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Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Risers podcast. I'm Ashy

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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.

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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment.

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Speaker 3: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most

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Speaker 3: authentic version of yourself.

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Speaker 1: We'd help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.

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Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to Shoe Guysers with your favorite hosts,

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Speaker 1: Ashley and Tiana. Hello. Today's episode is all about relationships.

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Speaker 1: We are diving deep. We are exposing ourselves. We are

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Speaker 1: letting you know that our gal is single.

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Speaker 2: I'm single gal.

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Speaker 1: But before we get into all the tea, what's your

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Speaker 1: share of the week?

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Speaker 3: My share of the week is simply just a perspective shift.

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Speaker 3: If you don't use it.

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Speaker 2: You lose it.

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Speaker 1: Oh so true.

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Speaker 3: And this applies to everything in life, whether it be

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Speaker 3: your confidence, whether it be you're going to the gym,

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Speaker 3: whether it be your ability to be consistent in your work, in.

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Speaker 1: Your anything, really anything.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, honestly, if you you can just consistently work towards

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Speaker 3: the things that you're working towards you will always feel better,

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Speaker 3: you'll always feel more consistent. But if you stop doing it,

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Speaker 3: you're going to lose it. You're not gonna feel as confident.

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Speaker 3: So just remember that you haven't fallen off.

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Speaker 2: You've just walked into another room.

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Speaker 1: It feels hard, right if you stop it. Consistency is

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Speaker 1: key for everything. Yeah, really is mine? Is just a

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Speaker 1: quote that I saw on Jay Shetty's Instagram. You lose

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Speaker 1: nothing by wanting everyone to win, and you win nothing

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Speaker 1: by wanting everyone to lose.

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Speaker 3: Oh cool, Yeah, that's a cool perspective.

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Speaker 2: It's so true. It doesn't take much to just like

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Speaker 2: want good for other people.

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Speaker 1: You win wanting everyone to win, and then it doesn't

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Speaker 1: benefit you. Nothing takes away from you with other people winning.

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Speaker 1: Even in this competitive space of business, there's room for everyone. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: the right customers for you're going to connect with what

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Speaker 1: you do and love what you do, and if not,

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Speaker 1: they'll go elsewhere.

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Speaker 2: That's so true.

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Speaker 1: Yes, there's competition, but I just think there's room for everyone,

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Speaker 1: and you just have to stand out and be different

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Speaker 1: and stay in your own lane.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, Blinder is on.

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Speaker 1: Love it all right, let's get into it. So it's

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Speaker 1: a big episode. Like we said before, we are diving

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Speaker 1: deep into all things relationships. We're going to talk about

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Speaker 1: how we show up a relationship, things that we carry

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Speaker 1: shame for. I'm going to talk very vulnerably about how

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Speaker 1: you used to treat step in certain ways. But first

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Speaker 1: of all, the elephant in the room, no more silver Fox,

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Speaker 1: you're single?

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Speaker 2: No more silver Fuck?

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Speaker 1: What the fuck happened? Tell all?

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Speaker 2: What do you want to know?

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Speaker 1: I want to know everything, because obviously you have spoken

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Speaker 1: a little bit about your relationship the last couple of months,

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Speaker 1: and it was kind of new, and you did dive

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Speaker 1: deep in with him. What happened?

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Speaker 3: I know that I've spoken quite highly of him on

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Speaker 3: the podcast, and again I'm not going to come on

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Speaker 3: here and not speak highly of him. But there were

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Speaker 3: things in the relationship that just weren't working out, and

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Speaker 3: things that I missed from the very beginning that I

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Speaker 3: wish I had paid attention to more that my intuition

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Speaker 3: was saying, Hey, you need to look at this like

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Speaker 3: this isn't something that you want in a partner. And

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Speaker 3: it's not to shit on him as a person whatsoever,

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Speaker 3: but it's just from the very beginning, I remember one like.

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Speaker 2: I wasn't ready.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so I knew that and I felt that, and

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Speaker 3: I actually ended things before they had even started, and

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Speaker 3: then we came back into contact and then it kind

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Speaker 3: of went from there. But I became a person that

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Speaker 3: I'm not proud of. The relationship evoked in me, like

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Speaker 3: a version of myself that I don't want to be.

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Speaker 1: Can you give you an example what came out in

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Speaker 1: you in the relationship that you were like, Oh, wow,

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Speaker 1: this is not bringing out a good side of me.

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Speaker 3: I yelled at him out the front of a restaurant.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I yelled at him.

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Speaker 1: So out of character for you. You're just not an

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Speaker 1: angry person. And when you communicate, it's always delivered so

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Speaker 1: respectfully and kindly and calmly. So that's really out of

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Speaker 1: character for you.

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Speaker 3: I got up from the table at a restaurant at

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Speaker 3: ten o'clock in the morning, surrounded by people, got up,

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Speaker 3: left the table when we had already ordered our food,

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Speaker 3: and walked out, and he followed me out and I

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Speaker 3: yelled at him to get away from me. All I

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Speaker 3: needed was a minute, to take a minute, because I

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Speaker 3: was so disregulated at what he was fighting with me about.

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Speaker 3: It was like something that had been delayed from you know,

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Speaker 3: a couple of days. So it was a up and

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Speaker 3: a build up of things. We were both bickering at

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Speaker 3: each other at and I remember like yelling at him,

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Speaker 3: being like, I need you to leave me alone.

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Speaker 1: It just pushed a bit too far.

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Speaker 3: He pushed and I just needed to regulate myself, but

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Speaker 3: he wouldn't give me the space. And it was like

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Speaker 3: so overwhelming in the moment. But what I noticed throughout

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Speaker 3: the relationship and something that I spoke to him often about,

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Speaker 3: he would antagonize me. Don't get me wrong, he was

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Speaker 3: a great human as a beautiful man. He's a beautiful

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Speaker 3: man and like I truly truly believe that, but when triggered.

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Speaker 1: I can't hold it for each other.

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Speaker 2: We can't hold it for each other.

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Speaker 1: It was really cool throughout this process though, because Tianna

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Speaker 1: and I talk a lot about attachment styles, and if

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Speaker 1: you haven't learned about them, highly recommend it because it

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Speaker 1: is game change and once you understand your attachment style

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Speaker 1: and other people's and also how you can flip depending

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Speaker 1: on the person. And you noticed in this dynamic he

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Speaker 1: was more of anxious and in your last relationship, you

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Speaker 1: were more anxious. Yeah, so you had a lot of

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Speaker 1: compassion for where he was at. And you can see

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Speaker 1: how you shut up in your last lifelationship, and it

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Speaker 1: was really cool for you to be like, WHOA, I

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Speaker 1: can really see how this is playing out and how

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Speaker 1: he feels how I felt, And it was really cool

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Speaker 1: to like see the dynamic switch. You found that really interesting.

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Speaker 3: It was a really eye opening experience for me because,

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Speaker 3: like what you mentioned, in my last relationship, I did

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Speaker 3: fall on the more anxious side, but in this relationship

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Speaker 3: I went to the complete opposite end. And I can

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Speaker 3: tend to do that like I have it what they

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Speaker 3: call like a disorganized attachment. So what happens is you

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Speaker 3: experience both. You can lean both anxious and you can

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Speaker 3: lean both avoidant, depending on the situation that you're in.

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Speaker 3: So for me in this relationship, I felt to the

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Speaker 3: more avoidant side. And what that evoked that dynamic.

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Speaker 1: It was like a push and pull.

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Speaker 3: Dynamic of me leaning out or in his words, not

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Speaker 3: caring as much and him being the one that was

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Speaker 3: pouring two hundred percent to the relationship, but I was

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Speaker 3: only pouring in one hundred and those were his words.

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Speaker 1: And when the avoidant avoids, the anxious leans in more,

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Speaker 1: which makes the avoidant lean out more. And it's this

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Speaker 1: vicious cycle. We've all played it, everyone has to, even

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Speaker 1: I have played that dynamic. We've switched roles. Everyone that

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Speaker 1: is listening. You can understand it's not one person's bad

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Speaker 1: or it's wrong. It's true, not at all. Different dynamics

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Speaker 1: will bring out different attachments.

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Speaker 3: True, different things, right, Because in this relationship dynamic, whenever

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Speaker 3: he would lean in, I would be like, oh my god,

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Speaker 3: I need space. I feel like I'm not getting enough space.

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Speaker 3: And also for him, he wanted me to be more

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Speaker 3: of like the stay at home mum and to be

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Speaker 3: taken care of and all that stuff. And don't get

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Speaker 3: me wrong, I love all of that and think there's

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Speaker 3: anything wrong with that. But for me, I would always

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Speaker 3: press the point of like being independent and wanting my

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Speaker 3: own money and wanting to be able to provide for

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Speaker 3: myself and all of those things, because I think women

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Speaker 3: should have that. I think every woman should know how

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Speaker 3: to be able to provide for themselves, make their own money,

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Speaker 3: and to be able to support themselves financially, and then

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Speaker 3: if they want their partners to come and do that

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Speaker 3: on top, like it's a bonus, right, because then it

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Speaker 3: comes from a protecting place. It comes from I'm going

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Speaker 3: to provide for you, but not I need to rely

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Speaker 3: on you financially to support me.

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Speaker 2: And for him, he didn't.

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Speaker 3: Really love that, Like he didn't love that I wanted

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Speaker 3: to be more independent, and it would cause fights between us. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: and so I would need space and want to pull away,

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Speaker 3: and then he would come closer, and then I would

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Speaker 3: get even further away. It's really interesting when you have

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Speaker 3: more awareness, you're aware of what you're doing, but in

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Speaker 3: the moment it's so triggering that you need the space.

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Speaker 1: One hundred percent. And I think from what I've heard

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Speaker 1: from you too, and you can put it in your

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Speaker 1: own words, but he really wanted it to be you

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Speaker 1: two against the world, solid team. Not that you didn't

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Speaker 1: want a team, but just you two and no one

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Speaker 1: else mattered. He really wanted that in a relationship. Obviously

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Speaker 1: values that and that's fine. But for you, it's like,

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Speaker 1: I've also got girlfriends, I've also got passion projects, I've

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Speaker 1: also got hobbies. I've also got a big family. You

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Speaker 1: had so many other things going on in your life,

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Speaker 1: So if you would decline hanging out with him or

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Speaker 1: doing something with him because you had other things planned.

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Speaker 1: He then was like, but I want to be with you.

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Speaker 1: We should be doing this together. Why would you want

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Speaker 1: to go on a girls ship? Like, let's do that together.

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Speaker 1: So it was that valuing different things and wanting different

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Speaker 1: things that also can cause a bit of conflict or

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Speaker 1: just friction of like, oh, are we wanting different things?

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Speaker 2: It was a bit of friction.

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Speaker 3: And I think also us being at different stages of

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Speaker 3: life as well, like he was I feel very ready

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Speaker 3: to settle down, get married, have children, and that was

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Speaker 3: something that he very much vocalized that he wanted within

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Speaker 3: the dynamic and relationship because he was that very like

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Speaker 3: it's us against the world kind of Bonnie and Clyde

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Speaker 3: kind of relationship. And that's so beautiful, and you know what,

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Speaker 3: he is a beautiful man, and he did treat me

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Speaker 3: so beautifully and always wanted me to be happy and always,

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Speaker 3: you know, made sure that you know, he was always

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Speaker 3: checking like are you happy? Like are you this at?

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Speaker 3: Like what do you want? And he would intuitively do

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Speaker 3: things that he would know would make me happy, you know.

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Speaker 3: But then also on the flip side of that there

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Speaker 3: was also this aspect of our relationship where it was

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Speaker 3: very turbulent as well, Like I remember coming to you

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Speaker 3: and saying all the time, I'm exhausted from doing this

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Speaker 3: dance with him because he's like gets so emotionally upset

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Speaker 3: at everything that I do. I feel like nothing that

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Speaker 3: I do is good enough because there's always something that's

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Speaker 3: a problem.

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Speaker 1: I felt like a dimmed your light a little bit

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Speaker 1: because you were almost like if I do that, I

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Speaker 1: hope that doesn't upset him, or if I say this,

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Speaker 1: oh gosh, I wonder how he responded that I book this, Oh,

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Speaker 1: but I just need to check with Lee. And it's

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Speaker 1: from a caring place, but from an outside it made

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Speaker 1: you not be as free to just be your authentic

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Speaker 1: self because you didn't want to upset him.

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Speaker 3: To some degree, I felt that there was a certain

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Speaker 3: image that he wanted me to uphold, because he would say, like,

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Speaker 3: I'm quite a conservative person, and don't get me wrong,

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Speaker 3: like so am I too, but there are levels to it, right,

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Speaker 3: and so obviously my level was different to his level,

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Speaker 3: and he wanted me and to show people on the

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Speaker 3: outside of like a certain image and like I so

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Speaker 3: get that, like there's nothing wrong with that, but for me,

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Speaker 3: it felt like it put a lid on my expression

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Speaker 3: and my personality and who I actually am that I

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Speaker 3: was starting to question and go, okay, can I do this?

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Speaker 2: Am I allowed to do this?

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Speaker 3: Like for thinking, what's it called like when you foresee

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Speaker 3: the future of like, yes, okay, this is going to

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Speaker 3: upset him, I shouldn't say that. Walking on eggshells, I

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Speaker 3: started to like limit myself and from.

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Speaker 1: A considerate place, because you're a very considerate.

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Speaker 3: Pros from a considerate place, like there were you know,

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Speaker 3: many times where I would post something on the podcast

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Speaker 3: so you'd be like, I don't like this, this doesn't

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Speaker 3: feel good for me. And like, as a team, I

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Speaker 3: understand why he would say that. And then also as

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Speaker 3: a partner, of course, I want to be able to

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Speaker 3: show up for you and make you know as my

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Speaker 3: partner that I'm going to do those things for you.

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Speaker 3: But there's also where's the line in that, where's the

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Speaker 3: line of like compromising versus shutting down your expression? And

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Speaker 3: I think especially when we would fight and argue, it

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Speaker 3: would escalate so quickly that it would be like he'd

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Speaker 3: be threatening We'll just like leave them. You know, and

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Speaker 3: for me, I've said this to Ashley so many times.

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Speaker 3: All I've want in a partner is someone who can

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Speaker 3: be still respectful regardless of how mad they are. And

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Speaker 3: within this relationship, I felt like I wasn't listening to

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Speaker 3: what I needed because I could see that it was turbulent.

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Speaker 3: I could see that we were arguing and fighting and

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Speaker 3: it was getting more frequent.

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Speaker 2: Even when we went to Byron.

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Speaker 3: Right before I came to Byron to hang out with

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Speaker 3: everyone for New Years, we had a fight in the car.

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Speaker 3: I was late for like hours because we were arguing

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Speaker 3: in the car, you know, And it's just I was like,

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Speaker 3: what is happening like for somebody who's been in this

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Speaker 3: for three months or how long it was, that we

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Speaker 3: are bickering and arguing so intensely that this is not okay,

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Speaker 3: Like something about this is not right. And there's a

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Speaker 3: difference between arguing.

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Speaker 1: And growing together and growing together.

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Speaker 3: Being able to hold each other's triggers to oh wow,

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Speaker 3: this actually doesn't feel right with relationships.

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Speaker 1: My personal opinion, you want it to be peaceful on

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Speaker 1: your nervous system. Doesn't mean there's not going to be

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Speaker 1: turbulent times, but being able to navigate that together, but

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Speaker 1: fewers like Hi, Hi, lo low, It's gonna happen.

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Speaker 3: It was, It was so if, so much emotional whiplash.

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Speaker 3: It was so confusing, and especially when it comes to

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Speaker 3: like being intimate. Any woman who's listening knows what this

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Speaker 3: feels like, and his knows exactly what I'm about to say.

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Speaker 3: When you have that turbulent kind of emotional whiplash where

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Speaker 3: you're going high highs and low lows, you don't want

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Speaker 3: to have sex with them, No, like you don't because emotionally, yeah,

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Speaker 3: your body closes up energetically and physically, and the last

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Speaker 3: thing that you want to do after just having gone

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Speaker 3: at each other for three hours is to literally just

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Speaker 3: have sex in order to repair the relationship. Whereas, like

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Speaker 3: for him, physical touch and being physical is.

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Speaker 2: How you repair.

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Speaker 3: It's like the final way back to normal. But for me,

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Speaker 3: I'm like, well, now I need two days.

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Speaker 1: I need to feel safe, I need to connect, I

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Speaker 1: need you to feel my pain, need to feel validated.

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Speaker 1: We need to solve this, we need to make sure

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Speaker 1: this doesn't happen again. There's so much connection and safe

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Speaker 1: you need.

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Speaker 3: Unred percent and even something that I've never wanted to

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Speaker 3: actually allow in a relationship is like disrespect.

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Speaker 2: But he did in some way, do you know what

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Speaker 2: I mean?

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Speaker 3: Like there was a moment where we were having an

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Speaker 3: argument and he told me to fuck off because of

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Speaker 3: something that I said. And that was the moment for

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Speaker 3: me where I was just like, this is not it. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I was like my future husband would fucking never speak

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Speaker 3: to me like that. And it was just this pivotal

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Speaker 3: like oh my god, yeah, this is not it for me,

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Speaker 3: and I actually I'm done.

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Speaker 1: Some things can't be undone. Yeah, don't forget how someone

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Speaker 1: made you feel in that moment. And then I just

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Speaker 1: remember you saying to me like, this is going to

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Speaker 1: happen this moment what happens when we have kids and

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Speaker 1: we go through really hard times together, Like is this

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Speaker 1: is a noutial reaction that I'm going to have to

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Speaker 1: like bear and hold the rest of my life. I

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Speaker 1: can do that, That's right.

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Speaker 3: And when that moment did happen, I remember saying to

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Speaker 3: him like, I just feel really unsafe at the moment,

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Speaker 3: like he was trying to touch and repair and all

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Speaker 3: the things. I was like, I just need a minute,

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Speaker 3: Like I know you didn't mean what you said. But

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Speaker 3: I still feel unsafe in my body and I just

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Speaker 3: need a moment to recoup so that I can come

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Speaker 3: back to you and know that I'm going to be

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Speaker 3: able to communicate with you in a way that's not

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Speaker 3: aggressive or defensive or anything like that, because you know,

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Speaker 3: obviously I'm not perfect in this relationship as well, Like okay,

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Speaker 3: I don't know, I mean pretty close like and don't

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Speaker 3: get me wrong, like I'm so capable of being a

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Speaker 3: bitch and being defensive and passive aggressive in all the things,

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Speaker 3: but it brought out that side of me that I'm

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Speaker 3: not proud of being, and it's not someone that I

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Speaker 3: want to be on a day to day basis. So again,

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Speaker 3: I'm not saying that I'm perfect in this relationship. And

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Speaker 3: I didn't contribute, because I absolutely did. And when we

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Speaker 3: were in those fights and arguments, yes, I was getting

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Speaker 3: defensive because of I felt like I had my backup

340
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Speaker 3: against a wall, and obviously so did he, right, So

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Speaker 3: it was like we just were not clashing in the

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Speaker 3: way that we were meant to, and just for some

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Speaker 3: reason us together just triggered each other's wounds. And it

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Speaker 3: wasn't something that I thought.

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Speaker 1: It was in a productive way. It wasn't productive in relationships,

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Speaker 1: you know that you're going to be triggered and they

347
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Speaker 1: are your biggest teachers vitally.

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Speaker 3: As time went on and I started listening to more

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Speaker 3: to my intuition, and I had more evidence that we

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Speaker 3: were fighting all the time. And then I was, you know,

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Speaker 3: future projecting into the future. What happens if we get married?

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Speaker 3: Then what what happens if I have a baby? And

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Speaker 3: then we're bickering in the way that we are now,

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Speaker 3: Like what happens when we're not having sex? Then? You know,

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Speaker 3: because for him, like a lot of closeness again was

356
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Speaker 3: us repairing, And like when the sex was there, it

357
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Speaker 3: was like the relationship is good, But when the sex

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Speaker 3: wasn't there, it was like the relationship was on eggshells.

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Speaker 3: Took place, he took it personally, it couldn't be stable

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Speaker 3: without the sex element. And don't get me wrong, I

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00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:04,761
Speaker 3: also understand that sex is you know, it ties a

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Speaker 3: relationationship in, but it's not the only thing.

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Speaker 1: So many women listening will be like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: so been there, so felt that, so relatable. So thank

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Speaker 1: you for being so honest and vulnerable, And I feel

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Speaker 1: like you are so good at always cleaning up your

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Speaker 1: own lane and taking responsibility. This is only all the nutshell,

368
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Speaker 1: but there's been a lot of conversations and you're like, wow,

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Speaker 1: I can really see how I need to work on this.

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Speaker 1: Holy shit, that weren't still there. Oh that crept up again.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to really work on that. You know, you

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Speaker 1: take so much responsibility and really admire you for that.

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Speaker 1: And relationships are not easy, No, they really are not,

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Speaker 1: because I feel like you are someone who wants to

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Speaker 1: do the work and you're so more than prepared to

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Speaker 1: do that, but you do need the safe part and

377
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Speaker 1: to be able to do that, and the personalities do

378
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Speaker 1: need to mesh in some sort in some way.

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Speaker 3: I think at the end of the day, it's just

380
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Speaker 3: about me knowing that like it wasn't my person, yes,

381
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Speaker 3: and like not putting pressure on myself to be like,

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Speaker 3: oh shit, like it wasn't my person yeah.

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Speaker 1: And also no regrets, because I remember you saying to

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Speaker 1: me one comment it was like, you know, my intuition

385
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Speaker 1: was there at the start, I shouldn't have gone into

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Speaker 1: this relationship. I was like, I can see how you feel.

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Speaker 1: But also no regrets, do you know, unless you try yes,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. True, And you've learned so much in

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00:16:09,161 --> 00:16:11,201
Speaker 1: this relationship about how you want to be treated, what

390
00:16:11,241 --> 00:16:13,841
Speaker 1: you can and can't have, the different parts you still

391
00:16:13,881 --> 00:16:15,801
Speaker 1: need to work on. That's incredible. That's a part of

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Speaker 1: your journey. It's a chapter that's closed. Yes, it's a

393
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Speaker 1: chapter that taught you so much. So anyone listening, don't

394
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Speaker 1: be like use that language of I shouldn't have gone there,

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Speaker 1: I shouldn't have done that, because it was a part

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Speaker 1: of your chapter. And now you're here and you get

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Speaker 1: to take those lessons and use them moving forward. And

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Speaker 1: that's beautiful.

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Speaker 3: It's so true, and it is it's so beautiful. And

400
00:16:32,361 --> 00:16:34,241
Speaker 3: it's something I've said to you before. And what I

401
00:16:34,281 --> 00:16:36,961
Speaker 3: truly believe is that every relationship that I have, it

402
00:16:37,041 --> 00:16:39,881
Speaker 3: increasingly gets better. So like I said to actually after

403
00:16:40,081 --> 00:16:41,641
Speaker 3: I had broken up with him, I was like, I

404
00:16:41,681 --> 00:16:44,401
Speaker 3: don't feel in lack. Like I don't feel in lack

405
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Speaker 3: because I know that one. I've learned so much. I'm

406
00:16:47,401 --> 00:16:50,601
Speaker 3: so grateful for it. I've learned more things about myself,

407
00:16:50,641 --> 00:16:52,921
Speaker 3: about other people, how to be a better partner, what

408
00:16:53,041 --> 00:16:55,441
Speaker 3: I don't want, what I don't want to do. And

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Speaker 3: then also from there it's like, Okay, cool, well it's

410
00:16:57,681 --> 00:17:00,081
Speaker 3: either this or something better. Yes, you know, it's either

411
00:17:00,121 --> 00:17:02,761
Speaker 3: this or something better. And knowing that you know, now

412
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Speaker 3: with this newfound awareness that I've had in this dynamic,

413
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Speaker 3: I can then take that and grow and be better

414
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Speaker 3: in the next one as well, which you can too.

415
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Speaker 3: So I think that's a really powerful perspective to have,

416
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Speaker 3: especially if you are in the dating world. It can

417
00:17:15,761 --> 00:17:17,921
Speaker 3: be really easy to fall into that, like that lack

418
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,281
Speaker 3: mindset of like, oh, well it didn't work out. It

419
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,601
Speaker 3: must be because of me, or it didn't work out

420
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,720
Speaker 3: because something's wrong, or whatever reason you might have. But

421
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Speaker 3: just being able to shift the perspective into is either

422
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Speaker 3: this or something better? And with every relationship, I'm going

423
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,201
Speaker 3: to grow and become a grand eversion of myself.

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Speaker 1: Love us So cool. All right, let's talk about exposing ourselves.

425
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Speaker 1: So we just think there's so many valuable lessons in

426
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Speaker 1: being vulnerable and sharing the not so pretty parts about

427
00:17:47,561 --> 00:17:50,080
Speaker 1: ourselves that we may have carried shame for. And even

428
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,961
Speaker 1: on the way up here when we were talking about

429
00:17:51,961 --> 00:17:54,521
Speaker 1: this episode, I was like, oh, I just I have

430
00:17:54,681 --> 00:17:57,880
Speaker 1: guilt for different ways I've shown up to Steve and

431
00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:59,680
Speaker 1: how I've treated him, how I've spoken to him, and

432
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Speaker 1: how I've dealt with conflict, and even you talking about

433
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Speaker 1: your most recent partner, I'm like, I used to do

434
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Speaker 1: that to Steve, pull my weapons out or put him down,

435
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,001
Speaker 1: or I felt like I was hurting so much from

436
00:18:11,041 --> 00:18:14,281
Speaker 1: something that I wanted him to hurt as well. And

437
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,961
Speaker 1: it's definitely not how I've shown up this last year.

438
00:18:16,961 --> 00:18:18,200
Speaker 1: And I was saying to Tiana've got a lot of

439
00:18:18,241 --> 00:18:20,880
Speaker 1: gratitude for our friendship once again, because I just feel

440
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,801
Speaker 1: like you have helped me really learn how to communicate

441
00:18:23,801 --> 00:18:26,120
Speaker 1: in a better way. And there's been certain situations this

442
00:18:26,201 --> 00:18:29,321
Speaker 1: last year that have really rattled me. I've really looked

443
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:31,481
Speaker 1: at myself and gone, how do I want to show

444
00:18:31,521 --> 00:18:33,001
Speaker 1: up in this How do I want to treat people,

445
00:18:33,201 --> 00:18:35,521
Speaker 1: especially my husband, the one person who I love more

446
00:18:35,561 --> 00:18:38,321
Speaker 1: than anything in this whole entire world. And sometimes the

447
00:18:38,321 --> 00:18:40,880
Speaker 1: people closest to us, it's easy for them to be

448
00:18:40,921 --> 00:18:43,761
Speaker 1: our punching bags, but it's not right, and we always

449
00:18:43,801 --> 00:18:46,400
Speaker 1: have a choice how we treat someone. But yeah, I

450
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,760
Speaker 1: thought we'd talk about the ways we have shown up

451
00:18:48,801 --> 00:18:51,041
Speaker 1: that we're not so proud of. And for me, yeah,

452
00:18:51,041 --> 00:18:53,360
Speaker 1: I would pull weapons out. If I felt hurt or

453
00:18:53,481 --> 00:18:55,840
Speaker 1: not heard, I would pull a weapon out, not a

454
00:18:55,840 --> 00:19:01,880
Speaker 1: physical weapon, feel metaph Yeah, I would say something that

455
00:19:01,921 --> 00:19:04,440
Speaker 1: I know would hurt him because I was hurting so

456
00:19:04,521 --> 00:19:06,120
Speaker 1: much I wanted to bring him down to my level.

457
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,441
Speaker 1: And this was not a conscious thing.

458
00:19:07,561 --> 00:19:07,840
Speaker 2: Yeah.

459
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,041
Speaker 1: Now I look back, I'm like, oh, that was not

460
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,801
Speaker 1: productive at all. And the way I've kind of moved

461
00:19:13,801 --> 00:19:17,000
Speaker 1: through that is learning more about communication, practicing it and

462
00:19:17,001 --> 00:19:18,481
Speaker 1: not with him. It was with someone else that I've

463
00:19:18,521 --> 00:19:23,001
Speaker 1: really had to practice my responses, my tone, my language,

464
00:19:23,721 --> 00:19:26,241
Speaker 1: And it comes down to a lot of how regulated

465
00:19:26,241 --> 00:19:30,120
Speaker 1: your nervous system is. If you are constantly like disregulated,

466
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,601
Speaker 1: you will be on hairline trigger to react and respond

467
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,721
Speaker 1: in a way that you're not proud of. The more

468
00:19:35,761 --> 00:19:38,321
Speaker 1: I've focused on that, the more I can actually take

469
00:19:38,321 --> 00:19:40,041
Speaker 1: a breath and be able to respond in a way

470
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,161
Speaker 1: that I'm proud of. So yeah, that was my biggest thing,

471
00:19:43,281 --> 00:19:46,520
Speaker 1: is dropping the weapons and reminding myself too, like we

472
00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:50,440
Speaker 1: are on the same team, we both want the same things.

473
00:19:50,721 --> 00:19:54,001
Speaker 1: I don't win by being right, I don't win by

474
00:19:54,001 --> 00:19:58,080
Speaker 1: putting you down. I don't win by highlighting your shit

475
00:19:58,281 --> 00:20:01,321
Speaker 1: or the things that you've done it doesn't get you anywhere.

476
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,561
Speaker 1: It actually disconnects you more and gets you further away

477
00:20:03,561 --> 00:20:05,561
Speaker 1: from what you want. What we want here is to

478
00:20:05,561 --> 00:20:09,601
Speaker 1: be in love. What we want here is to be connected, valued, validated,

479
00:20:09,721 --> 00:20:11,960
Speaker 1: and heard. So it's being able to sit with the

480
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:14,561
Speaker 1: discomfort of them being able to tell us what they're

481
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:16,721
Speaker 1: feeling or what we've done. I'm being able to work

482
00:20:16,761 --> 00:20:18,360
Speaker 1: through that together. And a lot of the time, you

483
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:22,721
Speaker 1: know what, both experiences can be different, but both really true.

484
00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:25,161
Speaker 1: How I felt and how you felt in that might

485
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,801
Speaker 1: be completely different, but it's both our experiences and being

486
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:30,321
Speaker 1: able to hold that and learn from that and say, Okay,

487
00:20:30,321 --> 00:20:33,521
Speaker 1: well next time, what did I say that really upset you? Okay, cool,

488
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,080
Speaker 1: I can do that again because I love you. Yeah,

489
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:37,880
Speaker 1: And my goal here is to be in love and

490
00:20:37,921 --> 00:20:40,480
Speaker 1: be connected. So it's been really cool to practice that.

491
00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:44,720
Speaker 1: It's crazy, after seventeen years how much this relationship still

492
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:49,921
Speaker 1: challenges me, but to be better. It's so cool and

493
00:20:50,321 --> 00:20:53,321
Speaker 1: not to compare, but I'm excited for you to find

494
00:20:53,321 --> 00:20:56,120
Speaker 1: someone that you can do that dance with because the

495
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,801
Speaker 1: one thing I've learned from you too. If you wanting

496
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,400
Speaker 1: someone that can be angry and still respectful. That is, Steve,

497
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,681
Speaker 1: and it's really nice. I don't think I would cope. Well,

498
00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,961
Speaker 1: I wasn't respectful. So having two people that are not

499
00:21:06,001 --> 00:21:09,880
Speaker 1: respectful to the arguments, thank you, Steep. But it is

500
00:21:09,961 --> 00:21:12,921
Speaker 1: really important to be able to hold each other's pain

501
00:21:12,961 --> 00:21:15,321
Speaker 1: and hear each other but still be kind in those

502
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,201
Speaker 1: moments of triggers.

503
00:21:16,321 --> 00:21:16,841
Speaker 2: So important.

504
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,801
Speaker 1: It's so important because if you don't over the years,

505
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,880
Speaker 1: you're cutting that wound and you're going to make it

506
00:21:20,921 --> 00:21:23,361
Speaker 1: bleed even more to one day it's unrepairable.

507
00:21:23,441 --> 00:21:24,321
Speaker 2: Death by a thousand cut.

508
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,001
Speaker 1: That's what I was thinking of. And yeah, I look

509
00:21:27,041 --> 00:21:29,200
Speaker 1: back and reflect in the last seventeen years, I'm like

510
00:21:29,241 --> 00:21:32,440
Speaker 1: far out. I definitely contributed to a lot of pain

511
00:21:32,761 --> 00:21:36,801
Speaker 1: and disconnection, and I can just take so much responsibility

512
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,761
Speaker 1: in the disconnection in different chapters of our relationship. But

513
00:21:40,801 --> 00:21:43,200
Speaker 1: I feel like this last year it's just changed and

514
00:21:43,241 --> 00:21:45,201
Speaker 1: grown so much. We're in such a good place because

515
00:21:45,241 --> 00:21:47,241
Speaker 1: of all that work. Hate when people say, oh, you're

516
00:21:47,281 --> 00:21:49,241
Speaker 1: so lucky that you've got a good relationship or a

517
00:21:49,281 --> 00:21:51,680
Speaker 1: good husband, It's like, it's not luck. There's been so

518
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:56,321
Speaker 1: much work and so much consciousness and taking responsibility to

519
00:21:56,321 --> 00:21:58,360
Speaker 1: get to a place where you can navigate things like

520
00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,241
Speaker 1: that so beautifully.

521
00:21:59,441 --> 00:22:02,961
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not luck like you have consciously every single

522
00:22:02,961 --> 00:22:04,440
Speaker 3: time that you guys would have had a fight or

523
00:22:04,441 --> 00:22:07,080
Speaker 3: an argument, or when you were both triggered or when

524
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,961
Speaker 3: something had you know, hit the fan or whatever, consciously

525
00:22:10,001 --> 00:22:12,680
Speaker 3: choosing in that moment to choose to repair in whatever

526
00:22:12,721 --> 00:22:13,281
Speaker 3: way that you do.

527
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:13,920
Speaker 2: That's good.

528
00:22:14,001 --> 00:22:14,200
Speaker 3: You know.

529
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,681
Speaker 1: It takes a long time to rewhy your brain too,

530
00:22:16,681 --> 00:22:19,241
Speaker 1: because I can still feel sometimes if we have a moment,

531
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,841
Speaker 1: like my initial reaction is to do what I used

532
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,801
Speaker 1: to do because I've always done that. That's my pattern,

533
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,480
Speaker 1: that feels natural. So I have to actually stop and

534
00:22:26,561 --> 00:22:29,481
Speaker 1: like have that internal dialogue with myself like, hey, you

535
00:22:29,521 --> 00:22:33,041
Speaker 1: could say this, or you could say this, you could

536
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:35,241
Speaker 1: take space, you could take a breath, like go over

537
00:22:35,281 --> 00:22:38,240
Speaker 1: all the options. Yeah, I take the moment to choose

538
00:22:38,281 --> 00:22:39,880
Speaker 1: what's going to be best. And if I don't know

539
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,080
Speaker 1: in that moment, I'll say I just need time. Go

540
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:44,521
Speaker 1: have you up to you get some advice, or just

541
00:22:44,561 --> 00:22:46,720
Speaker 1: take some time and nature and actually just regulate and

542
00:22:46,721 --> 00:22:48,801
Speaker 1: calm my body. And then I've got clarity to be like, Okay,

543
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,640
Speaker 1: what do I want here? Yeah? How am I going

544
00:22:50,721 --> 00:22:51,240
Speaker 1: to choose it.

545
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,360
Speaker 3: Is there any like previous daggers from like years and

546
00:22:54,441 --> 00:22:56,960
Speaker 3: years ago, when you maybe like unconscious ashy that were

547
00:22:57,041 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 3: like your go to without actually knowing it was your

548
00:22:59,640 --> 00:22:59,880
Speaker 3: go to.

549
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,600
Speaker 1: There wasn't much repairing when I was really younger. Yeah,

550
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,160
Speaker 1: we would just sweep and you can imagine over the years.

551
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:07,001
Speaker 2: That would build up. It's easy to do that.

552
00:23:08,201 --> 00:23:10,360
Speaker 1: I think it would be my tone and my words.

553
00:23:10,801 --> 00:23:12,841
Speaker 1: I would say words that I know would upset him.

554
00:23:13,201 --> 00:23:14,880
Speaker 1: It's been a long time, I think since I've pulled

555
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,160
Speaker 1: out a weapon. Because we've been together seventeen years. I'm

556
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:19,640
Speaker 1: talking when I was like twenty. I'm sure there was

557
00:23:19,681 --> 00:23:21,521
Speaker 1: a few comments. I can't remember exactly what I would

558
00:23:21,521 --> 00:23:23,360
Speaker 1: have said, but I'm sure there's a few comments about

559
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:28,041
Speaker 1: past relationships that I would like bring in, Yeah, to

560
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:31,400
Speaker 1: gain control of the conversation, or to prove that I

561
00:23:31,521 --> 00:23:35,440
Speaker 1: was right, like to win the argument, to win an argument. Yeah,

562
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,561
Speaker 1: I can't remember specifically, but so it would have been

563
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,041
Speaker 1: something along the lines of, oh, we did your ex

564
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:41,481
Speaker 1: you used to get upset about this too. Is this

565
00:23:41,561 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 1: a pattern? Yeah, noah, no, wonder this happened. If you

566
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,840
Speaker 1: did this, then I'm put this pointing the thinker, like,

567
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:48,640
Speaker 1: this is your fault.

568
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,360
Speaker 3: Pass forward to like the other day, you know when

569
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:52,960
Speaker 3: you saw Steve's X in the gym.

570
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:57,241
Speaker 1: Oh, yes, so I used to be super super jealous,

571
00:23:57,281 --> 00:24:00,840
Speaker 1: like super jealous and maybe still a bit now. I

572
00:24:00,921 --> 00:24:03,481
Speaker 1: fully laugh about it now. So back in the day, yeah,

573
00:24:03,481 --> 00:24:05,921
Speaker 1: I'd be so jealous that I would give full cold shoulder.

574
00:24:06,041 --> 00:24:08,561
Speaker 1: I would ask a million questions, I would sulk, I

575
00:24:08,561 --> 00:24:12,360
Speaker 1: would just use not nice words. And you taught me

576
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,801
Speaker 1: that thing. What is it? Retroactive jealousy.

577
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:19,120
Speaker 3: Retroactive jealousy. You're jealous of the person's past. You're jealous

578
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,120
Speaker 3: of the person's past ex partners.

579
00:24:21,281 --> 00:24:24,480
Speaker 1: That was me. Could not handle them, could not handle

580
00:24:24,521 --> 00:24:27,321
Speaker 1: any of it. And yeah, the other day, on one

581
00:24:27,321 --> 00:24:30,241
Speaker 1: of my trainer's stories, we do this booty class and

582
00:24:30,561 --> 00:24:32,200
Speaker 1: I watch her stories every now and again because she

583
00:24:32,241 --> 00:24:34,120
Speaker 1: posts a lot of her client's training. And she posted

584
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:36,520
Speaker 1: this girl and I was like, she's really familiar. I

585
00:24:36,561 --> 00:24:42,841
Speaker 1: was like, have you seen that sound of the funny movie?

586
00:24:42,921 --> 00:24:48,480
Speaker 1: I had that initial jealousy, and then I was giggling

587
00:24:48,561 --> 00:24:49,880
Speaker 1: about it, and I went to Steve. I was like,

588
00:24:49,961 --> 00:24:53,521
Speaker 1: guess who's training at my gym. He's like, and I

589
00:24:53,561 --> 00:24:55,640
Speaker 1: was like, bitch, they what are there? Why is she

590
00:24:55,681 --> 00:24:58,241
Speaker 1: at my gym? You know that was seventeen years ago,

591
00:24:58,241 --> 00:25:00,481
Speaker 1: Bay probably actually eighteen. I was like, I know, I

592
00:25:00,481 --> 00:25:02,961
Speaker 1: shouldn't like her. I'm still my man? Are you still

593
00:25:03,041 --> 00:25:03,481
Speaker 1: my man?

594
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,041
Speaker 2: No one touched, no one looks.

595
00:25:05,241 --> 00:25:08,360
Speaker 1: We talk about it often. Yeah, those intrusive thoughts or visuals.

596
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,761
Speaker 1: It just makes me feel sick to my stomach, the

597
00:25:10,801 --> 00:25:14,080
Speaker 1: thought of him fucking someone else, Like, no, that is

598
00:25:14,241 --> 00:25:16,961
Speaker 1: my man? How dare you? It just makes you feel

599
00:25:17,001 --> 00:25:17,441
Speaker 1: so good?

600
00:25:17,561 --> 00:25:18,960
Speaker 3: Do you have a life before me?

601
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:22,481
Speaker 1: Literally? I just can't. Yeah. And now I laugh about it. Yes,

602
00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:24,840
Speaker 1: I have a little moment, but it's laughable and we

603
00:25:24,921 --> 00:25:26,761
Speaker 1: joke about it and it's playful, and it almost like

604
00:25:26,801 --> 00:25:29,360
Speaker 1: brings us closer because I'm like, my man, come here,

605
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:31,880
Speaker 1: Whereas back in the day, I would almost take it

606
00:25:31,921 --> 00:25:34,600
Speaker 1: out on him, sulk, pull out the weapons and just

607
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:35,881
Speaker 1: make him feel shit for it.

608
00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:36,441
Speaker 2: Why.

609
00:25:36,521 --> 00:25:37,521
Speaker 1: I don't know why you.

610
00:25:37,481 --> 00:25:38,281
Speaker 2: Talk about this often?

611
00:25:38,321 --> 00:25:40,321
Speaker 3: You always say with Stephen, I've heard you both say

612
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:42,481
Speaker 3: it where you talk about like healthy jealousy.

613
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,001
Speaker 2: Yes, like we have that, Okay, bring it in.

614
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:47,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's it's like knowing that your partner is still,

615
00:25:48,001 --> 00:25:50,600
Speaker 3: of course still desirable, even after being together.

616
00:25:50,321 --> 00:25:51,041
Speaker 2: For seventeen years.

617
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,481
Speaker 3: It's like that a fun, a playfulness.

618
00:25:53,521 --> 00:25:56,481
Speaker 1: I really don't ever get a yucky jealousy now. Yeah,

619
00:25:56,521 --> 00:25:58,360
Speaker 1: it's fun, playful and it turns me on.

620
00:25:58,561 --> 00:25:59,201
Speaker 2: It's so cool.

621
00:26:00,321 --> 00:26:02,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, when you had those sex dreams about that, Brunette

622
00:26:02,721 --> 00:26:06,360
Speaker 1: Yes said on a previous episode, it made me so towy.

623
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,961
Speaker 1: It was like my man did made me really jealous,

624
00:26:09,961 --> 00:26:11,761
Speaker 1: but in like a fun, playful way. I was like,

625
00:26:11,761 --> 00:26:14,600
Speaker 1: come here, yes, you're my man. Yeah, it's really cool,

626
00:26:14,721 --> 00:26:19,161
Speaker 1: like even in your dreams, your mind. Yeah, literally, hear me, Steve,

627
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,440
Speaker 1: It is really cool though. I love the growth.

628
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:23,840
Speaker 2: I think that's really cool.

629
00:26:24,001 --> 00:26:26,881
Speaker 1: It's easier now to communicate with Steve and bring hard

630
00:26:26,921 --> 00:26:30,521
Speaker 1: conversations in because we're both regulated and it just feels

631
00:26:30,521 --> 00:26:31,680
Speaker 1: more natural and nice.

632
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:32,561
Speaker 2: Yeah.

633
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:32,561
Speaker 3: Yeah.

634
00:26:32,761 --> 00:26:34,200
Speaker 2: The implementing of it, though, isn't it.

635
00:26:34,201 --> 00:26:35,561
Speaker 3: It's like you can talk about it, you can read

636
00:26:35,561 --> 00:26:37,521
Speaker 3: all the books, you can do all the personal development stuff,

637
00:26:37,521 --> 00:26:40,481
Speaker 3: but unless you're actually actioning it in the moments where

638
00:26:40,481 --> 00:26:42,881
Speaker 3: it feels really hard, then you're not going to be able.

639
00:26:42,681 --> 00:26:43,840
Speaker 2: To progress in that area.

640
00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:46,281
Speaker 3: Definitely, a lot of the times we think, oh, I'm

641
00:26:46,441 --> 00:26:48,321
Speaker 3: on a good day, I feel really really good, and

642
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,001
Speaker 3: then i'm, you know, the person I want to be.

643
00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,120
Speaker 3: But what about like on the bad days, what about

644
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:54,521
Speaker 3: when you haven't been fed, or you're really tired, or

645
00:26:54,561 --> 00:26:56,761
Speaker 3: the kids are stretching you and you are really pushing you.

646
00:26:57,080 --> 00:26:58,680
Speaker 3: But like, it's about who you choose to be in

647
00:26:58,721 --> 00:27:01,240
Speaker 3: that moment, and you've just constantly been able to.

648
00:27:01,241 --> 00:27:02,081
Speaker 2: Do that, which is beautiful.

649
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:05,720
Speaker 1: And the repairing is super important too. So back in

650
00:27:05,721 --> 00:27:08,041
Speaker 1: the day, I wouldn't repair. I would avoid, I would

651
00:27:08,041 --> 00:27:09,961
Speaker 1: punish for weeks. I would sult for weeks. I would

652
00:27:10,001 --> 00:27:12,001
Speaker 1: pull away love, I would pull away sex. I would

653
00:27:12,001 --> 00:27:13,801
Speaker 1: do all the things that was just so fucking damaging

654
00:27:13,801 --> 00:27:17,240
Speaker 1: to a relationship. Now it's repairing with vulnerability, yeah, and

655
00:27:17,321 --> 00:27:20,321
Speaker 1: just fully owning it. Or it's repairing playfully, which I love.

656
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,761
Speaker 1: Something you taught me it was with a past part

657
00:27:22,801 --> 00:27:24,960
Speaker 1: of your the jealousy one. It was like when you

658
00:27:25,001 --> 00:27:27,361
Speaker 1: felt jealousy, instead of going to him and being like, oh,

659
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:29,561
Speaker 1: you know, why have you done this on social media,

660
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,081
Speaker 1: it was like, I'm feeling jealous.

661
00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:33,720
Speaker 3: I went, yes, I went to him, and I was like,

662
00:27:34,241 --> 00:27:35,441
Speaker 3: I'm feeling a little jealous.

663
00:27:35,481 --> 00:27:37,080
Speaker 1: But when you told me the story. It was with

664
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:39,801
Speaker 1: these beautiful puppy dog eyes, your hands were around your chin.

665
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:41,680
Speaker 1: It was like, I'm feeling jealous and I was like,

666
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,521
Speaker 1: how can any man be angry at you? Yeah, when

667
00:27:44,521 --> 00:27:46,321
Speaker 1: you bring that playfulness to it, they just want to

668
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:48,521
Speaker 1: grab you up in your arms. And I tested it.

669
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,640
Speaker 1: I tested it one day. Wasn't about jealousy. It was

670
00:27:51,681 --> 00:27:54,960
Speaker 1: about attention. Yes, I was like needing more love, like

671
00:27:55,041 --> 00:27:59,000
Speaker 1: this insecure kitten, like he was just like grab me

672
00:27:59,041 --> 00:28:00,720
Speaker 1: and loved on me. And then I was like, you know,

673
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,241
Speaker 1: but in all seriousness, I do feel you know, work's

674
00:28:03,281 --> 00:28:05,601
Speaker 1: been quite consuming lately and I'm just needing it more love,

675
00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:08,361
Speaker 1: just a little bit more touched, maybe a couple more words.

676
00:28:08,681 --> 00:28:10,440
Speaker 1: And it was like I can do that. But I

677
00:28:10,521 --> 00:28:13,721
Speaker 1: used to go in with criticism, Oh you're working so much?

678
00:28:13,801 --> 00:28:17,321
Speaker 1: Am I even here? Hello my invisible see yeah, oh

679
00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:18,440
Speaker 1: your phone's more important to me.

680
00:28:18,481 --> 00:28:19,721
Speaker 2: You're going to book a date night soon?

681
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:23,321
Speaker 1: Or it was just little stabs, little backhanded, passive, aggressive

682
00:28:23,321 --> 00:28:27,921
Speaker 1: comments doesn't achieve anything. Yeah, So bringing vulnerability in softness

683
00:28:28,001 --> 00:28:31,481
Speaker 1: and playfulness game changer? Yeah, well absolutely, change of relationship.

684
00:28:31,481 --> 00:28:32,880
Speaker 1: It really does, it really does.

685
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,521
Speaker 3: It changes the dynamic, and you also just get a

686
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,281
Speaker 3: much better response out of there. Say if the roles

687
00:28:38,281 --> 00:28:42,161
Speaker 3: were reversed, if your partner came to you and said, hey, babe, like,

688
00:28:42,241 --> 00:28:44,161
Speaker 3: this is really hard for me to talk about, but

689
00:28:44,761 --> 00:28:46,121
Speaker 3: you know, can you just hold me in this for

690
00:28:46,161 --> 00:28:48,721
Speaker 3: a second. This is really vulnerable and uncomfortable. But you know,

691
00:28:48,761 --> 00:28:51,321
Speaker 3: I'm feeling a little bit jealous. Or when X y

692
00:28:51,441 --> 00:28:53,480
Speaker 3: Z happened, it like I noticed this thing in me,

693
00:28:53,641 --> 00:28:55,401
Speaker 3: you'd be like, I want to love on you.

694
00:28:55,361 --> 00:28:57,921
Speaker 1: So hard, right, I'm not doing that again on a no.

695
00:28:57,961 --> 00:28:59,641
Speaker 3: But when someone comes at you with daggers and they're

696
00:28:59,681 --> 00:29:04,241
Speaker 3: like you're doing this and there are you think that's

697
00:29:04,281 --> 00:29:09,240
Speaker 3: bad and that I'm like, oh, show you Tatiana. That

698
00:29:09,321 --> 00:29:12,361
Speaker 3: was my warmup baby, right yeah, I was just getting started.

699
00:29:12,481 --> 00:29:15,481
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, it's so different, isn't it? Okay? Enough exposing

700
00:29:15,521 --> 00:29:15,761
Speaker 1: of me?

701
00:29:16,081 --> 00:29:19,161
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm darn put the camera on hat.

702
00:29:18,881 --> 00:29:20,921
Speaker 1: Oh can you tell me? What do you do?

703
00:29:21,121 --> 00:29:23,761
Speaker 3: Absolutely so a common theme for me. So it is

704
00:29:23,761 --> 00:29:26,281
Speaker 3: it's a pattern. It's a pattern to me, at least

705
00:29:26,281 --> 00:29:28,721
Speaker 3: in my relationship that just passed. And also I noticed

706
00:29:28,721 --> 00:29:31,841
Speaker 3: this in the relationship before that. I got really jealous,

707
00:29:31,881 --> 00:29:34,681
Speaker 3: like I really noticed within intimate relationships, I can get

708
00:29:34,761 --> 00:29:37,521
Speaker 3: quite insecure because you know, I had a partner cheat

709
00:29:37,561 --> 00:29:38,961
Speaker 3: on me when I was like fifteen, and I think

710
00:29:39,001 --> 00:29:41,081
Speaker 3: maybe it just like as left a mark where I

711
00:29:41,121 --> 00:29:44,001
Speaker 3: had this underlying fear of like betrayal.

712
00:29:43,881 --> 00:29:45,161
Speaker 1: An abandonment, an abandonment.

713
00:29:45,321 --> 00:29:48,081
Speaker 3: Yeah, and so this like feeling comes up for me

714
00:29:48,121 --> 00:29:50,281
Speaker 3: when like things get really good and it gets really

715
00:29:50,361 --> 00:29:53,761
Speaker 3: safe and you know, things are working where I start

716
00:29:53,801 --> 00:29:57,240
Speaker 3: to question and my mind starts to wander and I

717
00:29:57,321 --> 00:30:00,081
Speaker 3: start to go. It's when the anxious meat is present.

718
00:30:00,161 --> 00:30:02,801
Speaker 3: When I'm grounded, Tiana, I'm like, cool, calm, collected, I

719
00:30:02,801 --> 00:30:04,601
Speaker 3: feel really good. I'm like, oh you do you? I

720
00:30:04,641 --> 00:30:08,521
Speaker 3: do me would do I thing together. But when I'm insecure, Tiana,

721
00:30:08,681 --> 00:30:11,121
Speaker 3: I'm wondering what they're doing getting.

722
00:30:10,841 --> 00:30:12,440
Speaker 1: Into the text messages. What do you think about that?

723
00:30:12,601 --> 00:30:15,881
Speaker 3: Yes, Specifically for me, what comes up is like around

724
00:30:15,921 --> 00:30:17,881
Speaker 3: other women, like when they have other women in their

725
00:30:17,921 --> 00:30:20,121
Speaker 3: life who are really important to them. And granted, there

726
00:30:20,121 --> 00:30:22,281
Speaker 3: were a couple of occasions where I had reason to

727
00:30:22,321 --> 00:30:24,440
Speaker 3: feel that way, like there was a valid reason for

728
00:30:24,481 --> 00:30:26,521
Speaker 3: me to be like, oh, I don't like this situation.

729
00:30:27,121 --> 00:30:29,641
Speaker 3: But in those moments, I start to get a bit insecure,

730
00:30:29,641 --> 00:30:33,721
Speaker 3: and I notice I pick fights. So if I'm feeling insecure,

731
00:30:33,961 --> 00:30:36,561
Speaker 3: I notice I will test. I didn't do that as

732
00:30:36,601 --> 00:30:38,801
Speaker 3: much in this relationship, but my previous one I did

733
00:30:38,881 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 3: that where I would test, and I would test to

734
00:30:41,761 --> 00:30:45,121
Speaker 3: see how much they love me by like pushing and

735
00:30:45,601 --> 00:30:49,001
Speaker 3: being almost like emotionally erratic and like, you know, doing

736
00:30:49,041 --> 00:30:53,440
Speaker 3: all these crazy, like kind of emotionally erratic things to

737
00:30:53,521 --> 00:30:54,960
Speaker 3: test to see how much they love me and make

738
00:30:55,001 --> 00:30:58,361
Speaker 3: sure that they'll stay, you know, because for me, I

739
00:30:58,801 --> 00:31:02,001
Speaker 3: get jealous and it's almost like, you know, maybe this

740
00:31:02,081 --> 00:31:03,921
Speaker 3: other woman's a threat if they're spending time with them,

741
00:31:04,001 --> 00:31:08,201
Speaker 3: or anything that feels outside of the my relationship boundaries

742
00:31:08,441 --> 00:31:10,321
Speaker 3: that maybe dips outside of that, I'm like, oh no,

743
00:31:10,401 --> 00:31:12,841
Speaker 3: that's not okay, and then immediately my fear of rejection

744
00:31:12,921 --> 00:31:13,401
Speaker 3: comes up.

745
00:31:13,441 --> 00:31:14,960
Speaker 1: So how would you test? What would you do? How

746
00:31:15,001 --> 00:31:15,561
Speaker 1: would I test?

747
00:31:15,921 --> 00:31:18,081
Speaker 3: An example of doing this in my last relationship, I

748
00:31:18,201 --> 00:31:21,561
Speaker 3: noticed my ex had like a female cleaner, and she

749
00:31:21,721 --> 00:31:24,081
Speaker 3: was like beautiful, right, she's beautiful, but she.

750
00:31:24,001 --> 00:31:25,720
Speaker 2: Would always be around and like flirty.

751
00:31:26,041 --> 00:31:28,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, she was a bit flirty with him, and like

752
00:31:28,161 --> 00:31:29,681
Speaker 3: I remember one time he called her a good girl

753
00:31:29,681 --> 00:31:32,081
Speaker 3: and I was like the fuck, like, how dare you?

754
00:31:32,201 --> 00:31:34,361
Speaker 2: Like I'm the only good girl here?

755
00:31:33,841 --> 00:31:36,281
Speaker 1: Called in the bedroom right, And.

756
00:31:36,241 --> 00:31:37,720
Speaker 2: So I remember it like triggering me.

757
00:31:37,881 --> 00:31:39,761
Speaker 3: And he had this conversation with her on the phone

758
00:31:39,841 --> 00:31:42,801
Speaker 3: while I was there, and something about the conversation triggered me,

759
00:31:43,241 --> 00:31:46,681
Speaker 3: And I remember in that moment like wanting to suppress it.

760
00:31:46,721 --> 00:31:49,041
Speaker 3: I find myself wanting to shut down when I noticed

761
00:31:49,121 --> 00:31:50,721
Speaker 3: jealousy and insecurity come up.

762
00:31:51,161 --> 00:31:52,601
Speaker 2: I noticed the anxious part of me.

763
00:31:52,641 --> 00:31:56,441
Speaker 3: Come out so shameful around that of feeling jealous and insecure. Yeah,

764
00:31:56,481 --> 00:31:58,401
Speaker 3: one hundred percent. It feels like, oh, I don't want

765
00:31:58,441 --> 00:32:00,521
Speaker 3: this person to see this at me. And then so

766
00:32:00,601 --> 00:32:02,801
Speaker 3: I'll suppress it a little bit. But then what will

767
00:32:02,841 --> 00:32:05,841
Speaker 3: happen is It'll come out more, you know, and then

768
00:32:05,881 --> 00:32:06,521
Speaker 3: I'll start.

769
00:32:06,281 --> 00:32:09,481
Speaker 2: To ask questions, Yes, sogate, why did you say this?

770
00:32:09,641 --> 00:32:10,881
Speaker 2: Why didn't you want to have that conversation?

771
00:32:11,001 --> 00:32:13,521
Speaker 1: Instead of being direct saying hey, I fucking felt a

772
00:32:13,561 --> 00:32:14,241
Speaker 1: bit jealous there.

773
00:32:14,361 --> 00:32:17,361
Speaker 3: Yeah, I do these little like picks and ask a

774
00:32:17,361 --> 00:32:18,121
Speaker 3: little question.

775
00:32:17,961 --> 00:32:18,921
Speaker 1: In an aggressive tone.

776
00:32:19,081 --> 00:32:21,960
Speaker 3: No, just like a little subtle random question where that

777
00:32:22,001 --> 00:32:24,561
Speaker 3: person might be like, why should just ask me that question?

778
00:32:25,081 --> 00:32:27,681
Speaker 1: You know, you can feel there's underlying anxiousness there, there's

779
00:32:27,761 --> 00:32:31,681
Speaker 1: underlying anxiousness, but there's no context. I don't give any context.

780
00:32:31,721 --> 00:32:33,361
Speaker 2: I'm like, why did this happen? Or why did you

781
00:32:33,401 --> 00:32:33,641
Speaker 2: say that?

782
00:32:33,761 --> 00:32:34,481
Speaker 1: Or why did you say that?

783
00:32:34,521 --> 00:32:36,041
Speaker 3: And then I will leave it, and then five minutes

784
00:32:36,081 --> 00:32:38,480
Speaker 3: later I'll ask another question. So I pick right, and

785
00:32:38,521 --> 00:32:41,561
Speaker 3: I'm like, it's almost like causes a fight because what

786
00:32:41,601 --> 00:32:45,361
Speaker 3: that energy gives in my assumption is that I'm assuming

787
00:32:45,361 --> 00:32:46,481
Speaker 3: that that person is doing wrong.

788
00:32:46,481 --> 00:32:48,561
Speaker 2: By yes, I'm assuming that.

789
00:32:48,401 --> 00:32:51,921
Speaker 3: That person is maybe has wrong intentions, is cheating, is

790
00:32:51,961 --> 00:32:55,520
Speaker 3: doing something deceitful, is doing something that is sly, is

791
00:32:55,561 --> 00:32:58,641
Speaker 3: doing something that would break the integrity of our relationship.

792
00:32:59,281 --> 00:33:01,961
Speaker 3: And so I've noticed that trigger is a really bad

793
00:33:02,041 --> 00:33:05,841
Speaker 3: response in partners where they're like, you're questioning my integrity

794
00:33:05,921 --> 00:33:09,200
Speaker 3: And Lee said that, he was like, you're questioning my integrity, Tiana,

795
00:33:09,361 --> 00:33:11,921
Speaker 3: don't fucking do that. And I'm like, don't fucking speak

796
00:33:11,961 --> 00:33:16,121
Speaker 3: to you, you know. So, yeah, that's definitely come up

797
00:33:16,161 --> 00:33:18,201
Speaker 3: for me in the past. And that was still even

798
00:33:18,201 --> 00:33:20,960
Speaker 3: when I was like avoidan Tiana. When I was anxious Tiana,

799
00:33:21,041 --> 00:33:23,601
Speaker 3: I would go to like full blown panic attacks. I

800
00:33:23,641 --> 00:33:25,641
Speaker 3: would come into you and I would cry about it

801
00:33:25,641 --> 00:33:28,081
Speaker 3: and be like, I'm feeling so anxious because my fear

802
00:33:28,121 --> 00:33:31,121
Speaker 3: of rejection right now is being so triggered that I

803
00:33:31,161 --> 00:33:34,481
Speaker 3: can't hold it in this moment and it feels overwhelming

804
00:33:34,521 --> 00:33:37,521
Speaker 3: that I'm like, it's like, oh my god, the fear

805
00:33:37,561 --> 00:33:41,121
Speaker 3: of abandonment was so strong that I thought that if

806
00:33:41,161 --> 00:33:43,321
Speaker 3: I were to be abandoned, I wouldn't be able to

807
00:33:43,361 --> 00:33:45,921
Speaker 3: handle it. Like you know, when you think that you

808
00:33:45,961 --> 00:33:48,281
Speaker 3: want to hold someone so tight because they mean so

809
00:33:48,481 --> 00:33:50,521
Speaker 3: much to you that you think that your world would

810
00:33:50,521 --> 00:33:53,440
Speaker 3: crumble without them. But then what I learned with time

811
00:33:53,481 --> 00:33:55,641
Speaker 3: and even now I feel like such a contrast from

812
00:33:55,641 --> 00:33:58,841
Speaker 3: that relationship to now is that I can handle my

813
00:33:59,041 --> 00:34:03,081
Speaker 3: anxious attachment and my fear of being abandoned so much

814
00:34:03,121 --> 00:34:05,561
Speaker 3: more than what I could in the past. Is now

815
00:34:05,841 --> 00:34:08,440
Speaker 3: the mindset that I have around it is even if

816
00:34:08,481 --> 00:34:11,960
Speaker 3: somebody leaves, like so what, I know, you know, even

817
00:34:12,001 --> 00:34:14,681
Speaker 3: if they do, I was okay before them, and I'll

818
00:34:14,721 --> 00:34:17,161
Speaker 3: be okay after them as well. And it allows you

819
00:34:17,241 --> 00:34:20,721
Speaker 3: to kind of like soften the fear around oh my god,

820
00:34:20,761 --> 00:34:23,281
Speaker 3: I need to hold onto them so tight otherwise they're

821
00:34:23,321 --> 00:34:26,281
Speaker 3: going to run away. You actually allow that person to

822
00:34:26,441 --> 00:34:29,001
Speaker 3: choose to be with you, yes, instead of going. I

823
00:34:29,041 --> 00:34:31,201
Speaker 3: need you to stay, and if you don't stay, I'm

824
00:34:31,201 --> 00:34:33,641
Speaker 3: going to be lost without you. Yeah. It's almost like

825
00:34:33,641 --> 00:34:36,681
Speaker 3: a force energy. And I've definitely shown up as somebody

826
00:34:36,721 --> 00:34:39,521
Speaker 3: who has forced people to stay out of fear of

827
00:34:39,561 --> 00:34:40,161
Speaker 3: them leaving.

828
00:34:40,481 --> 00:34:43,361
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think that about cheating too, and I haven't

829
00:34:43,361 --> 00:34:46,161
Speaker 1: been cheated on, so I don't have a wound of cheating. Yeah,

830
00:34:46,321 --> 00:34:49,681
Speaker 1: but in my head, if Steve was to cheat, he's cheated. Yeah,

831
00:34:49,801 --> 00:34:52,961
Speaker 1: that's a choice he's made. Yeah, Okay, I would fully

832
00:34:53,081 --> 00:34:55,721
Speaker 1: unpack it all what happened, Where did I play my role?

833
00:34:55,881 --> 00:34:57,481
Speaker 1: I'd want to know who was with and all the

834
00:34:57,521 --> 00:35:01,281
Speaker 1: questions whatever. But it's like, okay, that's fucking done. Yeah

835
00:35:01,441 --> 00:35:03,601
Speaker 1: that you know what I mean. I don't fear it

836
00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:05,561
Speaker 1: because I'm not going to put myself through that situation

837
00:35:06,281 --> 00:35:08,481
Speaker 1: one hundred times not even happened, but yeah, it was

838
00:35:08,521 --> 00:35:11,801
Speaker 1: to happen. Something is done, right, I don't know.

839
00:35:11,881 --> 00:35:14,561
Speaker 3: And it's important to have that mindset around it as well,

840
00:35:14,601 --> 00:35:16,881
Speaker 3: because the anticipation of something is almost worse than the

841
00:35:16,881 --> 00:35:20,761
Speaker 3: actual of it happening. You're creating pain for yourself, especially

842
00:35:20,801 --> 00:35:23,761
Speaker 3: when you're anxious now when something hasn't even happened. So

843
00:35:23,761 --> 00:35:26,561
Speaker 3: you're anticipating something that you haven't experienced yet. But then

844
00:35:26,641 --> 00:35:30,881
Speaker 3: you almost become a self fulfilling prophecy that you create

845
00:35:30,921 --> 00:35:35,041
Speaker 3: that dynamic and outcome because you're assuming, thinking, feeling as

846
00:35:35,081 --> 00:35:37,641
Speaker 3: if that experience has already happened. And so in the

847
00:35:37,681 --> 00:35:40,881
Speaker 3: moments in relationships where I have become that very insecure

848
00:35:41,321 --> 00:35:44,241
Speaker 3: like kind of assuming the worst of my partner, I

849
00:35:44,281 --> 00:35:47,081
Speaker 3: often tend to get not so good outcome, like why

850
00:35:47,081 --> 00:35:48,921
Speaker 3: did that happen? Well, I didn't assume the best of

851
00:35:48,921 --> 00:35:51,001
Speaker 3: that partner. How can I get the best out of them?

852
00:35:51,041 --> 00:35:53,241
Speaker 3: If I'm assuming that they're not a good person, they

853
00:35:53,281 --> 00:35:56,361
Speaker 3: have bad intentions, they're doing something sneaky and deceitful behind

854
00:35:56,361 --> 00:35:58,361
Speaker 3: my back, Like, of course they're not going to respond

855
00:35:58,361 --> 00:36:01,201
Speaker 3: well to that. I wouldn't respond well to that if

856
00:36:01,201 --> 00:36:02,841
Speaker 3: someone did that to me, I'd be like, I get it,

857
00:36:02,881 --> 00:36:05,321
Speaker 3: and I get your wound, But that's not who I am.

858
00:36:05,561 --> 00:36:07,561
Speaker 3: You've got to give me the ability to show you

859
00:36:07,841 --> 00:36:10,441
Speaker 3: that I am trustworthy, that I have so much evidence

860
00:36:10,441 --> 00:36:12,161
Speaker 3: of me treating you in a way where you don't

861
00:36:12,201 --> 00:36:14,681
Speaker 3: have to worry about who I am. So it's also

862
00:36:14,801 --> 00:36:16,921
Speaker 3: just remembering if the shoes on the other foot, Like

863
00:36:17,121 --> 00:36:19,081
Speaker 3: would you be okay if someone were doing that to

864
00:36:19,121 --> 00:36:19,601
Speaker 3: you as well?

865
00:36:19,681 --> 00:36:21,841
Speaker 1: I love that putting yourself in their shoes. Hey, And

866
00:36:22,041 --> 00:36:23,561
Speaker 1: how would I respond if they were coming at me

867
00:36:23,641 --> 00:36:25,601
Speaker 1: like this. It's just a cool tool to have in

868
00:36:25,601 --> 00:36:27,681
Speaker 1: your toolbox before you go and attack them and accuse

869
00:36:27,761 --> 00:36:30,161
Speaker 1: them and assume things. You're like, fuck, how would I

870
00:36:30,201 --> 00:36:32,521
Speaker 1: feel if he came to me and question that, asked

871
00:36:32,521 --> 00:36:34,681
Speaker 1: to go through my phone, assumed that I was doing

872
00:36:34,721 --> 00:36:37,001
Speaker 1: this when I was actually doing that. I feel fucking shit.

873
00:36:37,121 --> 00:36:39,281
Speaker 1: I feel like, like, how dare you? That's offense if

874
00:36:39,321 --> 00:36:40,721
Speaker 1: you think I would do that to you.

875
00:36:40,601 --> 00:36:42,241
Speaker 3: Like I'm literally just eating ice cream at home with

876
00:36:42,321 --> 00:36:44,961
Speaker 3: my best friend, Like, yeah, you have nothing to worry about.

877
00:36:45,121 --> 00:36:48,681
Speaker 3: Like it's cool to see the contrast of that version

878
00:36:48,721 --> 00:36:52,241
Speaker 3: of me to like more aware version of Tier because

879
00:36:52,361 --> 00:36:56,041
Speaker 3: she can communicate really well, you know, like I'm very calm, cool, collected.

880
00:36:56,081 --> 00:36:58,561
Speaker 3: I can see both sides. I make sure that I

881
00:36:58,561 --> 00:37:01,441
Speaker 3: communicate from a place that's going to diffuse conflict and

882
00:37:01,481 --> 00:37:05,001
Speaker 3: take responsibility, and so even in moments like that where

883
00:37:05,121 --> 00:37:07,361
Speaker 3: I want to pick and fight, I'll do a quick

884
00:37:07,401 --> 00:37:09,361
Speaker 3: recovery and come back and be Okay, this is what's

885
00:37:09,361 --> 00:37:11,241
Speaker 3: actually coming up for me if I'm being fully honest

886
00:37:11,241 --> 00:37:15,001
Speaker 3: and transparent, lead with vulnerability and courage and go Okay,

887
00:37:15,241 --> 00:37:16,960
Speaker 3: that's not going to get me the outcome that I want.

888
00:37:17,121 --> 00:37:19,521
Speaker 3: How can we work as a team to communicate and

889
00:37:19,601 --> 00:37:21,721
Speaker 3: just like get everything off each other's chest so that

890
00:37:21,761 --> 00:37:24,121
Speaker 3: we can find the same direction again.

891
00:37:24,441 --> 00:37:27,361
Speaker 1: Yeah, another language shift too, which we've spoken about heaps too.

892
00:37:27,401 --> 00:37:29,561
Speaker 1: Instead of going to your partner or anyone and being like,

893
00:37:29,761 --> 00:37:31,161
Speaker 1: you know, you did this and it made me feel

894
00:37:31,201 --> 00:37:34,561
Speaker 1: like this, changing it to be I'm only assuming and

895
00:37:34,601 --> 00:37:37,401
Speaker 1: I could be totally wrong. Yes, but what I'm feeling

896
00:37:37,481 --> 00:37:40,241
Speaker 1: is when you did this, your intention was this. But

897
00:37:40,321 --> 00:37:42,841
Speaker 1: can you help me understand yes, instead of just assuming

898
00:37:42,841 --> 00:37:44,721
Speaker 1: that that's what they've done and get curious on it

899
00:37:44,761 --> 00:37:47,321
Speaker 1: and go in with curiosity. Oh that's a we other side,

900
00:37:47,321 --> 00:37:50,161
Speaker 1: I feel that we could talk about relationships often. Yeah,

901
00:37:50,201 --> 00:37:55,321
Speaker 1: it's such a high value of ours relationships, connection, love, passion, pleasure,

902
00:37:55,361 --> 00:37:57,241
Speaker 1: all the beautiful things. That's something we talk about all

903
00:37:57,281 --> 00:37:59,801
Speaker 1: the time. So I think we'll keep bringing in and anything,

904
00:37:59,881 --> 00:38:02,441
Speaker 1: even if it is exposing ourselves a being were vulnerable.

905
00:38:02,481 --> 00:38:05,281
Speaker 1: We hope that there's one thing in this episode that

906
00:38:05,361 --> 00:38:08,241
Speaker 1: landed for you or made you awaken something within you,

907
00:38:08,241 --> 00:38:09,601
Speaker 1: made you look in the mirror and be like, oh,

908
00:38:09,641 --> 00:38:12,241
Speaker 1: I can see how I do that too. Always room

909
00:38:12,281 --> 00:38:14,321
Speaker 1: for growth and improvement, and even it's one percent better

910
00:38:14,321 --> 00:38:16,441
Speaker 1: every single day, over a year span, you'll be a

911
00:38:16,441 --> 00:38:19,881
Speaker 1: whole different person and your relationship could be completely transformed

912
00:38:20,041 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 1: for the better.

913
00:38:20,841 --> 00:38:23,161
Speaker 3: That's so true, and I think just with the relationships,

914
00:38:23,161 --> 00:38:25,201
Speaker 3: it's really important to be able to have these conversations

915
00:38:25,241 --> 00:38:28,041
Speaker 3: because there's so much gross and learning in relationships. It's

916
00:38:28,281 --> 00:38:30,681
Speaker 3: they are such our biggest teachers, and if you can

917
00:38:30,801 --> 00:38:32,881
Speaker 3: use the lessons that you learn from all of the

918
00:38:32,961 --> 00:38:35,881
Speaker 3: discomfort that comes up, you'll be such a better version

919
00:38:35,921 --> 00:38:36,841
Speaker 3: of yourself for it.

920
00:38:36,961 --> 00:38:38,081
Speaker 2: And that's why we wanted to.

921
00:38:38,081 --> 00:38:40,921
Speaker 3: Normalize this conversation of just knowing there's nothing to be

922
00:38:41,001 --> 00:38:43,961
Speaker 3: shameful about around any behavior that you've done in the

923
00:38:43,961 --> 00:38:46,161
Speaker 3: past that has come up, but utilize it as a

924
00:38:46,161 --> 00:38:48,721
Speaker 3: way to go, hey, this is data on how I

925
00:38:48,761 --> 00:38:50,361
Speaker 3: show up in the moments I'm triggered, so that you

926
00:38:50,401 --> 00:38:52,441
Speaker 3: can go next time, Okay, who do I want to

927
00:38:52,481 --> 00:38:55,001
Speaker 3: be in the moment, Because it's in those moments where

928
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:56,521
Speaker 3: you're going to become the woman that you say that

929
00:38:56,561 --> 00:38:58,561
Speaker 3: you want to be, but not actually just say it,

930
00:38:58,561 --> 00:38:59,801
Speaker 3: you'll actually embody her.

931
00:39:00,161 --> 00:39:02,161
Speaker 2: And that's ultimately where where we want to help you.

932
00:39:02,121 --> 00:39:04,841
Speaker 1: Get one hundred percent. Now, Also, one more thing before

933
00:39:04,841 --> 00:39:07,521
Speaker 1: you the podcast, So if you guys haven't seen on

934
00:39:07,521 --> 00:39:10,001
Speaker 1: our social media, we are now going to be uploading

935
00:39:10,241 --> 00:39:14,641
Speaker 1: four times a week Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. And

936
00:39:14,721 --> 00:39:18,161
Speaker 1: a new segment is like a bestie's advice section. We

937
00:39:18,241 --> 00:39:20,121
Speaker 1: found with Freaki Friday, we were getting quite a few

938
00:39:20,121 --> 00:39:22,921
Speaker 1: submissions that were more women asking for help. What would

939
00:39:22,961 --> 00:39:24,841
Speaker 1: you girls do? Can you help me with this? What's

940
00:39:24,881 --> 00:39:27,841
Speaker 1: your perspective? I need best the advice and that kind

941
00:39:27,841 --> 00:39:31,241
Speaker 1: of led to this new segment being born. So if

942
00:39:31,281 --> 00:39:34,121
Speaker 1: you are going through something in your relationship and you're

943
00:39:34,161 --> 00:39:36,761
Speaker 1: in a situationship, or you're struggling with something and you

944
00:39:36,841 --> 00:39:39,361
Speaker 1: want our best advice, this is what this segment's for.

945
00:39:39,481 --> 00:39:41,121
Speaker 1: You can go to the link and our Instagram Buiyo

946
00:39:41,161 --> 00:39:43,641
Speaker 1: will also link it in the description box below and

947
00:39:43,681 --> 00:39:46,161
Speaker 1: you could submit an anonymous question that you want help

948
00:39:46,201 --> 00:39:49,161
Speaker 1: for give us much context as you can please the

949
00:39:49,201 --> 00:39:51,681
Speaker 1: better and we're not relationship experts, where two best is

950
00:39:51,721 --> 00:39:54,201
Speaker 1: sitting on a couch and how we give advice to

951
00:39:54,241 --> 00:39:56,361
Speaker 1: each other is what we'll be doing in that segment

952
00:39:56,481 --> 00:39:57,041
Speaker 1: every Tuesday.

953
00:39:57,121 --> 00:39:59,041
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's going to be really raw, off the cast

954
00:39:59,201 --> 00:40:01,521
Speaker 3: kind of advice, but again, that's exactly what we would

955
00:40:01,561 --> 00:40:03,521
Speaker 3: do for each other. And especially if you don't have

956
00:40:03,561 --> 00:40:05,641
Speaker 3: anybody to lean on at the moment, you feel like

957
00:40:05,841 --> 00:40:08,481
Speaker 3: the people around you are too close to the situation,

958
00:40:08,841 --> 00:40:10,521
Speaker 3: or maybe you don't even want them to know about

959
00:40:10,561 --> 00:40:11,961
Speaker 3: the situation that you're dealing with.

960
00:40:12,201 --> 00:40:14,441
Speaker 2: It can be really challenging to go through those things alone.

961
00:40:14,521 --> 00:40:16,321
Speaker 3: So we just want to bring in a place where

962
00:40:16,321 --> 00:40:18,241
Speaker 3: you can come, you feel safe bring it in. And

963
00:40:18,281 --> 00:40:21,321
Speaker 3: also it's anonymous, so we can't even see who brings

964
00:40:21,321 --> 00:40:23,201
Speaker 3: it in, so you'll be completely.

965
00:40:22,721 --> 00:40:23,721
Speaker 2: Protected in that way.

966
00:40:23,761 --> 00:40:25,480
Speaker 3: But we want you to have a place to come,

967
00:40:25,521 --> 00:40:27,281
Speaker 3: bring it in and feel safe enough to talk about

968
00:40:27,361 --> 00:40:27,921
Speaker 3: So beautiful.

969
00:40:27,921 --> 00:40:30,161
Speaker 1: I feel like even sometimes you have friendships that you love,

970
00:40:30,241 --> 00:40:31,921
Speaker 1: but they don't give the best advice. Yeah, I know,

971
00:40:31,961 --> 00:40:34,201
Speaker 1: I've got different friends for different reasons. Some I'm like,

972
00:40:34,241 --> 00:40:35,761
Speaker 1: if I want my ego stroke or go to her

973
00:40:36,241 --> 00:40:37,841
Speaker 1: to be challenged, I'll go to her, you know, and

974
00:40:38,041 --> 00:40:40,761
Speaker 1: all beautiful, but knowing that you can just come here,

975
00:40:40,881 --> 00:40:43,121
Speaker 1: you're safe, there's no judgment. We're just giving out honest

976
00:40:43,121 --> 00:40:45,761
Speaker 1: advice that we would literally give to each other. It's cool.

977
00:40:45,801 --> 00:40:47,201
Speaker 1: We get to learn along the way, we get to

978
00:40:47,201 --> 00:40:49,281
Speaker 1: share our perspectives and maybe help you see things from

979
00:40:49,281 --> 00:40:52,041
Speaker 1: a different light. Yeah, that also starts next week. So

980
00:40:52,081 --> 00:40:53,081
Speaker 1: today's Monday, it'll.

981
00:40:52,961 --> 00:40:54,801
Speaker 2: Be next Tuesday, yay.

982
00:40:55,081 --> 00:40:56,961
Speaker 1: Otherwise, we'll see you Wednesday. Bye guys. Babe,