WEBVTT - Crime, chaos and comedy: Elliot McLaren Pt.2 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:04.920 The public has had a long held fascination with detectives. 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:08.080 Detective see a side of life the average persons never 0:00:08.160 --> 0:00:11.120 exposed her. I spent thirty four years as a cop. 0:00:11.600 --> 0:00:14.040 For twenty five of those years I was catching killers. 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:16.240 That's what I did for a living. I was a 0:00:16.239 --> 0:00:20.560 homicide detective. I'm no longer just interviewing bad guys. Instead, 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:23.160 I'm taking the public into the world in which I operated. 0:00:23.840 --> 0:00:26.439 The guests I talk to each week have amazing stories 0:00:26.440 --> 0:00:28.800 from all sides of the law. The interviews are raw 0:00:28.840 --> 0:00:31.479 and honest, just like the people I talk to. Some 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:34.640 of the content and language might be confronting. That's because 0:00:34.680 --> 0:00:37.680 no one who comes into contact with crime is left unchanged. 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:40.400 Join me now as I take you into this world. 0:00:45.920 --> 0:00:48.720 Welcome back to part two of my chat with Elliott McLaren, 0:00:48.960 --> 0:00:52.240 a half caste, left handed, gay Scottish Maori who was 0:00:52.280 --> 0:00:55.160 also a drug addict, drug dealer, standover man, and now 0:00:55.240 --> 0:00:59.400 pursues his passion as a stand up comedian. Elt You're 0:00:59.440 --> 0:01:00.360 a complex character. 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:04.000 Tell me about it. I'm still trying to figure myself out. 0:01:04.160 --> 0:01:06.440 I'm trying to keep this podcast on track, but we 0:01:06.560 --> 0:01:09.000 just go off on little deviations all the time. But 0:01:09.280 --> 0:01:12.000 you've got so many things to talk about. But you 0:01:12.040 --> 0:01:14.920 know here on my catch Killers, we love complex characters, 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:18.200 so I'm enjoying myself. So welcome back to part two. 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:18.640 Thank you. 0:01:19.280 --> 0:01:22.840 Now we manage through great trial and tribulation get you 0:01:22.880 --> 0:01:27.399 through to your sort of early twenties. Yeap, okay. Your 0:01:28.040 --> 0:01:31.280 life was sort of all over the place at this stage, 0:01:31.319 --> 0:01:34.360 holding onto sem anger stemming from the victim of child's 0:01:34.360 --> 0:01:39.280 sexual abuse, suppressing your sexuality because you didn't want to 0:01:39.280 --> 0:01:42.520 come out. There's a gay man in an environment that, yeah, 0:01:42.880 --> 0:01:48.320 the community demonstrated was not acceptable. What age did you 0:01:48.320 --> 0:01:50.080 come out? What age did you put your hand up 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:51.120 and go, hey, this is me. 0:01:51.360 --> 0:01:53.440 I was still twenty, I was just before I tuned 0:01:53.480 --> 0:01:56.240 twenty one. It was it was it was a week 0:01:56.240 --> 0:01:59.440 of Christmas, end of the year I was. I was 0:01:59.480 --> 0:02:03.040 still twenty at the time, and I just I got 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:04.680 run over by car. I've just been run over by 0:02:04.720 --> 0:02:05.080 this car. 0:02:05.560 --> 0:02:07.200 I forgot to include that in my nose. 0:02:08.720 --> 0:02:10.920 I'd just been running and I like, I'm really excellent praying. 0:02:10.919 --> 0:02:13.000 I've been in the hospital heaps of times, but this 0:02:13.160 --> 0:02:16.040 one was funny because it was my last cigarette. I 0:02:16.040 --> 0:02:18.120 remember was sitting there. I was sitting there with my 0:02:18.160 --> 0:02:21.679 cousin at the drive. My cousin to your guys version 0:02:21.720 --> 0:02:23.359 of the Big W eleven o'clock at night in the 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:26.640 Westfield car park. He's getting his little brother's presents for 0:02:26.720 --> 0:02:29.919 Christmas twenty second of December. And I'm sitting there. I'm 0:02:29.919 --> 0:02:31.760 swinging my last cigarette and I'm waiting for my doll 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:33.920 to come through at midnight so I can go and 0:02:33.960 --> 0:02:36.280 get some smokes. And I thought, this is eleven o'clock, 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:38.040 I'll smoke my last CIGGI I can hold out until 0:02:38.000 --> 0:02:40.400 the end. And I'm sitting there and I dropped my 0:02:40.400 --> 0:02:42.400 cigarette just after a little I drotted out of dropped 0:02:42.400 --> 0:02:44.040 it out of the driver's side window and it rolled 0:02:44.080 --> 0:02:45.520 onto my car. And I'm in a car park with 0:02:45.560 --> 0:02:48.160 three hundred cars. Car space is empty. It's the middle 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:49.560 of the night, and so I'm like, okay, this is 0:02:49.680 --> 0:02:51.200 this is fine. I'll just get my CIGI and I 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:52.880 regular under the car to get it, and I remember 0:02:52.880 --> 0:02:54.920 I just managed a pinchon in my fingers and I 0:02:55.000 --> 0:02:57.160 was so happy. I was like, yeah, I've got my cigarette. 0:02:57.160 --> 0:03:00.000 And I just saw headlights and my gut's just crumbled. 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:01.680 I knew for some reason, I don't know why, but 0:03:01.760 --> 0:03:03.160 I knew that car was going to park on me. 0:03:03.639 --> 0:03:06.160 And they just sung into the car bight next to 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:07.800 me and just parked on top of my They dragged 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:10.640 both my legs underneath the car and then parked on 0:03:10.919 --> 0:03:13.320 both my ankles. And the poor girl he played, he 0:03:13.320 --> 0:03:15.000 who was driving, and I think she was on her owls. 0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:17.519 Actually I don't know what I'm laughing, but I am laughing. 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:20.600 It sounds so funny. And I'm under the car like 0:03:20.720 --> 0:03:22.679 sort of skewing under the car, and I remember yelling. 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:23.960 I was like, fuck, you're on top of me in 0:03:24.000 --> 0:03:27.320 this and the poor girl penned and she did mate. 0:03:27.480 --> 0:03:29.360 But the problem was that she died a fright, and 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:31.400 she dropped the clutch to sort of get off me 0:03:31.440 --> 0:03:33.359 as quickly as she can. She didn't do a smooth 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:35.160 gear change, and so when she dropped the clutch, it 0:03:35.240 --> 0:03:37.320 just skittered the front tires up that were parked on 0:03:37.360 --> 0:03:39.400 top of my legs, and it took the top of 0:03:39.440 --> 0:03:41.560 the ball joint out of my ankle, took the top 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:43.640 of the bone off as a tie. I skittered, it 0:03:43.720 --> 0:03:45.520 ripped the bone out, ripped all the flesh off and 0:03:45.840 --> 0:03:48.680 then and she went over my legs and I got up. 0:03:48.680 --> 0:03:50.800 When I stood up and I leaned on the passenger window, 0:03:51.040 --> 0:03:52.800 her boyfriend was in the passenger and I looked at it. 0:03:52.800 --> 0:03:56.200 I was like, fuck there and they're like, oh my god. 0:03:56.200 --> 0:03:58.040 And the boyfriend's like, you know, okay, mae to you, okay, 0:03:58.040 --> 0:04:01.240 he's two park your kids, Yeah, okay mate, And I 0:04:01.280 --> 0:04:03.080 was like, fucking, I think I was wearing gang cars 0:04:03.120 --> 0:04:05.000 covered in gang colors. I had a blue band down 0:04:05.000 --> 0:04:07.600 and blue shorts on a blue singleer. These poor kids 0:04:07.600 --> 0:04:10.000 are like they're dying because they're like, not only run 0:04:10.040 --> 0:04:11.880 someone over, I run a fucking game. 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:14.480 I'm just trying to picture it. So they come in 0:04:14.720 --> 0:04:17.159 shopping center car park, they're probably coming in there to 0:04:17.160 --> 0:04:23.440 do their shopping or whatever. And then a bump go 0:04:23.520 --> 0:04:25.400 over here and they look down and there you are 0:04:25.480 --> 0:04:26.719 with a smoking your hand. 0:04:26.920 --> 0:04:29.320 Yeah, and I got I still holding my smoker, got 0:04:29.320 --> 0:04:31.560 out holding my smokers like that fucking and just had 0:04:31.560 --> 0:04:34.359 a drag and then looked at them and then I 0:04:34.480 --> 0:04:35.840 was like, I'm going to go home in the bed. 0:04:36.279 --> 0:04:38.000 I think it's going to get some more ice. And 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:39.400 I was like, I'm going to go on the bed, 0:04:39.600 --> 0:04:42.159 and but I was like, I'm going to score my 0:04:42.160 --> 0:04:44.479 fucking legs killing me. I gotta get some drugs. And 0:04:44.600 --> 0:04:46.680 my cousin's flatmate was in the car at the time. 0:04:47.040 --> 0:04:48.880 Cousins still in the fucking in the shop and my 0:04:48.920 --> 0:04:51.280 cousin's flat mats in the in the car and he goes, no, man, 0:04:51.320 --> 0:04:53.640 we've got to take you a He panicked. He's like, 0:04:53.640 --> 0:04:55.600 we got to take get hospital. This is fucking really 0:04:55.640 --> 0:04:56.359 bad that today. 0:04:56.400 --> 0:04:57.920 And I'm like, no, no, no, it's all good. 0:04:58.480 --> 0:05:00.040 Just give me some drugs and I'll be fine. And 0:05:00.520 --> 0:05:02.680 he jumps in there, puts me in the passenger, jumps 0:05:02.680 --> 0:05:05.559 in the drivers. That's It's like it was taking a drift. 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:08.760 This guy was racing, racing in the hospital. You're going 0:05:08.839 --> 0:05:11.000 to kill us on the way to the hospital, You're idiot. 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:12.919 And and we got to the hospital and they wheeled 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:14.599 me in on a wheelchair. I don't know if it 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:17.520 was because I had all these these gang colors on 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:20.719 or what, but they did not want to serve me. 0:05:21.000 --> 0:05:23.160 The hospital staff took for ear. But it gets to 0:05:23.160 --> 0:05:24.800 me I sat there for an hour league bleeding. 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:27.120 Maybe because you're off your faces off my. 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:29.479 Face, you know, I'm off my face, I'm high, out 0:05:29.480 --> 0:05:31.680 of my mind, and I and you know, just I 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:33.880 looked really unsavory. I had no shoes on. It wasn't 0:05:33.880 --> 0:05:35.520 even wearing shoes. When I got to the big w 0:05:35.640 --> 0:05:38.680 I had no shoes on. And they wheeled me in 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:42.280 and they pulled this rlb toothbrush out of the out 0:05:42.279 --> 0:05:44.200 of the packet, and the guy just scrubbed the scrub 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:44.880 the bone clean. 0:05:45.480 --> 0:05:45.800 That was it. 0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:47.200 And that was the only thing they really did for me. 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:50.320 They scrubbed all the bones clean with a toothbrush, hosed 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:52.560 it all off, got all the tire rubber and the 0:05:52.600 --> 0:05:55.520 stones and bits of glass out of my ankle, and 0:05:55.560 --> 0:05:57.280 then he banded it up and he just said made it. 0:05:57.720 --> 0:05:59.720 If you get it infected, I'm gonna have to take 0:05:59.720 --> 0:06:01.840 your leave. Go for the knee. So don't you do feet? 0:06:01.839 --> 0:06:03.440 And he goes, nah, we just do above them below 0:06:03.480 --> 0:06:05.960 the knee. I said, that's that's a pretty that's a 0:06:05.960 --> 0:06:07.039 pretty small menu, mate. 0:06:07.160 --> 0:06:12.880 It's a well. Life's going good for you. Yeah, everything, 0:06:13.279 --> 0:06:15.040 everything's going going well. 0:06:15.080 --> 0:06:17.279 It was great. I was living at this mild house, 0:06:17.320 --> 0:06:21.839 I think mongrel mob house. There was all these uh, 0:06:21.880 --> 0:06:24.680 this fellow I worked with him. His brother was a 0:06:24.720 --> 0:06:27.400 sergeant of arms of the mongrelob Some people are familiar 0:06:27.480 --> 0:06:29.880 with the movie here, not everybody, but they're really big. 0:06:29.960 --> 0:06:31.880 Very very powerful, very powerful. 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:34.360 Yeah, very heavy, gang like very heavy. They do a 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:36.120 lot of a lot of crimes. I think the initiation 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:37.919 back in the day was a raper and murder to 0:06:37.960 --> 0:06:41.000 get in. So a lot of heavy characters, especially the Ogs. 0:06:41.040 --> 0:06:43.080 The old boys are real heavy characters. And I was 0:06:43.080 --> 0:06:47.040 living at this house and I started talking to this guy. 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:48.920 I met him actually while I was still bandage. It 0:06:48.960 --> 0:06:50.600 was only about a week later. I went round to 0:06:50.640 --> 0:06:54.479 this guy's house to hook up with him, Maldi Fella 0:06:54.560 --> 0:06:57.040 from South Aukland, and absolutely loved them the best at 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:58.560 the best time ever. It was such a it was 0:06:58.600 --> 0:07:00.359 such a great feeling. And it was not because we 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:01.800 were at his house. It was out of the city. 0:07:01.839 --> 0:07:03.479 I didn't feel like I had any eyes on me 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:05.159 or anything like that because prior to then I was 0:07:05.160 --> 0:07:06.839 hooking up with guys but on the secret. 0:07:06.960 --> 0:07:09.640 So okay, so this was you hadn't come out with 0:07:09.720 --> 0:07:14.160 your with your gang mates or nobody knew. I'm still 0:07:14.200 --> 0:07:16.680 deep in the closet, but you were. You would find 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:19.600 partners and find people to hook up with, and you 0:07:19.720 --> 0:07:21.320 do that, but do it on the quiet. 0:07:21.040 --> 0:07:22.760 On the quiet, And there was times i'd go there. 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:25.160 Sometimes i'd go to the sauna. The sauna was good too, 0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:27.640 because you could sell drugs at the sauna, so you 0:07:27.640 --> 0:07:29.920 could go there. One stop shop, yeah, one stop job. 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:32.080 It was business and please, you're all in the same building. 0:07:32.120 --> 0:07:34.080 And I would go there and you could do that, 0:07:34.160 --> 0:07:35.840 and and I would hook up with guys. But I 0:07:35.840 --> 0:07:38.000 remember it was it was in the an area of 0:07:38.040 --> 0:07:40.720 the city where there was a lot of people who 0:07:40.720 --> 0:07:42.040 were the same colors that I did. 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:42.920 I was. 0:07:43.040 --> 0:07:45.080 I was always terrified because he'd come out of the 0:07:45.080 --> 0:07:46.760 building at night, and you'd always poke your head out 0:07:46.800 --> 0:07:48.320 on the street and you'd look both ways to make 0:07:48.320 --> 0:07:50.480 sure there was nobody who you might know and nobody 0:07:50.440 --> 0:07:53.400 who might know somebody you know coming out of that building. 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:55.600 So I was terrified. And when I was hanging out, 0:07:55.600 --> 0:07:58.920 this guy was a really nice, relaxed sort of set up. 0:07:58.960 --> 0:08:02.320 We hung out, I stayed the night. We keep messaging 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:05.920 and I'd just been run over. Life was looking pretty bad. 0:08:06.160 --> 0:08:07.760 I didn't really have a lot of options. I had 0:08:07.800 --> 0:08:10.480 no money. I think I was about to be homeless again, 0:08:11.720 --> 0:08:13.720 and we chatted for a few months, and then it 0:08:13.800 --> 0:08:16.800 wasn't long after that I ended up staying in his 0:08:16.840 --> 0:08:19.040 house like every single night, and then I was just 0:08:19.080 --> 0:08:20.600 like and then he was His mum was like, do 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:22.440 you just want to live here? Said yeah, I'd love to, 0:08:22.440 --> 0:08:24.880 because she knew the situation I was in. Sheid, we'll 0:08:24.880 --> 0:08:26.280 take care and it's all good, you can live here. 0:08:27.120 --> 0:08:29.000 So I was stoked. I was really happy I started 0:08:29.040 --> 0:08:31.360 living with him. It wasn't long after that it was 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:36.640 my twenty first was coming up, and I remember I 0:08:36.720 --> 0:08:39.800 there was something trying to stoic about it, but like 0:08:39.960 --> 0:08:42.080 it was sort of old school but new school combined 0:08:42.120 --> 0:08:44.560 where I was like, yeah, I'm gay, which is I 0:08:44.600 --> 0:08:46.240 was really ashamed of and I was still deep in 0:08:46.240 --> 0:08:47.760 the closet about it. But at the same time, this 0:08:47.920 --> 0:08:49.840 was my partner, and I didn't want to have my 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:53.560 twenty first without celebrating my partner, and you know, that 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:55.679 would just be such a I just found out. I 0:08:55.760 --> 0:08:57.200 just thought, of my head, that was just such a 0:08:57.240 --> 0:09:00.160 weak thing to do to keep it a secret, and 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:03.280 I was and so I told. I told my cousin, 0:09:04.240 --> 0:09:05.959 I told a few people I knew, I told my 0:09:06.360 --> 0:09:08.600 parents trying to come out of the closet. To my mom, 0:09:08.640 --> 0:09:11.240 she didn't believe me. So that was the worst. That 0:09:11.280 --> 0:09:13.440 was the worst coming out overhead was trying to tell 0:09:13.480 --> 0:09:15.120 someone you're gay and they don't believe you in you're 0:09:15.200 --> 0:09:17.280 and you're like blue in the face, like no, I'm gay, 0:09:17.280 --> 0:09:19.959 and my mom's like, no, you're not. I'm like no, 0:09:20.120 --> 0:09:21.480 I am, and she's like I don't believe you. And 0:09:21.520 --> 0:09:23.160 then she just and then after all she was like, 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:25.040 this isn't even a funny joke. While you're trying to 0:09:25.360 --> 0:09:27.080 I was always a funny character, always trying to do 0:09:27.120 --> 0:09:27.559 funny shit. 0:09:27.600 --> 0:09:28.800 And she's like, this isn't even funny. 0:09:28.800 --> 0:09:30.720 I don't know why you're trying to trying to flog 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:32.679 this horse, like it doesn't make any sense. I'm no, 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:35.240 I'm being serious. My mom gay And she just looked 0:09:35.280 --> 0:09:36.640 at me and she goes, oh, knock me down at 0:09:36.679 --> 0:09:38.400 a feather dust. I always thought it to be your brother. 0:09:40.480 --> 0:09:43.520 Just can't can't accept it. I couldn't believe it. Yeah, 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:47.360 I've seen I've seen that no name, no pactrials, so 0:09:47.440 --> 0:09:50.320 I identify the people. But I've seen that with people 0:09:50.320 --> 0:09:53.320 that just can't accept it and they don't. It's not 0:09:53.480 --> 0:09:56.040 you can't even take offense because it's not done maliciously. 0:09:56.120 --> 0:10:00.000 It's just something that they don't even haven't even comprehended. 0:10:00.240 --> 0:10:02.200 Nah, they'd never crossed in my own one. So, like 0:10:02.240 --> 0:10:03.680 you know, I have all the kids my mom had, 0:10:03.720 --> 0:10:05.680 I was the worst one. I was the most violent. 0:10:05.760 --> 0:10:07.920 I was a forty player. I always played rugby. I 0:10:08.000 --> 0:10:11.240 was always never shy of a fight. I you know, 0:10:11.280 --> 0:10:13.440 worked in the meat industry for ages, you know, which 0:10:13.480 --> 0:10:16.200 is quite a masculine sort of environment, and I am 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:18.400 quite a masculine sort of guy. But it was also 0:10:18.480 --> 0:10:21.839 just am attracted to two men. So yeah, it was. 0:10:21.920 --> 0:10:23.640 It was such a funny coming out. And I remember 0:10:23.720 --> 0:10:27.520 my twenty first turned into all of but four people 0:10:27.640 --> 0:10:29.760 was one of my my big sister, my older sister, 0:10:30.320 --> 0:10:32.000 my two parents, and my partner at the time, and 0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:33.760 that was my whole twenty first at year. I went 0:10:33.800 --> 0:10:35.319 from being a party to. 0:10:35.400 --> 0:10:39.199 Four people because you'd come out, yeah, to confronting. 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:41.200 Yeah, I think I just for a lot of people. 0:10:41.600 --> 0:10:42.679 Oh mane, that's sad. 0:10:43.080 --> 0:10:45.400 Yeah, I know what you mean. It was ended up 0:10:45.400 --> 0:10:47.040 just actually, to be honest, it was a really nice 0:10:47.040 --> 0:10:50.000 twenty first, I ended up just having dinner with my 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:53.600 folks and my big sister and it was but you 0:10:53.600 --> 0:10:55.520 know it was it was really sad at the time. 0:10:55.720 --> 0:10:57.679 It was really sad. And I had I had people 0:10:57.760 --> 0:11:01.040 message me and you know, be like that, don't talk 0:11:01.080 --> 0:11:02.760 to me, and I don't want to know you. And 0:11:03.200 --> 0:11:05.360 I had cousins message me and say, don't come to 0:11:05.440 --> 0:11:06.319 family Christmas. 0:11:06.440 --> 0:11:09.920 See I just I know feelings like that can run 0:11:10.320 --> 0:11:12.440 strong with certain people, but I didn't think it would 0:11:12.480 --> 0:11:16.160 get to that stage, not this day and age. But 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:19.559 you had people just overtly coming stay away from me. 0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:23.120 Yeah, stay away from me. I had cousins say, don't 0:11:23.120 --> 0:11:25.480 come to family Christmas. You know, I'm from a Mildi family, 0:11:25.520 --> 0:11:28.640 an Indigenousaily we have big Christmas is like forty people plus, 0:11:29.440 --> 0:11:32.120 and they'd be like, They're like, don't come to family Christmas. 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:33.800 I don't want to eat my lunch next to a faggot. 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:36.440 I didn't think it would be that strong, But that 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:38.719 might be just me being naive, like it. 0:11:38.960 --> 0:11:41.040 Yeah me, and like, yeah, it could be all the 0:11:41.120 --> 0:11:44.600 years in Sydney because Sydney is quite gay. Yeah, pretty 0:11:44.679 --> 0:11:46.040 used to it. And when I talk to people over 0:11:46.040 --> 0:11:47.640 here in Sydney and stuff like that. You guys have 0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:49.760 had a gay scene. You've had Marty Grus since the age. 0:11:49.840 --> 0:11:52.680 Yeah, okay, that makes sense. That makes sense. 0:11:52.800 --> 0:11:55.000 Like I was in christ Juche, Christich when I was 0:11:55.200 --> 0:11:56.720 When I lived in christ Uch they didn't have a 0:11:56.760 --> 0:11:58.839 Pride march. The only pride march they had was a 0:11:58.880 --> 0:12:01.280 white Pride march. There was, Yeah, they had a white 0:12:01.280 --> 0:12:02.480 Pride march, but not a gay pride. 0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:03.960 Mane in the air, isn't it. Yeah. 0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:06.000 Yeah, So that just speaks volumes on the sort of 0:12:06.000 --> 0:12:07.600 city I was living it at the time. And that's 0:12:07.640 --> 0:12:09.720 New Zealand. If you want to know what New Zealand's like, 0:12:09.760 --> 0:12:12.160 it's it's an amazing country. Like I love my country, 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:14.360 I love my people, I love it. But if you 0:12:14.360 --> 0:12:16.200 want to know what rural New Zealand's like, it's like 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:18.800 just think about Australia in the seventies or eighties. Yeah, 0:12:19.040 --> 0:12:20.160 it's just still the same culture. 0:12:20.200 --> 0:12:22.400 That makes sense. How did it make you feel the 0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:23.960 fact that you came out. Was that a big weight 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:24.760 off your show? Yeah? 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:25.280 It was great. 0:12:25.400 --> 0:12:26.280 It was so great. 0:12:26.520 --> 0:12:29.160 It was it was it was the initial initially, it 0:12:29.200 --> 0:12:31.800 was the first key to my release. I was I 0:12:31.840 --> 0:12:37.079 was stoked. I almost immediately, you know, within the next 0:12:37.120 --> 0:12:39.760 couple of months, I stopped doing drugs, and I stopped 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:41.960 doing drugs. I stopped hanging out of those and I 0:12:42.000 --> 0:12:44.440 wanted to stop, especially after getting run over and all 0:12:44.440 --> 0:12:46.400 the rest of everything else that happened. I've been homeless 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:47.760 and everything making kills. 0:12:47.880 --> 0:12:49.720 Yeah. Yeah, that's what my mom fucking said. 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:51.160 That's exactly what you said. 0:12:51.240 --> 0:12:54.720 Yeah, okay, So it seems to me what you're saying 0:12:54.760 --> 0:12:57.280 here is that this whole burden that you've been carrying 0:12:57.280 --> 0:13:00.720 about hiding your sexuality has been lifted. Yeah, life's looking 0:13:00.720 --> 0:13:03.160 a little bit brighter. It's not all doom and gloom anymore. 0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:05.960 You're not living living the lie. What are these drugs for? 0:13:06.040 --> 0:13:06.679 I don't need them. 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:08.960 I don't need them. Yeah. I like my reality. Now 0:13:09.080 --> 0:13:11.319 that's great, and it's an exciting thing. Now I've got 0:13:11.320 --> 0:13:13.280 this thing I can build, which is my life. I've 0:13:13.280 --> 0:13:15.640 got this life I get to build. I get to 0:13:15.720 --> 0:13:18.560 actually be in the same value line as what I 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:20.400 you know what I mean, I can live that same life. 0:13:20.440 --> 0:13:22.079 I don't have to worry about what's the worst thing 0:13:22.080 --> 0:13:23.360 that people are going to say? All the things that 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:25.160 ever held me back was in the back of my mind. 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:28.200 I could always hear people saying fuck you gay or something. 0:13:28.600 --> 0:13:30.280 And to be honestly, you have the funny thing about 0:13:30.280 --> 0:13:32.320 that is it's like, yeah, I am. It's not even 0:13:32.400 --> 0:13:34.160 that takes a sting out of it, takes this thing 0:13:34.160 --> 0:13:35.640 out of it. It's like, funny you should say that, 0:13:35.800 --> 0:13:37.520 like what are you gay or something? It's likely funny 0:13:37.559 --> 0:13:40.240 you say that I am gay. So yeah, it was. 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:42.400 It was a huge weight and and it was this 0:13:42.520 --> 0:13:44.520 exciting opportunity for me to be like, right, what I 0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:46.040 want to do was the life I wanted to live. 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:48.000 I used to have all these fantasies as a young 0:13:48.040 --> 0:13:50.839 boy going or young boy but the young man going, 0:13:50.840 --> 0:13:52.880 I'm going to run away to San Francisco or I'm going. 0:13:52.760 --> 0:13:54.839 To go somewhere, be true to myself and live my life. 0:13:54.840 --> 0:13:57.240 I live my life, you know, and escape this this 0:13:57.240 --> 0:14:01.920 this you know situation I'm in. And then now I'm like, 0:14:01.960 --> 0:14:03.600 I can actually do that, I can actually do what 0:14:03.640 --> 0:14:06.680 I want to do. I can start building building steps 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:08.320 towards the life that I want to live and start 0:14:08.360 --> 0:14:11.240 creating my life and not be afraid I wasn't afraid anymore, 0:14:11.280 --> 0:14:13.560 Like the scary part had been done. 0:14:13.920 --> 0:14:16.280 That's an interesting way to put it. You're not afraid anymore. 0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:20.680 That's horrible going through life if you're afraid that term 0:14:20.720 --> 0:14:24.080 like I was afraid. Yeah, just being yourself in life. 0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:26.080 Every day, just afraid of my own existence. You're afraid 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:27.960 of afraid of the reality of my own existence. And 0:14:28.720 --> 0:14:31.520 so yeah, after coming out, it was pretty pretty quickly. 0:14:31.600 --> 0:14:33.760 I just stopped doing drugs. My partner didn't do drugs 0:14:33.760 --> 0:14:35.440 and he didn't want he didn't want any drugs. I 0:14:35.440 --> 0:14:36.840 still drank, but there was a kid, and I just 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:38.840 worked really hard. I got an apprenticeship at a really 0:14:38.840 --> 0:14:42.800 good butcher shop and it was one of the best 0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:46.600 in the country, and I really wanted to actually get qualified. 0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:49.880 I never got you have a trade. So I knuckled 0:14:49.920 --> 0:14:52.760 down and for the next three years I just worked 0:14:52.760 --> 0:14:55.400 really hard. I did big days, you know, I do 0:14:55.520 --> 0:14:59.400 seventy five hundred hour weeks in the shop. And my 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:02.800 apprenticeship a I did the butchery competitions in New Zealand. 0:15:02.840 --> 0:15:04.800 I got dirt equal in New Zealand as a butcher, 0:15:04.840 --> 0:15:07.640 and you know, I really loved it. I really loved it. 0:15:07.640 --> 0:15:10.360 It became a whole world. Life was going well, really good. 0:15:10.360 --> 0:15:12.440 But you know, from going from twenty years old and 0:15:12.480 --> 0:15:15.480 being run over by a car and being gang affiliated 0:15:15.640 --> 0:15:19.000 and a drug addict to being twenty three and being 0:15:19.040 --> 0:15:22.480 out of the closet, gay man, fully qualified, butcher, and 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:24.880 I'd saved enough money to get pre proof for a 0:15:24.920 --> 0:15:25.360 home loan. 0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:28.960 Yeah, well, full full credit to you. Yeah well, And 0:15:29.000 --> 0:15:31.600 I'd like to end the podcast here, but I'd love 0:15:31.640 --> 0:15:34.760 that when we and you lived happily ever after that 0:15:34.760 --> 0:15:36.920 it's a beautiful story and what a great way to 0:15:36.920 --> 0:15:39.760 finish high catch killers. But sadly we don't finish that 0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:44.440 way certainly. Let's know how the song love hurts? Yeah, exactly, 0:15:44.800 --> 0:15:47.720 tell us, okay, say the perfect life it was. 0:15:47.760 --> 0:15:49.680 It was that white picket fence. And I really thought 0:15:49.720 --> 0:15:51.120 that at the time, was like I've done it. I've 0:15:51.120 --> 0:15:54.240 built that white picket fence. I've gone from you know, sixteen, 0:15:54.280 --> 0:15:56.640 having nobody to live and been terrified and then all 0:15:56.680 --> 0:15:58.240 the rest of it, and then getting to twenty three, 0:15:58.360 --> 0:15:59.920 and I remember getting pre proof for a home loan 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:02.080 and just going like, wow, I'm going to buy a house. 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:04.440 You know, this house is going to set me up. 0:16:04.720 --> 0:16:06.440 By the time I'm thirty, I might have a couple 0:16:06.480 --> 0:16:08.920 more under my belt and maybe a butcher shop. And 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:12.120 who knows, life is looking good, really good, you know, 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:14.240 being twenty three and looking to buy buy your first time, 0:16:14.240 --> 0:16:17.080 it's pretty good. And may do where you live. My 0:16:17.200 --> 0:16:19.760 partner at the time, it was my fiancee at the time. Actually, 0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:22.000