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Speaker 1: Appolgie production.

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Speaker 2: An easier advice.

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Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened?

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Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much?

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Speaker 1: Bring it in.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Good morning, afternoon, evening, wherever you are. Welcome

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Speaker 1: back to another Bestie segment. This is where you guys

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Speaker 1: write in your anonymous submissions. We have no idea who's

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Speaker 1: written in. If you have a story or a sticky situation,

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Speaker 1: please bring in the link. You can message us on

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Speaker 1: Instagram or it's in our private Facebook forum which anyone

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Speaker 1: can have access to. Just search to rises on Facebook.

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Speaker 1: But today is it's a juicy one. It's a probably

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Speaker 1: triggering one about cheating girl code take it away.

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Speaker 3: Hey, girlies, my story is a big one, crazy and

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Speaker 3: whacked out life like a Home and a Week kind

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Speaker 3: of series. Can you do a chat about women who

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Speaker 3: intentionally and consciously contribute to cheating with men who have

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Speaker 3: young families and your thoughts on it? What would you

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Speaker 3: do if you're connected or good friends with somebody who

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Speaker 3: knowingly doesn't care what family or relationships they are contributing

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Speaker 3: to breaking up and they still consciously choose to continue

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Speaker 3: with the betrayal. I'm really struggling with being the wife

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Speaker 3: and partner who was cheated on, and somehow I have

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Speaker 3: been labeled the monster for being so devastated that the

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Speaker 3: other woman has been labeled to a degree as the victim.

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Speaker 2: Is this a big what the fuck moment in your opinion?

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Speaker 2: Or is it just me?

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Speaker 3: This girl also tried to befriend me and then chose

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Speaker 3: to continue trying to romance with my partner of eight

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Speaker 3: years who shares a house and children with me while

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Speaker 3: he was trying to save our family and denying their

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Speaker 3: quote unquote special friendship. Crazy and a little confusing. I'm

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Speaker 3: just finding the younger female generation so morally messed up

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Speaker 3: and do not care what damage they contribute to. I

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Speaker 3: also know it's one hundred percent on the man who's

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Speaker 3: partnered and who is betraying his family unit. But where

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Speaker 3: is the sisterhood, the girl power, and the moral compass.

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Speaker 3: I would love a girl chat about this topic if possible.

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Speaker 3: And this woman's friends, who are partnered and have young

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Speaker 3: families of their own, still supported her, And I am

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Speaker 3: getting the daggers as if I am the one who

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Speaker 3: is in the right big love, Oh.

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Speaker 1: My gosh, I'm so sorry you're experiencing that. Girl code

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Speaker 1: and sisterhood, just sister wounds are so prominent for a

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Speaker 1: lot of us. I was having this conversation with my

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Speaker 1: mum the other day about girl code and there's just

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Speaker 1: things that women know they just should not do. It's

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Speaker 1: really interesting that you're being made out to be the

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Speaker 1: villain in this. It is definitely not No.

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Speaker 3: People look at the person who is like the aggressor

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Speaker 3: because they might be seeing it's the aggressor because you're

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Speaker 3: having an emotional reaction boom, but not paying attention to

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Speaker 3: the behavior that caused that reaction.

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Speaker 1: Right, You've taught me this really well, because I don't

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Speaker 1: know what we were talking about. I think it was

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Speaker 1: intimate relationships. How we're talking about anxious attachment. But then

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Speaker 1: someone's behavior is activating the anxious yeah, and making you behave,

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Speaker 1: not making you behave, But they made it worse because

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Speaker 1: they weren't creating a safe environment and reassuring your anxious attachment.

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Speaker 3: Yes, there's the like they trigger more anxiousness in you,

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Speaker 3: like the anxiousness can exist, but they then trigger the

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Speaker 3: behavior even more.

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Speaker 1: So, don't reassure you to help you through it.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely.

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Speaker 1: I believe in an intimate relate. This is going off topic,

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Speaker 1: but I do believe in intimate relationship. When you are

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Speaker 1: committed to someone, their nervous system is fifty percent your responsibility.

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Speaker 1: Why would you not want to take care of their

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Speaker 1: nervous system? Anyways, back to the topic. This is definitely

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Speaker 1: what the fuck moment. You have every right to feel angry, disappointed, upset,

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Speaker 1: and be questioning the moral composts of women. It blows

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Speaker 1: my mind that she one tried to befriend you. Was

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Speaker 1: that a sneaky tactic to get closer to your husband?

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Speaker 3: That's wild, that's wild to even think about.

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Speaker 1: I know we say never to use a word never,

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Speaker 1: but I just cannot imagine myself ever wanting to befriend

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Speaker 1: say you, to get to your heart. Like I couldn't

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Speaker 1: sleep at night.

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Speaker 2: It's just not something that you would do. It's not

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Speaker 2: even on your radar.

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Speaker 1: I could not sleep at night. I would look in

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Speaker 1: the mirror and be like, what the fuck are you

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Speaker 1: doing to this other woman and the family.

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Speaker 2: Like these kids involved too? Oh it is It's definitely

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Speaker 2: what the fuck moment?

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Speaker 3: And I think allow yourself to be so angry about

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Speaker 3: this and don't let anybody try to suppress your reactions.

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Speaker 2: Like, obviously there's a time and place.

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Speaker 3: And there's a way to handle things, but you're also

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Speaker 3: allowed to have your experience. And also it's a projection.

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Speaker 3: People are trying to tame your reaction because of something

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Speaker 3: that somebody else did, and if you constantly just keep

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Speaker 3: in the forefront of your mind like I am handling

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Speaker 3: it this way because I was wrong done by your

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Speaker 3: emotional reaction is valid, but it's like, oh, yes, there's

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Speaker 3: a degree of like to what extent am I expressing

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Speaker 3: this And is that actually hurting you more than it's

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Speaker 3: doing any good? But that's a whole other conversation, Like

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Speaker 3: you're allowed to give yourself permission to really fell into

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Speaker 3: this because you were betrayed, and betrayal wounds are fucking

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Speaker 3: really heavy and hard to deal with. And I think

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Speaker 3: when it comes to girl code, there's not a lot

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Speaker 3: of it because in my experience, at least women don't

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Speaker 3: trust other women. There is no sisterhood wounds because a

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Speaker 3: lot of us grow up with these wounded relationships with

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Speaker 3: our mother that we don't feel safe with and that

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Speaker 3: we have now created this dynamic where we think that

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Speaker 3: women have ulterior motives. We don't trust other women, we

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Speaker 3: think that they're not safe. But that's because it's been

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Speaker 3: true for us. We've had multiple experiences, whether it's with

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Speaker 3: your mum, whether it's with your sisters or even girlfriends

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Speaker 3: who you've been betrayed by that create and perpetuate this

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Speaker 3: deeper wounds. So yeah, girl code is fucked, and I

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Speaker 3: feel like it's only something I'm learning now in these

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Speaker 3: last couple of years of my life how important girl

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Speaker 3: code actually is and reconnecting that bond with other women.

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Speaker 3: And it is hard, like it is hard to find

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Speaker 3: other women who are wanting to behave in the same

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Speaker 3: way that you are because everyone is so different. But yeah,

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Speaker 3: I think that the root of that problem is, like

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Speaker 3: I think that women would be morally more grounded if

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Speaker 3: they felt safer with women in general.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree. So has her husband likes confirmed he

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Speaker 1: did cheat on her with this other woman, I believe,

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Speaker 1: so yeah, oh man, we can't see her and say

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Speaker 1: what we would or wouldn't do because we're not in

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Speaker 1: your situation. But I think personally we have spoken about

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Speaker 1: this in the podcast before. If Steve was to betray

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Speaker 1: me like that, even if I wanted to forgive him,

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Speaker 1: I don't think I could ever fully let it go.

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Speaker 1: I think I would take responsibility for the marriage breakdown

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Speaker 1: and the relationship breakdown, because I don't think cheating is

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Speaker 1: normally just like a one slip up. There's a lead

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Speaker 1: up of cracks, breakdowns, disconnection that normally leads to an

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Speaker 1: affair or a cheating scandal. So I would take reson spilly,

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Speaker 1: but also don't think I would ever fully forgive him

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Speaker 1: doing that. So I think I would be removing myself

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Speaker 1: from that situation, away from this group of women, away

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Speaker 1: from my husband. Obviously you've got a co parent. But

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Speaker 1: I just think I really value integrity, honesty, loyalty. Loyalty

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Speaker 1: is such a big value for me and you and

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Speaker 1: big one Steve and I did a relationship course on

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Speaker 1: the weekend and we wrote down our values and both

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Speaker 1: in the top three. Loyalty was up there. Yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: so important to me, And I just hope that you

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Speaker 1: know that you did not deserve this, and you deserve

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Speaker 1: to be chosen and not to be made out to

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Speaker 1: be the villain, and you're allowed to feel how you're feeling.

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Speaker 1: You're allowed to be angry, definitely productive ways to do it,

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Speaker 1: and you're allowed to choose yourself first. You don't have

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Speaker 1: to be around these people that are treating you like this.

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Speaker 1: I really feel for what you're going through, and I'm

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Speaker 1: so sorry because, yeah, friendship and girl code and sisterhood

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Speaker 1: wounds are fucking hard.

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Speaker 3: And also as well, like if you feel deep down

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Speaker 3: and you know that this is wrong, you can trust that. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: like that intuitive feeling that Paul is there for a reason.

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Speaker 3: It's there to support you and guide you, and like

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Speaker 3: you get to listen to yourself, and I know your

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Speaker 3: environment right now is not making it easy for you

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Speaker 3: to do that, But like, just because there's outside noise

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Speaker 3: doesn't mean that what you feel isn't true. Because you

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Speaker 3: know that you've been betrayed, you know that somebody did

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Speaker 3: wrong by you, you know that there was like a

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Speaker 3: break of commitment in the relationship. And also the thing

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Speaker 3: that you get to now look at and what I

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Speaker 3: guess I would be kind of highlighting or paying attention to,

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Speaker 3: is the continued level of disrespect.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not just right.

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Speaker 3: It's not like, oh, like my partner cheated, It's like, no, now,

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Speaker 3: this woman is trying to infiltrate my family unit. They

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Speaker 3: have a friendship to me, that is a fucking hard no,

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Speaker 3: like the fact that they even try and supporting it too.

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Speaker 3: But she even said, like their supposed friendship. I'm like,

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Speaker 3: what do you mean? In my eyes, I wouldn't allow that.

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Speaker 3: And also again, I can't say that that would be

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Speaker 3: true because I would never know until I'm in that position.

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Speaker 3: But with the way that I feel about like what

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Speaker 3: you said, integrity, I'm like, I just can't imagine myself

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Speaker 3: being like, oh, yeah, well they can still be friends.

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't trust it.

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Speaker 3: No, Wow, And the immediate thought in my head would

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Speaker 3: be like, oh no, he's just going to do the

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Speaker 3: same thing again.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, betrayal, living your nervous system to be

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Speaker 1: on all the time, worrying no, and also.

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Speaker 3: As well, you don't want to go to sleep a

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Speaker 3: nut and knowing the person you love or the person

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Speaker 3: you're supposed to trust the most betrayed you the most.

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Speaker 3: Like that's a hard pill to.

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Speaker 2: Swallow, a really hard pop.

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Speaker 3: It's like, you get to choose moving forward. And I

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Speaker 3: know this is easier said than done, so just know

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Speaker 3: I say this with love, But you get to choose, like,

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Speaker 3: whether they disrespect you once yes, or they continue.

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Speaker 2: To disrespect you?

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Speaker 1: What are you going to allow?

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Speaker 2: Where do you stand in this? What's your stance on

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Speaker 2: all of this?

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Speaker 1: I wonder where he's at too. Is he fully owning it?

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Speaker 1: Take responsibility? That's what he's gone again, like counseling you

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Speaker 1: guys working out together. He has cut this woman out

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Speaker 1: of his life. He's like, no more.

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Speaker 3: You know, I want to make up for you know,

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Speaker 3: like doing active steps too. He'll repair, rebond.

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Speaker 1: The relationship words are great and the words of informations girl,

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Speaker 1: but without action and change behavior, it means nothing. I

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Speaker 1: need to see one your willingness, what your plan is,

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Speaker 1: and show up and show me that it's going to

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Speaker 1: be different.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, has your behavior actively changed from what happened now?

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Speaker 3: Is there a significant difference in who you were then

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Speaker 3: and how you were showing up now?

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Speaker 2: Because that I'll believe.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's one of those choose your hard moments,

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Speaker 1: because if he isn't doing all of that, it's like, yes,

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Speaker 1: it's very hard to break up a family and co

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Speaker 1: parent and have two house. I can't even begin to

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Speaker 1: imagine how hard that'd be. And it will also be

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Speaker 1: hard to go to sleep at night next to someone

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Speaker 1: that has betrayed you and you're you're not feeling connected,

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Speaker 1: you're not feeling safe, you're opening up your body he

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Speaker 1: goes to work or wherever, and you don't trust him.

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Speaker 1: That that sounds way harder to me. Yeah, I'd rather

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Speaker 1: be fucking lonely and peaceful in my own home without

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Speaker 1: him there than feel lonely and so disturbed and worried

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Speaker 1: and anxious all the time and being under the same roof.

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Speaker 3: As I love that. Love that you said that, because

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Speaker 3: it is true. Like, imagine sitting and staying with somebody

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Speaker 3: who has betrayed you in a way that is unforgivable,

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Speaker 3: what that would do to your self worth because you're

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Speaker 3: actively enough moment choosing that like, Okay, this behavior is okay.

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Speaker 3: You know what this person did isn't that bad. And

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Speaker 3: the more that you stay, I think the more that

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Speaker 3: you have to make up reasons to justify what that

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Speaker 3: person did to make it okay to stay. I think

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Speaker 3: that's a really hard thing to sit with and a

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Speaker 3: hard pill to swallow, because that in itself makes your

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Speaker 3: self esteem go from all the way up here really

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Speaker 3: confident woman to like plummet all the way down to

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Speaker 3: the ground. Now all of a sudden, you're really anxious.

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Speaker 3: You're wondering where he's going, what he's doing, what his

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Speaker 3: other friendships are, Like every.

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Speaker 1: Other girl feels like a threat. Oh that to me

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Speaker 1: about this in a previous episode about cheating as well,

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Speaker 1: it was only a couple of weeks ago, and how

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Speaker 1: the other woman seems to get more of the blame. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: feels like the men don't get away with it, but

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Speaker 1: there's more focus on the woman. But I feel like

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Speaker 1: this focus and also needs to be a lot on

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Speaker 1: your husband. It's okay for you to feel angry and

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Speaker 1: like the girl code one hundred percent, we've acknowledged all

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Speaker 1: of that, but also your husband is the one that's

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Speaker 1: fully committed to you. I feel like he needs to

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Speaker 1: take so much responsibility for how this all happened, and

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Speaker 1: also see the trauma that he's now created by his actions.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, has he that girl out of his life?

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Speaker 1: Blocked her on Instagram? Like, done everything he can to

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Speaker 1: make sure you feel safe and secure to move forward

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Speaker 1: if you're choosing to stay with him.

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Speaker 3: To prove that he means business and he's serious about repairing. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: I love that you brought that part up about the

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Speaker 3: girl getting the more blame because like, of course it's

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Speaker 3: going to be triggering.

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Speaker 2: You can't see to blame her, but he's it a

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Speaker 2: blame because in your.

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Speaker 3: Head, you're like, I cannot comprehend somebody who is willing

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Speaker 3: to do that, because you're probably sitting there thinking, I

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Speaker 3: would never do that. I wouldn't want to break up

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Speaker 3: a family. I couldn't imagine myself actively pursuing a man

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Speaker 3: who's in a relationship with children. You know, So of

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Speaker 3: course it's going to be triggering.

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Speaker 1: But it's like you said, if you blame the woman,

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Speaker 1: then you're just find your husband's almost a little bit

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Speaker 1: innocent because you're choosing to stay with him. So you

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Speaker 1: have to kind of paint a picture that is not

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Speaker 1: as bad as what she was, that he's not as bad.

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Speaker 1: But they both they both, Yeah, you did this. You

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Speaker 1: have you need someone to blame. If you're the person

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Speaker 1: who's been done wrong by there has to be a villain.

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Speaker 2: Who's the villain? Yeah, the woman is easy to take

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Speaker 2: it out on the girl.

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Speaker 1: And don't get me.

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Speaker 3: Wrong, like both parties are at fault and like both

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Speaker 3: things need to you worked on. I think women need

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Speaker 3: to be taught from a young age morals, integrity, doing

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Speaker 3: the right thing right from wrong, actually learning how to

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Speaker 3: trust women from a young age, and having safe relationships

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Speaker 3: with women and then men on the other hand, Like,

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Speaker 3: if you're going to be in a commitment.

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Speaker 1: Oh so sorry you're going through though. It's tough, man,

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Speaker 1: it's really tough. For sending you so much love. We

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Speaker 1: hope this chat has helped you and just given you

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Speaker 1: permission to be angry and just choose you take care

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Speaker 1: of yourself.

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Speaker 2: And like be okay.

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Speaker 3: If you feel a little cutthroat in the way they

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Speaker 3: behave around this, You're allowed to be. You're allowed to be.

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Speaker 3: You're allowed to cut access if that doesn't feel right.

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Speaker 3: If you feel betrayed and you need space, you can

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Speaker 3: take space. Like give yourself permission to need and have

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Speaker 3: whatever it is that you feel you need right now.

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Speaker 1: I always think about situations like this when you're in it.

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Speaker 1: It's obviously so much harder, but I always think about

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Speaker 1: whatever situation I'm in, if my daughter was in this

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Speaker 1: exact situation, what advice would I be giving her? If

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Speaker 1: your daughter went through the exact situation you're in. Would

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Speaker 1: you be encouraging her to stay, would you be encouraging

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Speaker 1: her to stand up for herself? Would you be encouraging

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Speaker 1: her to release her anger in a healthy way? Would

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Speaker 1: you be telling her to supper and get angry or

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Speaker 1: what advice would you give? That's the advice you need

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Speaker 1: to give yourself. I shouldn't be different to what you

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Speaker 1: would give your daughter. Absolutely, you are just as worthy

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Speaker 1: of being treated right. You were just as worthy of

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Speaker 1: self love, and you were just as worthy to have

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Speaker 1: everything you desire and to be treated the way that

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Speaker 1: you want to be treated, just like your daughter is.

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Speaker 2: I love that?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: And you know what, that is so powerful. If there's

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Speaker 3: one thing that you take from this whole episode, let

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Speaker 3: it be that. Because as she did this to me

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Speaker 3: when I was getting ready to break up with my

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Speaker 3: last partner, and she said the exact same thing to me,

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Speaker 3: we sat in the car, side by side and we're

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Speaker 3: looking at each other and she goes, tis, if it

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Speaker 3: were me, what would you tell me to do?

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Speaker 2: I fucking know what you would have told me to do.

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Speaker 3: And I just like that moment, something in my brain

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Speaker 3: switched and I was like, oh my god, like I'm

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Speaker 3: actually not living to the standard that I would hold

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Speaker 3: for everyone else in my life. Yeah, And I was like, yeah,

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Speaker 3: like what you just said, you were deserving of that too.

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Speaker 3: It'll be a game changer for you. It'll be hard,

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Speaker 3: so hard, but it'll be the best thing they ever do.

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Speaker 1: Definitely, Well, I love you, sending you lots of love

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Speaker 1: and we're here if you need anything, if can always

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Speaker 1: pop into my dmsen another submission.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, Bye guys, Bye,