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Speaker 1: This is the Fitsy and With with Kate Richie podcast.

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Speaker 2: Oh you know what? This is quite so. It's exciting

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Speaker 2: because there's a brand new book out, but we've just

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Speaker 2: been informed that this is her last book. Help me

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Speaker 2: help my teens, supporting teens through tough times. We absolutely

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Speaker 2: adore this lady.

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Speaker 3: It's the magnificent Maggie did Hi, guys, so good to

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Speaker 3: be bad? How nice ofud I have you here?

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Speaker 4: How do you decide that this is your last book?

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Speaker 4: How dare you say that to us?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: No, I you know, like I just I went right

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Speaker 1: back to the beginning, right back to where I taught,

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Speaker 1: where I counseled, and I thought, nah, I think I've

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Speaker 1: done everything else. All the other books are out there

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Speaker 1: that you know, you're going to see him forever. As

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Speaker 1: I said to my boys when I dropped dead, I'm

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Speaker 1: everywhere sorry about that.

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Speaker 4: You aren't.

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Speaker 3: But it felt right. It felt right.

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Speaker 1: And also, you know, I'm an old wise woman that

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Speaker 1: turns and says the next ones it's their turn.

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Speaker 4: I think with your skill, Maggie, we all hang off

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Speaker 4: every word. We're so we're so keen to understand further

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Speaker 4: because we're never ever going to be more passionate about

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Speaker 4: anything in our lives than our own kids.

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Speaker 1: Exactly right, And we're all going to muck up. But

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Speaker 1: once I think this is the big bit about this

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Speaker 1: is your teens are going to muck up because it's

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Speaker 1: it's exactly what this agent is about. They're going to

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Speaker 1: have bigger emotions than ever. They're going to get more forgetful.

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Speaker 1: You know they're going to roll rize. And you know

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Speaker 1: you breathe wrong, don't you we breathe.

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Speaker 3: I'm getting it's getting pretty tweets.

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Speaker 5: You're already into pretty close, like I can feel it

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Speaker 5: in the house.

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Speaker 2: Bring yourself up at the moment you're getting on the

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Speaker 2: roller coaster.

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Speaker 5: I like, I like to say big emotions and lots

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Speaker 5: of emotions, more intense, and you're very intense. And now

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Speaker 5: I understand why my mother, I mean, bless my mum.

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Speaker 5: She probably wasn't as understanding maybe as I will be,

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Speaker 5: because I remember her yelling at me down the hallway

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Speaker 5: saying take rake, sure, you take your evening primrose oil.

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Speaker 5: Yes awesome, And I'm like, that's about as understanding as

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Speaker 5: it got at some point.

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Speaker 1: And I just no that the number of times not

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Speaker 1: only my teaching career and my accounts and career, and

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Speaker 1: also then endless number of boys that were in my house.

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Speaker 1: That a quiet conversation I had that came from a

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Speaker 1: genuine place of heart connection and concern can absolutely change

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Speaker 1: the direction of a young teenager's life is not hearing

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Speaker 1: any positive messages. So it's not just for parents, it's

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Speaker 1: for those who I call lighthouse figures as significant adult allies.

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Speaker 1: And that landed on me when I was doing bus

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Speaker 1: duty one day, really early on before I did my

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Speaker 1: breeding program, and the bus was late, and there was

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Speaker 1: a girl on the steps and I just thought, yeah,

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Speaker 1: she didn't look good. So I sat down next to

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Speaker 1: her and just opened up a conversation. I didn't ask

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Speaker 1: her how she was or what was going on, and

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Speaker 1: we just had this chat and I got her to laugh,

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Speaker 1: and I talked about how crazy school is, where we

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Speaker 1: think marks or everything. Never thought anything of it. I

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Speaker 1: didn't teach her, and she came up to me at

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Speaker 1: the end of the year and she had a beautiful

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Speaker 1: card and a little gift and she said that conversation,

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Speaker 1: I was planning to kill myself. That conversation turned my life,

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Speaker 1: and that was when I realized we have enormous power

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Speaker 1: with teens who are struggling that we can say, look,

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Speaker 1: it's really bumping now, but you're going to get through this.

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Speaker 3: We've all had this rocky road, but I've got your back,

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Speaker 3: I've got you, and I get it. But what is

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Speaker 3: it about?

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Speaker 5: Can I just say the one quick question fits is

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Speaker 5: about parenting throughout that period, because let's be honest, we

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Speaker 5: might have teens in the house, but us as parents,

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Speaker 5: we are people too with things going on in our

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Speaker 5: lives and maybe our own mental health issues or problems

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Speaker 5: at work, or you know, relationships up and down and

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Speaker 5: stuff from our own childhood that are still unresolved.

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Speaker 3: How do you kind of reach a place.

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Speaker 5: Where you think, I kind of have to put aside

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Speaker 5: what's going on for me to be there for.

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Speaker 3: The child during this period. How do you make peace

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Speaker 3: with well?

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Speaker 1: I think the big part is that you need to

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Speaker 1: know the why the why are those things happening. That's

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Speaker 1: why the first part of the book is all the why.

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Speaker 1: If you understand the brain changes, you understand emotional changes,

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Speaker 1: you understand the why to take rest, You understand that

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Speaker 1: their impulse control has been turned off.

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Speaker 3: They don't want to be like that and when we

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Speaker 3: can go okay. I get that.

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Speaker 1: I wish i'd known that when I was that age

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Speaker 1: as well. And yes, what happened to us definitely imprints

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Speaker 1: the way that we turn up as our teens, you know,

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Speaker 1: for our teens. But my three things are when really

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Speaker 1: big stuff's happening, we know that they are dying by

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Speaker 1: suicide over sometimes things you don't even know that's going on,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes that's online trolling and that's sextortion. They don't

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Speaker 1: come and tell us because they're so ashamed of what's

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Speaker 1: going down, and we need to step forward because we

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Speaker 1: never know when that last thing tips them over into

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Speaker 1: a place.

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Speaker 3: They says, of course, I was that teen.

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Speaker 1: I failed an essay, my first essay in my life,

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Speaker 1: and I had such low self esteem and self worth

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Speaker 1: all sorts of reasons for that. I had never planned

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Speaker 1: or thought of suicide. And I walked from when I

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Speaker 1: got my essay to where I was boarding and tried to.

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Speaker 3: Swallow a bottle appeals. That's how fragile the psyche can be.

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Speaker 1: For I had it all going. I played sport, I

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Speaker 1: was academic, I had friends. You look to the external

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Speaker 1: of me, you would have thought she's going to be fine.

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Speaker 2: Did you feel comfortable talking to your parents?

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Speaker 3: Never did. They never knew about it, kept everything about it.

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Speaker 1: But it was that moment too when I was vomited. Fortunately,

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Speaker 1: and it's not everywhere, that I suddenly realized, Jesus, look

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Speaker 1: how hard, Look how easy it is to do something

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Speaker 1: really dune when you're seventeen or eighteen. That's when I

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Speaker 1: decided to go and be a teacher. That's when I

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Speaker 1: decided I wanted to work with teens who could be

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Speaker 1: vulnerable like I had been.

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Speaker 2: Can I give you one before we get into some calls.

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Speaker 2: So a friend of mine, fifteen year old boy, had

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Speaker 2: two mates sleepover while the parents went out. They stayed

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Speaker 2: in the city. They had a staycation in the city,

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Speaker 2: so the kids had the house to themselves. They get

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Speaker 2: home on the Sunday, Mum throws out the bin, goes

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Speaker 2: through the bin down the bottom, finds full vodka mixes,

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Speaker 2: and she's freaking out. So this is our conversation in

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Speaker 2: our friendship group at the moment, how do you handle

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Speaker 2: this situation?

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Speaker 3: All right?

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Speaker 1: The very first thing that happens when they do something

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Speaker 1: that we think is potentially dangerous and not what we

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Speaker 1: want them to do as we get angry. Second reaction

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Speaker 1: we're in a panic, or the third reaction was going

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Speaker 1: to denial. Now none of those help have a conversation

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Speaker 1: with that boy around what you found. And that's exactly

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Speaker 1: why I wrote scripts, because I know how to communicate

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Speaker 1: with teams who've mucked up. So we're going to have

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Speaker 1: a chat about Look, I get that, and I know

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Speaker 1: that this is what we're going to do with our

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Speaker 1: friends are around. I just want us to have a

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Speaker 1: conversation about what are the things we need to worry

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Speaker 1: about about alcohol. And you know, I've consulted one of

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Speaker 1: the best experts in Australia around that, Paul Delan. He

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Speaker 1: has some clear guidelines that we know they're going to

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Speaker 1: go experimenting, but if they actually have some carbs before

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Speaker 1: they go, they have a drink of water in between,

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Speaker 1: they keep their eye out to on whether any of

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Speaker 1: their friends are getting into it. You know, they won't

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Speaker 1: watch themselves, they will watch their friends. And when we

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Speaker 1: get them to be a guardian of their friends, they're

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Speaker 1: actually watching themselves.

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Speaker 3: And we've had kids who've.

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Speaker 1: Reached out years and years later because I talked about

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Speaker 1: now alcoholic come. You've got to put it out, you know,

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Speaker 1: recovery position called it Paul Ambulance. I've had number of

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Speaker 1: them reach out and tell me they've saved a life

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Speaker 1: because of that one piece of information. So it's what

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Speaker 1: we do if and then that's what we're doing. We

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Speaker 1: cannot make their decisions for them. They're an emerging adult.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, and withholding information doesn't help them, an not help them.

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Speaker 3: So that's one of the big things. So the education

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Speaker 3: will help.

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Speaker 4: We have so many calls coming through mag We've got

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Speaker 4: Kelly and Windsor Kelly, you're online with Maggie Dent with

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Speaker 4: your question.

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Speaker 6: I'm just wanting to get some help with navigating through

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Speaker 6: the teenagers when they start to sort of disrespect their parents.

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Speaker 1: Let me give you a really big tip about this,

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Speaker 1: and that is the fact that they're meant to be

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Speaker 1: individuating from you and stepping back from you, and they're

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Speaker 1: biologically whire to want to hang out with peers and

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Speaker 1: friends because if we were in a kingship community, then

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Speaker 1: they've got to create a new source of breeding.

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Speaker 3: So I know it's really it's a reason now.

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Speaker 1: The disrespect stuff that can also come from a whole

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Speaker 1: lot of reasons, but one of the key reasons is

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Speaker 1: that we're over invested. Still we're treating them like a

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Speaker 1: nine year old or an eight year old, and they're

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Speaker 1: now an emerging adult, so you're really pessing them off, right,

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Speaker 1: So what we're going to do every now and then

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Speaker 1: when that comes out, and sometimes it comes out because

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Speaker 1: I've got home and I've been fantastic all day, but

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Speaker 1: now I'm really annoyed at the world, and I'm going

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Speaker 1: to give the person I love the most a bit

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Speaker 1: of that. So sometimes it's targeted at mums, So sometimes

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Speaker 1: that's actually a gift that you're their safest person. But

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Speaker 1: what I really encourage is every now and then, pop

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Speaker 1: your hands up in the air and go, whoa, I'm

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Speaker 1: not sure you meant to say that like that, hey,

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Speaker 1: and make light around it, because if you come swinging

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Speaker 1: in with you not to talk to me like that,

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Speaker 1: that's disrespectful.

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Speaker 3: You're going to make it worse.

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Speaker 1: You're going to make them angry, You're going to make

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Speaker 1: them defensive. Then they're going to feel worse they already felt,

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Speaker 1: and we don't want that, right makes.

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Speaker 2: The stern voice of father, and we've always been taught

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Speaker 2: then you don't talk to your mother like that.

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Speaker 3: That's not going to do any hard.

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Speaker 2: That's not going to do anything.

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Speaker 3: No, as long as.

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Speaker 1: It's not too often. And it said not super nasty.

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Speaker 1: It's just this, mate, we don't talk to your mum

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Speaker 1: like that.

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Speaker 3: And they know, the kids know they do right away, and.

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Speaker 5: You're away using the word wheez. Kind of nice as well,

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Speaker 5: it could because when I hear you say that, it's

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Speaker 5: like we as a household have made this decision. Yes not,

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Speaker 5: you don't talk to your mother like that, but I

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Speaker 5: will talk to however, I laugh, exactly.

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Speaker 3: Forget What about getting getting mom to cry?

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Speaker 2: Then that's always powerful, that's always powerful, Maggie.

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Speaker 3: I'll put on the water a crying mother does wonders.

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Speaker 4: It's putting drops in her eyes, and the kids work

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Speaker 4: out what's going on?

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Speaker 1: Can I just I wouldn't recommend it, because they can

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Speaker 1: smell a rat and they know it.

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Speaker 3: Yes, right, And I think that's the other thing. Be

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Speaker 3: as real and.

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Speaker 1: Authentic as you as you can be in this journey,

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Speaker 1: because they're working out how to deal with conflict, how

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Speaker 1: to communicate.

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Speaker 3: And I think that's why I did.

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Speaker 1: The whole stuff with the big stuff at the back

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Speaker 1: because nine times out of ten, you know, you're just

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Speaker 1: dealing with the same sorts of stuff at toddler, didn't,

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Speaker 1: you know, just wanting to do their own thing and

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Speaker 1: disagreeing with you.

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Speaker 3: That's healthy. But all of a sudden, all their grades

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Speaker 3: have dropped. What do I do? I've just found the

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Speaker 3: bong in the bedroom? What do I do? I found

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Speaker 3: the used condom? What do I do? Then?

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Speaker 1: Instead of going really angry and going into lecture, I've

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Speaker 1: got to work out how do I come alongside them?

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Speaker 1: Because I want them to work out what the challenge

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Speaker 1: is with this and how are they going to navigate

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Speaker 1: through it so that they can become an adult and

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Speaker 1: deal with hard stuff without necessarily Mum.

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Speaker 3: And Dad rescuing.

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Speaker 5: Come out the other side.

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Speaker 2: Ye, Ruby and Monavar, You've got the magnificent Maggie Dan,

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Speaker 2: she's all yours.

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Speaker 3: Roofs Hi.

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Speaker 6: Hi, He's had a quick question about my seven year old.

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Speaker 6: He's really not interested in doing any extra sport or

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Speaker 6: activities after school, So I was just wanting to know

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Speaker 6: should we keep pushing or just let it go?

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Speaker 3: So what does he love doing after school?

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Speaker 6: We're just like coming home relaxing in front of the TV.

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Speaker 3: Not guess what.

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Speaker 1: We have kind of different temperaments, and he's a cruisy.

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Speaker 1: He sounds like a bit more like a lamb. He

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Speaker 1: doesn't have high energy.

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Speaker 3: He's not going to out there and conquer the world.

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Speaker 1: So in that space, I'm just glad you didn't say's

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Speaker 1: online gaming because that would have been a little bit

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Speaker 1: more worry. But he's coming home and you know, like

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Speaker 1: school's big for him still, he's only seven, and he's

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Speaker 1: still getting the energy to deal with it. What he's

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Speaker 1: doing is exactly what he needs to do. But work

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Speaker 1: out what is a special interest for him. Can you

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Speaker 1: get him into something that's lower energy, even if it's

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Speaker 1: puzzles or it's building lego, or it's doing something.

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Speaker 3: That's quieter a little bit more. Yeah, So he's still

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Speaker 3: building his perception of competence.

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Speaker 1: He can do some things good and just loving that

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Speaker 1: you're allowing him to recover from a really overcrowded schooling

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Speaker 1: system and he's only seven.

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Speaker 3: Well done you a lot for that. Thank you so much, Rubes.

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Speaker 2: Jake in Blacktown, you're a dad of four, you got

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Speaker 2: Maggie Dent. Jake.

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Speaker 3: I'm just wondering how do you get kids to follow

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Speaker 3: instructions without getting distracted. As soon as you ask him

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Speaker 3: to do.

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Speaker 6: Something, it's three or four times and your voice, and

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Speaker 6: then they do it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, okay.

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Speaker 1: So because they've learned that's how you do it in

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Speaker 1: your house is they're going to wait, Dad gets to

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Speaker 1: a higher level and then we're going to step in,

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Speaker 1: right okay. So one of the things we know is

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Speaker 1: that nobody likes being told what to do either, and

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Speaker 1: make sure it's a request, so there's a you know,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes a bit of autonomy in the request. So

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Speaker 1: it says, you know, hey, may do I want you

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Speaker 1: to pick up that lego because we want to walk

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Speaker 1: on it. But you can do it in now or

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Speaker 1: after you've done your teeth. But it gives him a

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Speaker 1: choice of when to do it. It actually increases the

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Speaker 1: chances of them completing the rule. And the second thing

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Speaker 1: is come alongside then we call it connect before you direct,

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Speaker 1: So you come alongside them, you ruffle ahead and go, hey,

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Speaker 1: your tend to do the dishwasher?

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Speaker 3: Got it? Bang? There we go. I connect with you,

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Speaker 3: then I give you a message and then we step back.

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Speaker 1: And then it takes a while because if you start

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Speaker 1: doing something different, they're gonna smell it, right, They're gonna go,

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Speaker 1: what do you mean listen to some program? We're reading

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Speaker 1: a book and you go yeah, because you know, I

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Speaker 1: don't like shouting and I don't always repeating myself.

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Speaker 3: And then I'm not sure of the ages of your kids.

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Speaker 1: But I often think a visual thing on the fridge

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Speaker 1: is a good idea, like what do you do in

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Speaker 1: the mornings, you know, get up, eat your breakfast, do

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Speaker 1: your teeth, get dressed, your lunch box in the bag.

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Speaker 1: If you've got boys, that's really handy. You won't need

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Speaker 1: it for girls. They just testing you.

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Speaker 3: I've done ye, boy.

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Speaker 5: Then you get to zero and you don't you know.

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Speaker 5: You know, when I was a kid and mom got

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Speaker 5: to zero.

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Speaker 3: We were in real drugs.

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Speaker 1: Whereas now I'm going to say it can have a

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Speaker 1: short term compliance.

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Speaker 3: It's a bit like threats.

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Speaker 1: They can short term compliance, but it doesn't create cooperation,

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Speaker 1: and we want cooperation with our kids.

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Speaker 3: I know it's hard to get these things done right.

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Speaker 1: However, it is your turn, you know, And and then

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Speaker 1: be a bit lighthearted about it, like you know, fart

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Speaker 1: or something.

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Speaker 3: If it's a boy why not, or a girl yeah,

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Speaker 3: or a girl.

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Speaker 5: That's 's tactic told me to do something around you?

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Speaker 4: Meggie? Can I can? I also say I just wanted

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Speaker 4: to say thank you before you go, because I know

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Speaker 4: you're busy for supporting thirty six months and when we launched,

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Speaker 4: we needed some credibility behind us, and Maggie has been

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Speaker 4: phenomenal and putting her hand up in the constant emails

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Speaker 4: and the reading that I've been able and the knowledge

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Speaker 4: I've been able to gain with your support behind it.

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Speaker 4: So thank you.

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Speaker 3: So got to shot the harm for our teens. It's

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Speaker 3: just enormous. That's it. Stop it, yeap.

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Speaker 2: Just because this is your last book, don't think you

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Speaker 2: get no ida.

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Speaker 4: Now you're back in Maggie.

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Speaker 2: We can set up a spare bedroom near the studio

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Speaker 2: whenever you're in Sydney.

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Speaker 3: Maggie, just you're going to post to stay. I love

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Speaker 3: to come back, guys, love chatting a stranger. Thanks for

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Speaker 3: having me, She's as superstar.

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Speaker 2: Help me help my teens. Supporting teens through tough times

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Speaker 2: is available now, Maggie, thank you so much again.

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Speaker 4: You know we ticked off a couple of sensitive topics,

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Speaker 4: so if you do need help at all. That lifeline

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Speaker 4: number is thirteen eleven fourteen. Very simple, give them a call.

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Speaker 4: It's in Whippa with Kate Ritchie is a Nova podcast

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Speaker 4: walk right shows like this. Download the Nova Player by

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Speaker 4: the app Store or Google Play, then neither play am