1 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:05,000 Speaker 1: Hi, and welcome back to bounce forward with me. Tip. 2 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:08,680 Speaker 1: I'd like to acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land 3 00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:12,039 Speaker 1: on which I'm recording this podcast, the war hundry people 4 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,440 Speaker 1: of the Cooler Nation. I pay my respects to elders, 5 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:20,040 Speaker 1: past and presents. Diana came to me with a great question. 6 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 1: I've been feeling lost with no direction. However, today I 7 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:27,240 Speaker 1: realized that I am not responsible for others and their actions, 8 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 1: just for myself. So why is this important? Because I 9 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:34,600 Speaker 1: have been stretching myself, overstretching myself to help and fix 10 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 1: everyone's problems and feel bad if I can't help, which 11 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:41,160 Speaker 1: then leads to guilt. Well, I am over it all 12 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,800 Speaker 1: and will try to only deal with my own stuff 13 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,400 Speaker 1: from now on and let others deal with their own things. 14 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:51,040 Speaker 1: Time to concentrate on me, Diana, this is such a 15 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:54,400 Speaker 1: gorgeous note from you, and it is such a great 16 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,520 Speaker 1: launch pad for an episode because we're talking about is 17 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,920 Speaker 1: that mum guilt and I feel it all the time, 18 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 1: whether I'm training, or going to an appointment or an 19 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:09,280 Speaker 1: occasional date night with Ed, even just washing my hair. 20 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 1: The other night, I was like, I shouldn't be washing 21 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,600 Speaker 1: my hair. Those kids are up, I should be doing 22 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,759 Speaker 1: something with the kids. I just feel guilty the whole 23 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:21,240 Speaker 1: time and it just never goes anywhere. So how do 24 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 1: you get over that mum guilt and look after yourself. 25 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: It's such a common experience for mums and caregivers and 26 00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:31,720 Speaker 1: it involves, you know, feeling guilty about not doing enough 27 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:36,520 Speaker 1: for your kids, balancing work and family, and then taking 28 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: the time out for yourself. And it's like self care 29 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,480 Speaker 1: is Everyone's like, oh, I took a shower, that was 30 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:48,200 Speaker 1: self care. No, taking a shower isn't self care. That's 31 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,920 Speaker 1: something that you're allowed to do that you shouldn't feel 32 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:54,720 Speaker 1: guilty over. Or washing your hair, for example, that's something 33 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,200 Speaker 1: you have a right to do as a human being, 34 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,880 Speaker 1: you know, But as mums, for some reason, we feel 35 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:04,680 Speaker 1: guilty for that, especially with young children. I really have 36 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:08,239 Speaker 1: noticed this with my one year old. She's turning two 37 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:11,920 Speaker 1: in a couple of weeks, but gosh, it's so tough 38 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:14,040 Speaker 1: when they're little and it feels like just yesterday she 39 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,000 Speaker 1: was a newborn, and you know, I would feel guilty 40 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,920 Speaker 1: just leaving the room that she was in. It was 41 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,080 Speaker 1: it was such a palpable feeling. So I have some 42 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,280 Speaker 1: tips that have helped me along my journey to get 43 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,239 Speaker 1: to where I am now, where I'm able to take 44 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,880 Speaker 1: some time out to train, or I prep meals, or 45 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 1: I do something for myself which makes me a happy mom. 46 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,639 Speaker 1: And when I'm a happy mom, I'm a better mother. 47 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:42,040 Speaker 1: So I can't pour from an empty cup, and no 48 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,440 Speaker 1: one should, and you have to fill that cup. So 49 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 1: Number one is acknowledging your feelings. I think recognizing and 50 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:55,400 Speaker 1: validating that you know everyone feels this way, validating your 51 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,399 Speaker 1: emotions instead of suppressing them. This is something that I'm 52 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:01,520 Speaker 1: going to feel, but I'm going to deal with it. 53 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:04,400 Speaker 1: And having that self compassion to treat yourself with some 54 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,200 Speaker 1: kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in 55 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:11,320 Speaker 1: a similar situation where I say to my best friend, Hey, 56 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,560 Speaker 1: go and wash your hair, have a shower, do your nails, 57 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,840 Speaker 1: take some time out, let help you take over for 58 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,839 Speaker 1: a minute and just take a breath. But I'll say 59 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,560 Speaker 1: that to my best friend, but I'll never say that 60 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,280 Speaker 1: to myself. You really do have to have that self 61 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 1: compassion and then set some realistic expectations. I think some 62 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,480 Speaker 1: achievable goals for yourself and your family understand that you 63 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,200 Speaker 1: can't do everything perfectly and that's okay. We have a 64 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,840 Speaker 1: little saying in the Cavalier household, done is better than perfect. 65 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,800 Speaker 1: Done is better than perfect. So we get shit done, 66 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:48,280 Speaker 1: but it's not perfect, and I'm okay with that, and 67 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 1: I'll have people over and the house isn't perfect, but 68 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:55,480 Speaker 1: it's clean and it's okay. But you know, racing around 69 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 1: and making sure that everything's presentable for visitors for an 70 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,080 Speaker 1: hour time, too, is just not achievable with my work 71 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 1: schedule and filming schedule and everything that I have going on. 72 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,120 Speaker 1: So I sometimes just have to let go of perfectionism. 73 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 1: And that's a big weight off your shoulders once you 74 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:15,400 Speaker 1: let go of perfectionism, and then you need to prioritize 75 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:19,960 Speaker 1: and focus on what's truly important. And I always prioritize 76 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,719 Speaker 1: my critical tasks and that helps with the mum Guild 77 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,840 Speaker 1: a lot. So I've got some urgent things I need 78 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:26,400 Speaker 1: to deal with and then some things that I can 79 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: delay or delete and do that later. You know, that 80 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,919 Speaker 1: really helps me to know that what I'm doing is 81 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:37,159 Speaker 1: urgent and critical and I need to do that, and 82 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:44,640 Speaker 1: time away from my kids. It's okay. It's okay. You 83 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,159 Speaker 1: need to communicate this stuff, like you wrote into me 84 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:51,120 Speaker 1: and you communicated that you needed some support and some 85 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:53,559 Speaker 1: help and that you are doing this for you now. 86 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 1: And it's okay to communicate and seek support, talk about it, 87 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: share your feelings to your partner, your friends, your family members. 88 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:04,200 Speaker 1: Sometimes just talking about stuff alleviate some of the guilt. 89 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 1: I love things like mothers groups and you know, community groups. 90 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,240 Speaker 1: I'm so passionate about my teach soo community because it's 91 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:14,040 Speaker 1: a place where you can jump in and gain that 92 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:17,880 Speaker 1: support and get that advice and be part of the 93 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 1: empathy where people in similar situations come shine through and 94 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,040 Speaker 1: you can see, oh, it's not just me feeling like this. 95 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 1: There's so much solace in that practicing self care. Self 96 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,520 Speaker 1: care is not selfish. So take time for yourself. Ensure 97 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,240 Speaker 1: that you have time to rest, to relax, to engage 98 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,200 Speaker 1: in activities you enjoy. You know, and you might be 99 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,200 Speaker 1: saying easier said than done, tif, but you need to 100 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,719 Speaker 1: make an appointment with yourself. And I put in an 101 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:49,960 Speaker 1: hour a week into my diary, into my calendar tiff time. 102 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,120 Speaker 1: I might be playing the piano, I might be going 103 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,280 Speaker 1: for a run, I might be doing some food prep. 104 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 1: I might be washing my hair. I might be gain 105 00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:00,320 Speaker 1: my nails done. I might just setside the ti to 106 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,000 Speaker 1: shave my legs. It doesn't matter, but it is just 107 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:06,960 Speaker 1: some time for me to feel more human and like 108 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,760 Speaker 1: I'm giving my filling my cup a little bit. You've 109 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,440 Speaker 1: got to fill your cup because happy moms are good mums. 110 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:16,839 Speaker 1: You know, you're a great mum if you're happy, healthy lifestyle, 111 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,640 Speaker 1: you know, maintaining that healthy lifestyle of regular exercise, balanced diet. 112 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:24,919 Speaker 1: You know, I get into the trap of asking my husband, oh, 113 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,280 Speaker 1: can I go train? Or can I go for a run, 114 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,279 Speaker 1: or can I go You know, He's like, why are 115 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,320 Speaker 1: you asking me? I'm like, because I feel so guilty. 116 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,240 Speaker 1: But he doesn't ask. He just goes and does it. 117 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:37,640 Speaker 1: But the mum is asking, or can I just go 118 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,360 Speaker 1: have a shower? What are you asking me for? Tiff? 119 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,920 Speaker 1: I don't know. I just feel so guilty. So it's 120 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 1: ridiculous how much we have that in us. And you 121 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 1: need to keep up the basics, the one percentas that 122 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,839 Speaker 1: give you energy and fill that cup so good die, 123 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 1: adequate sleep, good exercise, build it in as the strong 124 00:06:58,839 --> 00:07:03,080 Speaker 1: foundation and other people's problems and trying to fix everyone. 125 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 1: That's not what you need to do. You need to 126 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 1: focus on yourself, your own grass, make sure that it 127 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:14,920 Speaker 1: is healthy and luscious, not focusing on what's going on 128 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,640 Speaker 1: over there at the next door neighbors, like you need 129 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,680 Speaker 1: to really focus on you, and then it's quality time. 130 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:24,720 Speaker 1: I do work a lot. I'm a working mum, and 131 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: there's a lot of guilt with that, right especially when 132 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,400 Speaker 1: you know some of my friends aren't working mums, and 133 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:35,320 Speaker 1: you know they're doing endless play dates and catch ups 134 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,160 Speaker 1: and coffees and all this stuff, and I feel like 135 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,880 Speaker 1: I'm missing out. But I say to myself, it's quality time. 136 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,560 Speaker 1: I spend quality time with my children. I put my 137 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: phone away. I make sure that you know I'm really 138 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:51,000 Speaker 1: focused on them, and I'm being present with my children 139 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 1: so there's no distractions and I'm engaging with them. Quality 140 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,600 Speaker 1: time over quantity. All the experts, and I have researched 141 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,000 Speaker 1: this a lot because of my mum and guilt. All 142 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:05,160 Speaker 1: the experts, parenting experts say that it is quality over quantity. 143 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,880 Speaker 1: With children. You need to get in their face and 144 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:12,600 Speaker 1: be one hundred percent there with them and in that moment, 145 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:16,480 Speaker 1: and it really does help. Then my next tip is 146 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:19,400 Speaker 1: to really challenge those negative thoughts. And it's not easy, 147 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 1: but you've got to identify and reframe and the negative 148 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:26,880 Speaker 1: thoughts that contribute to that guilt. You know, for example, 149 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,320 Speaker 1: instead of thinking I'm not spending enough time with my kids, 150 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,880 Speaker 1: think I'm doing my best to provide for my family 151 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 1: and spending quality time when I can, you know, And 152 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: so having some positive affirmations and just reframing some of 153 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 1: those negative thoughts can be really helpful. Next, you really 154 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 1: want to set some boundaries, so work life balance, set 155 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:52,840 Speaker 1: boundaries between work, family, you know, even with yourself, because 156 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 1: I'm my worst enemy. I'm I'm always trying to take 157 00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:59,440 Speaker 1: on more than what I can do, and so I 158 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,880 Speaker 1: set bound with myself where I'm like, nope, You're just 159 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,560 Speaker 1: doing these three things. That's it for now. And you know, 160 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:07,880 Speaker 1: there's always someone wanting, you know, me to do a 161 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,600 Speaker 1: keynote or a boot camp or a you know, and 162 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,439 Speaker 1: I just say no, no, no, no, I do my podcast, 163 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:16,440 Speaker 1: I do takes, so I do my kids. There's the 164 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 1: three things I can handle at the moment. And then 165 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,440 Speaker 1: you have to learn to say no. And it's uncomfortable, 166 00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:25,199 Speaker 1: but no is important, and you've got to exercise the 167 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,400 Speaker 1: no muscle just as much as you exercise your other muscles. 168 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:32,360 Speaker 1: No is a full sentence. You don't need to justify it, FYI. 169 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:36,199 Speaker 1: That's something I learned from clinical psychologists. Casts done, and 170 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 1: I've never forgotten it. I'm so sorry. I can't do that, 171 00:09:40,559 --> 00:09:43,079 Speaker 1: not because of this and because of that. Just no, 172 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,960 Speaker 1: it's a full sentence. And then I find that focusing 173 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:51,600 Speaker 1: on accomplishments and small wins really helps to see how 174 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:55,040 Speaker 1: far you've come, and it boosts your confidence and reduces 175 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 1: those feelings of guilt. I keep a gratitude journal as well, 176 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,079 Speaker 1: which really helps. I love Three Good Things. It's an 177 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,800 Speaker 1: app and every night, my son and I just put 178 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,760 Speaker 1: three good things in that app. Three good things that 179 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,560 Speaker 1: happen today. You know, he maybe got a sticker at 180 00:10:08,559 --> 00:10:12,160 Speaker 1: school for good work, or you know, maybe I took 181 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 1: out some time for some deep breathing in you know, 182 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,480 Speaker 1: or whatever it is. There's three good things that we 183 00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 1: write down into the app. And like I said before, 184 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:25,559 Speaker 1: you've got to accept imperfection, and that's so important. What 185 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,000 Speaker 1: matters is your effort and love for your children, not 186 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:31,960 Speaker 1: that you're perfect and they're going to learn from you 187 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:35,040 Speaker 1: as a good role model that it's okay to make mistakes, 188 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:39,640 Speaker 1: and that builds resilience and self compassion. So it's really 189 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,880 Speaker 1: really important to make mistakes and to not try to 190 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,280 Speaker 1: feel as though you have to be perfect, because that 191 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:48,080 Speaker 1: does feed into the mum guilt a lot. It's a 192 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,640 Speaker 1: tricky thing. It's really hard and I'm not sure if 193 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:53,320 Speaker 1: it'll ever go away, and I'm trying really really hard 194 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,640 Speaker 1: myself to deal with it. But I really love that 195 00:10:56,720 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 1: you are making time for you, creating that boundary where 196 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: you're separating from other people's problems and saying that now 197 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,040 Speaker 1: is the time to concentrate on me. So, Diana, I 198 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,080 Speaker 1: am really excited about this time in your life, and 199 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 1: I really hope that you go forth and thrive, not 200 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:20,200 Speaker 1: just survive. Thanks so much for listening to Bounce Forward. 201 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,480 Speaker 1: I love having your company. So please DM me on 202 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,679 Speaker 1: Instagram at tip Paul Underscore XO and let me know 203 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: what topics and questions you'd love me to cover. Don't 204 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,480 Speaker 1: forget to rate and review me on your podcast at 205 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: Happy Days