WEBVTT - A sexologist on dealing with mismatched libidos

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Healthyish. Thank you for joining us today on

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<v Speaker 1>this Body and Soul podcast. I am your host, Felicity Halle. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>mismatched libidos is the topic, so sexologist Lily Brown gets

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<v Speaker 1>asked about a lot today. She joins us via our

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<v Speaker 1>online studio to discuss factors that might be dampening your

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<v Speaker 1>libido and how to manage the mismatched issue with your partner. Yes, folks,

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<v Speaker 1>this week we are focusing on all things sex and relationships,

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<v Speaker 1>picking apart our Body and Soul twenty twenty four Sex Census.

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<v Speaker 1>Now make sure you listening to our sister podcast, Extra

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<v Speaker 1>healthy Ish, where Lily talks about how to get out

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<v Speaker 1>of your head and into foreplay or she calls it out.

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<v Speaker 1>Of course you can catch that wherever we get your podcasts.

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<v Speaker 1>Really is so nice to have you on Healthyish. Thank

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<v Speaker 1>you for joining us today. What a pleasure.

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<v Speaker 2>Thanks for having me.

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<v Speaker 1>Felicity and I have to say, listeners, we both turned

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<v Speaker 1>up in really bright colors, so for me, that's a

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<v Speaker 1>sign that the warm weather is coming.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, spring is on the horizon, and as somebody

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<v Speaker 2>who comes alive in the spring summer months, I'm very

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<v Speaker 2>much looking forward.

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<v Speaker 1>To that you and me both, which is probably why

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<v Speaker 1>we're wearing the brighter into bright pink. But talk to

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<v Speaker 1>us about what you hear. You know what's concerning you

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<v Speaker 1>when it comes to well your clients and people's concerns

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<v Speaker 1>around mismatched libidos.

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<v Speaker 2>Mismatched libido and concerns around libido or desire are probably

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<v Speaker 2>one of the biggest concerns I hear both from individuals

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<v Speaker 2>and couples in my practice, and a lot of what

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<v Speaker 2>I've been seeing in the last six to twelve months

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<v Speaker 2>is people presenting with low libido and mismatched libido, so

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<v Speaker 2>they have very little interest or desire for sex. And

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<v Speaker 2>at the same time as all of these beautiful people

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<v Speaker 2>that I'm speaking to experiencing low desire or mismatched desire,

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<v Speaker 2>there's also a craving for more connection, more presence, and

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<v Speaker 2>more pleasure both in the bedroom and beyond. And interestingly,

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<v Speaker 2>as we're uncovering this, stress is one of the biggest

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<v Speaker 2>things that is coming up and getting in the way

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<v Speaker 2>have people been able to feel desire and been able

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<v Speaker 2>to access pleasure. Stress is one of the biggest libido

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<v Speaker 2>killers and dampens your desire so much. Don't underestimate how

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<v Speaker 2>much of an impact that high stress levels can have

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<v Speaker 2>on your desire. And so while they're craving more connection

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<v Speaker 2>and presence and pleasure, a lot of them, what I'm

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<v Speaker 2>observing is that they're a bit stuck in that they

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<v Speaker 2>know that they want this and there's more to be experienced,

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<v Speaker 2>but they've just got low or no libido.

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<v Speaker 1>It's really interesting hearing that from you, because we talk

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<v Speaker 1>a lot on this podcast about, you know, how the

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<v Speaker 1>world is just getting busier and how the requirements on

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<v Speaker 1>our time time. It just you know, even since the

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<v Speaker 1>pandemic finished, we thought it was going to slow down

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<v Speaker 1>a bit, but in fact it's tripled and quadrupled, and

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<v Speaker 1>so many of us had just at that point of

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<v Speaker 1>you know, teetering between being stressed and burnout, and we

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<v Speaker 1>don't often think about the role this has on our

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<v Speaker 1>libido completely.

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<v Speaker 2>The world that we live in is constantly moving at

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<v Speaker 2>breakneck speed. And there's an amazing sexuality educator, Euphenia Russell,

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<v Speaker 2>and they say, we're experience, been on the podcast before, incredible,

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<v Speaker 2>They're incredible. And one of the things Euphenea says is

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<v Speaker 2>that we're experiencing a crisis of pace, and I think

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<v Speaker 2>that is absolutely true. I know I hear it from

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<v Speaker 2>my clients, my friends, my colleagues. Everyone is feeling exactly

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<v Speaker 2>as you said, teetering on that edge of burnout almost

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<v Speaker 2>all of the time. And not only is that really

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<v Speaker 2>harmful to our nervous system in general and our capacity

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<v Speaker 2>to enjoy life and prioritize pleasure and the things that

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<v Speaker 2>feel good outside of a sexual context. But that of

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<v Speaker 2>course comes into the bedroom with us.

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<v Speaker 1>Talk to us about some other things that might affect

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<v Speaker 1>a libido.

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<v Speaker 2>So many things affect our desire or our libedo. It

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<v Speaker 2>is almost an endless list, and so it's essential to

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<v Speaker 2>recognize firstly that changes in desire or libido are a

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<v Speaker 2>normal part of the human experience. Over the course of

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<v Speaker 2>your life and realistically, over the course of a week,

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<v Speaker 2>your desire levels will ebb and flow based on what

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<v Speaker 2>you're being exposed to, what stimulus, what stresses, and so on,

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<v Speaker 2>and so we can categorize them in a few ways.

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<v Speaker 2>So there's physical things like health conditions. Certain medications, for example,

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<v Speaker 2>antidepressants can lower your desire levels, what your hormones are doing.

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<v Speaker 2>So we're out in your cycle, whether your perimenopausal or menopausal,

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<v Speaker 2>what your testosterone levels are doing. So there's lots of

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<v Speaker 2>physical things that can affect our desire, and tho's psychological things.

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<v Speaker 2>So we've just mentioned stress. Mental health more broadly is

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<v Speaker 2>a really important one. If you're feeling anxious, stress depressed,

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<v Speaker 2>it's really hard to feel turned on. It's also additional

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<v Speaker 2>things like body image or trauma history that can impact

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<v Speaker 2>on desire. And there's relational things as well, which I

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<v Speaker 2>think are often forgotten, but they are a really big

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<v Speaker 2>part of desire. If there is conflict in your relationship

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<v Speaker 2>or things aren't feeling well between you and your partner,

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<v Speaker 2>of course that's going to impact your desire. How the

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<v Speaker 2>mental load is being handled within your relationship, what your

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<v Speaker 2>communication patterns are like. All of these things feed into desire.

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<v Speaker 2>And then of course there's contextual things, and context is

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<v Speaker 2>vital when it comes to desire, and really we need

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<v Speaker 2>a context that is low stress, high trust, high affection,

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<v Speaker 2>and explicitly erotic in order for our arousal and desire

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<v Speaker 2>to thrive.

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<v Speaker 1>The other thing I will add in there is social

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<v Speaker 1>media and time spent on devices. I think this came

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<v Speaker 1>up a few years ago in a study I saw,

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<v Speaker 1>but that for me can take its toll on. And

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<v Speaker 1>I love how you're calling it desire rather than libido.

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<v Speaker 1>It seems a bit more like you want to get

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<v Speaker 1>in touch with your desire. You can identify that a

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<v Speaker 1>bit more. Libido seems quite scientific in some ways.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it does. And desire really refers to your wanting

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<v Speaker 2>or your interest in sex. And I think when we

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<v Speaker 2>reframe it in that way, it then becomes less pathologizing,

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<v Speaker 2>and it allows us to be less judgmental of ourselves

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<v Speaker 2>if we are experiencing low desire and instead get curious about, Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>what is it that's impacting and influencing my desire at

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<v Speaker 2>the moment? Is it? Have I had a really stressful

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<v Speaker 2>few weeks at work? Have I been fighting with my

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<v Speaker 2>partner more than usual? Am I dealing with some hormonal

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<v Speaker 2>issues or some health issues right now? And just that reframe,

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<v Speaker 2>I think, can help reduce a lot of pressure that

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<v Speaker 2>we feel about trying to have our libido or our

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<v Speaker 2>desire work in a certain way. Right A big thing

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<v Speaker 2>that I hear with my clients is, oh, am I

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<v Speaker 2>am I normal? Am I broken? Is it normal to

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<v Speaker 2>not want sex very often? Is it normal to want

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<v Speaker 2>sex every day, and there's no such thing as normal, really,

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<v Speaker 2>it's what's normal to you, and even your libido or

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<v Speaker 2>desire baseline, as we've just discussed, felicity will change based

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<v Speaker 2>on all of these different contextual elements that are in

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<v Speaker 2>the picture.

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<v Speaker 1>How do we navigate it if you're in a partnership

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<v Speaker 1>and you've got to mismatched levels of desire.

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<v Speaker 2>Communication is obviously going to be my first year, and

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<v Speaker 2>I know that we hear it all the time. Communication

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<v Speaker 2>is key, but we need to actually speak about it

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<v Speaker 2>with our partners because often what I see in my

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<v Speaker 2>practice is people feeling really embarrassed and ashamed and they

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<v Speaker 2>don't want to speak to their pasts about it. But

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<v Speaker 2>when we do speak about it, we're able to offload

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<v Speaker 2>some of that shame and step into a place of

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<v Speaker 2>connection and understanding with our partner. And then after we've

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<v Speaker 2>discussed what's going on, we're then able to get creative. So,

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<v Speaker 2>if you are the lower libido partner or the lower

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<v Speaker 2>desire partner, what would make you feel like sex more

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<v Speaker 2>often or what would be helpful to get you in

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<v Speaker 2>the mood. I think a big thing that people neglect

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<v Speaker 2>is the level of emotional connection that's present in your relationship.

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<v Speaker 2>For most of us, feeling emotionally connected and attuned to

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<v Speaker 2>our partner is really important for desire to thrive. And

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<v Speaker 2>so focusing on things that build non sexual intimacy or

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<v Speaker 2>that foster a sense of connection or make you feel

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<v Speaker 2>close to your partner is really important to create a

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<v Speaker 2>context where desire can come forth. And I think in

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<v Speaker 2>addition to that, it's also about getting creative about what's

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<v Speaker 2>possible with our partner. And so maybe that doesn't mean

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<v Speaker 2>having penetrative right, That's not the only thing that we

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<v Speaker 2>can do. What about essential massage? What about a foot rub?

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<v Speaker 2>What about taking a shower or a bath together, Things

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<v Speaker 2>that are a bit slower paced and tend to have

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<v Speaker 2>less pressure attached than thinking, all right, I need to

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<v Speaker 2>get in the mood for sex.

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<v Speaker 1>Great advice, Lily, Thank you for coming unhealthy my pleasure.

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<v Speaker 2>Thanks Felicity.

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<v Speaker 1>Put the phone down and get into your pleasure. How

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<v Speaker 1>often do you get sacked up on the phone when

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<v Speaker 1>perhaps you could be spending more time participating and enjoying

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<v Speaker 1>your own pleasure. Anyway, if you are interested in our

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<v Speaker 1>sex sensus, I will leave link to it in the

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<v Speaker 1>show notes. If you did enjoy this podcast this episode,

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<v Speaker 1>tell us rate and review it. Of course, you can

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<v Speaker 1>subscribe as well anything else you know where to go

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<v Speaker 1>Body insoul dot com, dot you for US and socials.

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<v Speaker 1>Grob Our print edition which is out in your local

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<v Speaker 1>Sunday paper and until tomorrow. Stay healthy,