1 00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:13,241 Speaker 1: Apoday Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy 2 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:14,001 Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. 3 00:00:14,361 --> 00:00:17,320 Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to 4 00:00:17,361 --> 00:00:20,801 Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself. 5 00:00:20,961 --> 00:00:23,320 Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. 6 00:00:23,321 --> 00:00:26,241 Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone 7 00:00:26,281 --> 00:00:27,801 Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about. 8 00:00:28,401 --> 00:00:30,761 Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self. 9 00:00:31,401 --> 00:00:34,041 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to She Rises with Ashley and Tiana. 10 00:00:34,081 --> 00:00:35,961 Speaker 1: We've got a big episode today, we do. 11 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,561 Speaker 2: We are going to be unpacking our deepest traumas and 12 00:00:38,881 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 2: frigod Yes. 13 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,681 Speaker 1: So this is a raw and honest one, but I 14 00:00:42,681 --> 00:00:45,200 Speaker 1: think it's important to talk about because, as always we 15 00:00:45,241 --> 00:00:47,761 Speaker 1: always want to dissolve the shame around them and bring 16 00:00:47,801 --> 00:00:50,401 Speaker 1: them forward so we can bring lightness to it, we 17 00:00:50,441 --> 00:00:52,561 Speaker 1: can learn from it, we can connect with it as well. 18 00:00:52,601 --> 00:00:54,081 Speaker 2: But first Share of the week. 19 00:00:53,961 --> 00:00:58,041 Speaker 1: Okay, my just random, it's just Amazon. I love shopping 20 00:00:58,041 --> 00:01:00,801 Speaker 1: on Amazon. Anything that you can think of, you just 21 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,881 Speaker 1: type it in and there's so many options and it's 22 00:01:02,881 --> 00:01:04,761 Speaker 1: delivers straight to your door a couple of days later, 23 00:01:05,561 --> 00:01:08,401 Speaker 1: like phone charges or toys for the kids, or even 24 00:01:08,441 --> 00:01:11,080 Speaker 1: there's clothes on there. It's just got everything, and I 25 00:01:11,081 --> 00:01:13,001 Speaker 1: find it cheaper than the shops, and I just love 26 00:01:13,041 --> 00:01:15,560 Speaker 1: online shopping. So I've got a bit of an Amazon addiction. 27 00:01:15,601 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 1: At the moment I've. 28 00:01:16,961 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 2: Had something be delivered the next day, I was oppressed. 29 00:01:19,401 --> 00:01:20,041 Speaker 1: Sometimes it is. 30 00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:21,841 Speaker 2: It's really fast sufficiency. 31 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,160 Speaker 1: It's so good. So if you're just looking for different 32 00:01:24,241 --> 00:01:26,761 Speaker 1: things and you can't find at the shop, where you 33 00:01:26,761 --> 00:01:28,840 Speaker 1: just can't bother going to stop. Sometimes shops overwhelm me, 34 00:01:29,121 --> 00:01:30,881 Speaker 1: Like I like going to try clothes on, but sometimes 35 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:32,041 Speaker 1: I just wanted it online. 36 00:01:32,121 --> 00:01:34,841 Speaker 2: Yeah, Amazon, in the comfort of your own home, literally 37 00:01:34,881 --> 00:01:38,041 Speaker 2: beautiful and yours. So you know how everyone's been doing 38 00:01:38,041 --> 00:01:39,961 Speaker 2: these videos where they're doing like show their empties. 39 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:41,401 Speaker 1: Yes, so you went last week. 40 00:01:41,481 --> 00:01:43,441 Speaker 2: Can you show your empties of like your favorite product? 41 00:01:43,521 --> 00:01:43,721 Speaker 1: Yes. 42 00:01:44,041 --> 00:01:46,601 Speaker 2: My current empty which is I need to stock up 43 00:01:46,601 --> 00:01:49,201 Speaker 2: on is actually a hideaway shower moose. So it's the 44 00:01:49,321 --> 00:01:53,121 Speaker 2: Vanilla Delight scent. Yes, And it's so good. Something about 45 00:01:53,201 --> 00:01:55,401 Speaker 2: the texture feels so nice on my skin. I prefer 46 00:01:55,481 --> 00:01:56,961 Speaker 2: that over body wash now because. 47 00:01:56,721 --> 00:01:59,401 Speaker 1: It just so good. It's just so creamy, so. 48 00:01:59,361 --> 00:02:01,961 Speaker 2: Creamy at lathers so nicely. So I'm like, yeah, that's 49 00:02:02,081 --> 00:02:03,601 Speaker 2: my current empty at the moment that I need to 50 00:02:03,641 --> 00:02:04,081 Speaker 2: restuck up. 51 00:02:04,201 --> 00:02:07,201 Speaker 1: I love that. And if you loved our whip soap, 52 00:02:07,281 --> 00:02:09,721 Speaker 1: this is the replacement for the whip soap, so we 53 00:02:09,761 --> 00:02:12,201 Speaker 1: don't sell the whipsap anymore. But yeah, it's so good. 54 00:02:12,241 --> 00:02:14,041 Speaker 1: And Vanila de Light number one selling fragrance. 55 00:02:14,081 --> 00:02:16,401 Speaker 2: Oh, I understand it, but it just smells so good. 56 00:02:17,121 --> 00:02:19,321 Speaker 1: All right, let's get into it. What is one of 57 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:22,041 Speaker 1: your biggest triggers. 58 00:02:22,481 --> 00:02:25,801 Speaker 2: The fear of being left behind? That's showed up for 59 00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:28,841 Speaker 2: me a lot in friendships. Yeah, and also has shown 60 00:02:28,921 --> 00:02:30,641 Speaker 2: up actually at the end of relationships. 61 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,041 Speaker 1: Okay, can you elaborate what do you mean left behind? 62 00:02:33,281 --> 00:02:36,841 Speaker 2: I noticed that Let's say I feel like someone's outgrowing me, 63 00:02:37,161 --> 00:02:39,520 Speaker 2: or I feel like a relationship is falling apart, let's 64 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:43,001 Speaker 2: say intimately. And then I have like this instant fear 65 00:02:43,081 --> 00:02:44,561 Speaker 2: of like, oh my god, like what if I get 66 00:02:44,641 --> 00:02:48,041 Speaker 2: left behind? So it's like it's not necessarily that that's happening, 67 00:02:48,401 --> 00:02:50,560 Speaker 2: but it's that the way that I interpret the situation 68 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,441 Speaker 2: makes me feel like, oh my god, But what if 69 00:02:52,481 --> 00:02:54,401 Speaker 2: I get left behind and I'm no longer important? 70 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:55,841 Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, so. 71 00:02:55,721 --> 00:02:57,601 Speaker 2: It's out of the tribe, out of the tribe. 72 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,201 Speaker 1: Yeah alone, Yeah, yeah, interesting. 73 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,800 Speaker 2: I feel like that probably comes off the back end 74 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 2: of a rejection wound, an abandonment, an abandon All of 75 00:03:04,561 --> 00:03:06,881 Speaker 2: them eyes in together, doesn't it. They're all just like 76 00:03:06,921 --> 00:03:09,120 Speaker 2: little different facets and show up in different ways, But 77 00:03:09,161 --> 00:03:10,601 Speaker 2: I feel like it's the same core wound. 78 00:03:11,001 --> 00:03:13,000 Speaker 1: Yes, where does that come from? Do you think? 79 00:03:13,201 --> 00:03:15,601 Speaker 2: I mean the story that I have of being left behind? 80 00:03:16,361 --> 00:03:18,321 Speaker 2: The first thing that kind of comes to mind is 81 00:03:18,401 --> 00:03:21,561 Speaker 2: like being a young girl and having older sisters. So 82 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:25,081 Speaker 2: not that it was anything bad, but just little consistent 83 00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:27,361 Speaker 2: moments of me feeling like I wasn't old enough to 84 00:03:27,361 --> 00:03:29,401 Speaker 2: go hang out with the girls, or like, you know, 85 00:03:29,441 --> 00:03:31,201 Speaker 2: they would always go and spend time with each other 86 00:03:31,201 --> 00:03:33,281 Speaker 2: because they were older and they wanted to go driving, 87 00:03:33,321 --> 00:03:35,601 Speaker 2: and I could never go with them, and it sounds 88 00:03:35,601 --> 00:03:38,521 Speaker 2: really like no feel something, and then it stacks over time. 89 00:03:38,641 --> 00:03:41,161 Speaker 2: It was like a continuous stacking thing, always feeling like 90 00:03:41,601 --> 00:03:43,761 Speaker 2: I think I maybe internalize that feeling of like not 91 00:03:43,801 --> 00:03:45,801 Speaker 2: feeling good enough that I couldn't go with them, I 92 00:03:45,801 --> 00:03:47,601 Speaker 2: couldn't be with them and spend time with them. But 93 00:03:47,721 --> 00:03:49,801 Speaker 2: really the reality of it was like I was just 94 00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:52,681 Speaker 2: too young, wasn't in the same age bracket as they were. 95 00:03:52,761 --> 00:03:55,561 Speaker 2: They were probably seventeen eighteen, you know, wanted to go 96 00:03:55,641 --> 00:03:57,961 Speaker 2: do their own thing, and I was quite younger, so it. 97 00:03:57,961 --> 00:04:01,161 Speaker 1: Was just and then over time in your life, you'll 98 00:04:01,161 --> 00:04:04,361 Speaker 1: feel a familiar feeling. So now when it's cut out 99 00:04:04,441 --> 00:04:06,721 Speaker 1: up in friendship, a different situation, that's why it's called 100 00:04:06,761 --> 00:04:08,721 Speaker 1: to just peel back where it first came from, because 101 00:04:08,761 --> 00:04:11,641 Speaker 1: it's like the same thing is a different situation. So 102 00:04:11,681 --> 00:04:14,081 Speaker 1: when you like go back and heal and understand it 103 00:04:14,081 --> 00:04:16,321 Speaker 1: what I feel like, it helps it not feel so heavy. 104 00:04:16,401 --> 00:04:18,241 Speaker 2: I feel like there have been past friendships where I've 105 00:04:18,281 --> 00:04:20,521 Speaker 2: had that feeling where I felt like other people were 106 00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:23,921 Speaker 2: closer with each other than and that that's why I 107 00:04:23,921 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 2: feel like it stems from my sisters, a feeling like 108 00:04:25,801 --> 00:04:28,601 Speaker 2: they were always Oh that's so flaw Yeah, yeah, they 109 00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:31,641 Speaker 2: were so close. And then I've had friendships where they 110 00:04:31,721 --> 00:04:34,041 Speaker 2: got super close, and then I automatically thought it meant 111 00:04:34,081 --> 00:04:36,721 Speaker 2: that I was being left out, so my triggers came up. 112 00:04:36,761 --> 00:04:39,801 Speaker 2: I was super anxious. I was scared of abandonment, so 113 00:04:39,841 --> 00:04:41,880 Speaker 2: I was kind of walking on eggshells and thinking like, 114 00:04:42,361 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 2: oh my god, any moment, like the ball could drop 115 00:04:44,801 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 2: and like these people could leave, you know, and then 116 00:04:47,481 --> 00:04:49,801 Speaker 2: that eventually ended up happening. It was really interesting. 117 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:53,001 Speaker 1: That makes so much sense. One of my biggest ones 118 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,200 Speaker 1: was I don't think it is anymore, but I still 119 00:04:55,201 --> 00:04:57,440 Speaker 1: wanted to speak on it because for my whole life, 120 00:04:57,481 --> 00:04:59,361 Speaker 1: I feel like it's been. One of my biggest triggers 121 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:03,881 Speaker 1: is alcohol. It's weird. It's not everyone that drinks, like 122 00:05:03,921 --> 00:05:08,640 Speaker 1: when my friends drink doesn't affect me, but men. And 123 00:05:08,921 --> 00:05:10,601 Speaker 1: if I was to rewind it back, a lot of 124 00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:12,041 Speaker 1: you have been watching me for a long time. It 125 00:05:12,121 --> 00:05:14,921 Speaker 1: was stemmed from my stepfather being quite a big alcoholic 126 00:05:15,041 --> 00:05:18,281 Speaker 1: and he would get abusive and yell and aggressive and 127 00:05:18,681 --> 00:05:22,161 Speaker 1: very unpredictable. So I always felt unsafe around our cohol. 128 00:05:22,281 --> 00:05:24,521 Speaker 1: So then when men in my life would drink alcohol, 129 00:05:25,001 --> 00:05:27,841 Speaker 1: it was that instant, like my body felt unsafe and 130 00:05:27,921 --> 00:05:30,641 Speaker 1: like what's going to happen next? So that caused a 131 00:05:30,681 --> 00:05:32,681 Speaker 1: lot of problems for Steve and I and our first 132 00:05:33,081 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: season of our relationship. For many years, if we ever fought, 133 00:05:35,921 --> 00:05:40,200 Speaker 1: it was always about alcohol always. And Steve is not aggressive, 134 00:05:40,561 --> 00:05:42,641 Speaker 1: he's not a yeller, he's super chill. He's a big 135 00:05:42,681 --> 00:05:45,721 Speaker 1: teddy bear. But it didn't matter, because that wound was 136 00:05:45,761 --> 00:05:48,681 Speaker 1: just stemmed from such a young age. I just associated 137 00:05:48,761 --> 00:05:51,520 Speaker 1: men and alcohol is not a good thing. So that 138 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,161 Speaker 1: used to be such a big trigger. But it's kind 139 00:05:53,201 --> 00:05:56,041 Speaker 1: of been taken awaycause Steve doesn't rink anymore, which is awesome. 140 00:05:56,641 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 1: Even over the last five years, it hasn't been as 141 00:05:59,561 --> 00:06:02,361 Speaker 1: big a trigger of like the safety it just hasn't aligned. 142 00:06:03,401 --> 00:06:05,641 Speaker 1: So yeah, not so much when girlfriends, But I still 143 00:06:05,681 --> 00:06:08,681 Speaker 1: don't like being in environments where people are really intoxicated 144 00:06:09,081 --> 00:06:11,561 Speaker 1: and it's not a true connection. I feel it's almost 145 00:06:11,561 --> 00:06:14,721 Speaker 1: this false sense of connection and it is still really unpredictable, 146 00:06:14,961 --> 00:06:16,681 Speaker 1: and it just feels like a darker energy to me. 147 00:06:16,801 --> 00:06:19,481 Speaker 1: So I'm not really around many people that drink anymore. 148 00:06:19,481 --> 00:06:21,001 Speaker 1: Like I have a couple of girlfriends that enjoy, like 149 00:06:21,041 --> 00:06:22,881 Speaker 1: make enjoy its a couple of drinks in Bali and 150 00:06:23,361 --> 00:06:25,001 Speaker 1: like I know Deanie likes to have a wine or two. 151 00:06:25,241 --> 00:06:27,361 Speaker 1: That doesn't affect me at all, But most people hang 152 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:30,001 Speaker 1: around that isn't really alcohol in my life, and I 153 00:06:30,121 --> 00:06:32,201 Speaker 1: like having it not in my field. But it used 154 00:06:32,241 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 1: to be such a huge trigger. I would just get 155 00:06:34,681 --> 00:06:37,201 Speaker 1: so disregulated when Steve would have a couple of drinks 156 00:06:37,361 --> 00:06:40,081 Speaker 1: and it almost didn't matter if he had one or 157 00:06:40,121 --> 00:06:43,081 Speaker 1: if he had ten. Yeah, it doesn't matter. As soon 158 00:06:43,121 --> 00:06:46,001 Speaker 1: as he had started to drink and he wasn't just Steve, 159 00:06:46,681 --> 00:06:48,001 Speaker 1: the connection was gone for me. 160 00:06:48,161 --> 00:06:50,161 Speaker 2: Yeah, immediately, It's like I didn't want to be around 161 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 2: it that. Yeah, difference changed. 162 00:06:52,721 --> 00:06:55,401 Speaker 1: Yeah, So I'm really glad it's not in my life anymore. 163 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,961 Speaker 1: And I'm glad that I don't have to feel that 164 00:06:58,201 --> 00:07:01,721 Speaker 1: sense of unsafety around men in alcohol. So I'd be 165 00:07:01,761 --> 00:07:03,841 Speaker 1: interesting if I was an environment with other men. How 166 00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:04,880 Speaker 1: i'd feel Now I don't. 167 00:07:04,681 --> 00:07:07,481 Speaker 2: Actually interesting, And because it's also so far away from 168 00:07:07,481 --> 00:07:10,001 Speaker 2: you now, like you're so separate from so separate being 169 00:07:10,041 --> 00:07:11,081 Speaker 2: around those environments. 170 00:07:11,201 --> 00:07:12,681 Speaker 1: But if I'm ever out at dinner, like can we 171 00:07:12,721 --> 00:07:14,721 Speaker 1: walk past? Like even the other night, Steve, when I 172 00:07:14,761 --> 00:07:16,121 Speaker 1: went to date night and there was these guys in 173 00:07:16,121 --> 00:07:18,681 Speaker 1: the car park. It was obviously Friday afternoon beers, and 174 00:07:18,721 --> 00:07:21,561 Speaker 1: they were just being so loud and rowdy and like 175 00:07:21,801 --> 00:07:25,681 Speaker 1: whistled at me in front of Steve, and I was like, hell, gross, 176 00:07:25,761 --> 00:07:28,041 Speaker 1: I go home, Yeah what are you doing? Yeah, you 177 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,481 Speaker 1: look like forty years old and you're whistling at a 178 00:07:30,481 --> 00:07:33,121 Speaker 1: girl that's got a husband with her. She's gross. Gross. 179 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,961 Speaker 1: I was like, that's such an ick, Like I don't 180 00:07:35,001 --> 00:07:35,721 Speaker 1: like to be around it. 181 00:07:35,841 --> 00:07:37,321 Speaker 2: Yeah, so understandable though. 182 00:07:37,521 --> 00:07:39,441 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's one of my biggest ones. What else, what 183 00:07:39,481 --> 00:07:41,121 Speaker 1: about you anyons? It's a big one. 184 00:07:41,201 --> 00:07:41,841 Speaker 2: It's a big one. 185 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:42,441 Speaker 1: Yeah. 186 00:07:42,481 --> 00:07:45,521 Speaker 2: Another one for me trust issues with men in relationships. 187 00:07:46,001 --> 00:07:49,841 Speaker 2: So my maybe walk call wound, but maybe a trigger. Yeah, 188 00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:54,881 Speaker 2: probably feeling like I might be replaced with someone better. Yeah, 189 00:07:54,921 --> 00:07:57,121 Speaker 2: because my first relationship, like I didn't know this at 190 00:07:57,161 --> 00:07:59,721 Speaker 2: the time when we were together, but I found out 191 00:07:59,761 --> 00:08:02,761 Speaker 2: after we'd already broken up. But then silly, I actually 192 00:08:02,841 --> 00:08:04,401 Speaker 2: ended up going back to him after I found out. 193 00:08:04,321 --> 00:08:04,961 Speaker 1: That he cheated on me. 194 00:08:05,041 --> 00:08:06,001 Speaker 2: Were just so deep in it. 195 00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:06,801 Speaker 1: It was like not good. 196 00:08:07,201 --> 00:08:08,801 Speaker 2: But yeah, I found out after like a year and 197 00:08:08,841 --> 00:08:10,881 Speaker 2: a half or two years that he apparently cheated on 198 00:08:10,961 --> 00:08:13,161 Speaker 2: me like lots of times throughout the relationship, but I 199 00:08:13,161 --> 00:08:15,761 Speaker 2: didn't know as much after and I just remember feeling 200 00:08:15,841 --> 00:08:18,801 Speaker 2: so silly because I didn't know and I was ignorant 201 00:08:18,801 --> 00:08:20,401 Speaker 2: to it, and I knew what he was like, but 202 00:08:20,441 --> 00:08:22,281 Speaker 2: I never thought that he was capable of doing that, 203 00:08:23,041 --> 00:08:25,401 Speaker 2: And just remember feeling silly because I felt like the 204 00:08:25,441 --> 00:08:27,641 Speaker 2: more people told me the more I realized that everybody 205 00:08:27,681 --> 00:08:29,241 Speaker 2: else knew when I didn't, Oh, you felt like I 206 00:08:29,281 --> 00:08:32,281 Speaker 2: felt like idiot. I felt humiliated. That's a good word. Yeah, yeah, 207 00:08:32,281 --> 00:08:33,801 Speaker 2: I just felt so silly. And so I think it 208 00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:36,280 Speaker 2: kind of created this narrative in me of like, oh, 209 00:08:36,281 --> 00:08:38,201 Speaker 2: there's somebody else better who I can be? 210 00:08:38,241 --> 00:08:39,281 Speaker 1: Really? Why am I not enough? 211 00:08:39,401 --> 00:08:39,561 Speaker 2: Yeah? 212 00:08:39,641 --> 00:08:40,241 Speaker 1: Yeah? Why am I? 213 00:08:40,561 --> 00:08:42,761 Speaker 2: Why am I not enough? So there's a better option, 214 00:08:42,921 --> 00:08:45,401 Speaker 2: There's somebody else out there who's got more than what 215 00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:48,041 Speaker 2: I do or for whatever reason. It was the way 216 00:08:48,041 --> 00:08:51,281 Speaker 2: that I internalized that pain. I made it about me 217 00:08:51,521 --> 00:08:54,241 Speaker 2: instead of being like, oh, it was his decision and yeah, 218 00:08:54,281 --> 00:08:55,881 Speaker 2: you know, had nothing to do with me. I just 219 00:08:55,961 --> 00:08:58,641 Speaker 2: at the time I was too young, of course. So 220 00:08:58,761 --> 00:09:01,321 Speaker 2: I think that showed up for me, and that helped 221 00:09:01,361 --> 00:09:04,201 Speaker 2: created like trust issues through every relationship. 222 00:09:04,321 --> 00:09:04,961 Speaker 1: Now it's a wound. 223 00:09:05,121 --> 00:09:06,921 Speaker 2: So now it's a wound. Yeah, So I get super 224 00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:10,481 Speaker 2: insecure in relationships because I'm like, one, can I truly 225 00:09:10,521 --> 00:09:13,161 Speaker 2: trust this person? Can I trust that what they're saying 226 00:09:13,321 --> 00:09:16,241 Speaker 2: is real? Can I trust that the things that they 227 00:09:16,761 --> 00:09:19,641 Speaker 2: are telling me is actually true and they're being transparent 228 00:09:19,721 --> 00:09:21,001 Speaker 2: or are they lying right? 229 00:09:21,321 --> 00:09:24,601 Speaker 1: Yeah? And do you fully trust them? At first, or 230 00:09:24,681 --> 00:09:27,481 Speaker 1: do you need evidence to fully trust them? Because if 231 00:09:27,521 --> 00:09:29,601 Speaker 1: you meet someone, say you get a new relationship, and 232 00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:31,761 Speaker 1: they're like, I'm really trustworthy person, like you've got nothing 233 00:09:31,801 --> 00:09:34,281 Speaker 1: to worry about. It's the value of mine, and they 234 00:09:34,281 --> 00:09:37,241 Speaker 1: say all the things. Does your nervous system and maybe 235 00:09:37,281 --> 00:09:39,201 Speaker 1: your head in your heart say different things like your body? 236 00:09:39,401 --> 00:09:41,681 Speaker 1: But do you instantly go M I'm not sure yet. 237 00:09:42,001 --> 00:09:44,161 Speaker 2: I think it's changed over the years. Yeah, Like I 238 00:09:44,201 --> 00:09:47,001 Speaker 2: would say, like in a relationship two years ago, I 239 00:09:47,401 --> 00:09:50,081 Speaker 2: probably was a lot more skeptical, yeah, and I was 240 00:09:50,721 --> 00:09:53,801 Speaker 2: more cautious in the beginning. I'm like, you don't get 241 00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:55,721 Speaker 2: to have my trust straight away, right, you gotta earn it, 242 00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:58,161 Speaker 2: give me, earn it, give me evidence. Whereas now I 243 00:09:58,161 --> 00:10:00,161 Speaker 2: feel like I give people more of a benefit of 244 00:10:00,161 --> 00:10:02,401 Speaker 2: the doubt now, So I feel like that doesn't feel 245 00:10:02,441 --> 00:10:04,361 Speaker 2: as strong of a wound for me anymore because I 246 00:10:04,361 --> 00:10:06,521 Speaker 2: feel like I'm trust myself more and I'm learning to 247 00:10:06,841 --> 00:10:09,281 Speaker 2: give people the benefit of the doubt and not bringing 248 00:10:09,321 --> 00:10:11,641 Speaker 2: old stuff into the new relations not bring my baggage, 249 00:10:11,721 --> 00:10:14,441 Speaker 2: you know. So that's been good to feel that difference 250 00:10:14,441 --> 00:10:16,601 Speaker 2: of now where I'm like, okay, yes, you can tell 251 00:10:16,641 --> 00:10:18,521 Speaker 2: me all the things, and that's okay, but I just 252 00:10:18,561 --> 00:10:21,081 Speaker 2: don't take people's words for weight. Yeah, you know, I'm like, 253 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,761 Speaker 2: I'm just going to give you the benefit of the doubt, 254 00:10:22,801 --> 00:10:25,081 Speaker 2: and then if I see with your behavior that you're 255 00:10:25,081 --> 00:10:29,201 Speaker 2: going to betray that or you know, do anything break that, yeah, 256 00:10:29,241 --> 00:10:31,081 Speaker 2: then I'm like, okay, well then you show me. 257 00:10:31,001 --> 00:10:36,681 Speaker 1: Who you are. Yeah. Yeah, so interesting. Yeah. My biggest 258 00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:41,881 Speaker 1: current wound would definitely bring in would definitely be abandonment. Yeah, 259 00:10:41,921 --> 00:10:44,881 Speaker 1: and it's not with Steve. I feel so secure with him. 260 00:10:44,961 --> 00:10:47,401 Speaker 1: I do not feel anxious at all. Like he's the 261 00:10:47,401 --> 00:10:51,161 Speaker 1: most secure relationship I've ever had, but more in friendship. Yeah, yeah, 262 00:10:51,481 --> 00:10:55,481 Speaker 1: definitely shows up so often. There's just little moments and 263 00:10:55,761 --> 00:10:57,401 Speaker 1: a lot of the time it's not anything anyone else 264 00:10:57,481 --> 00:11:00,081 Speaker 1: is doing. It's just my own stuff. And when I 265 00:11:00,121 --> 00:11:01,281 Speaker 1: was talking to my mom about it, I was like, 266 00:11:01,321 --> 00:11:03,721 Speaker 1: why do I get so anxious and think everyone's going 267 00:11:03,761 --> 00:11:06,521 Speaker 1: to leave me? And She's like, Oh, You've had friendships 268 00:11:06,521 --> 00:11:08,481 Speaker 1: that have fallen apart for reasons that you don't know, 269 00:11:08,641 --> 00:11:11,801 Speaker 1: you don't understand, And I think friendships have just always 270 00:11:11,841 --> 00:11:14,121 Speaker 1: been such a big lifeline for you. You've always really 271 00:11:14,201 --> 00:11:17,161 Speaker 1: lent on them. And you've really needed your friends, especially 272 00:11:17,201 --> 00:11:19,201 Speaker 1: when our home life wasn't great growing up, Like it's 273 00:11:19,201 --> 00:11:21,641 Speaker 1: three your teenage years, you were just you were never home. 274 00:11:21,841 --> 00:11:24,041 Speaker 1: You're always at your friend's houses and leaning on them. 275 00:11:24,081 --> 00:11:26,521 Speaker 1: They're so important to you that you get you know, 276 00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:28,641 Speaker 1: emotionally attached, and you give a lot and you are 277 00:11:28,641 --> 00:11:31,441 Speaker 1: you hard on your sleeve. So when you do get left, 278 00:11:31,841 --> 00:11:33,641 Speaker 1: it really really hurts here as a lot of people 279 00:11:33,641 --> 00:11:36,321 Speaker 1: can just like I've got one friend. She can literally 280 00:11:36,361 --> 00:11:38,161 Speaker 1: cut people off and say say yeah, as soon as 281 00:11:38,161 --> 00:11:40,121 Speaker 1: they do something wrong by her, She's like bye, It's. 282 00:11:39,961 --> 00:11:42,921 Speaker 2: Like a mouth. I'm like, how it de've hatched so quickly. 283 00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:46,121 Speaker 1: Yeah, if you attached, even if someone's quote unquote doing 284 00:11:46,161 --> 00:11:48,761 Speaker 1: wrong by me or we're not aligned, like, I still 285 00:11:48,801 --> 00:11:51,561 Speaker 1: try everything I can to make sure that friendship can 286 00:11:51,681 --> 00:11:55,521 Speaker 1: remain until it doesn't obviously, but yeah, I just get 287 00:11:55,601 --> 00:11:58,601 Speaker 1: so scared of being abandoned and it'll show up in 288 00:11:58,641 --> 00:12:00,681 Speaker 1: our friendship. Two. We both have it, we both do 289 00:12:00,881 --> 00:12:02,841 Speaker 1: and BALI you even had a moment. Me and Mick 290 00:12:02,881 --> 00:12:05,561 Speaker 1: had no idea that you're feeling like that. It just 291 00:12:05,761 --> 00:12:07,681 Speaker 1: I can't even remember the context of it, but it 292 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,321 Speaker 1: just came up and we just loved on you four 293 00:12:09,321 --> 00:12:10,881 Speaker 1: it because I was like, I get that. I totally 294 00:12:10,921 --> 00:12:11,721 Speaker 1: understand that feeling. 295 00:12:11,841 --> 00:12:14,281 Speaker 2: Yeah, honestly can't. This does job in our friendship. But 296 00:12:14,321 --> 00:12:16,201 Speaker 2: we talk about it, We talk about it, bring it in, 297 00:12:16,201 --> 00:12:17,841 Speaker 2: anytime it comes up, we bring it out. Yeah, it 298 00:12:17,841 --> 00:12:19,561 Speaker 2: did come up for me in Bali. I had this 299 00:12:19,601 --> 00:12:21,121 Speaker 2: moment where we were just. 300 00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:22,681 Speaker 1: Dinner and then you came home and you were like, 301 00:12:22,721 --> 00:12:24,401 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you guys still love me. 302 00:12:24,521 --> 00:12:27,321 Speaker 2: I I think I was just feeling more anxious that day, 303 00:12:27,361 --> 00:12:29,561 Speaker 2: already sleep, that sort of stuff. 304 00:12:29,561 --> 00:12:31,481 Speaker 1: And then I just we were talking about past things too, 305 00:12:31,481 --> 00:12:32,841 Speaker 1: which I think brought up feelings. 306 00:12:33,001 --> 00:12:35,321 Speaker 2: Oh. I think it was like past behavior of mine 307 00:12:35,361 --> 00:12:36,401 Speaker 2: in past friendships. 308 00:12:36,521 --> 00:12:36,841 Speaker 1: Yeah. 309 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:40,041 Speaker 2: And I think previously I have been left and abandoned 310 00:12:40,041 --> 00:12:43,201 Speaker 2: and judged and you know, almost like shamed for having 311 00:12:43,241 --> 00:12:45,361 Speaker 2: too much, for being too much. Yeah, And then I 312 00:12:45,401 --> 00:12:47,321 Speaker 2: thought I was like, oh fuck, like is the same 313 00:12:47,321 --> 00:12:49,361 Speaker 2: thing going to happen here? And then I remember being like, 314 00:12:49,401 --> 00:12:51,761 Speaker 2: oh my god, like they don't love me anymore, Like 315 00:12:51,801 --> 00:12:53,201 Speaker 2: they're going to want to leave and I'm going to 316 00:12:53,241 --> 00:12:55,121 Speaker 2: be my friend after spending so much time with me 317 00:12:55,161 --> 00:12:57,521 Speaker 2: in Bali And that's right, Yeah, and I remember sitting 318 00:12:57,521 --> 00:12:59,361 Speaker 2: on the back of the bike and telling you about it. Yeah, 319 00:12:59,521 --> 00:13:01,121 Speaker 2: for like an hour of me just being in my 320 00:13:01,161 --> 00:13:02,961 Speaker 2: own head and you being like, oh my god. 321 00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:06,241 Speaker 1: As we walked into the villa, give me a hug. Yeah, 322 00:13:06,321 --> 00:13:06,921 Speaker 1: it's like never. 323 00:13:07,201 --> 00:13:08,521 Speaker 2: Once I got off the bike and we went to 324 00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:09,921 Speaker 2: the villa, I said it to Meg. I was like, 325 00:13:09,921 --> 00:13:11,201 Speaker 2: I feel like you guys don't want to be my 326 00:13:11,201 --> 00:13:11,841 Speaker 2: friend anymore. 327 00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:14,081 Speaker 1: Yeah, And you said it really cute and playfully, because 328 00:13:14,121 --> 00:13:16,481 Speaker 1: I think logically, you know, yeah, we're not going anywhere, 329 00:13:16,481 --> 00:13:18,521 Speaker 1: but it's just like, let's always bring this stuff in, 330 00:13:18,601 --> 00:13:21,441 Speaker 1: like you never have to suffer in silence. Even you listening, 331 00:13:21,441 --> 00:13:23,081 Speaker 1: it might sound so silling, be like, why would you 332 00:13:23,161 --> 00:13:25,201 Speaker 1: just think that, But we all have our own wounds. 333 00:13:25,201 --> 00:13:27,161 Speaker 1: We all have our own insecurities and things that come 334 00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,921 Speaker 1: up and they're real. Doesn't mean they're true, but they real. 335 00:13:30,201 --> 00:13:32,001 Speaker 1: They come up and you feel it. And when you 336 00:13:32,041 --> 00:13:33,681 Speaker 1: have a safe container that you can bring that in 337 00:13:33,761 --> 00:13:36,361 Speaker 1: and just be reassured, it's so nice. And I think, 338 00:13:36,361 --> 00:13:38,401 Speaker 1: because like we've said, we have the same wounds, we 339 00:13:38,441 --> 00:13:40,521 Speaker 1: know how to support each other through that. It just 340 00:13:40,521 --> 00:13:42,681 Speaker 1: makes me love anymore. I want to show you that 341 00:13:42,681 --> 00:13:44,961 Speaker 1: that's just not going to happen here. You know. You 342 00:13:44,961 --> 00:13:46,721 Speaker 1: can bring in all the things and we can have 343 00:13:46,801 --> 00:13:48,881 Speaker 1: the hard conversations and go through hard times together and 344 00:13:48,921 --> 00:13:50,161 Speaker 1: we're still going to be here for each other. 345 00:13:50,721 --> 00:13:52,961 Speaker 2: It's just funny, though. It's like when you're in your 346 00:13:53,001 --> 00:13:56,641 Speaker 2: logic and you're feeling really good and regulated, yeah, you're like, okay, logically, 347 00:13:56,681 --> 00:13:59,521 Speaker 2: I can understand that, But then when you're emotionally in 348 00:13:59,641 --> 00:14:01,201 Speaker 2: the abandonmentment. 349 00:14:00,761 --> 00:14:03,081 Speaker 1: Feel so real, get so anxious, feel. 350 00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:04,481 Speaker 2: So heavy, you know, and you're like, oh my god, 351 00:14:04,521 --> 00:14:07,121 Speaker 2: all the thoughts that I'm thinking right now feels so true, 352 00:14:07,561 --> 00:14:09,281 Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh my god, I might actually lose 353 00:14:09,321 --> 00:14:10,601 Speaker 2: this person that I love so much. 354 00:14:10,721 --> 00:14:12,641 Speaker 1: That's the wound you take your mind takes you to 355 00:14:12,641 --> 00:14:15,001 Speaker 1: what it would feel like to not have them. Yeah. Yeah, 356 00:14:15,001 --> 00:14:17,481 Speaker 1: So there was a moment recently. You came to Meg 357 00:14:17,521 --> 00:14:20,921 Speaker 1: and I about a situation and Meg was like all 358 00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,441 Speaker 1: for it, and I was like a bit more cautious. 359 00:14:24,041 --> 00:14:27,361 Speaker 1: So our advice was very different, and I just walked 360 00:14:27,361 --> 00:14:30,841 Speaker 1: away from that conversation being like, oh my gosh, she's 361 00:14:30,881 --> 00:14:33,081 Speaker 1: going to not come and tell me things now because 362 00:14:33,321 --> 00:14:35,081 Speaker 1: I've not gone against what you wanted to do. It 363 00:14:35,121 --> 00:14:37,521 Speaker 1: wasn't against It was just like, let's just take a moment. 364 00:14:37,641 --> 00:14:40,521 Speaker 1: Let's reevaluate, like is this the right move, is this 365 00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:42,881 Speaker 1: too fast? Let's think about it. 366 00:14:43,001 --> 00:14:45,321 Speaker 2: You just questioned my decision and you were just asking questions. 367 00:14:45,361 --> 00:14:48,281 Speaker 1: Yeah, And I wasn't saying don't do it because I'm like, yolo, 368 00:14:48,481 --> 00:14:51,041 Speaker 1: don't wait, live your life. But I also just on 369 00:14:51,161 --> 00:14:54,041 Speaker 1: past experiences with you and your life, I was like, 370 00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:56,161 Speaker 1: let's just take a moment. Yeah, but I thought because 371 00:14:56,201 --> 00:14:58,561 Speaker 1: Meg was being so supportive and like, yeah, girl, well 372 00:14:58,561 --> 00:15:00,881 Speaker 1: live your life. And then I wasn't. I remember just 373 00:15:00,921 --> 00:15:03,121 Speaker 1: going home and I was like, oh my gosh, I 374 00:15:03,201 --> 00:15:05,001 Speaker 1: was too much. Then I was too forward, I was 375 00:15:05,161 --> 00:15:06,921 Speaker 1: too honest. She's not going to feel safe with me. 376 00:15:07,001 --> 00:15:08,801 Speaker 1: She's not going to come and tell me things. And 377 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:10,281 Speaker 1: I called you and I was like, oh my gosh, 378 00:15:10,321 --> 00:15:12,321 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, and you were like no, no, no. 379 00:15:12,361 --> 00:15:14,721 Speaker 1: When I go on there, you always tell me how 380 00:15:14,761 --> 00:15:16,161 Speaker 1: it is, and I will do the same to you 381 00:15:16,361 --> 00:15:17,241 Speaker 1: and I will question you. 382 00:15:17,281 --> 00:15:18,281 Speaker 2: That's what I love about you. 383 00:15:18,361 --> 00:15:20,561 Speaker 1: Yeah, And it was nice to have that reassurance. But 384 00:15:20,601 --> 00:15:23,921 Speaker 1: I even with the reassurance, I still felt disregulated because 385 00:15:23,961 --> 00:15:25,801 Speaker 1: it was a past wound off when I've done that, 386 00:15:26,081 --> 00:15:28,721 Speaker 1: I've been told as too much and you're too forward, yeah, 387 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,961 Speaker 1: and you're too opinionated and you don't understand, and it's 388 00:15:31,961 --> 00:15:34,561 Speaker 1: always comes from a good place, but it made me 389 00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,801 Speaker 1: want to shut down. Of course. I was like, oh, 390 00:15:36,841 --> 00:15:38,281 Speaker 1: I don't want to tell her any of that. I 391 00:15:38,281 --> 00:15:41,321 Speaker 1: should just be like Meg and just say go girl. Yeah. Yeah. 392 00:15:41,321 --> 00:15:43,561 Speaker 1: It was little moments like that that show up. I'm like, 393 00:15:43,641 --> 00:15:46,841 Speaker 1: oh wow, that fear of abandonment from being too much 394 00:15:46,921 --> 00:15:48,521 Speaker 1: or too honest is so there. Yeah. 395 00:15:48,721 --> 00:15:50,881 Speaker 2: Yeah, And I remember even reassuring you in the moment, 396 00:15:50,921 --> 00:15:53,161 Speaker 2: and you even said to me like, I hear you, 397 00:15:53,441 --> 00:15:55,521 Speaker 2: and it's so nice that you're reassuring me right now, 398 00:15:55,561 --> 00:15:57,281 Speaker 2: but a part of me doesn't believe what you're saying. 399 00:15:57,401 --> 00:15:57,641 Speaker 1: Yeah. 400 00:15:58,521 --> 00:16:00,441 Speaker 2: Yeah, And that was a really cool conversation to have 401 00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:02,641 Speaker 2: because the reality is when you're in that moment, it's 402 00:16:02,681 --> 00:16:03,361 Speaker 2: hard to believe with you. 403 00:16:03,521 --> 00:16:05,041 Speaker 1: I literally didn't believe you. 404 00:16:05,081 --> 00:16:07,161 Speaker 2: I was like, I like, right now for the triggered 405 00:16:07,241 --> 00:16:09,161 Speaker 2: and I can't hear you. Yeah. 406 00:16:09,241 --> 00:16:10,521 Speaker 1: I was like, I don't blame if you don't love 407 00:16:10,521 --> 00:16:10,921 Speaker 1: me anymore. 408 00:16:11,121 --> 00:16:12,521 Speaker 2: Yeah, You're like, look, it's fine if you want to leave. 409 00:16:12,521 --> 00:16:14,241 Speaker 2: Just leave now now I'm the band aid off. 410 00:16:15,401 --> 00:16:16,121 Speaker 1: Don't prolong this. 411 00:16:16,361 --> 00:16:20,001 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just like go now, okay for another two years. Gay. 412 00:16:20,121 --> 00:16:21,881 Speaker 1: Yeah, But then the way you explain it, you were like, 413 00:16:21,961 --> 00:16:23,521 Speaker 1: I will do the same to you. Yeah, Like this 414 00:16:23,561 --> 00:16:25,601 Speaker 1: friendship is honest and it's real, and if I think 415 00:16:25,681 --> 00:16:28,281 Speaker 1: you're making an impulsive decision, I will pull you up 416 00:16:28,281 --> 00:16:29,841 Speaker 1: and say let's talk about it. That's right, Like I 417 00:16:29,881 --> 00:16:31,401 Speaker 1: don't know if this is the right decision for you, 418 00:16:31,441 --> 00:16:34,201 Speaker 1: and like it's really nice a reassurance. But yeah, it's 419 00:16:34,241 --> 00:16:36,601 Speaker 1: just so real and in the moment, it's a spiral. 420 00:16:36,641 --> 00:16:38,561 Speaker 1: It's hard to believe. It's really hard to believe, and 421 00:16:38,601 --> 00:16:41,121 Speaker 1: you feel so isolated and you just shame yourself and 422 00:16:41,161 --> 00:16:43,161 Speaker 1: you kind of go in a dark hole. Yeah, I 423 00:16:43,481 --> 00:16:44,721 Speaker 1: feel anxious. 424 00:16:44,361 --> 00:16:46,561 Speaker 2: In those moments. He is to like regulate yourself. Yeah, 425 00:16:46,561 --> 00:16:49,001 Speaker 2: because you're not in the right way of thinking. Breath 426 00:16:49,001 --> 00:16:51,881 Speaker 2: gets disregulated, you feel so angliss everything else that you 427 00:16:51,921 --> 00:16:55,481 Speaker 2: see life through the lens. It's like, now something's wrong 428 00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:55,881 Speaker 2: with Steve. 429 00:16:56,001 --> 00:16:59,641 Speaker 1: Now on eggshells. When you're so justsregulated like that and anxious, 430 00:16:59,681 --> 00:17:01,921 Speaker 1: you just kind of even think clearly no and everything 431 00:17:01,961 --> 00:17:04,961 Speaker 1: I just feel on edge. It's wild. It's not fun. 432 00:17:05,201 --> 00:17:07,801 Speaker 2: It's not fun. I low key hate when I get 433 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,880 Speaker 2: in that, you know, and I know that I shouldn't, 434 00:17:10,201 --> 00:17:12,921 Speaker 2: but it's like it's not enjoyable. Yeah, it's not fun 435 00:17:12,961 --> 00:17:14,761 Speaker 2: and I don't feel it. It doesn't make you feel 436 00:17:14,761 --> 00:17:16,001 Speaker 2: good about yourself. 437 00:17:15,681 --> 00:17:18,121 Speaker 1: If you're shit, if you're insecure, you're like, oh my gosh, 438 00:17:18,281 --> 00:17:20,001 Speaker 1: why am I still like this? Why is this wound 439 00:17:20,041 --> 00:17:22,600 Speaker 1: still there? And I think sometimes it's like a wound, 440 00:17:22,761 --> 00:17:25,200 Speaker 1: it does heal over, but sometimes it gets scratched and 441 00:17:25,241 --> 00:17:27,080 Speaker 1: it starts bleeding a little bit. Other times it feels 442 00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:29,400 Speaker 1: like someone's ripped open the scab and it's pouring out 443 00:17:29,441 --> 00:17:31,801 Speaker 1: blood and you have to work on healing that again. 444 00:17:32,441 --> 00:17:35,360 Speaker 1: So true. I think over time it does get better. 445 00:17:35,441 --> 00:17:38,761 Speaker 1: And now now when I feel disregulated, I feel like 446 00:17:39,201 --> 00:17:42,080 Speaker 1: it's there and I feel it, but it doesn't last long. 447 00:17:42,521 --> 00:17:44,880 Speaker 1: Whereas a couple of years ago, it would ruin me 448 00:17:44,921 --> 00:17:48,041 Speaker 1: for weeks and be anxious on eggshells, wouldn't talk about it, 449 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,440 Speaker 1: carry shame, shut down withdraw, not hang out with people, 450 00:17:51,481 --> 00:17:54,041 Speaker 1: and I would really internalize it and then try and 451 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,840 Speaker 1: sweep it, hope it goes away until next time. And 452 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,761 Speaker 1: it just doesn't. So the quicker you can talk about it, 453 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,201 Speaker 1: voice it, make it playful, make it cute. 454 00:18:02,201 --> 00:18:05,680 Speaker 2: See make it guy, I'm feeling a bad I used 455 00:18:05,681 --> 00:18:07,281 Speaker 2: to do the same thing as well, and only used 456 00:18:07,281 --> 00:18:09,761 Speaker 2: to just exacerbate how it's feeling. So it was like 457 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,840 Speaker 2: if I would think about something, but I would think 458 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,440 Speaker 2: about it so much they would drive myself up the 459 00:18:14,481 --> 00:18:17,120 Speaker 2: wall and no one else would even know what's happening. Yeah, 460 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,240 Speaker 2: and then I'd be in this like mental spiral and 461 00:18:19,321 --> 00:18:21,681 Speaker 2: pit of like absolute hell in my own mind. 462 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:22,401 Speaker 1: It's not fun. 463 00:18:22,481 --> 00:18:23,801 Speaker 2: They'd be like, oh my god, they don't want me, 464 00:18:23,801 --> 00:18:25,321 Speaker 2: They're going to leave me. They think this of me, 465 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,600 Speaker 2: and all of my own self judgments would come out 466 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,201 Speaker 2: and I would project them onto other people. Yeah, they 467 00:18:30,201 --> 00:18:33,400 Speaker 2: were those people's opinions of me, you know, and then 468 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,401 Speaker 2: they just would get worse from there. But yeah, it's 469 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,361 Speaker 2: such an interesting. 470 00:18:36,441 --> 00:18:39,521 Speaker 1: So interesting, isn't it. So my two main ones was 471 00:18:39,561 --> 00:18:42,480 Speaker 1: alcohol but now more abandonment yea, and people just being 472 00:18:42,561 --> 00:18:44,801 Speaker 1: upset with me. It's just like a fear. Just don't 473 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,880 Speaker 1: like the thought of someone being upset with me. Yeah, 474 00:18:46,921 --> 00:18:48,680 Speaker 1: I would lose sleep over that. If I think someone's 475 00:18:48,721 --> 00:18:50,321 Speaker 1: upset with me, like that'll keep me up at eye 476 00:18:51,001 --> 00:18:54,241 Speaker 1: and I will overapologize and overtake responsibility and do whatever 477 00:18:54,241 --> 00:18:57,121 Speaker 1: I can to heal it, because that's the anxious coming out. 478 00:18:57,201 --> 00:18:59,400 Speaker 1: You just want to heal and like fix. Yeah, do 479 00:18:59,481 --> 00:19:01,201 Speaker 1: you will do anything to not feel that pain. 480 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,440 Speaker 2: Isn't it funny as well with anxious and avoidance differently 481 00:19:04,521 --> 00:19:06,960 Speaker 2: they operate so different. Anxious is like I need to 482 00:19:06,961 --> 00:19:08,481 Speaker 2: work it out now, I'm not gonna be able to sleep. 483 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,761 Speaker 1: Avoidance like oh see, yeah, I need to go like 484 00:19:12,001 --> 00:19:14,281 Speaker 1: regulate myself by myself. Yeah, I can't deal with this 485 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:17,321 Speaker 1: right now. Yeah, it's so interesting and different people. I'm 486 00:19:17,321 --> 00:19:19,761 Speaker 1: more disorganized. I can be avoidant or anxious depending on 487 00:19:19,761 --> 00:19:21,801 Speaker 1: who it's with and depending on the depth of the 488 00:19:21,801 --> 00:19:25,440 Speaker 1: conversation and what it's about. I feel like I can 489 00:19:25,481 --> 00:19:28,201 Speaker 1: be more anxious with safe people. Now someone I feel 490 00:19:28,241 --> 00:19:30,200 Speaker 1: safe with. Yeah, So what I don't feel safe with, 491 00:19:30,241 --> 00:19:34,360 Speaker 1: I'll avoid like money conversations. Yeah you've noticed that in me? Yes, Yeah, 492 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,241 Speaker 1: I got avoidant with that. Yeah. It's like super uncomfortable. Yeah. 493 00:19:37,921 --> 00:19:41,321 Speaker 2: Isn't it so funny? Like who who triggers what? Different 494 00:19:41,321 --> 00:19:42,961 Speaker 2: people trigger different things? 495 00:19:43,001 --> 00:19:46,161 Speaker 1: So weird? Yeah, and who you think can hold it. 496 00:19:46,721 --> 00:19:49,001 Speaker 1: If I don't think someone can hold that hard conversation, 497 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,041 Speaker 1: I'll avoid it at all costs. 498 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:54,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's understandable, though. I think having hard conversations with 499 00:19:54,281 --> 00:19:57,801 Speaker 2: people who aren't open to them, Yeah, makes the conversation 500 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,440 Speaker 2: so much harder because you kind of just go in circles. 501 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,160 Speaker 1: And it brings out the rejection room because then if 502 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,281 Speaker 1: they're avoidant, you know it's going to push them away. 503 00:20:04,561 --> 00:20:07,681 Speaker 1: That'llvoid talking to you after that. I've experienced that before too. 504 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:11,120 Speaker 2: Or if they're emotionally reactive, that will they bury them 505 00:20:11,281 --> 00:20:13,561 Speaker 2: or they get triggered and then they got that onto you. 506 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,440 Speaker 2: It's like you know that that conversation is not going 507 00:20:15,521 --> 00:20:16,241 Speaker 2: to be safe. 508 00:20:16,001 --> 00:20:19,401 Speaker 1: So it's like, what's the point. Yeah, I'll avoid, I'll suppress. 509 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,321 Speaker 1: We all do it. Yeah, it's so interesting. 510 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,521 Speaker 2: Yeah, lucky for us we get to bounce between both. Hey, 511 00:20:27,241 --> 00:20:30,281 Speaker 2: oh not anxious, we're avoidant, just avoid it, we're anxious. 512 00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:34,041 Speaker 1: Yeah. Literally, it's just really good to understand your own wounds, 513 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,360 Speaker 1: where they come from, unpack them, talk about them, and 514 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,440 Speaker 1: do your best to heal them, but also just acknowledge them, 515 00:20:39,481 --> 00:20:41,880 Speaker 1: because if you don't, you can't escape them. They're there, 516 00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,201 Speaker 1: they're real, they're from your experience a lot of the time, 517 00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:47,041 Speaker 1: from your childhood too, that are going anywhere. So if 518 00:20:47,041 --> 00:20:49,080 Speaker 1: you try and suppress them, they just get bigger and uglier, 519 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:50,561 Speaker 1: and you send yourself in a spiral, and you don't 520 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,761 Speaker 1: talk about it because you're carrying shame, so you feel 521 00:20:52,801 --> 00:20:55,041 Speaker 1: even worse. Yeah, and then the projectson come out, and 522 00:20:55,041 --> 00:20:57,281 Speaker 1: then you feel lonely, and then it's just a horrible 523 00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,761 Speaker 1: spiral to get in to bring it in, and all 524 00:20:59,801 --> 00:21:01,360 Speaker 1: the time the right people around you will love on 525 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,160 Speaker 1: you for it and just reassure you that you're okay 526 00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,201 Speaker 1: and that you got this absolutely. 527 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,400 Speaker 2: And the biggest thing as well, if you're going to 528 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,640 Speaker 2: start bringing awareness to these things, just know that do 529 00:21:10,681 --> 00:21:13,920 Speaker 2: it without judgment. Yeah, Like actively choose in the moment 530 00:21:14,041 --> 00:21:15,801 Speaker 2: to not judge yourself for the things that come up, 531 00:21:15,801 --> 00:21:17,920 Speaker 2: and just see it with a neutral lens, like be 532 00:21:18,041 --> 00:21:21,160 Speaker 2: willing to see it with curiosity, don't bring emotion to 533 00:21:21,241 --> 00:21:23,161 Speaker 2: it and just allow it to be there, because that's 534 00:21:23,201 --> 00:21:25,041 Speaker 2: the way that you actually get to move through it 535 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:26,840 Speaker 2: is when you can talk about it like this, where 536 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,561 Speaker 2: there's no emotional charge around it. Like even though we're 537 00:21:29,561 --> 00:21:31,761 Speaker 2: talking about it now. Neither of us are going, oh 538 00:21:31,801 --> 00:21:33,080 Speaker 2: my god, like I don't want her to see me 539 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:34,561 Speaker 2: in this, or I don't want anybody to know this 540 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,961 Speaker 2: about me. It's like when you can just hold space 541 00:21:37,001 --> 00:21:39,880 Speaker 2: for it, let it be, don't judge it, don't criticize 542 00:21:39,921 --> 00:21:42,240 Speaker 2: it or shame yourself for it being there, that's when 543 00:21:42,281 --> 00:21:43,801 Speaker 2: you'll actually be able to go, oh wow, this is 544 00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:46,240 Speaker 2: a part of myself that I can actually accept. Yeah, 545 00:21:46,281 --> 00:21:48,321 Speaker 2: And that's the biggest part. Is like learning to accept 546 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,561 Speaker 2: the parts of yourself that don't feel the best all 547 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:50,961 Speaker 2: the time. 548 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,360 Speaker 1: I love that, and also with your partners too. I 549 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:54,961 Speaker 1: had this moment with Steve a couple of weeks ago. 550 00:21:54,961 --> 00:21:57,241 Speaker 1: I found this video. It was this ouzzy guy it 551 00:21:57,281 --> 00:21:59,481 Speaker 1: must be a Relationship coach, and it was talking about 552 00:21:59,561 --> 00:22:03,080 Speaker 1: the way that men shut down when they feel criticized 553 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,080 Speaker 1: and when they feel like they can never make you happy. 554 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,761 Speaker 1: And he had lots of things in the one video, 555 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:11,561 Speaker 1: and I feel that Steve does this sometimes, But to 556 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,160 Speaker 1: go to him and give him this feedback, it's quite 557 00:22:14,201 --> 00:22:16,481 Speaker 1: uncomfortable because I never want him feel criticized. I feel like, 558 00:22:16,521 --> 00:22:18,281 Speaker 1: when you're going to talk to your partner about wounds 559 00:22:18,281 --> 00:22:20,961 Speaker 1: and triggers, read the room, and pick the right time. 560 00:22:21,961 --> 00:22:24,600 Speaker 1: So we were already in a really beautiful deep conversation. 561 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,481 Speaker 1: The kids were in bed. We were talking about life 562 00:22:26,521 --> 00:22:29,321 Speaker 1: and stress and just all the things. And then I said, 563 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,440 Speaker 1: I saw this really cool video lately. I'd love to 564 00:22:31,441 --> 00:22:34,120 Speaker 1: get your opinion on it. I think sometimes this can 565 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,920 Speaker 1: show up for us. And it wasn't just him. It 566 00:22:35,961 --> 00:22:38,361 Speaker 1: was the dynamic that I played in those situations when 567 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,160 Speaker 1: he's feeling like this, and how I can activate that 568 00:22:41,201 --> 00:22:43,401 Speaker 1: and how I can contribute to that. I fully own 569 00:22:43,481 --> 00:22:45,921 Speaker 1: my part. First, I was like, I can see when 570 00:22:45,961 --> 00:22:49,241 Speaker 1: I do xyz it can trigger you to them behave 571 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:51,601 Speaker 1: like this, and then I do this and it ends 572 00:22:51,681 --> 00:22:53,521 Speaker 1: up being in the spiral. What do you think? Do 573 00:22:53,521 --> 00:22:55,481 Speaker 1: you agree? And we watched it and he was first 574 00:22:55,561 --> 00:22:58,400 Speaker 1: just like, yeah, I don't know about all of it, 575 00:22:58,481 --> 00:23:00,200 Speaker 1: but yeah, I can see that we've played in the 576 00:23:00,201 --> 00:23:02,440 Speaker 1: past and that cycle we get into. But you've got 577 00:23:02,481 --> 00:23:04,720 Speaker 1: to be really mindful of picking the right time to 578 00:23:04,721 --> 00:23:08,001 Speaker 1: have this conversations, I think with anyone. Only it's not 579 00:23:08,041 --> 00:23:09,760 Speaker 1: something you just dump on someone or go to them 580 00:23:09,761 --> 00:23:12,121 Speaker 1: straight away, ask if they've got the capacity and see 581 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:13,680 Speaker 1: if they're in a good state to be able to 582 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,561 Speaker 1: hold it because it can be a really heavy conversation 583 00:23:16,761 --> 00:23:20,241 Speaker 1: and don't go on with criticism either, curiosity, owning your part, 584 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,961 Speaker 1: asking more questions, leading the conversation like that, I think 585 00:23:24,001 --> 00:23:26,641 Speaker 1: it can be really helpful for intimate relationships. Yeah. 586 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,360 Speaker 2: I like what you did as well, where you came 587 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,761 Speaker 2: in taking a responsibility part first, because then you weren't going, hey. 588 00:23:31,721 --> 00:23:33,400 Speaker 1: You do this and you've got to fix you all 589 00:23:33,441 --> 00:23:33,840 Speaker 1: your fault. 590 00:23:33,961 --> 00:23:36,240 Speaker 2: This is something I see in myself. Yeah, it is 591 00:23:36,241 --> 00:23:38,601 Speaker 2: that I do shit, Like let's work on this, you know. 592 00:23:38,521 --> 00:23:40,480 Speaker 1: But it's a together thing. Yeah, Like it's never his 593 00:23:40,561 --> 00:23:42,360 Speaker 1: fault or my fault. Both of us are playing our 594 00:23:42,441 --> 00:23:45,600 Speaker 1: roles here and trigger and activate different things within us. 595 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,720 Speaker 1: He has his own set of wounds and triggers, so 596 00:23:47,761 --> 00:23:50,441 Speaker 1: do I. We've come from two completely different backgrounds, completely 597 00:23:50,441 --> 00:23:53,761 Speaker 1: different upbringings. We're two completely different people, and to expect 598 00:23:53,801 --> 00:23:55,641 Speaker 1: two people just mesh and for them not to be 599 00:23:56,201 --> 00:24:00,521 Speaker 1: mess there, it's very unrealistic. That's relationships, right, combining too 600 00:24:00,561 --> 00:24:01,881 Speaker 1: completely different worlds. 601 00:24:01,561 --> 00:24:03,241 Speaker 2: And like learning how to navigate throughly. 602 00:24:03,961 --> 00:24:07,281 Speaker 1: So having this conversation even seventeen years later, it's really important, 603 00:24:07,681 --> 00:24:10,120 Speaker 1: but it's choosing the right time, reading the room, be 604 00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:13,561 Speaker 1: aware of your energy, your tone, your body language, creating 605 00:24:13,561 --> 00:24:16,680 Speaker 1: that safe space, taking responsibility, and like reassuring them that 606 00:24:16,721 --> 00:24:18,241 Speaker 1: this is a team thing. Love that. 607 00:24:18,481 --> 00:24:21,041 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's also super important as well who you're choosing 608 00:24:21,041 --> 00:24:23,160 Speaker 2: to have in your life, because if you have people 609 00:24:23,201 --> 00:24:27,640 Speaker 2: who are naturally empathetic, understanding, are willing to be curious 610 00:24:27,721 --> 00:24:29,680 Speaker 2: around certain things, you know that people are going to 611 00:24:29,761 --> 00:24:31,200 Speaker 2: learn to hold you correctly in the way that you. 612 00:24:31,241 --> 00:24:31,720 Speaker 1: Deserve to be. 613 00:24:31,761 --> 00:24:35,121 Speaker 2: And I think these conversations that you have do require 614 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:39,120 Speaker 2: a certain level of like emotional safety maturity. Yeah. And 615 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:40,840 Speaker 2: so when you know that two people are willing, and 616 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,241 Speaker 2: this is what we talk about often is if somebody 617 00:24:43,281 --> 00:24:44,801 Speaker 2: is willing, you're halfway there. 618 00:24:45,001 --> 00:24:45,600 Speaker 1: All you need. 619 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,840 Speaker 2: That's all you need, no matter if you don't know 620 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:49,241 Speaker 2: how to do it or how to get there or 621 00:24:49,241 --> 00:24:49,761 Speaker 2: how to have the. 622 00:24:50,041 --> 00:24:50,601 Speaker 1: Figure it out. 623 00:24:50,961 --> 00:24:54,441 Speaker 2: Will's willing and with willingness you'll find the way. 624 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:58,681 Speaker 1: Literally, that's all you need. Yeah, Like drop, we love 625 00:24:58,721 --> 00:25:00,920 Speaker 1: this and we'd love to extend this conversation back into 626 00:25:00,961 --> 00:25:03,041 Speaker 1: our Facebook forums. If you're not in there, just search 627 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,481 Speaker 1: she rises on Facebook. Let us know you your wounds, 628 00:25:05,561 --> 00:25:07,001 Speaker 1: let us know your trigger is and if you want 629 00:25:07,001 --> 00:25:09,360 Speaker 1: any advice too. We also have our Bestie segment on 630 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:13,521 Speaker 1: a Tuesday. We'll leave the link in the description box below. 631 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:16,041 Speaker 1: Just scroll down wherever you're listening to this podcast. It's 632 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,881 Speaker 1: completely anonymous. If you've got anything you want to ask us, 633 00:25:18,921 --> 00:25:20,640 Speaker 1: anything you want to bring in, anything you want some 634 00:25:20,681 --> 00:25:23,400 Speaker 1: guidance or help with. We're just two best friends having 635 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,120 Speaker 1: a chat on a couch and we'd love to help you. 636 00:25:25,281 --> 00:25:27,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, sounds good. We can't wait to see your submissions. 637 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,961 Speaker 1: All right, we'll see in the next episode. Bye bye.