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Speaker 1: Hi'm my Boris, and this is straight talk.

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Speaker 2: If you want to be known as the best lover

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Speaker 2: that they've ever had, then you should be.

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Speaker 1: Oh well, Chantellotten, welcome to straight talk.

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Speaker 2: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: You are a sexologist?

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Speaker 2: I am, yeah.

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Speaker 1: Can we do with a couple of myths? Doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: how long the performance takes.

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Speaker 2: Yes it does. If you're having sex with someone who

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Speaker 2: has evolver, they need to be pleasured for at least

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Speaker 2: twenty five to thirty minutes. And I'm not just saying

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Speaker 2: it's like jackhammering pumping someone away.

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Speaker 1: Not for twenty five minutes. No, you need to be

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Speaker 1: Is it a rule of farm about the number of

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Speaker 1: times a week an individual should have sex? Like this

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Speaker 1: is are a cadence that's healthy.

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Speaker 2: For penis owner. You should be masturbating because it does

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Speaker 2: reduce your risk of prostate cancer. So definitely, like once

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Speaker 2: or twice a week would be really great. Move past

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Speaker 2: your own ego and thinking that you're going to be

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Speaker 2: the best lover that they ever had because they're their

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Speaker 2: own best lover and they're going to be able to

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Speaker 2: coach you to be an even better lover.

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Speaker 1: Because I actually have a friend that sunds a bit

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Speaker 1: weird to have a friend, but it's not me. Yes,

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Speaker 1: that's right, Chantellotten, welcome to stray Talk.

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Speaker 2: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: You are a sexologist, I am first. Could you just

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Speaker 1: tell me apart from that, you're an author and you've

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Speaker 1: got your own podcast too. We'll talk about that in

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Speaker 1: a moment, But can you explain to me what a

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Speaker 1: sexologist is.

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Speaker 2: It's a fancy word for a sex therapist, but what's

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Speaker 2: a sex therapist? Yes? So, as a sexologist, I help individuals, couples, groups,

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Speaker 2: anyone and everyone who has like a question or a

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Speaker 2: concern or something that they want to learn about sexuality

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Speaker 2: and relationships. I like to approach sex from a real biological, psychological, interpersonal,

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Speaker 2: and sociocultural kind of perspective. So I like to look

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Speaker 2: from a holistic perspective an individual and then find out

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Speaker 2: why things might be going off track. And so I

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Speaker 2: like to think of myself more of a sex detective.

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Speaker 2: What's happening for this individual in terms of their overall

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Speaker 2: life and why is that impacting on the sex life.

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Speaker 1: So sex therapist, sex ologist? Why would I mean? Because

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Speaker 1: I think what you describe to me is how you

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Speaker 1: go about it. But why does someone come and see

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Speaker 1: you like, give me an example, maybe a couple of

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Speaker 1: I'm sure there's hundreds of examples. Why but give me

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Speaker 1: a couple of examples. Why does someone consult you They

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Speaker 1: go to the GP and they say the GP or

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Speaker 1: is it they go to a marriage councilor like our

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Speaker 1: sex lives fucked? I want out? Does the marriage severist

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Speaker 1: perhaps say well, maybe's go and get some go see

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Speaker 1: sex ologists, Go see you Chantelle and have a chat

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Speaker 1: to her. Maybe she could help you through this process.

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Speaker 1: Is that what we'll be talking about.

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Speaker 2: I mean, that's like worst case scenario. R. Like, I

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Speaker 2: think you know you can come if you just want

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Speaker 2: to improve on your sex life. You might be having

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Speaker 2: a lot of fun, but you want to want to

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Speaker 2: have more fun, So then you can come talk to

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Speaker 2: someone like myself who can make a few suggestions, or

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Speaker 2: you know, I can refer you to someone who might

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Speaker 2: be able to help you in terms of other things

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Speaker 2: and techniques, or if you want to get into tantra,

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Speaker 2: that's not my kind of forte, so I can work

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Speaker 2: with someone who does that. But I would say, in general,

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Speaker 2: I do tend to see people who have problems, and

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Speaker 2: that could be erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, painful sex desire discrepancy,

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Speaker 2: so low desire match with someone who's got high desire.

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Speaker 2: I see a lot of people with healthcare, chronic conditions, trauma, backgrounds, disabilities,

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Speaker 2: you know, anything and everything.

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Speaker 1: Really, so if I just my brain was going crazy

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Speaker 1: thinking about all the various questions you could ask, or

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Speaker 1: I could ask. Let's talk about dysfunction, erect oalle dysfunction

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Speaker 1: for a man, and then we'll talky someone who has

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Speaker 1: penis on exactly. Well, then then we can talk about

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Speaker 1: sort of pain insects on the someone who's got a vagina.

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Speaker 2: Or anyone can have pain with sex.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, true, it doesn't have to be in the vagina,

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Speaker 1: I guess so. But let's just talk about dysfunction. If

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Speaker 1: someone comes into you, how with sexual with penal dysfunction,

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Speaker 1: how much of it is about the way they're thinking

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Speaker 1: in a neurological sense versus say, a physiological sense. So

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Speaker 1: it could bio chemical reason in other words, And if

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Speaker 1: it's biochemical reason, they just take one of these pills

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Speaker 1: because it might improve your blood flow or stop the

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Speaker 1: blood from evacuating from your penis too early. For example,

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Speaker 1: how do you work that process out?

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Speaker 2: It's quite easy. So usually when I have a patient

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Speaker 2: in front of me, I asked them if they still

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Speaker 2: get morning erections or not, or the erections.

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Speaker 1: The morning erection means what they're waking up with erection.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, they have it. They might have it during the

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Speaker 2: night or they have it in the morning, if they

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Speaker 2: notice it they're having If they're having them and you

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Speaker 2: know they haven't noticed that dropping off, then usually it's

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Speaker 2: a psychological thing that we're working with. A lot of

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Speaker 2: the time they come to me after they've tried viagra

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Speaker 2: or cialis, for example. And I often ask my patients

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Speaker 2: who do have a rectile dysfunction to try using VIAGRAA

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Speaker 2: and cialis in conjunction with psychological therapy as well, because

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Speaker 2: a rectile dysfunction is usually a bit of a self

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Speaker 2: fulfilling prophecy. You have it once you get nervous the

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Speaker 2: next time, I'm going to lose my erection again, then

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Speaker 2: I'm going to be embarrassed and I'm not going to

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Speaker 2: satisfy my sexual partner. And you know, it also taps

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Speaker 2: into masculinity and how I am as a man or

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Speaker 2: how I am as a sexual performer, for example, and

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Speaker 2: then the performance anxiety kicks in and then you lose

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Speaker 2: your erection again. So a lot of it is coaching

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Speaker 2: someone through the performance anxiety aspect of erectile dysfunction, alongside

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Speaker 2: checking their medications, their health, whether they have have you know,

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Speaker 2: a lot of fat around their stomach for example, because

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Speaker 2: I can make it difficult for blood flow down to

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Speaker 2: the genital area. Are they doing enough, are they doing

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Speaker 2: enough exercise? You know what is going on for them

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Speaker 2: that's making them have difficulties. So that's why I like

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Speaker 2: to look at it from a whole body and mind perspective.

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Speaker 1: And is that a is erect dysfunction? Let's call it

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Speaker 1: for blokes for the moment.

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Speaker 3: Is that.

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Speaker 1: A predominant reason they would come and see you, for say,

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Speaker 1: an individual, one guy, one person, one owner of a

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Speaker 1: penis as opposed to coming in as a couple. Is

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Speaker 1: that like a predominant reason people would see a see us,

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Speaker 1: for example as a sex therapist. Is that that's a

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Speaker 1: big deal, Like in terms of statistical numbers of people

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Speaker 1: coming in.

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Speaker 2: I was in the majority of people.

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Speaker 1: Is that a thing like a big thing? Yeah's mental

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Speaker 1: at all the time. What Jinna Blake's always talking about

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Speaker 1: it and is part of the reason. Then, for example,

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Speaker 1: do you ask questions like do you take too much coke?

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Speaker 1: It's not too much coke. Can we get into that

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Speaker 1: sort of territory.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, of course, I ask everything. I ask about drug use,

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Speaker 2: alcohol use, lifestyle, when are they having sex, because if

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Speaker 2: they're having sex after lots of drugs lots of alcohol,

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Speaker 2: of course you might lose your erection and then you're

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Speaker 2: getting nervous about it next time. But you have to

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Speaker 2: look at the context of your sexual experiences as well

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Speaker 2: and the timing. I ask a lot about stress levels.

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Speaker 2: I ask about self esteem, how they're feeling about themselves.

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Speaker 2: I also ask about the communication between them and their

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Speaker 2: sexual partner, because if they've lost their erection and then

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Speaker 2: their partner's gone, is it me? You know what's wrong?

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Speaker 2: What's going on with you? You can't perform or look

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Speaker 2: you've lost it. Critical kind of narratives around how your

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Speaker 2: body is functioning, especially when it's outside of your control,

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Speaker 2: is going to lead you to film more anxious about

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Speaker 2: it the next time.

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Speaker 1: In a physiological sense, and it's because of the way

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Speaker 1: your blood flow is working. You might have been fat tummy,

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Speaker 1: or just not exercizing properly, or you're getting older, things

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Speaker 1: are deteriorated. Would you be able to explain to me,

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Speaker 1: at least in a sort of a from a health

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Speaker 1: point of view, why the blood is not staying or

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Speaker 1: not either not flowing into the penis fully or not

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Speaker 1: staying in there. I mean, what's the reason. Is there

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Speaker 1: some nerve down there that's been damaged, or you know,

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Speaker 1: is the blood vessels got thick, or you know, what's

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Speaker 1: going on.

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Speaker 2: It could be quite a few reasons, to be honest,

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Speaker 2: So there's not kind of a one size fits all,

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Speaker 2: But essentially, if you're not getting enough blood pumping through

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Speaker 2: your body, or if you're getting it pulling, for example,

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Speaker 2: down the bottom of your legs because you're not doing

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Speaker 2: enough exercise for it to come back up your legs

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Speaker 2: into your genital area or vice versa. If it's kind

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Speaker 2: of getting stuck around your midpart and it's not going

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Speaker 2: down into the you know, like it's not impacting the

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Speaker 2: genital area like you want it to, or it's going

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Speaker 2: into the penis and then coming out being drawn out

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Speaker 2: quite quickly so it can get back up to the heart.

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Speaker 2: That's when we would use like a penis pump and

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Speaker 2: maybe like a cockering to make it stay in the penis.

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Speaker 1: Trap the blood. Yes, yeah, and cockerings for example, I've

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Speaker 1: never used on what I've seen them.

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Speaker 2: You can get some really fun ones Vibrate because.

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Speaker 1: We had a lady on the Mentor show who actually

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Speaker 1: that was her business and she had cockerings. The Is

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Speaker 1: there any dangerous socio with these things like trapping the

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Speaker 1: blood and the next thing you know, the blood doesn't

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Speaker 1: flow out and you've got to go to hospital or

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Speaker 1: something like that.

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Speaker 2: It's not going to be It's rarely going to get

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Speaker 2: to the point where it's going to be dangerous. But

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Speaker 2: I definitely have had. Actually, if you listen to this

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Speaker 2: season of my Audible series, because we're doing sessions with

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Speaker 2: people who volunteer to be on the po pods, so

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Speaker 2: it's a life therapy session.

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Speaker 1: Real deal.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a real deal. You get to listen to

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Speaker 2: people talking about their concerns or their challenges. We did

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Speaker 2: have one participant who was getting into kink practices and

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Speaker 2: he was using a penis pump quite regularly, to the

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Speaker 2: point that he actually his penis discolored because he had

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Speaker 2: brought so much blood down into the past. Yeah, so

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Speaker 2: it's almost like when you get a hickey or a

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Speaker 2: bruise because there's so much sucking on that area that

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Speaker 2: he had bruised his penis and it had gone quite

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Speaker 2: a dark shade that he was concerned.

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Speaker 1: About these things like popular, Like it will disappear by

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Speaker 1: the way, But are these things popular? Cockring is pumps?

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Speaker 1: Like if someone comes to Senior, do you think that's

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Speaker 1: maybe something they should be trying. Do you sell it

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Speaker 1: to them? Or how do they find this stuff like that?

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Speaker 2: I'll show them way to get it, Yeah, for sure.

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Speaker 2: So I'm going to recommend the product that I think

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Speaker 2: is relevant for their individual needs. Yeah. So I think

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Speaker 2: for myself, I'm very very particular about how I go

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Speaker 2: about my work, and I'm very much focused on the

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Speaker 2: individual and then their overall quality of life and then

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Speaker 2: their relational and sexual quality of life as well. So

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Speaker 2: if they do have a partner, if one person has

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Speaker 2: a problem, it is also a couple's problem as well.

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Speaker 2: So I do bring the partner in, but I want

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Speaker 2: to make sure they're getting very specific recommendations for their

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Speaker 2: individual needs.

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Speaker 1: And do you I mean, how important is the follow

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Speaker 1: up process. I mean, do you sort of say, okay,

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Speaker 1: go and try this. I would like to know tomorrow

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Speaker 1: morning the result of what you tried the night before,

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Speaker 1: or do you just make another point, like what's the

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Speaker 1: process and how is it? How do you encourage people

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Speaker 1: to be really open with you and honest.

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Speaker 2: You listen to the podcast, you'll find that people are

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Speaker 2: very open and honest with me. Now, I'm very good

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Speaker 2: at my job at making people feel extremely comfortable. It's

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Speaker 2: a very safe situation. It's a non judgmental space. My

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Speaker 2: job is to hear all of their questions. I don't

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Speaker 2: have a bias. I'm just there to help them, and

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Speaker 2: I want them to feel seen, hurt, understood, and supported.

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Speaker 2: It's me and them against whatever problems that they have.

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Speaker 2: In regards to the follow up process, I'll generally see

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Speaker 2: someone for a fifty minute appointment, and then i'll see

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Speaker 2: them maybe three weeks later, because they have to have

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Speaker 2: enough time to implement some of the strategies that I

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Speaker 2: give them.

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Speaker 1: EFECT give your homework home play.

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Speaker 2: I like to call it home play. Yeah. Yeah, we've

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Speaker 2: got enough work going on, don't we. We're all a

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Speaker 2: little bit stressed. So I try and and it might

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Speaker 2: be simple things like, you know, change up the time

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Speaker 2: in which you're trying to have playtime. So maybe ten

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Speaker 2: pm on a weeknight is not the right time for

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Speaker 2: you because you're absolutely cooked and your partner's cooked, and

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Speaker 2: then it's kind of robotic. Why don't you try Sunday

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Speaker 2: morning so you've had a day off to rest, you

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Speaker 2: might have done something that has filled your cup and

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Speaker 2: made you feel really good, and then Sunday morning so

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Speaker 2: you can sleep in and then just have a relaxing

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Speaker 2: time where you can engage with each other. Or if

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Speaker 2: it's an individual, I'll say, you know what, maybe you

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Speaker 2: should try going out and not having so many drinks

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Speaker 2: when you go out, or forming a connection with someone

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Speaker 2: instead of one night stands and so we talk through

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Speaker 2: the dating process, or you know, how to feel confident

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Speaker 2: in their chat game, for example. So sometimes sex is

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Speaker 2: the last thing I talk about in my sessions.

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Speaker 1: Why why is sexual health so important? Why is it

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Speaker 1: important to any one individual? What's the reason? Is it

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Speaker 1: because of the chemistry releases of all the various hormones,

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Speaker 1: et cetera that come about as a result of having it,

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Speaker 1: or is it about just about intimacy what's the reason

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Speaker 1: why it's so important.

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Speaker 2: The World Health Organization sees that as a fundamental part

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Speaker 2: of our quality of life and our health. Not only

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Speaker 2: for the way that impacts our body in various positive ways,

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Speaker 2: so the endorphins that get released, the dopamine responses, the oxytocin,

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Speaker 2: the bonding, the love hormones, but also it's great for

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Speaker 2: cutting of our scular health. It's great for stress relief,

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Speaker 2: it's great for sleep. There are so many physical benefits

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Speaker 2: of it. But from an intimate emotional point of view,

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Speaker 2: you know, the way that you can connect with yourself

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Speaker 2: is very important, So how you feel about yourself, especially

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Speaker 2: as an erotic being, because sex and eroticism is really

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Speaker 2: it's somewhere that you go. It's not just something that

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Speaker 2: you do right. It's a place that you can go

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Speaker 2: with your mind, with the way that you touch. It's

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Speaker 2: a sensory experience and it can be really incredibly beautiful

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Speaker 2: if we don't lose I guess the goal of making

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Speaker 2: it beautiful. I think a lot of the time people

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Speaker 2: get into this rhythm where they go, I have to

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Speaker 2: be doing this because it means that you know, a

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Speaker 2: I'm successful. They start looking at the goal of sex,

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Speaker 2: so penetration and orgasm. If we're talking about cis hetero relationships,

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Speaker 2: they lose the fact that sex is about pleasure and

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Speaker 2: connection and feeling into someone or into yourself with your body,

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Speaker 2: with your mind. It's such a beautiful experience. I just

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Speaker 2: think that we grew up or I definitely grew up

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Speaker 2: with a lot of movies that kind of showed it

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Speaker 2: as a bit of a novelty or a silly thing

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Speaker 2: or something that we have to be ashamed about. I mean,

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Speaker 2: I grew up with the American pie era, so that

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Speaker 2: was when my guys were fucking pies, like it doesn't

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Speaker 2: make it look that sexy, right, And it was all about,

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Speaker 2: you know, the penis and all about the pleasure of

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Speaker 2: the penis or like, I don't know, it was kind

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Speaker 2: of just dumb and silly. And I think as a female,

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Speaker 2: as a feminine person, I never learned that pleasure was

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Speaker 2: for me and a lot of my friends. I went

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Speaker 2: to an all girls school, a Catholic school. A lot

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Speaker 2: of them didn't know that pleasure was for them. And

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Speaker 2: I see the difficulties that they've had over the years,

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Speaker 2: thinking a should I be doing this because there's a

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Speaker 2: lot of shame that when you come from like a

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Speaker 2: different religion background, but also the fact that you never

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Speaker 2: get asked about consent or we never learned about consent

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Speaker 2: or boundaries or how to ask for what we want.

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Speaker 2: So my job is to really make people feel empowered

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Speaker 2: in their sexual experiences, but also within themselves and their

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Speaker 2: boundaries and their pleasure asking for what they want, saying

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Speaker 2: no setting boundaries around even like timings when you're dating

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Speaker 2: someone new and going, you don't have to rush into anything.

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Speaker 2: We had an event last night for my audible series

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Speaker 2: and there was a woman there who was like, how

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Speaker 2: do you ask someone? She would have been in her forties.

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Speaker 2: I think she's like, what do you mean you prioritize yourself? Like,

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Speaker 2: how do you prioritize yourself as a woman? You know,

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Speaker 2: I meant to be doing the washing, the cleaning, you know,

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Speaker 2: cooking food. How am I meant to ask for what

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Speaker 2: I want in the bedroom? And she's like, I listened

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Speaker 2: to half an episode of your sex therapy series and

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Speaker 2: I had to because it was so confronting for me

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Speaker 2: because I've never learned that I'm allowed to ask for

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Speaker 2: pleasure or I'm allowed to ask for what I want.

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Speaker 2: So that was a really interesting experience and I hope

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Speaker 2: to see her in my clinic maybe one day. But

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Speaker 2: the fact is, if you can feel empowered in your

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Speaker 2: erotic experiences and in yourself and your self worth, then

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Speaker 2: you can really conquer a lot of other domains of

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Speaker 2: your life as well.

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Speaker 1: You said something you very interesting a moment ago. But

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Speaker 1: when we're talking about I guess I've got to be

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Speaker 1: careful saying how I delineate this. But just by way

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Speaker 1: of example a woman, you said, you have to know

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Speaker 1: how to put out boundaries like things I don't want

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Speaker 1: you to do, but you also have to open up

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Speaker 1: a door to get things that you do want someone

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Speaker 1: to do or things that you do want to do.

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Speaker 1: Is you go sort of putting up a fance, but

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Speaker 1: you're also putting up a gate as well.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so you can look at it as like if

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Speaker 2: you're driving like a car, and your sexual experiences you

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Speaker 2: have a green light. All the things I say, yes too,

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Speaker 2: I do want to do them. I've told you I'm

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Speaker 2: so comfortable with these experiences. And then we have the

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Speaker 2: amberlte this is a maybe this is a proceed with caution.

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Speaker 2: Still you have to ask quite regularly, ongoing enthusiastic consent,

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Speaker 2: do I want this or maybe today we don't try this,

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Speaker 2: So it's an amberlite and then there's a red light.

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Speaker 2: This stuff is off the table. I don't want to

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Speaker 2: try this stuff, don't even go there. It might if

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Speaker 2: we create a safe space together and I feel really

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Speaker 2: really comfortable and safe with you, we might move some

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Speaker 2: of those things that are in the red light zone

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Speaker 2: into the amber zone and see if we can try them.

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Speaker 2: But they're are no for now.

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Speaker 1: So when someone sets that process up, let's say it's

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Speaker 1: the female, for example, in a heterosexual couple, it's a female,

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Speaker 1: how do you sort of reconcile that process with say,

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Speaker 1: being sexually adventurous? So like, how does how does that

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Speaker 1: individual indicate to the other side, the other person in

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Speaker 1: the relationship, that they're prepared to be sexually adventurous and

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Speaker 1: how important is it to be sexually adventurous in terms

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Speaker 1: of sex In terms of the advice that you give

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Speaker 1: to someone as a therapist.

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Speaker 2: It's individualis you don't have to you can be vanilla.

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Speaker 2: Vanilla is great as well, depends on who you are

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Speaker 2: and what relationship you're in. I think that probably because

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Speaker 2: of the society that we have, we view adventure as

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Speaker 2: something that we should be kind of aiming towards. But

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Speaker 2: if you're happy and satisfied and it's it's good, it's

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Speaker 2: great for you, then that's absolutely okay. I think in

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Speaker 2: regards to setting up boundaries and then trying new things,

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Speaker 2: these are things that you can discuss outside the bedroom, right,

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Speaker 2: So you never want to be in a situation with

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Speaker 2: someone where they're like, Okay, well, now I want to

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Speaker 2: try if we say something that's kind of of extreme

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Speaker 2: that is happening quite a lot at the moment, I

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Speaker 2: want to try choking, And you're like, well, okay, we've

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Speaker 2: never talked about this before. Now I'm here, I'm naked.

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Speaker 2: I mean your beds. I feel really uncomfortable. You can

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Speaker 2: go into fight flight or freeze, and often people freeze,

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Speaker 2: and that's when you have people crossing over the boundaries

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Speaker 2: of consent, and that's when you have either coercion or

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Speaker 2: you can have assault. And it can be as small

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Speaker 2: as asking someone to do something that they don't want

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Speaker 2: to do and then not having the ability within their

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Speaker 2: body or their mind to problem solve because they've become

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Speaker 2: so shocked that they end up doing something that makes

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Speaker 2: them feel really uncomfortable or potentially traumatized.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's really interesting. So when would you suggest someone

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Speaker 1: like when do they discuss that, like outside of the bedroom.

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Speaker 1: For sure, I recover a coffee or something.

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Speaker 2: I don't think it has to be over a cup

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Speaker 2: of coffee. I think for and you know, I might

401
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Speaker 2: be stereotyping a little bit here, but I think for

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Speaker 2: men masculine people usually, like driving a car works through

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Speaker 2: like when you're driving, when you're having like a long

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Speaker 2: trip together or going for a walk, often when there's

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Speaker 2: other things that you can be focusing on, so you

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Speaker 2: can kind of just talk about it more freely and

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Speaker 2: not be looking each other in the eyes and being

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Speaker 2: like how do you feel about a, B, C?

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Speaker 1: And D.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be.

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Speaker 1: Oh, by the way, that topic. It's like a by

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Speaker 1: the way type conversation.

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Speaker 2: I was listening to Chintell's podcast the other day and

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Speaker 2: then one of the guys on there he was trying,

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Speaker 2: you know, blah blah blah, and I thought that was

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Speaker 2: like kind of cool. I'd love to know what your

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Speaker 2: thoughts about it are. Maybe we should give that a

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Speaker 2: try or you know, I read this article about low

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Speaker 2: desire and high desire, and I think, you know, I

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Speaker 2: would think I would be more excited about trying some

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Speaker 2: new things if we were to create more of a

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Speaker 2: safe space in our relationship. And that means I, you know,

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Speaker 2: maybe talking about sex a little bit more. I know

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Speaker 2: it's a bit weird and uncomfortable, but I think the

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Speaker 2: more we do it, the more we practice, the easier

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Speaker 2: it will become.

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Speaker 1: It's funny generationally, like my generation, you would never talk

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Speaker 1: about that. It's like, oh my god, like it's just

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Speaker 1: not something you talk about. Can I just flip the

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Speaker 1: conversation just a little bit. Where does the prevalence of

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Speaker 1: porn sit today, particularly with young people?

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Speaker 2: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Because where I was I listening to something the other

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Speaker 1: day talking about how people between twenty and thirty are

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Speaker 1: consuming more porn than everybody over thirty. Everybody over thirty

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00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:30,640
Speaker 1: is consumed in the whole lives, so that between twenty

437
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:34,000
Speaker 1: thirty they're just and of course this all as a

438
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,920
Speaker 1: result of smart devices and smart devices not only that

439
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,880
Speaker 1: they know when you like porn and they just keep

440
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,359
Speaker 1: feeding your stuff for left, right center. In fact, I

441
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,119
Speaker 1: have a guy on my podcast who sit up porn hub,

442
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:49,000
Speaker 1: and they own most of the sites, and they so

443
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,080
Speaker 1: pretty much all the sites that everyone thinks are gone

444
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,639
Speaker 1: to different ones are alllined by the same group, as

445
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,320
Speaker 1: it turns out, but they know that different characteristics are different.

446
00:22:57,359 --> 00:23:01,040
Speaker 1: People algorithmically go into this very places and then they

447
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:04,760
Speaker 1: all just keep feeding you. But what have porn sides

448
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:06,400
Speaker 1: done to sexual health?

449
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:12,639
Speaker 2: It's very complex. I think it's like, it's, yeah, this

450
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:16,720
Speaker 2: is a layered topic porn in general. I'm not anti porn,

451
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:20,080
Speaker 2: let's be clear. I think porn can be there for entertainment.

452
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:23,120
Speaker 2: It's not meant to be for education, though. I think

453
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,280
Speaker 2: the fact of the matter is we didn't get good

454
00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:28,520
Speaker 2: sex education growing up. Still you know, it's getting there,

455
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,000
Speaker 2: but it's still a struggle to get good sex education.

456
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:33,880
Speaker 2: I certainly got none, and I learned a lot about

457
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:37,280
Speaker 2: sex from porn, so but I always knew that it

458
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:41,119
Speaker 2: was not real life, you know. I think someone had

459
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,359
Speaker 2: told me, maybe my parents had said, you know what

460
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:46,600
Speaker 2: it is, and for entertainment, it's not a real life scenario.

461
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,360
Speaker 2: And if you think about sex with someone else, it's

462
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,240
Speaker 2: going to be messy, it's going to be sticky. It's

463
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,399
Speaker 2: not always going to be about the penis owner and

464
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,920
Speaker 2: their pleasure. In fact, in most pornography, you don't see

465
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:02,880
Speaker 2: condom use, you don't see volver owners their pleasure. The glitteris.

466
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:07,120
Speaker 2: You see just a lot of kind of very sexualized

467
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:11,760
Speaker 2: behaviors that are aimed towards the penis owner gaining pleasure.

468
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:15,360
Speaker 2: And look, that's fine for some people. I wouldn't say

469
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:20,720
Speaker 2: that it is healthy for you know, learning about sexuality

470
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,359
Speaker 2: and learning about real life experiences. Nor is it healthy

471
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:29,639
Speaker 2: in regards to discussing consent and pleasuring like a woman,

472
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:34,119
Speaker 2: or knowing what a real orgasm is as opposed to

473
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,680
Speaker 2: a fake orgasm, because I think a lot of people

474
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:40,399
Speaker 2: are expecting orgasms from pornography to be these wold, you know,

475
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:45,120
Speaker 2: very vocal kind of experiences. They's come everywhere. It's very

476
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 2: kind of sticky and sexualized. So porn is there for entertainment,

477
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:54,119
Speaker 2: not for education. There are a lot of kind of

478
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,560
Speaker 2: ethical sites coming up where you are seeing ongoing consent,

479
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,879
Speaker 2: you're seeing condom use, you're seeing lubrican.

480
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:01,879
Speaker 1: Be ethical size.

481
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:07,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, so it's being produced by these are sites

482
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,119
Speaker 2: that are kind of being made by majority kind of

483
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:14,520
Speaker 2: female owned pornographies so you're seeing more pleasure aim towards

484
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:18,960
Speaker 2: evolver owner and you are seeing like condom usage or

485
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,399
Speaker 2: lubrican or saying is this okay? Do you like this?

486
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:23,600
Speaker 2: You know, move to the left, that kind of thing.

487
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 2: These things can be really sexy if you make them sexy,

488
00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:30,480
Speaker 2: they don't have to be awkward. But at the end

489
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:34,639
Speaker 2: of the day, porn does you know, watching a sexualized

490
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 2: experience on your screen, it does release dopamine. It releases

491
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,280
Speaker 2: something that makes you feel really good. The more you

492
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,399
Speaker 2: have those experiences, the more you want them, and you

493
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:47,320
Speaker 2: start to get more satisfaction from the screen than you

494
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,439
Speaker 2: do in real life scenarios, especially if you're a bit

495
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,679
Speaker 2: of a you know, maybe you're a little bit different,

496
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,520
Speaker 2: or you're not so social, you don't have a good

497
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,840
Speaker 2: group of people around you, or you find it hard

498
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 2: to find someone to date and you're finding this or like,

499
00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:05,080
Speaker 2: you know, entertainment through pornography. It doesn't make them. Real

500
00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:08,320
Speaker 2: life experiences seem that exciting, especially if you've seen it's

501
00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:12,159
Speaker 2: so kind of sexualized on the screen. It doesn't.

502
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:16,119
Speaker 1: Kenned Act, you said something interesting before about sex education.

503
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:21,359
Speaker 1: Kend act as a wrong educator. I mean part of

504
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:28,600
Speaker 1: the obvious questions, like obvious education issues, like it's right

505
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,280
Speaker 1: now at most of the major point points, I are

506
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:36,840
Speaker 1: more about the male the penis owner, as opposed to

507
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:44,159
Speaker 1: I know we're going to think about it each time, but.

508
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,200
Speaker 2: You've got to remember this is my job. So I'm like,

509
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,639
Speaker 2: it shows off my tongue. I know it doesn't do

510
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:50,800
Speaker 2: that for everyone.

511
00:26:50,920 --> 00:27:05,040
Speaker 1: But I'm getting there so good at it is. It

512
00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:07,640
Speaker 1: can be a wrong instruction, and I'll give I'll tell

513
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,399
Speaker 1: you what I mean by that. A girl's got to

514
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 1: have certain sized boobs, because that's what the porn stars

515
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:16,920
Speaker 1: all look like. It's got to have a certain type shape.

516
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 1: She's got to be prepared to do all these different

517
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:25,160
Speaker 1: things to the penisona. And then the penisona comes out

518
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:30,960
Speaker 1: with a penis that's like twelve inches long and is

519
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,760
Speaker 1: able to maintain his position for like however long it

520
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:37,880
Speaker 1: goes for an hour or two hours or something sort

521
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:42,000
Speaker 1: of pretty much all exceptions, I would imagine to the rule.

522
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:43,320
Speaker 2: What, that's not your real life.

523
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,000
Speaker 1: So but you know what I'm saying, Like, so then

524
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:52,359
Speaker 1: that can lead to disappointment or inadequacies of both sides

525
00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:55,560
Speaker 1: of the boy or the girl. You know, I like easily,

526
00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:00,080
Speaker 1: and then that can create high levels of expectations and

527
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:04,480
Speaker 1: then maybe levels of failure, et cetera. And that sort

528
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:07,280
Speaker 1: of has a bit of a process and then the

529
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,399
Speaker 1: end having to see you.

530
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,000
Speaker 3: It's shame from both sides, by the way, from both

531
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:16,680
Speaker 3: both parties, because like it looks like it's become so

532
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:20,199
Speaker 3: prevalent to me because every young guy I know, they

533
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,440
Speaker 3: all they all know all the points I and I

534
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:22,879
Speaker 3: talk to them.

535
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:25,320
Speaker 1: They all talk to me. I hear them talking. You know,

536
00:28:25,359 --> 00:28:27,919
Speaker 1: I got four sons of my own. I'm not shelving them,

537
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,680
Speaker 1: but you know, basically I go four sons, but I

538
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:34,399
Speaker 1: sort of generally generally generally know what's going on and

539
00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:38,280
Speaker 1: they and also they they sort of create expectations about

540
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:41,000
Speaker 1: what they're expecting from whoever they're with, and they also

541
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:46,400
Speaker 1: create expectations about how they should perform relatively speaking. So

542
00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,360
Speaker 1: should there be some sort of not a band, but

543
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,600
Speaker 1: should be some sort of better management of porn sites

544
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:51,120
Speaker 1: in that regard.

545
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:52,600
Speaker 2: I mean, it would be great, wouldn't it.

546
00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:56,080
Speaker 1: But I don't think it's not gonnappen because it's because

547
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:58,600
Speaker 1: it sounds very interventionist too. At the same time, because

548
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 1: I don't like invention relatively speaking in normal Well, I

549
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,520
Speaker 1: think it's a bit more free market, but at the

550
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:08,640
Speaker 1: same time it could be creating. Maybe if it is banned,

551
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:11,160
Speaker 1: it'll take away your industry for that matter, because you know,

552
00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:13,440
Speaker 1: to some extent a lot of these people will be

553
00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:14,000
Speaker 1: come and see you.

554
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:16,840
Speaker 2: No, I don't think it'll ever take away my industry

555
00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:19,440
Speaker 2: because a lot of this stuff I see has nothing

556
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,000
Speaker 2: to do with porn. So I mean, I see people

557
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:24,280
Speaker 2: who are on a lot of us are on medications

558
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:27,200
Speaker 2: for anxiety, for depression that can impact on your sex side.

559
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:29,720
Speaker 2: Back to your topic, though, I think when it comes

560
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 2: to regulation, actually, I just think that there should be

561
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:37,400
Speaker 2: more pornography that is released that is realistic, you know,

562
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:42,000
Speaker 2: with different bodies, different sizes, different ages, different functions, you know,

563
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:45,720
Speaker 2: not being lubricated all the time, not having a twelve

564
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:48,600
Speaker 2: inch cock. You know, Like, let's just add some like

565
00:29:48,800 --> 00:29:51,800
Speaker 2: real bodies and real people into the mix and that

566
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:55,320
Speaker 2: might help a little bit more. And let's cut down

567
00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:59,560
Speaker 2: on such kind of hyperbolic over sexualized content for like

568
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:04,800
Speaker 2: just for just I don't know, for even education purposes.

569
00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:08,160
Speaker 2: A lot of websites like porn hub for example, and

570
00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:10,560
Speaker 2: we talk about this a lot in the sexology community.

571
00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:12,640
Speaker 2: There's been a lot of debate. Should we be using

572
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:15,440
Speaker 2: porn as a way to educate people, Should we be

573
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:20,560
Speaker 2: adding in sex education pornography. We haven't got there just yet,

574
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:23,200
Speaker 2: because the same thing, how do you regulate that? You know,

575
00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,560
Speaker 2: the reason why Only Fans has become so big is

576
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:29,640
Speaker 2: it's because people are putting their own bodies on their

577
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:35,960
Speaker 2: People who have, like, you know, a diverse range of bodies,

578
00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:40,560
Speaker 2: of sizes, of shapes, of colors, you know, of functions,

579
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:43,680
Speaker 2: can create their own content for people to consume. So

580
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 2: it's not just like the porn websites. We can have

581
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:48,960
Speaker 2: real life people putting out content online and they're making

582
00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,480
Speaker 2: millions of dollars, and I think that's great. Good for them.

583
00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:54,760
Speaker 2: You know, sex is still one of the oldest industries

584
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 2: that we have, so let's use it to our advantage

585
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,920
Speaker 2: and let's actually just curate some real life scenarios.

586
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:03,160
Speaker 1: I actually had Angela White sitting in that seat. I

587
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 1: love Angela, who's one of the one of the most

588
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:08,720
Speaker 1: successful Only Fans.

589
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:11,960
Speaker 2: Artists creators in the world.

590
00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:14,600
Speaker 1: And she's a good Aussie girl.

591
00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:17,480
Speaker 2: She's amazing, and.

592
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,480
Speaker 1: The honesty with which she talks is like quite incredible,

593
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:25,720
Speaker 1: Like yeah, and that's how her only fans side works

594
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:29,400
Speaker 1: as well. There's is it a rule of thumb about

595
00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:33,600
Speaker 1: the number of times a week an individual, say me,

596
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:36,040
Speaker 1: for example, should have sex, Like, is there like a

597
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:37,680
Speaker 1: cadence that's that's healthy?

598
00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:41,440
Speaker 2: No, because it's you know, again, sex.

599
00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:43,000
Speaker 1: With yourself or sex with the part. It doesn't matter.

600
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 2: I'm masturbation is really great, of course, and I think

601
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:48,280
Speaker 2: everyone should be masturbating and enjoying themselves.

602
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,000
Speaker 1: But I was saying, is it like a daily thing

603
00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,320
Speaker 1: or a weekly thing? I mean like, and it doesn't.

604
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:56,160
Speaker 1: Is it linear relative to age? So as you get

605
00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:58,240
Speaker 1: older you do less? Like? But it's some sort of

606
00:31:58,440 --> 00:31:59,960
Speaker 1: has there only been any studies on this stuff?

607
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:02,640
Speaker 2: No? And so I think, well, there's a lot of

608
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 2: studies on it, yes, but it's kind of a it's

609
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:09,800
Speaker 2: an understudied area, but it's an I guess an area

610
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:14,760
Speaker 2: that is kind of discussed without a lot of evidence

611
00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:17,240
Speaker 2: behind it. Just yet, for a penis owner, you should

612
00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:19,880
Speaker 2: be masturbating because it does reduce your risk of prostate

613
00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:23,440
Speaker 2: cancer more that you masturbate and ejaculate. So definitely, like

614
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:25,600
Speaker 2: once or twice a week would be really great. In

615
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:28,160
Speaker 2: terms of having sex with someone, I don't want people

616
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:29,880
Speaker 2: to be listening in and going I have to have

617
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 2: sex once or twice a week with my partner. That's

618
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 2: not the case. You can use your hand, It's fine.

619
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:36,720
Speaker 2: You're still going to get what you need out of

620
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:41,040
Speaker 2: it health For a health perspective, Yes, in terms of

621
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:45,680
Speaker 2: having sex with someone. Actually our backtrack in terms of

622
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:48,680
Speaker 2: self pleasure. Self pleasure is like we are our best

623
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:51,360
Speaker 2: sexual partners. We will know our body best if we

624
00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,880
Speaker 2: learn how to pleasure it, if we learn different areas.

625
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:58,440
Speaker 2: And I encourage people to move beyond the genitals, beyond

626
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:02,000
Speaker 2: the eerrogena zones, cover your whole body. What feels good

627
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:05,520
Speaker 2: from a sensory perspective? Is it pressure? Is it you know?

628
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:09,440
Speaker 2: Is it temperature plays or hot or cold? Is it

629
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:14,760
Speaker 2: using vibrators? Vibrators make you feel more pleasure. You can

630
00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:18,040
Speaker 2: listen to orgasmic meditation, which really taps into the brain

631
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:22,320
Speaker 2: and how the brain can kind of elevate your erotic experiences.

632
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:25,520
Speaker 1: Meditation that's new. I'm averd of that. What is that?

633
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:27,320
Speaker 2: There's a really great one?

634
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:31,160
Speaker 1: I don't know, Maybe not tell me the app, but.

635
00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:33,320
Speaker 2: No, it's not an app. I'm not going to tell

636
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:35,600
Speaker 2: you an app. I'm going to give you an example

637
00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:38,680
Speaker 2: of what it is. So I don't know any for

638
00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,920
Speaker 2: penis owners, but for vol owners as one by a

639
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 2: really great guy, and it's an hour long and he

640
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 2: basically coaches you how to touch your body. And he's

641
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:53,120
Speaker 2: not so focused on the genital area. It's more about edging,

642
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:58,600
Speaker 2: so building up your erotic experiences, your climate, your climax response.

643
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,160
Speaker 2: If we say a climax and an orgasm, you know

644
00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,960
Speaker 2: ends at ten, with orgasm being the ten. It's about

645
00:34:06,080 --> 00:34:09,520
Speaker 2: building up your pleasure. So we say, I would say

646
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:13,520
Speaker 2: in his hour long recording, he'll bring you up to

647
00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:15,960
Speaker 2: about a seven, bring you down to like a three

648
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:18,719
Speaker 2: or four. So he's telling you touch the inside of

649
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:22,399
Speaker 2: your thighs, trace around your belly button, come up near

650
00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:26,520
Speaker 2: your breast, come down again. And it's amazing because he

651
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:30,440
Speaker 2: helps you build up the anticipation in your body and

652
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:34,480
Speaker 2: the sensory experience. Usually you're listening with your eyes closed

653
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:37,279
Speaker 2: and he's just in your ear, so then it's a

654
00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:41,239
Speaker 2: lot around the audio and your imagination and then you're

655
00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:43,920
Speaker 2: building up this climax and you're edging, and that is

656
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,640
Speaker 2: building the anticipation in your body that by the time

657
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:49,759
Speaker 2: you reach orgasm at a ten, that orgasm is going

658
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:52,680
Speaker 2: to feel completely different to other types of orgasms that

659
00:34:52,719 --> 00:34:55,759
Speaker 2: you have, which have usually been kind of, you know,

660
00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:58,160
Speaker 2: goal oriented. I need to have an orgasm. I'm using

661
00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:01,720
Speaker 2: a vibrator on myself or fingers or a mouth or something,

662
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:05,560
Speaker 2: and you know, within twenty five thirty minutes you've had

663
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:08,120
Speaker 2: an orgasm. This is an hour long of exploring your

664
00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:12,200
Speaker 2: entire body and how your whole sensory experience can build

665
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:15,600
Speaker 2: up an amazing orgasmic erotic experience.

666
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:20,759
Speaker 1: So is therefore sexual health part of just knowing yourself? Yeah,

667
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:24,840
Speaker 1: just know in your physical so then also your I

668
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:27,000
Speaker 1: don't know it's emotional, but your mental self too.

669
00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:29,520
Speaker 2: But your central self, your central selfire.

670
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:33,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, and probably I think what you're saying is

671
00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:36,480
Speaker 1: one of the ways you can make that discoveries actually

672
00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:41,320
Speaker 1: by is yourself. You have to make it yourself exploration

673
00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:43,279
Speaker 1: as opposed to someone else doing it for.

674
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:47,040
Speaker 2: You, because then you're able to tell your sexual partner, hey,

675
00:35:47,239 --> 00:35:50,000
Speaker 2: I really like it when I get touched here, or

676
00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:52,560
Speaker 2: I feel really good in this area of my body,

677
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 2: or my nipples are a no go. But I love

678
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,920
Speaker 2: my lower back being touched. So it actually helps you

679
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:01,680
Speaker 2: coach someone else to bring you pleasure.

680
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:06,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, so's it's about It's sort of like selfish, if

681
00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:08,719
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, but not in a bad

682
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:11,680
Speaker 1: selfish way, sort of about understanding yourself.

683
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:14,719
Speaker 2: It's putting yourself on a pedestal, as you should, but.

684
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:17,640
Speaker 1: As opposed to being because sex can be selfish things.

685
00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:20,840
Speaker 1: Sometimes you know it's about get out there. I'm just

686
00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:24,080
Speaker 1: going to do this, and you know I'm going to

687
00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:26,320
Speaker 1: ejaculate and that's fucking it. I'm out of you. But

688
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:32,680
Speaker 1: that that's selfish. But proper sexual healthiness is about being

689
00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:34,520
Speaker 1: yourself with the other person.

690
00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:39,719
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's about exploration and expectation. Right. So you might

691
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:41,400
Speaker 2: say today's going to be a quickie because I need

692
00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:43,600
Speaker 2: to get out of here, or today I want to

693
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:46,080
Speaker 2: watch you touch yourself. I want to learn more about

694
00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:49,600
Speaker 2: how you feel pleasure. There's nothing more powerful than watching

695
00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:53,719
Speaker 2: someone else please themselves. It's such a beautiful experience. It's

696
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:57,120
Speaker 2: so erotic, and I highly recommend people do it more.

697
00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:01,000
Speaker 2: Be curious, move past your own ego and thinking that

698
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:02,799
Speaker 2: you're going to be the best lover that they ever

699
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:05,920
Speaker 2: had because they're their own best lover, and they're going

700
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:07,719
Speaker 2: to be able to coach you to be an even

701
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,359
Speaker 2: better lover if you allow them, and if you give

702
00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:13,960
Speaker 2: them space to feel safe enough to show them show

703
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:15,120
Speaker 2: you what they like. OK.

704
00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:18,319
Speaker 1: Can we do with a couple of myths? Or maybe

705
00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:21,280
Speaker 1: they miss somebody? You will tell me in a studied

706
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:26,520
Speaker 1: sense about sexual health, so you know, it would seem

707
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:31,080
Speaker 1: to be the worst distributors of these myths probably are

708
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:32,160
Speaker 1: porn sites to some extent.

709
00:37:32,239 --> 00:37:33,080
Speaker 2: But is.

710
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:38,520
Speaker 1: Penis size important? Is it a myth?

711
00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:39,359
Speaker 3: Oh?

712
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:41,320
Speaker 2: Look, I think it's more what you can do with

713
00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:43,960
Speaker 2: your penis or your hands or your mouth. It's more important.

714
00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:46,440
Speaker 2: I think it's important to some people for sure, But

715
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:50,320
Speaker 2: I mean overall, it really depends on You can have

716
00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:54,399
Speaker 2: someone with a giant penis who's really average in bed

717
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,680
Speaker 2: because they're so focused on how big their penis is

718
00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:58,839
Speaker 2: and how great that is. At the end of the day,

719
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,520
Speaker 2: the penis doesn't vibrate, it's nowhere near the clitterists. So

720
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 2: is it going to make someone come? I don't know.

721
00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:07,719
Speaker 2: It really depends. It depends on what you like and

722
00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:11,480
Speaker 2: your own personal preference. So I don't think it's that important.

723
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:14,480
Speaker 2: I think it's really what you can do with everything

724
00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:16,800
Speaker 2: else and who you are is an erotic being and

725
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:17,799
Speaker 2: what you bring to the table.

726
00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:22,240
Speaker 1: Maybe, but is it another Therefore, another myth is also

727
00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:28,080
Speaker 1: you know that you can have sex in a penetrative

728
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 1: sense you for half an hour before you come. In

729
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:34,719
Speaker 1: other words, you have to be on top of me

730
00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:38,200
Speaker 1: for half an hour before you've actually performed properly. Then

731
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:42,200
Speaker 1: another thing promulgated by porn sites like you know, like

732
00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:45,240
Speaker 1: to be a performance. It's like, you know, the performance

733
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:48,320
Speaker 1: should take thirty minutes, or the performance should take fifteen minutes.

734
00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:51,160
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how long the performance takes at all.

735
00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:53,919
Speaker 2: Yes it does if you're in a if you're having

736
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:57,520
Speaker 2: sex with someone who has evolver, then they need to

737
00:38:57,560 --> 00:38:59,960
Speaker 2: be pleasured for it in partnered sex for at least

738
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,640
Speaker 2: twenty five to thirty minutes. And I'm not just saying

739
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:04,799
Speaker 2: it's like jackhammering pumping someone.

740
00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:05,959
Speaker 1: Away, not for twenty five minutes.

741
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,160
Speaker 2: No, you need to be pleasuring them. You need to

742
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:13,120
Speaker 2: be building up their arousal because for penis owners on average,

743
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:15,880
Speaker 2: it's like five to seven minutes and then they can

744
00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:19,799
Speaker 2: ejaculate in partner scenarios for Volva owners. It's at least

745
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:23,480
Speaker 2: twenty five to you know, maybe forty even longer. So

746
00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:27,720
Speaker 2: you want to be giving them enough time, attention, pleasure

747
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:29,400
Speaker 2: that you can. If you want to be known as

748
00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:31,959
Speaker 2: the best lover that they've ever had, then you should

749
00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:33,080
Speaker 2: be putting the effort into that.

750
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:35,840
Speaker 1: It's important to be known as the best lover. I

751
00:39:35,880 --> 00:39:40,320
Speaker 1: mean what is that? I mean own intellectually, like is

752
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:41,000
Speaker 1: that important?

753
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:42,640
Speaker 2: I think we all want to do our best, and

754
00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:45,600
Speaker 2: in terms of making someone else feel really good, you

755
00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:47,600
Speaker 2: want to do your best. But you should never assume

756
00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:50,759
Speaker 2: what someone likes or what someone wants, because you know,

757
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:53,279
Speaker 2: there are so many people that I see who go

758
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:55,920
Speaker 2: in there and they're like, yeah, so I was, you know,

759
00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:59,239
Speaker 2: doing AB and C and throwing around, and we didn't

760
00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:01,960
Speaker 2: use lube because they just you spit instead, And you know,

761
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:03,960
Speaker 2: I think she really enjoyed it. And then I meet

762
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:07,560
Speaker 2: the partner and they're like, he's just pumping away in

763
00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:11,239
Speaker 2: there and it's horrible, like there's no variation and there's

764
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:13,879
Speaker 2: nowhere near my literacy never goes down on me because

765
00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:16,279
Speaker 2: he's so obsessed with sticking his penis in me. And

766
00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:19,680
Speaker 2: it's like, okay, there's like a little bit of discourse here, right,

767
00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:22,680
Speaker 2: So how do how do we come to bring them

768
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:25,800
Speaker 2: to like a harmonious sense where we say, you know what,

769
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:29,240
Speaker 2: let's let's create a new sex life that sounds even

770
00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:31,680
Speaker 2: more fun than what you've been doing. And I'm I'm

771
00:40:31,719 --> 00:40:34,200
Speaker 2: not here to criticize anyone or make them feel ashamed

772
00:40:34,239 --> 00:40:36,399
Speaker 2: for what they're doing because they're just trying their best

773
00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:37,200
Speaker 2: at the end of the day.

774
00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:43,800
Speaker 1: If he is there a problem if someone just looks

775
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:48,440
Speaker 1: at sex in an intellectual way. So let's say, I

776
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:53,720
Speaker 1: don't know, their life is obsessed about engineering and science.

777
00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:58,120
Speaker 1: They want to make a discovery and they have they're

778
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:01,560
Speaker 1: in a partnership, and they don't really care about it,

779
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:05,640
Speaker 1: but they just do it, maybe out a duty, or

780
00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:08,799
Speaker 1: they do it because it's something that should be done

781
00:41:09,239 --> 00:41:11,959
Speaker 1: once a week, you know, Like, is that a bad

782
00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:14,200
Speaker 1: thing for an individual think that way? Or and maybe

783
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:16,000
Speaker 1: it's not a bad thing that the individuals they should

784
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:18,800
Speaker 1: not necessarily expect to be in a relationship. Then with

785
00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:20,279
Speaker 1: the partner who wants to have sex.

786
00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:22,960
Speaker 2: Oh so you're talking about like obligation sex.

787
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:27,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, if someone is just generally speaking, doesn't rank

788
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:30,760
Speaker 1: sex that high in their life because they have intellectual

789
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:32,840
Speaker 1: pursuits that are much to them, much more important.

790
00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:38,160
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, I understand. I mean it depends on what

791
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:40,719
Speaker 2: their situation is. If you're with someone who really wants

792
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:44,239
Speaker 2: to have a fulfilling sex life and it's important for them,

793
00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:47,080
Speaker 2: but you're not interested in sex, then there needs to

794
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:49,719
Speaker 2: be a lot of discussion around that and you know

795
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:52,040
Speaker 2: how you're going to make that work. And if you're

796
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:54,759
Speaker 2: not able to provide their needs, can you have a

797
00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:57,359
Speaker 2: conversation around how they can get their needs made?

798
00:41:57,520 --> 00:41:59,880
Speaker 1: That's what I'm leading to. So, so what does that

799
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:04,879
Speaker 1: conversation look like? And if the other partner says, well, look,

800
00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:08,160
Speaker 1: you know, I really forget that you're trying to do

801
00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:13,040
Speaker 1: this discovery and you're completely you know, committed to this

802
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:15,480
Speaker 1: process of doing what you're doing. But at the same time,

803
00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:17,279
Speaker 1: I want to have a certain sex life. I want

804
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:20,880
Speaker 1: some certain satisfaction. Can I go out and get it

805
00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:25,600
Speaker 1: from somewhere else? I mean that is that a thing? Yeah?

806
00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:31,080
Speaker 1: Or do it myself whatever, just but self somehow fulfill.

807
00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, that is definitely a thing. I think that it's

808
00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:38,880
Speaker 2: becoming even more prevalent to be having these open discussions

809
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,239
Speaker 2: in a really positive way. So we're talking about like

810
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:45,719
Speaker 2: ethical non monogamy. So we're so ethical non monogamy, so

811
00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:48,560
Speaker 2: we are ethically making a choice that we're not just

812
00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:51,399
Speaker 2: going to have sex with each other, but we might

813
00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:55,960
Speaker 2: have other sexual partners. We might have a hookup, or

814
00:42:56,280 --> 00:43:00,880
Speaker 2: you know, while we're traveling, for example, we might agree

815
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:04,279
Speaker 2: that we have sex, you know, once a week because

816
00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:06,239
Speaker 2: that makes us feel good, or once a month because

817
00:43:06,280 --> 00:43:09,320
Speaker 2: that keeps us connected and that's enough to meet my needs,

818
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:13,040
Speaker 2: or it's you know, I'm going to go see a

819
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:14,840
Speaker 2: sex worker once a month so I can have a

820
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,640
Speaker 2: really fun night, have my needs met, and you know,

821
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,080
Speaker 2: you keep going with whatever you're doing over there, your

822
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:24,480
Speaker 2: intellectual pursuit. Yeah, those conversations are definitely becoming more and

823
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:26,560
Speaker 2: more prevalent as well, because there's a lot of people

824
00:43:26,600 --> 00:43:29,359
Speaker 2: out there who don't want to have sex. They don't

825
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:31,560
Speaker 2: have a high sex drive, they're not that motivated by it,

826
00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:34,480
Speaker 2: but they love their partner, they don't want to you know,

827
00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:37,520
Speaker 2: impact on their wants and needs, and they're going to

828
00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:41,360
Speaker 2: have a really healthy conversation that can take months, sometimes

829
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:44,720
Speaker 2: years to have, but that gets them to a better place.

830
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:46,360
Speaker 2: And that's why people come into therapy.

831
00:43:46,680 --> 00:43:49,319
Speaker 1: I was going to say, because you would see those

832
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,440
Speaker 1: sorts of people as a rule and help them through

833
00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:56,600
Speaker 1: that process of negotiating sort of the pathways, because it

834
00:43:56,640 --> 00:43:59,640
Speaker 1: could be confronting for the individual, who could be confronted

835
00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:02,400
Speaker 1: for both of the individuals. Actually, when I think about it,

836
00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:07,160
Speaker 1: but that's that would be considered to be a normal process.

837
00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:11,040
Speaker 2: Yes, well, I mean that's for people who really want

838
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:14,760
Speaker 2: to stay together and make sure that the other person

839
00:44:15,440 --> 00:44:17,839
Speaker 2: is pleasured and has a really good quality of life

840
00:44:17,840 --> 00:44:19,680
Speaker 2: as well. There are a lot of people who can't

841
00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:21,920
Speaker 2: talk about sex and who don't talk about it, and

842
00:44:22,040 --> 00:44:24,400
Speaker 2: then their needs end up not getting met and then

843
00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:26,799
Speaker 2: there's resentment and it's very hard when there's too much

844
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:29,279
Speaker 2: water under the bridge, can be very hard to bring

845
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:30,520
Speaker 2: you out of that space as well.

846
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:33,279
Speaker 1: And what about someone what about the other way when

847
00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:41,360
Speaker 1: someone has like a crazy sex drive who needs to

848
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:44,239
Speaker 1: masturbate three times a day and have sex every night

849
00:44:45,680 --> 00:44:50,120
Speaker 1: and the other party doesn't want to do that. What

850
00:44:50,239 --> 00:44:50,799
Speaker 1: happens there?

851
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:52,920
Speaker 2: I think, same thing, you have a conversation around it.

852
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:58,279
Speaker 2: But also with people who are using their compulsion or

853
00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:02,920
Speaker 2: their needs to pressure on their partner as well. We

854
00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:06,040
Speaker 2: often or I try and look and go, what are

855
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:09,920
Speaker 2: you trying to fulfill by having, you know, by masturbating

856
00:45:10,280 --> 00:45:12,399
Speaker 2: three times a day and wanting to have sex every

857
00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:15,720
Speaker 2: single day? Are you exercising? Do you have other hobbies?

858
00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:20,560
Speaker 2: Are you having you know, you being intellectually stimulated as well?

859
00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:23,960
Speaker 2: Like what's been? What else can we kind of look

860
00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:26,719
Speaker 2: into that's going to bring you some pleasure that's not

861
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:30,799
Speaker 2: just masturbation. I'm not saying that that's wrong. I'm saying

862
00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:34,880
Speaker 2: it is about negotiation. But sometimes you can get you know,

863
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:36,680
Speaker 2: you can put a lot of pressure on someone if

864
00:45:36,719 --> 00:45:39,800
Speaker 2: that's your kind of standard. And if it is and

865
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:42,239
Speaker 2: your partner's not able to meet that A, is that

866
00:45:42,360 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 2: okay for you? B? Are you able to kind of

867
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:47,839
Speaker 2: back off and go, okay, maybe my sex drive might

868
00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:51,200
Speaker 2: be way too high for my partner. I can satisfy myself.

869
00:45:51,680 --> 00:45:54,239
Speaker 2: It's not interrupting my work, my family life, you know,

870
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 2: my friendships, et cetera. So it's okay. But if it

871
00:45:57,320 --> 00:46:00,719
Speaker 2: is starting to impact on your relationships and you're you know,

872
00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 2: your work life, for your your family life, that's when

873
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:04,840
Speaker 2: we need to go. Is this a bit of a

874
00:46:05,080 --> 00:46:06,280
Speaker 2: problem here.

875
00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:08,560
Speaker 1: Because that's not trying to get to because I actually

876
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:11,000
Speaker 1: have a friend. That sounds a bit weird to have

877
00:46:11,040 --> 00:46:14,759
Speaker 1: a friend, but it's not me, but actually my friend great,

878
00:46:14,840 --> 00:46:20,800
Speaker 1: you know, But I got a friend and I actually

879
00:46:20,840 --> 00:46:23,160
Speaker 1: have a friend who has lived his life like that

880
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:26,799
Speaker 1: all his life again, and I and he's not young

881
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:31,360
Speaker 1: these days in a relative sense. And I wonder, is

882
00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:34,520
Speaker 1: that abnormal sex drive like that? Is that like normal?

883
00:46:34,719 --> 00:46:37,800
Speaker 2: It sounds like it's his normal, right as normal for him.

884
00:46:37,640 --> 00:46:41,080
Speaker 1: But is that normal across the universe of people? He

885
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,400
Speaker 1: is a man? So, I mean, is there sort of

886
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:49,360
Speaker 1: studies out there with says, you know, a like you know,

887
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:50,799
Speaker 1: if I go get a blood sample and I want

888
00:46:50,800 --> 00:46:52,040
Speaker 1: to look at my cholesterol of it will give me

889
00:46:52,440 --> 00:46:54,520
Speaker 1: a range of people that they've tested in all of

890
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:57,440
Speaker 1: Australia or maybe it's probably even larger than probably Australasia

891
00:46:57,520 --> 00:46:58,839
Speaker 1: or something like that, and they'll say, I fit him

892
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:02,600
Speaker 1: within a range. Are there studies that have ranges of

893
00:47:03,239 --> 00:47:07,279
Speaker 1: this sort of activity, like you know a number of times?

894
00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:14,719
Speaker 1: Is that it is sexual health that close to other

895
00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:16,279
Speaker 1: biological markers in our body?

896
00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:19,040
Speaker 2: For sure? For sure? Yeah? And I mean it depends

897
00:47:19,120 --> 00:47:24,239
Speaker 2: on so many different factors. It's like it's stress, it's hormones,

898
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,880
Speaker 2: it's you know, if that's his normal, that's his normal,

899
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:30,919
Speaker 2: that's fine, and he can you know, cultivate his life

900
00:47:30,920 --> 00:47:34,480
Speaker 2: accordingly to what his desires are. You wouldn't see this

901
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:37,000
Speaker 2: person getting with someone who doesn't like to have sex

902
00:47:37,160 --> 00:47:39,120
Speaker 2: or you know, can only have sex once a week.

903
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:42,200
Speaker 2: You would see them probably trying to orientate towards someone

904
00:47:42,239 --> 00:47:44,960
Speaker 2: who also has a higher sex drive, So you don't

905
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:46,480
Speaker 2: get too much of a mismatch there.

906
00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:49,160
Speaker 1: But it might have started up that way, but over time.

907
00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:52,720
Speaker 2: You're saying it's his normal, though for most of it it's.

908
00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:57,480
Speaker 1: Him normally, and perhaps his partner was the same. But

909
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:01,680
Speaker 1: over time it's possible that his partner starts to get

910
00:48:02,040 --> 00:48:05,480
Speaker 1: a little bit bored of this. Yeah she's had enough, Yeah,

911
00:48:05,640 --> 00:48:09,080
Speaker 1: particularly if it's if she's gone through menopause and stuff

912
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:13,360
Speaker 1: like that, like this guy's just turned sixty, so yeah.

913
00:48:13,360 --> 00:48:15,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, then you can run into some challenges. Yeah, sure,

914
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:18,600
Speaker 2: because menopause isn't isn't a sexy experience.

915
00:48:18,719 --> 00:48:21,319
Speaker 1: For the woman as a menopause yet?

916
00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:23,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, but also at sixty you have a sixty percent

917
00:48:23,719 --> 00:48:25,920
Speaker 2: chance of erectal dysfunction as well, So.

918
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:27,520
Speaker 1: I don't think he has that issue.

919
00:48:27,719 --> 00:48:29,960
Speaker 2: No, no, but if we move, if we're just talking

920
00:48:30,040 --> 00:48:33,239
Speaker 2: in general, Yeah, for a lot of people, they can

921
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:36,000
Speaker 2: have a high kind of level of sexual activity when

922
00:48:36,040 --> 00:48:38,759
Speaker 2: they get together. Usually for the first eighteen months to

923
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:41,400
Speaker 2: two years of a relationship, we have the Limerens period,

924
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:44,480
Speaker 2: when all our endorphins are raging. We can't believe that

925
00:48:44,560 --> 00:48:46,520
Speaker 2: we found each other, We're in love, we want to

926
00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:48,160
Speaker 2: have sex all the time. We just want to be

927
00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:51,279
Speaker 2: as close as possible, and your hobby is turned into

928
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:54,000
Speaker 2: my hobbies and then la la, la la. And then

929
00:48:54,160 --> 00:48:56,879
Speaker 2: at two years you kind of roll over and you're like, oh,

930
00:48:57,160 --> 00:48:59,400
Speaker 2: you know, those endorphins have worn away, and you're like

931
00:49:00,680 --> 00:49:03,200
Speaker 2: do I like this person? Like do I want to

932
00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:05,840
Speaker 2: keep choosing this person? And that's when you see a

933
00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:08,520
Speaker 2: lot of couples break up. It's a bit harder if

934
00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:11,200
Speaker 2: you've gotten married during that. You know that kind of

935
00:49:11,280 --> 00:49:12,319
Speaker 2: limerence period as well.

936
00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:13,360
Speaker 1: Would you call it a period?

937
00:49:13,680 --> 00:49:15,839
Speaker 2: Limerence? It's a beautiful word, right.

938
00:49:16,360 --> 00:49:17,759
Speaker 1: But I've not heard it before, so what does it mean.

939
00:49:18,400 --> 00:49:21,920
Speaker 2: It means that all you're indorphins, so you're oxytocin your dopamine.

940
00:49:21,920 --> 00:49:25,880
Speaker 2: The love, the obsession, the beautiful kind of passion, hormones

941
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:28,640
Speaker 2: are raging, and you're really really drawn to each other.

942
00:49:29,640 --> 00:49:33,440
Speaker 1: Both of you have this limerence together. Limreates is between

943
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:35,040
Speaker 1: the two of you. Yes, I suppose just you.

944
00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:37,960
Speaker 2: You can have it by yourself towards someone who might

945
00:49:38,040 --> 00:49:41,799
Speaker 2: not know about it, but that's more obsession, I would say.

946
00:49:42,239 --> 00:49:42,279
Speaker 3: So.

947
00:49:43,520 --> 00:49:46,440
Speaker 2: Limerence is usually when you get with someone you and

948
00:49:46,520 --> 00:49:50,200
Speaker 2: you get really excited about it. But I would say

949
00:49:50,360 --> 00:49:53,000
Speaker 2: that for most people that wears off. I wish I

950
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:55,120
Speaker 2: could bottle limereates and sell it because I think I

951
00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:57,719
Speaker 2: would be worth a lot of money. It would be

952
00:49:58,719 --> 00:50:02,880
Speaker 2: just incredible. But it is about you know, how you

953
00:50:03,080 --> 00:50:06,399
Speaker 2: are interacting from a biological and emotional point of view

954
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:09,920
Speaker 2: towards someone, and it's a beautiful feeling. It's the most

955
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:13,839
Speaker 2: beautiful feeling in the world. But after a period of time,

956
00:50:13,960 --> 00:50:16,320
Speaker 2: it does wear off, and that's when you have to go, Okay,

957
00:50:16,600 --> 00:50:19,160
Speaker 2: I'm going to continue to wake up and choose this person,

958
00:50:19,280 --> 00:50:21,560
Speaker 2: and I've got to put the effort into this relationship

959
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:26,000
Speaker 2: making them feel safe, making them feel seen, heard, pleasured, satisfied,

960
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:30,160
Speaker 2: you know, cared for. And I really believe that you

961
00:50:30,239 --> 00:50:33,839
Speaker 2: can keep that beautiful experience going, or you can pick

962
00:50:33,880 --> 00:50:35,759
Speaker 2: it up later, even if you've lost it for a

963
00:50:35,840 --> 00:50:38,319
Speaker 2: little bit, if you just put the effort into knowing

964
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:42,000
Speaker 2: how your partner likes to be loved, adored, desired as well.

965
00:50:43,160 --> 00:50:45,200
Speaker 2: We all tend to get kind of lazy in long

966
00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:48,680
Speaker 2: term relationships and we lose the juice for making our

967
00:50:48,760 --> 00:50:53,399
Speaker 2: partner feel adored and appreciated and cared for. And when

968
00:50:53,480 --> 00:50:55,440
Speaker 2: that gets lost, and it's very hard to feel like

969
00:50:56,440 --> 00:50:59,480
Speaker 2: you desire the person that's not actually giving you enough attention,

970
00:51:00,080 --> 00:51:03,160
Speaker 2: care or love or you know, is there for your needs,

971
00:51:03,480 --> 00:51:07,160
Speaker 2: or you know, making you feel like you're safe and

972
00:51:08,239 --> 00:51:11,440
Speaker 2: that you can grow and flourish together. You never want

973
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:13,720
Speaker 2: to feel like kind of neglected. But for your partner

974
00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:16,920
Speaker 2: with the high sex drive especially and this is very

975
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:20,399
Speaker 2: common when their partners have dropped off in sex drive,

976
00:51:20,440 --> 00:51:22,880
Speaker 2: it can become a very difficult thing. That's why you

977
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:26,040
Speaker 2: see infidelity happen. That's why you see, you know, people

978
00:51:26,120 --> 00:51:28,560
Speaker 2: feeling pested or pressured, and that's when they come in

979
00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:30,839
Speaker 2: and see me as well. I like to work from

980
00:51:30,920 --> 00:51:33,840
Speaker 2: a really positive place with my couples. I try and

981
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:38,960
Speaker 2: cultivate a dynamic where there is no negativity, no criticism,

982
00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:42,360
Speaker 2: and try and develop the level of love and adoration

983
00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:45,279
Speaker 2: between them, so they do feel more obliged to lean

984
00:51:45,440 --> 00:51:47,640
Speaker 2: in towards each other rather than away from each other.

985
00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:52,279
Speaker 1: You hit on a very important word. That word love

986
00:51:54,040 --> 00:51:56,560
Speaker 1: one of the most commonly used words for everything that

987
00:51:56,719 --> 00:52:00,520
Speaker 1: exists in the world. I love my footy, love my kids,

988
00:52:00,600 --> 00:52:03,359
Speaker 1: like NRL correction when we last met.

989
00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:04,360
Speaker 3: But like, but.

990
00:52:06,000 --> 00:52:10,120
Speaker 1: Is there a danger or OK? What's the relationship between

991
00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:15,280
Speaker 1: that word love and sexual partner desire?

992
00:52:16,640 --> 00:52:19,120
Speaker 2: Love and desire are different. You can love someone and

993
00:52:19,239 --> 00:52:22,440
Speaker 2: not desire someone, right, You can love someone so much.

994
00:52:22,360 --> 00:52:25,320
Speaker 1: But can you desire someone not love them absolutely so

995
00:52:25,480 --> 00:52:28,279
Speaker 1: that they're not they're mutually exclusive exclusive. Sometimes you can

996
00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:31,160
Speaker 1: do both. You can love and desire. But it's not

997
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:34,080
Speaker 1: unusual to desire someone I love them, or love someone

998
00:52:34,160 --> 00:52:37,440
Speaker 1: to not desire them, and so that's.

999
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:39,200
Speaker 2: Why you have one night stand. So you're not in

1000
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:41,080
Speaker 2: love with the person you're having a one night stand with.

1001
00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:43,239
Speaker 2: You're not in love with the person who's you know,

1002
00:52:43,320 --> 00:52:46,239
Speaker 2: the porn star or the AI companion for example, that's

1003
00:52:46,280 --> 00:52:49,880
Speaker 2: on your screen, but you desire them. You might you know,

1004
00:52:50,040 --> 00:52:52,520
Speaker 2: desire a celebrity and think they're hot and you want

1005
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:56,000
Speaker 2: to you know, fantasize about them, but you're not in

1006
00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:59,400
Speaker 2: love with them. Right. Adoration can go very very far,

1007
00:52:59,520 --> 00:53:02,160
Speaker 2: don't get me wrong, and desire can go very far.

1008
00:53:02,480 --> 00:53:04,200
Speaker 2: You can also love someone and you might be with

1009
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:06,400
Speaker 2: them for a very long time and you've lost the

1010
00:53:06,480 --> 00:53:09,640
Speaker 2: desire for them. You know, we see our partners at

1011
00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:13,040
Speaker 2: their worst times, at their most vulnerable times. We see

1012
00:53:13,080 --> 00:53:18,400
Speaker 2: them through you know, heartache, through health conditions, through everything,

1013
00:53:18,960 --> 00:53:20,520
Speaker 2: you know. I see a lot of people who have

1014
00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:24,800
Speaker 2: health issues who have long term partners, and they go,

1015
00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:28,160
Speaker 2: you know what, I can't be sexual right now. I

1016
00:53:28,239 --> 00:53:31,239
Speaker 2: don't have it in me. I'm really really unwell. I

1017
00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:35,680
Speaker 2: love my partner, but right now I don't even desire

1018
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:38,320
Speaker 2: myself and I can't let my partner near my body

1019
00:53:38,440 --> 00:53:41,080
Speaker 2: because I just feel so uncomfortable. And that's okay, And

1020
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:43,600
Speaker 2: that's okay, And what do we do about that? How

1021
00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:45,840
Speaker 2: do we start? I just want to start talking about

1022
00:53:45,880 --> 00:53:49,200
Speaker 2: it before we go. We have to take action on it, right. So,

1023
00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:51,399
Speaker 2: you see it a lot in long term relationships where

1024
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:57,600
Speaker 2: the partnership turns from like highly desirable and very very

1025
00:53:57,680 --> 00:54:01,160
Speaker 2: loving into just loving and caring partnership and a good

1026
00:54:01,239 --> 00:54:04,719
Speaker 2: long term partnership where we're great parents, we raise great

1027
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:08,120
Speaker 2: children together, but we don't really desire each other anymore,

1028
00:54:08,239 --> 00:54:09,200
Speaker 2: So what do we do about that?

1029
00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:16,280
Speaker 1: But can sometimes somebody who has great sex for somebody

1030
00:54:16,320 --> 00:54:20,320
Speaker 1: else confuse in their mind that they actually think that

1031
00:54:20,440 --> 00:54:22,799
Speaker 1: they are in love with somebody absolutely? And how does

1032
00:54:22,880 --> 00:54:26,640
Speaker 1: that work? Like? Chemically, what is there some chemical gets release?

1033
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:29,080
Speaker 1: I mean I've heard oxytocin. This word oxytosin is the

1034
00:54:29,520 --> 00:54:32,920
Speaker 1: you know, the love chemical whatever that means, but the

1035
00:54:32,960 --> 00:54:35,080
Speaker 1: bonding one, yes, don't mean the bonding one?

1036
00:54:35,160 --> 00:54:37,759
Speaker 2: Is that? Right? So it can make us solutional, It

1037
00:54:37,840 --> 00:54:40,560
Speaker 2: can make us things that we don't even see. We

1038
00:54:40,680 --> 00:54:43,840
Speaker 2: might never see someone's flaws because we just feel so

1039
00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:46,880
Speaker 2: much towards and we feel overwhelming too. Is it forwhelming?

1040
00:54:47,080 --> 00:54:49,160
Speaker 1: And is that because you know that? Does it only

1041
00:54:49,320 --> 00:54:51,759
Speaker 1: arise once you once you come?

1042
00:54:52,120 --> 00:54:55,480
Speaker 2: Like the release of skin on skin contact is a

1043
00:54:55,600 --> 00:54:57,080
Speaker 2: very powerful thing as well.

1044
00:54:57,880 --> 00:55:01,520
Speaker 1: Right, But doesn't oxytosin you get released once you ejaculate

1045
00:55:01,640 --> 00:55:05,840
Speaker 1: or once you climax, So the oxytocin gets released the

1046
00:55:05,880 --> 00:55:07,920
Speaker 1: whole time. Is it in both male and female?

1047
00:55:08,160 --> 00:55:08,359
Speaker 2: Yes?

1048
00:55:08,440 --> 00:55:09,040
Speaker 1: Oxytocin.

1049
00:55:09,640 --> 00:55:12,080
Speaker 2: Also there's a lot of people who can't have an orgasm. Right,

1050
00:55:12,280 --> 00:55:14,800
Speaker 2: So you can still have all of those beautiful endorphins

1051
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:17,960
Speaker 2: without actually reaching this goal that you're meant to reach

1052
00:55:18,239 --> 00:55:19,920
Speaker 2: of climax and augusts.

1053
00:55:19,960 --> 00:55:23,560
Speaker 1: So you don't have to climax to get the release

1054
00:55:23,600 --> 00:55:26,360
Speaker 1: of the endorphins. But the indorphins are a drug, I

1055
00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:30,160
Speaker 1: mean effectively like a drug. It's our rewards and of

1056
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:32,960
Speaker 1: our brain sort of sending this out to us and saying,

1057
00:55:33,040 --> 00:55:36,040
Speaker 1: do it do it again again? Because evolutionary sense, they

1058
00:55:36,160 --> 00:55:38,000
Speaker 1: want us to keep doing this stuff, because we need

1059
00:55:38,120 --> 00:55:41,520
Speaker 1: to keep producing children and keep the species alive, so

1060
00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:45,120
Speaker 1: to speak, in an instinctive way, what do you say

1061
00:55:45,160 --> 00:55:49,040
Speaker 1: to somebody who's in a relationship with somebody else and

1062
00:55:49,120 --> 00:55:51,280
Speaker 1: feels as though that they are in love with that person,

1063
00:55:51,920 --> 00:55:56,400
Speaker 1: but it's not a two way deal. It's just like

1064
00:55:56,800 --> 00:55:59,439
Speaker 1: basically sex steal from one point of one person's point

1065
00:55:59,440 --> 00:56:02,440
Speaker 1: of view, but the other person is misinterpreting that is love.

1066
00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:05,080
Speaker 1: Do you do you have those sort of patients or

1067
00:56:05,360 --> 00:56:06,360
Speaker 1: I guess they call patients.

1068
00:56:06,520 --> 00:56:09,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, I call them patients. Some people call them clients, clients, patience.

1069
00:56:10,400 --> 00:56:12,239
Speaker 2: Just because I worked in a hospital and I share

1070
00:56:12,239 --> 00:56:17,719
Speaker 2: a lot of my patients with other health professionals, well,

1071
00:56:17,800 --> 00:56:19,600
Speaker 2: I mean you have to have a pretty realistic chat

1072
00:56:19,640 --> 00:56:21,800
Speaker 2: then and say, why do you believe it's love or

1073
00:56:21,840 --> 00:56:24,719
Speaker 2: why do you believe it's infatuation or why do you

1074
00:56:24,800 --> 00:56:26,920
Speaker 2: think that they don't care about you? In the same way,

1075
00:56:27,280 --> 00:56:28,399
Speaker 2: where's the evidence there?

1076
00:56:28,840 --> 00:56:29,719
Speaker 1: What is infatuation?

1077
00:56:31,160 --> 00:56:34,960
Speaker 2: Infatuation is really just kind of you don't see someone's flaws.

1078
00:56:35,239 --> 00:56:38,520
Speaker 2: They're glowing there up on a pedestal. You see all

1079
00:56:38,560 --> 00:56:40,719
Speaker 2: of the wonderful things about them, including the things that

1080
00:56:40,760 --> 00:56:42,800
Speaker 2: you've created in your mind about who they are and

1081
00:56:42,920 --> 00:56:43,279
Speaker 2: what they do.

1082
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:47,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's interesting. So and is that because you admire

1083
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:53,120
Speaker 1: someone's talents or you might admire their characteristics, and as

1084
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:55,239
Speaker 1: a result of that, you and they might be things

1085
00:56:55,480 --> 00:56:58,239
Speaker 1: missing in your life, in your personality, and you start

1086
00:56:58,320 --> 00:57:02,799
Speaker 1: to get infatuated with it, and then infatuation culminates in sex.

1087
00:57:03,560 --> 00:57:05,120
Speaker 2: I think a lot of the time, the people that

1088
00:57:05,239 --> 00:57:08,759
Speaker 2: we choose to love or you know, desire or be

1089
00:57:08,880 --> 00:57:12,040
Speaker 2: infatuated with, they're often mirrors of ourselves. They're the things

1090
00:57:12,040 --> 00:57:15,000
Speaker 2: that we are missing from ourselves or centration that might

1091
00:57:15,040 --> 00:57:21,680
Speaker 2: be kind of kind of representative, representative sorry of our

1092
00:57:21,800 --> 00:57:24,680
Speaker 2: childhoods and things that maybe we loved or things that

1093
00:57:24,800 --> 00:57:27,280
Speaker 2: we were missing from them we wish we had. We're

1094
00:57:27,320 --> 00:57:29,840
Speaker 2: trying to heal. Yeah, we're trying to heal some things

1095
00:57:29,880 --> 00:57:33,520
Speaker 2: from our childhood with our partner choices as well, because

1096
00:57:33,520 --> 00:57:35,680
Speaker 2: we have to think about the fact that if we

1097
00:57:35,760 --> 00:57:39,160
Speaker 2: were in maybe a relationship or grew up in a

1098
00:57:39,240 --> 00:57:43,320
Speaker 2: turbulent household, then maybe turbulence is what is familiar for us.

1099
00:57:43,800 --> 00:57:47,040
Speaker 2: So moving away from a familiar position of turbulence, even

1100
00:57:47,080 --> 00:57:49,520
Speaker 2: though it's not safe, towards being with someone who is

1101
00:57:49,640 --> 00:57:52,720
Speaker 2: safe and secure, that's unfamiliar, and that can be really,

1102
00:57:52,800 --> 00:57:54,000
Speaker 2: really scary for some people.

1103
00:57:54,920 --> 00:57:58,320
Speaker 1: I was once the I wouldn't call it quite a victim,

1104
00:57:58,360 --> 00:58:00,560
Speaker 1: but like the subject at least of a person who

1105
00:58:00,640 --> 00:58:03,560
Speaker 1: was suffering from rotto mania, which I've never heard of before,

1106
00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:08,960
Speaker 1: and talk to me about that. Yeah, it was I'm

1107
00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:10,720
Speaker 1: gonna be careful that I don't sort of cause a

1108
00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:13,880
Speaker 1: problem with the individual. But it's been on. There's been

1109
00:58:13,960 --> 00:58:19,000
Speaker 1: two occasions, different people. But the first occasion was that

1110
00:58:19,320 --> 00:58:23,600
Speaker 1: I started receiving gifts in the mail and and then

1111
00:58:24,040 --> 00:58:29,680
Speaker 1: like like they were nice, like we've gone valuable, but

1112
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:33,280
Speaker 1: like and I just thought it was like a fan

1113
00:58:33,480 --> 00:58:35,360
Speaker 1: caught let's call it, you know, someone was being nice

1114
00:58:35,400 --> 00:58:38,200
Speaker 1: and I would get my be able to look like

1115
00:58:38,240 --> 00:58:40,040
Speaker 1: it was done for me. But right, so thank you

1116
00:58:40,160 --> 00:58:41,680
Speaker 1: very much. It was very nice that you sent that.

1117
00:58:42,480 --> 00:58:45,160
Speaker 1: And then some of this particular visual made a bag

1118
00:58:45,920 --> 00:58:49,120
Speaker 1: and sent the bag to me, but like a female's bag,

1119
00:58:50,320 --> 00:58:52,200
Speaker 1: and I said, well, that's very good, and it was.

1120
00:58:52,240 --> 00:58:54,520
Speaker 1: It was pretty good. And then send a drawing get

1121
00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:57,600
Speaker 1: your address, I miss you to find. I mean, I'm

1122
00:58:57,640 --> 00:58:59,760
Speaker 1: a chairman of a list of public company. They sent

1123
00:58:59,800 --> 00:59:03,080
Speaker 1: to my work addresses. Yeah, but no. But then, but

1124
00:59:03,320 --> 00:59:04,640
Speaker 1: you know, it's not hard to find where I live

1125
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:06,720
Speaker 1: on Google, you know, because I've got a bit of

1126
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:09,160
Speaker 1: trouble one time and punch up outside the front of

1127
00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:11,400
Speaker 1: my house and it was all over the newspaper. So

1128
00:59:12,200 --> 00:59:13,600
Speaker 1: you know, it's not hard to find where I live.

1129
00:59:13,840 --> 00:59:14,640
Speaker 2: I'm going to look that up.

1130
00:59:15,840 --> 00:59:17,280
Speaker 1: It was in two thousand and nins and I don't

1131
00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:18,640
Speaker 1: know if you have to go a fair way down.

1132
00:59:18,720 --> 00:59:22,520
Speaker 1: But anyway, the next thing I know, I got a

1133
00:59:22,800 --> 00:59:27,560
Speaker 1: painting of drawing of my house where I live, drawn

1134
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:30,680
Speaker 1: from the beach near my house, looking at my house

1135
00:59:30,680 --> 00:59:33,560
Speaker 1: from the beach, and it was actually really good. And

1136
00:59:34,200 --> 00:59:36,520
Speaker 1: I'm stupidly, oh, that's really good. So sent back and

1137
00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:39,440
Speaker 1: thanks for that's really good. Not thinking about anything.

1138
00:59:40,240 --> 00:59:43,440
Speaker 2: Next thing, I know, straight down the camera for this time.

1139
00:59:44,360 --> 00:59:48,440
Speaker 1: The individual turned up at my house. Yes, all the

1140
00:59:48,480 --> 00:59:51,960
Speaker 1: way from Australia, from where West Australia.

1141
00:59:51,640 --> 00:59:55,560
Speaker 2: Western Australia, Perthin was Perth based. I love that and

1142
00:59:56,560 --> 00:59:57,120
Speaker 2: I'm joking.

1143
00:59:57,280 --> 01:00:01,560
Speaker 1: And I was in the backyard the lawn actually, and

1144
01:00:01,800 --> 01:00:06,320
Speaker 1: I and my partner at the time, my girlfriend. She

1145
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:08,800
Speaker 1: the front door bell rung and she went out and

1146
01:00:08,880 --> 01:00:10,280
Speaker 1: let the door by this speaking of He said like,

1147
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:11,120
Speaker 1: I'm here to seeing Mark.

1148
01:00:11,160 --> 01:00:11,480
Speaker 2: Who are you?

1149
01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:15,120
Speaker 1: And my parents said, well, who are you? And she

1150
01:00:15,240 --> 01:00:16,360
Speaker 1: come down got me and I went up and I

1151
01:00:16,400 --> 01:00:18,360
Speaker 1: didn't even know this person looked like so when I said, yeah,

1152
01:00:18,560 --> 01:00:20,760
Speaker 1: what's going I come to see like we had an

1153
01:00:20,760 --> 01:00:25,080
Speaker 1: appointment And I said what appointment? She said, I've been

1154
01:00:25,080 --> 01:00:26,439
Speaker 1: sending with this arn I sent you to the book.

1155
01:00:26,440 --> 01:00:27,880
Speaker 1: And of course it looked pretty bad in front of

1156
01:00:27,920 --> 01:00:30,640
Speaker 1: my partner. What are you talking about? I would just

1157
01:00:30,720 --> 01:00:34,080
Speaker 1: be nice and anyway it ended up in a I said, look,

1158
01:00:34,200 --> 01:00:37,560
Speaker 1: you've got to go, please leave, you know, and she

1159
01:00:37,680 --> 01:00:39,600
Speaker 1: wasn't going to leave and started yelling scream. I had

1160
01:00:39,600 --> 01:00:42,240
Speaker 1: to call the police. In the end, is this a

1161
01:00:42,360 --> 01:00:47,440
Speaker 1: rotomania where someone feels as though they are in love

1162
01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:51,840
Speaker 1: with you as a result of a simple response to

1163
01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:58,640
Speaker 1: that individual becoming like an approval of their of them

1164
01:00:58,720 --> 01:01:01,080
Speaker 1: reaching out to you. It's like sort of telling them

1165
01:01:01,160 --> 01:01:03,560
Speaker 1: that they think that you're in love with them.

1166
01:01:04,320 --> 01:01:06,840
Speaker 2: I think that would be I'll be honest with you,

1167
01:01:06,920 --> 01:01:08,640
Speaker 2: and I say this with kindness. I would say there's

1168
01:01:08,640 --> 01:01:10,760
Speaker 2: a lack of boundaries on your behalf as well, though

1169
01:01:11,320 --> 01:01:13,560
Speaker 2: there I'm not saying it's your fault that this has

1170
01:01:13,640 --> 01:01:18,360
Speaker 2: happened to you, but I'm saying that we can't. We

1171
01:01:18,600 --> 01:01:26,160
Speaker 2: can't give validation to inappropriate behaviors, right, So receiving and look,

1172
01:01:27,000 --> 01:01:29,280
Speaker 2: that's actually that could have been a really scary situation.

1173
01:01:29,640 --> 01:01:31,240
Speaker 2: You know it is already scary.

1174
01:01:31,320 --> 01:01:33,320
Speaker 1: Sometimes it does turn a scary situation. I know.

1175
01:01:33,520 --> 01:01:35,800
Speaker 2: I know it's happened to me as well. I've had

1176
01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:38,439
Speaker 2: I have people. I have a man who's in prison

1177
01:01:38,520 --> 01:01:40,400
Speaker 2: at the moment because he came to my office to

1178
01:01:40,520 --> 01:01:42,320
Speaker 2: try and have sex with me because he thought I

1179
01:01:42,440 --> 01:01:45,040
Speaker 2: was a sex worker. I've had people come to my house.

1180
01:01:45,160 --> 01:01:47,080
Speaker 2: We have a full I have a panic button next

1181
01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:50,480
Speaker 2: to my bed now because we have people show up

1182
01:01:51,160 --> 01:01:56,920
Speaker 2: that stuff is that's not an erotic thing from my perspective,

1183
01:01:57,560 --> 01:02:03,520
Speaker 2: that's an infatuation, that's inappropriate, that is unstable, that's not okay,

1184
01:02:03,800 --> 01:02:06,920
Speaker 2: And that kind of stuff is really really dangerous and

1185
01:02:07,080 --> 01:02:09,280
Speaker 2: it is part of being you know, in the public

1186
01:02:09,360 --> 01:02:13,480
Speaker 2: eye for example. But I would say boundaries are really

1187
01:02:13,520 --> 01:02:16,040
Speaker 2: really important. It's part of the reason why I have

1188
01:02:16,280 --> 01:02:20,000
Speaker 2: pulled back a lot from being online because again, you know,

1189
01:02:20,120 --> 01:02:22,480
Speaker 2: you end up having media articles with your house is

1190
01:02:22,520 --> 01:02:26,240
Speaker 2: put online. Your you know, my workplace is online of course,

1191
01:02:26,360 --> 01:02:28,480
Speaker 2: or my patients can find out where I do work

1192
01:02:28,520 --> 01:02:30,280
Speaker 2: and where you know, I have a full team there.

1193
01:02:30,760 --> 01:02:33,760
Speaker 2: But that kind of stuff I wouldn't put it in,

1194
01:02:33,960 --> 01:02:38,560
Speaker 2: like the the kind of spectrum of healthy love or

1195
01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:42,920
Speaker 2: sexuality or desire that is unhealthy and that kind of stuff.

1196
01:02:43,560 --> 01:02:46,200
Speaker 2: You know, there needs to be some serious boundaries around. No,

1197
01:02:46,440 --> 01:02:48,320
Speaker 2: I do not want you to show up. No, I'm

1198
01:02:48,400 --> 01:02:50,480
Speaker 2: not going to interact with someone who sends things to

1199
01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:54,040
Speaker 2: my to my house that are you know, uninvited, or

1200
01:02:54,880 --> 01:02:57,280
Speaker 2: who does rock up at my work, because that's going

1201
01:02:57,360 --> 01:03:01,200
Speaker 2: to be that could potentially escalate. Sometimes it's out of

1202
01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:03,560
Speaker 2: your control. However, when someone rocks up at your house

1203
01:03:03,560 --> 01:03:04,240
Speaker 2: because I found it.

1204
01:03:04,960 --> 01:03:07,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I probably did encourage it in two thousand

1205
01:03:07,280 --> 01:03:09,280
Speaker 1: and we're talking about a lot fifteen sixty years ago,

1206
01:03:09,400 --> 01:03:10,080
Speaker 1: fifteen years ago.

1207
01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:12,720
Speaker 2: But I was probably a bit of a wake up call.

1208
01:03:12,880 --> 01:03:15,080
Speaker 1: Well totally. I mean, I've just been nice. That's really

1209
01:03:15,080 --> 01:03:18,720
Speaker 1: good drawing. Well, that's nice back, but my sec my

1210
01:03:18,840 --> 01:03:22,040
Speaker 1: AA sent it back. But it doesn't matter. I learned

1211
01:03:22,080 --> 01:03:26,000
Speaker 1: lesson from it all. But this because I'm thinking about

1212
01:03:26,040 --> 01:03:29,600
Speaker 1: you now, I'm being in this world. I'm not in

1213
01:03:29,680 --> 01:03:31,600
Speaker 1: this world. You're in this world. My word. It's a

1214
01:03:31,640 --> 01:03:35,080
Speaker 1: bit different to yours. It must be fraught with danger,

1215
01:03:35,240 --> 01:03:39,440
Speaker 1: like you have to be you as a sexologist, as

1216
01:03:39,480 --> 01:03:44,080
Speaker 1: a sexual therapist. Sex therapist have to be really careful

1217
01:03:44,120 --> 01:03:44,880
Speaker 1: of this sort of stuff.

1218
01:03:45,080 --> 01:03:47,440
Speaker 2: Extremely careful, Yeah, extremely careful.

1219
01:03:47,520 --> 01:03:49,280
Speaker 1: Does that affect you? I mean do you get to

1220
01:03:49,320 --> 01:03:51,560
Speaker 1: a point where you think, fuck, what am I doing

1221
01:03:51,600 --> 01:03:51,760
Speaker 1: this for?

1222
01:03:51,960 --> 01:03:54,800
Speaker 2: Like, No, I know what I'm doing it for. I

1223
01:03:54,920 --> 01:03:55,960
Speaker 2: know I'm here to help.

1224
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:57,680
Speaker 1: People, but why are you doing? Can you tell me?

1225
01:03:58,720 --> 01:04:02,640
Speaker 2: Because I really have always grown up wanting to help people.

1226
01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:05,680
Speaker 2: I grew up in a household where we did help people,

1227
01:04:05,800 --> 01:04:11,560
Speaker 2: my parents a healing or healing but also just overall

1228
01:04:11,600 --> 01:04:16,160
Speaker 2: quality of life. So I have two beautiful parents, and

1229
01:04:16,280 --> 01:04:19,439
Speaker 2: I have an intellectually disabled sister, she's eleven months older

1230
01:04:19,520 --> 01:04:24,120
Speaker 2: than me, who has an intellectually disabled husband. And you

1231
01:04:24,200 --> 01:04:26,640
Speaker 2: know my brother in law as well. His brother is

1232
01:04:26,720 --> 01:04:28,960
Speaker 2: also disabled. So I grew up a lot in the

1233
01:04:29,040 --> 01:04:32,320
Speaker 2: disability community. And then I have two younger brothers, and

1234
01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:35,960
Speaker 2: my parents raised us helping other people. So we used

1235
01:04:35,960 --> 01:04:39,720
Speaker 2: to travel to pap New Guinea and build women's shelters

1236
01:04:39,760 --> 01:04:42,440
Speaker 2: there in hospitals. So we just grew up with a

1237
01:04:42,640 --> 01:04:45,560
Speaker 2: very open household. It was the place where people went

1238
01:04:46,120 --> 01:04:49,800
Speaker 2: to feel safe, to feel cared for, and you know,

1239
01:04:49,960 --> 01:04:54,640
Speaker 2: there was a lot of I mean, we weren't selfish.

1240
01:04:54,720 --> 01:04:56,600
Speaker 2: We were taught not to be selfish. We were taught

1241
01:04:56,640 --> 01:04:59,000
Speaker 2: in a way to be selfless. So I've had to

1242
01:04:59,080 --> 01:05:01,720
Speaker 2: learn a lot around bound in my adult years because

1243
01:05:01,760 --> 01:05:03,840
Speaker 2: that wasn't something that I learned when I was younger.

1244
01:05:05,160 --> 01:05:08,440
Speaker 2: I always wanted to help people in the sense that

1245
01:05:08,560 --> 01:05:11,080
Speaker 2: I really understand people from a psychological point of view.

1246
01:05:11,160 --> 01:05:13,280
Speaker 2: I would say it's innate in me. I'm a very

1247
01:05:13,320 --> 01:05:18,520
Speaker 2: empathetic person. And I think also because I'm neurodiverse, because

1248
01:05:18,520 --> 01:05:21,959
Speaker 2: I have add it's easy to pick up on little

1249
01:05:22,000 --> 01:05:24,600
Speaker 2: tendencies and people where you can see if they're uncomfortable

1250
01:05:24,680 --> 01:05:27,640
Speaker 2: or not. So for example, last night, you know, at

1251
01:05:27,680 --> 01:05:30,400
Speaker 2: the event, I had a woman. It was a dinner

1252
01:05:30,440 --> 01:05:32,080
Speaker 2: event that you could buy a ticket to for a

1253
01:05:32,200 --> 01:05:35,760
Speaker 2: public consumption. I have a bodyguard there. I don't organize that,

1254
01:05:35,920 --> 01:05:39,080
Speaker 2: but my team at Audible does, because you know, you

1255
01:05:39,200 --> 01:05:41,800
Speaker 2: are at risk of someone who is infatuated coming along

1256
01:05:41,880 --> 01:05:47,000
Speaker 2: and potentially, you know, a problem happening. Especially because I'm

1257
01:05:47,000 --> 01:05:49,479
Speaker 2: a young woman who talks about sex who is good looking,

1258
01:05:49,720 --> 01:05:52,680
Speaker 2: so I understand that you can get people looking at

1259
01:05:52,720 --> 01:05:55,400
Speaker 2: you from she creates a safe space to talk about

1260
01:05:55,840 --> 01:05:59,959
Speaker 2: eroticism and desire, and she's attractive. Maybe they get compus

1261
01:06:00,200 --> 01:06:01,760
Speaker 2: with the fact that I'm a therapist and not a

1262
01:06:01,840 --> 01:06:04,840
Speaker 2: sex worker, even as a you know, and I'm very

1263
01:06:04,960 --> 01:06:08,840
Speaker 2: pro sex work, but it's the same dangers that you

1264
01:06:08,960 --> 01:06:13,360
Speaker 2: come across in any industry where you talk about help sex,

1265
01:06:13,840 --> 01:06:16,840
Speaker 2: you know, and you're there caring for someone as a woman,

1266
01:06:16,920 --> 01:06:19,680
Speaker 2: you do have those extra layers of danger that can

1267
01:06:19,760 --> 01:06:23,920
Speaker 2: come with the job. And you know, I think that

1268
01:06:24,840 --> 01:06:27,960
Speaker 2: for myself, there were a few years, especially my early

1269
01:06:28,080 --> 01:06:31,440
Speaker 2: years of being online or on Instagram for example, or

1270
01:06:31,600 --> 01:06:35,520
Speaker 2: in the media, boundaries across so many times in terms

1271
01:06:35,560 --> 01:06:41,000
Speaker 2: of you know, people expecting me to give them from

1272
01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:44,600
Speaker 2: a very low level boundary cross you know, advice when

1273
01:06:44,600 --> 01:06:46,760
Speaker 2: I've never met them before and I'm out in public,

1274
01:06:46,920 --> 01:06:49,919
Speaker 2: like you know, at the event we were out last week.

1275
01:06:50,680 --> 01:06:52,760
Speaker 2: I actually have so many questions for you. I really

1276
01:06:52,800 --> 01:06:54,960
Speaker 2: want to ask about ABC and D I'm like, okay, great,

1277
01:06:55,000 --> 01:06:57,440
Speaker 2: you can book a session. But that's something I've had

1278
01:06:57,520 --> 01:06:59,280
Speaker 2: to learn and I have to teach my staff to

1279
01:06:59,400 --> 01:07:03,320
Speaker 2: tell people I'm not here for free advice for someone

1280
01:07:03,400 --> 01:07:05,240
Speaker 2: that I don't know and I have no context as

1281
01:07:05,280 --> 01:07:10,760
Speaker 2: to their background. Second of all, you know, you have

1282
01:07:10,960 --> 01:07:13,520
Speaker 2: to draw a line between what you share. I used

1283
01:07:13,520 --> 01:07:16,440
Speaker 2: to share way too much of my private life on

1284
01:07:16,560 --> 01:07:20,600
Speaker 2: my social media because there was kind of an e

1285
01:07:20,720 --> 01:07:26,720
Speaker 2: merging of sexologist and you know, someone who is kind

1286
01:07:26,760 --> 01:07:30,640
Speaker 2: of in the media for being chantelotten, so separation of

1287
01:07:30,720 --> 01:07:33,600
Speaker 2: the two. And then after having you know, a few

1288
01:07:33,680 --> 01:07:36,640
Speaker 2: dangerous scenarios happen, then I was like, I just can't

1289
01:07:36,680 --> 01:07:38,600
Speaker 2: be online like this. I don't want people to know

1290
01:07:38,680 --> 01:07:40,760
Speaker 2: where I am, where I'm staying, what city I'm in,

1291
01:07:42,080 --> 01:07:45,720
Speaker 2: you know, so everything I mean, I really only posted

1292
01:07:45,720 --> 01:07:48,920
Speaker 2: about work these days, not even you know my personal

1293
01:07:49,000 --> 01:07:52,360
Speaker 2: life at all. And for example, last week, I was

1294
01:07:52,440 --> 01:07:54,080
Speaker 2: out at a bar and someone said, oh, I know

1295
01:07:54,200 --> 01:07:56,120
Speaker 2: that you live in this area, and I actually lived

1296
01:07:56,120 --> 01:07:58,840
Speaker 2: two streets away from you, and I was like, so

1297
01:07:59,120 --> 01:08:01,200
Speaker 2: you just go, oh yeah, great.

1298
01:08:03,320 --> 01:08:07,360
Speaker 1: Struggling, And then I have to always when I trouble,

1299
01:08:07,360 --> 01:08:09,280
Speaker 1: I have to get the guard dog, send it away

1300
01:08:09,320 --> 01:08:10,280
Speaker 1: to a special place.

1301
01:08:10,440 --> 01:08:12,080
Speaker 2: Well, I live with people, you know, I have friends

1302
01:08:12,120 --> 01:08:14,080
Speaker 2: that live with us because my partner and I travel

1303
01:08:14,080 --> 01:08:15,680
Speaker 2: a lot, and I do have a guard dog, a

1304
01:08:15,760 --> 01:08:20,160
Speaker 2: small one, but I have a good security system. It's

1305
01:08:20,200 --> 01:08:21,600
Speaker 2: scary that I have to live like that.

1306
01:08:21,880 --> 01:08:27,240
Speaker 1: But it is scary because because sexuality is a very

1307
01:08:27,720 --> 01:08:30,920
Speaker 1: private thing, but it's become very public. And do you

1308
01:08:31,200 --> 01:08:35,160
Speaker 1: ever find that these things you know too much about

1309
01:08:35,200 --> 01:08:37,760
Speaker 1: the topic, and then you can start to over and

1310
01:08:37,960 --> 01:08:41,160
Speaker 1: analyze your own self in relation to how you're going.

1311
01:08:42,320 --> 01:08:43,960
Speaker 2: I think I've definitely been there. I don't think that

1312
01:08:44,120 --> 01:08:46,120
Speaker 2: there's ever a point where there's too much. I think

1313
01:08:46,120 --> 01:08:48,840
Speaker 2: I have to always remain curious because at the end

1314
01:08:48,840 --> 01:08:51,559
Speaker 2: of the day, I know nothing. I know nothing about people,

1315
01:08:52,000 --> 01:08:54,600
Speaker 2: and I really think it's important to never assume that

1316
01:08:54,720 --> 01:08:57,040
Speaker 2: you know what someone is going through, or what's happening

1317
01:08:57,080 --> 01:08:59,559
Speaker 2: in their life, or why they are in the situation

1318
01:08:59,640 --> 01:09:02,800
Speaker 2: they're in. That's something I learned very very early on,

1319
01:09:02,920 --> 01:09:05,080
Speaker 2: and something my mum taught me. You never assume what's

1320
01:09:05,080 --> 01:09:08,880
Speaker 2: happening in someone's life because you have no idea. I think.

1321
01:09:08,960 --> 01:09:11,040
Speaker 2: For me analyzing my own life, yeah, of course I

1322
01:09:11,160 --> 01:09:13,599
Speaker 2: do that. Of course I do that because it's good

1323
01:09:13,640 --> 01:09:15,599
Speaker 2: for me to reflect on myself and my own life

1324
01:09:15,640 --> 01:09:18,800
Speaker 2: and always try and develop and be better and learn

1325
01:09:18,920 --> 01:09:22,599
Speaker 2: gratitude and learn how to self regulate. I do therapy

1326
01:09:22,840 --> 01:09:24,920
Speaker 2: twice a week. I think I pay my therapist rant,

1327
01:09:24,960 --> 01:09:27,160
Speaker 2: but she's so worth it. I love her. She kicks

1328
01:09:27,200 --> 01:09:32,040
Speaker 2: my ass. But you have to learn a lot about boundaries,

1329
01:09:32,080 --> 01:09:34,400
Speaker 2: and you have to do it really fast, because otherwise

1330
01:09:34,439 --> 01:09:36,320
Speaker 2: you could end up. You're already going to end up

1331
01:09:36,320 --> 01:09:39,360
Speaker 2: in sticky situations regardless, but you can end up in

1332
01:09:39,439 --> 01:09:40,599
Speaker 2: worse situations for sure.

1333
01:09:41,160 --> 01:09:42,840
Speaker 1: Can I touch on the last thing? I'll meet you

1334
01:09:43,040 --> 01:09:45,000
Speaker 1: last week at the footy, Yes, And I'll meet you

1335
01:09:45,040 --> 01:09:51,120
Speaker 1: with Dylan and we're mates. What's it like being with such?

1336
01:09:51,400 --> 01:09:54,599
Speaker 1: For me, he's like a superstar. I love him. Deal

1337
01:09:55,800 --> 01:09:58,360
Speaker 1: delan orchodic of course, the guy's like such a big

1338
01:09:58,400 --> 01:10:03,360
Speaker 1: personality is ridiculous, Like, it's just ridiculous. What's it like

1339
01:10:03,520 --> 01:10:05,800
Speaker 1: being with a guy like that? Given that you have

1340
01:10:05,880 --> 01:10:10,839
Speaker 1: your own career, your own popularity. How do you manage

1341
01:10:11,360 --> 01:10:14,439
Speaker 1: those processes? I mean, do you and you both travel

1342
01:10:14,439 --> 01:10:18,439
Speaker 1: a lot and you're both in a huge demand. How

1343
01:10:18,479 --> 01:10:23,639
Speaker 1: do you manage not being competitive but at the same

1344
01:10:23,720 --> 01:10:25,840
Speaker 1: time being supportive? I mean, how do you manage those

1345
01:10:25,880 --> 01:10:27,840
Speaker 1: processes being with someone like him?

1346
01:10:29,040 --> 01:10:31,840
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't really talk about my relationship too

1347
01:10:31,960 --> 01:10:36,360
Speaker 2: much because of my privacy, you know, concerns, because I

1348
01:10:36,439 --> 01:10:38,720
Speaker 2: want to keep it private. But at the end of

1349
01:10:38,760 --> 01:10:41,360
Speaker 2: the day, where you know, I'm his biggest cheerleader and

1350
01:10:41,479 --> 01:10:45,280
Speaker 2: vice versa, there's no competition from my perspective because we're

1351
01:10:45,280 --> 01:10:47,280
Speaker 2: both just trying to change the world for the better,

1352
01:10:47,760 --> 01:10:52,200
Speaker 2: him in his own right with disability inclusion and myself

1353
01:10:52,320 --> 01:10:55,280
Speaker 2: in terms of mental health and sexuality.

1354
01:10:55,760 --> 01:10:59,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, great answer. Well that's so well bad, Like like

1355
01:10:59,680 --> 01:11:01,519
Speaker 1: you just flawed me. I was hoping you give me

1356
01:11:01,600 --> 01:11:04,800
Speaker 1: something to a good sort of generous vain to chase down.

1357
01:11:04,840 --> 01:11:05,960
Speaker 2: But there you go, there's a boundary.

1358
01:11:06,000 --> 01:11:09,080
Speaker 1: But in place you just put the shutter straight up

1359
01:11:09,120 --> 01:11:10,479
Speaker 1: at the same time you open the game, but you

1360
01:11:10,520 --> 01:11:12,559
Speaker 1: put the shut up very good. And I guess that's

1361
01:11:12,640 --> 01:11:18,320
Speaker 1: probably a great example of how you operate in relation

1362
01:11:18,400 --> 01:11:22,560
Speaker 1: to your patients every single day. But also you have

1363
01:11:22,640 --> 01:11:24,360
Speaker 1: to operate that way you like in your own life.

1364
01:11:24,560 --> 01:11:26,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think one of my key lanes is

1365
01:11:26,320 --> 01:11:28,479
Speaker 2: I'm not here to talk about me, I'm here to

1366
01:11:28,560 --> 01:11:29,080
Speaker 2: talk about you.

1367
01:11:29,680 --> 01:11:32,559
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well sometimes that happens to me in the show.

1368
01:11:33,920 --> 01:11:36,439
Speaker 1: But you'll get your own podcasts, and you know how

1369
01:11:37,000 --> 01:11:40,280
Speaker 1: podcasts work. Tell me about your podcast before we wrap up.

1370
01:11:40,320 --> 01:11:41,360
Speaker 1: So what's your podcast called.

1371
01:11:41,439 --> 01:11:44,160
Speaker 2: It's called Sex Therapy Sessions with Chantelotan.

1372
01:11:44,960 --> 01:11:49,080
Speaker 1: Wow, I know, I know, but it's good.

1373
01:11:50,720 --> 01:11:53,600
Speaker 2: Look, it's actually it's phenomenal. It's quite groundbreaking.

1374
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:56,479
Speaker 1: You can you know, where is it first? Where do

1375
01:11:56,560 --> 01:11:56,840
Speaker 1: I get it?

1376
01:11:57,240 --> 01:11:59,840
Speaker 2: Audible? It's exclusively on Audible. It's free to listen to.

1377
01:12:00,560 --> 01:12:03,599
Speaker 2: We've just completed season two. It's a very long process

1378
01:12:03,840 --> 01:12:07,560
Speaker 2: to record it. It takes months because you're listening in

1379
01:12:07,680 --> 01:12:08,880
Speaker 2: on people's therapy sessions.

1380
01:12:08,880 --> 01:12:13,120
Speaker 1: People who follow O real therapy. Remember this is real Okay, So.

1381
01:12:14,920 --> 01:12:17,160
Speaker 2: These are people who volunteer for the project. I've never

1382
01:12:17,240 --> 01:12:20,320
Speaker 2: met them before in my life. You know, we would

1383
01:12:20,400 --> 01:12:23,680
Speaker 2: up well, I would up usually for each season a

1384
01:12:24,960 --> 01:12:28,439
Speaker 2: application on my social media if you would like to

1385
01:12:28,520 --> 01:12:32,080
Speaker 2: be part of this project, especially now people know what

1386
01:12:32,200 --> 01:12:35,120
Speaker 2: the project is, they can apply and know, you know,

1387
01:12:35,720 --> 01:12:38,760
Speaker 2: what they're kind of getting into. You want to be

1388
01:12:38,800 --> 01:12:42,320
Speaker 2: part of Sex Therapy Season three, which is hopefully coming up,

1389
01:12:43,479 --> 01:12:46,200
Speaker 2: you know, please send in your application and we get

1390
01:12:46,280 --> 01:12:49,719
Speaker 2: thousands within twenty four hours. I'm saying like three thousand

1391
01:12:49,800 --> 01:12:53,639
Speaker 2: within twenty four hours per series. So usually around twelve

1392
01:12:54,040 --> 01:12:57,719
Speaker 2: we usually have to We'll record like twelve to fifteen

1393
01:12:57,760 --> 01:12:59,560
Speaker 2: because we might have to cut a few depending on

1394
01:12:59,600 --> 01:13:02,760
Speaker 2: what happened or what comes out, because of course I

1395
01:13:02,880 --> 01:13:06,200
Speaker 2: deal a lot with complex trauma or you know, I'm

1396
01:13:06,320 --> 01:13:10,200
Speaker 2: very protective of whoever comes on the podcast. No no, no,

1397
01:13:10,520 --> 01:13:13,439
Speaker 2: but you know, if something is too triggering, then it's

1398
01:13:13,479 --> 01:13:15,800
Speaker 2: not going to come on the podcast. And of course

1399
01:13:15,800 --> 01:13:18,720
Speaker 2: there are triggering things in there, but I don't want

1400
01:13:18,760 --> 01:13:21,320
Speaker 2: any of the people who do participate in the podcast

1401
01:13:21,400 --> 01:13:24,200
Speaker 2: to leave and go, wow, I've just built so much

1402
01:13:24,720 --> 01:13:27,559
Speaker 2: personal stuff that for that to be out in the world,

1403
01:13:27,600 --> 01:13:30,840
Speaker 2: even though it's anonymous, that's giving me more anxiety. So

1404
01:13:31,280 --> 01:13:35,600
Speaker 2: I make calls around how the episodes are curated and

1405
01:13:35,920 --> 01:13:39,560
Speaker 2: help produce them. But we record two patient sessions and

1406
01:13:39,640 --> 01:13:41,560
Speaker 2: a follow up call, so it's around three hours of

1407
01:13:41,640 --> 01:13:44,040
Speaker 2: recording to get down to a forty five minute episode.

1408
01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:48,200
Speaker 2: So one session, the first time I meet the patients

1409
01:13:48,439 --> 01:13:52,240
Speaker 2: is in the podcast room, so it looks like a

1410
01:13:52,280 --> 01:13:55,240
Speaker 2: normal therapy room. It's two couches, we have overhead mics

1411
01:13:55,280 --> 01:13:58,200
Speaker 2: and lapel mics. My dog does come in with me

1412
01:13:58,320 --> 01:14:00,360
Speaker 2: sometimes that he's not allowed to stay in this studio

1413
01:14:00,760 --> 01:14:03,280
Speaker 2: because he snarls a lot and you can hear it

1414
01:14:03,360 --> 01:14:07,080
Speaker 2: over the mic. But it's a very warm opening place

1415
01:14:07,920 --> 01:14:10,519
Speaker 2: and we do have the producers in the next room

1416
01:14:10,600 --> 01:14:13,000
Speaker 2: as well, so they're really well taken care of. It's

1417
01:14:13,040 --> 01:14:16,680
Speaker 2: all anonymous and you listen to real life scenarios. So

1418
01:14:16,800 --> 01:14:23,200
Speaker 2: we have episodes on like sex after childbirth, self worth, boundary,

1419
01:14:23,479 --> 01:14:30,280
Speaker 2: self esteem, kink, pleasure, you know, different religious and cultural backgrounds.

1420
01:14:30,360 --> 01:14:33,840
Speaker 2: It's absolutely fascinating and it's such a pleasure for me

1421
01:14:33,960 --> 01:14:35,680
Speaker 2: to be able to meet the people who volunteer for

1422
01:14:35,760 --> 01:14:36,640
Speaker 2: this project.

1423
01:14:36,640 --> 01:14:39,840
Speaker 1: And is we get wound up and as you know

1424
01:14:39,920 --> 01:14:46,439
Speaker 1: how the process works, but is this your way of

1425
01:14:47,960 --> 01:14:51,240
Speaker 1: dealing with all the questions you would otherwise get asked

1426
01:14:52,160 --> 01:14:54,080
Speaker 1: if you're walking around the public, if you're in a pub.

1427
01:14:54,160 --> 01:14:55,719
Speaker 1: We've were at a restaurant, if you're in the footy,

1428
01:14:55,760 --> 01:14:57,960
Speaker 1: whatever the case with me. Someone goes says, listen, can

1429
01:14:58,000 --> 01:14:59,720
Speaker 1: I just ask a quick question? Is this your way

1430
01:14:59,760 --> 01:15:01,160
Speaker 1: do with them? You say, listen on this to the

1431
01:15:01,160 --> 01:15:04,920
Speaker 1: podcast because I probably cover that topic. Is this Are

1432
01:15:04,960 --> 01:15:10,479
Speaker 1: you trying to distribute your knowledge by doing this podcast series?

1433
01:15:10,680 --> 01:15:14,960
Speaker 2: No, I'm there to normalize topics for other people. So

1434
01:15:15,120 --> 01:15:17,160
Speaker 2: it's not about my knowledge at all. It's about other

1435
01:15:17,200 --> 01:15:20,720
Speaker 2: people's experiences because for every one person that comes to

1436
01:15:20,760 --> 01:15:23,160
Speaker 2: see me, there are thousands more people with the same question.

1437
01:15:23,680 --> 01:15:25,160
Speaker 2: So actually, you don't hear a lot of me on

1438
01:15:25,240 --> 01:15:25,799
Speaker 2: the podcast.

1439
01:15:25,880 --> 01:15:26,040
Speaker 1: You do.

1440
01:15:26,160 --> 01:15:30,760
Speaker 2: You hear me gently, you know, providing therapy and giving

1441
01:15:30,840 --> 01:15:34,800
Speaker 2: kind of coaching or feedback and reflections and home play.

1442
01:15:34,960 --> 01:15:37,760
Speaker 2: But it really is about people sharing their story and

1443
01:15:37,880 --> 01:15:40,639
Speaker 2: other people listening in and going I'm not alone. I'm

1444
01:15:40,680 --> 01:15:42,400
Speaker 2: not alone because I have the same concerns.

1445
01:15:42,479 --> 01:15:44,400
Speaker 1: I'm not a widow, I'm nothing wrong with me. There

1446
01:15:44,439 --> 01:15:45,240
Speaker 1: are other people want me.

1447
01:15:45,320 --> 01:15:46,960
Speaker 2: It's so normal for this topic to come.

1448
01:15:47,240 --> 01:15:52,639
Speaker 1: Absolutely, chantell Otten, thanks very much for coming on straight

1449
01:15:52,720 --> 01:15:53,920
Speaker 1: to it. That was awesome, thank you,