Speaker 1: Hi there, It's Carlie Taylor here for this week's Mojoe Monday.
Speaker 1: So today I want to talk about a strategy that
Speaker 1: has been an absolute game changer for me. It's a
Speaker 1: game changer when it comes to handling those moments that
Speaker 1: we all face at some stage. Some of us face
Speaker 1: them more than others. And that is when something triggers
Speaker 1: you and you react instantly without even thinking about it.
Speaker 1: So maybe it's anger that shows up, which is what
Speaker 1: Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic philosopher referred to as the red mist,
Speaker 1: and you snap at someone or say something hurtful. Or
Speaker 1: maybe it's anxiety which shows up, which you know you
Speaker 1: end up spiraling down into a panic. And we're all human,
Speaker 1: so we've all been there. And as I said, some
Speaker 1: people struggle with this more than others, and I can
Speaker 1: definitely relate to that feeling of anxiety. So I just
Speaker 1: this is just an everyday example. So I get anxious
Speaker 1: about running late, and rationally, I know that telling myself
Speaker 1: I shouldn't be feeling like this and it's all going
Speaker 1: to be okay, and I've left enough time, and YadA, YadA, YadA, YadA.
Speaker 1: It doesn't actually just make the anxiety disappear. And this
Speaker 1: is the tricky part to get our head arounds emotions,
Speaker 1: because you can't just delete them. They show up and
Speaker 1: eventually they go away, of course, but they don't just
Speaker 1: vanish when we want them to, which is really unfortunate
Speaker 1: because a lot of these emotions are really unpleasant and
Speaker 1: it would be nice for us to be able to
Speaker 1: get rid of them at will, But it's a bit
Speaker 1: of a deluded strategy because it just doesn't work. And
Speaker 1: often when we struggle with those really hard to handle emotions,
Speaker 1: we end up then doing things that can make the
Speaker 1: situation worse, especially in the long run. But what can
Speaker 1: really help with these emotions and thoughts that show up,
Speaker 1: however strong, is that is this concept that between what
Speaker 1: happens to us, which we'll call a stimulus, and then
Speaker 1: what we do, which is our behavior. Between those two things,
Speaker 1: there is a space. So something happens and then we
Speaker 1: do something, there is a space. And even though this
Speaker 1: sounds really really simple, it can completely change what happens
Speaker 1: next if we are aware of this space and allow
Speaker 1: it to be there. What it can do is influence
Speaker 1: our relationships, our work, our parenting, everything it can influence
Speaker 1: everything and especially the path that we want to be on.
Speaker 1: And what this space does is it holds the key
Speaker 1: to being more mindful and making more intentional choices rather
Speaker 1: than just reacting to our emotions and our thoughts. And
Speaker 1: that way we can use it to really shift everything.
Speaker 1: So in that space, we have the power to choose
Speaker 1: how we respond to whatever happens to us. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter how challenging it is, it doesn't matter how we feel.
Speaker 1: What we do and how we behave does not have
Speaker 1: to be dictated by that. And that is the difference
Speaker 1: between reacting based on emotion and thought and responding based
Speaker 1: on what is actually really important to us and to others.
Speaker 1: And what this space does is it provides this opportunity
Speaker 1: for growth, for change and even happiness. And if we
Speaker 1: can practice this skill, it has these long term positive implications.
Speaker 1: And of course many of you will be aware and
Speaker 1: I know what your mind is saying right now that
Speaker 1: this is Victor Frankel quote, my favorite quote of all time.
Speaker 1: So Victor Frankle wrote Man's Search for Meaning. He was
Speaker 1: a Holocaust survivor and he created a type of therapy
Speaker 1: called logo therapy, which was based on his experience and
Speaker 1: Frank Hall believed that we all have the ability to
Speaker 1: shape our lives not by the conditions that we find
Speaker 1: ourselves in, but by the decisions we make in the
Speaker 1: response to those conditions. So we can't always control what
Speaker 1: happens to us, but we always always can control and
Speaker 1: have a say about how we respond to it. And
Speaker 1: this is a skill because emotions and thoughts can really
Speaker 1: hook us and we end up doing things that take
Speaker 1: us on a path that we don't want to be on.
Speaker 1: And in the moment it feels like we don't have
Speaker 1: a choice, but we always do, no matter how how
Speaker 1: hard it feels. If you haven't actually heard the quote,
Speaker 1: I shall read it out. I know this one off
Speaker 1: by heart. Write it down because it really is one
Speaker 1: of the most powerful quotes I believe. Ever, between stimulus
Speaker 1: and response, there is a space, and in that space
Speaker 1: is our power to choose our response, and in that
Speaker 1: response lies our growth and freedom. The decisions that we
Speaker 1: make every single day, the decisions based on our circumstances
Speaker 1: or based on how we think and how we feel,
Speaker 1: have a huge influence on our lives. What we do
Speaker 1: in response to those feelings and thoughts that show up
Speaker 1: is what really can shape our reality, and when things
Speaker 1: don't go our way, it's our attitude that will influence
Speaker 1: how things turn out. And using skills taught in acceptance
Speaker 1: commitment therapy, which is very aligned with that Victor frankl quote,
Speaker 1: can learn to accept our thoughts and feelings instead of
Speaker 1: fighting with them, instead of trying to get rid of them,
Speaker 1: and then turn our attention and commit to action that
Speaker 1: aligns with what is important right now in this moment,
Speaker 1: which are our values, and our values become our compass.
Speaker 1: Our values are the things that point us in the
Speaker 1: direction that we want to go in, rather than our
Speaker 1: thoughts and our emotions, because that is what truly matters
Speaker 1: to us. So anxiety or when anxiety or overwhelms show up,
Speaker 1: instead of reacting impulsively or trying to suppress how you're feeling,
Speaker 1: you take a step back, pause and notice what is
Speaker 1: going on, like here's anxiety, or there's anger, or a
Speaker 1: notice frustration. But rather than allowing them to take over
Speaker 1: and have control over us, we can create this space
Speaker 1: so we can then act based on what truly matters
Speaker 1: and what truly matters in the long term. And I
Speaker 1: hear a lot in the moment that it's really easy
Speaker 1: to just completely justify how you're feeling and justify your reactions,
Speaker 1: even though when things calm down, you can look back
Speaker 1: on it and reflect and go, oh, maybe I shouldn't
Speaker 1: have reacted that way, But in the moment, there's a justification.
Speaker 1: And the more you practice this when you're in a
Speaker 1: calmer state of mind. So when things are going well,
Speaker 1: just start to notice your thoughts, notice your feelings, notice
Speaker 1: anything in your physical body that you're feeling, and then respond.
Speaker 1: And by doing this, you're developing this skill to almost
Speaker 1: separate yourself from your emotions and your thoughts. It's called
Speaker 1: cognitive distancing. So you create that space and then you know,
Speaker 1: then you decide how you respond. So I'll give you
Speaker 1: a simple everyday example. The other day, I had booked
Speaker 1: into a yoga class, but I felt really drained. My
Speaker 1: energy was low, and my mind started giving me all
Speaker 1: these excuses as to why I shouldn't go, and there
Speaker 1: was like a complete justification of why I shouldn't go.
Speaker 1: But I was able to call on this skill and
Speaker 1: notice this. I noticed my thoughts, I noticed how tired
Speaker 1: I was in my body, but then I turned my
Speaker 1: attention to one of my values, which is around being
Speaker 1: consistent and committed to my health. Being committed to my
Speaker 1: body and doing a yoga class is aligned with that.
Speaker 1: And this doesn't mean that all of a sudden I'm like, yeah, great,
Speaker 1: I'm going to yoga. That's not what this is about,
Speaker 1: because my mind was still chatting way to me and going, oh,
Speaker 1: you're too tired. But what I didn't do was give
Speaker 1: in to it, and I went to the yoga class.
Speaker 1: I really focused on my why why I was there,
Speaker 1: and I certainly didn't regret it. In fact, it gave
Speaker 1: me the energy that I needed. I felt really great afterwards.
Speaker 1: So that's just a really simple example of how you
Speaker 1: can practice this technique of creating space, noticing your thoughts,
Speaker 1: noticing how you're feeling, and then doing what's important. And look,
Speaker 1: it sounds simple, it is often very hard to do,
Speaker 1: especially when there are strong emotions involved, but it is
Speaker 1: so effective because it influences everything that happens next and
Speaker 1: it gives us control over how we behave So if
Speaker 1: you think this technique could be of value to you,
Speaker 1: what I would do is start to notice your thoughts
Speaker 1: this week, notice your feelings, notice your bodily sensations, and
Speaker 1: then and really ground yourself by taking a deep breath
Speaker 1: or noticing your surroundings and then decide how you're going
Speaker 1: to respond. And it's great to find sort of opportunity
Speaker 1: to notice your thoughts and your emotions, like even having
Speaker 1: a shower is a good one. You can notice what's
Speaker 1: coming up in your mind, notice how you're feeling, or
Speaker 1: when you're driving, anytime that you've got a bit of
Speaker 1: space to really notice what's going on internally, and then
Speaker 1: you can create that space to decide how you're going
Speaker 1: to respond. Otherwise, if we don't do this, we can
Speaker 1: end up spiraling into this well wind of emotion and
Speaker 1: thoughts which so often don't serve us well. And yes,
Speaker 1: it can be very unpleasant and uncomfortable to not give
Speaker 1: into your emotions because often it's the short term. Avoidance
Speaker 1: strategies are the ones that do take the emotions and
Speaker 1: the thoughts away short term, but they usually end up
Speaker 1: coming back. Our automatic thoughts and emotions are something that
Speaker 1: we cannot control, but we can control how we respond
Speaker 1: to them and then what we do next. So that's
Speaker 1: it for this week's Mojo Monday. I hope you have
Speaker 1: got some value out of that, and I will catch
Speaker 1: you next week. Yeah,