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Speaker 1: I have been riding my bicycle to and from work

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Speaker 1: the last few weeks. I've been very much enjoying the physicality,

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Speaker 1: the mental health benefits, and most definitely the music riding

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Speaker 1: my roadbike to and from.

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Speaker 2: My family and I do share. We're very lucky.

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Speaker 1: We share lots of common musical interests. However, the more

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Speaker 1: brutal metal and hip hop is strictly enjoyed through earbuds

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Speaker 1: these days, unless I can find a clean version for

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Speaker 1: the young years of my son. When we're driving the car,

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Speaker 1: and this morning I came to quite a brilliant part

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Speaker 1: of the ride to work.

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Speaker 2: There's a separated biplane.

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Speaker 1: It's about a five hundred meters straight and it's sheltered

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Speaker 1: from the wind. So I'm a bit of a Strava

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Speaker 1: tragic So of course I put the hammer down so

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Speaker 1: I can try to beat my time on the same

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Speaker 1: segment from yesterday, hoping for a boost that even Wader

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Speaker 1: would approve of. Keep a couple tracks and I land

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Speaker 1: on Juicy from the Notorious Big.

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Speaker 2: It was all a dream. It hits my ears and boom,

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Speaker 2: I'm on.

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Speaker 1: It's not very long, but I'm at the end of

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Speaker 1: the sprint by the end of the first verse, my

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Speaker 1: heart rate is pounding. I turn the corner, come back

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Speaker 1: to a normal pedaling cadence, and like a commentator throwing

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Speaker 1: to the chopper shot and the tour de France, Biggie

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Speaker 1: Smalls comes in with that classic hook and if you.

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Speaker 2: Don't know, now you know. And if you don't know,

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Speaker 2: now you know.

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Speaker 1: It's the clean version. Like I said, I've been listening

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Speaker 1: to this track with my son in the car. Now

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Speaker 1: I've heard that hundreds of times, a confident expression of

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Speaker 1: mister Biggie Smalls letting people know about the hard work

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Speaker 1: that it took to get his success. But it did

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Speaker 1: give me thinking, as a gasp for air, what would

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Speaker 1: it take to be able to tell yourself the same thing,

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Speaker 1: To be curious enough to find out things about yourself

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Speaker 1: that you don't know, and then be able to say

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Speaker 1: with confidence, if you don't know, now you know, as

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Speaker 1: a way to make better choices going forward.

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Speaker 2: And that's what I want to talk about, but I

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Speaker 2: do need to play some ads. I'll be back after

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Speaker 2: the break. Thanks so much for listening to the show.

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Speaker 1: This is better than yesterday, making it better every week

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Speaker 1: since thirteen min Amslosha Ginsberg.

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Speaker 2: I'm glad you're here.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to the show, Thanks for coming along

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Speaker 1: to story Club the other night.

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Speaker 2: Our next show is on the night of March.

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Speaker 1: You can get tickets in the show notes and get

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Speaker 1: on the substack there because that's where we put up.

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Speaker 1: Story Club has its own substack. We have a substack here,

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Speaker 1: but also story Club has its own substack, which is

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Speaker 1: where we put up. If you subscribe, you can watch

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Speaker 1: performances from the past. So if you can't make it

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Speaker 1: to the live shows, well there you go. It can't

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Speaker 1: cost you much and you're able to see the stories

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Speaker 1: and they're fantastic. Talking about knowing yourself today because we

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Speaker 1: think we might know ourselves, but if you're anything like me,

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Speaker 1: look you really only I know your ideal self. It's

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Speaker 1: the version of you that you believe yourself to be.

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Speaker 1: In my case, it's the excellent husband, the brilliant father,

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Speaker 1: the patient parent, the hard worker, the man who's training

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Speaker 1: and eating for vitality, and a man who is dedicated

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Speaker 1: to personal growth and a responsibility possibility and a life

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Speaker 1: of expansion.

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Speaker 2: I'll be the first to admit that.

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Speaker 1: Why these are all things that I do. Indeed, aspire

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Speaker 1: to be. This identity does not actually reflect who I

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Speaker 1: truly am or what's known as my actual self. When

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Speaker 1: there's a gap between the ideal self and the actual self.

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Speaker 2: It can be tough to deal with.

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Speaker 1: It's okay to have a small gap, because life would

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Speaker 1: be pretty boring if we had nothing to aspire to.

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Speaker 1: We all want to be a little better in some

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Speaker 1: part of our lives, don't we. That's why I name

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Speaker 1: the podcast Better than Yesterday?

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: However, if the gap is significant, well, that's when our

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Speaker 1: life can start to feel anything from annoying or difficult

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Speaker 1: to sometimes completely overwhelming. The pain point when it's often

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Speaker 1: happened when our ideal self is challenged, usually by someone

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Speaker 1: who knows us pretty well. And when there's a gap

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Speaker 1: between who we think we are and who we actually are,

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Speaker 1: we can experience things like mild frustration, shame, or even stress.

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Speaker 1: If the GAP's wide enough, it can lead to deep depression,

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Speaker 1: perhaps even an existential crisis.

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Speaker 2: Who even am I?

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Speaker 1: For example, when my claim that I always take the

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Speaker 1: bins out is disputed by hard evidence, I don't know

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Speaker 1: why I put driveway security cameras in, but I didn't

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Speaker 1: look there. It is as my wife taking out the bins,

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Speaker 1: the discomfort or the pain that I feel. That is

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Speaker 1: called cognitive dissonance because there's a discrepancy to what I

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Speaker 1: believe to be true and what is actually true. So

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Speaker 1: to protect my ideal self, I respond with defensiveness. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but that night was my turn to put Wolfe to bed,

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Speaker 1: and I was going to do it after we got

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Speaker 1: to sleep, and then I've got sideline catching up on work.

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Speaker 2: Defensiveness right.

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Speaker 1: Other responses to try to protect the ideal self can

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Speaker 1: be what do I do? A denial or shame avoidance,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about it. This makes sense

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Speaker 1: because questioning your own identity can be super confronting. Your

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Speaker 1: own sensive self can question your own senseive self can

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Speaker 1: be super confronting, especially when deep down we begin to

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Speaker 1: suspect we might not be the top shelf all round

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Speaker 1: legend that we have led ourselves to believe. Being brutally

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Speaker 1: honest with yourself is really tough at first, So it

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Speaker 1: can help to start small. Perhaps estimate, just estimate what

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Speaker 1: your screen time is this week. Think about the app

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Speaker 1: you waste most time on, and just guess the number

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Speaker 1: of minutes you spend on it all right. That number

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Speaker 1: is what your ideal self thinks about how much you

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Speaker 1: use your phone. Now, go and look at the screen

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Speaker 1: time of your actual self. Even a small gap could

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Speaker 1: be uncomfortable to accept, but that is a good motivation

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Speaker 1: to develop some healthier habits. Yet, if you're looking at

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Speaker 1: that number in total disbelief and it feels like someone

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Speaker 1: has jiggered with the numbers where you're not looking, or

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Speaker 1: someone snuck it at nighttime and just been flicking through

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Speaker 1: TikTok while you have slapped, because it's a possible way

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Speaker 1: I could's been that long on it, that is the

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Speaker 1: sign that something bigger is probably going on, and you

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Speaker 1: would likely benefit from checking your ideas about how things

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Speaker 1: work with a therapist.

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Speaker 2: Still, perhaps a psychologist.

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Speaker 1: Denial is more than a river in Africa, and as

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Speaker 1: you get to know your actual self, your ideal self

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Speaker 1: will probably want to seek safety there rather than accepting reality.

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Speaker 2: This might work in the short term.

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Speaker 1: However, the only way to reduce the gap between our

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Speaker 1: ideal self and our actual self is essentially a process

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Speaker 1: of fearless honesty, self compassion, acceptance, and ongoing action. For example,

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to accept that I wasn't able to

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Speaker 1: drink alcohol and maintain control over my life. It took

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Speaker 1: years of emotional calamity and career destruction before my ideal

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Speaker 1: self had to confront the overwhelming body of evidence that

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Speaker 1: my actual self was causing enormous damage both to me

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Speaker 1: and to people who cared about me, every single time

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Speaker 1: I drank, and even when I didn't denying the reality

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Speaker 1: of my behavior by my ideal self, it could no

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Speaker 1: longer defend, could no longer defend against all of that

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Speaker 1: overwhelming evidence, so I had to change. Similarly, when I

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Speaker 1: got divorced. You can bet that my ideal self had

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Speaker 1: some pretty clear ideas about who and what was most

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Speaker 1: to blame for the failure of that relationship, and you'd

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Speaker 1: be right to conclude that no responsibility whatsoever was taken

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Speaker 1: by my ideal self in the marriage breaking down, yet

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Speaker 1: pretty rapidly, with the help of my mentor and a

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Speaker 1: great psychologist, they took me and my ideal self by

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Speaker 1: the hand and slowly walked us through the behaviors, attitudes,

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Speaker 1: unconscious or conscious choices, and the actions of my actual self.

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Speaker 1: It was a little like watching Joseph Suli attempt to

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Speaker 1: horizontally teleport through to the other side of Reese Walsh's

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Speaker 1: head during the Last State of Origin at a thousand

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Speaker 1: frames a second. If you haven't seen that, tackle, don't

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Speaker 1: watch it. It's sickening at times, these beautiful people. They

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Speaker 1: had to hold my eyes open with toothpicks to make

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Speaker 1: sure that I saw and witnessed everything.

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Speaker 2: But it was worth it. It was uncomfortable, but it

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Speaker 2: was worth it.

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Speaker 1: And once I saw it, I started to get tempted

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Speaker 1: to get bogged down and punishing myself for some of it.

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Speaker 2: But they did point out to me that.

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Speaker 1: I don't own a time machine and was unable to

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Speaker 1: change any of it. What I could do was use

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Speaker 1: those uncomfortable feelings to help me make better choices. Now,

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Speaker 1: when we begin to work on shortening the distance between

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Speaker 1: our ideal self and our actual self, it's called bridging,

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Speaker 1: and it starts with self awareness. My ideal self, for example,

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Speaker 1: would like to have less body fat and more muscle.

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Speaker 1: Every time I look in the mirror, though, I see

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Speaker 1: my actual self, which has the opposite of that.

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Speaker 2: It takes courage to.

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Speaker 1: Accept that I look like I look, because my actual

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Speaker 1: self isn't eating or training in the way that my

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Speaker 1: ideal self thinks I am now. While in the past

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Speaker 1: I would often let the fuckets hijack the situation and

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Speaker 1: just eat another delicious tube of coconut yogurt, these days,

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Speaker 1: I harness the fuckets and I use them to my advantage.

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Speaker 1: I did a whole podcast about harnessing the fuckets. I'll

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Speaker 1: put a link to it in the show notes. So

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Speaker 1: how do you actually go about bridging that gap? Funny

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Speaker 1: you should ask, I'm going to tell you after the break.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to the show. Talking about bridging the

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Speaker 1: gap between our ideal self and our actual self?

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Speaker 2: How do you start?

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Speaker 1: Well, it starts with reframing the thoughts you're having about

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Speaker 1: a problem in your life, and then breaking down the

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Speaker 1: solution to that problem into granular, achievable steps.

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Speaker 2: And that's the key to.

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Speaker 1: Moving out of any discomfort that might look like having

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Speaker 1: the thought, oh, I can't do this, and you're simply

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Speaker 1: popping the word yet at the end of it, I

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Speaker 1: can't do this yet. All right, this is one word,

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Speaker 1: but it changes the way you think about it. And

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Speaker 1: so then what's a tiny achievable step towards the version

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Speaker 1: of me that I value, towards the ideal self that

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Speaker 1: I actually want to become. Well, if you're me knowing

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Speaker 1: that my actual self cannot see a tub of coconut

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Speaker 1: yogurt in the fridge and want to inhale the whole

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Speaker 1: thing at once, like it's a jelly shot and a

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Speaker 1: can's backpack of bar then the first achievable step is

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Speaker 1: to not have coconut yogurt in my fridge. Just don't

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Speaker 1: buy it all right. Any bridge is built a tensey

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Speaker 1: bit at a time, and each choice in the direction

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Speaker 1: of what you value brings your ideal self and your

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Speaker 1: actual self closer and closer, and it can be painful,

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Speaker 1: but sometimes pain is a good motivator. It is the

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Speaker 1: knowledge that the amount of discomfort that you feel in

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Speaker 1: your life is directly related to the size of the

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Speaker 1: gap between who you think you are and who you

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Speaker 1: actually are is pretty good inspiration to get to work

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Speaker 1: on bridging that gap. Now, before you head off on

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Speaker 1: your bridge building adventures, I have one final idea that

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Speaker 1: might be useful. One of the things that my ideal

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Speaker 1: self believes is that I'm very compassionate to myself and

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Speaker 1: to others, and have a lot of empathy. However, my

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Speaker 1: actual self can still get really really into doing the

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Speaker 1: old ground and pound on me when certain memories show up,

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Speaker 1: and I can really beat myself up and get quite

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Speaker 1: stuck there. And this is not very helpful because it

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Speaker 1: keeps me stuck in thinking and choices that aren't really

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Speaker 1: useful to me or the way out of my life anymore.

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Speaker 1: So to guard against that, I try to remember the following,

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Speaker 1: Like I'm giving myself an inflight safety briefing. Yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: I know, yes, I know where the exits are, but

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Speaker 1: you know I'm taking anoth light and like I should listen,

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Speaker 1: So I try to remember I did what I believe

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Speaker 1: was the best thing to do at the time. Now

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Speaker 1: I know better, so I do better. The bridge you're

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Speaker 1: building between your ideal self and your actual self might

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Speaker 1: be a footbridge. It might be the length of the

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Speaker 1: Story Bridge and Brisbane, the Baulti Bridge in Melbourne, or

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Speaker 1: perhaps you've got to span what's your gap? You need

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Speaker 1: to build something like that massive one between Denmark and Sweden.

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Speaker 1: But just remember every one of those bridges took time

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Speaker 1: and effort to build, and yet now they're there. We

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Speaker 1: just can't imagine how we ever lived life without them.

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Speaker 1: The work is worth it. And once you've done the work,

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Speaker 1: you get to say And if you don't know, now

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Speaker 1: you know. I think I'll put a link to that

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Speaker 1: song in the show notes too, the clean one, because

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Speaker 1: it's a good song. Thanks for listening to the show.

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Speaker 1: I'll see you Wednesday,