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Speaker 1: I appociate production. So I started when I was fifteen.

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Speaker 2: I'm twenty six now I've been sober for about four years,

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Speaker 2: so about eleven years, about eleven years in the addiction.

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Speaker 2: And yeah, so I'll go back to when I was

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Speaker 2: first using it. I was, Yeah, I was, I'd be

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Speaker 2: up for weeks on end. And obviously because my age,

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Speaker 2: you know, I think I've stun my growth a bit,

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Speaker 2: but we'll get into that anyway. But I like I would,

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Speaker 2: I would just feel I just felt great. It's the

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Speaker 2: feeling of you know, the feeling of the rush and

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Speaker 2: all of it, and then everything just feeling like nothing

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Speaker 2: is a problem anymore is what kept me doing it.

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Speaker 2: But unfortunately, I developed very bad psychosis from it. So

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Speaker 2: even at early stages, just after not long of using it,

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Speaker 2: I'd get the bad psychosis.

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Speaker 1: And then even when I.

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Speaker 2: Was you know, coming down or coming off it or

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Speaker 2: having the occasional sleep, I'd still have that psychosis.

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Speaker 1: And that just got worse and worse over the years.

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Speaker 2: So by the time you know, I was in my

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Speaker 2: twenties before I went to jail, the psychosist was terrible.

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Speaker 2: Like the ship that I was seeing and thinking, even

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Speaker 2: the smallest amount of myth would just my mind had

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Speaker 2: crumble and just shudder. And then when I'd have bigger amounts,

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Speaker 2: you know, sometimes I'd just sit there for hours like well,

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Speaker 2: like what the fuck's going on? Like it would just

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Speaker 2: completely play a trick with my head.

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Speaker 3: Yet, so what would be enjoyable about that? Knowing you know,

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Speaker 3: like even though you're craving that hit, knowing that this

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Speaker 3: is every chance going to happen, it's time you take

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Speaker 3: that particular drug. Surely that wasn't a fun trip.

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Speaker 1: No, no, it wasn't.

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Speaker 2: No, it it got sad, it got horrible, It wasn't

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Speaker 2: all always fine.

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Speaker 1: I don't think I knew I knew I was doing

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Speaker 1: the wrong thing.

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Speaker 2: It just it numbed the pain, you know, that made

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Speaker 2: everything go away, and you just look forward to when

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Speaker 2: you'd have it next.

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Speaker 1: And somehow I still still to this day, we'll never

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Speaker 1: know how.

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Speaker 2: How you can keep doing something like that and enjoy

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Speaker 2: what takes your family, takes your life, It takes everything

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Speaker 2: from you, respect, everything that you have will just go

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Speaker 2: to crumble eventually, and just yeah, and then continue doing it.

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Speaker 2: You know, it's I'll never understand why, but you just

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Speaker 2: you do. And then yeah, fortunately I was lucky enough. Well,

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Speaker 2: I I don't know how to say fortunately or lucky

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Speaker 2: in this situation that led me to get clean. But

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Speaker 2: I've got clean now and I'm staying clean, and I'll

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Speaker 2: never go back to it because it just when you

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Speaker 2: look back now, and the psychosis was just like, I

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Speaker 2: don't know how I was walking around and not getting

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Speaker 2: dragged into hospital. I don't know, I was getting dragged

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Speaker 2: into hospital by cops ambulances and stuff. And I just think, well,

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Speaker 2: to go back to that and just to live on

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Speaker 2: the edge like that, it's so it's awful, it's it's scary,

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Speaker 2: it's sad. And the people, the people people don't care

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Speaker 2: about you at all, you know, and then the ones

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Speaker 2: that do care have to distance themselves because they don't

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Speaker 2: they don't know what to do.

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Speaker 1: They can't help you.

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Speaker 2: See, you're breaking breaking down slowly and they don't know

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Speaker 2: how to help anymore. So eventually they were distance selve themselves,

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Speaker 2: and it just it's a horrible tornado, just chaos and mess.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you were a woman that also too, was a

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Speaker 3: working girl at a young age that was to feed

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Speaker 3: your addiction, I assume. And please tell me.

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Speaker 1: If I'm wrong.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, can we talk about that and how life was

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Speaker 3: being able to sort of wake up each day and

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Speaker 3: you know, you talk about losing your dignity, respect and

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Speaker 3: you know, people's connection. Surely this wouldn't have helped in

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Speaker 3: any way.

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Speaker 2: No, So when I got out of rehabit did forty

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Speaker 2: months rehub got out and excuse me, it lived in

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Speaker 2: a different talent to where I was familiar with and

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Speaker 2: met the wrong people by choice, wanted to meet the

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Speaker 2: wrong people again, started using again and thought, well, I'm

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Speaker 2: going to have to figure out how to fund this

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Speaker 2: to keep feeding there's drugs into my body. So I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna start selling myself and I did you know, I

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Speaker 2: made the ad and I did that for money for

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Speaker 2: a couple of months, and it wasn't too long because

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Speaker 2: the house I was living in, you know, I wouldn't

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Speaker 2: do it there. I'd go go places and do it.

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Speaker 2: But they started to clue onto my drug. You say,

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Speaker 2: I was up twenty four to seven, constantly have a

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Speaker 2: Bluetooth speaker going. I think I'd have a occasional sneaky

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Speaker 2: jay out the window and just had sometimes I'd had

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Speaker 2: people over and just I think they just knew they

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Speaker 2: caught on they were normal, so I had to leave

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Speaker 2: and yeah, but basically I was like it.

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Speaker 1: I thought it was great at the time because.

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Speaker 2: When you do it, when you do the math, you

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Speaker 2: disconnect from your body and yourself even more so so

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Speaker 2: doing those things, putting yourself out there for money, It's

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Speaker 2: like you just completely disassociate from the situation and it

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Speaker 2: becomes you can just numb, numb yourself to what you're doing.

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Speaker 3: Is that and tell me if I'm wrong. I've never

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Speaker 3: used it, but I hear people talk of it as

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Speaker 3: it's a heightening and it's yeah, like for sexual acts,

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Speaker 3: you know what I mean. It gives you some sort

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Speaker 3: of euphoric feeling that you know, you become more I

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Speaker 3: guess prominent to sexual activity. Is that? Is that correct?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I've heard that one a lot before. In

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Speaker 2: my case, it was a bit different. I I would

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Speaker 2: That's what I thought.

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Speaker 3: I'd ask because you could actually relate that to the fact.

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Speaker 2: A bit different because I know a lot of people

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Speaker 2: like that. But I I'd hang out with people, I'd

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Speaker 2: have some gear and I'd hang out with people, and

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Speaker 2: then I'd just feel sick because I could feel them

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Speaker 2: wanting to come on to me. I could feel the

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Speaker 2: energy they want, they wanting to do stuff, and I'm

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Speaker 2: just like for you sick like I didn't. I didn't

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Speaker 2: want to do it, you know, like I know it's.

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Speaker 3: This people that knew you that you were just using with,

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Speaker 3: like buddy, so you felt that they would be there

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Speaker 3: to take advantage of you once.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, like they'll shout, they'll shout gear, and

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Speaker 2: you know that'd expects they'd expect that in return or whatever.

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Speaker 1: That was pretty common and a lot of the times

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Speaker 1: they had just pissed me off.

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Speaker 2: But when I was actually doing it back then for money,

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Speaker 2: the people that I was seeing for the money, they weren't.

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Speaker 2: There was a couple that were using, but a couple

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Speaker 2: most of them weren't, so they didn't even really know

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Speaker 2: that I was using.

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Speaker 1: I don't think they didn't asks.

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Speaker 3: So can I ask did you ever feel concerned walking

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Speaker 3: down the street? Was it a small town or was

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Speaker 3: it somewhere where you ever felt that you know, you're

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Speaker 3: sort of servicing this person and making your money now,

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Speaker 3: but yet you know tomorrow you'll be in the shops

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Speaker 3: and then they're all this sort of walking past just

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Speaker 3: sort of thing. I mean, with these the thoughts of

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Speaker 3: your mind at all.

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Speaker 2: No, you lose all that lose it. Yeah, the meth

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Speaker 2: just makes you fucking you don't even think about that.

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Speaker 2: You don't even care as long as you've got that drug,

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Speaker 2: you know. But in the times when you don't have

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Speaker 2: it and you're out in public, if you can make

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Speaker 2: it out in public, you feel like shit. If if

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Speaker 2: everyone's watching you, they're all judging me, they all know me,

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Speaker 2: they all this all that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's terrible.

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Speaker 3: It'd be a really terrible feeling. And look, I don't

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Speaker 3: envy it for anybody. Actually, I can start to understand

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Speaker 3: a little bit more around the psychosis side of it

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Speaker 3: and the paranoid and when we hear about people with

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Speaker 3: an addiction to meth, you know, talk about they go

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Speaker 3: into this mental state where they don't know because there's

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Speaker 3: some horrific things that as far as I'm concerned, that

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Speaker 3: I don't agree with by any means that, you know,

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Speaker 3: since this drug has been so prominent in our communities,

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Speaker 3: I mean there's always been drugs and always will be,

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Speaker 3: but you know, meth in itself or rice has turned

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Speaker 3: our world on its disgusting crimes that are committed whilst

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Speaker 3: people have been taking this drug is just beyond the

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Speaker 3: mindset of how someone can even do these things. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: your situation was quite a defensive one in reference to

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Speaker 3: you always been on guard to protect yourself. Obviously, you're

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Speaker 3: on your own as a woman, a young woman. You

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Speaker 3: we're in a relationship where you had to defend yourself

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Speaker 3: from a partner, also, weren't you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, a few different ones, the one where I went

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Speaker 2: to jail. Yeah, yeah, So by then, the psychosis was terrible.

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Speaker 2: It was crazy, and one day, you know, you wouldn't

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Speaker 2: wouldn't let me leave the house, and I just I

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Speaker 2: wanted to leave. I wanted to get away from him,

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Speaker 2: so I yeah, it was a violent situation. I stabbed

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Speaker 2: him once.

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Speaker 1: And ran And.

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Speaker 2: If I wasn't on the drugs at the time, it

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Speaker 2: would never have happened. I'm very lucky I didn't, he

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Speaker 2: didn't pass and the things weren't worse than what they were,

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Speaker 2: because that could have so easily happened like that. But yeah,

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Speaker 2: and it's amazing how easy things can go differently, how

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Speaker 2: the risks you take, and it just.

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Speaker 1: I would have never have done it if I wasn't

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Speaker 1: on drugs.

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Speaker 2: I would never have been in that situation with that

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Speaker 2: person if I wasn't on drugs, and yeah he was.

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Speaker 2: It was ever brought up in court either, even though

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Speaker 2: I told my lawyer that he was violent towards me.

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Speaker 1: He was very violent towards me. And were you working.

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Speaker 3: So you were in the relationship, there was none not

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Speaker 3: like a working girl as well as a relationship.

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Speaker 1: You would no, no, none of that.

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Speaker 3: Okay, cool, So no, I.

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Speaker 2: Only did that for a couple of months back when

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Speaker 2: I was about nineteen twenty. When I was with this guy,

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Speaker 2: I was about twenty twenty one, twenty two, in his thirties.

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Speaker 3: It's one of those relationships where you're living in fear constantly,

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Speaker 3: I guess, and you know, like I think, domestic violence

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Speaker 3: in those scenarios can only end in one way, and

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Speaker 3: it ain't good for either party, especially if drugs are

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Speaker 3: board in and psychosis and lack of sleep. I mean,

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Speaker 3: do you think that you acted out of fee.

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, one hundred percent acted out of fear, just trying

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Speaker 2: to protect protect myself.

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Speaker 1: Get Away was scared, scared shitless, h