WEBVTT - JFG Girls Guide: Eating & Body Image - Sam Opens Up

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<v Speaker 1>Hi, guys, Welcome back to Thursday's episode. It is solo

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<v Speaker 1>sam oh I was playing will isn't it? What does

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<v Speaker 1>that call alliteration? Okay? Fuck, if it's not the ruruation,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm just gonna sound so stupid. But anyway, Yeah, back

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<v Speaker 1>onto our solo episodes. I think this is the first

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<v Speaker 1>one I've really really done alone. I'm sitting in the

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<v Speaker 1>room with our producer Blake, so I'm gonna be speaking

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<v Speaker 1>to him as well because I feel all good but

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<v Speaker 1>not used to it. Today, I wanted to kind of

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<v Speaker 1>open up about my journey with my eating disorder. I

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<v Speaker 1>feel like it's been touched online a little bit, like

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<v Speaker 1>I've obviously spoken about it here and there, but I've

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<v Speaker 1>never really gone into detail about my journey. I was

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<v Speaker 1>quite afraid for a few years, and I wasn't really

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<v Speaker 1>over it as much as I probably should have been

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<v Speaker 1>to talk about it. But I wanted to share it

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<v Speaker 1>with you guys a little bit. I'm going to go

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<v Speaker 1>into the details that I feel the most comfortable with sharing,

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<v Speaker 1>and there are so many episodes I could do about

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<v Speaker 1>this because it's such a complex mental illness and something

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<v Speaker 1>that everyone, I feel like has not to extreme lengths.

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<v Speaker 1>But some people and a lot of people I know

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<v Speaker 1>have dabbled with body image issues or eating issues, or

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<v Speaker 1>self doubt and low confidence issues. So I think it's

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<v Speaker 1>a really important topic to talk about. But I want

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<v Speaker 1>to quickly make sure that you guys aren't taking my

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<v Speaker 1>word as a bible and not thinking that that's the

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<v Speaker 1>way to do it or that's the way to have it.

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<v Speaker 1>Like I'm speaking from experience, not from a medical professional.

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<v Speaker 1>If you are really really struggling and this is a

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<v Speaker 1>really hard topic to listen to, please don't listen to it.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not asking you to sit through and put yourself

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<v Speaker 1>through hell and listen to my experience when you're going

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<v Speaker 1>through your own journey. There are so many episodes that

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<v Speaker 1>you can listen to that are way more positive than this.

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<v Speaker 1>And if you are really struggling, please contact professional and

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<v Speaker 1>someone who actually really knows what they're talking about and

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<v Speaker 1>not speaking from their experience and can speak from an

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<v Speaker 1>educational standpoint that can actually help you recover. And there

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<v Speaker 1>will also be a whole heap of resources and links

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<v Speaker 1>in the show notes for you girls to reach out with.

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe you can this will inspire you to have a

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<v Speaker 1>chat with your parents or seek help from your boyfriend

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<v Speaker 1>or someone close to you, that you guys can go

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<v Speaker 1>on this journey together and live life and enjoy life.

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<v Speaker 1>But yeah, I think let's just get straight into my story. So, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>a bit of backstory. I'm twenty two years old. I

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<v Speaker 1>think some people think I'm a little bit older than that,

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<v Speaker 1>but no, I'm twenty two and I was diagnosed with

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<v Speaker 1>anorexia novosa at the age of seventeen, when I was

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<v Speaker 1>in year twelve, so that was twenty twenty and it's

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<v Speaker 1>been a journey ever since. But I don't think it

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<v Speaker 1>really started there. My whole life, I grew up really

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<v Speaker 1>really healthy. I loved being active and I loved playing sports.

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<v Speaker 1>I grew up in a really healthy, active household, which

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<v Speaker 1>was amazing. And I also quickly want to preface that

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<v Speaker 1>my family and everyone around me have always been an

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<v Speaker 1>amazing sort system. They'd be my number one supporter shouting

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<v Speaker 1>me from the sidelines, and it's not any of their fault. Again,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm speaking from experience and how I've processed things in

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<v Speaker 1>my life, and that is never my family's fault, and

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<v Speaker 1>my family are amazing people. But I did grow up

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<v Speaker 1>in quite a tumultuous household. There was a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>things going on in my family that I will never

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<v Speaker 1>speak about. But because of that, my eating disorder was

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<v Speaker 1>a play on effect of me feeling like I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>have any control over other people's actions and other things

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<v Speaker 1>that were going on in my life. So it kind

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<v Speaker 1>of developed into me having orthorexia, which is an extreme

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<v Speaker 1>obsession with healthy eating and exercise. I was just obsessed

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<v Speaker 1>with it. I was a playing state hockey at the time.

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<v Speaker 1>I was playing for so many hockey teams. I loved it.

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<v Speaker 1>I was really active, but there was a click one

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<v Speaker 1>day where my love for it became an addiction. And

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<v Speaker 1>eating and food and controlling those things is actually an

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<v Speaker 1>addiction that you have to break. And that's why I

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<v Speaker 1>sometimes recovery it seems so impossible, because you're addicted to

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<v Speaker 1>the feeling, and you're addicted to that voice and that

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<v Speaker 1>validation that that voice is giving you. And yeah, because

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<v Speaker 1>twenty twenty happened, obviously, COVID happened. I think that really

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<v Speaker 1>then highlighted that because I had nothing else to do,

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<v Speaker 1>I was stripped from all my workout classes, I was

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<v Speaker 1>stripped from my hockey team and all of those things

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<v Speaker 1>that made me me suddenly left and I was only

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<v Speaker 1>then responsible for me and growing up and everything like that.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm the third child to my parents kind of always

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<v Speaker 1>told me how resilient I was, and I never really

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<v Speaker 1>knew how to open up to people. I was quite

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<v Speaker 1>a broken kid in the way of like, I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>know how to speak about my feelings. I had had

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<v Speaker 1>bad experiences with psychologists, breaking confidentiality and everything like that,

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<v Speaker 1>so I kept a lot to myself and I just

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<v Speaker 1>kind of took it to an extreme. I'm not going

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<v Speaker 1>to go into details about it because it's not that

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<v Speaker 1>important to the story, but I pretty much just went

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<v Speaker 1>down a big rabbit hole in COVID and got very

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<v Speaker 1>very ill, very quickly. Because I wasn't leaving my house,

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<v Speaker 1>I wasn't allowed to do anything, and my brother actually

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<v Speaker 1>was the one who noticed it and brought it up

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<v Speaker 1>to my parents because my parents were so busy working

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<v Speaker 1>and everything like that, and pretty much I just crashed

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<v Speaker 1>and I was really really sick. And I was had

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<v Speaker 1>turned eighteen at that time, so I was an adult,

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<v Speaker 1>so I wasn't forced to do anything. And again, this

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<v Speaker 1>is where my strong minded headspace comes from. That I

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<v Speaker 1>refuse to have a problem, and I think their best.

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<v Speaker 1>I think I get asked a lot of questions about

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<v Speaker 1>how do you help people that are around you with

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<v Speaker 1>disordered eating and that mental illness, because it actually is

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<v Speaker 1>a mental illness. And sometimes people think they only care

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<v Speaker 1>about what they look like and that's what they're doing.

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<v Speaker 1>It's actually not. It's a lack of control that someone's

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<v Speaker 1>trying to control in their life, and it could be

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<v Speaker 1>about a million other things besides food, and majority of

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<v Speaker 1>the time people with an eating disorder are actually obsessed

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<v Speaker 1>with food. They actually love it way more than of

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<v Speaker 1>the person. But it's a control thing for them, and

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<v Speaker 1>that's what mine was. And I was going to these

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<v Speaker 1>doctors appointments, and I was voluntarily going to those doctor's appointments,

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<v Speaker 1>so I was making sure that I was like still

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<v Speaker 1>okay enough to go through life. And there was obviously

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<v Speaker 1>boundaries and everything that I had in place that I

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<v Speaker 1>was able to do. But I could barely walk upstairs.

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<v Speaker 1>Guys like I was really not well, and I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>really notice it until I then discovered that I had

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<v Speaker 1>a problem. And I think that's like the biggest turning point.

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<v Speaker 1>And girls will that haven't gone through recovery is like

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<v Speaker 1>you one day and you will know where you have

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<v Speaker 1>taken this too far and your life is horrible. My

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<v Speaker 1>life is miserable. I could barely stay awake. I was

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<v Speaker 1>sleeping because I all I wanted to do was sleep

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<v Speaker 1>off the days. I wouldn't leave my house, I wouldn't

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<v Speaker 1>go to social events. I wasn't enjoying life because all

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<v Speaker 1>of those things came around and what my eating disordered

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<v Speaker 1>mind deemed as bad and deemed as anxious and everything

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<v Speaker 1>like that, which is not. They're the joys of life

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<v Speaker 1>and they're the best things ever. And it wasn't until

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<v Speaker 1>I met my boy ex boyfriend Caleb and honestly like, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>we're not together now and everything like that, but I

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<v Speaker 1>wholeheartedly will give him my life because he saved my

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<v Speaker 1>life and he taught me that food is not There

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<v Speaker 1>is no such thing as good or bad food. Everything

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<v Speaker 1>is amazing in moderation and seeing someone with such food freedom,

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<v Speaker 1>like he felt like a burger. He just went and

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<v Speaker 1>ate a burger. He didn't think about it, and he

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<v Speaker 1>felt like ice cream after DESRT he just went and

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<v Speaker 1>got an ice cream. And I was so freeing because

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, oh my god, you haven't thought about

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<v Speaker 1>that for like six hours. You haven't like calculated your

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<v Speaker 1>whole day. You just felt like an ice cream and

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<v Speaker 1>you went and ate it. And he was like yep.

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<v Speaker 1>And I was like, oh, like that's kind of good.

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<v Speaker 1>And then he would be like, why why didn't you

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<v Speaker 1>try it? You do that? And then I was like, oh, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>like I guess it wouldn't be that bad. And guess what,

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<v Speaker 1>it wasn't that bad, Like I think, once you really

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<v Speaker 1>dumb it down, it's not that bad. It's not gonna

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<v Speaker 1>fucking kill you. And I don't want to talk about

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<v Speaker 1>logistics about it because I think that could scare people

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<v Speaker 1>about it. But I tell you right now, it is

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<v Speaker 1>so fucking hard to gain weight that one ice cream

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<v Speaker 1>is not going to kill you. One burger is not

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<v Speaker 1>going to kill you. Putting rice in your dinner is

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<v Speaker 1>not going to kill you. Like, none of those things

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<v Speaker 1>are gonna kill you. And if anything, they're gonna fucking

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<v Speaker 1>save you. And they saved me. They literally brought me

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<v Speaker 1>life back. They made me a human again, and I

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<v Speaker 1>got color in my face, I started to look more

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<v Speaker 1>like a woman. And obviously it's really scary with all

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<v Speaker 1>of those changes, but I think I'm living proof of

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<v Speaker 1>my life got so much better after I I chose recovery.

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<v Speaker 1>And yeah, it's not linear, and you do battle with

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<v Speaker 1>those thoughts for the rest of your life, but it's

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<v Speaker 1>earning those tools to not live and then not give

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<v Speaker 1>into those negative thoughts, and that's what you do with

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<v Speaker 1>a nutritionist. I worked alongside a nutritionist and a psychologist.

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<v Speaker 1>But the people that really saved me with the people

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<v Speaker 1>that I opened up to and told that I had

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<v Speaker 1>a problem, because for a long time I kept it

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<v Speaker 1>a secret and it wasn't worth it. Like I ended

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<v Speaker 1>up giving into that and was like, yep, like, guys,

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<v Speaker 1>I really need help here. And everyone would sit around

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<v Speaker 1>the table and everyone would not talk about oh, that's

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<v Speaker 1>so bad for me or anything like those words were

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<v Speaker 1>off limits and they weren't allowed to say that. It's like,

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<v Speaker 1>we're having passive dinner passes, so young, let's eat pasta.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think the changing the language around food is

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<v Speaker 1>really really important. And having support networks and telling people

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<v Speaker 1>that you need extra help is proving to you and

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<v Speaker 1>proving to others that you're actually way stronger than what

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<v Speaker 1>you think you are and asking people for help is okay,

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<v Speaker 1>and that's what I would do. I'd be like, look,

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<v Speaker 1>I really need to eat lunch today, and I probably

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<v Speaker 1>will put it off unless I tell someone that I

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<v Speaker 1>need to eat lunch day. So I'm telling everyone around

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<v Speaker 1>me that I'm spending the day with you've got to

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<v Speaker 1>make sure I eat lunch. And everyone was like, all right,

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<v Speaker 1>got it, perfect, It's lunchtime, Sam eat lunch. Because I've

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<v Speaker 1>told everyone I felt like I had. Everyone had to

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<v Speaker 1>hold me accountable and everyone had to make me eat lunch.

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<v Speaker 1>And then because you're around people, you're not thinking about

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<v Speaker 1>it and you just eat the lunch. And those little

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<v Speaker 1>things I think were the best tools for me to

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<v Speaker 1>get my life back. Actually, and since that, my life

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<v Speaker 1>has become so much better. Like I travel, I do

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<v Speaker 1>all of these things. I enjoy nice food, I love

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<v Speaker 1>drinking with my friends and all of that stuff I

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<v Speaker 1>never did when I was really really struggling. And now

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<v Speaker 1>I'm on my own journey. Now I've you toy back

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<v Speaker 1>and forth, like you go through hard times, and I

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<v Speaker 1>think sometimes it's really easy to fall back into those

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<v Speaker 1>old patterns, and I can tell in myself how strong

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<v Speaker 1>I've become over those years to never give into those

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<v Speaker 1>thoughts anymore. And now I'm like a healthy adult and

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<v Speaker 1>I could. I always used to look at those people

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<v Speaker 1>who chose recovery, being like, I don't know how the

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<v Speaker 1>fuck you've ever did that. When I was in the

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<v Speaker 1>root of it, I was like, that fucking cheek is

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<v Speaker 1>fucking amazing and how I don't know how she got there,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'll never get there one day. I always thought

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<v Speaker 1>I was never going to be that girl, But I'm

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<v Speaker 1>living proof right now because I'm clearly speaking about it.

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<v Speaker 1>And once you gain that control back in your life,

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<v Speaker 1>you were literally capable of everything. That is the hardest

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<v Speaker 1>thing I've ever had to overcome in my life. And

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<v Speaker 1>now it's not a thought in my everyday life. It's

0:11:35.920 --> 0:11:39.240
<v Speaker 1>not something that controls me. I now can go to

0:11:39.320 --> 0:11:41.520
<v Speaker 1>the gym, and I enjoy going to the gym. I'm

0:11:41.559 --> 0:11:44.840
<v Speaker 1>not using it as a punishment. I'm not eating anything

0:11:44.920 --> 0:11:47.520
<v Speaker 1>because I can't have it and stuff like that. Like

0:11:47.640 --> 0:11:50.640
<v Speaker 1>I love eating healthy, I love eating whole foods. I

0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:53.240
<v Speaker 1>love doing things and nourishing my body that make me

0:11:53.400 --> 0:11:56.360
<v Speaker 1>feel good. But fuck me, if there's bol of fries there,

0:11:56.400 --> 0:11:58.120
<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna fucking eat the bowl of fries. And I

0:11:58.360 --> 0:12:00.160
<v Speaker 1>never used to do that. I never used to do

0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:04.160
<v Speaker 1>any of those type of things. And I think now

0:12:04.240 --> 0:12:06.800
<v Speaker 1>as a twenty two year old looking back at the

0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:09.480
<v Speaker 1>eighteen year old, seventeen year old, nineteen year old, all

0:12:09.520 --> 0:12:11.199
<v Speaker 1>the way up till I was about twenty years old,

0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:13.480
<v Speaker 1>I just want to give my old self a hug

0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:16.000
<v Speaker 1>and tell myself that it's going to be okay. And

0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:19.439
<v Speaker 1>I think, if you're young and you're really struggling right now,

0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:21.400
<v Speaker 1>I want to give you a hug and tell you

0:12:21.480 --> 0:12:23.440
<v Speaker 1>that it's going to be okay. But the only person

0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:26.480
<v Speaker 1>that needs to convince themselves it's going to be okay

0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:29.880
<v Speaker 1>is yourself. And that food is not the enemy. And

0:12:30.040 --> 0:12:34.840
<v Speaker 1>food is a joy of life, and food is purely

0:12:34.920 --> 0:12:36.839
<v Speaker 1>a vessel for you to live. And if you want

0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:40.280
<v Speaker 1>to live and have experiences and enjoy life for everything

0:12:40.360 --> 0:12:43.880
<v Speaker 1>that it has, you need eat food. I saw a

0:12:44.000 --> 0:12:46.840
<v Speaker 1>psychiatrist once when I was going through that whole journey,

0:12:46.880 --> 0:12:49.000
<v Speaker 1>and she literally said to me, and I think this

0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:51.440
<v Speaker 1>is like one of the biggest turning points. She said,

0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:55.439
<v Speaker 1>I diagnose people. I work with people with schizophrenia, I

0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:58.839
<v Speaker 1>work with people with all of these mental illnesses, and

0:12:58.880 --> 0:13:01.360
<v Speaker 1>I can medicate them to help them and to get them,

0:13:01.480 --> 0:13:03.880
<v Speaker 1>help them get their life back on track. Do you

0:13:03.960 --> 0:13:06.200
<v Speaker 1>know what your medicine is, Sam? And I was like, well,

0:13:06.640 --> 0:13:08.920
<v Speaker 1>what is my medicine? Like rolling my eyes like this

0:13:09.080 --> 0:13:12.400
<v Speaker 1>bitches like honestly not going to help me because I

0:13:12.440 --> 0:13:14.079
<v Speaker 1>was so stuck in it. And she was like walking

0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:17.959
<v Speaker 1>into Woolies, grabbing a fucking basket and putting food in

0:13:18.040 --> 0:13:20.199
<v Speaker 1>your basket and then eating it. That's your medicine. And

0:13:20.280 --> 0:13:22.840
<v Speaker 1>I can't convince you to do that. I can't convince

0:13:22.880 --> 0:13:25.640
<v Speaker 1>you to swallow a burger, but that's your medicine. I

0:13:25.679 --> 0:13:27.880
<v Speaker 1>cannot give you a tablet or a prescription that's going

0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:29.840
<v Speaker 1>to fix what you're going through because the only person

0:13:29.920 --> 0:13:31.760
<v Speaker 1>that's going to fix that is you walking into the

0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:34.720
<v Speaker 1>supermarket and you buying yourself food. That is your medicine.

0:13:35.200 --> 0:13:39.320
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, obviously this is kind of like the first

0:13:39.400 --> 0:13:41.959
<v Speaker 1>part of me talking about it. I think for so

0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:43.839
<v Speaker 1>many years I didn't want to talk about it, and

0:13:43.880 --> 0:13:45.720
<v Speaker 1>I didn't want to open that can of worms because

0:13:45.720 --> 0:13:47.679
<v Speaker 1>I wasn't truly ready to let that part of my

0:13:47.840 --> 0:13:50.600
<v Speaker 1>life be on the internet. I kind of talked about

0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:52.599
<v Speaker 1>it a little bit the other day on TikTok. But

0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:54.599
<v Speaker 1>I don't want those huge comments. I want to be

0:13:54.640 --> 0:13:56.400
<v Speaker 1>able to talk about it in the space that I'm

0:13:56.480 --> 0:13:59.080
<v Speaker 1>comfortable with without other people telling me I'm doing something

0:13:59.160 --> 0:14:01.559
<v Speaker 1>wrong or telling me I'm not doing it enough. For

0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:06.880
<v Speaker 1>all of those things, recovery is individual and there's no

0:14:07.080 --> 0:14:09.760
<v Speaker 1>right or wrong way to do it. There's obviously a

0:14:09.880 --> 0:14:12.120
<v Speaker 1>line to follow along, but everyone's got to do it

0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:14.160
<v Speaker 1>in their own way. And I think this is the

0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:18.280
<v Speaker 1>next step almost in my recovery, is creating a community

0:14:18.400 --> 0:14:22.920
<v Speaker 1>around that and talking about those things to help hopefully

0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:26.680
<v Speaker 1>help other girls to choose the right path. And yeah,

0:14:26.800 --> 0:14:30.520
<v Speaker 1>that's where I'm at in it all. Obviously, not a psychologist,

0:14:30.600 --> 0:14:34.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm not a genius. I'm just speaking from experience, But yeah,

0:14:34.880 --> 0:14:37.320
<v Speaker 1>I think that's I'm at, finally at a point where

0:14:37.400 --> 0:14:39.480
<v Speaker 1>I'm ready to accept that that was a part of me,

0:14:39.600 --> 0:14:41.520
<v Speaker 1>but I no longer identify as that. And for a

0:14:41.600 --> 0:14:44.520
<v Speaker 1>long time I still kind of identified it as it,

0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:47.560
<v Speaker 1>and I wasn't completely over it or at a good

0:14:47.680 --> 0:14:50.080
<v Speaker 1>enough point in my life to speak about it. But

0:14:50.440 --> 0:14:54.440
<v Speaker 1>I've been an amazing, massive journey. I had to give

0:14:54.520 --> 0:14:56.560
<v Speaker 1>up uni I had and that's how I fell into

0:14:56.600 --> 0:15:00.320
<v Speaker 1>social media and then having my life on social media. Obviously,

0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:03.320
<v Speaker 1>you have people commenting about how you look every single day.

0:15:03.920 --> 0:15:06.640
<v Speaker 1>But I think this is a time where I'm ready

0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:08.760
<v Speaker 1>to be open with you guys in such an important

0:15:08.760 --> 0:15:12.320
<v Speaker 1>subject that I'm ready to talk about in certain times.

0:15:12.400 --> 0:15:15.680
<v Speaker 1>So if you guys want to hear certain other things

0:15:15.680 --> 0:15:18.560
<v Speaker 1>about it, or if you want other people to talk

0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:20.320
<v Speaker 1>about it, if you want people to come on the

0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:23.080
<v Speaker 1>podcast and talk about it and we can unpack and

0:15:23.280 --> 0:15:28.040
<v Speaker 1>find some solutions, please message me. My dms are always open.

0:15:28.240 --> 0:15:32.040
<v Speaker 1>I will read them all. But yeah, that's a little

0:15:32.040 --> 0:15:35.520
<v Speaker 1>bit of my story about my eating disorder. She's a

0:15:35.560 --> 0:15:39.400
<v Speaker 1>fucking bitch, actually, and I fucking hate her, but she's

0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:43.480
<v Speaker 1>long gone. She's an enemy and she's I've delisted her

0:15:43.520 --> 0:15:46.320
<v Speaker 1>from my life. But yeah, I love you, guys, And

0:15:46.640 --> 0:15:49.320
<v Speaker 1>if you are really struggling, please go to the show

0:15:49.400 --> 0:15:52.080
<v Speaker 1>notes below and reach out speak to your mom and dad.

0:15:52.160 --> 0:15:55.000
<v Speaker 1>I know it's a really, really tough conversation, but tough

0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:58.920
<v Speaker 1>conversations always have good outcomes majority of the time. So yeah,

0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:06.920
<v Speaker 1>I love you. Turned to Segesta papers a banana patasana

0:16:07.160 --> 0:16:08.040
<v Speaker 1>papers a