WEBVTT - I Take Things Personally. Here’s What Actually Helps 0:00:00.450 --> 0:00:04.090 I received another Instagram message and it just had a 0:00:04.130 --> 0:00:06.130 link and it said, have you seen this? Clicked on 0:00:06.160 --> 0:00:07.940 the link and it took me to this forum. 0:00:08.080 --> 0:00:09.960 This was in the dark corners of the web. It 0:00:09.980 --> 0:00:10.840 was a troll forum. 0:00:11.000 --> 0:00:15.260 They literally just discuss people online. They discuss celebrities. They 0:00:15.300 --> 0:00:18.200 discuss whoever kind of puts themselves out there for the world. 0:00:18.360 --> 0:00:21.070 And they comment on everything from their family, their kids, 0:00:21.130 --> 0:00:24.140 their looks, the things that you just wouldn't thing to say, 0:00:24.200 --> 0:00:27.300 these people were saying it. Anyways, I found my own 0:00:27.340 --> 0:00:30.510 little dedicated forum where they referred to me as just 0:00:30.590 --> 0:00:35.349 another mummy flog and I began reading and I just remember. 0:00:34.990 --> 0:00:37.269 Like it felt like the floor just swallowed me whole. 0:00:38.990 --> 0:00:42.610 Hello guys, welcome back to Stepping Up. I am so excited, 0:00:42.650 --> 0:00:44.659 I'm back in the Nova studio. As you guys know, 0:00:44.680 --> 0:00:48.199 I've been recording from home for far too long. It's weird, 0:00:48.540 --> 0:00:50.339 it's weird how when you go into different environments, I 0:00:51.100 --> 0:00:54.260 don't know, something in your brain switches, like for example, 0:00:54.380 --> 0:00:58.220 if I work in a cafe, suddenly I'm super productive. 0:00:58.300 --> 0:00:58.920 I don't muck around. 0:00:58.960 --> 0:01:01.740 But if I'm trying to work from home, I muck 0:01:01.780 --> 0:01:05.620 around a lot. I procrastinate and I get distracted. And 0:01:06.100 --> 0:01:10.770 it's the same when I record from home. Sure, it's convenient, 0:01:10.830 --> 0:01:13.250 but I don't know, my brain just doesn't switch on 0:01:13.290 --> 0:01:15.030 like it does when I come into the studio. 0:01:15.170 --> 0:01:17.410 So I'm really, really glad to be back. It's so, 0:01:17.450 --> 0:01:19.330 so good. And especially like. 0:01:19.770 --> 0:01:22.230 Working, obviously I've got my team and stuff, but I 0:01:22.250 --> 0:01:24.209 do work from home quite a lot. And you do get, 0:01:24.310 --> 0:01:27.800 you go a bit cuckoo sometimes. And I'm more of 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:31.280 an introverted type of person, but you really do need 0:01:31.420 --> 0:01:35.580 like human connection and just to get out sometimes. You know, 0:01:35.600 --> 0:01:38.679 we had, we went to our friend's 40th birthday on 0:01:38.700 --> 0:01:39.340 the weekend. 0:01:39.700 --> 0:01:42.759 And guys, I don't really drink anymore. I can't really drink. 0:01:44.010 --> 0:01:46.309 tell you when the last time it was that. 0:01:46.230 --> 0:01:48.110 I had a drink, which if you guys know my 0:01:48.150 --> 0:01:51.990 backstory is amazing because I've always really struggled with alcohol, 0:01:53.510 --> 0:01:55.750 which isn't funny. I don't know why I laughed, but yeah, 0:01:55.830 --> 0:01:58.330 now I've got a really, like, I just, it just 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:00.560 doesn't interest me anymore, which I never, ever thought I 0:02:00.600 --> 0:02:02.740 would say. If you guys want me to do an 0:02:02.780 --> 0:02:04.540 episode on that, let me know because I have no 0:02:04.580 --> 0:02:06.500 shame around it. I think it's really important that we 0:02:06.560 --> 0:02:10.140 talk about it more, especially like with motherhood and stuff. Anyways, 0:02:10.260 --> 0:02:12.360 I was hung over for two days, not worth it. 0:02:12.910 --> 0:02:14.090 But I had a really good time and it was 0:02:14.110 --> 0:02:17.650 just good to like see friends. And, you know, having 0:02:17.690 --> 0:02:20.589 like human connection is this like so ingrained in us, 0:02:20.650 --> 0:02:25.560 which is literally this episode. I put a post up 0:02:25.620 --> 0:02:27.700 on Instagram to be like, what did you guys want 0:02:27.720 --> 0:02:30.240 me to talk about on the podcast? And the biggest 0:02:31.000 --> 0:02:33.880 one that everyone came back with was how not to 0:02:33.919 --> 0:02:36.200 take things personally and how not to care, I guess, 0:02:36.220 --> 0:02:38.889 what people think of you. And this is something that 0:02:38.990 --> 0:02:41.250 you think, you know, when you get past the teenage years, 0:02:41.410 --> 0:02:43.549 it just disappears, but it doesn't. 0:02:43.669 --> 0:02:47.389 And I think, you know, this for me. 0:02:49.010 --> 0:02:50.730 Very much, this is like an example, I guess, of 0:02:50.830 --> 0:02:53.450 how much people's opinions and that can affect us. 0:02:53.710 --> 0:02:56.570 And I don't escape from that either. 0:02:57.190 --> 0:03:00.380 It happened years ago and I received an Instagram message 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:05.959 from a profile called Dog Mom Forever. And this message said, 0:03:05.980 --> 0:03:08.829 why do you sound like a man? Now, at the time, 0:03:09.530 --> 0:03:12.450 I laughed it off. I went on Instagram stories and 0:03:12.510 --> 0:03:15.540 I reintroduced myself as Stephen. And then I kind of 0:03:15.560 --> 0:03:18.320 carried on with my life. So I thought I handled 0:03:18.340 --> 0:03:22.940 that pretty well. But over the years, I received many 0:03:22.980 --> 0:03:26.120 other DMs, not the same kind of scope as Dog 0:03:26.160 --> 0:03:28.910 Mom Forever, but one saying, Steph, you need to start 0:03:28.930 --> 0:03:29.570 a podcast. 0:03:29.590 --> 0:03:33.210 I would love to listen to it. And did I 0:03:33.250 --> 0:03:35.030 do it? No. I spent years. 0:03:35.930 --> 0:03:40.640 wanting to start a podcast, but I didn't. So somehow 0:03:40.900 --> 0:03:44.380 I allowed a lady whose profile picture was a French bulldog, 0:03:44.540 --> 0:03:47.700 which is, yeah, super cute, to dictate my career decisions 0:03:47.780 --> 0:03:50.940 for me. And instead of listening to my community and 0:03:50.960 --> 0:03:54.230 more importantly, what I wanted, I decided to hand that 0:03:54.270 --> 0:03:55.250 power over to this. 0:03:55.230 --> 0:03:58.190 Random woman on the internet. And I realized two things. 0:03:58.950 --> 0:04:00.130 I love to yap, clearly. 0:04:01.040 --> 0:04:04.540 And that DM was a reason that I didn't go 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:06.730 and act on doing the thing that I wanted to do. 0:04:07.910 --> 0:04:11.530 I held myself back because subconsciously, even if I wasn't 0:04:11.590 --> 0:04:14.250 completely aware of it, I thought to myself, I don't 0:04:14.270 --> 0:04:17.810 have the voice to do a podcast. Hi, I'm Steph 0:04:18.050 --> 0:04:19.250 and I take things personally. 0:04:19.610 --> 0:04:20.360 Not all the time. 0:04:20.380 --> 0:04:23.789 And a lot of the time, Maybe something is directed 0:04:23.820 --> 0:04:25.670 at me and it can go over my head because 0:04:25.910 --> 0:04:29.270 I can be a bit oblivious at times, but I'm human. 0:04:29.790 --> 0:04:32.190 And as much as we'd like to think we don't 0:04:32.230 --> 0:04:35.450 let what people say affect us, it does because we're 0:04:35.470 --> 0:04:37.729 human and it's how we're made. It's how we're made up. 0:04:38.470 --> 0:04:40.250 Whether you like to think it affects you or not 0:04:41.310 --> 0:04:44.679 is one thing. But when you think about day-to-day life 0:04:44.960 --> 0:04:47.440 and things that can come up, even if it's not 0:04:47.480 --> 0:04:48.240 something that you. 0:04:49.210 --> 0:04:50.530 maybe verbally react to. 0:04:50.710 --> 0:04:53.290 It could just be, you know, for me, it could 0:04:53.330 --> 0:04:56.550 be someone replies to my text message with, okay, with 0:04:56.589 --> 0:04:59.270 a full stop. Suddenly they hate me and they wish 0:04:59.310 --> 0:05:02.710 I was never born. Or maybe I'm at the checkout 0:05:02.730 --> 0:05:04.490 line at Woolworths and the lady gives me a half 0:05:04.550 --> 0:05:07.210 smile and I suddenly think that maybe she doesn't like me. 0:05:08.390 --> 0:05:11.930 And your friend seems a little bit off, but she's 0:05:12.210 --> 0:05:15.250 usually just having a bad time. But we worry that 0:05:15.270 --> 0:05:19.080 we've said something or done something. Now, as I've gotten older, 0:05:19.120 --> 0:05:22.290 this has definitely gotten much better. We learn that sometimes, 0:05:22.430 --> 0:05:24.530 you know, we think things are a fire, but it's 0:05:24.570 --> 0:05:27.190 actually a mirage that looks like a fire and it's 0:05:27.890 --> 0:05:29.870 really just someone having a hard time and having a 0:05:29.890 --> 0:05:32.830 bad day. And it has nothing to do with you. 0:05:34.430 --> 0:05:38.130 But I'm human and I can still take things personally. Now, 0:05:38.190 --> 0:05:42.960 we've all heard this advice before a million times. I hear, Steph, 0:05:43.040 --> 0:05:46.020 just don't worry what other people think. Don't care about 0:05:46.040 --> 0:05:48.850 what they think of you. And then we see things 0:05:48.890 --> 0:05:51.050 like the let them theory from Mel Robbins. And I 0:05:51.089 --> 0:05:52.830 love Mel, don't get me wrong. And I love the 0:05:52.910 --> 0:05:57.390 idea of this, of just letting people assume things, let people, 0:05:57.610 --> 0:06:00.300 you know, have their opinions and not let it affect you. 0:06:01.770 --> 0:06:05.060 But how do you actually let them when you still care? 0:06:05.940 --> 0:06:09.860 When you do care about, you know, you have feelings 0:06:10.000 --> 0:06:13.160 and you might feel like, you know, like I know 0:06:13.540 --> 0:06:16.580 I am a sensitive person, which I don't think is 0:06:16.620 --> 0:06:21.299 a bad thing. I love really hard and I'm passionate 0:06:21.360 --> 0:06:25.540 as well. Caring what other people think isn't a flaw. 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:29.270 It's actually part of our DNA, which I will touch 0:06:29.330 --> 0:06:31.370 on later. But it's so deeply ingrained in who we 0:06:31.510 --> 0:06:35.110 are that instead of us thinking that maybe I shouldn't 0:06:35.150 --> 0:06:37.359 be so sensitive or maybe I shouldn't think into things 0:06:37.390 --> 0:06:39.640 too much, maybe just kind of see it for what 0:06:39.680 --> 0:06:43.630 it is. You know, our brains crave belonging and that 0:06:43.690 --> 0:06:46.529 community for a very, very good reason that goes so 0:06:46.589 --> 0:06:51.100 way back that you couldn't even imagine. And I thought 0:06:51.130 --> 0:06:53.840 the goal was to eventually become someone that just didn't 0:06:53.880 --> 0:06:57.419 give a shit anymore. And I think, again, with life experience, 0:06:57.620 --> 0:07:00.339 like especially with me being online, which I'll get into, 0:07:01.000 --> 0:07:03.020 and I'm about to share some very, very real stories, 0:07:03.320 --> 0:07:07.240 but it helps you gain perspective. it really, really does. 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:10.020 But it doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring completely. 0:07:10.160 --> 0:07:13.840 And I think us, like, you know, the let them theory, 0:07:14.140 --> 0:07:15.730 which again, if you guys haven't heard of that, it's 0:07:16.090 --> 0:07:19.730 basically the notion of just let people, you know, think 0:07:19.770 --> 0:07:21.990 what they want, let them just assume things, let them 0:07:22.050 --> 0:07:25.090 have their opinions, which again is such a great thing, 0:07:25.250 --> 0:07:29.310 but we do care. And I think trying to force 0:07:29.350 --> 0:07:32.710 ourselves to act like we don't is not really realistic. 0:07:32.810 --> 0:07:36.980 So I don't believe the goal is to act like 0:07:37.020 --> 0:07:39.220 we don't give a shit anymore or not to care anymore. 0:07:40.500 --> 0:07:42.230 And if I'm being honest, you're always going to care 0:07:42.260 --> 0:07:44.950 what people think. Of course you are. You're a human being. 0:07:45.690 --> 0:07:49.470 We're social creatures and other people's reactions do matter to us. 0:07:49.550 --> 0:07:52.810 That's how we connect to one another. That's how we 0:07:52.990 --> 0:07:54.410 can be considerate. 0:07:53.990 --> 0:07:54.610 Of other people. 0:07:54.630 --> 0:07:56.860 If someone's having a rough day, maybe you won't bring 0:07:56.920 --> 0:07:58.500 up a certain conversation if you know it's a bit 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:01.820 too heavy for them. And for some of us, rejection 0:08:01.860 --> 0:08:06.580 and criticism can hit heavier. There's things like rejection sensitivity 0:08:06.740 --> 0:08:10.780 disorder and things that are linked to ADHD. But I 0:08:10.840 --> 0:08:15.020 think to stop caring what people think is, again, it's 0:08:15.060 --> 0:08:17.580 the wrong goal. The question was never, how do I 0:08:17.620 --> 0:08:21.860 stop caring? The question is, whose words deserve to carry weight? 0:08:22.200 --> 0:08:25.420 Because not everybody's words should carry the same amount of 0:08:25.460 --> 0:08:28.840 weight and should impact you the same. You shouldn't listen 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:32.020 to everybody that has an opinion. We know this very much. 0:08:33.260 --> 0:08:35.680 The opinion of somebody who knows you, loves you and 0:08:35.740 --> 0:08:40.160 understands your life and your situation should not carry the 0:08:40.220 --> 0:08:43.080 same weight as somebody who's seen 30 seconds of your 0:08:43.120 --> 0:08:46.990 life online or someone that, you know, a colleague or 0:08:47.030 --> 0:08:50.410 someone you just, you barely know. And there is a 0:08:50.429 --> 0:08:53.890 huge difference between someone's words hurting you and deciding those 0:08:53.970 --> 0:08:57.790 words mean something about who you are. And that is 0:08:57.830 --> 0:09:01.270 a big one for me. it's true you can't always 0:09:01.570 --> 0:09:04.470 control what people say. And I'll even go as far 0:09:04.510 --> 0:09:07.740 to say you can't always control how it's going to 0:09:07.790 --> 0:09:10.780 land with you because we just, you know, we have emotions. 0:09:10.920 --> 0:09:13.960 And some days, especially if you're a woman and you're 0:09:13.980 --> 0:09:17.099 in your luteal phase, some days they land harder than others. 0:09:18.260 --> 0:09:21.730 But you can get better at deciding how much weight 0:09:21.830 --> 0:09:24.469 and time you give those opinions and words. 0:09:25.850 --> 0:09:29.110 Now, This episode is for you if you've. 0:09:29.210 --> 0:09:33.620 Questioned yourself and thought, I ruminate on interactions too much 0:09:33.720 --> 0:09:37.520 or I'm just too sensitive. If you've ever found yourself, 0:09:37.980 --> 0:09:40.800 you know, second guessing if someone actually likes you or, 0:09:41.590 --> 0:09:43.949 you know, there's a passive aggressive remark and you spend 0:09:43.970 --> 0:09:47.030 the rest of your day thinking about it. I know 0:09:47.050 --> 0:09:49.429 we all know these situations where maybe you've gone to 0:09:49.450 --> 0:09:52.270 school pickup and the other mother that walks past you 0:09:52.390 --> 0:09:55.730 doesn't acknowledge you. And you assume, okay, maybe she hates 0:09:55.760 --> 0:09:58.230 my guts. But actually, she's just busy with her son. 0:09:59.150 --> 0:09:59.630 We all. 0:10:00.429 --> 0:10:03.030 all can feel energy. There could be a little shift 0:10:03.070 --> 0:10:05.950 in tone in someone's text messages and we worry. Maybe 0:10:05.970 --> 0:10:08.250 your boss says, hey, can we have a chat? And 0:10:08.290 --> 0:10:11.699 you straightaway assume that you're about to get fired. It's 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:14.059 like even when I'm driving on the road and there's 0:10:14.080 --> 0:10:15.780 a cop car, I'm like, I'm in trouble. 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:16.680 I've done something wrong. 0:10:17.059 --> 0:10:19.040 Or you go through security at the airport and you're like, yep, 0:10:19.600 --> 0:10:21.260 they're going to bust me for absolutely nothing. 0:10:22.720 --> 0:10:23.740 Now, before I get. 0:10:23.660 --> 0:10:27.640 Into it, I know it's probably easy to sit there 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:30.819 and think, okay, Steph, well, clearly you don't care too 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:32.839 much about what people think because you have a podcast, 0:10:32.860 --> 0:10:35.950 you're online, you do all the things. But I can't 0:10:35.990 --> 0:10:39.710 stress this enough that as a child, I was basically mute. 0:10:39.730 --> 0:10:42.390 I was so, so shy. I didn't have barely any 0:10:42.429 --> 0:10:45.850 self-belief and I didn't have a voice. So I think 0:10:45.890 --> 0:10:48.550 that's why for me, I do have a big passion 0:10:48.670 --> 0:10:53.050 and I am a big believer of doing things scared and, you. 0:10:53.010 --> 0:10:54.290 Know, speaking in front of people. 0:10:54.470 --> 0:10:56.910 And again, I actually, cause I forgot to even tell you, 0:10:56.980 --> 0:10:59.640 I spoke at Google a couple of days ago. That's 0:10:59.740 --> 0:11:03.160 a key example. Like I always get imposter syndrome. I 0:11:03.220 --> 0:11:06.679 don't feel like I should be there, but every time 0:11:06.720 --> 0:11:09.650 I do it, I prove to myself that that narrative 0:11:09.750 --> 0:11:11.929 that I tell myself that I'm not good enough or 0:11:11.970 --> 0:11:14.950 I shouldn't be doing the things I prove that is incorrect. 0:11:15.830 --> 0:11:18.750 And yeah, sure, I've grown a thicker skin, but I still, 0:11:18.830 --> 0:11:21.929 I care. I care deeply about people and it's just 0:11:21.970 --> 0:11:24.710 who I am. And, you know, when I first started 0:11:24.750 --> 0:11:28.990 sharing online, so this was 10 years ago, I did blogging. 0:11:29.010 --> 0:11:30.870 I had my Instagram account, you know. 0:11:30.990 --> 0:11:33.340 And, you know, there was comments, like someone would comment 0:11:33.420 --> 0:11:36.260 ugly under a Kmart haul. And I'd like to believe 0:11:36.380 --> 0:11:38.480 and tell myself it was actually the $ 5 vase they 0:11:38.500 --> 0:11:41.300 were talking about, which probably was a fair comment at 0:11:41.340 --> 0:11:45.000 the time. But I have had my fair share of 0:11:45.580 --> 0:11:50.980 trolling and negative comments. But then one day, this was 0:11:51.760 --> 0:11:54.100 probably a couple of years after I got that dog 0:11:54.140 --> 0:12:00.080 mom forever comment, I received another Instagram message, which is lovely. 0:12:00.280 --> 0:12:01.640 And it just had a link and it said, have 0:12:01.660 --> 0:12:04.780 you seen this? Anyway, I clicked on the link and 0:12:04.820 --> 0:12:07.359 it took me to this forum. And I had never 0:12:07.460 --> 0:12:10.280 seen this space of the internet before, nor should I 0:12:10.320 --> 0:12:10.580 ever have. 0:12:11.300 --> 0:12:12.490 Want to go in there again. 0:12:12.800 --> 0:12:15.250 But this was in the dark corners of the web 0:12:15.290 --> 0:12:18.870 and it was a troll forum. So basically there's forums 0:12:18.929 --> 0:12:22.230 out there where they literally just discuss people online, they 0:12:22.270 --> 0:12:25.720 discuss celebrities, they discuss whoever kind of puts themselves out 0:12:25.760 --> 0:12:28.620 there for the world. And they comment on everything from 0:12:28.660 --> 0:12:32.380 their family, their kids, their looks, you know, just things 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:35.150 that you just wouldn't think to say. These people were 0:12:35.190 --> 0:12:38.880 saying it. Anyways, I found my own little dedicated forum 0:12:39.140 --> 0:12:42.080 where they referred to me as Just Another Mummy Flog. 0:12:43.500 --> 0:12:46.189 If you guys remember, my page used to be called 0:12:46.230 --> 0:12:49.930 Just Another Mummy Blog. I kind of thought Ryan's version 0:12:49.950 --> 0:12:53.350 of this, which was Just Another Mummy Bog, was funnier. 0:12:53.410 --> 0:12:56.030 But what would I know? I'm not a troll. And 0:12:56.330 --> 0:12:57.220 I began reading. 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:00.140 And I just remember it felt like the floor just 0:13:00.179 --> 0:13:04.780 swallowed me whole. There was comments about my house, my body, 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:09.219 my face. my kids, just everything under the sun. And 0:13:09.580 --> 0:13:13.470 then it was just so frustrating because I'm someone that 0:13:13.510 --> 0:13:16.390 I just so desperately, I don't know if it's like 0:13:16.870 --> 0:13:19.430 a bit of my autistic trait on me or something. Sorry. 0:13:19.850 --> 0:13:21.470 I don't know if it's a little bit because I 0:13:21.990 --> 0:13:25.030 do have autism as well. But for me, if someone 0:13:25.050 --> 0:13:28.800 misunderstands me, I very much so want to just get 0:13:28.860 --> 0:13:32.980 a PowerPoint presentation out and show them like that's not 0:13:33.040 --> 0:13:35.420 correct and this is actually like who I am and 0:13:35.460 --> 0:13:38.679 things like that. So to read this about me was 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:43.150 rough and it was the most horrible, nasty things. And 0:13:43.410 --> 0:13:45.410 I spent, I can't even tell you how long I 0:13:45.450 --> 0:13:47.330 spent on this. And Harper was little at the time, 0:13:47.350 --> 0:13:49.189 you know. 0:13:49.570 --> 0:13:50.270 And you know what I did? 0:13:50.290 --> 0:13:53.209 I kept scrolling and I kept reading and I kept 0:13:53.250 --> 0:13:56.550 going deeper and deeper. After a while, I opened up, 0:13:57.370 --> 0:13:59.310 you know, obviously told Ryan and I opened up to 0:13:59.350 --> 0:14:04.150 some friends who, couples simply said, well, just don't look 0:14:04.210 --> 0:14:04.349 at it. 0:14:05.190 --> 0:14:07.330 And to those people... It's. 0:14:07.250 --> 0:14:11.200 Kind of like saying, okay, across the road from your 0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:14.280 house is a giant billboard. And on that billboard is 0:14:14.780 --> 0:14:18.180 one sentence about you that isn't nice. 0:14:18.540 --> 0:14:20.370 And every single day that sentence changes. 0:14:21.000 --> 0:14:23.030 Do you think you could actually leave your house and 0:14:23.070 --> 0:14:25.510 go out the front door and not glance across the 0:14:25.570 --> 0:14:27.850 road and look at the billboard and what it says? 0:14:29.450 --> 0:14:31.030 We're humans. This is what we do. 0:14:31.130 --> 0:14:33.070 And knowing that it was there on the internet, I 0:14:33.150 --> 0:14:35.900 don't genuinely felt like I was walking around with the 0:14:35.960 --> 0:14:38.920 words plastered across my head. You know, calling me bogan, 0:14:38.940 --> 0:14:41.320 which I am a bogan, that's fine. I actually embrace that. 0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:44.040 I'm happy to be a bogan. But there's so many 0:14:44.100 --> 0:14:47.180 other nasty things that you just, I could never dream 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:50.060 of saying that about another person, even someone who has 0:14:50.100 --> 0:14:52.840 done the wrong thing by me. And the thing is, 0:14:53.020 --> 0:14:57.360 I knew that what they said was obviously not true. 0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:00.820 I also knew that they didn't know me. They only 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:06.240 were assuming things based off what they saw online. And logically, 0:15:06.300 --> 0:15:11.770 I knew all that, but it still hurt. And I 0:15:11.810 --> 0:15:16.570 can't switch that off. But looking back, the real damage 0:15:16.630 --> 0:15:20.310 wasn't just the comments. It was how I began to 0:15:20.430 --> 0:15:23.640 edit myself after reading them. 0:15:23.660 --> 0:15:26.920 I would go on these forums most days. 0:15:27.720 --> 0:15:30.320 I wish I could Didn't, but I did. I just couldn't, 0:15:30.600 --> 0:15:32.860 I felt like I had to see what they were saying. 0:15:33.580 --> 0:15:36.380 And slowly over time, I began to edit myself and 0:15:36.420 --> 0:15:41.210 how I showed up. I started showing up safer. Anything 0:15:41.250 --> 0:15:43.870 I went to say or do, I would think, okay, 0:15:43.910 --> 0:15:46.190 what would they say to this? Because I just so 0:15:46.250 --> 0:15:49.650 desperately wanted to be understood. And I did, I felt like, 0:15:50.790 --> 0:15:55.810 does everyone think this? I started questioning everything. I just 0:15:55.850 --> 0:15:58.130 became a very much a watered down version of myself. 0:15:58.980 --> 0:16:00.840 And the thing is, you don't need an internet forum 0:16:00.960 --> 0:16:03.140 full of trolls to relate to this. It could be 0:16:03.180 --> 0:16:06.140 a group of friends that you know that you subtly 0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:08.380 change yourself for so you can fit in more. 0:16:08.720 --> 0:16:12.370 So maybe they'll accept you. It could be, you know, and. 0:16:12.330 --> 0:16:14.470 We do like in life, the way we show up 0:16:14.510 --> 0:16:17.530 in different areas, we do play a bit of a role. 0:16:17.870 --> 0:16:20.390 Think about how you show up at work versus with 0:16:20.430 --> 0:16:23.670 your family or how you show up around your in-laws. 0:16:23.290 --> 0:16:26.300 Versus your friends. We do alter relationships. 0:16:27.080 --> 0:16:31.020 Our personality into that role. But when you start letting 0:16:31.210 --> 0:16:34.570 what other people say to you or about you change 0:16:34.610 --> 0:16:37.230 who you are and how you show up, that's the 0:16:37.270 --> 0:16:38.290 real danger in this. 0:16:38.870 --> 0:16:39.870 And that's so sad. 0:16:39.990 --> 0:16:42.790 So suddenly, you know, I started my blog and everything 0:16:42.910 --> 0:16:47.030 so long ago to be honest and real because I 0:16:47.080 --> 0:16:48.820 was a new mom and I had postnatal depression and 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:51.220 I wanted people to be able to relate to me. 0:16:51.240 --> 0:16:55.870 And then suddenly I'm showing up safer and, you know, not.... 0:16:57.050 --> 0:16:59.030 Just being authentic in myself. 0:16:59.570 --> 0:17:01.450 And I write about all of this in my book, 0:17:02.030 --> 0:17:04.510 very much a lot more deeper than this, but I 0:17:04.530 --> 0:17:06.359 write about it in my book, Mastering My Messy Life, 0:17:08.119 --> 0:17:10.200 which I do narrate on Spotify as well. 0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:11.660 Just a little shameless plug. 0:17:13.700 --> 0:17:16.879 And when you think about editing yourself to fit in, 0:17:17.020 --> 0:17:20.109 you really do think back to your teenage years. But 0:17:20.130 --> 0:17:22.770 I'm sorry to say it doesn't end there. And we 0:17:22.790 --> 0:17:25.600 don't even realize it half the time. Someone tells you 0:17:25.619 --> 0:17:27.720 that you're too much, so you become quieter. Someone tells 0:17:27.740 --> 0:17:30.439 you you're needy, so you are determined to show that 0:17:30.460 --> 0:17:33.900 you don't need anybody. Someone says something about your body 0:17:33.940 --> 0:17:36.260 or comments on how you look, and 20 years later, 0:17:36.280 --> 0:17:39.260 you're still dressing and editing how you look, so you 0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:41.619 don't have to hear that again. You're carrying that around 0:17:41.640 --> 0:17:45.639 with you. And instead of me asking whether there was 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:47.700 any truth to any of it, which I knew there wasn't, 0:17:48.859 --> 0:17:51.560 I started to reshape myself and change who I was. 0:17:52.680 --> 0:17:55.620 And that's the thing is that someone's opinion can hurt you. 0:17:55.780 --> 0:17:59.180 But if you let that thing that hurt you change 0:17:59.580 --> 0:18:01.280 everything about you and the way you shop and live 0:18:01.300 --> 0:18:06.300 your life, you know, that's you giving these people like 0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:09.720 their words weight that they didn't earn. They didn't earn 0:18:09.770 --> 0:18:14.850 that weight through their words. So why do these shitty 0:18:14.869 --> 0:18:18.870 comments stick with us so much? And why do we 0:18:18.910 --> 0:18:21.990 struggle with this as humans? And this is what really 0:18:22.030 --> 0:18:24.619 helped me Because I thought I just had to harden 0:18:24.640 --> 0:18:27.600 the fuck up. But there was a study done at 0:18:27.840 --> 0:18:31.040 UCLA in 2003 where people were put in a brain 0:18:31.080 --> 0:18:35.040 scanner and played this virtual ball tossing game. At some point, 0:18:35.080 --> 0:18:37.710 the other players basically stopped throwing the ball to them. 0:18:38.310 --> 0:18:39.850 So they were deliberately excluded. 0:18:40.570 --> 0:18:44.149 And the researchers found activity in brain areas involved in 0:18:44.170 --> 0:18:47.390 the distressing side of physical pain. So the same areas 0:18:47.430 --> 0:18:49.669 of our brain that lights up when we're in physical 0:18:49.730 --> 0:18:54.190 pain also lights up when we are feeling excluded and 0:18:54.270 --> 0:18:58.010 these social situations happen. Now, not saying that leaving you 0:18:58.090 --> 0:19:01.150 out is the same pain as breaking your leg, but 0:19:01.470 --> 0:19:04.260 besides the painful act, there is actually deeper reasons why 0:19:04.280 --> 0:19:09.419 rejection can feel so bloody uncomfortable, which I experienced heavily 0:19:09.500 --> 0:19:15.140 thanks to this forum. I spent years living like this, 0:19:15.520 --> 0:19:17.439 checking the forum every day. Every day I'd wake up 0:19:18.080 --> 0:19:21.030 and I felt like I had something sitting on my 0:19:21.090 --> 0:19:24.210 chest until I could see what they were saying. And 0:19:24.250 --> 0:19:27.530 it's so sad because I think back to if this 0:19:27.550 --> 0:19:31.800 was happening to my daughters. And the thing is, we 0:19:32.160 --> 0:19:36.060 would say to them, just don't care, don't worry about it. 0:19:36.080 --> 0:19:38.379 But the thing is, again, we're human, of course we care. 0:19:38.840 --> 0:19:40.680 And I think that's just not realistic and we need 0:19:40.700 --> 0:19:43.129 to change a bit of the advice we're giving to 0:19:43.170 --> 0:19:46.169 people around this because I know firsthand how much it sucks. 0:19:47.050 --> 0:19:50.660 There's a beautiful lady who also had a blog and 0:19:50.980 --> 0:19:52.919 I remember telling her about it. And she was one 0:19:52.940 --> 0:19:54.740 of the people that said, just don't look at it, Steph. 0:19:54.859 --> 0:19:56.600 And I don't know why you put yourself through this. 0:19:57.600 --> 0:20:00.770 And then sadly, which obviously I hated for her, I 0:20:01.830 --> 0:20:04.149 think it was like a year later, they started commenting 0:20:04.190 --> 0:20:06.650 about her. And she came to me and she said, Steph, 0:20:06.710 --> 0:20:07.770 I'm so, so sorry. 0:20:07.790 --> 0:20:07.869 Okay. 0:20:08.940 --> 0:20:11.740 I had no idea it would feel like this. And 0:20:11.760 --> 0:20:14.720 that's the thing is it's so easy to give someone 0:20:14.760 --> 0:20:17.920 advice but unless you're in their shoes and actually are 0:20:17.980 --> 0:20:21.030 in that situation, you don't know what it feels like. 0:20:22.470 --> 0:20:26.050 So after living with this for so long and it 0:20:26.150 --> 0:20:28.590 affecting everything, you know, guys, like I wanted to close 0:20:28.630 --> 0:20:31.130 everything down. I wanted to delete my Instagram. The amount 0:20:31.170 --> 0:20:33.060 of times I wanted to delete everything and Ryan was like, 0:20:33.080 --> 0:20:33.659 don't you dare. 0:20:35.520 --> 0:20:36.100 It was a lot. 0:20:36.240 --> 0:20:39.370