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Speaker 1: This episode of Headgame was recorded on gadigal Land. This

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Speaker 1: episode contains discussion of suicide, eating disorders, and mental ill health.

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Speaker 1: If this raises any issues for you, support is available

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Speaker 1: through the links and phone numbers in the show notes.

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Speaker 2: It's twenty sixteen and Louise Hawkins has just stepped into

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Speaker 2: a gym for the first time in decades. She's signed

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Speaker 2: up for a kettlebell class. Determined to turn her life

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Speaker 2: around after years sheltered away at home, living with anxiety

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Speaker 2: born missing part of her left arm, She's determined to

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Speaker 2: face her fears after trying to hide her physical.

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Speaker 3: Disability from the world.

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Speaker 2: It's a class that sparks a love of fitness that

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Speaker 2: will see Louise blossom for years to come. Kettlebells turns

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Speaker 2: into CrossFit, which motivates her to develop an adaptive aid

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Speaker 2: for athletes with disabilities. For a woman who once believed

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Speaker 2: she wouldn't be remembered for anything, she would go on

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Speaker 2: to inspire a generation of athletes. I'm at Middleton and

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Speaker 2: this is Headgame today. A woman, a mother, and an

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Speaker 2: athlete who will be remembered thanks to her fitness journey

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Speaker 2: and a nudge from yours truly. If you look at

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Speaker 2: this phenomenal woman on Instagram and on social media's, you

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Speaker 2: will see this strong lady, crossfitter, powerhouse, confident lady that's

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Speaker 2: absolutely smashing through life.

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Speaker 3: But it's not always been like that, has it, Louise?

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Speaker 4: It's not now.

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Speaker 5: That's a very recent, a recent shift for me in

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Speaker 5: terms of a started CrossFit in twenty seventeen and I

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Speaker 5: was still very much in a part mindset and I

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Speaker 5: would only say it's been the last eighteen months that

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Speaker 5: I've really come to if you.

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Speaker 2: Like last eighteen months, the last eighteen months, you've absolutely

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Speaker 2: smashed life. It's almost as if you know you've been

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Speaker 2: building up, building up, building up, building up for something

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Speaker 2: to click in your head and then for you all

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Speaker 2: of a sudden to go, do you know what life

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Speaker 2: belongs to me?

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Speaker 3: It is mine?

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Speaker 2: Because you haven't just you know, trickle fed into this.

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Speaker 2: You've literally just made a decision in your head, in

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Speaker 2: your mind, and you've gone boom. You've absolutely almost made

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Speaker 2: up for all the years that you might feel like

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Speaker 2: that you've wasted. But before we get into that, you

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Speaker 2: were born with a disability, won't you.

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Speaker 5: O our barn where my left lower arm missing. So

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Speaker 5: I was born in nineteen eighty on. Yeah, I'm twenty on.

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Speaker 5: But my mom didn't have scan in back in nineteen

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Speaker 5: eighty one. I believe that the worst scans available, but one.

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Speaker 4: Weren't someone that was scanned.

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Speaker 5: So I were a surprise, if you like, in terms

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Speaker 5: of being born with one arm the one more wonderful.

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Speaker 5: I'm very acception of that. Bough my dad rejected me.

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Speaker 5: I weren't enough for dad, So I guess that that

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Speaker 5: is where really my I suppose mental health and mindset

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Speaker 5: has come from, in terms of hiding my arm for

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Speaker 5: so long.

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Speaker 2: You were born with you're missing completely missing your left

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Speaker 2: arm right, so.

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Speaker 4: Just below elbow.

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Speaker 5: Obviously it's quite cold in my house, so it's quite red,

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Speaker 5: which it.

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Speaker 3: Does below the elbow.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I think this is really important because

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Speaker 2: you're born your father rejects you. Does he reject you

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Speaker 2: because of the way you were born? Or was it

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Speaker 2: just was it something with your mom? Or was it

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Speaker 2: because how you came out with your arm missing?

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Speaker 5: Yeah, So I recently started motivational speaking last year, so

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Speaker 5: this context behind this, Like she had to do a

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Speaker 5: lot of digging emotionally and a lot ofr on his

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Speaker 5: conversations with mum. So when I was what she told

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Speaker 5: me was when I was age twelve thirteen, I asked

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Speaker 5: her what happened with Dad because we saw Dad on

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Speaker 5: a Saturday and things like that. But I never felt comfortable.

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Speaker 5: Mag up were telling me there was something not right.

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Speaker 5: I just weren't part at fold like my sister were.

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Speaker 5: And when I was born there were a lot of commotion.

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Speaker 5: I weren't put straight on Mum's chest like my sister

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Speaker 5: what fifteen months previous, So she knew there was something wrong.

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Speaker 5: She thought there was something wrong with her face. She

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Speaker 5: didn't quite know why she thought that. But when the

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Speaker 5: past meeting Mum and she's fine, there's nothing wrong with

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Speaker 5: her because it were nothing on the face. But then

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Speaker 5: they unwrapped the blanket and showed mummy arm and Mum's

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Speaker 5: response is that all?

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Speaker 4: And Dad?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, she was chief fully expecting the worst. You know,

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Speaker 2: I've had five children myself, and when your children get

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Speaker 2: whisked off, you think the worst. So obviously when you

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Speaker 2: came back as a fully healthy baby with just you know,

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Speaker 2: with your with your left arm missing below your elbow,

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Speaker 2: of course she would have felt relief. You'd have gone

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Speaker 2: that he's healthy, she's she's here, there's nothing wrong with

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Speaker 2: her head and there's no brain damage, that it's a

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Speaker 2: missing arm.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, but my dad didn't react quite like that yet

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Speaker 5: to screaming.

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Speaker 3: How did your dad react and did he blame your

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Speaker 3: mom for it?

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Speaker 4: I'm not sure if he blamed it.

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Speaker 5: He just said she's no child of man, and then

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Speaker 5: he didn't return, didn't return that day. And then he

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Speaker 5: came next to it and showed me toys Mormon as sister.

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Speaker 4: But the bond whenever there, And you know, I felt

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Speaker 4: that as a child.

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Speaker 5: I'm very I'm very big still on gut instinct and

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Speaker 5: when I'm doing my motivational talk and people, so well,

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Speaker 5: why did your mum tell you that?

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Speaker 4: That? It's cruel that your mum told you?

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Speaker 5: But I needed to know an answer because my good

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Speaker 5: were very much. I'd feel really uneasy, even when I'd

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Speaker 5: go for birthdays and Christmas for presents.

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Speaker 4: Some my dad would pull up outside.

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Speaker 5: I'd take my best friend with me because I just

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Speaker 5: felt uneasy.

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Speaker 2: Did you feel like that he was ashamed of you?

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Speaker 2: The rejection was there from day dot, but you didn't

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Speaker 2: know that, So how would you feel. Just put me

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Speaker 2: back into your mindset around your father. You said you

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Speaker 2: felt uneasy, there was something wasn't right.

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Speaker 3: Was it was it? Shame? Did he was?

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Speaker 4: There?

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Speaker 3: No sense of pride there? What did you feel?

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Speaker 2: Because obviously, knowing what you know now is a lot

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Speaker 2: different to how you felt when you didn't know him.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I probably felt I weren't enough and I have

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Speaker 5: carried that through my entire life.

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Speaker 4: And it's only unto two three weeks ago that I've understood.

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Speaker 5: Fully why because I'm still I'm still unpicking, I'm still digging,

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Speaker 5: I'm still trying to fully understand myself. And whilst yes

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Speaker 5: I have become a confident woman, I don't hide my

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Speaker 5: arm anymore. I don't like it. If I had one wish,

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Speaker 5: it would be to have two arms. And I know

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Speaker 5: a lot of people said to me, well you want

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Speaker 5: to all these opportunities, and you know I've got some

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Speaker 5: gorgeous people around me, said well, you won't be you,

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Speaker 5: but I'd rather be met with two arms. And I said,

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Speaker 5: two or three weeks ago, it's because there was a

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Speaker 5: lady don't really want to get any credit. She is

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Speaker 5: in media, and she put something on social media where

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Speaker 5: she berated, people like myself will indifference and it's the

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Speaker 5: most disgusting thing I've ever seen. But from that it

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Speaker 5: helped me dig a little bit further, and I thought,

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Speaker 5: I know why I I I really can't accept me

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Speaker 5: on why I hate it so much, And it's because

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Speaker 5: I'm ashamed.

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Speaker 4: I'm ashamed of myself. But it all ties back and

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Speaker 4: links back.

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Speaker 5: There's a lot of stigma attached.

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Speaker 4: To having a disability, of course.

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Speaker 5: And people don't I think people still don't like just

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Speaker 5: to see or think that professional people, respectful people. They

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Speaker 5: don't like to think that as a person with disability,

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Speaker 5: that you're not stared at multiple times a day.

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Speaker 4: Of course I am every day.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, Yeah, you're never gonna You're never gonna get

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Speaker 2: away from that, are you. I suppose it's something that

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Speaker 2: if it's if it's on your conscience, then you're you're you.

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Speaker 3: Will constantly see it.

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Speaker 2: You don't necessarily have to be looking for it, but

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Speaker 2: it just you know, you're just looking at people if

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Speaker 2: they're looking at you. It's a self conscious thing. I

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Speaker 2: completely completely get it. So growing up, did you find

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Speaker 2: yourself isolated? Did you did you did it affect your

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Speaker 2: mental health. And what were you like as a child

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Speaker 2: going through school? Were you were you bullied? Were you berated?

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Speaker 2: Were how did that that pan out? And were you

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Speaker 2: sheltered at all by your parents? Because I suppose that's

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Speaker 2: something that parents naturally do to their sim They want

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Speaker 2: to shelter you, They want to, you know, but that's

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Speaker 2: not necessarily the right thing to do.

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Speaker 4: Probably quietly opposite.

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Speaker 5: Really in school, I think you don't because you're not

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Speaker 5: as self aware in your adolescent brain. You're just not

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Speaker 5: as self aware until you become a teenager. So in

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Speaker 5: primary school kids wanted to be a friend because I

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Speaker 5: were different, you know. I think that now people wanted

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Speaker 5: to yeah, yeah, just being a friend and see if

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Speaker 5: I could do a cat wheel and things like that.

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Speaker 4: In and in senior school I lived in a pub, so.

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Speaker 5: I weren't popular or like a mediocre and I weren't naughty.

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Speaker 4: I weren't, but I weren't picked on.

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Speaker 5: I think I can't even count on my hands a

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Speaker 5: month's time or picked on, which is you know, it's

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Speaker 5: wonderful really, But my mum always said there's no such

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Speaker 5: word as can't.

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Speaker 4: So I didn't have any choice.

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Speaker 2: So as your mom that instilled that into your Your

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Speaker 2: dad was was distant? Did he did he stayed throughout

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Speaker 2: your whole childhood?

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Speaker 3: Was or was there? Was he was? He absent? Because

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Speaker 3: it sounds like that your mum was very much your champion.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, my mom, Yeah, my mum's Yeah, it still is.

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Speaker 5: But dad went to see him on a Saturday, but

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Speaker 5: that weigned off, and I suspect as well some of

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Speaker 5: that well, because we were teenagers, wanted to go town

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Speaker 5: with his friends. But I hadn't seen him since probably

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Speaker 5: or seventeen something like that.

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Speaker 2: How does that affect a teenage girl, with how you

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Speaker 2: were born, how you were obviously rejected by your father?

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Speaker 2: What's going through your head at a young age when

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Speaker 2: when you don't realize that you see him for the

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Speaker 2: last time?

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Speaker 5: In all in all honesty, our probably more hurt for

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Speaker 5: my sister, because my sister and my dad, I'd say

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Speaker 5: pretty normal sister dad bond. But because of how I felt,

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Speaker 5: I had problem more relief, really, I'd say so yeah,

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Speaker 5: because when when you don't feel something, or when you

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Speaker 5: got tells you something, you're walking on eggshells, aren't you?

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Speaker 5: And that's a hard place to be, So to not

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Speaker 5: have to do all that and I would have been described.

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Speaker 4: As a child as a warrior.

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Speaker 5: Mental health wasn't really a thing back then.

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Speaker 4: It weren't discussed.

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Speaker 3: No, it was it was. It wasn't discussed, it was hidden.

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Speaker 2: If anyone had a you know, it's like, you know,

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Speaker 2: get on with it, you know that you know there's

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Speaker 2: something wrong with you, rather than you know then that

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Speaker 2: actually you know, opening up and talking about it. I

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Speaker 2: totally agree, totally an eighties kid as well. I was

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Speaker 2: born in nineteen eighties, so I know exactly where you're

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Speaker 2: coming from.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, And I think I controlled it through eating or

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Speaker 5: lack of eating really from a very young age. So yeah,

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Speaker 5: the food side of things was something that I could control.

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Speaker 5: I'd say it were virgin on anorexia. My best friend

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Speaker 5: kind of caught me out and told me mum, and

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Speaker 5: that got nipch in bud. But I was still very

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Speaker 5: very controlling with food, probably again until very recently. I

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Speaker 5: also said didn't enjoy food, so I don't find it boring.

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Speaker 5: And if anyone knows me now, I don't know. I

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Speaker 5: eat a lot of food and I'm probably the most

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Speaker 5: balanced I've ever been, but only since.

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Speaker 4: Probably like lockdown.

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Speaker 2: And do you do you think you done that because

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Speaker 2: that's the one thing that you could control, you know,

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Speaker 2: was your intake and outtake of food and you know,

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Speaker 2: everything else around you. You probably just wanted to, you know,

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Speaker 2: to shut that door into to be left alone and

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Speaker 2: to crack on with things that especially as you're going

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Speaker 2: on into your teenage years now, you're starting to understand,

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Speaker 2: you know, the situation. You're starting to you know, you're

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Speaker 2: starting to open up into the big wide world. How

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Speaker 2: was that transition from going from that teenager like you said,

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Speaker 2: when no one really cared, everyone was cool about it,

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Speaker 2: and then then then then then obviously your father being

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Speaker 2: you know, off the scene, shall we say, and then

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Speaker 2: you ultimately having to face let's be honest, the big

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Speaker 2: wide world, which is a completely different beast, isn't it.

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Speaker 2: How was that transition and did it work for you

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Speaker 2: or did it? It sounds it sounds like it worked

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Speaker 2: against you.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, so when in.

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Speaker 5: The teenager, ys, that's when I started calling me.

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Speaker 2: Out right, So up to up to then you were

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Speaker 2: quite happy with your arm being out and you weren't

256
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Speaker 2: shamed of it. And then was there was there was

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Speaker 2: there a moment Louise happened or was it just or

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Speaker 2: did that just gradually happen where you just became more

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Speaker 2: and more ashamed of of your arm.

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Speaker 5: I think it when I'd ask my mum what had

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Speaker 5: happened with add and then I didn't realize that I'd

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Speaker 5: started covering it. I were okay, if all we're friends,

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Speaker 5: I wouldn't cover it, then, sass, I felt protected. But

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Speaker 5: if I went anywhere on my own, I'd have certain

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Speaker 5: things that i'd need, So I cought or something to

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Speaker 5: cover my arm, a little bit of food because I

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Speaker 5: don't forget the teat so it used to faint quite

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Speaker 5: a bit, and yeah, if I needed them things before

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Speaker 5: I left house, and I covered my arm since then,

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Speaker 5: And if I looked in the mirror, I'd put behind

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Speaker 5: behind the back. So I didn't actually see myself as

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Speaker 5: somebody with a disability until I did my first CrossFit competition.

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Speaker 2: Do you wish that your mother never told you that

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Speaker 2: your father sort of rejected you?

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Speaker 3: Do you think?

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Speaker 2: And again, I know hindsight's a great thing, but it

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Speaker 2: seems like that really really affected you from thereafter, and

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Speaker 2: it seems like that you went in this into this

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Speaker 2: spiral of self doubt and you know mental health issues thereafter.

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Speaker 2: Do you wish that your mother would have just just

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Speaker 2: stayed shum.

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Speaker 5: No, I don't, because then the mindset would have been

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Speaker 5: affected in other ways because I knew there or something

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Speaker 5: not right.

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Speaker 3: So it's almost confirmation for you.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And I think.

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Speaker 5: I feel like that that's gave me a different power,

288
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Speaker 5: are a different lens on life. I'm very good at

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Speaker 5: reading people. It's part of my job now. And if

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Speaker 5: I didn't have known that, I would have always had

291
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Speaker 5: that doubt that you've got instincts not right, and that's

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Speaker 5: really important to me. So I feel like it needed

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Speaker 5: to happen in order for me to settle my mind

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Speaker 5: in that sense. I've not put two one tour together

295
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Speaker 5: until I started doing my talk, started writing that, and

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Speaker 5: it sounds really bizarre from an outsider looking in, but

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Speaker 5: I've just not pieced everything together. And I think because

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Speaker 5: we'll live such a busy life, I've pieced bits together

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Speaker 5: in Lockdown, and Lockdown will always be or have been

300
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Speaker 5: my savior because it gave me some quiet time to think.

301
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Speaker 5: But No, I absolutely think she did the right thing.

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Speaker 2: In telling me, how did it affect your relationships moving forward?

303
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,800
Speaker 2: Was it quite easy for you today. You're a very

304
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Speaker 2: good looking lady. You know, I'm sure that you'll have

305
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,080
Speaker 2: you'd have no problem. But ultimately, you know, we don't

306
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,160
Speaker 2: know what's going on in someone's head. How did that

307
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,840
Speaker 2: affect your relationships from that moment?

308
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Speaker 5: Well, I think again, because I'm an eighties child, world

309
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:09,480
Speaker 5: weren't open to us like it is now. We didn't

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Speaker 5: see things like we saw things then. So I had

311
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Speaker 5: a group of friends. I was brought up in a

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Speaker 5: pub and I met Lee and we were together from

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Speaker 5: being nineteen, So.

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Speaker 4: It weren't a thing.

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Speaker 5: Like I said, I didn't see myself as somebody as

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Speaker 5: having a disability. And I know now me being present

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Speaker 5: on social media, I do speak with a lot of

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Speaker 5: people will indifference, and they do asked me about dating

319
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Speaker 5: and all them things. And I'm in a different situation now,

320
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Speaker 5: But it was just a completely different world. And I

321
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Speaker 5: think unless you were born in eighties or before then,

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Speaker 5: it's really hard to.

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Speaker 4: Comprehend that.

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Speaker 5: But you kind of you had your circle and unless

325
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Speaker 5: you were, you didn't go further from your village. Really,

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Speaker 5: I don't feel I mean, right, that might just be

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Speaker 5: a me thing.

328
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Speaker 2: But no, and also you didn't have the opportunities or

329
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Speaker 2: you know, or the aspirations or you know, yeah, I

330
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,879
Speaker 2: suppose the opportunities to be able to do that. It

331
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,280
Speaker 2: was very much you know, you couldn't see beyond the community.

332
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Speaker 2: You couldn't see beyond you know, beyond your town.

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Speaker 3: And that was that.

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Speaker 2: It was very much an eighty sort of aspect of

335
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,879
Speaker 2: life where you're just going through it and you're like,

336
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:30,800
Speaker 2: do you know what this is? You know, this is me,

337
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,320
Speaker 2: this is my my backyard. This is where I'm going

338
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Speaker 2: to function, this is where I'm going to work, and

339
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:36,440
Speaker 2: this is where I'm going to live for the rest

340
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,359
Speaker 2: of my life. You never imagine that you're going to

341
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Speaker 2: go out into the big wide world and like you now,

342
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,840
Speaker 2: you know, speak in front of thousands of people, compete

343
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,439
Speaker 2: with hundreds of people with what you do. So when

344
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,920
Speaker 2: did that actually come about? When did you actually start

345
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,280
Speaker 2: to find a bit of a bit of a community

346
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Speaker 2: sort of space in like the physical aspect of things.

347
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Speaker 4: Yeah, I had a lot of trouble conceiving.

348
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:06,800
Speaker 5: Mayor the eldest, so I recurrent this carriage and that's

349
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:08,679
Speaker 5: what I found that really tough.

350
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Speaker 4: And when I had Mayor, I was you know.

351
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:18,000
Speaker 5: Initially I was told I were infertile. Weren't happy with that,

352
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:22,880
Speaker 5: so I did a lot of research and eventually i'd

353
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,120
Speaker 5: been diagnosed with here syndrome. So I would have never

354
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:29,160
Speaker 5: kept any other children that I had before. So when

355
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Speaker 5: I had Mayed, I was just in an absolute gorgeous

356
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,800
Speaker 5: bubble of maternal bliss.

357
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Speaker 4: Really, I couldn't believe I've got her. I've just yeah.

358
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,399
Speaker 5: Still, you know, I still go and look to Hi

359
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,440
Speaker 5: when they're in bed. I think I can't believe the mine.

360
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Speaker 4: And then I had Lilia the.

361
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:49,200
Speaker 5: Two years two weeks apart. But I had Lilia in the.

362
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Speaker 3: Car blood Luis, you don't do things.

363
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Speaker 2: You's a glad for banishment.

364
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,800
Speaker 3: I swear you are you like me. It's just like

365
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,840
Speaker 3: things like, yeah, do you know what.

366
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:04,479
Speaker 4: It is? What it is?

367
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,800
Speaker 3: So tell me about tell me about this car birth

368
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,000
Speaker 3: and did you who were you with?

369
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:10,960
Speaker 4: Well?

370
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,240
Speaker 5: I did go to hospital, so both my girls came

371
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,320
Speaker 5: on the due date, which I've heard is very lucky.

372
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:20,000
Speaker 4: And I knew I were in labor with Lilia because

373
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:21,240
Speaker 4: I'd already had Mayor.

374
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,399
Speaker 5: So I did go to hospital and I presented my

375
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,800
Speaker 5: higher is pregnancy. I had to inject every day with

376
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:30,480
Speaker 5: blood thinners, so I were risk of bleeding out and

377
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,520
Speaker 5: they said, nope, you're not in labor.

378
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:34,520
Speaker 4: Sent me home.

379
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,400
Speaker 5: I got to up front door and I couldn't move eight.

380
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:39,080
Speaker 4: What middle of night.

381
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:43,040
Speaker 5: So if you have five children yourself, you'll know the

382
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,960
Speaker 5: noise that a lady who X when they're in labor.

383
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Speaker 4: And I walked the entire street.

384
00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:52,640
Speaker 5: Yeah, we're a bit a bit louder, we both, Yeah.

385
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,239
Speaker 5: I walked the street up. Two neighbors came out and

386
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:59,880
Speaker 5: posted me into back a car and I had well

387
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,880
Speaker 5: six minutes later, one hundred and twenty mile an hour

388
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:07,720
Speaker 5: at the local roundabout, and it was but you know,

389
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,000
Speaker 5: I can laugh about it now, but it's the most

390
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,639
Speaker 5: horrendous pain I have ever ever felt. And I still

391
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:18,439
Speaker 5: compare pain for that day. Nothing compares but what it

392
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:23,400
Speaker 5: did bring, what it gives PTSD and I already had

393
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:24,400
Speaker 5: mental health issues.

394
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,120
Speaker 3: So let's let's Louis, let's rewind.

395
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:30,800
Speaker 2: So you and I love how you just modest, modestly,

396
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,000
Speaker 2: just skip past giving birth in a car with no

397
00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:37,320
Speaker 2: pain relief, for you know, this is where women are hard.

398
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,480
Speaker 2: Call yes, yeah, listen, it's you know, and I can't

399
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,920
Speaker 2: skip past this you know, for the sake of all

400
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,480
Speaker 2: the all the moms out there and all the women

401
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:51,800
Speaker 2: out there. You're you're in the car, and how.

402
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:52,960
Speaker 3: What do you have?

403
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,720
Speaker 2: You got your feet up on the on the dashboard

404
00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:00,200
Speaker 2: and you give But do you hold the baby?

405
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,200
Speaker 3: Are you?

406
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:06,600
Speaker 4: Hell? No? So the neighbors posted me into the back seat.

407
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:11,160
Speaker 5: Luckily we had an estate car were pretty big. Yeah,

408
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,080
Speaker 5: and my clothes were already hung up, you know, for

409
00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:15,760
Speaker 5: the next day.

410
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, ready to Yeah, So.

411
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,800
Speaker 5: I'm laid out on back seat, and of course I

412
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,639
Speaker 5: had leggings on course, would do I want to?

413
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:25,679
Speaker 4: So, yeah, I gave birth to and.

414
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:30,000
Speaker 5: My husband were on fhont at midwives and I remember

415
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,040
Speaker 5: him saying, tell her to stop pushing.

416
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,280
Speaker 4: And I'll not even review, I said, But.

417
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,080
Speaker 5: Yeah, So hospital were about.

418
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:42,000
Speaker 4: Two minutes after magiving birth.

419
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,719
Speaker 5: If that were driving it one hundred and twenty mile

420
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Speaker 5: an hour, and we could go that fast because it

421
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:52,680
Speaker 5: were middle of night, but that I had to get

422
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:56,159
Speaker 5: to hospital because of the bleeding out and the staff

423
00:22:56,160 --> 00:23:00,600
Speaker 5: were waiting outside hospital doors to bring in. I mean,

424
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,080
Speaker 5: at this point I didn't know what I had had.

425
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,040
Speaker 5: By girl, I'm not I weren't sure. They just cut

426
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,920
Speaker 5: my leggings open, passed me to Lilia. She was wrapped up,

427
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:11,920
Speaker 5: and the wheel me into hospital.

428
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:12,600
Speaker 4: And because it.

429
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,800
Speaker 5: Was a weekend night and it's been boiling, it's got a.

430
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,639
Speaker 4: Massive rand of flaws because I've just seen me.

431
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,399
Speaker 5: They'd seen me half hour before go in, and I

432
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,919
Speaker 5: knew quite a lot of people there and.

433
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:26,359
Speaker 4: This baby.

434
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,679
Speaker 3: You wanted to kill them, didn't you like that?

435
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:29,879
Speaker 5: I told you I.

436
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:34,520
Speaker 2: Was going into I told you so, just a quick one.

437
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,479
Speaker 2: You say, you had your leggings on, so when you

438
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,760
Speaker 2: gave birth? Was the baby in the leggings when you

439
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,199
Speaker 2: gave birth? So the baby was all tacked up in

440
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,919
Speaker 2: the leggings. They cut the leggings open, grabbed the baby,

441
00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:46,399
Speaker 2: you know.

442
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,920
Speaker 5: Yeah, I had, I know, the put put on my

443
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,000
Speaker 5: little arm and they said, oh yeah, I'm gonna have

444
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,640
Speaker 5: to hold umbilical cards. So that's what I wielding to hospital,

445
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:58,080
Speaker 5: hold umbilical card and this baby.

446
00:23:58,119 --> 00:23:59,720
Speaker 4: I still didn't know what i'd had by your girl.

447
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 5: I mean, I'd had thirteen scams of both of them,

448
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,720
Speaker 5: just because of high risk and because of the risk

449
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:05,400
Speaker 5: of miscarried.

450
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,000
Speaker 4: But I never bothered.

451
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:11,280
Speaker 5: We're knowing, you know what what I were having because

452
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:12,240
Speaker 5: it weren't important.

453
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:14,520
Speaker 4: You get what you're given. And I were just pleased

454
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,720
Speaker 4: to be pregnant and have that be a mom wow.

455
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,520
Speaker 2: And did you not think after that? Do you know what,

456
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:24,960
Speaker 2: There's there's something different about me, There's something special about me.

457
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,080
Speaker 2: There's something strong about me. There's something you know? Did

458
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:32,159
Speaker 2: that give you a sense of confidence? Because to go

459
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,680
Speaker 2: through something like that and to come out at the

460
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:39,640
Speaker 2: other end with a beautiful child, and if you think

461
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,440
Speaker 2: at life in a positive way, that that builds resilience,

462
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:45,159
Speaker 2: that builds strength. You know, you realize what you're capable of.

463
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,159
Speaker 2: Was there any sort of positive sort of traits that

464
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,239
Speaker 2: you realized that that that were thereafter or did you

465
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,720
Speaker 2: just go back into mum mode?

466
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,560
Speaker 5: I would say that my mental health took a massive hit.

467
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:03,280
Speaker 5: Then it really smashed me to pieces. They said PTSD

468
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:07,960
Speaker 5: at that point, and I had Mayor who was two

469
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:08,560
Speaker 5: at the time.

470
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,520
Speaker 4: Lily I wasn't a well.

471
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:16,600
Speaker 5: Baby, as in she like force feeder. She was sick

472
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,159
Speaker 5: quite a lot. I had to wind a lot. So

473
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:23,879
Speaker 5: then I got carpal tunnel in the wrist. So I

474
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,680
Speaker 5: was struggling in that sense. My husband worked to where

475
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,880
Speaker 5: I come back girls, So I had to have helped

476
00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:36,159
Speaker 5: with heart and then Mayor started stammering. So there were

477
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,159
Speaker 5: a lot, a lot going off at time, and I

478
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:41,880
Speaker 5: didn't I think from outside.

479
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:43,200
Speaker 4: Point of view, I caught very well.

480
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,879
Speaker 5: I got very used to putting a mask on, but

481
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,720
Speaker 5: I really I really struggled at that point. And this

482
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:53,800
Speaker 5: is what then ultimately after time took me into sport

483
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:56,119
Speaker 5: because something had to give for me because I was

484
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:56,520
Speaker 5: like this.

485
00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:00,439
Speaker 4: Then for a good three years I stopped living. I

486
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:01,200
Speaker 4: was scared alike.

487
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:07,520
Speaker 2: So you're so overstimulated, you're so overwhelmed, you're almost when

488
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,560
Speaker 2: you're in that sort of state of mind, you're and

489
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,880
Speaker 2: probably from the outside world, which you mentioned, it looked

490
00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,520
Speaker 2: like that you were okay, but you're almost on autopilot.

491
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:17,640
Speaker 3: When did you realize that you.

492
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,800
Speaker 2: Know you needed help or went or that you were

493
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:23,760
Speaker 2: now you know, because you get to a stage where

494
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:28,240
Speaker 2: you start to suffer so much that you know it's

495
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:30,919
Speaker 2: almost not impossible, but you know because you do it,

496
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 2: because you find a way to do it, but you're

497
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,520
Speaker 2: almost you know that have a knock on effect with

498
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:37,800
Speaker 2: your children and not go on affect with your family,

499
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,320
Speaker 2: and once it starts to affect them, you know, you

500
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,359
Speaker 2: start to go right, I actually need to you know,

501
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,800
Speaker 2: I need help before before you know, I spiral out

502
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,600
Speaker 2: of control and I bring bring the rest of the

503
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:49,520
Speaker 2: family down with me.

504
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:53,320
Speaker 5: Yeah, and it was it was at that point, and

505
00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:56,320
Speaker 5: now I call it. I call it cruel moments. So

506
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:01,240
Speaker 5: I got to a point probably maybe a more than

507
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:05,080
Speaker 5: that that each morning i'd wake up. And when I

508
00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:06,720
Speaker 5: call it cruel moments, what I mean is in that

509
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:11,239
Speaker 5: split second you're not sure where you are, what date is,

510
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,760
Speaker 5: what world's doing, and you think, oh, everything's fine, and

511
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,240
Speaker 5: then and then that's when they'd have a panic attack,

512
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:20,080
Speaker 5: and the panic attacks would be horrendous. I didn't know

513
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,600
Speaker 5: it were a panic attack because again mental health.

514
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,040
Speaker 3: Still, what were they like?

515
00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:28,119
Speaker 2: What were they like, Louise, when these panic attacks would

516
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:32,280
Speaker 2: kick in any random time, What did they feel like.

517
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:34,560
Speaker 4: Like I was dying?

518
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:40,160
Speaker 5: Yeah, just like I can't breathe. But then I'd go again.

519
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,399
Speaker 5: I describe it as being quite manic, you know, like

520
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:46,480
Speaker 5: quite rocking right and seeking you know, seeking that reassurance

521
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:48,560
Speaker 5: because it would be you know, just the things out

522
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:49,640
Speaker 5: loud with who.

523
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:53,280
Speaker 2: With who the lewis, seeking insurance for yourself, seeking reasurance

524
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:54,240
Speaker 2: from your.

525
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:57,040
Speaker 3: Husband or yeah, well, who are you seeking reassurance.

526
00:27:56,480 --> 00:28:00,359
Speaker 4: With anybody that reasure it's go.

527
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:03,480
Speaker 5: So the cycle would be the each morning of have

528
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 5: a panic attack, and it'd generally be over something that

529
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:08,879
Speaker 5: again health wise.

530
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:10,280
Speaker 4: So say i'd.

531
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:14,040
Speaker 5: Find a mark on my body or a lump or whatever.

532
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:17,360
Speaker 4: I'd start by a panic attack and then I'd.

533
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:21,600
Speaker 5: Google, which is very common for people health anxiety. I'd

534
00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:24,080
Speaker 5: Google to a point where it said I were going

535
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 5: to die, and then I'd need to go to doctors.

536
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:28,280
Speaker 4: Then they'd tell me.

537
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,520
Speaker 5: That, you know, everything were fine, and then the cycle

538
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:36,119
Speaker 5: would start again, but with something different.

539
00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:39,840
Speaker 2: So basically you were you were trying to self diagnose

540
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:45,200
Speaker 2: and then which is always always the worst thing to do,

541
00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:47,880
Speaker 2: even though you've got your gut insotincts in, but you know,

542
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:49,560
Speaker 2: you go into this rabbit hole.

543
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:52,640
Speaker 5: Yeah, but I think as well because of the miscarriages.

544
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:57,680
Speaker 5: So when I miscarried, i'd know the day that i'd miscarried,

545
00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:01,400
Speaker 5: because you know your own body, you can't feel things.

546
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:03,320
Speaker 5: So when I'd ring up and I'd say I think

547
00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:05,720
Speaker 5: I miscarried, I was like, no, You've got to it

548
00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 5: for your twenty week scan now, So we're gone with

549
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,600
Speaker 5: pay for a private scan, which.

550
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:12,640
Speaker 4: At times there weren't scans near us.

551
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:15,960
Speaker 5: So we're driving our pair to be told, yeah, baby

552
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:20,080
Speaker 5: died last night. I got I know, so I'd lost trust.

553
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 5: So in my head, why would why would I be wrong?

554
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:26,120
Speaker 4: Because I were right?

555
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:27,640
Speaker 3: Complete sense?

556
00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:28,480
Speaker 4: Why would I be wrong?

557
00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:30,120
Speaker 5: Because I turned up to hospital and I told them

558
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:34,400
Speaker 5: I were in labor. They told me I weren't, so

559
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:41,320
Speaker 5: I lost trust. We're health services.

560
00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, with everything, so you were you were just you know,

561
00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:46,600
Speaker 2: you're just like the only person I can rely on

562
00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:51,280
Speaker 2: ultimately is myself. But you know, when you're when you're spiraling,

563
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:54,080
Speaker 2: you know, like you are, which you probably didn't realize

564
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:56,960
Speaker 2: you were doing. You know, you can become your own

565
00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:01,840
Speaker 2: worst enemy in in in the situationations and that sounds

566
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,840
Speaker 2: like it had what was the straw that broke the

567
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:05,520
Speaker 2: camel's back?

568
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:06,680
Speaker 3: When did you realize?

569
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:11,280
Speaker 2: You know, potentially if I don't get help, then then

570
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:12,640
Speaker 2: I'm not going to be here anymore.

571
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:16,320
Speaker 5: Yeah, Well he was my husband, He said enough enough

572
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:19,080
Speaker 5: because I had the stigma.

573
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:19,520
Speaker 4: That were attached to.

574
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:24,320
Speaker 5: Meds for mental health double and like, no, I can't

575
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 5: won them because I'll never come off them. Because that's

576
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:28,080
Speaker 5: how people said but it was like, no, enough enough.

577
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:32,600
Speaker 5: Now went to doctors and I started on a low

578
00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:38,760
Speaker 5: doors side Telepram, and I remember the fourteenth day teching

579
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:42,360
Speaker 5: side Talopram and it was just I was sat on

580
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,520
Speaker 5: my laptop and I were looking at some clothes. I

581
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:48,920
Speaker 5: remember I've been walking downstairs up and staircase and he went,

582
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:53,200
Speaker 5: oh god, she's back. Because I love clothes, I love fashion,

583
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:56,360
Speaker 5: I love all that. But for three four years I'd

584
00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:58,479
Speaker 5: just lost myself. I didn't do anything. I didn't put

585
00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:01,480
Speaker 5: any makeup on, I didn't wow, I didn't see friends.

586
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:05,160
Speaker 5: I was just so I would even well, were even

587
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:07,800
Speaker 5: scared at Sun. I was scared to death at Sun

588
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:12,280
Speaker 5: because in case it gave me cancer. You know, that's

589
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:16,440
Speaker 5: that's the point I've got to. So yeah, after taking

590
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 5: meds for a couple of weeks, it settled me down,

591
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:24,440
Speaker 5: and then I was on and off because I kept

592
00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 5: trying to come off them again because at stigma, and

593
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 5: I went to see a specialist over something different to

594
00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:33,320
Speaker 5: do with all things out, and she just sat me

595
00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:35,760
Speaker 5: down and she just said, look, take them meds.

596
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:36,640
Speaker 4: I wanted to take it.

597
00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:39,760
Speaker 5: Quitting a draft forgot about it for twelve months and

598
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:42,080
Speaker 5: then after twelve months recess, and that's what I did,

599
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,360
Speaker 5: And in that time I started across fit.

600
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,480
Speaker 2: Why did you start CrossFit? How did that sort of

601
00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,640
Speaker 2: idea pinging to your mind?

602
00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:00,920
Speaker 3: When?

603
00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:05,960
Speaker 2: When did that become become at the forefront of your

604
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,480
Speaker 2: of your mindset? And what ignited that?

605
00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:13,680
Speaker 5: So I'd started like a kettle bells class and I

606
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,760
Speaker 5: enjoyed that, and then I went for pet and her

607
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 5: local CrossFit box opened and I had to do something

608
00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:21,320
Speaker 5: for myself.

609
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:23,960
Speaker 4: I had to at this.

610
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:27,920
Speaker 5: Point, Malayam, my youngest was that far, I think, and

611
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:32,920
Speaker 5: I just recognized that something had to give back. Just

612
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,120
Speaker 5: continued to survive.

613
00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:35,600
Speaker 4: And I'm not quite.

614
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:38,480
Speaker 5: Sure why I chose CrossFit because it's so hard, isn't it.

615
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:42,200
Speaker 4: But I remember I don't.

616
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:43,440
Speaker 3: Remember especially with one arm.

617
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:47,280
Speaker 5: Yeah, I remember walking in and thinking, I've never even

618
00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:49,240
Speaker 5: I've never even been to wait section or a gym.

619
00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:53,680
Speaker 3: Never you went straight into the deep end.

620
00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:57,000
Speaker 5: Yeah, but that's where and I've recognized now that's exactly

621
00:32:57,000 --> 00:33:01,400
Speaker 5: whewning to be. But yeah, so I didn't yours any

622
00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:02,280
Speaker 5: about bells.

623
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:04,400
Speaker 4: At time when I first went bells.

624
00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:12,480
Speaker 5: Our our welcomed into that community and I just loved it.

625
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:15,480
Speaker 2: In somewhere, you know, when it comes to pt, when

626
00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:19,000
Speaker 2: it comes to going to the gym, that gym community.

627
00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:21,880
Speaker 2: You know, whatever it may be, whatever discipline you may

628
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,960
Speaker 2: be doing in the gym with its bodybuilding, CrossFit, higher,

629
00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:29,280
Speaker 2: whatever it may be. I always say to people, do

630
00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:34,800
Speaker 2: not ever underestimate the importance of a gym community. You know,

631
00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:40,880
Speaker 2: this is men, women, partners, you know, getting out and

632
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:46,680
Speaker 2: putting their health, their mindset, and their emotions into into

633
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:53,360
Speaker 2: a community, into a location, and into people that ultimately

634
00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:57,400
Speaker 2: can can better better you as an individual. Therefore bettering

635
00:33:57,440 --> 00:33:59,560
Speaker 2: you will you will take that home to your family

636
00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:02,040
Speaker 2: life were better. You know, that will rub off on

637
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:05,680
Speaker 2: your family members, rub off on your children. I think

638
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:11,520
Speaker 2: it's the single most important community outside your immediate family. Yeah,

639
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:14,560
Speaker 2: because it is so important and it's so important to

640
00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:16,239
Speaker 2: get it right. You know, don't just go with the

641
00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:18,799
Speaker 2: first gym or the first you know, just just you

642
00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:21,719
Speaker 2: know you'll find that circle. You're like, you just said there,

643
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:24,080
Speaker 2: which made put a smile on my face. You went,

644
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:26,880
Speaker 2: they just welcomed me with open arm. You know they

645
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,359
Speaker 2: were there. You know, it just it just felt when

646
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:31,320
Speaker 2: it feels right, it feels good.

647
00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:32,000
Speaker 4: Yeah.

648
00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:34,319
Speaker 5: Some of my best friends are the people that I

649
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:39,160
Speaker 5: met on that first day going into that gym, and oh, Neil,

650
00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:41,480
Speaker 5: what would unfold from that?

651
00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:42,080
Speaker 4: Oh you all?

652
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:47,640
Speaker 5: The now I've got me on strap the I sell

653
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,680
Speaker 5: across world and it allows other people like me to

654
00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:55,680
Speaker 5: be able to lift and don't pull ups. And you know,

655
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:57,640
Speaker 5: if if something had told me that at the time,

656
00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:00,880
Speaker 5: I would have never believed them. But it weren't done

657
00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:04,920
Speaker 5: just from me while the community. You know, when I

658
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:08,759
Speaker 5: did start lifting, it was one of my good friends, guys,

659
00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:13,280
Speaker 5: fire officer. He cut some straps out of fire engine

660
00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 5: seat belt.

661
00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:17,000
Speaker 4: This is right low. We're gonna get the easy goo

662
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:21,520
Speaker 4: wrap and round bar bell and all that. But by

663
00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:23,719
Speaker 4: their nature and they can lift a lot of weight.

664
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,960
Speaker 5: So they kept growing and mea were black, were rules in.

665
00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:31,160
Speaker 5: So one of other members you were a plumber, So

666
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:34,160
Speaker 5: he made like a padded thing to put on barre

667
00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:36,920
Speaker 5: bell and that's how we worked with that for a while.

668
00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:40,920
Speaker 3: The plumber, the fireman. This is what the community is

669
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:41,480
Speaker 3: all about.

670
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:46,680
Speaker 2: This is just the epitome of community, you know, just

671
00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:49,800
Speaker 2: being there for each other, figuring things out, you know,

672
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 2: trial and error, you know, but just just being there

673
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,920
Speaker 2: and coming up with different different scenarios for different solutions

674
00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:00,320
Speaker 2: and different problems solving. Did it teach you make you

675
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:04,360
Speaker 2: realize first and foremost that you had a disability, but

676
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:08,560
Speaker 2: also teach you to accept it. It sounds like this journey,

677
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:13,240
Speaker 2: or this CrossFit journey, had such a such a positive

678
00:36:13,320 --> 00:36:17,680
Speaker 2: effect on what I called the trilogy, the physical, the psychological,

679
00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:21,640
Speaker 2: and the emotional aspects of who we are. And you

680
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:23,960
Speaker 2: said you didn't realize you had a disability until CrossFit.

681
00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:27,520
Speaker 2: But did it teach you to accept that you had

682
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:30,400
Speaker 2: a disability and no matter what, you were just going

683
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:30,840
Speaker 2: to push on.

684
00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:32,759
Speaker 4: Yeah? It did, And.

685
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:36,960
Speaker 5: Initially I didn't accept, to my detriment, so I ended

686
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,440
Speaker 5: up very injured because I wanted to do everything exactly

687
00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:41,719
Speaker 5: the same as everybody else, and that were never going

688
00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:42,120
Speaker 5: to happen.

689
00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:43,359
Speaker 4: Yeah.

690
00:36:43,520 --> 00:36:48,600
Speaker 5: I entered a competition and I remember photos coming back.

691
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:50,719
Speaker 4: I was so naive. Well, I didn't know. I've never

692
00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:51,480
Speaker 4: been to a competition.

693
00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:53,000
Speaker 5: I didn't know I was going to be in videographers

694
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:56,280
Speaker 5: there and people taking photos and stuff.

695
00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:59,800
Speaker 4: So why not saying this photo? It?

696
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:03,400
Speaker 5: Well like somebody just punishment face because it were me

697
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:07,400
Speaker 5: with me I'm out, and I'd staged on the photos

698
00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:09,320
Speaker 5: before all that, So I didn't.

699
00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,319
Speaker 4: The photos douk so when I saw that.

700
00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:17,520
Speaker 5: Or mortified that that's what I looked like because I've

701
00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:22,480
Speaker 5: not seen myself like that. So that's where the journey

702
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:24,239
Speaker 5: of acceptance started.

703
00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:26,719
Speaker 3: Have you fully accepted it? Yeah?

704
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:31,359
Speaker 4: I like to say I've accepted it, but I don't

705
00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:34,560
Speaker 4: like it. I'm working on that.

706
00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:37,800
Speaker 2: But then these photos that come out do you not

707
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:40,200
Speaker 2: just does it? Does it not give you that sort

708
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:43,879
Speaker 2: of average of things where you just think to yourself, God,

709
00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:48,160
Speaker 2: do you know, there's there's very few of me that's

710
00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:52,239
Speaker 2: courageous enough and brave enough to accept who I am

711
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:55,200
Speaker 2: and to get up in front and to compete in

712
00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:59,160
Speaker 2: front of hundreds of people, knowing that the CrossFit industry

713
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:06,320
Speaker 2: is so big, huge that one video goes to you know,

714
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:09,440
Speaker 2: one hundred thousand people that someone's following, that goes to

715
00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:12,799
Speaker 2: the two million people that someone's following, that it would

716
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,760
Speaker 2: do the rounds, and that you would represent the sport

717
00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:19,120
Speaker 2: in such a proud manner where people go, look, if

718
00:38:19,239 --> 00:38:21,920
Speaker 2: Louise can do it, and she's up there competing with

719
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:24,640
Speaker 2: the best, then you know, then it sort of opens

720
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 2: up the floodgates to all the people that had the

721
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,920
Speaker 2: same mindset as you, as I'm not good enough, I

722
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:35,960
Speaker 2: can't do this, therefore I won't. And they don't commit

723
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:39,279
Speaker 2: in life, they stay stagnant and they live life on autopilot.

724
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:43,280
Speaker 5: Yeah, and that's why I'm really really trying. And actually

725
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:48,080
Speaker 5: I've got a motivational talk till a week of Sunday,

726
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,000
Speaker 5: and I've committed to myself and I've made the promise

727
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:54,000
Speaker 5: to myself up on social media, so I can't get

728
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:56,359
Speaker 5: out of it that I will. I will be wearing

729
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:58,920
Speaker 5: a dress and man will be out because I've covered

730
00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:01,759
Speaker 5: meam and on the other one. And that's been done

731
00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:05,360
Speaker 5: intentionally because I know that when any photos or videos come.

732
00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:06,719
Speaker 4: Back, I'll just ali hate it.

733
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:10,000
Speaker 5: But it's really it's really important for me as well

734
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:15,480
Speaker 5: to be honest because from my honesty, from me saying I.

735
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:16,960
Speaker 4: Don't like me, I know why.

736
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:19,279
Speaker 5: I know there's a lot of shame stigma attached to it.

737
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:24,399
Speaker 5: There's also hundreds of thousands of other people that feel

738
00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,960
Speaker 5: same but don't feel like that. They can't say that

739
00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:32,399
Speaker 5: because that's not what we say. What we should say is, yeah,

740
00:39:32,560 --> 00:39:36,919
Speaker 5: I love it, it makes me different. I don't feel

741
00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:40,000
Speaker 5: like that, So it's really important to me, and it

742
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:43,000
Speaker 5: has opened some wonderful conversations with.

743
00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:45,000
Speaker 4: People that are like me.

744
00:39:46,480 --> 00:39:50,600
Speaker 5: I had a lady message yesterday and she uncovered her

745
00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:53,080
Speaker 5: around for the first time in her gym space.

746
00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:55,960
Speaker 4: And that she's similar age to me.

747
00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:58,640
Speaker 3: Yes, that's probably because because of you.

748
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:02,480
Speaker 2: You definitely leading the wave now, whether you like it

749
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:06,560
Speaker 2: or not, you are in that position now of inspiration,

750
00:40:06,719 --> 00:40:10,920
Speaker 2: of motivation, of aspiration where you know, even if you

751
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:14,200
Speaker 2: affect one person, which you haven't, you've affected and I've

752
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,600
Speaker 2: seen it thousands of people since you know that video

753
00:40:16,719 --> 00:40:20,160
Speaker 2: went viral of yourself talking about in my book The

754
00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:24,839
Speaker 2: Fear Bubble. It's it's just like, Wow, you've just you've

755
00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:26,879
Speaker 2: just blown the cast get off and you've gone from

756
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:28,960
Speaker 2: I'm not going to say from you. You were never

757
00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:32,440
Speaker 2: not hero, but you've gone from zero to hero in

758
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:37,480
Speaker 2: tens of thousands of people's minds. So, you know, is

759
00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:41,000
Speaker 2: that something that that you realize that you that you

760
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:43,600
Speaker 2: do or is it is it something that you still

761
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:45,120
Speaker 2: struggle with now?

762
00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:49,880
Speaker 5: I think so as you just mentioned the book The

763
00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:54,360
Speaker 5: Fear Bubble and as a talk about on my motivational target,

764
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:55,319
Speaker 5: is the book that's said in my.

765
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:56,560
Speaker 4: Life so thank you for that.

766
00:40:57,120 --> 00:40:58,719
Speaker 3: So take me back to when you got when you

767
00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:00,439
Speaker 3: got the fear? But how did that come? Of course

768
00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:03,120
Speaker 3: your desk as such, where did that come about?

769
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:04,520
Speaker 4: So I.

770
00:41:06,239 --> 00:41:08,400
Speaker 5: Were at a weightlifting class and I think, you know

771
00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:10,920
Speaker 5: the guy, I know, you've worked with him, Ben keears

772
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:15,400
Speaker 5: he worked for Night. Yeah, so Ben saw one of

773
00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:17,520
Speaker 5: my videos and reached out and asked me, see if

774
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:19,560
Speaker 5: i'd do a shoot for Nike.

775
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:24,040
Speaker 4: Initially I said no, no, I can't do that. So

776
00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:26,160
Speaker 4: I didn't want to speak because.

777
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:29,000
Speaker 5: I was still really anxious, really shy, and they were like, no,

778
00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:30,359
Speaker 5: come on, come on, come down.

779
00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:33,080
Speaker 4: So I went down. And that's the first like kind.

780
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:35,320
Speaker 5: Of big thing that I've done, even going to London.

781
00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:36,680
Speaker 4: So I went down and.

782
00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 5: I were absolutely scared to death, but it would still

783
00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:44,680
Speaker 5: be one of the best days of my life because

784
00:41:44,719 --> 00:41:46,840
Speaker 5: from that day I just thought I'd always wanted to

785
00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:48,280
Speaker 5: do something in sport.

786
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:50,760
Speaker 4: I were good at sport at school.

787
00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:53,600
Speaker 5: But I thought, do you know, if Nike believe in me,

788
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:56,879
Speaker 5: then I've got to believe in myself. So I signed

789
00:41:56,920 --> 00:41:59,080
Speaker 5: up for a PT course on the Monday when I

790
00:41:59,160 --> 00:41:59,560
Speaker 5: got back.

791
00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:02,360
Speaker 4: But that's when.

792
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:06,480
Speaker 5: I stopped going to a CrossFit box. A couple of

793
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:10,760
Speaker 5: months after that, the relationship with the coach went wayward

794
00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:15,800
Speaker 5: and I left CrossFit in the December. I went to

795
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:17,960
Speaker 5: a Nike and April left cross Fit in December, and

796
00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:21,560
Speaker 5: I had a breakdown. And I think that would because

797
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:25,160
Speaker 5: I was leaving a community that in my mind had

798
00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:29,480
Speaker 5: fixed help helped to fix my mental health, and the

799
00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:31,240
Speaker 5: community aspect of things.

800
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:31,840
Speaker 4: For me were massive.

801
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:33,960
Speaker 5: I felt like I was leaving a family and I

802
00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:38,799
Speaker 5: was devastated. And yeah, I had a breakdown. So I'd

803
00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:43,680
Speaker 5: ordered fearable, just supposed to help.

804
00:42:44,360 --> 00:42:45,200
Speaker 4: With a mindset.

805
00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:50,000
Speaker 5: But one of the days I was bad, it would

806
00:42:50,040 --> 00:42:52,560
Speaker 5: be worse staying that day, I was going to kill himself.

807
00:42:53,719 --> 00:42:56,279
Speaker 5: I'd planned it, like I said, I'd rang my friend

808
00:42:56,440 --> 00:43:00,520
Speaker 5: up and I'd asked her to get girls bits for

809
00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:03,319
Speaker 5: their birthdays and Christmas, because I knew the dad would

810
00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:06,600
Speaker 5: get a big present, but I wanted them travel the

811
00:43:06,640 --> 00:43:08,760
Speaker 5: little bits, because that's what's special to little.

812
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,759
Speaker 4: Girls, I think. And she said, we're on the bar,

813
00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:13,239
Speaker 4: just let me know that.

814
00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:14,920
Speaker 5: You'll get the bit said, and I've been out and

815
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:16,680
Speaker 5: I've got the cards. And I wrote all the cards

816
00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:20,280
Speaker 5: when they were older, and I were in my dining

817
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:24,080
Speaker 5: room and I were rocking like quite monically, and I

818
00:43:24,239 --> 00:43:26,520
Speaker 5: just I just think I didn't get it. I didn't

819
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:30,040
Speaker 5: get point to life with just no point the better

820
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:33,479
Speaker 5: off way art because I'm still pain and I'd ordered

821
00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:37,640
Speaker 5: the fee on top of me. Sety, I'm back, and

822
00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:39,680
Speaker 5: I don't know why. I just stopped rocking and I

823
00:43:39,719 --> 00:43:41,879
Speaker 5: went and picked it up. And it was the part

824
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:46,520
Speaker 5: where you talk about the corridor in the top of

825
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:48,480
Speaker 5: that corridor and you've got to open them doors and

826
00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:49,200
Speaker 5: throw them doors.

827
00:43:49,239 --> 00:43:49,680
Speaker 4: It's fear.

828
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:51,920
Speaker 5: And then once you conquer that feed, I'll go through

829
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:54,520
Speaker 5: again and then there'll be some mafia and marfia and

830
00:43:54,640 --> 00:43:57,840
Speaker 5: I live and breathe that still every.

831
00:43:57,719 --> 00:43:59,520
Speaker 3: Year, I said, a series of commitments.

832
00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:01,800
Speaker 2: That's all it is. You're never going to get to

833
00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:05,239
Speaker 2: the destination. It's it's just opening up that door. That's

834
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:09,120
Speaker 2: that's a commitment. You know you're there, bang, you know

835
00:44:09,239 --> 00:44:11,840
Speaker 2: you bank it, you learn from it, you grow from it,

836
00:44:11,960 --> 00:44:14,399
Speaker 2: and then you know you take that deep breath again

837
00:44:14,440 --> 00:44:16,920
Speaker 2: and you commit again to the next door. You know

838
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:20,120
Speaker 2: that door might might lead to a corridor with multiple doors.

839
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:22,279
Speaker 2: You never know the opportunities is going to and that

840
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:26,240
Speaker 2: all comes from committing to to fear, committing to your fears,

841
00:44:27,719 --> 00:44:31,600
Speaker 2: and it's it's something. It's a process that I always

842
00:44:31,719 --> 00:44:36,200
Speaker 2: go through. And it's my favorite book that of it

843
00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:41,160
Speaker 2: because it's it's so emotional, you know, it conquers emotional

844
00:44:41,239 --> 00:44:44,440
Speaker 2: intelligence and it makes you understand it and go through

845
00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:48,800
Speaker 2: your own process and to hear that and to and

846
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:55,160
Speaker 2: to see it in action, especially from your story, and

847
00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:57,480
Speaker 2: for you to actually put it into practice and realize

848
00:44:57,480 --> 00:44:58,640
Speaker 2: that it works right.

849
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:01,040
Speaker 3: The bubble is, is it works right?

850
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:02,920
Speaker 5: Like every year, I said to myself and we to

851
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:05,920
Speaker 5: do something that really scares me because if.

852
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:09,399
Speaker 4: Not, I'm not growing. So I need to find something else.

853
00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:12,840
Speaker 5: Actually this year because I did my first motivational speech

854
00:45:13,239 --> 00:45:16,719
Speaker 5: in January and I never this time last year. I

855
00:45:16,719 --> 00:45:18,840
Speaker 5: would have never thought I'd dare do anything like that.

856
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:21,360
Speaker 5: And it was amazing. I loved it.

857
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:23,560
Speaker 3: We was there just a switch in your mind?

858
00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:24,319
Speaker 4: Yeah?

859
00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:26,279
Speaker 5: Because I thought to myself as well at that time,

860
00:45:26,440 --> 00:45:30,399
Speaker 5: I've got nothing to show, like if I died, when

861
00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:32,880
Speaker 5: I thought what am I going to be remembered by?

862
00:45:34,360 --> 00:45:36,640
Speaker 4: What? So the only person that.

863
00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:40,800
Speaker 5: Could change that with myself, I wanted to leave a

864
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:45,480
Speaker 5: lasting legacy and I wanted to leave something in people

865
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:46,720
Speaker 5: and not for people.

866
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:53,280
Speaker 4: So what I can do is inspire people.

867
00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:57,240
Speaker 5: I can motivate people. I'm very good at reading people,

868
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:01,680
Speaker 5: so I can help them in that sense. So that's

869
00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:02,880
Speaker 5: kind of been a mission.

870
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:04,680
Speaker 3: Really, do you know what, Louise.

871
00:46:04,719 --> 00:46:07,439
Speaker 2: I love what you just said there, and I've got

872
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:11,600
Speaker 2: to repeat it. I want to leave something in people,

873
00:46:12,719 --> 00:46:18,400
Speaker 2: not for people. That is a powerful statement. That's just

874
00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:24,080
Speaker 2: just run true to me because I always say to people,

875
00:46:24,320 --> 00:46:26,440
Speaker 2: all I want to do is leave the best version

876
00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:30,239
Speaker 2: of myself, you know, so you can use that to

877
00:46:30,360 --> 00:46:32,839
Speaker 2: become a better version of who you are. And it's

878
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:36,480
Speaker 2: really good that you are thinking like that because ultimately,

879
00:46:36,800 --> 00:46:40,200
Speaker 2: then your whole journey, your whole purpose of what you're

880
00:46:40,239 --> 00:46:45,719
Speaker 2: doing now, it has a purpose, and that's all we

881
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:48,239
Speaker 2: can do is leave behind, you know, something to put

882
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:48,799
Speaker 2: into people.

883
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:52,080
Speaker 3: I love that, Louise. Wow, that's amazing.

884
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:56,960
Speaker 5: I certainly think I definitely have something on my grace

885
00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:00,280
Speaker 5: done that, but I don't make a lot of decisions.

886
00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:00,840
Speaker 4: Met the.

887
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:02,800
Speaker 3: Graves.

888
00:47:03,280 --> 00:47:03,480
Speaker 5: Yeah.

889
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:07,880
Speaker 2: So Louise, then you you so you have this, you

890
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:12,080
Speaker 2: have this mindset switch and you start to believing yourself again,

891
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:12,360
Speaker 2: don't you.

892
00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:14,280
Speaker 4: Yeah, And it's.

893
00:47:14,160 --> 00:47:17,680
Speaker 5: Almost like I've had it on like two separate occasions,

894
00:47:17,719 --> 00:47:19,120
Speaker 5: as though I've got to switch on my back and

895
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 5: some you've switched it and then I'm just able to

896
00:47:21,719 --> 00:47:22,840
Speaker 5: feel something different.

897
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,320
Speaker 4: I remember being at I don't know if you know

898
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:29,400
Speaker 4: of WIT it's in London, whatever.

899
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:31,040
Speaker 3: Its Yeah, yep, I do. Yeah.

900
00:47:31,719 --> 00:47:31,919
Speaker 4: Yeah.

901
00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:34,000
Speaker 5: So again I've got a lot to thank and guys

902
00:47:34,080 --> 00:47:38,600
Speaker 5: far they're still championing me to this day. Dan Williams

903
00:47:38,719 --> 00:47:40,759
Speaker 5: is a great guy. But I was at one of

904
00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:44,320
Speaker 5: their events and I remember going downstairs and speaking to

905
00:47:44,400 --> 00:47:48,560
Speaker 5: Dan and saying, I feel like, for the first time,

906
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:52,719
Speaker 5: I've spread me in different wings and i feel like

907
00:47:52,760 --> 00:47:53,280
Speaker 5: I'm flying.

908
00:47:54,520 --> 00:47:56,880
Speaker 4: It was such a wonderful feeling to think and it

909
00:47:58,040 --> 00:48:00,840
Speaker 4: it was the switch that I.

910
00:48:00,960 --> 00:48:05,200
Speaker 5: Weren't bothered what people thought, and Emma, because I was

911
00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:10,080
Speaker 5: so bothered by what people thought, m hm, and yeah,

912
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:10,840
Speaker 5: that that switch.

913
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:12,000
Speaker 4: We're a wonderful switch.

914
00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:15,360
Speaker 2: I very much see the the this switch, you know,

915
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:18,000
Speaker 2: the switched on sort of Louise Hawkins. And I'm not

916
00:48:18,080 --> 00:48:20,840
Speaker 2: saying that we don't have our bad moments, because we

917
00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:24,600
Speaker 2: do absolutely And you know, these these moments you actually

918
00:48:24,640 --> 00:48:26,560
Speaker 2: need to take a step back, you need to experience,

919
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:28,799
Speaker 2: you know, the darkness to see the light as long

920
00:48:28,840 --> 00:48:31,200
Speaker 2: as it's just in that moment and you can come

921
00:48:31,239 --> 00:48:34,680
Speaker 2: out of it very quick. But I see this strong,

922
00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:41,000
Speaker 2: you know, sort of independent and confident lady. What you're

923
00:48:41,040 --> 00:48:45,320
Speaker 2: doing ultimately is you've sort of you know, bounced onto

924
00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:51,279
Speaker 2: the scene as now this inspirational figure. What does it

925
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:54,080
Speaker 2: feel like to be Louise Hawkins, the you know, the

926
00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:58,320
Speaker 2: the inspiration, you know, that the lady that shows the

927
00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:01,279
Speaker 2: world that that nothing is impossible if you, if you

928
00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:04,960
Speaker 2: put your mind to it, because that's you, that's you.

929
00:49:05,920 --> 00:49:09,160
Speaker 5: And it feels like hard to accept that still, but

930
00:49:10,120 --> 00:49:14,560
Speaker 5: it feels surreal. I feel like I'm living someone else's

931
00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:18,440
Speaker 5: life for a little while, and but.

932
00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:20,280
Speaker 4: It just keeps growing.

933
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:25,840
Speaker 5: So yeah, it feels surreal, but it feels exciting and

934
00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:28,400
Speaker 5: it feels all kind so wonderful.

935
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:33,680
Speaker 2: Well you should be excited, Louise, because I was super

936
00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:38,120
Speaker 2: excited to have you on, had such a great conversation

937
00:49:39,400 --> 00:49:42,120
Speaker 2: and again I see you heading for the stars nowhere else.

938
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 3: How important is it to commit to your fears.

939
00:49:48,440 --> 00:49:52,000
Speaker 5: It's brought me everything that I've got on that I

940
00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:55,160
Speaker 5: am today. And I think understanding why for me or

941
00:49:55,320 --> 00:49:57,439
Speaker 5: a big thing, understanding why.

942
00:49:57,360 --> 00:50:02,440
Speaker 4: I do what I do, why I act or acted

943
00:50:02,920 --> 00:50:03,560
Speaker 4: as I did.

944
00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:06,880
Speaker 5: And understanding that because everybody wants to know how do

945
00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:11,560
Speaker 5: you get confident? It's understanding that confidence is not feelings.

946
00:50:12,120 --> 00:50:15,520
Speaker 4: It comes from action. And we can all share quotes

947
00:50:15,600 --> 00:50:21,480
Speaker 4: until a blowing face, but if we don't action, there.

948
00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:22,560
Speaker 5: Must still be in exactly the same position as we

949
00:50:22,640 --> 00:50:26,440
Speaker 5: work the year before and previous year. So when I

950
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:28,480
Speaker 5: share a quote, it's because there's something in there that

951
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:32,160
Speaker 5: I truly believe, and if I've not actioned it before,

952
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:34,480
Speaker 5: I will action it even though it'll probably hurt me

953
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:37,120
Speaker 5: tummy and I'll still be scared to death, but I'm

954
00:50:37,160 --> 00:50:40,640
Speaker 5: going to do it anyway because through doing things anyway,

955
00:50:40,880 --> 00:50:43,240
Speaker 5: through fear, that's what's brought the confidence.

956
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:49,640
Speaker 2: Love it, Louise, Louise, And one final question, what is

957
00:50:49,960 --> 00:50:52,680
Speaker 2: next for Louise Hawkins?

958
00:50:53,080 --> 00:50:56,720
Speaker 5: Accept motivational speaking, just started that and then just started

959
00:50:56,760 --> 00:51:00,960
Speaker 5: a new company which is called two three, and that's

960
00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:05,480
Speaker 5: looking at neuroscience brain body connection and helping people to

961
00:51:05,840 --> 00:51:09,120
Speaker 5: realize and recognize that the life can be much better

962
00:51:09,360 --> 00:51:12,279
Speaker 5: if we're in a karma bodily state. I'm looking at

963
00:51:12,280 --> 00:51:15,600
Speaker 5: as nervous system. So it's just everything that I've done

964
00:51:16,200 --> 00:51:19,279
Speaker 5: in terms of resetting myself in order to be able

965
00:51:19,320 --> 00:51:21,640
Speaker 5: to do what I do now and wanting to take

966
00:51:21,719 --> 00:51:27,480
Speaker 5: that into schools and education providers and corporate just because

967
00:51:27,920 --> 00:51:32,360
Speaker 5: we're live in such a noisy, disregulated world and a

968
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:37,640
Speaker 5: karma world with a few more pauses would be yeah,

969
00:51:37,800 --> 00:51:39,279
Speaker 5: much happier space to live in.

970
00:51:39,440 --> 00:51:39,960
Speaker 4: For us all.

971
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:46,480
Speaker 2: Louise, from a Savannah to a Norvna, It's been an

972
00:51:46,560 --> 00:51:51,520
Speaker 2: absolute pleasure. I've loved talking with you and I will

973
00:51:51,560 --> 00:51:56,600
Speaker 2: continue to follow your journey with a hawk eye, which

974
00:51:56,640 --> 00:51:59,200
Speaker 2: I do anyway. Thank you ever so much for coming

975
00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:01,520
Speaker 2: on my love and positivity.

976
00:52:02,160 --> 00:52:05,840
Speaker 4: Thanks for coming on, Thank you for having me pleasure.

977
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:10,120
Speaker 2: You can find more from Louise Hawkins on her Instagram page.

978
00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:13,680
Speaker 2: I'll put the details in the show notes. Thanks for

979
00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:16,360
Speaker 2: joining me on this episode of head Game. If you

980
00:52:16,480 --> 00:52:19,360
Speaker 2: enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend.

981
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:22,920
Speaker 3: I'm am Middleton. Catch you next time.