1 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:11,680 Speaker 1: Hi everyone, it's Carli here and welcome to you this 2 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:14,960 Speaker 1: week's Mojo Monday. So today I want to talk about 3 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:19,120 Speaker 1: a concept that I first heard from Russ Harris, who 4 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: is the author of The Happiness Trap, brilliant book and 5 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,759 Speaker 1: an expert in acceptance and commitment therapy. 6 00:00:26,079 --> 00:00:28,479 Speaker 2: And it's called dead person's goals. 7 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,360 Speaker 1: So let me explain, because I know that sounds a 8 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: little gruesome, but a dead person's goal is any goal 9 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:41,360 Speaker 1: that a dead person could do better than you. And 10 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 1: I know that sounds really weird, but it's actually a 11 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:49,279 Speaker 1: really helpful way to recognize the kind of goals that 12 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:54,000 Speaker 1: can really keep us stuck. So here are a few examples. 13 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:59,000 Speaker 1: I want to stop feeling anxious. I want to stop overthinking. 14 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,080 Speaker 1: I want to I never lose. 15 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 2: My temper again. 16 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:06,120 Speaker 1: I want to just stop being so sensitive. And then 17 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:10,920 Speaker 1: here are some behavioral ones. I want to stop drinking alcohol, 18 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,959 Speaker 1: I want to stop emotional eating. I want to stop 19 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:17,400 Speaker 1: checking my phone all the time. Now, the thing is 20 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: that these goals, what they have in common is that 21 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 1: they're all about stopping something. They're about removing or avoiding 22 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:33,319 Speaker 1: something that's uncomfortable. So whether it's an emotion or a behavior, 23 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,640 Speaker 1: And here's the problem with this, or here's what can 24 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: be the problem. Dead people do those goals better than 25 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:45,319 Speaker 1: we do. Why Because they don't drink, they don't scroll 26 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:49,280 Speaker 1: on social media, they don't overthink, they never feel anxious, 27 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 1: and they never get annoyed. 28 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 2: But you do. 29 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:57,040 Speaker 1: Because you're alive and you're human, so you're engaged with 30 00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:01,880 Speaker 1: the world around you, and that include these this landscape 31 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:05,520 Speaker 1: of emotions that we feel. It includes our habits, the 32 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:09,120 Speaker 1: things that we consistently do every single day, which includes 33 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:13,160 Speaker 1: the urges and the temptations and the frustrations. It includes 34 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 1: all of it. So what's the alternative? What else can 35 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:20,200 Speaker 1: we do well given we are alive. Let's look at 36 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:23,640 Speaker 1: this from a live person's goal. So that's a goal 37 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:27,919 Speaker 1: based on action, a goal based on intention and values, 38 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,240 Speaker 1: a goal you can actually do, rather than a goal 39 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 1: to stop doing something. So let me give you some examples. 40 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:40,920 Speaker 1: So instead of I want to stop emotional eating, you 41 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,600 Speaker 1: could reframe this too, I want to nourish my body 42 00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:48,720 Speaker 1: with food that supports my energy and well being. Instead 43 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:51,680 Speaker 1: of I want to stop drinking wine every night, you 44 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,120 Speaker 1: could try I want to support my health and my 45 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:58,240 Speaker 1: sleep by creating an evening routine that helps me unwind 46 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:02,080 Speaker 1: with our alcohol. And then from there you set the 47 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,320 Speaker 1: goals of the tasks. What you need to do instead 48 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: of I want to stop checking my phone constantly, this 49 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 1: is one that I need to do instead of that, 50 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,400 Speaker 1: I want to be more present by setting phone free 51 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,240 Speaker 1: times so I can focus on what's truly meaningful, like 52 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 1: connecting with others or getting into deep work, and then 53 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,520 Speaker 1: you work out what that looks like for you. So 54 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 1: these aren't about being a perfect person, but they are 55 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:34,880 Speaker 1: about aligning your actions with what matters. And here's where 56 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 1: it gets even more helpful. Behind every live person's goal 57 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 1: is a value. So if being calm with your kids 58 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,440 Speaker 1: is important to you, that's a value. 59 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,360 Speaker 2: If being present with the people around you. 60 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:53,200 Speaker 1: Is important, then that's a value. If treating your body 61 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:58,400 Speaker 1: with care is important, then that's a value. So values 62 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,880 Speaker 1: give you direction. They act like a compass, and you 63 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:06,200 Speaker 1: don't have to feel one hundred percent motivated or in 64 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,240 Speaker 1: control to actually. 65 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,080 Speaker 2: Live your values. 66 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:13,560 Speaker 1: You just need to get really clear on what matters 67 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:18,080 Speaker 1: and then take that next step, that next small action 68 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: in that direction. So if you're feeling stuck in I 69 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:26,480 Speaker 1: just want to stop doing this but I can't stop 70 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:30,360 Speaker 1: because let's face it, it's really hard to stop doing things. 71 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:34,279 Speaker 1: If that's your goal, then pause for a second and 72 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 1: ask yourself, what do I want to move towards? What 73 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 1: kind of person do I want to be in this situation, 74 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:48,080 Speaker 1: and what value is important to me. So, if it's 75 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 1: important that you are calm around your kids and that 76 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:54,120 Speaker 1: you want to be a good role model, but you 77 00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:58,040 Speaker 1: find that you're getting angry and yelling at your kids, 78 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,400 Speaker 1: you want to that's what you want to stop doing. 79 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,440 Speaker 1: Then you get in touch with that value. I want 80 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,279 Speaker 1: to be a calm parent, I want to be a 81 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:09,760 Speaker 1: good role model for my kids. That's what you tap 82 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,919 Speaker 1: into because that's the shift from the dead person's goal 83 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:18,279 Speaker 1: to the live person's goal. It goes from avoidance to 84 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:24,000 Speaker 1: engagement and from control trying to control your emotions to 85 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,920 Speaker 1: getting clear on what your actions are. 86 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 2: So this week, ask yourself, are you. 87 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:36,599 Speaker 1: Setting or aiming for dead person's goals? What would a 88 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:42,600 Speaker 1: live values aligned goal look like instead? Because that's your compass. 89 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:47,719 Speaker 1: That's the compass pointing in the direction of how you 90 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:52,400 Speaker 1: want to behave in this situation, and how you want 91 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,680 Speaker 1: to behave despite how you feel. Because that's what you 92 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,440 Speaker 1: can control. You can't control the urgers, you can't control 93 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,640 Speaker 1: the emotions that come up. You ride those waves, but 94 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:07,760 Speaker 1: it's that values driven compass that points you in the 95 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 1: direction of how you want to behave. So this week, 96 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:17,159 Speaker 1: I invite you to reframe your goals, reframe them from 97 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:21,080 Speaker 1: a dead person's goal to a live person's goal, and 98 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,680 Speaker 1: make it about action, action that is aligned to what 99 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:29,240 Speaker 1: is deeply important to you. And then you consistently do 100 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:34,800 Speaker 1: those behaviors every single day. Okay, good luck everyone, and 101 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:37,159 Speaker 1: I hope you have a great week and I will 102 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,920 Speaker 1: see you next Monday. See ya.