1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:16,441 Speaker 1: Appoche production. She rises Twelve Days of Christmas. 2 00:00:16,841 --> 00:00:18,961 Speaker 2: Welcome back to Twelve Days of Christmas with Ashley and 3 00:00:19,041 --> 00:00:20,201 Speaker 2: Tiana Ho Ho Ho. 4 00:00:22,281 --> 00:00:23,441 Speaker 3: This is day five. 5 00:00:23,561 --> 00:00:23,721 Speaker 4: Now. 6 00:00:23,761 --> 00:00:26,161 Speaker 2: If you've missed up until now, Twelve Days of Christmas 7 00:00:26,201 --> 00:00:28,321 Speaker 2: is your twelve day glow up before Christmas. This is 8 00:00:28,401 --> 00:00:32,681 Speaker 2: really all about accountability, stretching yourself, having those uncomfortable conversations 9 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:35,721 Speaker 2: with yourself so that you can become the best, most 10 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,040 Speaker 2: authentic version of yourself before Christmas. 11 00:00:37,801 --> 00:00:40,961 Speaker 1: Hit most authentic. We're throwing red people pleasing, We're throwing 12 00:00:41,001 --> 00:00:44,601 Speaker 1: away the blame game. We're throwing away overgiving yourself just 13 00:00:44,641 --> 00:00:47,921 Speaker 1: so you can be at peace, actually enjoy yourself without 14 00:00:47,961 --> 00:00:51,640 Speaker 1: overextending or having built up resentment. In all these conversations, 15 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,521 Speaker 1: they're really deep, but they're very important. 16 00:00:53,561 --> 00:00:55,521 Speaker 3: They're going to stretch you. It's going to feel uncomfortable. 17 00:00:55,601 --> 00:00:57,441 Speaker 2: We encourage you to come in with an open mind 18 00:00:57,481 --> 00:00:59,601 Speaker 2: and if you feel triggered by anything, write it down. 19 00:00:59,721 --> 00:01:01,201 Speaker 3: This is for your ultimate growth. Okay. 20 00:01:01,441 --> 00:01:04,681 Speaker 2: Today's episode is called leaving Heartbreak under the Tree. Why 21 00:01:04,721 --> 00:01:07,280 Speaker 2: you don't need closure to move on? Oh? 22 00:01:07,361 --> 00:01:09,521 Speaker 1: This one. Honestly, when we were talking about this and 23 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,840 Speaker 1: planning this episode, it was quite triggering because I really 24 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:16,720 Speaker 1: learned how much I really need closure to let go 25 00:01:16,761 --> 00:01:20,321 Speaker 1: of something I really struggle to not understand. I love 26 00:01:20,401 --> 00:01:22,280 Speaker 1: understanding human psychology. I want to know why people are 27 00:01:22,321 --> 00:01:23,921 Speaker 1: doing what they're doing. I want to know their behaviors, 28 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,881 Speaker 1: want to know their child. I want to understand it 29 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,441 Speaker 1: because then it helps you have compassion. It does it 30 00:01:28,441 --> 00:01:30,600 Speaker 1: helps you close the door unplugg a little bit easier. 31 00:01:30,601 --> 00:01:33,001 Speaker 1: But if you're just left in the lurch, you're always 32 00:01:33,081 --> 00:01:34,920 Speaker 1: questioning things, and then you have to make up a 33 00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:38,920 Speaker 1: story or assume something. And I've really struggled with this. Obviously, 34 00:01:38,961 --> 00:01:40,361 Speaker 1: I've been with Steve for seventeen years, so it's not 35 00:01:40,441 --> 00:01:43,761 Speaker 1: an intimate relationship, but it's more friendships. When I don't 36 00:01:43,761 --> 00:01:45,761 Speaker 1: have an answer as to why the friendships ended, and 37 00:01:45,801 --> 00:01:48,841 Speaker 1: whether it's just grown apart or whether something's particular has happened, 38 00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:52,001 Speaker 1: or there's no communication at all, I'm like, but why 39 00:01:52,761 --> 00:01:53,481 Speaker 1: did I do something? 40 00:01:53,561 --> 00:01:54,241 Speaker 4: Did you do something? 41 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,281 Speaker 1: Like? I get in my head so much and it's 42 00:01:56,281 --> 00:01:58,761 Speaker 1: so consuming, and I'm an anxious girlly in friendships and 43 00:01:59,081 --> 00:02:00,881 Speaker 1: I'm a love girl and I wear the heart of 44 00:02:00,881 --> 00:02:03,161 Speaker 1: my sleeve, and I valued friendships my whole life and 45 00:02:03,281 --> 00:02:05,361 Speaker 1: friends are so important to me, so I I really 46 00:02:05,401 --> 00:02:07,961 Speaker 1: struggled to have closure, But I think it's really this 47 00:02:08,041 --> 00:02:10,881 Speaker 1: last year, I've just learned that you're not always going 48 00:02:10,961 --> 00:02:12,881 Speaker 1: to get the answers you want, and whether you get 49 00:02:12,921 --> 00:02:15,601 Speaker 1: closure or not, it's still up to you to just 50 00:02:15,841 --> 00:02:20,001 Speaker 1: come into acceptance. If you fully trust in the universe 51 00:02:20,161 --> 00:02:21,841 Speaker 1: being ten steps ahead of you and having a plan, 52 00:02:22,361 --> 00:02:24,641 Speaker 1: you just have to accept that what has happened and 53 00:02:24,761 --> 00:02:27,481 Speaker 1: know that wherever they're at and what they're experiencing is 54 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,841 Speaker 1: their stuff, and maybe they don't have the capacity, they 55 00:02:29,841 --> 00:02:31,721 Speaker 1: don't know how to communicate that don't want to communicate, 56 00:02:31,761 --> 00:02:33,561 Speaker 1: that's fine, that's their choice, They're. 57 00:02:33,401 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 4: Allowed to do that. 58 00:02:34,561 --> 00:02:37,281 Speaker 1: All you can focus on is accepting what's happened, how 59 00:02:37,281 --> 00:02:39,801 Speaker 1: it's happened, And all you can do and control is 60 00:02:39,841 --> 00:02:42,321 Speaker 1: focus on how you move forward. And it sounds so 61 00:02:42,401 --> 00:02:45,881 Speaker 1: much easier than done. But I just wish I understood 62 00:02:45,921 --> 00:02:48,361 Speaker 1: this more five years ago, because I think it wouldn't 63 00:02:48,361 --> 00:02:50,400 Speaker 1: have dragged on my grief as long as what it had, 64 00:02:50,441 --> 00:02:52,681 Speaker 1: I would have been not questioning everything or trying to 65 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,681 Speaker 1: make things work. It just would have been acceptance of 66 00:02:54,721 --> 00:02:57,561 Speaker 1: like this is drifted apart for whatever reason you know. 67 00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,481 Speaker 1: In hindsight, it's a beautiful thing. I can look back 68 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:02,041 Speaker 1: on everything now and be like, Oh, that had to happen. 69 00:03:02,201 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 1: Wouldn't be here without it, or I wouldn't have learned 70 00:03:04,001 --> 00:03:05,921 Speaker 1: that really hard lesson can see where I needed to 71 00:03:05,921 --> 00:03:08,441 Speaker 1: show up better. I can take responsibility for how I 72 00:03:08,441 --> 00:03:12,121 Speaker 1: communicate or how I didn't communicate. Hindsight's beautiful. I just 73 00:03:12,161 --> 00:03:14,681 Speaker 1: want anyone listening who wants the closure as to why 74 00:03:14,721 --> 00:03:16,921 Speaker 1: their partner's left, or why their partner cheated, or why 75 00:03:16,921 --> 00:03:19,561 Speaker 1: that friendship goes to them, or why they got five 76 00:03:19,561 --> 00:03:22,240 Speaker 1: from that job with no explanation, that you're not always 77 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:23,121 Speaker 1: going to get your answers. 78 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:23,960 Speaker 4: And the longer you. 79 00:03:23,921 --> 00:03:27,001 Speaker 1: Hold onto it and try to find the answers, it 80 00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:29,441 Speaker 1: just gets bigger on your head, and it's so frustrating. 81 00:03:29,481 --> 00:03:31,041 Speaker 1: If you can just take a breath in your body 82 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,321 Speaker 1: and just literally say to yourself, I accept that this 83 00:03:34,361 --> 00:03:36,841 Speaker 1: is what's happened. I accept that they can't meet me, 84 00:03:36,881 --> 00:03:39,361 Speaker 1: they can't have the conversation. All I can do now 85 00:03:39,441 --> 00:03:41,641 Speaker 1: is meet myself, be there for myself and moved through this. 86 00:03:42,041 --> 00:03:43,841 Speaker 1: You can let them go with love. And once I've 87 00:03:43,841 --> 00:03:46,561 Speaker 1: done that, I think of like an energetic unplug. You 88 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,641 Speaker 1: need to think you plug your phone into the wall 89 00:03:48,961 --> 00:03:52,281 Speaker 1: when you're plugged into someone, like cutting that cord, unplugging 90 00:03:52,361 --> 00:03:54,961 Speaker 1: from them. I think visually for me, I like that 91 00:03:55,081 --> 00:03:56,841 Speaker 1: because once I've unplugged from them, I can like let 92 00:03:56,921 --> 00:03:59,961 Speaker 1: them float away. Go to a very person, a very 93 00:04:00,041 --> 00:04:02,321 Speaker 1: visual person. I did a I think it's a meditation 94 00:04:02,441 --> 00:04:05,001 Speaker 1: actually with Tailor, my old coach, and it was around 95 00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:07,281 Speaker 1: my stepdad, maybe about. 96 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:07,681 Speaker 4: Two years ago. 97 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,881 Speaker 1: I just had this urge to reach out to him. 98 00:04:11,161 --> 00:04:13,241 Speaker 1: I didn't know why, and anyway, we ended up doing 99 00:04:13,281 --> 00:04:17,921 Speaker 1: this meditation and there was a big visualization of meeting him, 100 00:04:18,201 --> 00:04:21,681 Speaker 1: and then Taylor took the meditation to unplug from him 101 00:04:21,801 --> 00:04:25,320 Speaker 1: and let him float away. And after the meditation he said, Okay, 102 00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:26,761 Speaker 1: do you still want to reach out to him? 103 00:04:26,761 --> 00:04:29,080 Speaker 4: I was like, no, actually don't. Yeah. 104 00:04:29,201 --> 00:04:31,801 Speaker 1: I am with full acceptance that he was not my 105 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:35,601 Speaker 1: father obviously biologically yes, but he hasn't showed up my 106 00:04:35,641 --> 00:04:38,401 Speaker 1: whole life. So what do I need from him now 107 00:04:38,521 --> 00:04:41,361 Speaker 1: that I've never gotten before? And I let him go 108 00:04:41,401 --> 00:04:44,641 Speaker 1: with love, and I haven't had that urge since this curiosity, 109 00:04:44,961 --> 00:04:46,841 Speaker 1: but the anger and everything I was feeling of like 110 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:48,401 Speaker 1: the answers I didn't need to know, like why did 111 00:04:48,401 --> 00:04:49,841 Speaker 1: you leave, why did you not show up? Why was 112 00:04:49,841 --> 00:04:51,201 Speaker 1: it not good enough? Why would you take on three 113 00:04:51,241 --> 00:04:53,921 Speaker 1: other daughters? All those questions. I was like, I just 114 00:04:54,081 --> 00:04:57,080 Speaker 1: accept that was the path. And I literally visually in 115 00:04:57,081 --> 00:05:00,041 Speaker 1: the meditation, like saw him float away and disappeared. Happened 116 00:05:00,041 --> 00:05:03,801 Speaker 1: to Aahuascar my first ayauscar experience too. I cried and 117 00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:06,241 Speaker 1: cried and cried and having this vision it was my 118 00:05:06,361 --> 00:05:09,041 Speaker 1: real dad, my father, and then my stepdad came in 119 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,161 Speaker 1: and then they merged into one man. When I looked 120 00:05:12,161 --> 00:05:14,881 Speaker 1: at them, I could see both of them. His name's 121 00:05:14,921 --> 00:05:16,880 Speaker 1: Dean and Andrew, and I could see them both merged 122 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 1: into one. And then there was all these flames and 123 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,641 Speaker 1: I was crying, and then like they kind of like 124 00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:24,401 Speaker 1: disappeared out into the flames until I couldn't see them, 125 00:05:24,521 --> 00:05:26,401 Speaker 1: and there was like this moment my hand was kind 126 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,601 Speaker 1: of reaching out, but I couldn't grab them because the 127 00:05:28,601 --> 00:05:30,681 Speaker 1: fire was there. And then the fire faded out and 128 00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:33,201 Speaker 1: it was just gone, and it was like another let go, 129 00:05:33,961 --> 00:05:35,561 Speaker 1: like they're gone, They're not here for a reason. 130 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:37,121 Speaker 4: I was in full acceptance of that. 131 00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:40,361 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's cool, I love Ayahaska. Oh that's beautiful, that's 132 00:05:40,401 --> 00:05:41,921 Speaker 1: so cool. You don't need I ask you to have 133 00:05:42,001 --> 00:05:46,121 Speaker 1: that experience. But it's just the acceptance and surrendering to 134 00:05:46,241 --> 00:05:49,081 Speaker 1: what has happened and what is now. It's such a 135 00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:51,921 Speaker 1: form of self love for yourself. You stop putting yourself 136 00:05:51,961 --> 00:05:55,921 Speaker 1: through so much heartache and heartbreak. And assuming isn't great either, 137 00:05:55,961 --> 00:05:57,481 Speaker 1: because you can assume the worst of someone or you 138 00:05:57,481 --> 00:06:00,361 Speaker 1: can assume the best. And now I tried to assume 139 00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:02,721 Speaker 1: the best of someone. I assume that you know, they're 140 00:06:02,721 --> 00:06:04,521 Speaker 1: having a really hard time. They don't know how to communicate. 141 00:06:04,561 --> 00:06:05,281 Speaker 4: I know what that's like. 142 00:06:05,721 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 1: I know I've been times where I can't communicate. I'm 143 00:06:08,081 --> 00:06:10,961 Speaker 1: at full capacity. Maybe that's where they're at. I can 144 00:06:11,001 --> 00:06:14,001 Speaker 1: assume that, you know, they've got to focus on something else. 145 00:06:14,001 --> 00:06:16,121 Speaker 1: It's more important their life right now. I've also been 146 00:06:16,121 --> 00:06:18,561 Speaker 1: there before. I have compassion for that. I respect that 147 00:06:18,721 --> 00:06:20,841 Speaker 1: it's easier said than done. But this is what we 148 00:06:20,841 --> 00:06:22,761 Speaker 1: get to choose what we focus on. But yeah, it's 149 00:06:22,761 --> 00:06:25,401 Speaker 1: a really hard thing to navigate. I wanted to talk 150 00:06:25,401 --> 00:06:27,321 Speaker 1: about that because I never hear anyone talk about this. 151 00:06:27,561 --> 00:06:31,161 Speaker 2: So beautifully said yeah, I hope, so yeah, beautifully said. Honestly, 152 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,200 Speaker 2: it is a really hard thing, isn't it. It is easier 153 00:06:33,201 --> 00:06:35,080 Speaker 2: said than done when it comes to closure, but you 154 00:06:35,121 --> 00:06:38,001 Speaker 2: almost have to go through the thick of the pain 155 00:06:38,041 --> 00:06:39,761 Speaker 2: and the grief and like all of those things that 156 00:06:39,761 --> 00:06:41,801 Speaker 2: do come up, because like I know for myself that 157 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,880 Speaker 2: closure in the past hasn't been like a very linear thing, 158 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,281 Speaker 2: like you know, let's say for past relationship example, like 159 00:06:48,361 --> 00:06:51,721 Speaker 2: there were obviously that relationship wasn't something that I wanted 160 00:06:51,761 --> 00:06:54,041 Speaker 2: to end, like that was the vision that I had 161 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,601 Speaker 2: created for myself and for him, and like what I 162 00:06:56,681 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 2: thought we were creating was so different to the outcome 163 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:01,761 Speaker 2: that we ended up with. And whilst it was still 164 00:07:01,801 --> 00:07:05,401 Speaker 2: my choice to leave, it doesn't mean that the vision 165 00:07:05,401 --> 00:07:07,241 Speaker 2: that I created in my head wasn't still there. 166 00:07:07,641 --> 00:07:10,321 Speaker 3: Like that image in my head even now comes up. 167 00:07:10,241 --> 00:07:13,720 Speaker 2: For me now, and that like feeling like I needed closure, 168 00:07:13,761 --> 00:07:15,561 Speaker 2: Like I left because I was like I felt like 169 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,001 Speaker 2: I had nothing left in me. I felt like I 170 00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,321 Speaker 2: had no fight left in me for where we were 171 00:07:19,321 --> 00:07:21,961 Speaker 2: at in the relationship. But I still left feeling like 172 00:07:22,001 --> 00:07:25,081 Speaker 2: I needed closure because I couldn't wrap my head around 173 00:07:25,241 --> 00:07:27,321 Speaker 2: why I felt like it ended the way that it did, 174 00:07:27,761 --> 00:07:29,921 Speaker 2: and that it couldn't be what I wanted it to be. 175 00:07:30,201 --> 00:07:34,201 Speaker 2: Like I genuinely struggled with accepting that, you know, And 176 00:07:34,241 --> 00:07:38,601 Speaker 2: so I remember I remember feeling closure, wanting closure. It's 177 00:07:38,641 --> 00:07:41,881 Speaker 2: almost like unfinished business. It's like you obsess over the 178 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,281 Speaker 2: unfinished business. And that's the thing that fucks with your 179 00:07:44,321 --> 00:07:46,601 Speaker 2: head so much, because you're like, but what if, what 180 00:07:46,681 --> 00:07:48,601 Speaker 2: if it could be this way, or what if it. 181 00:07:48,521 --> 00:07:49,961 Speaker 3: Was meant to un you know, there's more. 182 00:07:49,801 --> 00:07:52,481 Speaker 2: To the story, or we're not done here, or whatever 183 00:07:52,521 --> 00:07:54,801 Speaker 2: the hope that you're holding onto. And I remember my 184 00:07:55,001 --> 00:07:56,841 Speaker 2: journey of this feeling a lot like grief. 185 00:07:57,681 --> 00:07:57,881 Speaker 3: You know. 186 00:07:57,961 --> 00:07:59,921 Speaker 2: I assumed the worst of him at my peak of 187 00:07:59,961 --> 00:08:02,961 Speaker 2: my anger, and then my compassion, I assumed the best 188 00:08:02,961 --> 00:08:05,001 Speaker 2: of him, and then I went through these different phases 189 00:08:05,161 --> 00:08:08,001 Speaker 2: and none of it was wrong, but I just went 190 00:08:08,041 --> 00:08:10,441 Speaker 2: through this multitude. It was almost like a vortex of 191 00:08:10,481 --> 00:08:13,121 Speaker 2: like one moment I was angry, and one moment I 192 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,561 Speaker 2: was pissed off, and one moment I was compassionate and 193 00:08:15,601 --> 00:08:19,521 Speaker 2: grateful and happy, and you know, proud of myself for 194 00:08:19,601 --> 00:08:21,561 Speaker 2: navigating that relationship and also proud of the woman that 195 00:08:21,561 --> 00:08:23,961 Speaker 2: I'd become. But then I'd fall back into sadness again, 196 00:08:24,121 --> 00:08:26,001 Speaker 2: and then I'd come back up into anger, and I 197 00:08:26,041 --> 00:08:29,321 Speaker 2: was like this never ending journey of all these different 198 00:08:29,361 --> 00:08:34,601 Speaker 2: facets of grief, a feeling like I needed and wanted 199 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:37,801 Speaker 2: and was hoping for closure in hope that it would 200 00:08:37,801 --> 00:08:38,481 Speaker 2: bring me peace. 201 00:08:38,721 --> 00:08:40,401 Speaker 1: Yeah, because you think if you've got a full clear 202 00:08:40,441 --> 00:08:42,921 Speaker 1: answer where he could say, I'm not gonna be with 203 00:08:42,961 --> 00:08:45,641 Speaker 1: you because da da da, but you never really got that. 204 00:08:45,721 --> 00:08:47,921 Speaker 1: It was a bit like not wishy washy, oh, like I. 205 00:08:47,881 --> 00:08:49,921 Speaker 3: Don't want to be with you. Yeah you know, I. 206 00:08:49,921 --> 00:08:51,481 Speaker 4: Don't know, but I'm not in love with you. 207 00:08:51,601 --> 00:08:52,241 Speaker 3: Yes, Yeah. 208 00:08:52,321 --> 00:08:54,681 Speaker 2: I think then you'd be like I was searching for 209 00:08:54,761 --> 00:08:57,401 Speaker 2: some kind of like honesty like that. Yeah, because that's 210 00:08:57,401 --> 00:08:59,161 Speaker 2: how I guess. I expect that I would shop in 211 00:08:59,161 --> 00:09:01,041 Speaker 2: that way or even if it was brutal. Even if 212 00:09:01,081 --> 00:09:02,681 Speaker 2: it was brutal, I'm like, I can handle brutal. 213 00:09:02,681 --> 00:09:04,401 Speaker 3: I will respect you for that. Yeah, I respect you 214 00:09:04,441 --> 00:09:05,201 Speaker 3: for your honesty. 215 00:09:05,321 --> 00:09:08,361 Speaker 2: You can hurt my feelings, but anyway, like I remember 216 00:09:08,401 --> 00:09:10,721 Speaker 2: really wanting closure, and there were times where I did 217 00:09:10,721 --> 00:09:14,001 Speaker 2: reach out for closure, but even then it wasn't the 218 00:09:14,041 --> 00:09:16,681 Speaker 2: closure that I needed, Like I couldn't as much as 219 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:19,281 Speaker 2: I wanted it from him. I was really looking for 220 00:09:19,361 --> 00:09:25,921 Speaker 2: validation in that moment, validation, hope, connection, wanting attention from him. 221 00:09:26,001 --> 00:09:29,041 Speaker 2: If I'm really honest with myself, I wanted to still 222 00:09:29,081 --> 00:09:31,041 Speaker 2: stay plugged into him because I wasn't ready to let 223 00:09:31,121 --> 00:09:34,561 Speaker 2: go yet and I'm still not. It still comes up 224 00:09:34,601 --> 00:09:34,801 Speaker 2: for me. 225 00:09:35,001 --> 00:09:36,761 Speaker 3: Do I want that? Is it something that I want now? 226 00:09:37,241 --> 00:09:37,321 Speaker 1: No? 227 00:09:37,521 --> 00:09:38,401 Speaker 3: Does it still come up for me? 228 00:09:38,481 --> 00:09:38,681 Speaker 1: Yes? 229 00:09:39,001 --> 00:09:39,321 Speaker 4: Yeah. 230 00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:40,401 Speaker 3: And so even in those. 231 00:09:40,281 --> 00:09:42,081 Speaker 2: Moments when I'm feeling like, oh, I would be so 232 00:09:42,161 --> 00:09:45,481 Speaker 2: nice to get closure or to have another conversation around 233 00:09:45,521 --> 00:09:48,761 Speaker 2: what really happened back then and where we were both at, 234 00:09:49,241 --> 00:09:51,401 Speaker 2: it's still not something that I need from him because 235 00:09:51,441 --> 00:09:53,761 Speaker 2: the only person who can give it to me acceptance 236 00:09:54,201 --> 00:09:57,241 Speaker 2: is myself, yourself, And that's a hard pill to fucking swallow. 237 00:09:57,881 --> 00:10:00,961 Speaker 2: Acceptance of something that you don't want is a hard 238 00:10:01,081 --> 00:10:04,521 Speaker 2: fucking pill to swallow, and it hurts, It's gonna hurt, 239 00:10:05,321 --> 00:10:08,001 Speaker 2: it is. It's almost the way that I imagine giving 240 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:11,321 Speaker 2: myself that closure to be able to move on is 241 00:10:11,401 --> 00:10:15,601 Speaker 2: imagining myself surrendering to it. And I actually say to myself, like, 242 00:10:15,961 --> 00:10:19,201 Speaker 2: just surrender one percent more, Just surrender one percent more, 243 00:10:19,441 --> 00:10:21,001 Speaker 2: like you don't have to have it all figured out. 244 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,081 Speaker 3: You don't have to let it go. 245 00:10:22,601 --> 00:10:24,361 Speaker 2: You don't even have to let go of the pain 246 00:10:24,441 --> 00:10:26,121 Speaker 2: that hurt, the happiness, all of the feelings that come 247 00:10:26,201 --> 00:10:28,601 Speaker 2: up around it. You just have to be willing to 248 00:10:28,641 --> 00:10:32,241 Speaker 2: surrender to what currently is. And that's okay. 249 00:10:32,681 --> 00:10:34,441 Speaker 1: It's so hard, isn't it, Because like, I don't know 250 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:35,681 Speaker 1: a picture as if you know, if you're reading a 251 00:10:35,681 --> 00:10:38,361 Speaker 1: book and there's twelve chapters, you get to deleventh chapter, 252 00:10:38,441 --> 00:10:39,441 Speaker 1: you're not going to close a book. 253 00:10:39,521 --> 00:10:41,601 Speaker 4: You're finishing that book, but I don't know what happened. 254 00:10:41,681 --> 00:10:44,801 Speaker 1: Absolutely absolute closure that they had a happy ending or 255 00:10:44,961 --> 00:10:47,961 Speaker 1: he murdered her or this way to put it. And 256 00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:51,081 Speaker 1: it's like we go in these relationships, whether it's friendship 257 00:10:51,161 --> 00:10:54,081 Speaker 1: or cowork or intimate relationship, and it's like, if you 258 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,921 Speaker 1: don't know why it didn't continue and you've got that 259 00:10:57,041 --> 00:10:58,881 Speaker 1: open chapter, how do I close the book? 260 00:10:58,961 --> 00:10:59,321 Speaker 3: Yes? 261 00:10:59,521 --> 00:11:00,281 Speaker 4: How do I uplug? 262 00:11:00,321 --> 00:11:03,161 Speaker 1: I need to I can know, But you don't need 263 00:11:03,201 --> 00:11:04,881 Speaker 1: to know. Yeah, because even if they tell you one 264 00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,281 Speaker 1: thing and you might not even believe it, so then 265 00:11:06,281 --> 00:11:08,201 Speaker 1: you think you need more closure. Yeah, that can't be real. 266 00:11:08,241 --> 00:11:08,681 Speaker 1: He's lying. 267 00:11:08,841 --> 00:11:10,401 Speaker 3: Yeah, even if he tells you something. 268 00:11:10,401 --> 00:11:12,001 Speaker 1: All that kind of card have been it because I 269 00:11:12,001 --> 00:11:14,721 Speaker 1: don't feel like that it still won't be enough. You're right, 270 00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,201 Speaker 1: it's only us that. 271 00:11:16,201 --> 00:11:16,601 Speaker 4: Can do it. 272 00:11:16,761 --> 00:11:20,281 Speaker 2: Yeah, And it doesn't matter what it is, if it's relationships, friendships, grief, 273 00:11:20,321 --> 00:11:22,761 Speaker 2: like whatever. Like acceptance is a hard thing that we 274 00:11:22,801 --> 00:11:24,921 Speaker 2: have to come to terms to, but it's something that 275 00:11:24,961 --> 00:11:26,641 Speaker 2: we have to come to on our own. 276 00:11:26,841 --> 00:11:29,561 Speaker 3: It is because it's an internal thing. It's an internal journey. 277 00:11:30,081 --> 00:11:32,321 Speaker 2: And yes it's hard, and yes it's challenging and all 278 00:11:32,361 --> 00:11:33,921 Speaker 2: the things, but it will make you a better person 279 00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,641 Speaker 2: because of it because you will be able to choose 280 00:11:36,681 --> 00:11:39,441 Speaker 2: in any given moment. Yes, this was hard, Yes this 281 00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:42,201 Speaker 2: broke my heart, but I also choose to move forward 282 00:11:42,241 --> 00:11:45,121 Speaker 2: with my life. Yes, and that's like the biggest gift 283 00:11:45,161 --> 00:11:47,081 Speaker 2: that you can give yourself this Christmas. 284 00:11:48,681 --> 00:11:52,041 Speaker 1: And just once again, like grieving and healing is not linear. 285 00:11:52,281 --> 00:11:54,681 Speaker 1: I do believe time heals all wounds. Yeah, I do 286 00:11:54,761 --> 00:11:57,401 Speaker 1: think over time, even grief, it's not like it fully 287 00:11:57,441 --> 00:11:58,841 Speaker 1: goes away, but you get better. 288 00:11:58,641 --> 00:11:59,121 Speaker 4: At holding it. 289 00:11:59,121 --> 00:11:59,561 Speaker 3: Absolutely. 290 00:11:59,601 --> 00:12:01,081 Speaker 1: As Lana said that in our interview, if you do 291 00:12:01,161 --> 00:12:04,280 Speaker 1: not listen to Aslana's interview in November, Holy. 292 00:12:04,041 --> 00:12:05,001 Speaker 3: Moly, please go listen. 293 00:12:05,401 --> 00:12:07,481 Speaker 1: She said that the grief never goes away, but her 294 00:12:07,481 --> 00:12:10,721 Speaker 1: capacity to hold it and whole joy got better and 295 00:12:10,761 --> 00:12:12,841 Speaker 1: better as time went on, and now she's the happiest 296 00:12:12,841 --> 00:12:15,401 Speaker 1: she's ever been, which sounds crazy to someone that's lost 297 00:12:15,441 --> 00:12:18,121 Speaker 1: her teenage daughter. Yeah, so it all gets to be there, 298 00:12:18,161 --> 00:12:19,801 Speaker 1: and it's the same with you. I feel like, yeah, 299 00:12:19,841 --> 00:12:22,441 Speaker 1: the grief of that relationship not working out and the 300 00:12:22,481 --> 00:12:23,921 Speaker 1: picture that you had for you, you two, in the 301 00:12:23,921 --> 00:12:26,201 Speaker 1: fairy tale that you wanted with him, that is still 302 00:12:26,201 --> 00:12:28,841 Speaker 1: there for you, but you've learned to hold it and 303 00:12:28,841 --> 00:12:30,481 Speaker 1: accept that it's not going to be like that. Oh. 304 00:12:30,481 --> 00:12:32,161 Speaker 3: Absolutely, it's both coexisting. 305 00:12:32,401 --> 00:12:34,481 Speaker 2: Absolutely, It's like what Slana said, It's like I am 306 00:12:34,561 --> 00:12:36,721 Speaker 2: the happiest that I've ever been in my life right now, 307 00:12:37,001 --> 00:12:40,401 Speaker 2: Like proud, happy. My life has never. 308 00:12:40,241 --> 00:12:42,881 Speaker 3: Felt this colorful before, purposeful. 309 00:12:42,401 --> 00:12:45,441 Speaker 2: And like everything about me is lit up. And also 310 00:12:45,521 --> 00:12:48,121 Speaker 2: there's still a part of me that's also sad about 311 00:12:48,161 --> 00:12:51,201 Speaker 2: the way that things kind of unfolded or where that 312 00:12:51,281 --> 00:12:54,081 Speaker 2: never ended up going. It's like the unfinished business of that. 313 00:12:54,721 --> 00:12:57,281 Speaker 2: It still hurts, but I'm also the happiest that I've 314 00:12:57,281 --> 00:12:59,641 Speaker 2: ever been. Beautiful, you know, So It's like two things 315 00:12:59,641 --> 00:13:01,921 Speaker 2: can coexist and you can still be on a path 316 00:13:01,961 --> 00:13:05,441 Speaker 2: of healing and acceptance and growth whilst also still really 317 00:13:05,481 --> 00:13:07,881 Speaker 2: appreciating all the other beautiful things you've got going on 318 00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:10,601 Speaker 2: in your life. And I think that, like Aslana said, 319 00:13:10,641 --> 00:13:14,041 Speaker 2: is using gratitude as an insurance policy, because when you 320 00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:15,881 Speaker 2: can lean on the things that are also really good 321 00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,641 Speaker 2: in your life, it helps you kind of move through 322 00:13:17,721 --> 00:13:19,001 Speaker 2: the heavy and hard shit too. 323 00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:21,201 Speaker 4: I saw a TikTok the other day. 324 00:13:21,241 --> 00:13:23,721 Speaker 1: It's really interesting because you know, in intimate relationships, like 325 00:13:24,201 --> 00:13:26,481 Speaker 1: if you're going to break up, there's a conversation. Yeah, 326 00:13:26,601 --> 00:13:28,921 Speaker 1: most of the time, I'm assuming. Obviously people get ghosted 327 00:13:28,961 --> 00:13:30,561 Speaker 1: all the time. But most of the time, when an 328 00:13:30,561 --> 00:13:32,921 Speaker 1: intimate relationship ends, there's a big conversation, or there's a 329 00:13:32,921 --> 00:13:35,521 Speaker 1: big breakdown, or there's a big fight, or there's something 330 00:13:35,521 --> 00:13:38,761 Speaker 1: that happens and you decide and you say we're breaking up, 331 00:13:38,841 --> 00:13:41,281 Speaker 1: we're not together. This girl jumped on a tip dog 332 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,081 Speaker 1: and it had tens of thousands of shares and she's like, 333 00:13:44,121 --> 00:13:46,201 Speaker 1: I broke up with my best friend, and she talked 334 00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:49,241 Speaker 1: about how for about a year she just wasn't feeling 335 00:13:49,241 --> 00:13:50,761 Speaker 1: as close with her but they kept trying to make 336 00:13:50,801 --> 00:13:52,801 Speaker 1: things work and kept trying to catch up, and then 337 00:13:52,801 --> 00:13:55,081 Speaker 1: she was like, how I would an intimate relationship. I 338 00:13:55,121 --> 00:13:57,001 Speaker 1: just asked to have a conversation. I said to her, like, 339 00:13:57,001 --> 00:13:58,481 Speaker 1: I'm just not feeling as close with you. I don't 340 00:13:58,481 --> 00:14:00,401 Speaker 1: know if it's something I've done or you've done. Are 341 00:14:00,401 --> 00:14:02,041 Speaker 1: you feeling like that? She's like me too, I feel 342 00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:03,881 Speaker 1: like this too. And then I feel guilty because I 343 00:14:03,881 --> 00:14:05,641 Speaker 1: want to catch up with you, but sometimes I don't. 344 00:14:06,401 --> 00:14:07,921 Speaker 1: And they said, well, why don't we just go our 345 00:14:07,921 --> 00:14:09,801 Speaker 1: separate ways and maybe we just need some time apart, 346 00:14:09,801 --> 00:14:11,481 Speaker 1: and maybe we'll come back together in five years and 347 00:14:11,481 --> 00:14:13,441 Speaker 1: we're our different phases in our life. Because they were 348 00:14:13,441 --> 00:14:15,481 Speaker 1: off doing different things as well, and they had this 349 00:14:15,561 --> 00:14:19,081 Speaker 1: beautiful conversation and ended their best friend relationship of twenty years. 350 00:14:19,121 --> 00:14:19,921 Speaker 3: Wow, and they've. 351 00:14:19,801 --> 00:14:21,921 Speaker 1: Gone their separate ways. They didn't unfollow each other. They 352 00:14:22,001 --> 00:14:24,441 Speaker 1: still swipe up and say hey, whatever, But there's not 353 00:14:24,481 --> 00:14:27,321 Speaker 1: that pressure now to keep the relationship and try and 354 00:14:27,321 --> 00:14:29,801 Speaker 1: continue to make it what it once was because they've 355 00:14:29,801 --> 00:14:32,281 Speaker 1: both evolved and grown, and it's grown apart. Because you've 356 00:14:32,281 --> 00:14:34,801 Speaker 1: got that closure, you're both on the same waveleft you 357 00:14:34,881 --> 00:14:36,881 Speaker 1: both mutually agreed to go on your paths. 358 00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:37,521 Speaker 4: And still love from afar. 359 00:14:37,761 --> 00:14:41,001 Speaker 1: Yes, when there's no closure, there's still hurt and you 360 00:14:41,041 --> 00:14:44,801 Speaker 1: feel not considered and disrespected and all the questions and 361 00:14:44,841 --> 00:14:47,121 Speaker 1: the assumptions, and that's why it gets so noisy up there, 362 00:14:47,121 --> 00:14:49,361 Speaker 1: and it's really hard to process that. 363 00:14:49,401 --> 00:14:51,161 Speaker 4: On your own. But I thought it was a really 364 00:14:51,201 --> 00:14:51,721 Speaker 4: beautiful thing. 365 00:14:51,761 --> 00:14:53,561 Speaker 1: I was like, Wow, that is beautiful. That would be 366 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:54,921 Speaker 1: a really hard conversation to have. 367 00:14:55,001 --> 00:14:56,961 Speaker 2: Definitely the best friends, and it doesn't mean that the 368 00:14:57,001 --> 00:14:57,961 Speaker 2: sadness wouldn't be there. 369 00:14:58,281 --> 00:14:59,641 Speaker 4: Both like, oh my gosh, we love each other. What 370 00:14:59,641 --> 00:15:00,001 Speaker 4: are we doing? 371 00:15:00,041 --> 00:15:02,401 Speaker 3: Imagine? Yeah, so hard, so confronting. 372 00:15:02,481 --> 00:15:03,801 Speaker 4: If you're going to mean said that, I feel like 373 00:15:04,201 --> 00:15:05,121 Speaker 4: going anywhere. 374 00:15:09,881 --> 00:15:12,881 Speaker 2: You're like, you're kidding, right, get like is there a 375 00:15:12,921 --> 00:15:15,081 Speaker 2: camera of what you're saying? 376 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,401 Speaker 3: Oh, that would be a savage April Fool's joke. 377 00:15:18,521 --> 00:15:21,921 Speaker 1: I would never But yeah, that was really beautiful. Yeah. 378 00:15:21,961 --> 00:15:24,041 Speaker 2: I love conversations had bad definitely, and I think a 379 00:15:24,081 --> 00:15:27,961 Speaker 2: beautiful conversation around this is our mind can really create 380 00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:32,121 Speaker 2: the worst possible snow of this person, given that things 381 00:15:32,121 --> 00:15:34,321 Speaker 2: have gone this way. And I think like something that 382 00:15:34,361 --> 00:15:36,321 Speaker 2: I've learned even in this last year. Like with this 383 00:15:36,361 --> 00:15:39,121 Speaker 2: relationship especially, is that like I've really come out of 384 00:15:39,241 --> 00:15:40,841 Speaker 2: the anger and all of the sadness and all the 385 00:15:40,841 --> 00:15:42,561 Speaker 2: things that I felt, and I have a lot of 386 00:15:42,601 --> 00:15:45,241 Speaker 2: appreciation for him as a person, you know, and as 387 00:15:45,281 --> 00:15:46,641 Speaker 2: well it didn't go the way that I would have 388 00:15:46,761 --> 00:15:48,921 Speaker 2: liked it to, it still doesn't change the fact that 389 00:15:48,961 --> 00:15:51,801 Speaker 2: I think he's a great human and I'm choosing to 390 00:15:51,841 --> 00:15:54,561 Speaker 2: assume the best of him. And I think that's something 391 00:15:54,561 --> 00:15:57,241 Speaker 2: that we can all take away of, Like, even if 392 00:15:57,241 --> 00:15:59,161 Speaker 2: something doesn't work out, even if we're not close to somebody, 393 00:15:59,201 --> 00:16:01,041 Speaker 2: even if we have TIFFs, even if we're no longer 394 00:16:01,081 --> 00:16:03,441 Speaker 2: in somebody's life anymore, It's like we can still assume 395 00:16:03,481 --> 00:16:06,201 Speaker 2: the best of that person while it also still validating 396 00:16:06,201 --> 00:16:07,001 Speaker 2: our hurt as well. 397 00:16:07,201 --> 00:16:10,161 Speaker 1: I both can exist, definitely, And I think one thing 398 00:16:10,241 --> 00:16:12,961 Speaker 1: we've been talking about lately too is people can only 399 00:16:13,001 --> 00:16:15,121 Speaker 1: meet you as deep as what they've met themselves. Really, 400 00:16:15,361 --> 00:16:17,121 Speaker 1: So if people can't meet you to have that card 401 00:16:17,161 --> 00:16:20,081 Speaker 1: conversation or go that deep with you, they're not going 402 00:16:20,081 --> 00:16:22,361 Speaker 1: there than themselves. That's too un comfortable for themselves. If 403 00:16:22,361 --> 00:16:23,681 Speaker 1: they can't do it with them, how the hell they 404 00:16:23,761 --> 00:16:25,921 Speaker 1: meant shot up for you, And that's why I know 405 00:16:26,041 --> 00:16:27,761 Speaker 1: it's not about you. And that's why I want to 406 00:16:27,801 --> 00:16:30,001 Speaker 1: be able to go deep with myself because I always 407 00:16:30,041 --> 00:16:32,481 Speaker 1: want to stay deeply connected to my into a relationship 408 00:16:32,521 --> 00:16:35,441 Speaker 1: and my friends and my kids. How can I hold 409 00:16:35,441 --> 00:16:37,441 Speaker 1: them and their bigness and all their stuff they're going 410 00:16:37,481 --> 00:16:40,001 Speaker 1: to go through if I can't hold myself and that. Yeah, 411 00:16:40,121 --> 00:16:43,001 Speaker 1: the more I hold myself, sit with myself, feel or 412 00:16:43,321 --> 00:16:45,401 Speaker 1: have acceptance for things, the more I can roll model 413 00:16:45,401 --> 00:16:47,521 Speaker 1: that and be that for them as well. Yeah. 414 00:16:47,521 --> 00:16:49,681 Speaker 2: It's tough though, it is, but it's also a really 415 00:16:49,761 --> 00:16:52,641 Speaker 2: freeing way to live life too, not feeling like those 416 00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:55,161 Speaker 2: things are like holding us down or triggering us all 417 00:16:55,201 --> 00:16:56,681 Speaker 2: the time. It's like, no, like when do we let 418 00:16:56,681 --> 00:16:59,081 Speaker 2: go of the burning rock that hurts us? Yes, this 419 00:16:59,281 --> 00:17:02,521 Speaker 2: is the time, it is. It is your emotions. Yeah. 420 00:17:02,761 --> 00:17:04,721 Speaker 1: I wanted to bring this in in case you were 421 00:17:04,721 --> 00:17:07,281 Speaker 1: holding onto something and you just still all those questions 422 00:17:07,321 --> 00:17:08,761 Speaker 1: are going in your head. Just take a big breath, 423 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,801 Speaker 1: sit in your body, and like let it go. Don't 424 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,401 Speaker 1: let it consume another year of your life. 425 00:17:12,521 --> 00:17:14,521 Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know what, be okay that it's going 426 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,081 Speaker 2: to be messy, Yeah, and that you know I know 427 00:17:17,481 --> 00:17:19,201 Speaker 2: just from personal experience, you're going to be like, fuck, 428 00:17:19,241 --> 00:17:20,080 Speaker 2: why not over this yet? 429 00:17:20,201 --> 00:17:21,801 Speaker 3: Why not over this yet? Oh my god, I sound 430 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:22,481 Speaker 3: like a broken record. 431 00:17:22,481 --> 00:17:22,801 Speaker 4: Oh my god. 432 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,481 Speaker 2: We say this to each other all the time about 433 00:17:24,521 --> 00:17:26,880 Speaker 2: everything that we bring in a million times, but we're like, no, 434 00:17:27,001 --> 00:17:29,001 Speaker 2: bring it in, Bring it in every single time, because 435 00:17:29,001 --> 00:17:31,721 Speaker 2: it deserves a space to be felt, to be moved 436 00:17:31,761 --> 00:17:34,440 Speaker 2: through so that you can actually move on. Let it 437 00:17:34,481 --> 00:17:36,361 Speaker 2: come up as many times as it needs to come up, 438 00:17:36,561 --> 00:17:39,160 Speaker 2: allow space for it, don't judge it, and watch how 439 00:17:39,241 --> 00:17:41,680 Speaker 2: much lighter you'll feel in six months from now. 440 00:17:41,721 --> 00:17:42,161 Speaker 4: Definitely. 441 00:17:42,441 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, we love you guys, and are sending a love 442 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,880 Speaker 1: out there to anyone who is seeking closure and feeling 443 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:50,200 Speaker 1: like that. We totally understand how fucking painful it is. 444 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,121 Speaker 1: It's not a fun part of life. 445 00:17:52,241 --> 00:17:52,680 Speaker 4: No, it's not. 446 00:17:52,961 --> 00:17:54,440 Speaker 1: You've got this. We're here for you, we get you, 447 00:17:54,521 --> 00:17:56,321 Speaker 1: we see you in all of it and sending you love. 448 00:17:56,441 --> 00:17:58,161 Speaker 1: But choose yourself this Christmas. 449 00:17:58,201 --> 00:17:59,920 Speaker 3: Absolutely, we'll see your day six tomorrow. 450 00:18:00,001 --> 00:18:00,561 Speaker 4: Bye.