WEBVTT - The Lady Musgrave Trust 0:00:05.921 --> 0:00:07.281 Apogae Production. 0:00:10.241 --> 0:00:13.641 Hi, my name's Beck Woodbine and welcome to Tenderness for Nurses. 0:00:14.241 --> 0:00:17.961 I'm grateful for the person that I have the opportunity 0:00:18.081 --> 0:00:21.640 to be, so I hit it and parked it for 0:00:21.761 --> 0:00:24.881 Nelly four years. We always have free will, we always 0:00:24.921 --> 0:00:26.841 get to choose. We are autonomous. 0:00:27.321 --> 0:00:31.601 Welcome to Teninists for Nurses. I'm Beck your host, and 0:00:31.681 --> 0:00:34.921 I have the wonderful Victoria Parker, who is the CEO 0:00:35.081 --> 0:00:38.760 of the Lady Musgrave Trust with me today. Just a 0:00:38.760 --> 0:00:42.601 little bit of info about the Lady Musgrave Trust. It 0:00:42.641 --> 0:00:46.361 is Queensland's oldest charity and they do a lot of 0:00:46.361 --> 0:00:50.881 work for women within the DV housing space, which we 0:00:51.001 --> 0:00:53.400 know if you've listened to a couple of my podcasts ago, 0:00:53.961 --> 0:00:57.681 what a huge issue housing is. But they're all about 0:00:57.721 --> 0:01:03.361 providing practical solutions that help women save lives. They also 0:01:03.441 --> 0:01:06.681 help transition women that are at They help them get 0:01:06.801 --> 0:01:11.640 jobs and also to assimilate them from needing a house 0:01:11.801 --> 0:01:16.481 to actually being in their own rental home or home 0:01:16.801 --> 0:01:20.041 or whatever transpires for them. So thank you so much 0:01:20.081 --> 0:01:22.640 for taking the time, Victoria to come and chat with me. 0:01:23.121 --> 0:01:25.080 My pleasure. That's a great summary of what we do. 0:01:25.881 --> 0:01:31.560 I did my research. How about you fill us in 0:01:31.560 --> 0:01:34.440 in your own words about what the Lady must Grave 0:01:34.481 --> 0:01:38.360 Trust does and who it helps and how it helps. 0:01:38.681 --> 0:01:41.360 So, as you say, with Queensland's oldest charity, this year 0:01:41.441 --> 0:01:44.721 is our one hundred and fortieth anniversary and it's essentially 0:01:44.721 --> 0:01:46.921 the birthday we wish we never had to have because 0:01:47.121 --> 0:01:50.801 by the very fact that we're still operating means that 0:01:50.841 --> 0:01:53.841 we're still in business and as you just mentioned, the 0:01:54.281 --> 0:01:58.041 reason why we're around has never been more necessary. And 0:01:58.081 --> 0:02:00.481 so in fact business is booming, which is something we 0:02:00.481 --> 0:02:03.441 don't want to have from the interm profits space. So the 0:02:03.521 --> 0:02:07.521 Lady must Grave Trust we provide housing solutions to young 0:02:07.561 --> 0:02:10.520 women and children who were experiencing or at risk of homelessness. 0:02:10.761 --> 0:02:13.840 We started in eighteen eighty five and way back then. 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:16.400 The reason why we started is that the big boats 0:02:16.401 --> 0:02:18.841 that were coming across from Europe to settle in Australia. 0:02:19.441 --> 0:02:22.441 They landed in the immigration port in Brisbane, which is 0:02:22.481 --> 0:02:25.361 just under Queen's Wharf where Queen's Wolf is now, and 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:28.161 these young women were of service on the boats. When 0:02:28.161 --> 0:02:30.601 they arrived in Brisbane, they got off the boat and 0:02:30.761 --> 0:02:34.280 essentially they were unemployed and homeless, and the government of 0:02:34.281 --> 0:02:36.081 the day didn't see that as being an issue, but 0:02:36.240 --> 0:02:38.561 Lady Musgrave did. She was the wife of one of 0:02:38.601 --> 0:02:41.361 the first governors of Queensland, so she was quite a 0:02:41.481 --> 0:02:44.681 progressive woman that in the day she had been living 0:02:44.680 --> 0:02:47.041 with her husband all across the world, and so she 0:02:47.081 --> 0:02:49.281 saw this as being an issue. So she gathered up 0:02:49.321 --> 0:02:51.000 these young women and she put them into a safe 0:02:51.001 --> 0:02:53.601 place to live. But not only did she recognize the 0:02:53.721 --> 0:02:56.121 value of a safe place to live, but she also 0:02:56.161 --> 0:02:59.041 identified that the two key leavers out of disadvantage and 0:02:59.081 --> 0:03:02.841 poverty looking at employment and education opportunities. So she connected 0:03:02.841 --> 0:03:05.441 these young women to services and skills they could then 0:03:05.481 --> 0:03:08.401 become financially independent in their own right. So those are 0:03:08.401 --> 0:03:10.961 the foundations for the Lady musk Grave Trust still today. 0:03:11.441 --> 0:03:13.761 But the reason why we have so many young women 0:03:14.001 --> 0:03:15.961 and their children looking for a place to live is 0:03:16.001 --> 0:03:19.641 because of domestic and family violence. That is the scourg 0:03:19.721 --> 0:03:22.801 that we are facing today and one hundred percent of 0:03:22.841 --> 0:03:25.441 the women that we support have been impacted by violence. 0:03:25.441 --> 0:03:27.441 It's one to one, So there's no doubt that that's 0:03:27.441 --> 0:03:30.561 a leading precursor for young women needing a safe place 0:03:30.561 --> 0:03:30.921 to live. 0:03:31.161 --> 0:03:34.561 So is there an age limit that you look after. 0:03:34.921 --> 0:03:38.281 Yeah, so we have because we're a trust, a charitable organization, 0:03:38.841 --> 0:03:41.961 we have objects and those objects are legally binding to 0:03:42.001 --> 0:03:44.921 the operations of our organization, and we only have a few. 0:03:45.081 --> 0:03:47.641 One is that we support young women, and so we're 0:03:47.681 --> 0:03:51.361 interpreting that is under the age of thirty. Also, these 0:03:51.361 --> 0:03:53.921 women need to be experiencing or at risk of homelessness. 0:03:54.321 --> 0:03:57.521 And we also because we're a transitional housing service, which 0:03:57.561 --> 0:04:01.081 means that we're not an emergency or a refuge. So 0:04:01.121 --> 0:04:03.121 that means that women move into our properties, they get 0:04:03.161 --> 0:04:05.681 a lease in their name, which is really powerful for 0:04:05.721 --> 0:04:07.761 a young woman to absolutely have the lease in their 0:04:07.801 --> 0:04:10.561 name and have the opportunity to get a positive rental record. 0:04:10.921 --> 0:04:13.001 So this is transitional. So they live with us in 0:04:13.041 --> 0:04:16.041 our properties for twelve months or eighteen months as required, 0:04:16.481 --> 0:04:19.241 and the viewers that they're then transitioning to long term housing. 0:04:19.521 --> 0:04:22.200 So that's really the framework of which we offer. But 0:04:22.241 --> 0:04:24.881 then when women move into our properties, we as an 0:04:24.961 --> 0:04:28.320 organization do whatever we can within our power to support 0:04:28.320 --> 0:04:30.760 these young women to identify their goals and then work 0:04:30.801 --> 0:04:31.361 towards them. 0:04:31.681 --> 0:04:34.681 How do the women get in touch with your organization 0:04:34.801 --> 0:04:35.401 with your trust. 0:04:35.681 --> 0:04:39.161 We are a very small organization and we're purposefully staying 0:04:39.241 --> 0:04:42.441 small and in order to deliver our service, we partner 0:04:42.481 --> 0:04:45.361 with excellent organizations that are really good at what they do, 0:04:45.961 --> 0:04:49.281 and we understand that for young women who are experiencing 0:04:49.401 --> 0:04:52.080 trauma and at risk, our trust is a really big 0:04:52.121 --> 0:04:54.161 thing and so quite often it's hard to form those 0:04:54.201 --> 0:04:56.961 relationships and we don't want to have to duplicate and 0:04:57.041 --> 0:05:00.521 ask women to form relationships with us unnecessarily, so we 0:05:01.320 --> 0:05:05.161 encourage referrals through our partner organizations, which are community services 0:05:05.521 --> 0:05:09.481 located throughout Queensland, and they refer into us when we 0:05:09.521 --> 0:05:12.041 have a vacancy. So we have a very small portfolio 0:05:12.041 --> 0:05:16.001 of properties. We don't receive any recurrent government funding. So 0:05:16.161 --> 0:05:18.481 for the entirety of our history, we have only been 0:05:18.880 --> 0:05:23.321 alive and possible because of support from the community and 0:05:23.401 --> 0:05:28.041 corporate organizations and like minded philanthropic funds. And again I 0:05:28.161 --> 0:05:31.041 like that. I think it's important again for us to 0:05:31.361 --> 0:05:35.041 provide a service to the community and fill that gap 0:05:35.081 --> 0:05:38.361 between what community needs and how government responds. We then 0:05:38.440 --> 0:05:41.121 prove up what works and we make available to government 0:05:41.401 --> 0:05:44.840 that evidence to form their program and funding decisions. 0:05:45.281 --> 0:05:49.880 Is it mainly in your experience certain economic groups that 0:05:49.961 --> 0:05:52.281 are more impacted than others, or do you find it's 0:05:52.440 --> 0:05:54.081 just now across the board. 0:05:54.361 --> 0:05:59.241 So certainly, domestic and family of violence is everywhere. It 0:05:59.281 --> 0:06:04.921 does not discriminate with age or socioeconomic, or education or ethnic. 0:06:05.601 --> 0:06:08.201 But we do know it affects those who are disadvantaged, 0:06:08.281 --> 0:06:11.361 who those who live in hardship and in poverty much worse. 0:06:12.001 --> 0:06:15.121 We know it is more common in those communities and 0:06:15.161 --> 0:06:17.721 there are reasons for that. Some of those reasons are 0:06:17.880 --> 0:06:22.081 that it's intergenerational, so families that grow up in violence 0:06:22.401 --> 0:06:26.761 then create families which have violence occurring. We also know 0:06:26.921 --> 0:06:30.721 that when there aren't support networks wrapped around someone, then 0:06:30.921 --> 0:06:33.441 their likelihood to be affected by domestican family violence in 0:06:33.481 --> 0:06:37.281 an ongoing way is increased. We also know educations are 0:06:37.320 --> 0:06:41.880 really key thing, yes, particularly when domestican family violence sometimes 0:06:42.001 --> 0:06:44.161 is not obvious. And that's getting into the area of 0:06:44.201 --> 0:06:49.401 conversive control where it's really subtle and it's really personalized 0:06:49.481 --> 0:06:51.801 to the relationship between the man and the woman. And 0:06:52.081 --> 0:06:54.561 I'm saying man and woman because it is a gendered issue. 0:06:55.281 --> 0:07:00.681 Most prominently, violence occurs in every relationship, but the domestican 0:07:00.721 --> 0:07:02.960 family violence that the lady must grave trust responds to 0:07:03.641 --> 0:07:07.081 is the violence that is that woman experience and that 0:07:07.161 --> 0:07:09.601 results in them needing a safe place to live. 0:07:09.841 --> 0:07:15.161 It's funny. I've always said to my daughter and to 0:07:15.361 --> 0:07:19.761 my son's partner, you girls have your own bank accounts. 0:07:20.001 --> 0:07:22.681 You make sure you're always financially independent. And you know 0:07:22.721 --> 0:07:26.600 I'm saying this to my son's partner, but it doesn't matter. 0:07:26.761 --> 0:07:29.841 They have to have that financial independence whether you're in 0:07:29.881 --> 0:07:31.401 a relationship or not. 0:07:32.321 --> 0:07:34.121 And it gives a choice. 0:07:34.201 --> 0:07:36.161 Yeah, And they look at me and they go, oh. 0:07:35.841 --> 0:07:39.441 No, it's really important, so important. I mean so many 0:07:39.601 --> 0:07:44.361 situations where financial abuse is rampant. One of our tenants, 0:07:44.441 --> 0:07:47.281 a young twenty three year old woman, was sharing with 0:07:47.441 --> 0:07:49.921 me her story and it just really struck me how 0:07:49.921 --> 0:07:53.401 sophisticated some of this financial abuse can be. In that 0:07:53.681 --> 0:07:59.801 her boyfriend was somehow learned that he could transfer money 0:07:59.801 --> 0:08:01.641 in and out of her account to the point where 0:08:01.641 --> 0:08:04.081 the bank thought something was shady and shut down her account. 0:08:05.121 --> 0:08:06.921 He had all of her id so that she wasn't 0:08:06.921 --> 0:08:09.841 able to then set up in another account, and he 0:08:09.961 --> 0:08:13.281 then inserted an iPod airtracker into the sole of her 0:08:13.321 --> 0:08:16.201 shoes so that he could track her. So this level 0:08:16.241 --> 0:08:19.921 of sophistication meant that she was then unable to go 0:08:19.961 --> 0:08:22.281 to a refuge because she had been tracked and it 0:08:22.281 --> 0:08:26.001 would put other residents at risk. And it was really 0:08:26.041 --> 0:08:28.361 only when she was bushwalking with a friend that she 0:08:28.521 --> 0:08:30.721 discovered that this tracker was happening. She kept seeing the 0:08:30.721 --> 0:08:33.041 alert come up. She wasn't sure it was about until 0:08:33.041 --> 0:08:35.001 her friend said, what is that? Why is it coming 0:08:35.081 --> 0:08:38.321 up with my phone? So the lens that people go 0:08:38.401 --> 0:08:44.161 to in order to control women is frightening. And so 0:08:44.241 --> 0:08:47.001 when I say education, it's not just formal education, but 0:08:47.081 --> 0:08:49.361 it's also an awareness of what the red flags of 0:08:49.361 --> 0:08:52.361 an unhealthy relationship are. And again they're different, they're different 0:08:52.361 --> 0:08:56.241 for every relationship. But you can say that there's jealousy, 0:08:56.601 --> 0:08:59.761 love bombing, so that fast tracking of a relationship and 0:08:59.801 --> 0:09:02.201 so much love and so many gifts, and then was 0:09:02.241 --> 0:09:04.561 holding it if you're not doing and performing as you 0:09:04.561 --> 0:09:08.041 should in the eyes of your partner. Isolation and estrangement 0:09:08.161 --> 0:09:12.201 from family and friends, Data control, control over your social 0:09:12.241 --> 0:09:14.761 media accounts, telling you what to wear, what you should do. 0:09:15.681 --> 0:09:18.721 All of those are examples of controlling behavior. Not all 0:09:18.761 --> 0:09:21.561 of the meaning that it's an unhealthy relationship, but they 0:09:21.561 --> 0:09:25.321 are all things to consider. Whereas the green flags of 0:09:25.321 --> 0:09:29.041 healthy relationships, they're pretty consistent and ability to communicate, an 0:09:29.121 --> 0:09:32.681 ability to own in one's own position in the relationship, 0:09:32.921 --> 0:09:37.121 financial independence, trust, trust, and I'm not an expert in 0:09:37.161 --> 0:09:39.601 domestic violence. In terms of the work that I do, 0:09:40.201 --> 0:09:42.401 we are more on the side of housing, but I 0:09:42.441 --> 0:09:45.041 know a little bit because of the women that we support. 0:09:45.361 --> 0:09:47.721 But I'm more focused on the housing that we provide 0:09:47.761 --> 0:09:51.561 because I do know that one of the best things 0:09:51.561 --> 0:09:54.641 that can be made available to Queensland and Australian women 0:09:55.321 --> 0:09:58.641 is the chance and the choice to go somewhere safe 0:09:58.681 --> 0:10:02.401 if they're unsafe in their current home. And unfortunately Queensland 0:10:02.401 --> 0:10:05.441 and Australia they don't offer enough and so more than not, 0:10:06.081 --> 0:10:08.841 women are having to stay in the situation they're in, 0:10:09.441 --> 0:10:13.481 or they are considering homelessness as a better option. 0:10:13.961 --> 0:10:16.561 If someone wanted to, you know, they get in touch 0:10:16.561 --> 0:10:19.641 with an agency. They're very concerned about, you know, their welfare. 0:10:20.881 --> 0:10:22.681 I know a lot of women have in the past, 0:10:22.721 --> 0:10:24.881 and I'm not bagging the police or anything like that, 0:10:24.921 --> 0:10:28.561 but you know, have presented and being turned away and 0:10:29.721 --> 0:10:32.841 where where do they go if they're really scared? I mean, 0:10:32.881 --> 0:10:37.081 what do they do with you talking to the women 0:10:37.121 --> 0:10:39.681 that you have spoken to and helped? Do they just 0:10:39.681 --> 0:10:42.281 go up in a car and sleep rough in the car? 0:10:42.681 --> 0:10:46.281 And I'm sure do? I mean absolutely. The first advice 0:10:46.321 --> 0:10:48.881 is if you're not, if you're in an unsafe situation, 0:10:48.961 --> 0:10:52.361 called the police. Without a doubt, call the police. On 0:10:52.401 --> 0:10:55.521 a note on Queensland Police Service, they are doing credible 0:10:55.561 --> 0:10:59.561 work in improving understanding in their response to domestican family 0:10:59.561 --> 0:11:03.801 of violence. The unfortunate thing is that they're underresourced, Like 0:11:03.881 --> 0:11:05.441 the demand is enormous. 0:11:05.281 --> 0:11:08.081 And imagine the vicarious trauma those guys are facing all 0:11:08.121 --> 0:11:12.081 the time, you know, showing up to you know, some 0:11:12.121 --> 0:11:14.001 of the scenes would be horrendous that they see. 0:11:14.161 --> 0:11:16.601 Yeah, yeah, And I think on average I was reading 0:11:16.641 --> 0:11:18.841 just this morning in the article that you and I 0:11:18.841 --> 0:11:22.361 were talking about earlier, each domestican family of violence incident 0:11:22.441 --> 0:11:26.041 they respond to averages about four to six hours. And 0:11:26.161 --> 0:11:27.961 just the other day in Logan there were one hundred 0:11:28.521 --> 0:11:31.281 underresourced calls that the police could not respond to. 0:11:32.081 --> 0:11:36.561 How do we change this? What is happening in our society? 0:11:36.721 --> 0:11:41.121 That is it? The levels of stress. Is it financial problems? 0:11:41.321 --> 0:11:46.441 Is it I know, social media? Is it past trauma? 0:11:46.681 --> 0:11:49.961 Is it intergenerational trauma? I mean I remember some things 0:11:50.001 --> 0:11:52.721 as a kid growing up, but as in not in 0:11:52.721 --> 0:11:55.441 my family, but you know, friends at school. To me, 0:11:55.561 --> 0:11:58.441 it seems maybe I'm more aware, but it seems to 0:11:58.441 --> 0:12:00.201 be a real problem. 0:12:00.481 --> 0:12:03.001 Oh, there's no doubt it's a real problem. And I 0:12:03.001 --> 0:12:05.161 think it's everything that you said. I think there is 0:12:06.481 --> 0:12:10.921 definitely an increased awareness of what domestic family of violence is, 0:12:11.681 --> 0:12:15.881 and there is an increased ability for women to power 0:12:15.881 --> 0:12:17.441 for them to ask for help. I think there is 0:12:17.481 --> 0:12:20.281 definitely an increase in women asking for help. I think 0:12:20.281 --> 0:12:25.921 they're an increase in services. But from what I see 0:12:25.921 --> 0:12:27.961 on the street and what I hear from our partners, 0:12:28.441 --> 0:12:32.201 the demand is greater than the services available and the 0:12:32.241 --> 0:12:34.841 funding available. And I think it's everything that you mentioned. 0:12:34.841 --> 0:12:38.161 I think it is definitely increased hardship where times are 0:12:38.201 --> 0:12:43.001 tough right now for everyone. I think definitely that impacts 0:12:43.201 --> 0:12:47.561 impacts more significantly in people's views and their ability to 0:12:47.681 --> 0:12:51.361 manage and regulate their own emotions and violence being a solution. 0:12:51.761 --> 0:12:53.361 And you've got the stuff on TV, but I mean 0:12:53.481 --> 0:12:56.801 violence is everywhere you look at the games the people 0:12:56.841 --> 0:13:01.241 play and the young kids, they're so violence some of 0:13:01.241 --> 0:13:04.681 those games and some of them what they do to 0:13:04.761 --> 0:13:07.321 women in those games is horrendous. 0:13:07.641 --> 0:13:10.321 And there are influences that are making enormous amounts of 0:13:10.321 --> 0:13:14.641 money on the back of encouraging men to have unhealthy 0:13:14.681 --> 0:13:18.401 relationships with women. And then you think about porn that 0:13:18.521 --> 0:13:26.641 it perpetuates these really unhealthy, unsatisfying, unrealistic situations. But the 0:13:26.721 --> 0:13:31.601 solution is twofold I reckon. The solution is absolutely increasing targeted, 0:13:31.641 --> 0:13:36.441 high quality support, making sure that there are safe places 0:13:36.441 --> 0:13:38.881 for women to go to when they need to. But 0:13:39.241 --> 0:13:42.841 also it's working with our young people. It's interrupting and 0:13:42.881 --> 0:13:48.001 preventing that continuum of unhealthiness that then leads through to violence. 0:13:48.681 --> 0:13:50.601 We do a lot of work with Small Steps for Hannah, 0:13:50.641 --> 0:13:54.881 which is an incredible organization, the work that Lloyd and 0:13:54.961 --> 0:14:00.241 Sue have done, and they're bravery encouraged, but there are 0:14:00.321 --> 0:14:03.081 solutions and the work that Small Steps for Hannah are doing. 0:14:03.121 --> 0:14:06.761 They've changed legislation, which is phenomenal, They've increased awareness amongst 0:14:06.801 --> 0:14:10.561 our community. But what they're really doing so powerfully is 0:14:10.561 --> 0:14:13.441 they're developing an educational program that is going into schools 0:14:13.961 --> 0:14:18.481 and workplaces to change the cultural understanding about what is 0:14:18.521 --> 0:14:24.121 healthy masculinity. Particularly, So there's this amazing legend called Dave Kramer, 0:14:24.121 --> 0:14:26.201 who should absolutely be sitting in the seat in a 0:14:26.201 --> 0:14:31.881 future episode. And he's developed this program called Holt, and 0:14:32.401 --> 0:14:38.281 he speaks so powerfully around what healthy masculinity looks like 0:14:39.481 --> 0:14:42.721 and the work that he does in talking to young boys, 0:14:42.961 --> 0:14:48.001 particularly in schools and workplaces, and his view and I'm 0:14:48.001 --> 0:14:50.481 just repeating what he says because it really struck with me, 0:14:51.201 --> 0:14:53.921 is that there's this continuum of unhealthiness when it comes 0:14:53.921 --> 0:14:57.721 to toxic masculinity or unhealthy masculinity, and it starts at 0:14:57.761 --> 0:15:01.561 one end, which seemingly might be harmless, which is, you know, 0:15:01.681 --> 0:15:05.361 sexist jokes, wolf whistles. That's at one end. The other 0:15:05.521 --> 0:15:11.041 end is violence and murder and rape. And while not 0:15:11.161 --> 0:15:14.121 everyone who will whistles or says a sexist joke will 0:15:14.161 --> 0:15:17.641 become a murderer, absolutely one hundred percent of the murderers 0:15:17.641 --> 0:15:20.041 started at the other end, where they had an unhealthy 0:15:20.201 --> 0:15:23.161 idea of a woman in a very seemingly in a 0:15:23.241 --> 0:15:26.481 vanilla sense. But you can, actually you can intercept the 0:15:26.641 --> 0:15:29.921 murderers and the rapists and the violent perpetrators right down 0:15:30.001 --> 0:15:32.281 here in the early days before it gets more serious, 0:15:32.561 --> 0:15:36.121 and ultimately, hopefully then once those young people have a 0:15:36.161 --> 0:15:39.761 better understanding or a more healthy understanding about masculinity and 0:15:39.841 --> 0:15:43.801 relationships with women, that they then have families and then 0:15:43.961 --> 0:15:47.121 continue that healthy situation in their own family. 0:15:47.321 --> 0:15:50.361 I remember one time I was pretty strict with what 0:15:50.401 --> 0:15:53.961 the kids watched on the computers. And you know, if 0:15:53.961 --> 0:15:56.481 they shut the computer, they had to reopen it up 0:15:56.721 --> 0:15:59.201 for me to have a look like I was. You know, 0:15:59.281 --> 0:16:02.481 I was paying for it. I had, and they weren't eighteen, 0:16:02.521 --> 0:16:03.881 so I had every right to have a look at 0:16:03.921 --> 0:16:05.481 what I needed to have a look at. And I 0:16:05.481 --> 0:16:09.161 remember one day when Jake was younger and be horrified. 0:16:09.161 --> 0:16:11.601 I'm going to tell the story, but I said to him, 0:16:11.761 --> 0:16:15.641 have you seen any pawn? And where he saw the 0:16:15.641 --> 0:16:19.801 first time was on the school bus school bus with 0:16:19.841 --> 0:16:20.961 all the school boys, because. 0:16:20.721 --> 0:16:22.841 He went to place right on your way to school. 0:16:23.481 --> 0:16:26.081 And it was at that point I sat him down 0:16:26.121 --> 0:16:30.401 and I said, sweetheart, you realize what you're seeing is 0:16:30.721 --> 0:16:33.841 just all show. I said, that is not what a 0:16:33.921 --> 0:16:39.601 loving relationship is about. And because of the nature of 0:16:39.641 --> 0:16:42.841 my work and my clients and patients coming in and 0:16:42.841 --> 0:16:46.201 what they tell me that have been on the apps 0:16:46.241 --> 0:16:49.641 and gone out on these random dates or whatever. There 0:16:49.721 --> 0:16:54.001 is this idea that normal sex, and this is coming 0:16:54.001 --> 0:16:57.761 from women that are client to mine, is someone holding 0:16:58.081 --> 0:17:01.681 their neck anal sex on the first date that they 0:17:01.721 --> 0:17:05.921 think that's the north average, that they think that every 0:17:05.961 --> 0:17:11.441 female has this perfect, tiny little vagina. Things that are 0:17:11.481 --> 0:17:13.840 just completely wrong. 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:14.520 Yeah, I know. 0:17:15.041 --> 0:17:17.880 And so I had to have this conversation with him 0:17:18.001 --> 0:17:21.440 that and he was mortified. But I'll be damned if 0:17:21.481 --> 0:17:23.881 I wasn't going to have my son be a respectful 0:17:24.041 --> 0:17:27.801 young man because they just not on your not on 0:17:27.801 --> 0:17:32.521 my watch. And you know, he's got the most beautiful partner. 0:17:32.801 --> 0:17:36.241 He is the most loving son and partner to Lily. 0:17:36.281 --> 0:17:40.120 And you know, even though they were really hard conversations 0:17:40.160 --> 0:17:43.080 when he was younger and both of us were uncomfortable, 0:17:43.321 --> 0:17:44.840 I'm so pleased I did. 0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:47.801 Yeah, it sounds like you and I had almost the 0:17:47.840 --> 0:17:49.960 same conversation with our son, Is that right, Yeah, so 0:17:50.041 --> 0:17:51.681 I said the same. I said, you do know that 0:17:51.681 --> 0:17:54.801 that's not real, and you do know that those women 0:17:54.880 --> 0:17:56.961 are not enjoying it, And he's like, of course, well 0:17:56.961 --> 0:17:59.720 I know that I know that, and now he is 0:17:59.721 --> 0:18:01.360 in a beautiful relationship. 0:18:00.840 --> 0:18:04.201 With a lily as well. I was right, Oh my god, 0:18:05.241 --> 0:18:08.000 But I mean, did you feel uncomfortable in that moment? 0:18:08.281 --> 0:18:09.360 But I could not walk past it. 0:18:09.441 --> 0:18:10.121 No, I couldn't either. 0:18:10.120 --> 0:18:11.120 I could not walk past it. 0:18:11.321 --> 0:18:11.521 I did. 0:18:12.001 --> 0:18:15.360 I had to. I had to bring it up in 0:18:15.400 --> 0:18:18.400 the work that I do, even without the work that 0:18:18.441 --> 0:18:21.041 we do, the fact that we are women and we 0:18:21.561 --> 0:18:25.680 it is our responsibility, but it's everyone's responsibility. But I 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:29.561 feel extra responsible for raising a sun and wanting to 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:34.761 make sure that I do everything I can. He's always 0:18:34.761 --> 0:18:37.360 got free will I do everything I have every give 0:18:37.481 --> 0:18:40.200 him everything that is possible for him to have the 0:18:40.241 --> 0:18:43.080 tools to make the right decisions in our community. 0:18:43.400 --> 0:18:44.161 Yeah, wonderful. 0:18:44.281 --> 0:18:45.881 Yeah, that's it. That's all I can do. I can't 0:18:45.921 --> 0:18:49.961 control him, but I can control what I make available 0:18:50.201 --> 0:18:52.680 for him to then use as an adult. 0:18:53.521 --> 0:18:56.801 And it's not easy doing that, and it's not easy 0:18:56.880 --> 0:19:01.561 asking those questions because I remember my sister once walked 0:19:01.600 --> 0:19:06.480 in on her son and he had and that was 0:19:06.481 --> 0:19:09.600 in the days where you could put something in and 0:19:09.640 --> 0:19:13.041 next thing you were on a completely horrendous website like 0:19:13.080 --> 0:19:16.481 this is like fifteen twenty years ago, and she walked 0:19:16.521 --> 0:19:19.321 in and here he was looking at one of those websites, 0:19:19.640 --> 0:19:21.640 and she had a heart attack and switched it off. 0:19:22.120 --> 0:19:24.680 And his words to her, and it's always stayed with 0:19:24.801 --> 0:19:26.680 me is, oh, thank god you did that, because you 0:19:26.681 --> 0:19:28.561 said I couldn't shut it off. 0:19:29.321 --> 0:19:32.481 Couldn't couldn't. Actually he couldn't. 0:19:32.441 --> 0:19:35.080 Brain, his brain couldn't shut off. 0:19:35.640 --> 0:19:38.600 So that I've read a bit about it, and again 0:19:38.640 --> 0:19:40.841 this is outside of my scope of what I do professionally, 0:19:40.880 --> 0:19:43.840 but I'm really interested in the brain. It's fascinating. I know, 0:19:43.921 --> 0:19:45.321 read a lot of books and I followed a lot 0:19:45.360 --> 0:19:47.960 of people around plasticity of the brain and how the 0:19:48.001 --> 0:19:53.520 brain works. And from what I understand, pawn activates that 0:19:53.561 --> 0:19:56.121 part of your brain that is like it's a dopamine response, 0:19:56.201 --> 0:19:59.520 and you become addicted to it quite quickly, and you 0:19:59.521 --> 0:20:01.561 get used to what you're watching quite quickly, so you 0:20:01.600 --> 0:20:04.521 always need to up the ante, and so you're constantly 0:20:04.521 --> 0:20:09.600 looking for more and more intense or porn or stimulation stimulus. 0:20:10.080 --> 0:20:12.160 And so you can imagine how that then impacts your 0:20:12.201 --> 0:20:16.241 own sexual relationship with your partner absolutely, And I can't 0:20:16.281 --> 0:20:18.521 imagine how it would feel to be trapped in that, 0:20:18.761 --> 0:20:21.640 like as a man or a woman having a porn 0:20:21.640 --> 0:20:25.640 addiction would be just torturous and you know the level 0:20:25.640 --> 0:20:28.561 of shame and the self disgusted, but you just can't 0:20:28.561 --> 0:20:30.641 stop and you keep get looking at worse and worse 0:20:30.681 --> 0:20:32.401 and worse. It would just be it's. 0:20:32.281 --> 0:20:35.440 Like any addiction. Yeah, it's like, you know, one bottle 0:20:35.481 --> 0:20:37.440 is not enough, you then go to two. It's like, 0:20:38.041 --> 0:20:40.120 you know, this particular drugs not enough, You've got to 0:20:40.160 --> 0:20:43.761 up it. It's the same with gambling, same with porn. 0:20:44.600 --> 0:20:47.840 You know, anything that hits that dopamine response and gets 0:20:47.880 --> 0:20:51.640 to you feeling great, but it just youah to have 0:20:51.761 --> 0:20:55.721 more and more and more. And that's why it's so destructive. 0:20:55.921 --> 0:20:59.241 And we're being manipulated to do that. That's the other thing. 0:20:59.360 --> 0:21:02.481 There are entities and individuals who. 0:21:02.360 --> 0:21:07.801 Are making a lot of money on that. Yeah, it's horrific, really, 0:21:08.561 --> 0:21:14.681 it's terrible. And it's just so easily accessible. Yeah, and 0:21:14.721 --> 0:21:19.321 if it's so easily accessible, then you know people that 0:21:19.441 --> 0:21:23.760 already have self control problems, I mean, that's going to 0:21:23.840 --> 0:21:26.041 feed into their problems totally. 0:21:26.241 --> 0:21:28.721 And again that's with the brain. So we know that 0:21:29.360 --> 0:21:32.641 the brain develops from an early age, and so they're 0:21:32.681 --> 0:21:36.721 all the things like self regulation and expression and connection 0:21:36.801 --> 0:21:39.080 and attachment are all developed in the first eight years 0:21:39.080 --> 0:21:41.761 of your life, and so if you're not exposed to 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:46.001 those environments, those positive environments, then you don't have those 0:21:46.561 --> 0:21:50.041 aspects in your brain that are developed, and so then 0:21:50.080 --> 0:21:55.080 you're far more susceptible to those stimulations and stimulus down 0:21:55.080 --> 0:22:00.921 the track. So essentially, then we're having adults whose brains 0:22:00.961 --> 0:22:04.881 have not developed in a healthy way, then being exposed 0:22:04.880 --> 0:22:09.721 to stimulation and reacting in ways that aren't moderated, aren't moderates, 0:22:09.761 --> 0:22:12.241 but are quite reasonable considering from where they've come from. 0:22:12.521 --> 0:22:15.200 And then they then create families, and because they have 0:22:15.281 --> 0:22:17.920 not been modeled out of a parent, they then parent and 0:22:18.001 --> 0:22:21.561