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Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashley

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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.

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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to

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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.

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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.

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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.

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Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to another episode of She Rises

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Speaker 1: Monday Morning. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome. Today's conversation is going to

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Speaker 1: be all about hard conversations, conflict, boundaries, standards, how to

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Speaker 1: have them, tips we've learned along the way, how early

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Speaker 1: into them, what happens when you avoid them, and everything

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Speaker 1: in between. So this is a requested video. We actually

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Speaker 1: did a little post in the she Rises community page

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Speaker 1: and someone put this, I think actually two people did,

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Speaker 1: and it's just a common theme in our dms of like,

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Speaker 1: got to have this conversation with this person, how would

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Speaker 1: you deal with this? And it's something unfortun all of

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Speaker 1: us have to do. We all have to have a

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Speaker 1: hard conversations. We're all learning how to have stronger boundaries,

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Speaker 1: how to learn when people are crossing them and not

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Speaker 1: respecting them. So we're going to dive deep to that today.

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Speaker 1: Good stuff. Yeah, but first of all, can entry Share

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Speaker 1: of the Week.

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Speaker 2: Yes, you want to go?

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Speaker 1: Okay, I'll go first. So we just stopped into one

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Speaker 1: of our favorite cafes here in Brisbane. It's called Evera,

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Speaker 1: and I really love it because once it's a little

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Speaker 1: health food shop. We've got little bits and pieces, like

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Speaker 1: you can get your raw organic chocolate's there, organic meats, passes, sauces,

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Speaker 1: some supplements, it's got smoothies, it's got coffees, and then

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Speaker 1: it's got this buffet of food and the potatoes are

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Speaker 1: cooked in tallow and it's all healthy meats. Look, the

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Speaker 1: breakfast I don't love that much, but the lunch is

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Speaker 1: next level. So you just choose a tray and then

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Speaker 1: you ask you choose whatever bits and pieces you want.

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Speaker 1: They have a whole fruit buffet and just it's so

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Speaker 1: delicious and it's so healthy. It's good that there's a

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Speaker 1: real healthy option that you get to pick exactly what

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Speaker 1: you want.

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Speaker 2: The food is insane and really are so good and

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Speaker 2: it's so different from anything else that you can buy around. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: fast food, it's all clean. You can have as much

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Speaker 2: as little as you want, and it's literally cooked in

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Speaker 2: such good stuff that's so light on your tummy, it

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Speaker 2: really is.

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Speaker 1: That's my recommendation.

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Speaker 2: Ever, I love the recommendation. So my share of the

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Speaker 2: week is my sister Chantelle. So she is a health

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Speaker 2: and fitness coach and she is honestly, she's got three kids,

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Speaker 2: she looks incredible. She has gone through a whole journey

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Speaker 2: of like binge eating, and she's like really good in

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Speaker 2: terms of binge eating and food swaps and all that

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Speaker 2: sort of stuff. And I recently asked her. I was like, hey,

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Speaker 2: can you help me with like my food and stuff

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Speaker 2: like that helped me create like a bit of a

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Speaker 2: plan so I can eat a little bit more high protein,

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Speaker 2: high fat, that sort of thing. So I'm going to

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Speaker 2: go on that journey with her very soon. And I've

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Speaker 2: done it before with her once before when we were

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Speaker 2: really young, and I just remember feeling so good. So yeah,

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Speaker 2: I would recommend her, especially if you're a mum, if

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Speaker 2: you're maybe on the journey of pregnancy, or you're wanting

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Speaker 2: just a little bit more support with binge eating or

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Speaker 2: food or weight loss or anything like that. In the

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Speaker 2: mindset around it. I think that's the biggest part. She's

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Speaker 2: really good in terms of that as well. So you

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Speaker 2: can find her at Chantal Green Coaching. H A N

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Speaker 2: T E. L. Gruble E N Coaching.

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Speaker 1: It really is amazing. All right, let's get straight into it.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about how to deal with conflict.

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Speaker 1: Like I said before, this is something all of us

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Speaker 1: have to deal with, whether it's with your partner, friendships,

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Speaker 1: co workers, people on the street, literally anyone. So I

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Speaker 1: want to talk about a podcast I listened to the

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Speaker 1: other day with Stephen Bartlett and his name was Jefferson

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Speaker 1: Fisher and he is a lawyer and his dad was

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Speaker 1: a lawyer and his grandpa was a lawyer, and they've

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Speaker 1: really hard to learn how to communicate because in a

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Speaker 1: court battle you have to know how to communicate properly

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Speaker 1: and effectively and be quick on your feet and understand

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Speaker 1: other humans and human psychology and read body language. And

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Speaker 1: he was really really great, but he said just one

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Speaker 1: thing that really stood out for me, and it was

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Speaker 1: like a three step process. When someone attacks you, so

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Speaker 1: someone's color at you. Yeah, it was really really powerful.

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Speaker 1: So the first step is so say something nasty to me,

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Speaker 1: really nasty. You're a bitch? Sorry? Can you just repeat

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Speaker 1: that for me?

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Speaker 2: You're a bitch?

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Speaker 1: Thank you thanks to letting me know that. So the

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Speaker 1: first step is to breathe, because when you breathe one,

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Speaker 1: you're calming down your nervous system. It's telling your body

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Speaker 1: that it's safe. It's just words. A tiger's not going

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Speaker 1: to attack you. It also allows space for it to land.

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Speaker 1: So it allows space for the person's attacked you to

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Speaker 1: realize what they've said. Holy fuck. If I just said

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Speaker 1: that and then asking them to repeat it, they don't

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Speaker 1: want to say it again. No, they fucking know what

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Speaker 1: they're saying is not right and not nice. So getting

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Speaker 1: them to say it again, he said, a lot of

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Speaker 1: the time they go, oh, I didn't mean to say that,

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Speaker 1: or you're a bitch. If they say it again with ease,

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Speaker 1: you're thanking them. You're thanking them for showing you who

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Speaker 1: they are, where they're at, and how little respect they

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Speaker 1: have for you. Oh shit, you're not going to give

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Speaker 1: time and energy try to have a conversation with someone

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Speaker 1: that has made up their mind about you and that

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Speaker 1: does not know how to have an effective conversation Wow.

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Speaker 1: So it's breathe, let it land, allow it to be there,

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Speaker 1: ask them to repeat it, and then thank them.

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Speaker 2: Wow that at the end of the episode, that's all

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Speaker 2: you need.

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Speaker 1: So powerful. Whereas most of the time if someone attacks us,

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Speaker 1: our nervous system thinks we're getting attacked and we have

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Speaker 1: to run or react and bite back, and then we

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Speaker 1: normally say something we don't mean. It's just this back

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Speaker 1: and forth fight that we get into that doesn't solve anything.

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Speaker 1: But that big breath is just so powerful, and we

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Speaker 1: forget to breathe when we're in that heightened state. It's true,

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Speaker 1: and then it ends up blowing up. I'm like, what

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Speaker 1: the fuck are you fighting about? Why is it's worth it?

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Speaker 1: Or if you just think there's no way to resolve

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Speaker 1: with that person, then you thank them, you walk away.

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Speaker 1: You have your boundary there on standard of how you're

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Speaker 1: going to be treated and what you're going to allow

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Speaker 1: into your space. And I won't allow that in my

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Speaker 1: space anymore. I'm not going to entertain that.

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Speaker 2: You know what a powerful and like simple process, Right,

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Speaker 2: that's so good. Even when you said like say I

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Speaker 2: was like, you're a bitch, and then you like say

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Speaker 2: it again, I had this internal resistance. I was like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: now I know that this is happening in a role play.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, I don't want to say it again. No,

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Speaker 2: it's so interesting the response that I had, Yeah, you like,

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Speaker 2: can you say that again? I was like, oh shit.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure if everyone just took a moment, even if

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Speaker 1: you pause this podcast now and think of a moment

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Speaker 1: that you've done that or someone's come at you, if

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Speaker 1: you had to ask them to repeat it, they probably wouldn't,

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Speaker 1: or if they did, then it's an easy cut of like,

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Speaker 1: we're not gonna I'm not gonna engage in this. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: when you're speaking to me like that and you're throwing

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Speaker 1: those attacks at me so easily that you think it's

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Speaker 1: okay and acceptable, Yeah no, you don't even have to

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Speaker 1: explain that, just thanking thems enough and then you walk away.

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Speaker 2: What you said. The lack of respect part really hit

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Speaker 2: home is like, if someone is willing to say that

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Speaker 2: to you again and be willing to stand in that

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Speaker 2: without correcting themselves, it really does highlight to you where

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Speaker 2: they're at and how they feel about.

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Speaker 1: You literally, and then it leads into if you're wanting

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Speaker 1: to resolve conflict and have an effective kind conversation. And

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Speaker 1: you ask them to repeat it and they can't, then

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Speaker 1: it's like, okay, let's get into really how you're feeling.

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Speaker 1: What's underneath that first initial comment, I've upset you? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: can you please help me understand how I've upset you?

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Speaker 1: And get them to talk, get them to explain it,

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Speaker 1: go deeper than the surface level reaction.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and what caused you to feel that way?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's kind of how I'm trying to deal

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Speaker 1: with conflict these days. Yeah. That was really powerful, And

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Speaker 1: I think before you go into any conversation that could

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Speaker 1: be conflict and hard and the other person's disregulated or

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Speaker 1: you're disregulated, that's the first thing to do, is like

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Speaker 1: checking where you're actually at. Yeah, don't go into a

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Speaker 1: heavy conversation if you're disregulated. You can be nervous. Of course,

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Speaker 1: you're going to be a little bit like off center

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Speaker 1: because it's uncomfortable. But take some big breaths, going with

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Speaker 1: your facts, going with clear clarity of what you're going

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Speaker 1: in there for your intentions, the outcome that you want,

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Speaker 1: and making sure that you're allowing both people to be heard.

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Speaker 1: That's my intention when I go into a hard conversation,

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Speaker 1: it's not about being right. Is that resolving this and

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Speaker 1: both of us being so we can walk away feeling

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Speaker 1: we've either made a compromise or we've reconnected, even if

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Speaker 1: we can't agree or come to a solution. There's no attacking,

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Speaker 1: there's no point in the finger, there's no escalating it

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Speaker 1: where it's going to break out relationship or bond or trust.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, it's obviously easier than done. But I feel

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Speaker 1: like hearing this and having that awareness you can go

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Speaker 1: in and do better. And the more you practice this,

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Speaker 1: easier it does get. Yeah, the more normal it feels.

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Speaker 1: There was a lot of us. I know for me

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Speaker 1: growing up, it was just in a household yelling. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so I felt normal to yell. And then I got

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Speaker 1: to a point I was like, this doesn't feel nice

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Speaker 1: and I want to have conflict like this. It can

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Speaker 1: be done differently. So that's my take on it. So good.

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Speaker 1: I love that.

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Speaker 2: I think there will be a lot of people who

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Speaker 2: be able to take that away and go, wow, this

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Speaker 2: is something I can actually implement. I can get really

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Speaker 2: good at.

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Speaker 1: Go write it down like that three step process and

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Speaker 1: just remembering to have clarity and an intention behind the

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Speaker 1: conversation really important.

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Speaker 2: It's a huge thing, isn't it. Conflict is an interesting thing.

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Speaker 2: It can be such a challenging thing to want to

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Speaker 2: and I know a lot of us tend to like

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Speaker 2: avoid shy away from run and just like really don't enjoy, Yes,

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Speaker 2: we really don't enjoy the discomfort that comes up with

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Speaker 2: having to confront someone. And I know, like a lot

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Speaker 2: of the times it does stem from, you know, wanting

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Speaker 2: to preserve that relationship soon to be abandoned, you know.

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Speaker 2: And this is something we even spoke about earlier this

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Speaker 2: morning where it was like it's really important to get

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Speaker 2: clear on what your goal is with the relationship, Like

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Speaker 2: it doesn't matter whether it's conflict, a fight, or something

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Speaker 2: that you're not okay with. This is how I like

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Speaker 2: to do it is to like think about what your

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Speaker 2: actual goal and intention is for the friendship or the

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Speaker 2: relationship and they go, Okay, what's my best case scenario outcome?

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Speaker 2: What do I want for this? Do I want to preserve?

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Speaker 2: Do I want to build? Do I want to keep

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Speaker 2: this friendship really close and type or this relationship and

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Speaker 2: nurture it? Because that's when you'll get your answer, because

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Speaker 2: when you want to do those things, you've got to

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Speaker 2: be willing to have hard conversations in order to nurture

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Speaker 2: it you do. People actually have the opposite perspective, will

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Speaker 2: think if I bring this up to them, I'm going

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Speaker 2: to push them away. And it's not to say that

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Speaker 2: it doesn't happen, because it does. Some people can't hold

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Speaker 2: you in it, but there are going to be times

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Speaker 2: with the right people who when you bring things in

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Speaker 2: it's going to bring you closer. And so you've got

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Speaker 2: to be willing to check with yourself around what your

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Speaker 2: intention is and whether you know this potential little tif

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Speaker 2: that you're about to have is worth you being able

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Speaker 2: to create deeper connection in the future, which the ninety

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Speaker 2: nine point nine percent of the time it always is.

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Speaker 2: And I think that's something to just keep in mind.

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Speaker 1: I love that. Another thing I learned a couple of

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Speaker 1: weeks ago from Steve was there was something that happened

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Speaker 1: that fell back on my name even though I had

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Speaker 1: nothing to do with and I really was expecting and

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Speaker 1: hoping this person would come to me and apologize because

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Speaker 1: I kind of had to take the flack of it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't want to go in asking for that.

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to go in to feel attacked, so

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Speaker 1: I just decided to avoid and sweet and Steve was like,

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Speaker 1: why don't you lead in there with curiosity? I was like,

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Speaker 1: but how And he's like, well, I would personally go

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Speaker 1: on and be like, oh my gosh, how are you

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Speaker 1: da da how's about that thing that happened? How did

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Speaker 1: you feel? Because I haven't had the chance to speak

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Speaker 1: to you about it yet? And I was like, wow,

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Speaker 1: that is such an easy solution, genius, because I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you're not going in there attacking, You're not going there

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Speaker 1: demanding or criticizing. You're saying, hey, what came up for you?

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Speaker 1: And it just opens the conversation to have this conversation

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Speaker 1: of like holy shit, yeah shit went down, Yeah fuck,

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry about that. Oh gosh, I don't know how

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Speaker 1: I feel about it. And you can see where they're

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Speaker 1: at and you'll be able to gauge and then lead

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Speaker 1: the conversation from there. I was like, Wow, that's really cool.

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Speaker 1: Have I had the conversation yet? Not yet, but I

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Speaker 1: would get to that.

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Speaker 2: It was a great idea.

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Speaker 1: It was a great idea.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, this is yes, and I'm going to put out

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Speaker 2: the bottom of my to do list.

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Speaker 1: It's like, you know, it's amazing and I would definitely

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Speaker 1: use that. And now it's amazing brave enough to lean

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Speaker 1: in and actually have that conversation. I did it yesterdays too.

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Speaker 1: You put me up to do something. Yeah, You're like,

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Speaker 1: you're avoiding, you're avoiding.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I know, but it's don't one

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Speaker 1: that person feeling uncomfortable and I don't want to feeling

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Speaker 1: stressed about this, and da da da, You're like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: but you're avoiding it. It's not the point of it.

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Speaker 1: You need to go in and you love this person,

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Speaker 1: you have respect for them, and you want to preserve

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Speaker 1: that relationship. You value transparency, do the thing. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: did it last night. Great. It was as scary as

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Speaker 1: what it was. And we have to also look within

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Speaker 1: of why we're doing that. So for me, it's I'm

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Speaker 1: scared of being abandoned. I want to give and provide

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Speaker 1: and save and do all these things because I think

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Speaker 1: that that's how people love me, and it's a pattern

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Speaker 1: of mine. So I get scared if I speak up

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Speaker 1: or I don't provide, or I don't do something like

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Speaker 1: that that they're going to leave or they're not going

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Speaker 1: to love me. I know it's not the truth, but

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Speaker 1: it's rewinding my brain and having the experiences and evidence

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Speaker 1: that it's safe to speak up and have those conversations.

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Speaker 1: And it's also good practice for me because it's how

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Speaker 1: I deliver the conversation is where it's gonna matter. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know, it's a big part of it.

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Speaker 2: Yes, it's a cool thing that the delivery is the

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Speaker 2: big part because it's like you, because we make it

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Speaker 2: such a big thing in our heads. We go, oh,

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Speaker 2: this has to be such a huge conversation. You need

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Speaker 2: to sit down for two and a half hours and

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Speaker 2: unpack this and dissect it. As opposed to something that's

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Speaker 2: really benefited me and like I could never have hard

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Speaker 2: conversations before. Was the biggest people pleaser. I'ld avoid everything.

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Speaker 2: And then it got to a point where I'm like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: how can I have this conversation in the most casual

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Speaker 2: way possible. How can I keep it light, just a

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Speaker 2: casual conversation. And I think something that's really helped me,

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Speaker 2: which was really hard thing to do it first actually

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Speaker 2: was to think about the other person first. In any

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Speaker 2: given situation. And I'm not saying that I'm perfect to

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Speaker 2: this by any means. My last relationship I really struggled

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Speaker 2: with this, But in friendships and stuff like that, I

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Speaker 2: think immediately hearing, validating and acknowledging what the other person

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Speaker 2: is feeling or going through immediately creates connection and safety

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Speaker 2: because you're like, hey, fucking here for you, in this

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Speaker 2: with you, and regardless of how I'm feeling right now,

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Speaker 2: like I just want you to know I see you.

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Speaker 1: Yes.

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Speaker 2: And I think that in itself creates this.

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Speaker 1: I can like breathe.

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Speaker 2: An exhale and relax and then immediately you get the

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Speaker 2: best of them because you've given the best view. And

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Speaker 2: I think so that kind of like that selfless act

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Speaker 2: in that moment to go, I'm going to lean into

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Speaker 2: you first instead of expecting you to lean into me.

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Speaker 2: Then we will create the cycle of creating that safety

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Speaker 2: for each other.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I absolutely love that.

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Speaker 2: There's actually a really good book that I would recommend.

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Speaker 2: It's called Nonviolent Communication. I'm not actually sure who it's by,

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Speaker 2: but if you type it up, it'll come up. This

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Speaker 2: helped me find a really simple framework of being able

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Speaker 2: to have nonviolent communication in any high conflict situation.

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Speaker 1: Or I love a good framework.

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Speaker 2: And so it was like a simple three step process

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Speaker 2: something like fact, feeling and resolution. So at that before, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I made my own kind of version of it. It's

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Speaker 2: like a five step process. It has those in it,

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Speaker 2: but in my own way and added steps I think

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Speaker 2: are really beneficial that have really helped my clients. But

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Speaker 2: this simple process is, whenever you're going into a situation,

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Speaker 2: before you communicate, go in with a plan. Never go

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Speaker 2: in on an emotional high, when you're dysregulated and your

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Speaker 2: guns are bla and you're ready to throw hands. Right,

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Speaker 2: write it down on a piece of paper, what the

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Speaker 2: facts are of the situation. So what specifically happened for

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Speaker 2: this to create this problem?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 2: Not how you feel, but what happened this person didn't

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Speaker 2: do the dishes right? And then you go into kay.

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Speaker 2: Once you've got the facts, you then go into the feeling.

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Speaker 2: How did when XYZ happen? How did that make me feel?

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Speaker 2: And not I feel XYZ because he did blah blah blah.

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Speaker 2: It's in that moment I felt unsafe. In that moment,

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Speaker 2: I felt disrespected. In that moment, I felt dismissed. Those

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Speaker 2: would be good examples. Yeah, and then you go into resolution.

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Speaker 2: So instead of saying to the other person, why didn't

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Speaker 2: you fucking do xyz? You made me feel this, you're saying,

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Speaker 2: next time when something like this happens, do you think

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Speaker 2: that I could request a view to show up as XYZ?

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Speaker 2: So instead of you sitting on the lounge and not

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Speaker 2: doing the dishes when you've promised me that you would,

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Speaker 2: would you mind next time making sure that the dishes

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Speaker 2: are done before I'm home. What you're doing is you're

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Speaker 2: looking for the solution, and you're immediately going to the solution,

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Speaker 2: as opposed to saying stuck in the problem.

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Speaker 1: Oh I love that. That's really cool. I also love

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Speaker 1: what you said before about how to make things really casual. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I remember Brian Rees, our first relationship coach. He said,

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Speaker 1: a good way to approach, especially a man that is

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Speaker 1: really uncomfortable having hard conversations. I suppose anyone who doesn't

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Speaker 1: like hard conversations is doing in the car when they're driving.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Because sometimes when you sit someone down, I've

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Speaker 1: got to have a conversation with you, it's immediately wards

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Speaker 1: are up, well, immediately they're scared, Immediately they've shut down

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Speaker 1: because I feel like you're going to criticize them, they're

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Speaker 1: a trouble or whatever. Interview it feels like that, or

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Speaker 1: in interrogation is when you're casually driving, it was like, hey, gosh,

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Speaker 1: remember that thing that happened the other day. I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I'm just not really sad about that. Do you think

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Speaker 1: I'm up for you? And because they're driving, they know

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Speaker 1: you're there, they're present because they're driving, but it just

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Speaker 1: takes away that intensity. Yes, it allows to be more

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Speaker 1: a casual, flowy conversation. You'll find the personal open not

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Speaker 1: a lot more. And I use this technique with Steve

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Speaker 1: for a little while. He's a lot better just approaching

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Speaker 1: and having conversations with these days, but back when he wasn't,

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Speaker 1: it was a really good tool that I could just use.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, so smart, that's really cool. It's like how

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Speaker 2: men talk shoulder to shoulder but women talk face to face.

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Speaker 1: Yeah he heard of that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so I've spoken about it.

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Speaker 1: I have heard that before.

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Speaker 2: When I did this with one of my ex partners,

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Speaker 2: we would go to like something like Springbrook, Yeah, and

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Speaker 2: whenever we had a big conversation we need to have,

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Speaker 2: and we would walk it out for a few hours

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Speaker 2: and we would walk and talk. That's cool, And it

395
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Speaker 2: was the best thing because we didn't have to sit

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Speaker 2: like what you were just saying out of nature, you're

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Speaker 2: moving your energy, so you're not getting caught up in it.

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Speaker 2: You're not stagnant in your conversation or your energy.

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Speaker 1: That's cool. Yeah, I really love that for me too.

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Speaker 2: I think a huge thing around boundaries that people struggle

401
00:17:49,521 --> 00:17:52,561
Speaker 2: with is not knowing first where a boundary lies. And

402
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Speaker 2: I think in order to know where a boundary lies,

403
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Speaker 2: you need to know what your standards are, right. You

404
00:17:56,481 --> 00:17:59,080
Speaker 2: need to know what it is that you will accept,

405
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Speaker 2: what it is that you won't accept behavior that is

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Speaker 2: either acceptable or something that you're not willing to talk

407
00:18:05,241 --> 00:18:07,161
Speaker 2: rate in your life. I think that's a really important

408
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Speaker 2: thing to kind of have an already awareness of, like

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Speaker 2: this feels good for me, this doesn't.

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Speaker 1: I'd love to hear your opinion on this, because it

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Speaker 1: gets very great for me. It's the difference between boundaries

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Speaker 1: and standards, because sometimes I feel like I allow boundaries

413
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Speaker 1: to be crossed and then to question myself if I

414
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Speaker 1: just have really low standards in some relationships and I'm like, oh,

415
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Speaker 1: but is it a boundary or is it, oh, my

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Speaker 1: standards too high and expectations, oh, expects, Yeah, the boundary

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00:18:33,921 --> 00:18:36,160
Speaker 1: standards and expectations. You expect someone to show up a

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Speaker 1: certain way because you've got a boundary in place. But

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Speaker 1: then I your expectations too high, your standards too high?

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Speaker 1: But that's my boundary. Then should I lower my expectations

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Speaker 1: because everyone's different and everyone's showing up the best they can.

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Speaker 1: It be so hard on them, But it's still a

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Speaker 1: boundary for me, So it doesn't feel good. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: get really blurry on all of that. So how would

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Speaker 1: you coach me to be more clear on all of those?

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Speaker 2: I think the first I mean this is, at least

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Speaker 2: in my interpretation of it all, the way that I

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Speaker 2: like to understand it is that expectation is essentially the

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Speaker 2: way that you would behave in any given situation. So

430
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,240
Speaker 2: your expectation of other people is often high because you

431
00:19:10,281 --> 00:19:13,201
Speaker 2: often hold yourself to a high standard. So like, you know, say,

432
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,961
Speaker 2: we've had conversations like this before in the past of loyalty,

433
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,120
Speaker 2: friendship and loyalty, where like why didn't that person do

434
00:19:19,281 --> 00:19:21,841
Speaker 2: X y Z, Because if I were in that situation.

435
00:19:21,681 --> 00:19:22,321
Speaker 1: Would never do that.

436
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,920
Speaker 2: I would never do that. So the expectation is like

437
00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:28,321
Speaker 2: a standard from self, so like I would do what

438
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:32,481
Speaker 2: you're not doing. And then a standard is that's where

439
00:19:32,521 --> 00:19:35,240
Speaker 2: you get to discern, Okay, this is either tolerable or

440
00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:38,920
Speaker 2: not tolerable, so something I'll allow or something I won't allow.

441
00:19:39,041 --> 00:19:42,881
Speaker 2: So this is where you discern the line between acceptable, healthy,

442
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:47,360
Speaker 2: what I want in my life versus not healthy, not acceptable,

443
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,481
Speaker 2: and something I don't want in my life. Right then

444
00:19:50,801 --> 00:19:55,960
Speaker 2: the boundary is placed based off your standard. And a

445
00:19:55,961 --> 00:19:58,761
Speaker 2: boundary is not I don't like when you do X

446
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,640
Speaker 2: y Z. A boundary is when you do X y Z,

447
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:05,480
Speaker 2: I'm going to remove myself because it's unacceptable. Think that

448
00:20:05,521 --> 00:20:07,561
Speaker 2: telling somebody not to do something is a boundary, but

449
00:20:07,561 --> 00:20:10,160
Speaker 2: it's not. Telling someone to do something is not a boundary.

450
00:20:10,201 --> 00:20:13,441
Speaker 2: A boundary is when you do X y Z, I'm

451
00:20:13,481 --> 00:20:17,600
Speaker 2: going to remove myself. I'm going to stop doing XYZ.

452
00:20:18,041 --> 00:20:20,561
Speaker 2: When you do this, I'm going to pull away. A

453
00:20:20,561 --> 00:20:23,880
Speaker 2: boundary is actually self focused. It's not external, if that

454
00:20:23,921 --> 00:20:24,360
Speaker 2: makes sense.

455
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, someone crossing your boundaries has nothing to do with them.

456
00:20:26,961 --> 00:20:29,801
Speaker 1: It's what you're allowing, that's right. Yeah, And a boundary

457
00:20:29,961 --> 00:20:33,360
Speaker 1: is your lack of presence. For the most part, boundaries

458
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:36,160
Speaker 1: often aren't words. Boundaries are when you do X y Z,

459
00:20:36,241 --> 00:20:38,281
Speaker 1: I'm going to remove myself. If my partner cheats on me,

460
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:40,600
Speaker 1: I'm leaving. That's a boundary. It's a boundary.

461
00:20:40,681 --> 00:20:43,041
Speaker 2: If my partner talks to another girl on social media,

462
00:20:43,201 --> 00:20:45,521
Speaker 2: I move out, or I no longer feel safe to

463
00:20:45,521 --> 00:20:48,160
Speaker 2: have sex with you, I'm going to therapy. Boundaries are

464
00:20:48,201 --> 00:20:51,080
Speaker 2: action based, if not words, and which is why a

465
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:55,041
Speaker 2: lot of women find themselves in situations where they're saying

466
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,360
Speaker 2: the thing over and over again and telling their partner

467
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:58,960
Speaker 2: what they don't like, but then they're not getting a

468
00:20:58,961 --> 00:21:02,000
Speaker 2: different result because you actually haven't said a boundary. If

469
00:21:02,001 --> 00:21:04,321
Speaker 2: your partner's cheating on you and you still decide to stay,

470
00:21:04,441 --> 00:21:06,241
Speaker 2: but you keep telling him that you don't like it,

471
00:21:06,321 --> 00:21:08,840
Speaker 2: you're not actually doing anything. You're not setting a boundary.

472
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:11,041
Speaker 2: You're actually enabling the behavior.

473
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:14,001
Speaker 1: As a boundary, almost an unwritten contract to yourself too,

474
00:21:14,041 --> 00:21:16,480
Speaker 1: that you're going to honor. That example, if my partner

475
00:21:16,521 --> 00:21:18,640
Speaker 1: cheats on me, I'm out, but then he does it

476
00:21:18,681 --> 00:21:21,640
Speaker 1: and I stay, you've broken your own contract. Yeah, one

477
00:21:21,721 --> 00:21:22,241
Speaker 1: hundred percent.

478
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,600
Speaker 2: The way that I would see that is like, I'm

479
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:28,120
Speaker 2: not honoring my self respect Yeah, Like, if I continue

480
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,200
Speaker 2: to allow this behavior, I'm not honoring myself. I'm not

481
00:21:31,241 --> 00:21:34,080
Speaker 2: respecting myself. I don't think that what I want for

482
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:35,440
Speaker 2: myself is valid enough.

483
00:21:35,761 --> 00:21:38,360
Speaker 1: My words don't mean much. Your actions. I'm letting you

484
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,321
Speaker 1: override them. I'm letting you get away with it.

485
00:21:40,561 --> 00:21:42,600
Speaker 2: And if someone's acting a way that you don't like,

486
00:21:42,681 --> 00:21:45,600
Speaker 2: but you're allowing it unconsciously telling yourself, is I'm deserving

487
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,601
Speaker 2: of this? Yeah, I'm not worthy of anything more. I'm

488
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,521
Speaker 2: not worthy of anything better than that. To keep attracting

489
00:21:50,521 --> 00:21:52,840
Speaker 2: more of that, keep happening again and again because you

490
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,201
Speaker 2: continue to allow it in so.

491
00:21:55,241 --> 00:21:58,400
Speaker 1: Interesting, So yeah, really cool self reflection for everyone to

492
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,961
Speaker 1: do is to get really clear on what their boundaries are.

493
00:22:01,561 --> 00:22:03,561
Speaker 2: And the easiest and most simple way that you can

494
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,961
Speaker 2: do this is to like write a list in your

495
00:22:06,001 --> 00:22:11,080
Speaker 2: phone of things that you like things that you don't like. Say,

496
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,240
Speaker 2: for example, if you're in a relationship, okay, so you

497
00:22:13,241 --> 00:22:17,041
Speaker 2: can go okay, if my partner did this, would I

498
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,721
Speaker 2: be okay with it? If my partner did this, would

499
00:22:19,761 --> 00:22:22,680
Speaker 2: it be a hard fucking no? Would it be me

500
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,160
Speaker 2: leaving worthy? Do you know what I mean, like getting

501
00:22:25,201 --> 00:22:27,921
Speaker 2: really clear, because if you don't know where your.

502
00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:29,720
Speaker 1: No lies true, how would they know?

503
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:31,561
Speaker 2: How are you going to know how to set a boundary?

504
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,321
Speaker 1: And how do they know as well? That's right, Yeah,

505
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,321
Speaker 1: you got to communicate those two things. You would hear

506
00:22:35,321 --> 00:22:37,880
Speaker 1: that in relationships. I can't believe he did that, Like

507
00:22:37,921 --> 00:22:40,600
Speaker 1: he should know that. I wouldn't allow that. It's like, well,

508
00:22:41,041 --> 00:22:43,400
Speaker 1: if you haven't communicated that with your partner, how do

509
00:22:43,481 --> 00:22:45,480
Speaker 1: they know? Might be obvious to you, but to him

510
00:22:45,521 --> 00:22:47,360
Speaker 1: it might have been okay to his previous relationships. So

511
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,600
Speaker 1: he's like, whoa, you're overreacting. My last partner was cool

512
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,081
Speaker 1: with this, Like what you even't told me that you're

513
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:52,680
Speaker 1: not okay with that?

514
00:22:52,761 --> 00:22:55,880
Speaker 2: And also as well, like every human is their own being,

515
00:22:56,321 --> 00:23:01,161
Speaker 2: we have a different set of ideals, standards, values, beliefs,

516
00:23:01,201 --> 00:23:03,321
Speaker 2: all that sort of stuff. So to expect that your

517
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:06,360
Speaker 2: partners to know exactly how you're feeling about something, you

518
00:23:06,441 --> 00:23:09,561
Speaker 2: might feel so strongly about something. To him, he's like, eh, whatever, yeah,

519
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:10,321
Speaker 2: and vice versa.

520
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,561
Speaker 1: So true, you know, so true?

521
00:23:13,041 --> 00:23:15,481
Speaker 2: What is it saying? Closed mouths don't get fed?

522
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,841
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that's such a good one. I hope

523
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:22,081
Speaker 1: there's lots that has landed for everyone listening today because

524
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,760
Speaker 1: it's something we really can't avoid. You can try to avoid,

525
00:23:24,801 --> 00:23:27,801
Speaker 1: but if you can't communicate and have hard conversations, you

526
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,640
Speaker 1: will see that your relationships will either break down or

527
00:23:30,681 --> 00:23:33,761
Speaker 1: they won't have the level of depth, trust and connection

528
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:37,281
Speaker 1: that you know your heart's desiring. Another thing too, I'll

529
00:23:37,321 --> 00:23:40,120
Speaker 1: just finish off this is to not go in blaming.

530
00:23:40,761 --> 00:23:43,321
Speaker 1: As soon as you do that. Walls are straight up,

531
00:23:43,521 --> 00:23:45,640
Speaker 1: they're on the defensive, and you're not going to get

532
00:23:45,801 --> 00:23:48,041
Speaker 1: anywhere close to them like you're wanting to get. You're

533
00:23:48,041 --> 00:23:49,920
Speaker 1: not going to resolve anything. They're going to feel like

534
00:23:50,201 --> 00:23:52,481
Speaker 1: it's all their fault, or they're going to point the

535
00:23:52,521 --> 00:23:54,001
Speaker 1: finger back at you, and you're going to get back

536
00:23:54,041 --> 00:23:57,521
Speaker 1: into that back and forth vicious cycle of blaming each other. Yeah,

537
00:23:57,721 --> 00:24:00,761
Speaker 1: going with how you feel, going with clarity, gone with facts.

538
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:03,201
Speaker 1: How hold space for each other to have their own

539
00:24:03,201 --> 00:24:06,080
Speaker 1: experience because a lot of the time in conflict, you

540
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,041
Speaker 1: both have your own story. Yeah, and both are actually

541
00:24:09,041 --> 00:24:12,041
Speaker 1: really true. You both felt a certain way, you both

542
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,840
Speaker 1: heard certain things and certain things happened, But we get

543
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,561
Speaker 1: stuck in our own head forgetting that they've had their

544
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,041
Speaker 1: own experience as well, So allow that to come in

545
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:22,400
Speaker 1: and hold that without reacting and vice versa. And I

546
00:24:22,441 --> 00:24:27,321
Speaker 1: guarantee most conversations unless they're anarcissist, you'll be able to

547
00:24:27,321 --> 00:24:30,721
Speaker 1: work through, you know, assuming the best. Yeah, assuming the best.

548
00:24:30,721 --> 00:24:33,640
Speaker 1: That's beautiful. We hope you guys enjoyed this and hopefully

549
00:24:33,681 --> 00:24:35,160
Speaker 1: got lots out of it. If you need to rewind

550
00:24:35,201 --> 00:24:37,001
Speaker 1: and go back and write anything down, I advise you

551
00:24:37,041 --> 00:24:40,680
Speaker 1: to because being able to kindly effectively communicate is a

552
00:24:40,721 --> 00:24:43,521
Speaker 1: big life skill yeap, that we all need and we'll

553
00:24:43,561 --> 00:24:44,601
Speaker 1: benefit from.

554
00:24:44,921 --> 00:24:46,961
Speaker 2: Yeah, beautiful, Thanks for joining us, ladies.

555
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:50,761
Speaker 1: Bye