WEBVTT - Communication Expert: The 4 Psychological Drivers Behind All Self-Doubt 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:02.840 Doctor Chadai Zarai, Welcome to straight Talk. 0:00:03.000 --> 0:00:03.840 Thank you for having me. 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:06.160 You or I were doing something for Amazon this week, 0:00:06.200 --> 0:00:08.280 and you're a communication expert. 0:00:08.720 --> 0:00:10.880 Yes, And actually what I was speaking about is what 0:00:10.960 --> 0:00:13.880 happens before we communicate, which is whether we trust ourselves 0:00:14.000 --> 0:00:16.720 to communicate or not. So it's really around attention and 0:00:16.760 --> 0:00:20.599 self doubt and self trust, which are the precursors to 0:00:20.640 --> 0:00:23.440 whether we use our voice and how we use our voice. 0:00:23.760 --> 0:00:25.959 And that's my whole area of expertise. And I find 0:00:26.000 --> 0:00:26.880 it fascinating. 0:00:27.640 --> 0:00:30.400 What do you mean if we use our voice and 0:00:30.440 --> 0:00:32.960 how we use our voice? Do you mean are you 0:00:33.000 --> 0:00:39.120 talking about tom tone, language, speed, etc. Or just speaking 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:42.120 as opposed to not speaking. In other words, I decide 0:00:42.159 --> 0:00:46.120 not to speak, I sit back in the room. We 0:00:46.479 --> 0:00:47.800 need all of it. 0:00:48.120 --> 0:00:51.320 Because how we view our voice, whether we feel like 0:00:51.360 --> 0:00:53.800 our voice has value, whether we feel like we have value, 0:00:53.800 --> 0:00:55.880 whether we feel like we belong in the room, deserve 0:00:55.960 --> 0:00:59.680 to be there. That firstly shapes whether we speak or 0:00:59.680 --> 0:01:01.680 whether we hold back and tell ourselves our idea is 0:01:01.760 --> 0:01:04.880 dumb and we have nothing valuable to say. But it 0:01:04.880 --> 0:01:07.800 also shapes if we do choose to speak. It shapes 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:10.680 how we speak the words that we choose, the tone 0:01:10.720 --> 0:01:14.280 that we have, the way that we are conveying the message, 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:18.720 and then that influences how people perceive us. And that's 0:01:18.760 --> 0:01:21.080 why when you strip it all back, you can learn 0:01:21.400 --> 0:01:24.320 the tools and the techniques, But if you don't fundamentally 0:01:24.400 --> 0:01:28.160 believe in yourself and trust that you deserve to be there, 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:31.840 in your values or your message has value, you're not 0:01:31.840 --> 0:01:33.920 going to be able to convey it. And that's why 0:01:33.920 --> 0:01:36.760 when we talk about communication, Yes, there is the part 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:39.880 people see, but then there's everything that's going on inside, 0:01:39.920 --> 0:01:43.000 and we have to get these two right otherwise nothing works. 0:01:43.319 --> 0:01:45.800 Can we fake it? I mean, let's say we don't 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:47.720 feel like we deserve to be there, or we lack 0:01:47.760 --> 0:01:52.440 a bit of confidence, but we we've performed so often 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:56.440 so for so long that we can fake our way 0:01:56.440 --> 0:01:56.840 through it. 0:01:57.440 --> 0:01:59.880 If you trust yourself, okay, to be out of it, 0:02:00.280 --> 0:02:01.840 to be able to fake it, okay. So let me 0:02:01.840 --> 0:02:04.640 ask you this, Mike, what would you say is the opposite. 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:07.280 Of self doubt self confidence? Confidence? 0:02:07.360 --> 0:02:09.040 This is what we find when we ask people on 0:02:09.080 --> 0:02:11.720 the street, when we run our workshops or audiences. Ninety 0:02:11.760 --> 0:02:14.120 five percent of them will say confidence, and they are 0:02:14.160 --> 0:02:17.760 confident in that response when we look at the data, 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:20.920 when we really interrogate what this feeling of confidence is, 0:02:21.720 --> 0:02:25.600 it's a feeling of readiness and certainty. So people think 0:02:25.639 --> 0:02:27.680 then that they must feel ready and certain before they 0:02:27.720 --> 0:02:30.080 do something, because that's what it means to be confident, 0:02:30.080 --> 0:02:32.440 and I have to be confident first. But when we 0:02:32.440 --> 0:02:35.760 strip it away, that feeling of readiness and real confidence 0:02:35.800 --> 0:02:39.280 comes after you've done the thing, not before it. It's 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:42.440 called self efficacy. When you do the thing, your brain 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:45.160 gets evidence that I can do this thing, affirmation, affirmation, 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:48.200 and then you have the proof and that builds your 0:02:48.200 --> 0:02:50.280 self efficacy, which makes you more likely to want to 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:53.120 do it again. That's how you build true, lasting confidence. 0:02:53.560 --> 0:02:57.000 But if confidence comes after, something else needs to come first, 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:02.400 and it's actually self trust. It's trusting that you have 0:03:02.480 --> 0:03:05.880 the worthiness, the capability, you can handle what comes your way, 0:03:06.040 --> 0:03:08.000 you can manage the emotions that are going to come 0:03:08.040 --> 0:03:11.160 with it. And it's also acknowledging that there's a lot 0:03:11.160 --> 0:03:13.000 of uncertainty. We don't know how things will go, we 0:03:13.040 --> 0:03:15.400 don't know how we'll be perceived or how the message 0:03:15.400 --> 0:03:18.720 will land. But if you trust yourself first, you will 0:03:18.720 --> 0:03:21.240 do the thing. You will speak up, you will fake 0:03:21.280 --> 0:03:24.040 your way into it, which then gives you the proof point, 0:03:24.080 --> 0:03:24.720 Hey I. 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:27.360 Did it, so it's insertain you. So the proof point 0:03:27.400 --> 0:03:29.200 is happening as you're speaking. 0:03:28.960 --> 0:03:32.360 Exactly exactly, So as you're speaking, that's your proof point. 0:03:32.360 --> 0:03:35.240 That's your brain's evidence of, hey, I felt uncertain, I 0:03:35.320 --> 0:03:38.640 did it. Anyway, I can do it again. And then 0:03:38.680 --> 0:03:41.400 that becomes this self perpetuating repeating cycle. 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:44.800 What about feedback loops in terms of people's responses. So 0:03:45.320 --> 0:03:47.600 let's say I'm in a room with ten of you, 0:03:49.760 --> 0:03:55.320 and if and I'm feeling like a little a little 0:03:55.320 --> 0:03:57.880 behind the april, I'm not sure if I'm equivalent to you, 0:03:58.320 --> 0:04:02.320 all of you, and then something comes up and is 0:04:02.680 --> 0:04:08.160 my time to respond or interact and do am? I sure? 0:04:08.200 --> 0:04:10.200 I'd be looking around the room, seeing what people are 0:04:10.240 --> 0:04:11.800 thinking about what I'm saying, or should not give a 0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:13.560 stuff about it, and maybe look past them. 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:16.720 It depends where you are on your self trust journey. 0:04:16.800 --> 0:04:19.520 If you're struggling with self trust, it means that you're 0:04:19.560 --> 0:04:22.960 going to be outsourcing your worth, so how people respond 0:04:23.000 --> 0:04:26.800 to you. If you struggle with self trust, you outsource 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:31.440 your worth, So your value is determined by how people respond, 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:34.120 which also makes you a people pleaser. It makes you 0:04:34.160 --> 0:04:35.840 more likely to say yes when you really want to 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:38.800 say no. And so what you'll be doing is gauging 0:04:39.000 --> 0:04:42.560 how you're going based on whether other people are responding well. 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:45.440 And then if someone looks at their phone or someone 0:04:45.440 --> 0:04:48.279 looks like they're not interested, you will internalize that. Take 0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:51.120 that personally, and it'll throw you off your game. So, 0:04:51.680 --> 0:04:53.720 if you know that you're struggling with self trust, look 0:04:53.760 --> 0:04:56.599 past the people, look at their eyebrows, look somewhere else. 0:04:58.040 --> 0:04:59.640 That at least gives you the proof point of hey, 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:01.960 I can this. I'm getting the evidence. I'm building my 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:05.880 self efficacy, I'm building the confidence as you go on 0:05:05.920 --> 0:05:11.160 that journey and you become more confident. Then the highest 0:05:12.080 --> 0:05:16.880 performing communicators, those with the greatest skill, they're constantly reading 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:20.000 their audience. They know that if they go in there 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:21.839 and they're trying a message and they see, you know what, 0:05:21.920 --> 0:05:24.719 this is not landing. They pivot there and then they 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:27.720 ask a question, they take a break, they tell someone, 0:05:27.760 --> 0:05:29.839 they make a joke that you know, when we look 0:05:29.839 --> 0:05:35.000 at communicators on stages, keynote speakers, the most charismatic people 0:05:35.360 --> 0:05:37.680 they're in conversation with their audience, even if they're the 0:05:37.680 --> 0:05:40.320 only one speaking, and it's because they have built so 0:05:40.440 --> 0:05:43.200 much self trust, which has earned confidence as well, because 0:05:43.200 --> 0:05:45.240 they've done it so many times where they can have 0:05:45.320 --> 0:05:46.159 that back and forth. 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:48.240 Is there an arrogance in self trust? 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:52.040 There is a risk arrogance, There is a risk. So, okay, 0:05:52.279 --> 0:05:55.080 can we let's deep dive into self trust because this 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:57.720 is the essence of my work, my research. Have just 0:05:57.760 --> 0:06:00.240 finished a pH d in this area. Self trust sounds 0:06:00.279 --> 0:06:03.039 very fluffy. We know it's the opposite of self doubt. 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:07.800 But when we drill down, there are four drivers of 0:06:07.800 --> 0:06:11.039 self trust, which means there are four drivers that give 0:06:11.120 --> 0:06:14.159 you a kind of protection against self doubt. The first 0:06:14.160 --> 0:06:19.280 one is self acceptance. Do you fundamentally accept yourself? If 0:06:19.320 --> 0:06:20.840 you do, then you feel like you're enough? 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:25.640 Do I say, am I being truthful? Am I being honest? 0:06:26.160 --> 0:06:29.039 To have I done the work in relation to the 0:06:29.080 --> 0:06:32.280 subject matter topic? But what are the variables? 0:06:32.680 --> 0:06:36.080 The specifics here? There are four weight well, so let's 0:06:36.080 --> 0:06:37.680 look at how it shows up when you don't have it, 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:40.359 because that'll help us understand what it really means. The 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:43.320 first one is the pressure to prove. You don't feel 0:06:43.320 --> 0:06:45.080 like you're enough, so you feel like you have to 0:06:45.120 --> 0:06:49.159 prove yourself through achievement, through setting a goal and reaching 0:06:49.200 --> 0:06:52.880 the goal, and through being better than everyone else, and 0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:55.520 you get there. A lot of people do get there, 0:06:55.520 --> 0:06:57.520 but then they don't feel the satisfaction that's supposed to 0:06:57.560 --> 0:06:58.960 come with it, so then they set the next goal 0:06:59.000 --> 0:07:01.800 and the next goal. A lot of highly driven entrepreneurs 0:07:01.839 --> 0:07:02.920 find themselves in this space. 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:05.599 They from imposter syndrome completely completely. 0:07:05.760 --> 0:07:08.560 So that's our first pillar there. The second way this 0:07:08.600 --> 0:07:13.240 shows up is the likability trap because you don't likability trap, yes, 0:07:13.440 --> 0:07:16.640 the likability trap, because you don't feel like you're enough. 0:07:17.680 --> 0:07:20.080 You want other people to like you because if they 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:23.360 like you, then you can like yourself. So this is 0:07:23.360 --> 0:07:28.239 that people please be territory. You're going above and beyond 0:07:28.280 --> 0:07:31.920 for everybody because then again, if they validate you, you 0:07:31.960 --> 0:07:34.280 feel a little better about yourself. But you end up 0:07:34.280 --> 0:07:37.480 sacrificing what you want to need. You end up exhausted 0:07:38.000 --> 0:07:40.440 and you're not really addressing the real root of that. 0:07:40.560 --> 0:07:42.520 You're un efficient too, yes, completely. 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:46.760 Third is the shrinking syndrome. Shrinking syndrome, So this is 0:07:46.760 --> 0:07:51.080 where you have someone who struggles with the self acceptance 0:07:51.080 --> 0:07:54.640 piece to such an extent that if an amazing opportunity 0:07:54.680 --> 0:07:58.160 comes their way, they make an excuse, I'm not ready, 0:07:58.320 --> 0:08:00.920 it's not the right time, because they're worried that if 0:08:00.920 --> 0:08:04.240 they say yes and it doesn't work out or they fail, 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:06.200 then they will take that personally and they'll see it 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:09.400 as evidence that I am a failure. It will confirm 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:11.520 the deep belief that I already have that I'm not enough, 0:08:12.200 --> 0:08:14.800 So they make excuses. And then the fourth one is 0:08:14.840 --> 0:08:17.720 really interesting. It's called the Chaudon Floyda cycle. It's a 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:23.440 German term, and this is where you find pleasure in 0:08:23.560 --> 0:08:28.480 other people's failures. So you enjoy hearing stories of how 0:08:28.520 --> 0:08:30.480 other people have messed up because it makes you feel 0:08:30.520 --> 0:08:33.560 a little bit better about yourself. Because if you don't 0:08:33.600 --> 0:08:36.560 accept yourself, you want to see others fail too. So 0:08:36.640 --> 0:08:39.160 this is what drives a lot of bullying behavior. It's 0:08:39.200 --> 0:08:41.920 what drives a lot of click baity headlines. A lot 0:08:41.960 --> 0:08:45.120 of people who consume clickbaity headlines struggle with self acceptance. 0:08:45.360 --> 0:08:48.000 It's a way of distracting themselves from what's going on 0:08:48.160 --> 0:08:51.200 for them. So you can see how if you have 0:08:51.280 --> 0:08:53.680 any of these things. If you don't feel like you're enough, 0:08:54.240 --> 0:08:57.680 you're going to doubt whether your voice is worth listening to, 0:08:58.559 --> 0:09:02.200 whether you have anything valuable to share. It's even going 0:09:02.240 --> 0:09:04.280 to affect how you share what you want to share. 0:09:04.800 --> 0:09:07.679 You might hesitate, you might use a lot of softeners, 0:09:07.920 --> 0:09:10.360 like this might be a dumb idea. I heard them, 0:09:10.440 --> 0:09:13.920 I haven't really thought this through. You're discounting yourself before 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:14.640 you've said anything. 0:09:14.760 --> 0:09:16.520 Weople say that, and I've heard people say. 0:09:16.880 --> 0:09:19.320 And a lot of the time when it's repeated and chronic, 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:22.000 it's because of a lack of self acceptance. We hear 0:09:22.000 --> 0:09:23.640 a lot of just oh, I just want to check in, 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:28.720 just asking, just want to see not helpful at all. 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:31.720 So we see a lot of these common patterns when 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:33.400 it comes to a lack of acceptance. That's the first 0:09:33.480 --> 0:09:37.000 driver of self doubt, a lack of acceptance. The second 0:09:37.040 --> 0:09:41.079 one is what we call agency, which is really simple. 0:09:41.120 --> 0:09:43.640 It's just can I do this thing? Do I believe 0:09:43.679 --> 0:09:46.600 that I have the skills, the resources, the talent to learn. 0:09:47.320 --> 0:09:51.120 Can I do it? So the psychology term is self efficacy, 0:09:51.640 --> 0:09:54.360 that internal belief that yes, I've got this or I'll 0:09:54.360 --> 0:09:56.960 figure it out, even if I don't have the skills, now, 0:09:57.120 --> 0:10:00.319 I'll figure it out. That's our second one. This is 0:10:00.320 --> 0:10:04.200 where imposter syndrome comes in, feeling like you're not deserving 0:10:04.280 --> 0:10:06.480 to be where you are. So you've achieved some things 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:09.760 in the past, and yet you feel like you really 0:10:09.760 --> 0:10:13.560 don't deserve the success you've had, and you're worried that 0:10:13.640 --> 0:10:17.480 at any point someone will discover that you don't belong 0:10:17.760 --> 0:10:20.480 there and you'll be found out as the fraud that 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:24.280 you are. So you either overcompensate and do everything for 0:10:24.360 --> 0:10:26.240 everybody and take on more and feel like you must 0:10:26.320 --> 0:10:30.320 keep pushing, or you just don't even try, because if 0:10:30.360 --> 0:10:32.720 you don't try, you can't fail. People can't discover that 0:10:32.760 --> 0:10:35.040 you don't deserve to be there. We also see a 0:10:35.040 --> 0:10:40.360 lot of comparison, constantly comparing yourself to everyone who's ahead 0:10:40.360 --> 0:10:43.200 of you, and then again finding excuses as to why 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:46.200 you'll never be as good as them, you'll never be 0:10:46.280 --> 0:10:49.360 as successful as them. Everyone is further ahead. I can't 0:10:49.360 --> 0:10:52.600 do it. And there's another one here. It's the I'm 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:55.520 going to wait until I'm ready, excuse I'm already yet, 0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:59.080 I'm not ready yet. Oh it's the worst, and it 0:10:59.200 --> 0:11:03.520 destroys people's chances of success and their chances of getting 0:11:03.559 --> 0:11:07.080 better because you're making up an excuse of oh no, 0:11:07.360 --> 0:11:10.000 I will know when I feel ready. And so you 0:11:10.080 --> 0:11:12.520 keep doing the research and the preparation and you keep 0:11:12.559 --> 0:11:16.240 talking to people and you never jump. And I love, actually, Mark, 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:17.839 I love the way that you talk about a lot 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:21.560 of the areas of self doubt and self trust because 0:11:21.600 --> 0:11:24.680 it's so pragmatic. It's so pragmatic, and you've very much 0:11:24.679 --> 0:11:28.320 lived your life believing that Okay, yeah, you might have 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:31.439 self doubt, but just do the thing anyway, validate yourself, 0:11:31.640 --> 0:11:34.200 don't wait for other people, just try because that is 0:11:34.200 --> 0:11:36.920 how you learn. And you will never succeed unless you try. 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:40.240 And so this is much, very much part of your message, 0:11:40.280 --> 0:11:43.000 which is brilliant because it aligns so beautifully with what 0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:46.000 the research is telling us. So they're our first two 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:49.480 drivers of self doubt, right, lack of acceptance lack of agency. 0:11:50.120 --> 0:11:51.520 The third one is really interesting. 0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:57.240 So Mark, and anyone, of course, the agency, do you 0:11:57.320 --> 0:12:01.960 have to purposely give yourself the agency. You have to 0:12:01.960 --> 0:12:03.960 say I'm going to give myself the agency on this 0:12:05.120 --> 0:12:10.040 and just on lack of acceptance self acceptance, do you 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:13.760 have to. I mean, these are issues, problems, but I 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:18.800 presume the solutions are Mark except who you are, maybe 0:12:18.800 --> 0:12:22.240 even write it out, except who you are says self acceptances. 0:12:22.320 --> 0:12:25.000 That's the deal, and Mark You've got to take agency. 0:12:25.400 --> 0:12:28.000 You've got to control it yourself. Is that what you 0:12:28.040 --> 0:12:29.240 would say to those first two? 0:12:30.360 --> 0:12:30.640 Yes? 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:32.040 Is that the way around it? Yeah? 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:33.920 I mean at a high level, absolutely, you know, like 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:36.000 except who you are, give yourself the agency. But then 0:12:36.040 --> 0:12:37.920 the question is what does that even mean? What does 0:12:37.920 --> 0:12:40.400 that mean? Like that, it's complicated, it's complicated, and of 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:42.000 course that's why we wrote the book to go into 0:12:42.080 --> 0:12:44.080 much more detail with all of the different tools. 0:12:44.160 --> 0:12:46.360 That's a big trust, big trust. 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:48.520 So it's the ultimate state of self trust. You don't 0:12:48.559 --> 0:12:50.920 need to eliminate the doubt, you don't need to feel ready. 0:12:51.280 --> 0:12:54.240 You just build big trust with these four attributes and 0:12:54.240 --> 0:12:55.360 it allows you to move forward. 0:12:55.360 --> 0:12:56.760 So let's get what's a third one? 0:12:56.840 --> 0:13:01.040 Well, let me give you something. We're doing it all right. 0:13:01.120 --> 0:13:03.480 So if you've noticed that you do struggle with self acceptance, 0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:07.480 which is very common with anyone starting anything new, very common. Okay, 0:13:07.520 --> 0:13:09.920 so this one shows up a lot with people who 0:13:10.000 --> 0:13:13.600 are succeeding, because what happens is every time you succeed, 0:13:14.320 --> 0:13:18.560 your circle changes. And what I mean by that is. 0:13:18.520 --> 0:13:19.680 Of people of people. 0:13:19.760 --> 0:13:22.640 Your circle of people and the people you associate with changes. 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:26.400 So you've achieved an amazing business success, suddenly you're now 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:29.520 rubbing shoulders with other people at that level. You are 0:13:29.520 --> 0:13:33.080 now the least experienced person in that room. It's very 0:13:33.120 --> 0:13:35.600 easy to start to think, I don't deserve to be here. 0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:37.120 I don't know as much of these people, and you 0:13:37.120 --> 0:13:40.240 feel uncomfortable. And then again the next success comes and 0:13:40.280 --> 0:13:42.199 it just keeps coming and coming, and so we find 0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:45.600 this doesn't really ever go away. You just have to 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:47.720 learn to get better at dealing with the feelings. 0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:52.120 So when you say feelings, how important is measurement in 0:13:52.120 --> 0:13:55.000 that category? So you know, because I've heard people say 0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:57.360 this who run startups suit and they do well here 0:13:57.360 --> 0:13:59.280 and strain they go to San Francisco and they say, 0:14:00.000 --> 0:14:01.839 oh my god, I just don't feel like I've done 0:14:01.880 --> 0:14:03.880 anything compared to the people I'm sitting here, because you know, 0:14:03.920 --> 0:14:06.240 I made ten million in Australia, but they made one 0:14:06.320 --> 0:14:09.920 hundred million Australian, they're only twenty five whatever. That type 0:14:09.920 --> 0:14:13.680 of stuff is measurement? Is it dangerous? Measurement? 0:14:14.679 --> 0:14:20.960 Measurement is helpful objectively from a business perspective, completely unhelpful 0:14:21.200 --> 0:14:24.360 from an individual perspective. How you feel about yourself right, 0:14:24.440 --> 0:14:29.680 Because if your sense of value as a person is 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:33.040 entirely dependent on measurement, it means that the moment you 0:14:33.360 --> 0:14:36.360 keep finding someone doing better than which it's inevitable, you're 0:14:36.400 --> 0:14:38.960 going to keep feeling worse about yourself. So you need 0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:41.240 to find a way to anchor your self acceptance to 0:14:41.320 --> 0:14:44.760 something unrelated to your business success and unrelated to measurement, 0:14:44.960 --> 0:14:49.160 unrelated to measurement. Measurement is needed for business growth, not 0:14:49.400 --> 0:14:50.520 for our own worth. 0:14:50.800 --> 0:14:53.200 A lot of those people I know, they talk about 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:56.280 how much is he worth? Oh yeah, yeah yeah. And 0:14:56.400 --> 0:14:58.120 media does that too. I mean, the media has that 0:14:58.160 --> 0:15:00.280 stuff all the time because the media is in in 0:15:00.360 --> 0:15:05.440 numbers and sort of yeah, numbers, that's sort of contrue. 0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:07.600 I think they can contribute to people's sense of self 0:15:07.600 --> 0:15:08.360 worth completely. 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:10.080 I think we need to print on mugs and t 0:15:10.200 --> 0:15:12.960 shirts that your self worth is not your net worth, 0:15:13.320 --> 0:15:15.200 and your net worth is not your self worth. 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:16.840 That's a good point. That's a very good point. I 0:15:16.840 --> 0:15:18.120 wish people would put that t shirts. 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:23.240 I completely agree. He changed, you know, screen phone. 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:23.560 On your mirror when you get up them. 0:15:23.720 --> 0:15:28.560 Yeah, everywhere. It's okay to have net worth as something 0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:31.360 that you're aspiring towards, something you're building towards. It should 0:15:31.400 --> 0:15:33.240 not have a bearing on how you feel about yourself. 0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:37.560 That doesn't mean you lose your drive and your passion 0:15:37.800 --> 0:15:40.000 to excel and be the best at what you want 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:42.880 to do, but it just doesn't have a bearing on 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:44.280 you as a human as so. 0:15:46.080 --> 0:15:49.240 But if so, if I'm trying to work out my 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:59.360 self worth, and if I immediately discount net worth, which is fine. 0:15:58.080 --> 0:15:58.720 What's left? 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:02.240 What am I looking at? Things that are that I'm 0:16:02.280 --> 0:16:06.200 doing or thinking about that are worthy of humankind? I mean, 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:08.360 is that what I'm thinking of? Is it? Like? Is 0:16:08.400 --> 0:16:11.520 my do I am I thinking about my social enterprise 0:16:11.840 --> 0:16:14.200 relative to say, my business? If I'm out there pitching 0:16:14.200 --> 0:16:17.120 my business to people, or if I'm sitting in a boardroom, 0:16:17.160 --> 0:16:18.720 or if I'm sitting in a management meeting, or I'm 0:16:18.720 --> 0:16:21.560 sitting with my one staff member or whoever it is. 0:16:21.960 --> 0:16:25.440 If I don't want to think that way, what do 0:16:25.480 --> 0:16:28.120 I think about to sort of help me with my self? 0:16:28.160 --> 0:16:29.000 Worth calculation. 0:16:29.400 --> 0:16:30.920 One way to think about it when we look at 0:16:30.920 --> 0:16:35.240 the literature is the impact in the various areas of 0:16:35.280 --> 0:16:38.880 your life. Which could be being the best father you 0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:41.000 can be. It could be being the best friend you 0:16:41.040 --> 0:16:43.080 can be, the best neighbor you can be. It could 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:46.000 be being the best parent or sorry, best you know 0:16:46.120 --> 0:16:49.240 son or daughter for your parents. It's going to look 0:16:49.240 --> 0:16:51.080 different for everybody. It might be having an impact in 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:54.840 the environment. There's something called self forgetting in the literature. 0:16:55.440 --> 0:16:57.160 What happens when we have a lot of self doubt 0:16:57.520 --> 0:16:59.680 is that we've become very internal looking. 0:16:59.720 --> 0:16:59.960 Okay. 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:04.040 Think about the brain as being like a giant flashlight okay, 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:05.919 or a torch. Let's keep it simple. It's a torch, 0:17:06.440 --> 0:17:11.159 and attention is where that torch is pointing. When you 0:17:11.200 --> 0:17:14.920 struggle with self doubt, that torch is pointing inwards. I'm 0:17:14.960 --> 0:17:16.800 not enough, I can't do this. They're ahead of me. 0:17:16.840 --> 0:17:20.960 I don't belong. When attention is pointing inwards, we are 0:17:21.040 --> 0:17:23.159 less able to actually focus on the world around us, 0:17:23.160 --> 0:17:24.080 the people around us. 0:17:24.920 --> 0:17:25.720 Perspective is gone. 0:17:26.000 --> 0:17:29.240 Perspective is gone. We have the choice to shift that 0:17:29.440 --> 0:17:34.320 flashlight outwards, that torch outwards onto the people around us, 0:17:34.400 --> 0:17:38.320 the environment, the community. And when we do that consciously 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:41.440 shifting our attention. So instead of how am I coming across, 0:17:41.480 --> 0:17:44.120 it's how can I add value to this person? How 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:47.040 can I make this barista smile? How can I do something. 0:17:46.800 --> 0:17:49.440 That's barista. 0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:56.159 Bistersta, not that one, make the b guy making my coffee. 0:17:56.400 --> 0:17:57.960 Little things that we can do. It just gets you 0:17:57.960 --> 0:17:59.880 out of your own head. And what's beautiful is when 0:17:59.880 --> 0:18:01.400 we look at a lot of the research, it has 0:18:01.440 --> 0:18:04.800 this shrinking effect on our ego. It has this shrinking 0:18:04.800 --> 0:18:07.280 effect where we start thinking less about us and more 0:18:07.320 --> 0:18:10.560 about other people. One really valuable tool that you can 0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:14.439 use is role identification. What does that mean when you 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:16.440 struggle with acceptance and have a lot of self doubt. 0:18:16.560 --> 0:18:19.080 You identify with your job, that is what you do. 0:18:19.160 --> 0:18:22.840 You identify with your business, with your net worth. 0:18:23.119 --> 0:18:25.720 For example, I'm the mortgage guy. Yeah if I say that. 0:18:26.040 --> 0:18:29.679 If I say that, or I'm worth layah. You know, like, 0:18:30.000 --> 0:18:31.880 which is the danger of all these you know, these 0:18:33.680 --> 0:18:36.600 publications that publish you know, the riches people, top ten, 0:18:36.640 --> 0:18:38.920 top fivepop whatever, I mean, I just think they're just 0:18:38.960 --> 0:18:40.800 such a nonsense. Yeah. So, by the way, so do 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:44.080 most of the people in there. How do we sort 0:18:44.119 --> 0:18:46.960 of turn that volume up? And when that volume goes up, 0:18:47.000 --> 0:18:49.959 what goes down in our own head? How do we 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:52.680 manage that process in terms of the self worth bit 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:56.600 and best is actually best or the best I can be? Yeah, 0:18:56.760 --> 0:18:57.320 nicely said? 0:18:57.320 --> 0:18:59.440 Okay, two elements I want to share here. The first 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:02.160 one is something that I've seen shared and circulated around 0:19:02.200 --> 0:19:03.439 a lot, and I love it. It said, you know, 0:19:04.240 --> 0:19:06.359 if there's one day and you only had forty percent 0:19:06.440 --> 0:19:09.560 to give, and you gave forty percent, then that was 0:19:09.600 --> 0:19:11.720 your one hundred percent that day, that's it, and I 0:19:11.760 --> 0:19:13.879 love it. We only have you know, we are a 0:19:13.920 --> 0:19:16.560 finite capacity. We cannot push all the time. Our brain 0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:19.280 has a finite capacity, our body has a finite capacity. 0:19:19.480 --> 0:19:22.040 You give what you can. The second piece, though, is 0:19:22.080 --> 0:19:25.080 also to ask yourself at the end of every day, Okay, 0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:27.520 what worked? What was good? What am I happy with? 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:29.720 And what am I going to try and do better tomorrow? 0:19:29.720 --> 0:19:31.680 I mean, like bank the winds, Bank. 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:34.480 The winds, from a personal perspective, what worked? And even 0:19:34.480 --> 0:19:36.239 if you have no wins, that's okay? Okay, Well, how 0:19:36.240 --> 0:19:37.560 am I going to be better tomorrow? 0:19:37.600 --> 0:19:39.359 I don't believe it's always a win. Some response. 0:19:39.440 --> 0:19:41.960 I agree. I completely agree. I woke up this morning. Yeah, 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:44.760 I'm not dead, I'm healthy, my family's healthy. It's always 0:19:44.760 --> 0:19:46.600 a win. And that trains again this idea of the 0:19:46.600 --> 0:19:50.440