WEBVTT - Mojo Monday: How To Stop Emotions and Thoughts from Taking Over With Carly Taylor

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<v Speaker 1>Hi there, It's Carlie Taylor here for this week's Mojoe Monday.

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<v Speaker 1>So today I want to talk about a strategy that

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<v Speaker 1>has been an absolute game changer for me. It's a

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<v Speaker 1>game changer when it comes to handling those moments that

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<v Speaker 1>we all face at some stage. Some of us face

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<v Speaker 1>them more than others. And that is when something triggers

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<v Speaker 1>you and you react instantly without even thinking about it.

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<v Speaker 1>So maybe it's anger that shows up, which is what

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<v Speaker 1>Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic philosopher referred to as the red mist,

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<v Speaker 1>and you snap at someone or say something hurtful. Or

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<v Speaker 1>maybe it's anxiety which shows up, which you know you

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<v Speaker 1>end up spiraling down into a panic. And we're all human,

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<v Speaker 1>so we've all been there. And as I said, some

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<v Speaker 1>people struggle with this more than others, and I can

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<v Speaker 1>definitely relate to that feeling of anxiety. So I just

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<v Speaker 1>this is just an everyday example. So I get anxious

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<v Speaker 1>about running late, and rationally, I know that telling myself

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<v Speaker 1>I shouldn't be feeling like this and it's all going

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<v Speaker 1>to be okay, and I've left enough time, and YadA, YadA, YadA, YadA.

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<v Speaker 1>It doesn't actually just make the anxiety disappear. And this

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<v Speaker 1>is the tricky part to get our head arounds emotions,

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<v Speaker 1>because you can't just delete them. They show up and

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<v Speaker 1>eventually they go away, of course, but they don't just

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<v Speaker 1>vanish when we want them to, which is really unfortunate

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<v Speaker 1>because a lot of these emotions are really unpleasant and

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<v Speaker 1>it would be nice for us to be able to

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<v Speaker 1>get rid of them at will, But it's a bit

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<v Speaker 1>of a deluded strategy because it just doesn't work. And

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<v Speaker 1>often when we struggle with those really hard to handle emotions,

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<v Speaker 1>we end up then doing things that can make the

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<v Speaker 1>situation worse, especially in the long run. But what can

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<v Speaker 1>really help with these emotions and thoughts that show up,

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<v Speaker 1>however strong, is that is this concept that between what

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<v Speaker 1>happens to us, which we'll call a stimulus, and then

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<v Speaker 1>what we do, which is our behavior. Between those two things,

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<v Speaker 1>there is a space. So something happens and then we

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<v Speaker 1>do something, there is a space. And even though this

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<v Speaker 1>sounds really really simple, it can completely change what happens

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<v Speaker 1>next if we are aware of this space and allow

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<v Speaker 1>it to be there. What it can do is influence

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<v Speaker 1>our relationships, our work, our parenting, everything it can influence

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<v Speaker 1>everything and especially the path that we want to be on.

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<v Speaker 1>And what this space does is it holds the key

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<v Speaker 1>to being more mindful and making more intentional choices rather

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<v Speaker 1>than just reacting to our emotions and our thoughts. And

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<v Speaker 1>that way we can use it to really shift everything.

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<v Speaker 1>So in that space, we have the power to choose

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<v Speaker 1>how we respond to whatever happens to us. It doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>matter how challenging it is, it doesn't matter how we feel.

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<v Speaker 1>What we do and how we behave does not have

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<v Speaker 1>to be dictated by that. And that is the difference

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<v Speaker 1>between reacting based on emotion and thought and responding based

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<v Speaker 1>on what is actually really important to us and to others.

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<v Speaker 1>And what this space does is it provides this opportunity

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<v Speaker 1>for growth, for change and even happiness. And if we

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<v Speaker 1>can practice this skill, it has these long term positive implications.

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<v Speaker 1>And of course many of you will be aware and

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<v Speaker 1>I know what your mind is saying right now that

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<v Speaker 1>this is Victor Frankel quote, my favorite quote of all time.

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<v Speaker 1>So Victor Frankle wrote Man's Search for Meaning. He was

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<v Speaker 1>a Holocaust survivor and he created a type of therapy

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<v Speaker 1>called logo therapy, which was based on his experience and

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<v Speaker 1>Frank Hall believed that we all have the ability to

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<v Speaker 1>shape our lives not by the conditions that we find

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<v Speaker 1>ourselves in, but by the decisions we make in the

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<v Speaker 1>response to those conditions. So we can't always control what

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<v Speaker 1>happens to us, but we always always can control and

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<v Speaker 1>have a say about how we respond to it. And

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<v Speaker 1>this is a skill because emotions and thoughts can really

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<v Speaker 1>hook us and we end up doing things that take

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<v Speaker 1>us on a path that we don't want to be on.

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<v Speaker 1>And in the moment it feels like we don't have

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<v Speaker 1>a choice, but we always do, no matter how how

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<v Speaker 1>hard it feels. If you haven't actually heard the quote,

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<v Speaker 1>I shall read it out. I know this one off

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<v Speaker 1>by heart. Write it down because it really is one

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<v Speaker 1>of the most powerful quotes I believe. Ever, between stimulus

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<v Speaker 1>and response, there is a space, and in that space

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<v Speaker 1>is our power to choose our response, and in that

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<v Speaker 1>response lies our growth and freedom. The decisions that we

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<v Speaker 1>make every single day, the decisions based on our circumstances

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<v Speaker 1>or based on how we think and how we feel,

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<v Speaker 1>have a huge influence on our lives. What we do

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<v Speaker 1>in response to those feelings and thoughts that show up

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<v Speaker 1>is what really can shape our reality, and when things

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<v Speaker 1>don't go our way, it's our attitude that will influence

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<v Speaker 1>how things turn out. And using skills taught in acceptance

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<v Speaker 1>commitment therapy, which is very aligned with that Victor frankl quote,

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<v Speaker 1>can learn to accept our thoughts and feelings instead of

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<v Speaker 1>fighting with them, instead of trying to get rid of them,

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<v Speaker 1>and then turn our attention and commit to action that

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<v Speaker 1>aligns with what is important right now in this moment,

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<v Speaker 1>which are our values, and our values become our compass.

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<v Speaker 1>Our values are the things that point us in the

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<v Speaker 1>direction that we want to go in, rather than our

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<v Speaker 1>thoughts and our emotions, because that is what truly matters

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<v Speaker 1>to us. So anxiety or when anxiety or overwhelms show up,

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<v Speaker 1>instead of reacting impulsively or trying to suppress how you're feeling,

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<v Speaker 1>you take a step back, pause and notice what is

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<v Speaker 1>going on, like here's anxiety, or there's anger, or a

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<v Speaker 1>notice frustration. But rather than allowing them to take over

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<v Speaker 1>and have control over us, we can create this space

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<v Speaker 1>so we can then act based on what truly matters

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<v Speaker 1>and what truly matters in the long term. And I

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<v Speaker 1>hear a lot in the moment that it's really easy

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<v Speaker 1>to just completely justify how you're feeling and justify your reactions,

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<v Speaker 1>even though when things calm down, you can look back

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<v Speaker 1>on it and reflect and go, oh, maybe I shouldn't

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<v Speaker 1>have reacted that way, But in the moment, there's a justification.

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<v Speaker 1>And the more you practice this when you're in a

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<v Speaker 1>calmer state of mind. So when things are going well,

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<v Speaker 1>just start to notice your thoughts, notice your feelings, notice

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<v Speaker 1>anything in your physical body that you're feeling, and then respond.

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<v Speaker 1>And by doing this, you're developing this skill to almost

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<v Speaker 1>separate yourself from your emotions and your thoughts. It's called

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<v Speaker 1>cognitive distancing. So you create that space and then you know,

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<v Speaker 1>then you decide how you respond. So I'll give you

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<v Speaker 1>a simple everyday example. The other day, I had booked

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<v Speaker 1>into a yoga class, but I felt really drained. My

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<v Speaker 1>energy was low, and my mind started giving me all

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<v Speaker 1>these excuses as to why I shouldn't go, and there

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<v Speaker 1>was like a complete justification of why I shouldn't go.

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<v Speaker 1>But I was able to call on this skill and

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<v Speaker 1>notice this. I noticed my thoughts, I noticed how tired

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<v Speaker 1>I was in my body, but then I turned my

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<v Speaker 1>attention to one of my values, which is around being

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<v Speaker 1>consistent and committed to my health. Being committed to my

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<v Speaker 1>body and doing a yoga class is aligned with that.

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<v Speaker 1>And this doesn't mean that all of a sudden I'm like, yeah, great,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm going to yoga. That's not what this is about,

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<v Speaker 1>because my mind was still chatting way to me and going, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>you're too tired. But what I didn't do was give

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<v Speaker 1>in to it, and I went to the yoga class.

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<v Speaker 1>I really focused on my why why I was there,

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<v Speaker 1>and I certainly didn't regret it. In fact, it gave

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<v Speaker 1>me the energy that I needed. I felt really great afterwards.

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<v Speaker 1>So that's just a really simple example of how you

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<v Speaker 1>can practice this technique of creating space, noticing your thoughts,

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<v Speaker 1>noticing how you're feeling, and then doing what's important. And look,

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<v Speaker 1>it sounds simple, it is often very hard to do,

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<v Speaker 1>especially when there are strong emotions involved, but it is

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<v Speaker 1>so effective because it influences everything that happens next and

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<v Speaker 1>it gives us control over how we behave So if

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<v Speaker 1>you think this technique could be of value to you,

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<v Speaker 1>what I would do is start to notice your thoughts

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<v Speaker 1>this week, notice your feelings, notice your bodily sensations, and

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<v Speaker 1>then and really ground yourself by taking a deep breath

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<v Speaker 1>or noticing your surroundings and then decide how you're going

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<v Speaker 1>to respond. And it's great to find sort of opportunity

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<v Speaker 1>to notice your thoughts and your emotions, like even having

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<v Speaker 1>a shower is a good one. You can notice what's

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<v Speaker 1>coming up in your mind, notice how you're feeling, or

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<v Speaker 1>when you're driving, anytime that you've got a bit of

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<v Speaker 1>space to really notice what's going on internally, and then

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<v Speaker 1>you can create that space to decide how you're going

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<v Speaker 1>to respond. Otherwise, if we don't do this, we can

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<v Speaker 1>end up spiraling into this well wind of emotion and

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<v Speaker 1>thoughts which so often don't serve us well. And yes,

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<v Speaker 1>it can be very unpleasant and uncomfortable to not give

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<v Speaker 1>into your emotions because often it's the short term. Avoidance

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<v Speaker 1>strategies are the ones that do take the emotions and

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<v Speaker 1>the thoughts away short term, but they usually end up

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<v Speaker 1>coming back. Our automatic thoughts and emotions are something that

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<v Speaker 1>we cannot control, but we can control how we respond

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<v Speaker 1>to them and then what we do next. So that's

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<v Speaker 1>it for this week's Mojo Monday. I hope you have

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<v Speaker 1>got some value out of that, and I will catch

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<v Speaker 1>you next week. Yeah,