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Speaker 1: Apologie production.

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Speaker 2: An easier advice.

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Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't be too much?

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Speaker 1: Bring it in.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to our bestie segment, My gold, my girl, this

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Speaker 2: is the place for you.

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Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful ladies, Good morning, afternoon, evening, wherever you are.

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Speaker 1: We are back with another besty episode, Tiana, What have

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Speaker 1: you got for us today?

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Speaker 2: Oh? When loyalty hurts? We love the friendship stuff that

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Speaker 2: comes in here. By the way, it's mostly friendship. Hey,

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Speaker 2: it really is friendship stuff hurts?

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Speaker 1: Does?

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Speaker 2: All right, let's do it? Hello, I would like some advice.

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Speaker 2: That's what we're here for. I have a friend who

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Speaker 2: I've known for nearly ten years. I love it a bit.

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Speaker 2: Since she's a type of girl I can let my

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Speaker 2: inner bitch come out with no judgment. We love that

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Speaker 2: she's had some healthy issues in the past that require medication.

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Speaker 2: She has therapy to work through childhood trauma. She's currently

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Speaker 2: going through an anxiety phase at the moment. It's happened

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Speaker 2: before over where she silenced everybody out of her life

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Speaker 2: other than her parents as she kept having seizures and

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Speaker 2: she just needed to be selfish and focus on herself.

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Speaker 2: I was there for her, checking in with parents, sending

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Speaker 2: her flowers, and the odd message that just had no

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Speaker 2: expectation on her to reply at all, just to let

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Speaker 2: her know that I'm there. That lasted well over a year.

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Speaker 2: She came out of it more mature and much happier,

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Speaker 2: and we were still as close as ever, if not more.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's nice.

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Speaker 2: Recently, in the last eighteen months, she has slid out

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Speaker 2: of my life again. I still checked in with messages,

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Speaker 2: but I have been busy myself and struggled to be

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Speaker 2: there to support her as much. During this time, I

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Speaker 2: had a tough pregnancy, a second sea section with a

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Speaker 2: todd little look after two the baby has had lots

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Speaker 2: of hospital troops and admissions, and all I wanted was

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Speaker 2: for some love and support from my best friend, which

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Speaker 2: had never got due to her own situation. Her situation

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Speaker 2: is a new relationship, moving in with this guy, passing

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Speaker 2: away of two grandparents, a tough time at work, and

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Speaker 2: an anxiety attack phase. Over the last eighteen months, I

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Speaker 2: have tried where possible to help her support her many

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Speaker 2: money times, and it has been her not responding or

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Speaker 2: canceling on me. Last moment before her anxiety needs started.

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Speaker 2: We met up. I broke down on her, saying I

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Speaker 2: was struggling with my husband working six nights, six days

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Speaker 2: a week, and she promised to set up a day

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Speaker 2: once a week where she would come and help with

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Speaker 2: tea and just have a girly catch up. I feel

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Speaker 2: so happy having some adult conversation and some time with her.

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Speaker 2: But this happened twice before. It was constant cancelations before

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Speaker 2: I stopped trying. We said we would take turns hosting

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Speaker 2: where possible, and I also totally gare that this could

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Speaker 2: be a big commitment, but she lives so close. By

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Speaker 2: the weekend she canceled on coming to my four year

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Speaker 2: old's party. She's the godmother. By the way, this is

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Speaker 2: the weekend she's not replied about going to the theater

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Speaker 2: for my thirtieth birthday, which has been booked in for

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Speaker 2: about five months, and I just know she's going to cancel.

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Speaker 2: I have always been the person who tries and goes

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Speaker 2: above and beyond for their close friends, as well as

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Speaker 2: always being the understanding person who is like, I get it,

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Speaker 2: you're having a hard time, take care of yourself, etc.

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Speaker 2: But I'm at a point where I want to be

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Speaker 2: selfish and I want to have a reliable friend, and

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Speaker 2: I get it. She has a her own shit going on,

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Speaker 2: and I do respect it. It's just so constant and

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Speaker 2: predictable that I feel like I'm now over the friendship. PS.

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Speaker 2: She is meant to be my bridesmaid for my wedding

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Speaker 2: in twenty twenty seven. We did the legal paperwork, but

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Speaker 2: haven't had any celebration yet due to life and finances.

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Speaker 2: Oh oh oh, this one's so tough. I feel like

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Speaker 2: this situation is it's gonna be really heartbreaking. And yes,

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Speaker 2: there's a level of understanding that has to happen, given

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Speaker 2: she's going through her own things. But if I'm being

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Speaker 2: so real with you right now, Ash and I go

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Speaker 2: through our own shit, and it's been heavy. There's been grief,

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Speaker 2: there's been passings, there's been so much stuff this year,

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Speaker 2: and we still make time for each other.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because it's priory.

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Speaker 2: And I don't mean to highlight that to make you

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Speaker 2: feel bad or make you sad or anything like that,

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Speaker 2: but almost just like as a piece of evidence that

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Speaker 2: you will prioritize the things that are important to you

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Speaker 2: and sometimes people just one don't have the capacity. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and maybe she's just there right now. Yeah, And that's okay.

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Speaker 1: You can have.

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Speaker 2: Understanding, you can be appreciative, you can you know, be

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Speaker 2: there for he still send the message, is all the things.

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Speaker 2: But if she's also not meeting you in the middle,

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Speaker 2: that's almost like a sign for you to just go Okay, cool,

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Speaker 2: that's where she's at. I'm not going to get the

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Speaker 2: friendship that I want craven desire from her right now.

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Speaker 2: And that's okay. You may be sad about it. It's

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Speaker 2: going to bring up some grief. You're going to grieve

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Speaker 2: the relationship and feel like, God, why can't you just

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Speaker 2: show up for me in the way that I want

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Speaker 2: you to? Or it's not that hard. Send a message,

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Speaker 2: give me a call, FaceTime me, Like, there's so many

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Speaker 2: touch points of connection that you can have. But I

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Speaker 2: really believe that she's showing you her capacity for how

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Speaker 2: deep and how connected she's willing to be with you

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Speaker 2: in this season of her life. And I think this

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Speaker 2: is something that you've just got to be willing to

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Speaker 2: accept and hear her when she's telling you that she

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Speaker 2: can't meet you in the depth that you need her to.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you've said that perfectly, And it's not that your

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Speaker 1: friend is doing anything wrong. And I think in the past,

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Speaker 1: I would have felt how you're feeling, because I had

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Speaker 1: quite high expectations on my friendships, because I always put

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Speaker 1: them as a priority, and I was showing up as

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Speaker 1: that friend. I was doing everything and checking in, buying

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Speaker 1: the flowers, doing all the doing all the things. I

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Speaker 1: expected people to treat me the same. And then this

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Speaker 1: year alone, watching one of my best friends go through

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Speaker 1: grief and watching her not have the capacity for anything

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Speaker 1: else but survival, it really made me reflect and goes.

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Speaker 1: Some people just don't have the capacity, yeah, anything else

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Speaker 1: black getting through each day. And there is absolutely zero

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Speaker 1: expectation now around my friends, zero judgment, zero assuming it's

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Speaker 1: just showing up in a way that they need. And

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Speaker 1: that feels good for me too. It's not totally abandoning

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Speaker 1: myself or abandoning the friendship. It's just knowing this is

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Speaker 1: a season right now, and what is she needing? What

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Speaker 1: am I needing? And then how do we navigate that

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Speaker 1: through together? And sometimes space and distance is what people need. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and it might not even be about you. She does

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Speaker 1: have a new partner. We've had this conversation. If frien

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Speaker 1: Tiana gets a new partner, that our dynamic will shift.

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Speaker 1: We do a lot together right now, but when you

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Speaker 1: bring someone else into the day, of course, Towna's time

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Speaker 1: has to be split more. You have to prioritize more

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Speaker 1: time with them. You know, things change, relationships change. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that she or you are doing anything wrong,

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Speaker 1: but what you're desiring in the friendship. She can't meet

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Speaker 1: you there, and it might be beautiful for you to

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Speaker 1: open yourself up to meeting other friends that can you

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Speaker 1: meet you there? Or I'm more aligned right now, and

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Speaker 1: I think your friend will come back when she's ready.

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Speaker 1: In the same breath, I feel you because it's hard.

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Speaker 2: It is hard.

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Speaker 1: I've been in friendships where I've just wanted them so

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Speaker 1: badly to make the plans, to not cancel, to check

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Speaker 1: in how I am, or you know. I remember there

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Speaker 1: was times so I was really sick one day and

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Speaker 1: I was on my story saying how sick I was,

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Speaker 1: And I remember this one French she was watching my

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Speaker 1: stories and didn't even swipe up to say are you okay?

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Speaker 1: Can I do anything? Do you want to visit? It?

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Speaker 1: Like nothing? And I remember just being like, why can't you,

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Speaker 1: Why can't you just want you to be here, just

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Speaker 1: want you to be here Like that, it makes you

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Speaker 1: feel like you're not worthy of love and they don't

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Speaker 1: love you anymore and you've been abandoned and rejected and

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Speaker 1: all those wounds start to arise.

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Speaker 2: I definitely do.

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Speaker 1: I hope you hear the first thing I said, But

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Speaker 1: I also really feel for you because I know what

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Speaker 1: feels like, and it's really hard to sit with that.

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Speaker 1: It's really fucking uncomfortable because you.

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Speaker 2: Feel lonely, especially when you want that person to be

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Speaker 2: the one who gives you the love. You know, we

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Speaker 2: understand what that feels like too. But yeah, it's just

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Speaker 2: it's hard because this is one of those real uncomfortable

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Speaker 2: moments in life where it's like acceptance is really acceptance,

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Speaker 2: you know, acceptance of like what is what she's showing

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Speaker 2: you where she's able to meet you, and also acceptance

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Speaker 2: that like it makes you sad, you knowing that it's

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Speaker 2: okay that you feel that way, because I would feel

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Speaker 2: the same way too. I've had that in the past.

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Speaker 1: We all have. Yeah, great stages of your life too. Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: And she's a new honeymoon relationship phase and you're in

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Speaker 1: maybe going through a hard time with your husband and

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Speaker 1: your kids, and you're needing more support.

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Speaker 2: I'd be curious, like, obviously you've said this person is

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Speaker 2: so important to you, your best friend. Is this something

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Speaker 2: that you've had a real, deep, honest conversation about, Like

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Speaker 2: if yes, maybe you've had it many times before and

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Speaker 2: you feel like it's not getting anywhere. Maybe this has

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Speaker 2: been one of those topics where it's just like I'm

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Speaker 2: not going to touch this because I'm scared of what

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Speaker 2: come out of it.

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Speaker 1: Which I've been there too.

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Speaker 2: Oh of course absolutely, but it's like maybe in this

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Speaker 2: season of your life you can lean on courage and

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Speaker 2: bravery and go, Okay, well, if I want her to

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Speaker 2: be at my wedding, and she's going to be in

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Speaker 2: a very important role in my wedding, this is probably

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Speaker 2: worth having a conversation around of any disappointment that you

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Speaker 2: may feel like, you know obviously understanding her grief, so

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Speaker 2: going hey, like, I love you, I understand you've had

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Speaker 2: a really rough time. I'm also going through a really

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Speaker 2: rough time now and I miss you. I would love

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Speaker 2: to see how we could really have that conversation again

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Speaker 2: to make sure that we can prioritize girl time spending

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Speaker 2: time together and repairing what is actually broken, Because if

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Speaker 2: she doesn't know that there's anything there, how's she going

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Speaker 2: to know that's right.

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Speaker 1: She's in her own head, that's right of us.

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Speaker 2: Are and also by you being honest about what it

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Speaker 2: is that you're needing, she's going to be able to

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Speaker 2: say I don't have the capacity for this right now,

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Speaker 2: or oh my gosh, I didn't know that this was

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Speaker 2: coming up for you. Let's repair. Yeah, but you'll never

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Speaker 2: know unless you try.

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Speaker 1: Then you get clarity, yeah, and that helps you either

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Speaker 1: unplug or move forward together. Yeah, friendship st afre so tricky.

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Speaker 2: It is hard.

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Speaker 1: It's really hard. But I think these open conversations are

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Speaker 1: so good. Like even when we were away from my birthday,

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Speaker 1: like we did have the conversation of when you bring

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Speaker 1: a new partner and both of us for like how

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Speaker 1: you feel about that? Yeah, you're like, I'm scared. I

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Speaker 1: was like me too.

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Speaker 2: We were both like I don't want anything to change,

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Speaker 2: and she's like me too. Yeah, just like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 2: we have to prioritize everything and just make sure that

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Speaker 2: we continue to do the things that we do and

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Speaker 2: make sure we have that locked in time.

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Speaker 1: But I also said to Tiana, I'm like, things will

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Speaker 1: change and it will feel different, and I want you

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Speaker 1: to go and spend time with your new partner and like,

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Speaker 1: I'm a big girl. You don't have to take care

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Speaker 1: of me or like not feel bad because you can't

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Speaker 1: do something anymore. Like things change, they do. When I

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Speaker 1: had Taj, when I had Tala, like that made me

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Speaker 1: have less time for my friends. Yeah, like that's life.

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Speaker 1: But it's just once again communicating that what feels good

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Speaker 1: and like, how can we keep our connections still fun

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Speaker 1: and make time for each other that fits in with

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Speaker 1: everyone's schedules. It's not hard. Yeah, I've got two kids

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Speaker 1: and a husband that you've got to work around. I do.

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Speaker 2: I do it, And you know what, that's the thing.

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Speaker 2: I was like, well, if you can do it, I

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Speaker 2: can do it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, obviously if you do know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: That was yeah, mindset I was, And I'm like, he's

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Speaker 2: gonna have to know who comes first in a priority

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Speaker 2: line because it's you, you know, And it's just it

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Speaker 2: was cool to bring this conversation in, but it's it

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Speaker 2: is the reality of it. Sometimes we were scared to

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Speaker 2: have that conversation because obviously we both care about our

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Speaker 2: friendship so much, just like, oh.

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Speaker 1: We love doing everything together and it's so fun.

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Speaker 2: We have so much fun together, and every moment is special,

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Speaker 2: the highs, the lows, the fucking, the grief, the hardships,

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Speaker 2: all of it. Like we go through every season together

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Speaker 2: and I don't want that to change. So we understand

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Speaker 2: firsthand what it can feel like when you crave that

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Speaker 2: and you want that and you want more of it

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Speaker 2: from someone that you really care about.

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Speaker 1: And the dynamics and friendships changing is hard though. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's like even in relationships. Steve and I always joke

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Speaker 1: about it, but he's married ten different women, Like our

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Speaker 1: dynamic has changed. It's so much and it's really hard.

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Speaker 1: Only recently we've had like a ton of another, really

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Speaker 1: big hard conversations of like, Okay, where are we going

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Speaker 1: with our marriage, what's feeling good, what's not? What's coming

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Speaker 1: up for you? Do you have resemblance here? Do I

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Speaker 1: have resembment here? Like are we both still super aligned?

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Speaker 1: And they're really uncomfortable conversations and Steve realize all this

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Speaker 1: stuff about him and I realize the stuff about me,

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Speaker 1: and then it's like, okay, together this is our plan

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Speaker 1: moving forward, like you have to constantly be evolving together

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Speaker 1: and be fluid and flexible with the changes that happen

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Speaker 1: in relationship dynamics, it's never the same willingness. Willingness one

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Speaker 1: hundred percent and acceptance for where they're at and how

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Speaker 1: much they can stretch where the capacity is.

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Speaker 2: And I think that's something to note as well, the

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Speaker 2: willingness part. You can only grow something when two people

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Speaker 2: are willing. So true, and it's not saying that she

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Speaker 2: doesn't love you, because I believe that she does, like

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Speaker 2: she would love you so much. And also she's right

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Speaker 2: now in this season never life, maybe not willing to

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Speaker 2: create a friendship that has so much depth, because for

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Speaker 2: somebody who doesn't have a lot of capacity, a deep

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Speaker 2: friendship can maybe be draining than it is giving, you know,

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Speaker 2: depending on where somebody is at mentally, And so it's

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Speaker 2: also just something to take into consideration. Doesn't necessarily mean

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Speaker 2: anything about you as a person. I don't want you

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Speaker 2: to take this personally or make it seem or feel

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Speaker 2: as if you aren't deserving, you're not good enough, You're

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Speaker 2: not you know, worthy of having this type of friendship

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Speaker 2: or having somebody invest effort and time into you because

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Speaker 2: it's not true, Like I just I'm wanting to squash

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Speaker 2: those stories so fast.

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Speaker 1: And to make you not feel so alone. Just brought

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Speaker 1: up like we've both had people in our lives that

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Speaker 1: have ended a friendship or yours is more like not

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Speaker 1: wanting to further the friendship. And when I was ending

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Speaker 1: a friendship like a fucking breakup because they didn't have

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Speaker 1: capacity for the depth that we wanted. Yeah, that girl,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, it doesn't matter about names, but she

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Speaker 1: said to you like I don't wish I'm pursuing a

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Speaker 1: friendship with you. I had to text since you're just

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Speaker 1: saying I can't give you the depth of what you're

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Speaker 1: wanting for this friendship and basically ended it. It's like

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Speaker 1: you're not alone in this. I think this happens a

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Speaker 1: lot more. But I think having the conversation so you

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Speaker 1: have clarity, so you're not just over here going oh

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure and yeah she's my bridesmaid and then

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Speaker 1: she turns up to your wedding and it's awkward, like eh, no,

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Speaker 1: like let's have the conversation. See where you're both at. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: no one's doing anything wrong. Yeah, get clear on what

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Speaker 1: you're both desiring and whether you both want to make

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Speaker 1: this friendship work. Either way, it's hard if you don't

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Speaker 1: have the conversation, it's really hard because you' left feeling

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Speaker 1: how you're feeling now for sure, And if the friendship's

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Speaker 1: done its time, it's also really hard.

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Speaker 2: It's almost like closure when you have a conversation, And

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Speaker 2: maybe that's the scary part. We're never really ready for closure.

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Speaker 1: You don't want to hear no.

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Speaker 2: You have to be willing to go into it knowing

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Speaker 2: and feeling like, Okay, potential worst case scenario could happen

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Speaker 2: right now.

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Speaker 1: And it might not be either. Yeah, don't jump to

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Speaker 1: the conclusion, but prepare yourself that it could be the end.

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Speaker 2: That's a scary thing. People don't have conversations because they like,

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Speaker 2: but what if I have the closure that I don't want,

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Speaker 2: you know, But also if it isn't aligned to what

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Speaker 2: it will do, is it allow you to move on

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Speaker 2: and be like, oh my gosh, I respect you, thank

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Speaker 2: you so much for telling me where you're at, and

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Speaker 2: then almost like you're not left in limerens anymore.

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Speaker 1: Even in friendships, that's the worst feeling, isn't it thing

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Speaker 1: that limbo like fearing. Is she upset? Like what's happening? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: like this, Oh my god, it used to be the worst.

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Speaker 2: It's what makes it so much bigger in your head,

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Speaker 2: and that's what makes you scared to go have the conversation.

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Speaker 2: So if you can, I think it's worth it. If

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Speaker 2: you love her, it's worth it. If you care about

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Speaker 2: your dynamic, it's worth it.

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Speaker 1: Definitely.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Last year is a year of hard conversation. That's your

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Speaker 1: thing this year. Yeah, hard conversations. And also I sort

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Speaker 1: of acknowledge that hard time you're going through in motherhood,

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Speaker 1: like two young babies, feeling like you're doing it on

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Speaker 1: your own, having relationship troubles with your husband, Like life

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Speaker 1: is fucking hard. Sometimes sometimes it just feels like when

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Speaker 1: it rains, it pause and I really see you in that.

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Speaker 1: I'm just sending you a lot of love and be

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Speaker 1: kind to yourself, and also just remember like you taking

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Speaker 1: care of you as the most important thing, and regulating

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Speaker 1: your nervous system so that you can handle these hard

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Speaker 1: conversations without reacting instead of like respond in a way

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Speaker 1: that you feel proud of, and just take care of

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Speaker 1: you because you and your kids need it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so beautifully said.

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Speaker 1: Well, thanks for joining us and with love and updates

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Speaker 1: to what you do if you decide to confront her

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Speaker 1: and have a conversation and let us know and we

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Speaker 1: here for any support.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, sending you so much love.

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Speaker 1: Bye. We'll see you guys in the next episode.

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Speaker 2: Bye bye