WEBVTT - 255. Infertility, Emotionally drained and hope for more: What do I do next? 0:00:05.921 --> 0:00:13.361 Apoche production I Easier Advice? Are you okay? What happened? 0:00:14.001 --> 0:00:18.401 Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome 0:00:18.521 --> 0:00:26.241 to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you. 0:00:26.641 --> 0:00:29.321 All right, Welcome back to another episode on our bestI 0:00:29.361 --> 0:00:31.481 Advice segment. This is one of our favorite segments. 0:00:31.481 --> 0:00:32.081 Reason being is. 0:00:32.040 --> 0:00:34.040 Because we get to hear your real life stories and 0:00:34.081 --> 0:00:35.881 things that you are struggling with or things that you 0:00:35.881 --> 0:00:37.840 feel challenged by, and we are here to give you 0:00:37.881 --> 0:00:43.241 our most unsolicited bestie advice. Right, So, Ashley, what have 0:00:43.281 --> 0:00:44.201 we got for today? 0:00:44.480 --> 0:00:44.800 Okay? 0:00:44.801 --> 0:00:48.321 So the title is infertility Emotionally Drained and Hope for More? 0:00:48.400 --> 0:00:49.440 What do I do next? 0:00:50.001 --> 0:00:50.321 Alright? 0:00:50.361 --> 0:00:52.120 It's just a reminder these are all anonymous. We have 0:00:52.120 --> 0:00:54.041 no idea who has written this in. Hey girls, a 0:00:54.121 --> 0:00:58.041 very personal question. I guess I've been suffering from secondary infertility. 0:00:58.321 --> 0:01:00.841 It's very draining and very emotional for the last two years. 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:03.041 So my question is if you woke up one day 0:01:03.081 --> 0:01:04.921 and you couldn't have kids, would you adopt a child 0:01:04.961 --> 0:01:07.281 or a baby or foster a child. I'm going through 0:01:07.321 --> 0:01:09.281 a really hard time at the moment, and it's horrible. 0:01:09.521 --> 0:01:12.080 You get taught about not getting pregnant for so long. 0:01:12.321 --> 0:01:14.121 Then you have one baby and you try for a second, 0:01:14.121 --> 0:01:16.360 but it's taking too long. It needs to be spoken 0:01:16.360 --> 0:01:19.881 about more. Oh it's really really tough. I believe this 0:01:20.000 --> 0:01:23.161 is not spoken about enough, because when you have one child, 0:01:23.481 --> 0:01:26.361 if you were to complain or talk about wanting a 0:01:26.360 --> 0:01:28.001 second child and not being able to have one, people like, oh, 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:29.361 you should be so grateful you've got one. 0:01:29.601 --> 0:01:31.161 And I know this because I went through it. So 0:01:31.241 --> 0:01:31.920 with Taje, we. 0:01:31.881 --> 0:01:35.720 Felt pregnant first go, no problems, no issues, super easy, 0:01:35.881 --> 0:01:38.720 and the matala it took eleven months. So I remember 0:01:38.761 --> 0:01:41.640 feeling all of this, and I remember wasn't a super 0:01:41.681 --> 0:01:43.921 close friend, but I do remember someone saying to me like, oh, 0:01:43.961 --> 0:01:45.721 you should just be so grateful that you've got one. 0:01:46.241 --> 0:01:47.961 And then I felt guilt because I was like, well, 0:01:48.001 --> 0:01:50.321 I am grateful, but I still want another one. Both 0:01:50.361 --> 0:01:51.481 can coexist, right. 0:01:51.801 --> 0:01:52.521 I was super. 0:01:52.281 --> 0:01:54.201 Grateful I had Tarj, but I still had this longing 0:01:54.281 --> 0:01:56.160 and this part in my heart. 0:01:56.041 --> 0:01:57.361 That knew I wanted another baby. 0:01:58.001 --> 0:02:00.520 And every month that you get a negative pregnancy test, 0:02:00.561 --> 0:02:03.321 and every month you get your period, it's so disheartening. 0:02:03.361 --> 0:02:05.041 So I don't feel like it is spoken about enough. 0:02:05.641 --> 0:02:08.521 But your question personally, if I could not have any children, 0:02:08.561 --> 0:02:11.361 I would definitely look into adoption or fostering a child. 0:02:11.521 --> 0:02:13.721 One hundred percent I would. I'd always knew I wanted 0:02:13.721 --> 0:02:16.240 to be a mother, and it's just everyone's so different. 0:02:16.240 --> 0:02:17.400 I don't think it's something we can. 0:02:17.281 --> 0:02:18.681 Tell you what is right or wrong. 0:02:18.761 --> 0:02:20.881 If you're feeling that longing for more children and more 0:02:20.921 --> 0:02:23.120 love and a bigger family, there is options you can 0:02:23.161 --> 0:02:25.841 look into. And also have you gone and got your 0:02:25.841 --> 0:02:28.120 eggs tested? Have you got his sperm tests? Like how 0:02:28.201 --> 0:02:31.520 long have you been trying for? Because doctors say, even 0:02:31.561 --> 0:02:34.800 fertility specialists, six to twelve months is considered a normal 0:02:34.841 --> 0:02:37.601 amount of time to fall pregnant. Oh wow, after twelve months, 0:02:37.641 --> 0:02:39.241 if you're not falling pregnant, that's when they can do 0:02:39.281 --> 0:02:42.401 more extensive testing. So I think we get caught up 0:02:42.401 --> 0:02:45.241 thinking it should just happen straight away, but it's actually 0:02:45.281 --> 0:02:47.601 such a small window that you can fall pregnant. So 0:02:47.641 --> 0:02:51.161 like when your ovulation, you've got five days. That's five 0:02:51.281 --> 0:02:53.201 days yeah, for that egg to get in there and 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:55.081 for it to do its thing. And it's just not 0:02:55.121 --> 0:02:57.121 as simple as what they made out in high school. 0:02:57.121 --> 0:02:58.880 You have sex and you get pregnant. It doesn't work 0:02:58.921 --> 0:02:59.201 like that. 0:02:59.321 --> 0:03:01.481 I mean, I've never personally been in this position before, 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:03.041 But the first thing that came to my head was 0:03:03.121 --> 0:03:05.681 potentially looking into like surrogacy as well. 0:03:06.161 --> 0:03:08.641 In Australia, isn't it No oh wow? 0:03:09.401 --> 0:03:11.400 When I last spoke about this with someone, Now it's 0:03:11.441 --> 0:03:13.441 not in America. It's quite easy to do, but not 0:03:13.481 --> 0:03:14.161 here in Australia. 0:03:14.281 --> 0:03:16.201 I guess I hear stories and things like that all 0:03:16.201 --> 0:03:17.001 over from America. 0:03:17.041 --> 0:03:17.800 That's probably why. 0:03:17.881 --> 0:03:20.161 But again I've never looked into it, but I definitely 0:03:20.161 --> 0:03:21.800 think that there are options and as well, like if 0:03:21.841 --> 0:03:23.400 you want to be a parent, it doesn't matter how 0:03:23.401 --> 0:03:25.801 it looks like. You want to be a parent, And 0:03:25.841 --> 0:03:28.081 I don't think that desire is necessarily going to go away. 0:03:28.321 --> 0:03:30.881 And there's no right or wrong way either, Like don't 0:03:30.881 --> 0:03:33.120 attach negative meaning because I know that there's some question 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:36.281 here of like oh, would you foster or would you adopt? 0:03:36.761 --> 0:03:38.961 Like are you seeing that as a negative thing? Like 0:03:39.041 --> 0:03:40.921 what makes that wrong? I think it's a beautiful thing 0:03:40.961 --> 0:03:42.681 if it allows you to become a parent and to 0:03:42.721 --> 0:03:45.121 also give love to a child that also deserves to 0:03:45.161 --> 0:03:48.081 have that loves that is your child regardless, and I 0:03:48.081 --> 0:03:50.401 think that's a beautiful thing. So I think there's nothing 0:03:50.441 --> 0:03:53.361 that we can say that's gonna either encourage you or 0:03:53.561 --> 0:03:55.561 make you shy away from the decision. It has to 0:03:55.561 --> 0:03:58.521 be something that you genuinely want, and also just tapping 0:03:58.521 --> 0:04:00.921 into whether that's even a route you want to go down, 0:04:01.481 --> 0:04:03.481 or if it's something that doesn't feel right for you, 0:04:03.521 --> 0:04:05.081 Like only you will know what that looks like. 0:04:05.201 --> 0:04:07.401 Definitely, maybe I would jump into some forums too of 0:04:07.481 --> 0:04:10.081 women who have maybe gone overseas, because I know a 0:04:10.081 --> 0:04:12.641 gay couple that went overseas to find a surrogate, so 0:04:12.681 --> 0:04:14.801 like there is options for you, And also jump into 0:04:14.801 --> 0:04:17.401 forums that women have adopted or fostered a child and 0:04:17.561 --> 0:04:20.320 either experiences. Here is what was really hard about it, 0:04:20.361 --> 0:04:22.521 what was really challenging, what was really beautiful about it? 0:04:22.561 --> 0:04:24.320 Like what was the process? Because I know, to even 0:04:24.320 --> 0:04:27.281 foster a child or adopt doesn't happen overnight. It's like 0:04:27.361 --> 0:04:29.640 a three to six year process, so you can actually 0:04:29.681 --> 0:04:32.481 have a child on your home. It's quite an extensive process, 0:04:32.481 --> 0:04:32.761 and so. 0:04:32.721 --> 0:04:34.440 It should be. So it should be, so it should 0:04:34.481 --> 0:04:35.921 be so if. 0:04:35.801 --> 0:04:38.640 You're considering that, like I would definitely talk to people 0:04:38.641 --> 0:04:41.561 who have done it, and also your partner and what 0:04:41.601 --> 0:04:44.761 their thoughts are on the situation as well. I came 0:04:44.801 --> 0:04:47.321 to the realization when I had charged to that I 0:04:47.320 --> 0:04:49.041 had to accept that maybe I wasn't going to have 0:04:49.041 --> 0:04:52.361 another baby, and I did try to lean on gratitude more, 0:04:52.521 --> 0:04:54.440 even though I still had this longing for another one. 0:04:54.880 --> 0:04:56.801 I was so grateful and I just tried to lean on 0:04:56.801 --> 0:04:58.921 that more because I did think about the women that 0:04:58.921 --> 0:05:01.760 don't have any children like I have one, healthy, beautiful 0:05:01.841 --> 0:05:03.961 baby boy, and I am so so grateful. 0:05:04.121 --> 0:05:05.521 So I tried to lean on that more to help 0:05:05.561 --> 0:05:06.440 get me through and it did. 0:05:06.721 --> 0:05:08.801 It was still hard, but the more I lean on that, 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:11.361 I felt better about the situation that if I wasn't 0:05:11.361 --> 0:05:13.481 to have another baby, I'm so lucky that I got 0:05:13.481 --> 0:05:14.801 to experience this one. 0:05:15.201 --> 0:05:16.641 It's a beautiful perspective, it is. 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:19.081 Yeah, it's easier than done when you're in the thick 0:05:19.121 --> 0:05:19.841 of it, of course. 0:05:20.161 --> 0:05:20.881 Yeah. Yeah. 0:05:20.921 --> 0:05:23.320 So oh it's a tough one and I feel for 0:05:23.361 --> 0:05:25.281 you and it's not spoken about enough. Bus sending you 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:26.921 so much love and there is lots of options that 0:05:26.961 --> 0:05:28.960 you can explore with you and your partner, and you know, 0:05:29.241 --> 0:05:31.041 all in divine timing too. I remember when I got 0:05:31.041 --> 0:05:33.760 to that eleventh month. I just remember having the biggest breakdown, 0:05:34.481 --> 0:05:35.961 and then when I found out as pregnant. 0:05:36.001 --> 0:05:36.801 Now I have taalah. 0:05:36.841 --> 0:05:38.400 I said this before on the podcast, but if you 0:05:38.401 --> 0:05:40.961 haven't heard it, I'm just like, oh my gosh, thank 0:05:41.001 --> 0:05:43.241 goodness it took eleven months, because if it was six months, 0:05:43.281 --> 0:05:45.520 it wouldn't be her. It would have been a different child, 0:05:45.601 --> 0:05:47.280 and that would have been just as beautiful, I'm sure, 0:05:47.521 --> 0:05:49.760 but I'm so grateful for her, like her personality, which 0:05:49.761 --> 0:05:51.960 she looks like, who she is like, she's just a 0:05:51.961 --> 0:05:53.761 little ball of fun. I just wouldn't want to change 0:05:53.761 --> 0:05:56.721 anything about her. So divine timing. She was meant to 0:05:56.721 --> 0:05:58.241 come along at that time, and I was meant to 0:05:58.241 --> 0:06:00.681 wait for whatever reason, maybe I wasn't quite ready or 0:06:00.721 --> 0:06:03.200 whatever the universe had planned for me. And I really 0:06:03.201 --> 0:06:05.161 try and lean into the divine timing of everything, and 0:06:05.161 --> 0:06:07.200 everything happens at the right time for the right reason. 0:06:07.281 --> 0:06:07.481 Yeah. 0:06:07.521 --> 0:06:07.921 I love that. 0:06:08.121 --> 0:06:10.520 Yeah, I honestly think just like, have lots of conversations 0:06:10.521 --> 0:06:10.921 around it. 0:06:11.081 --> 0:06:13.521 Yeah, bring it in, talk about it, explore it. 0:06:13.601 --> 0:06:15.441 The more curious you get on the situation, the more 0:06:15.481 --> 0:06:17.881 clarity you'll get on what you actually want to do, 0:06:18.201 --> 0:06:20.121 and there is no right or wrong, only what is 0:06:20.241 --> 0:06:22.561 right for you and what you want, and you get 0:06:22.601 --> 0:06:24.841 to decide what that looks like and whatever direction you're 0:06:24.841 --> 0:06:27.001 go in. I know it will be beautiful and how 0:06:27.001 --> 0:06:28.721 fun that you get to explore and that there actually 0:06:28.721 --> 0:06:29.561 are other options. 0:06:29.801 --> 0:06:31.321 Yeah, you so much love. 0:06:31.361 --> 0:06:33.201 Also, I know that that doesn't make it easier for 0:06:33.241 --> 0:06:35.561 the infertility. Yeah, I know that you have your own 0:06:35.601 --> 0:06:38.001 process and your own grieving process around that as well. 0:06:38.401 --> 0:06:40.761 And also it's like one of those things. And again 0:06:40.801 --> 0:06:42.241 I can say this with a grain of salt, take 0:06:42.241 --> 0:06:44.281 it with a grain of salt. Is that you can 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:46.441 grieve your process and there can also be other options 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:48.361 that you look towards, and if that's your way through 0:06:48.440 --> 0:06:50.001 becoming a mum, allow it in. 0:06:50.401 --> 0:06:53.481 Yeah, and don't shame yourself for feeling sad about it 0:06:53.561 --> 0:06:57.161 or disappointed, because that's when I think we suffer in silence. 0:06:57.721 --> 0:06:59.880 Even you said that this wasn't spoken about enough, and 0:06:59.921 --> 0:07:03.200 it's not. And I remember feeling bad talking about it 0:07:03.201 --> 0:07:05.481 because I got a lot of backlash online. You have 0:07:05.521 --> 0:07:07.601 a child, so imagine those it can't have a child. 0:07:08.081 --> 0:07:10.041 We've been trying for three years, like, oh my god, 0:07:10.041 --> 0:07:11.801 I wish I'd been trying for eleven years, and there's 0:07:11.881 --> 0:07:15.161 so much comparison that it made me feel like my 0:07:15.241 --> 0:07:17.841 feelings weren't valid. So I just want you to know 0:07:17.881 --> 0:07:19.881 your feelings are very, very valid. Even if you're just 0:07:19.921 --> 0:07:22.841 six months and then you're feeling frustrated, that's still valid. 0:07:23.241 --> 0:07:25.121 Your experience is your experience. No one can take that 0:07:25.161 --> 0:07:27.241 away from you. That is how you feel, so don't 0:07:27.281 --> 0:07:30.041 shame yourself, talk about it, look at the options, be 0:07:30.121 --> 0:07:32.121 kind to yourself in the process, and enjoy the little 0:07:32.121 --> 0:07:32.321 one that. 0:07:32.281 --> 0:07:33.481 You already have. All of it. 0:07:33.521 --> 0:07:35.561 Good luck, lovely, thanks for joining us. We'll see you 0:07:35.561 --> 0:07:36.361 in the next episode. 0:07:36.441 --> 0:07:37.521 Bye.