WEBVTT - Anxiety, birth stories, and baby #2 panic 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.840 Ad A Lady, ad a lady, A lady ad Lady. 0:00:02.960 --> 0:00:06.399 I'm filtered. Hey, welcome to another podcast. 0:00:07.160 --> 0:00:11.840 Hi guys, Hailey Pierson over there, we are at Lady Unfiltered. 0:00:11.840 --> 0:00:14.760 We're besties. We're business partners where the creators of adel 0:00:14.840 --> 0:00:17.799 Lady hollow I say, hey, lossy media, and we do 0:00:17.920 --> 0:00:25.720 everything together except bad. All right, what are we talking about? 0:00:25.880 --> 0:00:28.560 Oh, Hailey Pierson? All right, today we're talking about your 0:00:28.560 --> 0:00:31.600 morbid brain. Because your brain. Yeah, like I thought I. 0:00:31.560 --> 0:00:34.320 Was morbid, I'm way more morbid than you are. You 0:00:34.400 --> 0:00:35.800 feed my morbility though. 0:00:35.760 --> 0:00:38.320 Yeah, I'm a feeder. 0:00:38.479 --> 0:00:39.560 You make everything worse. 0:00:39.720 --> 0:00:44.000 And we are talking birthing stories, yes, because you are 0:00:44.000 --> 0:00:46.440 in the thick of all your friends having babies, but 0:00:46.479 --> 0:00:47.920 you're also crowning. 0:00:48.080 --> 0:00:51.639 So hello, It's why I've got a. 0:00:51.560 --> 0:00:53.200 Pillow here so it doesn't get awkward that you see 0:00:53.200 --> 0:00:53.880 your hands come out. 0:00:53.920 --> 0:00:56.120 I would deliver that baby for you in a heartbood. 0:00:56.400 --> 0:00:58.760 I would, I would, I would. I would be grossed out. 0:00:58.800 --> 0:01:01.880 I love every moment anyway. Well, let's start with our 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:04.759 memo the week though, like we do with every podcast. 0:01:04.920 --> 0:01:07.800 Ah, so this morning I woke up. It's a little 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:09.399 bit about a bit, a bit, a bit of better 0:01:09.480 --> 0:01:12.200 down the hallway, which I love. You know, one day 0:01:12.319 --> 0:01:13.960 Sophia won't be running into our room. 0:01:14.080 --> 0:01:14.560 I love that. 0:01:14.600 --> 0:01:17.119 And I jump on the bed, she jump on the bed, 0:01:17.160 --> 0:01:20.760 and we always like, how is your sleep? Are you 0:01:20.800 --> 0:01:23.319 feeling good? Are you excited about your day? We ask 0:01:23.360 --> 0:01:26.800 her all these questions, to which she replied, I'm not 0:01:26.840 --> 0:01:29.600 doing cuddles today. Are there any more questions? 0:01:30.200 --> 0:01:33.640 What? Why she's so serious? I don't know such. She's 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:34.440 so intimidating. 0:01:35.720 --> 0:01:38.600 She literally scares me'm I just want to love you, 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:40.120 but she's a tiny little dictator. 0:01:40.920 --> 0:01:43.440 She is a dictator. I just want to love you. 0:01:43.440 --> 0:01:45.920 You're my child, and we're just so excited to see 0:01:45.920 --> 0:01:47.720 you because we haven't seen you all night, and I 0:01:47.760 --> 0:01:50.240 just want to give you cuddles and love. No more cuddles, 0:01:50.640 --> 0:01:52.120 other questions, And. 0:01:52.160 --> 0:01:55.440 Then you set me a photo of her back to you, 0:01:55.480 --> 0:01:57.480 just looking out the windows, staring into space. 0:01:57.840 --> 0:02:01.120 Yeah, as I do her hair, as I put my caristas, 0:02:01.240 --> 0:02:04.760 you know, expensive oil through her hair, and I brush 0:02:04.800 --> 0:02:07.280 her hair. She can never say she had a terrible childhood. 0:02:07.320 --> 0:02:09.720 No, you need to film all this stuff so she knows. Yeah, 0:02:09.720 --> 0:02:11.800 because she will grow up telling people that she was, 0:02:12.120 --> 0:02:16.960 she will neglect it. My mem of the week is okay, 0:02:17.040 --> 0:02:21.680 so the headline. The headline is Hailey loses the thumb. 0:02:24.240 --> 0:02:27.920 So okay. This is completely my fault. And it's a 0:02:27.960 --> 0:02:32.799 warning to you that you should not leave something if 0:02:32.800 --> 0:02:34.200 it's got something to do with your health. Don't just 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:37.040 leave it okay, like you and I do all the time. 0:02:37.160 --> 0:02:38.840 Anybody else I would tell them go and get that 0:02:38.840 --> 0:02:41.000 shit fixed. But because it was me, I just kept 0:02:41.040 --> 0:02:43.720 it going. I had a green thumb for about eleven 0:02:43.760 --> 0:02:46.399 months and I kept covering it up, and no one 0:02:46.440 --> 0:02:48.880 really was too phase by it, and I wasn't phased 0:02:48.880 --> 0:02:50.120 by it. I was like, I will grow out or 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:52.480 grow out. And then about a week ago it started 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:58.600 having its own heartbeat and like throbbing, like really throbbing 0:02:58.639 --> 0:03:02.240 and painful. And I said to my husband my thumb, 0:03:02.320 --> 0:03:04.800 I think my thumb's infected, like it's so sore. And 0:03:04.840 --> 0:03:07.280 he looked at it and he's like, you need to 0:03:07.320 --> 0:03:09.120 go to the doctor. You might have staff and you 0:03:09.200 --> 0:03:11.080 might have to have your thumb cut off. 0:03:11.120 --> 0:03:13.000 It actually looks like a pistachio nut. 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:16.600 It was worse than a mustachio. It was what is 0:03:16.639 --> 0:03:18.480 the thing that everyone's eating at the moment, the chocolate 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:27.480 chocolate thumb. It was so ruined for you. So it 0:03:27.560 --> 0:03:29.880 was so green that I went to get it all 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:32.920 shaved off. So they took all the thumb stuff off, 0:03:32.960 --> 0:03:35.000 and it turns out it's just like it's a normal 0:03:35.040 --> 0:03:38.400 thing everyone gets, well not everyone, but gross people like 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:40.839 me get it. It's like a fungal thing. 0:03:41.000 --> 0:03:42.400 Oh that you don't have a nail on there at 0:03:42.400 --> 0:03:42.640 the post. 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:44.880 It's taken off. It's been taken off. It's disgusting. But 0:03:45.000 --> 0:03:47.240 then I was thinking, like this is where my brain goes. 0:03:47.640 --> 0:03:50.800 I was like, okay, so if I have to get 0:03:50.840 --> 0:03:53.320 my thumb amputated, I'll only have four fingers, and that's 0:03:53.320 --> 0:03:55.520 my painting hand, which means I won't be able to 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:58.480 paint or I'll be on like sixty minutes in a 0:03:58.480 --> 0:04:03.160 few years time. Being that with four fingers, panote speaker 0:04:03.200 --> 0:04:06.040 around the world talking about how I don't have a thumb. 0:04:06.200 --> 0:04:09.280 This is your morbid brain. You went straight to your 0:04:09.280 --> 0:04:11.840 thumb is about to be cut off? Yes, not just 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:15.920 oh my thumb is infected. I might get some antiseptic cream. 0:04:16.000 --> 0:04:17.720 Okay, So this leads us into what we're going to 0:04:17.800 --> 0:04:20.839 talk about. So when people meet us, I don't know 0:04:20.839 --> 0:04:22.320 if you get this, but I get a lot that 0:04:22.320 --> 0:04:25.640 you're very happy. You're a very happy person, generally quite happy. Yeah, 0:04:25.680 --> 0:04:29.120 I would say I'm an excitable person. I get excited 0:04:29.200 --> 0:04:31.799 very easily. But the dopamine leaves my body very fast 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:32.200 as well. 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:34.800 We're up and we're down just as quick as we're up. 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:40.280 Yep, it's a wild ride. So my morbid brain, I'm 0:04:40.320 --> 0:04:45.039 probably the happiest morbid person walking around on Earth, I 0:04:45.080 --> 0:04:49.640 would say my brain until twenty three, I was carefree. 0:04:49.720 --> 0:04:51.960 I was like, and I know you were too, before 0:04:51.960 --> 0:04:56.000 you experienced anything like trauma in your life. We were 0:04:56.360 --> 0:04:59.520 so carefree. I did some dumb things. I lived on 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:02.000 the edge dangerously. I do things just because it would 0:05:02.040 --> 0:05:03.000 make other people laugh. 0:05:03.279 --> 0:05:06.200 I would laugh from morning, like from the minute I 0:05:06.279 --> 0:05:08.160 woke up to the minute I went to sleep. Yeah, 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:09.200 everything was a joke. 0:05:09.279 --> 0:05:13.039 And doing stupid things that were actually potentially life threatening 0:05:13.080 --> 0:05:14.760 and dangerous that I wouldn't do now but kind of 0:05:14.800 --> 0:05:16.719 risky and yeah, and it was fun. Like the adrenaline 0:05:16.760 --> 0:05:19.560 was pumping. So when I it all started, I'm going 0:05:19.600 --> 0:05:21.600 to tell you now just so this is if this 0:05:21.680 --> 0:05:23.960 is you going through this? Hopefully it can help. I'll 0:05:23.960 --> 0:05:27.680 tell you how this small but brain started and probably 0:05:27.680 --> 0:05:30.920 my lowest point, and then how I've gone about trying 0:05:30.960 --> 0:05:33.240 to fix it because I am in a better place 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:35.840 with it at the moment, even though you probably don't 0:05:35.839 --> 0:05:39.400 think I am as crazy as I was. So it 0:05:39.520 --> 0:05:41.680 started when I was twenty three. I just moved to 0:05:41.720 --> 0:05:46.279 Queensland for work for radio with my husband, and I 0:05:46.320 --> 0:05:50.280 got a phone call from Mum and Dad just saying 0:05:50.279 --> 0:05:52.760 that my uncle had been killed in a car accident. 0:05:53.120 --> 0:05:55.880 And it was that moment I remember where I was, 0:05:55.960 --> 0:06:00.800 that the chemistry in my brain flicked and I've never 0:06:00.800 --> 0:06:03.640 been the same since. And I was put on this 0:06:04.040 --> 0:06:09.119 like trajectory going I'm gonna worry about every single person 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:11.120 that I love, and someone is going to die. So 0:06:11.200 --> 0:06:13.880 I was obviously I was thinking about my cousins who 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:18.320 had lost their dad and thinking and feeling how they 0:06:18.360 --> 0:06:21.080 would have felt when this all happened. And so from 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:24.880 then on I started really worrying all the time. If 0:06:24.920 --> 0:06:27.599 Mom didn't answer the phone or if Dad did not 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:30.039 the phone, they were dead. Even now, I go on 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:33.599 life through sixty and I'll zoom in and if sometimes 0:06:33.680 --> 0:06:35.960 and this has happened before, I'll go, why is mum 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:39.040 at s Andrew's hospital? Oh, my god, she's dead. My 0:06:39.040 --> 0:06:42.800 brain goes to the worst and because because I have 0:06:43.000 --> 0:06:45.800 this creative brain, I see things in my head. So 0:06:46.600 --> 0:06:48.680 and I thought this. I've always thought this is normal, 0:06:48.680 --> 0:06:52.240 that everybody else has this, but apparently it's not. I see, 0:06:52.600 --> 0:06:54.880 when you tell me a story, I'll visually see it, 0:06:55.240 --> 0:06:57.720 and I'm there in that story with you. So I 0:06:57.880 --> 0:07:00.800 feel how I would if it was actually happening. Does 0:07:00.800 --> 0:07:01.320 that make sense? 0:07:01.360 --> 0:07:03.880 So you always go to the worst case scenario. 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:06.400 But I'm seeing it and I feel it, and I 0:07:06.440 --> 0:07:09.080 get the actual physical emotion coming out in me, like 0:07:09.120 --> 0:07:10.400 the sweaty palms. 0:07:10.000 --> 0:07:13.160 And things like that, the shooting yourself, all of that stuff. 0:07:13.440 --> 0:07:15.240 So it started when I was twenty three, worrying about 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:18.080 my mum and dad, and then it got really bad 0:07:18.200 --> 0:07:21.280 when I've had kids and with Jimmy, and I remember 0:07:21.320 --> 0:07:24.760 one moment where I was home with the two boys 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:29.000 and Jimmy was surfing, and every time he would surf, 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:32.440 I would see in my head him getting taken by 0:07:32.440 --> 0:07:35.000 a shark or him being killed in a car accident 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:38.600 on the way down to Victor and my biggest fear. 0:07:38.840 --> 0:07:41.640 And I've since found out that this is a common 0:07:41.680 --> 0:07:45.320 fear is to have. And I don't know why two 0:07:45.400 --> 0:07:48.000 police officers knocking at my door thinking telling me that 0:07:48.080 --> 0:07:50.360 someone that I love has died. Right, I've always had 0:07:50.360 --> 0:07:55.320 this weird vision. So I'm at home, I've got like 0:07:55.320 --> 0:07:59.280 a one and a four year old Jimmy's surfing and 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:01.920 I do hear knock at the door. And we've got 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:04.200 one of those doors back then in our old house 0:08:04.200 --> 0:08:07.400 where you see like the windows between the wood frames 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:09.800 so you can see people coming in and coming out. 0:08:10.360 --> 0:08:13.880 I can see out, and I saw two people coming 0:08:14.680 --> 0:08:18.960 in uniform, and I'm not kidding. I went into the 0:08:19.000 --> 0:08:22.120 full shock of this is it, It's about to happen. 0:08:22.520 --> 0:08:25.160 I felt my leaves gave way, I fell onto the 0:08:25.360 --> 0:08:27.880 like the corridor I was. I was walking to the 0:08:27.880 --> 0:08:29.240 door and I was like, oh my god, they're about 0:08:29.240 --> 0:08:30.920 to tell me, Oh my god, this is happening. They're 0:08:30.920 --> 0:08:33.040 going to tell me that jim is dead. Like I 0:08:33.120 --> 0:08:37.280 was feeling everything. And then I opened the door. It's 0:08:37.320 --> 0:08:42.000 not funny, but there were two Mormons standing at my door. 0:08:42.400 --> 0:08:45.440 This sounds like a movie. There were two Mormons selling 0:08:45.440 --> 0:08:51.200 the Bible at my door, and they weren't place. I've 0:08:51.240 --> 0:08:53.880 never been happy to see Mormons in my life. 0:08:54.920 --> 0:08:57.400 I'm thinking, what's the famous Book of Woman there? 0:08:59.160 --> 0:09:06.760 That's what I pictured. Little Mormon outfits. 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:08.480 Have I never heard these? 0:09:08.720 --> 0:09:12.359 I've told this before. I have never heard. 0:09:12.080 --> 0:09:15.280 This because I know your brain and it's happened to me. 0:09:16.240 --> 0:09:21.360 When you lose someone so close to you, everyone in 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:25.400 your life becomes their next, their next, you know. I 0:09:25.440 --> 0:09:28.280 remember Mum left her phone in the laundry. So after 0:09:28.320 --> 0:09:30.880 my ex partner passed away, Mom left her phone in 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:32.920 the laundry, she got to her phone, there was like 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:36.120 thirty six miss calls and by the time she picked up, 0:09:36.240 --> 0:09:38.720 I was screaming, wailing. 0:09:38.360 --> 0:09:40.439 You're dad, You're dad. 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:42.800 She's like, no, I just left my phone in the laundry. 0:09:42.920 --> 0:09:45.040 Don't leave your phone in the laundry, Mom, fucking idiot. 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:48.880 She couldn't comprehend because even my mom, my mom has 0:09:48.920 --> 0:09:52.160 managed to go through pretty unscathed, like in the sense 0:09:52.200 --> 0:09:53.760 of she's lost her parents but they were like in 0:09:53.800 --> 0:09:54.440 their nineties. 0:09:54.520 --> 0:09:55.960 Yeah, but she has to be strong for you. She's 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:56.320 the mom. 0:09:56.520 --> 0:09:58.240 Yeah, And so I was just like, why would you 0:09:58.320 --> 0:10:03.960 leave your phone like and you and I like just yeap, oh, 0:10:04.000 --> 0:10:04.679 it's we go. 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:08.679 To the worst. And it started I reckon when like 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:12.680 when I first had Austin and I was walking through 0:10:12.720 --> 0:10:17.000 a house and we had tiles, and this is again 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:19.960 very more, but I would hear the sound of his 0:10:20.160 --> 0:10:22.439 head cracking on the tiles, like I'm dropping the baby. 0:10:22.520 --> 0:10:25.640 I know it's fucked. It's so fucked. I hate my 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:29.880 brain so much. I have tried everything to stop these 0:10:29.920 --> 0:10:32.520 awful thoughts, and I think age has helped me a 0:10:32.520 --> 0:10:35.840 little bit, Like I'm I still go to those places, 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:39.800 like I still think of the worst, and especially at 0:10:39.800 --> 0:10:42.240 an age now where I've got kids at eleven fourteen 0:10:42.280 --> 0:10:45.520 and they're off like riding to their friend's house, say, 0:10:45.960 --> 0:10:49.600 oh my god, riding and like driveways, I see all 0:10:49.640 --> 0:10:51.559 the dangers. My dad's an alarmist. I think this is 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:53.840 where I get it from. He's an alarmist, so he 0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:56.560 sees the danger in everything, and he's put it onto me. 0:10:56.800 --> 0:10:58.600 And now this is what I want to tell you. 0:10:58.920 --> 0:11:02.440 I put it onto Olphie. So Alphie is eleven years old. 0:11:02.760 --> 0:11:05.360 I didn't tell you this last week. Well, you know 0:11:05.400 --> 0:11:08.040 a couple of weeks ago, an email from the school saying, 0:11:08.320 --> 0:11:11.400 Alfie's in the sick bay. He's just eaten blue tag. 0:11:11.440 --> 0:11:12.600 He thinks he's gonna die. 0:11:12.920 --> 0:11:15.400 And then I cracked the joke that he was gonna 0:11:15.400 --> 0:11:17.640 die to him, and that went down like a lead below. 0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:19.720 Yeah, this is what I mean. You feed. You're not 0:11:19.840 --> 0:11:24.000 good in these situations. So what okay, So when someone's morbid, 0:11:24.679 --> 0:11:26.400 you need a friend that is going to say to 0:11:26.440 --> 0:11:27.600 you everything's going to be okay. 0:11:27.760 --> 0:11:28.240 That's not me. 0:11:28.440 --> 0:11:31.880 You are the friend that goes like, so you'll actually 0:11:31.880 --> 0:11:33.240 put the fear of God into me and go, oh 0:11:33.240 --> 0:11:34.199 my god, is he gonna die? 0:11:34.280 --> 0:11:36.400 Is he gonna die? Well no, because then you went 0:11:36.440 --> 0:11:38.400 and picked up Alfie from the sick bait because he 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:39.760 thought he was going to die. And then he rocked 0:11:39.840 --> 0:11:41.200 up and I was like, oh, Alpha, you're here for 0:11:41.400 --> 0:11:43.199 like your last day on the planet to spend the 0:11:43.200 --> 0:11:43.880 adel lady. 0:11:43.679 --> 0:11:46.880 Obviously to a morbid kid. Will I thought it was. 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:48.760 Funny, and then I offered him chocolate. 0:11:49.640 --> 0:11:51.000 Nah, and you looked at. 0:11:50.880 --> 0:11:53.120 Me and you were just like, mate, stop, it's not funny. No. 0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:58.200 He so I've accidentally somehow have passed this down to him. 0:11:58.280 --> 0:12:00.640 So it happened again. Last week. I don't know why 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:02.880 he keeps eating shit at school, but I get a 0:12:02.880 --> 0:12:05.439 call from the sick bait Hi. No, first of all, 0:12:05.440 --> 0:12:08.240 I got messages from him on his little iPad going, Mom, 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:11.680 I'm dying. I've just eaten with Whizz Fizz in science 0:12:11.720 --> 0:12:14.040 and I think I'm choking me and my best made 0:12:14.080 --> 0:12:16.400 of choking. Help. I can't breathe, and I'm like, what 0:12:16.480 --> 0:12:18.560 the hell's going on? Then I talked to the lady 0:12:18.559 --> 0:12:20.439 of the sick bay and she's like, he's at the 0:12:20.480 --> 0:12:23.920 sick Bacon and he's saying that he feels really sick 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:25.480 and that he's got a headache and that he thinks 0:12:25.480 --> 0:12:27.079 he's going to die. And I'm like, well, was this lady? 0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:33.520 Are quiet talking? Yeah? Sounded like a pile hakee quiet talkers? 0:12:33.720 --> 0:12:36.439 Can you please speak up? I can't hear you say 0:12:36.440 --> 0:12:38.880 it loud? Can you yell at me from the sick bay? 0:12:39.040 --> 0:12:41.160 What is wrong with my child? 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:41.880 There? 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:44.160 Anything worse is this? She was eating a banana as well. 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:45.839 I'm stuck in it. 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:50.800 So anyway, he's legit feels like he's going to die. 0:12:50.920 --> 0:12:52.800 And then he said to me that night, Mum, I 0:12:52.960 --> 0:12:55.640 just I feel like this year. I'm thinking about death 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:58.880 a lot, and I'm like, oh my god, stop, I'm 0:12:58.920 --> 0:13:01.680 so sorry. I don't want to is onto you. But 0:13:01.800 --> 0:13:06.160 because I am scared of everything, I probably do put 0:13:06.160 --> 0:13:07.800 a little bit of fear into them that I don't 0:13:07.840 --> 0:13:10.600 hold back. If you are, I'll say to him, if 0:13:10.640 --> 0:13:12.719 you're gonna cross the street and a car comes, you'll 0:13:12.720 --> 0:13:13.840 get flattened and you'll die. 0:13:14.200 --> 0:13:17.960 But you're also slightly cooked in a sense of you 0:13:17.960 --> 0:13:20.439 don't let your kids eat at home by themselves, nah, 0:13:20.559 --> 0:13:21.960 because you think they're gonna die in choke. 0:13:22.040 --> 0:13:24.800 I did it last night we were out Austin, my 0:13:24.960 --> 0:13:27.640 fourteen year old, was there by himself. I made him 0:13:27.679 --> 0:13:30.600 eat dinner before we left because I didn't want him 0:13:30.600 --> 0:13:35.040 to eat. I hate my prey that ish. 0:13:35.080 --> 0:13:38.080 Like I remember, I've heard the conversations Austin's at home 0:13:38.400 --> 0:13:40.480 and you're like, don't you dare eat? If I found 0:13:40.520 --> 0:13:43.840 out you've eaten something, he could die of hunger, Like. 0:13:43.920 --> 0:13:46.880 Just let the kid eat. No, I would rather I 0:13:46.920 --> 0:13:50.840 would die of hunger. That's a long death. That's okay, 0:13:51.480 --> 0:13:55.920 dying of choking by yourself, Like that's a real thing. 0:13:56.360 --> 0:13:57.120 But he could. 0:13:56.920 --> 0:13:58.719 Literally do you know what I said? This to my 0:13:58.800 --> 0:14:01.200 mum once when we were oversea. My mum gets so 0:14:01.320 --> 0:14:04.240 stressed when we go away. Anything could happen. The war 0:14:04.320 --> 0:14:07.000 could break out, the plane could go down. Mum's stressed 0:14:07.000 --> 0:14:09.720 about that. But when we were away there was an 0:14:09.840 --> 0:14:12.960 accident where I stand all the time in the city 0:14:13.200 --> 0:14:16.120 and a car went into pedestrians. That's right, And I 0:14:16.160 --> 0:14:19.000 was like, Mom, I'm more likely to have died there 0:14:19.120 --> 0:14:20.080 than I am to die. 0:14:20.080 --> 0:14:24.600 You're seen you drive, Yes, she has. She goes like this, 0:14:26.040 --> 0:14:31.520 she shuts her eyes. That's like you driving. Shut So 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:34.040 all right, if you've got it more of the brain. 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:36.120 I've got a couple of things that I've done that 0:14:36.360 --> 0:14:37.680 I don't know might help you. 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:38.960 Don't be friends with me. 0:14:39.160 --> 0:14:41.680 Don't be friends. Can I just say, as a friend, 0:14:42.200 --> 0:14:46.280 if I say I'm worried my mom is sick, don't say, 0:14:46.360 --> 0:14:49.240 oh my god, me too. I know she's probably gonna die. 0:14:49.600 --> 0:14:52.720 Say she's going to be fine. I don't care if 0:14:52.760 --> 0:14:55.240 you're lying. I don't care if you're lying. Just tell 0:14:55.240 --> 0:14:56.240 me everything's going to be fine. 0:14:57.320 --> 0:14:59.480 Thing to me, I need to be better. Okay, you 0:14:59.560 --> 0:15:01.320 need to be I'm gonna light to you now. 0:15:01.520 --> 0:15:03.520 Just I don't care. I'm fine with you lying, but 0:15:03.640 --> 0:15:06.120 just keep me positive. Okay, that's what I tell you. 0:15:06.160 --> 0:15:08.000 Sometimes I don't tell you things because I know you're 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:08.920 gonna make me feel worse. 0:15:10.680 --> 0:15:13.040 Your thumb is fine. You are not going to die 0:15:13.080 --> 0:15:13.680 of sepsis. 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:18.280 Okay, thank you. Okay. So this is what I've tried, hypnotherapy. 0:15:18.800 --> 0:15:21.720 I went and saw a hypnotist, like a proper hypnotist 0:15:21.760 --> 0:15:25.040 that do like they deal with people who are totally 0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:28.280 afraid of needles and things like that. So I went there, 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:31.000 I had a session. I had two sessions, and they 0:15:31.280 --> 0:15:35.880 talk me through how to combat having a morbid brain. 0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:41.400 I don't know for helped, but they gave me tools 0:15:41.480 --> 0:15:44.880 I guess to think about when you are going to 0:15:44.960 --> 0:15:47.720 that bad thought, to quickly pivot your brain to think 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:50.480 of something else. So when you know you're about to 0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:52.040 think of that, think of the other thing. Do you 0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:53.880 know what I mean? That stops you from thinking about it. 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:58.640 I don't know if that helped, but I think hypnotherapy 0:15:58.680 --> 0:16:03.080 can be quite powerful. Dad's stopped smoking through hypnotherapy, so 0:16:04.080 --> 0:16:06.280 you could try that. The other thing I've done is 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:10.680 like I'm I'm hardly medicated. You are high as a 0:16:10.760 --> 0:16:21.880 cut I am on anti anxiety tablets. I won't say 0:16:21.880 --> 0:16:23.280 the brand name or anything. 0:16:22.960 --> 0:16:26.000 But what like Louis Vuitton or something Louis Bitton. 0:16:26.240 --> 0:16:31.560 Yeah, it's made me feel lighter, like I don't go 0:16:31.640 --> 0:16:35.760 to that dark place immediately. I just go to the surface, 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:40.200 but I still go there. And I also think, I 0:16:40.240 --> 0:16:44.200 think what's happened is I'm always waiting if something everything's 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:45.960 good in my life, I'm waiting for the bad thing 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:48.360 it's going to happen. But then someone said to me, 0:16:49.080 --> 0:16:51.680 the bad thing will happen one day, like your parents 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:54.400 will die one day. This will happen one day, So 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:56.000 why waste your life worrying? 0:16:56.320 --> 0:16:57.040 Did I say that? 0:16:57.200 --> 0:16:59.040 No, you never give insightful things like that. 0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:03.840 I was like, oh my god, did I say that? 0:17:04.119 --> 0:17:05.840 So? Did I say that as your best friend? I 0:17:05.880 --> 0:17:07.120 have another friend that something? 0:17:09.359 --> 0:17:12.160 So anyway, I sort of did sound like something i'd say, 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:14.800 like one day everyone in your life will die. That 0:17:14.880 --> 0:17:15.359 is something I. 0:17:15.400 --> 0:17:18.800 Would say and put a real datner on those things 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:23.080 ruin your day. All right, So there's morbid brain tackled with. 0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:25.919 I hope if you do have a morbid brain, I've 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:27.520 made you feel a little bit better about your own. 0:17:27.560 --> 0:17:29.719 It's normal if you love things. The bigger the love, 0:17:29.760 --> 0:17:32.679 the bigger the loss. Anyway. Yeah, let's move on to 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:34.720 birthing stories. 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:37.160 Oh man, I mean you're looking at me. You can 0:17:37.200 --> 0:17:41.200 see right now your best friend Laren has really Laren 0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:45.160 and really just I'm wearing my pregnancy tights. I've got 0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:47.880 wet hair. You're lucky. I put on a fucking bra 0:17:48.119 --> 0:17:48.760 for you today. 0:17:48.880 --> 0:17:53.080 Like I, I can't tell anyway, I have just given 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:56.359 up on life. Yeah, you're at that stage. 0:17:56.720 --> 0:17:59.639 So I'm just over six months pregnant, and I am 0:18:00.440 --> 0:18:02.640 I can't be fucked like, to. 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:04.320 Be honest, you gave up at four weeks pregnant. The 0:18:04.320 --> 0:18:07.439 second you've found out you're like Lily. When I finished banging, 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:11.479 I was, I can't carry boxes anymore. Sorry, guys, I'm 0:18:11.480 --> 0:18:12.320 four weeks pregnant. 0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:15.240 We were in the office one day and everyone was 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:16.840 carrying like piece of babe. 0:18:16.920 --> 0:18:17.639 I can't do that. 0:18:17.640 --> 0:18:19.080 I can't. I'm with child. 0:18:20.280 --> 0:18:22.159 Do you know what? You actually have every right too 0:18:22.240 --> 0:18:26.399 because you're growing another human being inside you. You are 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:30.639 growing a brain and eyeballs and eyelashes and livers and 0:18:30.800 --> 0:18:31.239 all of that. 0:18:31.400 --> 0:18:35.280 But you know, well, you've had two kids both pregnancies 0:18:35.359 --> 0:18:39.040 very different, right, Yeah. First pregnancy for me, she was 0:18:39.080 --> 0:18:42.240 a breeze. I was just I got through. I wasn't 0:18:42.280 --> 0:18:44.800 really sick, just a little bit nauseous. At the beginning, 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:50.040 everything was fine. This one has taken every single thing 0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:52.440 out of me. I don't want to socialize. I don't 0:18:52.440 --> 0:18:54.600 want to go out. I don't want to see people. 0:18:54.840 --> 0:18:57.040 I don't want to get dressed. I like to be 0:18:57.040 --> 0:18:58.920 in the shower. I like to be in the shower. 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:02.439 I'm having like four showers a day. Yeah, because and 0:19:02.480 --> 0:19:04.520 I'm washing my hair four times a day. Hence why 0:19:04.520 --> 0:19:07.080 it's wet, and because when the water hits me and 0:19:07.160 --> 0:19:10.000 it's hot, I feel calm. Yep. 0:19:10.119 --> 0:19:12.520 And it's your own space. Do you lock the doors 0:19:12.520 --> 0:19:13.520 so no one else can come in? 0:19:13.680 --> 0:19:15.000 I don't lock the door, like I don't want to 0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:17.480