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Speaker 1: Welcome to Healthyish. Thank you for joining us today on

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Speaker 1: this Body and Soul podcast. I am your host, Felicity Halle. Now,

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Speaker 1: mismatched libidos is the topic, so sexologist Lily Brown gets

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Speaker 1: asked about a lot today. She joins us via our

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Speaker 1: online studio to discuss factors that might be dampening your

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Speaker 1: libido and how to manage the mismatched issue with your partner. Yes, folks,

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Speaker 1: this week we are focusing on all things sex and relationships,

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Speaker 1: picking apart our Body and Soul twenty twenty four Sex Census.

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Speaker 1: Now make sure you listening to our sister podcast, Extra

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Speaker 1: healthy Ish, where Lily talks about how to get out

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Speaker 1: of your head and into foreplay or she calls it out.

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Speaker 1: Of course you can catch that wherever we get your podcasts.

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Speaker 1: Really is so nice to have you on Healthyish. Thank

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Speaker 1: you for joining us today. What a pleasure.

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Speaker 2: Thanks for having me.

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Speaker 1: Felicity and I have to say, listeners, we both turned

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Speaker 1: up in really bright colors, so for me, that's a

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Speaker 1: sign that the warm weather is coming.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, spring is on the horizon, and as somebody

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Speaker 2: who comes alive in the spring summer months, I'm very

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Speaker 2: much looking forward.

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Speaker 1: To that you and me both, which is probably why

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Speaker 1: we're wearing the brighter into bright pink. But talk to

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Speaker 1: us about what you hear. You know what's concerning you

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Speaker 1: when it comes to well your clients and people's concerns

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Speaker 1: around mismatched libidos.

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Speaker 2: Mismatched libido and concerns around libido or desire are probably

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Speaker 2: one of the biggest concerns I hear both from individuals

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Speaker 2: and couples in my practice, and a lot of what

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Speaker 2: I've been seeing in the last six to twelve months

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Speaker 2: is people presenting with low libido and mismatched libido, so

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Speaker 2: they have very little interest or desire for sex. And

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Speaker 2: at the same time as all of these beautiful people

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Speaker 2: that I'm speaking to experiencing low desire or mismatched desire,

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Speaker 2: there's also a craving for more connection, more presence, and

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Speaker 2: more pleasure both in the bedroom and beyond. And interestingly,

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Speaker 2: as we're uncovering this, stress is one of the biggest

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Speaker 2: things that is coming up and getting in the way

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Speaker 2: have people been able to feel desire and been able

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Speaker 2: to access pleasure. Stress is one of the biggest libido

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Speaker 2: killers and dampens your desire so much. Don't underestimate how

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Speaker 2: much of an impact that high stress levels can have

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Speaker 2: on your desire. And so while they're craving more connection

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Speaker 2: and presence and pleasure, a lot of them, what I'm

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Speaker 2: observing is that they're a bit stuck in that they

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Speaker 2: know that they want this and there's more to be experienced,

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Speaker 2: but they've just got low or no libido.

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Speaker 1: It's really interesting hearing that from you, because we talk

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Speaker 1: a lot on this podcast about, you know, how the

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Speaker 1: world is just getting busier and how the requirements on

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Speaker 1: our time time. It just you know, even since the

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Speaker 1: pandemic finished, we thought it was going to slow down

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Speaker 1: a bit, but in fact it's tripled and quadrupled, and

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Speaker 1: so many of us had just at that point of

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Speaker 1: you know, teetering between being stressed and burnout, and we

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Speaker 1: don't often think about the role this has on our

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Speaker 1: libido completely.

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Speaker 2: The world that we live in is constantly moving at

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Speaker 2: breakneck speed. And there's an amazing sexuality educator, Euphenia Russell,

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Speaker 2: and they say, we're experience, been on the podcast before, incredible,

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Speaker 2: They're incredible. And one of the things Euphenea says is

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Speaker 2: that we're experiencing a crisis of pace, and I think

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Speaker 2: that is absolutely true. I know I hear it from

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Speaker 2: my clients, my friends, my colleagues. Everyone is feeling exactly

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Speaker 2: as you said, teetering on that edge of burnout almost

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Speaker 2: all of the time. And not only is that really

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Speaker 2: harmful to our nervous system in general and our capacity

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Speaker 2: to enjoy life and prioritize pleasure and the things that

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Speaker 2: feel good outside of a sexual context. But that of

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Speaker 2: course comes into the bedroom with us.

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Speaker 1: Talk to us about some other things that might affect

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Speaker 1: a libido.

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Speaker 2: So many things affect our desire or our libedo. It

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Speaker 2: is almost an endless list, and so it's essential to

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Speaker 2: recognize firstly that changes in desire or libido are a

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Speaker 2: normal part of the human experience. Over the course of

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Speaker 2: your life and realistically, over the course of a week,

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Speaker 2: your desire levels will ebb and flow based on what

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Speaker 2: you're being exposed to, what stimulus, what stresses, and so on,

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Speaker 2: and so we can categorize them in a few ways.

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Speaker 2: So there's physical things like health conditions. Certain medications, for example,

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Speaker 2: antidepressants can lower your desire levels, what your hormones are doing.

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Speaker 2: So we're out in your cycle, whether your perimenopausal or menopausal,

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Speaker 2: what your testosterone levels are doing. So there's lots of

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Speaker 2: physical things that can affect our desire, and tho's psychological things.

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Speaker 2: So we've just mentioned stress. Mental health more broadly is

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Speaker 2: a really important one. If you're feeling anxious, stress depressed,

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Speaker 2: it's really hard to feel turned on. It's also additional

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Speaker 2: things like body image or trauma history that can impact

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Speaker 2: on desire. And there's relational things as well, which I

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Speaker 2: think are often forgotten, but they are a really big

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Speaker 2: part of desire. If there is conflict in your relationship

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Speaker 2: or things aren't feeling well between you and your partner,

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Speaker 2: of course that's going to impact your desire. How the

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Speaker 2: mental load is being handled within your relationship, what your

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Speaker 2: communication patterns are like. All of these things feed into desire.

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Speaker 2: And then of course there's contextual things, and context is

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Speaker 2: vital when it comes to desire, and really we need

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Speaker 2: a context that is low stress, high trust, high affection,

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Speaker 2: and explicitly erotic in order for our arousal and desire

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Speaker 2: to thrive.

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Speaker 1: The other thing I will add in there is social

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Speaker 1: media and time spent on devices. I think this came

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Speaker 1: up a few years ago in a study I saw,

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Speaker 1: but that for me can take its toll on. And

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Speaker 1: I love how you're calling it desire rather than libido.

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Speaker 1: It seems a bit more like you want to get

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Speaker 1: in touch with your desire. You can identify that a

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Speaker 1: bit more. Libido seems quite scientific in some ways.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it does. And desire really refers to your wanting

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Speaker 2: or your interest in sex. And I think when we

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Speaker 2: reframe it in that way, it then becomes less pathologizing,

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Speaker 2: and it allows us to be less judgmental of ourselves

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Speaker 2: if we are experiencing low desire and instead get curious about, Okay,

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Speaker 2: what is it that's impacting and influencing my desire at

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Speaker 2: the moment? Is it? Have I had a really stressful

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Speaker 2: few weeks at work? Have I been fighting with my

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Speaker 2: partner more than usual? Am I dealing with some hormonal

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Speaker 2: issues or some health issues right now? And just that reframe,

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Speaker 2: I think, can help reduce a lot of pressure that

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Speaker 2: we feel about trying to have our libido or our

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Speaker 2: desire work in a certain way. Right A big thing

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Speaker 2: that I hear with my clients is, oh, am I

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Speaker 2: am I normal? Am I broken? Is it normal to

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Speaker 2: not want sex very often? Is it normal to want

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Speaker 2: sex every day, and there's no such thing as normal, really,

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Speaker 2: it's what's normal to you, and even your libido or

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Speaker 2: desire baseline, as we've just discussed, felicity will change based

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Speaker 2: on all of these different contextual elements that are in

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Speaker 2: the picture.

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Speaker 1: How do we navigate it if you're in a partnership

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Speaker 1: and you've got to mismatched levels of desire.

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Speaker 2: Communication is obviously going to be my first year, and

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Speaker 2: I know that we hear it all the time. Communication

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Speaker 2: is key, but we need to actually speak about it

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Speaker 2: with our partners because often what I see in my

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Speaker 2: practice is people feeling really embarrassed and ashamed and they

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Speaker 2: don't want to speak to their pasts about it. But

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Speaker 2: when we do speak about it, we're able to offload

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Speaker 2: some of that shame and step into a place of

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Speaker 2: connection and understanding with our partner. And then after we've

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Speaker 2: discussed what's going on, we're then able to get creative. So,

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Speaker 2: if you are the lower libido partner or the lower

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Speaker 2: desire partner, what would make you feel like sex more

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Speaker 2: often or what would be helpful to get you in

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Speaker 2: the mood. I think a big thing that people neglect

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Speaker 2: is the level of emotional connection that's present in your relationship.

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Speaker 2: For most of us, feeling emotionally connected and attuned to

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Speaker 2: our partner is really important for desire to thrive. And

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Speaker 2: so focusing on things that build non sexual intimacy or

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Speaker 2: that foster a sense of connection or make you feel

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Speaker 2: close to your partner is really important to create a

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Speaker 2: context where desire can come forth. And I think in

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Speaker 2: addition to that, it's also about getting creative about what's

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Speaker 2: possible with our partner. And so maybe that doesn't mean

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Speaker 2: having penetrative right, That's not the only thing that we

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Speaker 2: can do. What about essential massage? What about a foot rub?

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Speaker 2: What about taking a shower or a bath together, Things

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Speaker 2: that are a bit slower paced and tend to have

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Speaker 2: less pressure attached than thinking, all right, I need to

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Speaker 2: get in the mood for sex.

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Speaker 1: Great advice, Lily, Thank you for coming unhealthy my pleasure.

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Speaker 2: Thanks Felicity.

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Speaker 1: Put the phone down and get into your pleasure. How

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Speaker 1: often do you get sacked up on the phone when

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Speaker 1: perhaps you could be spending more time participating and enjoying

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Speaker 1: your own pleasure. Anyway, if you are interested in our

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Speaker 1: sex sensus, I will leave link to it in the

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Speaker 1: show notes. If you did enjoy this podcast this episode,

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Speaker 1: tell us rate and review it. Of course, you can

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Speaker 1: subscribe as well anything else you know where to go

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Speaker 1: Body insoul dot com, dot you for US and socials.

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Speaker 1: Grob Our print edition which is out in your local

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Speaker 1: Sunday paper and until tomorrow. Stay healthy,