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Speaker 1: Appogiae Production. Welcome to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm

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Speaker 1: actually Bynes. This is a podcast where we learn, laugh,

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Speaker 1: and level up together. Let's go deep, let the emotions flow,

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Speaker 1: find the lessons to grow and glow. Nothing is off

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Speaker 1: the table with Grow and Glow, and I'm here to

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Speaker 1: be your expander. Good morning, good afternoon, everybody. Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to Growing Glow. I'm your host. If you're new here, welcome.

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Speaker 1: If you're an od, welcome back. Today's a bit of

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Speaker 1: a life update. Lots has been going on and we're

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Speaker 1: just about to wrap up twenty twenty four, which is

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Speaker 1: so crazy.

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Speaker 2: My life lately, it's been a little.

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Speaker 1: Bit chaotic, and I don't love celebrating or looking like

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Speaker 1: pushing the hustle culture. I have been hustling for the

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Speaker 1: last fifteen years, and as you guys know, this year,

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Speaker 1: when I found out about my brain aneurysm, I put

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Speaker 1: a halt and I changed a lot of things. I

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Speaker 1: close down one business, I am spending more time with

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Speaker 1: my kids. I'm having a lot more slow and flexibility,

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Speaker 1: and yeah, it's been really really nice to adjust to

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Speaker 1: a new lifestyle of just more peace, more emotional peace,

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Speaker 1: and focusing on my health. I have just finished up

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Speaker 1: working with a coach. Her name is Connie Chapman. You

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Speaker 1: can find her on Instagram. She has a podcast, Beautiful Episodes.

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Speaker 1: If you are someone who is running in the masculine

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Speaker 1: a lot, if you have a lot of wounded masculine energy,

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Speaker 1: if you are just feeling really out of touch with

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Speaker 1: your feminine energy, you're wanting to really get back to.

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Speaker 2: Your body and out of your head.

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Speaker 1: Her podcast is amazing, Like, just by listening to her episodes,

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Speaker 1: I've learned so much. But I decided to work with

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Speaker 1: her one on one for three months, so I had

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Speaker 1: a session every fortnight, and then in between I had

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Speaker 1: whatever support I needed, and then I had access to

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Speaker 1: like a private portal which had meditations and like feminine

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Speaker 1: embodiment sessions, and yeah, it was really really beautiful. If

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Speaker 1: you guys heard the episode with Ryan, I was telling

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Speaker 1: him that I've always he's been a lot more drawn

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Speaker 1: to male coaches. So I've worked with Taylor Cecil, Brian Reeves,

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Speaker 1: Brad Fennel. They're my three main coaches I've worked with

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Speaker 1: over the years, and I just like being in the

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Speaker 1: energy of a really safe masculine Steve before my coaches

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Speaker 1: has been the only safe masculine that I've really had

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Speaker 1: in my life. Levi as well, actually, but yeah, I

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Speaker 1: really love having a male coach. But it's very logical,

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Speaker 1: it's very this is the problem, let's understand it, let's

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Speaker 1: implement things to quote unquote fix it or work through it.

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Speaker 1: And it's very in my head. But I've loved it

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Speaker 1: so so much. But working with a female feminine coach,

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Speaker 1: it's the total opposite. It's not as much talking and

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Speaker 1: it's more feeling and I could even feel myself in

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Speaker 1: some of the sessions. I would start talking and she's like,

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Speaker 1: let's just drop in. I want you to close your

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Speaker 1: eyes and we would just get back into my body.

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Speaker 1: In every single session, I bored my eyes out. So

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Speaker 1: I finished up with her now. But yeah, we did

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Speaker 1: a lot of inner child work and a lot of

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Speaker 1: things around my father, around my wounds. Sisterhood wounds come

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Speaker 1: up really strongly for me, abandonment and rejection wounds from

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Speaker 1: when I was a little girl, and we had to

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Speaker 1: really go back to when I was younger, to the

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Speaker 1: moments where I felt abandoned or rejected or not good enough,

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Speaker 1: not seen, not her, and I had to go back

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Speaker 1: there and like actually fully sit with her.

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Speaker 2: It's been really nice.

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Speaker 1: Because I had a big realization, I think in the

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Speaker 1: second or third session, of just how much I don't

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Speaker 1: fully allow myself to feel like I've got awareness to

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Speaker 1: allow my emotions to come up. But I would still

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Speaker 1: distract when it got too much, or tell myself that

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Speaker 1: I was too busy, I didn't have the time and space.

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Speaker 1: So by distract you could even word it in a

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Speaker 1: way of like numbing out. I would eat more, I

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Speaker 1: would work more, I would scrawl on my phone, I

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Speaker 1: would be busy with the kids.

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Speaker 2: I would just kind of park it to the side.

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Speaker 1: But when I sign up with a coach, like, I'm

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Speaker 1: not going in there to be half are so I'm

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Speaker 1: going in there to be completely vulnerable and really like

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Speaker 1: be cracked open in the most beautiful way. And I

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Speaker 1: feel like there's no way they can fully help me

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Speaker 1: heal and work through things that I want to work

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Speaker 1: through unless I be one hundred percent real with what's

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Speaker 1: coming up for me. So yeah, it was a really

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Speaker 1: emotional journey. But my main goal in tension for working

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Speaker 1: with her was to come out at the end of

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty four, a lot softer. I've been running in

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Speaker 1: my masculine for so long because I never had a

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Speaker 1: healthy masculine growing up, and I've always been one to

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Speaker 1: just get shit done. I've worked since I was thirteen

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Speaker 1: years old. I've just got this hard protective shield in

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Speaker 1: front of me to make sure that I suppose no

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Speaker 1: one really can hurt me and that I always have

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Speaker 1: my own back. But in your true feminine essence, you're

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Speaker 1: a soft You surrender, You're opened up.

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Speaker 2: You're really open to.

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Speaker 1: Receiving and allowing people to take care of you and

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Speaker 1: look after you. And I wanted to learn how to

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Speaker 1: be out of balance and blend both energies because one

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Speaker 1: is not good or bad, but it's really important for

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Speaker 1: both male and females to be able to honor both

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Speaker 1: energies because they're both within ourselves. But at our core,

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Speaker 1: we're going to be one or the other. More so

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Speaker 1: my core, I'm more feminine, but over the years, I

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Speaker 1: have trained myself to be more masculine to keep myself safe.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, my main goal was to come out the

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Speaker 1: other side just being a lot more softer and open, and.

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Speaker 2: I really do feel it. It's been so nice.

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Speaker 1: It's been really hard every session to cry so much

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Speaker 1: and to release.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I also did say this in Ryan's episode, just in

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Speaker 1: case you missed it. In my second session, when I

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Speaker 1: first went back into a visualization of meeting my little girl,

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Speaker 1: I just was boiling my eyes up and she's like,

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Speaker 1: what's coming up for you? And I was like, I'm

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Speaker 1: just so scared that I can't show up consistently for her.

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Speaker 1: This inner child and your little person inside you, it's

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Speaker 1: not separate from you, it's just you, but a younger version.

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Speaker 1: They're always going to be there. But I just said,

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Speaker 1: I just feel like I can't show up for her consistently,

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Speaker 1: which means that I can't show up for myself consistently

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Speaker 1: even as an adult woman. Now, that was a really

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Speaker 1: big light bulb moment for me of like, wow, I

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Speaker 1: really do abandon myself a lot. So when I get

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Speaker 1: too much or too emotional, I'm feeling a lot like

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Speaker 1: I abandon myself. And every time you abandon yourself as

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Speaker 1: your adult self, you're actually abandoning your younger self. And

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Speaker 1: it's really cool when you visualize and can see you're

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Speaker 1: inner child, especially being a mum of a daughter and

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Speaker 1: a son. Now, when I was going back to meet

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Speaker 1: my little girl, I almost pictured my kids as well,

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Speaker 1: and how much I cannot abandon them, and how much

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Speaker 1: I'm there for them, and how much space I hold

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Speaker 1: for them, and I want to attend to every single

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Speaker 1: one of their emotional needs because I never want them

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Speaker 1: feeling like they're too much Mummy and Daddy aren't going

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Speaker 1: to be there for them.

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Speaker 2: So I'm really good at doing that.

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Speaker 1: With my own kids. But why was I not doing

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Speaker 1: it for myself? So I felt like in that moment,

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Speaker 1: there was just this switch that flicked inside me of

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Speaker 1: like I am going to make this like invisible, emotional,

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Speaker 1: like energetic connected contract with myself to never abandon myself

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Speaker 1: ever again. Every time I need to feel something and

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Speaker 1: I'm experiencing something, I'm going to have my own back

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Speaker 1: and I'm going to show up for myself just the

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Speaker 1: way I would with my children. And this is something

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Speaker 1: that I want to teach my kids how to do

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Speaker 1: as well. And it's been really nice to not be

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Speaker 1: distracting with my phone or with food or being busy.

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Speaker 1: I actually just stop, and it can look as small

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Speaker 1: as if I start to feel overwhelmed or something's coming

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Speaker 1: up for me. I literally can just like put my

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Speaker 1: hands on my belly and on my heart and just

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Speaker 1: take some big breaths. And I love doing like a

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Speaker 1: little gentle sway and just asking myself, what do I

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Speaker 1: need in this moment, what's coming up for me? And

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Speaker 1: sometimes I'll just need to say to Steve it's seen

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Speaker 1: to stay outside for a few moments, or I'll literally

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Speaker 1: just goneto my wardrobe where it's quiet and I can

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Speaker 1: just get recentered, see what's coming up for me and

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Speaker 1: say I were in the middle of bath and bedtime

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Speaker 1: or whatever, might even just quickly drop down some notes

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Speaker 1: in my journal and then when they go to bed,

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Speaker 1: I spend that time with myself. Over the three months

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Speaker 1: as well, I've really learned different ways to bring myself

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Speaker 1: back to my center. It's a lot more in your

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Speaker 1: body as well, like somatically moving through my emotions. But

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Speaker 1: one thing I've been doing, I want to talk about

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Speaker 1: these new ways that I've been implementing to help regulate

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Speaker 1: my nervous system and bring me back to my center

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Speaker 1: and get me grounded again and also allow my feelings

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Speaker 1: to come up and I feel like to heal things.

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Speaker 1: We really have to feel things. Yeah, So I've been

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Speaker 1: doing a lot of mirror work, and when I feel

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Speaker 1: something coming up and I feel emotion, I literally sit

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Speaker 1: in front of the mirror and stare at myself and

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Speaker 1: watch myself cry and fully allow it, and I just

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Speaker 1: stare so much love into my own eyes.

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Speaker 2: I do a lot of havening. I do a lot

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Speaker 2: of like.

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Speaker 1: Cuddling and swaying, and I just fully be there for myself.

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Speaker 1: And when I'm staring at myself, like, I just feel

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Speaker 1: like I'm really holding myself through that and I'm soothing myself.

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Speaker 1: In the past past actually would go outside for soothing,

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Speaker 1: whether it's through Steve or through friends. My mom and

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Speaker 1: I still do that, like they're still there for me. However,

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Speaker 1: I think it's so important for you to be able

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Speaker 1: to soothe your own emotions. So I really felt that's

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Speaker 1: helped me a lot. And then another thing, I think

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Speaker 1: anger is something I've really suppressed over the years, and

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Speaker 1: it's a really unhealthy thing to not let it come up. Anger, guilt,

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Speaker 1: and shame, I think are three vibrations that we kind

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Speaker 1: of bury and suppress because we think that we won't

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Speaker 1: be lovable if we allow that to come up, and

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Speaker 1: I know I've definitely felt like that, So I really

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Speaker 1: had to learn a way for my anger to come

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Speaker 1: up and for it to be seen and to still

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Speaker 1: love myself regardless of how that looks for me. Allowing

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Speaker 1: my anger to come up is and it sounds crazy

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Speaker 1: probably listening and be like, I'm not going to do that.

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Speaker 1: And I felt uncomfortable at the start too, but then

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Speaker 1: when I started to feel how good it felt to

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Speaker 1: let it out. It's just literally moving stuck energy, and

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Speaker 1: I feel like moving it somatically is so powerful. So

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Speaker 1: I'd put on really angry music, like really hardcore crazy music,

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Speaker 1: and just like literally dance and move around and like

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Speaker 1: just shake the energy out. And then sometimes I would

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Speaker 1: punch a pillow. I would scream into a pillow and

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Speaker 1: just get that rage out. And this is something I encourage.

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Speaker 2: My little boy to do.

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Speaker 1: Obviously, they have like big spouts of testosterone into their

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Speaker 1: bodies and they get a lot of rage, and it's

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Speaker 1: so important to be able to teach them to get

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Speaker 1: that out in a really healthy way because if they don't,

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Speaker 1: then they can have big outbursts or like hit and

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Speaker 1: punch someone else or hurt themselves. Like, it's very important

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Speaker 1: life skill that I'm trying to allow him to find

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Speaker 1: healthy ways to express and welcome all of his emotions

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Speaker 1: because they are just emotions. They're not who we are.

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Speaker 1: They're part of our human experience. So we need to

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Speaker 1: allow all of them to come up and know that

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Speaker 1: we're still loved and accepted regardless of all those feelings.

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Speaker 1: We can feel something and it doesn't have to mean anything,

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Speaker 1: but we need to allow it to come up. So, yeah,

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Speaker 1: dancing to hard music, screaming to a pillow, punching a pillow,

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Speaker 1: and just getting the energy out of my body. But

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Speaker 1: after that, I then like to soften, So then put

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Speaker 1: on a soft song, a song I'm really liking at

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Speaker 1: the moment. I'm gonna actually play it for you guys.

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Speaker 1: This is a song I've been dancing to. So I'll

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Speaker 1: do like a hard crazy song, and then I'll put

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Speaker 1: this on and just sway and just allow my body

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Speaker 1: to move it a certain way. And then I'll finish

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Speaker 1: off either sitting on the ground in front of the

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Speaker 1: mirror or laying down, and then I'll finish off with

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Speaker 1: a meditation or just some breath and just be with

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Speaker 1: myself with this song. It's called Camp Trails over the

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Speaker 1: Country Club by Lana del Ray Laura with.

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Speaker 2: The Camtrails over the.

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Speaker 1: Oh, it literally makes me cry even hearing that song,

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Speaker 1: I think because I've been leaning on that song so

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Speaker 1: much lately and like allowing everything to come up.

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Speaker 2: And these are not sad tears.

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Speaker 1: These are tears of just like, oh, it's been a

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Speaker 1: massive year with my health and all the changes that

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Speaker 1: have happened in my work life, my life in general,

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Speaker 1: and I've really had to shed so much and let

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Speaker 1: go of so much and embrace the.

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Speaker 2: Change and welcome it in.

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Speaker 1: But it's been so beautiful, Like I could not have

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Speaker 1: had this coach at a more perfect time to help

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Speaker 1: me learn really beautiful ways to support myself and soothe

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Speaker 1: myself and allow it all to come up. Because I

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Speaker 1: just feel so energetically and emotionally so much lighter. I

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Speaker 1: kind of worded this to a girlfriend the other day

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Speaker 1: that like, if you don't do this kind of work

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Speaker 1: and allow things to come up, picture it. As I've

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Speaker 1: said on the podcast before, I actually but referring to Taj,

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Speaker 1: put you it like you've got a backpack on your back,

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Speaker 1: and every time you go through something hard, or you

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Speaker 1: feel these heavy emotions, you're adding another rock into your

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Speaker 1: bag and you're walking around with this massive weight on

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Speaker 1: your shoulders. I feel like every session I did with

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Speaker 1: my coach, I got to like take a rock out.

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Speaker 1: And I'm not even carrying a backpack anymore. I don't

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Speaker 1: feel like I'm carrying any of that heavy emotion, any guilt,

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Speaker 1: any shame, anything that's not serving me anymore. I can

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Speaker 1: like peacefully unplug. I'm not attached to how things were

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Speaker 1: or how I thought they were going to be. I'm

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Speaker 1: fully in such a place of trust and surrender that

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Speaker 1: life is happening exactly how it's meant to for me,

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Speaker 1: and I am fully allowing all of it to flow

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Speaker 1: into my life and pan out just how it's meant

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Speaker 1: to be, and I will accept it all and I

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Speaker 1: will receive all, and I just, yeah, I feel so

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Speaker 1: much better. So that's been a really beautiful time. So

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Speaker 1: that's finish up with her. I'm not sure who I'll

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Speaker 1: work with next year. I just I suppose I want

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Speaker 1: to take time off over the Christmas period and just

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Speaker 1: see how I feel and see where I want to

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Speaker 1: work and see what I want.

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Speaker 2: To improve on. But it's been really beautiful three months.

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Speaker 2: I was in.

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Speaker 1: Sydney last week, which by the time you guys listen

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Speaker 1: to this, it will be a couple of weeks ago

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Speaker 1: for a Snapchat event, which is really really cool. I've

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Speaker 1: done a lot of panels over the years, and I

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Speaker 1: really love speaking on panels. I just feel it's very

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Speaker 1: authentic and organic conversations about topics that I'm passionate about.

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Speaker 1: And Snapchat is one of my favorite apps. I just

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Speaker 1: feel like it's so unfiltered and I can get on

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Speaker 1: there and just talk and talk and talk, and I

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Speaker 1: don't get caught off after a minute, and I feel

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Speaker 1: like it's where my original community has come from, and

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Speaker 1: I just feel a very strong connection with everyone on there.

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Speaker 2: I just really love it. So that was really fun.

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Speaker 1: But the morning of I woke up and I started

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Speaker 1: to lose my sight again, which was absolutely terrifying. You

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Speaker 1: guys would have seen online that I've been going through

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Speaker 1: some stuff emotionally with the little changes of the podcast,

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Speaker 1: and I had an MRI. I've got my neurology appointment

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Speaker 1: on Monday. I have to have another surgery and I

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Speaker 1: have a healing brain aneurysm, and I have another bulging aneurysm,

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Speaker 1: and stress is the worst thing for anyone with aneurism.

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Speaker 1: It is the one thing that the surgical teams say

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Speaker 1: you need to avoid keep your stress levels low. And

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Speaker 1: it's been a really stressful couple of weeks emotionally just

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Speaker 1: navigating it all. And yeah, I started to lose my

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Speaker 1: sight for the first time since March. Sarah was like,

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Speaker 1: you're really really I was like, I am calm because

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Speaker 1: I can stay regulated, but I'm so scared. I had

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Speaker 1: neuropein there, so I took that straight away and it

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Speaker 1: did ease off. But yeah, when I called Steve, I

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Speaker 1: was just like, this is so scary when you have

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Speaker 1: these aneurysms. My aneurism was to rupture. It could literally

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Speaker 1: kill me or I could stroke really badly and just

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Speaker 1: not be the same person. And I just have such

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Speaker 1: a big, full life to live. It's just always in

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Speaker 1: the back of my mind. And I have a new

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Speaker 1: surgery date, which is the end of January, so I'm

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Speaker 1: really excited to do that, which sounds weird because I'm

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Speaker 1: actually petrified of the surgery and the recovery time is

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Speaker 1: not a good time. But I am so grateful that

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Speaker 1: they've found these aneurysms, and we have such an incredible

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Speaker 1: healthcare system here in Australia. The nurses are amazing. I've

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Speaker 1: got such great support around me. My body is healthy

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Speaker 1: and fit and strong, you know. Ever since it's happened,

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Speaker 1: I've made really positive changes in my life to keep

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Speaker 1: my stress levels low and to be more in flow,

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Speaker 1: and I feel so much more aligned in everything that

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Speaker 1: I'm doing.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, it's all good.

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Speaker 1: I just had that moment in Sydney where I was like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this is so scary, like you can't

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Speaker 1: help but have intrusive thoughts of like this is my

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Speaker 1: aneurism and this is going to be my first symptom,

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Speaker 1: and oh yeah, it was scary. Anyways, it went away

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Speaker 1: and we're all good, and I've got a neurology appointment

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Speaker 1: on Monday, which I'm excited to sit down and talk

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Speaker 1: with them. And then Andrew January, I'll go back into

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Speaker 1: surgery to have the second aneurism a stent put into that.

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Speaker 2: So yes, that's what's been happening.

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Speaker 1: And then another life update is I was talking about

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Speaker 1: and exploring about homeschooling Taj. I have decided not to

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Speaker 1: His school is really beautiful and he really does love it.

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Speaker 1: There's a couple of classes he doesn't love, but overall

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Speaker 1: we are really happy.

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Speaker 2: With him there.

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Speaker 1: And I'm working less, but I still am working. And

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Speaker 1: I feel like most of the moms I know that

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Speaker 1: are homeschooling, they aren't working, and nive partner is the

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Speaker 1: sole income provider, and I could do that if I like,

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Speaker 1: But I really really love having other passions and purpose

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Speaker 1: and working on my mission to work with beautiful women

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Speaker 1: and help inspire them to live a beautiful, healthy, authentic,

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Speaker 1: passion filled life. And there's just so much that I

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Speaker 1: want to do, particularly around this beautiful podcast and working

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Speaker 1: with all of yous. So yeah, when we spoke about it,

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Speaker 1: I kind of said, if I do homeschool, I think

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Speaker 1: I would need to stop everything else I'm doing so

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Speaker 1: I can really put everything into it and just for

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Speaker 1: us right now. It didn't feel right when we really

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Speaker 1: spoke about it, and his school is really amazing, and

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Speaker 1: I'll be scared we wouldn't be able to get him

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Speaker 1: back in as well. I have decided to keep Tala

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Speaker 1: home for another year. We were going to put her

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Speaker 1: on daycare next year, but I decided to keep her

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Speaker 1: home another year. I really love the flexibility of just

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Speaker 1: being able to see her as much as I want

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Speaker 1: when I've got a quiet a week with work, and

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Speaker 1: still take her to all that activities. She's absolutely thriving

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Speaker 1: at home. Our beautiful nanny is leaving though. Tash has

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Speaker 1: been with us for five years now, and she is

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Speaker 1: honestly like a sister to me.

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Speaker 2: I love her so much. It's actually really hard to talk.

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Speaker 1: Oh God, I'm emotional today, but yeah, it's really really

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Speaker 1: sad that she's leaving us. She's moving up the coast

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Speaker 1: kind of near Bunderberg, So she's leaving December twentieth. That

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Speaker 1: will be her last day working for us, and it's

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Speaker 1: just gonna be really odd because I love her so much,

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Speaker 1: and she literally is like a sister from another mister.

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Speaker 1: We're literally the same person. And my kids absolutely love her,

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Speaker 1: especially Taler because Taj's at school so he doesn't really

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Speaker 1: see Tash as much, but Tyla is with Tash whenever

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Speaker 1: I'm working, and they are actually best friends. Like when

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Speaker 1: Tash walks in the door, you should see Tyler's face.

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Speaker 1: It's just so lit up. So we're in the interviewing

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Speaker 1: process of trying to find someone new, and it's just

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Speaker 1: really hard because I just can't help but compare them

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Speaker 1: to Tash and I just want Toush to stay. But

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Speaker 1: I'm also like really open and I know there's other beautiful,

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Speaker 1: amazing humans out there that Tyler will fall in love with. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: she's just about not settling and finding that person.

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Speaker 2: So yeah.

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Speaker 1: Otherwise, we've got Christmas coming up, My birthday then Christmas,

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Speaker 1: and then we've hired out a beautiful home. It's like

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Speaker 1: seven bedrooms down in Byron Bay over the New Year period,

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Speaker 1: so we're just going to have a couple of family

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Speaker 1: like our friends come down and families with the kids

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Speaker 1: and do sparkles on New Years and barbecues and good

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Speaker 1: music and just have some really slow quality time and

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Speaker 1: then Steve's family's going to come.

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Speaker 2: Towards the end of the week. Yeah, life's really good.

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Speaker 1: I just want to say a massive thank you to

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Speaker 1: each and every single one of you for supporting me

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Speaker 1: alongside my journey this year.

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Speaker 2: It's been a lot.

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Speaker 1: I've gone through a lot, and it just makes it

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Speaker 1: not feel so lonely having this community. I feel like

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Speaker 1: you guys just always have my back and that's my

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Speaker 1: little life update and freaking can't wait for you guys

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Speaker 1: to see the new podcast name and the new podcast

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Speaker 1: co hosts, like, we've got so much happening next year.

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Speaker 1: I'll say more another episode, but otherwise, thanks for joining me,

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Speaker 1: and I'll be in your ears next week.

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Speaker 2: Hi,