WEBVTT - Stuck On the Roundabout: Why Overthinking Keeps You Stuck and How to Get Moving Again 0:00:05.840 --> 0:00:09.000 Everyone, it's Carli here and welcome to you. This week's 0:00:09.039 --> 0:00:13.800 Mojo Monday. So imagine being stuck on a roundabout, so 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:16.320 you're going round and round and round, and you actually 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:21.520 can't see the exit roads, so you know that they're there, 0:00:21.520 --> 0:00:24.400 but you can't find which road is going to take 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:27.280 you out, so you just keep going round and round. 0:00:28.240 --> 0:00:31.400 And that's what it's like when we ruminate. Our thoughts 0:00:31.480 --> 0:00:36.400 go in this repetitive loop, circling the same situation over 0:00:36.479 --> 0:00:40.080 and over again, trying to think our way out, trying 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:43.279 to problem solve, trying to get rid of the thoughts, 0:00:43.800 --> 0:00:47.960 but getting nowhere. And in Japanese psychology there's a term 0:00:48.000 --> 0:00:53.560 for this, and it's called torowere, and put simply, it's 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:58.440 when your mind gets caught so caught in your thoughts, 0:00:58.960 --> 0:01:03.800 caught in your and your feelings, you know, caught trying 0:01:03.880 --> 0:01:07.920 to figure it all out. And in Marita therapy, to 0:01:08.160 --> 0:01:13.039 awere is described as a state of mental preoccupation, which 0:01:13.080 --> 0:01:17.200 is when your attention becomes fixated on what's bothering you. 0:01:17.840 --> 0:01:20.880 So it's quite normal to do this. The more attention 0:01:21.080 --> 0:01:24.640 you give it, the more intense it feels, and the 0:01:24.720 --> 0:01:27.080 harder it is to step out of it, so it 0:01:27.080 --> 0:01:31.440 becomes this self reinforcing loop. But there's a real cost 0:01:31.520 --> 0:01:35.679 to this because when all of your attention gets pulled 0:01:35.720 --> 0:01:40.319 into your thoughts, your world starts to narrow. It affects 0:01:40.319 --> 0:01:44.920 what you do, what you don't do. You can hesitate, 0:01:45.200 --> 0:01:50.680 you avoid, you over analyze, you stop doing the things 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:54.480 that are really important to you, and over time, you 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:59.400 just stop taking action. And that's one of the key consequences. 0:01:59.520 --> 0:02:04.760 It leads to inaction and reduced quality of life. And 0:02:04.800 --> 0:02:07.960 what's interesting is this doesn't just happen in your own 0:02:08.000 --> 0:02:12.880 mind anymore. Torawerre can actually become shared. So you might 0:02:13.040 --> 0:02:16.919 notice in conversations when you're going over the same issues 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:20.880 again and again, you know, like in grip chats where 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:25.640 everyone is validating the same frustration, or even on social media, 0:02:26.120 --> 0:02:30.640 where the algorithm keeps feeding you this content that reflects 0:02:30.680 --> 0:02:34.280 exactly how you feel. So instead of stepping out of 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:37.760 the roundabout or driving out of the roundabout, you've now 0:02:37.840 --> 0:02:42.520 got multiple lanes feeding into it. And this means more attention, 0:02:43.120 --> 0:02:47.800 more reinforcement, more time spent in the loop. And there's 0:02:47.800 --> 0:02:51.240 a word for this actually got from Ethan Cross's book 0:02:52.360 --> 0:02:57.480 called shift tis a research psychologist, and it's called co rumination. 0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:02.359 And while it can feel supported and even comforting in 0:03:02.360 --> 0:03:06.040 that moment, it can actually deepen that state of totuwerre. 0:03:07.360 --> 0:03:10.320 So how do we get off the roundabout? The first 0:03:10.360 --> 0:03:13.640 step is to take a step back and ask yourself 0:03:14.040 --> 0:03:17.880 what here is actually within my control and what isn't 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:20.800 Because often our attention is locked on the things that 0:03:20.840 --> 0:03:25.239 we can't control. So if we gently shift our attention 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:30.400 towards what we can influence. And this is where old 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:35.160 wisdom and modern psychology meet. So in the book Shift, 0:03:35.280 --> 0:03:38.720 Ethan Cross talks about the importance of shifting our attention 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:43.640 and in Marita therapy, the shift isn't about controlling your thoughts. 0:03:44.200 --> 0:03:47.680 It's about changing your relationship with them. And there's a 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:52.040 concept called arrogamama, which is allowing things to be as 0:03:52.080 --> 0:03:54.760 they are. If you've been listening to this podcast for 0:03:54.760 --> 0:03:56.400 a while, you would have heard me talk about this 0:03:56.600 --> 0:04:01.640 many times. This is my favorite Japanese concept, arugamama. It 0:04:01.720 --> 0:04:05.680 doesn't mean that you like the thoughts or the emotions. 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:08.080 You're not trying to get rid of them. You just 0:04:08.240 --> 0:04:12.840 let them be. It is what it is because the 0:04:12.920 --> 0:04:17.440 goal isn't to eliminate the thoughts or even to feel 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:21.039 better straight away. The goal is to live fully even 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:24.760 with the inevitable challenges and the uncertainty that comes with 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:28.799 being human. And this is where the shift happens. Instead 0:04:28.839 --> 0:04:32.200 of trying to think your way out, you move into action. 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:37.600 In Marita therapy, change doesn't come from controlling how you feel. 0:04:38.240 --> 0:04:41.719 It comes from what you do next, even with the 0:04:41.800 --> 0:04:48.120 thoughts there. So personally, what I have found really helpful 0:04:48.560 --> 0:04:50.760 is when I notice that I get stuck in this 0:04:50.839 --> 0:04:54.560 state of totawero, I first get clear on what I 0:04:54.600 --> 0:04:58.360 can actually control, and if in that moment there's nothing 0:04:58.400 --> 0:05:02.680 I can do to solve the problem, I'll do something constructive. 0:05:02.800 --> 0:05:05.920 So I will tidy up. I'll do a bit of admin, 0:05:06.080 --> 0:05:08.839 like paying bills. A might clean one shelf on the 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:12.680 kitchen cupboard, or do something that I haven't got round 0:05:12.680 --> 0:05:15.839 to doing before. It doesn't have to be big, but 0:05:15.960 --> 0:05:18.080 these are things that I can focus on, I can 0:05:18.160 --> 0:05:23.560 put my focus on. They are constructive and flexible use 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:26.400 of my intention. I could easily go to my phone 0:05:26.440 --> 0:05:30.400 and scroll mindlessly. That's another use of my attention, but 0:05:30.480 --> 0:05:34.000 these are constructive uses and at the end of it, 0:05:34.240 --> 0:05:37.520 there's a sense of accomplishment and it doesn't matter how 0:05:37.560 --> 0:05:42.080 small the task is. So that's how we step off 0:05:42.080 --> 0:05:47.240 the roundabout, not by finding the perfect thought or solving 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:52.120 the problem of the rumination, but by loosening our grip 0:05:52.160 --> 0:05:56.200 on it, shifting our attention and taking action in the 0:05:56.279 --> 0:06:01.120 direction of what matters, and over time that's what expands 0:06:01.120 --> 0:06:05.800 our lives again, So have a great week everyone. I 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:08.960 hope that was valuable and I'll catch you next week. 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:09.520 See ya.