Speaker 1: Welcome to Healthyish. Thank you for joining us today on
Speaker 1: this Body and Soul podcast. I am your host, Felicity Halle. Now,
Speaker 1: mismatched libidos is the topic, so sexologist Lily Brown gets
Speaker 1: asked about a lot today. She joins us via our
Speaker 1: online studio to discuss factors that might be dampening your
Speaker 1: libido and how to manage the mismatched issue with your partner. Yes, folks,
Speaker 1: this week we are focusing on all things sex and relationships,
Speaker 1: picking apart our Body and Soul twenty twenty four Sex Census.
Speaker 1: Now make sure you listening to our sister podcast, Extra
Speaker 1: healthy Ish, where Lily talks about how to get out
Speaker 1: of your head and into foreplay or she calls it out.
Speaker 1: Of course you can catch that wherever we get your podcasts.
Speaker 1: Really is so nice to have you on Healthyish. Thank
Speaker 1: you for joining us today. What a pleasure.
Speaker 2: Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1: Felicity and I have to say, listeners, we both turned
Speaker 1: up in really bright colors, so for me, that's a
Speaker 1: sign that the warm weather is coming.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, spring is on the horizon, and as somebody
Speaker 2: who comes alive in the spring summer months, I'm very
Speaker 2: much looking forward.
Speaker 1: To that you and me both, which is probably why
Speaker 1: we're wearing the brighter into bright pink. But talk to
Speaker 1: us about what you hear. You know what's concerning you
Speaker 1: when it comes to well your clients and people's concerns
Speaker 1: around mismatched libidos.
Speaker 2: Mismatched libido and concerns around libido or desire are probably
Speaker 2: one of the biggest concerns I hear both from individuals
Speaker 2: and couples in my practice, and a lot of what
Speaker 2: I've been seeing in the last six to twelve months
Speaker 2: is people presenting with low libido and mismatched libido, so
Speaker 2: they have very little interest or desire for sex. And
Speaker 2: at the same time as all of these beautiful people
Speaker 2: that I'm speaking to experiencing low desire or mismatched desire,
Speaker 2: there's also a craving for more connection, more presence, and
Speaker 2: more pleasure both in the bedroom and beyond. And interestingly,
Speaker 2: as we're uncovering this, stress is one of the biggest
Speaker 2: things that is coming up and getting in the way
Speaker 2: have people been able to feel desire and been able
Speaker 2: to access pleasure. Stress is one of the biggest libido
Speaker 2: killers and dampens your desire so much. Don't underestimate how
Speaker 2: much of an impact that high stress levels can have
Speaker 2: on your desire. And so while they're craving more connection
Speaker 2: and presence and pleasure, a lot of them, what I'm
Speaker 2: observing is that they're a bit stuck in that they
Speaker 2: know that they want this and there's more to be experienced,
Speaker 2: but they've just got low or no libido.
Speaker 1: It's really interesting hearing that from you, because we talk
Speaker 1: a lot on this podcast about, you know, how the
Speaker 1: world is just getting busier and how the requirements on
Speaker 1: our time time. It just you know, even since the
Speaker 1: pandemic finished, we thought it was going to slow down
Speaker 1: a bit, but in fact it's tripled and quadrupled, and
Speaker 1: so many of us had just at that point of
Speaker 1: you know, teetering between being stressed and burnout, and we
Speaker 1: don't often think about the role this has on our
Speaker 1: libido completely.
Speaker 2: The world that we live in is constantly moving at
Speaker 2: breakneck speed. And there's an amazing sexuality educator, Euphenia Russell,
Speaker 2: and they say, we're experience, been on the podcast before, incredible,
Speaker 2: They're incredible. And one of the things Euphenea says is
Speaker 2: that we're experiencing a crisis of pace, and I think
Speaker 2: that is absolutely true. I know I hear it from
Speaker 2: my clients, my friends, my colleagues. Everyone is feeling exactly
Speaker 2: as you said, teetering on that edge of burnout almost
Speaker 2: all of the time. And not only is that really
Speaker 2: harmful to our nervous system in general and our capacity
Speaker 2: to enjoy life and prioritize pleasure and the things that
Speaker 2: feel good outside of a sexual context. But that of
Speaker 2: course comes into the bedroom with us.
Speaker 1: Talk to us about some other things that might affect
Speaker 1: a libido.
Speaker 2: So many things affect our desire or our libedo. It
Speaker 2: is almost an endless list, and so it's essential to
Speaker 2: recognize firstly that changes in desire or libido are a
Speaker 2: normal part of the human experience. Over the course of
Speaker 2: your life and realistically, over the course of a week,
Speaker 2: your desire levels will ebb and flow based on what
Speaker 2: you're being exposed to, what stimulus, what stresses, and so on,
Speaker 2: and so we can categorize them in a few ways.
Speaker 2: So there's physical things like health conditions. Certain medications, for example,
Speaker 2: antidepressants can lower your desire levels, what your hormones are doing.
Speaker 2: So we're out in your cycle, whether your perimenopausal or menopausal,
Speaker 2: what your testosterone levels are doing. So there's lots of
Speaker 2: physical things that can affect our desire, and tho's psychological things.
Speaker 2: So we've just mentioned stress. Mental health more broadly is
Speaker 2: a really important one. If you're feeling anxious, stress depressed,
Speaker 2: it's really hard to feel turned on. It's also additional
Speaker 2: things like body image or trauma history that can impact
Speaker 2: on desire. And there's relational things as well, which I
Speaker 2: think are often forgotten, but they are a really big
Speaker 2: part of desire. If there is conflict in your relationship
Speaker 2: or things aren't feeling well between you and your partner,
Speaker 2: of course that's going to impact your desire. How the
Speaker 2: mental load is being handled within your relationship, what your
Speaker 2: communication patterns are like. All of these things feed into desire.
Speaker 2: And then of course there's contextual things, and context is
Speaker 2: vital when it comes to desire, and really we need
Speaker 2: a context that is low stress, high trust, high affection,
Speaker 2: and explicitly erotic in order for our arousal and desire
Speaker 2: to thrive.
Speaker 1: The other thing I will add in there is social
Speaker 1: media and time spent on devices. I think this came
Speaker 1: up a few years ago in a study I saw,
Speaker 1: but that for me can take its toll on. And
Speaker 1: I love how you're calling it desire rather than libido.
Speaker 1: It seems a bit more like you want to get
Speaker 1: in touch with your desire. You can identify that a
Speaker 1: bit more. Libido seems quite scientific in some ways.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it does. And desire really refers to your wanting
Speaker 2: or your interest in sex. And I think when we
Speaker 2: reframe it in that way, it then becomes less pathologizing,
Speaker 2: and it allows us to be less judgmental of ourselves
Speaker 2: if we are experiencing low desire and instead get curious about, Okay,
Speaker 2: what is it that's impacting and influencing my desire at
Speaker 2: the moment? Is it? Have I had a really stressful
Speaker 2: few weeks at work? Have I been fighting with my
Speaker 2: partner more than usual? Am I dealing with some hormonal
Speaker 2: issues or some health issues right now? And just that reframe,
Speaker 2: I think, can help reduce a lot of pressure that
Speaker 2: we feel about trying to have our libido or our
Speaker 2: desire work in a certain way. Right A big thing
Speaker 2: that I hear with my clients is, oh, am I
Speaker 2: am I normal? Am I broken? Is it normal to
Speaker 2: not want sex very often? Is it normal to want
Speaker 2: sex every day, and there's no such thing as normal, really,
Speaker 2: it's what's normal to you, and even your libido or
Speaker 2: desire baseline, as we've just discussed, felicity will change based
Speaker 2: on all of these different contextual elements that are in
Speaker 2: the picture.
Speaker 1: How do we navigate it if you're in a partnership
Speaker 1: and you've got to mismatched levels of desire.
Speaker 2: Communication is obviously going to be my first year, and
Speaker 2: I know that we hear it all the time. Communication
Speaker 2: is key, but we need to actually speak about it
Speaker 2: with our partners because often what I see in my
Speaker 2: practice is people feeling really embarrassed and ashamed and they
Speaker 2: don't want to speak to their pasts about it. But
Speaker 2: when we do speak about it, we're able to offload
Speaker 2: some of that shame and step into a place of
Speaker 2: connection and understanding with our partner. And then after we've
Speaker 2: discussed what's going on, we're then able to get creative. So,
Speaker 2: if you are the lower libido partner or the lower
Speaker 2: desire partner, what would make you feel like sex more
Speaker 2: often or what would be helpful to get you in
Speaker 2: the mood. I think a big thing that people neglect
Speaker 2: is the level of emotional connection that's present in your relationship.
Speaker 2: For most of us, feeling emotionally connected and attuned to
Speaker 2: our partner is really important for desire to thrive. And
Speaker 2: so focusing on things that build non sexual intimacy or
Speaker 2: that foster a sense of connection or make you feel
Speaker 2: close to your partner is really important to create a
Speaker 2: context where desire can come forth. And I think in
Speaker 2: addition to that, it's also about getting creative about what's
Speaker 2: possible with our partner. And so maybe that doesn't mean
Speaker 2: having penetrative right, That's not the only thing that we
Speaker 2: can do. What about essential massage? What about a foot rub?
Speaker 2: What about taking a shower or a bath together, Things
Speaker 2: that are a bit slower paced and tend to have
Speaker 2: less pressure attached than thinking, all right, I need to
Speaker 2: get in the mood for sex.
Speaker 1: Great advice, Lily, Thank you for coming unhealthy my pleasure.
Speaker 2: Thanks Felicity.
Speaker 1: Put the phone down and get into your pleasure. How
Speaker 1: often do you get sacked up on the phone when
Speaker 1: perhaps you could be spending more time participating and enjoying
Speaker 1: your own pleasure. Anyway, if you are interested in our
Speaker 1: sex sensus, I will leave link to it in the
Speaker 1: show notes. If you did enjoy this podcast this episode,
Speaker 1: tell us rate and review it. Of course, you can
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Speaker 1: Grob Our print edition which is out in your local
Speaker 1: Sunday paper and until tomorrow. Stay healthy,