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Speaker 1: I'll get atm. Welcome to another installment you project. The

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Speaker 1: Coyle Adel from the Thriving Metropolis from the Sunshine State

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Speaker 1: is back the PhD wonder kinned lounder kinned the accidental

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Speaker 1: a little bit like Jumbo Harps the accidental PhD student.

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Speaker 1: How are you?

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Speaker 2: I'm good? I'm good.

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Speaker 1: Is it beautiful up there? Where it's down here on

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Speaker 1: the Thriving Metropolis and Melbourne? It's Tuesday night. I feel

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Speaker 1: like I'm back on radio. It's two minutes past six

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Speaker 1: and it's still about eighteen degrees. Actually, let me tell

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Speaker 1: you right now, I'm going to tell you at eighteen

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Speaker 1: oh two in Melbourne, right well, in Hampton it's twenty

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Speaker 1: two degrees and it's like it's the most beautiful atom ever.

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Speaker 1: What is it? What is it up there?

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Speaker 2: We're having Melbourne weather.

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Speaker 3: It's like one minute it's sunny and then it just

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Speaker 3: pisces down with rain for about five minutes.

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Speaker 2: Then it stopped. It's currently twenty one.

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Speaker 1: Well sucked in. You should move to the Sunshine Stadium

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Speaker 1: also known as Victoria. Anyway, enough for that. How are you?

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Speaker 1: How are things good?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm good. Things are good.

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Speaker 1: Now this is your second time on the show. You

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Speaker 1: had a lot of good feedback about you last time,

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Speaker 1: so let's not do obviously the previous show again. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: anything that I fuck up, so just filling in. Do

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Speaker 1: you remember what number your last episode was, give or

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Speaker 1: take if? Well, we got lots.

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Speaker 2: Of red in ten seconds, all right.

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Speaker 1: You did that and not talk, So we got lots

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Speaker 1: of We had lots of really nice feedback about Nicole.

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Speaker 1: And I meet this with complete love and respect. I

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Speaker 1: love it when we get someone on the show that

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Speaker 1: no one's ever heard of in inverted comments, do you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like, of course you know people

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Speaker 1: know of Like, you don't have a brand, you don't

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Speaker 1: have a profile, you're not famous. But we got more

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Speaker 1: good feedback, more positive kind of input about you than

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Speaker 1: probably ninety five percent of our episodes. And I think

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Speaker 1: that is because you're relatable and your story is relatable,

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Speaker 1: and you know, lots of shit in your life, lots

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Speaker 1: of good stuff, lots of peaks and lots of troughs.

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Speaker 1: And now at the right pole age of what are

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Speaker 1: you now? Forty one? Fifty two? Fucking hell, you are

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Speaker 1: a dinosaur. Fifty two.

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Speaker 2: I'm actually you know, I'm fifty two in a couple

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Speaker 2: of weeks.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I actually did think you're any forties well, and

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Speaker 1: at fifty two, I nutlike someone else, we know you're

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Speaker 1: doing you're doing your PhD. But yeah, so go you.

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Speaker 1: And I think one of the things I love about

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Speaker 1: this kind of format is that, you know, I love

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Speaker 1: I love talking to you know, people who are a

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Speaker 1: big deal and people have done bloody incredible stuff and

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Speaker 1: been at the Olympics and written amazing books and cubed

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Speaker 1: cancer and you know, yeah, Forest, and that's great, and

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Speaker 1: it really is. And those people are, you know, inspirational

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Speaker 1: in their own right. But I find, you know, like

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Speaker 1: people like you who really you were in a hard spot,

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Speaker 1: a real hard spot, and nobody picked you up, and

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Speaker 1: nobody like you just figured it out. So yeah, what

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Speaker 1: episode was it?

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Speaker 2: One seven two?

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Speaker 1: One seven two? All right, So if you like this episode,

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Speaker 1: which hopefully you will, go back and have and listen

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Speaker 1: to their original and you can hear the fully detailed

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Speaker 1: version of the cold story. But so, how's the PhD going?

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Speaker 1: What's what stage are you at? How far in are you?

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Speaker 2: I am confirmation is happening in June.

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Speaker 3: I haven't got a confirmed date yet, but I'm hoping

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Speaker 3: for the seventeenth of June for confirmation made. Confirmation report

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Speaker 3: is out external reviewers, My ethics for my first study is.

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Speaker 2: Out with the peer reviewer.

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Speaker 3: I'm probably going to submit my first paper in the next.

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Speaker 2: Three or four weeks.

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Speaker 1: Wow. Wow, I'm about to tell people. Tell people what firstly,

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Speaker 1: what academic milestones are? Do you call them? That? Is

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Speaker 1: that what you call so academic milestones? And specifically confirmation

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Speaker 1: because ninety five percent of people, their idea of confirmation

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Speaker 1: is a different thing to what you're talking about.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so it's a really interesting one because I didn't

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Speaker 3: It took me a little while to get my head

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Speaker 3: around how the whole thing works. So I've been doing

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Speaker 3: my PhD for twelve months, but I'm technically not a

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Speaker 3: PhD candidate yet.

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Speaker 2: Until I'm confirmed.

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Speaker 3: So it's taken me twelve months to to get to

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Speaker 3: get to the point where so the confirmation is basically

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Speaker 3: you're putting your research proposal forward to external reviewers for

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Speaker 3: them to say, yes, it's viable, you can go ahead.

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Speaker 3: And so once you get confirmed, then you become a

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Speaker 3: PhD official PhD candidate and that's when you do your

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Speaker 3: actual studies.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yeah, and along the way. I don't know

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Speaker 1: how it is. Are you at the University of Southern

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Speaker 1: Queensland or something, Sunshine Coast, Sunshine Coast and so like

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Speaker 1: in my PhD there's four academic milestones and putting it

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Speaker 1: in I don't know about yours, but putting it in

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Speaker 1: layman's terms and like easy understand language. It's like going

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Speaker 1: to court and you've got to stand before a bunch

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Speaker 1: of people that you don't know, and you've got to go,

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Speaker 1: this is what I'm doing it. This is what I'm doing,

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Speaker 1: this is why I'm doing it, this is how I'm

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Speaker 1: doing it, this is what it's been done. That's kind

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Speaker 1: of related to my research. This is why the world

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Speaker 1: needs my research. This is how it's different. And then

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Speaker 1: they bombard you with questions and you go, fuck, I

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Speaker 1: didn't think of that, and they go, you really should,

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Speaker 1: and then they ask you a few things that you know.

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Speaker 4: And I've never felt as a professional speaker, I've never

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Speaker 4: felt more inadequate, more insecure, more stupid, more And you

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Speaker 4: know what's interesting, Nick.

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Speaker 1: Is that, I mean, you've seen me speak many times, right,

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Speaker 1: I'm okay, I'm not saying I'm the best, but I'm

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Speaker 1: okay at it. And put me in front of a

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Speaker 1: thousand people, I'm calm and I'm confident. Put me in

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Speaker 1: front of three thousand, I'm calm and confident. Right, Put

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Speaker 1: me in front of four professors or three or whatever

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Speaker 1: it is and a couple of external people, and I

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Speaker 1: felt so underprepared, so underwhelming for them. And anyway, I

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Speaker 1: got through all there's four of them in my course.

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Speaker 1: I got through all four. But I found it terrifying.

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Speaker 3: But yeah, well, I mean, I think the scary thing

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Speaker 3: is that you're presenting a gap in the research and

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Speaker 3: the people that you're sitting in front of experts in

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Speaker 3: that field. So you're kind of saying, like, I'm you're

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Speaker 3: new to a field of research, and you're trying to

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Speaker 3: tell people, you know, the people that have been doing

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Speaker 3: it for years, that there's a gap and you want

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Speaker 3: to fill it.

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Speaker 2: And so.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it is, Yeah, but you'll be fine.

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Speaker 5: And also they know you're you know, you're a brand

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Speaker 5: new student. They don't expect you to be them, you know.

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Speaker 5: And the people that reviewed me, they were you know,

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Speaker 5: they were not. I mean, the funny thing is.

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Speaker 1: The like I was, I didn't think on any level

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Speaker 1: I was anything special anyway, which is neither sh but

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Speaker 1: is more of you know, like I often go somewhere

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Speaker 1: and I'm talking and you get fussed over and you're

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Speaker 1: the guy, and people you know look after you a bit.

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Speaker 1: So there's a little bit of a tension all that.

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Speaker 1: And it's funny in this situation. You are, well, you're

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Speaker 1: slightly more than a number, you know, your student even one, three, two,

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Speaker 1: four six, and you're doing you know, a doctorate in

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Speaker 1: this or a PhD need that, blah blah blah, blah blah.

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Speaker 1: And the appointment time is twelve thirty and we've got

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Speaker 1: this long in these people and ready set. And by

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Speaker 1: the way, I don't know about you, but we have

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Speaker 1: we have to do a twenty minute PowerPoint presentation. I

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Speaker 1: fucking power point, right, I'd rather punch myself in the face.

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Speaker 1: I'm no good and all of the things, all of

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Speaker 1: the things that I'm good at or that I'm skilled

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Speaker 1: at because I've done it for a long time, are

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Speaker 1: redundant in that situation. So being funny, building connect building rapport,

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Speaker 1: freestyling and living, you know, just reading the room. It's

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Speaker 1: all doesn't mean shit, Like just tell shut the fuck up.

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Speaker 1: We don't care how funny you are. We don't care

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Speaker 1: if you've got a million followers on this or that.

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Speaker 1: We don't care. Just tell us about the research. We're busy,

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Speaker 1: We're busy. Hurry.

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Speaker 6: So yeah, yeah, So it's nerve wracking, But I'm also

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Speaker 6: excited to get past confirmation because it means I can

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Speaker 6: get stuck into the start recruiting for the studies.

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Speaker 1: And what are the misconceptions that people have had? I

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Speaker 1: could bang on, but it's it's about you. But that

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Speaker 1: where that people don't understandably, by the way, this is

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Speaker 1: not being critical of anyone, because I didn't understand it.

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Speaker 1: P actually really actize that. I'm like, oh, this is

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Speaker 1: I don't really know what I thought. But what are

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Speaker 1: some of the misconceptions that people have when they ask

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Speaker 1: you about your research or the PhD journey? Or because

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Speaker 1: I've been asked some hilarious questions.

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Speaker 3: I had a friend like, so, I started the PhD

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Speaker 3: in March last year and she said to me, just recently.

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Speaker 2: Have you have you finished that yet?

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Speaker 6: No?

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Speaker 2: And I think in her.

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Speaker 3: Mind it was just an assignment, you know, like I

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Speaker 3: was a twelve thousand word assignment or something or I

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Speaker 3: don't know, and I went, no, it's a it's a three.

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Speaker 3: She goes, oh, it's an actual degree. I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's a it's a minimum of three years and I've

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Speaker 3: got to conduct you know, three or four research studies

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Speaker 3: and write papers. And she's like, oh, so, and like

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Speaker 3: you said, I didn't I didn't know. I didn't even

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Speaker 3: know the difference between a postgrad and an undergrad degree.

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Speaker 3: So I the PhD for me, I had no idea

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Speaker 3: what it was. But fortunately, working in the research center

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Speaker 3: at the Union during my undergrad I kind of.

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Speaker 2: Surrounded by people who have PhD, so.

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Speaker 3: I kind of, you know, I did have a little

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Speaker 3: bit of an advantage there because I was, you know,

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Speaker 3: surrounded by people in who were doing it.

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Speaker 2: So and still am.

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Speaker 3: So I've still got lots of people that I can go, hey,

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Speaker 3: how did you navigate this?

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Speaker 2: But yeah, which is really good.

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Speaker 1: And I think what people a lot of people don't realize,

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Speaker 1: neither did I right as a PhD student, especially when

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Speaker 1: you're doing it it's a research PhD. Where like, there

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Speaker 1: are no classes, there is no there are out a

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Speaker 1: whole of that. There are no terms, there are semesters,

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Speaker 1: you don't have teachers per se, there are no exams,

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Speaker 1: you don't hand it work. You kind of do, but

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Speaker 1: you don't really And it's like, oh is people when

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Speaker 1: people go to meet, oh is do you have UNI

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Speaker 1: this week? Like when that's like.

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Speaker 7: I go home, Easter Saturday is just Saturday, you know,

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Speaker 7: it's like yeah, people around. There are literally people in

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Speaker 7: my lab, the you know, brain park, the neuroscience neurocyc lab.

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Speaker 1: There are literally people at UNI on Christmas Day. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: we're working.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, all the public holidays we've had.

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Speaker 3: I got excited about them because it gave me more

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Speaker 3: time to work on my PhD.

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Speaker 8: Yeah yeah, yeah, it's yeah, so the idea that and

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Speaker 8: then they're like, well how do you get And you go, well,

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Speaker 8: you're trying to explain to people that we actually design

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Speaker 8: this whole kind of research process and find you.

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Speaker 1: Know, driven by questions that really haven't been answered in

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Speaker 1: this area or fully answered, or we're expanding on someone

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Speaker 1: else's work or opening kind of a relatively new door.

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Speaker 1: It's like, oh, so you design the study, you get

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Speaker 1: ethical approval, you find a venue, you get your participants,

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Speaker 1: you do the thing, then you get the data. Then

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Speaker 1: you try and figure out what the fuck that data means,

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Speaker 1: and then you want to write about it and then

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Speaker 1: you hopefully you find something interesting and valuable. If not, well,

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Speaker 1: you know, it is what it is. And then yeah,

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Speaker 1: but the idea that you rock up and you do

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Speaker 1: a you know, you sit in a lecture and take notes,

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Speaker 1: or you know, you hand in an assignment at the

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Speaker 1: end of every semester or this or that. Yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: a very very you know, I think in general terms,

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Speaker 1: I don't know too much about too many of the

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Speaker 1: other kind of areas of research, but especially in science,

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Speaker 1: especially in the space that you and I in's like

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Speaker 1: you're doing it's primarily aren't you right, Yeah, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you've got to. I mean, you've just got to be very,

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Speaker 1: very self motivated. And I think I also think and

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Speaker 1: this is encouraging for people who think I'm too dumb

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Speaker 1: to and I'm not saying it's it's definitely not easy,

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Speaker 1: of course, but you don't have to you think, oh,

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Speaker 1: you must be a genius to do a PhD. No,

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Speaker 1: you've just got to be resilient and you've just got

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Speaker 1: to and you've just got to be able to do

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Speaker 1: the work. And it's like I think it's more about

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Speaker 1: your capacity to do work and get uncomfortable and keep

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Speaker 1: doing work and keep getting uncomfortable, and keep asking questions

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Speaker 1: and getting a bit embarrassed and getting a bit insecure

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Speaker 1: and learning a bit and you know, rather than are

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Speaker 1: you a genius and can you get a doctorate in whatever?

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Speaker 6: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: I know, I one hundred percent agree with that.

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Speaker 3: I don't think it's got anything to do with I mean,

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Speaker 3: obviously you have to have a level of intelligence and

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Speaker 3: you know, to have you know, some critical thinking skills

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Speaker 3: and all that sort of thing. But it's more about

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Speaker 3: being organized. Can you manage your time? Can you get

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Speaker 3: up every time you get knocked down? Which is a lot.

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Speaker 3: It's a real test of I think it's a real

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Speaker 3: test of I want to say resilience, But it's more

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Speaker 3: than that.

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Speaker 2: It's like.

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Speaker 3: If you're if you're doing a PhD because you want

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Speaker 3: to be a doctor, or you're doing it because you

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Speaker 3: want to be able to have that conversation at a

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Speaker 3: barbecue and say, well, you know, then you'll you'll probably

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Speaker 3: not do it, like, you probably won't finish it because

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Speaker 3: if it's for the external thing, then you'll you'll fall

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Speaker 3: over before you even get through the first eight months,

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Speaker 3: because if you're looking for external validation and pats on

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Speaker 3: the back, you're just not going to get.

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Speaker 1: Und People have already said to me, can we call

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Speaker 1: you doctor Hart like joking but kind of serious but joking.

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Speaker 1: I go, no, you can't. And even when you can,

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Speaker 1: you can't. I don't want anyone. I'm not being self

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Speaker 1: deprecating or humble. I do not want anyone to call

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Speaker 1: me that. Like it's okay, I'm glad, I'll.

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Speaker 2: Get Hopefully it feels a bit, doesn't it.

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Speaker 1: I don't want it at all. Like, it doesn't. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't doesn't suit my personality, doesn't suit me. You know,

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Speaker 1: if I'm being brutally honest and transparent, it certainly doesn't

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Speaker 1: hurt when you're working with organizations and companies to go

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Speaker 1: oh with. You know that our next speaker is doctor

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Speaker 1: Craig Harper, bah bah bah cool to an audience who

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Speaker 1: don't know you, and then that's cool, but in my

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Speaker 1: general life and fuck no, I don't. I don't want that.

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Speaker 2: So and I think that's you.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you use it as a leverage, so you know,

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Speaker 3: it'll it'll look good on my resume, it'll look good

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Speaker 3: on my LinkedIn profile. It'll you know, if I want

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Speaker 3: it's the credibility.

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Speaker 2: To get me.

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Speaker 3: If I want to get to somewhere, and having that

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Speaker 3: helps me get there, then you know, then I'll call

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Speaker 3: myself doctor.

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Speaker 1: But that in that moment just remind us. So you

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Speaker 1: anything I fuck up, just correct me, right. But I remember,

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Speaker 1: if I remember correctly, when you did your undergrad one

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Speaker 1: of your friends kind of loaned you a few bucks

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Speaker 1: to be able to even apply or something because you

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Speaker 1: were in I think we call it technically up financial

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Speaker 1: shit creek at the time, and your life wasn't going great.

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Speaker 1: You were carrying a few pounds and you're making no

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Speaker 1: money and you're feeling like dogshit, which is understandable. When

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Speaker 1: was that? What year was that? So twenty twenty five,

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Speaker 1: now what year was that?

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Speaker 3: I would say it kind of hit a real peak

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Speaker 3: around twenty fifteen twenty sixteen, So I started my undergrad

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Speaker 3: at mid twenty sixteen, and I was pretty much, yeah,

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Speaker 3: that was I was at that point where people were

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Speaker 3: buying groceries for me, because wow, that's where we were.

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Speaker 9: Yeah, would you say, I mean, how without going over

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Speaker 9: too much stuff that we've covered, but it was quite

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Speaker 9: a while ago, so and I interviewed you, and I'm

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Speaker 9: still foggy on shit, but I've interviewed a million people since.

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Speaker 1: But how would you describe your situation or your life

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Speaker 1: at that time.

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Speaker 3: The first way that comes to mind is helpless, like hopeless,

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Speaker 3: you know, like just I'd probably say defeated, like there

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Speaker 3: was this real sense of like is it you know,

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Speaker 3: like just I couldn't see a way out? Wow, yeah

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Speaker 3: it was.

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Speaker 1: I was going to say I was going to do

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Speaker 1: something sorry to go and finish that apologize.

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Speaker 2: No, I was just gonna say it was pretty bad,

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Speaker 2: Like I did.

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Speaker 3: Feel like, I mean, I think I've always had this

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Speaker 3: kind of I've always had an internal drive to want more,

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Speaker 3: but I was feeling like no matter what I did,

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Speaker 3: nothing was changing.

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Speaker 1: At this stage. You're in your forties, you're forty two,

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Speaker 1: it's true.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah around there, and.

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Speaker 1: You don't have a degree, and you've got no dough

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Speaker 1: and people are buying their groceries and you were not

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Speaker 1: super healthy physically at that stage.

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Speaker 2: No, And I wouldn't say my mental health was very

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Speaker 2: good either, to be honest.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, we were Okay, okay, did you ever get

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Speaker 1: feel free to not answer anything you don't want to answer.

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Speaker 1: Did you ever get diagnosed with anxiety or depression or like,

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Speaker 1: was that ever a thing for you?

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Speaker 6: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: I had.

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Speaker 3: I was diagnosed with CPTSD, which along with that was

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Speaker 3: the anxiety and some depression as well.

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Speaker 1: So but it was TSD.

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Speaker 2: So complex complex post traumatic stress.

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Speaker 1: Wow?

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Speaker 6: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: And so did you also feel free to I what

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Speaker 1: I love about these conversations and hate like I don't

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Speaker 1: want to go anywhere you don't want to go, so

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Speaker 1: shut me down with Yeah? Did you did you ever

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Speaker 1: think that it would get as good as it's got?

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Speaker 6: Now?

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Speaker 1: I know that your life's not seamless and perfect, but

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Speaker 1: like I've known you on and offer like we've never

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Speaker 1: been best is, but we know each other and you know,

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Speaker 1: like I've known you for quite a while. You came

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Speaker 1: to some of my events. You live in Queensland and

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Speaker 1: comes to Queensland talking with I think you drove me

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Speaker 1: to or from the airport at once or like, so

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Speaker 1: we know each other, but me you've seen I don't know,

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Speaker 1: there's an energy and a lightness and an optimism and

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Speaker 1: a confidence about you that you know, not lego, but

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Speaker 1: that just you didn't have.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think.

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Speaker 3: I was thinking about this today because I was having

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Speaker 3: a chat with my son, because we have some pretty

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Speaker 3: deep conversations, and I just I feel like I've just

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Speaker 3: earned my.

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Speaker 2: Place at the table now, like I just of life, yeah, like.

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Speaker 3: And not from yeah, just because I've not for there's

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Speaker 3: nothing magical about it, all fantastical about it. I've just

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Speaker 3: it did the hard things and it paid off. And

380
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Speaker 3: so there's this intrinsic kind of thing that comes along

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Speaker 3: with that that you can't money can't buy, yes, and

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Speaker 3: it's just this Yeah, I don't know how else to

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Speaker 3: explain it. It's like the intrinsic reward for me is

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Speaker 3: more than anything external. So any label, any amount of

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Speaker 3: money or any you know, accolades is nice, but it

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Speaker 3: actually it's just that's just the cherry on top for

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Speaker 3: how I feel like you're kind of you know, maybe

388
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Speaker 3: cry out, but yeah, So there's this this intrinsic kind

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Speaker 3: of thing where I'm like, I deserve to be here.

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Speaker 3: I've earned my place at the table of life because

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Speaker 3: I've done it and no one can take it because

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Speaker 3: you know that I have a lot in my life

393
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Speaker 3: felt like things get taken from me, you know, and

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Speaker 3: it's if if you have a really solid sense of self,

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Speaker 3: then it can't be taken.

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Speaker 2: You can't.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know if this is exactly the right question,

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Speaker 1: but it's in the ballpark, and it's going to sound

399
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:27,840
Speaker 1: like a cynical, even negative question. I don't meant it

400
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:31,879
Speaker 1: to be. But is it nice to not Is it

401
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:36,440
Speaker 1: nice to be able to not depend on anyone? To

402
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:40,880
Speaker 1: be totally self sufficient? No, I'm not saying you don't

403
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Speaker 1: want anyone else in your life where you're not might

404
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:45,840
Speaker 1: not fall and live happily ever after. I'm not saying that,

405
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:53,400
Speaker 1: but just to be totally practically, financially, emotionally self sufficient,

406
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,960
Speaker 1: where yeah, of course you want you know, you want

407
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Speaker 1: connection and love and socialization and whatever may it come.

408
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,640
Speaker 1: It's good not to be dependent on someone.

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00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:08,119
Speaker 3: Yeah, one hundred percent. And this was the exact conversation

410
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Speaker 3: I was having with my son earlier. And it's like,

411
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Speaker 3: sometimes I do I mean, I've been now I'm probably oversharing,

412
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Speaker 3: but I've been single now for probably close to i'd say,

413
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Speaker 3: eight nine years, so there are times where I go

414
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Speaker 3: it would be nice, but it's.

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Speaker 2: Not like my life is so.

416
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Speaker 3: Full and rich and anything that or most things that

417
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Speaker 3: I would get out of a relationship, I get from

418
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Speaker 3: my friendships or my connection with my children, or the

419
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:50,240
Speaker 3: valuable work, you know, the research.

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Speaker 2: That we're doing. And there's so much that I am.

421
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Speaker 3: I'm like fully independent, but not so independent that I'm

422
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Speaker 3: an island and I'm disc connected from people, like I

423
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:11,159
Speaker 3: have some really meaningful, rich relationships with people, and my

424
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:15,240
Speaker 3: life's good, like I'm and I was talking to a

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Speaker 3: friend of mine the other day, you know, like the

426
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Speaker 3: reality is that the choices that I've made and where

427
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Speaker 3: my life has been over the years, financially, you know,

428
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Speaker 3: I was married, we had property, we had you know,

429
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Speaker 3: we had a we were building this financial future.

430
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Speaker 2: It fell apart, it all went to shit.

431
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Speaker 3: Then there's a good chance I may not ever buy

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Speaker 3: property or own my own home again. And there's a

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Speaker 3: good chance that I will not ever get you know,

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Speaker 3: in being in a long term relationship again. But none

435
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Speaker 3: of that that doesn't even matter, because I'm still the

436
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:54,840
Speaker 3: happiest I've ever been because I don't know, it's just

437
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,600
Speaker 3: like those other things are are.

438
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:01,160
Speaker 2: Good, but it's not that I think.

439
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:05,359
Speaker 1: Also, and this is two fucking old single people talking,

440
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:10,800
Speaker 1: So don't pay attention to anything we say, and also

441
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,520
Speaker 1: don't consider it advice for sure.

442
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,600
Speaker 2: No it's not no, no, not it no.

443
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:20,840
Speaker 1: But I think one of the interesting things is in

444
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:26,120
Speaker 1: our culture I'm speaking generally, but we assume that being

445
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:31,240
Speaker 1: in a relationship is better than not. Well, have you

446
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:35,440
Speaker 1: had a look around? I mean, are you paying attention?

447
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:40,280
Speaker 1: Because there are a lot of fucking horrible, toxic, unhealthy,

448
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:45,359
Speaker 1: destructive relationships and that's not being negative, that's being an observer.

449
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:51,320
Speaker 1: There are also some beautiful, amazing, you know, loving, compassionate

450
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,440
Speaker 1: and passionate relationships too. But what it is to say,

451
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,760
Speaker 1: it's it's it's just saying that you know this plus

452
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:02,600
Speaker 1: this doesn't necessary verily automatically equal that you know. And

453
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:07,960
Speaker 1: so the assumption that Nicole, oh, you're this or you're that,

454
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:11,119
Speaker 1: but how much better would your life be with you know,

455
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:15,600
Speaker 1: Brian or Dave or Scott or Barry, And the answer is, well,

456
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:21,359
Speaker 1: it could be fucking worse, you know. Yeah, yeah, I

457
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:26,159
Speaker 1: mean I don't know. I'm the same. It's like, you

458
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:31,960
Speaker 1: know what I get this that such a waste, such

459
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:37,280
Speaker 1: a waste. Ah, I'm like, what do you mean? And

460
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 1: then like you know, I literally had a lady tell

461
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:44,040
Speaker 1: me this right about two years ago, like well meaning,

462
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:48,320
Speaker 1: And I said to her, you know, she she kind

463
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:52,200
Speaker 1: of cornered me at the cafe. I literally sit in

464
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,840
Speaker 1: the corner with my coffee and she's nice and she

465
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,280
Speaker 1: didn't you know, And I said to her she was

466
00:27:57,480 --> 00:28:00,480
Speaker 1: drilling me, which I fucking hate. But anyway, oh, why

467
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:03,240
Speaker 1: had and how coming? Didn't you ever? And wasn't there anyone?

468
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:03,680
Speaker 1: And none?

469
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 6: All that?

470
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,120
Speaker 1: Right, I'm like, fuck, I don't want to be rude.

471
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:12,000
Speaker 1: And I said, look, honestly, I said, you might not

472
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,280
Speaker 1: believe this, but I really like my life. I have

473
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:19,679
Speaker 1: great friends, I have great connection, you know, like I

474
00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:23,119
Speaker 1: have purpose. I try to live my values. My work

475
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:26,480
Speaker 1: is very meaningful. I have you know, da da da.

476
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:30,200
Speaker 1: And I said, I'm you know, I'm really really good.

477
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 1: And she goes, you tell yourself that.

478
00:28:33,119 --> 00:28:33,199
Speaker 5: Like.

479
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:37,879
Speaker 1: She was trying to tell me that I'm pretending that

480
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:41,200
Speaker 1: I'm happy. She goes, no, you just tell yourself that

481
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 1: to make yourself feel good because you don't want to

482
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:47,640
Speaker 1: deal with I'm like, oh my god, anyway, I'm not

483
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:48,920
Speaker 1: going to think what they're going to think.

484
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:52,440
Speaker 2: Well, And it's interesting because a lot of people go.

485
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,480
Speaker 3: There must be something because you know, it's women are

486
00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,840
Speaker 3: supposed to want to be single or to be okay

487
00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 3: with being single. Yeah, there must be something wrong with you.

488
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:07,960
Speaker 3: So it's almost it's almost now become a red flag

489
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:10,920
Speaker 3: that I've been flying solo for so long.

490
00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:13,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I mean I think.

491
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:18,360
Speaker 3: It makes me less compliant, I think is what the

492
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 3: issue is.

493
00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:23,640
Speaker 1: Do you know what, like even the idea of I

494
00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:26,600
Speaker 1: mean this is weird, but you get to the point

495
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:29,240
Speaker 1: where you're like, I don't want anyone sleeping in my bed,

496
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 1: fuck someone else in man, Like, no, I've lived by

497
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:39,880
Speaker 1: myself so long. Yeah, for me, I'm not weird at all.

498
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:43,120
Speaker 1: For me, I'm totally normal. But I could totally imagine

499
00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:45,680
Speaker 1: a fly and the wall. People would be like that

500
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:50,080
Speaker 1: guy is a fucking weirdo. Like like, you know, I'm

501
00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 1: so comfortable with shit that other people wouldn't be comfortable.

502
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:57,440
Speaker 1: And I'm so like you know, everybody, you know, nothing

503
00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:02,520
Speaker 1: nothing fucking completely weird. But just where Yeah, even even

504
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:07,320
Speaker 1: having because nobody lives in my house except me obviously,

505
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:11,320
Speaker 1: so even if a friend comes and stays every now

506
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:14,000
Speaker 1: and then, you know, like my mate, he lives in

507
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:16,840
Speaker 1: the country, and of course I love having them down.

508
00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:19,560
Speaker 1: But it's like, oh, it's really weird for me to

509
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:23,880
Speaker 1: have another human in the house overnight. You know, you

510
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:26,240
Speaker 1: just be used to whatever it is that is your

511
00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:27,959
Speaker 1: you know, your dad alcohol.

512
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,959
Speaker 2: Yeah, I hear got one hundred percent agree. And my

513
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:36,320
Speaker 2: dog gets all my conversation, like, he's just my best friend.

514
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:38,200
Speaker 2: What did you get it?

515
00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 1: What did you Is he a kelpie or a border collie?

516
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:41,840
Speaker 2: He's a border Collie?

517
00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:47,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, super cute. Hey. On Monday nights,

518
00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:51,040
Speaker 1: I'm doing a mentoring program and you know, we've got

519
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:54,080
Speaker 1: quite a few this program. We ended up with fifty

520
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:56,600
Speaker 1: two or three people and it's it's ten weeks and

521
00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 1: every week is a different kind of theme. And Monday

522
00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:06,920
Speaker 1: night sorry, first week, week one. It's called Life Design

523
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:09,720
Speaker 1: one oh one, and we talk about this idea nicole

524
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 1: of you know, living consciously, like you know, planning your

525
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:20,880
Speaker 1: life and not not so that everything's you know, like micromanaged,

526
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,640
Speaker 1: and there's still time for fun and silliness and bullshit

527
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:26,600
Speaker 1: and bit of Netflix and you know whatever, a little

528
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:28,160
Speaker 1: bit of cake and a bit of coffee or whatever

529
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:32,400
Speaker 1: the fuck it is, right, but also so that there

530
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:35,160
Speaker 1: is an element of oh, all right, well, I'm forty

531
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:38,600
Speaker 1: five and I'm not very fit or healthy. When I'm

532
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:41,200
Speaker 1: forty seven, I would like to be much fitter and healthier,

533
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:43,280
Speaker 1: and maybe in a better job, and maybe you know,

534
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:46,160
Speaker 1: and then building a bit of a strategy and an

535
00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:50,680
Speaker 1: operating system to support those goals and those aspirations and

536
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:56,920
Speaker 1: those intentions. Right, I'm coming to a point, and my

537
00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:00,760
Speaker 1: experience and observation working with lots of people is that

538
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:04,960
Speaker 1: many people tend to kind of just do what they've

539
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,920
Speaker 1: always done, you know, with their body, with their food,

540
00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:11,280
Speaker 1: with their habits, with their career, with their even when

541
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:15,920
Speaker 1: it doesn't really in inverted commerce work. So I want

542
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:19,240
Speaker 1: to talk to you about this idea of intentional living,

543
00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:25,440
Speaker 1: living with purpose, where you go, okay, what's working in

544
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:27,840
Speaker 1: my life and what isn't? Like it doesn't need to

545
00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:30,920
Speaker 1: be come okay. And so like I would say to someone,

546
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,760
Speaker 1: let's talk about you and food. Has that going if

547
00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 1: ten out of ten is it's a really healthy relationship,

548
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:40,040
Speaker 1: one is it's fucked. What's your number? And they might

549
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:42,640
Speaker 1: say five, and you go, all right, well, what makes

550
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:43,240
Speaker 1: it a five?

551
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:43,560
Speaker 6: You know?

552
00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:47,320
Speaker 1: And now you and money, or you and your mental health,

553
00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:51,320
Speaker 1: or you and relationships you know or whatever. But do

554
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:56,000
Speaker 1: you feel like you did life on autopilot for a while?

555
00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 1: Do you like people do do you think like just

556
00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:01,840
Speaker 1: do you know what I'm talking about? This idea of

557
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:06,000
Speaker 1: kind of just like, I'll shut up after this. Many

558
00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:09,520
Speaker 1: times where somebody who's like ballpark forty or fifty sit

559
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:12,600
Speaker 1: with me and they say to me, this wasn't my plan.

560
00:33:13,480 --> 00:33:16,200
Speaker 1: And I see the plan and they say, what do

561
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,880
Speaker 1: you mean? And I go, there's no fucking plan, right,

562
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,040
Speaker 1: There's not a plan at all. There's just an idea

563
00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:24,320
Speaker 1: in the back of their head of how things would

564
00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:28,120
Speaker 1: turn out. Yeah, went about the idea of living with

565
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 1: intention and purpose and even goals and structure and all

566
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:32,080
Speaker 1: that shit.

567
00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:36,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, So I think that whole thing about living sort of.

568
00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:40,000
Speaker 2: What'd you say on autopilot?

569
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:43,360
Speaker 3: For me, it had this When I look back, there's

570
00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:45,840
Speaker 3: this kind of sense that I was always just slightly

571
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:51,920
Speaker 3: outside of myself, right, like just doing I don't know,

572
00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:56,920
Speaker 3: like just doing what everyone else was doing. Or yeah,

573
00:33:56,920 --> 00:34:03,080
Speaker 3: I didn't really have I didn't really have an idea

574
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:05,000
Speaker 3: of what I wanted my life to look like. So

575
00:34:05,880 --> 00:34:09,359
Speaker 3: I kind of for me, it comes down to I

576
00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:12,799
Speaker 3: actually just want to live my best life. I'm now

577
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:17,200
Speaker 3: more than halfway through, assuming I'm not going to live

578
00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:18,120
Speaker 3: past a hundred.

579
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm more than halfway through.

580
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:24,560
Speaker 3: And my son always says, oh, do what you want, mom,

581
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:27,160
Speaker 3: it's your eighty years, you know. And I'm like, okay, Well,

582
00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:29,960
Speaker 3: if it's my eighty years, then I want to live

583
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 3: the best life possible. And in order to do that,

584
00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:39,359
Speaker 3: I need to have now healthy connections, healthy relationships, all

585
00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:42,080
Speaker 3: those things. So that was, okay, well, how do I

586
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:44,799
Speaker 3: do that? Will I need to address my ship. So

587
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:49,120
Speaker 3: we went and did that, and then it's like, so,

588
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:52,800
Speaker 3: you know, I've lost in the last two and a

589
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:53,279
Speaker 3: half years.

590
00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:54,560
Speaker 2: I've lost thirty five kilos.

591
00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:59,840
Speaker 3: I've maintained my weight now for about twelve months, and

592
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,680
Speaker 3: and I'm about to start working with a new coach,

593
00:35:02,719 --> 00:35:05,520
Speaker 3: and I'm going to do another prep and go into

594
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:07,840
Speaker 3: another fatous kind of phase.

595
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:12,319
Speaker 2: And and I don't really need to. I don't really

596
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:16,440
Speaker 2: need to. I'm healthy, you know, but I just want to.

597
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:20,200
Speaker 3: There's things that I don't want to get to eighty

598
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 3: and go I wish I had of Like that's what

599
00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:29,880
Speaker 3: drives me. And so living intentionally, it's like, and I

600
00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:31,520
Speaker 3: said this to my son, just tonight.

601
00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:34,719
Speaker 2: You need to you need to work.

602
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:37,400
Speaker 3: Out where you want to be and then do the

603
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:40,840
Speaker 3: things to get there, like instead of looking for I

604
00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:42,400
Speaker 3: think the other thing that I used to do a

605
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:45,920
Speaker 3: lot of was just looking for external validation in every moment.

606
00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:49,239
Speaker 2: So everything that I was doing so looking for.

607
00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:52,480
Speaker 3: And you know, when I was talking to my son,

608
00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:58,000
Speaker 3: he's very smart, Like he's really intellectual. He's very insightful,

609
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,680
Speaker 3: and he lives in his head and people tell him

610
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:04,040
Speaker 3: all the time how clever he is, and and but

611
00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:07,920
Speaker 3: he lives in this intellectual space of getting the external

612
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:10,920
Speaker 3: you know, validation for that, And I'm like, would you

613
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:11,759
Speaker 3: need to get out of here?

614
00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:16,080
Speaker 2: And who cares? Who cares? And then what so you're

615
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:17,280
Speaker 2: really smart? But then.

616
00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:22,040
Speaker 1: Yes, what are you going to do with it? Well?

617
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:25,000
Speaker 1: I think that you know when you're good at something,

618
00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:27,200
Speaker 1: and whether it's dance or whether it's spoil or whether

619
00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:29,880
Speaker 1: it's like you're a smarty pant or an academic genius,

620
00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:33,120
Speaker 1: or your sense of self and self worth and self

621
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:37,520
Speaker 1: value and identity get intertwined with that. Yeah, you know,

622
00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:38,399
Speaker 1: so you.

623
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:41,239
Speaker 10: Go, oh, you're the brilliant one, You're the Oh you're

624
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:44,040
Speaker 10: the student, you're the star, this that, or you're the footballer,

625
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,239
Speaker 10: or you're the netballery, you're the dancer, or you're the

626
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:50,960
Speaker 10: and then so that gives you a level of social

627
00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:56,760
Speaker 10: currency and acceptance that you think you wouldn't have without it, right, Yeah,

628
00:36:57,640 --> 00:36:57,920
Speaker 10: you know.

629
00:36:58,760 --> 00:37:02,640
Speaker 3: For me it was it's kind of similar to him,

630
00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:04,719
Speaker 3: I guess. So all of his friends look go to

631
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 3: him for advice because he's so he's the wise one.

632
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,919
Speaker 2: And so I think for me, a lot of.

633
00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:16,319
Speaker 3: My life, my value, what I believed my value was

634
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:17,400
Speaker 3: was in helping others.

635
00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:23,120
Speaker 2: So I would seek help people that need to help. Yeah, right,

636
00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:28,680
Speaker 2: you get the external validation. And now I'm like, you

637
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:32,040
Speaker 2: could make an appointment or you know, so yeah, the.

638
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:38,200
Speaker 1: I think an issue, Sorry, I think an issue is

639
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:41,040
Speaker 1: I could be wrong. This is what I think about you,

640
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:46,000
Speaker 1: and also I think similar about myself and even still right,

641
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:50,879
Speaker 1: I don't think you understood your own potential.

642
00:37:51,719 --> 00:37:53,560
Speaker 2: Nah, No, my dear.

643
00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:57,640
Speaker 1: I think there was a massive chasm between what you

644
00:37:57,680 --> 00:38:01,000
Speaker 1: were capable what you are capable. And I think this

645
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:05,719
Speaker 1: is true for many many people knowing you early days.

646
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:09,600
Speaker 1: I think the massive fucking gap between what you are

647
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:15,879
Speaker 1: actually capable of. So let's talk about possibilities, power potential, right, yeah,

648
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:20,400
Speaker 1: and you're thinking about what's possible for you, right, And

649
00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:22,920
Speaker 1: I think that it's out and this is like a

650
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:26,239
Speaker 1: cognitive mind fuck. But I think what gets in the

651
00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:29,960
Speaker 1: way is not our absolute potential or our IQ or

652
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:33,280
Speaker 1: what we're capable of, but rather how we think about

653
00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:38,560
Speaker 1: all of that. Yeah, and you know, even myself, I've ah, yeah,

654
00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:41,000
Speaker 1: I've got shit genetics. I'm dumb on this. Like you

655
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:43,640
Speaker 1: hear me talk about myself like I'm a piece of shit,

656
00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:48,440
Speaker 1: And that's kind of like I do that sometimes even now,

657
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,160
Speaker 1: just in case I fuck up, I've given myself a

658
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:54,560
Speaker 1: get out of jail card, right, Yeah, because I'm the

659
00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:57,480
Speaker 1: dumb one with not very good genetics. That's just fucking

660
00:38:57,560 --> 00:38:58,640
Speaker 1: his way through life.

661
00:38:58,760 --> 00:38:58,960
Speaker 6: Right.

662
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:04,600
Speaker 1: But and I don't think you need to step into

663
00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:09,360
Speaker 1: ego or arrogance to go Actually, I'm pretty fucking capable.

664
00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:14,960
Speaker 1: That's that's just true. And because I think that for

665
00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:19,600
Speaker 1: most people, most people can do some amazing shit if

666
00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:23,560
Speaker 1: they can lean into their fear, lean into the uncertainty,

667
00:39:23,719 --> 00:39:26,600
Speaker 1: lean into the unknown, go fuck, this is going to

668
00:39:26,680 --> 00:39:28,680
Speaker 1: be hard. And also that's fine.

669
00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:33,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know that was it was actually, you know,

670
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:37,680
Speaker 3: over the years you have, you have conversations with people,

671
00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:41,960
Speaker 3: and you know, there's things that stick. And I just

672
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:45,640
Speaker 3: remember being at my lowest, you know, I'm being in

673
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,080
Speaker 3: tears on the phone with my one of my closest friends,

674
00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:55,440
Speaker 3: you know, really not in a good space, and she

675
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:59,080
Speaker 3: just said to me, she said those words, like she said,

676
00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:03,200
Speaker 3: when I look at you, I see someone who's really capable.

677
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:06,600
Speaker 2: And I just was like, there was this moment where

678
00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:07,479
Speaker 2: I was kind of.

679
00:40:07,400 --> 00:40:10,160
Speaker 3: Like a glitch in the matrix where I was like,

680
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:14,920
Speaker 3: what like capable and me in the same sentence. And

681
00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:19,200
Speaker 3: she wasn't referring to anything in particular, but just you know,

682
00:40:19,520 --> 00:40:24,000
Speaker 3: I had just never considered myself capable of anything really,

683
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,480
Speaker 3: and it was a real turning point. It was one

684
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:30,360
Speaker 3: of those It was just a few words that she said,

685
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:33,120
Speaker 3: but it stuck with me.

686
00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:43,600
Speaker 1: I think our emotions hijack our possibilities, you know, you know,

687
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:47,799
Speaker 1: whatever it is, self doubt for you, fucking or mind overthinking.

688
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:48,120
Speaker 5: You know.

689
00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:53,080
Speaker 1: You said you said before I wrote this down that

690
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:58,080
Speaker 1: you had to you had to address all your own shit.

691
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:04,400
Speaker 1: Could you tell us like what that involved? Like, what

692
00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:06,680
Speaker 1: what is this ship you speak of? Grasshopper?

693
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:13,440
Speaker 3: Well, I think we spend a lot of our lives,

694
00:41:13,880 --> 00:41:15,920
Speaker 3: and I think it comes from childhood. I think, you know,

695
00:41:17,120 --> 00:41:19,000
Speaker 3: we don't no one wants to be wrong, no one

696
00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:23,200
Speaker 3: wants to get in trouble, and so, you know, looking

697
00:41:23,239 --> 00:41:27,360
Speaker 3: for that external validation to For me, it was I'm

698
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,400
Speaker 3: and I think you know, growing up with a mum

699
00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 3: with some pretty significant mental health issues, I was always

700
00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:37,399
Speaker 3: looking for someone to tell me I was a good person, right,

701
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:40,600
Speaker 3: And so I would go out of my way to

702
00:41:40,640 --> 00:41:43,600
Speaker 3: be a good person and then get upset when people

703
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:47,160
Speaker 3: didn't like I didn't understand why people didn't kind of

704
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:50,360
Speaker 3: reflect that back or I wasn't treated the right way,

705
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:56,479
Speaker 3: and then so I had to Really it's that whole

706
00:41:56,760 --> 00:41:57,960
Speaker 3: you know, people talk about it.

707
00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:01,120
Speaker 2: It can be shadow work or meeting yourself.

708
00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:05,960
Speaker 3: It's almost like the metaphor is sitting in a room

709
00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:09,400
Speaker 3: full of mirrors. Like because none of us are perfect,

710
00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:11,280
Speaker 3: and we all have blind spots.

711
00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 2: And we all have behaviors.

712
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:17,440
Speaker 3: That are unhealthy, we're all we've all got unmet childhood

713
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:20,239
Speaker 3: emotional needs that we're trying to get met in adulthood

714
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:26,440
Speaker 3: through fucking dysfunctional behaviors or whatever. Yes, you can't like

715
00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:30,840
Speaker 3: you're not human if you don't have any of those things, yes,

716
00:42:31,200 --> 00:42:34,520
Speaker 3: so instead of but we spend our whole lives running

717
00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:37,360
Speaker 3: from them or trying to prove that they don't exist.

718
00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:42,000
Speaker 3: So for me, it was very much about sitting in

719
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:48,040
Speaker 3: a room metaphorically of mirrors and actually looking at the

720
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:52,440
Speaker 3: parts of myself that I didn't fucking like very much

721
00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:59,600
Speaker 3: and actually just instead of rejecting those parts of myself

722
00:43:00,239 --> 00:43:04,640
Speaker 3: or berating myself or going into any level of self

723
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:10,080
Speaker 3: loathing for not being perfect, it just was like, and

724
00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:11,959
Speaker 3: I think I mentioned to you last time we spoke

725
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:16,680
Speaker 3: about that self compassion stuff, it's like, you did the

726
00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:19,680
Speaker 3: best you could with what you had, and now you

727
00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:23,680
Speaker 3: know better, you can do better, and having compassion for

728
00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:27,920
Speaker 3: those parts of myself that were just trying to survive.

729
00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:32,279
Speaker 3: They were just trying to get their needs met, so

730
00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:36,680
Speaker 3: you know, and it's okay. The way that you did it,

731
00:43:36,719 --> 00:43:39,800
Speaker 3: the way you went about it, probably not the healthiest way,

732
00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:43,040
Speaker 3: and you've probably done yourself some damage or maybe you've

733
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:47,400
Speaker 3: hurt some other people in the process. But now that

734
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:49,799
Speaker 3: you've looked at it and accepted it, and it's I

735
00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:51,840
Speaker 3: don't reject it, and now I kind of feel like

736
00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,680
Speaker 3: this whole thing around the confidence thing.

737
00:43:53,719 --> 00:43:56,759
Speaker 2: It's like, I've looked at every.

738
00:43:56,520 --> 00:44:00,680
Speaker 3: Dark corner of my psyche, so I thing you say

739
00:44:00,719 --> 00:44:03,759
Speaker 3: to me is going to upset me. Like you can't say, well,

740
00:44:03,800 --> 00:44:08,120
Speaker 3: you're this or you're that, because I'm like, yeah, and

741
00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:10,880
Speaker 3: I kind of I accept that and I'm doing the

742
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:14,319
Speaker 3: best I can to be better or whatever. So I

743
00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:16,920
Speaker 3: don't have I'm not at the effect of other people's

744
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:22,400
Speaker 3: opinions of me anymore because I've seen the darkest heart myself.

745
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:28,160
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's so brave. That is that is

746
00:44:28,160 --> 00:44:30,719
Speaker 1: a whole level of self awareness that a lot of

747
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:34,920
Speaker 1: people don't get to. And you're very right, like it

748
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:38,880
Speaker 1: ain't about self loathing. It's about self awareness, self reflection,

749
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:39,600
Speaker 1: you know.

750
00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:45,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, and the reparenting, you know, like it's the it's

751
00:44:45,239 --> 00:44:49,120
Speaker 3: those parts of us that are doing like behaviors, those

752
00:44:49,200 --> 00:44:51,120
Speaker 3: dysfunctional behaviors.

753
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 2: They're they're the child part of us.

754
00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:59,880
Speaker 3: That is trying to be loved, accepted, the lude, you know,

755
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:02,960
Speaker 3: So if we can have compassion for that part of

756
00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:06,640
Speaker 3: ourselves and it's not like it's not it's I don't know,

757
00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:10,000
Speaker 3: it's like, you know, I was talking about boundaries at

758
00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:13,160
Speaker 3: work today. You know how hard it is to set

759
00:45:13,200 --> 00:45:15,759
Speaker 3: boundaries with people. It's not It's actually not hard for

760
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:18,719
Speaker 3: me anymore because one or two things is going to

761
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:22,640
Speaker 3: happen when I set a boundary. The person's either going

762
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:25,239
Speaker 3: to step up and respect it and understand that my

763
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:28,840
Speaker 3: boundaries are coming from a place of self reverence and

764
00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:30,280
Speaker 3: mutual reverence.

765
00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:31,799
Speaker 2: So they're either going.

766
00:45:31,800 --> 00:45:33,479
Speaker 3: To step up and we're going to have a great

767
00:45:33,520 --> 00:45:37,759
Speaker 3: relationship or friendship or whatever, or they're not going to

768
00:45:37,920 --> 00:45:39,719
Speaker 3: like the boundary and they're going to fuck off.

769
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:41,160
Speaker 1: A worry.

770
00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:45,800
Speaker 2: It's a win right the way, I'm good because nothing

771
00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:46,640
Speaker 2: changes for me.

772
00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:55,400
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, So what is the what is the balance between? Well,

773
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:59,879
Speaker 1: where is the line between something I've been thinking about

774
00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:04,439
Speaker 1: later lately, and it's like, Okay, you did the work,

775
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:06,120
Speaker 1: you got to the top of the mountain, you won

776
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:08,520
Speaker 1: the race, you made the money, you built the business,

777
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:11,200
Speaker 1: you got the PhD I'm talking about in general, right,

778
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:15,279
Speaker 1: and then it's a now what a now what? It's like,

779
00:46:16,560 --> 00:46:23,719
Speaker 1: what is the what is the balance between? Yes, like

780
00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:27,600
Speaker 1: even me who talks all the time about for one

781
00:46:27,640 --> 00:46:30,080
Speaker 1: of a better, less wanky team, it's pretty wanky, but

782
00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:33,920
Speaker 1: we'll use it, you know, self optimization. How do I

783
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:35,919
Speaker 1: get the most out of me my brain, my mind,

784
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:40,360
Speaker 1: my talent, my resources, my genetics, whatever, my time, my money.

785
00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:42,719
Speaker 1: How do I get the most out of me so

786
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,720
Speaker 1: that maybe I can live a life or a version

787
00:46:45,760 --> 00:46:48,440
Speaker 1: of my life that's better than the current one, in

788
00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:50,680
Speaker 1: a version of a body that's better than the current one,

789
00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:53,600
Speaker 1: with an attitude or thinking that's healthier, you know, all

790
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:57,120
Speaker 1: that kind of stuff. What's the balance between doing that

791
00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:01,319
Speaker 1: and also just having fuck off? Where it's just like

792
00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:03,480
Speaker 1: what or fuck? All days I should say what are

793
00:47:03,480 --> 00:47:08,040
Speaker 1: you doing? Fucking Like? I feel like sometimes even for me,

794
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:10,120
Speaker 1: I have to go, hey, you don't have to be

795
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:13,600
Speaker 1: productive today. You don't have to get anything fucking not

796
00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:15,920
Speaker 1: that many of these days for me at the moment

797
00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:18,279
Speaker 1: where I'm at. But you know, as soon as I'm

798
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:22,480
Speaker 1: through this phase of my PhD stuff, you know, But

799
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:26,880
Speaker 1: where the balance between being proactive and productive and effective

800
00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:31,080
Speaker 1: and high performing and ticking boxes and exploiting your opportunities

801
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:35,840
Speaker 1: and your talent and fuck yeah, but also just laughing

802
00:47:35,880 --> 00:47:38,840
Speaker 1: at silly shits and being a normal, regular human. Is

803
00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:41,160
Speaker 1: there a balance for you? Well?

804
00:47:41,239 --> 00:47:43,840
Speaker 3: I think it comes down to what the what's driving it?

805
00:47:44,400 --> 00:47:49,120
Speaker 3: So when I first started my undergrad degree, I was

806
00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:52,000
Speaker 3: trying to prove that I wasn't all the things.

807
00:47:51,719 --> 00:47:55,280
Speaker 2: That people said I was right because I got divorced

808
00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:57,440
Speaker 2: and my ex husband said to me, yeah, you're just

809
00:47:57,640 --> 00:47:59,359
Speaker 2: You're just going to be a single mum. That's all

810
00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:01,560
Speaker 2: you'll love would be. And I was like, fucking watch me.

811
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:09,640
Speaker 1: So yeah, so in interrupt and I interrupt. Do you

812
00:48:09,760 --> 00:48:14,920
Speaker 1: think that's a good thing? Rarely speaking when you're your

813
00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:17,200
Speaker 1: driver is basically to prove someone wrong.

814
00:48:18,080 --> 00:48:19,959
Speaker 2: No, well, this is where I'm this is where I'm going.

815
00:48:20,400 --> 00:48:24,560
Speaker 3: So when when the drop, when the driver is where

816
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:29,720
Speaker 3: you're running away from who you are rather than running

817
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:32,880
Speaker 3: towards a better version of yourself. So there was a

818
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:38,600
Speaker 3: point where I was pushing so hard to be different,

819
00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:43,560
Speaker 3: to prove whatever that I made myself really unwell right

820
00:48:43,760 --> 00:48:46,520
Speaker 3: because I was working, I was burning the candle at

821
00:48:46,560 --> 00:48:48,680
Speaker 3: both ends and fuck you all and I'm going to

822
00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:51,359
Speaker 3: prove you all wrong and blah blah blah, and all

823
00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:54,000
Speaker 3: I did was made myself really sick. That was when

824
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:56,279
Speaker 3: I put on heaps of weight. I ended up in

825
00:48:56,320 --> 00:48:59,400
Speaker 3: hospital with a stomach hernia and like it was just

826
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:05,600
Speaker 3: and then I shifted to I'm actually what I'm actually

827
00:49:05,600 --> 00:49:10,320
Speaker 3: doing is moving towards instead of moving away from from

828
00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:12,160
Speaker 3: a version of myself.

829
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:13,239
Speaker 2: That I loathed.

830
00:49:13,520 --> 00:49:18,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm now moving towards a better version of myself.

831
00:49:18,680 --> 00:49:21,160
Speaker 3: And I don't know what that is, but let's just

832
00:49:21,239 --> 00:49:22,480
Speaker 3: see how it shows up.

833
00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:23,680
Speaker 2: And so.

834
00:49:25,280 --> 00:49:28,360
Speaker 3: If I and now, my health is really important to me.

835
00:49:28,520 --> 00:49:32,239
Speaker 3: So I push and push and push, and then I go.

836
00:49:32,360 --> 00:49:35,840
Speaker 3: Then everbody goes or my brain goes, yeah, not today,

837
00:49:36,320 --> 00:49:38,000
Speaker 3: And so I just I won't.

838
00:49:39,120 --> 00:49:43,440
Speaker 1: Right, I wait, right, I want you to, so you

839
00:49:43,520 --> 00:49:46,000
Speaker 1: tune into that, you know, for one of a game

840
00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:49,520
Speaker 1: like that in a wisdom, that kind of internal sat

841
00:49:49,600 --> 00:49:53,080
Speaker 1: nab that's kind of guiding you and gently kind of going, hey,

842
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:56,640
Speaker 1: maybe not today, maybe tomorrow. So you pay attend to that.

843
00:49:57,600 --> 00:49:57,960
Speaker 2: Yeah.

844
00:49:58,160 --> 00:50:00,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, And when I'm on, I'm on like when i'm

845
00:50:00,840 --> 00:50:03,240
Speaker 3: when I'm in, Like you said to yours, I actually

846
00:50:03,280 --> 00:50:06,759
Speaker 3: sat too many hours on the laptop yesterday. But I

847
00:50:06,800 --> 00:50:09,920
Speaker 3: was on a roll and I was and I was

848
00:50:09,960 --> 00:50:13,240
Speaker 3: in flow and I was being really productive and then

849
00:50:13,640 --> 00:50:15,440
Speaker 3: I was like, eh, I'm going to take it easy

850
00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:23,080
Speaker 3: today because I pushed yesterday. Because it's always going to

851
00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:25,960
Speaker 3: be there, like there there's no one's going to die

852
00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:28,400
Speaker 3: if I don't finish the PhD in three years. No

853
00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:31,560
Speaker 3: one's going to die if I don't. You know, what's

854
00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:32,880
Speaker 3: the worst thing that can happen?

855
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:35,920
Speaker 1: And upset? Hey, can I give you a compliment?

856
00:50:36,480 --> 00:50:36,760
Speaker 2: Sure?

857
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:39,759
Speaker 1: How many podcasts have you been on in your life?

858
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:45,520
Speaker 1: Like episodes? Like so this is two on this one?

859
00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:50,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, I've done two with Tiff, Yeah, and I've done

860
00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:54,080
Speaker 3: maybe three others.

861
00:50:54,719 --> 00:50:59,120
Speaker 1: So you've done seven interviews or podcast chats in your life.

862
00:50:59,320 --> 00:50:59,640
Speaker 2: I think.

863
00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:03,800
Speaker 1: So you're very very good at this, and I should

864
00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:06,279
Speaker 1: probably tell you that off air, but I'm going to

865
00:51:06,280 --> 00:51:08,400
Speaker 1: tell you on here.

866
00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:12,319
Speaker 2: Should I have my own podcasts.

867
00:51:12,160 --> 00:51:16,239
Speaker 1: You should, Well, I tell you why you're great because

868
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:21,560
Speaker 1: there's no bullshit, there's no person, there's no razzle dazzle

869
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:24,600
Speaker 1: like I asked you, like look, and I'm not. I

870
00:51:24,600 --> 00:51:27,200
Speaker 1: mean most of my guests are somewhere close to that.

871
00:51:27,320 --> 00:51:30,160
Speaker 1: But there are people that come on and it's it's

872
00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:35,720
Speaker 1: very nicely. I'm ungrateful. This is the problem in my mind,

873
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:39,000
Speaker 1: I just ship comes out. No, But there have been

874
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:41,560
Speaker 1: people on that I get off and I'm like, not many,

875
00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:44,840
Speaker 1: but that was bullshitty, Like that was just you know that?

876
00:51:45,320 --> 00:51:47,840
Speaker 1: So no, that was somebody doing a public appearance of

877
00:51:48,040 --> 00:51:50,359
Speaker 1: saying all the things they think they should say. But

878
00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:54,239
Speaker 1: what I love about you is, you know, so you're

879
00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:57,120
Speaker 1: on this academic journey, which is great, this personal and

880
00:51:57,160 --> 00:52:01,080
Speaker 1: professional development kind of path that you're on, which is amazing,

881
00:52:02,040 --> 00:52:05,279
Speaker 1: but you're also you've been an experiential learner at the

882
00:52:05,440 --> 00:52:10,279
Speaker 1: cold face of life, doing shit super hard. Right, So

883
00:52:11,160 --> 00:52:15,200
Speaker 1: I definitely think you you could do. Do I think

884
00:52:15,239 --> 00:52:16,880
Speaker 1: you should. I don't know that's up to you, but

885
00:52:16,960 --> 00:52:20,480
Speaker 1: could do? I think you could because I think what

886
00:52:20,560 --> 00:52:25,600
Speaker 1: people value, especially I don't know not all people, of course,

887
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:29,560
Speaker 1: but I think my listeners value not necessarily me, but

888
00:52:29,840 --> 00:52:37,160
Speaker 1: they value conversations that they know. There is nothing scripted,

889
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:42,480
Speaker 1: there is nothing choreographed. They clearly don't have a fucking plan,

890
00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:45,640
Speaker 1: which you said. I sent a message to you, said

891
00:52:45,640 --> 00:52:47,440
Speaker 1: do you want to do a podcast later? And you went,

892
00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:50,680
Speaker 1: you're funny or whatever. I went, well, whatever, you know,

893
00:52:51,840 --> 00:52:54,520
Speaker 1: I'm a little bit disorganized lately, like the next few

894
00:52:54,560 --> 00:52:57,160
Speaker 1: days a chuck a block with pre organized guests. But

895
00:52:57,840 --> 00:53:00,480
Speaker 1: and I said, anything, you have you got any ideas

896
00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:01,719
Speaker 1: for where you want to go what you want to

897
00:53:01,719 --> 00:53:04,480
Speaker 1: talk about? You went nope, And I went gide up

898
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:08,360
Speaker 1: see you at six, right, and even before we started,

899
00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:11,239
Speaker 1: like we spot for one or two minutes, I'm like,

900
00:53:11,280 --> 00:53:14,719
Speaker 1: oh fuck this, let's just catch up. Let's catch up

901
00:53:14,760 --> 00:53:18,279
Speaker 1: while we record, right, Yeah, And you know, there was

902
00:53:18,360 --> 00:53:21,560
Speaker 1: no we didn't have any discussion about what we were

903
00:53:21,560 --> 00:53:25,439
Speaker 1: going to talk about. So you're very I just think

904
00:53:26,880 --> 00:53:28,640
Speaker 1: I want to recognize that, you know.

905
00:53:28,920 --> 00:53:32,640
Speaker 3: Thank you, and I appreciate that because I think what happens, well,

906
00:53:32,680 --> 00:53:38,200
Speaker 3: what happened for me is I became so exhausted from

907
00:53:38,280 --> 00:53:43,319
Speaker 3: trying to be whatever I was going to be accepted

908
00:53:43,520 --> 00:53:50,120
Speaker 3: or what you know, like turning yourself inside out to

909
00:53:50,200 --> 00:53:54,720
Speaker 3: impress or to have you know, I mean I probably

910
00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:56,800
Speaker 3: did it with you you over the years, you know,

911
00:53:56,840 --> 00:53:59,640
Speaker 3: all the workshops and that. Yeah, I'm doing really well,

912
00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:05,799
Speaker 3: you know, like I don't even fucking care anymore. Like

913
00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:11,520
Speaker 3: it's just it's like it's exhausting. It's exhausting to live

914
00:54:12,520 --> 00:54:16,480
Speaker 3: life not being you and not being authentic. And I

915
00:54:16,560 --> 00:54:18,799
Speaker 3: have no doubt that my age has a lot to

916
00:54:18,840 --> 00:54:21,680
Speaker 3: do with it. And you know, they people joke around

917
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:26,319
Speaker 3: how menopausal women kind of don't give it lying fuck

918
00:54:26,360 --> 00:54:28,600
Speaker 3: about anything, And it's because.

919
00:54:28,360 --> 00:54:30,799
Speaker 2: Our hormones change it. We're no longer as agreeable as

920
00:54:30,840 --> 00:54:31,640
Speaker 2: what we used to be.

921
00:54:31,840 --> 00:54:33,480
Speaker 3: And I'm sure that that has a lot to do

922
00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:37,080
Speaker 3: with it, but I don't think it's a given that

923
00:54:37,080 --> 00:54:40,240
Speaker 3: that's going to happen for people. And I think that

924
00:54:40,320 --> 00:54:42,400
Speaker 3: it is doing the work, and it is looking at

925
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:48,200
Speaker 3: the stuff, And you know, I just want if I've

926
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:50,560
Speaker 3: lived my whole life wanting people to see me and

927
00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:54,080
Speaker 3: recognize me for being a good person or being whatever,

928
00:54:54,320 --> 00:54:57,359
Speaker 3: then I have to show up but authentically. Otherwise, any

929
00:54:57,400 --> 00:55:01,880
Speaker 3: compliment I get, or any feedback, it's it's external feedback

930
00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:05,359
Speaker 3: I get. It's not really valid anyway, because if you're

931
00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:09,840
Speaker 3: not being authentic, then what are you getting feedback on?

932
00:55:10,440 --> 00:55:15,440
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, and you know the irony, the irony of

933
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:21,040
Speaker 1: trying to impress people by you know, manufacturing some how

934
00:55:21,160 --> 00:55:24,120
Speaker 1: you think they will be impressed, Like, what do I

935
00:55:24,239 --> 00:55:28,960
Speaker 1: need to do to be impressive? Yeah? People see that now, Like,

936
00:55:29,680 --> 00:55:32,160
Speaker 1: and the irony is the thing that you want, which

937
00:55:32,200 --> 00:55:35,040
Speaker 1: is to be impressive. You're pretty much the opposite. And

938
00:55:35,080 --> 00:55:38,680
Speaker 1: then when you finally give up with being the people

939
00:55:38,719 --> 00:55:42,879
Speaker 1: pleaser and the whatever and you're like fuck it, I'm

940
00:55:42,920 --> 00:55:45,640
Speaker 1: just going to be me, Then people like you more anyway.

941
00:55:46,280 --> 00:55:49,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and the people and the people that you

942
00:55:50,040 --> 00:55:52,560
Speaker 3: have in your life sorrow that as well. So like

943
00:55:52,640 --> 00:55:58,080
Speaker 3: my friendships are all really meaningful, genuine authentic friendships because

944
00:55:58,120 --> 00:56:02,560
Speaker 3: we're all we're all the same. I can't be around

945
00:56:03,239 --> 00:56:06,040
Speaker 3: I can't be around fake anymore.

946
00:56:06,239 --> 00:56:06,839
Speaker 1: I just look.

947
00:56:07,320 --> 00:56:08,799
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know it's that.

948
00:56:08,960 --> 00:56:12,960
Speaker 3: It's and perception management. So trying to manage other people's

949
00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:15,759
Speaker 3: perception of you is fucking exhausting.

950
00:56:16,840 --> 00:56:19,040
Speaker 1: Someone should do a PhD in that.

951
00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:22,479
Speaker 2: That's what I'm doing, that's what that's what you're doing.

952
00:56:23,200 --> 00:56:27,280
Speaker 8: What you're doing, Yes, exactly, exactly understanding how it says.

953
00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:31,040
Speaker 1: Now there would be reticent and meat. Let's see if

954
00:56:31,040 --> 00:56:32,759
Speaker 1: you can answer this in one minute, because I want

955
00:56:32,800 --> 00:56:35,200
Speaker 1: to kind of send you on your I don't want

956
00:56:35,200 --> 00:56:39,160
Speaker 1: to keep you forever. But you said ten to fifteen

957
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:42,440
Speaker 1: minutes ago you lost thirty five kilos in the last

958
00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:45,520
Speaker 1: however long, and there are people listening to this going

959
00:56:45,680 --> 00:56:48,040
Speaker 1: ask her about that. How did you do that? And

960
00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:52,239
Speaker 1: also how does a menopausal woman lose lots of You know,

961
00:56:52,360 --> 00:56:54,800
Speaker 1: I'm not saying anyone needs to or sure, don't fucking

962
00:56:54,800 --> 00:56:58,640
Speaker 1: send me, but you did lose thirty five k's give

963
00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:02,359
Speaker 1: us slight the sixty second synopsis of how you did

964
00:57:02,400 --> 00:57:04,200
Speaker 1: that and why it worked.

965
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:11,640
Speaker 11: This time, I was introduced to a completely different concept

966
00:57:11,760 --> 00:57:15,120
Speaker 11: of eating, which was not starving yourself.

967
00:57:15,800 --> 00:57:17,000
Speaker 1: Wow, took a thought.

968
00:57:18,400 --> 00:57:21,920
Speaker 3: So I gave that a god under a guidance of

969
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:27,800
Speaker 3: some coaches, and was very kind of hesitant. But like,

970
00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:31,440
Speaker 3: I lost thirty five kilos eating around nineteen hundred calories.

971
00:57:32,000 --> 00:57:36,400
Speaker 3: But which is you know in my mind, you know

972
00:57:36,520 --> 00:57:38,880
Speaker 3: in the past you always had to eat twelve hundred

973
00:57:38,880 --> 00:57:42,800
Speaker 3: calories to lose anyway, So strength training, I was like,

974
00:57:43,240 --> 00:57:46,640
Speaker 3: I need as much muscle as I can possibly put

975
00:57:46,680 --> 00:57:49,480
Speaker 3: on my body so that I can eat more food.

976
00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:55,439
Speaker 3: And so strength training eating tracking my food.

977
00:57:57,960 --> 00:57:58,920
Speaker 2: And I just enter up.

978
00:58:00,040 --> 00:58:03,960
Speaker 1: I just tell people why being muscle matters is because

979
00:58:04,080 --> 00:58:07,800
Speaker 1: must what we call metabolically active. And so what that

980
00:58:07,960 --> 00:58:13,200
Speaker 1: means is, let's say we had two identical Nicoles, and

981
00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:14,880
Speaker 1: let's say out about what you way, I don't want

982
00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:17,440
Speaker 1: to know, but let's say we've got a seventy kilo

983
00:58:17,600 --> 00:58:21,560
Speaker 1: Nicole who's strong and jacked and got lots of muscle,

984
00:58:21,920 --> 00:58:24,760
Speaker 1: and her twin sister, who's also seventy k's with the

985
00:58:24,760 --> 00:58:28,840
Speaker 1: same genetics, doesn't weight train. She's the exact same weight,

986
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:32,280
Speaker 1: but her body fat percentage is higher and a lean

987
00:58:32,480 --> 00:58:38,560
Speaker 1: tissue percentage is lower. Same weight, genetics, same body. Essentially,

988
00:58:38,720 --> 00:58:43,360
Speaker 1: that's done different work. Well, the more muscular seventy kilo

989
00:58:43,560 --> 00:58:48,080
Speaker 1: version of Nicole needs more calories per day just to

990
00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:55,840
Speaker 1: break even, so muscle muscle is actually a metabolic advantage.

991
00:58:56,320 --> 00:58:57,480
Speaker 2: Yeah.

992
00:58:57,520 --> 00:59:01,920
Speaker 3: So yeah, so strength training tracking, Uh, discipline, doing the

993
00:59:01,960 --> 00:59:05,200
Speaker 3: things even when I didn't really want to do them.

994
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:11,840
Speaker 3: Discipline is freedom for me now, so yeah, that's how

995
00:59:11,880 --> 00:59:13,960
Speaker 3: I did it, Just commitment.

996
00:59:14,320 --> 00:59:17,640
Speaker 1: That the show. Discipline is freedom.

997
00:59:17,840 --> 00:59:21,360
Speaker 3: Discipline is freedom. Consistent imperfect action.

998
00:59:23,160 --> 00:59:30,720
Speaker 1: Wow, oh hang on consistent imperfect action. I probably shouldn't

999
00:59:30,720 --> 00:59:34,120
Speaker 1: write this down as where, but anyway, fuck it. Hey,

1000
00:59:34,760 --> 00:59:36,800
Speaker 1: how can people connect with you if you want to

1001
00:59:36,800 --> 00:59:39,960
Speaker 1: be connected with or but I don't know, Like, I know,

1002
00:59:40,680 --> 00:59:43,320
Speaker 1: I don't know on socials. I know you're on socials.

1003
00:59:43,920 --> 00:59:47,000
Speaker 2: I don't really most of my socials are private.

1004
00:59:47,160 --> 00:59:50,120
Speaker 3: But I mean LinkedIn is probably if you want to

1005
00:59:51,120 --> 00:59:54,120
Speaker 3: if you're interested in like where I'm going with my

1006
00:59:54,240 --> 00:59:56,760
Speaker 3: research and all that sort of thing. So LinkedIn is good.

1007
00:59:56,840 --> 00:59:59,920
Speaker 3: Nicole Adele on LinkedIn, you can send me a request

1008
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:06,400
Speaker 3: on Instagram Nick underscore Laddel, I'm not on there a

1009
01:00:06,480 --> 01:00:07,080
Speaker 3: hell of a lot.

1010
01:00:07,360 --> 01:00:10,800
Speaker 1: But yeah, I realize I haven't asked you at all

1011
01:00:10,840 --> 01:00:13,160
Speaker 1: about your research. Well, you'll have to come back and

1012
01:00:13,240 --> 01:00:17,360
Speaker 1: tell us. I mean, I know we did the first time,

1013
01:00:17,720 --> 01:00:20,840
Speaker 1: but just quickly before we tell people what your research is.

1014
01:00:20,800 --> 01:00:26,280
Speaker 3: About, it is, I'm looking at intimate partner violence, specifically

1015
01:00:27,240 --> 01:00:30,880
Speaker 3: the use of technology to perpetrate intimate partner violence, and

1016
01:00:30,920 --> 01:00:34,880
Speaker 3: I'm looking at how we systemically respond to it. So

1017
01:00:34,920 --> 01:00:40,600
Speaker 3: we're looking at the system's responses to like what enables

1018
01:00:40,600 --> 01:00:45,960
Speaker 3: it systemically and how we can address it.

1019
01:00:46,880 --> 01:00:52,600
Speaker 1: That is so important, that research and so unfortunately relevant.

1020
01:00:53,560 --> 01:00:56,480
Speaker 1: Yeah you all right, we'll say goodbye a fair bit.

1021
01:00:56,600 --> 01:01:00,800
Speaker 1: You're a gun. Congrats and and talk again.

1022
01:01:01,360 --> 01:01:02,480
Speaker 2: All right. Thanks Tops,