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Speaker 1: Just before we get into the podcast, I have a

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Speaker 1: fever to ask, and it's a little big fever in

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Speaker 1: that it'll take you a very little amount of time

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Speaker 1: but can have a big impact if you're enjoying the podcast,

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Speaker 1: Can I get you to jump into whatever podcast player,

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Speaker 1: whether it's Apple Podcasts, Spotify or whatever, and click on

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Speaker 1: leave a review and just leave this review because they

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Speaker 1: really really help to actually get the podcast up the

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Speaker 1: charts and to grow the podcast. So straight onto the podcast. Now,

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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome to another edition of Mojo Monday's with

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Speaker 1: myself and coach Carly.

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Speaker 2: Hello, Hi everybody. So we're going to talk today about

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Speaker 2: being useful because we did a podcast a few weeks

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Speaker 2: ago we were talking about self worth and we talked

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Speaker 2: about rather than looking at worthiness and how worthy we are,

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Speaker 2: we can look at usefulness. So I thought that would

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Speaker 2: be a good topic to kind of expand on.

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Speaker 1: It's a very good topic to expand on. But my

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Speaker 1: spider senses are tingling here. Has this got anything to

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Speaker 1: do with the fact that in thirty six hours we

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Speaker 1: are going overseas and I haven't contributed one iota to

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Speaker 1: the packing as yet.

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Speaker 2: So you better start than useful yes from now straight

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Speaker 2: after this.

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Speaker 1: Podcast Lightning, Clear, Light and Clear. Okay, So I hope

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Speaker 1: you go.

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Speaker 2: So having a life sort of well not a life,

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Speaker 2: but looking at usefulness as a tool. What it does

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Speaker 2: is it redirects your attention away from yourself because as humans,

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Speaker 2: we're very self focused, and some more than others. So

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Speaker 2: you know, where we're stressed or we're anxious, We're often

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Speaker 2: very focused on our internal thoughts and our emotions. And

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Speaker 2: this is something that has really helped me. So when

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Speaker 2: I'm feeling overwhelmed or I'm feeling anxious or worried, I

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Speaker 2: do a couple of things. I ask myself with the thoughts.

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Speaker 2: I look at them and go, are these thoughts useful?

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Speaker 2: And if they're not useful, then I don't have to

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Speaker 2: I don't have to do what my thoughts are saying.

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Speaker 2: I don't have to focus on them, and I can

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Speaker 2: redirect my attention into what is useful. What I've found

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Speaker 2: is that if we can take the focus away from

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Speaker 2: ourselves and onto what can be done, and this can

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Speaker 2: be useful to another person. It can just be useful

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Speaker 2: as what needs to be done in front of me,

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Speaker 2: like the dishes for example. It can be really really helpful.

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Speaker 1: There's probably a couple of elements just as you were talking. There,

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Speaker 1: so two things that we can look up. One is

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Speaker 1: this whole idea of being self focused, and Western psychology

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Speaker 1: is particularly self focused, especially psychoanalytical psychology. You know, the

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Speaker 1: whole liedown on accounts. Let's talk about your childhood, how

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Speaker 1: you got screwed up, and bring you back together. Yeah, aphrazing,

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Speaker 1: But it is very much a lot of Western psychology

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Speaker 1: is about me, me, me, me me, whereas some of

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Speaker 1: the older philosophical traditions, and people will not be surprised.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to bring up stoicism here is about external

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Speaker 1: focus and that whole idea about being useful. Marcus really

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Speaker 1: has talked about being a good man, and we actually

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Speaker 1: have a poster that you bought me is stopped talking

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Speaker 1: about what a good man should be and be one right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and that's really about Their whole thing was about arata

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Speaker 1: and character and being a good citizen like that was

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Speaker 1: hugely important for the Stoics, is being a good citizen

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Speaker 1: and that's external right, that is about being useful.

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Speaker 2: Do you think do you think of that? I just

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Speaker 2: thought of this and I know that talk therapy has

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Speaker 2: helped many, many people. But you think about how many

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Speaker 2: hours you spend in therapy or how many hours you

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Speaker 2: spend focusing on yourself when you could be actually out

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Speaker 2: there being really useful in the world.

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Speaker 1: Yes, now that's right, and and so and I've actually

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Speaker 1: been developing. We were bouncing this back and forth for

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Speaker 1: my new website. Spoiler alert. I've got a new website

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Speaker 1: coming up, and the podcast name is going to change

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Speaker 1: to The Pole Tailor Podcast. But anyway, that is a

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Speaker 1: spoiler alert. Yes, I was writing down the other night.

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Speaker 1: I was just sort of doodling about stuff about, you know,

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Speaker 1: some guides for living a life and and and firstly

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Speaker 1: I think, and I can't remember all of it, but

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Speaker 1: one is life is hard, accept it, right. And so

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Speaker 1: the second one is you need to do the work.

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Speaker 1: So if life is hard, you need to do the

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Speaker 1: work to prepare yourself for a hard life, right. And

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Speaker 1: that a forged mind it forwards like a sword, you know,

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Speaker 1: the old sword forwards that that is how we get toughened,

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Speaker 1: is but for going that through that, But a forged

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Speaker 1: mind is enabled by the body, right, So it's about

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Speaker 1: doing the work. The physical stuff. They exercise, the good nutrition,

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Speaker 1: the sleep hiding, the breath work, all of that supports

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Speaker 1: are gives all the sustenance for a healthy brain slash

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Speaker 1: mind that you can then go and become stress adapted, right,

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Speaker 1: whereas if your brain isn't in a great state. But anyway,

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Speaker 1: the next thing that the next point on that was

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Speaker 1: about find a tribe. That was my point, because everybody

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Speaker 1: needs a tribe. And then my next point, and I

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Speaker 1: actually haven't shown yet, is be useful.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, yeah, so because that's going to increase that's

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Speaker 2: going to increase connection, isn't it. If you're useful to others.

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Speaker 2: It enhances the connection that you have with people. And

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Speaker 2: that's what we need to to feel good and to

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Speaker 2: be well, is those beautiful connections with others. So that

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Speaker 2: that relates to that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and that'd be useful. And that's actually the little

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Speaker 1: story you told me. I think it was last week

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Speaker 1: when Oscar was walking to school and this old lady

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Speaker 1: was out and he saw that she was struggling to

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Speaker 1: put her bins out. Yeah, went over and asked her

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Speaker 1: if she needed any help, and she said, oh, yes, please,

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Speaker 1: and you know, so he helped her out and she

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Speaker 1: had a little chat with them and stuff like that.

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Speaker 1: And then I think he actually called you, didn't he

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Speaker 1: because he just did felt he felt so good helping

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Speaker 1: her out. And that's you know, it's a neat. You

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Speaker 1: got a little twelve year old boy who sudden old

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Speaker 1: lady and feels so good about it that he wants

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Speaker 1: to call his mom and talk about it.

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Speaker 2: And yeah, and she she would have felt good as well.

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Speaker 2: So it's those little micro connections, those opportunities to have

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Speaker 2: a micro connection with somebody. So both of you have

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Speaker 2: those little little troop of hormones that make you feel good.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely so. And this I think there's being useful.

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Speaker 1: And the reason again that this has popped into my mind.

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Speaker 1: I was doing a workshop yesterday and I was talking

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Speaker 1: to people about purpose in life and a purpose exercise,

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Speaker 1: and I said, some people may have heard me talk

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Speaker 1: about this on the podcast, Like, it's not about saving

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Speaker 1: the world. It's not about you you have to change

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Speaker 1: the world or you know, find a solution to global warming.

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Speaker 1: It's just like, how can your little corner of the

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Speaker 1: universe be better for you having being in it? Roughly

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Speaker 1: trans how can you be useful to those around you?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's it's not only that too, it's it's

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Speaker 2: how can I be useful in this moment? You know,

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Speaker 2: there is always something to do. There's a book called

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Speaker 2: Constructive Living by David Reynolds and it's based on Marita therapy.

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Speaker 2: It's but it is about accepting your situation as it is,

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Speaker 2: accepting the emotions that come up as being human and

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Speaker 2: with not with instead of struggling with those emotions. It's

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Speaker 2: like looking outward and going, how can I be useful

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Speaker 2: in this moment? And what I find is that if

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Speaker 2: I and it's not about distraction, it's just about coexisting

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Speaker 2: with how you're feeling, but getting things done, and that

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Speaker 2: if you can tick things off even when you're feeling

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Speaker 2: really crap, then that's going to be that little thing

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Speaker 2: that is going to make you feel good by default.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and so that being useful You're what I'm hearing

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Speaker 1: from you is you can either be useful for other

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Speaker 1: people and that's really important to do in the big

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Speaker 1: scheme of things, and be a useful tribe member, but

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Speaker 1: also you can be useful for yourself and especially when

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Speaker 1: you're struggling. Right, Yes, So that's the Aregamama that you

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Speaker 1: talk about right with that.

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Speaker 2: That's right with things as they are, what needs to

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Speaker 2: be done, and then observing your thoughts and observing them

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Speaker 2: as are they useful or not? Are they helping me

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Speaker 2: right now or not? And if they are, then great,

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Speaker 2: that's good, you're solving problems. If they're not, then okay,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to turn my attention to something that is useful.

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Speaker 1: Yes, very cool. So it can be personal, it can

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Speaker 1: be for somebody else. It can be about thoughts. It

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Speaker 1: can also be about actions. Right, yeah, and now a

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Speaker 1: quick break for a word from our sponsors. Tell this.

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Speaker 1: So if you're having an unhelpful thought and you recognize it,

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Speaker 1: so the first thing is self awareness, right that you're

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Speaker 1: in this self focused, bloody vortex that might be dragging

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Speaker 1: you don't. So the first thing is to catch yourself

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Speaker 1: on to have that awareness, a bit of meta cognition,

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Speaker 1: to think about what you're thinking about right now, realizing okay,

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Speaker 1: that is not useful and is it a better strategy

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Speaker 1: To then turn your attention to what might a useful

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Speaker 1: thought be or are you better going to action? Or

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Speaker 1: does it depend on the circumstance.

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Speaker 2: I think it depends on the circumstances. Yeah. I mean

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Speaker 2: I've had times where I have recognized a thought as

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Speaker 2: being unhelpful or not useful, and so I have deliberately,

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Speaker 2: actually consciously gone, well, what is going to be useful

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Speaker 2: for me if I just don't know or if I'm

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Speaker 2: really struggling with the emotion. And that's the hardest part

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Speaker 2: is when the thoughts and the strong emotions come, then

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Speaker 2: I find moving my body, moving my hands, doing something,

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Speaker 2: whether it's just cleaning up, whether it's just making the bed,

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Speaker 2: or whether I'm going to go and do some exercise

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Speaker 2: just to have that little reprieve. But it's about moving

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Speaker 2: an action.

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Speaker 1: Oh you know what, It just reminded me of my

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Speaker 1: little discharge recharge. Yeah, perfect reset. Right, So, and this

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Speaker 1: I think is really useful when you notice that you're

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Speaker 1: in that vortex, so the discharge is and that whole

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Speaker 1: what would be useful? What would be useful right now?

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Speaker 1: As a reset? And you need to realize that when

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Speaker 1: you're having those negative emotions, there are all sorts of

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Speaker 1: hormones going on in your body. There's stress hormones, You're

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Speaker 1: possibly in a meg deal of hijack. What you've got

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Speaker 1: to do is discharge those stress hormones. Right, they are

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Speaker 1: there to eneable you to fight or to run away.

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Speaker 1: And you can discharge those stress hormones with a thirty

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Speaker 1: second sprint, right, Just sprinting on the spot for thirty

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Speaker 1: seconds will discharge those stress hormones. Right then you recharge.

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Speaker 1: So it's going to take a little bit of time.

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Speaker 1: You need to get a couple of breaths. You know,

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Speaker 1: you'll be blowing out your arse, particularly if you're not

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Speaker 1: in shape. But then it's just slowly getting control of

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Speaker 1: your breathing, whether you want to do box breathing or

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Speaker 1: you want to do resonant frequency in for four out

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Speaker 1: for six. As I said, it'll take a little bit

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Speaker 1: of time for you to grab a hold of it

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Speaker 1: if you've just been sprinting on the spot. And then

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Speaker 1: it's a reset. It's a psychological reset, so you can

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Speaker 1: either reframe the context that you're in or you can

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Speaker 1: now go, okay, what would a more useful thought be

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Speaker 1: or what would then more useful strategy be, so that discharge,

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Speaker 1: recharge reset and can be a really useful thing. And

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Speaker 1: it's just about manipulating your physiology and changing your brain stack.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, perfect, very useful, very good.

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Speaker 1: Does that? Does that excuse me from packing or not?

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Speaker 2: No, it doesn't. Right, we've got to finish here and

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Speaker 2: you've got to start packing.

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Speaker 1: I think that. I think folks, I think we're we're

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Speaker 1: all very clear that this is the end of the

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Speaker 1: podcast this week, and I am off to make myself useful.

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Speaker 1: Catch you next time.

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Speaker 2: See Yeah,