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Speaker 1: Okay, welcome to the show. Thanks for downloading the podcast.

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Speaker 1: This is Better Than Yesterday. Useful tools and useful conversations

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Speaker 1: to make your day to day better than yesterday, every

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Speaker 1: single week since twenty thirteen.

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Speaker 2: My name Joshia Ginzburg. I'm very glad you're here.

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Speaker 1: Ten years ago now, when I was struggling with my

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Speaker 1: mental health, I really needed to be able to read

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Speaker 1: a book that would really kind of lay out a

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Speaker 1: step by step way that I could think about the

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Speaker 1: problems that I was facing. And I couldn't find a

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Speaker 1: book that was like the book that I needed. So

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Speaker 1: I wrote one with the help of an eminent psychologist

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Speaker 1: who specializes in act or accepting commitment therapy and with

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Speaker 1: brilliant illustrations boys Truthless, also know as Campbell Walker.

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Speaker 2: It's called So What Now What?

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Speaker 1: And in this book, I lay out step by step

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Speaker 1: the very thinking tools that I found to be nothing

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Speaker 1: short of life changing.

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Speaker 2: It's a tool, really, it's a book, yes, but it's

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Speaker 2: a tool.

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Speaker 1: A tool to use when you or someone your love

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Speaker 1: is kind of struggling and nothing seems to you make

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Speaker 1: any better, and in fact things are just getting worse.

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Speaker 1: If you like this podcast, if this podcast brings you value.

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Speaker 1: The greatest way you could probably repay me at all

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Speaker 1: is to pre order that book. You can find a

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Speaker 1: link in the show notes pre order this book. It

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Speaker 1: sends a massive signal to the publishers of the book

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Speaker 1: and the people that order books and stockshelves that this

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Speaker 1: is a book worth getting behind, and I'd really appreciate it.

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Speaker 1: If you do order the book, email me a screenshot

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Speaker 1: of when you bought it. Send Asher email at gmail

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Speaker 1: dot com and I'll send you something to say a big,

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Speaker 1: big thank you. Now, the book does offer us some advice,

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Speaker 1: but it is like any advice, it's up to you

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Speaker 1: to do something with it. There's a piece of advice

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Speaker 1: that I've heard a lot. I'm sure you have to

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Speaker 1: just be yourself. Seems simple enough, doesn't that? But is

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Speaker 1: it really? Today's conversation is all about authenticity, what it

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Speaker 1: really is, how we can find it for ourselves, and

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Speaker 1: why it's kind of vital that we do find that authenticity.

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Speaker 2: There's also a fair.

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Speaker 1: Bit in there about dancing to get the worries away,

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Speaker 1: but we'll get to that right. Just before we get

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Speaker 1: to my guest today, I forgot to mention that the

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Speaker 1: next live show if you want to come check out

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Speaker 1: the live show on the sixth of the July. We're

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Speaker 1: at the Factory Theater in Merrickville with Story Club. We

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Speaker 1: do the storytelling show every single month. Joining me is

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Speaker 1: Marley Silva, Merrick Watts, Phil O'Neill, Ugly, Phil Nadia Townshend,

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Speaker 1: Zoey Norton Lodge.

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Speaker 2: The theme We're all.

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Speaker 1: Telling stories long and the theme everybody needs good neighbors

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Speaker 1: linkers in the show notes.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: So my guest today, Kat John is her name. She

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Speaker 1: is fantastic. She's an authenticity coach, She's a speaker, she

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Speaker 1: hosts a podcast called Raw, Real and Relatable. She's the

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Speaker 1: author of the brand new book Authentic Coming Home to

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Speaker 1: Your True Self. She just mind having a bit of

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Speaker 1: a zero fux given boogie on the socials either and

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Speaker 1: I actually put together a playlist that you'll hear is

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Speaker 1: talking about music and I'm put together an entire playlist

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Speaker 1: you'll find link in the show notes. Because what I

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Speaker 1: do love about Cat is she really devotes herself to

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Speaker 1: sharing the message of how important it is to be

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Speaker 1: authentic and helping people to live that way every single day.

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Speaker 1: And she does this so partly because she has some

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Speaker 1: very painful firsthand experience in what happens when you don't

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Speaker 1: live authentically and where that can lead you to. Cat

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Speaker 1: is a delight to be around. She radiates energy and positivity.

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Speaker 1: You're going to love spending time with it, just like

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Speaker 1: I did enjoy this conversation with Cat. John, thank you

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Speaker 1: for coming pleasure. I'm grateful, rightful you came, and you

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Speaker 1: must be thrilled.

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Speaker 2: To have a book under your belt. That done. It's

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Speaker 2: quite the thing. You don't write it once, do you?

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Speaker 3: You don't write it once, No, you.

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Speaker 1: Got like fives you end up writing it, I reckon.

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Speaker 3: There were three passes in that.

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Speaker 4: They were like, yeah, it's sort of there, nah, sort

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Speaker 4: of there nuh, And then it took me. The third

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Speaker 4: would go, we're actually put a mic on, and I dictated.

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Speaker 4: I just started sharing what I would usually share, what

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Speaker 4: I was trying to type out, but I was trying

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Speaker 4: to make it too sophisticated. I was trying to make

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Speaker 4: it sound smart. I was in my head about the

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Speaker 4: penguin people. I've got to make it cool for the

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Speaker 4: penguin people. I'm like, who the hell are these penguin people?

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Speaker 4: So as soon as I put the mic on and dictated,

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Speaker 4: I was like, that's what I look like.

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: Yeah on paper? Then it was good, right yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 2: It's fatiful.

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Speaker 1: It's tricky to be able to I mean, words are great.

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Speaker 1: Our youngest is learning how to read them right now.

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Speaker 1: They're very good for communicating ideas. But sometimes it can

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Speaker 1: become a bit of a barrier. So it's wonderful we

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Speaker 1: have tools like that, definitely, because somebody like you might

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Speaker 1: not have been able to put that book out twenty

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Speaker 1: years ago.

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Speaker 2: Without that tool. Correct, it's pretty good.

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Speaker 1: We are going to probably talk a bit about this

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Speaker 1: because it is your bread and butter. If we were

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Speaker 1: going to talk about being authentic, like what is for you?

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Speaker 1: You talk about authenticity? How do you as a concept?

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Speaker 1: How do you define it?

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Speaker 4: Yeah? I mean, look, it's a big concept and I

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Speaker 4: think it gets thrown around a lot at the minute.

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Speaker 4: It's kind of like the cool word authentic leadership or

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Speaker 4: be authentic or be real or whatever it may be.

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Speaker 4: You do you you do you boo? I think is

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Speaker 4: a hashtag that's been out for a bit, but I guess,

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Speaker 4: to me, to me what it is, it's to be relaxed,

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Speaker 4: in yourself to be at ease within yourself. And I

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Speaker 4: certainly know what it feels like to not feel relaxed

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Speaker 4: in myself and be at ease with myself and walk

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Speaker 4: into rooms and think, I've got to be like this,

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Speaker 4: I've got to be like that. My gut is like tight,

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Speaker 4: my jaw is clenched, I'm holding my breath, and it's like, hey,

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Speaker 4: why am I doing that? Why do I think that

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Speaker 4: I need to I don't know, put on some kind

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Speaker 4: of unnatural persona that might get me more likes, that

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Speaker 4: might get me more fit ins, that might get me

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Speaker 4: chosen here there or wherever. And I get that sometimes

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Speaker 4: we need our persona and our personality to get places

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Speaker 4: in life. But to me, authenticity is it's like it's

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Speaker 4: taken a seat in yourself and going.

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Speaker 3: That feels good?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: What does it's for example, put it in a work context.

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Speaker 1: What does being authentic like? What is showing up and

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Speaker 1: being authentic at work look like?

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Speaker 3: Okay, I'll give you an example.

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Speaker 4: So this morning I had a speaking engagement and typically

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Speaker 4: before we speaking.

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Speaker 2: That corporate money. You go get it. You don't make

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Speaker 2: money selling books in Australia. You make money talk about

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Speaker 2: books in Australia.

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Speaker 3: This is true.

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Speaker 2: Oh tell me about it. My second book coming out August.

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Speaker 3: This is true, true fact.

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Speaker 4: So typically, before speaking engagements, this little part of me,

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Speaker 4: which I call the ego, the part that keeps that

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Speaker 4: tries to keep me separate from myself, my relaxed, at ease,

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Speaker 4: authentic self. Oh my gosh, it's just like, you better

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Speaker 4: be funny, you better make them laugh, you better be intelligent,

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Speaker 4: you better know your stuff, you better be even coming here,

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Speaker 4: even going to whatever other type of speaking engagement that

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Speaker 4: I've been to, there is this something there that says

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Speaker 4: you have to be someone that you're not because who

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Speaker 4: you are and what you've got to share just ain't enough, right,

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Speaker 4: just ain't enough. So that might mean if I listen

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Speaker 4: to that, then I'm going to try and be funny

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Speaker 4: and I'm going to look for people laughing, and if

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Speaker 4: they don't laugh, I'm going to feel shit about myself. Right,

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Speaker 4: I'm going to feel like I've failed. I'm going to

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Speaker 4: feel like I haven't done my job. So okay, let

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Speaker 4: me be the smart one. And if I try and

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Speaker 4: reel off some kind of fact that I'm pulling out

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Speaker 4: of something I've googled from however long ago. And if

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Speaker 4: I get someone who raises their eyebrows and it's like

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Speaker 4: h and then write something, I'll think tick.

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Speaker 3: Right. So then I'll keep putting into my.

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Speaker 4: Evidence bank, my ego evidence bank, keep doing that because

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Speaker 4: that's what gets you the tick, the approval, the head nod,

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Speaker 4: the laugh, the whatever it may be. And then I'd

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Speaker 4: be walking off that stage or walking away.

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Speaker 3: From here, going where was I in that? Like? Where

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Speaker 3: was I in that? I wasn't there.

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Speaker 4: I was putting on something that I felt I needed

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Speaker 4: to do in order to fill in the blank.

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Speaker 1: So that's how you talk about it in a work context.

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Speaker 1: What about in a for example, in a relationship context,

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Speaker 1: in particularly an intimate relationship.

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Speaker 2: Yep.

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Speaker 4: So before my husband, Wow, I used to date and

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Speaker 4: basically buried my relaxed, authentic self ten feet under.

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Speaker 3: I would go there.

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Speaker 4: Really kind of at the forefront, wondering who would they

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Speaker 4: like me to be? Who would they like me to be?

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Speaker 4: So if they like sports, I'd like sports. If they

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Speaker 4: like to go fishing on the weekends, I love fishing too.

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Speaker 4: Oh they love that soccer team, Sure, I love that

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Speaker 4: soccer team. They'll go to the toilet and I'm googling

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Speaker 4: that soccer team.

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Speaker 1: Is that moment I love it? Is that moment from

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Speaker 1: coming to America?

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Speaker 2: What is your favorite food? Whatever you like?

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Speaker 3: Is that where you were loving is? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Because I'm thinking that Eddie Murphy having the conversation really

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Speaker 1: black and dog.

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Speaker 2: It's like, it's that but I had to stand it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, And so when they would come back from

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Speaker 2: the bathroom, you'd be like, oh, yeah, as Malan true?

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Speaker 2: How good is h Ronald?

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Speaker 3: Do love their uniform?

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Speaker 2: Great kit? I believe it's called Yeah, I get it?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, right, So that.

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Speaker 1: Puts the idea I'm guessing and I don't want to

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Speaker 1: extrapolate too much from it, but the idea then is

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Speaker 1: that you're putting on a front for this person, and

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Speaker 1: what happens then if the relationship progresses, at some point

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Speaker 1: you're going to show up and you're like, I don't

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Speaker 1: really want to watch this game. I don't actually care

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Speaker 1: about this, and then their surprise going, well, what's wrong

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Speaker 1: with you? This was fine three months ago? Yes, because

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Speaker 1: there is that moment after you stop shagging, when you

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Speaker 1: actually have to start talking to each other, and that's

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Speaker 1: all that stuff shows up it's a difficult time to

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Speaker 1: go through.

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Speaker 4: For everybody you like slam dunk. It's true though, It's

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Speaker 4: absolutely true. It's absolutely true. And when I got together

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Speaker 4: with my now husband, even when I met him, like,

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Speaker 4: I'd done a lot of work on myself up until

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Speaker 4: that point, but this particular area of my life when

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Speaker 4: it came to love and relationships was.

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Speaker 3: My sore spot.

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Speaker 4: My deep, deep, dark, wonderful belief underneath that loves to

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Speaker 4: mess with me is you're unlovable as you are, You're unlovable.

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Speaker 4: And like I said, I've done a lot of work,

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Speaker 4: and still when I met him, when we were dating,

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Speaker 4: he'd be like, what pizza.

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Speaker 3: Do you want? Internally?

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Speaker 4: I don't want pizza externally, Perry Perry chicken please.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 4: I wrote that story in my book because that's just

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Speaker 4: how easily I went. I would just jump out of

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Speaker 4: myself and I would go, I don't want to be

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Speaker 4: a drainer.

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Speaker 3: I want to be easy going.

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Speaker 4: I want to be the kind of girlfriend that's just like, yeah, she's.

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Speaker 3: Such an awesome chick, she doesn't bust my balls. I

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Speaker 3: want it to be that one.

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Speaker 4: That's an example of that, but again birthed from I

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Speaker 4: believe I'm unlovable. My ego beliefs, my limiting belief believes

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Speaker 4: I'm unlovable as I am, so Perry Perry Chicken adds

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Speaker 4: some extra sauce things.

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Speaker 1: So both of those exams. Let's just talk about the

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Speaker 1: work one for a second. Yeah, there is an amount

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Speaker 1: of inauthenticity that has been very beneficial to my career.

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Speaker 1: All right, I could totally do that. Yes, of course,

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Speaker 1: I'll see you Monday. The entire weekend spent learning how

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Speaker 1: to use a bit of software or whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever,

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Speaker 1: so that no one's career exists without that, fully, none

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Speaker 1: of me being inauthentic to telling the person hiring me yep,

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Speaker 1: but I deliver yep. So it is, it is there, Yes,

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Speaker 1: it is so there is surely has got to be

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Speaker 1: a little bit of play in this one.

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Speaker 3: And that's why I said before.

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Speaker 4: Sometimes our personalities that get us into places and spaces

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Speaker 4: and meetings, et cetera, they can be used for good, right, So,

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Speaker 4: like a hyperachiever, for example, if that is their persona

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Speaker 4: that they have built that has gotten them across the

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Speaker 4: line in many areas of life, amazing, if that gets

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Speaker 4: them promoted, if that gets them ahead here or wherever

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Speaker 4: good for you.

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Speaker 3: You know, it's when it starts to.

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Speaker 4: Dominate their life where they then keep chasing that at

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Speaker 4: the expense of whatever that might be the expense of

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Speaker 4: their family, the expense of listening to their soul, the

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Speaker 4: expense of being able to rest, because they're just now

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Speaker 4: so used to hyperachieving that they have to get the chase,

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Speaker 4: they have to chase, they have to get the win.

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Speaker 3: What I talk.

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Speaker 4: About is when it becomes the leading role in our

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Speaker 4: life that gets a little tricky.

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Speaker 1: Tell me about what we might be able to do

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Speaker 1: to because this might be the first time someone's considered this,

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Speaker 1: or they might have heard this, and God, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm definitely authentic, and I'll ask it in this way

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Speaker 1: just through I don't even care how it happened. But

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Speaker 1: I know that I rarely get context clues from a

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Speaker 1: situation that I'm in. Something's going in a good or

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Speaker 1: bad direction? Right, Just notice inside my body, Ah, that's weird.

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Speaker 2: Ah, this is.

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Speaker 1: Usually my notice thing that something's not great here. Like

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Speaker 1: I don't notice something sometimes I don't just where my

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Speaker 1: brain is. Sometimes I don't know faces or emotion sometimes,

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Speaker 1: but my body does, and so maybe that's the way

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Speaker 1: to answer the question. But how might we explore and

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Speaker 1: how a might being the feeling of inauthenticity show up

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Speaker 1: within us.

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Speaker 4: It's such a good question, and you pointed out just

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Speaker 4: a really important one body awareness. So if before you know, like,

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Speaker 4: for example, me coming here, if I'm relaxed, if I'm good,

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Speaker 4: if I'm just you know, fluffing up my hair and

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Speaker 4: getting ready, et cetera.

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Speaker 1: Great hair by the way, like it's whatever's going on there,

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Speaker 1: you know it's a perm. Well, now this is a

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Speaker 1: thing that's as a perm supreme.

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Speaker 3: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: It's supreme, because I mean, I'm very lucky.

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Speaker 2: I'm nearly fifty one. I've got all my own hair.

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Speaker 1: That's pretty You've got Filipino Filipina going on here. So

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Speaker 1: there's like a lot of follicle you can work with.

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Speaker 2: Pretty good.

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Speaker 3: They are thick follicles.

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Speaker 2: Be there's a joint. I was actually thinking about it

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Speaker 2: because you know, I'm in the mullet years, and I

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Speaker 2: was asking. You always ask them hair and makeup artists,

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Speaker 2: where should I go?

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Speaker 1: And they get there's a place, and it's in Haymarket

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Speaker 1: and they only do Korean boy band mullets. That's the

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Speaker 1: only thing they do. That's it. They just look after

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Speaker 1: all of your ts, boys.

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Speaker 2: And that's the one haircut. Go get it. I might

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Speaker 2: have to be it's the one.

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Speaker 1: It's there's no like, there's no photos of like which

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Speaker 1: one I want to seventeen?

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Speaker 2: Please? Wan? The shortback and eye is like, nope, you're

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Speaker 2: getting that one. You get the bts. That's it. But

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Speaker 2: they do perms, they perm they perm the boys.

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Speaker 4: I ask every year, I say to my hairdresser, are

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Speaker 4: you are you with me for another year? Because what

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Speaker 4: the hell am I going to do without you? And

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Speaker 4: this perm it is.

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Speaker 3: I appreciate the acknowledgment' thank you.

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Speaker 2: I can't remember what we're talking about before. We were

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Speaker 2: talking about recognizing things now boy.

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Speaker 4: So yeah, before, if I'm there fluffing my hair, feeling good,

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Speaker 4: feeling relaxed in the uber, feeling chill, and then when

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Speaker 4: I rock up to the building and I notice, like

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Speaker 4: I said before, if I'm holding my stomach, or if

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Speaker 4: I'm feeling really tight in my chest, if I'm only

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Speaker 4: breathing in the upper area of my chest and not

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Speaker 4: deep into my belly, or if I'm clenching my jaw.

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Speaker 4: If my shoulders are really tight, that's a really beautiful

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Speaker 4: indicator of hey, hey, something might be going on here,

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Speaker 4: and what is going on here? So body awareness is

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Speaker 4: it's such a big clue. It's such a big clue

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Speaker 4: because your body is there in time and space, and

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Speaker 4: if we can get out of our head to acknowledge

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Speaker 4: what is currently going in my body? Can I do

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Speaker 4: a quick body scan of all right, there's something going

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Speaker 4: on in my gut?

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Speaker 3: Is there an emotion there? Okay?

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Speaker 2: Is that emotion pizza last night? Is it still fucking

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Speaker 2: with me?

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Speaker 1: Or?

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Speaker 2: Am I scared?

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Speaker 4: Exactly? Exactly? I know it's going to be scared because

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Speaker 4: now I.

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Speaker 3: Don't don't very very fast or anymore? Am I like do? Okay?

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Speaker 4: So if I'm scared, then what story might I be

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Speaker 4: telling myself? I'm I'm less than Usher, I'm not as

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Speaker 4: cool as Usher. What if I stuff up on this

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Speaker 4: and it's like okay, cool? How can I get present again?

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Speaker 4: How can I come back into my relaxed, at ease

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Speaker 4: and natural self.

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Speaker 3: And for every single person, that's going to be something different.

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Speaker 4: It might be a little phrase, it might be a

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Speaker 4: little tap, might be you know, just a quiet you know,

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Speaker 4: pad on the chest or a little rub of the

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Speaker 4: legs or just closing of the eyes. For me as

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Speaker 4: another example, if people find it difficult for body awareness,

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Speaker 4: what I tend to find is when I am inauthentic

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Speaker 4: or when I am off, I like I drain my

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Speaker 4: energy really quickly. Now, I know that still comes back

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Speaker 4: to body awareness, but it's like I go to something

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Speaker 4: and I had all this energy and I come back

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Speaker 4: and I'm ruined. I'm spent, I've got nothing left in me,

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Speaker 4: none of me is left intact. Right, So again I

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Speaker 4: know that comes down to body awareness, but it's like, wow,

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Speaker 4: how much did I give out?

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Speaker 3: And was that necessary?

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Speaker 4: And if it wasn't necessary, then why did I feel

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Speaker 4: the need to give that much out? Again, it comes

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Speaker 4: to what's the story going on in my head? What's

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Speaker 4: the belief rattling around in there?

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Speaker 1: And what are some things we might be able to

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Speaker 1: do to identify what that story is.

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Speaker 4: So like I write in my book and I didn't

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Speaker 4: mean that.

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Speaker 3: Actually didn't mean that.

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Speaker 2: You can buy a PDF course com always be closing.

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Speaker 3: My husband says that too.

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Speaker 4: There is an exercise in there called the ego clearing exercise, Right,

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Speaker 4: So you know that picture of the iceberg, So there's

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Speaker 4: a little bit above the water and there's like a

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Speaker 4: shit ton below the water. This is what it does.

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Speaker 4: That's what the ego clearing exercise is meant to do.

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Speaker 4: It's meant to deep dive into the stuff that goes

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Speaker 4: on inside of your head. So part of it is

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Speaker 4: what's the situation. Situation is I had an event, I've

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Speaker 4: come away from it and I am completely spent. None

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Speaker 4: of me is left intact. So situation is that's what

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Speaker 4: I did, and now I feel like this thoughts are

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Speaker 4: I felt like I needed to perform. I felt like

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Speaker 4: I needed to impress. I felt like I needed to

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Speaker 4: be important. I felt like I needed to whatever it

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Speaker 4: might be. And then we take the tool a little

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Speaker 4: bit deeper where we go, what am I now making

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Speaker 4: this mean about me? Right? Because that's what the ego does.

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Speaker 4: It puts a lot of meaning on ourself. That can

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Speaker 4: it then compares ourself against others, and then it can

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Speaker 4: have a pretty jaded view of life. So if we

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Speaker 4: use that example, what the ego might be making it

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Speaker 4: mean about yourself is as I am, I'm not enough.

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Speaker 4: Everyone else seems to have that something they've got the factor,

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00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,040
Speaker 4: they got the sparkle, they were born with something that

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Speaker 4: I don't have. I have to work doubly as hard

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Speaker 4: as what they have to. And so we're starting to

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Speaker 4: get into Okay, here is some painful territory. No one

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Speaker 4: wants to do this work, but I believe it's important

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Speaker 4: work right to we start to get to know ourselves.

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Speaker 4: And that's why I call it befriending the ego. It's

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Speaker 4: not about pretending it doesn't exist. It's about really coming

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Speaker 4: close to it and going what's going on here?

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Speaker 3: And so if that's.

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Speaker 4: What it believes about yourself and then about others, then

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Speaker 4: usually that's when it will start to say life's unfair,

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Speaker 4: life's a joke. It easier than me. Life's not, you know,

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Speaker 4: supporting me. The universe doesn't have my back, whatever it

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00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:09,000
Speaker 4: might be. The next two questions are, if I remained

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Speaker 4: focused on this, what's the outcome? Right? If I remain

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00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:14,240
Speaker 4: focused on I am not enough as I am, what's

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Speaker 4: the outcome? The outcome is you'll never get to know

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Speaker 4: who you are because you'll forever be thinking that you

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Speaker 4: have to be more.

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Speaker 3: Than who you are.

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Speaker 4: And the last question of the exercise is what's my

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Speaker 4: true next best step or what's my truth? Or where

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Speaker 4: would I rather place my focus or what am I

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Speaker 4: going to make matter that is more than this?

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Speaker 3: And that's where the work begins.

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Speaker 4: Right. Everyone's answer to that question is going to be

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Speaker 4: very personal, and that I believe comes from our intuition

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Speaker 4: or in a voice or maybe a therapist, maybe the

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Speaker 4: you know, when you're out in nature and just something

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Speaker 4: comes to you.

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Speaker 1: As an example, what could that next best step look like?

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Speaker 1: In the example you've given of, Like, I've been in

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Speaker 1: a work thing and absolutely cooked by the end of it,

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Speaker 1: way more than I normally am. It was so far

436
00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:08,119
Speaker 1: from what I'm comfortable, and you've done all these things.

437
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,919
Speaker 1: What it's the final moment there? What's the next best

438
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,919
Speaker 1: step look like? What can it look like?

439
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:13,400
Speaker 2: Yeah?

440
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,440
Speaker 4: So what it can look like is, for an example,

441
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,639
Speaker 4: deeper self inquiry into this. So, for example, that deeper

442
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,080
Speaker 4: self inquiry might look like, how often am I doing this?

443
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,840
Speaker 4: How often am I doing this? Am I doing this

444
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:31,080
Speaker 4: more than I've cared to acknowledge? And if then that

445
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,359
Speaker 4: person starts to see a real pattern, a real pattern

446
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,760
Speaker 4: that has played across their relationships, their work wherever it

447
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:42,800
Speaker 4: may be, then that next best step would lead to

448
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:44,800
Speaker 4: where is this come from?

449
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:45,560
Speaker 3: Right?

450
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,640
Speaker 4: Because some people don't know where their beliefs have come from.

451
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:50,600
Speaker 4: They don't know why it's there, They don't know what

452
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,920
Speaker 4: might have happened in childhood or whatever whatever it might be.

453
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:58,520
Speaker 4: Where did this belief come from? And did it come

454
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:02,680
Speaker 4: from watching my dad or my mum or my caregiver.

455
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,719
Speaker 4: Was it a societal belief that I just took on?

456
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,679
Speaker 4: Was it sibling rivalry and I thought I have to

457
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,600
Speaker 4: be better than my older brother or more important than

458
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:15,040
Speaker 4: my younger sister, whatever? It might be another next best step?

459
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:23,320
Speaker 4: If I can have this belief and not make it

460
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:27,920
Speaker 4: like the springboard that I behave from what life could

461
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:32,080
Speaker 4: be possible? How could it be when I walked into

462
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:35,119
Speaker 4: a room, How could it be when I ran a

463
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,119
Speaker 4: management meeting? How could it be when I speak in

464
00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:42,360
Speaker 4: front of everyone here? To start tapping into some kind

465
00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:43,560
Speaker 4: of realm of possibility?

466
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:48,080
Speaker 2: I find it quite useful to then name that.

467
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, what do you mean? Tell me more?

468
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:50,720
Speaker 4: Well?

469
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:54,239
Speaker 1: I give him dumb names. Yeah, really, I give him

470
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:58,840
Speaker 1: dumb superhero names. Well, Captain Catastrophe. He's fucking great at

471
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:02,159
Speaker 1: what he does, and so when I Sometimes when I

472
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,800
Speaker 1: get that feeling, it's meant to take a while at first,

473
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,840
Speaker 1: But once you notice it, it's not like you can

474
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,400
Speaker 1: stop this stuff from happening, all right, no one.

475
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,280
Speaker 3: No, not at all.

476
00:24:10,359 --> 00:24:12,480
Speaker 1: It is some of this stuff is so hardwired. It

477
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:15,960
Speaker 1: is like source code. You simply can't ride over. And

478
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,320
Speaker 1: that's okay if you know how to manage it. And

479
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:24,240
Speaker 1: so that shows up the moment I notice it, like, ah,

480
00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:27,080
Speaker 1: there's captain catastrophe, thanks pal, I'm just going to keep

481
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 1: doing this thing, thanks man, rather than and because then

482
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,119
Speaker 1: it's just there. As soon as you notice it, it's

483
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:35,960
Speaker 1: separate from you, and you find yourself a lot freer

484
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:39,640
Speaker 1: to make decisions that aren't based in that there it

485
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,439
Speaker 1: can be tricky because it sometimes takes about twenty minutes

486
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:47,920
Speaker 1: for those hormonal floods to dissipate, and sometimes I've got

487
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,879
Speaker 1: to be very careful about how I'm breathing and stuff

488
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,680
Speaker 1: like that, so I don't make a choice from that

489
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:57,120
Speaker 1: heightened state. But you know, if you are, if you're

490
00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:58,879
Speaker 1: really swinging for the fences in life, you're going to

491
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,320
Speaker 1: be exposing yourself to the that are for intense And

492
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,640
Speaker 1: I'm a firm believer, and you've got to go. You've

493
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:06,560
Speaker 1: got to go to the point where things are frightening.

494
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:13,280
Speaker 1: Otherwise it just everything gets so boring looking in places

495
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,560
Speaker 1: that possibly aren't healthy for stimulation. Yeah, when we speak

496
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:22,040
Speaker 1: about authenticity, we see authenticity in relationship to I want

497
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:23,680
Speaker 1: to be loved, or I want to be of service,

498
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:28,880
Speaker 1: or here's my values. But we rarely see conversations around

499
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:34,600
Speaker 1: authenticity when it comes to anger upset, which are normal

500
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 1: human emotions. What's the challenge in that and how can

501
00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:45,359
Speaker 1: we perhaps find a space for anger to authentically show

502
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,600
Speaker 1: up in a safe way so that we don't then

503
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,919
Speaker 1: make choices from that place.

504
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:55,000
Speaker 4: It's a really great point, and I think that sort

505
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,159
Speaker 4: of two points. The immediate one that comes up is

506
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:04,040
Speaker 4: anger is an authentic emotion, right, same as sadness, shame, whatever,

507
00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:09,400
Speaker 4: whatever like That is an authentic, real, raw natural emotion.

508
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:11,679
Speaker 3: I reckon.

509
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,560
Speaker 4: The second part is, especially in my world, coaching world,

510
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:23,080
Speaker 4: or the spiritual world, personal development world, it's this, this

511
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:24,840
Speaker 4: is a fine line that I dance with it, but

512
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,640
Speaker 4: there's always it's like better better better better better better

513
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,920
Speaker 4: better better better, do better, be better, positive, be better,

514
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,600
Speaker 4: be positive, be better, be happy, be positive.

515
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:39,119
Speaker 1: Written on the podcast, mate, I know it does what

516
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:40,399
Speaker 1: it says on the box.

517
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:45,400
Speaker 2: Fine hoops, not all. It's quite design. I am here

518
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:45,679
Speaker 2: with you.

519
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:47,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, no, I know you are. I know you are.

520
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:54,920
Speaker 4: It's it almost becomes that's not that's not a very

521
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:55,720
Speaker 4: spiritual thing.

522
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,360
Speaker 3: Is it getting angry? That's not a very this.

523
00:26:58,359 --> 00:26:59,680
Speaker 2: Is the thing? Yeah?

524
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:02,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, ah, that's so. I thought you went to a

525
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,639
Speaker 3: course and you know you're still angry.

526
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:05,879
Speaker 2: Did you do that weekend thing.

527
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:12,720
Speaker 3: You did? Ayahuascar? I thought you had some incredible revelation.

528
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:23,360
Speaker 4: You wrote a book on authenticity, Like, how come you're

529
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,840
Speaker 4: still an angry little bitch?

530
00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:26,560
Speaker 3: Right?

531
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:33,920
Speaker 4: Because I'm freaking human, you know, And and that.

532
00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:33,240
Speaker 3: That's what I talk about.

533
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,919
Speaker 4: And again, I really don't mean to keep referencing the

534
00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:38,400
Speaker 4: book to plug it. It's just what's in my book, right,

535
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:40,960
Speaker 4: because I know you're giving you hang.

536
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,960
Speaker 2: But this is the deal, all right? Tickets to the

537
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,040
Speaker 2: Story Club you can check in the show notes.

538
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:53,160
Speaker 3: Look at us doing our own ads? How good?

539
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:54,919
Speaker 2: Else? Else is how good are we?

540
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,840
Speaker 4: At the At the end of it, in the epilogue,

541
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,879
Speaker 4: I write about the Forever Dance. It's actually it's actually

542
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:05,400
Speaker 4: my favorite part of it because I talk about how

543
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:10,960
Speaker 4: one moment you're gonna feel like you're farting unicorn rainbows,

544
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 4: that you're on top of the world. Everything's in flow,

545
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:16,560
Speaker 4: the universe has got your back. Your wife's being a legend,

546
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,560
Speaker 4: your kids are awesome, and you're like, oh my gosh,

547
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 4: everything is on my side. And then someone cuts you

548
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:25,000
Speaker 4: off in traffic. Your wife then sends you a funny

549
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:27,360
Speaker 4: little text or gives you a funny look. Your kids

550
00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:28,560
Speaker 4: are being just a little.

551
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:29,920
Speaker 3: Bit more noisy than what they usually would.

552
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,760
Speaker 4: That's gnawing on your perfect alignment that you're having before,

553
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:34,960
Speaker 4: and you're not feeling so ace, and you start to

554
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,880
Speaker 4: get angry, and you start to get resentful, you start

555
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:38,240
Speaker 4: to feel ungrateful for your life.

556
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:43,240
Speaker 3: And that's it, right, That is the dance.

557
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:46,600
Speaker 4: Of being human, where we move from and in and

558
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,000
Speaker 4: out of authenticity.

559
00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:52,400
Speaker 3: There are layers to it, there are levels to it.

560
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,960
Speaker 4: There's a sliding scale of it, and sometimes we are

561
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:58,200
Speaker 4: so close to it that it's like we've died and

562
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 4: gone to heaven, and other times we are so far

563
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:04,920
Speaker 4: away from it. And my point that I love to

564
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:08,080
Speaker 4: share is that it's all okay, Like it's one hundred

565
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:11,560
Speaker 4: percent all okay. Now, obviously there's the big asterisks of

566
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:15,960
Speaker 4: we want to be able to in safe ways express

567
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,160
Speaker 4: our anger, whether it be boxing, whether it be gone

568
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 4: for a run, whether it be I don't know, angry dancing,

569
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:25,800
Speaker 4: whether it be screaming into a pillow, taking a drive

570
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,320
Speaker 4: and just listening to Metallica.

571
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,160
Speaker 2: Why would I want to listen to soft rock? Why

572
00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:32,600
Speaker 2: would I want to listen to like Middle of the

573
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:34,160
Speaker 2: Road old man music.

574
00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 3: Middle of the Road, old man music. What would you

575
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:38,080
Speaker 3: listen to?

576
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,680
Speaker 2: Oh, I'll tell you what I was listening to.

577
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:45,800
Speaker 4: Go oh, okay, okay, whilst you were angry or just look.

578
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,880
Speaker 1: Let's just say that my electric Harley Davidson and I

579
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:50,360
Speaker 1: had a really fun drive here.

580
00:29:52,760 --> 00:30:05,479
Speaker 2: Listening to It's good. If you're being cut off by

581
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:06,800
Speaker 2: an Audi Q seven.

582
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:13,520
Speaker 3: Registration, this is really useful. Oh my gosh, that is hilarious.

583
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:17,720
Speaker 1: Australian Australian kind of hardcore electronica from nineteen ninety five,

584
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:22,120
Speaker 1: using eight bit samples. It sounds like sandpaper. It's terrifying,

585
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:23,480
Speaker 1: but sometimes useful.

586
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:26,720
Speaker 3: We all have our ill.

587
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:27,400
Speaker 2: Keep derailing it.

588
00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:31,640
Speaker 1: I love it, but anger and in the context I'm

589
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:34,280
Speaker 1: number two of four boys went to an all boys school.

590
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:40,240
Speaker 2: Anger. I don't think I ever saw healthy.

591
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:44,400
Speaker 1: Anger expression, Okay, and what I when I saw anger expressed,

592
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:48,479
Speaker 1: It's something I did not like. And so expressing anger

593
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 1: is something that I generally don't do.

594
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,479
Speaker 2: If it does happen, I have so little practice at

595
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,800
Speaker 2: it does not go well.

596
00:30:58,120 --> 00:31:03,560
Speaker 1: Right, How can we, you know, perhaps help young men

597
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:08,880
Speaker 1: around their understanding what anger is and expressing it and

598
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:09,520
Speaker 1: processing it.

599
00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:13,640
Speaker 4: In my view, it needs to be exampled. Right, So

600
00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:19,640
Speaker 4: similar to me growing up anger, my mom never expressed it.

601
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:20,680
Speaker 3: My dad didn't.

602
00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:23,560
Speaker 4: The way he did it was like, oh gosh, that's

603
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,280
Speaker 4: just so it was like icy, and the energy in

604
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:28,800
Speaker 4: the room was just like, oh my gosh, this is horrible.

605
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:33,280
Speaker 4: And the way that he would voice things out.

606
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:37,160
Speaker 3: And so it's interesting. I've got two step daughters, they're.

607
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:41,200
Speaker 4: Eighteen and sixteen, and oh gosh, when you become a

608
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:43,480
Speaker 4: parent or bonus parent, I try to say bonus.

609
00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:48,040
Speaker 1: Parents, it's a it's a whole different road than that's

610
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:48,840
Speaker 1: another podcast.

611
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:50,719
Speaker 2: That's another podcast series.

612
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:55,600
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, I would happily talk on that one.

613
00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:57,280
Speaker 3: I learned a lot.

614
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:01,720
Speaker 4: About my stuff that I thought was neatly tight and

615
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:05,160
Speaker 4: packed away. And then they just go flickick CLICKI clickick click.

616
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:08,960
Speaker 4: So when I come if I come back to the

617
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:13,440
Speaker 4: point of exampling it, when I get angry, I oh

618
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:17,240
Speaker 4: my gosh, I internalize it, and it's like I I

619
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:20,000
Speaker 4: se out the whole house. The whole entire energy of

620
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:24,280
Speaker 4: the house gets warped, and no one knows what to do.

621
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:28,200
Speaker 4: They're walking like, can I go here, can I step here?

622
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:29,880
Speaker 4: Can I talk to her? Can I not talk to her?

623
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:33,160
Speaker 4: And I started to notice I was actually just repeating

624
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:37,360
Speaker 4: what my dad did, which is not something I felt

625
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:38,200
Speaker 4: proud of.

626
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:42,320
Speaker 2: When I was doing it liberally. Did happen.

627
00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:44,360
Speaker 3: Automatic.

628
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:49,600
Speaker 4: So what I have done to be an example is

629
00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:54,080
Speaker 4: that when that happens, because it is literally seconds seconds

630
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:57,840
Speaker 4: where my body just goes head goes bang, I have

631
00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:04,360
Speaker 4: learned and learning continually to communicate when I'm like that.

632
00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:09,320
Speaker 4: And it is so freaking hard to just say I'm

633
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:13,720
Speaker 4: not okay right now. I just said a minute, it's

634
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:18,840
Speaker 4: actually got nothing to do with you or reengage soon right.

635
00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:22,800
Speaker 2: How does you know an eleven year old or a

636
00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:24,040
Speaker 2: twelve year old deal with that?

637
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:31,080
Speaker 4: Surprisingly, these two girls they're freaking legends, you know, I

638
00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:32,040
Speaker 4: know in age you.

639
00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:33,640
Speaker 3: Think they're only eleven, they're only twelve.

640
00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:40,400
Speaker 4: They love that level of authenticity, right, And that's authenticity.

641
00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:43,760
Speaker 4: It's being real, it's being real like in that moment,

642
00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:45,760
Speaker 4: this is where I am. This is where I'm at,

643
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:48,440
Speaker 4: and I'm owning it, and I'm not proud of it.

644
00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:51,400
Speaker 4: And that's what my younger stepdaughter says to me. She says,

645
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:56,600
Speaker 4: she calls me kitty. She says, the reason why I

646
00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:58,800
Speaker 4: never stay mad at you whenever you get like that

647
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:01,960
Speaker 4: is because you own up to it.

648
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:03,120
Speaker 3: Is because you own up to it.

649
00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:06,920
Speaker 4: And sometimes I actually can't muster the strength to get

650
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,319
Speaker 4: the words out of me physically. So then we've got

651
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:12,840
Speaker 4: a group family text message. I'll send them a message

652
00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:16,480
Speaker 4: and I'll say, I know you can feel where I'm

653
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:21,000
Speaker 4: at right now. This is what's actually going on. It's

654
00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:24,880
Speaker 4: got nothing to do with you. Just give me a moment.

655
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:28,799
Speaker 4: Right when I come back. After I've had my moment,

656
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:31,640
Speaker 4: I've done my work, I've ego cleared, or I've danced

657
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:33,520
Speaker 4: it out, or I've listened to the song that you

658
00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:35,480
Speaker 4: were listening to before, which I won't.

659
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:35,800
Speaker 3: Say the name of.

660
00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:42,120
Speaker 4: They just welcome me back in. And you know what's interesting,

661
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:44,760
Speaker 4: Might I say? They now do the same.

662
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:48,440
Speaker 1: Thing, and that's it, as you would nay, and I

663
00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:50,719
Speaker 1: say it all the time, like the hardest thing about

664
00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,200
Speaker 1: parenting it's not the sleep, it's not done it. They

665
00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:54,640
Speaker 1: don't do what you tell them, but they do everything

666
00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:57,000
Speaker 1: you show them. And so you're the one that has

667
00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:59,280
Speaker 1: to do any changing if you want them to do anything.

668
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:07,319
Speaker 1: And intense part of you know, speaking about processing and

669
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:11,279
Speaker 1: doing doing that work is like anger is a is

670
00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,000
Speaker 1: a very important emotion. It can be a very important

671
00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:17,359
Speaker 1: signal it is important for us to go we'll haang

672
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:21,040
Speaker 1: on a second, why what was my expectation? And that can,

673
00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 1: in my experience, can help dissipate anger pretty quickly. But

674
00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:26,359
Speaker 1: also anger is a really good motivator like pain. Pain

675
00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:30,280
Speaker 1: is a really good if you can quickly get anger

676
00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:33,640
Speaker 1: into a positive decision point to take you in a

677
00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:36,000
Speaker 1: different direction so a situation doesn't happen again, it's actually

678
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,640
Speaker 1: pretty useful.

679
00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:40,480
Speaker 2: Just taking a quick break from cat back in a moment.

680
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:48,440
Speaker 1: We talked about you know what it is to you,

681
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:51,080
Speaker 1: you know, to be authentic a work in a relationship.

682
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:56,080
Speaker 1: Ways that we might identify why is it important to

683
00:35:57,360 --> 00:36:02,759
Speaker 1: find our authenticity and the distance between that and the

684
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,320
Speaker 1: experience we're actually having, or things where choices we're making.

685
00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:08,719
Speaker 2: What are some things that can happen to us if

686
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:10,560
Speaker 2: we are out of that alignment?

687
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:13,600
Speaker 1: And more are what are some ways that might show

688
00:36:13,719 --> 00:36:16,480
Speaker 1: up as a way of coping with the distance between

689
00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:20,600
Speaker 1: now authentic self and the life that we're living.

690
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,239
Speaker 4: Well, that's a big question coming back to one of

691
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:26,480
Speaker 4: your questions that you said just then about why is

692
00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:33,279
Speaker 4: it important in my view when we are not in

693
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:37,120
Speaker 4: touch with ourselves, not in check, not in June, not close.

694
00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:43,239
Speaker 4: Like literally, we are creating lives and outcomes of our

695
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:49,239
Speaker 4: life day by day, moment by moment. And it's like

696
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:52,440
Speaker 4: my husband actually says this, It's like you want to

697
00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:59,840
Speaker 4: fly from Melbourne to Japan, but there's this other little

698
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:04,080
Speaker 4: but that's like, ah, I actually want to fly this way, right,

699
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,239
Speaker 4: So you want to go to Japan, but then this

700
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,680
Speaker 4: other voice is directing you to go and you end

701
00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:14,960
Speaker 4: up in Antarctica. We can end up in completely different

702
00:37:15,719 --> 00:37:19,279
Speaker 4: destinations where I think, how at some point in our

703
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:23,600
Speaker 4: lives we wake up and go where am I and

704
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:24,960
Speaker 4: what is this?

705
00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:26,799
Speaker 3: And is this it?

706
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:30,680
Speaker 4: And what am I doing? Why am I doing this?

707
00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:32,719
Speaker 4: Is this important to me? Does this matter to me,

708
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:37,400
Speaker 4: and then we have this incredible existential crisis moment.

709
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:37,880
Speaker 3: Right.

710
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:42,400
Speaker 4: Sometimes we need that. Sometimes we need those full blown

711
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,560
Speaker 4: Gnali wake up calls where maybe along the way we

712
00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:48,959
Speaker 4: haven't listened. There's been these nudges, There's been people along

713
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:51,160
Speaker 4: the way they're like, is this really kind of where

714
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:53,719
Speaker 4: you want to go? We've heard that in a voice,

715
00:37:53,719 --> 00:37:54,960
Speaker 4: and we're like, what the hell is out? I don't

716
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 4: want to listen to that, and we keep We think

717
00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:00,200
Speaker 4: we're going to Japan, but we end up in Antarctica.

718
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:02,400
Speaker 4: Why is it freezing? Why is it cold? Why am

719
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:04,600
Speaker 4: I unprepared for this? Why is this not fulfilling? Why

720
00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:06,160
Speaker 4: is this not the destination that I want to be?

721
00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 2: There is no Ramen? There is no Ramen? What is this?

722
00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:12,799
Speaker 2: Where is my bullet train? Why is there no B

723
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,120
Speaker 2: day on the bullet train?

724
00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,160
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, I love how your brain works.

725
00:38:16,239 --> 00:38:16,800
Speaker 2: True though.

726
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:22,360
Speaker 1: You don't know what actual technological enhancement of life he

727
00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:25,880
Speaker 1: is until you have used a Toto B day at

728
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:31,560
Speaker 1: three hundred and five kilometers an hour between Kyoto and

729
00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:36,280
Speaker 1: Narita Airport, Like this is azing. Just the push a button,

730
00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:38,560
Speaker 1: I know, and I'm doing three hundred ks an hour

731
00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:40,960
Speaker 1: as Mount Fuji is out.

732
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:44,319
Speaker 3: The window and see, wouldn't you prefer to be there?

733
00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:45,680
Speaker 3: Then Antarctica with.

734
00:38:45,719 --> 00:38:52,319
Speaker 2: A clean bottom. It's it's amazing, it's amazing.

735
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,480
Speaker 4: Now that's the dream, that's that's where we want to be.

736
00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:01,000
Speaker 4: We want clean eating ramen in Japan on.

737
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:04,360
Speaker 2: The Just push that when you go to Japan. Just

738
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:07,840
Speaker 2: push the button. Just push the button. Don't be afraid.

739
00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:08,600
Speaker 2: Far out And.

740
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:13,520
Speaker 4: This is where have you heard of the enneagram before?

741
00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:19,000
Speaker 4: What is the So the enneagram are nine different personality profiles.

742
00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:23,520
Speaker 4: It's this beautiful way of seeing our personalities in action.

743
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:25,439
Speaker 3: Like I was sharing before and what we were talking

744
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:26,000
Speaker 3: about before.

745
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:29,960
Speaker 4: Sometimes our personalities are really awesome and they can get

746
00:39:30,040 --> 00:39:33,040
Speaker 4: us into call places, spaces, et cetera. And then other

747
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:37,200
Speaker 4: times when they are the leading a leading man woman

748
00:39:37,239 --> 00:39:40,440
Speaker 4: in our life, not so great. So there's the reformer,

749
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:43,640
Speaker 4: which is about being a perfectionist. There's the helper, people pleaser,

750
00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:48,839
Speaker 4: the achiever, the individualists, the investigator, the challenger, the peacemaker.

751
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,680
Speaker 4: And I love I love that work. I love that

752
00:39:52,719 --> 00:39:55,000
Speaker 4: work because, like I was sharing before, there's a sliding

753
00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:58,160
Speaker 4: scale to our personality. And coming back to a question

754
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,760
Speaker 4: why I believe it's important. Is because when our people pleaser,

755
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:05,040
Speaker 4: for example, is way too far up the front and

756
00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:09,160
Speaker 4: puts everyone in front of them, wants to help everyone,

757
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:10,720
Speaker 4: wants to do everything for everyone.

758
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:11,319
Speaker 3: Is a Mary.

759
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:13,520
Speaker 4: I don't have needs, I don't need your help. I'm good,

760
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:15,239
Speaker 4: I'm fine. Don't cook for me, don't clean for me.

761
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:16,560
Speaker 3: I'll do it for you. I'll do it for you.

762
00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:21,560
Speaker 4: In the back of them, they have got expectations that

763
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:25,120
Speaker 4: are building up that they don't know about. If they're

764
00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:29,200
Speaker 4: unaware they're doing, they're doing there being everything for everyone

765
00:40:29,239 --> 00:40:33,400
Speaker 4: whilst building up this expectation, pile building up resentment.

766
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:36,520
Speaker 3: That box is getting very very very very full.

767
00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:39,520
Speaker 4: And if they don't get back the amount of love

768
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:46,080
Speaker 4: that they're giving out, they ain't happy, right that anger

769
00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:49,440
Speaker 4: comes out, So they deny their anger. They don't experience anger.

770
00:40:49,719 --> 00:40:52,560
Speaker 4: They're a positive person, they're a happy person. And then

771
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:56,520
Speaker 4: they get pissed off and they get miffed. And if

772
00:40:56,520 --> 00:41:01,080
Speaker 4: they dedicate their life to that being a marty being

773
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:03,040
Speaker 4: pissed off, being a marter being pissed off, where do

774
00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:05,919
Speaker 4: they get to live, Like, when do they get to live?

775
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:09,239
Speaker 4: What do they actually want? What would they actually like?

776
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:13,439
Speaker 4: What actually is important to them? Those questions and that's

777
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:18,040
Speaker 4: just for one particular personality type never get asked. And

778
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:21,640
Speaker 4: to me, have you read the book The Top Five

779
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:22,439
Speaker 4: Regrets of the Dying?

780
00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:27,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, she's a former palliative care nurse. Yes, who looked

781
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:31,000
Speaker 1: after people for quite a long career. Yes, and just

782
00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:33,520
Speaker 1: asked the same questions of the people that came under

783
00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:33,959
Speaker 1: her care.

784
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:35,880
Speaker 2: And they're pretty standard.

785
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:37,000
Speaker 3: Pretty standard.

786
00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:40,319
Speaker 2: It's not I really wish I scrolled through my phone more.

787
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:43,080
Speaker 2: It's not that I can guarantee it.

788
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:43,400
Speaker 4: I know.

789
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:44,400
Speaker 3: Yeah.

790
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:47,040
Speaker 4: And it's not that I lived for everyone else. It's

791
00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:49,719
Speaker 4: not that I worked the hardest. It's I wish I

792
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:52,279
Speaker 4: lived a life more true to me. I wish I

793
00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:54,680
Speaker 4: allowed myself to be more happy. I wish I didn't

794
00:41:54,719 --> 00:41:58,719
Speaker 4: work so hard. I can't remember the other two. There's

795
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:00,759
Speaker 4: top five, but I can't remember the other We ate more.

796
00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:06,160
Speaker 1: Fiber didn't get so far behind on Survivor because when

797
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:10,200
Speaker 1: it's like it's been a week and the tribal cons

798
00:42:10,239 --> 00:42:13,400
Speaker 1: will make any sense, because I don't know the ramifications

799
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:17,080
Speaker 1: of what's been going on, and now I'm like ten

800
00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:20,840
Speaker 1: hours in, I've got such a time lag.

801
00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:24,840
Speaker 2: That's probably one of the answers she got. That's it,

802
00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:31,600
Speaker 2: it'll be mine. But yeah, so it's it's understanding like.

803
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:35,520
Speaker 1: What kind of life you end up with If you

804
00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:38,279
Speaker 1: go between Marta and pissed off Marter and pistol Marter

805
00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:41,160
Speaker 1: and pissed off, you'll find yourself in this situation where

806
00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:46,239
Speaker 1: like the pain of your day to day life might

807
00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:51,920
Speaker 1: be so great yep, you might need things outside of

808
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:52,880
Speaker 1: yourself to manage that.

809
00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:56,040
Speaker 2: Correct, and that can start to become quite unhealthy.

810
00:42:56,440 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 4: Correct, And then we get to the end of our life,

811
00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:03,759
Speaker 4: like she talks about in her book, and wonder why

812
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:04,239
Speaker 4: we did that?

813
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:06,200
Speaker 3: Why did I do that? Why did I spend my

814
00:43:06,239 --> 00:43:06,799
Speaker 3: life on that?

815
00:43:07,239 --> 00:43:13,080
Speaker 4: For each particular personality type, it'll be different. So, for example,

816
00:43:13,160 --> 00:43:17,480
Speaker 4: there's an achiever in there. They're going, they're going, they're doing,

817
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:20,520
Speaker 4: they're doing, they're being They're like, they're being going and

818
00:43:20,520 --> 00:43:25,120
Speaker 4: being for everything in order to feel like they're enough,

819
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:28,040
Speaker 4: in order to feel like they're valid, in order to

820
00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:29,920
Speaker 4: feel like they've got a place in the world and

821
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:34,560
Speaker 4: that they've they're earning their place. I mean, all the

822
00:43:34,600 --> 00:43:38,879
Speaker 4: while that that is happening, and they're pushing and they're

823
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:44,480
Speaker 4: foregoing deeper matters, that voice that's calling them to maybe

824
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:48,200
Speaker 4: take the damn chill pill, to sit and rest and

825
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:53,000
Speaker 4: be present with your kids, to take a nice stroll

826
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:56,880
Speaker 4: in a park rather than always have to, I don't know,

827
00:43:56,960 --> 00:44:02,240
Speaker 4: do an iron man or a triathlon. All the while,

828
00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:05,360
Speaker 4: whilst that is being ignored and that push push push

829
00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:10,840
Speaker 4: is going on, their partner is looking elsewhere. Their relationship

830
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:13,400
Speaker 4: is going down the toilet. Their kids feel like they

831
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:18,600
Speaker 4: don't have a parental one, parental figure that's just not present,

832
00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:23,040
Speaker 4: so they're more close to the other. They're looking for

833
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:26,600
Speaker 4: someone else to feel that, to fill that space. And

834
00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:30,440
Speaker 4: as that starts to happen, that person that's pushing and

835
00:44:30,480 --> 00:44:36,759
Speaker 4: going and achieving, there's an emptiness there, you know, there's

836
00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:41,320
Speaker 4: a pit that's just waiting, waiting for them to probably

837
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:43,759
Speaker 4: get sick, have a heart attack. I used to be

838
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:46,800
Speaker 4: a nurse. I used to work in the cardiothoracic sward,

839
00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:52,359
Speaker 4: and I looked after pretty much men and forty five

840
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:57,040
Speaker 4: fifty five, sometimes up to sixty day four without fail.

841
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:02,040
Speaker 4: They would break down, break down, What have I done

842
00:45:02,080 --> 00:45:04,560
Speaker 4: with my life? Why have I worked so hard? I

843
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:06,920
Speaker 4: miss my family. I should have taken that holiday with him,

844
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:08,879
Speaker 4: it's the same thing.

845
00:45:09,680 --> 00:45:11,040
Speaker 2: What do you think needs to happen?

846
00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:12,840
Speaker 1: If people might be listening to this going, I don't know,

847
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:16,000
Speaker 1: I'm fine, it's everybody else that what kind of needs

848
00:45:16,040 --> 00:45:18,080
Speaker 1: to happen? How do people get to that day for

849
00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:20,560
Speaker 1: a moment without meeting you in a cardiac careward?

850
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:23,879
Speaker 3: You know what, some people might not right.

851
00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:27,160
Speaker 4: I know people in my circle who have got parents

852
00:45:27,200 --> 00:45:31,320
Speaker 4: who are older, who have had multiple heart attacks, multiple stents, strokes,

853
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:34,440
Speaker 4: and they're back at it, and they're back at it

854
00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:39,040
Speaker 4: and they're back at it. And my dad really bravely

855
00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:43,520
Speaker 4: said to me one day, I commend you for the

856
00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:46,600
Speaker 4: work you do on yourself because I could never do it.

857
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 2: Wow.

858
00:45:47,800 --> 00:45:50,880
Speaker 4: And as much as I'd like to do it, I

859
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:53,880
Speaker 4: think I'm too scared what I'd find out right.

860
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:55,480
Speaker 2: Authentic, authentic.

861
00:45:55,640 --> 00:45:57,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that was his truth.

862
00:45:57,440 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 4: He was being very real, and that actually really shifted

863
00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:05,640
Speaker 4: my perspective because before that I was like, come on,

864
00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:07,640
Speaker 4: just change your life, just do this and do that

865
00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:09,200
Speaker 4: and you'll feel better and you won't be so angry,

866
00:46:09,239 --> 00:46:11,880
Speaker 4: and la la, la la la. It was at that

867
00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:17,200
Speaker 4: point I had a different kind of respect for people

868
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:22,319
Speaker 4: who are like still going, still going, No matter what,

869
00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:24,520
Speaker 4: no matter how much the universe is trying to shove

870
00:46:24,680 --> 00:46:26,120
Speaker 4: a wake up call in their face.

871
00:46:27,960 --> 00:46:28,400
Speaker 3: I don't know.

872
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:31,799
Speaker 4: There are some people that maybe just won't wake up

873
00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:35,879
Speaker 4: to it and don't want to, like my dad, and

874
00:46:36,719 --> 00:46:37,600
Speaker 4: I've got to respect that.

875
00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:40,839
Speaker 3: I know some people out there might be listening.

876
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:43,200
Speaker 4: They're like, oh, if only my parent would be like this,

877
00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:45,600
Speaker 4: if only my parent would change, then they would be healthier,

878
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:47,799
Speaker 4: and you know that they would live a better life

879
00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:51,040
Speaker 4: and they could have more ten more years. And we

880
00:46:51,160 --> 00:46:54,600
Speaker 4: also have to come back to remember each of us

881
00:46:54,640 --> 00:46:57,719
Speaker 4: are here for our own individual experience, and we get

882
00:46:58,040 --> 00:47:01,279
Speaker 4: like we get the power of choice.

883
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:10,480
Speaker 1: But as you mentioned, it is it is an ongoing

884
00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:14,800
Speaker 1: form of maintenance for me. All this this kind of

885
00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:17,640
Speaker 1: stuff has been happening largely in the last fifteen years,

886
00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:21,760
Speaker 1: which is no mistake that it coincides with getting sober.

887
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:27,560
Speaker 2: But you know, if I look back at.

888
00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:29,680
Speaker 1: The person you know that I used to be, it

889
00:47:29,719 --> 00:47:34,480
Speaker 1: was almost unrecognizable. And I wonder, because, let's say, for example,

890
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:37,280
Speaker 1: or someone's listening to this, I don't know there mid twenties,

891
00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:42,360
Speaker 1: late twenties, what what does that catch on look like

892
00:47:43,239 --> 00:47:46,320
Speaker 1: versus you here today mid twenties.

893
00:47:49,480 --> 00:47:54,439
Speaker 4: I had just healed myself from brain surgery chronic pain

894
00:47:55,560 --> 00:48:00,280
Speaker 4: without any medication, which was gnally.

895
00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:03,560
Speaker 2: I'm assuming there was some medication, but the brain surgery part, yes, okay.

896
00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:05,839
Speaker 4: Good, yeah, yeah, yeah, after all.

897
00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:11,720
Speaker 2: I mean you can dry but yeah, my white blood

898
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:13,960
Speaker 2: I'm trusting my white blood cells with this one here,

899
00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:15,640
Speaker 2: but maybe not with.

900
00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:16,840
Speaker 3: Not an open wound.

901
00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:19,000
Speaker 2: No, no, no, yeah.

902
00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:22,680
Speaker 4: Look back then, I was out partying, I was out

903
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:24,680
Speaker 4: taking a lot of drugs, running away from my past

904
00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:25,880
Speaker 4: or running away from.

905
00:48:25,719 --> 00:48:27,640
Speaker 3: Whatever hurt internally.

906
00:48:28,560 --> 00:48:32,160
Speaker 4: And yeah, I had a body full of chronic pain

907
00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:38,200
Speaker 4: registered nurse like, becoming overweight, popping pills from panatoll to

908
00:48:38,600 --> 00:48:43,120
Speaker 4: oxycodone to valium to try and sleep pretty much all

909
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:46,560
Speaker 4: the time. But at twenty five, yeah, that was That

910
00:48:46,680 --> 00:48:49,520
Speaker 4: was the first year I was chronic pain free after

911
00:48:49,560 --> 00:48:50,360
Speaker 4: six years.

912
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:52,000
Speaker 3: And but prior.

913
00:48:51,719 --> 00:48:56,680
Speaker 4: To that, I was overweight, very very very mentally dark,

914
00:48:57,080 --> 00:49:00,640
Speaker 4: really really dark. Being told that I might just have

915
00:49:00,680 --> 00:49:03,360
Speaker 4: to manage this for the rest of my life was

916
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:07,439
Speaker 4: the worst thing I could have heard, but the best thing,

917
00:49:08,239 --> 00:49:11,520
Speaker 4: because this stubbornness inside of me just said, fuck that

918
00:49:12,480 --> 00:49:15,560
Speaker 4: this is I will not accept this. I want to

919
00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:17,439
Speaker 4: accept this from myself. I want to accept this from

920
00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:21,560
Speaker 4: that surgeon. I must find another way.

921
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:25,520
Speaker 1: I very much the same with when I was on

922
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:28,040
Speaker 1: the anti csychotics and everything, getting told.

923
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:30,560
Speaker 2: Note, yeah, this is kind of this, you know, this

924
00:49:30,640 --> 00:49:33,200
Speaker 2: is what it is. I was like, what the fuck? Yep,

925
00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:36,640
Speaker 2: this is every day. I'm just my insulance. I'm just

926
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:38,359
Speaker 2: going to put on like a kilo a week until

927
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:40,840
Speaker 2: what I know, I ran out of clothes.

928
00:49:41,200 --> 00:49:42,799
Speaker 1: And I literally said the same thing, like, if this

929
00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:44,640
Speaker 1: is what every day looks like, you know what, fuck that.

930
00:49:44,920 --> 00:49:48,319
Speaker 2: I'm going to do everything I can to not be this.

931
00:49:48,840 --> 00:49:49,880
Speaker 2: But it's not that the work is.

932
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:54,120
Speaker 1: It's that the easier path to take was to just

933
00:49:54,239 --> 00:49:57,120
Speaker 1: do that what they were saying, which is fine if

934
00:49:57,160 --> 00:49:59,200
Speaker 1: you want to do that, and I understand it might

935
00:49:59,239 --> 00:50:03,600
Speaker 1: be too much to lift, but yeah, I just I

936
00:50:03,719 --> 00:50:05,160
Speaker 1: just refuse to accept.

937
00:50:05,800 --> 00:50:07,560
Speaker 2: Really only all day.

938
00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:12,600
Speaker 3: Yeah no, I don't want that, I know, but.

939
00:50:12,640 --> 00:50:14,839
Speaker 1: It's you kind of do have to come to that

940
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:16,680
Speaker 1: pain point, don't you.

941
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:17,600
Speaker 2: You kind of have to come.

942
00:50:17,480 --> 00:50:20,280
Speaker 3: To that point to your knees. Yeah, to your knees.

943
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:23,319
Speaker 1: And in my case, I had to understand that, oh

944
00:50:23,600 --> 00:50:29,239
Speaker 1: I'm the reason I'm down here, that's the one.

945
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:33,960
Speaker 3: You're all the heart like those dark knights soul.

946
00:50:34,160 --> 00:50:36,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's true, though only when you get to that point.

947
00:50:36,960 --> 00:50:38,480
Speaker 1: Only when you get to that point does any of

948
00:50:38,560 --> 00:50:41,600
Speaker 1: this actually work. When you're doing it for somebody else,

949
00:50:43,719 --> 00:50:46,000
Speaker 1: it doesn't work, but it is wonderfully. There's are questions

950
00:50:46,040 --> 00:50:48,040
Speaker 1: you can ask yourself quietly by yourself. No one else

951
00:50:48,040 --> 00:50:51,200
Speaker 1: has no asking these questions. You can, you know, you

952
00:50:51,200 --> 00:50:53,719
Speaker 1: can be the one that what is my actual responsibility?

953
00:50:53,760 --> 00:50:56,200
Speaker 1: Did I choose to stay in that job? How long

954
00:50:56,200 --> 00:50:58,560
Speaker 1: have I chosen to stay here because it's.

955
00:50:58,400 --> 00:51:02,400
Speaker 2: Easier than not going. No one else has to know.

956
00:51:02,920 --> 00:51:04,799
Speaker 1: But that's when you can have those moments to ask

957
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:10,880
Speaker 1: yourself those questions. And Yeah, one last thing I have noticed,

958
00:51:11,120 --> 00:51:18,080
Speaker 1: just anecdotally through you know, researching this interview, that moving

959
00:51:18,120 --> 00:51:20,880
Speaker 1: and dancing is a part of your life.

960
00:51:21,440 --> 00:51:24,520
Speaker 2: And I have recently had some experience in this space.

961
00:51:24,880 --> 00:51:26,680
Speaker 2: So how did that come into your life? And what

962
00:51:26,719 --> 00:51:27,719
Speaker 2: do you get out of it?

963
00:51:28,239 --> 00:51:29,920
Speaker 4: I dance from when I was a kid, it's when

964
00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:31,040
Speaker 4: I'm from the age of four.

965
00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:33,560
Speaker 3: I just loved it.

966
00:51:33,680 --> 00:51:36,520
Speaker 1: Having been a dance dad. Part of your father's annoyance

967
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:38,640
Speaker 1: is starting to make sense to me because.

968
00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:43,040
Speaker 3: To watch everyone else except your kid.

969
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:47,759
Speaker 4: Is very annoying to see the same danceing type exactly, exactly,

970
00:51:48,160 --> 00:51:49,640
Speaker 4: exactly do you dance as a kid.

971
00:51:49,680 --> 00:51:50,480
Speaker 3: I danced as a kid.

972
00:51:50,480 --> 00:51:54,720
Speaker 4: But also in the Filipino culture like dance, music, singing.

973
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:56,799
Speaker 4: It's just they know how to dance, they know how

974
00:51:56,800 --> 00:51:59,719
Speaker 4: to sing. Except my mom can't sing, haha, but she

975
00:51:59,840 --> 00:52:03,279
Speaker 4: can dance. My gosh, you can dance. So I danced

976
00:52:03,280 --> 00:52:05,359
Speaker 4: from when I was a kid, and I just I

977
00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:05,839
Speaker 4: loved it.

978
00:52:05,840 --> 00:52:07,239
Speaker 3: It was very joyful for me.

979
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:11,879
Speaker 4: Then dance I was up in high school, dance when

980
00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:14,120
Speaker 4: I was out partying and taking drugs and having a

981
00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:17,920
Speaker 4: great old time. And then this chronic pain stopped everything

982
00:52:18,120 --> 00:52:22,240
Speaker 4: in my tracks. What it gave me, what I loved

983
00:52:22,280 --> 00:52:25,359
Speaker 4: about it, well, what it gave me before was joy.

984
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:28,399
Speaker 4: Right when I was doing choreograph dance. Have you heard

985
00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:33,040
Speaker 4: of five rhythms? Oh, my gosh, that is cool. I

986
00:52:33,040 --> 00:52:36,000
Speaker 4: remember I was doing this chakra empowerment course when I

987
00:52:36,040 --> 00:52:38,200
Speaker 4: was in my like who the hell am I will

988
00:52:38,239 --> 00:52:42,160
Speaker 4: let me find myself fase, and one of the pieces

989
00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:44,239
Speaker 4: of homework was to go to five rhythms. And it's

990
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:47,040
Speaker 4: this free dance. So you go there music playing two

991
00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:53,799
Speaker 4: hours there's five different rhythms of dance chaos, lyricals, toaccato, stillness,

992
00:52:54,120 --> 00:52:55,120
Speaker 4: and something else.

993
00:52:55,160 --> 00:52:56,120
Speaker 3: I always forget the fifth.

994
00:52:57,160 --> 00:53:02,080
Speaker 4: Anyway, I walked in, Oh gosh, and I was such

995
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:05,120
Speaker 4: a judgy bitch. I'm like, these are not my kind

996
00:53:05,160 --> 00:53:07,279
Speaker 4: of people, this is not my music. This is full

997
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:09,600
Speaker 4: of hippies. I'm just going to go home. I don't care.

998
00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:13,760
Speaker 4: Take my twenty five bucks. I'm out skis. And then

999
00:53:14,160 --> 00:53:16,839
Speaker 4: the stubbornness came back, which this is where I love

1000
00:53:16,920 --> 00:53:20,320
Speaker 4: my stubbornness, and was like, ahh twenty minutes, give it.

1001
00:53:20,360 --> 00:53:24,080
Speaker 4: Twenty minutes. Literally, people were just in there doing whatever

1002
00:53:24,080 --> 00:53:26,240
Speaker 4: they wanted to do, dancing. Some guy was walking around

1003
00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:32,319
Speaker 4: roaring right because that was his expression. Eventually, after about

1004
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:40,240
Speaker 4: twenty minutes, I gave myself to the rhythm and free freedom,

1005
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:44,319
Speaker 4: total utter freedom. I was like, this is what it

1006
00:53:44,400 --> 00:53:47,719
Speaker 4: feels like to be in my body, to feel totally

1007
00:53:47,760 --> 00:53:51,280
Speaker 4: safe in my body, to feel free and at liberty

1008
00:53:51,360 --> 00:53:53,759
Speaker 4: to move it however the hell I want to move it.

1009
00:53:54,320 --> 00:53:58,680
Speaker 4: Not a piece of choreography in sight, and I felt incredible.

1010
00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:00,160
Speaker 3: That's what it gives me.

1011
00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:03,640
Speaker 1: And so now you use that through the day as

1012
00:54:03,719 --> 00:54:05,840
Speaker 1: part of you mentioned at the start of our conversation

1013
00:54:05,880 --> 00:54:11,000
Speaker 1: about being bodily aware. Does you know if you're in

1014
00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:13,319
Speaker 1: a point where there's a I don't know, like a

1015
00:54:13,360 --> 00:54:16,000
Speaker 1: peak of you know, some sort of hormonal release in

1016
00:54:16,040 --> 00:54:18,920
Speaker 1: your body, were like, eh, can you find just like

1017
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:22,320
Speaker 1: whacking out a couple of bars and a quick little boogoaloo.

1018
00:54:21,840 --> 00:54:22,839
Speaker 3: Will full und your game?

1019
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:27,719
Speaker 4: It's usually I always choose emotive music songs where like

1020
00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:31,880
Speaker 4: this is me from the Greatest Showman Good where I

1021
00:54:31,880 --> 00:54:34,840
Speaker 4: don't quite sometimes I don't quite know how I'm feeling.

1022
00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:36,960
Speaker 4: And then if I put a song like that on,

1023
00:54:37,800 --> 00:54:41,520
Speaker 4: or some some of Pink's songs that are a motive

1024
00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:45,799
Speaker 4: that just do the speaking for me, and then there's

1025
00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:48,480
Speaker 4: just this rush of emotion that comes and it falls

1026
00:54:48,520 --> 00:54:50,719
Speaker 4: out of my eyes in the form of tears, and

1027
00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:51,799
Speaker 4: I'm like, thank you.

1028
00:54:52,160 --> 00:54:53,839
Speaker 3: I don't know what that was. I don't know what

1029
00:54:53,880 --> 00:54:55,799
Speaker 3: that is there it is.

1030
00:54:56,320 --> 00:54:58,720
Speaker 1: I prefer just whacking on some motown or some stacks

1031
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:01,640
Speaker 1: stacks or stax recks towards myself. Get a bit of

1032
00:55:01,640 --> 00:55:04,279
Speaker 1: Sam and Dave, hold on, I'm coming. I'll do the

1033
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:07,600
Speaker 1: whitest white man dance to the two of the heaviest Brothers.

1034
00:55:07,600 --> 00:55:09,279
Speaker 1: That's a song all about rooting, but it made it

1035
00:55:09,320 --> 00:55:11,719
Speaker 1: onto the top ten that has in the past. That

1036
00:55:11,840 --> 00:55:14,640
Speaker 1: is really like turning literally turning a light switch on

1037
00:55:14,680 --> 00:55:18,880
Speaker 1: and off for my emotional state, and it's really useful.

1038
00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:22,040
Speaker 1: So I thoroughly recommend that people get out of this podcast,

1039
00:55:22,120 --> 00:55:24,760
Speaker 1: open up some sort of music thing and just give.

1040
00:55:24,560 --> 00:55:25,200
Speaker 2: It a couple of minutes.

1041
00:55:25,200 --> 00:55:26,160
Speaker 3: We should create a playlist.

1042
00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:27,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'll put.

1043
00:55:27,680 --> 00:55:29,240
Speaker 1: I'll put a play You put a couple of tracks

1044
00:55:29,239 --> 00:55:30,680
Speaker 1: and I'll put a couple of tracks on. We'll work

1045
00:55:30,719 --> 00:55:31,319
Speaker 1: it in the show notes.

1046
00:55:31,320 --> 00:55:33,839
Speaker 2: How about that? As long as as well as a.

1047
00:55:33,800 --> 00:55:36,319
Speaker 1: Link to catch On's Brandy book available now on People

1048
00:55:36,320 --> 00:55:36,919
Speaker 1: in Random Hills.

1049
00:55:37,719 --> 00:55:40,319
Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thanks for

1050
00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:41,080
Speaker 3: going pleasure.

1051
00:55:42,520 --> 00:55:44,840
Speaker 2: That was Cat John. How great is Kat?

1052
00:55:45,200 --> 00:55:46,640
Speaker 1: If you want to have a boogie, If you want

1053
00:55:46,680 --> 00:55:48,080
Speaker 1: to boogie the hebgb's away, you.

1054
00:55:48,080 --> 00:55:49,280
Speaker 2: Can find a link to the blowlist.

1055
00:55:49,560 --> 00:55:52,160
Speaker 1: You'll find that in the show notes, along with where

1056
00:55:52,160 --> 00:55:53,719
Speaker 1: you can get tickets to the next live show of

1057
00:55:53,760 --> 00:55:54,640
Speaker 1: story Club.

1058
00:55:54,840 --> 00:55:56,279
Speaker 2: And where you can pre order the books.

1059
00:55:56,320 --> 00:55:57,960
Speaker 1: So what now? What? Thank you so much for getting

1060
00:55:57,960 --> 00:55:59,600
Speaker 1: around the show. There's also a link to the substack

1061
00:55:59,680 --> 00:56:01,960
Speaker 1: in there. Thanks Adam Bunch for producing this episode.

1062
00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:04,600
Speaker 2: Your Ace, I hope you have a fantastic week.

1063
00:56:04,800 --> 00:56:07,840
Speaker 1: If you do, buy the book, screenshot your proof of

1064
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:10,600
Speaker 1: purchase and email me Sandos your email at gmail dot

1065
00:56:10,600 --> 00:56:11,800
Speaker 1: com and I'll shoot you back.

1066
00:56:11,680 --> 00:56:18,360
Speaker 2: Something to say thanks. I'll see her on Monday.