1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:07,281 Speaker 1: Apoday Production. 2 00:00:12,041 --> 00:00:14,721 Speaker 2: Welcome to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm actually Bynes. 3 00:00:15,041 --> 00:00:16,841 Speaker 2: This is a podcast where we learn. 4 00:00:16,841 --> 00:00:18,081 Speaker 1: Laugh, and level up together. 5 00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:21,561 Speaker 2: Let's go deep, let the emotions flow, find the lessons 6 00:00:21,561 --> 00:00:24,320 Speaker 2: to grow and glow. Nothing is off the table with 7 00:00:24,401 --> 00:00:26,521 Speaker 2: Grow and Glow, and I'm here to be your expander. 8 00:00:30,681 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, and welcome back to Grow and Glow. I've 9 00:00:33,321 --> 00:00:35,240 Speaker 2: got a special guest with me. I don't know how 10 00:00:35,241 --> 00:00:38,360 Speaker 2: I found you online, stalked you down somehow, and then 11 00:00:38,521 --> 00:00:40,441 Speaker 2: I want to watch my girlfriend speak and you were 12 00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:42,521 Speaker 2: also on stage and I was like, oh my gosh, 13 00:00:42,801 --> 00:00:45,521 Speaker 2: so cool. So welcome Ryan to the podcast. 14 00:00:45,521 --> 00:00:47,601 Speaker 3: Thanks for being here, Thank you so much for having 15 00:00:47,601 --> 00:00:47,881 Speaker 3: me on. 16 00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:48,361 Speaker 1: Today. 17 00:00:48,441 --> 00:00:52,280 Speaker 2: We're talking about wounded masculine, which I think is a 18 00:00:52,361 --> 00:00:54,761 Speaker 2: topic that I mean, I've looked a lot into but 19 00:00:54,801 --> 00:00:57,081 Speaker 2: a lot of people might not understand or know much 20 00:00:57,081 --> 00:00:58,841 Speaker 2: about it. But if you have a husband, a son, 21 00:00:58,921 --> 00:01:02,361 Speaker 2: a brother, this information is going to be super super helpful. 22 00:01:02,401 --> 00:01:04,041 Speaker 2: So we're going to go quite deep into it today. 23 00:01:04,601 --> 00:01:06,441 Speaker 2: But before we do, we do a share of the week. 24 00:01:06,521 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 1: Each week. 25 00:01:09,041 --> 00:01:11,641 Speaker 3: Look, I was thinking about yeah, product or something like that, 26 00:01:11,681 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 3: and then I really thought I want to give as 27 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,200 Speaker 3: much value as I can on this podcast, And something 28 00:01:16,241 --> 00:01:19,761 Speaker 3: that's really been present for me as of late as 29 00:01:19,961 --> 00:01:23,641 Speaker 3: being a single man at the moment, is learning how 30 00:01:23,681 --> 00:01:29,121 Speaker 3: to cultivate a connection with the feminine energy without women. 31 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:29,800 Speaker 2: Wow. 32 00:01:29,881 --> 00:01:32,601 Speaker 3: Yes, so I've been exploring that. It's been really cool 33 00:01:32,721 --> 00:01:35,801 Speaker 3: doing that in a very conscious way, being not in 34 00:01:35,801 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 3: a relationship at the moment and being able to actually 35 00:01:38,321 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 3: explore that and find those connections within myself. Like, yeah, 36 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,720 Speaker 3: it's been incredible. So instead of receiving let's say, even 37 00:01:45,721 --> 00:01:48,321 Speaker 3: like the physical touch of having a partner, this is 38 00:01:48,321 --> 00:01:50,881 Speaker 3: for men and women as well. Yeah, it's learning how 39 00:01:50,921 --> 00:01:55,681 Speaker 3: to meet those needs within myself and connecting with myself 40 00:01:56,041 --> 00:01:58,800 Speaker 3: on that depth and that level. It's been really really cool, 41 00:01:59,081 --> 00:02:03,081 Speaker 3: really Yeah. And simple things like being intentional about the 42 00:02:03,121 --> 00:02:06,281 Speaker 3: feminine energy of like having a bar, but like receiving, 43 00:02:06,401 --> 00:02:10,121 Speaker 3: practicing receiving like the warmth of the bath, like the sensations, 44 00:02:10,161 --> 00:02:13,441 Speaker 3: like the subtleness of it, allowing myself to receive which 45 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:15,041 Speaker 3: is which is a feminine Yeah. 46 00:02:14,921 --> 00:02:15,801 Speaker 1: It's a beautiful dance. 47 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,641 Speaker 2: Whenever I talk about masculine and feminine energy, sometimes get 48 00:02:18,641 --> 00:02:21,161 Speaker 2: a bit of a pushback online because I think people 49 00:02:21,201 --> 00:02:23,641 Speaker 2: think that you're either masculine or you're feminine, but both 50 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:26,361 Speaker 2: are so equally important and it's about like bringing them 51 00:02:26,401 --> 00:02:27,441 Speaker 2: together to work together. 52 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:28,681 Speaker 1: That's really cool. 53 00:02:28,841 --> 00:02:30,321 Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, So. 54 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 2: Today we're talking about wounded masculine in your own words. 55 00:02:34,441 --> 00:02:37,441 Speaker 2: What is that for someone who's never heard that terminology before? 56 00:02:37,601 --> 00:02:39,041 Speaker 2: What is a wounded masculine? 57 00:02:39,281 --> 00:02:43,681 Speaker 3: Yeah, So the wounded masculine energy is really the unprocessed 58 00:02:44,161 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 3: trauma that we hold in our body as men and women. 59 00:02:48,121 --> 00:02:50,441 Speaker 3: But for the most part, I'm just speaking to men. Yes, 60 00:02:50,841 --> 00:02:54,241 Speaker 3: So it's the unprocessed trauma or wounds that we hold 61 00:02:54,361 --> 00:02:56,521 Speaker 3: and store in our body based on the needs that 62 00:02:56,561 --> 00:02:58,921 Speaker 3: we didn't have met in childhood. 63 00:02:58,441 --> 00:02:59,161 Speaker 1: As a little boy. 64 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,761 Speaker 3: Yes. Yeah, My whole thing is helping men heal the 65 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,441 Speaker 3: little boy within them. What I'm speaking of is the 66 00:03:05,161 --> 00:03:08,201 Speaker 3: sess energy and emotion, which is trauma that's stuck in 67 00:03:08,201 --> 00:03:11,201 Speaker 3: the body, which then manifests as what we know is 68 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:14,720 Speaker 3: like toxic masculine traits. Yes, yeah, and that comes out 69 00:03:14,721 --> 00:03:19,201 Speaker 3: as you know, everything we see in relationships, specifically like reactivity, defensiveness, 70 00:03:19,201 --> 00:03:22,800 Speaker 3: and the wounded masculine traits that most people know about. 71 00:03:22,921 --> 00:03:26,161 Speaker 2: So yeah, I just actually finished my last session last 72 00:03:26,161 --> 00:03:29,721 Speaker 2: week with a feminine coach and majority of the sessions. 73 00:03:29,721 --> 00:03:31,961 Speaker 2: I've always worked with male coaches, which I love, but 74 00:03:32,001 --> 00:03:33,961 Speaker 2: I feel like it's been more in my head and 75 00:03:34,041 --> 00:03:35,721 Speaker 2: logical and this is a problem. 76 00:03:35,401 --> 00:03:37,201 Speaker 1: This is let's understand it, this is what you. 77 00:03:37,121 --> 00:03:40,241 Speaker 2: Can do, Whereas with her it was all about like 78 00:03:40,401 --> 00:03:44,321 Speaker 2: feeling and a lot of the sessions were visualizations going 79 00:03:44,361 --> 00:03:47,321 Speaker 2: back to a moment that was traumatic for me and 80 00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,561 Speaker 2: going back and actually had to visualize. 81 00:03:50,041 --> 00:03:52,201 Speaker 1: Okay, where was my little girl, what was she wearing? 82 00:03:52,481 --> 00:03:53,161 Speaker 1: Where was she in? 83 00:03:53,281 --> 00:03:54,641 Speaker 2: Like a lot of time I was on my bed, 84 00:03:54,681 --> 00:03:57,801 Speaker 2: curled up or in a corner crying, and then me, 85 00:03:57,881 --> 00:03:59,921 Speaker 2: isn't my adult self have to walk in? 86 00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:01,321 Speaker 1: And then what does she need? 87 00:04:01,921 --> 00:04:04,201 Speaker 2: And at the start, I found it really hard to 88 00:04:04,241 --> 00:04:06,481 Speaker 2: be there for her, and I remember crying in my 89 00:04:06,561 --> 00:04:09,361 Speaker 2: second session. I was just crying. She's like, what's coming 90 00:04:09,401 --> 00:04:10,801 Speaker 2: up for you? And I said, I'm scared I can't 91 00:04:10,801 --> 00:04:13,961 Speaker 2: be consistent for her. And that moment I realized how 92 00:04:14,001 --> 00:04:17,041 Speaker 2: much I abandoned myself all the time. And throughout this 93 00:04:17,121 --> 00:04:18,921 Speaker 2: last three months, I've learned that I'd either go to 94 00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:22,401 Speaker 2: food to distract from my feelings or scroll my phone. 95 00:04:22,641 --> 00:04:25,681 Speaker 2: So throughout this three months, been so beautiful to now 96 00:04:25,721 --> 00:04:27,241 Speaker 2: instead of when I go to grab my phone or 97 00:04:27,241 --> 00:04:29,401 Speaker 2: go to look for a snack, I'm like, no, I 98 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,041 Speaker 2: actually need to go and sit with her. And I 99 00:04:32,041 --> 00:04:35,041 Speaker 2: can't blame anyone else for abandoning me because I'm doing 100 00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 2: it all the time. And it's been so nice to 101 00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 2: build that trust and relationship with her aka and myself 102 00:04:42,041 --> 00:04:44,721 Speaker 2: that I've always got my own back. But before this, 103 00:04:44,841 --> 00:04:47,241 Speaker 2: it's just like I didn't realize how much that can 104 00:04:47,281 --> 00:04:52,321 Speaker 2: impact your life. It's the most powerful work, but it's uncomfortable. 105 00:04:52,641 --> 00:04:56,121 Speaker 3: It is. It is uncomfortable, and that's because as humans 106 00:04:56,121 --> 00:05:00,201 Speaker 3: we do everything to avoid feeling pain. Yeah, And also 107 00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:02,840 Speaker 3: like the greatest gifts are within that pain as well. 108 00:05:03,081 --> 00:05:05,441 Speaker 3: The more a man has a capacity to face himself 109 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:06,921 Speaker 3: and do that work that you were just speaking of, 110 00:05:07,601 --> 00:05:09,601 Speaker 3: the more courage he has to actually lean in and 111 00:05:09,641 --> 00:05:13,440 Speaker 3: face himself, the easier it gets as well. And so 112 00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:15,641 Speaker 3: for me in my healing journey, like it's always a journey, 113 00:05:15,641 --> 00:05:16,121 Speaker 3: it's never. 114 00:05:16,081 --> 00:05:18,841 Speaker 1: Ending, yeah, and I wish it was sometimes. 115 00:05:20,041 --> 00:05:23,241 Speaker 3: What you just shared than is the exact prime example 116 00:05:23,361 --> 00:05:26,961 Speaker 3: of the wounded and a child and men that are 117 00:05:27,081 --> 00:05:32,841 Speaker 3: addicted to porn, drinking addictions, like scrolling their phone working. 118 00:05:32,961 --> 00:05:36,760 Speaker 3: He's a massive probably the biggest one that yeah, yeah, 119 00:05:36,841 --> 00:05:39,561 Speaker 3: probably the biggest one. And then typically where it comes 120 00:05:39,601 --> 00:05:41,801 Speaker 3: out is when they create massive success and they sell 121 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:44,640 Speaker 3: their company or something happens, and then they lose a 122 00:05:44,681 --> 00:05:48,841 Speaker 3: sense of purpose. Yeah, that little boy within him was 123 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,881 Speaker 3: gaining that sense of purpose through the validation of either 124 00:05:51,921 --> 00:05:55,161 Speaker 3: making money or let's say a relationship. Yeah, And then 125 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,601 Speaker 3: he doesn't just lose the business or a relationship, he's 126 00:05:58,641 --> 00:06:01,001 Speaker 3: losing his sense of meaning and purpose as well. 127 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,281 Speaker 2: When a man is in his wounded masculine energy, Can 128 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,681 Speaker 2: we talk about what happens in a relationship dynamic and 129 00:06:06,721 --> 00:06:09,521 Speaker 2: what happens when he's not in a relationship the type 130 00:06:09,561 --> 00:06:13,001 Speaker 2: of behavior, Like I know you said, there can be reactivity. 131 00:06:13,001 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 2: Could you dive have a little bit more deeper into 132 00:06:14,561 --> 00:06:15,320 Speaker 2: what shows up? 133 00:06:15,521 --> 00:06:19,441 Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely, So this is really coming into what's known 134 00:06:19,481 --> 00:06:22,561 Speaker 3: as toxic masculinity. And the thing is with toxic masculinity 135 00:06:22,641 --> 00:06:26,721 Speaker 3: is there's actually no such thing. There's either healthy expressions 136 00:06:26,961 --> 00:06:31,361 Speaker 3: of masculinity or unhealthy expressions of masculinity. When we label 137 00:06:31,481 --> 00:06:35,281 Speaker 3: toxic masculinity, we're really putting a label and putting men 138 00:06:35,361 --> 00:06:38,481 Speaker 3: into a box. Saying you're a toxic man, and we 139 00:06:38,561 --> 00:06:41,961 Speaker 3: all have the capacity for these traits. I've been labeled 140 00:06:41,961 --> 00:06:44,721 Speaker 3: a toxic masculine man before, and I held so much 141 00:06:44,761 --> 00:06:47,041 Speaker 3: shame on that because I made it mean that that's 142 00:06:47,081 --> 00:06:47,801 Speaker 3: who I am. 143 00:06:47,921 --> 00:06:48,841 Speaker 1: I'm a toxic male. 144 00:06:49,001 --> 00:06:51,760 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, And the biggest issue with the wounded in 145 00:06:51,801 --> 00:06:57,601 Speaker 3: a child is we internalize what's called toxic shame. So 146 00:06:57,641 --> 00:07:01,441 Speaker 3: we need healthy levels of shame, which gives us boundaries 147 00:07:01,481 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 3: as humans. So we need a healthy level to know 148 00:07:03,921 --> 00:07:06,561 Speaker 3: our limits as humans. Right. But when a little boy 149 00:07:06,641 --> 00:07:10,961 Speaker 3: doesn't have his needs met in the sense of he 150 00:07:11,081 --> 00:07:13,281 Speaker 3: knows love is not going to be taken away from 151 00:07:13,361 --> 00:07:15,881 Speaker 3: him if he makes a mistake, he knows that he's 152 00:07:15,921 --> 00:07:19,921 Speaker 3: a high priority, his needs matter, his emotional experience matters, 153 00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:23,401 Speaker 3: and that his parents are okay. As children are egocentric, 154 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,521 Speaker 3: the world revolves around us because we have to have 155 00:07:25,561 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 3: our needs met. Yeah, And because it makes no sense 156 00:07:28,161 --> 00:07:30,840 Speaker 3: to a child that he's not getting his basic survival 157 00:07:30,881 --> 00:07:33,521 Speaker 3: needs met because of what's happening in his parents, well 158 00:07:33,601 --> 00:07:38,401 Speaker 3: maybe because they're emotionally disconnected, he starts to internalize that 159 00:07:38,521 --> 00:07:42,281 Speaker 3: shame as if there is something wrong with me, and 160 00:07:42,441 --> 00:07:44,801 Speaker 3: it's no longer I've made a mistake, It's I am 161 00:07:44,841 --> 00:07:47,641 Speaker 3: the mistake. It's no longer I made a fuck up. 162 00:07:47,681 --> 00:07:48,561 Speaker 3: I am the fuck up. 163 00:07:49,201 --> 00:07:51,201 Speaker 1: So for a little kid to carry, yes. 164 00:07:51,401 --> 00:07:53,561 Speaker 3: This is the foundation of shame that then his life 165 00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:57,160 Speaker 3: is built upon. Based on that identity that he's built 166 00:07:57,201 --> 00:08:01,840 Speaker 3: his life on, that foundation of shame is the unprocessed 167 00:08:02,001 --> 00:08:04,681 Speaker 3: trauma of that little boy who feels at his core 168 00:08:04,681 --> 00:08:06,961 Speaker 3: there's something wrong with me and who I am is 169 00:08:07,001 --> 00:08:10,521 Speaker 3: not okay, and that trapped energy of the wounded boy, 170 00:08:10,801 --> 00:08:13,281 Speaker 3: or that trauma in the body. As I shared before, 171 00:08:13,481 --> 00:08:16,841 Speaker 3: like love and connection and having our needs met as 172 00:08:16,881 --> 00:08:20,121 Speaker 3: our survival and as a child. If you don't have 173 00:08:20,201 --> 00:08:24,361 Speaker 3: those basic needs, those dependency needs met in childhood, the 174 00:08:24,401 --> 00:08:28,121 Speaker 3: other option is you die. Right because we as humans 175 00:08:28,121 --> 00:08:31,241 Speaker 3: were dependent, we don't have caregivers to look after us 176 00:08:31,321 --> 00:08:33,721 Speaker 3: and feed us and take care of us. We will 177 00:08:33,761 --> 00:08:39,561 Speaker 3: die to a little boy who experiences inconsistent or disconnected 178 00:08:39,601 --> 00:08:41,721 Speaker 3: love from his parents based on what's going on. And 179 00:08:41,761 --> 00:08:44,121 Speaker 3: it could be as simple as your mom might not 180 00:08:44,161 --> 00:08:47,841 Speaker 3: be solely connected to herself and she can't fully reflect 181 00:08:47,881 --> 00:08:50,121 Speaker 3: back to you that all of you is welcome and okay, 182 00:08:50,481 --> 00:08:53,041 Speaker 3: and in that moment, that little boy is shame based. 183 00:08:53,561 --> 00:08:57,241 Speaker 3: There's something wrong with me, something broken with me. You know, 184 00:08:57,281 --> 00:08:59,481 Speaker 3: this is very much my journey, my story, right, this 185 00:08:59,641 --> 00:09:01,441 Speaker 3: was me and this is what I call the mother wound. 186 00:09:02,201 --> 00:09:05,201 Speaker 3: I'm really given the back context of like how this 187 00:09:05,241 --> 00:09:08,601 Speaker 3: then shows up in relationships. But the deepest core wound 188 00:09:08,641 --> 00:09:11,361 Speaker 3: that men experience is the mother wound. And it's not 189 00:09:11,401 --> 00:09:15,921 Speaker 3: necessarily the actual mother, but it's the energy of the mother. 190 00:09:15,961 --> 00:09:20,121 Speaker 3: It's motherly energy. So the nurturing, the soft touch, the 191 00:09:20,161 --> 00:09:22,561 Speaker 3: reflection back to him that all of him is welcome, 192 00:09:22,601 --> 00:09:25,601 Speaker 3: and okay, the quality of touch that he received from 193 00:09:25,641 --> 00:09:29,321 Speaker 3: his mother or his dad as well, it's the motherly energy. 194 00:09:29,681 --> 00:09:31,521 Speaker 3: So when he doesn't receive this, he's then stuck in 195 00:09:31,521 --> 00:09:34,521 Speaker 3: a state of survival. When we're in survival, we do 196 00:09:34,641 --> 00:09:36,481 Speaker 3: everything in our power to get out of cvival, right, 197 00:09:36,561 --> 00:09:38,681 Speaker 3: so we be and become whoever we need to be 198 00:09:38,801 --> 00:09:40,121 Speaker 3: in order to get our needs. 199 00:09:40,161 --> 00:09:41,321 Speaker 1: Mate, Like so much sense. 200 00:09:41,441 --> 00:09:45,281 Speaker 3: Yeah, So now this little boy from the absolute beginning 201 00:09:45,721 --> 00:09:49,441 Speaker 3: is shape shifting and becoming the chameleon to be and 202 00:09:49,481 --> 00:09:52,001 Speaker 3: become whoever he needs to be to either win approval 203 00:09:52,001 --> 00:09:57,001 Speaker 3: from his dad or to receive consistent love, and that 204 00:09:57,241 --> 00:09:59,081 Speaker 3: to have reflected back to him that all of him 205 00:09:59,121 --> 00:10:04,001 Speaker 3: is welcome and okay. So when this little boy is 206 00:10:04,321 --> 00:10:07,321 Speaker 3: stuck in this date of survival, he no longer has 207 00:10:07,361 --> 00:10:10,881 Speaker 3: the safety in his environment and in his nervous system 208 00:10:11,201 --> 00:10:14,921 Speaker 3: to be in tune with his own internal experience growing up. 209 00:10:15,601 --> 00:10:19,561 Speaker 3: He stops receiving the gifts and the strengths that he's 210 00:10:19,641 --> 00:10:23,321 Speaker 3: supposed to receive in each stage of development. So basically 211 00:10:23,321 --> 00:10:26,321 Speaker 3: he loses his childhood. He loses what he's supposed to 212 00:10:26,401 --> 00:10:30,561 Speaker 3: receive in every stage of development. So for example, in infancy, 213 00:10:31,081 --> 00:10:33,521 Speaker 3: when we don't have our call dependency needs met, we 214 00:10:33,641 --> 00:10:38,041 Speaker 3: become dependent in relationship or overly independent in relationship, so 215 00:10:38,201 --> 00:10:43,921 Speaker 3: anxious or avoidant attachment. Right when that attachment system is activated, right, 216 00:10:43,961 --> 00:10:46,881 Speaker 3: that's where the little boy comes out in relationship. And 217 00:10:46,961 --> 00:10:49,801 Speaker 3: now he's in survival. And when he's in survival, he 218 00:10:49,841 --> 00:10:52,521 Speaker 3: bees and becomes whoever he needs to be in order 219 00:10:52,561 --> 00:10:56,241 Speaker 3: to keep his partner happy. So she stays and loves him, 220 00:10:56,321 --> 00:10:59,961 Speaker 3: so he becomes the nice guy. The people pleas are yes, yeah, 221 00:11:00,081 --> 00:11:02,721 Speaker 3: or he disconnects because it's too painful, and he actually 222 00:11:02,761 --> 00:11:05,961 Speaker 3: shuts off and just closes off and moves away. Right, 223 00:11:06,001 --> 00:11:09,081 Speaker 3: So then this is how those toxic masculine traits start 224 00:11:09,401 --> 00:11:13,641 Speaker 3: showing up in relationships. But it's the energy this little boy, Like, 225 00:11:13,721 --> 00:11:16,801 Speaker 3: at the core of a man, we just want to provide, 226 00:11:17,001 --> 00:11:19,881 Speaker 3: and we want the absolute best for the people that 227 00:11:19,921 --> 00:11:22,441 Speaker 3: we love most, Like we just want to give them everything. 228 00:11:23,201 --> 00:11:25,361 Speaker 3: Like every man I've ever speak to, like at his core, 229 00:11:25,441 --> 00:11:28,281 Speaker 3: that is what he wants to do is serve and provide. 230 00:11:28,841 --> 00:11:32,361 Speaker 3: Survival is more important than that. So when that little 231 00:11:32,361 --> 00:11:35,001 Speaker 3: boy is activated, that's when he starts hurting the people 232 00:11:35,001 --> 00:11:38,241 Speaker 3: that he loves. And even though he's trying his absolute 233 00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:41,281 Speaker 3: best to provide and be the best man possible, he's 234 00:11:41,361 --> 00:11:44,121 Speaker 3: unconscious to how his wounds are actually pushing people away 235 00:11:44,481 --> 00:11:46,961 Speaker 3: or how his wounds are actually hurting other people, the 236 00:11:46,961 --> 00:11:50,321 Speaker 3: people he loves most. And I normally say, like, the 237 00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,321 Speaker 3: reason why the wounded in a boy comes out in 238 00:11:52,361 --> 00:11:55,961 Speaker 3: relationships is because it's the safe space where he's finally 239 00:11:56,001 --> 00:11:59,201 Speaker 3: having it reflected back to him of a love that's 240 00:11:59,281 --> 00:12:03,281 Speaker 3: so meaningful to him, right, that reflects his parents and 241 00:12:03,321 --> 00:12:06,201 Speaker 3: as a representation of the love he received from his parents. 242 00:12:06,721 --> 00:12:10,481 Speaker 2: Yeah, So if someone's listening and they're like, oh my gosh, 243 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,161 Speaker 2: I can so see this in my partner, but it's 244 00:12:13,201 --> 00:12:16,481 Speaker 2: really hard to hold when they become anxious. First of all, 245 00:12:16,521 --> 00:12:18,081 Speaker 2: do you want to give a little breakdown on anxious 246 00:12:18,081 --> 00:12:20,641 Speaker 2: attachment and avoid an attachment? Then that will further answer 247 00:12:20,681 --> 00:12:23,721 Speaker 2: my question of like, how do they help support that 248 00:12:23,761 --> 00:12:26,681 Speaker 2: little boy or encourage their husband to support their own 249 00:12:26,681 --> 00:12:27,121 Speaker 2: little boy? 250 00:12:27,361 --> 00:12:30,561 Speaker 3: Yeah? Great question. So the anxious is think of anxious 251 00:12:30,681 --> 00:12:33,601 Speaker 3: as can't remember which book I got this from, but 252 00:12:33,601 --> 00:12:35,201 Speaker 3: I saw these two pictures. I was like, that is 253 00:12:35,241 --> 00:12:38,441 Speaker 3: a perfect example of this. Anxious is like the octopus. 254 00:12:39,321 --> 00:12:44,241 Speaker 3: So when the anxious is activated in a man or 255 00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:47,321 Speaker 3: even a woman, yes, is the tentacles start reaching out, 256 00:12:47,361 --> 00:12:50,241 Speaker 3: They start trying to grab anything and everything. Yes, anything 257 00:12:50,281 --> 00:12:54,561 Speaker 3: and everything. The anxious attachment is very much the sitting 258 00:12:54,561 --> 00:12:59,441 Speaker 3: by your phone checking it five times every thirty seconds 259 00:12:59,481 --> 00:13:02,241 Speaker 3: to see if your partner replied or responded, or the 260 00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:04,721 Speaker 3: constant rumination of like, what are they doing? You know 261 00:13:04,801 --> 00:13:08,601 Speaker 3: what's happening in reassurance all the time? Yep? Yeah. And 262 00:13:08,641 --> 00:13:10,361 Speaker 3: at the root of that is the fear of abandonment, 263 00:13:11,001 --> 00:13:13,121 Speaker 3: fear of this person's going to leave me, right, so 264 00:13:13,201 --> 00:13:15,721 Speaker 3: I must be become whoever I need to be in 265 00:13:15,801 --> 00:13:18,361 Speaker 3: order for them to stay. I need to keep getting 266 00:13:18,401 --> 00:13:20,681 Speaker 3: touch points. I need constant reassurance that you're not going 267 00:13:20,761 --> 00:13:23,641 Speaker 3: to leave me, that I'm okay, I'm all good. And 268 00:13:23,681 --> 00:13:26,281 Speaker 3: the biggest issue is when a man doesn't have that 269 00:13:26,401 --> 00:13:30,201 Speaker 3: ability to self soothe and regulate his emotions because he 270 00:13:30,241 --> 00:13:34,041 Speaker 3: didn't receive that strength in development. Now he's in a 271 00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,841 Speaker 3: state of activation and he doesn't know what to do. Yeah, 272 00:13:36,881 --> 00:13:39,161 Speaker 3: so he then distracts. He then just goes, I'm just 273 00:13:39,201 --> 00:13:40,921 Speaker 3: going to train really hard today. 274 00:13:41,441 --> 00:13:43,281 Speaker 1: Successful, yes, right, yeah. 275 00:13:43,121 --> 00:13:46,441 Speaker 3: Yes, and distracts. And when we distract, we actually separate 276 00:13:46,481 --> 00:13:49,081 Speaker 3: ourselves and we become more disconnected over time because we're 277 00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:51,201 Speaker 3: actually moving further away from feeling. 278 00:13:50,881 --> 00:13:51,721 Speaker 1: What needs to be felt. 279 00:13:51,921 --> 00:13:54,921 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the anxious, And then the avoidance is it's 280 00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:56,481 Speaker 3: so painful, I shut down. 281 00:13:56,841 --> 00:13:57,041 Speaker 1: Yeah. 282 00:13:57,121 --> 00:13:59,881 Speaker 3: Yeah. So think of this as like fight or flight response. 283 00:14:00,321 --> 00:14:04,761 Speaker 3: So we've got fight flight, which is pretty much the anxious, 284 00:14:05,121 --> 00:14:07,321 Speaker 3: like fight flight, I'm going to fight to get your 285 00:14:07,321 --> 00:14:11,401 Speaker 3: attention and love and fawn. So feign response is actually 286 00:14:11,441 --> 00:14:14,761 Speaker 3: people pleasing. It's a trauma response, becoming whoever you need 287 00:14:14,801 --> 00:14:16,881 Speaker 3: to be in order to keep them happy so they stay. 288 00:14:17,441 --> 00:14:20,601 Speaker 3: So those are the first three. So we got fight flight, fawn, 289 00:14:20,721 --> 00:14:23,921 Speaker 3: and then we've got freeze right, freeze, and then pretty 290 00:14:24,001 --> 00:14:27,161 Speaker 3: much disconnect and run away, which is avoidant, yeah, which 291 00:14:27,201 --> 00:14:31,761 Speaker 3: is shut down, which is going quiet, stone walling, spending 292 00:14:31,841 --> 00:14:34,921 Speaker 3: less time at home. Imagine like pulling up in the 293 00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:37,561 Speaker 3: driveway and like not wanting to go inside because you're like, oh, 294 00:14:37,681 --> 00:14:40,121 Speaker 3: like I don't know what. It's overwhelming for their nervous 295 00:14:40,121 --> 00:14:42,841 Speaker 3: system pretty much basically, and they get into shut down 296 00:14:42,921 --> 00:14:45,681 Speaker 3: or they need to run away or distance themselves. And 297 00:14:45,721 --> 00:14:48,681 Speaker 3: that's pretty much the strategy that they developed as a 298 00:14:48,761 --> 00:14:51,881 Speaker 3: child to either keep themselves safe or gain love and 299 00:14:51,921 --> 00:14:55,001 Speaker 3: connection in some way. That's how attachments really developed. 300 00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:57,601 Speaker 2: Yeah, those attachment stars I've spoken about before in the podcast. 301 00:14:57,601 --> 00:15:00,161 Speaker 2: It's not just two men, Like I'm definitely more anxious 302 00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,721 Speaker 2: and my partners more an avoidant, which is like the opposite. 303 00:15:02,961 --> 00:15:05,281 Speaker 2: So I'd get more anxious than he'd avoid more. They 304 00:15:05,281 --> 00:15:09,001 Speaker 2: can like separate more and you've got both in a relationship. 305 00:15:09,201 --> 00:15:11,241 Speaker 3: Something that's not spoken about enough with this is that 306 00:15:11,281 --> 00:15:12,441 Speaker 3: it's actually healthy. 307 00:15:12,801 --> 00:15:13,121 Speaker 1: Yeah. 308 00:15:13,241 --> 00:15:20,961 Speaker 3: Yeah, because I'm like, yeah, tell me what. Because opposites attract, true, 309 00:15:21,161 --> 00:15:23,561 Speaker 3: we live in a yes, we live in a world 310 00:15:23,561 --> 00:15:28,241 Speaker 3: of duality. Yes, we live in a world of polarity duality, right, yeah, 311 00:15:28,281 --> 00:15:31,081 Speaker 3: and when we try and live a one sided life 312 00:15:31,081 --> 00:15:33,641 Speaker 3: and in a two sided reality, it's the source of 313 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,841 Speaker 3: all suffering, which is what my mental always shares with me. 314 00:15:36,441 --> 00:15:39,921 Speaker 3: So understanding that like male, female, masculine and feminine, like 315 00:15:40,241 --> 00:15:43,281 Speaker 3: we have opposites to everything and in this sense, that's 316 00:15:43,281 --> 00:15:46,081 Speaker 3: why we're attracted to each other as humans. Yeah. But 317 00:15:46,121 --> 00:15:49,401 Speaker 3: then there's the activated anxious and avoidance, yes yeah, and 318 00:15:49,441 --> 00:15:53,521 Speaker 3: then there's the like the healthy stage where it's communicated 319 00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:55,761 Speaker 3: you know what you need to feel safe, you know 320 00:15:55,801 --> 00:15:58,161 Speaker 3: what you need to come back to connection, yes, yeah, 321 00:15:58,201 --> 00:16:00,161 Speaker 3: and then you know what you need within your relationship 322 00:16:00,201 --> 00:16:02,201 Speaker 3: for there to be a greater level of devotion and 323 00:16:02,401 --> 00:16:04,201 Speaker 3: vision towards what you're creating together. 324 00:16:04,361 --> 00:16:06,761 Speaker 2: It is really when you can have those conversations because 325 00:16:06,761 --> 00:16:08,761 Speaker 2: like we've been to get the sixteen years now, but 326 00:16:08,921 --> 00:16:11,161 Speaker 2: the start, which was just no understanding around it was 327 00:16:11,161 --> 00:16:12,961 Speaker 2: like anxious avoidant, It was. 328 00:16:12,961 --> 00:16:13,801 Speaker 1: Just caused a lot. 329 00:16:13,841 --> 00:16:16,121 Speaker 2: But now it's like when you understand that person, you 330 00:16:16,121 --> 00:16:18,761 Speaker 2: can actually support where they're at and know what they 331 00:16:18,801 --> 00:16:21,281 Speaker 2: need to feel safe. And then over time like now 332 00:16:21,321 --> 00:16:23,721 Speaker 2: I'm just I'm so secure with him, I wouldn't even 333 00:16:23,761 --> 00:16:27,721 Speaker 2: describe myself as anxious with him. Maybe more friendships, but yeah, 334 00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:30,401 Speaker 2: it's really cool to understand those. So if I'm a 335 00:16:30,441 --> 00:16:34,001 Speaker 2: woman listening and I'm like, wow, my husband is so avoidant, 336 00:16:34,321 --> 00:16:35,281 Speaker 2: I understand all of this. 337 00:16:35,401 --> 00:16:38,881 Speaker 1: Now what do I do? Ryan? Help me? What advice 338 00:16:38,881 --> 00:16:39,441 Speaker 1: would you give? 339 00:16:40,641 --> 00:16:42,321 Speaker 3: The thing is with men, men need to do it 340 00:16:42,361 --> 00:16:44,961 Speaker 3: from a place of empowerment. That's the thing. 341 00:16:45,001 --> 00:16:46,681 Speaker 1: Good point criticism. 342 00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:50,121 Speaker 3: Yes, So typically when a woman pushes for a man to, hey, 343 00:16:50,201 --> 00:16:52,201 Speaker 3: do this work, Hey, listen to this podcast, Hey read 344 00:16:52,201 --> 00:16:55,081 Speaker 3: this book, his feeling is out the door. Yeah. Run, 345 00:16:55,121 --> 00:16:57,841 Speaker 3: you're playing the role of his mother again. Yes, true, 346 00:16:58,401 --> 00:17:01,041 Speaker 3: And with that that's the biggest tone for him, and 347 00:17:01,081 --> 00:17:03,761 Speaker 3: he's going to move even further away. But the greatest 348 00:17:03,841 --> 00:17:07,481 Speaker 3: invitation of woman can bring to the table to invite 349 00:17:07,481 --> 00:17:10,360 Speaker 3: a man into doing the work is by her going 350 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:14,601 Speaker 3: first leading. Yes, hold the torch, yeesh. The beautiful part 351 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:19,440 Speaker 3: about the feminine is a feminine woman will constantly, through 352 00:17:19,521 --> 00:17:23,680 Speaker 3: her self expression, trigger a man into doing the work. 353 00:17:24,441 --> 00:17:27,920 Speaker 3: And those triggers, over time are the subtle invitations for 354 00:17:28,041 --> 00:17:31,360 Speaker 3: him to lean in and face his deepest wounds. And 355 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 3: the unfortunate truth is most men wait until the feather 356 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,881 Speaker 3: brick in the truck, right all, there's like a thousand 357 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:42,801 Speaker 3: invitations for him to step up, to lead, to look 358 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,360 Speaker 3: within and handle his past wounds that are showing up 359 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:49,001 Speaker 3: in the relationship. Typically it's when it's painful enough. 360 00:17:49,441 --> 00:17:51,121 Speaker 1: So when there's a breakdown of the marriage. 361 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:54,480 Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think there's any one reason, but I 362 00:17:54,521 --> 00:17:57,801 Speaker 3: think that men are really good at especially men that 363 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:01,721 Speaker 3: are very much in their head. They're very good at justifying, 364 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:07,801 Speaker 3: and they're analytical thinking and like logically trying to solve problems. 365 00:18:08,481 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 3: What we're doing then is we're actually even creating more 366 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,360 Speaker 3: disconnect because we're in our head more than being in 367 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:13,840 Speaker 3: the body. 368 00:18:14,001 --> 00:18:14,321 Speaker 1: Yeah. 369 00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:17,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, And when we look at the mind, it's the 370 00:18:17,281 --> 00:18:21,160 Speaker 3: conscious mind is only five percent. So yeah, yeah, So 371 00:18:21,241 --> 00:18:23,801 Speaker 3: real transformation happens when we go with into the body 372 00:18:24,241 --> 00:18:26,160 Speaker 3: and start processing a lot of the wounds that are 373 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,720 Speaker 3: in the body. So a woman going first being the 374 00:18:28,761 --> 00:18:33,801 Speaker 3: imitation through her self expression, through her just just being 375 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,681 Speaker 3: her most empowered self, that's beautiful. Yeah. 376 00:18:36,921 --> 00:18:38,840 Speaker 2: I do feel like that's quite a common thing. Like, 377 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,641 Speaker 2: if I think of my journey, Steve has definitely led 378 00:18:41,681 --> 00:18:43,281 Speaker 2: me in a lot of things, but I've definitely led 379 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 2: him and say with a lot of my girlfriends, and 380 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,880 Speaker 2: normally the first one to start the self development, do 381 00:18:46,921 --> 00:18:49,080 Speaker 2: the courses, listen to the podcast, and then the man 382 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:50,081 Speaker 2: starts to curious. 383 00:18:50,321 --> 00:18:51,481 Speaker 1: But as soon as you start to create. 384 00:18:51,561 --> 00:18:53,801 Speaker 2: I know for Steve, if I ever criticize him, it's like, well, 385 00:18:53,961 --> 00:18:56,080 Speaker 2: wall up, it just doesn't work, yeap. 386 00:18:56,281 --> 00:19:00,440 Speaker 3: The gift of the feminine for a man is she'll 387 00:19:00,481 --> 00:19:04,281 Speaker 3: constantly invite him into his heart. Yeah, constant imitations for 388 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:05,961 Speaker 3: him to get out of his head into his heart. 389 00:19:06,041 --> 00:19:09,680 Speaker 3: Woman wants to feel that this man is connected to 390 00:19:09,721 --> 00:19:11,680 Speaker 3: his heart. So beautiful esphere she feels safe. 391 00:19:11,921 --> 00:19:12,201 Speaker 1: Yeah. 392 00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:15,960 Speaker 3: Yeah, So the feminine provokes for a man to be 393 00:19:16,001 --> 00:19:19,481 Speaker 3: connected to his heart, and a man provokes the feminine 394 00:19:19,521 --> 00:19:22,281 Speaker 3: to be connected to her body and in her body 395 00:19:22,281 --> 00:19:23,440 Speaker 3: and grounded in her body. 396 00:19:23,761 --> 00:19:25,401 Speaker 1: So beautiful. 397 00:19:25,761 --> 00:19:27,640 Speaker 2: I know you've spoken a lot about the little boy 398 00:19:27,681 --> 00:19:29,961 Speaker 2: and like infant stage and when we're growing up in 399 00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:32,920 Speaker 2: the first seven years are such an important part of 400 00:19:32,961 --> 00:19:35,801 Speaker 2: our life where we get all our beliefs. When I 401 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,481 Speaker 2: was speaking to my husband about this recently, we're talking 402 00:19:38,521 --> 00:19:41,360 Speaker 2: about past traumas, he said, he feels like more of 403 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,281 Speaker 2: his traumas have come from his twenties and the mistakes 404 00:19:45,281 --> 00:19:48,160 Speaker 2: he's made in his adult life rather than when he 405 00:19:48,241 --> 00:19:48,801 Speaker 2: was a child. 406 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,400 Speaker 1: I think it can be both. 407 00:19:50,761 --> 00:19:53,481 Speaker 2: Do you think that is him avoiding and like maybe 408 00:19:53,481 --> 00:19:55,801 Speaker 2: not wanting to visit his childhood or do you think 409 00:19:55,801 --> 00:19:57,881 Speaker 2: that can be true that more traumas can come from 410 00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:58,880 Speaker 2: adult life as well. 411 00:19:59,321 --> 00:20:01,160 Speaker 3: Yeah, what I know to be true is that we 412 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:04,240 Speaker 3: don't know what we don't know, and we'll do our 413 00:20:04,321 --> 00:20:06,720 Speaker 3: best with the information that we have. Yes, right, So 414 00:20:06,761 --> 00:20:09,001 Speaker 3: if that's the information that we have, that's cool. That's 415 00:20:09,001 --> 00:20:12,360 Speaker 3: all I've got. Now there's the two different types of trauma. 416 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,160 Speaker 3: There's big T trauma, there's little tea trauma. Now, the 417 00:20:15,241 --> 00:20:17,360 Speaker 3: issue with this, With big T trauma, it's like there's 418 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:20,080 Speaker 3: a big, very evident event that happened that I can 419 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,720 Speaker 3: point my finger out all the details. It was that 420 00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:25,361 Speaker 3: when I was twenty. That's why I am this way, yes, right. 421 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,561 Speaker 3: But then small TA trauma, which is what I work with, 422 00:20:27,761 --> 00:20:31,001 Speaker 3: it's this micro, subtle trauma that happens over a long 423 00:20:31,041 --> 00:20:33,761 Speaker 3: period of time that you can't put your finger on. 424 00:20:34,521 --> 00:20:39,321 Speaker 3: And typically it's emotional abuse that you experience in childhood, 425 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,761 Speaker 3: and emotional abuse can actually just be Your parents were 426 00:20:42,801 --> 00:20:45,480 Speaker 3: disconnected from themselves emotionally and couldn't love you in the 427 00:20:45,481 --> 00:20:48,201 Speaker 3: way that you needed. Yes, that's emotional abuse. You didn't 428 00:20:48,201 --> 00:20:51,761 Speaker 3: get the needs. Abuse can be so subtle. The issue 429 00:20:51,761 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 3: with this is when we confuse love with the trauma 430 00:20:54,001 --> 00:20:56,281 Speaker 3: and the wounding that we experience growing up. So the 431 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:59,521 Speaker 3: love that we receive growing up, that's our representation and 432 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,921 Speaker 3: paradigm of love. Oh, that's the big issue. We don't 433 00:21:02,961 --> 00:21:03,720 Speaker 3: know any different. 434 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,561 Speaker 1: So that's what that kind of say. I don't focus, 435 00:21:05,561 --> 00:21:06,281 Speaker 1: I don't know any different. 436 00:21:06,321 --> 00:21:08,561 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what I saw mom and dad do. Like, 437 00:21:08,921 --> 00:21:13,521 Speaker 3: this is my representation and worldview of masculine and feminine energy. 438 00:21:13,681 --> 00:21:15,840 Speaker 3: I used to work with masculine and feminine energy. That 439 00:21:15,961 --> 00:21:18,481 Speaker 3: was like my work, right, Yeah, and then I got 440 00:21:18,481 --> 00:21:22,120 Speaker 3: over it because I was like, no real shift happens 441 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,361 Speaker 3: in someone when you start integrating more of the masculine 442 00:21:25,521 --> 00:21:28,321 Speaker 3: archetypes or traits or the feminine. 443 00:21:28,281 --> 00:21:29,761 Speaker 1: It's the trauma you want to get too. 444 00:21:30,001 --> 00:21:35,321 Speaker 3: Yes, because at our core, we are naturally balanced within 445 00:21:35,561 --> 00:21:40,281 Speaker 3: our core energies. Right, So when a man has his needs, man, 446 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:44,001 Speaker 3: he gains those strengths. So these developmental strengths he builds 447 00:21:44,001 --> 00:21:47,761 Speaker 3: a healthy relationship with his emotions, which is his feminine energy, right, 448 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:49,721 Speaker 3: and then he has the ability to lead and make 449 00:21:49,761 --> 00:21:51,761 Speaker 3: decisions and be in his own frame of energy, which 450 00:21:51,801 --> 00:21:54,521 Speaker 3: is his masculine right. So in our core, we're naturally 451 00:21:54,561 --> 00:21:57,640 Speaker 3: balanced and the energy is already. So going back and 452 00:21:57,681 --> 00:22:00,480 Speaker 3: healing that little boy that didn't feel safe enough to 453 00:22:00,521 --> 00:22:02,920 Speaker 3: feel or express his emotions because maybe they would have 454 00:22:02,921 --> 00:22:06,400 Speaker 3: been dismissed, right, or may be he didn't actually even 455 00:22:06,441 --> 00:22:09,161 Speaker 3: have a representation or role model of what it meant 456 00:22:09,201 --> 00:22:13,280 Speaker 3: to feel and process your emotions. He becomes disconnected from 457 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:16,281 Speaker 3: his feminine energy. That's a mother wound. Yes, this is 458 00:22:16,281 --> 00:22:18,400 Speaker 3: the mother wound and I'm speaking of the mother wound 459 00:22:18,481 --> 00:22:21,521 Speaker 3: is the feminine energy that we experienced growing up and 460 00:22:21,561 --> 00:22:24,120 Speaker 3: the disconnect we have with it. So that's how we 461 00:22:24,201 --> 00:22:26,561 Speaker 3: can Yeah, it really starts showing up in the masculine 462 00:22:26,561 --> 00:22:29,400 Speaker 3: and feminine dynamic. To bring it back to your question 463 00:22:29,721 --> 00:22:31,921 Speaker 3: about your partner and. 464 00:22:32,001 --> 00:22:35,161 Speaker 2: The micro emoment, Yes, yeah, I use an example last 465 00:22:35,201 --> 00:22:36,920 Speaker 2: night because we're actually talking about last night. 466 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:37,961 Speaker 1: Our little girl was. 467 00:22:37,921 --> 00:22:40,041 Speaker 2: Sick and normally we pop her on a cot and 468 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,561 Speaker 2: we're like no no, She's like no, I love you 469 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:43,321 Speaker 2: and close the door and she goes to bed. And 470 00:22:43,441 --> 00:22:46,041 Speaker 2: last night she was like needing cuddles from me, and 471 00:22:46,041 --> 00:22:47,241 Speaker 2: then Steve woud leave the room. 472 00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:48,201 Speaker 1: She'd be like, daddy cuddles. 473 00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:50,321 Speaker 2: It went on for about fifteen minutes and singing, and 474 00:22:50,321 --> 00:22:53,481 Speaker 2: she needed this whole thing. And afterwards I was saying 475 00:22:53,481 --> 00:22:55,720 Speaker 2: to Steve, I was like, it's really nice that we 476 00:22:55,761 --> 00:22:59,761 Speaker 2: can be her pain, relief, her safety, her love, her everything. 477 00:22:59,761 --> 00:23:01,641 Speaker 2: And even though that was at the end of the day, 478 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,441 Speaker 2: I was tired. I didn't feel like I had much 479 00:23:03,521 --> 00:23:06,081 Speaker 2: left in me for her. But I was like, if 480 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,001 Speaker 2: we didn't, if we just popped in a cot and 481 00:23:08,041 --> 00:23:09,840 Speaker 2: then walked out and like let her cry to sleep, 482 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,481 Speaker 2: that's a micro trauma. I was like, Oh, when I'm 483 00:23:12,481 --> 00:23:14,640 Speaker 2: at my worst, mom and dad can't show it for me, 484 00:23:14,721 --> 00:23:18,160 Speaker 2: when I cry, when I'm sick, when I'm whatever. I 485 00:23:18,201 --> 00:23:20,321 Speaker 2: want her to know that we're alwaysy no matter what 486 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,321 Speaker 2: I think. If you miss those micro moments in your 487 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,720 Speaker 2: adult life, it shows up. Is that a good example, 488 00:23:25,761 --> 00:23:26,561 Speaker 2: because that's how I felt. 489 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:30,440 Speaker 3: Yep, yeah, absolutely, yeah. And is that something that you 490 00:23:30,521 --> 00:23:31,401 Speaker 3: experienced as a girl. 491 00:23:32,441 --> 00:23:34,721 Speaker 1: So many miss moments from my parents, so many. 492 00:23:34,921 --> 00:23:39,041 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a beautiful example of a core wound that 493 00:23:39,041 --> 00:23:43,201 Speaker 3: you experienced in childhood. And one of the biggest issues 494 00:23:43,241 --> 00:23:46,201 Speaker 3: where the wounded in a child plays out. And I'm 495 00:23:46,201 --> 00:23:49,080 Speaker 3: not a parent, but I work with so many fathers, 496 00:23:49,441 --> 00:23:51,920 Speaker 3: so many fathers, and it's got nothing to do with 497 00:23:51,961 --> 00:23:54,961 Speaker 3: actually parenting, and everything to do with you parenting. You're 498 00:23:55,001 --> 00:23:57,760 Speaker 3: in a girl or in a boy, yeah, yeah, yeah. 499 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,600 Speaker 3: The biggest issue where the wounded in a child comes 500 00:24:00,681 --> 00:24:04,721 Speaker 3: out is how you parent your children. And typically it's 501 00:24:04,761 --> 00:24:07,281 Speaker 3: from place of I'm going to give you everything that 502 00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:11,561 Speaker 3: I never had, Yeah, and in doing so, you're robbing 503 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:15,761 Speaker 3: that child from their independence. Yeah. Or this is how 504 00:24:15,801 --> 00:24:17,680 Speaker 3: I was treated because this is what's familiar to me, 505 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,400 Speaker 3: and this is how you should also be treated. Or 506 00:24:21,521 --> 00:24:24,240 Speaker 3: one thing was and this is what I experienced was 507 00:24:24,801 --> 00:24:26,520 Speaker 3: my dad. He was like, well, I didn't have this 508 00:24:26,561 --> 00:24:28,281 Speaker 3: as a kid, so why should you have it? 509 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,640 Speaker 1: Yeah? I turned out all right, so you'll be fine. Yeah. 510 00:24:30,681 --> 00:24:32,680 Speaker 3: So that's a little boy in him like this, Like, 511 00:24:33,041 --> 00:24:34,960 Speaker 3: how come he gets to have it? I didn't have it? 512 00:24:35,481 --> 00:24:38,640 Speaker 3: So parenting from the wounded in a child, right, and 513 00:24:38,681 --> 00:24:40,801 Speaker 3: when we're unconscious to it, like we don't know the 514 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:45,080 Speaker 3: difference between anything because we aren't aware of it. Yeah yeah, 515 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,720 Speaker 3: So what I would say, like about your partner is 516 00:24:48,281 --> 00:24:51,881 Speaker 3: all roads lead to childhood, and typically what we experience 517 00:24:51,921 --> 00:24:56,080 Speaker 3: in our early adulthood is actually based on the foundation 518 00:24:56,201 --> 00:24:59,400 Speaker 3: of that shame that's already there, and then our life 519 00:24:59,441 --> 00:25:02,360 Speaker 3: is then built upon and then the only conscious memory 520 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,921 Speaker 3: we have is this. But the absolutely bottom of it, 521 00:25:06,201 --> 00:25:10,160 Speaker 3: the foundation of what led everything to that moment is 522 00:25:10,481 --> 00:25:13,200 Speaker 3: the wounded in a boy or the unmet emotional needs. 523 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:16,881 Speaker 3: No one escaped childhood without nights, no one. 524 00:25:17,041 --> 00:25:17,360 Speaker 1: Yeah. 525 00:25:17,441 --> 00:25:17,761 Speaker 3: Yeah. 526 00:25:17,801 --> 00:25:19,880 Speaker 2: So you work a lot with men, what would you 527 00:25:19,921 --> 00:25:23,041 Speaker 2: say is the main thing that they come to you for? 528 00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:24,600 Speaker 2: It might not be what they actually need help for, 529 00:25:24,681 --> 00:25:26,200 Speaker 2: but when they come to your book in a session, 530 00:25:26,561 --> 00:25:28,441 Speaker 2: what would you say is the main thing that men 531 00:25:28,561 --> 00:25:30,200 Speaker 2: in our society is struggling with? 532 00:25:30,321 --> 00:25:33,400 Speaker 3: Right now, my partner's going to leave me if I don't, 533 00:25:33,521 --> 00:25:34,880 Speaker 3: really I don't do this work. 534 00:25:35,041 --> 00:25:36,041 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah. 535 00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:37,920 Speaker 2: The men that come to you at their final stage 536 00:25:37,921 --> 00:25:40,041 Speaker 2: of like, I actually have no choice otherwise I'm going 537 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:40,521 Speaker 2: to lose. 538 00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:42,121 Speaker 1: My wife or my partner. Yeah. 539 00:25:42,241 --> 00:25:46,121 Speaker 3: Interesting, Okay, until it's painful enough. Men typically that's when 540 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,920 Speaker 3: they'll get off the nail. It's painful enough, get off 541 00:25:48,961 --> 00:25:49,360 Speaker 3: the nails. 542 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:50,160 Speaker 1: Yeah. 543 00:25:50,201 --> 00:25:54,801 Speaker 3: So what I've experienced in the men's coaching space is 544 00:25:55,001 --> 00:25:57,840 Speaker 3: or in the men's personal development world, And if you 545 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,120 Speaker 3: have been in it, if you're a men's coach or anything, 546 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,321 Speaker 3: you know that it's hard to get men to events. 547 00:26:02,321 --> 00:26:03,840 Speaker 3: It's hard to get men into the work. 548 00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:07,721 Speaker 1: Not as easy as women. No, we're like freely like whowday. Yes. 549 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,681 Speaker 3: Yeah. One thing with that with my work was I 550 00:26:11,761 --> 00:26:14,681 Speaker 3: realized I was like, no, men do do the work, 551 00:26:14,721 --> 00:26:16,640 Speaker 3: because I've been to events where there's two hundred men 552 00:26:16,721 --> 00:26:20,160 Speaker 3: sitting there eagerly learning, like it's possible. I know it. 553 00:26:20,721 --> 00:26:23,080 Speaker 3: What creates this shift, what creates the shift from a 554 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,400 Speaker 3: man just opening his mind a little bit more to 555 00:26:25,441 --> 00:26:28,321 Speaker 3: the work. I look back on my journey and every 556 00:26:28,321 --> 00:26:31,241 Speaker 3: single time it's been a relationship breakup or breakdown that's 557 00:26:31,281 --> 00:26:33,880 Speaker 3: invited me into the work. So it's like, Okay, well 558 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,960 Speaker 3: that's who I'm going to speak to ye. And as 559 00:26:35,961 --> 00:26:38,920 Speaker 3: soon as I started speaking to that, I had thousands 560 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:42,240 Speaker 3: of men coming to me, thousands. What brings them to 561 00:26:42,681 --> 00:26:44,521 Speaker 3: doing this work or opening him is, like I said, 562 00:26:44,681 --> 00:26:47,760 Speaker 3: when it gets painful enough, doesn't have to get to that. 563 00:26:48,201 --> 00:26:51,121 Speaker 3: But yeah, it's typically how it initiates for them. 564 00:26:51,201 --> 00:26:52,200 Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely. 565 00:26:52,441 --> 00:26:55,080 Speaker 2: Even in our experience, which I've spoken about openly, the 566 00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:58,321 Speaker 2: hard times that we've had in our marriage and relationship, 567 00:26:58,801 --> 00:27:01,801 Speaker 2: that has created the biggest change as hard as like 568 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:05,880 Speaker 2: being in conflict or disagreeing or just not feeling super 569 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:09,200 Speaker 2: connected on the other side of a breakdown, as a breakthrough, 570 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:12,481 Speaker 2: it's a really cool mindset to have. Yeah, Normally, through 571 00:27:12,481 --> 00:27:15,080 Speaker 2: the hardest, most painful moments, the biggest light comes through. 572 00:27:15,681 --> 00:27:19,321 Speaker 3: Yeah, the hardest moments that you've experienced is recognized. Like 573 00:27:19,321 --> 00:27:24,640 Speaker 3: a breakdown brings a breakthrough. Is when a man leads 574 00:27:24,681 --> 00:27:28,561 Speaker 3: the breakthrough, that's really where he gains this sense of 575 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:30,440 Speaker 3: like leadership and power in the relationship. 576 00:27:30,521 --> 00:27:32,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, i'd be so empowering for a man. 577 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:35,640 Speaker 3: Yes, the greatest sense of providing is being able to 578 00:27:35,681 --> 00:27:38,961 Speaker 3: provide emotionally for your partner. So when a man can 579 00:27:39,001 --> 00:27:41,960 Speaker 3: provide that emotional security and safety for a woman to 580 00:27:42,001 --> 00:27:44,760 Speaker 3: be at a heart being a feminine, it's the most 581 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,200 Speaker 3: everything and everything. Yeah, Yeah, it's everything. 582 00:27:47,961 --> 00:27:51,840 Speaker 2: Especially in today's society. A lot of I can speak 583 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,440 Speaker 2: on behalf of myself too, but a lot of my 584 00:27:53,441 --> 00:27:55,840 Speaker 2: friends as well. We actually, yes, we like to be 585 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:58,760 Speaker 2: financially provided for, we actually don't need it anymore, Like 586 00:27:58,801 --> 00:28:01,160 Speaker 2: we are more than capable of earning our own money. 587 00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:03,921 Speaker 2: But the emotional safety, like we yearn for, like it 588 00:28:03,961 --> 00:28:06,401 Speaker 2: is everything. It is literally everything. 589 00:28:06,561 --> 00:28:10,321 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's wired yes, into us. Right, So if we 590 00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:10,801 Speaker 3: think of. 591 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:14,841 Speaker 1: Take care of us to me passenger princess. 592 00:28:16,241 --> 00:28:18,321 Speaker 3: And like when you say that, I'm like, oh yeah, 593 00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,281 Speaker 3: like that fires me up and I feel out of 594 00:28:20,281 --> 00:28:22,360 Speaker 3: my gut because I'm like, I want to drive my 595 00:28:22,441 --> 00:28:24,880 Speaker 3: woman around. I want her to be the passenger queen. 596 00:28:24,921 --> 00:28:27,801 Speaker 2: I want her to, you know, not bring her wallet 597 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:29,440 Speaker 2: because she knows that I've got it for her, yeah, 598 00:28:29,561 --> 00:28:31,321 Speaker 2: enough to make decisions because I've already booked it. 599 00:28:31,481 --> 00:28:32,281 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. 600 00:28:32,360 --> 00:28:34,241 Speaker 3: There are a lot of men out there that are 601 00:28:34,761 --> 00:28:37,801 Speaker 3: in their healthy masculine a lot of the time. Yeah, 602 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:41,281 Speaker 3: that's going to be impossible for a woman to receive 603 00:28:41,561 --> 00:28:44,961 Speaker 3: if she has the lenses on of men are unsafe 604 00:28:45,041 --> 00:28:47,201 Speaker 3: based on her experiences. 605 00:28:46,921 --> 00:28:48,081 Speaker 1: Yeah. 606 00:28:48,281 --> 00:28:52,321 Speaker 3: So for me in my previous relationship, I did my 607 00:28:52,601 --> 00:28:56,561 Speaker 3: absolute best to lead, to provide, to serve, like to 608 00:28:56,601 --> 00:29:00,921 Speaker 3: the point where I lost myself in the relationship because 609 00:29:00,961 --> 00:29:04,641 Speaker 3: it was impossible for me to actually lead, provide and 610 00:29:04,681 --> 00:29:07,041 Speaker 3: for her feel safe. It was impossible because she had 611 00:29:07,041 --> 00:29:10,521 Speaker 3: the lenses on of men are unsafe. I can't trust men, 612 00:29:10,601 --> 00:29:13,321 Speaker 3: I can't relax or it's surrender to a man, right, 613 00:29:13,401 --> 00:29:15,881 Speaker 3: and therefore men equals unsafe. 614 00:29:16,121 --> 00:29:16,521 Speaker 1: Yeah. 615 00:29:16,641 --> 00:29:19,081 Speaker 3: Yeah, so it was impossible for me to provide and 616 00:29:19,161 --> 00:29:21,401 Speaker 3: give this woman what she needed. So I think that's 617 00:29:21,441 --> 00:29:23,881 Speaker 3: really important to speak into because I work with a 618 00:29:23,881 --> 00:29:26,281 Speaker 3: lot of men and sometimes I'm like, man, like, you're 619 00:29:26,281 --> 00:29:29,440 Speaker 3: actually doing everything. Yes, there's still things for you to 620 00:29:29,441 --> 00:29:31,281 Speaker 3: work on. There's a lot here, Like we still get 621 00:29:31,321 --> 00:29:34,081 Speaker 3: to help always integrate this little boy, and you really 622 00:29:34,161 --> 00:29:37,281 Speaker 3: step into this whole other level of leadership. But based 623 00:29:37,321 --> 00:29:39,200 Speaker 3: on what you share with me on your relationship, I 624 00:29:39,241 --> 00:29:42,161 Speaker 3: don't think she can actually receive your leadership because of 625 00:29:42,201 --> 00:29:42,841 Speaker 3: her wounds. 626 00:29:43,001 --> 00:29:43,441 Speaker 1: Yeah. 627 00:29:43,481 --> 00:29:45,440 Speaker 3: So with that, it's being really hard for her to 628 00:29:45,521 --> 00:29:49,681 Speaker 3: open and relax and trust and surrender to a man's leadership, 629 00:29:49,721 --> 00:29:51,681 Speaker 3: even if he is in his healthy masculine. 630 00:29:51,681 --> 00:29:54,121 Speaker 2: This work is not linear. It doesn't get to an 631 00:29:54,201 --> 00:29:55,841 Speaker 2: end date. I feel like as soon as I'm like 632 00:29:56,241 --> 00:29:59,321 Speaker 2: healing through something, universe is like there's something. 633 00:29:59,081 --> 00:30:01,121 Speaker 1: Else you're ready to level up. You asked for it. 634 00:30:01,881 --> 00:30:03,881 Speaker 2: But that's why there is incredible coaches out there, like, 635 00:30:03,961 --> 00:30:06,441 Speaker 2: I love the coach on working with now, she's so beautiful. 636 00:30:06,441 --> 00:30:09,321 Speaker 2: I've worked with multi different coaches for different reasons and 637 00:30:09,361 --> 00:30:11,561 Speaker 2: different seasons that I've been in, but that's really beautiful. 638 00:30:11,681 --> 00:30:13,521 Speaker 2: I've absolutely loved everything that you've shared. I feel like 639 00:30:13,561 --> 00:30:15,521 Speaker 2: you could probably continue to talk for another three hours 640 00:30:15,561 --> 00:30:17,921 Speaker 2: on it. But that's what you share on social media. 641 00:30:17,961 --> 00:30:19,161 Speaker 2: This is what you do for a coach. You have 642 00:30:19,241 --> 00:30:21,001 Speaker 2: courses as well, do you have online? 643 00:30:21,241 --> 00:30:25,001 Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm actually releasing my first self paced program for me. 644 00:30:25,241 --> 00:30:25,801 Speaker 1: Yeah. 645 00:30:25,841 --> 00:30:30,201 Speaker 3: It's called Heal the Boy, Awaken the Man, and. 646 00:30:28,881 --> 00:30:30,841 Speaker 2: That's really cool and it's just good different pwending on 647 00:30:30,881 --> 00:30:32,561 Speaker 2: people if they want to work face to face or 648 00:30:32,641 --> 00:30:35,121 Speaker 2: depending on our finances, You've got different options for different people. 649 00:30:35,601 --> 00:30:37,281 Speaker 1: For anyone listening, where did they find you? 650 00:30:37,481 --> 00:30:40,321 Speaker 3: Instagram and Facebook? It just Ryan Moresby White. Yeah, super 651 00:30:40,321 --> 00:30:41,481 Speaker 3: simple and I post a loon. 652 00:30:41,601 --> 00:30:44,081 Speaker 1: You do post a lot, so good love it every time. Popsuf. 653 00:30:44,081 --> 00:30:46,761 Speaker 2: I'm like, yes, like, thank you so much for sharing 654 00:30:46,761 --> 00:30:49,241 Speaker 2: all that wisdom. We have you back on Wednesday, which 655 00:30:49,281 --> 00:30:51,520 Speaker 2: is really cool. So today was all about the wounded 656 00:30:51,561 --> 00:30:54,161 Speaker 2: masculine energy, and on Wednesday we're talking about men's mental 657 00:30:54,161 --> 00:30:56,921 Speaker 2: health in general, which is a very important topic to 658 00:30:56,961 --> 00:30:59,521 Speaker 2: be talking about and I don't think it's spoken about enough. 659 00:31:00,121 --> 00:31:02,161 Speaker 1: So thanks to join of us. We'll see you on Wednesday, 660 00:31:02,321 --> 00:31:02,481 Speaker 1: Bi