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Speaker 1: Apogey Production. Trigger warning.

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Speaker 2: This episode today includes a deep, long conversation that covers

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Speaker 2: grief loss of a child.

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Speaker 3: It contains graphic descriptions of the series of events.

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Speaker 1: This may be triggering for anyone who has past trauma

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Speaker 1: or has experienced any of the above. Listener discretion is advised.

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Speaker 4: Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.

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Speaker 4: This podcast is about female empowerment.

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Speaker 3: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most

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Speaker 3: authentic version of yourself.

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Speaker 4: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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Speaker 4: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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Speaker 4: else is too afraid to talk about.

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Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to She Rises Podcast.

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Speaker 2: We have a very beautiful special guest on today and

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Speaker 2: I've actually been trying to get you on the podcast

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Speaker 2: for quite a while. We have You're one incredible woman

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Speaker 2: who I have looked up to for a very long time,

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Speaker 2: and I think what you're doing with your story and

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Speaker 2: the impact you're making on the world is so beautiful.

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Speaker 1: I've had a huge impact on my life, So welcome

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Speaker 1: to the podcast.

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Speaker 5: Jess. Thanks for being here today. Thank you so much

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Speaker 5: for having me. Both of you, I really appreciate being

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Speaker 5: here today.

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Speaker 2: We're going to be diving into a lot about your

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Speaker 2: story and about your beautiful little girl, Luna. So can

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Speaker 2: you take us back and tell us about your daughter Luna,

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Speaker 2: her light, her energy, what she loved.

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Speaker 6: Of course, I would love to tell you all about Lou.

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Speaker 5: Lou was three and a half years old when she

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Speaker 5: was Earth'side, and she was absolute magic. She had poor

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Speaker 5: some white skin, right red hair, and beautiful blue eyes,

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Speaker 5: so freaking cute, gorgeous, very different. And it's funny actually

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Speaker 5: because my partner is Maury Cook Island, so I was

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Speaker 5: assuming that.

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Speaker 6: I was going to have like this caramel baby.

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Speaker 5: True, I have fake tan's my entire life. So I'm like,

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Speaker 5: surely when I have children, they've got to be ten.

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Speaker 5: They're never going to have to worry about fake tan.

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Speaker 5: Absolutely not. Lou was like white as a ghost when

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Speaker 5: she came out. I thought she was legit albino. She

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Speaker 5: had this bright red hair. It was always quite funny

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Speaker 5: because when we're out and about, I'm fair with blonde hair,

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Speaker 5: and Timmy's got dark features everywhere. So when he used

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Speaker 5: to carry around was quite funny because like she wasn't

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Speaker 5: he but Lou, like most three and a half year old,

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Speaker 5: she had this real magic about her. She loved like

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Speaker 5: fairies and unicorns, beautiful rainbows.

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Speaker 1: Also known as lunicorns.

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Speaker 5: Now, yeah, she had this really great magic. And I

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Speaker 5: feel like she's also one of those children. We had

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Speaker 5: friends that never wanted children, and they were quite happy

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Speaker 5: with that, and then whenever they'd spend say a couple

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Speaker 5: of days with us with Lou, they would turn around

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Speaker 5: and say, you know what, Jess, if we have children

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Speaker 5: like Lou, we want to have kids. And our friends

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Speaker 5: have had kids since Lou, which is really nice, and

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Speaker 5: like we would be invited to adult only events and

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Speaker 5: it would be like no children allowed, but you guys

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Speaker 5: can bring loot. Everyone loved her, which was nice. She

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Speaker 5: was into dancing, singing, all of them.

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Speaker 1: Normal three and a half year old yes, which was

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Speaker 1: so lovely. I love that. So is it coming on

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Speaker 1: three years since she grew home?

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Speaker 5: It's what are we now? We're twenty five? So she

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Speaker 5: left in December twenty twenty twenty, so I think it's

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Speaker 5: all years this year, this year, So if we take

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Speaker 5: her back a little bit in December twenty twenty, which

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Speaker 5: was peak COVID times on the seventeenth of December. It

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Speaker 5: was really strange. Actually, I've never had issues with my

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Speaker 5: heart before. I had really bad heart palpitations, and as

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Speaker 5: women are, we don't really think about it too much.

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Speaker 5: I was just like getting on with my day and

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Speaker 5: my left hand started getting tingly. It fully went numb.

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Speaker 5: It was numb for almost a day, and then I

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Speaker 5: went and had a big sleep, and then Tim got home.

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Speaker 6: He's like, what's going on. I'm like, I just don't

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Speaker 6: feel good. Something's not right.

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Speaker 5: I got on with it, and the next day I

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Speaker 5: went and got my hair done and I was literally

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Speaker 5: dragging my arm around because it was so numb. And

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Speaker 5: there was a paramedic that was in the chair next

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Speaker 5: to me and she's like, yes, it sounds like you're

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Speaker 5: having like a stroke, almost like a heart attack.

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Speaker 6: I think you should go to the doctors.

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Speaker 5: And because it was so close to Christmas, I was like, oh,

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Speaker 5: I don't, like, I'm sure I'll be fine.

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Speaker 1: I went to the doctors.

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Speaker 5: My resting heart was at one hundred and eighty eight,

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Speaker 5: which is super high.

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Speaker 6: It's about sixty generally.

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Speaker 5: I was rushed straight to hospital and I was in

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Speaker 5: hospital for three days. So with this was really tough

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Speaker 5: for me because I missed out on the last three

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Speaker 5: days of Lou's life, so I was in hospital for

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Speaker 5: those three days. Lou was coming up to visit me

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Speaker 5: with Timmy and we had a seven month old baby

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Speaker 5: at the time as well, and they had no idea

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Speaker 5: what happened to my heart. And it has been totally

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Speaker 5: fine ever since. The morning of the twentieth. I woke

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Speaker 5: up to six miss calls from my partner on my

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Speaker 5: mobile when I was in hospital.

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Speaker 6: And when I called him back, he told me.

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Speaker 5: In total panic, obviously, that Lou had been struck by

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Speaker 5: a car outside our house. She was put into an

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Speaker 5: induced coma on the side of the road, and from

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Speaker 5: that phone call, my life has never been the same

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Speaker 5: ever since. Lou was rushed to the Gold Coast University

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Speaker 5: Hospital because that's where I was, and from then on in.

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Speaker 6: It was crazy. It was boom, boom boom.

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Speaker 5: I was on an ECG at the time, so I'd

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Speaker 5: had to rip everything off run down to emergency to

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Speaker 5: try and meet Lou there. When she arrived, my whole

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Speaker 5: world was like warped. Time stood still. Everything you kind

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Speaker 5: of imagine like in a movie. That's what it was like.

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Speaker 5: It was like watching from an outside, like a horror

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Speaker 5: movie bit you and your family are the main characters.

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Speaker 5: And Lou was in a coma for three days and

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Speaker 5: her injuries were so significant there was no recovery or

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Speaker 5: comeback from that, so unfortunately we had to turn her

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Speaker 5: life support off three days before Christmas. It's been a

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Speaker 5: devastating loss to try live with the last four and

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Speaker 5: a half years since.

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Speaker 1: I cannot even imagine.

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Speaker 2: It's something no parent should ever ever have to endure

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Speaker 2: that kind of pain.

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Speaker 1: Yep, yeah, yeah, it was awful.

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Speaker 5: My partner. We both grieve over the exact same child,

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Speaker 5: but grief so differently.

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Speaker 1: That's interesting. I'd love you to talk about that for.

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Speaker 6: Me because I wasn't there at the time of the accident.

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Speaker 5: Tim was home at the time, so his grief is

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Speaker 5: an his trauma is so different to mine. Even at

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Speaker 5: the hospital, for example, he was very traumatized, very emotional.

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Speaker 5: I remember at one point in the hospital Timmy was

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Speaker 5: like breaking down and screaming and it was really full on,

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Speaker 5: and I remember shaking his shoulders saying like snap out

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Speaker 5: of it, like this isn't about us. We have our

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Speaker 5: whole life to grieve Lou or to grieve whatever this

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Speaker 5: situation may be.

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Speaker 6: We need to lock in, you know, we're her parents.

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Speaker 5: We need to make sure we can like have clarity

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Speaker 5: here and do what we can to support Lou the

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Speaker 5: best way we know how. And it was really quite

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Speaker 5: powerful doing that because when we went I made the

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Speaker 5: rule that you know, anyone that was in that room

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Speaker 5: with Lou, we were positive everything we spoke about. The

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Speaker 5: doctors and the nurses weren't allowed to discuss any of

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Speaker 5: Lou's injuries or any sort of medical terms in the

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Speaker 5: presence of Luna. Everything was to be spoken outside. And

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Speaker 5: I feel like that really started a positive healing journey,

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Speaker 5: if you can say that, and inverted Commas positive healing

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Speaker 5: journey for us and our community because we knew that

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Speaker 5: we were there for Lou and anything we were doing

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Speaker 5: was to try bring out a positive outcome or even

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Speaker 5: just to ensure that her life was celebrated in the

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Speaker 5: best way that we could.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and you've done a beautiful job of that. I've

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Speaker 2: heard there's seven stages of grief. Do you agree with that?

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Speaker 2: Have you heard of that? Did you find you went

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Speaker 2: through a multitude of stages. He's still going through that. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I've read a lot of books on grief.

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Speaker 6: I saw a therapist a month after Lou passed.

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Speaker 5: It was funny. Actually, I used to listen to a

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Speaker 5: lot of like deep trauma podcasts, and I remember listening

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Speaker 5: to one and she spoke about how a therapist on

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Speaker 5: the Gold Coast saved her life.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 5: So when we lost Lou, I said to Timmy, we

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Speaker 5: need to reach out to this therapist because I knew

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Speaker 5: she'd saved Ash's life. And I reached out to her.

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Speaker 5: And it's so funny because I can say I was

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Speaker 5: thirty when this happened with Lou, and my first thirty

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Speaker 5: years of life was great. I had like a beautiful childhood.

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Speaker 5: My parents were amazing. I've got three siblings that we

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Speaker 5: all have a lovely relationship. I never had any loss

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Speaker 5: or any trauma in my life, and so when this happened,

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Speaker 5: the worst that ever happened to me was like our

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Speaker 5: family dog had passed away. My first love broke my

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Speaker 5: heart and I could never get over it. You know,

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Speaker 5: there was never I never had to overcome anything. And

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Speaker 5: so when I lost Lou, I was like, oh my God, Like,

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Speaker 5: how am I actually going to do this? How can

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Speaker 5: I physically survive this sort of unfathomable loss? And so

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Speaker 5: I thought, I need to go to a therapist, because

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Speaker 5: surely they're just going to give me this magic conversation

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Speaker 5: or maybe this magic pill, and I'm going to walk

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Speaker 5: out of there and feel.

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Speaker 1: A million bucks.

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Speaker 5: So I booked us in to see my therapist, and

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Speaker 5: when I walked out or pretty much crawled out, I

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Speaker 5: still felt the same as what I felt like when

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Speaker 5: I walked in, and I think that was like a

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Speaker 5: real not a rude shock for me, but I realized, like, wow,

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Speaker 5: I'm going to actually have to do the work here.

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Speaker 6: There's no quick fix to this.

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Speaker 5: Grief is so different for everybody, even in that first

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Speaker 5: month it's quite early.

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Speaker 1: It's your shock, right, Yeah, you're.

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Speaker 5: Living off nothing, You're in survival mode, minimal sleep, no

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Speaker 5: new truth, drenaline, adrenaline one hundred percent. And I think,

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Speaker 5: you know, people say, you know, minute by minute, hour

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Speaker 5: by hour, and it sounds cliche, but it's actually true.

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Speaker 1: Ye.

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Speaker 5: You know, even the thought I remember in those really

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Speaker 5: early stages, the thought of waking up another day without

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Speaker 5: her was really horrifying, like a night wake up from

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Speaker 5: no way. And to add to the mix, I had

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Speaker 5: a seven month old newborn that needed me. We were

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Speaker 5: breastfeeding at the time. It was a lot of weight

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Speaker 5: to carry. And then we started therapy a lot and

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Speaker 5: things change, you know, in the early stages it's about

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Speaker 5: survival and then it changes to anger. Even like, say,

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Speaker 5: twelve months afterwards, I was still googling stem research in

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Speaker 5: the brain. So Luna had severe brain damage and she

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Speaker 5: had a civid spinal cord, which are the only two

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Speaker 5: things that you can't fix on a human body, which

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Speaker 5: is wild. Lou had no other injuries, She didn't have

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Speaker 5: any broken bones. She had a couple of phrases on

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Speaker 5: her knees, on her elbows, and that's it, which is

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Speaker 5: wild because when you think of an impact on a

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Speaker 5: car in a three and a half hour, you would

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Speaker 5: assume that it would be a lot worse. So I

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Speaker 5: feel like for me that was quite hard to comprehend

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Speaker 5: as well, because when I was looking at my daughter,

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Speaker 5: she looked okay. And when they're telling me, Jess, we

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Speaker 5: can't do anything, we can't help anymore, I'm thinking, well,

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Speaker 5: this is weird, Like you know, I've heard people being

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Speaker 5: in a coma for three weeks and then they come

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Speaker 5: out of it and they're fine. Or she's only three

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Speaker 5: years old. Can teach her how to walk and talk again? Yes,

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Speaker 5: you know, surely there's ways. Our brains, especially in our children,

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Speaker 5: they're constantly growing. Surely there's ways we can help. Yeah.

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Speaker 5: So even twelve months afterwards, I was still researching STEM

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Speaker 5: research and how to fix her. There was physically no

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Speaker 5: way to get her back anymore. So I feel like

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Speaker 5: that's a part of the grief process because you're in

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Speaker 5: survival mode. You've got this devastating loss, and then you're thinking,

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Speaker 5: hold on, I'll try help this way. There is no help,

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Speaker 5: there's no way. But I always like to look at

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Speaker 5: it as like an analogy, where grief is like I

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Speaker 5: look at it as waves instead of stages. So for me,

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Speaker 5: there's times where I'm like, I'm drowning in grief and

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Speaker 5: it feels so heavy and I'm so overwhelmed and i

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Speaker 5: don't know how I'm going to get through this day

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Speaker 5: or this week, and then I think, hold on a

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Speaker 5: sec all I have to do is focus on today Tomorrow.

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Speaker 5: When I wake up, it's a new day. I'll focus

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Speaker 5: on tomorrow when it comes. I'm not worrying about the future.

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Speaker 5: I'm worrying about just working on today and making sure

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Speaker 5: I'm okay.

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Speaker 6: I look at it, it's like I'm swimming to the shore.

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Speaker 5: The waves are hitting me really hard at the moment,

256
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Speaker 5: and then when I feel better, I'm going to swim

257
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Speaker 5: to the shore and I'm going to get a break.

258
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Speaker 5: Because you can't physically feel that much pain forever.

259
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Speaker 6: There has to be a way out.

260
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Speaker 5: And I remember in the early stages, and I feel

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Speaker 5: like this is such a like terrible thing. If anyone's

262
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Speaker 5: listening to say to someone, you know, I'd be like,

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Speaker 5: am I ever going to feel happiness again? And people

264
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Speaker 5: were like, I don't know. I feel like you're going

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Speaker 5: to feel this heavy forever. It's like, no, You're not

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Speaker 5: going to feel this heavy forever. It's so cruel. How

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Speaker 5: can we feel that for our whole life? That's not

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Speaker 5: the way life goes.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 5: There came a time for me where my mentality really shifted,

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Speaker 5: and that was one night I was laying on the couch.

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Speaker 6: I didn't have much sleep for the first like six months.

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Speaker 1: I could imagine I.

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Speaker 6: Was lucky that I had my community. My sister and

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Speaker 6: my twin.

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Speaker 5: Brother moved in with us to the first six months,

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Speaker 5: Timmy's cousin Uppy lived with us as well. My best

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Speaker 5: friend Ash also lived with us, so the house was full,

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Speaker 5: which was lovely. I used to call it the invisible roster.

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Speaker 5: So my friends would be coming and going. They had

281
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Speaker 5: like a secret chat, dropping off meals, and my mom

282
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Speaker 5: would come once a week and clean my house, and

283
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Speaker 5: my son was always looked after. Two of my girlfriend's

284
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Speaker 5: breastfed my son for the first three weeks, which was amazing,

285
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Speaker 5: so beautiful. And when we're in hospital with Lou, I

286
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Speaker 5: would look over and my girlfriend's feeding my son and

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Speaker 5: I love it. There was no it was just like, yes, yes,

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Speaker 5: we say it takes a village to raise a baby,

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Speaker 5: do we mean that in all ass boxs of our

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Speaker 5: life right? If there's a way that you can jump in,

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Speaker 5: jump in. I feel like with this invisible roster, our

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Speaker 5: community is what lifted us through and carried us through.

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Speaker 5: So one night I was laying on the couch and

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Speaker 5: I couldn't sleep. Timmy was asleep, Mars was asleep, and

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Speaker 5: I remember feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin because

296
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Speaker 5: the grief. I felt like it was truly eating me

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Speaker 5: from the inside out, and I couldn't escape it. I

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Speaker 5: remember my skin feeling so itchy. I was like itching

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Speaker 5: my skin and like pulling my hair almost to feel

300
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Speaker 5: a bit of pain on the outside because my pain

301
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Speaker 5: was so bad in the inside. I remember laying there

302
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Speaker 5: and just like screaming to the universe, and Timmy ran

303
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Speaker 5: out and I was like, I cannot physically feel like

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Speaker 5: this forever, I said. I was having this conversation with Timmy,

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Speaker 5: and I was like, I don't want to live anymore.

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Speaker 5: I can't handle this pain for one day longer. And

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Speaker 5: I remember saying to him, I cannot survive this. I

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Speaker 5: was begging him. I was saying to him, I want

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Speaker 5: to have a pack here. I want you to stay

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Speaker 5: with Marzie, and I want you to look after him

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Speaker 5: and give him the life that he deserves. And I

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Speaker 5: want you to let me go and me be with

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Speaker 5: Luna so I can parent her up there and you

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Speaker 5: can parent him down here. And of course, like it

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Speaker 5: sounds like such a wild conversation, it was so true.

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Speaker 5: We're a team. You stay with Marzie, I'll stay with Luna.

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Speaker 5: We have had these conversations on how you know we

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Speaker 5: want our life to unfold for our children. I trust

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Speaker 5: you with him, I'm going to go with lou Let

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Speaker 5: me be with her, and I'll take the reins up there.

321
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Speaker 5: And he was obviously in panic station. He's like, Jess,

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Speaker 5: you can't give up. We need to work on this together.

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Speaker 5: Within like I reckon half an hour, my whole family's

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Speaker 5: at the house. He's obviously sent the y SA tex

325
00:15:05,721 --> 00:15:08,601
Speaker 5: saying like help. I knew back up. It was so

326
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Speaker 5: bizarre because I've never struggled with mental health in my life,

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Speaker 5: and I just felt like there was no way out.

328
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Speaker 5: I couldn't see any happiness in the horizon at all.

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Speaker 5: And my sister came over and we're best friends, my

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Speaker 5: sister and I, and she was saying to me, Jess,

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Speaker 5: I want you to give me twenty four hours. She said,

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Speaker 5: I'm going to book you an appointment with a medium,

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Speaker 5: which is a phone call to heaven. And if this

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00:15:31,841 --> 00:15:35,041
Speaker 5: doesn't change your outlook, she goes, I promise, I'll let

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Speaker 5: you do what you got to do, which is crazy

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Speaker 5: for a sister to say that, right, but I think

337
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Speaker 5: she had so much confidence that she could help even

338
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Speaker 5: actually when my family were having these conversations, it was

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Speaker 5: going in one ear and straight out the other.

340
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Speaker 6: I was off. I was switched off. I was totally numb.

341
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Speaker 2: You're there, but you weren't there exactly right, lights on,

342
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Speaker 2: but no one's home.

343
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Speaker 1: No one was home.

344
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Speaker 5: And I'd already made my mind up. I was like,

345
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Speaker 5: I physically cannot continue this life anymore. I don't believe

346
00:16:01,881 --> 00:16:06,001
Speaker 5: in a god as such, but I've always been quite spiritual. Yeah,

347
00:16:06,081 --> 00:16:08,121
Speaker 5: I believe in a higher power and a bit of magic.

348
00:16:08,241 --> 00:16:10,841
Speaker 5: And I used to always say to Tim, you know,

349
00:16:11,081 --> 00:16:13,401
Speaker 5: green tree frogs are really great. You know, they're like

350
00:16:13,401 --> 00:16:15,841
Speaker 5: a positive energy and they like a spirit guide and

351
00:16:15,881 --> 00:16:18,441
Speaker 5: things like that. And I remember sitting on the couch

352
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,241
Speaker 5: and there was this green tree frog.

353
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Speaker 6: It was literally like the size of a possum.

354
00:16:23,241 --> 00:16:26,241
Speaker 1: It was huge. What it wanted to be seen by? Yeah?

355
00:16:26,001 --> 00:16:27,841
Speaker 5: Yeah, it was bigger than a toad, you know how

356
00:16:27,961 --> 00:16:31,881
Speaker 5: told Yeah, it was like double your massive toad that

357
00:16:31,921 --> 00:16:32,521
Speaker 5: you've ever seen.

358
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Speaker 6: And it was sitting on our glass door right in

359
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Speaker 6: front of us.

360
00:16:36,321 --> 00:16:38,441
Speaker 5: I've always like tried to give it my bit of

361
00:16:38,441 --> 00:16:40,601
Speaker 5: my woo woo, and I feel like it's always never

362
00:16:40,681 --> 00:16:44,321
Speaker 5: really catched where this moment, he's like, babe, look, He's like,

363
00:16:44,401 --> 00:16:46,201
Speaker 5: look at the green tree frog. He's like, lun his here,

364
00:16:46,281 --> 00:16:48,561
Speaker 5: Loun is here, and in the same breath. It kind

365
00:16:48,561 --> 00:16:50,681
Speaker 5: of brought a bit of light because I was like one,

366
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:52,921
Speaker 5: I was like impressed because I'm like he's listening.

367
00:16:53,281 --> 00:16:54,801
Speaker 1: Magic gets catching on. You know.

368
00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:59,201
Speaker 5: Timmy is from New Zealand, where there's no insects, there's

369
00:16:59,281 --> 00:17:02,921
Speaker 5: no like snakes, there's New Zealand. Yeah, so he gets

370
00:17:02,961 --> 00:17:06,401
Speaker 5: frightened over a grasshopper, so he will never touch a frog.

371
00:17:06,481 --> 00:17:07,960
Speaker 5: And he's like, I'll pick the frog up, you can

372
00:17:08,001 --> 00:17:10,321
Speaker 5: sid it on the couch. He's like really in on

373
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Speaker 5: it because he's like desperate at the moment alive. Yeah,

374
00:17:13,561 --> 00:17:14,960
Speaker 5: He's like I need to do if I need to

375
00:17:14,961 --> 00:17:17,400
Speaker 5: pick up this frog toad looking thing, I'm going to

376
00:17:17,481 --> 00:17:19,961
Speaker 5: pick it up and put it on her lap. And

377
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:23,120
Speaker 5: I'll never forget that frog because it gave me a

378
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,400
Speaker 5: bit of thought that like Lou's like, I'm right here, mum,

379
00:17:26,441 --> 00:17:28,761
Speaker 5: I don't have to go anywhere. Yeah, I'm right here.

380
00:17:28,801 --> 00:17:30,840
Speaker 5: I know that life is different for us now, but

381
00:17:31,241 --> 00:17:34,801
Speaker 5: we're still here. And I went to bed that night

382
00:17:34,961 --> 00:17:37,840
Speaker 5: and tim slept with me with his legs wrapped around

383
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,161
Speaker 5: my legs like he was not letting go all night.

384
00:17:40,561 --> 00:17:42,600
Speaker 5: And I woke up in the morning and my sister

385
00:17:42,721 --> 00:17:46,960
Speaker 5: had called at six am, which it's so random for her.

386
00:17:47,041 --> 00:17:49,080
Speaker 5: I'm like, it's almost like she'd shit the bed because

387
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:52,761
Speaker 5: she does not wake up early. She is a night out.

388
00:17:53,481 --> 00:17:56,600
Speaker 5: Everyone was on lookout, everyone was nervous about what's going down.

389
00:17:56,721 --> 00:17:59,881
Speaker 5: So she called me early and said, I've got a

390
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,281
Speaker 5: phone call to Heaven for you tonight at eight o'clock

391
00:18:02,321 --> 00:18:05,961
Speaker 5: with a lady named Hayley, And she honestly saved my life.

392
00:18:06,721 --> 00:18:09,081
Speaker 6: Her name is Haley the Medium online and I.

393
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,720
Speaker 5: Turned up at her house and she was this beautiful

394
00:18:11,761 --> 00:18:14,080
Speaker 5: Kiwi lady as well. It was meant to me for

395
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:16,521
Speaker 5: an hour. She sat with me for three hours. She

396
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:20,321
Speaker 5: knew everything about Luna's accident. She knew everything about Luna's injuries,

397
00:18:20,481 --> 00:18:24,120
Speaker 5: about the driver, about my family, how we reathing. She

398
00:18:24,201 --> 00:18:28,081
Speaker 5: knew absolutely everything. And she taught me about soul contracts.

399
00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:29,000
Speaker 5: Do you guys know much?

400
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,000
Speaker 1: Yeah about them?

401
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:32,761
Speaker 2: Yeahah, I'd love to hearing your words and for anyone

402
00:18:32,761 --> 00:18:33,400
Speaker 2: who's listening.

403
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,321
Speaker 5: Yes, So this is what she said to me, and

404
00:18:35,321 --> 00:18:38,240
Speaker 5: it changed my life. My Luna Bear had a lisp,

405
00:18:38,761 --> 00:18:41,600
Speaker 5: and she was talking to me with a lisp. So

406
00:18:41,761 --> 00:18:44,880
Speaker 5: she's saying, Luna's saying this, and she was talking like

407
00:18:44,921 --> 00:18:47,240
Speaker 5: her normal voice, and then when she would say what

408
00:18:47,321 --> 00:18:48,481
Speaker 5: Luna's saying.

409
00:18:48,441 --> 00:18:49,561
Speaker 6: She would say it with a lisp.

410
00:18:49,681 --> 00:18:52,640
Speaker 5: Wow. I was like, oh wild, no one would know that.

411
00:18:52,721 --> 00:18:55,321
Speaker 5: And I've never met this woman in my life. And

412
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:59,120
Speaker 5: she said to me, Luna's nudging you, saying, Mama, Mama,

413
00:18:59,241 --> 00:19:01,161
Speaker 5: you knew this was going to happen. This was part

414
00:19:01,201 --> 00:19:04,281
Speaker 5: of the plan. Remember you signed the contract. And I'm like,

415
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,600
Speaker 5: I'm like in my head, I'm like, I didn't sign

416
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,720
Speaker 5: no contract, Like why would I sign this contract? And

417
00:19:09,721 --> 00:19:11,841
Speaker 5: then she was telling me that Luna and I were

418
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,680
Speaker 5: twin sisters in our previous life, mother and daughter in

419
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,920
Speaker 5: this life, and then we have one more life together

420
00:19:16,961 --> 00:19:21,400
Speaker 5: after this Wow, like wow. And she told me all

421
00:19:21,441 --> 00:19:24,321
Speaker 5: about soul contracts and then when we come to Earth,

422
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,640
Speaker 5: we get a contract and our life is already planned out.

423
00:19:27,961 --> 00:19:30,761
Speaker 5: When they say like everything happens for a reason, it

424
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,920
Speaker 5: truly does. With lose accident, if it wasn't going to

425
00:19:33,961 --> 00:19:36,080
Speaker 5: happen that day, it would have happened another day, or

426
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,640
Speaker 5: maybe it would have happened. We used to go to

427
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,321
Speaker 5: Wett and Wild three times a week after Kindie. It's like,

428
00:19:40,481 --> 00:19:42,640
Speaker 5: would it have happened then in front of the whole

429
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,121
Speaker 5: of the Gold Coast and it would have been more

430
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,680
Speaker 5: traumatizing for everybody else. It's like, when it's your time,

431
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,440
Speaker 5: it's your time, and you can't change that.

432
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,120
Speaker 6: You've already signed that contract.

433
00:19:52,201 --> 00:19:54,840
Speaker 5: We come in and we leave and we just don't

434
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,801
Speaker 5: know when, and all of us it's the same.

435
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,840
Speaker 6: Like for me, I'm a twin so I've got a

436
00:19:58,880 --> 00:19:59,840
Speaker 6: twin brother, so wow.

437
00:19:59,921 --> 00:20:01,761
Speaker 5: I always say like I came in with a buddy,

438
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,160
Speaker 5: but nine times out of ten, I'm leaving alone.

439
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:05,281
Speaker 1: Yeah.

440
00:20:05,481 --> 00:20:08,321
Speaker 5: I talk about like time is borrowed, it's not promised,

441
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:11,400
Speaker 5: and it's so true. And I think when I left

442
00:20:11,441 --> 00:20:14,641
Speaker 5: that night, I felt like I had a little bit

443
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:17,881
Speaker 5: of life in me again, because I was like, Okay, well,

444
00:20:17,921 --> 00:20:20,640
Speaker 5: I can kind of comprehend what's going on here. I

445
00:20:20,681 --> 00:20:23,400
Speaker 5: can think about this as women, we are trying to

446
00:20:23,441 --> 00:20:26,441
Speaker 5: piece all these puzzle together. And because I wasn't there

447
00:20:26,481 --> 00:20:29,440
Speaker 5: on the day, there were so many unanswered questions for me,

448
00:20:30,241 --> 00:20:33,201
Speaker 5: and because my partner was so traumatized when I would

449
00:20:33,201 --> 00:20:36,601
Speaker 5: ask him things. It was always one word replies or

450
00:20:36,761 --> 00:20:39,200
Speaker 5: like as females, I need to play.

451
00:20:38,921 --> 00:20:41,680
Speaker 1: By pales every day. Detail.

452
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,840
Speaker 6: Tell me what she ate in the morning, what was

453
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,240
Speaker 6: she wearing, this, this, and that?

454
00:20:45,281 --> 00:20:47,521
Speaker 1: Where were you? Where was this person? What was happening?

455
00:20:48,001 --> 00:20:50,600
Speaker 5: Tell me what they said to you, Like I really

456
00:20:50,681 --> 00:20:52,961
Speaker 5: need but I didn't have that, So that was really

457
00:20:53,001 --> 00:20:55,721
Speaker 5: hard for me to comprehend what.

458
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,160
Speaker 1: Was happening, like I need more, I need more. I

459
00:20:58,241 --> 00:20:59,241
Speaker 1: do Yeah.

460
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,321
Speaker 5: I felt like after that conversation with Haley, it changed

461
00:21:02,321 --> 00:21:05,480
Speaker 5: my whole perspective of life as a whole. So what

462
00:21:05,521 --> 00:21:07,440
Speaker 5: I did was I came back to my house that

463
00:21:07,561 --> 00:21:10,360
Speaker 5: night and I thought, I've got two options here. I

464
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,960
Speaker 5: give up, and then I have a little boy that

465
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,681
Speaker 5: forever is going to think that he wasn't loved enough

466
00:21:15,721 --> 00:21:18,200
Speaker 5: to keep his mommy, which was too much for me

467
00:21:18,241 --> 00:21:22,241
Speaker 5: to carry. And he deserved his mum there, he deserved

468
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:25,521
Speaker 5: the best version of me. So the only other option

469
00:21:25,561 --> 00:21:28,641
Speaker 5: to that was to dig deep and fine purpose. So

470
00:21:28,801 --> 00:21:31,400
Speaker 5: I sat there until about three in the morning and

471
00:21:31,441 --> 00:21:33,640
Speaker 5: wrote a bucket list. And I thought, I'm going to

472
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,121
Speaker 5: write a bucket list of everything I want to do

473
00:21:36,321 --> 00:21:40,241
Speaker 5: in this lifetime. I also wrote an end date because

474
00:21:40,281 --> 00:21:42,360
Speaker 5: I thought I wasn't out of the clear. I was

475
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,321
Speaker 5: still struggling, right, but I thought, I'm going to give

476
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:47,640
Speaker 5: myself ten years. I'm an angel numbers.

477
00:21:47,441 --> 00:21:49,521
Speaker 6: Person, so I said, I feel like it's in my

478
00:21:49,521 --> 00:21:50,041
Speaker 6: phone somewhere.

479
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:53,400
Speaker 5: It's like eleven eleven thirty three, twenty thirty three, and

480
00:21:53,441 --> 00:21:54,761
Speaker 5: I'm like, that's my end date.

481
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,440
Speaker 6: That's what I'm going to go to.

482
00:21:56,801 --> 00:21:59,640
Speaker 5: And it's so funny because I wrote this bucket list

483
00:21:59,681 --> 00:22:02,000
Speaker 5: and I thought, I'm going to set my son up

484
00:22:02,041 --> 00:22:02,840
Speaker 5: for the best life.

485
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:03,880
Speaker 1: So he's okay, I'm.

486
00:22:03,721 --> 00:22:05,920
Speaker 5: Going to give him everything that I've got, and I'm

487
00:22:05,961 --> 00:22:07,480
Speaker 5: going to promise Lou that I'm going to get to

488
00:22:07,481 --> 00:22:10,600
Speaker 5: her when the time is right. And I went to

489
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,161
Speaker 5: my therapist a couple of days later and I told

490
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,200
Speaker 5: her about what i'd done. But I'd also told my

491
00:22:15,321 --> 00:22:17,600
Speaker 5: mum prior that I wrote this end date and stuff,

492
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,681
Speaker 5: and she was crying and she was like, oh my god,

493
00:22:20,041 --> 00:22:22,201
Speaker 5: this is terrible, Like what do you mean you wrote

494
00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:25,080
Speaker 5: an end date? When I told my therapist, she goes

495
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:27,440
Speaker 5: to me, that's amazing, and I said, pardon.

496
00:22:27,521 --> 00:22:28,720
Speaker 6: She's like thank you.

497
00:22:28,801 --> 00:22:30,801
Speaker 5: She's like, that means I've got ten years to work

498
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,600
Speaker 5: with you to get your head space in the right way.

499
00:22:33,961 --> 00:22:36,001
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, that's why we have therapists.

500
00:22:36,761 --> 00:22:39,401
Speaker 5: And I was like, Yo, what a great acun deal

501
00:22:39,561 --> 00:22:42,561
Speaker 5: where my family's like, oh my god, this is awful again. Yeah,

502
00:22:43,721 --> 00:22:46,161
Speaker 5: ten years, we need a value intervention. Yeah.

503
00:22:46,201 --> 00:22:47,561
Speaker 1: Yeah, everyone's phone's going off.

504
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:51,121
Speaker 5: But for my therapist, mon she's like, no, no, I've

505
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,721
Speaker 5: got ten years. I can work with this.

506
00:22:52,921 --> 00:22:53,281
Speaker 1: Yeah.

507
00:22:53,441 --> 00:22:56,760
Speaker 5: And I feel like Haley saved my life with that

508
00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,161
Speaker 5: one conversation. And then I went and saw Monique weekly,

509
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:04,041
Speaker 5: sometimes twice a week. We had couples counseling, individual counseling,

510
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,201
Speaker 5: and it was exactly what I needed. But I also

511
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:10,241
Speaker 5: needed to realize that there was no quick fixed to grief.

512
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,041
Speaker 5: No one was going to give me this magic wand

513
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,041
Speaker 5: and heal me. I had to do the physical work,

514
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:20,801
Speaker 5: and that work sometimes was really hard, when other days

515
00:23:20,801 --> 00:23:23,561
Speaker 5: it was just waking up and having a shower. And

516
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:27,681
Speaker 5: I feel like that's really important because you don't need

517
00:23:27,721 --> 00:23:30,440
Speaker 5: to just keep going and going. And life is about

518
00:23:30,481 --> 00:23:32,080
Speaker 5: being in this constant rat race.

519
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:32,280
Speaker 2: Right.

520
00:23:32,321 --> 00:23:35,241
Speaker 5: We're always in a rush. We're always what's next, what's next?

521
00:23:35,281 --> 00:23:36,881
Speaker 5: This is coming up? We have to be ready by

522
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,200
Speaker 5: this time, and I felt like for me, it's like

523
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,401
Speaker 5: was such a reminder that time is borrowed and now

524
00:23:42,441 --> 00:23:45,641
Speaker 5: I just run my own race. Sometimes I'm late nine

525
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:46,241
Speaker 5: times out of dead.

526
00:23:46,241 --> 00:23:47,001
Speaker 1: I'm just really late.

527
00:23:47,201 --> 00:23:49,561
Speaker 5: But that's as well because I'm like, I don't want

528
00:23:49,561 --> 00:23:52,680
Speaker 5: to start my day like in a negative sort of emotion,

529
00:23:52,961 --> 00:23:55,601
Speaker 5: or I don't want to feel stressed, because really all

530
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,400
Speaker 5: this extra stuff it means nothing, you know. And I

531
00:23:58,441 --> 00:24:01,000
Speaker 5: think even there was times where I was like begging

532
00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:03,481
Speaker 5: the universe for Lunar back. I'm like, you can have everything,

533
00:24:04,041 --> 00:24:06,840
Speaker 5: take my car, take my house, shave my head. You know,

534
00:24:06,961 --> 00:24:08,761
Speaker 5: for us women to say like shave our head, it

535
00:24:08,801 --> 00:24:11,360
Speaker 5: sounds funny, but it's like, take our whole identity, give

536
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,521
Speaker 5: me lou back. I'd rather live under a bridge and

537
00:24:13,561 --> 00:24:16,041
Speaker 5: a tent than live this life if I have my

538
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,441
Speaker 5: family with me and everyone's safe. And I think that's

539
00:24:19,481 --> 00:24:22,720
Speaker 5: what really prospective and purpose comes hand in hand, because

540
00:24:23,201 --> 00:24:26,321
Speaker 5: you can have everything, but if you lose someone so precious,

541
00:24:26,321 --> 00:24:29,440
Speaker 5: like your child, you would give anything to have them back.

542
00:24:29,761 --> 00:24:31,880
Speaker 6: And I think that's really important.

543
00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:36,001
Speaker 5: As everyday people to realize that don't sweat the small stuff.

544
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:37,041
Speaker 6: It's really nothing.

545
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,881
Speaker 5: If you're going home every night and you know, I'll

546
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,721
Speaker 5: say to him, there's times now, you know, where business

547
00:24:42,761 --> 00:24:45,161
Speaker 5: is stressful or life is stressful, and I'll say to him,

548
00:24:45,521 --> 00:24:47,561
Speaker 5: we are so much more rich than what we think.

549
00:24:48,041 --> 00:24:50,041
Speaker 5: We've got a roof over our head, we have food

550
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,120
Speaker 5: in the cupboard, we have our son here on the

551
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,161
Speaker 5: couch with us, and we have fuel in the car

552
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,921
Speaker 5: to get to work. Like how lucky are we were

553
00:24:56,961 --> 00:24:59,600
Speaker 5: one step up then everybody else. You know, there's other

554
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,120
Speaker 5: people that are dealing with life a lot worse. And

555
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,401
Speaker 5: I think if we look at life like that, it's

556
00:25:05,481 --> 00:25:08,241
Speaker 5: just a journey and we have to just sometimes take

557
00:25:08,281 --> 00:25:12,801
Speaker 5: some really dark cards, and within that darkness, happiness will

558
00:25:12,801 --> 00:25:16,481
Speaker 5: always come back. If you're digging for purpose, happiness has

559
00:25:16,521 --> 00:25:18,561
Speaker 5: to come back. It's so cruel not to write yes.

560
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:21,561
Speaker 5: And I would look at myself. I'm like, why me.

561
00:25:21,721 --> 00:25:24,160
Speaker 5: I'm a good mum, I'm a good partner, you know,

562
00:25:24,201 --> 00:25:25,561
Speaker 5: I do things for the community.

563
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:26,600
Speaker 6: I'm a good person.

564
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:27,561
Speaker 1: Why me?

565
00:25:27,801 --> 00:25:30,200
Speaker 5: But that's just a part of life. We sign that

566
00:25:30,281 --> 00:25:33,241
Speaker 5: soul contract something I like to think of it as.

567
00:25:33,321 --> 00:25:35,400
Speaker 5: And it might be a little bit wild. Say the

568
00:25:35,521 --> 00:25:37,681
Speaker 5: army came in here, right and three of us, we're

569
00:25:37,721 --> 00:25:40,121
Speaker 5: familiar with each other, right, so we're like, would form

570
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:42,801
Speaker 5: an alliance because it'd be like us three keeping together,

571
00:25:43,241 --> 00:25:44,080
Speaker 5: be like girl code.

572
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:47,321
Speaker 1: If someone ships as if someone steals this, we're.

573
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,840
Speaker 5: Together, right, We're like, we'll pick up an action plan

574
00:25:49,921 --> 00:25:52,561
Speaker 5: to escape.

575
00:25:53,441 --> 00:25:54,360
Speaker 1: Then motherfucker's gone.

576
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,680
Speaker 5: Yeah, I said, because we'd form an alliance. And I

577
00:25:57,721 --> 00:26:00,961
Speaker 5: feel like with life, I feel like when I was

578
00:26:01,041 --> 00:26:03,801
Speaker 5: up in say Heaven, for argument's sake, maybe I was

579
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,600
Speaker 5: up there for like five hundred years, living my best life,

580
00:26:07,041 --> 00:26:10,001
Speaker 5: and then someone walks around God or whoever you may think,

581
00:26:10,041 --> 00:26:11,480
Speaker 5: maybe in charge with his folder.

582
00:26:11,921 --> 00:26:14,921
Speaker 6: He's like, right, Jess, your turn, You're coming on down.

583
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,440
Speaker 5: I'm like, no way, you ready. I'm in the mal Dives, Baby,

584
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,680
Speaker 5: I'm not going down there. And they've said, nah, you

585
00:26:21,721 --> 00:26:24,041
Speaker 5: need to come. And I'm up there with my twin sister, Luna,

586
00:26:24,521 --> 00:26:27,321
Speaker 5: and we have an alliance. So they've said you've got

587
00:26:27,321 --> 00:26:29,521
Speaker 5: to come down, and I'm like, all right, well is

588
00:26:29,561 --> 00:26:32,001
Speaker 5: Luna coming? And they said no, Na, no, You've already

589
00:26:32,001 --> 00:26:34,160
Speaker 5: got your new life here. This is it. And I

590
00:26:34,241 --> 00:26:37,081
Speaker 5: would have bartered to have her on my life contract

591
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:38,721
Speaker 5: because I was said, nah.

592
00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:40,561
Speaker 1: That's my right or die. That's my girl.

593
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:43,521
Speaker 5: She needs to come and maybe I've swindled my way

594
00:26:43,561 --> 00:26:45,801
Speaker 5: in and I've said, all right, I'll go down there

595
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,240
Speaker 5: and I'll accept all these challenges that you've got for

596
00:26:48,321 --> 00:26:50,801
Speaker 5: me only if I take her. And they would have said,

597
00:26:50,801 --> 00:26:52,801
Speaker 5: all right, you can have her, but you can only

598
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,201
Speaker 5: have her for three and a half years, and when

599
00:26:55,241 --> 00:26:57,520
Speaker 5: we take her back, don't complain about it.

600
00:26:57,961 --> 00:27:00,000
Speaker 6: And I think I would have said, yeah, I'll do it.

601
00:27:00,201 --> 00:27:02,120
Speaker 1: I'll take that over not having her one percent.

602
00:27:02,441 --> 00:27:04,481
Speaker 5: I would one hundred percent take those three and a

603
00:27:04,521 --> 00:27:07,521
Speaker 5: half years and have no years. I've got three siblings,

604
00:27:07,521 --> 00:27:10,561
Speaker 5: don't have any children. Luna was our first grandchild in

605
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,880
Speaker 5: our family. My parents have four kids, two grandchildren, Luna

606
00:27:13,921 --> 00:27:17,080
Speaker 5: and Mars. And I feel like, of course I would

607
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:20,161
Speaker 5: take that. People say to me now, they say, Jess,

608
00:27:20,201 --> 00:27:22,201
Speaker 5: if you could rewind the clock, would.

609
00:27:22,001 --> 00:27:24,640
Speaker 6: You go back to that time? And I say absolutely not.

610
00:27:25,321 --> 00:27:28,200
Speaker 5: And that's because I felt like I was naive when

611
00:27:28,201 --> 00:27:29,761
Speaker 5: I lost lou because I didn't know what I was

612
00:27:29,801 --> 00:27:32,600
Speaker 5: in for, Whereas now I know, I know what the

613
00:27:32,681 --> 00:27:34,840
Speaker 5: last four and a half years has taken me to

614
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:37,721
Speaker 5: get through, and I think every day forward is one

615
00:27:37,801 --> 00:27:40,561
Speaker 5: day closer to giving her back to me. So I'm

616
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,920
Speaker 5: happy for that. I'm four and a half years ahead

617
00:27:42,921 --> 00:27:46,201
Speaker 5: than I was four years ago, and that's a really

618
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:48,200
Speaker 5: great way to look at it. It's like I'm moving

619
00:27:48,201 --> 00:27:51,441
Speaker 5: forward every single day, and while I'm here, I make

620
00:27:51,481 --> 00:27:54,440
Speaker 5: sure that I have the most beautiful life. I do

621
00:27:54,521 --> 00:27:57,281
Speaker 5: the absolute best that I can for myself, for my family,

622
00:27:57,360 --> 00:28:00,080
Speaker 5: for my son, and when death knocks me on the shoulder,

623
00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:02,360
Speaker 5: which one day it will, like all of us, I'll

624
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:04,761
Speaker 5: be ready. And when I'm sitting up there with Luna Bear,

625
00:28:04,801 --> 00:28:07,721
Speaker 5: I have no regrets because I will be like I've

626
00:28:07,721 --> 00:28:10,121
Speaker 5: done everything I can, like I've set my family up,

627
00:28:10,321 --> 00:28:13,160
Speaker 5: and that doesn't mean financially or it doesn't mean in

628
00:28:13,201 --> 00:28:16,281
Speaker 5: the physical terms of I've given them the best of me.

629
00:28:16,961 --> 00:28:20,041
Speaker 5: And that's my time, my presence, my love, my laughter.

630
00:28:20,521 --> 00:28:23,201
Speaker 5: That's what we all need with human connection, right.

631
00:28:24,721 --> 00:28:26,961
Speaker 6: Yeah, Oh my gosh, it's incredible everything you've said.

632
00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:29,600
Speaker 5: When we got told that lou wasn't going to make

633
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:33,281
Speaker 5: it anymore, I said to my girlfriends, you need to

634
00:28:33,721 --> 00:28:35,840
Speaker 5: go to Spotlight and get a heap of balloons.

635
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:36,960
Speaker 1: We need music.

636
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:39,401
Speaker 5: I want my girlfriend Lizzie, who flew up from Melbourne.

637
00:28:39,441 --> 00:28:41,201
Speaker 5: I said, you need to go to my house. Bring

638
00:28:41,241 --> 00:28:43,761
Speaker 5: a douner up, bring all her teddies and a dancing

639
00:28:43,801 --> 00:28:45,841
Speaker 5: shoes and a dancing dresses. We're going to deck this

640
00:28:45,921 --> 00:28:48,801
Speaker 5: room out like it's her bedroom. And everyone was kind

641
00:28:48,801 --> 00:28:51,321
Speaker 5: of looking like, is she serious. I'm like, if this

642
00:28:51,361 --> 00:28:54,601
Speaker 5: is Loo's like place, we need to make sure it

643
00:28:54,721 --> 00:28:57,881
Speaker 5: exactly looks like her and it feels like home. So

644
00:28:58,241 --> 00:29:00,921
Speaker 5: within maybe two hours, the room was covered in balloons.

645
00:29:01,001 --> 00:29:04,401
Speaker 5: It was like a paradise. It was beautiful. Her douna

646
00:29:04,521 --> 00:29:08,161
Speaker 5: was there, her dresses and her dancing medals are around.

647
00:29:08,361 --> 00:29:11,161
Speaker 5: It really felt like a beautiful place that lou would love.

648
00:29:11,201 --> 00:29:13,201
Speaker 5: Her teddies were everywhere, so beautiful.

649
00:29:13,321 --> 00:29:15,521
Speaker 1: She had a night light. I forgot about that.

650
00:29:15,561 --> 00:29:18,121
Speaker 5: She had a little lion night light that she used

651
00:29:18,121 --> 00:29:20,521
Speaker 5: to sleep with, and we actually used that to go

652
00:29:20,681 --> 00:29:23,241
Speaker 5: under her tubes to lean, so she had her little

653
00:29:23,281 --> 00:29:26,721
Speaker 5: lion bed with her all the time. We painted her nails,

654
00:29:26,921 --> 00:29:29,921
Speaker 5: we brushed her hair, We made her ready so when

655
00:29:29,961 --> 00:29:33,201
Speaker 5: she went off she was looking her best. She was feeling.

656
00:29:33,401 --> 00:29:36,961
Speaker 5: But yeah, I think that was really lovely. We had

657
00:29:37,001 --> 00:29:38,161
Speaker 5: one of Tim's uncles coming in.

658
00:29:39,081 --> 00:29:39,681
Speaker 1: It was lovely.

659
00:29:40,041 --> 00:29:44,200
Speaker 5: Yeah, this is the thing, it's right. We celebrate birthdays.

660
00:29:44,801 --> 00:29:47,081
Speaker 5: We celebrate when we come here, but we don't celebrate

661
00:29:47,121 --> 00:29:49,641
Speaker 5: when we leave. Why not. It's like, why don't we

662
00:29:49,681 --> 00:29:53,081
Speaker 5: celebrate death. It's so taboo, no one talks about it.

663
00:29:53,561 --> 00:29:55,841
Speaker 5: But for me, it's like, if this is my baby's

664
00:29:55,841 --> 00:29:59,281
Speaker 5: time and she's leaving, let's celebrate her time here. Why

665
00:29:59,361 --> 00:30:02,001
Speaker 5: she's here, Let's have a party. Most three and a

666
00:30:02,041 --> 00:30:06,200
Speaker 5: half year olds, they're all about parties. Luna, she used

667
00:30:06,241 --> 00:30:10,440
Speaker 5: to say, the attention on me, and she used to

668
00:30:10,441 --> 00:30:12,720
Speaker 5: say to me as well, you know, say, if she

669
00:30:12,801 --> 00:30:14,921
Speaker 5: didn't get something, she'd say, well, you're not my best

670
00:30:14,961 --> 00:30:18,081
Speaker 5: friend anymore. You're not invited to my party. And I've

671
00:30:18,121 --> 00:30:20,001
Speaker 5: been like, hold on a second, I'm organizing.

672
00:30:21,001 --> 00:30:22,161
Speaker 1: I'm fucking party.

673
00:30:22,361 --> 00:30:26,161
Speaker 5: But so I knew she needed a party. Yeah, So

674
00:30:26,481 --> 00:30:28,960
Speaker 5: little things like that for me were a no brainer,

675
00:30:29,081 --> 00:30:31,960
Speaker 5: because it's like Bo's mum. I need it on her

676
00:30:32,041 --> 00:30:32,720
Speaker 5: the right way.

677
00:30:32,961 --> 00:30:33,801
Speaker 1: I know what she needs.

678
00:30:33,921 --> 00:30:36,521
Speaker 5: She needs a party. He wants a party, you know.

679
00:30:37,281 --> 00:30:39,280
Speaker 5: And so Tim's uncle came in with a guitar and

680
00:30:39,281 --> 00:30:42,361
Speaker 5: we were singing lots of songs, and we brought a

681
00:30:42,361 --> 00:30:44,361
Speaker 5: lot of picture books in him. We were reading to her.

682
00:30:44,801 --> 00:30:46,441
Speaker 5: Even I don't know if you know this. But even

683
00:30:46,521 --> 00:30:50,041
Speaker 5: when the brain stops, it still absorbs information. I think

684
00:30:50,081 --> 00:30:55,161
Speaker 5: for five days after so my partner being Mary, we actually.

685
00:30:54,921 --> 00:30:57,481
Speaker 6: Bought Lou home to our house, so she came home.

686
00:30:57,521 --> 00:30:59,720
Speaker 5: I think it was for about eight days because of

687
00:30:59,841 --> 00:31:02,801
Speaker 5: the Christmas New Year time. That's part of Mauric culture,

688
00:31:02,801 --> 00:31:04,961
Speaker 5: isn't it is, Yeah, you bring them back to the house.

689
00:31:05,121 --> 00:31:08,200
Speaker 5: So she was embalmed and then brought back to our house.

690
00:31:08,321 --> 00:31:12,280
Speaker 5: And I remember at the start, I'm Australian, so we

691
00:31:12,321 --> 00:31:15,161
Speaker 5: don't do anything like that, and I was actually quite fearful.

692
00:31:15,761 --> 00:31:17,601
Speaker 5: We till go back to my parents' house, which is

693
00:31:17,641 --> 00:31:20,681
Speaker 5: actually my childhood home. There was a couple of reasons

694
00:31:20,681 --> 00:31:24,321
Speaker 5: around that too, because obviously Timmy was traumatized to go

695
00:31:24,401 --> 00:31:28,441
Speaker 5: back to that house yea, and also lunus things were everywhere,

696
00:31:28,521 --> 00:31:30,601
Speaker 5: so we didn't want anyone to go there and move

697
00:31:30,641 --> 00:31:33,121
Speaker 5: any of her things, and I wanted.

698
00:31:32,881 --> 00:31:34,081
Speaker 6: That to be sacred.

699
00:31:34,161 --> 00:31:36,521
Speaker 5: It was like it almost turned into like our church

700
00:31:36,641 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 5: because it was her safe place. So he brought her

701
00:31:39,441 --> 00:31:42,681
Speaker 5: back to Mum and dads and I remember saying to Timmy,

702
00:31:42,721 --> 00:31:45,241
Speaker 5: I don't actually know if I can handle bringing her

703
00:31:45,281 --> 00:31:48,001
Speaker 5: back home, And he said to me, how about we

704
00:31:48,081 --> 00:31:50,761
Speaker 5: just try it out and if you feel uncomfortable about it,

705
00:31:50,801 --> 00:31:51,361
Speaker 5: we'll take her.

706
00:31:51,361 --> 00:31:51,641
Speaker 1: Allay?

707
00:31:52,121 --> 00:31:54,881
Speaker 5: And I said all right, And honestly, it was the

708
00:31:54,921 --> 00:31:58,641
Speaker 5: most beautiful thing of my life. And if anyone ever

709
00:31:58,681 --> 00:32:02,041
Speaker 5: loses a family member or someone special to them, bring

710
00:32:02,081 --> 00:32:02,521
Speaker 5: them home.

711
00:32:02,601 --> 00:32:05,361
Speaker 6: You don't have to have a culture. They're your person, right.

712
00:32:05,841 --> 00:32:08,721
Speaker 5: There was a lot of times where the hospital like, okay,

713
00:32:08,761 --> 00:32:09,361
Speaker 5: we do it this way.

714
00:32:09,401 --> 00:32:11,161
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no thanks.

715
00:32:11,161 --> 00:32:13,481
Speaker 5: That's my daughter, you know. For example, just to round

716
00:32:13,521 --> 00:32:15,841
Speaker 5: the clock a little bit. When I turned the life

717
00:32:15,881 --> 00:32:18,521
Speaker 5: support off for lou it was at nine oh three

718
00:32:18,801 --> 00:32:21,601
Speaker 5: at night, and I said to them, okay, so what

719
00:32:21,721 --> 00:32:24,081
Speaker 5: happens now? And they said, all right, well we'll take

720
00:32:24,121 --> 00:32:26,721
Speaker 5: her to the morgue and then we'll do an autopsy.

721
00:32:26,321 --> 00:32:28,521
Speaker 6: Tomorrow and blah blah blah. And I'm like, nah, you're

722
00:32:28,561 --> 00:32:29,041
Speaker 6: not doing that.

723
00:32:29,041 --> 00:32:31,321
Speaker 5: They're like pardon, and I'm like, if the morgue's closed,

724
00:32:31,361 --> 00:32:32,521
Speaker 5: there's no one working there.

725
00:32:32,721 --> 00:32:35,361
Speaker 1: My girl's staying with me. And they were like huh.

726
00:32:35,401 --> 00:32:37,281
Speaker 5: And so I said, okay, so what I need you

727
00:32:37,321 --> 00:32:38,681
Speaker 5: guys to do? I said, we need a couple of

728
00:32:38,681 --> 00:32:42,000
Speaker 5: beds because me, my partner my brother and my sister.

729
00:32:42,481 --> 00:32:44,281
Speaker 5: We're going to stay here tonight and we're going to

730
00:32:44,321 --> 00:32:46,801
Speaker 5: stay with Luna for her last night, and we're going

731
00:32:46,841 --> 00:32:48,601
Speaker 5: to have a slumber party. And I see you and

732
00:32:48,641 --> 00:32:50,720
Speaker 5: she was like, oh, we've never really done this before.

733
00:32:51,001 --> 00:32:52,480
Speaker 5: I'm like, well, no, we have welcome.

734
00:32:52,641 --> 00:32:53,961
Speaker 1: I'm like, go speak to who have you got to

735
00:32:53,961 --> 00:32:54,281
Speaker 1: speak to?

736
00:32:54,321 --> 00:32:58,121
Speaker 5: Because I ain't leaving. Leaving Yeah, my partner's got a van,

737
00:32:58,201 --> 00:33:00,161
Speaker 5: and we always have a joke, you know, we're saying

738
00:33:00,161 --> 00:33:02,201
Speaker 5: to them, We're like, there's little things that we want

739
00:33:02,241 --> 00:33:03,721
Speaker 5: to do. If we can't do it, we'll throw in

740
00:33:03,761 --> 00:33:06,561
Speaker 5: the van and we'll take it home. Just because your

741
00:33:06,641 --> 00:33:09,681
Speaker 5: child has passed or a family member's pass the hospital don't.

742
00:33:09,441 --> 00:33:10,921
Speaker 6: Own them, the government don't own them.

743
00:33:10,961 --> 00:33:14,001
Speaker 5: They're still our babies, they're still our person we call

744
00:33:14,081 --> 00:33:14,881
Speaker 5: the shots. Right.

745
00:33:15,321 --> 00:33:16,881
Speaker 6: So I said, no, no, we're going to stay here.

746
00:33:17,121 --> 00:33:19,841
Speaker 5: But it ended up being really beautiful because we got

747
00:33:19,881 --> 00:33:21,841
Speaker 5: lou changed. I got to sleep with her in my

748
00:33:21,961 --> 00:33:25,721
Speaker 5: arms all night. My siblings were there, the nurses were beautiful.

749
00:33:26,121 --> 00:33:30,001
Speaker 5: We built this really like family unit with the nurses

750
00:33:30,041 --> 00:33:32,881
Speaker 5: as well, Like they're in there with us sleeping because.

751
00:33:32,641 --> 00:33:33,520
Speaker 6: They're on night shifts.

752
00:33:33,521 --> 00:33:36,641
Speaker 5: So they're like talking, we're telling stories, showing videos, and

753
00:33:36,961 --> 00:33:39,001
Speaker 5: it was just really beautiful to have that.

754
00:33:39,561 --> 00:33:42,041
Speaker 1: And then in the morning, we washed.

755
00:33:41,801 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 5: Her, combed her hair, painted her nails, put a new

756
00:33:44,441 --> 00:33:46,721
Speaker 5: outfit on for her, fresh nickers, all of that sort

757
00:33:46,761 --> 00:33:49,761
Speaker 5: of stuff. And I remember the nurses just standing there

758
00:33:49,761 --> 00:33:52,521
Speaker 5: with tears down their face and they're like, we've never

759
00:33:52,561 --> 00:33:55,480
Speaker 5: seen a family advocate for their child quite like you have,

760
00:33:55,801 --> 00:33:58,361
Speaker 5: which I thought was really lovely. But for me, I

761
00:33:58,481 --> 00:34:01,721
Speaker 5: was like, this is so normal. I would any other way.

762
00:34:01,881 --> 00:34:03,841
Speaker 6: This is what we have to do. That's my child.

763
00:34:03,881 --> 00:34:06,601
Speaker 5: And when it was time for her to go to

764
00:34:06,641 --> 00:34:09,121
Speaker 5: the morgue, they said, all right, Jess, what we're going

765
00:34:09,161 --> 00:34:10,801
Speaker 5: to do is we're going to put a sheet over her.

766
00:34:11,041 --> 00:34:12,960
Speaker 5: And then two people come and they walk her down.

767
00:34:13,041 --> 00:34:14,921
Speaker 5: I said no, no, no, I said no. She goes

768
00:34:14,921 --> 00:34:18,081
Speaker 5: over Loo's face and I walk her down and they're like, oh,

769
00:34:18,121 --> 00:34:20,281
Speaker 5: we've never had a family walk their child to the morgue.

770
00:34:20,321 --> 00:34:23,000
Speaker 5: I said, well, now you have the day. Yeah, I said,

771
00:34:23,161 --> 00:34:25,401
Speaker 5: I brought my baby in and I'll take my baby out.

772
00:34:25,481 --> 00:34:28,201
Speaker 5: I said, she comes with me and we take her down.

773
00:34:28,321 --> 00:34:30,641
Speaker 5: So they're like same thing there, like, oh, we haven't

774
00:34:30,641 --> 00:34:32,641
Speaker 5: done this before. I'm like, okay, go chat to your boss,

775
00:34:32,721 --> 00:34:33,601
Speaker 5: let him know what's going on.

776
00:34:33,761 --> 00:34:34,401
Speaker 1: Is happening.

777
00:34:34,561 --> 00:34:38,961
Speaker 5: Yeah, And so they said, you know, with a child,

778
00:34:39,121 --> 00:34:42,961
Speaker 5: we normally cover them because if anyone else sees them

779
00:34:42,961 --> 00:34:44,481
Speaker 5: in the hospital. I'm like, well, it's not really my

780
00:34:44,601 --> 00:34:47,441
Speaker 5: issue if it God sees her and you're not putting

781
00:34:47,441 --> 00:34:49,921
Speaker 5: anything over her face. So let's see how this can work.

782
00:34:49,961 --> 00:34:52,681
Speaker 5: And they were so great. They ended up taking us

783
00:34:52,721 --> 00:34:54,921
Speaker 5: through the staff way, and you know how like in

784
00:34:54,961 --> 00:34:56,361
Speaker 5: the movies you see all.

785
00:34:56,281 --> 00:34:58,641
Speaker 1: The staff line up in the corridors. Yeah, they all

786
00:34:58,641 --> 00:34:59,441
Speaker 1: lined up for.

787
00:34:59,321 --> 00:35:02,401
Speaker 5: Her and we put all the balloons around her bed,

788
00:35:02,441 --> 00:35:04,361
Speaker 5: so it was like a chariot and we had a

789
00:35:04,441 --> 00:35:05,201
Speaker 5: blanket there.

790
00:35:05,161 --> 00:35:06,241
Speaker 1: And she just looked perfect.

791
00:35:06,321 --> 00:35:07,601
Speaker 6: She looked absolutely lovely.

792
00:35:07,641 --> 00:35:10,401
Speaker 5: And I remember the two wateries came to get her,

793
00:35:10,841 --> 00:35:12,881
Speaker 5: and obviously they weren't allowed to touch her because we're like,

794
00:35:12,961 --> 00:35:14,441
Speaker 5: it's all right, we'll take her down, and they just

795
00:35:14,481 --> 00:35:17,681
Speaker 5: stood there, but I remember them just having tears coming down,

796
00:35:17,761 --> 00:35:19,601
Speaker 5: and the lady was sobbing, and she was saying to

797
00:35:19,641 --> 00:35:21,960
Speaker 5: me like, this is really powerful what you guys are doing,

798
00:35:22,041 --> 00:35:25,161
Speaker 5: because how beautiful for her to feel so supported the

799
00:35:25,161 --> 00:35:28,641
Speaker 5: whole way through the hospital was so amazing. They actually

800
00:35:28,681 --> 00:35:31,121
Speaker 5: shut the walk down for three hours so it was

801
00:35:31,201 --> 00:35:33,281
Speaker 5: only lunar. So we got her in and got her out.

802
00:35:33,681 --> 00:35:36,161
Speaker 5: There was lots of little things that I'm like, so

803
00:35:36,321 --> 00:35:39,161
Speaker 5: proud of me for thinking, like she was never to

804
00:35:39,201 --> 00:35:41,041
Speaker 5: have anything over a face. She's never to be put

805
00:35:41,121 --> 00:35:42,681
Speaker 5: in the mark, so she was never put in a

806
00:35:42,681 --> 00:35:46,201
Speaker 5: freezer or anything. A tag that normally goes around the foot,

807
00:35:46,321 --> 00:35:48,121
Speaker 5: I said it needs to go under her back because

808
00:35:48,121 --> 00:35:50,801
Speaker 5: I didn't want any of that to touch her or

809
00:35:50,841 --> 00:35:52,440
Speaker 5: be on her. I feel like it kind of has

810
00:35:52,481 --> 00:35:54,441
Speaker 5: like a bit of a yucky stigma to it.

811
00:35:54,521 --> 00:35:56,841
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't really like that. Yeah, and little.

812
00:35:56,561 --> 00:35:58,601
Speaker 5: Things like that, they're like, wow, I can't believe you're

813
00:35:58,641 --> 00:36:01,801
Speaker 5: like so on to think of these things. And we

814
00:36:01,841 --> 00:36:04,001
Speaker 5: stayed with her the whole time, which I think is

815
00:36:04,081 --> 00:36:06,521
Speaker 5: really lovely, left on our own, and then she came

816
00:36:06,561 --> 00:36:07,641
Speaker 5: back to our house and.

817
00:36:08,041 --> 00:36:09,841
Speaker 6: I felt like we had the whole of New Zealand

818
00:36:09,921 --> 00:36:10,440
Speaker 6: at our house.

819
00:36:11,721 --> 00:36:12,721
Speaker 1: Mars families.

820
00:36:12,801 --> 00:36:15,161
Speaker 5: Yeah, there's a lot together, and a lot and a

821
00:36:15,161 --> 00:36:15,601
Speaker 5: lot and a lot.

822
00:36:15,641 --> 00:36:19,761
Speaker 2: They all multiply, very family orientated. Yeah, it was really cool.

823
00:36:19,801 --> 00:36:22,081
Speaker 5: They went to our house and I think my mum

824
00:36:22,081 --> 00:36:23,601
Speaker 5: and Dad got a bit of a rood shot because

825
00:36:23,601 --> 00:36:26,401
Speaker 5: they just like cleared everything out and it was so beautiful.

826
00:36:26,441 --> 00:36:29,081
Speaker 5: They were like making all the food, and when we

827
00:36:29,121 --> 00:36:32,081
Speaker 5: brought Lou home, a lot of the elderly women were doing,

828
00:36:32,161 --> 00:36:34,881
Speaker 5: you know, like a song for Lou, like to welcome

829
00:36:34,881 --> 00:36:37,521
Speaker 5: herrin in the spirit world, because the Maoris are quite

830
00:36:37,561 --> 00:36:41,081
Speaker 5: spiritual as well. They have this really beautiful way of

831
00:36:41,121 --> 00:36:43,961
Speaker 5: celebrating death, which I think is something in Australia we

832
00:36:44,001 --> 00:36:47,041
Speaker 5: don't actually learn it from. Yeah, so that was really

833
00:36:47,081 --> 00:36:49,801
Speaker 5: lovely for us to experience that. And I'm so grateful

834
00:36:49,841 --> 00:36:53,361
Speaker 5: that Timmy's culture played a massive role in Lou, Like

835
00:36:53,401 --> 00:36:56,401
Speaker 5: in Lou's passing, and we just had everyone there and

836
00:36:56,441 --> 00:36:58,881
Speaker 5: we celebrated her. And then when it was time for

837
00:36:58,961 --> 00:37:02,361
Speaker 5: her service, my sisters like we need to have like

838
00:37:02,441 --> 00:37:06,161
Speaker 5: a Disneyland service, and my sisters. She's one of those people.

839
00:37:06,241 --> 00:37:08,681
Speaker 5: She's like a big dreamer. When she's on, she's on

840
00:37:08,761 --> 00:37:11,481
Speaker 5: and she like fixates on things. And I remember like

841
00:37:11,561 --> 00:37:14,001
Speaker 5: awkwardly laughing on the deck. I'm like, as if we're

842
00:37:14,001 --> 00:37:15,480
Speaker 5: going to be able to pull that off in a week.

843
00:37:15,521 --> 00:37:18,521
Speaker 5: And it's peak COVID, it's Christmas and New year's like

844
00:37:18,641 --> 00:37:21,761
Speaker 5: this is wild. We had loose service on the twenty

845
00:37:21,761 --> 00:37:25,081
Speaker 5: eighth of December, six days after we actually hired the

846
00:37:25,121 --> 00:37:28,521
Speaker 5: Madruba showgrounds. I don't know if you've seen it online before, Ash,

847
00:37:28,561 --> 00:37:30,561
Speaker 5: but we had two and a half thousand people attend,

848
00:37:30,681 --> 00:37:32,561
Speaker 5: so I felt like the whole of the gold Coaster

849
00:37:32,641 --> 00:37:34,881
Speaker 5: was there. We had a fun fair, so we had

850
00:37:34,921 --> 00:37:39,681
Speaker 5: ice cream trucks, balloon twisters, dance performers, we had three

851
00:37:39,761 --> 00:37:43,921
Speaker 5: jumping castles, food trucks, fire twirlers, you name it. We

852
00:37:43,961 --> 00:37:48,001
Speaker 5: called it lou Cella instead of Coachella, and it was

853
00:37:48,081 --> 00:37:50,961
Speaker 5: absolutely beautiful. We told everybody to dress up and we

854
00:37:51,001 --> 00:37:53,801
Speaker 5: had Disney characters, We had Poor Patrol characters turn up.

855
00:37:53,961 --> 00:37:56,161
Speaker 5: The people attending were all dressed up as well, which

856
00:37:56,241 --> 00:37:58,721
Speaker 5: was just magical. And it would have been the most

857
00:37:58,721 --> 00:38:03,241
Speaker 5: beautiful celebration for her. And she's like all of this

858
00:38:03,321 --> 00:38:03,601
Speaker 5: for me.

859
00:38:04,321 --> 00:38:07,001
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, I could see. I could feel her sad.

860
00:38:07,161 --> 00:38:11,361
Speaker 5: Holy smokes, mom, this is all there, just like, oh

861
00:38:11,401 --> 00:38:11,841
Speaker 5: my god.

862
00:38:12,121 --> 00:38:14,401
Speaker 1: She's like, you just get me, yes, you know me.

863
00:38:14,721 --> 00:38:18,201
Speaker 5: Even before that, my partner rides Harley's and so we

864
00:38:18,281 --> 00:38:21,681
Speaker 5: put a call out to get some Harley's to give

865
00:38:21,721 --> 00:38:24,681
Speaker 5: her like an escort and normally you to show maybe

866
00:38:24,721 --> 00:38:27,561
Speaker 5: like a couple of people would, yeah, like fifty of them. Yeah,

867
00:38:27,601 --> 00:38:30,801
Speaker 5: we had six hundred bikes show up outside my parents' house.

868
00:38:31,081 --> 00:38:33,241
Speaker 5: A lot of motorikes went ahead and they shot off

869
00:38:33,241 --> 00:38:35,521
Speaker 5: all the exits on the highway, so they just like

870
00:38:35,641 --> 00:38:37,761
Speaker 5: crossed the bike over the lane and just like do

871
00:38:38,041 --> 00:38:40,801
Speaker 5: the stop and then our cars could all go through.

872
00:38:41,041 --> 00:38:44,641
Speaker 6: It was wild. It was highway was closed. They all

873
00:38:44,681 --> 00:38:45,841
Speaker 6: put pink ribbons.

874
00:38:45,481 --> 00:38:48,721
Speaker 5: On their bikes, like on their on their candles, and

875
00:38:48,761 --> 00:38:51,721
Speaker 5: it was just amazing. And I feel like I have

876
00:38:51,921 --> 00:38:56,041
Speaker 5: no regrets with the way we like celebrated Lou. Everything

877
00:38:56,041 --> 00:38:58,321
Speaker 5: we've done since Lou, I feel like she would have

878
00:38:58,361 --> 00:39:01,001
Speaker 5: just felt so magical. And in saying that as well,

879
00:39:01,001 --> 00:39:04,001
Speaker 5: I think sharing our story and like I've seen other

880
00:39:04,041 --> 00:39:07,841
Speaker 5: people within you know, my online community that they've unfortunately

881
00:39:07,841 --> 00:39:10,361
Speaker 5: lost a child and they're celebrating their child the same

882
00:39:10,361 --> 00:39:13,521
Speaker 5: way Lou or their message in me, you know, saying

883
00:39:13,721 --> 00:39:15,761
Speaker 5: how did you organize Luceella, I want to do this

884
00:39:15,881 --> 00:39:17,841
Speaker 5: or how did you how did you do that? And

885
00:39:17,881 --> 00:39:21,441
Speaker 5: I think Luna has such a beautiful legacy. You know,

886
00:39:21,641 --> 00:39:24,761
Speaker 5: I sometimes say, like as a joke, if I passed away.

887
00:39:24,801 --> 00:39:26,921
Speaker 5: You get a couple of lousy Facebook messages, right.

888
00:39:26,881 --> 00:39:29,321
Speaker 1: And they're like, oh, re some peace. Yes, But with Lou,

889
00:39:29,401 --> 00:39:31,081
Speaker 1: it's like the whole world stopped.

890
00:39:31,561 --> 00:39:33,881
Speaker 5: She had like thousands of people all over the world

891
00:39:34,001 --> 00:39:36,321
Speaker 5: like praying for her, and then when we lost her

892
00:39:36,401 --> 00:39:39,681
Speaker 5: reaching out like showering us with love and like saying

893
00:39:39,681 --> 00:39:41,881
Speaker 5: her name. There's children all around the world that call

894
00:39:42,041 --> 00:39:45,961
Speaker 5: unicorns lunicorns now and like I'll get photos of rainbows

895
00:39:45,961 --> 00:39:49,361
Speaker 5: and they're thinking of Lou. And that's a really beautiful

896
00:39:49,401 --> 00:39:51,281
Speaker 5: legacy to have at such a short age.

897
00:39:51,681 --> 00:39:53,481
Speaker 1: Yeah, the impact she's making.

898
00:39:53,721 --> 00:39:56,321
Speaker 5: Yeah, And maybe that was as a part of her

899
00:39:56,361 --> 00:39:58,641
Speaker 5: soul contract. She was going to change the world. And

900
00:39:59,161 --> 00:40:01,281
Speaker 5: I think it was her mission. It was her mission,

901
00:40:01,361 --> 00:40:04,041
Speaker 5: and she's done. It would work, Luna bits, she's done it.

902
00:40:04,081 --> 00:40:07,561
Speaker 5: She's teaching to be more present. She's teaching people not

903
00:40:07,681 --> 00:40:11,201
Speaker 5: to talk on their phones while driving, not to slow

904
00:40:11,241 --> 00:40:13,961
Speaker 5: down in residential areas. You know, even you know, if

905
00:40:14,001 --> 00:40:16,841
Speaker 5: we touch on road safety, it's like my lunar. She

906
00:40:17,001 --> 00:40:19,281
Speaker 5: knew road safety. She never ran out on the road

907
00:40:19,281 --> 00:40:22,321
Speaker 5: in her entire life. She had never hurt herself. She

908
00:40:22,401 --> 00:40:24,241
Speaker 5: was born in a hospital and died in a hospital.

909
00:40:24,521 --> 00:40:27,081
Speaker 5: She never got stitches, never had a broken bone, she

910
00:40:27,121 --> 00:40:30,361
Speaker 5: never had any accidents, and the one accident she had

911
00:40:30,401 --> 00:40:33,281
Speaker 5: cost her entire life. And I think it's important for

912
00:40:33,361 --> 00:40:36,801
Speaker 5: other people to realize that you can teach your children

913
00:40:36,881 --> 00:40:39,641
Speaker 5: all of these things on how to play safely in

914
00:40:39,761 --> 00:40:41,961
Speaker 5: road safety, but one thing you can't teach your children

915
00:40:42,001 --> 00:40:46,641
Speaker 5: is unpredictability. And I think that is where us as adults,

916
00:40:47,321 --> 00:40:50,401
Speaker 5: while we're driving, it's our duty to put the phone down,

917
00:40:50,641 --> 00:40:53,241
Speaker 5: to slow down. If you're in a residential area or

918
00:40:53,281 --> 00:40:56,121
Speaker 5: a school zone, slow down. There's kids around, and children

919
00:40:56,161 --> 00:40:59,481
Speaker 5: can be unpredictable, and I think that's a really important thing.

920
00:40:59,521 --> 00:41:02,321
Speaker 5: I also find like even online, a lot of people

921
00:41:02,401 --> 00:41:05,721
Speaker 5: will like film when they're physically driving, and I'm like,

922
00:41:05,841 --> 00:41:08,440
Speaker 5: you like messaging saying get off your phone, like pull

923
00:41:08,521 --> 00:41:11,521
Speaker 5: over or just wait, it can wait, Yeah, it can wait.

924
00:41:11,601 --> 00:41:14,960
Speaker 5: It's really like, until something really horrific happens in your life,

925
00:41:15,001 --> 00:41:19,361
Speaker 5: you never really understand the gravity of just one little mistake,

926
00:41:19,521 --> 00:41:22,361
Speaker 5: how it has a ripple effect in your entire life.

927
00:41:22,161 --> 00:41:23,761
Speaker 1: And how quickly something like that can happen.

928
00:41:24,041 --> 00:41:28,281
Speaker 2: Yeah, anyone listening out there that is navigating this, or

929
00:41:28,321 --> 00:41:30,281
Speaker 2: maybe they know someone that because I mean, you were

930
00:41:30,281 --> 00:41:32,121
Speaker 2: the first person I reached out to when my friend

931
00:41:32,121 --> 00:41:33,801
Speaker 2: lost her baby. I didn't know who to turn to.

932
00:41:33,921 --> 00:41:38,121
Speaker 2: I was just like I thought, away, sorry, okay, is

933
00:41:38,161 --> 00:41:38,561
Speaker 2: there something?

934
00:41:38,561 --> 00:41:40,641
Speaker 5: And I'm so glad you did. It was really nice

935
00:41:40,681 --> 00:41:43,801
Speaker 5: to be able to help support MEGS when that as well.

936
00:41:44,281 --> 00:41:48,440
Speaker 6: Sorry, okay, your grief is valid too.

937
00:41:49,041 --> 00:41:51,841
Speaker 1: Yeah.

938
00:41:52,481 --> 00:41:55,601
Speaker 2: Is there something that you would say that helped you?

939
00:41:55,801 --> 00:42:01,081
Speaker 2: Was there certain words or phrases or gestures or favors

940
00:42:01,161 --> 00:42:02,881
Speaker 2: or just things the people around you did.

941
00:42:02,881 --> 00:42:05,281
Speaker 1: They just helped you get through another day.

942
00:42:05,401 --> 00:42:07,801
Speaker 5: That's the best thing you could do is reach out

943
00:42:07,801 --> 00:42:10,601
Speaker 5: to someone that's had a familiar situation. You're like, tell

944
00:42:10,601 --> 00:42:12,601
Speaker 5: me what I can do, how I can support you?

945
00:42:13,121 --> 00:42:15,401
Speaker 5: And I really loved that you did do that because

946
00:42:15,401 --> 00:42:17,361
Speaker 5: you took the initiative to go, all right, I need

947
00:42:17,401 --> 00:42:18,001
Speaker 5: to be on here.

948
00:42:18,281 --> 00:42:19,761
Speaker 6: How can I best support my friend?

949
00:42:19,961 --> 00:42:21,521
Speaker 5: And I'm going to reach out to someone who has

950
00:42:21,561 --> 00:42:24,561
Speaker 5: walked this path or please give me the top tips.

951
00:42:24,961 --> 00:42:28,041
Speaker 5: And I feel like just showing up and without expectation.

952
00:42:28,681 --> 00:42:32,081
Speaker 5: So it's like do a door drop where you drop

953
00:42:32,121 --> 00:42:35,921
Speaker 5: some groceries off at the door, but don't knock, just disappear,

954
00:42:36,201 --> 00:42:39,001
Speaker 5: reach out and say I'm thinking of you without expecting

955
00:42:39,041 --> 00:42:41,881
Speaker 5: anything back, and do that every single day.

956
00:42:42,001 --> 00:42:45,121
Speaker 6: Not the door drop, but just reach out, call them.

957
00:42:45,361 --> 00:42:47,481
Speaker 5: Or if you're a really close friend like you are

958
00:42:47,481 --> 00:42:50,121
Speaker 5: with Megs, it's like show up at their house, do

959
00:42:50,281 --> 00:42:53,121
Speaker 5: the dishes, put a load of washing on, take the

960
00:42:53,241 --> 00:42:55,961
Speaker 5: baby for a walk in the stroller, do something to

961
00:42:56,001 --> 00:42:59,281
Speaker 5: alleviate some weight of normal life. And I think that's

962
00:42:59,321 --> 00:43:03,761
Speaker 5: really important even when you're having these conversations. Don't compare losses.

963
00:43:04,161 --> 00:43:06,521
Speaker 5: Don't compare green I don't pretend like you understand what.

964
00:43:06,601 --> 00:43:09,041
Speaker 2: Your girl's back because, don't say life's going to get

965
00:43:09,081 --> 00:43:09,561
Speaker 2: better again.

966
00:43:09,761 --> 00:43:10,881
Speaker 5: Don't do the silver lining.

967
00:43:11,001 --> 00:43:13,321
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't do that.

968
00:43:13,561 --> 00:43:14,281
Speaker 5: Do not do that.

969
00:43:14,761 --> 00:43:16,841
Speaker 6: Yeah, that's a gut punch itself.

970
00:43:17,401 --> 00:43:20,601
Speaker 5: Your life is just full of such darkness and someone

971
00:43:20,641 --> 00:43:24,321
Speaker 5: says to you, you'll be all right, get fus yes,

972
00:43:24,721 --> 00:43:28,041
Speaker 5: shut up. Yeah, it's like no, no, no, do not

973
00:43:28,161 --> 00:43:30,921
Speaker 5: do that. And do not compare the loss of cat

974
00:43:31,801 --> 00:43:33,961
Speaker 5: I had that I've had, like, yeah, I've had a lot,

975
00:43:34,081 --> 00:43:36,001
Speaker 5: like I've had people like I know exactly how you

976
00:43:36,041 --> 00:43:38,401
Speaker 5: feel when I lost my dog or when I had

977
00:43:38,401 --> 00:43:41,201
Speaker 5: a miscarriage and all this. It's like I appreciate that's

978
00:43:41,241 --> 00:43:43,601
Speaker 5: your worst loss, but please do not compare that with

979
00:43:43,681 --> 00:43:46,801
Speaker 5: my living child and my baby. Please please know. But

980
00:43:47,121 --> 00:43:49,761
Speaker 5: I think for me, I realized that that was a

981
00:43:49,841 --> 00:43:52,601
Speaker 5: me issue as well. When we have triggers on loss,

982
00:43:52,601 --> 00:43:55,681
Speaker 5: which is something that is a forever thing. Triggers are

983
00:43:55,721 --> 00:43:58,441
Speaker 5: something that we hold and that is not an expectation

984
00:43:58,601 --> 00:44:01,961
Speaker 5: maybe an experience that we have that's no one else's

985
00:44:02,041 --> 00:44:04,601
Speaker 5: to carry, which I think for people that are listening

986
00:44:04,641 --> 00:44:08,440
Speaker 5: that you know, walking this lonely path of grief, keep

987
00:44:08,521 --> 00:44:11,601
Speaker 5: that in mind too, because sometimes you'll think, oh, that

988
00:44:11,681 --> 00:44:14,481
Speaker 5: was insensitive, But everyone's just doing the best that they can.

989
00:44:15,281 --> 00:44:17,960
Speaker 5: If they compare their dog or whatever they compare, it's

990
00:44:18,001 --> 00:44:20,441
Speaker 5: like they're just trying to be relatable and I get it,

991
00:44:20,441 --> 00:44:22,681
Speaker 5: it's not right and please don't do it, but they're

992
00:44:22,681 --> 00:44:24,721
Speaker 5: also just trying to be there and show up. And

993
00:44:25,041 --> 00:44:27,361
Speaker 5: sometimes people don't know what to say, so they just

994
00:44:27,481 --> 00:44:31,161
Speaker 5: kind of labble, and you know, it's like, just remember that,

995
00:44:31,241 --> 00:44:31,881
Speaker 5: like that's an.

996
00:44:31,801 --> 00:44:33,881
Speaker 6: Ours issue and they're just trying their best.

997
00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:37,081
Speaker 5: And I think that's really important because I've dealt with

998
00:44:37,121 --> 00:44:39,801
Speaker 5: a lot of losses since Luna. I feel like I'm

999
00:44:39,801 --> 00:44:42,961
Speaker 5: almost like the poster girl for grief. Now and been

1000
00:44:43,041 --> 00:44:44,881
Speaker 5: through a lot I have, Yeah.

1001
00:44:44,681 --> 00:44:46,761
Speaker 1: I feel like maybe we can even touch on that.

1002
00:44:46,761 --> 00:44:47,481
Speaker 1: It's a little bit.

1003
00:44:48,321 --> 00:44:50,921
Speaker 5: Two years after we lost Loup, we were actually really

1004
00:44:50,921 --> 00:44:51,881
Speaker 5: frightened to have any more.

1005
00:44:51,841 --> 00:44:53,481
Speaker 1: Children because Ballad.

1006
00:44:53,801 --> 00:44:56,401
Speaker 5: I was so nervous to feel like, Okay, well if

1007
00:44:56,401 --> 00:44:58,761
Speaker 5: we love again, are they going to get taken from

1008
00:44:58,841 --> 00:45:01,761
Speaker 5: us too? I feel like when you have such sudden loss,

1009
00:45:02,441 --> 00:45:07,401
Speaker 5: you almost lose hope in you think that maybe it's

1010
00:45:07,481 --> 00:45:09,681
Speaker 5: like one, it's never going to get better again, or

1011
00:45:09,681 --> 00:45:12,081
Speaker 5: but how fragile life is. What if they take Marsie,

1012
00:45:12,121 --> 00:45:13,601
Speaker 5: or what if I have a child and it doesn't

1013
00:45:13,641 --> 00:45:16,481
Speaker 5: work out again? Or I think the more things you have,

1014
00:45:16,641 --> 00:45:19,321
Speaker 5: the harder it is to escape too, because you've got

1015
00:45:19,321 --> 00:45:22,961
Speaker 5: so many things keeping you here. Right And two years

1016
00:45:23,001 --> 00:45:25,921
Speaker 5: after so in twenty twenty three, we decided to have

1017
00:45:25,921 --> 00:45:30,001
Speaker 5: another child, and we were pregnant, and then we got

1018
00:45:30,041 --> 00:45:32,881
Speaker 5: super excited and everything was really great, and then we

1019
00:45:33,081 --> 00:45:35,521
Speaker 5: had a late miscarriage at sixteen and a half weeks,

1020
00:45:35,801 --> 00:45:38,201
Speaker 5: which was like another gut punch for me because I

1021
00:45:38,241 --> 00:45:41,401
Speaker 5: thought I was finally feeling like maybe I'll get a

1022
00:45:41,401 --> 00:45:44,281
Speaker 5: little bit more like happiness in my life and maybe

1023
00:45:44,281 --> 00:45:46,361
Speaker 5: i'd have another child that you know, could be bestias

1024
00:45:46,401 --> 00:45:49,321
Speaker 5: with Marsie, and it didn't work out that way, so

1025
00:45:49,401 --> 00:45:50,441
Speaker 5: that was really hard.

1026
00:45:51,041 --> 00:45:53,081
Speaker 1: And then last year.

1027
00:45:53,041 --> 00:45:56,521
Speaker 5: I was pregnant again and we had our beautiful boy, Naalu,

1028
00:45:56,721 --> 00:46:00,881
Speaker 5: and he was actually born at twenty six weeks and

1029
00:46:01,001 --> 00:46:03,801
Speaker 5: he was born forever sleeping, so I had a still

1030
00:46:03,801 --> 00:46:08,601
Speaker 5: birth with him, which was wild for me because I'm like,

1031
00:46:08,681 --> 00:46:10,921
Speaker 5: hold on a second, like, why do I keep getting

1032
00:46:10,961 --> 00:46:14,081
Speaker 5: all these black cards. I've lost my precious lou. Then

1033
00:46:14,121 --> 00:46:17,121
Speaker 5: I've had a late miscarriage. Then when I was pregnant

1034
00:46:17,121 --> 00:46:19,201
Speaker 5: with Nalo, I'm like, this is it. We're gonna have this,

1035
00:46:19,281 --> 00:46:21,561
Speaker 5: you know. And then when I had a steel birth,

1036
00:46:21,921 --> 00:46:24,161
Speaker 5: it like cracked me open all over again because I

1037
00:46:24,241 --> 00:46:25,401
Speaker 5: was like, oh my god.

1038
00:46:25,241 --> 00:46:27,241
Speaker 1: I never knew anything about steel births.

1039
00:46:27,801 --> 00:46:30,441
Speaker 5: I feel like it's also like a super taboo topic

1040
00:46:30,481 --> 00:46:33,361
Speaker 5: where no one really touches on. And I always had

1041
00:46:33,441 --> 00:46:36,081
Speaker 5: like this joke where it was like, there's two things

1042
00:46:36,081 --> 00:46:38,121
Speaker 5: in my life I'll never have, and that's a six

1043
00:46:38,201 --> 00:46:39,681
Speaker 5: pack and a vaginal birth.

1044
00:46:39,801 --> 00:46:40,001
Speaker 1: Right.

1045
00:46:40,361 --> 00:46:43,481
Speaker 5: I've had two cesareans with Lui mars and I always

1046
00:46:43,561 --> 00:46:46,041
Speaker 5: laughed about that. I'm like, when I see women like

1047
00:46:46,081 --> 00:46:48,201
Speaker 5: with vaginal births. I'm like, you're a hero. Like that

1048
00:46:48,281 --> 00:46:52,441
Speaker 5: really frightens me. Right, I have really big babies. Luna

1049
00:46:52,641 --> 00:46:56,000
Speaker 5: was nine pound four and Marzi was nine point eight

1050
00:46:56,041 --> 00:46:58,161
Speaker 5: and they came out like three month olds. So I

1051
00:46:58,201 --> 00:47:00,641
Speaker 5: was like, thank goodness I had cesaraans otherwise I would

1052
00:47:00,681 --> 00:47:03,321
Speaker 5: have ended up in like a wheelchair or like some crab.

1053
00:47:04,041 --> 00:47:06,921
Speaker 5: And so the fear of vaginal birth is huge for me,

1054
00:47:06,961 --> 00:47:08,521
Speaker 5: and I've always openly said like, I'll never have a

1055
00:47:08,601 --> 00:47:10,121
Speaker 5: vagina birth if I can get a Sarah and I'm

1056
00:47:10,161 --> 00:47:13,081
Speaker 5: taking it. Yeah, And when I had Nahlou, I had

1057
00:47:13,121 --> 00:47:18,161
Speaker 5: a vaginal birth. For me, it was like really crazy

1058
00:47:18,401 --> 00:47:22,361
Speaker 5: because in my mind I thought that, you know, I

1059
00:47:22,361 --> 00:47:22,961
Speaker 5: can do this.

1060
00:47:23,121 --> 00:47:23,641
Speaker 1: I'm okay.

1061
00:47:23,721 --> 00:47:26,521
Speaker 5: And then the aftermath of seeing my son and he

1062
00:47:26,761 --> 00:47:28,921
Speaker 5: was like a fully formed baby. I was actually born

1063
00:47:28,961 --> 00:47:32,761
Speaker 5: at twenty seven weeks, so Nahlou was a week shy

1064
00:47:32,841 --> 00:47:35,801
Speaker 5: of that, and he looked perfect. He was like a

1065
00:47:35,801 --> 00:47:38,401
Speaker 5: full blown baby. He could have survived at that gestation.

1066
00:47:39,161 --> 00:47:41,441
Speaker 5: That was a really crazy time for me to have that,

1067
00:47:42,161 --> 00:47:45,601
Speaker 5: and it also brought up a lot of trauma from

1068
00:47:45,681 --> 00:47:48,521
Speaker 5: losing Lou because it was in the exact same hospital.

1069
00:47:48,881 --> 00:47:51,761
Speaker 5: Walking my son to the Morgue again having to talk

1070
00:47:51,801 --> 00:47:55,881
Speaker 5: about a service, cremation, whatever it may be. I'm like,

1071
00:47:56,041 --> 00:47:58,521
Speaker 5: how am I back here again? How am I back

1072
00:47:58,521 --> 00:47:59,521
Speaker 5: here experiencing this?

1073
00:47:59,681 --> 00:47:59,761
Speaker 2: What?

1074
00:48:00,001 --> 00:48:00,161
Speaker 1: Like?

1075
00:48:00,881 --> 00:48:04,121
Speaker 5: I felt like life is just giving me all these

1076
00:48:04,161 --> 00:48:06,601
Speaker 5: black cards? And when was I ever coming up for air?

1077
00:48:06,761 --> 00:48:09,881
Speaker 5: When was I ever going to get my life? He ever?

1078
00:48:09,961 --> 00:48:10,961
Speaker 1: After bad?

1079
00:48:11,121 --> 00:48:15,721
Speaker 5: Yeah that I felt really like getting punished, Yeah, yeah,

1080
00:48:15,761 --> 00:48:18,241
Speaker 5: and kicked in the guts over again. Yeah.

1081
00:48:18,321 --> 00:48:19,081
Speaker 1: It was too much.

1082
00:48:19,121 --> 00:48:24,121
Speaker 5: And I gave myself like three weeks, which sounds like nothing, right.

1083
00:48:24,161 --> 00:48:27,201
Speaker 5: I gave myself three weeks at home. Grief was very

1084
00:48:27,201 --> 00:48:29,561
Speaker 5: different this time around with Nahlou as opposed to Luna.

1085
00:48:29,641 --> 00:48:32,121
Speaker 5: With Luna, I wanted everyone around and it was very

1086
00:48:32,561 --> 00:48:35,561
Speaker 5: you know, like a community feel, where with Nahlou, I

1087
00:48:35,681 --> 00:48:38,481
Speaker 5: was very like wanted to be alone. I wanted to

1088
00:48:38,561 --> 00:48:42,201
Speaker 5: digest everything. My body was still healing. And I feel

1089
00:48:42,201 --> 00:48:45,241
Speaker 5: like as well, no one truly understood the loss of

1090
00:48:45,241 --> 00:48:48,001
Speaker 5: a still birth. Not that I didn't have the same support,

1091
00:48:48,041 --> 00:48:49,841
Speaker 5: but I didn't really have the same support as I

1092
00:48:49,841 --> 00:48:52,321
Speaker 5: did when I lost Loub. I get that the circumstances

1093
00:48:52,361 --> 00:48:55,361
Speaker 5: were different, but I also felt like maybe people had

1094
00:48:55,401 --> 00:48:58,921
Speaker 5: put me onto this, like not pedestal, but like you've

1095
00:48:58,921 --> 00:49:01,440
Speaker 5: got through Lou, Like she'll be okay, Like this isn't

1096
00:49:01,441 --> 00:49:04,001
Speaker 5: as bad, you know. And that's where the comparative brief

1097
00:49:04,001 --> 00:49:07,761
Speaker 5: comes through, because I felt like I didn't receive the

1098
00:49:07,801 --> 00:49:11,121
Speaker 5: same support and I was kind of like dealing with

1099
00:49:11,161 --> 00:49:12,041
Speaker 5: it on my own.

1100
00:49:12,041 --> 00:49:13,761
Speaker 1: In space did to just get through this. I've gone

1101
00:49:13,761 --> 00:49:14,441
Speaker 1: through something.

1102
00:49:14,801 --> 00:49:17,921
Speaker 5: You've been through something worse, Commas, You'll be fine. And

1103
00:49:18,401 --> 00:49:21,081
Speaker 5: even for Timmy, it was a different sort of approach

1104
00:49:21,121 --> 00:49:23,601
Speaker 5: because for men, they don't carry the baby, they have

1105
00:49:23,641 --> 00:49:27,841
Speaker 5: a different feeling and emotional attachment, whereas for me it

1106
00:49:27,961 --> 00:49:30,521
Speaker 5: was really wild. I had a full belly and I

1107
00:49:30,561 --> 00:49:32,441
Speaker 5: gave birth to my son and who was like a

1108
00:49:32,481 --> 00:49:35,201
Speaker 5: full blown baby. And I feel like when you have

1109
00:49:35,241 --> 00:49:37,881
Speaker 5: a still birth and even a miscarriage, your grief is

1110
00:49:37,961 --> 00:49:40,161
Speaker 5: different because it's the what ifs.

1111
00:49:40,401 --> 00:49:43,321
Speaker 6: You know, what should have been and who were they?

1112
00:49:43,361 --> 00:49:44,081
Speaker 1: What would they have been?

1113
00:49:44,281 --> 00:49:46,841
Speaker 5: Like I had envisioned him being a part of our

1114
00:49:46,881 --> 00:49:50,081
Speaker 5: family dynamic, and now he's not there anymore, and it

1115
00:49:50,161 --> 00:49:54,041
Speaker 5: was just a very different road of grief. And I

1116
00:49:54,081 --> 00:49:57,441
Speaker 5: gave myself three weeks to sit at home and just Bedrod,

1117
00:49:58,041 --> 00:50:00,681
Speaker 5: and then I was like, Okay, this isn't serving me anymore.

1118
00:50:00,721 --> 00:50:02,481
Speaker 5: I need to get back to work and I need

1119
00:50:02,521 --> 00:50:05,761
Speaker 5: to keep my mind busy. And I think what happened

1120
00:50:05,761 --> 00:50:08,961
Speaker 5: there was I didn't give myself any grace. And then

1121
00:50:09,001 --> 00:50:12,121
Speaker 5: what happened was six months later, to the start of

1122
00:50:12,121 --> 00:50:16,521
Speaker 5: this year, I went down a really slippery slope of

1123
00:50:16,561 --> 00:50:19,041
Speaker 5: my mental health. I was crying a lot when I

1124
00:50:19,081 --> 00:50:22,201
Speaker 5: was driving to work. I didn't find any happiness anymore.

1125
00:50:22,681 --> 00:50:25,361
Speaker 5: There was a video actually where we're at bowling with

1126
00:50:25,401 --> 00:50:28,201
Speaker 5: my son and my partner, and he was playing this

1127
00:50:28,281 --> 00:50:31,161
Speaker 5: gun game which most of the boys they like love guns, right,

1128
00:50:31,281 --> 00:50:34,001
Speaker 5: and he's like squealing like I love this, I love that,

1129
00:50:34,441 --> 00:50:37,081
Speaker 5: And I was smiling, but tears were just running down

1130
00:50:37,121 --> 00:50:40,281
Speaker 5: my face. And I feel really sad for that Jess

1131
00:50:40,401 --> 00:50:43,761
Speaker 5: in that moment, because I couldn't see any happiness in

1132
00:50:43,801 --> 00:50:46,161
Speaker 5: my life anymore. And I think I got to a

1133
00:50:46,161 --> 00:50:49,841
Speaker 5: point where I was like sick of being strong. I'm like,

1134
00:50:49,881 --> 00:50:52,321
Speaker 5: why do I just have to keep accepting these things?

1135
00:50:52,641 --> 00:50:52,921
Speaker 5: I know?

1136
00:50:53,081 --> 00:50:55,881
Speaker 6: Like sometimes I feel like it's human nature.

1137
00:50:56,241 --> 00:50:59,281
Speaker 5: I feel like online or like within my circle of friends,

1138
00:50:59,321 --> 00:51:03,441
Speaker 5: like I see people having babies, healthy pregnancies, like I

1139
00:51:03,521 --> 00:51:06,361
Speaker 5: keep seeing this everywhere, Like I'm not getting it, and

1140
00:51:06,401 --> 00:51:08,681
Speaker 5: I feel like I'm so deserving of it. It's like,

1141
00:51:09,161 --> 00:51:12,521
Speaker 5: come on, universe, whoever it is, just like, surely I'm

1142
00:51:12,561 --> 00:51:14,881
Speaker 5: on the top of the list here, like yeah, like

1143
00:51:15,161 --> 00:51:17,681
Speaker 5: come on, guys, like I deserve a happy ending. And

1144
00:51:18,281 --> 00:51:20,641
Speaker 5: I wasn't seeing any sunshine. I was sobbing on the

1145
00:51:20,641 --> 00:51:23,841
Speaker 5: way to work. I was not finding happiness and normal

1146
00:51:23,881 --> 00:51:26,561
Speaker 5: things like spending time with my family that I normally did.

1147
00:51:26,881 --> 00:51:28,721
Speaker 6: I was there, but I wasn't on.

1148
00:51:28,921 --> 00:51:29,721
Speaker 1: I wasn't there.

1149
00:51:30,241 --> 00:51:32,961
Speaker 5: And I remember I went to a friend's baby shower,

1150
00:51:33,241 --> 00:51:35,161
Speaker 5: which might have been like the tip of the iceberg,

1151
00:51:35,841 --> 00:51:39,441
Speaker 5: and I remember leaving just like sobbing, and I was like,

1152
00:51:39,521 --> 00:51:41,001
Speaker 5: I'm really not good at the moment.

1153
00:51:41,081 --> 00:51:42,281
Speaker 1: I'm not in a good space.

1154
00:51:42,841 --> 00:51:44,761
Speaker 5: And I went out to dinner with my girlfriends that

1155
00:51:44,961 --> 00:51:47,321
Speaker 5: night and I said to them like, I'm really struggling

1156
00:51:47,401 --> 00:51:50,201
Speaker 5: at the moment, and I feel like dark thoughts are

1157
00:51:50,201 --> 00:51:52,841
Speaker 5: starting to come into my mind again, and I think

1158
00:51:52,881 --> 00:51:55,361
Speaker 5: I need help. I need to like spend some time

1159
00:51:55,361 --> 00:51:57,601
Speaker 5: with some monks, or I need like I need something

1160
00:51:57,601 --> 00:52:00,321
Speaker 5: more than this. And so I remember going home to

1161
00:52:00,361 --> 00:52:02,521
Speaker 5: my partner and I'm like I was super honest with

1162
00:52:02,601 --> 00:52:04,721
Speaker 5: him and said like, I'm really struggling at the moment.

1163
00:52:05,281 --> 00:52:06,481
Speaker 1: I'm not in a good space.

1164
00:52:06,521 --> 00:52:09,681
Speaker 5: And Timmy is so great and so hands on, and

1165
00:52:09,721 --> 00:52:12,521
Speaker 5: he's like, whatever you need, we're doing it. He's like,

1166
00:52:12,721 --> 00:52:14,641
Speaker 5: you're not going back to work. He's like, I'm calling

1167
00:52:14,681 --> 00:52:17,121
Speaker 5: my boss. He took a week off work, and he's like,

1168
00:52:17,361 --> 00:52:20,841
Speaker 5: I'm doing whatever it takes to get this sunshine back.

1169
00:52:21,521 --> 00:52:23,281
Speaker 1: My sister and my mum were.

1170
00:52:23,121 --> 00:52:25,601
Speaker 5: Actually in Vietnam at the time, and I feel like,

1171
00:52:26,001 --> 00:52:27,881
Speaker 5: just for argument sake, this is like on Monday.

1172
00:52:28,281 --> 00:52:30,201
Speaker 1: On Wednesday, we're on a flight to Vietnam.

1173
00:52:30,961 --> 00:52:33,481
Speaker 5: So he's like, let's go over there, let's be with

1174
00:52:33,521 --> 00:52:36,041
Speaker 5: your sister, and let's see what we can do. And

1175
00:52:36,081 --> 00:52:38,561
Speaker 5: I put a thing up online like a question box,

1176
00:52:38,641 --> 00:52:41,121
Speaker 5: like what's the best healing retreat you've ever been? So

1177
00:52:41,161 --> 00:52:43,561
Speaker 5: if you're like to that post, I'm like, I need it.

1178
00:52:43,641 --> 00:52:46,721
Speaker 5: And I don't think anyone knew from the outside to

1179
00:52:46,761 --> 00:52:50,041
Speaker 5: set my girlfriends who i'd shared with, how internally I

1180
00:52:50,121 --> 00:52:52,601
Speaker 5: was struggling so bad. And I think I was so

1181
00:52:52,761 --> 00:52:54,841
Speaker 5: used to just putting on this front like I'm okay,

1182
00:52:54,961 --> 00:52:58,601
Speaker 5: but really I was like drowning in grief and things

1183
00:52:58,641 --> 00:53:01,841
Speaker 5: were just not helping, and we went to Vietnam for

1184
00:53:01,921 --> 00:53:04,281
Speaker 5: a week and it was Luna's birthday as well, which

1185
00:53:04,321 --> 00:53:07,281
Speaker 5: is always a time course. And then I booked him

1186
00:53:07,281 --> 00:53:10,281
Speaker 5: and I into a retreat in Cambodia. We were there

1187
00:53:10,281 --> 00:53:13,321
Speaker 5: for a week and it literally just like gave me

1188
00:53:13,441 --> 00:53:17,241
Speaker 5: life again. It was we got to surround ourselves with monks.

1189
00:53:17,721 --> 00:53:20,161
Speaker 5: The gentleman that ran it, Joel, was just like you

1190
00:53:20,161 --> 00:53:22,241
Speaker 5: know when you meet people in there like a breath

1191
00:53:22,241 --> 00:53:24,161
Speaker 5: of fresh air and you're like, I just want to

1192
00:53:24,161 --> 00:53:26,561
Speaker 5: sit here for hours and listen to your wisdom. And

1193
00:53:26,601 --> 00:53:28,121
Speaker 5: he's like, I'm like, so tell me what you think

1194
00:53:28,121 --> 00:53:29,961
Speaker 5: about this, what you think about that? And he was

1195
00:53:30,121 --> 00:53:34,001
Speaker 5: just like this incredible man. And we had a full

1196
00:53:34,121 --> 00:53:36,201
Speaker 5: day of silence, which is hard for me because I

1197
00:53:36,241 --> 00:53:38,961
Speaker 5: feel like I can talk underwater. What I came away

1198
00:53:39,081 --> 00:53:43,801
Speaker 5: from that was the importance of human connection, conversations, meeting

1199
00:53:43,801 --> 00:53:46,481
Speaker 5: people from all over the world with all different backgrounds,

1200
00:53:46,601 --> 00:53:49,641
Speaker 5: learning from their experiences how they've overcome things.

1201
00:53:50,361 --> 00:53:52,241
Speaker 1: And I remember, actually.

1202
00:53:51,881 --> 00:53:54,361
Speaker 5: I'll tell you, when we first got to the retreat,

1203
00:53:54,601 --> 00:53:56,681
Speaker 5: they greet you and it's like really lovely. They put

1204
00:53:56,721 --> 00:53:58,761
Speaker 5: a thing over your like a what would you call

1205
00:53:58,801 --> 00:54:00,801
Speaker 5: like a scarf over you and they're like sit down.

1206
00:54:00,881 --> 00:54:01,801
Speaker 1: It was very awesome.

1207
00:54:01,841 --> 00:54:03,881
Speaker 5: And then we're sitting there and me and Tim kind

1208
00:54:03,881 --> 00:54:08,481
Speaker 5: of felt like out of place, like, but I was

1209
00:54:08,521 --> 00:54:10,761
Speaker 5: also thinking in my head like a people going to

1210
00:54:10,801 --> 00:54:12,681
Speaker 5: be as like fucked up as I am, because this

1211
00:54:12,961 --> 00:54:15,361
Speaker 5: here is to save my life, because this is like

1212
00:54:15,481 --> 00:54:17,881
Speaker 5: my last resort. I've just spent so much money to

1213
00:54:17,881 --> 00:54:20,041
Speaker 5: get over here, to pay for this retreat, Like, I

1214
00:54:20,041 --> 00:54:21,321
Speaker 5: hope you guys are ready.

1215
00:54:21,041 --> 00:54:21,801
Speaker 1: For what I've got.

1216
00:54:22,201 --> 00:54:25,041
Speaker 5: I remember a lady came over to me and they

1217
00:54:25,081 --> 00:54:27,561
Speaker 5: give you this form and it's like from one to ten,

1218
00:54:27,641 --> 00:54:29,881
Speaker 5: what's your mental health? Like how do you feel from this?

1219
00:54:29,961 --> 00:54:32,441
Speaker 5: It's like a survey. I'm like two, and I was

1220
00:54:32,481 --> 00:54:34,201
Speaker 5: like putting twos because I didn't want to put one

1221
00:54:34,281 --> 00:54:36,361
Speaker 5: or zero because then they might have got that SOS

1222
00:54:36,441 --> 00:54:39,241
Speaker 5: call out right, So I'm like two. Some of it's

1223
00:54:39,321 --> 00:54:41,440
Speaker 5: like five. They're like how much happiness is in your life?

1224
00:54:41,481 --> 00:54:44,721
Speaker 5: I'm like three, Like everything was very low, So I

1225
00:54:44,801 --> 00:54:46,561
Speaker 5: knew when they picked my folder up they would have

1226
00:54:46,561 --> 00:54:49,161
Speaker 5: been like, Okay, what's going on here? And the lady

1227
00:54:49,201 --> 00:54:50,921
Speaker 5: took me for a walk and she's like I just

1228
00:54:50,961 --> 00:54:53,561
Speaker 5: wanted to know what brought you here today, and I

1229
00:54:53,641 --> 00:54:56,121
Speaker 5: burst into tears and I said, I lost my daughter

1230
00:54:56,161 --> 00:54:59,241
Speaker 5: four years ago. I'm at a crossroad, like I can't

1231
00:54:59,241 --> 00:55:02,281
Speaker 5: find any happiness in my life anymore. This is kind

1232
00:55:02,321 --> 00:55:05,361
Speaker 5: of like my last resort. I'm here to find finess

1233
00:55:05,441 --> 00:55:08,361
Speaker 5: and meaning to life again, and I really need your help.

1234
00:55:08,401 --> 00:55:11,321
Speaker 5: And I was sobbing, and she didn't really know how

1235
00:55:11,321 --> 00:55:13,481
Speaker 5: to hold space for me and didn't really know what

1236
00:55:13,601 --> 00:55:16,921
Speaker 5: to say, and I think I kind of like stumbled

1237
00:55:16,921 --> 00:55:18,960
Speaker 5: her a bit and she was like, Okay, well you're

1238
00:55:18,961 --> 00:55:20,841
Speaker 5: at the right place. And then she's like, okay, so

1239
00:55:20,921 --> 00:55:22,601
Speaker 5: this is how it works, and she kind of brushed

1240
00:55:22,641 --> 00:55:27,281
Speaker 5: off like the intensity of what I just shared. And

1241
00:55:27,321 --> 00:55:29,401
Speaker 5: so I went back to Tim and he came back

1242
00:55:29,441 --> 00:55:31,361
Speaker 5: and he was sobbing too. So I was like, okay,

1243
00:55:31,401 --> 00:55:34,281
Speaker 5: they know that this couple we need to work with

1244
00:55:34,401 --> 00:55:36,721
Speaker 5: a little bit. And we went into the hall and

1245
00:55:36,761 --> 00:55:39,321
Speaker 5: we sat down in a big circle and they said,

1246
00:55:39,761 --> 00:55:42,081
Speaker 5: I want you to share what brought you here today,

1247
00:55:42,361 --> 00:55:43,921
Speaker 5: and so everyone was sharing.

1248
00:55:44,281 --> 00:55:46,641
Speaker 1: But it was like, I've got two weeks off work,

1249
00:55:46,681 --> 00:55:47,241
Speaker 1: so I thought.

1250
00:55:47,041 --> 00:55:49,881
Speaker 5: I'd come, Oh, Tad, and I'm looking at Tim and

1251
00:55:49,921 --> 00:55:52,480
Speaker 5: you know when you've been sobbing so much, like, yeah,

1252
00:55:52,641 --> 00:55:53,281
Speaker 5: can't breathe.

1253
00:55:53,321 --> 00:55:55,081
Speaker 6: I'm like, this is going to go one way or

1254
00:55:55,081 --> 00:55:55,361
Speaker 6: the other.

1255
00:55:56,081 --> 00:55:58,480
Speaker 5: And everything was kind of just like they're here fore

1256
00:55:58,561 --> 00:56:00,841
Speaker 5: over a treet or fluffy yeah, and I'm thinking I'm

1257
00:56:00,841 --> 00:56:02,841
Speaker 5: looking at Tim, I'm like We've picked the wrong one.

1258
00:56:03,161 --> 00:56:06,161
Speaker 5: There was a really beautiful gentleman. He shared that he

1259
00:56:06,241 --> 00:56:08,881
Speaker 5: had a drug addiction and he was here to help

1260
00:56:08,921 --> 00:56:10,401
Speaker 5: with that, and I was like, okay, this is cool.

1261
00:56:10,481 --> 00:56:14,561
Speaker 6: He came from the UK. Everyone has a story, Yeah.

1262
00:56:13,881 --> 00:56:16,121
Speaker 5: Everyone has something going on in their life, whether it's

1263
00:56:16,121 --> 00:56:18,361
Speaker 5: as heavy as someone else. There's a reason why people

1264
00:56:18,401 --> 00:56:21,601
Speaker 5: are going to a retreat, and it's generally the same

1265
00:56:21,641 --> 00:56:24,440
Speaker 5: outcome of finding some inner peace, yes, and a little

1266
00:56:24,441 --> 00:56:27,161
Speaker 5: bit of freedom from a busy mind. So then when

1267
00:56:27,161 --> 00:56:29,841
Speaker 5: it got to me, I told my story and I

1268
00:56:30,001 --> 00:56:34,161
Speaker 5: was crying and everybody else was crying, and then it's

1269
00:56:34,241 --> 00:56:37,841
Speaker 5: really shifted the whole atmosphere of the retreat.

1270
00:56:37,921 --> 00:56:40,361
Speaker 6: And then afterwards people are like, Chess, I'm so glad

1271
00:56:40,361 --> 00:56:40,921
Speaker 6: you opened up.

1272
00:56:40,961 --> 00:56:44,201
Speaker 5: I'm actually here because my friend committed suicide three months ago,

1273
00:56:44,361 --> 00:56:47,001
Speaker 5: or I've just lost my mum, or and I was like, yes,

1274
00:56:47,281 --> 00:56:50,401
Speaker 5: sometimes it takes just one person to be brave for

1275
00:56:50,481 --> 00:56:52,721
Speaker 5: people to go to.

1276
00:56:53,321 --> 00:56:54,681
Speaker 1: People are scared to talk about it.

1277
00:56:54,721 --> 00:56:56,561
Speaker 3: People they want to be known for that, or they

1278
00:56:56,601 --> 00:56:57,881
Speaker 3: don't want to bring it up, be the first one

1279
00:56:57,921 --> 00:56:58,401
Speaker 3: to go first.

1280
00:56:58,441 --> 00:56:59,801
Speaker 1: It's scary. Which how sad is that.

1281
00:57:00,041 --> 00:57:02,361
Speaker 5: I know, it's so sad that we feel like we

1282
00:57:02,481 --> 00:57:05,361
Speaker 5: have to bury our own emotions and thoughts to make

1283
00:57:05,441 --> 00:57:10,281
Speaker 5: other people feel comfortable. Yes, that retreat, after I shared that,

1284
00:57:10,481 --> 00:57:13,041
Speaker 5: it changed my whole perspective of life, and it taught

1285
00:57:13,041 --> 00:57:16,321
Speaker 5: me that, you know, depression is where we worry about

1286
00:57:16,361 --> 00:57:20,481
Speaker 5: the past. Anxiety is where we worry about the future,

1287
00:57:20,761 --> 00:57:23,321
Speaker 5: and we never just live in the now, which is

1288
00:57:23,441 --> 00:57:26,361
Speaker 5: really something that I wasn't doing. I was worrying about

1289
00:57:26,841 --> 00:57:29,881
Speaker 5: why I wasn't having another healthy baby, or why this

1290
00:57:30,081 --> 00:57:32,361
Speaker 5: was kept happening to me, and how I was missing

1291
00:57:32,441 --> 00:57:34,601
Speaker 5: Luna so much. But I wasn't living in the now

1292
00:57:34,681 --> 00:57:37,241
Speaker 5: and doing what I initially did at the start, which

1293
00:57:37,281 --> 00:57:41,201
Speaker 5: was digging deep to fine purpose and to live a

1294
00:57:41,201 --> 00:57:43,521
Speaker 5: beautiful life. So when it was my time, I'd have

1295
00:57:43,561 --> 00:57:46,281
Speaker 5: no regrets up there, and I think it was just

1296
00:57:46,401 --> 00:57:49,601
Speaker 5: like the human shape that I needed to be. Like Jess,

1297
00:57:49,641 --> 00:57:51,761
Speaker 5: come on, you're venturing off the track A little bit.

1298
00:57:51,801 --> 00:57:53,921
Speaker 5: You know that dirt road's not safe. We need to

1299
00:57:53,961 --> 00:57:56,361
Speaker 5: go back and do what we're meant to do, and

1300
00:57:56,361 --> 00:58:00,081
Speaker 5: that's live a fulfilling life with purpose and gratitude, even

1301
00:58:00,161 --> 00:58:02,601
Speaker 5: when there's lots of yucky cards that have thrown our way.

1302
00:58:03,201 --> 00:58:04,241
Speaker 6: Yeah, that really helped.

1303
00:58:04,401 --> 00:58:07,161
Speaker 5: That was in April May this year, and then I

1304
00:58:07,161 --> 00:58:09,241
Speaker 5: had a really great couple of months and life was

1305
00:58:09,281 --> 00:58:12,881
Speaker 5: feeling really lovely. And then six weeks ago, actually I

1306
00:58:12,921 --> 00:58:17,481
Speaker 5: lost my dad, which has just like really cracked open

1307
00:58:17,801 --> 00:58:20,641
Speaker 5: grief all over again. And now I'm.

1308
00:58:20,521 --> 00:58:23,001
Speaker 6: Kind of back to scare one again, trying.

1309
00:58:22,721 --> 00:58:26,361
Speaker 5: To figure out how I'm going to survive without him,

1310
00:58:26,721 --> 00:58:29,601
Speaker 5: which is really hard. And then in the same breath,

1311
00:58:30,201 --> 00:58:33,121
Speaker 5: I feel like I have a little bit of peace

1312
00:58:33,201 --> 00:58:34,281
Speaker 5: knowing that Dad's.

1313
00:58:33,961 --> 00:58:37,401
Speaker 1: With Luke Lunah, yeah, where she's not on her own.

1314
00:58:38,121 --> 00:58:41,241
Speaker 5: My dad died of a broken heart, and I think

1315
00:58:42,161 --> 00:58:45,881
Speaker 5: when someone takes their own life, it brings off a

1316
00:58:45,921 --> 00:58:49,161
Speaker 5: lot of like what if should have, could have?

1317
00:58:49,401 --> 00:58:51,121
Speaker 1: Would have? Why didn't I do this?

1318
00:58:52,001 --> 00:58:56,561
Speaker 5: And that's where we kind of circle back to communities

1319
00:58:56,601 --> 00:59:01,441
Speaker 5: feeling grief. My dad lost his only granddaughter. He waited

1320
00:59:02,281 --> 00:59:06,201
Speaker 5: sixty five years to have Luna, and then she was

1321
00:59:06,241 --> 00:59:08,721
Speaker 5: stolen from him. My dad had a lot of loss

1322
00:59:08,721 --> 00:59:11,841
Speaker 5: in his life. He lost two sisters, he lost his

1323
00:59:11,961 --> 00:59:15,121
Speaker 5: dad three weeks before we lost Lou. I lost my

1324
00:59:15,201 --> 00:59:18,081
Speaker 5: grandmother on the Wednesday, and my dad took his life

1325
00:59:18,081 --> 00:59:21,721
Speaker 5: on the Sunday. So I felt like my dad was

1326
00:59:21,801 --> 00:59:27,241
Speaker 5: carrying so much loss and grief and emotion and was

1327
00:59:27,281 --> 00:59:30,521
Speaker 5: too much him to carry anymore. We've had so many

1328
00:59:30,561 --> 00:59:33,681
Speaker 5: conversations about like the afterlife and where we thought Luna was.

1329
00:59:33,761 --> 00:59:37,361
Speaker 5: And it's like, not that he's let me down, because

1330
00:59:37,361 --> 00:59:39,681
Speaker 5: I'm not angry at Dad. I understand why he's done it,

1331
00:59:39,721 --> 00:59:43,161
Speaker 5: and I feel so sorry that he was feeling so

1332
00:59:43,201 --> 00:59:45,521
Speaker 5: heavy in that moment that he felt like that was

1333
00:59:45,601 --> 00:59:48,841
Speaker 5: his only option. But I feel like it also adds

1334
00:59:48,961 --> 00:59:51,521
Speaker 5: just another black cart that I have to carry now

1335
00:59:51,561 --> 00:59:53,841
Speaker 5: for the rest of my life. I now have a

1336
00:59:53,841 --> 00:59:57,601
Speaker 5: different form of loss. And whereas my son is five now,

1337
00:59:58,401 --> 01:00:02,201
Speaker 5: he has a beautiful relationship. He only sees my parents,

1338
01:00:02,241 --> 01:00:04,601
Speaker 5: so his grandparents and my mum and dad, and they

1339
01:00:04,601 --> 01:00:07,921
Speaker 5: play such a pivotal role in Mars's life. And Marzi's

1340
01:00:07,961 --> 01:00:11,121
Speaker 5: at an age now where he understands what's going on.

1341
01:00:11,441 --> 01:00:13,641
Speaker 5: When we lost Lou, he was only seven months old,

1342
01:00:14,161 --> 01:00:16,761
Speaker 5: so his grief journey has been very different, and we've

1343
01:00:16,801 --> 01:00:19,561
Speaker 5: sprinkled him with a lot of love and magic and

1344
01:00:19,681 --> 01:00:22,601
Speaker 5: he's so happy all the time, and I feel like

1345
01:00:22,721 --> 01:00:26,281
Speaker 5: we've kind of not sheltered him, but he hasn't had

1346
01:00:26,321 --> 01:00:28,721
Speaker 5: to absorb it, which I'm so grateful for. That's mine

1347
01:00:28,761 --> 01:00:32,081
Speaker 5: to carry in, not his. But now it's very different

1348
01:00:32,081 --> 01:00:34,681
Speaker 5: for me because I have to talk to him about

1349
01:00:34,681 --> 01:00:37,961
Speaker 5: his poppy and poppies with Luna now, and I don't

1350
01:00:37,961 --> 01:00:39,961
Speaker 5: want him to have this kind of thing where like

1351
01:00:40,321 --> 01:00:43,521
Speaker 5: Lou's taken his favorite person, his best friend's gone, and

1352
01:00:44,361 --> 01:00:47,841
Speaker 5: you have to really make sure we don't like glamorize

1353
01:00:47,841 --> 01:00:51,681
Speaker 5: the afterlife, right, because did we glamorize it too much?

1354
01:00:51,721 --> 01:00:53,921
Speaker 5: Where Dad thought that that was so great and that's

1355
01:00:54,161 --> 01:00:56,041
Speaker 5: you know, where he wanted to go. Where now he's

1356
01:00:56,161 --> 01:00:59,361
Speaker 5: left his whole family to pick up the pieces. So

1357
01:00:59,601 --> 01:01:01,841
Speaker 5: that's like a really fine line which now I have

1358
01:01:01,921 --> 01:01:05,401
Speaker 5: to balance because I have to ensure that Marzi has

1359
01:01:05,441 --> 01:01:08,361
Speaker 5: the tools and the strategies in place where he feels supported.

1360
01:01:08,841 --> 01:01:11,321
Speaker 5: He knows that mental health is a real life thing.

1361
01:01:11,841 --> 01:01:14,961
Speaker 5: Men's mental health is massive. I mean females is as well,

1362
01:01:15,201 --> 01:01:17,281
Speaker 5: but I feel like that's on Men are way higher

1363
01:01:17,441 --> 01:01:20,321
Speaker 5: one hundred percent. But I feel for women, we call

1364
01:01:20,401 --> 01:01:23,961
Speaker 5: our girlfriends, we talk, we do things like this, we chat,

1365
01:01:24,041 --> 01:01:28,481
Speaker 5: we hold yes, we hold space. Where for men, like

1366
01:01:28,641 --> 01:01:31,601
Speaker 5: my dad was sixty eight when he passed, which is

1367
01:01:31,761 --> 01:01:34,481
Speaker 5: very young, and I think it's like, you don't really

1368
01:01:34,561 --> 01:01:36,841
Speaker 5: hear that for older gentlemen. It's normally men that are

1369
01:01:36,841 --> 01:01:39,561
Speaker 5: in their forties or thirties that have marriage breakdowns or

1370
01:01:39,601 --> 01:01:43,201
Speaker 5: the financial issues. And for a grown man that has

1371
01:01:43,241 --> 01:01:45,561
Speaker 5: four kids, has been in marriage, he's married to my

1372
01:01:45,641 --> 01:01:46,041
Speaker 5: mom for.

1373
01:01:46,041 --> 01:01:48,881
Speaker 6: Fifty years, it's like, that's really heavy.

1374
01:01:49,241 --> 01:01:52,321
Speaker 5: We need to focus on men's mental health as a whole,

1375
01:01:52,921 --> 01:01:55,801
Speaker 5: from teenagers to grown adult.

1376
01:01:55,481 --> 01:01:57,641
Speaker 6: Men that are, you know, in retirement age.

1377
01:01:57,681 --> 01:01:59,521
Speaker 1: My dad was at that age.

1378
01:01:59,281 --> 01:02:00,841
Speaker 5: And then he felt like it was too heavy and

1379
01:02:00,841 --> 01:02:04,401
Speaker 5: that he couldn't communicate, which I think, how sad is that? Yeah?

1380
01:02:04,481 --> 01:02:06,121
Speaker 1: Really is that. I was sad that he's.

1381
01:02:05,921 --> 01:02:08,761
Speaker 5: Got four children, two grandchildren, and a wife of fifty

1382
01:02:08,841 --> 01:02:11,401
Speaker 5: years and he still felt like he couldn't find the

1383
01:02:11,481 --> 01:02:12,521
Speaker 5: shore grew up.

1384
01:02:12,481 --> 01:02:14,441
Speaker 2: In a generation where they didn't know how to speak

1385
01:02:14,521 --> 01:02:16,641
Speaker 2: up exactly about their emotions, and they thought it was

1386
01:02:16,681 --> 01:02:17,561
Speaker 2: a burden and everyone.

1387
01:02:18,001 --> 01:02:21,801
Speaker 1: Yep, yeah, which is terrible, so fucking sad. Yeah. Yeah.

1388
01:02:21,881 --> 01:02:24,961
Speaker 5: I think even like mental health is such a it's

1389
01:02:25,041 --> 01:02:27,121
Speaker 5: so big at the moment, and a lot of people

1390
01:02:27,201 --> 01:02:29,601
Speaker 5: are talking about it and the awareness is there, but

1391
01:02:29,681 --> 01:02:31,641
Speaker 5: there's nothing actually pushing it forward.

1392
01:02:32,001 --> 01:02:36,201
Speaker 6: The government have said you get a ten pass type, which.

1393
01:02:36,001 --> 01:02:38,041
Speaker 5: Is nothing really because it costs you say, two hundred

1394
01:02:38,081 --> 01:02:39,881
Speaker 5: and twenty dollars to see a therapist and you get

1395
01:02:39,961 --> 01:02:42,361
Speaker 5: sixty seven dollars back. You've still got to be able

1396
01:02:42,401 --> 01:02:43,761
Speaker 5: to pay free.

1397
01:02:43,801 --> 01:02:45,641
Speaker 6: It's not free. Yeah, it's not free.

1398
01:02:45,681 --> 01:02:48,201
Speaker 5: So we want to also bring that in throughout that

1399
01:02:48,321 --> 01:02:52,081
Speaker 5: brievement leave where you get say ten packs for free. Yeah,

1400
01:02:52,321 --> 01:02:55,641
Speaker 5: because even that, if I didn't have a therapist, god

1401
01:02:55,721 --> 01:02:57,841
Speaker 5: knows which way Tim and I would have went. You know,

1402
01:02:57,881 --> 01:03:00,361
Speaker 5: we were lucky to be able to financially afford to

1403
01:03:00,401 --> 01:03:03,561
Speaker 5: do that, but most families can't, and that's a lot.

1404
01:03:04,121 --> 01:03:08,521
Speaker 2: I think funeral funerals are expensive, so expensive.

1405
01:03:08,041 --> 01:03:10,721
Speaker 5: And like even like well we've done too now with

1406
01:03:10,881 --> 01:03:13,841
Speaker 5: Lou and Dad, and older people generally have like life

1407
01:03:13,921 --> 01:03:17,161
Speaker 5: insurance or something like that, or funeral cover, but when

1408
01:03:17,161 --> 01:03:18,801
Speaker 5: you lose a child, you've got to come up with

1409
01:03:18,801 --> 01:03:19,801
Speaker 5: what fifteen.

1410
01:03:19,521 --> 01:03:21,361
Speaker 6: Thousand adults straight off the bat.

1411
01:03:21,481 --> 01:03:22,121
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a lot.

1412
01:03:22,321 --> 01:03:24,081
Speaker 2: Maybe people have that sitting in the bank account ready

1413
01:03:24,081 --> 01:03:26,481
Speaker 2: to go, like yeah.

1414
01:03:25,761 --> 01:03:27,641
Speaker 6: So I think something like that will help.

1415
01:03:28,001 --> 01:03:29,121
Speaker 1: What we also do is.

1416
01:03:29,081 --> 01:03:31,721
Speaker 5: We have a thing called Luna's Army, So my partner

1417
01:03:32,001 --> 01:03:36,121
Speaker 5: to do with men's mental health. He does marathons, triathlons

1418
01:03:36,161 --> 01:03:39,161
Speaker 5: in honor of Luna. But he actually has a heap

1419
01:03:39,201 --> 01:03:41,521
Speaker 5: of friends which started off as friends. So we lost

1420
01:03:41,561 --> 01:03:44,001
Speaker 5: Lou in the December. In March, he signed up to

1421
01:03:44,081 --> 01:03:47,441
Speaker 5: a the Malulaba triathlon and he had never done that

1422
01:03:47,481 --> 01:03:49,601
Speaker 5: in his life. He was a football player, so he

1423
01:03:49,761 --> 01:03:52,801
Speaker 5: was fit, but he never had like rode a bike

1424
01:03:52,921 --> 01:03:56,881
Speaker 5: or swam in the like, nothing like that. And within

1425
01:03:57,041 --> 01:03:59,081
Speaker 5: three months he had I think it was about twelve

1426
01:03:59,161 --> 01:04:01,721
Speaker 5: of his friends. Some of the boys couldn't even swim.

1427
01:04:01,801 --> 01:04:04,841
Speaker 5: They literally had swimming lessons like at the pool because

1428
01:04:04,881 --> 01:04:08,481
Speaker 5: they couldn't swim as men, and they did an ocean swim.

1429
01:04:08,881 --> 01:04:11,601
Speaker 5: He started this kind of like a movement where mental

1430
01:04:11,641 --> 01:04:12,641
Speaker 5: health is important for men.

1431
01:04:12,681 --> 01:04:14,281
Speaker 6: But they were also training together.

1432
01:04:14,361 --> 01:04:16,681
Speaker 5: They were talking about it, and they were doing this

1433
01:04:16,881 --> 01:04:20,721
Speaker 5: like massive Like some of his triflons take like three hours.

1434
01:04:20,801 --> 01:04:23,201
Speaker 6: He did any man last week it was five hours.

1435
01:04:23,241 --> 01:04:24,081
Speaker 1: It's like wow.

1436
01:04:24,121 --> 01:04:27,001
Speaker 5: He says that when he's training that hard and he's

1437
01:04:27,041 --> 01:04:30,081
Speaker 5: pushing his body to the brink, it makes him feel

1438
01:04:30,121 --> 01:04:33,121
Speaker 5: closer to Luna because all of his thoughts are clear,

1439
01:04:33,641 --> 01:04:36,361
Speaker 5: so he doesn't have a busy brain anymore. He's fighting

1440
01:04:37,001 --> 01:04:40,161
Speaker 5: to complete this race, but he's also feeling really connected

1441
01:04:40,201 --> 01:04:43,001
Speaker 5: to his daughter. And I think for a man to

1442
01:04:43,081 --> 01:04:46,401
Speaker 5: talk about mental health and to open up a space

1443
01:04:46,441 --> 01:04:49,721
Speaker 5: where like even the first Malulabar trie we did, there

1444
01:04:49,761 --> 01:04:52,441
Speaker 5: was no islanders there, which was wild. Timmy was like

1445
01:04:52,561 --> 01:04:55,001
Speaker 5: the first islander on the course and everyone's like this

1446
01:04:55,161 --> 01:04:57,721
Speaker 5: foke's one hundred kilos on a road bike, Like what's

1447
01:04:57,761 --> 01:05:00,841
Speaker 5: going on? And then every year he's got all of

1448
01:05:00,841 --> 01:05:02,881
Speaker 5: his friends on board and his cousins are on board,

1449
01:05:02,881 --> 01:05:06,041
Speaker 5: and now we see there's like diverse cultures there now

1450
01:05:06,081 --> 01:05:07,881
Speaker 5: and it's like really opened up. It's like if we

1451
01:05:07,921 --> 01:05:10,121
Speaker 5: can do it, you can do it. And I think

1452
01:05:10,161 --> 01:05:13,881
Speaker 5: that's important. And with Luna's army, we just bring the vibe.

1453
01:05:13,921 --> 01:05:16,961
Speaker 5: You know, my role is I'm not the athlete. Tim's

1454
01:05:16,961 --> 01:05:20,201
Speaker 5: the athlete, but my role is to bring the support

1455
01:05:20,241 --> 01:05:23,281
Speaker 5: and the pipe, so we bring the positivity where we're

1456
01:05:23,361 --> 01:05:27,081
Speaker 5: cheering everyone on the energy and I think that's really cool.

1457
01:05:27,121 --> 01:05:28,481
Speaker 1: It brings community together.

1458
01:05:28,641 --> 01:05:31,521
Speaker 5: But within that time we have some of the most

1459
01:05:31,521 --> 01:05:36,561
Speaker 5: amazing connections and conversations with our community there. So there's

1460
01:05:36,601 --> 01:05:39,641
Speaker 5: people coming to support their friends and family that might

1461
01:05:39,641 --> 01:05:41,481
Speaker 5: come up and we chat about grief and we chat

1462
01:05:41,481 --> 01:05:46,241
Speaker 5: about loss, and I think those conversations that just pop up.

1463
01:05:46,521 --> 01:05:47,601
Speaker 1: They're the most meaningful.

1464
01:05:47,801 --> 01:05:51,041
Speaker 5: Yeah, because true, Yeah, I feel like sometimes people just

1465
01:05:51,081 --> 01:05:53,161
Speaker 5: want to come have a chat, and I'm like an

1466
01:05:53,161 --> 01:05:55,801
Speaker 5: open book and happy to chat, and it opens up

1467
01:05:55,841 --> 01:05:58,441
Speaker 5: an avenue where people feel safe and they feel heard,

1468
01:05:58,521 --> 01:06:00,801
Speaker 5: and I think that's important. I actually go out to

1469
01:06:00,881 --> 01:06:04,241
Speaker 5: childcare centers and schools and do story times, so we

1470
01:06:04,241 --> 01:06:07,201
Speaker 5: would read books, We chant Lose mantra, We talk about

1471
01:06:07,201 --> 01:06:10,281
Speaker 5: the importance of positive empowerment, and not only is it

1472
01:06:10,401 --> 01:06:13,201
Speaker 5: keeping Lose Legacy alive, but I think it's also planning

1473
01:06:13,201 --> 01:06:15,401
Speaker 5: that seed of empowerment within our meetings too.

1474
01:06:15,241 --> 01:06:19,121
Speaker 2: Which is really osolutely. Everything you do is incredible. Thank

1475
01:06:19,121 --> 01:06:20,841
Speaker 2: you so much for being here today. I've been so

1476
01:06:21,001 --> 01:06:23,721
Speaker 2: open for sharing her story, her light, her legacy.

1477
01:06:23,881 --> 01:06:24,321
Speaker 1: Thank you.

1478
01:06:24,361 --> 01:06:26,721
Speaker 2: If anyone listening who wants to get involved in support

1479
01:06:26,801 --> 01:06:29,161
Speaker 2: the foundation, like, how can our community help you?

1480
01:06:29,601 --> 01:06:29,841
Speaker 5: Yeah?

1481
01:06:29,921 --> 01:06:30,121
Speaker 1: Help.

1482
01:06:30,321 --> 01:06:32,241
Speaker 5: Every year at Christmas time we do a Build a

1483
01:06:32,241 --> 01:06:36,441
Speaker 5: Bear appeal. So this December we hold a in house

1484
01:06:36,441 --> 01:06:38,041
Speaker 5: Build a Bear where the Build a Bear team come

1485
01:06:38,081 --> 01:06:41,521
Speaker 5: out to Luna's old dance studio and we build the

1486
01:06:41,521 --> 01:06:45,121
Speaker 5: bears in house for six children. So we started off

1487
01:06:45,121 --> 01:06:48,401
Speaker 5: with two hospitals. We now have five hospitals. We're venturing

1488
01:06:48,401 --> 01:06:50,841
Speaker 5: out this year into Melbourne as well. We do Sydney

1489
01:06:50,841 --> 01:06:54,441
Speaker 5: Gold Coast Brisbane and we deliver hundreds of bears to

1490
01:06:54,561 --> 01:06:56,841
Speaker 5: children over Christmas Week, so when they wake up on

1491
01:06:56,921 --> 01:06:59,721
Speaker 5: Christmas Day in hospital, they've got some lunar magic and

1492
01:06:59,761 --> 01:07:02,601
Speaker 5: a little bear for a safe keeping. Everything is done

1493
01:07:02,601 --> 01:07:05,041
Speaker 5: on donations, so it's twenty five dollars for a US

1494
01:07:05,041 --> 01:07:07,161
Speaker 5: standard bear. It's fifty dollars for a bear with a

1495
01:07:07,201 --> 01:07:10,681
Speaker 5: costume which children love and it is a genuine Build

1496
01:07:10,721 --> 01:07:14,081
Speaker 5: a Bear product and we get Luna's helpers to deliver

1497
01:07:14,161 --> 01:07:17,521
Speaker 5: them over Christmas Week and children. It brings a bit

1498
01:07:17,521 --> 01:07:20,121
Speaker 5: of light and magic to children over the Christmas period.

1499
01:07:20,521 --> 01:07:23,481
Speaker 5: It's a tradition we do for lou because that was

1500
01:07:23,561 --> 01:07:25,601
Speaker 5: over that time we were in hospital as well, and

1501
01:07:26,201 --> 01:07:29,121
Speaker 5: my dad actually he started that because he was looking

1502
01:07:29,161 --> 01:07:31,201
Speaker 5: for a bear for Luna when she was in hospital

1503
01:07:31,201 --> 01:07:33,161
Speaker 5: and there was nothing around. There was no teddies for

1504
01:07:33,241 --> 01:07:37,081
Speaker 5: him to purchase. So that was another initiative that came

1505
01:07:37,161 --> 01:07:39,001
Speaker 5: up where it's like, how do we not have teddies

1506
01:07:39,001 --> 01:07:42,761
Speaker 5: around children? Let's bring some you know, some childhood memories

1507
01:07:42,801 --> 01:07:45,041
Speaker 5: and now we do the build a bear. We started

1508
01:07:45,041 --> 01:07:48,401
Speaker 5: with one hundred bears and now we're doing hundreds upon hundreds.

1509
01:07:49,001 --> 01:07:52,121
Speaker 3: That's incredible. So honestly, thank you so much for sharing everything.

1510
01:07:52,121 --> 01:07:54,161
Speaker 3: I know, even anyone who was going through grief of

1511
01:07:54,161 --> 01:07:57,801
Speaker 3: their own, like sharing your story and sharing in the outs,

1512
01:07:57,881 --> 01:07:59,361
Speaker 3: the depths, the things that no one wants to talk

1513
01:07:59,401 --> 01:08:01,761
Speaker 3: about and the shame that comes with grief that you

1514
01:08:01,881 --> 01:08:03,921
Speaker 3: travel and go through on your own, will be so

1515
01:08:04,001 --> 01:08:06,721
Speaker 3: helpful for anybody or even anybody who hasn't gone through

1516
01:08:06,841 --> 01:08:09,001
Speaker 3: grief and they want to know how to support somebody

1517
01:08:09,041 --> 01:08:12,001
Speaker 3: who's going through grief. This has been even helpful for

1518
01:08:12,041 --> 01:08:14,041
Speaker 3: me as somebody who can support the people around me

1519
01:08:14,041 --> 01:08:14,841
Speaker 3: who go through that too.

1520
01:08:14,961 --> 01:08:18,080
Speaker 1: So thank you so much, Thank you me do you. Thanks.

1521
01:08:18,641 --> 01:08:20,601
Speaker 2: We'll leave all of your details in our show notes,

1522
01:08:20,641 --> 01:08:22,601
Speaker 2: and yeah, we'd love to support you this year as

1523
01:08:22,601 --> 01:08:25,521
Speaker 2: well anyway we can you let us know you much.

1524
01:08:25,921 --> 01:08:26,521
Speaker 1: Thank you,