Speaker 1: Apoday Production.
Speaker 2: Welcome to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm actually Bynes.
Speaker 2: This is a podcast where we learn.
Speaker 1: Laugh, and level up together.
Speaker 2: Let's go deep, let the emotions flow, find the lessons
Speaker 2: to grow and glow. Nothing is off the table with
Speaker 2: Grow and Glow, and I'm here to be your expander.
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, and welcome back to Grow and Glow. I've
Speaker 2: got a special guest with me. I don't know how
Speaker 2: I found you online, stalked you down somehow, and then
Speaker 2: I want to watch my girlfriend speak and you were
Speaker 2: also on stage and I was like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: so cool. So welcome Ryan to the podcast.
Speaker 3: Thanks for being here, Thank you so much for having
Speaker 3: me on.
Speaker 1: Today.
Speaker 2: We're talking about wounded masculine, which I think is a
Speaker 2: topic that I mean, I've looked a lot into but
Speaker 2: a lot of people might not understand or know much
Speaker 2: about it. But if you have a husband, a son,
Speaker 2: a brother, this information is going to be super super helpful.
Speaker 2: So we're going to go quite deep into it today.
Speaker 2: But before we do, we do a share of the week.
Speaker 1: Each week.
Speaker 3: Look, I was thinking about yeah, product or something like that,
Speaker 3: and then I really thought I want to give as
Speaker 3: much value as I can on this podcast, And something
Speaker 3: that's really been present for me as of late as
Speaker 3: being a single man at the moment, is learning how
Speaker 3: to cultivate a connection with the feminine energy without women.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 3: Yes, so I've been exploring that. It's been really cool
Speaker 3: doing that in a very conscious way, being not in
Speaker 3: a relationship at the moment and being able to actually
Speaker 3: explore that and find those connections within myself. Like, yeah,
Speaker 3: it's been incredible. So instead of receiving let's say, even
Speaker 3: like the physical touch of having a partner, this is
Speaker 3: for men and women as well. Yeah, it's learning how
Speaker 3: to meet those needs within myself and connecting with myself
Speaker 3: on that depth and that level. It's been really really cool,
Speaker 3: really Yeah. And simple things like being intentional about the
Speaker 3: feminine energy of like having a bar, but like receiving,
Speaker 3: practicing receiving like the warmth of the bath, like the sensations,
Speaker 3: like the subtleness of it, allowing myself to receive which
Speaker 3: is which is a feminine Yeah.
Speaker 1: It's a beautiful dance.
Speaker 2: Whenever I talk about masculine and feminine energy, sometimes get
Speaker 2: a bit of a pushback online because I think people
Speaker 2: think that you're either masculine or you're feminine, but both
Speaker 2: are so equally important and it's about like bringing them
Speaker 2: together to work together.
Speaker 1: That's really cool.
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, So.
Speaker 2: Today we're talking about wounded masculine in your own words.
Speaker 2: What is that for someone who's never heard that terminology before?
Speaker 2: What is a wounded masculine?
Speaker 3: Yeah, So the wounded masculine energy is really the unprocessed
Speaker 3: trauma that we hold in our body as men and women.
Speaker 3: But for the most part, I'm just speaking to men. Yes,
Speaker 3: So it's the unprocessed trauma or wounds that we hold
Speaker 3: and store in our body based on the needs that
Speaker 3: we didn't have met in childhood.
Speaker 1: As a little boy.
Speaker 3: Yes. Yeah, My whole thing is helping men heal the
Speaker 3: little boy within them. What I'm speaking of is the
Speaker 3: sess energy and emotion, which is trauma that's stuck in
Speaker 3: the body, which then manifests as what we know is
Speaker 3: like toxic masculine traits. Yes, yeah, and that comes out
Speaker 3: as you know, everything we see in relationships, specifically like reactivity, defensiveness,
Speaker 3: and the wounded masculine traits that most people know about.
Speaker 2: So yeah, I just actually finished my last session last
Speaker 2: week with a feminine coach and majority of the sessions.
Speaker 2: I've always worked with male coaches, which I love, but
Speaker 2: I feel like it's been more in my head and
Speaker 2: logical and this is a problem.
Speaker 1: This is let's understand it, this is what you.
Speaker 2: Can do, Whereas with her it was all about like
Speaker 2: feeling and a lot of the sessions were visualizations going
Speaker 2: back to a moment that was traumatic for me and
Speaker 2: going back and actually had to visualize.
Speaker 1: Okay, where was my little girl, what was she wearing?
Speaker 1: Where was she in?
Speaker 2: Like a lot of time I was on my bed,
Speaker 2: curled up or in a corner crying, and then me,
Speaker 2: isn't my adult self have to walk in?
Speaker 1: And then what does she need?
Speaker 2: And at the start, I found it really hard to
Speaker 2: be there for her, and I remember crying in my
Speaker 2: second session. I was just crying. She's like, what's coming
Speaker 2: up for you? And I said, I'm scared I can't
Speaker 2: be consistent for her. And that moment I realized how
Speaker 2: much I abandoned myself all the time. And throughout this
Speaker 2: last three months, I've learned that I'd either go to
Speaker 2: food to distract from my feelings or scroll my phone.
Speaker 2: So throughout this three months, been so beautiful to now
Speaker 2: instead of when I go to grab my phone or
Speaker 2: go to look for a snack, I'm like, no, I
Speaker 2: actually need to go and sit with her. And I
Speaker 2: can't blame anyone else for abandoning me because I'm doing
Speaker 2: it all the time. And it's been so nice to
Speaker 2: build that trust and relationship with her aka and myself
Speaker 2: that I've always got my own back. But before this,
Speaker 2: it's just like I didn't realize how much that can
Speaker 2: impact your life. It's the most powerful work, but it's uncomfortable.
Speaker 3: It is. It is uncomfortable, and that's because as humans
Speaker 3: we do everything to avoid feeling pain. Yeah, And also
Speaker 3: like the greatest gifts are within that pain as well.
Speaker 3: The more a man has a capacity to face himself
Speaker 3: and do that work that you were just speaking of,
Speaker 3: the more courage he has to actually lean in and
Speaker 3: face himself, the easier it gets as well. And so
Speaker 3: for me in my healing journey, like it's always a journey,
Speaker 3: it's never.
Speaker 1: Ending, yeah, and I wish it was sometimes.
Speaker 3: What you just shared than is the exact prime example
Speaker 3: of the wounded and a child and men that are
Speaker 3: addicted to porn, drinking addictions, like scrolling their phone working.
Speaker 3: He's a massive probably the biggest one that yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: probably the biggest one. And then typically where it comes
Speaker 3: out is when they create massive success and they sell
Speaker 3: their company or something happens, and then they lose a
Speaker 3: sense of purpose. Yeah, that little boy within him was
Speaker 3: gaining that sense of purpose through the validation of either
Speaker 3: making money or let's say a relationship. Yeah, And then
Speaker 3: he doesn't just lose the business or a relationship, he's
Speaker 3: losing his sense of meaning and purpose as well.
Speaker 2: When a man is in his wounded masculine energy, Can
Speaker 2: we talk about what happens in a relationship dynamic and
Speaker 2: what happens when he's not in a relationship the type
Speaker 2: of behavior, Like I know you said, there can be reactivity.
Speaker 2: Could you dive have a little bit more deeper into
Speaker 2: what shows up?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely, So this is really coming into what's known
Speaker 3: as toxic masculinity. And the thing is with toxic masculinity
Speaker 3: is there's actually no such thing. There's either healthy expressions
Speaker 3: of masculinity or unhealthy expressions of masculinity. When we label
Speaker 3: toxic masculinity, we're really putting a label and putting men
Speaker 3: into a box. Saying you're a toxic man, and we
Speaker 3: all have the capacity for these traits. I've been labeled
Speaker 3: a toxic masculine man before, and I held so much
Speaker 3: shame on that because I made it mean that that's
Speaker 3: who I am.
Speaker 1: I'm a toxic male.
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, And the biggest issue with the wounded in
Speaker 3: a child is we internalize what's called toxic shame. So
Speaker 3: we need healthy levels of shame, which gives us boundaries
Speaker 3: as humans. So we need a healthy level to know
Speaker 3: our limits as humans. Right. But when a little boy
Speaker 3: doesn't have his needs met in the sense of he
Speaker 3: knows love is not going to be taken away from
Speaker 3: him if he makes a mistake, he knows that he's
Speaker 3: a high priority, his needs matter, his emotional experience matters,
Speaker 3: and that his parents are okay. As children are egocentric,
Speaker 3: the world revolves around us because we have to have
Speaker 3: our needs met. Yeah, And because it makes no sense
Speaker 3: to a child that he's not getting his basic survival
Speaker 3: needs met because of what's happening in his parents, well
Speaker 3: maybe because they're emotionally disconnected, he starts to internalize that
Speaker 3: shame as if there is something wrong with me, and
Speaker 3: it's no longer I've made a mistake, It's I am
Speaker 3: the mistake. It's no longer I made a fuck up.
Speaker 3: I am the fuck up.
Speaker 1: So for a little kid to carry, yes.
Speaker 3: This is the foundation of shame that then his life
Speaker 3: is built upon. Based on that identity that he's built
Speaker 3: his life on, that foundation of shame is the unprocessed
Speaker 3: trauma of that little boy who feels at his core
Speaker 3: there's something wrong with me and who I am is
Speaker 3: not okay, and that trapped energy of the wounded boy,
Speaker 3: or that trauma in the body. As I shared before,
Speaker 3: like love and connection and having our needs met as
Speaker 3: our survival and as a child. If you don't have
Speaker 3: those basic needs, those dependency needs met in childhood, the
Speaker 3: other option is you die. Right because we as humans
Speaker 3: were dependent, we don't have caregivers to look after us
Speaker 3: and feed us and take care of us. We will
Speaker 3: die to a little boy who experiences inconsistent or disconnected
Speaker 3: love from his parents based on what's going on. And
Speaker 3: it could be as simple as your mom might not
Speaker 3: be solely connected to herself and she can't fully reflect
Speaker 3: back to you that all of you is welcome and okay,
Speaker 3: and in that moment, that little boy is shame based.
Speaker 3: There's something wrong with me, something broken with me. You know,
Speaker 3: this is very much my journey, my story, right, this
Speaker 3: was me and this is what I call the mother wound.
Speaker 3: I'm really given the back context of like how this
Speaker 3: then shows up in relationships. But the deepest core wound
Speaker 3: that men experience is the mother wound. And it's not
Speaker 3: necessarily the actual mother, but it's the energy of the mother.
Speaker 3: It's motherly energy. So the nurturing, the soft touch, the
Speaker 3: reflection back to him that all of him is welcome,
Speaker 3: and okay, the quality of touch that he received from
Speaker 3: his mother or his dad as well, it's the motherly energy.
Speaker 3: So when he doesn't receive this, he's then stuck in
Speaker 3: a state of survival. When we're in survival, we do
Speaker 3: everything in our power to get out of cvival, right,
Speaker 3: so we be and become whoever we need to be
Speaker 3: in order to get our needs.
Speaker 1: Mate, Like so much sense.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So now this little boy from the absolute beginning
Speaker 3: is shape shifting and becoming the chameleon to be and
Speaker 3: become whoever he needs to be to either win approval
Speaker 3: from his dad or to receive consistent love, and that
Speaker 3: to have reflected back to him that all of him
Speaker 3: is welcome and okay. So when this little boy is
Speaker 3: stuck in this date of survival, he no longer has
Speaker 3: the safety in his environment and in his nervous system
Speaker 3: to be in tune with his own internal experience growing up.
Speaker 3: He stops receiving the gifts and the strengths that he's
Speaker 3: supposed to receive in each stage of development. So basically
Speaker 3: he loses his childhood. He loses what he's supposed to
Speaker 3: receive in every stage of development. So for example, in infancy,
Speaker 3: when we don't have our call dependency needs met, we
Speaker 3: become dependent in relationship or overly independent in relationship, so
Speaker 3: anxious or avoidant attachment. Right when that attachment system is activated, right,
Speaker 3: that's where the little boy comes out in relationship. And
Speaker 3: now he's in survival. And when he's in survival, he
Speaker 3: bees and becomes whoever he needs to be in order
Speaker 3: to keep his partner happy. So she stays and loves him,
Speaker 3: so he becomes the nice guy. The people pleas are yes, yeah,
Speaker 3: or he disconnects because it's too painful, and he actually
Speaker 3: shuts off and just closes off and moves away. Right,
Speaker 3: So then this is how those toxic masculine traits start
Speaker 3: showing up in relationships. But it's the energy this little boy, Like,
Speaker 3: at the core of a man, we just want to provide,
Speaker 3: and we want the absolute best for the people that
Speaker 3: we love most, Like we just want to give them everything.
Speaker 3: Like every man I've ever speak to, like at his core,
Speaker 3: that is what he wants to do is serve and provide.
Speaker 3: Survival is more important than that. So when that little
Speaker 3: boy is activated, that's when he starts hurting the people
Speaker 3: that he loves. And even though he's trying his absolute
Speaker 3: best to provide and be the best man possible, he's
Speaker 3: unconscious to how his wounds are actually pushing people away
Speaker 3: or how his wounds are actually hurting other people, the
Speaker 3: people he loves most. And I normally say, like, the
Speaker 3: reason why the wounded in a boy comes out in
Speaker 3: relationships is because it's the safe space where he's finally
Speaker 3: having it reflected back to him of a love that's
Speaker 3: so meaningful to him, right, that reflects his parents and
Speaker 3: as a representation of the love he received from his parents.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So if someone's listening and they're like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: I can so see this in my partner, but it's
Speaker 2: really hard to hold when they become anxious. First of all,
Speaker 2: do you want to give a little breakdown on anxious
Speaker 2: attachment and avoid an attachment? Then that will further answer
Speaker 2: my question of like, how do they help support that
Speaker 2: little boy or encourage their husband to support their own
Speaker 2: little boy?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Great question. So the anxious is think of anxious
Speaker 3: as can't remember which book I got this from, but
Speaker 3: I saw these two pictures. I was like, that is
Speaker 3: a perfect example of this. Anxious is like the octopus.
Speaker 3: So when the anxious is activated in a man or
Speaker 3: even a woman, yes, is the tentacles start reaching out,
Speaker 3: They start trying to grab anything and everything. Yes, anything
Speaker 3: and everything. The anxious attachment is very much the sitting
Speaker 3: by your phone checking it five times every thirty seconds
Speaker 3: to see if your partner replied or responded, or the
Speaker 3: constant rumination of like, what are they doing? You know
Speaker 3: what's happening in reassurance all the time? Yep? Yeah. And
Speaker 3: at the root of that is the fear of abandonment,
Speaker 3: fear of this person's going to leave me, right, so
Speaker 3: I must be become whoever I need to be in
Speaker 3: order for them to stay. I need to keep getting
Speaker 3: touch points. I need constant reassurance that you're not going
Speaker 3: to leave me, that I'm okay, I'm all good. And
Speaker 3: the biggest issue is when a man doesn't have that
Speaker 3: ability to self soothe and regulate his emotions because he
Speaker 3: didn't receive that strength in development. Now he's in a
Speaker 3: state of activation and he doesn't know what to do. Yeah,
Speaker 3: so he then distracts. He then just goes, I'm just
Speaker 3: going to train really hard today.
Speaker 1: Successful, yes, right, yeah.
Speaker 3: Yes, and distracts. And when we distract, we actually separate
Speaker 3: ourselves and we become more disconnected over time because we're
Speaker 3: actually moving further away from feeling.
Speaker 1: What needs to be felt.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the anxious, And then the avoidance is it's
Speaker 3: so painful, I shut down.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah. So think of this as like fight or flight response.
Speaker 3: So we've got fight flight, which is pretty much the anxious,
Speaker 3: like fight flight, I'm going to fight to get your
Speaker 3: attention and love and fawn. So feign response is actually
Speaker 3: people pleasing. It's a trauma response, becoming whoever you need
Speaker 3: to be in order to keep them happy so they stay.
Speaker 3: So those are the first three. So we got fight flight, fawn,
Speaker 3: and then we've got freeze right, freeze, and then pretty
Speaker 3: much disconnect and run away, which is avoidant, yeah, which
Speaker 3: is shut down, which is going quiet, stone walling, spending
Speaker 3: less time at home. Imagine like pulling up in the
Speaker 3: driveway and like not wanting to go inside because you're like, oh,
Speaker 3: like I don't know what. It's overwhelming for their nervous
Speaker 3: system pretty much basically, and they get into shut down
Speaker 3: or they need to run away or distance themselves. And
Speaker 3: that's pretty much the strategy that they developed as a
Speaker 3: child to either keep themselves safe or gain love and
Speaker 3: connection in some way. That's how attachments really developed.
Speaker 2: Yeah, those attachment stars I've spoken about before in the podcast.
Speaker 2: It's not just two men, Like I'm definitely more anxious
Speaker 2: and my partners more an avoidant, which is like the opposite.
Speaker 2: So I'd get more anxious than he'd avoid more. They
Speaker 2: can like separate more and you've got both in a relationship.
Speaker 3: Something that's not spoken about enough with this is that
Speaker 3: it's actually healthy.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because I'm like, yeah, tell me what. Because opposites attract, true,
Speaker 3: we live in a yes, we live in a world
Speaker 3: of duality. Yes, we live in a world of polarity duality, right, yeah,
Speaker 3: and when we try and live a one sided life
Speaker 3: and in a two sided reality, it's the source of
Speaker 3: all suffering, which is what my mental always shares with me.
Speaker 3: So understanding that like male, female, masculine and feminine, like
Speaker 3: we have opposites to everything and in this sense, that's
Speaker 3: why we're attracted to each other as humans. Yeah. But
Speaker 3: then there's the activated anxious and avoidance, yes yeah, and
Speaker 3: then there's the like the healthy stage where it's communicated
Speaker 3: you know what you need to feel safe, you know
Speaker 3: what you need to come back to connection, yes, yeah,
Speaker 3: and then you know what you need within your relationship
Speaker 3: for there to be a greater level of devotion and
Speaker 3: vision towards what you're creating together.
Speaker 2: It is really when you can have those conversations because
Speaker 2: like we've been to get the sixteen years now, but
Speaker 2: the start, which was just no understanding around it was
Speaker 2: like anxious avoidant, It was.
Speaker 1: Just caused a lot.
Speaker 2: But now it's like when you understand that person, you
Speaker 2: can actually support where they're at and know what they
Speaker 2: need to feel safe. And then over time like now
Speaker 2: I'm just I'm so secure with him, I wouldn't even
Speaker 2: describe myself as anxious with him. Maybe more friendships, but yeah,
Speaker 2: it's really cool to understand those. So if I'm a
Speaker 2: woman listening and I'm like, wow, my husband is so avoidant,
Speaker 2: I understand all of this.
Speaker 1: Now what do I do? Ryan? Help me? What advice
Speaker 1: would you give?
Speaker 3: The thing is with men, men need to do it
Speaker 3: from a place of empowerment. That's the thing.
Speaker 1: Good point criticism.
Speaker 3: Yes, So typically when a woman pushes for a man to, hey,
Speaker 3: do this work, Hey, listen to this podcast, Hey read
Speaker 3: this book, his feeling is out the door. Yeah. Run,
Speaker 3: you're playing the role of his mother again. Yes, true,
Speaker 3: And with that that's the biggest tone for him, and
Speaker 3: he's going to move even further away. But the greatest
Speaker 3: invitation of woman can bring to the table to invite
Speaker 3: a man into doing the work is by her going
Speaker 3: first leading. Yes, hold the torch, yeesh. The beautiful part
Speaker 3: about the feminine is a feminine woman will constantly, through
Speaker 3: her self expression, trigger a man into doing the work.
Speaker 3: And those triggers, over time are the subtle invitations for
Speaker 3: him to lean in and face his deepest wounds. And
Speaker 3: the unfortunate truth is most men wait until the feather
Speaker 3: brick in the truck, right all, there's like a thousand
Speaker 3: invitations for him to step up, to lead, to look
Speaker 3: within and handle his past wounds that are showing up
Speaker 3: in the relationship. Typically it's when it's painful enough.
Speaker 1: So when there's a breakdown of the marriage.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think there's any one reason, but I
Speaker 3: think that men are really good at especially men that
Speaker 3: are very much in their head. They're very good at justifying,
Speaker 3: and they're analytical thinking and like logically trying to solve problems.
Speaker 3: What we're doing then is we're actually even creating more
Speaker 3: disconnect because we're in our head more than being in
Speaker 3: the body.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And when we look at the mind, it's the
Speaker 3: conscious mind is only five percent. So yeah, yeah, So
Speaker 3: real transformation happens when we go with into the body
Speaker 3: and start processing a lot of the wounds that are
Speaker 3: in the body. So a woman going first being the
Speaker 3: imitation through her self expression, through her just just being
Speaker 3: her most empowered self, that's beautiful. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I do feel like that's quite a common thing. Like,
Speaker 2: if I think of my journey, Steve has definitely led
Speaker 2: me in a lot of things, but I've definitely led
Speaker 2: him and say with a lot of my girlfriends, and
Speaker 2: normally the first one to start the self development, do
Speaker 2: the courses, listen to the podcast, and then the man
Speaker 2: starts to curious.
Speaker 1: But as soon as you start to create.
Speaker 2: I know for Steve, if I ever criticize him, it's like, well,
Speaker 2: wall up, it just doesn't work, yeap.
Speaker 3: The gift of the feminine for a man is she'll
Speaker 3: constantly invite him into his heart. Yeah, constant imitations for
Speaker 3: him to get out of his head into his heart.
Speaker 3: Woman wants to feel that this man is connected to
Speaker 3: his heart. So beautiful esphere she feels safe.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So the feminine provokes for a man to be
Speaker 3: connected to his heart, and a man provokes the feminine
Speaker 3: to be connected to her body and in her body
Speaker 3: and grounded in her body.
Speaker 1: So beautiful.
Speaker 2: I know you've spoken a lot about the little boy
Speaker 2: and like infant stage and when we're growing up in
Speaker 2: the first seven years are such an important part of
Speaker 2: our life where we get all our beliefs. When I
Speaker 2: was speaking to my husband about this recently, we're talking
Speaker 2: about past traumas, he said, he feels like more of
Speaker 2: his traumas have come from his twenties and the mistakes
Speaker 2: he's made in his adult life rather than when he
Speaker 2: was a child.
Speaker 1: I think it can be both.
Speaker 2: Do you think that is him avoiding and like maybe
Speaker 2: not wanting to visit his childhood or do you think
Speaker 2: that can be true that more traumas can come from
Speaker 2: adult life as well.
Speaker 3: Yeah, what I know to be true is that we
Speaker 3: don't know what we don't know, and we'll do our
Speaker 3: best with the information that we have. Yes, right, So
Speaker 3: if that's the information that we have, that's cool. That's
Speaker 3: all I've got. Now there's the two different types of trauma.
Speaker 3: There's big T trauma, there's little tea trauma. Now, the
Speaker 3: issue with this, With big T trauma, it's like there's
Speaker 3: a big, very evident event that happened that I can
Speaker 3: point my finger out all the details. It was that
Speaker 3: when I was twenty. That's why I am this way, yes, right.
Speaker 3: But then small TA trauma, which is what I work with,
Speaker 3: it's this micro, subtle trauma that happens over a long
Speaker 3: period of time that you can't put your finger on.
Speaker 3: And typically it's emotional abuse that you experience in childhood,
Speaker 3: and emotional abuse can actually just be Your parents were
Speaker 3: disconnected from themselves emotionally and couldn't love you in the
Speaker 3: way that you needed. Yes, that's emotional abuse. You didn't
Speaker 3: get the needs. Abuse can be so subtle. The issue
Speaker 3: with this is when we confuse love with the trauma
Speaker 3: and the wounding that we experience growing up. So the
Speaker 3: love that we receive growing up, that's our representation and
Speaker 3: paradigm of love. Oh, that's the big issue. We don't
Speaker 3: know any different.
Speaker 1: So that's what that kind of say. I don't focus,
Speaker 1: I don't know any different.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what I saw mom and dad do. Like,
Speaker 3: this is my representation and worldview of masculine and feminine energy.
Speaker 3: I used to work with masculine and feminine energy. That
Speaker 3: was like my work, right, Yeah, and then I got
Speaker 3: over it because I was like, no real shift happens
Speaker 3: in someone when you start integrating more of the masculine
Speaker 3: archetypes or traits or the feminine.
Speaker 1: It's the trauma you want to get too.
Speaker 3: Yes, because at our core, we are naturally balanced within
Speaker 3: our core energies. Right, So when a man has his needs, man,
Speaker 3: he gains those strengths. So these developmental strengths he builds
Speaker 3: a healthy relationship with his emotions, which is his feminine energy, right,
Speaker 3: and then he has the ability to lead and make
Speaker 3: decisions and be in his own frame of energy, which
Speaker 3: is his masculine right. So in our core, we're naturally
Speaker 3: balanced and the energy is already. So going back and
Speaker 3: healing that little boy that didn't feel safe enough to
Speaker 3: feel or express his emotions because maybe they would have
Speaker 3: been dismissed, right, or may be he didn't actually even
Speaker 3: have a representation or role model of what it meant
Speaker 3: to feel and process your emotions. He becomes disconnected from
Speaker 3: his feminine energy. That's a mother wound. Yes, this is
Speaker 3: the mother wound and I'm speaking of the mother wound
Speaker 3: is the feminine energy that we experienced growing up and
Speaker 3: the disconnect we have with it. So that's how we
Speaker 3: can Yeah, it really starts showing up in the masculine
Speaker 3: and feminine dynamic. To bring it back to your question
Speaker 3: about your partner and.
Speaker 2: The micro emoment, Yes, yeah, I use an example last
Speaker 2: night because we're actually talking about last night.
Speaker 1: Our little girl was.
Speaker 2: Sick and normally we pop her on a cot and
Speaker 2: we're like no no, She's like no, I love you
Speaker 2: and close the door and she goes to bed. And
Speaker 2: last night she was like needing cuddles from me, and
Speaker 2: then Steve woud leave the room.
Speaker 1: She'd be like, daddy cuddles.
Speaker 2: It went on for about fifteen minutes and singing, and
Speaker 2: she needed this whole thing. And afterwards I was saying
Speaker 2: to Steve, I was like, it's really nice that we
Speaker 2: can be her pain, relief, her safety, her love, her everything.
Speaker 2: And even though that was at the end of the day,
Speaker 2: I was tired. I didn't feel like I had much
Speaker 2: left in me for her. But I was like, if
Speaker 2: we didn't, if we just popped in a cot and
Speaker 2: then walked out and like let her cry to sleep,
Speaker 2: that's a micro trauma. I was like, Oh, when I'm
Speaker 2: at my worst, mom and dad can't show it for me,
Speaker 2: when I cry, when I'm sick, when I'm whatever. I
Speaker 2: want her to know that we're alwaysy no matter what
Speaker 2: I think. If you miss those micro moments in your
Speaker 2: adult life, it shows up. Is that a good example,
Speaker 2: because that's how I felt.
Speaker 3: Yep, yeah, absolutely, yeah. And is that something that you
Speaker 3: experienced as a girl.
Speaker 1: So many miss moments from my parents, so many.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a beautiful example of a core wound that
Speaker 3: you experienced in childhood. And one of the biggest issues
Speaker 3: where the wounded in a child plays out. And I'm
Speaker 3: not a parent, but I work with so many fathers,
Speaker 3: so many fathers, and it's got nothing to do with
Speaker 3: actually parenting, and everything to do with you parenting. You're
Speaker 3: in a girl or in a boy, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3: The biggest issue where the wounded in a child comes
Speaker 3: out is how you parent your children. And typically it's
Speaker 3: from place of I'm going to give you everything that
Speaker 3: I never had, Yeah, and in doing so, you're robbing
Speaker 3: that child from their independence. Yeah. Or this is how
Speaker 3: I was treated because this is what's familiar to me,
Speaker 3: and this is how you should also be treated. Or
Speaker 3: one thing was and this is what I experienced was
Speaker 3: my dad. He was like, well, I didn't have this
Speaker 3: as a kid, so why should you have it?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I turned out all right, so you'll be fine. Yeah.
Speaker 3: So that's a little boy in him like this, Like,
Speaker 3: how come he gets to have it? I didn't have it?
Speaker 3: So parenting from the wounded in a child, right, and
Speaker 3: when we're unconscious to it, like we don't know the
Speaker 3: difference between anything because we aren't aware of it. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 3: So what I would say, like about your partner is
Speaker 3: all roads lead to childhood, and typically what we experience
Speaker 3: in our early adulthood is actually based on the foundation
Speaker 3: of that shame that's already there, and then our life
Speaker 3: is then built upon and then the only conscious memory
Speaker 3: we have is this. But the absolutely bottom of it,
Speaker 3: the foundation of what led everything to that moment is
Speaker 3: the wounded in a boy or the unmet emotional needs.
Speaker 3: No one escaped childhood without nights, no one.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So you work a lot with men, what would you
Speaker 2: say is the main thing that they come to you for?
Speaker 2: It might not be what they actually need help for,
Speaker 2: but when they come to your book in a session,
Speaker 2: what would you say is the main thing that men
Speaker 2: in our society is struggling with?
Speaker 3: Right now, my partner's going to leave me if I don't,
Speaker 3: really I don't do this work.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2: The men that come to you at their final stage
Speaker 2: of like, I actually have no choice otherwise I'm going
Speaker 2: to lose.
Speaker 1: My wife or my partner. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Interesting, Okay, until it's painful enough. Men typically that's when
Speaker 3: they'll get off the nail. It's painful enough, get off
Speaker 3: the nails.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So what I've experienced in the men's coaching space is
Speaker 3: or in the men's personal development world, And if you
Speaker 3: have been in it, if you're a men's coach or anything,
Speaker 3: you know that it's hard to get men to events.
Speaker 3: It's hard to get men into the work.
Speaker 1: Not as easy as women. No, we're like freely like whowday. Yes.
Speaker 3: Yeah. One thing with that with my work was I
Speaker 3: realized I was like, no, men do do the work,
Speaker 3: because I've been to events where there's two hundred men
Speaker 3: sitting there eagerly learning, like it's possible. I know it.
Speaker 3: What creates this shift, what creates the shift from a
Speaker 3: man just opening his mind a little bit more to
Speaker 3: the work. I look back on my journey and every
Speaker 3: single time it's been a relationship breakup or breakdown that's
Speaker 3: invited me into the work. So it's like, Okay, well
Speaker 3: that's who I'm going to speak to ye. And as
Speaker 3: soon as I started speaking to that, I had thousands
Speaker 3: of men coming to me, thousands. What brings them to
Speaker 3: doing this work or opening him is, like I said,
Speaker 3: when it gets painful enough, doesn't have to get to that.
Speaker 3: But yeah, it's typically how it initiates for them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2: Even in our experience, which I've spoken about openly, the
Speaker 2: hard times that we've had in our marriage and relationship,
Speaker 2: that has created the biggest change as hard as like
Speaker 2: being in conflict or disagreeing or just not feeling super
Speaker 2: connected on the other side of a breakdown, as a breakthrough,
Speaker 2: it's a really cool mindset to have. Yeah, Normally, through
Speaker 2: the hardest, most painful moments, the biggest light comes through.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the hardest moments that you've experienced is recognized. Like
Speaker 3: a breakdown brings a breakthrough. Is when a man leads
Speaker 3: the breakthrough, that's really where he gains this sense of
Speaker 3: like leadership and power in the relationship.
Speaker 1: Yeah, i'd be so empowering for a man.
Speaker 3: Yes, the greatest sense of providing is being able to
Speaker 3: provide emotionally for your partner. So when a man can
Speaker 3: provide that emotional security and safety for a woman to
Speaker 3: be at a heart being a feminine, it's the most
Speaker 3: everything and everything. Yeah, Yeah, it's everything.
Speaker 2: Especially in today's society. A lot of I can speak
Speaker 2: on behalf of myself too, but a lot of my
Speaker 2: friends as well. We actually, yes, we like to be
Speaker 2: financially provided for, we actually don't need it anymore, Like
Speaker 2: we are more than capable of earning our own money.
Speaker 2: But the emotional safety, like we yearn for, like it
Speaker 2: is everything. It is literally everything.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's wired yes, into us. Right, So if we
Speaker 3: think of.
Speaker 1: Take care of us to me passenger princess.
Speaker 3: And like when you say that, I'm like, oh yeah,
Speaker 3: like that fires me up and I feel out of
Speaker 3: my gut because I'm like, I want to drive my
Speaker 3: woman around. I want her to be the passenger queen.
Speaker 2: I want her to, you know, not bring her wallet
Speaker 2: because she knows that I've got it for her, yeah,
Speaker 2: enough to make decisions because I've already booked it.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3: There are a lot of men out there that are
Speaker 3: in their healthy masculine a lot of the time. Yeah,
Speaker 3: that's going to be impossible for a woman to receive
Speaker 3: if she has the lenses on of men are unsafe
Speaker 3: based on her experiences.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So for me in my previous relationship, I did my
Speaker 3: absolute best to lead, to provide, to serve, like to
Speaker 3: the point where I lost myself in the relationship because
Speaker 3: it was impossible for me to actually lead, provide and
Speaker 3: for her feel safe. It was impossible because she had
Speaker 3: the lenses on of men are unsafe. I can't trust men,
Speaker 3: I can't relax or it's surrender to a man, right,
Speaker 3: and therefore men equals unsafe.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so it was impossible for me to provide and
Speaker 3: give this woman what she needed. So I think that's
Speaker 3: really important to speak into because I work with a
Speaker 3: lot of men and sometimes I'm like, man, like, you're
Speaker 3: actually doing everything. Yes, there's still things for you to
Speaker 3: work on. There's a lot here, Like we still get
Speaker 3: to help always integrate this little boy, and you really
Speaker 3: step into this whole other level of leadership. But based
Speaker 3: on what you share with me on your relationship, I
Speaker 3: don't think she can actually receive your leadership because of
Speaker 3: her wounds.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So with that, it's being really hard for her to
Speaker 3: open and relax and trust and surrender to a man's leadership,
Speaker 3: even if he is in his healthy masculine.
Speaker 2: This work is not linear. It doesn't get to an
Speaker 2: end date. I feel like as soon as I'm like
Speaker 2: healing through something, universe is like there's something.
Speaker 1: Else you're ready to level up. You asked for it.
Speaker 2: But that's why there is incredible coaches out there, like,
Speaker 2: I love the coach on working with now, she's so beautiful.
Speaker 2: I've worked with multi different coaches for different reasons and
Speaker 2: different seasons that I've been in, but that's really beautiful.
Speaker 2: I've absolutely loved everything that you've shared. I feel like
Speaker 2: you could probably continue to talk for another three hours
Speaker 2: on it. But that's what you share on social media.
Speaker 2: This is what you do for a coach. You have
Speaker 2: courses as well, do you have online?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm actually releasing my first self paced program for me.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: It's called Heal the Boy, Awaken the Man, and.
Speaker 2: That's really cool and it's just good different pwending on
Speaker 2: people if they want to work face to face or
Speaker 2: depending on our finances, You've got different options for different people.
Speaker 1: For anyone listening, where did they find you?
Speaker 3: Instagram and Facebook? It just Ryan Moresby White. Yeah, super
Speaker 3: simple and I post a loon.
Speaker 1: You do post a lot, so good love it every time. Popsuf.
Speaker 2: I'm like, yes, like, thank you so much for sharing
Speaker 2: all that wisdom. We have you back on Wednesday, which
Speaker 2: is really cool. So today was all about the wounded
Speaker 2: masculine energy, and on Wednesday we're talking about men's mental
Speaker 2: health in general, which is a very important topic to
Speaker 2: be talking about and I don't think it's spoken about enough.
Speaker 1: So thanks to join of us. We'll see you on Wednesday,
Speaker 1: Bi