1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:07,281 Speaker 1: Apogee Production. 2 00:00:10,921 --> 00:00:13,961 Speaker 2: Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana. 3 00:00:14,361 --> 00:00:16,881 Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment. 4 00:00:16,441 --> 00:00:19,200 Speaker 3: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most 5 00:00:19,201 --> 00:00:20,801 Speaker 3: authentic version of yourself. 6 00:00:20,961 --> 00:00:23,281 Speaker 2: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. 7 00:00:23,321 --> 00:00:26,241 Speaker 2: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone 8 00:00:26,281 --> 00:00:27,801 Speaker 2: else is too afraid to talk about. 9 00:00:28,401 --> 00:00:30,761 Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self. 10 00:00:31,241 --> 00:00:34,440 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises with Ashley and Tiana. 11 00:00:34,481 --> 00:00:38,041 Speaker 2: We have a very special guest on Dr Shefarley. Welcome 12 00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:39,080 Speaker 2: to she Rises. 13 00:00:39,801 --> 00:00:42,001 Speaker 1: Hi, It's such a pleasure to be here. Thanks for 14 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:42,520 Speaker 1: having me. 15 00:00:42,721 --> 00:00:44,961 Speaker 2: I'm really excited to have you on here. I've actually 16 00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:47,480 Speaker 2: interviewed you before for a previous podcast, and I've been 17 00:00:47,521 --> 00:00:50,161 Speaker 2: to one of your live shows. I've read your main book, 18 00:00:50,281 --> 00:00:52,520 Speaker 2: and I've watched a shit ton of your content and 19 00:00:52,561 --> 00:00:55,280 Speaker 2: absolutely love your mission, what you do for parents and 20 00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:58,161 Speaker 2: how you help us understand what conscious parenting actually is. 21 00:00:58,681 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 2: But for anyone who doesn't know who you are and 22 00:01:00,881 --> 00:01:02,601 Speaker 2: what you do and what you help with, could you 23 00:01:02,601 --> 00:01:04,801 Speaker 2: give us a little bit of about you in a nutshell? 24 00:01:05,161 --> 00:01:05,441 Speaker 4: Sure? 25 00:01:05,561 --> 00:01:09,560 Speaker 1: So. I'm known as the founder, the pioneer of conscious 26 00:01:09,601 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 1: parenting and conscious parenting is basically a movement really to 27 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:18,841 Speaker 1: revolutionize the way we parent our children, and its basic 28 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:23,801 Speaker 1: premise is that the parent needs to raise themselves and 29 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 1: our reactions have all to do with us. As much 30 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,520 Speaker 1: as we'd like to blame our children, you know, feel 31 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: like they are the cause of everything, it is not true. 32 00:01:32,241 --> 00:01:36,801 Speaker 1: And conscious parenting, you know, really challenges parents to own 33 00:01:37,121 --> 00:01:40,481 Speaker 1: their own reactions and to heal their own past. Because 34 00:01:40,481 --> 00:01:43,840 Speaker 1: we're bringing so much of our past emotional baggage into 35 00:01:43,881 --> 00:01:44,920 Speaker 1: our parenting. 36 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,441 Speaker 2: It can be a hard pill to swallow for parents 37 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,521 Speaker 2: to hear that that it's more about parenting ourselves and 38 00:01:50,561 --> 00:01:54,441 Speaker 2: parenting our children. For someone listening that has never done 39 00:01:54,481 --> 00:01:58,161 Speaker 2: any of this work, who's like, what conscious parenting about me? 40 00:01:58,281 --> 00:02:01,721 Speaker 2: But my kids being hard? What's something you would cite 41 00:02:01,761 --> 00:02:03,801 Speaker 2: of them to get started on this journey of being 42 00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:06,001 Speaker 2: a more conscious parent and how to bring their kids 43 00:02:06,041 --> 00:02:09,921 Speaker 2: out without projecting and offloading our baggage, I suppose on 44 00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:10,281 Speaker 2: to them. 45 00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:12,521 Speaker 1: Well, I think the best way to bring parents on 46 00:02:12,601 --> 00:02:16,800 Speaker 1: board is to remind them of how they felt as children. 47 00:02:17,041 --> 00:02:20,761 Speaker 1: So we all have this inner child that felt suffocated 48 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:24,161 Speaker 1: and oppressed in our childhoods. And our job now is 49 00:02:24,201 --> 00:02:26,921 Speaker 1: to repaarent that in a child. And when we were 50 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:32,281 Speaker 1: really children, we remember feeling indignant and angry and frustrated 51 00:02:32,441 --> 00:02:36,321 Speaker 1: by our parents' unconscious reaction to us. So the way 52 00:02:36,361 --> 00:02:38,681 Speaker 1: I break down a parent's resistance and I take them 53 00:02:38,761 --> 00:02:42,121 Speaker 1: back to their childhood and I remind them, you know, 54 00:02:42,201 --> 00:02:44,401 Speaker 1: how did you feel when your parents shamed you and 55 00:02:44,481 --> 00:02:46,960 Speaker 1: humiliated you and punished you when you were just being 56 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,641 Speaker 1: a child and innocent and just you know, your brain 57 00:02:49,721 --> 00:02:54,121 Speaker 1: had informed yet you weren't really intending to trigger your parents, 58 00:02:54,161 --> 00:02:55,841 Speaker 1: but they were getting triggered all over the place, and 59 00:02:55,881 --> 00:02:57,881 Speaker 1: they blamed you for it. How did that feel for you? 60 00:02:58,401 --> 00:03:01,881 Speaker 1: And then when they can dip in and be honest 61 00:03:02,121 --> 00:03:06,401 Speaker 1: about how shitty that felt and knowledge that they are 62 00:03:06,441 --> 00:03:09,681 Speaker 1: still carrying that pain, then we have a little bit 63 00:03:09,721 --> 00:03:13,041 Speaker 1: of an opening for them to kind of see the arc, 64 00:03:13,281 --> 00:03:16,601 Speaker 1: to see how the pattern repeats itself, and then they're 65 00:03:16,601 --> 00:03:19,521 Speaker 1: willing to kind of open up. But let me tell you, 66 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,361 Speaker 1: you know, it's a bit of pill to swallow, and 67 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 1: parents don't want to look at themselves in the mirror. 68 00:03:23,721 --> 00:03:27,761 Speaker 1: But also there's a part of them that knows that 69 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,801 Speaker 1: they're out of control. The actions are because they are 70 00:03:29,841 --> 00:03:31,641 Speaker 1: out of control. They know that, they just don't want 71 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:32,280 Speaker 1: to admit it. 72 00:03:32,601 --> 00:03:35,161 Speaker 2: You know, this shame around it because when we yell 73 00:03:35,201 --> 00:03:38,081 Speaker 2: at our children or we do something that doesn't feel good, 74 00:03:38,121 --> 00:03:39,401 Speaker 2: you carry shame in that right. 75 00:03:39,481 --> 00:03:42,841 Speaker 1: It's hard yep, and that shame is that same shame 76 00:03:43,441 --> 00:03:46,161 Speaker 1: that we felt as children and that our parents felt 77 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:47,721 Speaker 1: when they couldn't deal with. 78 00:03:47,681 --> 00:03:49,361 Speaker 4: Us, and that's why they lost their shit. 79 00:03:49,841 --> 00:03:53,521 Speaker 1: And it's this shame and guilt cycle that keeps, you know, 80 00:03:53,561 --> 00:03:56,721 Speaker 1: wearing its head pattern after pattern, generation after generation. 81 00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:59,441 Speaker 3: And so say, for someone like a parent who just 82 00:03:59,481 --> 00:04:01,521 Speaker 3: comes into this work and starts to learn about this 83 00:04:01,601 --> 00:04:04,801 Speaker 3: concept of conscious parenting, what is something that you know, 84 00:04:05,121 --> 00:04:07,361 Speaker 3: you would invite them to look at when they're like, okay, 85 00:04:07,361 --> 00:04:09,561 Speaker 3: they're being faced with it, They're like, okay, I'm starting 86 00:04:09,561 --> 00:04:11,121 Speaker 3: to show up in the way that my parents did 87 00:04:11,121 --> 00:04:13,761 Speaker 3: for me. What's something that you would invite them to 88 00:04:13,841 --> 00:04:16,281 Speaker 3: look at when it comes to how they're showing up 89 00:04:16,401 --> 00:04:17,201 Speaker 3: for their children. 90 00:04:17,601 --> 00:04:20,401 Speaker 4: Yeah. I do this really fun exercise with parents. 91 00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:24,041 Speaker 1: I asked them about their last trigger, and then I 92 00:04:24,521 --> 00:04:28,561 Speaker 1: ask them what they did, and then we identify what 93 00:04:28,681 --> 00:04:31,281 Speaker 1: kind of ego pattern they are in in My last 94 00:04:31,281 --> 00:04:35,281 Speaker 1: book called the Parenting Map, identified five ego patterns. So 95 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 1: typically when we're triggered, we feel really helpless, and because 96 00:04:38,921 --> 00:04:41,321 Speaker 1: we feel helpless and we don't want to feel helpless, 97 00:04:41,641 --> 00:04:44,121 Speaker 1: we put on a mask called the ego and we 98 00:04:44,361 --> 00:04:46,801 Speaker 1: react outwardly to our children because we can't deal with 99 00:04:46,841 --> 00:04:49,361 Speaker 1: what they are bringing up for us on the inside. 100 00:04:49,761 --> 00:04:52,600 Speaker 1: So the ego masks are five, and they are either 101 00:04:52,681 --> 00:04:56,400 Speaker 1: the fighter, which is self explanatory, the one who controls 102 00:04:56,401 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 1: and rages and yelled and screams. 103 00:04:58,481 --> 00:04:59,201 Speaker 4: Or the fixer. 104 00:04:59,561 --> 00:05:01,841 Speaker 1: And the fixer is someone who swoops in and saves 105 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,681 Speaker 1: the day and rescues and people pleases, and you know, 106 00:05:04,801 --> 00:05:07,921 Speaker 1: hete anyone to feel upset and can't bear any unhappiness 107 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,481 Speaker 1: and you know, wipes everyone's tears. And then the third 108 00:05:11,481 --> 00:05:14,161 Speaker 1: one is the finner or the faker, the one who 109 00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:16,601 Speaker 1: really just cares about social currency and how it looks 110 00:05:16,641 --> 00:05:19,521 Speaker 1: to the outside world. They really don't care about being authentic, 111 00:05:19,561 --> 00:05:22,760 Speaker 1: they care about the social validation. And then the last 112 00:05:22,801 --> 00:05:26,041 Speaker 1: two are really from a more traumatized place. They are 113 00:05:26,081 --> 00:05:29,961 Speaker 1: the wounds of the freezer. You know, men are very 114 00:05:29,961 --> 00:05:32,961 Speaker 1: good at this. They just kind of shut down and 115 00:05:33,001 --> 00:05:36,401 Speaker 1: avoid and freeze and then the fleer, and the fleer 116 00:05:36,561 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 1: just jumps ship and just abandons everyone. So you know, 117 00:05:39,801 --> 00:05:41,801 Speaker 1: I could ask you, you know, which which patterns do 118 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,921 Speaker 1: you think you guys have the fix off the show? 119 00:05:44,081 --> 00:05:45,841 Speaker 2: Yeah, I was gonna say the rest of the rescuer 120 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:46,960 Speaker 2: and fix off for sure? 121 00:05:47,241 --> 00:05:49,441 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah yeah, And do you just have one or 122 00:05:49,481 --> 00:05:53,080 Speaker 1: do you because many times women especially will start out 123 00:05:53,161 --> 00:05:55,881 Speaker 1: being fixers and they'll fix and fix and fix till 124 00:05:55,921 --> 00:05:58,601 Speaker 1: like nine thirty at night, and then they just lou 125 00:05:58,681 --> 00:06:01,400 Speaker 1: their shit, you know, and then they become fighters and 126 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:02,041 Speaker 1: then they flee. 127 00:06:02,081 --> 00:06:02,881 Speaker 4: They're like, I'm god. 128 00:06:03,121 --> 00:06:04,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, and you can be a combo, but you have 129 00:06:04,561 --> 00:06:07,880 Speaker 1: your favorite, you know, your default mode. And men typically 130 00:06:08,281 --> 00:06:10,841 Speaker 1: start out as freezers, you know, they just shut down, 131 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,400 Speaker 1: and then they are fighters. I think men typically go 132 00:06:13,561 --> 00:06:18,121 Speaker 1: between fighter freezer, flear freezer fighter flear, you know, in 133 00:06:18,161 --> 00:06:18,601 Speaker 1: that mode. 134 00:06:18,721 --> 00:06:21,401 Speaker 4: I rarely hear a man say, oh I'm a fixer. 135 00:06:21,801 --> 00:06:23,881 Speaker 1: They typically come out of the woman, the females. Man. 136 00:06:24,001 --> 00:06:25,841 Speaker 2: It's funny you say that, because I was talking to 137 00:06:25,841 --> 00:06:28,881 Speaker 2: my neighbor. We've both got two kids, and we're talking 138 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 2: about gentle parenting, which I'd like to ask your person 139 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,521 Speaker 2: around that but she was like, I'm a gentle parent 140 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,561 Speaker 2: until five pm. 141 00:06:33,641 --> 00:06:35,481 Speaker 5: Then I lose my shit. So it's similar. 142 00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:37,161 Speaker 2: She must be like a fixer and a rescuer, and 143 00:06:37,201 --> 00:06:39,241 Speaker 2: then at five pm she's a fighter and she's just 144 00:06:39,241 --> 00:06:41,321 Speaker 2: trying to put all the fires out, get them to bed, 145 00:06:41,361 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 2: and it's just like all help right slows because she's 146 00:06:43,481 --> 00:06:44,080 Speaker 2: lost control. 147 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,601 Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's why gentle parenting has nothing to do 148 00:06:46,681 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 1: with conscious parenting, because gentle parenting is still a strategy. 149 00:06:51,001 --> 00:06:54,561 Speaker 1: It's still like a fix it kind of a script 150 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:58,921 Speaker 1: which you are, you know, robotically following, but you're not 151 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 1: being authentic. And that's why you can't do gentle parenting 152 00:07:02,561 --> 00:07:05,721 Speaker 1: for long because it's fake, you know. And don't need 153 00:07:05,841 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 1: us to be gentle out of a strategy. It should 154 00:07:08,241 --> 00:07:11,081 Speaker 1: be something that we either are or we feel and 155 00:07:11,161 --> 00:07:14,121 Speaker 1: be a body out of this flow state, and conscious 156 00:07:14,121 --> 00:07:16,721 Speaker 1: parenting teaches us to go really deep, you know. 157 00:07:16,801 --> 00:07:18,280 Speaker 4: Gentle parenting is very surface. 158 00:07:18,361 --> 00:07:21,001 Speaker 1: It's about what we say and how we say it, 159 00:07:21,361 --> 00:07:23,281 Speaker 1: but it has nothing to do with the deeper triggers. 160 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,521 Speaker 4: And this is about deeper healing. 161 00:07:25,281 --> 00:07:25,441 Speaker 1: You know. 162 00:07:25,681 --> 00:07:27,761 Speaker 2: M So that was my next question of like the 163 00:07:27,801 --> 00:07:31,001 Speaker 2: difference between gentle and conscious parenting because whenever I've had 164 00:07:31,001 --> 00:07:33,561 Speaker 2: conversations with not whenever, but there has been some parents 165 00:07:33,601 --> 00:07:36,001 Speaker 2: I've spoken about gentle parenting or conscious parenting and now 166 00:07:36,321 --> 00:07:39,081 Speaker 2: they're on the defense of well, children need boundaries. So 167 00:07:39,121 --> 00:07:41,641 Speaker 2: you can talk about boundaries with conscious parenting and how 168 00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:42,681 Speaker 2: your views on that. 169 00:07:43,121 --> 00:07:45,641 Speaker 1: Yeah, And people think that when I say, you know, 170 00:07:45,721 --> 00:07:50,001 Speaker 1: look at yourself and heal yourself, somehow people hear that 171 00:07:50,641 --> 00:07:52,321 Speaker 1: as sex drugs and rock and roll. 172 00:07:52,481 --> 00:07:55,201 Speaker 4: I'm like, in where have I said that there are 173 00:07:55,201 --> 00:07:55,841 Speaker 4: no boundaries? 174 00:07:55,921 --> 00:07:59,921 Speaker 1: Right? But they hear that because it's so fascinating. Let 175 00:07:59,961 --> 00:08:02,041 Speaker 1: me just talk about this and I'll talk about boundaries. 176 00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:03,921 Speaker 1: Is that the minute you ask a parent to give 177 00:08:04,001 --> 00:08:08,001 Speaker 1: up control, they're like, okay, then I'm just gonna smoke 178 00:08:08,041 --> 00:08:10,801 Speaker 1: weed with them. Like they go, they go completely to 179 00:08:10,841 --> 00:08:14,921 Speaker 1: the other extreme, and that really speaks to their own 180 00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:19,281 Speaker 1: inherent inauthenticity. It's like, because that's actually what's inside. They 181 00:08:19,321 --> 00:08:21,321 Speaker 1: want to be reckless, they want to be rebellious, and 182 00:08:21,361 --> 00:08:24,961 Speaker 1: they haven't yet integrated their own shadow self and that's 183 00:08:25,001 --> 00:08:27,361 Speaker 1: why they think that the minute I say have compassion 184 00:08:27,401 --> 00:08:30,201 Speaker 1: for your children, connect with your children, they equate it 185 00:08:30,521 --> 00:08:32,241 Speaker 1: to sex drugs in rock and roll, because that is 186 00:08:32,281 --> 00:08:35,081 Speaker 1: a shadow side of them that they haven't yet evolved into. 187 00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:36,441 Speaker 4: We so equate. 188 00:08:36,121 --> 00:08:38,761 Speaker 1: Parenting with control that the minute somebody says give up control, 189 00:08:39,201 --> 00:08:42,001 Speaker 1: it feels like it's an orgy, you know, it feels 190 00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:45,001 Speaker 1: like it's a drug party. It feels like that because 191 00:08:45,041 --> 00:08:48,201 Speaker 1: the only two ways we think about life control or 192 00:08:48,441 --> 00:08:50,681 Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm not doing anything right. And that's why 193 00:08:50,721 --> 00:08:53,681 Speaker 1: now there's this big debate around gentle parenting or fuck 194 00:08:53,681 --> 00:08:55,801 Speaker 1: around and find out. I'm like, how are we even 195 00:08:55,841 --> 00:08:58,001 Speaker 1: going back and forth? Like where did the other one 196 00:08:59,681 --> 00:09:02,241 Speaker 1: come from? Because you know, I think what it is 197 00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:04,961 Speaker 1: is that we are really angry inside, and we are 198 00:09:05,081 --> 00:09:10,281 Speaker 1: pissedaff and we are actually not enjoying this anymore. And 199 00:09:10,361 --> 00:09:14,481 Speaker 1: so we're working so hard through britted teeth and clenched 200 00:09:14,561 --> 00:09:17,441 Speaker 1: jaws to be gentle, and then when we get too 201 00:09:17,521 --> 00:09:20,081 Speaker 1: much pushback, we're like, FuG it, We're not doing this 202 00:09:20,241 --> 00:09:22,641 Speaker 1: bug at all, and we're just like losing our shit 203 00:09:22,761 --> 00:09:25,481 Speaker 1: and burning the house down. You know. But that's why 204 00:09:25,561 --> 00:09:28,561 Speaker 1: none of this is conscious, and conscious parenting is really 205 00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:30,121 Speaker 1: the you know, of course, I'm going to say this 206 00:09:30,281 --> 00:09:33,601 Speaker 1: the real deal, because it's really looking at your bullshit 207 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:37,161 Speaker 1: and healing yourself and using this as an invitation to 208 00:09:37,281 --> 00:09:39,641 Speaker 1: heal some of the crap from our childhood that we 209 00:09:39,721 --> 00:09:42,161 Speaker 1: never got to do. So anyway, what are conscious boundaries? 210 00:09:42,201 --> 00:09:48,401 Speaker 1: Conscious boundaries are an intrinsic, inherent, vital, essential, profoundly, you know, 211 00:09:48,841 --> 00:09:54,361 Speaker 1: intricate part of conscious parenting. And conscious boundaries really are 212 00:09:54,561 --> 00:10:00,881 Speaker 1: about how aligned are we as parents to our own values? 213 00:10:01,321 --> 00:10:01,521 Speaker 4: Right? 214 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,161 Speaker 1: So we talk a lot, right, Oh, you know, I 215 00:10:04,201 --> 00:10:07,281 Speaker 1: believe in healthy eating, But then our pantry is filled 216 00:10:07,321 --> 00:10:10,041 Speaker 1: with cookies, and then our children are the cookie monster 217 00:10:10,121 --> 00:10:12,441 Speaker 1: and they're eating the cookies, and now we're yelling at 218 00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:14,601 Speaker 1: them as if they should have control of the cookies 219 00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:18,841 Speaker 1: as opposed to we being aligned with the values of 220 00:10:18,921 --> 00:10:20,241 Speaker 1: not having jump food in the house. 221 00:10:20,321 --> 00:10:22,761 Speaker 4: Right, So a conscious boundary. 222 00:10:22,521 --> 00:10:25,561 Speaker 1: Is number one, aligned with our own values, which means 223 00:10:26,081 --> 00:10:28,441 Speaker 1: we have to be aligned. That is very hard to 224 00:10:28,481 --> 00:10:30,721 Speaker 1: do in life. It's really easy to talk with, very 225 00:10:30,721 --> 00:10:35,321 Speaker 1: hard to follow right to follow through, So that's extremely difficult. 226 00:10:35,321 --> 00:10:37,401 Speaker 1: So it's so much easier to blame the children. And 227 00:10:37,441 --> 00:10:40,041 Speaker 1: the second part about conscious boundaries, which is very hard 228 00:10:40,041 --> 00:10:42,401 Speaker 1: for people to get, is that it has nothing to 229 00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:44,561 Speaker 1: do with the children. So instead of yelling at your 230 00:10:44,601 --> 00:10:46,441 Speaker 1: kids every day. Get off the Wi Fi, get off 231 00:10:46,441 --> 00:10:48,401 Speaker 1: the internet. Get off the internet. Give me your phone, 232 00:10:48,961 --> 00:10:51,721 Speaker 1: you take charge, and you turn off the Wi Fi. 233 00:10:52,241 --> 00:10:54,161 Speaker 1: You just turn off the Wi Fi. You know, you 234 00:10:54,201 --> 00:10:56,241 Speaker 1: take away the phone, you take out the cookies. So 235 00:10:56,281 --> 00:11:00,321 Speaker 1: conscious boundaries are about you and you making a choice 236 00:11:00,641 --> 00:11:04,241 Speaker 1: that works for you, and you don't give your power 237 00:11:04,241 --> 00:11:07,721 Speaker 1: to your child, partner, your boss. So, for example, I 238 00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:10,921 Speaker 1: tell many women, you know, stop explaining to your partner 239 00:11:11,521 --> 00:11:16,481 Speaker 1: how they should respect you. Conscious boundaries is owning your 240 00:11:16,601 --> 00:11:20,921 Speaker 1: power and your co creation here and realizing you can 241 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:23,321 Speaker 1: do something about it which has nothing to do with them. 242 00:11:23,761 --> 00:11:24,601 Speaker 4: Meaning you can. 243 00:11:24,441 --> 00:11:27,001 Speaker 1: Stop talking to your husband for the day, you can 244 00:11:27,081 --> 00:11:31,041 Speaker 1: leave the house, you can ignore him, you can leave him, 245 00:11:31,361 --> 00:11:33,641 Speaker 1: you can do so many things which have nothing to 246 00:11:33,681 --> 00:11:36,161 Speaker 1: do with him. And that's what conscious boundaries are. So 247 00:11:36,201 --> 00:11:39,041 Speaker 1: number one, it's about alignment. Number two, it's about taking 248 00:11:39,121 --> 00:11:40,721 Speaker 1: the power and you doing something. 249 00:11:41,761 --> 00:11:43,801 Speaker 5: I love that. Okay, I'm going to give you a scenario. 250 00:11:44,081 --> 00:11:48,881 Speaker 2: So screens are very common in today's society with children, 251 00:11:49,401 --> 00:11:50,761 Speaker 2: young young children. 252 00:11:50,401 --> 00:11:52,081 Speaker 5: They're becoming a lot more addicted to it. 253 00:11:52,321 --> 00:11:54,321 Speaker 2: If a parent's listen to this and saying, okay, I'm 254 00:11:54,321 --> 00:11:56,161 Speaker 2: going to take away the iPad tonight and turn off 255 00:11:56,161 --> 00:11:58,841 Speaker 2: the Wi Fi and all health breaks loose and their 256 00:11:58,921 --> 00:12:01,201 Speaker 2: kids are screaming and tangering, getting angry. 257 00:12:01,601 --> 00:12:02,561 Speaker 5: Can we talk discipline? 258 00:12:02,601 --> 00:12:04,641 Speaker 2: How would you as a teacher, like, how would you 259 00:12:04,681 --> 00:12:08,321 Speaker 2: help parents manage that and help their kids corregulate and 260 00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:11,601 Speaker 2: understand because when they're in at stit can't You can't 261 00:12:11,641 --> 00:12:14,281 Speaker 2: reason with the unreasonable. Toddler's not going to understand why 262 00:12:14,281 --> 00:12:15,521 Speaker 2: they can't have their screen. 263 00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:17,641 Speaker 1: Now, yep, And this is really what I'm going to 264 00:12:17,641 --> 00:12:20,641 Speaker 1: be focusing on when I come to Australia. You know, 265 00:12:20,641 --> 00:12:22,721 Speaker 1: I'm coming for a tour in March. 266 00:12:22,481 --> 00:12:24,121 Speaker 4: And we're going to talk about all this but in 267 00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:24,841 Speaker 4: a nutshell. 268 00:12:25,761 --> 00:12:30,161 Speaker 1: So let's understand what a screen does to a child 269 00:12:30,641 --> 00:12:34,561 Speaker 1: under the age of fourteen fifteen. A screen is worse 270 00:12:34,601 --> 00:12:38,041 Speaker 1: than crack cocaine. So I would ask the parent is 271 00:12:38,121 --> 00:12:41,321 Speaker 1: your value to give your child a drug? And they 272 00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:45,121 Speaker 1: will look at me in horror and indignation and defensiveness 273 00:12:45,121 --> 00:12:47,881 Speaker 1: and say, you know, never, I would never give a drug. 274 00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:48,521 Speaker 4: Okay. 275 00:12:48,561 --> 00:12:50,881 Speaker 1: So now we've established that their value is to not 276 00:12:51,001 --> 00:12:54,921 Speaker 1: be a drug enabler, right, a drug peddlar. Okay? Good, 277 00:12:55,161 --> 00:12:57,641 Speaker 1: So now when they see the data and the research 278 00:12:57,681 --> 00:13:00,521 Speaker 1: and the science, and they realize that the screens are 279 00:13:00,521 --> 00:13:03,321 Speaker 1: a drug. Then I would ask them, so would you 280 00:13:03,441 --> 00:13:06,881 Speaker 1: like to give your toddler a screen? They'd be like no, okay, 281 00:13:06,961 --> 00:13:09,801 Speaker 1: So now you're in alignment. So then taking away the 282 00:13:10,041 --> 00:13:13,801 Speaker 1: drug and your child having a tantrum is okay with 283 00:13:13,881 --> 00:13:16,721 Speaker 1: you because you are in alignment, right, and you gave 284 00:13:16,761 --> 00:13:18,441 Speaker 1: them the drug, so you're taking away the drug or 285 00:13:18,481 --> 00:13:21,201 Speaker 1: toddler shouldn't have to have a screen to. 286 00:13:21,561 --> 00:13:23,841 Speaker 4: Then fry from when the screen is leaving. 287 00:13:24,481 --> 00:13:28,161 Speaker 1: So we get in alignment with that value, and then 288 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:31,201 Speaker 1: we do something about it. We don't expect the toddler 289 00:13:31,241 --> 00:13:34,161 Speaker 1: to say, here, mammy, it's been twenty five minutes. I 290 00:13:34,201 --> 00:13:36,521 Speaker 1: am going to keep my promise. The toddler has no memory, 291 00:13:36,561 --> 00:13:38,561 Speaker 1: The teenager has no memory none, the husband has no memory. 292 00:13:38,561 --> 00:13:40,681 Speaker 1: No one has any memory because the brain is getting 293 00:13:40,721 --> 00:13:44,281 Speaker 1: hijacked and with this flood of dopamine. You see how 294 00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:47,081 Speaker 1: you and I are. I see myself. I pick up 295 00:13:47,121 --> 00:13:50,561 Speaker 1: the phone robotically and I check like a zombie. 296 00:13:50,641 --> 00:13:51,801 Speaker 4: I don't even know what I'm doing. 297 00:13:51,881 --> 00:13:52,721 Speaker 1: And then ten. 298 00:13:52,561 --> 00:13:54,361 Speaker 4: Minutes go by and I go, what have I done? 299 00:13:54,841 --> 00:13:59,201 Speaker 1: Nothing? Zero zilch nada, nothing. I'm just like a fiend 300 00:13:59,801 --> 00:14:03,721 Speaker 1: looking for blood, you know. And it's so tragic. So 301 00:14:04,441 --> 00:14:08,321 Speaker 1: it's actually be a narn issue. Squeeens are actually supposed 302 00:14:08,321 --> 00:14:11,281 Speaker 1: to now be a narn issue because we should know enough, 303 00:14:11,521 --> 00:14:13,481 Speaker 1: Like I didn't know, so I get to say I 304 00:14:13,521 --> 00:14:17,761 Speaker 1: didn't know, but your generation knows. So there's absolutely no 305 00:14:17,881 --> 00:14:21,121 Speaker 1: debate now how toxic they are for our children's breed. 306 00:14:21,241 --> 00:14:23,801 Speaker 2: The alignment thing really hit for me because it's a 307 00:14:23,841 --> 00:14:26,641 Speaker 2: silly example. But my little boy, his friends all drink 308 00:14:26,721 --> 00:14:28,961 Speaker 2: slushies and they drink those prime drinks, and there's a 309 00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:32,361 Speaker 2: lot of liquids with caffeine and loaded with sugars and stuff, and. 310 00:14:32,641 --> 00:14:34,201 Speaker 5: That's not an alignment with what I would give him. 311 00:14:34,201 --> 00:14:36,281 Speaker 2: He's nearly turning ten, but he asked, but he doesn't 312 00:14:36,321 --> 00:14:38,601 Speaker 2: ask anymore because he just knows that it's a boundary. 313 00:14:38,641 --> 00:14:39,921 Speaker 2: It's not what we have in our house, it's not 314 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,761 Speaker 2: what you can consume, it's not healthy. 315 00:14:41,801 --> 00:14:42,281 Speaker 5: It's just no. 316 00:14:42,561 --> 00:14:44,881 Speaker 2: And he stopped asking little Perio where he kept asking 317 00:14:44,881 --> 00:14:46,561 Speaker 2: because his friend's having it. But it's just like a no. 318 00:14:46,561 --> 00:14:48,521 Speaker 3: Now, yeah, of course, he just knows it, just knows 319 00:14:48,561 --> 00:14:49,361 Speaker 3: it's standard. 320 00:14:49,361 --> 00:14:51,641 Speaker 2: And we're in alignment now, and I've also educated him 321 00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:53,241 Speaker 2: and what's in them and what it does to his body. 322 00:14:53,361 --> 00:14:56,321 Speaker 5: Yeah, and he doesn't ask anymore. Yeah that's cool. 323 00:14:56,761 --> 00:14:58,841 Speaker 4: And also but yeah, before you rest. 324 00:14:58,961 --> 00:15:02,241 Speaker 1: Too happily on your laurels, let me just say, let's 325 00:15:02,241 --> 00:15:06,841 Speaker 1: also understand that our children can talk switch the tide, okay, 326 00:15:06,881 --> 00:15:10,041 Speaker 1: So not to be upset with yourself and then don't 327 00:15:10,081 --> 00:15:11,481 Speaker 1: feel angry and guilty. 328 00:15:12,201 --> 00:15:13,481 Speaker 4: They may test the boundary. 329 00:15:13,561 --> 00:15:16,601 Speaker 1: Right. So for years I never gave my daughter McDonald's, 330 00:15:16,881 --> 00:15:19,921 Speaker 1: and I was so proud of my purest, you know, 331 00:15:20,121 --> 00:15:23,201 Speaker 1: healthy attitude. She'd never even entered the McDonald's. I couldn't 332 00:15:23,201 --> 00:15:25,921 Speaker 1: wait to boast right and feel so good about myself. 333 00:15:26,241 --> 00:15:28,801 Speaker 1: And then the minute she could drive, I used to 334 00:15:28,841 --> 00:15:29,761 Speaker 1: track her car. 335 00:15:29,881 --> 00:15:32,681 Speaker 4: I'm like, oh my god, if she had a McDonald's. 336 00:15:33,801 --> 00:15:37,401 Speaker 1: So just know that there's only so much we can control. 337 00:15:37,401 --> 00:15:38,761 Speaker 4: But at least we're doing what we can do. 338 00:15:38,841 --> 00:15:41,441 Speaker 1: Now. When they have wings, it's their choice if to 339 00:15:41,521 --> 00:15:43,961 Speaker 1: crash or burn, right, I mean, we can't control everything, 340 00:15:44,001 --> 00:15:46,161 Speaker 1: but we can do the best we can in alignment 341 00:15:46,201 --> 00:15:47,201 Speaker 1: with our values. 342 00:15:47,561 --> 00:15:49,801 Speaker 3: So bring this conversation back into what we were talking 343 00:15:49,801 --> 00:15:52,761 Speaker 3: about before with the screens. Say if there was a 344 00:15:52,841 --> 00:15:54,561 Speaker 3: mom out there who was like, Okay, I'm going to 345 00:15:54,641 --> 00:15:56,801 Speaker 3: do this. I'm going to you know, put my foot down. 346 00:15:56,801 --> 00:15:59,521 Speaker 3: I'm going to create new boundaries based on my new values. 347 00:16:00,041 --> 00:16:03,041 Speaker 3: And they're receiving that pushback. No matter what age their 348 00:16:03,081 --> 00:16:05,601 Speaker 3: child is at, they're receiving pushback for some whether it's 349 00:16:05,601 --> 00:16:08,961 Speaker 3: a tantrum, whether it's back chat, whatever. How would you 350 00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:12,801 Speaker 3: teach or recommend a client, like learn how to regulate 351 00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:15,641 Speaker 3: themselves when they're in the thick of that like pushback, 352 00:16:15,681 --> 00:16:17,241 Speaker 3: when they're like, oh my god, I'm going to break 353 00:16:17,321 --> 00:16:17,601 Speaker 3: right now. 354 00:16:17,641 --> 00:16:19,481 Speaker 5: I need to just give them the screen so I 355 00:16:19,481 --> 00:16:21,561 Speaker 5: can cook dinner and like just have a moment to myself. 356 00:16:21,641 --> 00:16:23,841 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like in those moments when they're feeling really desperate, 357 00:16:23,921 --> 00:16:26,401 Speaker 3: how would you support them? What would you encourage them 358 00:16:26,441 --> 00:16:27,481 Speaker 3: to do in that moment? 359 00:16:27,481 --> 00:16:28,761 Speaker 5: Because you can see it's a tool of what our 360 00:16:28,801 --> 00:16:29,401 Speaker 5: parents use. 361 00:16:29,601 --> 00:16:34,321 Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, Well, first we have to take into account, 362 00:16:34,521 --> 00:16:36,881 Speaker 1: you know that we don't do these things in the 363 00:16:36,921 --> 00:16:40,481 Speaker 1: heat of the moment because our children will literally beat 364 00:16:40,561 --> 00:16:41,001 Speaker 1: us down. 365 00:16:41,121 --> 00:16:43,241 Speaker 4: Okay, depending on how old they are. 366 00:16:43,561 --> 00:16:46,001 Speaker 1: We need to be really wise now because this is 367 00:16:46,041 --> 00:16:48,921 Speaker 1: an addict. Okay, So if your kid is fourteen and 368 00:16:48,961 --> 00:16:52,281 Speaker 1: taller than you. I suggest you don't do this when 369 00:16:52,321 --> 00:16:54,321 Speaker 1: they are watching the iPad, like you. 370 00:16:54,321 --> 00:16:56,841 Speaker 4: Don't be silly, right, It's okay. You know, we want 371 00:16:56,841 --> 00:16:57,321 Speaker 4: to be alive. 372 00:16:57,801 --> 00:17:00,641 Speaker 1: So we do this incrementally, and we do this with 373 00:17:00,721 --> 00:17:03,041 Speaker 1: the help of a coach, a therapist, you know, other 374 00:17:03,161 --> 00:17:06,361 Speaker 1: strong people around who can help the detox process. 375 00:17:07,001 --> 00:17:08,321 Speaker 4: Your kids are going to. 376 00:17:08,321 --> 00:17:12,121 Speaker 1: Be lunatics if you take the stuff away without notice, 377 00:17:12,201 --> 00:17:16,400 Speaker 1: without advance, you know, warning, without surrogacy. You know, you 378 00:17:16,441 --> 00:17:18,561 Speaker 1: need to give them the passifier. What is the next 379 00:17:18,561 --> 00:17:20,640 Speaker 1: thing that you're going to give them? You know, this 380 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,600 Speaker 1: is a serious addiction. My daughter's twenty two. I'm not 381 00:17:24,681 --> 00:17:26,761 Speaker 1: taking a phone away, are you kidding? I don't want 382 00:17:26,761 --> 00:17:28,960 Speaker 1: to be like she locked me up somewhere and no 383 00:17:29,001 --> 00:17:31,440 Speaker 1: one will find me. You know, after a certain age 384 00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,720 Speaker 1: you need to recruit like an army to help you. 385 00:17:34,241 --> 00:17:36,400 Speaker 1: So we want to do this young and I know 386 00:17:36,521 --> 00:17:40,080 Speaker 1: parents listening, they're like, oh my god, my kid is eight. Yeah, 387 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,921 Speaker 1: it's difficult, it is very difficult. But if they are 388 00:17:43,001 --> 00:17:46,521 Speaker 1: under fourteen fifteen, we still owe it to them to 389 00:17:46,681 --> 00:17:50,521 Speaker 1: create those limits and those boundaries. We do. Whether it's hard, 390 00:17:50,561 --> 00:17:53,241 Speaker 1: whether they hit us they beat us. We can work 391 00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:57,360 Speaker 1: through this together because the saving grace here is that 392 00:17:57,721 --> 00:18:02,841 Speaker 1: their sanity, their emotional well being, the executive functioning can 393 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,680 Speaker 1: come back online. 394 00:18:05,201 --> 00:18:08,440 Speaker 2: Think with we're really honeying on screens here, But I 395 00:18:08,481 --> 00:18:10,521 Speaker 2: just know it's a big problem, and I'll be honest. 396 00:18:10,561 --> 00:18:12,281 Speaker 5: My ten year old does have a computer. 397 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,801 Speaker 2: They also work on the computer at school, and when 398 00:18:14,801 --> 00:18:16,880 Speaker 2: he comes home he sometimes has homework, he has to 399 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,920 Speaker 2: continue to work on his computer. So the boundaries of 400 00:18:19,961 --> 00:18:22,041 Speaker 2: a screen, like how do you say, oh, you can't 401 00:18:22,041 --> 00:18:24,160 Speaker 2: have your laptop, but he also needs it for school. 402 00:18:24,441 --> 00:18:27,761 Speaker 1: It's so hard and that's why parents need to be 403 00:18:27,921 --> 00:18:31,321 Speaker 1: outraged that culture has done this and set them up 404 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,561 Speaker 1: to be the bad guy. When culture is the bad 405 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:37,640 Speaker 1: guy a culture outside because it's capitalism, right, it's the 406 00:18:37,721 --> 00:18:40,961 Speaker 1: oligarchs who are laughing their way to their bank at 407 00:18:40,961 --> 00:18:44,200 Speaker 1: the expense of our children. And now parents and children 408 00:18:44,281 --> 00:18:47,440 Speaker 1: are fighting when we were never fighting about this, we 409 00:18:47,441 --> 00:18:50,080 Speaker 1: were fighting about other stuff. But now we're fighting about 410 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,801 Speaker 1: the damn phone. It's like the phone is a relationship 411 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,880 Speaker 1: or the screen is now the other key relationship in 412 00:18:55,921 --> 00:18:59,641 Speaker 1: this house, and you're fighting your child's attention and they 413 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,680 Speaker 1: are hitting on you because you see the intoxication of 414 00:19:02,721 --> 00:19:06,201 Speaker 1: a screen, because it's so dezire. Look at the whole 415 00:19:06,241 --> 00:19:09,600 Speaker 1: concept of the Instagram reel, right. They made it so 416 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,961 Speaker 1: short because they knew that we as humans love novelty, 417 00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:15,200 Speaker 1: and so they. 418 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,721 Speaker 4: Give it to us like in sports and sports and sports. 419 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,960 Speaker 1: And what that does is it keeps us hooked and 420 00:19:20,001 --> 00:19:23,120 Speaker 1: hooked and hooked because we have spake after spike after spake. 421 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,401 Speaker 1: It is so toxic that they've done this to us 422 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,481 Speaker 1: knowing what they're doing, and we parents are now the victims, 423 00:19:30,481 --> 00:19:33,121 Speaker 1: and our children are the bigger victims. But we're all 424 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:37,481 Speaker 1: being victimized by a culture that is relentlessly profiting from 425 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,401 Speaker 1: our addiction, from our weaknesses. 426 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,121 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a scary thing, isn't it. It's a big 427 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,400 Speaker 2: topic for parents. I'd like to move on to raising 428 00:19:46,441 --> 00:19:48,961 Speaker 2: your voice and yelling. This is something that I talked 429 00:19:48,961 --> 00:19:50,641 Speaker 2: to a lot of parents in and I've been really 430 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,321 Speaker 2: open on our podcast because I grew up in a 431 00:19:52,321 --> 00:19:54,521 Speaker 2: household where yelling was basically the. 432 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:55,640 Speaker 5: Only form of communication. 433 00:19:56,201 --> 00:19:58,880 Speaker 2: So as I've grown, I've really had to learn how 434 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,361 Speaker 2: to regulate my nervous system and look at my own patterns, 435 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 2: and it's not often I will raise my voice, but 436 00:20:03,801 --> 00:20:06,041 Speaker 2: every now and again I do, and I feel an 437 00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:10,160 Speaker 2: immense amount of guilt and shame. I'm very fast repairing 438 00:20:10,201 --> 00:20:12,960 Speaker 2: and owning what I've done. I'm reassuring that it's not 439 00:20:13,041 --> 00:20:15,880 Speaker 2: their fault. But for parents that are regularly yelling and 440 00:20:15,921 --> 00:20:17,360 Speaker 2: they know it's not good for their parents, can you 441 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,720 Speaker 2: maybe talk about the damage it does to them and 442 00:20:19,761 --> 00:20:21,761 Speaker 2: what it does to our children's confidence and how it 443 00:20:21,801 --> 00:20:26,921 Speaker 2: makes them fear us and otherwise they can discipline without yelling. 444 00:20:27,201 --> 00:20:30,121 Speaker 4: Well, when yelling is chronic, now we have a problem. 445 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,321 Speaker 1: But there is no way a parent isn't going to 446 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,640 Speaker 1: yell for a moment or two every week. I mean, 447 00:20:34,681 --> 00:20:36,561 Speaker 1: it's just I mean, you're going to you know, part 448 00:20:36,561 --> 00:20:39,360 Speaker 1: of parenting is to raise our voice. But it's the 449 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:42,480 Speaker 1: pronicity of it, it's the intensity of it, it's the 450 00:20:42,561 --> 00:20:44,321 Speaker 1: duration of it, and then it's the. 451 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,960 Speaker 4: Lack of repair of it. So you don't have to worry. 452 00:20:47,041 --> 00:20:49,001 Speaker 1: You know, you're actually teaching them it's okay to be 453 00:20:49,001 --> 00:20:52,001 Speaker 1: flawed and imperfect and lose it. You're teaching them the 454 00:20:52,041 --> 00:20:56,001 Speaker 1: power of repair and accountability and owning it. It's invaluable. 455 00:20:56,001 --> 00:20:58,241 Speaker 1: Those are good lessons too. But when it is our 456 00:20:58,281 --> 00:21:01,281 Speaker 1: only go to like the fighter mask, right, we're fighting 457 00:21:01,281 --> 00:21:01,840 Speaker 1: about everything? 458 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,241 Speaker 4: Why are we fighting? Right? 459 00:21:03,561 --> 00:21:06,120 Speaker 1: That takes deeper in a world to go wow. I 460 00:21:06,201 --> 00:21:09,840 Speaker 1: literally raise my voice anytime I'm upset, even the slightest. 461 00:21:10,201 --> 00:21:11,920 Speaker 1: That parent needs to look at themselves in the mirror 462 00:21:11,921 --> 00:21:14,080 Speaker 1: and realize that they have developed this ego mask of 463 00:21:14,201 --> 00:21:17,400 Speaker 1: the fighter and they are dissociating from what's going on 464 00:21:17,481 --> 00:21:20,160 Speaker 1: really inside. They have to get in touch with them 465 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,561 Speaker 1: or that in a child with that nervous system, and 466 00:21:22,681 --> 00:21:26,561 Speaker 1: regulate and really center themselves in the present moment. 467 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:27,561 Speaker 5: It's the same with hitting. 468 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,400 Speaker 2: I've got a girlfriend that smacked her little boy a 469 00:21:29,441 --> 00:21:31,801 Speaker 2: couple of times, and I felt really triggered because I 470 00:21:31,801 --> 00:21:33,681 Speaker 2: got hit as a little girl, and it's just something 471 00:21:33,721 --> 00:21:35,880 Speaker 2: I promised myself I would never ever do to my kids, 472 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,440 Speaker 2: and I haven't done. I don't ever feel like I 473 00:21:37,481 --> 00:21:40,281 Speaker 2: want to be physical with them. But my husband said, 474 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,920 Speaker 2: have compassion for her, because I think when a parent hits, 475 00:21:43,321 --> 00:21:46,321 Speaker 2: it's when they're at that absolute peak. That's when they've 476 00:21:46,321 --> 00:21:49,881 Speaker 2: lost control. But it's still coming back to taking responsibility right, 477 00:21:49,921 --> 00:21:52,200 Speaker 2: of regulating your nervous system and not allowing yourself to 478 00:21:52,241 --> 00:21:54,801 Speaker 2: get to that point where you've lost or control. So 479 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,961 Speaker 2: what advice do you have for parents, because I'm guessing 480 00:21:57,001 --> 00:21:58,801 Speaker 2: it does come back to the right of the nervous 481 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:00,240 Speaker 2: system where it's at. 482 00:22:00,521 --> 00:22:02,601 Speaker 1: See, if you were to go and approach her, I'm 483 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,321 Speaker 1: not saying you should. I'm saying if you were to 484 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:07,120 Speaker 1: and you went to her with judgment, it would do 485 00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:10,561 Speaker 1: no good because she's actually judging herself. She's actually so 486 00:22:10,761 --> 00:22:13,761 Speaker 1: hard on herself, and she doesn't have the resources and 487 00:22:13,801 --> 00:22:14,401 Speaker 1: the skills. 488 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,600 Speaker 4: But if you went to her with compassion and said, 489 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:16,921 Speaker 4: you know. 490 00:22:17,321 --> 00:22:19,641 Speaker 1: I was a yellower, ey used to lose my shit too, 491 00:22:20,041 --> 00:22:23,121 Speaker 1: I totally understand. I saw this in my own family, 492 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,201 Speaker 1: and you know, I did this work on myself, and 493 00:22:26,281 --> 00:22:29,080 Speaker 1: this is how I'm helping myself. And here, take this book, 494 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:32,400 Speaker 1: The Conscious Baron, written by doctor Sheafali, and you can 495 00:22:32,481 --> 00:22:35,360 Speaker 1: gently heal you know, a little part of her that 496 00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:38,160 Speaker 1: feels ashamed but doesn't know where to go, you know. 497 00:22:38,281 --> 00:22:41,640 Speaker 1: And everyone gets scared to tell the yellow that they're yellow, 498 00:22:41,721 --> 00:22:44,921 Speaker 1: but actually they need to hear it with compassion, right, 499 00:22:44,961 --> 00:22:46,600 Speaker 1: they need to hear it. I remember I was once 500 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,720 Speaker 1: on vacation with my twelve year old daughter she was 501 00:22:48,721 --> 00:22:51,600 Speaker 1: twelve back then, and I saw father yelling at his 502 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,961 Speaker 1: little seven year old son and she was like, Mom, 503 00:22:55,001 --> 00:22:57,521 Speaker 1: don't go, don't go dose anything. And I was like, no, 504 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,241 Speaker 1: I have to. You know, if we all just collude 505 00:23:00,441 --> 00:23:04,041 Speaker 1: and allow because we're scared of the parents' retaliation, then 506 00:23:04,041 --> 00:23:06,321 Speaker 1: we'll never change it. With love and compassion, I said 507 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,760 Speaker 1: to him, you know you are damaging this child and 508 00:23:09,001 --> 00:23:11,321 Speaker 1: this will last for years and decades. 509 00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:12,640 Speaker 4: You don't want to do that. 510 00:23:12,681 --> 00:23:13,561 Speaker 5: How did he respond that? 511 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,120 Speaker 1: Literally his mouth was left open, and I said, you 512 00:23:16,241 --> 00:23:18,720 Speaker 1: have to stop hitting this floor boy right now. He 513 00:23:18,761 --> 00:23:20,480 Speaker 1: will be damaged and remember this for the rest of 514 00:23:20,521 --> 00:23:22,840 Speaker 1: his life. You cannot do this to him. 515 00:23:22,961 --> 00:23:23,761 Speaker 4: And then I ran. 516 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:26,281 Speaker 1: Away too because I was scared that he'd retaliate. But 517 00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:28,920 Speaker 1: while I was there, he just was just staring at me, 518 00:23:29,001 --> 00:23:32,080 Speaker 1: because I think he was taken aback a penny dropped 519 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:34,720 Speaker 1: for a little moment at least, that he needed to 520 00:23:34,801 --> 00:23:36,201 Speaker 1: interrupt his pattern. 521 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:37,080 Speaker 5: Because he would have been caught in that. 522 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:39,400 Speaker 3: He would have been as somebody is actively seeing me 523 00:23:39,441 --> 00:23:41,281 Speaker 3: in the behavior that I'm doing. When I imagine in 524 00:23:41,281 --> 00:23:43,640 Speaker 3: the moment, he would have been so engulfed in his 525 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,160 Speaker 3: rage in that moment that he couldn't see anything else, 526 00:23:46,521 --> 00:23:48,241 Speaker 3: let alone how exactly his son. 527 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,600 Speaker 2: I really admire you for interrupting him, because I do 528 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:52,161 Speaker 2: the opposite. 529 00:23:52,201 --> 00:23:53,201 Speaker 5: I get so scared. 530 00:23:53,521 --> 00:23:55,600 Speaker 2: My fear is if I interrupt a pattern like that, 531 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,561 Speaker 2: is that that'll make the parent more angry and they'll 532 00:23:58,600 --> 00:23:59,880 Speaker 2: take that out of the kid more. 533 00:24:00,441 --> 00:24:02,721 Speaker 5: So that's always my fear. But why when I see, yeah, and. 534 00:24:02,681 --> 00:24:06,121 Speaker 1: That could happen too, that that could happen. But I think, yeah, 535 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:08,120 Speaker 1: it's a judgment call. You know, I wouldn't do it 536 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,680 Speaker 1: all the time. I'd have to be smart about it. 537 00:24:10,761 --> 00:24:13,241 Speaker 1: I don't want to really, you know, in danger myself. 538 00:24:13,321 --> 00:24:15,440 Speaker 1: It's not worth it. But you know, you make a 539 00:24:15,441 --> 00:24:18,360 Speaker 1: call and you take a risk. But my basic point 540 00:24:18,441 --> 00:24:20,961 Speaker 1: is that we do need to check each other, and 541 00:24:21,041 --> 00:24:24,761 Speaker 1: we need to stop being so fragile about our preciousness. 542 00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:27,281 Speaker 1: That we're such precious parents And oh my god, nobody 543 00:24:27,321 --> 00:24:29,680 Speaker 1: loves my kid as much as me. Who cares if 544 00:24:29,681 --> 00:24:31,641 Speaker 1: you love your kid right now, you're damaging your kid. 545 00:24:31,761 --> 00:24:34,521 Speaker 1: I don't care what you think you feel about your kid. 546 00:24:34,521 --> 00:24:36,001 Speaker 1: It's the impact you're having on you. 547 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,281 Speaker 2: What about if a parent respond with the back to 548 00:24:38,321 --> 00:24:41,081 Speaker 2: the hitting or the yelling, Oh, that's the only way 549 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,161 Speaker 2: they listen to me. That's the only way that they'll 550 00:24:43,201 --> 00:24:44,921 Speaker 2: do what I tell them to do. That's just how 551 00:24:44,961 --> 00:24:45,561 Speaker 2: my kid is. 552 00:24:45,801 --> 00:24:47,521 Speaker 4: That's a really tough nut to crack. 553 00:24:47,561 --> 00:24:49,160 Speaker 1: And then you have to sit with them and show 554 00:24:49,201 --> 00:24:54,120 Speaker 1: them how they have set this up where the child 555 00:24:54,241 --> 00:24:58,360 Speaker 1: now is almost doing this out of self sabotage. If 556 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:02,360 Speaker 1: the child only listens this way in some way, you've 557 00:25:02,441 --> 00:25:05,721 Speaker 1: kind of just beaten the spirit out of your child too, right. 558 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:09,561 Speaker 1: I mean, it's just such a horrible, toxic, sad, tragic pattern. 559 00:25:10,201 --> 00:25:12,600 Speaker 1: And it's a lie that your child will only listen 560 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,160 Speaker 1: to you that way, because millions of us raise our 561 00:25:15,201 --> 00:25:18,160 Speaker 1: children albeit them and I'll listen to us perfectly, but 562 00:25:18,281 --> 00:25:21,481 Speaker 1: they listen eventually, and we haven't raised a finger on them. 563 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:23,840 Speaker 1: So there are other ways to do this. The parent 564 00:25:23,921 --> 00:25:27,201 Speaker 1: is lying to themselves because that's probably what their parents did, 565 00:25:27,321 --> 00:25:30,440 Speaker 1: and they're justifying in order to, you know, keep that 566 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,960 Speaker 1: guilt feeling from eating them up. 567 00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,001 Speaker 2: Yeah, and you hear comments like, well, it turned out 568 00:25:35,001 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 2: all right, But I think there's always things we can 569 00:25:36,801 --> 00:25:38,881 Speaker 2: do to improve the way that we parent, the way 570 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,761 Speaker 2: we show up. I mean, I've read your book The 571 00:25:40,801 --> 00:25:43,001 Speaker 2: Conscious Parent and it was one of the most amazing 572 00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:45,041 Speaker 2: books I've ever read. You've got other books as well, 573 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:46,321 Speaker 2: Do you want to tell us about those? 574 00:25:46,921 --> 00:25:49,801 Speaker 1: Yeah, So my latest one is called The Parenting Map, 575 00:25:50,241 --> 00:25:52,241 Speaker 1: and that's what I will be covering when I come 576 00:25:52,281 --> 00:25:55,121 Speaker 1: on tour in March. The concepts on that book, it's 577 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:58,240 Speaker 1: a step by step, twenty step journey to you know, 578 00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:03,000 Speaker 1: mastering your own triggers and really reconnecting with your child. 579 00:26:03,321 --> 00:26:06,120 Speaker 1: And it's a fantastic easy to read the parenting Maps 580 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:08,281 Speaker 1: that people should get that. But I have workshops, I 581 00:26:08,281 --> 00:26:11,521 Speaker 1: have a community, and in my community, for just sixteen 582 00:26:11,561 --> 00:26:14,440 Speaker 1: dollars a month, you get all my courses. So if 583 00:26:14,441 --> 00:26:16,801 Speaker 1: people want to binge on my courses, they should just 584 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,281 Speaker 1: join the community. And then of course I have a 585 00:26:19,281 --> 00:26:22,201 Speaker 1: coaching institute and I coach people to do the work 586 00:26:22,241 --> 00:26:26,600 Speaker 1: I do. And that's a flourishing institute where people become 587 00:26:26,721 --> 00:26:29,041 Speaker 1: certified coaches and go out into the world and have 588 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:30,801 Speaker 1: a career doing. 589 00:26:30,521 --> 00:26:31,080 Speaker 4: What I do. 590 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:34,801 Speaker 1: And I teach them every single method of mine to 591 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:35,840 Speaker 1: change families. 592 00:26:36,001 --> 00:26:36,521 Speaker 5: I love that. 593 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,161 Speaker 2: And then you're coming on tour. I know you said 594 00:26:38,241 --> 00:26:40,041 Speaker 2: I came to the last one. You were in Australia, 595 00:26:40,041 --> 00:26:42,720 Speaker 2: and I really loved how interactive you were with the audience. 596 00:26:42,721 --> 00:26:44,840 Speaker 2: You got people up on stage and you gave examples, 597 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,321 Speaker 2: and you broke people down and you helped us understand. 598 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,761 Speaker 2: And I remember you being met with a lot of 599 00:26:49,801 --> 00:26:53,441 Speaker 2: resistance from parents, but eventually once their guard came down, 600 00:26:53,481 --> 00:26:55,480 Speaker 2: they were like, oh my gosh, and there was tears 601 00:26:55,481 --> 00:26:58,761 Speaker 2: and massive breakthroughs. Is that the similar kind of experience 602 00:26:58,761 --> 00:27:00,680 Speaker 2: you'll be holding when you come in March as well? 603 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:01,001 Speaker 1: Well? 604 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:04,360 Speaker 4: Yes, very interactive Q and A people on stage. Hopefully. 605 00:27:04,681 --> 00:27:07,041 Speaker 1: What's the most important part of my work, I think 606 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:12,400 Speaker 1: is that every parent will leave with a radically awakened 607 00:27:12,521 --> 00:27:16,241 Speaker 1: paradigm shift. And that's what we want. We don't want 608 00:27:16,281 --> 00:27:20,001 Speaker 1: to just give tools and scripts, but you fundamentally stay 609 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:23,160 Speaker 1: the same. This is not about, you know, just filling 610 00:27:23,201 --> 00:27:25,801 Speaker 1: in a different kind of gas in the car. This 611 00:27:25,961 --> 00:27:29,600 Speaker 1: is about completely reworking the frame. And that's what I 612 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:33,601 Speaker 1: offer parents, a whole new different way of looking at 613 00:27:33,681 --> 00:27:37,480 Speaker 1: your relationship as a parent to your own parents and 614 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,201 Speaker 1: truly reimagining that relationship. 615 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:41,721 Speaker 5: That's so beautiful. 616 00:27:41,721 --> 00:27:43,761 Speaker 3: I think it gives a lot of new parents as well, 617 00:27:44,281 --> 00:27:46,841 Speaker 3: like anyone who is already a parent who already has 618 00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:49,400 Speaker 3: been through the seasons of challenges their face. And also 619 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,761 Speaker 3: any women or families who haven't yet had children but 620 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 3: know that there's a different way of parenting. You know 621 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:56,681 Speaker 3: that it doesn't have to be the way that they 622 00:27:56,721 --> 00:27:59,240 Speaker 3: grew up and what they learned and the impact that 623 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,561 Speaker 3: was left on them. Like they get to choose how 624 00:28:02,561 --> 00:28:04,121 Speaker 3: they leave a mark on their children and it gets 625 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:05,880 Speaker 3: to be better than what they experience, and I think 626 00:28:05,961 --> 00:28:06,960 Speaker 3: that's so beautiful. 627 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:11,801 Speaker 1: Exactly exactly, And on my podcast which drops every Tuesday, 628 00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:17,361 Speaker 1: I do coaching sessions with real life cases in real time, unedited, unscripted, 629 00:28:17,761 --> 00:28:20,281 Speaker 1: so if people just want to understand what they can 630 00:28:20,321 --> 00:28:22,840 Speaker 1: do with a host of situations, right, I have parents 631 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:24,960 Speaker 1: who are coming in with teenagers, I have divorced couples, 632 00:28:25,001 --> 00:28:27,761 Speaker 1: I have step parents have so it's like you get 633 00:28:27,761 --> 00:28:30,481 Speaker 1: to see a whole gamut of clients who come into 634 00:28:30,521 --> 00:28:35,321 Speaker 1: my podcast sessions and parents can really relate because it's 635 00:28:35,441 --> 00:28:36,960 Speaker 1: unfolding in the present moment. 636 00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:37,920 Speaker 5: It's really cool. 637 00:28:38,121 --> 00:28:39,961 Speaker 2: It's cool that you've got so many different ways where 638 00:28:40,001 --> 00:28:42,041 Speaker 2: parents can learn. So, whether you're a reader or you 639 00:28:42,121 --> 00:28:44,801 Speaker 2: love listening to podcasts, you do live events, you've got coaches, 640 00:28:45,241 --> 00:28:48,601 Speaker 2: You've got a subscription like how you learn. Yeah, there's 641 00:28:48,641 --> 00:28:50,561 Speaker 2: so many ways that they can have access to what 642 00:28:50,641 --> 00:28:52,921 Speaker 2: you do. And I think, as a parent myself, I'm 643 00:28:52,921 --> 00:28:54,481 Speaker 2: always wanting to be better for my kids. 644 00:28:54,561 --> 00:28:54,681 Speaker 5: You know. 645 00:28:54,761 --> 00:28:56,881 Speaker 2: You hear parents say I would do anything for my kid, 646 00:28:57,201 --> 00:28:59,361 Speaker 2: But would you really would you go to that extent 647 00:28:59,441 --> 00:29:02,240 Speaker 2: of like healing your own traumas and triggers so that 648 00:29:02,321 --> 00:29:03,201 Speaker 2: you can show up better? 649 00:29:03,441 --> 00:29:06,321 Speaker 5: Like would you really do anything? Like would you do this? Yeah? 650 00:29:06,521 --> 00:29:07,441 Speaker 5: Where can everyone find? 651 00:29:07,521 --> 00:29:11,281 Speaker 1: Yeah? Exactly on Instagram It's doctor Sheffie spelled out d 652 00:29:11,561 --> 00:29:14,441 Speaker 1: C T R S E G F Ali. And then 653 00:29:14,441 --> 00:29:17,921 Speaker 1: my website is doctor Badr Shaffali dot com. 654 00:29:18,041 --> 00:29:18,561 Speaker 5: Amazing. 655 00:29:19,081 --> 00:29:21,601 Speaker 2: We will link your website and the link to your 656 00:29:21,721 --> 00:29:23,960 Speaker 2: tickets for your live event coming to Australia, coming to 657 00:29:23,961 --> 00:29:24,841 Speaker 2: Sydney and Melbourne. 658 00:29:24,921 --> 00:29:27,601 Speaker 1: Correct, Yes, I'm so excited. 659 00:29:27,361 --> 00:29:27,921 Speaker 5: So cool. 660 00:29:27,961 --> 00:29:29,881 Speaker 2: We'll look everything in the show notes below and just 661 00:29:29,881 --> 00:29:31,761 Speaker 2: thank you so much for your time and your wisdom today. 662 00:29:31,801 --> 00:29:33,681 Speaker 2: I'm sure any parent listening to this will get so 663 00:29:33,761 --> 00:29:36,441 Speaker 2: much out of it and will yeah, see you in March. 664 00:29:36,801 --> 00:29:38,281 Speaker 4: Well, thank you, guys, thank you so. 665 00:29:38,321 --> 00:29:39,641 Speaker 1: Much, thank you, thank you. 666 00:29:39,681 --> 00:29:41,241 Speaker 5: Bye,