: And I don't have to pretend like it's not here anymore, 334 00:13:50,601 --> 00:13:52,521 Speaker 3: and I don't have to pretend like I'm happy because 335 00:13:52,561 --> 00:13:55,041 Speaker 3: I'm not. And I'm actually really getting the short end 336 00:13:55,081 --> 00:13:58,881 Speaker 3: of the stick here, and like really having to abandon 337 00:13:59,081 --> 00:14:00,681 Speaker 3: all of the things that are important to me in 338 00:14:00,761 --> 00:14:03,001 Speaker 3: order to keep this person. And when I said it 339 00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:05,001 Speaker 3: to you out loud, I just it was a big moment. 340 00:14:05,121 --> 00:14:07,561 Speaker 3: It was a reality check for me. It was like wow, 341 00:14:07,761 --> 00:14:10,201 Speaker 3: Like afterwards you took action and I did, yeah. 342 00:14:10,081 --> 00:14:12,561 Speaker 1: Like actually, I'm not going to settle for this anymore. 343 00:14:12,201 --> 00:14:13,841 Speaker 3: Like I can't do this anymore. Yeah. 344 00:14:13,881 --> 00:14:16,361 Speaker 2: So the fact that you're bringing this in that's a 345 00:14:16,361 --> 00:14:18,921 Speaker 2: great first step, it is. And now what next? Yeah, 346 00:14:18,921 --> 00:14:20,041 Speaker 2: And we're here for you too if you want to 347 00:14:20,041 --> 00:14:21,681 Speaker 2: slot into our dms, like we're so here for you 348 00:14:21,721 --> 00:14:23,001 Speaker 2: if you need anything. 349 00:14:23,161 --> 00:14:24,321 Speaker 3: Or if you want to do an update and you 350 00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:26,201 Speaker 3: want to share a little bit more context about like 351 00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:28,761 Speaker 3: what's come up for you since us giving you this 352 00:14:28,841 --> 00:14:31,561 Speaker 3: response and the best the advice to your situation, let 353 00:14:31,641 --> 00:14:34,041 Speaker 3: us know, because we'd happy to do like another follow 354 00:14:34,121 --> 00:14:36,401 Speaker 3: up episode and dive into this deeper. 355 00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:39,401 Speaker 2: We know that you're scared, but being scared doesn't mean 356 00:14:39,401 --> 00:14:41,161 Speaker 2: you can't do it, that's right. Being scared doesn't mean 357 00:14:41,161 --> 00:14:43,401 Speaker 2: it's impossible. You've got to feel this sphere and go 358 00:14:43,481 --> 00:14:44,121 Speaker 2: for it anyway. 359 00:14:44,201 --> 00:14:46,041 Speaker 3: And if you want to avoid that feeling and feeling 360 00:14:46,121 --> 00:14:48,841 Speaker 3: trapped in your own life, it's being able to get 361 00:14:48,881 --> 00:14:51,161 Speaker 3: out of your own head right, because it's usually the 362 00:14:51,201 --> 00:14:53,641 Speaker 3: limitations that we put on ourselves that keep us stuck 363 00:14:53,801 --> 00:14:56,081 Speaker 3: in our minds, in our life, in the choices that 364 00:14:56,121 --> 00:14:58,281 Speaker 3: we're making. The only thing that we need to do 365 00:14:58,361 --> 00:15:00,841 Speaker 3: is get out of our own way, right, because you 366 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:04,601 Speaker 3: don't owe it to anyone to stay the same or 367 00:15:04,601 --> 00:15:07,241 Speaker 3: to continu You're choosing what you have chosen in your 368 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:11,161 Speaker 3: life up until now, like you have full permission to 369 00:15:11,281 --> 00:15:14,201 Speaker 3: wake up today, tomorrow, whenever and go I want to 370 00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:17,441 Speaker 3: change my life entirely. I decide that I want more, 371 00:15:17,521 --> 00:15:20,161 Speaker 3: I decide that i want for different and I decide 372 00:15:20,161 --> 00:15:22,601 Speaker 3: that I'm going to choose different things because i want 373 00:15:22,641 --> 00:15:23,481 Speaker 3: a different outcome. 374 00:15:24,001 --> 00:15:25,281 Speaker 1: And you get to do that. 375 00:15:25,721 --> 00:15:27,841 Speaker 3: Don't worry about the judgment of what other people are 376 00:15:27,841 --> 00:15:30,481 Speaker 3: going to think. Because you've changed your mind. You're allowed 377 00:15:30,481 --> 00:15:32,441 Speaker 3: to change your mind. And if you are not changing 378 00:15:32,441 --> 00:15:34,601 Speaker 3: your mind, you are not growing, which is why you 379 00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:38,081 Speaker 3: feel stagnant so dead inside. And get it fat that's right. 380 00:15:38,161 --> 00:15:40,481 Speaker 3: It's like you want for movement, you want for more, 381 00:15:40,561 --> 00:15:43,921 Speaker 3: you want a better quality life relationship. Don't limit yourself 382 00:15:43,921 --> 00:15:45,681 Speaker 3: in thinking that what you have right now is all 383 00:15:45,721 --> 00:15:47,361 Speaker 3: there is for you, because if it's on your heart, 384 00:15:47,401 --> 00:15:49,721 Speaker 3: I promise you it's out there for you. You just 385 00:15:49,801 --> 00:15:51,201 Speaker 3: have to be willing to fight for it. 386 00:15:52,041 --> 00:15:54,361 Speaker 2: And that's the same with anything. You have full perosion 387 00:15:54,361 --> 00:15:56,801 Speaker 2: to change everything. I relate to that being scared of 388 00:15:56,801 --> 00:15:58,561 Speaker 2: what other people think of me, Like even in my 389 00:15:58,641 --> 00:16:01,561 Speaker 2: career leaving the fitness industry, was petrified what people thought 390 00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,121 Speaker 2: of me, like will I be accepted, will I be like? 391 00:16:03,201 --> 00:16:05,241 Speaker 2: Or people still want to follow along and come on 392 00:16:05,241 --> 00:16:07,321 Speaker 2: my journey. I know it's very different, but that fear 393 00:16:08,081 --> 00:16:08,721 Speaker 2: is so real. 394 00:16:08,841 --> 00:16:10,921 Speaker 3: It's just a real life example of how it shows up. 395 00:16:11,081 --> 00:16:12,801 Speaker 2: Yeah, and you have to feel the fear and do 396 00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:15,841 Speaker 2: it anyway. We will forever change our mind. What you 397 00:16:15,921 --> 00:16:18,361 Speaker 2: thought about, what you believed, and how you showed up 398 00:16:18,401 --> 00:16:20,681 Speaker 2: and who you had in your life at fifteen to 399 00:16:20,681 --> 00:16:23,081 Speaker 2: twenty to twenty five to thirty is going to change drastically. 400 00:16:23,481 --> 00:16:26,241 Speaker 1: It's a part of life. If you choose that. You 401 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:27,121 Speaker 1: need to choose. 402 00:16:26,881 --> 00:16:28,921 Speaker 2: Yourself on this, Like you do not want to be 403 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:32,161 Speaker 2: sitting here writing again in five years, timing like girls, 404 00:16:32,161 --> 00:16:35,361 Speaker 2: I'm still here and I'm miserable and I can't shrop 405 00:16:35,481 --> 00:16:37,881 Speaker 2: my son because I'm so depressed and I'm so sad, 406 00:16:38,281 --> 00:16:39,921 Speaker 2: and he would see that and feel that as well. 407 00:16:40,561 --> 00:16:43,721 Speaker 3: The way that you start to change and build a 408 00:16:43,721 --> 00:16:47,561 Speaker 3: stronger relationship with yourself is honestly just one day deciding 409 00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:49,601 Speaker 3: that I'm actually going to choose myself today. 410 00:16:49,681 --> 00:16:51,201 Speaker 1: Yeah it's a clear, conscious decision. 411 00:16:51,281 --> 00:16:53,521 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a conscious choice. So people wonder, like, how 412 00:16:53,521 --> 00:16:55,481 Speaker 3: do all these women have all this confidence and believe 413 00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:57,921 Speaker 3: in themselves and have high standards and have strong self worth? 414 00:16:58,121 --> 00:16:58,481 Speaker 1: Natural? 415 00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:01,321 Speaker 3: No, they didn't come natural for them. They were probably 416 00:17:01,361 --> 00:17:04,080 Speaker 3: once the girl who's self abandoned and gave everything to 417 00:17:04,121 --> 00:17:07,041 Speaker 3: a past relationship. Were they people pleased and self abandoned 418 00:17:07,041 --> 00:17:09,561 Speaker 3: and really lost who they were as a woman and 419 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,200 Speaker 3: decided I'm never going to feel that again, you know. 420 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,761 Speaker 3: So it's just even if you haven't been choosing yourself 421 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:17,241 Speaker 3: up until now, you can start today. And it doesn't 422 00:17:17,241 --> 00:17:18,761 Speaker 3: mean that it's not going to feel scary, because it 423 00:17:18,801 --> 00:17:23,880 Speaker 3: absolutely will. It's going to feel foreign and unfamiliar and lonely, 424 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,641 Speaker 3: probably lonely. You're going to feel guilty for it, but. 425 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,801 Speaker 1: I promise you'll survive. You will, you'll get through this. 426 00:17:28,921 --> 00:17:31,400 Speaker 3: And just because you feel guilty for choosing yourself doesn't 427 00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,400 Speaker 3: mean it's the wrong thing. It just means that you 428 00:17:33,481 --> 00:17:36,961 Speaker 3: haven't done it in a long time. So I hope 429 00:17:36,961 --> 00:17:38,080 Speaker 3: this has been really helpful. 430 00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:39,680 Speaker 2: I who really hope? So I was sending you so 431 00:17:39,761 --> 00:17:41,321 Speaker 2: much love. I wish you could give you a big cuddle. 432 00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,801 Speaker 2: You probably just need someone to actually just hold you right, like, 433 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:46,321 Speaker 2: remind you that it's going to be okay. But listen 434 00:17:46,321 --> 00:17:48,200 Speaker 2: to this episode again and again. If you need to 435 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,561 Speaker 2: look for outside support as well, there will be groups, 436 00:17:50,561 --> 00:17:52,720 Speaker 2: there will be a sisterhood, there will be people like 437 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,081 Speaker 2: us send us a dam yeah, that can be there 438 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,240 Speaker 2: for you and that can validate you and see you 439 00:17:57,281 --> 00:17:58,161 Speaker 2: and what you're going. 440 00:17:57,961 --> 00:18:00,480 Speaker 3: Through and if you are serious about going on this 441 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,001 Speaker 3: journey and potentially changing your life right now, honestly, I 442 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,241 Speaker 3: highly recommend going and finding yourself a coach, because you're 443 00:18:07,241 --> 00:18:08,880 Speaker 3: going to need somebody who's going to be able to 444 00:18:08,961 --> 00:18:10,960 Speaker 3: hold your hand while you walk through the fire of 445 00:18:11,041 --> 00:18:13,000 Speaker 3: this decision and all of the things that come up 446 00:18:13,001 --> 00:18:17,561 Speaker 3: for you around finances, around culture, around the fear of leaving, 447 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,961 Speaker 3: around what comes up for you, around your son, all 448 00:18:20,001 --> 00:18:21,240 Speaker 3: of it. Like, you're not going to be able to 449 00:18:21,281 --> 00:18:23,720 Speaker 3: do this on your own, and you can, but it 450 00:18:23,721 --> 00:18:25,880 Speaker 3: will feel less scary when you've got someone holding your 451 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:26,600 Speaker 3: hand along the way. 452 00:18:26,761 --> 00:18:29,200 Speaker 1: Definitely give us an update. We would love to hear 453 00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:29,440 Speaker 1: from you. 454 00:18:29,561 --> 00:18:31,281 Speaker 2: We're sending you so much love and thank you for 455 00:18:31,321 --> 00:18:32,721 Speaker 2: writing in and being so vulnerable. 456 00:18:33,561 --> 00:18:35,360 Speaker 3: We love you. Good luck let us know. 457 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,001 Speaker 1: Yes, we'll see you guys tomorrow. 458 00:18:37,001 --> 00:18:38,681 Speaker 2: In Wednesday's episode, Bye