1 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:04,400 Speaker 1: Cada. Welcome to the show. When was the last time 2 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,680 Speaker 1: you wait gluten? You might not think it's a big deal, 3 00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:10,280 Speaker 1: but I have a story about the very last time 4 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:13,480 Speaker 1: I ever ate gluten. It was a while ago. I 5 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: haven't tasted a bagel or a bowl of ramen in years. 6 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,960 Speaker 1: But the upside of that is that I have a 7 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 1: son now and the two things are somewhat related. How 8 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,680 Speaker 1: and why am I telling you this story? I will 9 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:29,760 Speaker 1: share that after the break, as well as probably a 10 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:40,360 Speaker 1: bit more than you ever expected. God, I thanks so 11 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,440 Speaker 1: much for listening to the show. This is better than yesterday, 12 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:46,440 Speaker 1: making it better every single episode since twenty and thirteen. Now, 13 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:49,800 Speaker 1: when I'm not making this podcast, I'm writing books. In fact, 14 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:52,680 Speaker 1: we hit send on the final I don't even know 15 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,160 Speaker 1: what kind of file type it is, but it's gone 16 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,920 Speaker 1: off to the printer on the next book, which I'm 17 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,400 Speaker 1: very excited about. When I'm not doing this, I'm writing books. 18 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,440 Speaker 1: And we're not doing that, I'm producing and writing for 19 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:07,199 Speaker 1: a show called story Club, a legendary live storytelling show, 20 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:10,120 Speaker 1: comedy storytelling show which has been happening once a month 21 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: in Sydney for years now, ever ten years, and I've 22 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,560 Speaker 1: taken over producing it recently and I'm loving it. And 23 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,279 Speaker 1: we have an extra special, rather immense the Sydney Comedy 24 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,800 Speaker 1: Festival show coming up. We are stoked to be a 25 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,680 Speaker 1: part of the festival and to celebrate, we have an 26 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,600 Speaker 1: all time cast joining us on Sunday, the eleventh of May. 27 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,000 Speaker 1: I so hope you can come because at the Comedy Store, 28 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:34,720 Speaker 1: which is at the Entertainment Quarter in Sydney, right next 29 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:37,880 Speaker 1: door to the SCG. The theme for story Club will 30 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 1: be not what I signed up for. Yeah. Story is 31 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,400 Speaker 1: about committing to one thing before discovering far too late 32 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:47,200 Speaker 1: that this thing was actually something completely different. Essentially, now, 33 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,360 Speaker 1: there's only two rules for story Club. Rule number one, 34 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 1: the story's got to be true and rule two the 35 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: story has got to be less than fifteen hundred words. 36 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,240 Speaker 1: And the cast for the next show is wall to 37 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 1: wall with legends joining us the eleventh of May. Absolute 38 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 1: destroyer of worlds when it comes to cooking and cookbooks, 39 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,880 Speaker 1: and that's what I reckon. We'll be on stage telling 40 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:12,120 Speaker 1: a story, as will comedy writing colossus Hannah Riley. She 41 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:15,119 Speaker 1: wrote The Debs, she wrote Sheerlers, she wrote Growing Up Gracefully. 42 00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 1: Musician mechanic, one half of Mighty Krmod's Moog, also known 43 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,520 Speaker 1: by his family as Blair Jocelyn, also known by Moss 44 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,600 Speaker 1: of Australia as one of the guys from Top Gier, 45 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,560 Speaker 1: the one with a hat. He's an amazing guy. He's 46 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,160 Speaker 1: gonna be joining us and on stage raning out the 47 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:35,520 Speaker 1: cast will be writer, actor and director Gracie Otto. Gracie 48 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:40,360 Speaker 1: fucking Yes, she's calling action on Artful Dodgers. He's directing 49 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,320 Speaker 1: Artful Dodger in Sydney right now and she's taking one 50 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:44,840 Speaker 1: day off that she gets in the week to come 51 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,240 Speaker 1: and tell a story on stage with us, and I 52 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,400 Speaker 1: cannot wait. Zone not in Lodge will join me and 53 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,640 Speaker 1: I'll tell a story as well. Tickets are selling fast already. 54 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:54,799 Speaker 1: The Substack people got the link a couple of days ago. 55 00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:56,480 Speaker 1: If you're quick, you can get in as well. Do 56 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,240 Speaker 1: not miss it. It will be all time. We do 57 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,640 Speaker 1: record every single show and we shoot it every single show, 58 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 1: so if you can't make it, I do put the 59 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,840 Speaker 1: full stories up on Substack after a little while for 60 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:08,000 Speaker 1: the people that do subscribe. So with that being said, 61 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 1: to inspire you to get tickets, allow me to share 62 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,240 Speaker 1: the story that I told on stage last week. Our 63 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:19,160 Speaker 1: theme for story club was No Turning Back. It's lunchtime 64 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,639 Speaker 1: on a Tuesday, and I'm sitting across from my beautiful 65 00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 1: wife Audrey at the legendary Yasaka Ramen on Liverpool Street. 66 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:32,120 Speaker 1: This ramen is so delicious that when I needed to 67 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:36,000 Speaker 1: get a biopsy to confirm my celiac diagnosis, my gas 68 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 1: to enterologist ask me to deliberately go out and eat 69 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:41,720 Speaker 1: a heap of gluten to create a flare up so 70 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,760 Speaker 1: that he could do the shishkaba procedure where they go 71 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:47,320 Speaker 1: in at both ends to get the biopsy to make 72 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,600 Speaker 1: it just a little easier, you know, so you can 73 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 1: get for the red, angry bits to chop out. And 74 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,680 Speaker 1: so because of that, I chose this ramen with this 75 00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:01,400 Speaker 1: woman as my last ever meal of gluten. And that 76 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:04,760 Speaker 1: was six months ago. And while I'm not eating ramen today, 77 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 1: I'm very happy just to chat with my wife while 78 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:11,200 Speaker 1: she enjoys a succulent Japanese meal. She usually gets the 79 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,080 Speaker 1: spare rib ramen, which comes with a whole hunk of 80 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,960 Speaker 1: meat on the bone hanging out of it like a 81 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,920 Speaker 1: porky piece of celery in a brothy, bloody Mary. Now 82 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,480 Speaker 1: I've watched Audrey inhale a bowl of this ramen almost 83 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:27,240 Speaker 1: as quickly as I've watched defendants across the street inhale 84 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:29,880 Speaker 1: an entire cigarette in one breath before they walk in 85 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:35,040 Speaker 1: to the magistrate at the Downing Center. There's a face 86 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: that Audrey makes on the first slurp of the soup, 87 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 1: the face which says, oh, this is what I needed today. However, 88 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 1: the first slurp of soup does not bring that face. 89 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,919 Speaker 1: It brings the face she makes when she smells the 90 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,040 Speaker 1: milk in the fridge and realizes we need to go 91 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:53,680 Speaker 1: up those shops. Never one to be defeated, Audrey definitely 92 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,280 Speaker 1: swirls some noodles around a chopstick, slurps them up, and 93 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,719 Speaker 1: there's the face again. There's a burp with so much 94 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,960 Speaker 1: resonance that I'm expecting her breakfast is about to be 95 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:08,919 Speaker 1: ejected into an already very full bowl of noodles. But 96 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:12,480 Speaker 1: let's go back a bit. I became a stepfather when 97 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 1: I was forty one, when Ordery's daughter Georgia came into 98 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,159 Speaker 1: my life. Now people will tell you parenting is hard, 99 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,159 Speaker 1: and it is, but I'm here to tell you. Step 100 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,080 Speaker 1: parenting is harder. You can trust me on that, because 101 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:29,279 Speaker 1: I do both. My transition into being a stepdad was 102 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:32,200 Speaker 1: far quicker than I anticipated. I work up on a Monday. 103 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 1: She's a girlfriend's kid, work up on a Tuesday. My 104 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,600 Speaker 1: girlfriend's kid, work up on a Wednesday. 105 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:37,479 Speaker 2: If I needed to. 106 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,080 Speaker 1: Push her out of the way of a bus, I would, 107 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,080 Speaker 1: even if it meant I would just be minced me 108 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:43,120 Speaker 1: like a kangaroo on the side of the highway. 109 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,080 Speaker 2: I no longer matter. 110 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 1: Everything in my life is now about making sure you're 111 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,040 Speaker 1: a fed, clothes, educated, kept safe, and have every opportunity 112 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,479 Speaker 1: to go and whatever adult you want to be in. 113 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:52,039 Speaker 1: My entire focus for work in life is now to 114 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:55,479 Speaker 1: provide that for you, and that alone. Fuck, I haven't 115 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,440 Speaker 1: even had a cup of coffee yet it's a Wednesday morning. 116 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,839 Speaker 1: And that surprised me too that this happened, because I 117 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:05,960 Speaker 1: am what is known as a selfish prick, so with 118 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,839 Speaker 1: about six weeks of experience, yet with a kid who 119 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:13,719 Speaker 1: is eleven, I assume the role of a parent not 120 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,719 Speaker 1: very well. I have to be honest with you, but 121 00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:20,560 Speaker 1: I am trying my best for the next five years. 122 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:24,200 Speaker 1: As Georgia crows, into a powerful teenager. I continue to 123 00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:27,240 Speaker 1: trip over myself as I try to match the challenges 124 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:30,800 Speaker 1: of being the best step father I can be. It's 125 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 1: not without its checups, Yet the three of us is 126 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:37,679 Speaker 1: perfectly enough as far as we're concerned. It's a delightful trinity. 127 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 1: Sometimes you need something to happen to a person close 128 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,160 Speaker 1: to you in order to understand it fully, Like how 129 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:49,599 Speaker 1: I really didn't understand the appeal of ketamine until a 130 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,800 Speaker 1: maid of mine, who I want to protect, so let's 131 00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:55,920 Speaker 1: call him Jonthony, decided to do lines of it while 132 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,279 Speaker 1: we were just hanging out on a Tuesday night. Now, 133 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,719 Speaker 1: Johnson need snded into a k hole so deep that 134 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,920 Speaker 1: my other mate had to pull out the emergency psilocybin 135 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,000 Speaker 1: spirit guide skills that he developed after years of attending 136 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:13,240 Speaker 1: three day long bushdoofs in the hills around Cans, and 137 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:18,400 Speaker 1: he gently cradled Jonthany's psyche in his hands for a 138 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:22,120 Speaker 1: number of hours until the effects of the ketamine finally 139 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 1: wore off and he was whole again. Only then did 140 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:29,680 Speaker 1: I understand what ketamine is all about. So similarly, when 141 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,560 Speaker 1: my youngest brother Ed had a son, I not only 142 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,800 Speaker 1: saw the joy and transformation in him, but how it 143 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:38,520 Speaker 1: changed and deepened his relationship with his partner, and I 144 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 1: really wanted the same thing with Audrey. Now, it turns 145 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 1: out the decision to pull the goalie is the easy part. 146 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,960 Speaker 1: If only I had known that the average couple takes 147 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 1: nine months to conceive, it would have been less awful. Unfortunately, 148 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 1: I'd been pre programmed with the literal fear of God 149 00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 1: by my teachers during high school pe class all those 150 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: years ago. Loyal employees of a Brisbane Catholic boys school. 151 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:08,640 Speaker 1: These manly men with big mustaches and tiny shorts, had 152 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:12,360 Speaker 1: us convinced that all we would need to do is 153 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,400 Speaker 1: merely think about taking off our trousers in the same 154 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,040 Speaker 1: room as a woman at boom. 155 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,680 Speaker 2: Would be instant fathers and our lives would be ruined 156 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,360 Speaker 2: and would let our family down. We would have let 157 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,760 Speaker 2: our school down, we would ruin everything as well. Just 158 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,800 Speaker 2: move to an hour because our ling lives are going 159 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:30,120 Speaker 2: to be over. Pregnancy might well be that easy when 160 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,600 Speaker 2: you're a teenager, but when you're a man in your forties, 161 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:37,239 Speaker 2: it's another story altogether. My wife, Audrey, well, she's Fijian 162 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,120 Speaker 2: and in her exact words and I quote, it's not me, 163 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 2: I'm an islander. Close quote She's right, Fiji's a fertile country. 164 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 2: The problems clearly may so off. I trot to one 165 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,520 Speaker 2: of the more interesting medical investigations. 166 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:55,079 Speaker 1: That I've been involved in. There's a building in the 167 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,960 Speaker 1: middle of Sydney. On the ninth floor. There is a 168 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,840 Speaker 1: front desk staffed with four or five I have delightful 169 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,439 Speaker 1: female receptionists in their mid twenties, a waiting room completely 170 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:08,920 Speaker 1: packed with people, not a chair to spare, and absolutely 171 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:13,600 Speaker 1: nobody there is acknowledging that everyone in that waiting room 172 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,640 Speaker 1: is about to have a wank. There's a great myth 173 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,560 Speaker 1: that for women to achieve orgasm, the stars and planets 174 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,480 Speaker 1: have to be in perfect alignment. But all it takes 175 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 1: for men is a breeze blowing in the right direction 176 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:31,079 Speaker 1: and splat, You're having a waking, wet dream. It is, 177 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,600 Speaker 1: and I have to diffuse that myth. It is hard 178 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 1: to perform under pressure. Well, actually it's not hard, but 179 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,400 Speaker 1: that's the point. Yet, what am I going to do? 180 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 1: I'm here, I'm better lean into this with a little 181 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,800 Speaker 1: tingly sweet voice. One of the younger receptionists caused my 182 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:53,200 Speaker 1: name across the packed room. Oshah, could you follow me please? 183 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,640 Speaker 1: I think everyone's going to turn it look, but they don't, 184 00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 1: because those motherfuckers know they are next, and we are 185 00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:04,679 Speaker 1: all willingly participating in a collective delusion that in ninety 186 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:07,280 Speaker 1: seconds from now, I won't be in the room right 187 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,599 Speaker 1: across the hall, right there, with my pants off, masturbating 188 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 1: into a cup. She shows me the big blue door 189 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,760 Speaker 1: and pulling it open towards me. Odd for a door 190 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,600 Speaker 1: leading off a hallway I see inside there is a 191 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 1: vinyl covered recliner, at the top of which is an 192 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:26,680 Speaker 1: enormous role of that thin but absorbent paper that the 193 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:31,079 Speaker 1: chiropractor rolls out to cover the bed before you hop on. Thankfully, 194 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:34,280 Speaker 1: the seat already has the comeproof paper on it, fastened 195 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,559 Speaker 1: at the footrest by a locking mechanism lest my orgasmic 196 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:42,040 Speaker 1: convulsions tear it loose. There's a ring bound operations manual, 197 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,240 Speaker 1: which is more in common with something you'd find in 198 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,240 Speaker 1: an episode of severance than the Airbnb is spending the 199 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:51,920 Speaker 1: weekend in. It is recommended that you remove your pants. Yeah, 200 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 1: fair enough. Anyone who's ever had a wank has had 201 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:58,240 Speaker 1: the experience of wayward ejaculate missing its target, and that 202 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,360 Speaker 1: room full of people between me and the lift might 203 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,600 Speaker 1: not stretch that collective delusion to ignore the stains on 204 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:07,480 Speaker 1: my trousers. There are reading materials to your left, as 205 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:11,040 Speaker 1: well as the controller for the DVD player to the left. 206 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:14,280 Speaker 1: You say, well, I guess most people are right handed. 207 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 1: If you need a bigger cup, please ask for one. 208 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,800 Speaker 1: I look around to see the size of the vessel 209 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,400 Speaker 1: I'm supposed to spoff in. It's a sea through plastic cup. 210 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:27,640 Speaker 1: I lift it up, hold it to the light, and 211 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:31,120 Speaker 1: clearly stamped on the bottom of it is six hundred 212 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:34,960 Speaker 1: milli liters. Who has so much gears that they need 213 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:39,560 Speaker 1: more than six hundred millileters. Even the most robust adult 214 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,920 Speaker 1: film star would struggle to produce more than a few tablespoons, 215 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:47,000 Speaker 1: depending on how much celery is eaten. I didn't realize 216 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,800 Speaker 1: that a plastic cup could make me feel emasculated, but 217 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:55,640 Speaker 1: here I am. It's only now that I realize there's 218 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:59,840 Speaker 1: no lock on the door, the door that opens outwards 219 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:04,880 Speaker 1: towards the hallway. As a teenager, you learn to position 220 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:08,000 Speaker 1: yourself on the blind side of the door, giving you 221 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:12,319 Speaker 1: a few extra nanoseconds to make critical evasive maneuvers, as 222 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,840 Speaker 1: your mumbarges in to ask, where have all the handkerchief's 223 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:19,720 Speaker 1: gone in this room? There's none of that. How am 224 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,960 Speaker 1: I supposed to perform one of these conditions. I understand 225 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,839 Speaker 1: why people would reach for the reading materials or flick 226 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,320 Speaker 1: on the DVD, but if this ends up being the 227 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 1: sample that they use to proceed with IVF, if we 228 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,840 Speaker 1: have to go down that route, I certainly don't want 229 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,520 Speaker 1: the conception of a child to have anything to do 230 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:43,480 Speaker 1: with pool cleaning or pizza delivery. Look, you can probably 231 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,360 Speaker 1: guess what happened next. However, I do need to play 232 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,640 Speaker 1: some ads. I'll be back with the happy ending of 233 00:12:49,679 --> 00:12:52,360 Speaker 1: this story after the break. God, I'm not even sorry 234 00:12:52,400 --> 00:13:03,280 Speaker 1: for making that bun. Thanks for coming back. So I'm 235 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 1: alone in a room with no lock on the door, 236 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: an enormous cup in one hand, and look, you can 237 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 1: figure out the rest. Eventually I managed to get there, 238 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,520 Speaker 1: and when I'm done, I head down the hall. There's 239 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 1: a window in one wall, a cup sized hole in 240 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:22,439 Speaker 1: the bottom of that window. Doing what the sign says, 241 00:13:22,559 --> 00:13:27,480 Speaker 1: I placed the cup on the ledge. Another lovely young 242 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,880 Speaker 1: woman wearing a pre COVID hazmat suit, including the visor. 243 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,040 Speaker 1: First time I've seen it, confirms one name. Slaps a 244 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,360 Speaker 1: sticker on the cup, pointing a gloved hand, says, Oh, 245 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,760 Speaker 1: you can go out that way and thank fac for that. 246 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,560 Speaker 1: A side door takes me back to the lift, and 247 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,480 Speaker 1: this way the waiting room doesn't have to see my 248 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 1: stumbley post orgasmic gait. A week later, the report comes back, 249 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:54,840 Speaker 1: manny sperm with head and neck and tail defects. Few 250 00:13:55,040 --> 00:14:03,600 Speaker 1: normal sperm observed. Few Something, isn't it? We only need one? Right? 251 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,040 Speaker 2: I remember that much? 252 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 1: From pe back to the doctor, there's more blood tests, 253 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:12,520 Speaker 1: and then he's finally revealed what's going on. I've tested 254 00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:16,240 Speaker 1: off the scale for Celiac disease, which is an autoimmune disorder. 255 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,520 Speaker 1: Whenever my body sensors gluten, it thinks it's being attacked 256 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,680 Speaker 1: by pathogen. So as a last ditch to tempt to 257 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 1: stop that pathogen from entering my blood stream, it basically 258 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,480 Speaker 1: melts the villi inside my small intestine where the nutrients 259 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:32,200 Speaker 1: gets absorbed. Now, even if that pathogen is a delicious 260 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,680 Speaker 1: chewy bagel, my body won't know about it. The result 261 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,400 Speaker 1: is that slowly, over time I receive less and less 262 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,560 Speaker 1: nutrients from what I'm eating. My body's systems start to 263 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:46,240 Speaker 1: cannibalize themselves to keep the inessentials running, and my reproductive 264 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:50,360 Speaker 1: system well, that is no longer a priority now, thankfully. 265 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,920 Speaker 1: The treatment for this autoimmune disease is pretty tasty, and 266 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,760 Speaker 1: within a few months of that final ever bowl of 267 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,920 Speaker 1: Rama and I start to feel better. Yet, even though 268 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:04,840 Speaker 1: my testosterone is recovering, we still aren't conceiving. Getting pregnant 269 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:09,480 Speaker 1: after thirty five is a little like this. You're standing 270 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,920 Speaker 1: alone on the side of the Hume Highway between Sydney 271 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:15,280 Speaker 1: and Melbourne. In your hand, you hold a ping pong ball. 272 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,800 Speaker 1: Once a month, a car speeds by at one hundred 273 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,600 Speaker 1: and ten kilometers an hour with the passenger window open. 274 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,600 Speaker 1: Your goal is to throw that ping pong ball through 275 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,960 Speaker 1: the open window of that speeding car and land it 276 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 1: in the cup holder. Your timing has to be perfect. 277 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,640 Speaker 1: If you miss, don't worry. Another car will be along 278 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:42,040 Speaker 1: in twenty eight days. Sounds romantic, doesn't it. Every time 279 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:46,320 Speaker 1: Audrey got her period, we deflated like a rented backyard 280 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,760 Speaker 1: jumping castle. The moment after the last kid had been 281 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 1: extracted by an exasperated parent. It would take his days 282 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:56,040 Speaker 1: to recover, but try again around ovulation, only to go 283 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 1: through the whole disappointment again two weeks later. Now, after 284 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:05,240 Speaker 1: a while, sex becomes almost mechanical, even stressful. That stress 285 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,440 Speaker 1: means even less sex is happening completely. Fin's the point. 286 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 1: So in a story you've probably heard many times before. Look, 287 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,680 Speaker 1: I've been away for a couple of weeks of work. 288 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,080 Speaker 1: Audrey and I reunited for a weekend together before we 289 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,800 Speaker 1: head back to Sydney, and, not wanting to spoil that 290 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 1: time together with all the ovulation coordination which is went 291 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:30,040 Speaker 1: stuff there is, we deleted all the apps, We forgot 292 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:32,840 Speaker 1: about the scheduling, the temperatures were just stopped being deliberate 293 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:37,240 Speaker 1: about it. And here we were a few weeks later, 294 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 1: still in the glow of that weekend together in the sun, 295 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 1: enduring a nice meal before we had to go to 296 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 1: a meeting. Except it wasn't nice and Audrey wanted to 297 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:53,360 Speaker 1: throw up. I asked her shall we pop into the 298 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:58,320 Speaker 1: pharmacy on the way to this meeting. Her talk burped response, YEP, 299 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:03,640 Speaker 1: pretty much told us everything. Now our apartment was between 300 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,760 Speaker 1: us and the meeting, So I pulled into the driveway 301 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,080 Speaker 1: where pregnancy test in hand, Audrey jumped out and walked 302 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 1: to the downstairs toilet in our old red brick apartment building. 303 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,760 Speaker 1: It's a nice old design. Old people live there. Sometimes 304 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:19,159 Speaker 1: they can't make it upstairs. In time. There's a toilet 305 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,160 Speaker 1: down amongst where the cars are parked. It was actually 306 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:25,240 Speaker 1: quite lovely and in that toilet, along with the daddy 307 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,440 Speaker 1: long legs and the smell of the cold bare bricks, 308 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:31,199 Speaker 1: Audrey peede on a stick. She gets back in the car. 309 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:35,520 Speaker 1: I throw it in reverse, and just as my left 310 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,320 Speaker 1: hand is about to hit the back of her head 311 00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:40,080 Speaker 1: rest so I can palm the car backwards down the driveway, 312 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:44,480 Speaker 1: she hands me the stick like a rat test, coming 313 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,480 Speaker 1: up with an immediate hard double line if you're positive 314 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:52,440 Speaker 1: for the spicy cough. There it was no turning back. 315 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:57,439 Speaker 1: When the baby's coming. The baby's coming, and whether I 316 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,560 Speaker 1: like it or not, I'm gonna have to figure out 317 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,960 Speaker 1: this parenting thing. And I'll let you know if I do. 318 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,199 Speaker 1: But you got you know a lot more about me 319 00:18:11,359 --> 00:18:14,439 Speaker 1: than you probably did twenty minutes ago. So that's the 320 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:17,720 Speaker 1: story I told last week May eleventh, as part of 321 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,720 Speaker 1: the Sydney Comedy Festival. We'll be doing it all again 322 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,960 Speaker 1: story Club five point forty five. It's an earlier show 323 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,440 Speaker 1: on the Sunday. Joining us will be NAT's What I Reckon, 324 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 1: Graciotto Blair, Jocelyn and Hannah Riley, Zoe, Juton Lodge and myself. 325 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,119 Speaker 1: Links in the show notes for the tickets, get around 326 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:35,880 Speaker 1: it because they won't last long. It's a massive show. 327 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,840 Speaker 1: It'll be a ton of fun. If you can't make 328 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:39,680 Speaker 1: it to the shows, just get on the substack because 329 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,639 Speaker 1: I put the full stories up there after a little while. 330 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,440 Speaker 1: Thanks to Adam Buncher, who made this episode. I hope 331 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,160 Speaker 1: you have a lovely day. I'll see your background Wednesday. 332 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,960 Speaker 1: Alegrais Bender is our guest. Have a beautiful evening.