WEBVTT - #2057 Resilient Kids - Dr. Sam Casey 0:00:00.440 --> 0:00:02.759 I'll get a team. Welcome to another installment you project. 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.880 It's bloody aarps in the thriving metropolis of Melbourne. It's raining, 0:00:07.040 --> 0:00:10.360 it's raining like the middle of winter here. It's cloudy, 0:00:10.440 --> 0:00:14.560 it's dark, it's it's kind of cold, and we're about 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:18.200 three minutes away from bloody summer. What's it like in Karatha, 0:00:18.239 --> 0:00:18.920 doctor Sam? 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:21.400 Yeah, it's really starting to heat up over here? 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:26.880 Is it's the what's the I should know this? But 0:00:27.080 --> 0:00:30.480 is it is Caratha very humid or is it just hot? 0:00:30.760 --> 0:00:32.560 It's very humid? Yeah? 0:00:32.760 --> 0:00:32.960 Right? 0:00:33.440 --> 0:00:37.080 And so what's what's your favorite what's the most comfortable 0:00:38.200 --> 0:00:41.440 or maybe that depends that's person in person. What's your 0:00:41.479 --> 0:00:43.760 favorite time of the year? What is it winter? Is 0:00:43.800 --> 0:00:45.320 it autumn, spring, summer? 0:00:45.680 --> 0:00:47.879 That's a good one, not that it feels like we 0:00:47.960 --> 0:00:50.080 go through all the seasons, but I definitely think that 0:00:50.200 --> 0:00:54.120 September is a really good time. And April, so yeah, 0:00:54.800 --> 0:00:56.240 that's I see the best. 0:00:57.240 --> 0:00:59.920 How long does it take to drive from person to 0:01:00.120 --> 0:01:01.639 Kartha if you were going. 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:03.760 To drive about eighteen hours? 0:01:04.040 --> 0:01:09.640 Oh god, yeah god. So that's like that's like Melbourne 0:01:09.680 --> 0:01:13.479 to Sydney and beyond. Like, yeah, Melbourne and Sydney's. That's 0:01:13.520 --> 0:01:14.800 like double more than double. 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:16.520 Maybe you need to do it in like two days 0:01:16.560 --> 0:01:17.120 at least. 0:01:17.800 --> 0:01:20.160 Yeah, but you wouldn't have you ever driven it. You 0:01:20.200 --> 0:01:21.120 wouldn't bother it, would you. 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:23.760 Yeah, because you can kind of make it like a 0:01:23.840 --> 0:01:25.440 road trip. You know, you could stop off at a 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:28.720 few places, and yeah, I have driven it, but I 0:01:28.760 --> 0:01:31.240 definitely don't do it often because you know, to shaves 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:32.199 off time of your trips. 0:01:32.200 --> 0:01:35.880 So so when people when people come to Karafa, do 0:01:35.959 --> 0:01:39.800 they are they overwhelmed with the heat and the humidity 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:42.000 and you're like, what do you mean it's just Tuesday, 0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:43.480 because you're fully acclimated. 0:01:44.240 --> 0:01:46.840 Yeah, that's exactly what happens. I think people kind of 0:01:46.840 --> 0:01:48.680 get shot and they're like, Wow, this is so hot, 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:50.800 and you know, coming into the summer month, I'm like, 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:51.880 oh this, there's nothing yet. 0:01:52.000 --> 0:01:54.040 You know, this is our cooler month. So you're right. 0:01:54.440 --> 0:01:57.000 My body definitely has like a climatized to it. Even 0:01:57.040 --> 0:02:00.160 though I grew up from pair, I definitely feel like 0:02:00.200 --> 0:02:01.400 I'm a country girl now. 0:02:01.560 --> 0:02:05.320 Des A Gal Well, thank you for getting up at 0:02:05.440 --> 0:02:08.919 stupid o'clock. As we record this, it's just after five 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:13.800 point forty five in the morning, So clearly your a 0:02:14.160 --> 0:02:17.760 morning person. Does your brain work better in the am 0:02:17.800 --> 0:02:19.160 than the PM or neither. 0:02:19.680 --> 0:02:22.480 I've had to make myself an early person because I 0:02:22.520 --> 0:02:25.360 found that's the only way I can get any exercise done, 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:27.799 and it really sets me out for the day. But 0:02:27.880 --> 0:02:30.919 I definitely feel like I'm a natural night ours or 0:02:30.960 --> 0:02:32.800 it's definitely a bit of a tug of war between 0:02:32.800 --> 0:02:35.440 my mind working probably better at night, but my body 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:36.600 working better in the morning. 0:02:36.760 --> 0:02:39.760 So back in the old days, when you were a 0:02:39.840 --> 0:02:43.880 kid two years ago and you're you're doing your PhD 0:02:44.480 --> 0:02:48.000 and you're up to your eyeballs in fucking research and 0:02:48.120 --> 0:02:53.040 bullshit and long nights and stress and anxiety and submissions 0:02:53.080 --> 0:02:56.280 and all of that, when did you do your best work, 0:02:56.400 --> 0:03:00.120 like your best study, your best research, your best focus. 0:03:00.040 --> 0:03:01.800 Nine pm to twelve am. 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:05.120 So when I yeah, when ID the first when I 0:03:05.120 --> 0:03:07.000 went back to my PhD. So I first started, and 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:08.840 I got pregnant at the same time, you know, as 0:03:08.880 --> 0:03:11.000 you do. And so then I took actually I took 0:03:11.000 --> 0:03:13.160 a few months off and I went back and I 0:03:13.240 --> 0:03:16.560 was doing it part time, very part time. And when 0:03:16.560 --> 0:03:19.919 I went back, I had three hours like a chunk 0:03:20.560 --> 0:03:22.919 off the day where I wasn't feeding my daughter, felt 0:03:22.919 --> 0:03:24.840 like I got a three hour chunk. Usually should be feeding, 0:03:24.919 --> 0:03:26.519 you know, over two hours, but there was this one 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:28.959 little moment where it was between nine pm and twelve am, 0:03:29.280 --> 0:03:32.440 and that's where I would do my best way. Yeah, 0:03:32.520 --> 0:03:34.960 so I definitely became the night out because of that. 0:03:35.000 --> 0:03:37.160 And it was amazing, though, how little sleep I got 0:03:37.160 --> 0:03:39.680 and how energized I felt during that period of my life. 0:03:39.720 --> 0:03:42.040 And I think it was because I just love the research, 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:44.680 and it was, yeah, it was you know, compared to 0:03:44.760 --> 0:03:46.760 maybe you know, mums that would maybe spend that time 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:49.560 cleaning or you know, kind of numbing out right from 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:51.960 the day because you're exhausted. I felt like I was 0:03:52.000 --> 0:03:54.360 really recharging when I got to, you know, spend that 0:03:54.440 --> 0:03:55.320 time doing research. 0:03:55.320 --> 0:03:57.920 So I just woke up feeling great. 0:03:58.400 --> 0:04:00.720 Isn't it funny when you're doing something and it feels 0:04:00.880 --> 0:04:05.720 like your purpose or your reason or your mission more 0:04:05.760 --> 0:04:10.000 than just a requirement or a job or a thing 0:04:10.040 --> 0:04:13.400 you've got to do to create an outcome. How much 0:04:13.560 --> 0:04:18.119 more energy and excitement and enjoyment you have in that process. 0:04:18.440 --> 0:04:19.920 It feels so different. 0:04:20.040 --> 0:04:22.320 And I know when I was doing a lot of 0:04:22.320 --> 0:04:24.200 therapy with mums and they're like, I just can't fit 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:26.320 this in my day. I'm so exhausted, you know, looking 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:28.280 at what they were sitting their energy and time. It 0:04:28.279 --> 0:04:30.560 it is sometimes hard to explain. You know, it's not 0:04:30.640 --> 0:04:34.680 necessarily swapping out something for something, you know, it's actually 0:04:34.720 --> 0:04:37.880 like the energizing stuff, right, how much energy depleting stuff 0:04:37.880 --> 0:04:40.479 that we have on our plates as mums and then yeah, 0:04:40.560 --> 0:04:42.520 really being able to add in some of our passions 0:04:42.560 --> 0:04:44.320 and things that we actually love back and how that 0:04:44.360 --> 0:04:46.839 actually gives us more what feels like more times? 0:04:47.680 --> 0:04:53.479 Can I ask you free kid to post kid, did 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:58.160 your body change in any way, like as in you 0:04:58.200 --> 0:05:00.760 just seem to do better on less sleep or you 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:03.800 need more sleep? Or of course your body changed, but 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:05.960 I'm not talking about that, but in terms of the reset, 0:05:06.120 --> 0:05:09.440 like the default setting, or do you think it's more 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:12.560 that you're thinking in your mind and your attitudes and 0:05:12.720 --> 0:05:15.400 just your priorities changed or something else. 0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:18.320 Oh it's a good one because I got diagnosed with 0:05:18.360 --> 0:05:22.320 an audioary disease after I had my son, so I 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:24.280 guess I potentially could have had that before though, so 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:25.160 I wouldn't really know. 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:27.240 But that changed. 0:05:27.480 --> 0:05:31.520 I think I became because I'm a mom, right, you 0:05:31.560 --> 0:05:33.960 know you've got limited time. I think I became a 0:05:34.040 --> 0:05:36.279 bit more of a doer than I was before because 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:37.440 it had such limited time. 0:05:37.440 --> 0:05:40.480 And I think I actually became probably be more driven, because. 0:05:40.279 --> 0:05:43.360 Before, I guess I didn't feel like I was like, oh, 0:05:43.400 --> 0:05:45.200 you know, you've got time for that. You know eventually 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:46.800 I'll get to that. But when you're a mom, you're like, 0:05:46.880 --> 0:05:48.960 oh my gosh, like I need to get these things done, 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:50.719 and I want I want to do all these things. 0:05:50.760 --> 0:05:52.880 So I think, yeah, I became a bit more driven, 0:05:52.920 --> 0:05:57.919 if anything, and probably more intentional. 0:05:58.000 --> 0:06:01.599 I think with my time and my any, I feel 0:06:01.640 --> 0:06:06.560 like sometimes when we don't have to do something right, 0:06:06.600 --> 0:06:08.400 we know that we can put it off and it's 0:06:08.440 --> 0:06:09.320 probably not going. 0:06:09.320 --> 0:06:13.120 To be catastrophic. Right we go, I'll do it Monday, 0:06:13.200 --> 0:06:15.120 or i'll do it next week, or i'll do it soon, 0:06:15.279 --> 0:06:18.320 or I'll do and then sometimes that you know, tomorrow 0:06:18.440 --> 0:06:21.479 or next week or soon on January one, or whatever 0:06:21.560 --> 0:06:25.640 the date or the number is in your head, will 0:06:25.640 --> 0:06:28.120 Now we're seven years down the track, and now I'm 0:06:28.160 --> 0:06:30.960 still not doing the thing that I've been talking about doing. 0:06:31.640 --> 0:06:35.520 And for seven years I've been explaining to myself and 0:06:35.640 --> 0:06:39.719 rationalizing with myself why I don't need to do it now, 0:06:39.760 --> 0:06:43.919 and then sometimes reality, which could be you know, health, 0:06:44.000 --> 0:06:46.520 or it could be something else, but kind of punches 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:48.320 you in the face and goes, well, now you don't 0:06:48.320 --> 0:06:50.719 have a choice. Now you've got to deal with it. 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:55.120 Now you've backed yourself into a metaphoric corner where you 0:06:55.160 --> 0:06:56.400 can't put this off now. 0:06:57.120 --> 0:06:58.080 Yeah, that's so true. 0:06:58.080 --> 0:07:00.719 And I think sometimes motherhood can act so create the 0:07:00.720 --> 0:07:03.440 perfect conditions for avoidance because a lot of people will say, 0:07:03.880 --> 0:07:05.680 now it's not the time, I've got young kids. I'll 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:08.279 wait till they're older. And it actually can become harder 0:07:08.320 --> 0:07:11.160 when they're older, because it doesn't stop. You know, you 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:13.680 become a parent to a school age childe. You've got 0:07:13.800 --> 0:07:15.720 you know those after school sports and things like that. 0:07:15.800 --> 0:07:18.080 You've got you know, teenagers, you're dropping them off places 0:07:18.160 --> 0:07:20.720 or you're helping them out with certain things. And then 0:07:20.720 --> 0:07:23.680 you've got adults and your grandparent life. So it actually 0:07:23.680 --> 0:07:26.960 doesn't stop. And when we look at these external conditions. 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:30.280 And we realize it's it's really not about that. 0:07:30.320 --> 0:07:32.240 It's actually about how we're approaching it and how we're 0:07:32.240 --> 0:07:33.960 seeing it, and we can neither use it as fuel 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:36.080 to get stuff done, or we can use that as 0:07:36.160 --> 0:07:37.920 almost like a barrier. 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:41.240 Now, I don't know if this is appropriate or inappropriate, 0:07:41.280 --> 0:07:43.200 So if it's inappropriate, we'll take it out. 0:07:43.320 --> 0:07:44.600 Doc, Yeah, worried? 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:48.080 So how long how old is your son? Firstly, he 0:07:48.320 --> 0:07:51.680 can and for how long have you been a single 0:07:51.720 --> 0:07:52.960 mom or a single parent? 0:07:54.480 --> 0:07:56.240 So three years? So when he was seven? 0:07:56.360 --> 0:07:56.640 Right? 0:07:57.720 --> 0:07:58.240 Is eight? 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:02.520 So does right? So you've got and a ten year old? 0:08:02.640 --> 0:08:03.840 Yeah? 0:08:03.880 --> 0:08:06.119 Are they with you most of the time, all the time, 0:08:06.280 --> 0:08:11.200 half the time the time? Okay? Okay, okay? And so 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:14.880 when you like and this is really common obviously, it's 0:08:14.920 --> 0:08:17.120 not not like you're a unicorners where you and your 0:08:17.160 --> 0:08:21.120 husband aren't together anymore and stuff happens and whatever. You know, 0:08:21.440 --> 0:08:26.120 people move on, people change direction in their life. Right, So, 0:08:26.600 --> 0:08:30.720 how have you had to teach the kids and talk 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:33.320 to the kids and kind of navigate this stuff with 0:08:33.360 --> 0:08:38.239 them emotionally? And being as you're essentially a childhood specialist 0:08:38.320 --> 0:08:42.560 or a kid specialist and a psychologist, do you put 0:08:42.559 --> 0:08:45.320 on the psychology hat or do you just leave on 0:08:45.360 --> 0:08:46.360 the mum hat for that? 0:08:47.080 --> 0:08:49.320 Yeah, it's really interesting because you kind of can fight 0:08:49.320 --> 0:08:52.600 with your brain with that because you can see things, right, yes, 0:08:53.160 --> 0:08:56.880 but yeah, you know your mum, so I think. And 0:08:56.920 --> 0:08:58.719 we've all got our own stories around that too, right, 0:08:58.800 --> 0:09:00.520 So my parents are gray when I was younger, Sae, 0:09:00.520 --> 0:09:04.480 then you've got that kind of lens that I come 0:09:04.520 --> 0:09:04.920 with too. 0:09:05.080 --> 0:09:07.840 So I think it's difficult. 0:09:07.440 --> 0:09:11.640 Because, especially being someone you know who works in the industry, 0:09:11.880 --> 0:09:14.000 there is so much that we can know, but it's 0:09:14.040 --> 0:09:16.720 also so much that's outify control, and so what do 0:09:16.760 --> 0:09:18.760 we do in those situations? Right, Well, we can see 0:09:18.760 --> 0:09:21.160 the situation, we can see things, and then it's like, well, 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:23.360 this is what I can see, this massive bit, but 0:09:23.400 --> 0:09:25.959 I have like a slice of control here and I 0:09:26.040 --> 0:09:28.360 kind of have to have somewhat acceptance of other things. 0:09:28.640 --> 0:09:30.280 And so that's been a really good lesson for me, 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:33.360 and that as well in really focusing again on my 0:09:33.440 --> 0:09:35.240 own growth and also knowing that their story is going 0:09:35.280 --> 0:09:37.760 to be different from my story and supporting them through that. 0:09:38.240 --> 0:09:41.600 Sometimes I think we think it's a separation or the 0:09:41.640 --> 0:09:44.520 divorce that actually harms kids, but what we know it's 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:46.400 really the conflict and that can be in a marriage 0:09:46.440 --> 0:09:48.200 or out of the marriage, right, So it's really trying 0:09:48.200 --> 0:09:51.560 to minimize children's exposure to that, but then also knowing 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:54.560 a lot of the pain comes from people dismissing it, 0:09:54.640 --> 0:09:57.200 right like you know, you're okay, you'll leave what two 0:09:57.280 --> 0:09:59.720 of everything or look at the bright side, just straight 0:09:59.800 --> 0:10:02.000 into kind of problem solving mode, rather than sitting with 0:10:02.040 --> 0:10:04.280 the pain and knowing that for a lot of kids, right, 0:10:04.360 --> 0:10:06.600 like the whole world's kind of fall apart, them having 0:10:06.600 --> 0:10:10.119 to rebuild, and so allowing for I think that transition 0:10:10.240 --> 0:10:12.560 was probably probably one of the most tricky bits for 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:15.160 me and for them, right because we've got again, well 0:10:15.160 --> 0:10:18.480 we're going through different things at the time. But I 0:10:18.520 --> 0:10:23.160 think it is such a good lesson on, I would say, 0:10:23.360 --> 0:10:28.360 being able to really sit with transitions, right because this 0:10:28.440 --> 0:10:31.240 is one part a divorce, those separation, but kids will 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:33.280 lose people in their life. That's another sense of grief 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:35.400 and loss, and so I think these days we are 0:10:35.400 --> 0:10:37.280 trying to kind of protect kids a bit too much 0:10:37.320 --> 0:10:39.920 from that, rather than letting them go through these transitions 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:42.040 and allowing them to sit in that pain or sit 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:45.440 in that yeah, that that face of their life and 0:10:45.440 --> 0:10:45.880 then being. 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:47.679 Able to find the joy within that. 0:10:47.880 --> 0:10:51.000 So I think, yeah, it's been definitely a learning experience 0:10:51.040 --> 0:10:52.079 on a lot of levels. 0:10:52.120 --> 0:10:56.640 For me, that's such an interesting and to me anyway 0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:59.280 refreshing perspective is that sometimes we've got to let the 0:10:59.360 --> 0:11:01.640 kids just sit in the pain and feel that because 0:11:02.200 --> 0:11:04.720 we're going to lose people and grief is part of life. 0:11:05.960 --> 0:11:10.080 In a time when it seems like we're trying to 0:11:10.160 --> 0:11:16.599 protect children from every possible thing all the time, any discomfort, 0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:20.920 any conflict, like so that you know, we're going to 0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:23.960 nerse their world until they're eighteen. We don't want them 0:11:23.960 --> 0:11:26.680 to have to deal with anything hard because you know, 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:29.480 the motives are good. Of course that's a good motive. 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:31.320 I don't want my kid to feel any pain or 0:11:31.320 --> 0:11:34.680 discomfort or but a kid that grows up never having 0:11:34.760 --> 0:11:38.160 to deal with pain or discomfort or uncertainty, you know, 0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:41.920 or any of those things, and people will go, you're 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:44.840 not a fucking parent, I agree. But from the outside 0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:46.960 looking in, it seems like kids having to deal with 0:11:47.040 --> 0:11:50.480 hard things sometimes, you know, as long as there's a 0:11:50.559 --> 0:11:54.040 caring parent, probably not too far away. But being able 0:11:54.120 --> 0:11:57.160 to deal with hardshit is not the worst preparation for 0:11:57.240 --> 0:12:01.520 becoming an adult, for building resilience, for building understanding, for 0:12:01.559 --> 0:12:06.439 building awareness, for being able to solve problems, for being 0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:10.520 able to deal with complexity and difficulty, which is just 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:12.360 the fucking human experience. 0:12:13.440 --> 0:12:15.440 Yeah, and I think you're so right on this. I 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:17.600 see this a lot, and I even experienced this a lot, 0:12:17.600 --> 0:12:20.280 and I can see this. Oh, you know, we're torn, 0:12:20.400 --> 0:12:24.120 right because on one hand, I know that I I mean, 0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:25.959 you know, seeing a child at pain is horrible, right 0:12:26.000 --> 0:12:27.680 because you know, this is like it feels like this 0:12:27.760 --> 0:12:29.839 natural instinct to protect them and you don't want them 0:12:29.880 --> 0:12:32.439 to go through any of the hardships. But also I've 0:12:32.480 --> 0:12:34.880 noticed parents have this story attached, so it's not just 0:12:35.000 --> 0:12:38.280 like my child has failed I don't know school, it's 0:12:38.320 --> 0:12:40.000 like my child is fail school and. 0:12:40.000 --> 0:12:42.080 That means I'm a bad parent and I haven't done enough. 0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:44.080 And so they've got this other story attached, so they 0:12:44.080 --> 0:12:47.160 see a child's failure as a reflection of them. Then 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:50.000 on the other hand, what's really difficult for me looking 0:12:50.000 --> 0:12:52.360 in is I know I've actually learned most of my 0:12:52.440 --> 0:12:55.760 things through failures. I've learned the things that look so 0:12:55.960 --> 0:12:59.160 messy probably from the outside, right, well, the times where 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:01.360 I felt like really not down by life, I've actually 0:13:01.480 --> 0:13:05.240 learned the most and that's character building, I think, And 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:07.800 so I very much like this version of me. But 0:13:07.880 --> 0:13:09.560 then to get this version of me, I had to 0:13:09.559 --> 0:13:12.319 go through these hard things and challenges. So yeah, how 0:13:12.360 --> 0:13:14.640 do we allow children to be able to go through 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:17.480 those things without trying to save them, without trying to 0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:19.520 make it better, all without trying to fix it just 0:13:19.559 --> 0:13:20.920 because that makes us feel good. 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:23.880 That will be the struggle I think for all parents. 0:13:24.280 --> 0:13:29.440 Do you think that sometimes our intended or our intention 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:33.760 to protect them could be unintentionally harming them? 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:37.000 Yeah? Yeah, definitely, And that's the problem. 0:13:37.080 --> 0:13:39.040 People think, well, I've got a good intention about this, 0:13:39.240 --> 0:13:42.439 But I think when we focus on that too much. 0:13:43.600 --> 0:13:45.119 It's almost like we lose perspective. 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:48.199 So, for example, I think if I was my daughter 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:50.880 when I started my PhD, and I think if I 0:13:50.920 --> 0:13:54.560 didn't go through that process, right, the messiness of sitting 0:13:54.559 --> 0:13:56.480 in front of a flaking paper and not knowing what 0:13:56.600 --> 0:13:58.920 to write, and probably having my own little versions of 0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:02.760 adult tantrums, I don't think I would have been able 0:14:02.800 --> 0:14:05.679 to sit with, say when they're trying to figure out 0:14:05.679 --> 0:14:07.800 a you know, their own school work for example, their 0:14:07.840 --> 0:14:10.960 own struggles. And so I think, what we need to 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:13.679 do and be able to get those perspectives. If, for example, 0:14:13.679 --> 0:14:16.400 wild about resilience is do hard things as a parent, 0:14:17.040 --> 0:14:19.280 start to work on your own goals, start to challenge 0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:21.200 yourself with things that you think you can't do, and 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:23.560 so you'll see this other version of yourself come out, 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:25.120 which is one that is like. 0:14:25.520 --> 0:14:27.600 Okay, this is difficult, this is tough. 0:14:27.640 --> 0:14:30.160 And so then we're able to, I guess, create more 0:14:30.200 --> 0:14:32.960 space for children to be able to have those challenges 0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:33.600 as well. 0:14:34.040 --> 0:14:35.440 And it's not even a time issue. 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:37.760 Like if you really were to sit with yourself as 0:14:37.800 --> 0:14:40.040 a parent and say, ten minutes a day, I'm going 0:14:40.080 --> 0:14:42.400 to focus on my passion, ten minutes a day, I'm 0:14:42.400 --> 0:14:45.280 going to focus on content or you know, studying or whatever, you'll. 0:14:45.120 --> 0:14:46.280 Still see how hard that is. 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:49.480 Like everyone can find ten minutes, but it is hard 0:14:49.760 --> 0:14:52.920 to do hard things. But I think we definitely lose 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:55.400 perspective when we are focusing our whole lives on our 0:14:55.480 --> 0:14:57.800 children and like I need to give them all the 0:14:57.840 --> 0:15:00.080 opportunities so that they can have the best life. We 0:15:00.320 --> 0:15:03.360 don't build the resilience and do we because we're trying 0:15:03.400 --> 0:15:05.880 to orchestrate it all for them. 0:15:05.880 --> 0:15:11.000 We're trying to micromanage every minutes and mitigate every potential 0:15:11.200 --> 0:15:15.160 danger and solve every problem before the problem arises. And 0:15:15.200 --> 0:15:18.600 then the kid doesn't know how you know, to be 0:15:18.640 --> 0:15:20.400 able to deal with the hard stuff because they've never 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:24.360 had to. Maybe that's the outcome, or maybe is more inherent. 0:15:24.400 --> 0:15:27.080 But I feel like, you know, like with grown ups, 0:15:27.160 --> 0:15:30.760 I deal with grown ups way more. But you know, 0:15:30.800 --> 0:15:33.040 when I want to help someone with a problem or 0:15:33.080 --> 0:15:35.120 a challenge of grown up, I know that even if 0:15:35.160 --> 0:15:38.760 five people have got the same problem, I need to 0:15:38.800 --> 0:15:41.560 approach it five different ways because I've got five different 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:45.440 humans with five different backgrounds and mindsets and levels of 0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:50.120 understanding and resilience. And so even trying to solve or 0:15:50.160 --> 0:15:55.440 at least address the same issue, generally one have the 0:15:55.480 --> 0:15:57.560 exact same antidote or solution. 0:15:58.520 --> 0:16:01.000 Yes, that's a good point, and I think sometimes different 0:16:01.000 --> 0:16:04.080 skills are needed for different times. So perfect example of this, 0:16:04.200 --> 0:16:07.080 right is of course, play therapy. So we think about 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:10.680 the kids, right like, sometimes we're in situations where they 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:12.760 are faced with a problem, We're like, okay, what can. 0:16:12.640 --> 0:16:14.360 We do, Let's try this? How about this? 0:16:14.920 --> 0:16:17.160 But then there's times, and especially in play, where we 0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:18.800 have the space to do this right, we're not trying 0:16:18.800 --> 0:16:20.160 to rush out the door or at eight am to 0:16:20.200 --> 0:16:22.560 get to school. Well, we have time to sit with 0:16:22.600 --> 0:16:24.880 it and allow them to find their own problem solving. 0:16:24.920 --> 0:16:27.360 So a perfect example of this right is a child 0:16:27.440 --> 0:16:30.400 wanting to create, say a car out of the cardboard box. 0:16:30.760 --> 0:16:33.680 Now what we learn as in a teaching kind of perspective, right, 0:16:33.720 --> 0:16:35.840 We'll say they'll say, you know, I want to build 0:16:35.880 --> 0:16:37.400 this car, and you'll be like, oh, I have the 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:39.880 best thing for this. I've got red paint here, I've 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:42.120 got a you know, paper plate. We could use a 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:44.240 steering wheel. How about we you know, do these wheels. 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:46.160 And every time they come up with something, we're going 0:16:46.240 --> 0:16:48.640 to try and make it better. Okay, we're kind of 0:16:48.720 --> 0:16:51.600 filling the gaps with that, but with the child's centered 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:54.240 play therapy, those kind of skills. When we're sitting with 0:16:54.280 --> 0:16:56.040 the child, the child will say I want to build 0:16:56.040 --> 0:16:58.480 a red car. And so we're sitting there and we're like, okay, 0:16:58.680 --> 0:17:01.160 sounds like you've got a plan, and they're like, but 0:17:01.200 --> 0:17:03.560 I don't know what to do with the wheels. You 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:05.960 might say, hmm, you seem a bit stuck. 0:17:06.119 --> 0:17:07.920 I'm not sure what to do next. 0:17:08.520 --> 0:17:11.160 Do you see how I'm not fixing out, I'm reflecting back. 0:17:11.200 --> 0:17:13.400 So I'm reflecting back the content of what they're doing. 0:17:13.440 --> 0:17:16.679 I'm reflecting back the feeling. I might even reflect back 0:17:16.720 --> 0:17:19.040 the effort. Right, you know, you're trying really hard to 0:17:19.040 --> 0:17:22.359 figure this next bit out and then I'm pausing. And 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:24.880 so what that allows them is space to think about 0:17:24.920 --> 0:17:26.639 this their own internal voice. 0:17:26.720 --> 0:17:28.560 Now they may come up with a solution that we. 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:30.080 Think, oh my god, that's not going to work, or 0:17:30.600 --> 0:17:32.680 you know, we could have used something else better, But hey, 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:34.919 we're sitting with that and we're letting that play out. 0:17:35.119 --> 0:17:37.199 And that is so hard for us adults because we 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:40.080 lead the problem solving bit and we can see this vision. 0:17:40.800 --> 0:17:42.680 What we're not allowing them to do is to go 0:17:42.720 --> 0:17:45.880 through their own what would you call it experimenting right 0:17:46.040 --> 0:17:48.720 with things like let them experience it not working out, 0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:51.919 or let them experience a substandard version of what you 0:17:51.960 --> 0:17:53.920 thought that car was, because guess what the next bit 0:17:54.040 --> 0:17:56.719 is actually them playing a character with that car, and 0:17:56.800 --> 0:17:59.680 that is what they're trying to get to. It's probably 0:17:59.720 --> 0:18:01.680 a lot of the time not so much about the car, 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:03.800 but actually what that car was intended to do in 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:07.600 the place. So I think that's a really good example 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:11.040 of again giving spaces where we have the time and 0:18:11.080 --> 0:18:14.480 the space to actually allow their own internal kind of concepts. 0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:14.600 To come out. 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:19.800 I love that so much. I feel like, you know, 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:24.000 as the parent or the adult, or the teacher, even 0:18:24.080 --> 0:18:27.040 even adults. Working with adults is like to create a 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:31.120 context or an environment or a situation where they have 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:34.360