Speaker 1: I didn't really have acne growing up, but I've started
Speaker 1: getting it now.
Speaker 2: I'm like old.
Speaker 1: Now, come on, come on, community, I thought I was
Speaker 1: over it.
Speaker 3: Hi, guys, welcome back to your Thursday's Girl's Guide. We
Speaker 3: are still with Ashley the Confidence Coach, and we're answering
Speaker 3: your questions that you asked over on our Instagram.
Speaker 4: A lot of questions that we got from the girl
Speaker 4: is how.
Speaker 3: Do I feel wanted or like self confident in yourself
Speaker 3: without needing male validation? Because I feel like that is
Speaker 3: a big thing from girls in general, wanting attention from
Speaker 3: males and feeling getting confidence from that. So how can
Speaker 3: we do it without men telling us enough?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: That is a tough one, And honestly, it is still
Speaker 1: something that I work on all the time, you know,
Speaker 1: because especially coming from the industry that I have a.
Speaker 2: Lot of, it is external validation and.
Speaker 1: Approval from others, you know, and especially like I'm looking
Speaker 1: at myself, I'm listening to myself all the time, and
Speaker 1: so it's something that I'm very conscious about. I think
Speaker 1: we're coming back to our internal confidence and thinking about
Speaker 1: what we think about ourselves, our personal stories, what sort
Speaker 1: of narrative we're having, and we're telling ourselves as to
Speaker 1: why we feel like we need that validation. So obviously
Speaker 1: there's gonna be some sort of a wound from our
Speaker 1: past that is making us feel like we are only
Speaker 1: worthy with someone else's approval. And I'm not a therapist,
Speaker 1: I'm not a psychologist, so I'm not gonna go tons
Speaker 1: into that, but I think that ways that I sort
Speaker 1: of deal with that is by being my own hype girl,
Speaker 1: wearing things that make me feel good. You know, like
Speaker 1: I don't really follow trends in terms of clothing because
Speaker 1: I don't look that good in.
Speaker 2: Low wasted things. I don't look that good in like
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: It's like finding your style, finding things that make you
Speaker 1: feel good. So I know that I feel good in
Speaker 1: a crop in high wasted things because I like that
Speaker 1: in my body shape. Yeah, So I think it's really
Speaker 1: about the story that we're telling ourselves. And so when
Speaker 1: you it's about building up your own self worth, it's
Speaker 1: about building up your own validation in your own mind,
Speaker 1: and it's about being your own biggest supporter. So I
Speaker 1: guess that's where it comes into affirmations. It comes into
Speaker 1: thinking about what makes you feel good. And doing more
Speaker 1: of that. I guess, you know, it is really difficult.
Speaker 1: It is something that people have to work on all
Speaker 1: the time. People say to me that my gap in
Speaker 1: my teeth is ugly. People tell me, you know, you
Speaker 1: get very criticized online. Yeah, and so it's easy to
Speaker 1: take that on board. But I think it only hurts
Speaker 1: if it has a bit of truth behind it. And
Speaker 1: if it has truth behind it, it means that there's
Speaker 1: something there that you need to work on.
Speaker 5: Okay, Yeah, that's really good advice.
Speaker 3: And I think kind of going off that, I know,
Speaker 3: within today's society, we have so.
Speaker 4: Many different trends when it comes to body shapes.
Speaker 3: Like one second it's the bbl's, the next second it's
Speaker 3: like having the biggest die gap.
Speaker 4: And like being really small and skinny.
Speaker 3: And I think a lot of girls, it's a very
Speaker 3: known thing that we all struggle with our body and
Speaker 3: what we look like and always wanting to change and
Speaker 3: we can never be happy with who we are. We
Speaker 3: always want to be a smaller size, or you could
Speaker 3: always be a little bit more skinny, and all of
Speaker 3: those things. But what is something that you can do
Speaker 3: for yourself every single day that makes you happy? In
Speaker 3: the skin that you're in, and like, as you said,
Speaker 3: you dress for the body that you're in. What a
Speaker 3: ways that girls can maybe figure out that for themselves
Speaker 3: and learn to love themselves with what they look like
Speaker 3: now instead of like constantly wanting to change.
Speaker 1: I feel like it is definitely about trial and error
Speaker 1: figuring out what works for you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because you know, when you.
Speaker 1: See someone walking down the street at an event wherever
Speaker 1: you are, and you see them walking with purpose, with
Speaker 1: an energy, with an aura, you just think that they
Speaker 1: look confident, right, You're not looking at their clothes and
Speaker 1: being like, oh, that looks ugly, that's not on trend whatever.
Speaker 1: You know, if you feel comfortable in what you're wearing,
Speaker 1: you're going to give that off.
Speaker 2: You're going to be self assured.
Speaker 1: And so actually figuring out what looks good on you
Speaker 1: and what makes you feel good is the key. And
Speaker 1: so I always feel great and feel powerful when I'm
Speaker 1: in a blazer. That's why I wear them all the time.
Speaker 1: And and I wear color. I don't really wear black
Speaker 1: for me, that makes me feel really depressed. So I
Speaker 1: wear a lot of whites, but I wear a lot
Speaker 1: of color, and blazers for me are really important, but
Speaker 1: just making sure if you don't feel comfortable in what
Speaker 1: you're wearing, and if you're always adjusting it, if you're
Speaker 1: always trying to suck your stomach in, if you're always
Speaker 1: trying to push the boobs up, you know, then people
Speaker 1: are going to notice those little fidgety things because that's
Speaker 1: your nonverbal communication, and it's showing other people that you
Speaker 1: don't feel comfortable in what you're wearing. And so you
Speaker 1: can't really be confident in what you're wearing if you
Speaker 1: keep readjusting and so making sure that you're wearing things
Speaker 1: that are fitting correctly that make you feel good.
Speaker 4: That's the key. I couldn't agree with you more.
Speaker 3: Especially I love experimenting with my style with the job
Speaker 3: that I'm in, Like I am very lucky to get
Speaker 3: to wear different things all the time, but I can
Speaker 3: bouch that one hundred percent of if I'm in something
Speaker 3: that I know I don't feel comfortable in, I will
Speaker 3: not be confident and I will not have a then
Speaker 3: have a good time. And some people say that that's
Speaker 3: like a superficial thing of like, oh my god, you
Speaker 3: only care about what you look like, But it's like,
Speaker 3: once you know that you're comfortable, then you know that
Speaker 3: you can be your true self because you're not thinking
Speaker 3: of any external factors and it's like, oh, I can breathe.
Speaker 4: I know I'm in pants that I'm comfortable in.
Speaker 5: I know that.
Speaker 3: Like it's going to be okay because you're not so
Speaker 3: hyper aware of things exactly.
Speaker 1: And I think it's the hyper awareness because then that's
Speaker 1: all you're focusing on, and you're not thinking about how
Speaker 1: to have a conversation. You're not thinking about the next
Speaker 1: question to us, you're not thinking about your other body
Speaker 1: language techniques. You know, that's what you're focusing on, and
Speaker 1: so then you're going to be disengaged.
Speaker 5: Yeah, one hundred percent.
Speaker 4: So just wear what you want, guys, bagg of jeans
Speaker 4: and a T shirt.
Speaker 5: Do it, and you don't have to wear a corset top.
Speaker 2: It'll make you feel more confident for sure.
Speaker 3: Okay, So there's a very common saying of faking it
Speaker 3: to your make care. Would you say that that's a
Speaker 3: good kind of statement to go by it, to live
Speaker 3: by it, to practice.
Speaker 1: I feel like yes, because you've got to try.
Speaker 2: You've got to start.
Speaker 1: You know, you can't really become confident and good at
Speaker 1: something if you can't even start or try it. And
Speaker 1: so if what gets you over the line is faking it,
Speaker 1: for sure, that's great, but it's I don't know if
Speaker 1: it's about faking it. I take it back, Yeah, it is,
Speaker 1: because like my body language techniques, if I feel nervous
Speaker 1: as hell and I'm going into a situation that I
Speaker 1: don't feel super comfortable in, I can use my body
Speaker 1: language techniques to fake it to other people and they
Speaker 1: think that I'm confident. But it's also then going back
Speaker 1: into my brain and rewiring it so that I feel
Speaker 1: comfortable and confident in that situation and as well. So
Speaker 1: I think that there definitely is an element of faking
Speaker 1: it because you've got to start somewhere. You're not going
Speaker 1: to be an expert the first time you try something.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think another thing about like confidence, and I
Speaker 3: think a lot of girls struggle with appearance. So we're
Speaker 3: getting a lot of questions about like your appearance and
Speaker 3: even go with through puberty, you might have more acne
Speaker 3: or like as you said, like sometimes people's teeth or
Speaker 3: like everything like that. How like I know, like sometimes
Speaker 3: maybe I'll have a pimpole when it's like the first
Speaker 3: thing I point out, so then nobody else can address it,
Speaker 3: Like do you know when you do like oh yeah,
Speaker 3: like I know I have this on my face, like
Speaker 3: just like ignore it. Like how can you almost get
Speaker 3: past that barrier of being like, oh my god, everyone's
Speaker 3: looking at my acne or oh my god, everyone's like
Speaker 3: looking at this. So it's something that you are so
Speaker 3: hyper aware of and so insecure. What are some techniques
Speaker 3: that you can almost dismiss that a little bit to
Speaker 3: then move forward to then gain the confidence and know
Speaker 3: that people.
Speaker 5: Aren't really talking or thinking about that. Do you know
Speaker 5: what I'm trying to say?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: Because it's something that you're conscious of and you're thinking about,
Speaker 1: you think that that's all anyone else is thinking about
Speaker 1: as well. And I get the same way. I annoyingly
Speaker 1: this is like I don't know whether this is sad
Speaker 1: or annoying, but I didn't really have acne growing up,
Speaker 1: but I've started getting it now, which is like what
Speaker 1: the hell, I'm like old.
Speaker 2: Now, come on, come on.
Speaker 1: I thought I was over it, but no, So I've
Speaker 1: started to get it and I've become really conscious of it.
Speaker 1: And because I haven't ever had it before, I'm like
Speaker 1: that is all anyone is seeing. But again, people aren't
Speaker 1: really thinking about you as much as you're thinking about you.
Speaker 1: And if you're drawing attention to it by saying, yeah,
Speaker 1: I know I have a pimple on my face, people
Speaker 1: are then going to think about it, right, Yeah, So
Speaker 1: it's again what thoughts are going on in your mind.
Speaker 1: If you're thinking about it over and over and over again,
Speaker 1: that's all you're going to be conscious of. That's all
Speaker 1: you're going You know, someone's walking down the street, they
Speaker 1: look at me. Again, I'm gonna be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: they're looking at my pimple. No, they're probably looking at
Speaker 1: something else. They're probably not even looking at you, you know,
Speaker 1: whereas that's what you're thinking about most. So that's going
Speaker 1: to be the reality that you create. So realizing that
Speaker 1: people don't actually think about you as much as you
Speaker 1: think about you, but realizing that you can change your
Speaker 1: thoughts and beliefs and so, you know, if you don't
Speaker 1: want that to rule your reality, just change it.
Speaker 3: And I think I need this as well, because I
Speaker 3: meet a lot of people that I don't necessarily know.
Speaker 5: I'm meeting new faces every day.
Speaker 3: How do you start a conversation with maybe new people
Speaker 3: without being awkward and confidently hold a conversation.
Speaker 1: There is so much strategy behind being a conversationalist. And
Speaker 1: I'm really excited to answer this because I feel like
Speaker 1: people go into conversations just like freely and think that
Speaker 1: you know, there's nothing behind it, but there's actually really
Speaker 1: strong strategy and skills that you can use.
Speaker 2: So this is perfect. Okay.
Speaker 1: So when you meet someone for the first time, it's
Speaker 1: about building rapid connection with them as quickly as possible,
Speaker 1: So I call it rapid rapport.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And so for the other person, if you want them
Speaker 1: to feel good about you, to like you, to feel
Speaker 1: like you're a confident person, you're going to want to
Speaker 1: make them feel seen, heard, and remembered. So that is
Speaker 1: basically asking questions and active listening. So when you're thinking
Speaker 1: about asking questions, I know that it can be a
Speaker 1: little bit scary to feel like you have to carry
Speaker 1: a conversation or hold a conversation or continue it on.
Speaker 1: But when you know that there's like an actual formula
Speaker 1: to it, it becomes a lot easier. And again when
Speaker 1: you do it over and over again, it becomes second nature.
Speaker 1: Like I could hold a conversation with literally anyone at
Speaker 1: any point in time, because I've done it so much.
Speaker 1: So when it comes to the structure, we have to
Speaker 1: think about our inquisitive words. So it's who, what, when, where, why,
Speaker 1: and how. So if you start a sentence with any
Speaker 1: of those, you're going to have unlimited conversation.
Speaker 5: Because they're open ended questions.
Speaker 1: Because they're open ended questions, so I'm not going to
Speaker 1: strike up a conversation and my first question isn't going
Speaker 1: to be a yes or no answer for you, because
Speaker 1: that is going to make me have to work really,
Speaker 1: really hard. So I'm going to ask one that is
Speaker 1: asking for your opinion for storytelling or for your thoughts
Speaker 1: on something, so that is going to make it open ended.
Speaker 1: And so a lot of them are like why and
Speaker 1: how questions, So that's how to sort of continue a conversation.
Speaker 1: But in terms of active listening, you need to be
Speaker 1: reading the other person's body language as well. So you're
Speaker 1: listening to what they're saying, you're trying to understand what
Speaker 1: they're actually trying to say, and then you're looking at
Speaker 1: their body language. So if someone is darting their eyes away,
Speaker 1: if someone is leaning back, if someone is crossing their arms.
Speaker 1: If someone is leaning out of the conversation, maybe like,
Speaker 1: am I doing any of this now? I'm like, that
Speaker 1: means that they're disengaging, that they don't feel comfortable, that
Speaker 1: they're not really in it. If someone is leaning forward,
Speaker 1: if they're tilting their head forward, if they're making eye contact,
Speaker 1: if they're using body language that is engaging, they're really
Speaker 1: in the conversation.
Speaker 2: So to keep a conversation.
Speaker 1: Going, I am listening to what they're saying, reading their
Speaker 1: body language, and trying to figure out what they're actually
Speaker 1: trying to say.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So again, it.
Speaker 1: All boils down to, though, making them feel seen, heard,
Speaker 1: and remembered, because that is going to make them feel
Speaker 1: good around you, and it's going to make them want
Speaker 1: to come back.
Speaker 2: So how can you do that?
Speaker 1: A lot of the time, it's by asking questions, by
Speaker 1: validating them, and by showing empathy, and by complimenting them
Speaker 1: because everyone loves a compliment, right, And so if you
Speaker 1: can do those things, it's really easy to keep a
Speaker 1: conversation going.
Speaker 2: And I know that that's a lot.
Speaker 1: To think about, but it's easy when you practice it,
Speaker 1: and you can do just one thing at a time.
Speaker 1: You know, start by trying to look at people around
Speaker 1: you and read their body language.
Speaker 2: It's just like people watching.
Speaker 1: Just sit there for a minute, have a look at
Speaker 1: people around you, think about what is their body language
Speaker 1: telling us?
Speaker 2: Are the people? What's it giving away about them?
Speaker 1: Then maybe in a different conversation when you're having a
Speaker 1: conversation with someone, make the conscious decision that you are
Speaker 1: going to carry the conversation. So go in with a
Speaker 1: pre prepared question and then get read you to follow
Speaker 1: it up. And so if you practice all of these
Speaker 1: things in different scenarios, you can then bring them all
Speaker 1: together and that's going to make it really easy for
Speaker 1: you to meet literally anyone.
Speaker 5: Wow, that was really good advice.
Speaker 3: Thank you so so much for coming on Just for
Speaker 3: Girls podcast, Ash. The girls I know that are listening,
Speaker 3: and I definitely have taken so much from this conversation,
Speaker 3: So we are so grateful for having you on Girls.
Speaker 3: If you want to hear from Ash again, I feel
Speaker 3: like we've only touched the.
Speaker 5: Surface of what you could talk about, So please.
Speaker 3: Let us know in the Instagram dms in my DMS
Speaker 3: if we want Ash back on. So thank you Ash
Speaker 3: so much for coming on, and thank you guys for
Speaker 3: listening and I'll see you next week.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me anytime, babe, anytime,