WEBVTT - How to go from DM to dating

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<v Speaker 1>Well, hello there, thank you for joining us today on

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<v Speaker 1>this daily podcast from Body and Soul Got Healthy Ish

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<v Speaker 1>of course, I am the host of Felicity Helly Now.

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<v Speaker 1>It's been five years since the last Body and Soul

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<v Speaker 1>sex survey or Census, so we thought it was due

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<v Speaker 1>time we did another. Our team asked more than two

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<v Speaker 1>thousand Australians between the ages of eighteen and seventy five,

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<v Speaker 1>all sorts of questions about sexual health, wellness, pleasure, dating,

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<v Speaker 1>et cetera, et cetera. We're talking online dating trends today

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<v Speaker 1>and joining me in the studio is Sarah Bosa. She's

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<v Speaker 1>an evidence based dating coach and the founder of the

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<v Speaker 1>dating coaching brand Sideswiped. Now, if you like what you

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<v Speaker 1>hear from Sarah, are listening to Extra Healthy Ish, where

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<v Speaker 1>she tells you how to win at online dating and

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<v Speaker 1>can search for that wherever you get your podcasts Sarah,

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<v Speaker 1>welcome to Healthy Ish, and we have to let our

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<v Speaker 1>listeners know that you have worked across the Body of

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<v Speaker 1>SO brand. Yes, so nice to have you here in

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<v Speaker 1>the chair. Happy to be back. Now we're talking obviously

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<v Speaker 1>about the Body in SOULD twenty twenty four Sex Census

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<v Speaker 1>Talk us through the main ways people meet their partners nowadays.

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<v Speaker 2>So interestingly, a lot of things in dating have changed

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<v Speaker 2>and also a lot of things haven't. So based on

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<v Speaker 2>the survey, the most common way to meet your partner

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<v Speaker 2>is still through family and friends. Next app would be

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<v Speaker 2>work or the office hopefully. Oh interesting, maybe stealing the

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<v Speaker 2>situation there, and also interesting considering the COVID years and

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<v Speaker 2>that we're spending less time in the office. And amazingly,

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<v Speaker 2>the next most popular way is dating apps. Nearly half

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<v Speaker 2>forty three percent of Ozzie's have used dating apps, even

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<v Speaker 2>Ozzie's seventy five plus, which is a stat I love

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<v Speaker 2>to hear.

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<v Speaker 1>My goodness, Oh that is so nice to hear. Heartwarming. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Are are they especially dating apps for that age group?

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<v Speaker 2>For that?

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<v Speaker 1>Do they just use the rest of rest of the bunch?

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<v Speaker 2>I think they just adjust their age filters. Who knows,

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<v Speaker 2>maybe they'll be a Golden Tinder edition.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's just talk about about the fifty percent.

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<v Speaker 1>What was that? I can't remember the actual stat around

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<v Speaker 1>meeting through family and friends. This is very reassuring for

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<v Speaker 1>people who are a single, I think because I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know about you, but often you know I'm obviously married,

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<v Speaker 1>but often my friends who are single, I think I

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<v Speaker 1>can never meet anyone where are your friends? So it's

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<v Speaker 1>up to us to introduce ourselves to People's up to

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<v Speaker 1>us to introduce our friends to our other friends.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh absolutely, I mean there's that classic example of going

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<v Speaker 2>to a wedding and meeting someone. There's so much love

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<v Speaker 2>in the room, and you're all surrounded by friends and family,

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<v Speaker 2>and you're all vetted. I think one big, an amazing

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<v Speaker 2>thing In some ways that dating apps introduced were people

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<v Speaker 2>you had otherwise never cross paths with or would never

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<v Speaker 2>have connected with. But sometimes when you extend things too far,

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<v Speaker 2>you lose that sense of connection and for familiarity and

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<v Speaker 2>you know your friends, you know, knowing who they dated

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<v Speaker 2>in high school and.

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<v Speaker 1>All that sort of stuff. Interestingly, four percent it doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>say much, but I think it's quite a big deal.

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<v Speaker 1>Four percent meet via DM. Talk to us about this.

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<v Speaker 1>How do you go about asking someone out on the DM?

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<v Speaker 1>Shoot your shot?

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<v Speaker 2>I say, I have actually done this all Okay, time

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<v Speaker 2>tell us or first, it actually starts with your feed.

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<v Speaker 2>You need a good single social esthetic, So your first

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<v Speaker 2>six or nine grid posts need to be you living

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<v Speaker 2>your best single life, get every ex partner off your feed,

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<v Speaker 2>because you don't want to make it confusing when someone

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<v Speaker 2>looks at your profile and they try to guess, hang on,

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<v Speaker 2>are they single or not?

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<v Speaker 1>Now I'm very confused.

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<v Speaker 2>You don't necessarily need to archive or delete your ex's

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<v Speaker 2>but you need to bump them down the grid.

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<v Speaker 1>So you need photos of you in Europe, you like

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<v Speaker 1>clinking glasses, you know, on the beach, somewhere in Australia.

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<v Speaker 1>You just you running whatever is your interest.

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<v Speaker 2>Absolutely you living your best single life, and then comes

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<v Speaker 2>the dam slide.

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<v Speaker 1>There are two main.

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<v Speaker 2>Styles to do this, and I think that the best

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<v Speaker 2>way to get your head around this is think of

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<v Speaker 2>your digital flirting behavior to mimic any of your irl

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<v Speaker 2>flirting behavior. So let's say you're at a bar the

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<v Speaker 2>good old days and you're there to meet someone. You

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<v Speaker 2>can either scan the room clock someone cute, waste no time,

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<v Speaker 2>confidently walk up to them and say how's your night going?

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<v Speaker 2>Or Hey, what's that you're drinking? On Instagram? That would

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<v Speaker 2>translate to a follow and then a dam straight off

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<v Speaker 2>the bat with one or two lines, really direct. There's

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<v Speaker 2>that approach or style.

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<v Speaker 1>Does that work?

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<v Speaker 2>It can again, it's going to be how you present

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<v Speaker 2>yourself on your grid.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, okay, the grid matters.

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<v Speaker 2>The grid matters, and what sort of existing interest is there?

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<v Speaker 2>Style two, which I would recommend a bit more. Let's

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<v Speaker 2>go back to the bar. Metaphorically, you'd scout the room

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<v Speaker 2>for someone cute. Maybe you'd make eye contact, you'd play

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<v Speaker 2>with your hair, you'd sense if there's any connection, any engagement,

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<v Speaker 2>maybe give a cheeky smile. You'd start telling your friends

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<v Speaker 2>you need to move closer. Maybe you do a strategic

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<v Speaker 2>trip to the bar ever those days to check if

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<v Speaker 2>they're looking. It's a dance and there's warm up. So

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<v Speaker 2>the way that that would translate to Instagram is first

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<v Speaker 2>you click follow. Maybe a few days later you like

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<v Speaker 2>one of their Instagram grid pictures. If they're uploading stories,

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<v Speaker 2>maybe intermittently you like one one day, you don't the next,

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<v Speaker 2>and eventually you reply to a story and just gauge

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<v Speaker 2>if there's any connection there. Again, you want to go

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<v Speaker 2>in with something brief, one or two lines, not an

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<v Speaker 2>essay about how much you're obsessed with them. From their

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<v Speaker 2>feet and what a day? Yeah, yeah, I like it.

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<v Speaker 2>Good good advice.

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<v Speaker 1>The DM it's an untapped place today and I have

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<v Speaker 1>a confession to make. Actually, when one of my friends

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<v Speaker 1>breaks up with someone, I always go through their feet

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<v Speaker 1>and see if they have deleted the X. It's just

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<v Speaker 1>a thing I like to do.

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<v Speaker 2>It is now an entirely new predicament that you have

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<v Speaker 2>to think about. I've just broken up with this someone.

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<v Speaker 2>How do I then have to tend to my digital life?

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<v Speaker 1>Yes? I had this years ago.

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<v Speaker 2>It was you know, my DM sorry, my profile picture

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<v Speaker 2>was me and my ex and I knew that my

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<v Speaker 2>birthday was a few months away and in my head

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<v Speaker 2>this was.

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<v Speaker 1>Facebook days yep.

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<v Speaker 2>So it's like people are going to be coming to

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<v Speaker 2>my wall and writing happy birthday on my wall?

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<v Speaker 1>And what do I do about the photo? Yes? Did

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<v Speaker 1>you change it? A few days before? I did change it.

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<v Speaker 1>I like it.

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<v Speaker 2>But it's also part of the you know, the healing process.

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<v Speaker 2>You have to let go of those digital momentos.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and then block that person so you never definitely,

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<v Speaker 1>well if it hasn't been a happy ending. Now. There

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<v Speaker 1>was another stat that I thought was really interesting and

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<v Speaker 1>well perhaps concerning one in three Aussies feel online dating

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<v Speaker 1>is unsafe. Talk to us about this.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so the survey did show that seventy three percent

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<v Speaker 2>of Aussies think users aren't necessarily being honest about who

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<v Speaker 2>they are or what their intentions are. For example, people

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<v Speaker 2>might pose as single but realistically be in relationships. Just

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<v Speaker 2>under half of aussi's are also worried about being scammed

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<v Speaker 2>for money, which is a shame. There was also a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of recognition in the survey about how dating apps

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<v Speaker 2>do put you in more control. You can date on

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<v Speaker 2>your own terms, at home, even in your pajamas, which

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<v Speaker 2>is amazing, all of that before meeting in person once

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<v Speaker 2>you do feel ready.

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<v Speaker 1>So how can we feel safe for anyone?

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<v Speaker 2>Who?

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<v Speaker 1>I mean? We all read the headlines, don't we about

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<v Speaker 1>the scammers and turning up to locations and being met

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<v Speaker 1>with not who you think you're going to be met with.

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<v Speaker 1>How can we feel safe when we date online?

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<v Speaker 2>So the apps do want you to connect in a

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<v Speaker 2>safe and fun way and they are constantly adding safety features.

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<v Speaker 2>So from the survey, Tinder is the most popular dating

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<v Speaker 2>app to meet your partner. Recently, they've introduced ID and

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<v Speaker 2>photo and ID verification, so basically you scan your driver's

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<v Speaker 2>license or your passport and once that's verified, you get

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<v Speaker 2>a little blue tick on your profile. Once you've gone

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<v Speaker 2>through that process, you can then nominate to only see

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<v Speaker 2>other users who've done the same, so instantly you feel

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<v Speaker 2>so much more reassured about what's Seventy three percent of

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<v Speaker 2>Aussies are worried about that. You know who you're connecting

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<v Speaker 2>with is who they are. You can also there are

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<v Speaker 2>amazing features to block and report people if you feel unsafe.

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<v Speaker 2>You can block existing contacts in your phone so that

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<v Speaker 2>you're not seeing your ex's or your bosses, and you

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<v Speaker 2>can stay in the app for as long as possible

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<v Speaker 2>because you can both chat and video call through the app.

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<v Speaker 2>You can also on Tinder share your date plans with

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<v Speaker 2>your friends and family so they know the name of

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<v Speaker 2>your match, where you're meeting, and what time and they

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<v Speaker 2>can check up on you.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's really important, isn't it. Tell your friends, share

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<v Speaker 1>the share the info, and hopefully you have a good date. Sarah,

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<v Speaker 1>thank you for coming on, help you shank you friends.

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<v Speaker 1>If you want more tidbits about online dating or anything

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<v Speaker 1>else related to our sex census, I will leave a

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<v Speaker 1>link to it in the show notes. If you enjoyed

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<v Speaker 1>this chat, tell us rate and review this episode. It

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<v Speaker 1>was a bit different for us. I know we'll subscribe

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<v Speaker 1>to this podcast. Anything else, head to body and sooul

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<v Speaker 1>dot com dot you follows on socials grob Our print

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<v Speaker 1>edition which is out in your local Sunday paper and

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<v Speaker 1>until tomorrow, Stay healthy,