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Speaker 1: That was all very full on and look it didn't

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Speaker 1: end well, not horrible.

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Speaker 2: Guys, welcome back to Thursday Girl's Guide.

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Speaker 3: We've got Mimi What the Dating Coach joining us for

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Speaker 3: this week's episode, and she's going to be answering some

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Speaker 3: questions that you guys sent in on the joph Girls Instagram.

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Speaker 2: So we're just going to dive straight into it and a.

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Speaker 1: Quick fire to help you guys as some of your

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Speaker 1: burning questions.

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Speaker 3: How can young women identify when a relationship is no

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Speaker 3: longer serving them and what are some healthy ways to

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Speaker 3: break up or let go of a relationship.

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Speaker 4: I think if you start to realize.

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Speaker 5: That you don't like who you are in the context

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Speaker 5: of that relationship, just like if when you're with your

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Speaker 5: friends and family, you feel like yourself, you feel like

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Speaker 5: you like who you are. But then if you're in

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Speaker 5: the relationship and you don't like the person you are

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Speaker 5: in that relationship, whether you're really anxious or really like

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Speaker 5: if you're feeling depressed or lonely or isolated or down,

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Speaker 5: or it just doesn't feel healthy anymore, then I would

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Speaker 5: say that's a sign that the relationship is no longer

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Speaker 5: serving you. And in terms of the second part of

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Speaker 5: that question, I mean, I don't know if there's a

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Speaker 5: straightforward answer to that. I think there's a whole grieving

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Speaker 5: process that needs to happen, like moving on from a relationship.

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Speaker 5: But one thing that I found extremely helpful in previous

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Speaker 5: relationships letting go of, and that I recommend to people

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Speaker 5: is actually sit down and write out all the reasons

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Speaker 5: why you think it's time to move on from this relationship,

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Speaker 5: because your emotions will just cloud your judgment every time,

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Speaker 5: and they'll make you think that, oh, maybe it wasn't

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Speaker 5: that bad, or maybe I still want to be with them,

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Speaker 5: and your emotions will drive your behavior, and so in

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Speaker 5: that moment, you really need to remind yourself of the

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Speaker 5: reasons why it's healthy and important for you to let go.

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Speaker 4: And so write it on paper, get it out and

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Speaker 4: keep reading it and remind me.

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Speaker 1: And like refer back to it if you have a

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Speaker 1: little absolutely.

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Speaker 3: Because I feel like sometimes girls get caught by like

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Speaker 3: they'll go through the camera or they'll go through the

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Speaker 3: fun with memories of like when it was a really

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Speaker 3: good time, but you because your brain wants to obviously

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Speaker 3: have good memories of someone, but you don't remind yourself

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Speaker 3: of the bad times. So I feel like that's a

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Speaker 3: really good tip. So then you can go back and

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Speaker 3: read all the shit things or something.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, they totally.

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Speaker 1: Another question is what do you think is a good

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Speaker 1: way to meet people outside of dating apps.

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Speaker 5: Think about the type of person you want to date

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Speaker 5: and ask yourself, where would they be hanging out, what

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Speaker 5: kind of activities would they be doing?

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Speaker 6: Christmas?

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Speaker 3: Fo Yeah, I do boxing and I have the Christmas

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Speaker 3: party tomorrow. And I was like, can I bring easy

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Speaker 3: to my trainer? And he was like, she has to

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Speaker 3: do a class first. I was like, she's got claws,

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Speaker 3: she's not bringing it, but can I bring her out?

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Speaker 6: I have to do a class first.

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Speaker 2: But I was like, she's got clause, she can't. And

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Speaker 2: I was like, all right, she can still come. I

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Speaker 2: was like, you'll meet a hot boxer there.

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Speaker 6: Maybe I should I go.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they exercise, they're in shaw, they like doing some

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Speaker 1: sort of physical activity. Tick tick see me at the

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Speaker 1: Christmas party.

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Speaker 4: There you go. It's the right question.

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Speaker 2: So well I should go to a pub and watch

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Speaker 2: the sport.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, do you want to date someone who's obsessed with

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Speaker 5: sport and goes to the pub every weekend?

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Speaker 2: I don't mind that.

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Speaker 1: I like like a bit of a why would you

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Speaker 1: recommend some places to go?

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Speaker 5: Okay, Well, if you're into maybe if you like, like

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Speaker 5: someone who's fit and active and likes being outdoors, maybe

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Speaker 5: go join like an outdoor boot camp or join a

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Speaker 5: run like run clubs.

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Speaker 6: Love exercise where else?

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Speaker 3: So I do exercise, but if a man looks at

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Speaker 3: me in the gym, you're never gonna get the right

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Speaker 3: response for me.

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Speaker 2: Leave me alone.

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Speaker 6: See, I don't think i'd mind.

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Speaker 3: No, dude, you go to Pulse eight and you say

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Speaker 3: you get nervous every time you go in there.

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Speaker 6: They're all eighteen.

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Speaker 4: I think.

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Speaker 5: Look, I don't know if I have like specific places

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Speaker 5: of where to go, but I think it just it's

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Speaker 5: a matter of getting out of your comfort zone.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, and like trying things you haven't tried before.

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Speaker 5: Or if you get invited to go somewhere and you

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Speaker 5: sort of can't be bothered to go, it's like push

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Speaker 5: yourself to go because you never know who you'll meet,

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Speaker 5: or maybe you meet someone and then they know someone

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Speaker 5: who they want to introduce you to. Right, So it's

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Speaker 5: like you've got to get out of your comfort zone

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Speaker 5: and just try new things and get yourself into different

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Speaker 5: environments that you wouldn't normally be in.

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Speaker 1: Totally, Like going to the same bar every single Friday

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Speaker 1: night is like not going to help at all. I

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Speaker 1: feel like I don't want to meet someone out at

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Speaker 1: like a club. I'd like to meet someone like at

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Speaker 1: a cafe.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, anyway, I get that.

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Speaker 6: I'll fix that.

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Speaker 2: How do you know if you're being love bombed?

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Speaker 5: Okay, if you're being loved bombed, you will experience someone

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Speaker 5: who there's a few different signs they are texting you

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Speaker 5: or trying to communicate with you, like twenty four seven, Right,

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Speaker 5: So let's say you've been a one date and then

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Speaker 5: they just want to talk to you constantly all the time.

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Speaker 5: They're like showering you with affection, showering you with compliments.

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Speaker 5: Maybe they want to even like take you away for

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Speaker 5: the weekends. You've only known them for a week or

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Speaker 5: two weeks. Think of it as it's a disproportionate amount

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Speaker 5: of attention and affection and feelings for the time the

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Speaker 5: time that you've known someone, Right, So it's like, how

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Speaker 5: can you possibly know that someone is the right person

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Speaker 5: for you or like actually healthy to be in a

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Speaker 5: relationship after one week or.

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Speaker 1: My last relationship was love bomb. I got love bombed

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Speaker 1: very heavily, like I got the other.

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Speaker 4: With the experience. For you, what did he do well?

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Speaker 1: He told me love me in like a week, needed

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Speaker 1: to see me every day. We didn't really even have

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Speaker 1: a night apart for our whole relationship, which is unusual. I,

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Speaker 1: like I said, I'm very independent, I live by myself.

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Speaker 1: I love sleeping alone. So it was just right out

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Speaker 1: the gate. It was pretty much from the moment we

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Speaker 1: started speaking, like we'd hang out every single day, and yeah,

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Speaker 1: the love you came very quickly, as did that will

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Speaker 1: you be my girlfriend? It was all very full one

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Speaker 1: and look it didn't end well, not horrible, yeah that

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Speaker 1: but like we are okay now, just because we were

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Speaker 1: old friends and we've kind of grown. But yeah, I

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Speaker 1: think when I was in it, I knew it. I

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Speaker 1: still I was aware that it was happening, but I

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Speaker 1: liked him back at that point, so I was enjoying it.

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Speaker 1: So it's kind of, I feel like, hard to get

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Speaker 1: out of that situation when you are enjoying the attention

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Speaker 1: that you're receiving.

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Speaker 3: And if you do like them and you are aware

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Speaker 3: of being love bombed. What are some things that you

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Speaker 3: can kind of do to stop yourself from being love

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Speaker 3: bombed or from stop yourself from falling from it?

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Speaker 6: And do you think it's just bad? It's always just

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Speaker 6: a no goo.

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Speaker 1: If that person's going to love bomb you, the relationship

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Speaker 1: is going to end badly.

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Speaker 5: I think there's certain boundaries that you can put in

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Speaker 5: place to slow things down or to let someone know

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Speaker 5: that you're not up for that, like you don't want

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Speaker 5: that intensity. So that could look like maybe you said

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Speaker 5: a boundary and you only go on a date with

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Speaker 5: this person once a week for the first month, like

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Speaker 5: no more that once a week, will you go on

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Speaker 5: a date? Or if they're texting you a lot, like

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Speaker 5: they're texting you all day every day, setting a boundary

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Speaker 5: by saying something like I love how much you want

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Speaker 5: to get to know me, and I'm really enjoying getting

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Speaker 5: to know you too, but I'd love to keep like

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Speaker 5: let's keep getting.

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Speaker 4: To know each other for our in person dates.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, like you know, let's organize a date for next

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Speaker 5: week so you can say things that aren't refronting.

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Speaker 4: But it's just like setting a boundary to slow things down.

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Speaker 1: Best tips for surviving a long distance relationship. Oh, have

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Speaker 1: you ever had one?

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Speaker 4: I have not been in a long distance relationship.

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Speaker 5: I don't know if I could do it. I mean

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Speaker 5: I could, I don't think i'd want to. Yeah, So look,

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Speaker 5: I think I haven't been in one. But I would

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Speaker 5: say I would say set some set some guidelines for

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Speaker 5: how you and your partner want to navigate that together,

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Speaker 5: so you're not just leaving things up to chance, like

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Speaker 5: kind of decide between the two of you how often

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Speaker 5: you want to communicate what that's going to look like,

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Speaker 5: so that you're not left wondering what's going on and

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Speaker 5: feeling out of control. So i'd say, like, set up

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Speaker 5: some guidelines between you and your partner to navigate that

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Speaker 5: the way that it works for you totally.

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Speaker 3: What are some best tips of making it out of

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Speaker 3: the talking phase? Like I feel I feel like there's

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Speaker 3: a lot of things going out of the internet being

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Speaker 3: like if you've been dating for three months and he

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Speaker 3: hasn't made it exclusive or anything like that, Like how

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Speaker 3: do you get from the casually dating Maybe we're talking

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Speaker 3: to other people to like kind of get it to

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Speaker 3: be like I want to be exclusive with you?

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Speaker 6: Yeah, and how long is too long.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, to be in that talking phase where it's like

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Speaker 1: you might as well just let go of this one.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 5: I think it's about how you feel at a certain stage,

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Speaker 5: the way it's been three months and you're noticing that

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Speaker 5: maybe there's like a few other people you're seeing or

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Speaker 5: talking to, but you're no longer interested, and it's very

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Speaker 5: clear for you that you'd like to put all your

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Speaker 5: efforts into this one person. You feel like you know

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Speaker 5: them well enough, you want a relationship with them Again,

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Speaker 5: it comes down to communication and literally letting that person

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Speaker 5: know how you feel and just saying, like I need to,

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Speaker 5: I'd love to have a conversation about where this is going?

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Speaker 4: Are you open to that?

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Speaker 3: These aren't the answers we were looking for, Like you

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Speaker 3: should just blink twice at them and they should read

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Speaker 3: your mind.

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Speaker 6: No, no, girls, we actually have to voice our opinions. Ladies.

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Speaker 5: Secure dating, Ladies, secure dating, mature dating is I'd love

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Speaker 5: to have a conversation about where this is going?

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Speaker 4: Are you, Availa? Are you open to that? Right? And

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Speaker 4: asking that question are you open to that?

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Speaker 5: Is really important because it helps the other person feel

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Speaker 5: like they are an active participant in wanting to have

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Speaker 5: this conversation, Whereas if you don't ask that, you're just

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Speaker 5: like if you're just like, where's this going, or you're

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Speaker 5: just springing it on someone, they may not they may

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Speaker 5: like feel uncomfortable, they may not be ready for the conversation.

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Speaker 5: So I'm actually asking like, are you open to that?

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Speaker 5: It gives them the chance to say, actually, yeah, I

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Speaker 5: am open to that, and when they agree, they're going

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Speaker 5: to be much more attuned to actually hear what you're

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Speaker 5: saying to want to have the conversation, to be invested.

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Speaker 5: So just saying like are you open to that? And

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Speaker 5: they say yes, it's like, you know, we've been dating

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Speaker 5: each other for a few months now and.

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Speaker 4: I've really I'm like really enjoying this and I'm at.

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Speaker 5: A stage where I feel that I want to be

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Speaker 5: I want to be exclusive with you.

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Speaker 4: I want to stop seeing other people. Like how do

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Speaker 4: you feel about that?

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Speaker 5: Ye?

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Speaker 4: Are your match for that?

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Speaker 3: Could you say like, are you seeing other people? Because

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Speaker 3: I don't want to see other people? Is that a

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Speaker 3: good way to put it?

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Speaker 2: Or is it like a you should be direct.

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Speaker 6: And say I'm not seeing anyone else?

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Speaker 5: I Ah, you don't necessarily ask are you seeing other people.

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Speaker 5: I think it's more about like, this is where I'm at,

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Speaker 5: this is what I'm now looking for, right do you.

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Speaker 4: Feel like that?

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Speaker 1: Like you'd say, I'm not really interested in seeing anyone else.

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Speaker 6: That's where I'm at. Where are you at?

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Speaker 5: And I would like to I'm at a point where

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Speaker 5: I feel like I would like to be make this

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Speaker 5: exclusive if you're on the same page, like how do

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Speaker 5: you feel about that?

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Speaker 1: So it's very much more about talking about how you

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Speaker 1: feel and where you're at and kind of opening it

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Speaker 1: up for them.

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Speaker 3: Okay, And is it normal to like go on a date,

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Speaker 3: like if you're on a date and you've been on

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Speaker 3: a few dates with them maybe, or be like what

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Speaker 3: are you looking for in dating? Like is that like

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Speaker 3: a thing that you could ask someone? Like you know

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Speaker 3: how on hinge it has like the short term relationship,

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Speaker 3: long term relationship or like figuring it out, like is

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Speaker 3: that a thing that you can ask someone in person?

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Speaker 2: Being like what are you looking for? Like do you

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Speaker 2: want to go on friend?

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Speaker 6: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Otherwise if someone's just wanting to casually date and you're

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Speaker 1: wanting a relationship, I feel like you want to know

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Speaker 1: that soon?

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Speaker 2: Like how do you bring up in a conversation, though.

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Speaker 5: I would ask that in either the either the first

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Speaker 5: or second date, right because I don't want to be

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Speaker 5: you don't want to waste your time. Like if you

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Speaker 5: are adamant that you're dating intentionally to meet someone who

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Speaker 5: also wants a long term commitment, and this person is

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Speaker 5: they know they only want a date for fun, that's

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Speaker 5: going to be That's like, that's not a line. So

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Speaker 5: I would say either in the first or the second date,

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Speaker 5: you could just yeah, you bring it up in conversation,

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Speaker 5: say so, like, what are you looking for in dating?

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Speaker 4: Right now? Literally literally, I've never asked that a date.

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Speaker 6: I've asked that. I asked that question on like every day.

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Speaker 2: I've never asked that.

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Speaker 1: I feel like it's so not as heavy as a

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Speaker 1: question as you think it is.

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Speaker 4: It's not it makes sense to ask that question completely.

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Speaker 6: That was probably so.

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Speaker 2: Then my thing is, what if they throw that question

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Speaker 2: back on me.

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Speaker 6: What are you looking for?

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Speaker 2: I don't know?

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Speaker 6: Well, then say that.

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Speaker 4: Well, you need to get clear on what you're looking for.

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Speaker 6: What are you looking for?

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Speaker 2: I don't know how all the listeners, I don't know.

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Speaker 4: It sounds like you need to sit down and have

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Speaker 4: a little think about that.

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Speaker 6: I'm stressed.

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Speaker 1: Is it healthy to give ultimatums like if you do this,

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Speaker 1: I will break up with you.

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Speaker 5: It's no, no, no, it's not healthy. It's it is healthy.

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Speaker 5: Very's not healthy to set clear boundaries. And so an

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Speaker 5: ultimatum is like when you're that's rooted in control, you're

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Speaker 5: trying to control someone's behavior. So an ultimatum would sound

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Speaker 5: like like what you just said, If you don't stop

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Speaker 5: looking at other girls, I'm breaking up with you.

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Speaker 4: That's control, right, Yeah, that's unhealthy.

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Speaker 5: Healthy is setting a boundary, which means saying I'm not

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Speaker 5: available to be in a relationship with someone who's constantly

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Speaker 5: looking at other women. You can do what you want,

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Speaker 5: but I'm just letting you know. If you want to

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Speaker 5: continue pursuing this connection with me, that's something I'm not

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Speaker 5: available for.

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Speaker 6: Right, So just it's all kind of about.

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Speaker 5: Wow, I am not available for this. I will remove

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Speaker 5: myself if you continue to do this. The choice is yours,

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Speaker 5: but I'm just letting you know where I'm at.

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Speaker 6: How much arguing is too much? Like how do you

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Speaker 6: know what you can and can't fix?

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Speaker 5: I think there's arguing is healthy in a relationship to

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Speaker 5: a certain extent. Look, if you're arguing with your partner

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Speaker 5: every day, yeah, it's probably it's probably a problem. It's

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Speaker 5: okay to have disagreements with your partner, to butt heads

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Speaker 5: on things, especially like in the first six months of

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Speaker 5: a relationship, you're really getting to know each other, like

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Speaker 5: you're getting to know your communication styles, how you handle conflicts,

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Speaker 5: all this stuff, and that can take some time to

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Speaker 5: like figure it out.

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Speaker 4: But the important thing is if you do.

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Speaker 5: Have an argument or a disagreement, how do you then

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Speaker 5: come back together?

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Speaker 4: How do you handle that conflict?

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Speaker 5: Do you let it just fester and go on for

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Speaker 5: days and weeks or are you able to sit down

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Speaker 5: together after you've taken like a little bit of space

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Speaker 5: and talk calmly about Okay, what just happened there?

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Speaker 4: Why did you feel this way? Okay, I felt this way.

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Speaker 5: Do you understand that what are we going to do

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Speaker 5: moving forward so that we can this doesn't happen again?

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Speaker 5: Or how are we going to handle this in the

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Speaker 5: future when it does arise. So arguments are fine, but

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Speaker 5: it's just how you manage it.

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Speaker 1: I remember hearing this saying once, and I feel like

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Speaker 1: it's always stuck with me. But I was never in

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Speaker 1: like a healthy relationship when.

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Speaker 6: I heard it.

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Speaker 1: But like, when you're arguing with a partner, it's not

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Speaker 1: you verse them, it's both of you verse like the issue.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, you want to be on the same team, yeah,

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Speaker 5: like to solve the problem, but yeah, like.

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Speaker 4: We figure this out, Like you're the fucking problem and

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Speaker 4: I'm not.

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Speaker 6: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I feel like people say, oh, I never argue with

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Speaker 1: my spouse, and I feel like, are you even then

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Speaker 1: being truly honest with each other about any issues that arise,

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Speaker 1: because I feel like then they're minimized, minimizing their feelings

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Speaker 1: to avoid.

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Speaker 2: It to make the other person happy.

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Speaker 6: Yeah. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: And would you say if the argument, like, for example,

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Speaker 3: if the argument is always has an underlying thing, So

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Speaker 3: say if the argument is always based on a lack

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Speaker 3: of trust or like I don't believe you with what

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Speaker 3: you're saying, and that is what kind of every argument

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Speaker 3: has as the underlying factor as to why you continue

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Speaker 3: to argue, even though it may be about a different thing,

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Speaker 3: but it still comes down to like trust being an

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Speaker 3: issue or respect being an issue. Do you think you

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Speaker 3: can work through that and get over it or do

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Speaker 3: you think where actions you're actually just two different people

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Speaker 3: and it's not going to work, and your needs aren't

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Speaker 3: being met by one another. Like if there's a lack

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Speaker 3: of respect or trust.

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Speaker 5: If the lack of trust is a big factor that

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Speaker 5: keeps coming up, then there's two ways you can look

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Speaker 5: at it. So if the person you're dating, if you

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Speaker 5: feel like their words and their actions aren't aligning, like

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Speaker 5: you can sense like you have this deep gut feeling

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Speaker 5: like you just know something's off, like you know they're

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Speaker 5: being shady, then that's when you can recognize that that

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Speaker 5: sense of distrust like it's valid, like it's probably there

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Speaker 5: for a reason. In fact, I would nearly certainly say

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Speaker 5: it's there for a reason.

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Speaker 6: Yeah.

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Speaker 5: But if your partner is they're they always doing what

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Speaker 5: they say they're going to be doing, like they're really

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Speaker 5: in integrity, they are very consistent with you, they have

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Speaker 5: nothing to hide, and you're just feeling like you're constantly

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Speaker 5: anxious and you're just overthinking things, then that is something

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Speaker 5: for you to work on as an individual. Right, that's

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Speaker 5: where you need to understand how to manage your emotions

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Speaker 5: and how to manage those anxious thoughts that are going

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Speaker 5: on in your head. So the difference is like one

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Speaker 5: of them is like this deep knowing, this gut feeling

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Speaker 5: and that I think never lies. And if you the

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Speaker 5: longer you ignore that, the more toxic it's going to

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Speaker 5: feel in your body and in the relationship.

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Speaker 4: So you need to pay attention.

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Speaker 5: But if it's this more flighty feeling and your mind

402
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Speaker 5: is just like spiraling and you're just anxious, but your

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Speaker 5: partner's actually just doing everything they say they're doing, then

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Speaker 5: that's an opportunity for you to go and get support

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Speaker 5: to work through what's coming up for you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, well, so guys, thank you so much.

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Speaker 6: Mimi. I honestly feel like a new person.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I've already as we were speaking, I have already

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Speaker 1: purchased that book. So I'm so excited. We're so grateful

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Speaker 1: to have you. Thank you for coming on and chatting

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Speaker 1: to all.

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Speaker 2: Thank you, Thank you so much, amazing advice.

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Speaker 6: Thank you, thank you,