WEBVTT - #1937 Random Acts Of Kindness - Bobby Cappuccio 0:00:00.960 --> 0:00:01.639 I'll get a team. 0:00:01.680 --> 0:00:04.160 Welcome to another installment of the show, well, in fact 0:00:04.400 --> 0:00:08.320 the shows. It is, of course The Self Help Antidote 0:00:08.960 --> 0:00:12.440 with Robert Capuccio, and it is The You Project with 0:00:12.840 --> 0:00:14.160 Fatty Harps, Jumbo Me. 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:16.160 It's us, Hi, buddy. 0:00:16.560 --> 0:00:19.680 What's going on? Hops? If you're Fatty Hops? I feel 0:00:19.920 --> 0:00:22.400 really bad about myself. We're off to a horrible start. 0:00:23.800 --> 0:00:29.520 Fatty Harps is literally gone. But well no, yeah, but 0:00:29.680 --> 0:00:32.479 just that version of me lives on. I still feel 0:00:32.680 --> 0:00:35.360 strongly connected to Jumbo. I should probably let it go, 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:37.960 but I kind of like him. I have fun memories 0:00:37.960 --> 0:00:38.360 of him. 0:00:38.960 --> 0:00:40.959 There was a lot of yeah. 0:00:40.800 --> 0:00:41.680 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0:00:41.760 --> 0:00:47.519 It wasn't all. It was more bittersweet than bitter. So anyway, 0:00:47.640 --> 0:00:48.199 how are you. 0:00:48.200 --> 0:00:50.560 You're in New York. Are you seeing your mum or something? 0:00:50.560 --> 0:00:51.199 What's going on? 0:00:52.120 --> 0:00:55.080 Ah? Yeah, she needs she needs a little bit of help. 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:59.440 So the missus are also known as Amy and the 0:00:59.520 --> 0:01:02.880 Cat is out here. So I'm actually out here visiting them. 0:01:03.080 --> 0:01:04.920 They're going to be out here on a little bit 0:01:04.920 --> 0:01:08.640 of more of a long term basis than me. So 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:12.360 I'm back in Brooklyn, back in colle Island. 0:01:13.000 --> 0:01:15.360 What is it like for you being back there? 0:01:15.440 --> 0:01:18.440 Because you kind of grew up there, right and speaking 0:01:18.480 --> 0:01:21.679 a bittersweet which we were one minute ago, would is 0:01:21.720 --> 0:01:24.039 it bittersweet for you to go back to the place 0:01:24.080 --> 0:01:27.880 where there were lots of peaks and troughs to put 0:01:27.880 --> 0:01:30.200 it mildly, I. 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:33.680 Just recently discussed this with my therapist. Actually, So yeah, 0:01:33.720 --> 0:01:38.240 the the apartment is kind of weird because a lot 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:41.440 of really bad shit, just to put it, simply, went 0:01:41.520 --> 0:01:45.080 down in this place, like in this room I'm sitting in. 0:01:46.560 --> 0:01:48.520 It was not filled with good memories, and a lot 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:51.240 of the memories were absolutely terrifying. But now it's kind 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:56.080 of mixed in with this dysfunctional family unit that we 0:01:56.200 --> 0:01:59.000 have that kind of feels all right. You know, I've 0:01:59.000 --> 0:02:03.080 got my wife, the cat, you know, mom, and it's 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:06.440 a very different dynamic. And I think it's you know, 0:02:07.400 --> 0:02:12.760 she has been seeking redemption, which I personally believe. By 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:15.760 me saying I believe it doesn't mean I believe this 0:02:15.919 --> 0:02:20.160 is right for everybody. I believe people who sincerely seek 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:25.119 redemption should have a chance of getting it. 0:02:24.000 --> 0:02:28.519 Without without people, sorry, without opening that door to wide 0:02:28.600 --> 0:02:31.919 and going into specifics. So has your mom acknowledged stuff 0:02:31.960 --> 0:02:36.160 to you and said, you know, or is it just 0:02:36.440 --> 0:02:38.600 don't talk about it, but let's just do better. 0:02:38.639 --> 0:02:42.720 Now she acknowledged it, and this is kind of a 0:02:43.000 --> 0:02:45.680 it's got a weird answer. She's acknowledged it as much 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:50.480 as she is mentally capable of acknowledging it, as you 0:02:50.600 --> 0:02:52.720 well know. And I don't know how many listeners know, 0:02:52.840 --> 0:02:56.120 but now they know she has a lot of or 0:02:56.160 --> 0:03:03.280 a few developmental problems, which also comes with, on my end, 0:03:03.400 --> 0:03:07.160 a bit of grace, you know, like we sometimes do 0:03:07.200 --> 0:03:10.919 the best we can with the resources we have, and 0:03:11.000 --> 0:03:14.320 she didn't have a lot of external internal resources. So 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:18.840 as much as she can acknowledge what happened, she has, 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:21.360 and that's all I'm really prepared to ask from her, 0:03:22.120 --> 0:03:24.040 you know, because there was a time where that that 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:26.160 kind of didn't sit well with me, and it's like, 0:03:26.360 --> 0:03:29.920 what does that? What does that do for anybody in 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:31.840 their lives? Emotionally? What am I going to do, like 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:35.920 punish her repeatedly? That's not That's not the person I 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:37.840 want to be, And I don't think that's very healthy 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:41.640 for me as an individual either. It's much better to 0:03:41.760 --> 0:03:45.480 hit the reset button and move forward with whatever type 0:03:45.480 --> 0:03:48.360 of family we have right now, Whilst there's still time 0:03:48.400 --> 0:03:49.000 to do that. 0:03:49.520 --> 0:03:50.200 In my mind. 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:54.160 Now coming back to the neighborhood is different because this 0:03:54.200 --> 0:03:57.960 neighborhood could be a bit scary growing up in Coney 0:03:57.960 --> 0:04:01.800 Island back in the nineteen in these eighties, like if 0:04:01.800 --> 0:04:04.560 you've ever seen the movie The Warriors, Now, it wasn't 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:06.960 exactly like that. Gangs in New York didn't have their 0:04:07.000 --> 0:04:10.920 own special uniforms, but it was a really rough place 0:04:10.960 --> 0:04:14.320 to be. And now it's kind of cool. I kind 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:17.479 of like the vibe in Cornee Island. It's like, yeah, 0:04:17.520 --> 0:04:19.680 it's like it's not a bad place to be from 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:22.640 Like they've opened up the Freak Bar, which is kind 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:25.040 of a bar where they opened up like the Freak Show. 0:04:25.080 --> 0:04:27.960 I don't know what's up there. When they said we 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:30.120 have a freak show here, I thought they were referring 0:04:30.120 --> 0:04:32.719 to me as one of their patrons. But they used 0:04:32.720 --> 0:04:35.680 to have kind of like in the early nineteen hundred 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:40.400 it's Coney Island was the pre eminent like resort and 0:04:40.480 --> 0:04:44.240 attraction place on the East Coast in the US, and 0:04:44.360 --> 0:04:47.480 they would have all these like weird shows and everything. 0:04:47.600 --> 0:04:51.560 So all these attractions, I think they're they're opening up 0:04:51.720 --> 0:04:55.600 that element which is kind of eccentric. It's kind of different, 0:04:56.680 --> 0:04:59.240 but it is. It is kind of cool, you know, 0:04:59.320 --> 0:05:01.520 the other day, just hanging out and you know, they 0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:05.520 had a local local cat belongs to the pub, came 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:07.360 sat down next to me, hung out with me the 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:11.560 whole time. So me and my two my wife and 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:15.960 my ex girlfriend actually, so it was kind of an 0:05:15.960 --> 0:05:16.920 interesting afternoon. 0:05:19.000 --> 0:05:21.560 You make a good point. That is very interesting. 0:05:21.640 --> 0:05:26.120 I think you had a fascinating, albeit painful childhood. But 0:05:26.120 --> 0:05:29.240 but like when you deal with or when you're now, 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:32.719 you're an adult, and you're an educated, smart, you know, 0:05:32.839 --> 0:05:36.520 somewhat fully operational, functional adult. I say somewhat for both 0:05:36.560 --> 0:05:42.280 of us. And the trauma is real, and the experiences 0:05:42.440 --> 0:05:48.120 that you went through were real, and some people would go, oh, 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:53.080 you have a reason to be angry or resentful or 0:05:53.720 --> 0:05:59.960 and probably so, but there's no I think it's not 0:06:00.200 --> 0:06:03.040 like there's a set three step protocol that's going to 0:06:04.320 --> 0:06:07.719 work for everyone. And you know, so, like you say, 0:06:07.960 --> 0:06:12.559 for me, personally, I'm doing this, and I think I would, 0:06:12.560 --> 0:06:15.839 I would try to be. I mean, I was very privileged. 0:06:15.839 --> 0:06:19.240 I had a recentably great childhood compared to yours. But 0:06:19.960 --> 0:06:22.000 I think if I'd been through the trauma that you'd 0:06:22.040 --> 0:06:24.719 been through, and I would hope that I would be 0:06:24.920 --> 0:06:27.960 like you in that I'd say, well, I can't change 0:06:27.960 --> 0:06:32.000 any of that or undo any of that, so you know, 0:06:32.160 --> 0:06:36.080 let's not keep putting kerosene on that flame. Let's like 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:38.120 move ahead mentally and emotionally. 0:06:39.320 --> 0:06:41.800 One of the things I really wish I had done, 0:06:42.720 --> 0:06:44.479 and it's one of those one of those things that 0:06:44.520 --> 0:06:47.760 you hear, but I never had an interest in doing it. 0:06:48.080 --> 0:06:52.400 I wish I kept a personal journal throughout my life, 0:06:53.200 --> 0:06:59.240 because one I I was never at this point, you know, 0:06:59.400 --> 0:07:04.320 ten years ago, especially twenty years ago, which seems like yesterday, 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:06.919 so it took me a long time to get here. 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:10.400 And what I suspect would happen if I would look 0:07:10.440 --> 0:07:13.560 through my journal, or anybody who kept a journal over 0:07:13.600 --> 0:07:17.680 the span of multiple decades would see it would almost 0:07:17.760 --> 0:07:22.000 be as if that journal was written by different people. 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:25.360 Yeah, and kind. 0:07:25.240 --> 0:07:29.040 Of like a bibliography of all these people's experiences, because 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:32.400 you're not the same person. And how I looked at 0:07:32.440 --> 0:07:37.080 the world and used or tried to use my experiences 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:41.320 both good and bad, mostly bad, to shape my reality 0:07:41.360 --> 0:07:44.840 and shape my sense of identity. It shifted over the years. 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:48.280 So in my twenties, what I would say in this 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:52.120 conversation was markedly different than what I would say in 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:57.760 my thirties and forties, and now my fifties. I kind of, 0:07:57.880 --> 0:08:00.600 in some ways of come full circle. The ways have 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:04.800 a very unique perspective. But I was like three or 0:08:04.840 --> 0:08:08.080 four different people through the span of my adult life. 0:08:08.480 --> 0:08:12.400 So when you're talking about, you know, your childhood or 0:08:12.720 --> 0:08:17.840 or any base in your life, what I'm curious about, great, 0:08:18.600 --> 0:08:23.960 is there something that you used to believe, like fevoritely 0:08:24.080 --> 0:08:27.760 believe that served you that you no longer believe to 0:08:27.800 --> 0:08:28.200 be true. 0:08:28.760 --> 0:08:35.360 Mm hmm, there's I used to think that I used 0:08:35.400 --> 0:08:38.680 to truly believe that I wasn't good enough. 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:39.920 Obviously I didn't. 0:08:40.240 --> 0:08:42.560 I didn't choose that as a belief to empower me 0:08:43.360 --> 0:08:47.240 or to you know, but I didn't. I I always 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:53.160 felt somewhat unworthy, inadequate, and I, you know, I feel 0:08:53.200 --> 0:08:55.840 like this is a version of everyone. So this is 0:08:55.920 --> 0:08:57.920 no groundbreaking kind of revelation. 0:09:00.120 --> 0:09:01.800 So I think the. 0:09:04.480 --> 0:09:08.560 Self limiting and flawed belief that I had was that 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:11.920 if I could only do enough stuff, achieve enough stuff, 0:09:11.960 --> 0:09:14.560 get enough stuff, look a certain way then I would 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:18.360 be lovable and people would love me, and I'd be 0:09:18.400 --> 0:09:23.520 accepted and I'd belong. And this is weird because it's 0:09:23.559 --> 0:09:26.440 not like I had your childhood right, but this was 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:30.240 truly people were pretty good to me. I just had 0:09:30.280 --> 0:09:33.560 this overwhelming you know, there was times when you know, 0:09:33.600 --> 0:09:35.560 being the fattest kid and all of that, didn't have 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:37.880 great social moments. 0:09:37.360 --> 0:09:43.400 But I think the belief that I had was that if. 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:47.200 I can do enough stuff in my external world, if 0:09:47.240 --> 0:09:50.880 I can own this or drive that, or look like 0:09:51.000 --> 0:09:55.160 that or have this girlfriend who's that gorgeous, And I 0:09:55.200 --> 0:09:57.800 know this is all very superficial and shallow, but I'm 0:09:57.840 --> 0:10:03.880 just being vulnerable and honest, that I would be the 0:10:03.920 --> 0:10:07.160 insecurity would go, the self doubt would go, I'd be confident, 0:10:07.880 --> 0:10:11.840 and obviously all of those things you know, not true, 0:10:12.200 --> 0:10:18.079 and so essentially trying to fix internal stuff with external stuff, 0:10:18.640 --> 0:10:21.760 you know, if I can, if I can, and very 0:10:21.840 --> 0:10:26.320 worried about or not worried, but maybe very aware about. 0:10:27.200 --> 0:10:30.640 Ironic that I'm doing a PhD in metaperception, which is 0:10:30.880 --> 0:10:35.600 understanding how others understand you, but I was quite worried 0:10:35.679 --> 0:10:38.880 about what people thought of me, how I was perceived 0:10:38.960 --> 0:10:41.560 and whether or not I was this enough or that enough. 0:10:41.600 --> 0:10:46.760 And I always thought that or I guess I just 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:52.800 had a subconscious belief that I could work my way 0:10:52.920 --> 0:10:56.280 into that status, you know where if I did enough 0:10:56.280 --> 0:10:59.520 stuff and got enough stuff and you know, then that 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:02.040 would that would be the outcome is in a peace 0:11:02.080 --> 0:11:04.959 and fulfillment and joy and all of that. And obviously 0:11:05.080 --> 0:11:08.600 that's you know, they're separate things and they may or 0:11:08.640 --> 0:11:12.160 may not live in the same person, but yeah, it's 0:11:12.440 --> 0:11:16.680 and just being able to, like I think, as you 0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:20.560 get older, you know, question the stories that you have 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:23.920 about you know, like, well that's an interesting story Craig 0:11:23.960 --> 0:11:26.079 that if you do that then people will like him more. 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:30.800 Great story, bullshit, but great story. You know, Like where 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:35.360 do these stories come from? And I have a little 0:11:35.400 --> 0:11:38.800 funny anecdote and that is the other day I put 0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:43.000 up a picture of my godson, Mitchell, and he's just 0:11:43.040 --> 0:11:45.960 become a lawyer, and there was a photo of him 0:11:46.000 --> 0:11:49.120 outside the Supreme Court in Melbourne, which is a big deal. 0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:52.320 And I put up this photo and I said, essentially 0:11:52.400 --> 0:11:55.120 this is on Instagram. I don't have any kids, but 0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:57.120 I do have a godson, so I don't have kids 0:11:57.120 --> 0:11:59.440 to boast about, but I want to boast about my godson. 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:02.520 Here he is, This is Mitchell, you know, blah blah blah, 0:12:02.600 --> 0:12:04.560 and it's just this and he's tall and he's young, 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:09.120 and he's good looking and he's a really good human and. 0:12:11.440 --> 0:12:13.640 I think you've got a panther in front of your camera. 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:20.520 And anyway, what was funny was so I essentially put 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:23.880 up a photo of a kid or a young man 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:29.679 that most people don't know, and it got nearly two 0:12:29.880 --> 0:12:34.160 hundred thousand views that photo, and I'm thinking, what is 0:12:34.200 --> 0:12:39.839 amazing is like what still gets attention is young, gorgeous 0:12:39.840 --> 0:12:43.280 people like and we say things like, which is true? 0:12:43.600 --> 0:12:44.280 That's so rid? 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:46.640 Yeah, it's like that. 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:49.280 I think it's I don't know, it's something like one 0:12:49.320 --> 0:12:51.640 hundred and eighty five or ninety thousand views at the moment. 0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:53.440 But all I did was put up a picture of 0:12:54.640 --> 0:12:57.240 a young man that nobody knows, and it went nuts. 0:12:57.559 --> 0:12:59.840 And I was thinking about that, and like a bunch 0:12:59.880 --> 0:13:02.880 of people save that photo, like hundreds of people save 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:03.720 the photo. 0:13:04.280 --> 0:13:06.880 And I'm thinking, we still live in a. 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:11.439 World, for better or worse, where if you're attractive, you're 0:13:11.480 --> 0:13:14.120 going to get lots of attention, and I think that 0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:19.160 that teaches young people potentially a message that's not great 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:24.920 for a range of reasons, but nonetheless it is still true. 0:13:25.360 --> 0:13:27.600 You know, I put up a photo of me, it's 0:13:27.679 --> 0:13:30.600 like there's no it's like three people look at it, 0:13:31.200 --> 0:13:35.640 you know. So, yeah, it's interesting all that external stuff, 0:13:35.679 --> 0:13:36.520 internal stuff. 0:13:37.880 --> 0:13:41.520 Well, it makes sense because when you're sharing all of this. 0:13:42.600 --> 0:13:45.000 There's three things that stood out in my mind, and 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:47.680 one you talked about hiding grow up, you know, with 0:13:47.760 --> 0:13:51.800 the same experiences you grew up with. And you know, 0:13:51.960 --> 0:13:57.560 I don't necessarily think somebody needs extreme trauma in order 0:13:57.679 --> 0:14:02.520 to leverage that and do something with it. I think 0:14:02.559 --> 0:14:06.160 we all have the same basic human needs. Where you 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:11.000 talk about I felt this feeling to a degree of inadequacy. 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:15.360 I think we all have those same insecurities, those same needs, 0:14:15.760 --> 0:14:17.880 and a lot of the things that we desire have 0:14:17.960 --> 0:14:22.480 a lot of interconnection. But it's important and it's relevant 0:14:22.560 --> 0:14:25.400 to share those stories regardless of the background, because what 0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:29.040 the differentiator is and what we learned from is how 0:14:29.040 --> 0:14:32.280 do you interpret that? Like what does that mean? Right? 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:34.600 So in your case, it's like, Okay, if I go 0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:37.880 out and I achieve stuff and by achieving stuff, I 0:14:37.920 --> 0:14:42.280 can surround myself with external embulance that maybe I interpret 0:14:42.400 --> 0:14:44.360 is what separates me from other people, which I can 0:14:44.400 --> 0:14:47.360 relate to. Because you talked about physical attractiveness, I was 0:14:47.400 --> 0:14:52.640 not physically attractive. That my face was contorted, you know, 0:14:52.720 --> 0:14:56.720 my teeth, my gums, I was physically deformed growing up. 0:14:57.480 --> 0:15:00.960 So for me, beauty and external things is what I 0:15:01.120 --> 0:15:05.560 perceived as the things that made other people valuable to 0:15:05.640 --> 0:15:08.720 one another. So I completely get that. So you might 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:11.360 think I need to get to work and go build something. 0:15:11.400 --> 0:15:14.560 Somebody else might interpret that as I'll never be good enough. 0:15:14.560 --> 0:15:16.960 So what's the use of even trying to do anything. 0:15:17.400 --> 0:15:23.600 I'll just get by same same feeling, different interpretation, completely 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:27.840 different outcome, and how it shapes your reality. And the 0:15:27.920 --> 0:15:33.520 third thing that is interesting is you were talking about 0:15:33.600 --> 0:15:38.760 your godson and how it made you feel forget like 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:43.600 how everybody else interprets it, or Wow, this person's really attractive. 0:15:44.000 --> 0:15:47.440 It catches my attention. There's meaning for you there. So 0:15:47.480 --> 0:15:50.760 I think when you look at the best times in 0:15:50.800 --> 0:15:54.800 your life, either in the past or you create this 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:58.040 future vision of what would what would good look like 0:15:58.080 --> 0:16:00.640 in the future, what would engage you look like. What 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:04.080 would success look like. I would like to propose that 0:16:04.120 --> 0:16:08.240 for the vast majority of people, not everybody, but for 0:16:08.280 --> 0:16:13.320 the vast majority of us, it involves others. Something that 0:16:13.360 --> 0:16:16.360 you build, who you building it with? Who are you 0:16:16.440 --> 0:16:21.040 building it for? So I think in your background, whether 0:16:21.120 --> 0:16:27.280 it was really difficult circumstances or it was circumstances that 0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:31.080 kind of gave framework for the things that we all 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:35.040 struggle with in the human experience. Good question is how 0:16:35.080 --> 0:16:39.560 can I use this to deepen my connection with those 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:42.880 around me? Because I think that's what really matters at 0:16:42.920 --> 0:16:45.280 the end of the day. I think that's you know, 0:16:45.440 --> 0:16:51.240 like Matthew Lieberman, I just wrote something about this. He 0:16:51.960 --> 0:16:56.920 would propose that our brains are neurobiologically wired for one another. 0:16:57.040 --> 0:17:00.840 And he's far from alone in that. Me growing up, 0:17:00.880 --> 0:17:04.000 I was talking about this with my wife the other day. 0:17:05.520 --> 0:17:08.520 Nobody liked me as a kid, even as a very 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:11.199 young kid, like five years old. We used to do 0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:13.840 this thing. We were walking. How the conversation started. We 0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:17.280 were walking by a park. It's like, oh, okay, Seabury's Park, 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:19.959 you know, like when we were all like five six 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:22.840 They used to put this in like the dance festival, 0:17:22.920 --> 0:17:24.600 you know, like when you do those things and the 0:17:24.680 --> 0:17:27.160 parents come out in the middle of the summer, they're 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:29.480 clapping and they're like, oh fucking hell, it's so hot 0:17:29.520 --> 0:17:31.840 in humid when's this thing going to be over? And 0:17:32.640 --> 0:17:34.800 none of the kids wanted to dance near me or 0:17:34.800 --> 0:17:39.600 hold my hand because I looked different than everybody else. 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:45.840 Nobody looked like me growing up. And I think how 0:17:45.920 --> 0:17:49.480 that shaped me and connected me to people, amongst many 0:17:49.520 --> 0:17:56.240 other painful but formative experiences, was you know, I had 0:17:56.240 --> 0:18:00.520 a disdain for people who are ostracized, the mission treated 0:18:01.400 --> 0:18:05.400 because they don't look like somebody else or how somebody 0:18:05.560 --> 0:18:10.880 thinks that person should look, because I know how much 0:18:10.960 --> 0:18:16.119 that hurts and how many presuppositions and how much cruelty 0:18:16.240 --> 0:18:19.600 is built into something like that. Because I didn't fit 0:18:19.640 --> 0:18:21.800 in with anyone, because it was absolutely no when I 0:18:21.840 --> 0:18:24.679 looked like I was like, Am I glad that I 0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:28.879 was going through my childhood, my teenage years physically deformed? No? 0:18:30.000 --> 0:18:31.600 If I can go back in time, but I do 0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:37.480 it again, Probably not. Am I grateful in retrospect that 0:18:37.520 --> 0:18:40.639 it happened? Yeah, because it opened me up to seeing 0:18:40.680 --> 0:18:42.959 people in a way that I might not have been 0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:47.199 able to say, so, you know, it's that feeling that 0:18:47.240 --> 0:18:52.040 we experience. But then there's that's interpretation and who does 0:18:52.080 --> 0:18:56.280 that make you? What identity emerges out of that story, 0:18:57.160 --> 0:18:58.320 out of that interpretation. 0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:01.199 Yeah, I love that. 0:19:01.720 --> 0:19:05.679 Just backpeddling a little bit, that idea of the importance 0:19:05.680 --> 0:19:09.720 of social connection and you know, like that, like we 0:19:09.760 --> 0:19:11.840 want to belong, right, we want to be part of 0:19:11.880 --> 0:19:15.840 something that's not just us, something bigger than us, where 0:19:15.880 --> 0:19:16.560 we feel. 0:19:16.359 --> 0:19:18.720 Valued and needed and seen and validated. 0:19:18.760 --> 0:19:25.439 And it's funny because I think I think, I don't know, 0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:27.320 I was going to say for you, and I definitely 0:19:27.359 --> 0:19:29.240 for me. I think maybe for you, But I think 0:19:29.320 --> 0:19:32.840 part of that is my work where even now where 0:19:33.680 --> 0:19:36.560 although not in real time or in real time, we're connecting, 0:19:36.600 --> 0:19:38.760 but you and I are connecting with thousands of people 0:19:38.800 --> 0:19:41.480 who are going to listen to this. And for me, 0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:47.399 apart from the responsibility of hopefully sharing some information and 0:19:47.480 --> 0:19:50.840 ideas that might be of value to people and potentially 0:19:51.600 --> 0:19:56.679 create some kind of positive outcome for them, just the 0:19:56.840 --> 0:20:02.000 idea of being in the middle a big conversation. You know, 0:20:02.920 --> 0:20:03.679 I enjoy that. 0:20:04.240 --> 0:20:05.160 I enjoy. 0:20:06.840 --> 0:20:08.680 Like I sat down with a guy this morning, called 0:20:08.720 --> 0:20:11.680 Scotty Douglas, who's a paramedic who's been on the show recently, 0:20:11.720 --> 0:20:14.760 who's just right now one of my favorite people. Is 0:20:14.880 --> 0:20:19.119 just a beautiful human being. And he's like he said, 0:20:19.320 --> 0:20:21.359 he said to me, I really want to thank you for, 0:20:22.040 --> 0:20:23.639 you know, letting me spend time with you. 0:20:23.720 --> 0:20:25.120 And I'm like, shut the fuck up. 0:20:25.800 --> 0:20:30.480 It's like, I'm not letting you spend time like we're 0:20:30.480 --> 0:20:33.159 hanging out. I like you, I said, I'm I'm not 0:20:33.200 --> 0:20:36.080 sitting with you to do you a favor. I like you. 0:20:36.160 --> 0:20:39.159 I want to spend time with you. I get I 0:20:39.200 --> 0:20:41.560 don't know what you get, but I get plenty, you know. 0:20:41.640 --> 0:20:45.720 And it's just being with people where there. 0:20:45.680 --> 0:20:50.480 Is that that love and that connection and that lack 0:20:50.480 --> 0:20:54.040 of agenda or strategy, like we're not here for a 0:20:54.080 --> 0:20:58.240 strategic reason, you know, we're just connected. 0:20:58.280 --> 0:21:01.880 And I think that's you know, I think no matter. 0:21:01.680 --> 0:21:03.520 What you do or what you grow, or what you 0:21:03.720 --> 0:21:07.760 what you earn or own or have like an existence 0:21:07.840 --> 0:21:11.720 without that deep connection with other humans. 0:21:13.200 --> 0:21:15.080 Life's tough. Life's tough. 0:21:15.119 --> 0:21:17.239 And I mean, you know, we've spoken, You and I 0:21:17.240 --> 0:21:24.160 have spoken about the impact of socialization or lack thereof, 0:21:24.720 --> 0:21:28.679 on physical health, longevity, health span. You know, it's like 0:21:28.840 --> 0:21:33.520 humans actually to be healthy, and not just emotionally and 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:38.440 mentally healthy, but physically healthy, we need we need love, 0:21:38.520 --> 0:21:42.120 we need connection, we need belonging. You know, it's it's 0:21:42.200 --> 0:21:45.840 such a huge component of who we're meant to be. 0:21:47.720 --> 0:21:50.320 It's one of the things that concerns me where disagreement 0:21:50.359 --> 0:21:54.560 turns into disdain. And I mean you could you could 0:21:54.720 --> 0:22:01.359 maybe say that tribalism, people feel disconnected, feel marginalized, and 0:22:01.400 --> 0:22:05.919 then they find consensus within a group that adds to 0:22:06.240 --> 0:22:09.120 a sense of belonging. Maybe not in a constructive way, 0:22:10.040 --> 0:22:13.159 but as a society, I feel like we're getting a 0:22:13.280 --> 0:22:18.280 bit too fragmented in quite scary ways. Because you're right, 0:22:18.760 --> 0:22:21.439 I couldn't agree with you more of this, and there's 0:22:21.480 --> 0:22:24.800 not a lack of research to show it's not just 0:22:24.840 --> 0:22:28.119 our mental health, it's it's our sense of physical well 0:22:28.200 --> 0:22:33.280 being that's at stake when we live in in in 0:22:33.600 --> 0:22:36.600 fragmented relationships. I mean, if you do a root cause 0:22:36.600 --> 0:22:39.560 analysis of anything anybody wants, well, you know I want 0:22:39.560 --> 0:22:42.760 to really start a business. Well why is that important 0:22:42.760 --> 0:22:45.159 to you? Oh? So you know one day, you know, 0:22:45.320 --> 0:22:49.000 when I operationalize it you know, and scalable, I can 0:22:49.040 --> 0:22:51.359 have freedom. Okay, well why is that important to you? 0:22:51.400 --> 0:22:55.040 Al go different places? But why why? Why why? When 0:22:55.080 --> 0:22:58.560 you get to the end of that, again, not for everybody, 0:22:58.800 --> 0:23:04.800 but for the vast majority of us, it's relationships. It's 0:23:04.880 --> 0:23:09.240 so there's an intersection between you and me, and I 0:23:09.320 --> 0:23:14.919 love that relational convergence point where means in the ends 0:23:15.400 --> 0:23:20.399 meet and they're inseparable and indiscernible from one another, because 0:23:20.440 --> 0:23:25.159 that's where I believe happiness lies. And longest running A 0:23:25.160 --> 0:23:28.199 longitudinal study in history out of Harvard started in nineteen 0:23:28.240 --> 0:23:33.360 thirty eight, shows that as well, regardless of the socioeconomic background. 0:23:33.520 --> 0:23:37.440 Now again these were like white men. It was nineteen 0:23:37.520 --> 0:23:41.600 thirty eight, so this study does have its flaws, but 0:23:41.760 --> 0:23:45.119 across the board, it was not even the number, but 0:23:45.200 --> 0:23:49.879 the quality of relationships that contributed most to happiness, and 0:23:49.920 --> 0:23:53.680 happiness is a major contributor to well being. I mean, 0:23:53.800 --> 0:23:55.560 can you say you're living in a state of well 0:23:55.560 --> 0:23:57.880 being and being miserable? Probably not. 0:24:00.160 --> 0:24:00.360 So. 0:24:00.640 --> 0:24:04.920 I think about the most memorable and meaningful things that 0:24:05.000 --> 0:24:09.359 I've done in my life was always with other people. 0:24:10.680 --> 0:24:15.760 Like I've individually achieved some good things, but I look 0:24:15.840 --> 0:24:17.840 back at like, right, you've written books. 0:24:17.840 --> 0:24:18.600 I've written books. 0:24:18.600 --> 0:24:20.959