WEBVTT - Taryn Brumfitt on making new friends as an adult

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, yes, you have tuned into healthy Ish, the daily

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<v Speaker 1>podcast from Body and Soul. I am Felicity Halle. I

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<v Speaker 1>hope you are having a healthyish day. Of course. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>joined today by the wonderful Tarrant Brumfort. No doubt you

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<v Speaker 1>know her. You know what she's done. She was the

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<v Speaker 1>twenty twenty three Australian of the Year. Well, she's got

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<v Speaker 1>a new mission to bring women together. She's going to

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<v Speaker 1>tell us more about that today and also about well

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<v Speaker 1>the perils and joys of making friends as an adult.

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<v Speaker 1>She also throws in a few of her tips, which

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<v Speaker 1>I'm sure you will like. Make sure you're listening to

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<v Speaker 1>her on extra healthy Ish, our sister podcast, where we

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<v Speaker 1>talk about how to overcome people pleasing tendencies. You can

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<v Speaker 1>catch that one wherever you get your podcasts. Taran, Welcome

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<v Speaker 1>back to healthy Ish. How are you?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm great?

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<v Speaker 1>What I'm excited about this? Most of us know you

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<v Speaker 1>as an amazing body positivity advocate. But you've got a

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<v Speaker 1>new mission. What's this all about?

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, so I've teamed up with two of the most

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<v Speaker 3>impressive people I've ever met. Their dear friends, doctor Jemmy

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<v Speaker 3>Munroe and Mia Hanshan Jem has a PhD in performance

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<v Speaker 3>psychology and Mea. We affectionately call her the Wayfinder because

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<v Speaker 3>she has this knack for asking the right questions to

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<v Speaker 3>help people get to.

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<v Speaker 2>Where they want to be.

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<v Speaker 3>And we've launched a community called the Oyster Sisters where

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<v Speaker 3>we coach, champion and cheerlead women to I guess untether

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<v Speaker 3>from the binds that have kept us small and unshackle,

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<v Speaker 3>from the expectations that have cost us.

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<v Speaker 2>And robbed us of lots of joy, and also help.

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<v Speaker 3>Women quit playing the game the way we've been told

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<v Speaker 3>to play it. So yeah, I think the main essence

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<v Speaker 3>of the Oyster Sisters is a really around we are

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<v Speaker 3>so done with the placards and platitudes that have They've

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<v Speaker 3>inspired us for a sweet second, but then it's left

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<v Speaker 3>us sort of feeling like, oh, but what next. So

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<v Speaker 3>we sort of started the Oyster Sisters to support women

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<v Speaker 3>to I guess, get to where they want to be

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<v Speaker 3>personally and professionally in practical ways that work through connection

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<v Speaker 3>and sharing the grit of life.

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<v Speaker 2>As well as a few pearls of wisdom too.

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<v Speaker 1>I just pick up on the word cheerleader. I feel

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<v Speaker 1>like it's your whole concept is about just getting in

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<v Speaker 1>a room with a bunch of women and just cheering

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<v Speaker 1>each other on.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's so nice to be seen and heard and

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<v Speaker 3>share familiar stories, in particular when we're trying to interrupt patterns.

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<v Speaker 2>I think when we're trying to do.

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<v Speaker 3>That, whether it's professional or personally, having other people experiencing

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<v Speaker 3>the same challenges around us and sharing our stories actually

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<v Speaker 3>is so inspiring and gets us to where we want

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<v Speaker 3>to be. So yeah, cheerleading who you on at cheerlead.

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<v Speaker 1>To you just needs now.

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<v Speaker 2>Exactly now.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean the whole premise of this is coming together

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<v Speaker 1>and finding your people. I mean it's so it's often

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<v Speaker 1>really hard to make friends and find those people as adults.

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<v Speaker 1>How have you well not only found these two other

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<v Speaker 1>amazing women, but how do you navigate this?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah? I think the only way that you can navigate friendships,

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<v Speaker 3>especially when you're sort of when you're an adult and

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<v Speaker 3>finding them is leaning into that vulnerability, putting yourself out there.

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<v Speaker 3>It can actually be really awkward at times, but.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, like it's like, do you remember in primary school?

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<v Speaker 2>It's like would you like to be my friend?

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<v Speaker 3>Or I'm listening to my teenagers at the minute, I'm like,

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<v Speaker 3>how does one become a boyfriend and a girlfriend? You're like, well,

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<v Speaker 3>they're like, d you just asked, like, will you be

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<v Speaker 3>my boyfriend? So there's the whole thing, and I don't

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<v Speaker 3>think it changes much, but I just think the return

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<v Speaker 3>on some of that risk is so worth it. I mean,

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<v Speaker 3>two of my deepest friendships with Mia and jem I

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<v Speaker 3>found them, you know, in my thirties and my forties,

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<v Speaker 3>and I just I think it's about being open to

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<v Speaker 3>the possibility of new friendships at any stage and at

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<v Speaker 3>every stage.

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<v Speaker 1>How did you get Let's talk about those two friends

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<v Speaker 1>for a minute. How did you get past the awkward stage,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, like knowing you've obviously got something in common

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<v Speaker 1>and feeling a feeling which we'll talk about in a minute,

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<v Speaker 1>But how did you get past that almost almost asking

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<v Speaker 1>someone out in many ways? Or can we be friends?

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<v Speaker 1>Or you know what did you do? Tell us about that?

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 3>I mean Genma and I in particular, we just kept

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<v Speaker 3>running into each other everywhere. It was almost like the

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<v Speaker 3>universe was conspiring for us to be friends, Like we're

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<v Speaker 3>sort of at the Quantus lounge. We sat together on

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<v Speaker 3>planes when we didn't know each other a couple of times,

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<v Speaker 3>and then one day I parked in a car park

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<v Speaker 3>in the city and the doors opened and she was

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<v Speaker 3>standing there, and.

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<v Speaker 1>It was really kind of it's serendipitous.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, we kind of need something needs to happen here

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<v Speaker 3>that it actually has sometimes those feelings of a bit

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<v Speaker 3>of a first date, you know, And I guess I

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<v Speaker 3>experienced that after my marriage break down in twenty twenty,

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<v Speaker 3>those feelings of, oh my gosh, I've got to put

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<v Speaker 3>myself back out there and have awkward conversations and not

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<v Speaker 3>know what to expect. That's the beauty of old friendships

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<v Speaker 3>is that there's that sense of just knowing.

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<v Speaker 2>But I guess the.

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<v Speaker 3>Thrill and the excitement of new friendships is just that

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<v Speaker 3>you don't know what's going to happen, what's to expect,

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<v Speaker 3>And I don't know. For me, it's been worth it

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<v Speaker 3>all day long to put myself out there.

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<v Speaker 1>So how do you know if you found your person?

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<v Speaker 1>Describe for us the feeling.

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<v Speaker 3>But the feeling is definitely freedom and also joy. And

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<v Speaker 3>I think you know you've found your person because they

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<v Speaker 3>love you as you are and you can tell them

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<v Speaker 3>your darker secrets, share the worst parts of you and

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<v Speaker 3>they still love you regardless. I think the other thing

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<v Speaker 3>is that they will sit with you, like in your

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<v Speaker 3>very dark moments and not try and fix you. And

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<v Speaker 3>on the flip side of that, they also celebrate your wins.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, your wins are their wins.

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<v Speaker 3>And I remember Jemmy and I sat around a campfire

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<v Speaker 3>back in twenty twenty and I shared the worst parts

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<v Speaker 3>of me, which they affectionately call my Mary Queen of

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<v Speaker 3>Scot's side.

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<v Speaker 5>Of me bless and there was no judgment, you know,

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<v Speaker 5>there was no shame, and there was this understanding and

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<v Speaker 5>it was so nice to feel safe and seen.

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<v Speaker 3>And I think it's really special when you can share

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<v Speaker 3>what's in your basement with others instead of bottling it up.

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<v Speaker 1>Well said, no, do you know what you were saying

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<v Speaker 1>that I was getting, like all these warm feelings. I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, oh ah, love friends. It's so good.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, that's all right, because when you feel shame about

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<v Speaker 3>your worst bits, but they love you back and they're like,

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<v Speaker 3>it's okay.

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<v Speaker 1>No judgment, still love you even though, yeah, what you

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<v Speaker 1>did was really shit, that's right.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>I made a really good friend, must have been eight

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<v Speaker 1>years ago, and she's actually in friendship. So she runs

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<v Speaker 1>a course called You Are Strong, and she teaches kids

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<v Speaker 1>to be friends and how to navigate friendships. And she

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<v Speaker 1>was the best person to make as a friend as

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<v Speaker 1>an adult because she really taught me to trust my

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<v Speaker 1>own feeling. When you feel like you've got something in

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<v Speaker 1>common with them, just take a step and almost say hey,

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<v Speaker 1>do you want to discuss this over a coffee or

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<v Speaker 1>so it's been great to be friends with her because

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<v Speaker 1>she's taught me to be a better friend as an adult.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 3>Absolutely, And it just takes it takes a bit of encouragement,

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<v Speaker 3>doesn't it.

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<v Speaker 2>But but yeah, we've all been there.

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<v Speaker 3>And I guess anyone who's listening who has that friend

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<v Speaker 3>or that person that's sort of creeping forward, you know,

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<v Speaker 3>lean in and catch them and and sort of make

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<v Speaker 3>them feel comfortable and maybe even calling it out sometimes

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<v Speaker 3>like this feels like a date, but whatever you need to.

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<v Speaker 1>Do having a laugh about it. Well for anyone listening

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<v Speaker 1>who you know, I mean, we have a loneliness epidemic

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<v Speaker 1>around us. Anyone listening who needs some little encouragement on

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<v Speaker 1>tips on how to find you know, some people that

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<v Speaker 1>they get on with, that they connect with, how can

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<v Speaker 1>we go about doing this?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I mean from our experience, we know.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm so glad that you've raised the loneliness epidemic because

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<v Speaker 3>we know that you can be surrounded by people and

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<v Speaker 3>still feel lonely, and that you can catch up with

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<v Speaker 3>some friends and not feel seen, and that you can

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<v Speaker 3>share your.

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<v Speaker 2>Your truths and not be heard.

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<v Speaker 3>So I think I think finding your people involved staying

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<v Speaker 3>open and taking risks. And also it's really I think

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<v Speaker 3>it's important for us to be clear about what we

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<v Speaker 3>love to do.

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<v Speaker 2>What do you love doing.

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<v Speaker 3>And how you value spending your time.

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<v Speaker 2>Go do that and then be willing to move towards

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<v Speaker 2>the people who love what you love.

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<v Speaker 3>I think also it would be remissive of me not

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<v Speaker 3>to say, you know, we've started a community.

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<v Speaker 2>Through the Oysters Sisters.

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<v Speaker 3>It's a growing global network of women and it's safe,

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<v Speaker 3>it's fun, it's inspiring, and it's a beautiful way to

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<v Speaker 3>make connections, not just the surface ones, but really deep

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<v Speaker 3>and meaningful ones. And I think the thing is that we,

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<v Speaker 3>you know, jem MEA and I, we go really deep

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<v Speaker 3>in our community.

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<v Speaker 2>We share it all.

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<v Speaker 4>We share our stories, our wobbly bits, the metaphorical ones,

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<v Speaker 4>of course, and our great and I think it gives

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<v Speaker 4>others permission to do the same and encourage others to

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<v Speaker 4>let their guards down, and it strengthens their sense of.

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<v Speaker 2>Self and their purpose.

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<v Speaker 3>And it's fun and it's powerful to grow and thrive together.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and I think you said, I think fun is

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<v Speaker 1>the other thing we have to remember it. You can

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<v Speaker 1>be vulnerable while having fun as well. Totally absolutely, Karen,

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<v Speaker 1>thank you for coming on Healthish. Next time you just

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<v Speaker 1>have that gut feeling that you and someone are connecting,

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<v Speaker 1>just ask them out for coffee. It sounds a bit weird,

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<v Speaker 1>it can be awkward, but do it. You never know

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<v Speaker 1>what will come out of it. And as we know,

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<v Speaker 1>the cornerstone of good health is well not only sleep,

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<v Speaker 1>but also friendships and relationships and building on those. I

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<v Speaker 1>will leave a link to Tarran's new venture Oayster Sisters

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<v Speaker 1>in the show notes. If you did enjoy this chat,

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<v Speaker 1>tell us rate and review this episode. Of course, subscribe

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<v Speaker 1>to Healthy Ish or Extra Healthy Ish bodyandsoul dot com.

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<v Speaker 1>Dot are you is a place to go if you

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<v Speaker 1>need more info, follow us on socials. Grab our print edition,

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<v Speaker 1>which is out in your local Sunday paper and until

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<v Speaker 1>tomorrow to healthy ish