WEBVTT - JFG Girls Guide: Your Confidence Questions Answered with Ash from TIER Society

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't really have acne growing up, but I've started

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<v Speaker 1>getting it now.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like old.

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<v Speaker 1>Now, come on, come on, community, I thought I was

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<v Speaker 1>over it.

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<v Speaker 3>Hi, guys, welcome back to your Thursday's Girl's Guide. We

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<v Speaker 3>are still with Ashley the Confidence Coach, and we're answering

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<v Speaker 3>your questions that you asked over on our Instagram.

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<v Speaker 4>A lot of questions that we got from the girl

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<v Speaker 4>is how.

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<v Speaker 3>Do I feel wanted or like self confident in yourself

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<v Speaker 3>without needing male validation? Because I feel like that is

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<v Speaker 3>a big thing from girls in general, wanting attention from

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<v Speaker 3>males and feeling getting confidence from that. So how can

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<v Speaker 3>we do it without men telling us enough?

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<v Speaker 2>Oh?

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<v Speaker 1>That is a tough one, And honestly, it is still

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<v Speaker 1>something that I work on all the time, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>because especially coming from the industry that I have a.

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<v Speaker 2>Lot of, it is external validation and.

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<v Speaker 1>Approval from others, you know, and especially like I'm looking

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<v Speaker 1>at myself, I'm listening to myself all the time, and

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<v Speaker 1>so it's something that I'm very conscious about. I think

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<v Speaker 1>we're coming back to our internal confidence and thinking about

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<v Speaker 1>what we think about ourselves, our personal stories, what sort

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<v Speaker 1>of narrative we're having, and we're telling ourselves as to

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<v Speaker 1>why we feel like we need that validation. So obviously

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<v Speaker 1>there's gonna be some sort of a wound from our

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<v Speaker 1>past that is making us feel like we are only

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<v Speaker 1>worthy with someone else's approval. And I'm not a therapist,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not gonna go tons

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<v Speaker 1>into that, but I think that ways that I sort

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<v Speaker 1>of deal with that is by being my own hype girl,

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<v Speaker 1>wearing things that make me feel good. You know, like

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<v Speaker 1>I don't really follow trends in terms of clothing because

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<v Speaker 1>I don't look that good in.

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<v Speaker 2>Low wasted things. I don't look that good in like

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>It's like finding your style, finding things that make you

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<v Speaker 1>feel good. So I know that I feel good in

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<v Speaker 1>a crop in high wasted things because I like that

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<v Speaker 1>in my body shape. Yeah, So I think it's really

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<v Speaker 1>about the story that we're telling ourselves. And so when

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<v Speaker 1>you it's about building up your own self worth, it's

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<v Speaker 1>about building up your own validation in your own mind,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's about being your own biggest supporter. So I

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<v Speaker 1>guess that's where it comes into affirmations. It comes into

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<v Speaker 1>thinking about what makes you feel good. And doing more

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<v Speaker 1>of that. I guess, you know, it is really difficult.

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<v Speaker 1>It is something that people have to work on all

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<v Speaker 1>the time. People say to me that my gap in

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<v Speaker 1>my teeth is ugly. People tell me, you know, you

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<v Speaker 1>get very criticized online. Yeah, and so it's easy to

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<v Speaker 1>take that on board. But I think it only hurts

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<v Speaker 1>if it has a bit of truth behind it. And

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<v Speaker 1>if it has truth behind it, it means that there's

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<v Speaker 1>something there that you need to work on.

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<v Speaker 5>Okay, Yeah, that's really good advice.

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<v Speaker 3>And I think kind of going off that, I know,

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<v Speaker 3>within today's society, we have so.

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<v Speaker 4>Many different trends when it comes to body shapes.

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<v Speaker 3>Like one second it's the bbl's, the next second it's

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<v Speaker 3>like having the biggest die gap.

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<v Speaker 4>And like being really small and skinny.

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<v Speaker 3>And I think a lot of girls, it's a very

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<v Speaker 3>known thing that we all struggle with our body and

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<v Speaker 3>what we look like and always wanting to change and

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<v Speaker 3>we can never be happy with who we are. We

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<v Speaker 3>always want to be a smaller size, or you could

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<v Speaker 3>always be a little bit more skinny, and all of

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<v Speaker 3>those things. But what is something that you can do

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<v Speaker 3>for yourself every single day that makes you happy? In

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<v Speaker 3>the skin that you're in, and like, as you said,

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<v Speaker 3>you dress for the body that you're in. What a

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<v Speaker 3>ways that girls can maybe figure out that for themselves

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<v Speaker 3>and learn to love themselves with what they look like

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<v Speaker 3>now instead of like constantly wanting to change.

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like it is definitely about trial and error

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<v Speaker 1>figuring out what works for you.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, because you know, when you.

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<v Speaker 1>See someone walking down the street at an event wherever

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<v Speaker 1>you are, and you see them walking with purpose, with

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<v Speaker 1>an energy, with an aura, you just think that they

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<v Speaker 1>look confident, right, You're not looking at their clothes and

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<v Speaker 1>being like, oh, that looks ugly, that's not on trend whatever.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, if you feel comfortable in what you're wearing,

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<v Speaker 1>you're going to give that off.

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<v Speaker 2>You're going to be self assured.

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<v Speaker 1>And so actually figuring out what looks good on you

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<v Speaker 1>and what makes you feel good is the key. And

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<v Speaker 1>so I always feel great and feel powerful when I'm

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<v Speaker 1>in a blazer. That's why I wear them all the time.

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<v Speaker 1>And and I wear color. I don't really wear black

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<v Speaker 1>for me, that makes me feel really depressed. So I

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<v Speaker 1>wear a lot of whites, but I wear a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of color, and blazers for me are really important, but

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<v Speaker 1>just making sure if you don't feel comfortable in what

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<v Speaker 1>you're wearing, and if you're always adjusting it, if you're

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<v Speaker 1>always trying to suck your stomach in, if you're always

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<v Speaker 1>trying to push the boobs up, you know, then people

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<v Speaker 1>are going to notice those little fidgety things because that's

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<v Speaker 1>your nonverbal communication, and it's showing other people that you

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<v Speaker 1>don't feel comfortable in what you're wearing. And so you

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<v Speaker 1>can't really be confident in what you're wearing if you

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<v Speaker 1>keep readjusting and so making sure that you're wearing things

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<v Speaker 1>that are fitting correctly that make you feel good.

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<v Speaker 4>That's the key. I couldn't agree with you more.

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<v Speaker 3>Especially I love experimenting with my style with the job

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<v Speaker 3>that I'm in, Like I am very lucky to get

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<v Speaker 3>to wear different things all the time, but I can

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<v Speaker 3>bouch that one hundred percent of if I'm in something

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<v Speaker 3>that I know I don't feel comfortable in, I will

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<v Speaker 3>not be confident and I will not have a then

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<v Speaker 3>have a good time. And some people say that that's

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<v Speaker 3>like a superficial thing of like, oh my god, you

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<v Speaker 3>only care about what you look like, But it's like,

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<v Speaker 3>once you know that you're comfortable, then you know that

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<v Speaker 3>you can be your true self because you're not thinking

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<v Speaker 3>of any external factors and it's like, oh, I can breathe.

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<v Speaker 4>I know I'm in pants that I'm comfortable in.

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<v Speaker 5>I know that.

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<v Speaker 3>Like it's going to be okay because you're not so

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<v Speaker 3>hyper aware of things exactly.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think it's the hyper awareness because then that's

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<v Speaker 1>all you're focusing on, and you're not thinking about how

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<v Speaker 1>to have a conversation. You're not thinking about the next

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<v Speaker 1>question to us, you're not thinking about your other body

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<v Speaker 1>language techniques. You know, that's what you're focusing on, and

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<v Speaker 1>so then you're going to be disengaged.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah, one hundred percent.

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<v Speaker 4>So just wear what you want, guys, bagg of jeans

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<v Speaker 4>and a T shirt.

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<v Speaker 5>Do it, and you don't have to wear a corset top.

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<v Speaker 2>It'll make you feel more confident for sure.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, So there's a very common saying of faking it

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<v Speaker 3>to your make care. Would you say that that's a

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<v Speaker 3>good kind of statement to go by it, to live

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<v Speaker 3>by it, to practice.

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like yes, because you've got to try.

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<v Speaker 2>You've got to start.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, you can't really become confident and good at

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<v Speaker 1>something if you can't even start or try it. And

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<v Speaker 1>so if what gets you over the line is faking it,

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<v Speaker 1>for sure, that's great, but it's I don't know if

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<v Speaker 1>it's about faking it. I take it back, Yeah, it is,

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<v Speaker 1>because like my body language techniques, if I feel nervous

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<v Speaker 1>as hell and I'm going into a situation that I

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<v Speaker 1>don't feel super comfortable in, I can use my body

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<v Speaker 1>language techniques to fake it to other people and they

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<v Speaker 1>think that I'm confident. But it's also then going back

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<v Speaker 1>into my brain and rewiring it so that I feel

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<v Speaker 1>comfortable and confident in that situation and as well. So

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<v Speaker 1>I think that there definitely is an element of faking

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<v Speaker 1>it because you've got to start somewhere. You're not going

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<v Speaker 1>to be an expert the first time you try something.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I think another thing about like confidence, and I

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<v Speaker 3>think a lot of girls struggle with appearance. So we're

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<v Speaker 3>getting a lot of questions about like your appearance and

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<v Speaker 3>even go with through puberty, you might have more acne

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<v Speaker 3>or like as you said, like sometimes people's teeth or

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<v Speaker 3>like everything like that. How like I know, like sometimes

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<v Speaker 3>maybe I'll have a pimpole when it's like the first

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<v Speaker 3>thing I point out, so then nobody else can address it,

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<v Speaker 3>Like do you know when you do like oh yeah,

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<v Speaker 3>like I know I have this on my face, like

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<v Speaker 3>just like ignore it. Like how can you almost get

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<v Speaker 3>past that barrier of being like, oh my god, everyone's

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<v Speaker 3>looking at my acne or oh my god, everyone's like

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<v Speaker 3>looking at this. So it's something that you are so

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<v Speaker 3>hyper aware of and so insecure. What are some techniques

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<v Speaker 3>that you can almost dismiss that a little bit to

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<v Speaker 3>then move forward to then gain the confidence and know

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<v Speaker 3>that people.

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<v Speaker 5>Aren't really talking or thinking about that. Do you know

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<v Speaker 5>what I'm trying to say?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Because it's something that you're conscious of and you're thinking about,

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<v Speaker 1>you think that that's all anyone else is thinking about

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<v Speaker 1>as well. And I get the same way. I annoyingly

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<v Speaker 1>this is like I don't know whether this is sad

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<v Speaker 1>or annoying, but I didn't really have acne growing up,

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<v Speaker 1>but I've started getting it now, which is like what

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<v Speaker 1>the hell, I'm like old.

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<v Speaker 2>Now, come on, come on.

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<v Speaker 1>I thought I was over it, but no, So I've

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<v Speaker 1>started to get it and I've become really conscious of it.

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<v Speaker 1>And because I haven't ever had it before, I'm like

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<v Speaker 1>that is all anyone is seeing. But again, people aren't

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<v Speaker 1>really thinking about you as much as you're thinking about you.

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<v Speaker 1>And if you're drawing attention to it by saying, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>I know I have a pimple on my face, people

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<v Speaker 1>are then going to think about it, right, Yeah, So

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<v Speaker 1>it's again what thoughts are going on in your mind.

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<v Speaker 1>If you're thinking about it over and over and over again,

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<v Speaker 1>that's all you're going to be conscious of. That's all

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<v Speaker 1>you're going You know, someone's walking down the street, they

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<v Speaker 1>look at me. Again, I'm gonna be like, oh my god,

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<v Speaker 1>they're looking at my pimple. No, they're probably looking at

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<v Speaker 1>something else. They're probably not even looking at you, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>whereas that's what you're thinking about most. So that's going

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<v Speaker 1>to be the reality that you create. So realizing that

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<v Speaker 1>people don't actually think about you as much as you

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<v Speaker 1>think about you, but realizing that you can change your

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<v Speaker 1>thoughts and beliefs and so, you know, if you don't

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<v Speaker 1>want that to rule your reality, just change it.

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<v Speaker 3>And I think I need this as well, because I

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<v Speaker 3>meet a lot of people that I don't necessarily know.

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<v Speaker 5>I'm meeting new faces every day.

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<v Speaker 3>How do you start a conversation with maybe new people

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<v Speaker 3>without being awkward and confidently hold a conversation.

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<v Speaker 1>There is so much strategy behind being a conversationalist. And

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<v Speaker 1>I'm really excited to answer this because I feel like

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<v Speaker 1>people go into conversations just like freely and think that

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<v Speaker 1>you know, there's nothing behind it, but there's actually really

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<v Speaker 1>strong strategy and skills that you can use.

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<v Speaker 2>So this is perfect. Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>So when you meet someone for the first time, it's

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<v Speaker 1>about building rapid connection with them as quickly as possible,

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<v Speaker 1>So I call it rapid rapport.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>And so for the other person, if you want them

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<v Speaker 1>to feel good about you, to like you, to feel

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<v Speaker 1>like you're a confident person, you're going to want to

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<v Speaker 1>make them feel seen, heard, and remembered. So that is

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<v Speaker 1>basically asking questions and active listening. So when you're thinking

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<v Speaker 1>about asking questions, I know that it can be a

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<v Speaker 1>little bit scary to feel like you have to carry

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<v Speaker 1>a conversation or hold a conversation or continue it on.

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<v Speaker 1>But when you know that there's like an actual formula

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<v Speaker 1>to it, it becomes a lot easier. And again when

0:10:23.120 --> 0:10:27.000
<v Speaker 1>you do it over and over again, it becomes second nature.

0:10:27.000 --> 0:10:29.559
<v Speaker 1>Like I could hold a conversation with literally anyone at

0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:32.720
<v Speaker 1>any point in time, because I've done it so much.

0:10:33.360 --> 0:10:36.040
<v Speaker 1>So when it comes to the structure, we have to

0:10:36.080 --> 0:10:39.360
<v Speaker 1>think about our inquisitive words. So it's who, what, when, where, why,

0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:43.360
<v Speaker 1>and how. So if you start a sentence with any

0:10:43.400 --> 0:10:46.439
<v Speaker 1>of those, you're going to have unlimited conversation.

0:10:46.120 --> 0:10:47.720
<v Speaker 5>Because they're open ended questions.

0:10:47.960 --> 0:10:51.640
<v Speaker 1>Because they're open ended questions, so I'm not going to

0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:54.000
<v Speaker 1>strike up a conversation and my first question isn't going

0:10:54.000 --> 0:10:56.680
<v Speaker 1>to be a yes or no answer for you, because

0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:58.600
<v Speaker 1>that is going to make me have to work really,

0:10:58.640 --> 0:11:01.080
<v Speaker 1>really hard. So I'm going to ask one that is

0:11:01.120 --> 0:11:05.080
<v Speaker 1>asking for your opinion for storytelling or for your thoughts

0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:07.600
<v Speaker 1>on something, so that is going to make it open ended.

0:11:07.960 --> 0:11:10.000
<v Speaker 1>And so a lot of them are like why and

0:11:10.040 --> 0:11:15.199
<v Speaker 1>how questions, So that's how to sort of continue a conversation.

0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:18.000
<v Speaker 1>But in terms of active listening, you need to be

0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:20.600
<v Speaker 1>reading the other person's body language as well. So you're

0:11:20.600 --> 0:11:23.480
<v Speaker 1>listening to what they're saying, you're trying to understand what

0:11:23.520 --> 0:11:26.120
<v Speaker 1>they're actually trying to say, and then you're looking at

0:11:26.120 --> 0:11:31.040
<v Speaker 1>their body language. So if someone is darting their eyes away,

0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:35.040
<v Speaker 1>if someone is leaning back, if someone is crossing their arms.

0:11:35.080 --> 0:11:37.600
<v Speaker 1>If someone is leaning out of the conversation, maybe like,

0:11:37.640 --> 0:11:41.040
<v Speaker 1>am I doing any of this now? I'm like, that

0:11:41.160 --> 0:11:44.400
<v Speaker 1>means that they're disengaging, that they don't feel comfortable, that

0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:48.120
<v Speaker 1>they're not really in it. If someone is leaning forward,

0:11:48.679 --> 0:11:52.280
<v Speaker 1>if they're tilting their head forward, if they're making eye contact,

0:11:52.360 --> 0:11:55.400
<v Speaker 1>if they're using body language that is engaging, they're really

0:11:55.440 --> 0:11:56.280
<v Speaker 1>in the conversation.

0:11:57.080 --> 0:11:58.880
<v Speaker 2>So to keep a conversation.

0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:01.400
<v Speaker 1>Going, I am listening to what they're saying, reading their

0:12:01.400 --> 0:12:04.079
<v Speaker 1>body language, and trying to figure out what they're actually

0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:04.800
<v Speaker 1>trying to say.

0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:05.280
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:12:05.760 --> 0:12:07.360
<v Speaker 2>So again, it.

0:12:07.400 --> 0:12:10.080
<v Speaker 1>All boils down to, though, making them feel seen, heard,

0:12:10.080 --> 0:12:12.400
<v Speaker 1>and remembered, because that is going to make them feel

0:12:12.440 --> 0:12:14.160
<v Speaker 1>good around you, and it's going to make them want

0:12:14.200 --> 0:12:14.760
<v Speaker 1>to come back.

0:12:15.120 --> 0:12:16.000
<v Speaker 2>So how can you do that?

0:12:16.160 --> 0:12:19.000
<v Speaker 1>A lot of the time, it's by asking questions, by

0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:22.800
<v Speaker 1>validating them, and by showing empathy, and by complimenting them

0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:25.320
<v Speaker 1>because everyone loves a compliment, right, And so if you

0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:27.719
<v Speaker 1>can do those things, it's really easy to keep a

0:12:27.760 --> 0:12:28.560
<v Speaker 1>conversation going.

0:12:28.600 --> 0:12:30.040
<v Speaker 2>And I know that that's a lot.

0:12:29.840 --> 0:12:32.720
<v Speaker 1>To think about, but it's easy when you practice it,

0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:34.440
<v Speaker 1>and you can do just one thing at a time.

0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:37.679
<v Speaker 1>You know, start by trying to look at people around

0:12:37.720 --> 0:12:39.440
<v Speaker 1>you and read their body language.

0:12:39.440 --> 0:12:40.560
<v Speaker 2>It's just like people watching.

0:12:40.600 --> 0:12:42.240
<v Speaker 1>Just sit there for a minute, have a look at

0:12:42.240 --> 0:12:44.960
<v Speaker 1>people around you, think about what is their body language

0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:45.640
<v Speaker 1>telling us?

0:12:45.880 --> 0:12:48.040
<v Speaker 2>Are the people? What's it giving away about them?

0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:51.400
<v Speaker 1>Then maybe in a different conversation when you're having a

0:12:51.400 --> 0:12:54.679
<v Speaker 1>conversation with someone, make the conscious decision that you are

0:12:54.720 --> 0:12:57.440
<v Speaker 1>going to carry the conversation. So go in with a

0:12:57.440 --> 0:13:00.720
<v Speaker 1>pre prepared question and then get read you to follow

0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:04.400
<v Speaker 1>it up. And so if you practice all of these

0:13:04.400 --> 0:13:06.800
<v Speaker 1>things in different scenarios, you can then bring them all

0:13:06.800 --> 0:13:08.880
<v Speaker 1>together and that's going to make it really easy for

0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:10.800
<v Speaker 1>you to meet literally anyone.

0:13:11.040 --> 0:13:12.680
<v Speaker 5>Wow, that was really good advice.

0:13:13.160 --> 0:13:15.439
<v Speaker 3>Thank you so so much for coming on Just for

0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:18.320
<v Speaker 3>Girls podcast, Ash. The girls I know that are listening,

0:13:18.320 --> 0:13:21.239
<v Speaker 3>and I definitely have taken so much from this conversation,

0:13:21.320 --> 0:13:23.680
<v Speaker 3>So we are so grateful for having you on Girls.

0:13:23.679 --> 0:13:25.400
<v Speaker 3>If you want to hear from Ash again, I feel

0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:26.280
<v Speaker 3>like we've only touched the.

0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:28.840
<v Speaker 5>Surface of what you could talk about, So please.

0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:32.080
<v Speaker 3>Let us know in the Instagram dms in my DMS

0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:34.640
<v Speaker 3>if we want Ash back on. So thank you Ash

0:13:34.760 --> 0:13:36.440
<v Speaker 3>so much for coming on, and thank you guys for

0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:37.760
<v Speaker 3>listening and I'll see you next week.

0:13:37.880 --> 0:13:45.079
<v Speaker 1>Thank you so much for having me anytime, babe, anytime,