1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:09,080
Speaker 1: Hey everyone, it's Cali here for this week's Mojo Monday.

2
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,960
Speaker 1: So I'm going to talk today about the difference between

3
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:18,640
Speaker 1: positive thinking and realistic optimism. So I'm not a huge

4
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:24,400
Speaker 1: fan of positive thinking or affirmations kind of in everyday life. Look,

5
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:27,760
Speaker 1: if they're helpful to you, that's great, but I don't

6
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:31,960
Speaker 1: find them helpful for or useful. But that said, they

7
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,040
Speaker 1: do have their place. So when it comes to performance

8
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:39,919
Speaker 1: like competitive sport or public speaking, or any situation where you.

9
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,240
Speaker 2: Kind of need.

10
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:47,120
Speaker 1: A short term kind of switch, mindset switch, positive thinking

11
00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:50,159
Speaker 1: can be really useful. So it kind of flips that

12
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,920
Speaker 1: mental switch and helps you step.

13
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,080
Speaker 2: Up in that moment.

14
00:00:55,880 --> 00:01:01,560
Speaker 1: But outside of those narrow windows, positive thinking does fall short.

15
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:05,039
Speaker 1: And this is what the research tells us. So positive

16
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:09,240
Speaker 1: thinking is like everything will be fine, just stay positive,

17
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:12,080
Speaker 1: don't think that way, don't think about worst case scenario,

18
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:18,280
Speaker 1: whereas realistic optimism says something very different. It's let's be

19
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:23,119
Speaker 1: honest about how hard this is and then decide how

20
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:29,360
Speaker 1: we move forward. So one asks us to really bypass reality,

21
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,280
Speaker 1: the other asks us.

22
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:34,080
Speaker 2: To face it and then act.

23
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:38,680
Speaker 1: And this idea is captured beautifully in what's known as

24
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:42,760
Speaker 1: the Stockdale Paradox, which is named after Jim Stockdale. And

25
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:46,680
Speaker 1: if you have seen Paul's any of Paul's talks, you

26
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,280
Speaker 1: will you'll be very familiar with this because he talks

27
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:54,360
Speaker 1: about Jim Stockdale a lot. So Stockdale was a US

28
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,440
Speaker 1: Navy admiral who was shot down during the Vietnam War

29
00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:00,360
Speaker 1: and held He was held as a prisoner of for

30
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:03,840
Speaker 1: over seven years in what's called which was kind of

31
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:09,400
Speaker 1: a nickname for this prison, the Hanoi Hilton. And when

32
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:12,639
Speaker 1: he was later asked, so he survived, obviously and got

33
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,960
Speaker 1: out that when he was later asked who didn't make

34
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:21,240
Speaker 1: it out, his answer was really interesting because he said

35
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,640
Speaker 1: it was those who were often the pure optimists, so

36
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:30,960
Speaker 1: pure optimists, not realistic optimists, the ones who told themselves, oh,

37
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,000
Speaker 1: we'll be out by Christmas, and then Christmas came and went,

38
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,840
Speaker 1: or we will be out by Easter, and then there

39
00:02:36,919 --> 00:02:43,040
Speaker 1: was another Christmas, and each unnet expectation expectation just chipped

40
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:48,480
Speaker 1: away at their hope. So Stockdale survived by holding onto

41
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:53,440
Speaker 1: two ideas at the same time, he accepted the brutal

42
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:57,560
Speaker 1: reality of his situation, so there was no sugarcoating it,

43
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:02,160
Speaker 1: and he never lost faith that he would ultimately prevail.

44
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:08,400
Speaker 1: So this wasn't blind positivity. It was realistic optimism. And

45
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:12,120
Speaker 1: it's not just a war story because this can play

46
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:16,600
Speaker 1: out in everyday life. So I saw this very clearly

47
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,800
Speaker 1: when my son was diagnosed with Cushing's disease three years ago.

48
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,360
Speaker 1: When this happened, there was no space for pretending that

49
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,800
Speaker 1: it wasn't serious. There was no comfort in saying it'll

50
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:33,200
Speaker 1: probably all be fine. We were really forced into realistic optimism.

51
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,360
Speaker 1: So we had to face the reality of what was

52
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:40,240
Speaker 1: you know, the diagnosis, the uncertainty, the long road ahead,

53
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:46,760
Speaker 1: and then ask the grounded kind of question, given this reality,

54
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,320
Speaker 1: what's the next right action? And this was really a

55
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:54,160
Speaker 1: daily thing. We took one step at a time. And

56
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:57,600
Speaker 1: what I've learnt since then in and I think my

57
00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:00,320
Speaker 1: son has learnt this as well, is we don't need

58
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:04,040
Speaker 1: a crisis to use this approach. We can use it

59
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,040
Speaker 1: every time things don't go our way, like even the

60
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,880
Speaker 1: small stuff that really gets to us. You know, a

61
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:16,920
Speaker 1: setback at work or a relationship issue, a health issue,

62
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,400
Speaker 1: even if it's just that you've got the flu and

63
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:22,400
Speaker 1: you're missing out on something, or you know, a plan

64
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:28,239
Speaker 1: that falls apart. So often our daily suffering comes from

65
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:32,320
Speaker 1: that gap between what reality is and how we want

66
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:35,840
Speaker 1: things to be. So, you know, our mind comes up

67
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,960
Speaker 1: with this shouldn't be happening. You know, I should be

68
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,440
Speaker 1: further along. That person shouldn't be treating me like this.

69
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,200
Speaker 1: They should be different, and that gap. In that gap

70
00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:48,520
Speaker 1: is a lot of frustration that can be hurt, There

71
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:53,080
Speaker 1: can be anxiety, a whole host of emotions that recognizing

72
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,680
Speaker 1: it is actually a starting point because once we name

73
00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,320
Speaker 1: reality for what it is, this is hard, this is

74
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:03,760
Speaker 1: not what I wanted. I actually don't like this, then

75
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,159
Speaker 1: we can stop fighting it. That doesn't mean that it's

76
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,839
Speaker 1: the pain's not there. It's not like we stop fighting

77
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,039
Speaker 1: it and suddenly we feel better. That's not what this

78
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,080
Speaker 1: is about. But we can stop the struggle. And when

79
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,120
Speaker 1: we stop.

80
00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:17,279
Speaker 2: Fighting reality, what does that do.

81
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:22,360
Speaker 1: It frees up our energy, So it gives us space

82
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:27,760
Speaker 1: and energy for hope, for choice, and definitely for action.

83
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:32,080
Speaker 1: And there's research that backs this up. So studies on

84
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:38,520
Speaker 1: optimism show that unrealistic or forced positivity can actually increase distress.

85
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,840
Speaker 1: This this has happened to me in the past, and

86
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:46,920
Speaker 1: especially when outcomes don't match the expectation, and it's associated

87
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:51,000
Speaker 1: with avoidance and poorer coping in the face of real

88
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:56,560
Speaker 1: challenges when things get hard. And in contrast, realistic optimism,

89
00:05:56,880 --> 00:06:01,640
Speaker 1: sometimes called flexible or grounded optimism, is linked with better

90
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:07,840
Speaker 1: problem solving, persistence, and psychological well being, and it allows

91
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:14,040
Speaker 1: people to acknowledge difficulty while still believing that their actions

92
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:18,240
Speaker 1: matter and their actions will make a difference. And I

93
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:23,279
Speaker 1: guess hope in this sense isn't a feeling. Hope is

94
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:29,440
Speaker 1: actually a practice. So this week, if something isn't going

95
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:36,040
Speaker 1: your way, even if it's really small, try this name reality, honestly,

96
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,760
Speaker 1: So maybe just put the emotions aside, kind of put

97
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,560
Speaker 1: it on the table next to you for a moment,

98
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:43,359
Speaker 1: and name reality.

99
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,839
Speaker 2: And there's no softening of it, there's no drama, it's

100
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,200
Speaker 2: just what is. It is what it is.

101
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,640
Speaker 1: And then acknowledge that gap between what is and what

102
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:58,559
Speaker 1: you actually wish it was. And then once you've recognized that, ask,

103
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:02,120
Speaker 1: given this reality, what can I do next? What can

104
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,719
Speaker 1: I do to close that gap? Because this really comes

105
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:09,800
Speaker 1: down to the fact that not everything is in your control.

106
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,880
Speaker 1: There's so much that happens to us that is not

107
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:17,280
Speaker 1: in our control, big and small, but something usually is,

108
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:22,920
Speaker 1: and that is realistic optimism, and I think it is

109
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:29,800
Speaker 1: far more powerful than just staying positive. So have a

110
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:34,960
Speaker 1: realistic and optimistic week everyone, and I will catch you

111
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:35,520
Speaker 1: next week.

112
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:45,040
Speaker 2: Thea