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Speaker 1: The city and with her with Kate Ritchie podcast.

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Speaker 2: We love getting this man in.

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Speaker 3: He's a pediatrician with over eighteen years experience in working

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Speaker 3: with children in a number of settings. He's got a

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Speaker 3: great podcast called Pop Culture Parenting it Doctor Billy Garvey,

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Speaker 3: Bill Well, doctor who thank you.

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Speaker 4: We couldn't get enough of you last time he came

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Speaker 4: in Doctor Billy, and neither got our listeners. So thirteen

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Speaker 4: twenty four to ten, if we've got a question for

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Speaker 4: doctor Billy Garvey this morning.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, so so such a pleasure to have you in here.

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Speaker 5: And I have to say I am listening to Pop

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Speaker 5: Culture Parenting and I got involved after we had you

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Speaker 5: in here last time because what I love about you

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Speaker 5: is that you're really down to earth. You've lived a life,

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Speaker 5: and I'm sure that actually is appealing to people that

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Speaker 5: have the privilege of being able to see you because

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Speaker 5: you're you know, you're not a just you're not a

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Speaker 5: doctor telling them what to do.

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Speaker 1: You've you've lived.

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Speaker 5: Quite possibly some of the experiences that they are there

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Speaker 5: seeking helpful. But the podcast I've been listening to at

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Speaker 5: the moment, it's over the two EPs. It's the most

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Speaker 5: recent you've done. I think, and it's about developmental trauma,

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Speaker 5: so it's full on.

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Speaker 2: But what's great and.

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Speaker 5: If you haven't heard the podcast, the pop culture part

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Speaker 5: comes from you drawing on great classic films, you know,

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Speaker 5: and how to and using them as an example of

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Speaker 5: perhaps arrested development or you know, like pa prepare, parenting

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Speaker 5: fails and that kind of thing. Developmental trauma you've been

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Speaker 5: talking about Batman begins and I love the way you

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Speaker 5: paint Batman because of course we're sat down in front

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Speaker 5: of the telly as a kid or even as an adult,

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Speaker 5: and we think Batman.

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Speaker 2: He's such a hero.

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Speaker 5: Can you tell us just just so we get a

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Speaker 5: gauge of what the podcast is, Like, what's your take

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Speaker 5: on Batman?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 6: Well my take you know, a lot of little kids

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Speaker 6: aspire to be Batman, you know, like he's his hero

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Speaker 6: and he's tough and he's you know, he can face anything.

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Speaker 1: But in reality, he's.

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Speaker 6: A little boy that lost both of his parents at

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Speaker 6: a young age and he's just trapped in that childhood trauma.

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Speaker 6: And we know that childhood trauma at any stage really

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Speaker 6: just pauses development. So what means is he stuck as

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Speaker 6: this scared, terrified little kid just hostile, wants to fight everyone, horrible,

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Speaker 6: I doesn't trust anyone. Yeah, so yeah, it's pretty awful.

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Speaker 6: So it kind of takes the aspiration part out of

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Speaker 6: I'd love to be back.

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Speaker 4: You don't think of it like that, do you. No, No,

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Speaker 4: he's got a cape and he's doing all the good things.

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Speaker 2: You just want to give him.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, totally.

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Speaker 5: And you know what, you can be yourself. Stop trying

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Speaker 5: to be Batman, Stop trying to put your suit on. Guys.

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Speaker 5: What's his name, Bruce Wayne. What Batman needs to do

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Speaker 5: is print up a photo of Bruce Wayne as a

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Speaker 5: young child and reflect on it every morning. You make

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Speaker 5: good choices for that child that he once was.

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Speaker 4: I know we touched on it last time, doctor Billy,

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Speaker 4: But talking about that kid and the idea that you know,

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Speaker 4: parents put a lot of pressure on themselves and sometimes

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Speaker 4: you need to be reminded that you, as a parent

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Speaker 4: are enough.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, definitely, And it's it's one of the hard things

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Speaker 6: is that you know, we know a lot of kids.

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Speaker 6: So a lot of kids in Australia and around the

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Speaker 6: world will are suffering from a developmental trauma. I've seen

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Speaker 6: four of them yesterday. That you have waited years to

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Speaker 6: see us and really struggling. But there's all these protective

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Speaker 6: factors and the research shows us that they're really helpful

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Speaker 6: and very quickly, you know, feeling like I have people

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Speaker 6: in my family I can talk to about my feelings,

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Speaker 6: participating in community traditions, having a role in my school community.

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Speaker 6: There's someone in my family that keeps me safe, friends

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Speaker 6: that have a genuine interest in me, and two non

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Speaker 6: parental adults that really care.

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Speaker 4: Interesting one, isn't it?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 6: Which is you know, for three of you are probably

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Speaker 6: that non prenal adult that genuinely cares about a kid

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Speaker 6: in their life. And that's really protective because a lot

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Speaker 6: of people will experience developmental trauma unintentionally so.

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Speaker 5: And sometimes they experience that within the home. I think

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Speaker 5: you've spoken about is it.

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Speaker 1: Howld sold dysfunction?

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Speaker 5: Household dysfunction, And that's just something that maybe cannot even

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Speaker 5: be pinpointed in, you know, in far lesser circumstances, but

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Speaker 5: it's still it's still classified as trauma. You know, we

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Speaker 5: can't bring it being brought up in a house where

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Speaker 5: things aren't as they should be every day.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, so I was brought up by you know, a

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Speaker 6: single mom who had mental illness, a lot of household dysfunction,

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Speaker 6: but the real it is she was doing her best

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Speaker 6: that she could and she'd never been shown any different.

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Speaker 6: We know a lot of families that we've seen in

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Speaker 6: clinic will come in and they'll feel safe enough to

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Speaker 6: talk about that they might be smacking their kids or

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Speaker 6: just telling them it toughen up or whatever, and it

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Speaker 6: gives us an opportunity to say there's a better way

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Speaker 6: because we just we know the biggest indicator of how

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Speaker 6: you parent will be how you were parented. But we

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Speaker 6: can actually change those cycles and you know, try and

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Speaker 6: undo some of the barriers to that connection and responsiveness

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Speaker 6: and predictability that every kid actually needs.

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Speaker 3: Doc As we get older and you know, we've finished

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Speaker 3: school now ourselves, we think as parents that bullying has

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Speaker 3: sort of stopped at schools, but it hasn't. It's terrific

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Speaker 3: and it's you know, for any parent out there that

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Speaker 3: is experiencing bullying with their child at the moment, and

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Speaker 3: you know, there's all these different things that we hear

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Speaker 3: that you know, are going approaching that child that's bullying

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Speaker 3: your child, approaching the parent of that child, having a

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Speaker 3: go at the school telling your child to have a

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Speaker 3: go back. I would love to hear from you, But

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Speaker 3: in this moment, what's the best thing to do with

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Speaker 3: the child that is the subject of constant bullying at school?

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Speaker 6: Yeah, so you need to think about those protective factors.

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Speaker 6: So a lot of the kids that I see in

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Speaker 6: clinic have experienced are experiencing bullies. Sometimes they're the bullies,

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Speaker 6: you know what I mean, They're the kids that are

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Speaker 6: just hostile towards everyone. They're acting out and they're lashing out.

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Speaker 6: And also a lot of bullying is just trying to

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Speaker 6: reinforce the fragility and their own ego.

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Speaker 1: So they're like, I've got big and tough.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, but unless I'm constantly putting people down and pushing

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Speaker 6: them down and reinforcing that thoughts about myself, yep, it

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Speaker 6: doesn't help. So you have to address that. But the kids,

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Speaker 6: you know, thinking about the protective factors of the kids

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Speaker 6: that are being bullied is really important because it's a

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Speaker 6: long time to shift those communities at school. It's really

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Speaker 6: important as a zero tolerance but what most of the

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Speaker 6: evidence shows the schools need to do it proactively. So

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Speaker 6: I go and work and spend a lot of time

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Speaker 6: with schools, and you know, I'm really happy for anyone

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Speaker 6: that reaches out to go and talk to them. You've

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Speaker 6: got to build proactive narratives in your school community. So

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Speaker 6: it's not the post on the wall that says where

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Speaker 6: you don't accept bullying doesn't really help. What helps is

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Speaker 6: if you tell stories and you get people in leadership

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Speaker 6: positions within the school community to stand up in front

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Speaker 6: of the community and say, this is what it felt

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Speaker 6: like when I was bullied, and what it shares that

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Speaker 6: with people, and people who might think it's funny or

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Speaker 6: not realize it's happening, and.

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Speaker 1: Things like that.

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Speaker 6: They go, well, the post didn't really get me, but

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Speaker 6: hearing Samantha talk about it, that's really powerful. And then

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Speaker 6: you build that community proactively and protectively so that when

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Speaker 6: it small blips happen, the whole community calls it out

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Speaker 6: and says we're better than that. Not billy, you're terrible

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Speaker 6: for bullying, but we can actually do better than that.

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Speaker 6: We care about each other and look after each other.

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Speaker 4: Just jumping on that cake with parenting too, I think

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Speaker 4: when you're in a situation, whether your kid's the bully

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Speaker 4: or your kids being bullied, As a parent, you're trying

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Speaker 4: to find the answers and you're constantly scrambling. But I

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Speaker 4: think one of the main things is the kids grow up,

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Speaker 4: is you just hope that that communication is there and

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Speaker 4: the conversation is true and it's open and it's honest

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Speaker 4: and they can share.

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Speaker 6: Definitely a funny story without naming it. Once with someone

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Speaker 6: quite prominent, I was doing some media with them, and

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Speaker 6: before we went on air, they were saying, oh, you.

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Speaker 1: Know, Billy, it's so great to talk to you.

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Speaker 6: You know one time of this great story, and they

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Speaker 6: were like, I told my son he was getting bullied

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Speaker 6: at school, and I sat down and had a frank

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Speaker 6: conversation with him. I was like, this is what you're

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Speaker 6: going to say tomorrow to the bully. You're going to

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Speaker 6: walk in there. You're going to walk up to him,

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Speaker 6: eving though these types of size, and you're going to

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Speaker 6: go bang, bang bang. I don't accept this again. If

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Speaker 6: you do, I'm going to punch in the nose.

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Speaker 1: Blah blah blah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 6: And I'm sitting there going, oh my god, no, And

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Speaker 6: then we like cut to air, we rile, we record

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Speaker 6: some stuff I couldn't get out of my head. And

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Speaker 6: then I just talked to him and he was exploring

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Speaker 6: his parenting and I realized he was able to do

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Speaker 6: that because of what he also does. And he's like,

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Speaker 6: because I was talking about all this stuff I do,

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Speaker 6: and he's like, Billy, every night, I do what you're

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Speaker 6: talking about. I lie down in my bed and I

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Speaker 6: lie next to each of my kids for at least

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Speaker 6: fifteen minutes and we just talk about the day and

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Speaker 6: I just listen and I'm like, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: That's beautiful.

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Speaker 6: That's the power in that guy's parenting. And that's why

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Speaker 6: he almost kind of got away with they just walk

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Speaker 6: up and confront him, because imagine how intimidating that is

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Speaker 6: as a little kid. Is a man, what if I

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Speaker 6: can't but.

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Speaker 5: You wouldn't sleep that night? Whilch is you know ahead

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Speaker 5: of the day of the thing that you have to

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Speaker 5: do the thing that dad said because I have to

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Speaker 5: stand up to the bully. And if I don't stand

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Speaker 5: up to the bully, I'm going to continue being bullied.

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Speaker 5: And I'm also going to let my.

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Speaker 1: Dad down down.

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Speaker 6: Yeah. And you know, going back to Batman, that's that's

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Speaker 6: the false narrative of Batman. It's like you rise up

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Speaker 6: through adversity. But the risk is you rise up dysfunctionally.

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Speaker 6: You're like hostility, like men are hopeless at this, They're like,

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Speaker 6: conflict is how I resolve everything.

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Speaker 2: It's someone me.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go out there and yeah, face up

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Speaker 1: to them.

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Speaker 4: You were going to extend on the bullying.

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Speaker 2: You had a question for doctor Billy.

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Speaker 5: I did I have so many questions on Doctor Billy.

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Speaker 5: I cu't like on air, off air, on the phone

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Speaker 5: in Melbourne and the clinic. You know what I what

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Speaker 5: I was when you were talking about bullying. We often

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Speaker 5: talk about bullying from the I don't know if we

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Speaker 5: call them the bullydom of bullying victim, or you know,

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Speaker 5: my kids being bullied. It's sometimes very hard to stop

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Speaker 5: and consider the bully themselves, especially if your kid is

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Speaker 5: coming home and they don't want to go to school

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Speaker 5: tomorrow because there's a kid bullying them. Let's not forget

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Speaker 5: that there are there are parents probably listening to this now.

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Speaker 5: They are the parents of the bully, and that can

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Speaker 5: also be incredibly hard. And the bully. I'm not saying

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Speaker 5: that bullying is okay by any stretch, and they make

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Speaker 5: the lives hard of lots of other people around them,

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Speaker 5: but the life of the bully. That's not a pleasant

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Speaker 5: place to be either, is it, like you? So, is

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Speaker 5: there any advice for parents who are pulling their hair out?

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Speaker 5: They're getting calls from the school every day, they don't know.

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Speaker 5: Perhaps they're at a loss as to why the child

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Speaker 5: is acting like this. We don't act like this in

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Speaker 5: our home. Why is this happening? Are there any tips

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Speaker 5: around that? You know, you talk a lot about providing

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Speaker 5: safe and predictable kind of environments around everyone, regardless of

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Speaker 5: whether they're being bullied or the bully. But yeah, what

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Speaker 5: are your thoughts on that?

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Speaker 6: Yeah, definitely particular to the bully or any kid that's

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Speaker 6: not doing well in a school environment. We see all

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Speaker 6: behaviors as flares, and what people want to do is

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Speaker 6: often fix the behavior. But there's always a reason for

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Speaker 6: the behavior. And kids who are bullying, we talked about

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Speaker 6: that fragility in their ego, they're more likely to have

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Speaker 6: kind of a learning disability and intellectual problem.

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Speaker 2: And that's how they deal with it.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, that's how they deal with it because a lot

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Speaker 6: of the time you want predictability. So the kid in

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Speaker 6: the class room that you know, he's struggling socially, he

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Speaker 6: goes out in the playground. No I wants to be

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Speaker 6: made to him? If he gets in a fight, Yep,

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Speaker 6: everyone loves him. Well, everyone loves him. But also that

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Speaker 6: anxiety is gone, Like I don't have to sit here

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Speaker 6: and realize no one wants to actually interact with me.

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Speaker 6: I can just realize I get sent to the principles

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Speaker 6: of I'm the tough guy and I'm in trouble and

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Speaker 6: everyone's like laughing at me because I'm the class clown.

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Speaker 6: But he's out of that vulnerable experience of like no

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Speaker 6: one wants to actually be made to him.

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Speaker 2: Well, how do you get through to that kid?

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Speaker 3: Then?

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Speaker 2: Bill? Like, how do you convince that child that make you?

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Speaker 2: How do you convince a young child that.

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Speaker 4: Better to be vulnerable?

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Speaker 5: But I don't know if it's about Is it about convincing?

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Speaker 5: It's actually about, like you said, going to the root

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Speaker 5: of the matter. You can't just tell someone to stop

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Speaker 5: changing any of their behavior because the behavior comes from

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Speaker 5: circumstances or an issue of its own.

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Speaker 3: But if he feels like he's being left out and

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Speaker 3: the only way that he can get attention, he's by

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Speaker 3: bullying and doing something to a child. How can you

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Speaker 3: convince that child that when you're in that situation, you

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Speaker 3: feel like I'm getting attention here? What do you do

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Speaker 3: in that situation?

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Speaker 6: Yeah, I earn his trust and I build a relationship

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Speaker 6: with him. And so in clinic, I sit there and

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Speaker 6: I meet a lot of these kids and the parents

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Speaker 6: waited two years. They sit down and they go, Billy's terribly.

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Speaker 6: He doesn't listen to us. He gets kicked out of

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Speaker 6: school every day, he's got no mates, and we just

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Speaker 6: can't stand him. And the kid just sits there, and

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Speaker 6: I'm always baffled, going, how is this kid okay? Hearing

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Speaker 6: this stuff? But I have to give that space for

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Speaker 6: the parent because the parent needs to tell that story

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Speaker 6: and all that stuff. But then I slowly connect with

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Speaker 6: that killed and build the narrative. And two things that

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Speaker 6: I often teach, like we train all the fellows in

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Speaker 6: developmental peds, I often teach them, you know, ask what

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Speaker 6: do you enjoy and what do you think you're good ash?

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Speaker 6: And those are two very different things to all the

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Speaker 6: stuff you're bad asses, all the stuff you're failing ass.

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Speaker 6: And they sit there and there's a lot of kids

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Speaker 6: that can't give an answer to either of those questions

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Speaker 6: because they're just used to being the bad kid.

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Speaker 1: But every kid I've ever worked.

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Speaker 6: With, I've found an answer to those questions, and I'm

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Speaker 6: a tiny part of their lives. Teachers are the ones

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Speaker 6: that are actually guiding them, you know. So I just

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Speaker 6: I think that's a really important shift to say, like

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Speaker 6: every kid should feel like they're it's something you know,

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Speaker 6: and a lot of kids it's not going to be

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Speaker 6: the school. It's going to be the footy ground. It's

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Speaker 6: going to be you know, the scout hall, it's going

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Speaker 6: to be dancing, and they all have to have that

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Speaker 6: constant reiteration of their things. I put effort into that.

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Speaker 6: I see success because a lot of kids it won't

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Speaker 6: be school.

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Speaker 2: Can I You do?

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Speaker 3: You get extremes satisfaction And I just I look at

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Speaker 3: you and I think of Robin Williams in Goodwill Hunting.

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Speaker 2: When there is a when there is.

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Speaker 3: A moment, they be aware there's a media no, But

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Speaker 3: when you get through to a patient. And that's why

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Speaker 3: it's such a beautiful movie that one, because Matt Damon

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Speaker 3: is so difficult, no one can get through to him,

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Speaker 3: and Robin Williams finally does and that moment. Is that

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Speaker 3: something that's extremely powerful for you when you get through

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Speaker 3: to a child and you know that it's working.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely.

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Speaker 6: We've actually done that movie in that scene on the

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Speaker 6: podcast about you know kids, you know bad kids because

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Speaker 6: there aren't bad kids, and that kind of scene.

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Speaker 1: But it's hugely if it's like I, I've worked a

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Speaker 1: lot of different jobs.

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Speaker 6: Like I, you know, we joke about, you know, I

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Speaker 6: grew up in a bit of rough air and drive

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Speaker 6: forkliffs and worked in factories and all that stuff, and

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Speaker 6: I love those jobs. But I now like I get

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Speaker 6: I walk into work every day at one of the

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Speaker 6: biggest kids hospitals in the world, and I just have

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Speaker 6: the privilege of hearing stories that families are not comfortable

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Speaker 6: telling anyone else. And I'm a tiny bit of these kids' life.

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Speaker 6: A teacher will spend more time in a day than

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Speaker 6: I'll spend with these kids in a year, but I

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Speaker 6: get to journey with them, and it's this really beautiful

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Speaker 6: privilege that They'll often come in and someone might be thinking,

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Speaker 6: eyes at autism, is it ADHD? They need medication? And

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Speaker 6: sometimes I have to think about that stuff. But what

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Speaker 6: I'm actually trying to do is change the trajectory of

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Speaker 6: these kids and change their futures. And you know, I

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Speaker 6: was joking to Kate outside of the studio before, I'm

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Speaker 6: kind of spend a lot of time just looking for

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Speaker 6: myself in clinic because you know, and so does this

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Speaker 6: really selfish pursuit. It kind of comes off. I even

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Speaker 6: say that to families. I'm like, no, no, I'm not doing

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Speaker 6: your favor. I'm paid to do this and I love it.

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Speaker 6: It's my job. You're going to actually decide whether I'm

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Speaker 6: actually doing it well or not not.

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Speaker 4: Metoctor beally, is there any place for I mean, on

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Speaker 4: the topic of bullying, is there only place for he

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Speaker 4: hit me, so I'm going to hit him back.

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Speaker 6: There's a place for understanding that response because you're seeing

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Speaker 6: like as the kid whatever age, really like it's you know,

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Speaker 6: it's a really common thing really in two year olds.

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Speaker 6: Like two year olds have got this interesting gap in

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Speaker 6: their development where they have the mobility and the language

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Speaker 6: to influence their environment, but they don't have the ability

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Speaker 6: to go wonder what it's like to be this kid

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Speaker 6: that's mid primary school kids get that. It's called theory

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Speaker 6: of mind. Asking like a kid in grade one to

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Speaker 6: be like, well, what do you think he felt like?

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Speaker 6: You may as well be asking him to play the

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Speaker 6: violin he's ever seen one, So, you know, I think

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Speaker 6: when kids get older, though, and they start developing that understanding. Yeah,

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Speaker 6: I can understand why you feel like that, But how

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Speaker 6: did it feel to be you?

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Speaker 1: You know?

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Speaker 6: And I think you're better than this. I think we're

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Speaker 6: better than this. And we're going to build these skills

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Speaker 6: together because you're a leader, you're a caring person. All

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Speaker 6: that narrative as opposed to stop doing that.

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Speaker 1: It's bad. It just doesn't give kids a pathway to anything.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Sure, this is a full stop dot.

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Speaker 3: We're getting a lot of calls, a lot of calls

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Speaker 3: and people parents that want to talk to you.

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Speaker 2: Can you stick around with us?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely, that'd be great.

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Speaker 2: We'll do that next an.

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Speaker 3: He's hitty, you remember with Kate Ridgie joined this morning

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Speaker 3: by doctor Billy Garvey. His insight into parenting and you know,

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Speaker 3: and dealing with himself, you know, growing up sort of

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Speaker 3: in a rough childhood himself and dealing with children over

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Speaker 3: the years has been This has been amazing and we're

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Speaker 3: getting a lot of calls here from parents that want

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Speaker 3: to get involved, like Anne in Narra been high.

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Speaker 2: Anne, you going goodn You got doctor Billy.

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Speaker 7: Garvey here, Hi, how are you going great?

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Speaker 1: Thanks? Anne?

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Speaker 7: I've got a quick question. I have a level two

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Speaker 7: autistic silence on the spectrum. He's age six, but one

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Speaker 7: of the main points of being diagnosed with autism because

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Speaker 7: I've got a five year old that has exactly the

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Speaker 7: same traits as he did, but she's kind of the

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Speaker 7: complete opposite where he was mellow, he's very hot.

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Speaker 4: What is level to doctor Billy.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, So with autism when we diagnose it, so medical

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Speaker 6: model is very definite based, so trying to work on that.

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Speaker 1: It's a big problem.

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Speaker 6: But it's like yeah, but also like it's all about

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Speaker 6: negative stuff and things that kids can't do or struggle with.

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Speaker 6: So level two autism, when we diagnose autism, there's level one, two,

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Speaker 6: and three, and it depends on how much support you need.

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Speaker 6: Level one is what might have been Asperger's. I don't

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Speaker 6: know if you guys have heard of that term before.

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Speaker 6: That doesn't exist in our medical criteria anymore. So that's

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Speaker 6: really level one, which means kids need a little bit

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Speaker 6: of support, but they're doing okay. The challenge for us

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Speaker 6: is that especially girls will mask a bit and they

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Speaker 6: kind of hide it. They get home and they're really

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Speaker 6: struggling and they kind of erupt because at school they're

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Speaker 6: doing what's called masking. They're realizing that, hey, if I

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Speaker 6: do that thing where everyone thinks I'm weird because I

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Speaker 6: do it, you know, people look at me, so I

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Speaker 6: better not do it. The problem is that's how you

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Speaker 6: alleviate your anxiety. Yes, like stimming is an example that

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Speaker 6: level three is often kids who might be in special

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Speaker 6: development schools, you know, might have difficulties with their verbal,

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Speaker 6: extressive language stuff like that. So the question is a

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Speaker 6: really good one. Siblings are much more likely to meet

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Speaker 6: criteria for a diagnosis of autism. It's about one in

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Speaker 6: sixty just based on population at the moment. Two big

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Speaker 6: things you need to meet criteria for a diagnose of

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Speaker 6: autism social and communication difficulties. So that's like I can't

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Speaker 6: understand Fitzi's facial expressions, nonverbal cues.

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Speaker 1: They really struggle with that stuff.

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Speaker 6: That's why often kids with autism won't look you in

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Speaker 6: the eye for a sustained period because they don't pick

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Speaker 6: up all of the social communication of it. But I

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Speaker 6: can see that fitzis like interacting, engaging, wants me to

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Speaker 6: keep talking because of all the nonverbal stuff he's doing.

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Speaker 6: They really struggle to initiate or maintain friendships. That's another

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Speaker 6: really important part of it, and that's why often they

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Speaker 6: kind of end up doing their own thing. They actually

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Speaker 6: are often very empathetic, but.

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Speaker 1: They really struggle with it.

440
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:46,240
Speaker 6: They get completely overwhelmed with empathy and so they'll avoid

441
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:49,120
Speaker 6: because of that. So that's all the social communication stuff.

442
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:53,359
Speaker 6: Often kids, you know, don't have early language acquisitions. So

443
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,960
Speaker 6: most kids who are two have two words fifty two

444
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,480
Speaker 6: hundred words. They can understand a couple of step instructions.

445
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,560
Speaker 6: Kids with autism often that's where we'ves meet them. The

446
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,960
Speaker 6: other bit is repetitive, restrictive behaviors. They get really focused

447
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,400
Speaker 6: on certain activities, like doing them over and over again,

448
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,480
Speaker 6: and struggle with transitions to where all the sensory stuff

449
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,240
Speaker 6: comes in. You know, certain clothes really irritate them. Certain

450
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,760
Speaker 6: environments interesting. We can walk into an environment and go,

451
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,280
Speaker 6: it's just a supermarket, why are they struggling in here?

452
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,479
Speaker 6: But if you had to sound up to one hundred,

453
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,520
Speaker 6: the lights blinding you, you know, everyone kind of bumping

454
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,920
Speaker 6: into aggressively. You wouldn't want to be there either, and

455
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,000
Speaker 6: that's the experience they have, right.

456
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:32,280
Speaker 3: Okay, fascinating and thank you very much for your question.

457
00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:33,280
Speaker 2: Natalie and Sinclair.

458
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,359
Speaker 3: You've got doctor Billy Garvey here, Nat Hi.

459
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,200
Speaker 4: Hi question for doctor Billy Garvey.

460
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:39,440
Speaker 6: NT.

461
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,920
Speaker 7: Yes, how much screen time is too much?

462
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:43,920
Speaker 3: Cool?

463
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,720
Speaker 2: You get this question? Billy?

464
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:46,919
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, I love this question.

465
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:51,000
Speaker 6: So there's a lot of the like Australia, America, UK,

466
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,159
Speaker 6: they've got guidelines and it's essentially the austrain one is

467
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,520
Speaker 6: under two year old never see a screen two to

468
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,720
Speaker 6: five one hour a day. Over five it's up to

469
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:03,160
Speaker 6: two hours. And on the last survey we did nationally

470
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:07,080
Speaker 6: about you know, seventy percent of parents exceed those recommendations.

471
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,760
Speaker 6: And I think thirty percent of people like yeah, because

472
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,720
Speaker 6: it's you know, it's crazy and it's ridiculous and it's not.

473
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:18,080
Speaker 6: Actually I love just hearing families ask that question because

474
00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:21,280
Speaker 6: ignore it. Don't even think about time, yes, think about

475
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,639
Speaker 6: what can I put in its place. I saw you know,

476
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:26,440
Speaker 6: four or five kids yesterday glued to iPads and parents

477
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,359
Speaker 6: are going crazy every time I try and take it off,

478
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,119
Speaker 6: and they swear you know, one mum kind of only

479
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:36,000
Speaker 6: charges it to twenty percent overnight, so it dies and

480
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,359
Speaker 6: then it's gone for the day. It's going to have

481
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,200
Speaker 6: to charge overnight. But it's really important, like we talked

482
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:44,680
Speaker 6: about before, put something in its place, put activities, relationships.

483
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,280
Speaker 6: If you just tell kids get off the iPad and

484
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:51,080
Speaker 6: the other option is sit around do nothing, it's so stimulating,

485
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:53,280
Speaker 6: it's so engaging, so you need to be careful with

486
00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:55,439
Speaker 6: that being your priority. But what the best thing we

487
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,760
Speaker 6: can do is fit in other things into their life

488
00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:01,800
Speaker 6: that is a richer developmenttal expl's like interacting with people,

489
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,719
Speaker 6: like running around all that stuff and remembering also that

490
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:08,119
Speaker 6: there are positive elements. Some of my older mentors, you know,

491
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,000
Speaker 6: professors would have disagree with me about this.

492
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,159
Speaker 1: But a lot of kids, especially.

493
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:15,400
Speaker 6: With neurodiversity, that's where their social world exists is online.

494
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,080
Speaker 6: A lot of kids their creative output is on screens.

495
00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:20,160
Speaker 6: You know, it can be helpful, it's just they need

496
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:20,920
Speaker 6: other stuff too.

497
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,520
Speaker 3: Yep, absolutely well and Lachlan and Penrith, Doctor Billy Garvey,

498
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:25,840
Speaker 3: what's your question, love one.

499
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,760
Speaker 1: My question is is shouting at your kids a bad thing?

500
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,600
Speaker 1: And what is the best way to discipline your child.

501
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,920
Speaker 6: Yeah, so it's not a bad thing because I think

502
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,520
Speaker 6: one of the things that the mistakes we make as parents,

503
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:45,000
Speaker 6: and yeah, I worry about this too my own kids,

504
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,879
Speaker 6: is that I shouldn't show them like explosive emotions. But

505
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,640
Speaker 6: the reality is if those kids grow up and they've

506
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,199
Speaker 6: never seen it, then when they experience it themselves, they

507
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:53,760
Speaker 6: won't know what to do with it, like what's wrong

508
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,199
Speaker 6: with me? Dad never got upset? Like yes, yeah, we

509
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,000
Speaker 6: can also roll model the recovery, Like there's three bits

510
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,119
Speaker 6: of important bits of emotion. Is how we respond to it,

511
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:04,400
Speaker 6: how we talk about it outside of the emotional difficulties

512
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,159
Speaker 6: kids are having, and then how we roll model our

513
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,639
Speaker 6: own kind of exposure emotional difficulties, explosions, and how we

514
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,280
Speaker 6: recover and you know, going coming back and saying I

515
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,600
Speaker 6: got so annoyed that I'm really sorry, it's unacceptable that

516
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,959
Speaker 6: I yelled like that. I'm really working on it. This

517
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,840
Speaker 6: is what I'm doing with it. How are you going

518
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,880
Speaker 6: about that? And checking in? So it's an important thing.

519
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,879
Speaker 6: Now with discipline, the problem with discipline is that you

520
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:29,719
Speaker 6: know the kind of negative reinforcement can occur. So what

521
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,640
Speaker 6: I mean by that is the kids really struggling, and

522
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:36,280
Speaker 6: they are really annoyed, and so they start shouting and elevating. Now,

523
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:37,960
Speaker 6: as the parent, you go, well, I'm either going to

524
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,720
Speaker 6: give in because I don't want to have this fight

525
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,080
Speaker 6: and I don't have time. I've got to get to

526
00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:43,720
Speaker 6: work or whatever. That reinforces the kid doing it again

527
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,080
Speaker 6: next time. They go that worked. If you're like, go

528
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,800
Speaker 6: to your room. You know, I'm grounding you for two weeks,

529
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:51,679
Speaker 6: I'm taking away your pocket money, you're not seeing your

530
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,760
Speaker 6: mates tonight, that reinforces for you that that strategy worked,

531
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,200
Speaker 6: and you're more likely to do it again. What's better

532
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 6: is outside of those times of distress, going how are

533
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,679
Speaker 6: we going? That's called reflective practice. What's important to us

534
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,800
Speaker 6: as a family? How are we going to do it together?

535
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,600
Speaker 6: And then if you find you're still having a lot

536
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,800
Speaker 6: of conflict in shouting all the time, going hey, this

537
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,480
Speaker 6: isn't working. And the most common reason that is is

538
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,680
Speaker 6: because the demand being asked of you exceed your capacity. Sure,

539
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,160
Speaker 6: you're like, I don't have time to do this. We're

540
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,040
Speaker 6: trying to do ten different things as a family, and

541
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:21,040
Speaker 6: you just go drop the homework, drop the vegetables, drop

542
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:23,040
Speaker 6: all that stuff. And be like, I just need to

543
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,960
Speaker 6: connect with this kid and build back the positive relationship

544
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:26,600
Speaker 6: I have with them.

545
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,000
Speaker 4: So when you're yelling out, just do your homework a

546
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:33,920
Speaker 4: little mongrel. It's not always the best solution, and that's

547
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:34,280
Speaker 4: to you.

548
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:40,920
Speaker 5: That's I think, Billy, what I hear you talk about

549
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:44,159
Speaker 5: a lot, and it's because parents can ask a thousand

550
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:47,120
Speaker 5: questions and you're right, there's so much going on. There's

551
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:50,000
Speaker 5: always ten things going on inside the house. But you

552
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:54,680
Speaker 5: touch on the fact that prioritizing your own mental health

553
00:23:54,760 --> 00:24:00,800
Speaker 5: as a parent is really important because generally, if you're okay,

554
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:05,240
Speaker 5: the child will be okay. You know. So is there

555
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:09,719
Speaker 5: any just little piece of advice around kind of looking

556
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:16,240
Speaker 5: after yourself or what should parents be doing to kind

557
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:19,560
Speaker 5: of put that step almost at the beginning and then

558
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,720
Speaker 5: and then deal with the child after that. Hopefully there's

559
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:23,720
Speaker 5: a flow on effect.

560
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,200
Speaker 6: Yeah, definitely, you know, the most important protective factor around

561
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,680
Speaker 6: kids as primary caregivers and having you know, the greatest

562
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,720
Speaker 6: capacity is really important. And we've talked about kind of

563
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,840
Speaker 6: the role modeling mental health, but it also kind of

564
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:37,639
Speaker 6: fuels you to be the best parent you can be.

565
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,280
Speaker 6: But a lot of especially mums are just like I

566
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:41,879
Speaker 6: don't have I can't prioritize that.

567
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:42,400
Speaker 1: I'm a mum.

568
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,320
Speaker 6: I've got to look after these kids. But you'll be

569
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,119
Speaker 6: better equipped if you are also dealing with that. We

570
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,960
Speaker 6: know that fifty percent of adult mental illness starts in childhood.

571
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,760
Speaker 6: So the problem is for a lot of parents who've

572
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:54,280
Speaker 6: got a kid that's struggling, it really opens up these

573
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,560
Speaker 6: wounds about their own childhood and they're like, yeah, look,

574
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,240
Speaker 6: this kid is really struggling. They're dysregulating, the I don't

575
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:03,159
Speaker 6: have any friends, they're getting bullied, whatever it is that

576
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:06,479
Speaker 6: was me. And that's really hard because then it opens up,

577
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,840
Speaker 6: as parents our own kind of mental wounds. So if

578
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,480
Speaker 6: we're not dealing with them, it kind of ties both

579
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,200
Speaker 6: our hands behind our back and we're trying to help

580
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,440
Speaker 6: our kids too, right. But yeah, it's one of the

581
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,760
Speaker 6: hardest bits of parenting, I think, is that trying to

582
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:22,200
Speaker 6: account for the fact that it brings up so much

583
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:23,200
Speaker 6: from our own childhood.

584
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:26,480
Speaker 2: Yep, too true, doctor Bill, this is unbelievable. Thank you

585
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:26,840
Speaker 2: so much.

586
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,040
Speaker 3: If you want more information and to getting touch, head

587
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:31,880
Speaker 3: to Billyyarvey dot com. That's his website, but also pop

588
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,640
Speaker 3: culture Parenting is the podcast that Kate was talking about

589
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,480
Speaker 3: as well. We know how busy you are, mate, so

590
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,720
Speaker 3: thank you very much for coming in doc No lovely

591
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:39,159
Speaker 3: to talk to you.

592
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:42,199
Speaker 2: Thanks Billy, Bitsy and Wepper with Kate. Ritchie is a

593
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:43,199
Speaker 2: Nova podcast.

594
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,359
Speaker 3: For more great comedy shows like this, head to novapodcast

595
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:47,480
Speaker 3: dot com dot au