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Speaker 1: Apodjay Production. Welcome to the Sheep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashy

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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.

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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to

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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.

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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.

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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to Monday morning with you on

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Speaker 1: your way to work on your morning walk. Welcome back.

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Speaker 1: I've got a big episode for you. Today's episode it's

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Speaker 1: all about playing the blame game, which we're all guilty of.

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Speaker 1: We've all done it, we all see people do it.

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Speaker 1: But before we get into it, your Share of the week.

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Speaker 2: My Share of the Week is actually led them by

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Speaker 2: mel Robin.

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Speaker 1: The book.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I got it on audiobook the other week and

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Speaker 2: I was cleaning up my wardrobe and I was.

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Speaker 1: Listening to it.

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Speaker 2: It's just a really easy read and sometimes it's just

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Speaker 2: that little bit of permission to just like let go

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Speaker 2: of whatever it is you're holding on to you.

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Speaker 1: Yes, it's so good, isn't it. I'm only telling what

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Speaker 1: its in but it's so good.

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Speaker 2: I would really recommend it's it's the light read. It's easy,

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Speaker 2: you don't have to think too much. You can do

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Speaker 2: it while you're doing other tasks around the house if

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Speaker 2: you like, or going for a walk. And yeah, just

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Speaker 2: if you feel like you're holding onto something and you

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Speaker 2: need a little bit of permission, listen.

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Speaker 1: To it if you're really worried what everyone else is

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Speaker 1: saying or like thinking of you or doing. It's like, okay,

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Speaker 1: just let them that's right, let them think that, let

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Speaker 1: them make you the villain, let them say that about you,

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Speaker 1: let them judge you, let them criticize them, Like, let

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Speaker 1: them that's on them. You just got to live your life.

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Speaker 1: That's like the whole book in a nutshell. But just

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Speaker 1: the way she explains it, the different example she gives,

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Speaker 1: it's so good, isn't it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: My Share of the week is an Instagram page called

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Speaker 1: moon Memes. Oh okay, do you not follow it? No?

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Speaker 2: Ah?

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Speaker 1: So good. Steve and I are constantly like sending each

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Speaker 1: other our horoscopes. It's like daily horoscopes, monthly ones. Ah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: the new moons and what's happening. And I just every

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Speaker 1: time I read it, it's so bang on. Yeah, with

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Speaker 1: how feeling or if like we're feeling a bit lost,

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Speaker 1: little spear of mind, like you might be in a

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Speaker 1: really hard stage right now, like you're going to come

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Speaker 1: out of it. And yeah, the way they word it,

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Speaker 1: it's always exactly what I need to read at the

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Speaker 1: right time. Moon memes, Moon means like two point three

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Speaker 1: million followers. Wow. Yeah, I've been following them for probably

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Speaker 1: ten years. All right, I'm going to go follow them.

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Speaker 1: You'll love it and then it'll be like Steve will

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Speaker 1: send me something. Libra and Sagittarians are great together because

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Speaker 1: da da da like matches the star signs. Just yeah,

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Speaker 1: different moons or what's happening in the world. It's really cool.

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Speaker 1: Fairy love astrology. Yes down, all right, today, let's get

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Speaker 1: into blaming. Yeah, so maybe you're the problem. If I

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Speaker 1: definitely am the problem, I'm like also same, I have

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Speaker 1: been the problem. We are all the problems. That's that song.

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Speaker 1: It's me how the problem with Sunny's with the sunniest peace.

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Speaker 1: I've all been there. We play the blame game, and

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Speaker 1: we blame everyone else and everything else and don't take

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Speaker 1: any responsibility. And let me tell you all it does

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Speaker 1: is hold you back. Yeah, it really does. And yes,

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Speaker 1: things happen in your life, but you're also responsible with

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Speaker 1: how you respond to it and what you do next.

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Speaker 1: You can blame whoever for only so long and it

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Speaker 1: just doesn't help you progress forward. It's not productive. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's so interesting.

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Speaker 2: I feel like there's a huge difference between blaming and

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Speaker 2: acknowledging inexperience.

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Speaker 1: So true, that's a good way to put it.

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Speaker 2: But I think sometimes we get caught up with blaming

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Speaker 2: being acknowledging the experience, do you know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: Like it's like there's a blurred line between that and

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Speaker 2: it's really interesting, Like, yes, things happen. Sometimes life feels unfair.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes life is really uncomfortable, and there are things that

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Speaker 2: happen that we wish absolutely did not happen because we

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Speaker 2: don't want to experience it. But blaming other people for

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Speaker 2: your circumstances is a sure fire way to feel like

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Speaker 2: the biggest victim in your life. And I can only

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Speaker 2: say it because I've done it so many times, guilty

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Speaker 2: of it, and it just gets you nowhere. And you know,

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Speaker 2: the funny thing is, even when you think you are

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Speaker 2: not blaming, you are likely still blaming, Like.

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Speaker 1: We catch ourselves all the time, all the.

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Speaker 2: Time because you think, but I'm taking a responsibility, I'm

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Speaker 2: taking responsibilit how did I part out?

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Speaker 1: But then behind closed doors, you're like, why the fuck

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Speaker 1: is this still happening?

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Speaker 2: Yes, you know, that's when you know that you're blaming

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Speaker 2: something else outside of you. And when you learn to

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Speaker 2: take responsibility for something shit that's happened, It doesn't mean

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Speaker 2: that you're taking responsibility for how they showed up. Yes,

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Speaker 2: you're taking responsibility for how you contributed to getting yourself

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Speaker 2: in that situation or how you contributed to that certain scenario.

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Speaker 2: Like there have been so many times in my life

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Speaker 2: where I have blamed an ex partner for making me anxious,

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Speaker 2: you know, my business for not doing as well as

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Speaker 2: I wanted it to when I first started, and blaming

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Speaker 2: everyone else, like it's everyone else's fault, not me because

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Speaker 2: I wasn't showing up the way that I needed to,

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Speaker 2: Blaming somebody else for my relationship with money, you know,

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Speaker 2: being like, oh, but it's hard to make money, or

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Speaker 2: it's the government or fucking.

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Speaker 1: Tax, or.

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Speaker 2: It's the cost of living, not my you know, unhealthy

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Speaker 2: spending habit with money because I was emotionally spending.

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Speaker 1: Or lack of effort, then you could be doing X

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Speaker 1: Y to bring more money in it.

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Speaker 2: Yes, or I was buying designer bags when I should

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Speaker 2: have been saving. What do you mean it's somebody else's fault. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I've got a really good example. And I probably have

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Speaker 2: told this before in the podcast, so apologies if anyone

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Speaker 2: who has listened to it, but I know there's always

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Speaker 2: new listeners.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if you've heard this story. Probably have.

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Speaker 1: But my biggest story of the blame game I did

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Speaker 1: for so many years a lot of you know, I

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Speaker 1: had a quite abusive stepfather who was not very nice

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Speaker 1: to me. Told me I was dumb, I was worthless,

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Speaker 1: I'd never make anything of myself, no one would ever

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Speaker 1: love me. That I could just fall off the face

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Speaker 1: of the earth and no one would even noticed. It

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Speaker 1: really made me feel so worthless, and I was so unhappy,

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Speaker 1: so depressed. I hated life, and I just blamed it

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Speaker 1: all on him. If I had a better father, I

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Speaker 1: could make something of myself. Yeah, if I had a

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Speaker 1: more supportive dad, I would have done so much better.

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Speaker 1: If I had a dad show me the way and

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Speaker 1: teach me different things. I'd be able to make more money.

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Speaker 1: If I had a dad that showed me how it

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Speaker 1: was to be loved, I could love myself more. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: If only he did x y Z, I could be

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Speaker 1: x y Z. Yeah. But because of him, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to always suffer. Yeah, you're always going to miss out,

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Speaker 1: and I'm so unlucky. Everyone else has it easier than me,

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Speaker 1: or everyone else has a nice dad, life's going to

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Speaker 1: be so much easy. You've always got that like masculine

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Speaker 1: person to fall back on and it can just hold you,

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Speaker 1: you know, And I never had that, so my life

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Speaker 1: shit literally, Yeah, I would honestly always think that, And

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Speaker 1: every time I didn't get a job or something didn't

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Speaker 1: go to plant, it's like, oh, well, he's right, he

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Speaker 1: could me dumb. It's obviously true. You know, How am

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Speaker 1: I supposed to believe anything else when he's told me that. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: of course that's the truth. He must know me better

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Speaker 1: than I know myself. He's like brought me up, and

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Speaker 1: all I did was hold me back, and then it

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Speaker 1: told me back so much that I believed everything he

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Speaker 1: said still blamed him, So I was just angry all

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Speaker 1: the time that I wouldn't even take opportunities. I wouldn't

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Speaker 1: risk things because I already knew the answer. Yeah, he

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Speaker 1: told me I'm dumb. Yes, and it's his fault because

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Speaker 1: he told me all of that. So I wouldn't take opportunities,

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't try new things. I would just continue to

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Speaker 1: play the victim, tell this story over and over again

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Speaker 1: about how unfortunate my life was, and then yeah, one

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Speaker 1: day I've got the fuck over that, when actually it

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be like that. And yes, he could

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Speaker 1: have done all of those things to me, for sure,

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Speaker 1: not gonna disvalidate my experience as a little girl and

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Speaker 1: as a teenager and a grown woman. But I can

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Speaker 1: actually change how this story ends. I can change how

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Speaker 1: I show up. Yeah, I can take responsibility and go, well,

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Speaker 1: he might have said I'm dumb, doesn't mean I can't

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Speaker 1: choose a different career or try something new or give

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Speaker 1: it a go, or learn. Am I actually done where

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Speaker 1: I'm not interested? I'm actually done more as someone not

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Speaker 1: actually taught me the way that I understand. Maybe there's

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Speaker 1: a different way to do things. And it was very,

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Speaker 1: very hard to push through that, and honestly, it still

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Speaker 1: pops up when you just get really hard or I'm

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Speaker 1: faced with something new that story pokes is rearhead and

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Speaker 1: s like you're too down. But I really had to

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Speaker 1: push through that. The moment I took radical responsibility of

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Speaker 1: my life, my choices and who I am and what

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Speaker 1: I'm doing, my life changed the better, and so many

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Speaker 1: doors opened up, and I got to work through the

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Speaker 1: fears of trying new things and woking on my self worth,

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Speaker 1: knowing that I deserved more then I could have more

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Speaker 1: if I chose to. He's not going to give it

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Speaker 1: to me. No, as long as I'm playing victim, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to give it to me. No magic

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Speaker 1: fairy or night enchining armor is going to come and

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Speaker 1: rescue you and sweep me off my feet and make

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Speaker 1: everything better. I have to do it. Yeah, nothing changes.

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Speaker 1: Of nothing changes. If I was to continue blaming him

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Speaker 1: for the rest of my life, how angry I was

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Speaker 1: as a teenager and in my early twenties at thirty

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Speaker 1: six years old, now I would still be feeling like that.

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Speaker 1: So glad I decided to take responsibility and change my

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Speaker 1: own life. Like you're in control, and especially things that

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Speaker 1: happen when we're a kid, right, It gets to a

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Speaker 1: point where like, you have full control of your life now. Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: you get to choose how you work through this, how

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Speaker 1: you heal it, how would support you get. They're not

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Speaker 1: driving the ship anymore.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: As a kid, they kind of do control what you do,

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Speaker 1: hang with, what you eat, where you go, what you're

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Speaker 1: allowed to do. The little sponges, you're absorbing everything. But

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Speaker 1: as an adult, you're free. Now you get to take

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Speaker 1: control and make a change.

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Speaker 2: And I did, And if you hadn't, you would have

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Speaker 2: a very different Oh.

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Speaker 1: I would not be sitting here talking to you. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'd be in a job that I hate, probably in

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Speaker 1: a relationship that I hate, or not in a relationship

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Speaker 1: because I wasn't worthy of one. Yeah, he told me,

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Speaker 1: you know, and that I wasn't lovable, So why would

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Speaker 1: anyone want to be with me? You know?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? And so valid for the younger version of you

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Speaker 2: to feel like victimized by that situation because it did

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Speaker 2: happen to you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.

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Speaker 2: It's like again, like not dismissing your experience or your

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Speaker 2: feelings and emotions in that moment because it was true

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Speaker 2: for you and that's how it made you feel and

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Speaker 2: left your feeling after him saying all of those terrible

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Speaker 2: things to you. It's the because he did this now

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Speaker 2: I don't get to it's cool.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, the moment you take radical responsibility, your life

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Speaker 1: will change. So it's cool to check in, like, who

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Speaker 1: are you blaming right now? Even if you're in an

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Speaker 1: unhappy relationship. I'm sure they play their role, you both

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Speaker 1: do this entertango, But where are you projecting all the blame?

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Speaker 1: Is it all his fault or her fault or is

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Speaker 1: there maybe a part that you're playing. How are you

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Speaker 1: speaking to him, what effort are you putting in? Where

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Speaker 1: have you tried something different? Where have you suggested something

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Speaker 1: like it's not all that one person for sure?

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Speaker 2: And that definitely showed up for me in my relationship.

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Speaker 2: So my first relationship that I had, we were really

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Speaker 2: really young, like really silly and just naive and all

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Speaker 2: the things, and I found out that he was cheating

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Speaker 2: on me throughout the relationship, like multiple times, so over

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Speaker 2: like a span of a year and a half. But

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Speaker 2: I didn't find out until after we had broken up,

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Speaker 2: so I didn't know. And I remember after that the

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Speaker 2: relationships that I got into, I remember blaming him for

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Speaker 2: the way that I showed up in relationships after that,

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Speaker 2: because I used to think, well, it's his fault that

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Speaker 2: I have trust issues. It's his fault that I don't

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Speaker 2: trust men. It's his fault that I think that all

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Speaker 2: men are going to do the same thing. But the

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Speaker 2: reality of it is that's absolutely not the case. It

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Speaker 2: was my responsibility to choose how I showed up in

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Speaker 2: those relationships after the fact. But in the moment, I

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Speaker 2: was like, well, that person is making me anxious. They're

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Speaker 2: making me feel this way. Their behavior is the reason

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Speaker 2: why I'm questioning what they're doing. And there probably could

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Speaker 2: have been truth to that, right, there's truth to everything. However,

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Speaker 2: I didn't take responsible at the time for the fact

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Speaker 2: that I was the one who was feeling anxious. I

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Speaker 2: had trust issues come up for me. I was assuming

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Speaker 2: the worst case scenario about what they were doing, and

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Speaker 2: so it left me feeling so disempowered in my relationships

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Speaker 2: because I was constantly blaming my partner for the way

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Speaker 2: that I felt based on wounds that I had previously had.

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Speaker 2: So not only did I blame my ex for like

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Speaker 2: giving me trust issues, I blamed my current partners for

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Speaker 2: evoking that feeling in me, and I just felt like

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Speaker 2: such a victim in my relationships, and I was like,

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Speaker 2: this is fucking terrible. I don't want to feel like this.

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Speaker 2: But it was only the moment that I actually started

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Speaker 2: to acknowledge that anxiousness and the fear of trusting people

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Speaker 2: and the fear of putting my faith in people, was

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Speaker 2: I able to start learning how I could internally soothe

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Speaker 2: that feeling regardless of what had happened in the past. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: Like I could have so taken that story and still

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Speaker 2: to this day been like, every single man that I

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Speaker 2: meet is going to cheat on me, every single man

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Speaker 2: is going to want someone better, like all the things.

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Speaker 2: And don't get me wrong, I am a human. I

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Speaker 2: have insecurities, I'm jealous as fuck, right, I naturally have

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Speaker 2: this territorial energy about me when it comes to the

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Speaker 2: people that I love. But it also doesn't mean that

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Speaker 2: I have to blame everyone else for what comes up

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Speaker 2: for me.

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Speaker 1: I love that so much.

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Speaker 2: That was the most empowering thing that I ever did

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Speaker 2: for relationships, was like, just take responsibility for what had happened,

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Speaker 2: the fact that it had happened, and what I get

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Speaker 2: to choose to do with how I feel moving forward.

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Speaker 1: I'd love to see you guys listening. Also, I feel

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Speaker 1: like you went from blaming to taking over responsibility. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: won't talk about it now because it's a whole conversation,

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Speaker 1: but please let us know in our DMS or in

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Speaker 1: the Facebook forum if you would like a conversation around that,

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Speaker 1: because there's been a few times where I've kind of

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Speaker 1: picked you up on that. I'm like, this is not

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Speaker 1: all your fault. Yeah, like they have played their role

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Speaker 1: as well. You don't have to own all of that,

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Speaker 1: own your part and things that have come up for you,

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Speaker 1: but they've also played their role for sure. It's like

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Speaker 1: not blaming all the other person, but also not overtake

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Speaker 1: responsibility a fear of them leaving. Yeah, it's like understanding

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Speaker 1: both have their experience, both have their truth, and to

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Speaker 1: be able to navigate that together as the ultimate goal

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Speaker 1: because I.

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Speaker 2: Think when you go from sometimes a victim to responsibility,

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Speaker 2: you go the opposite end. Yeah, and I definitely do

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Speaker 2: do that. So yeah, that'd be a really cool conversation, So.

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Speaker 1: Let us know if you'd like that.

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Speaker 2: Cool. I think the biggest thing around when you're in

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Speaker 2: this phase of wanting to take ownership for your life

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Speaker 2: is being able to look at all of the things

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Speaker 2: that actually give you the biggest dick in your life.

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Speaker 2: So the things that feel the most uncomfortable, the things

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Speaker 2: that you really don't enjoy, the things that you were

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Speaker 2: the most frustrated about. It's going directly to those things

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Speaker 2: and going, Okay, where am I actually not taking responsibility

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Speaker 2: for this experience? And again, you don't have to like

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Speaker 2: blame yourself, However, you do have to take responsibility for

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Speaker 2: knowing that for some way, shape or form, you have

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Speaker 2: contributed to getting yourself in this situation and contributing to

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Speaker 2: this happening and entertaining it now in your life. So

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Speaker 2: the question is where are you not taking responsibility? How

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Speaker 2: can you take more responsibility? And who are you blaming?

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Speaker 1: I love that. I think taking responsibility is shameful. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: you feel shameful sometimes because you're admitting you're at fault. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And if you've hurt someone else or you've contributed to

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Speaker 1: the relationship breaking down or the business not going well

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Speaker 1: or whatever has happened, that's hard. It is really it's

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Speaker 1: hard to be like, hey, I fucked up there, like

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Speaker 1: I fully own that. And it's hard depending on who

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Speaker 1: you're doing it with too, because some people would be like,

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Speaker 1: it's all good, we all do it, comeing out, we're

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Speaker 1: in this together, and I'll be like, yeah, you fucked up,

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Speaker 1: like you ruin this opportunity for me, or yeah you

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Speaker 1: we're in the marriage, or you know, it can be

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Speaker 1: really scary thing to confront and to really own yourself

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Speaker 1: and then bring that forward in the dynamic city you're in.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you'd feel embarrassed sometimes, I think for sure,

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Speaker 1: like I know I have when I've fucked up and

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Speaker 1: done the wrong thing and you're taking responsibility.

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Speaker 2: And the emotion, like you said, it can be quite

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Speaker 2: a shameful experience. It's like sometimes you might feel shameful.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes you might feel guilty, yeah, for doing something, and

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Speaker 2: that I think people really struggle to sit with those

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Speaker 2: really heavy, dense emotions because it just is terrible to feel.

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Speaker 1: It feels so much easier to blame point the finger,

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Speaker 1: doesn't it.

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Speaker 2: Oh absolutely absolutely, because then it's like, yeah, it does

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Speaker 2: take when you're venting to a friend, oh, well she

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Speaker 2: did this or he did this, it's like just so

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Speaker 2: much easier to just put it all on them their

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Speaker 2: problem to fix.

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Speaker 1: I don't have to do anything. Yeah, good, I'm amazing.

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Speaker 2: And also it can be uncomfortable when you admit fault

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Speaker 2: as well by being seen as the villain and somebody else. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: because we're so concerned about what everybody thinks of us

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Speaker 2: that we don't ever want to jeopardize someone seeing us

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Speaker 2: and thinking badly of us. So the narrative for the

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Speaker 2: most part is if I fuck up, then this person

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Speaker 2: might judge me, might think less of me, might not

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Speaker 2: be my friend any leave me?

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Speaker 1: Yeah me wound? Hello, yeah hello hello?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? So true.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, just think about who you're blaming others for

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Speaker 1: blaming circumstances, lifestyle, relationships, with money, your current roles. Just

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Speaker 1: say to your marriage, the friendships you have like this

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Speaker 1: going to happen in any situation in your life, and

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Speaker 1: just like, really be honest with yourself is who you're

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Speaker 1: blaming and where it's getting you, because it's probably not

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Speaker 1: getting you anywhere but causing more pain and disconnection for

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Speaker 1: you and the other people involved in the dynamic. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: And a beautiful question to ask yourself, if you want

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Speaker 2: to take it one step deeper, is to ask yourself,

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Speaker 2: how am I benefiting by blaming somebody else. So think

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Speaker 2: about what you get to relieve yourself of by blaming

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Speaker 2: somebody else, Like, what's the thing that you're actually avoiding? Yes,

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Speaker 2: if you can look at that and you can sit

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Speaker 2: with that without judgment, without shaming yourself, without making yourself

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Speaker 2: the villain or the bad guy, you will be able

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Speaker 2: to actually control it and be able to overcome it,

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Speaker 2: and you'll be free in your own.

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Speaker 1: Life, being free. So nice, beautiful. Yeah, thanks for joining us, guys, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: thank you for joining us.

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Speaker 2: And this is just a really cool self reflective kind

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Speaker 2: of episode of if you want to overcome something in

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Speaker 2: your life and you're feeling like you're struggling or you're

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Speaker 2: feeling a bit stafagnant and stuck and in that real

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Speaker 2: ikey energy, listen to this episode again, play it back,

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Speaker 2: write in your phone notes any notes that pop up

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Speaker 2: around what you might not be taking responsibility for, and

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Speaker 2: trust me, within a couple of weeks you'll likely find

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Speaker 2: the answer to the problem you're in.

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Speaker 1: One the flame game gets you nowhere. That's no shame

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Speaker 1: because we all do it. Boom boom, thanks for joining us.

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Speaker 1: We'll see the next episode. Bye bye,