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Speaker 1: He everyone, it's CALLI here for this week's Mojo Monday.

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Speaker 1: So the last couple of days, my body has been

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Speaker 1: in pretty much a heightened state of anxiety, so I

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Speaker 1: thought I would talk about what it has felt like

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Speaker 1: for me and what I did about it. So before

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Speaker 1: I do that, I just want to talk about anxiety

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Speaker 1: in general, because it's important that we are wise to

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Speaker 1: our experience of anxiety. So wisdom is part of the

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Speaker 1: four Stoic virtues, and it really is the umbrella to

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Speaker 1: the others, because if we are not wise to what

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Speaker 1: is going on in our mind and our body, we

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Speaker 1: can end up so reactive and out of control. So

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Speaker 1: let's develop our wisdom so we can better respond to

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Speaker 1: our anxiety. So anxiety go up at any time. And

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Speaker 1: I'm talking less about anxiety disorders and more about the

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Speaker 1: everyday experience of anxiety, which certainly doesn't mean that it's

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Speaker 1: not hard. So you can be under very difficult circumstances

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Speaker 1: and feeling incredible distress without it being a disorder. And

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Speaker 1: I think the lines can really be blurred here because

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Speaker 1: so much of this is about context and our capacity

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Speaker 1: to tolerate the stress that comes in. And one thing

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Speaker 1: that has helped me is putting a bit of separation

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Speaker 1: between the thoughts and the physical experience of anxiety. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: anxiety starts with the worried thoughts about a possible danger

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Speaker 1: in the future, and then our body reacts to that.

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Speaker 1: But sometimes the body reacts first, so you know, it

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Speaker 1: could be that tight chest or that sort of buzzing

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Speaker 1: energy or the racing heart long before the mind has

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Speaker 1: a story or a narrative to a to it. And

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Speaker 1: so that's why anxiety can feel so complex and confusing.

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Speaker 1: But either way, the experience can be incredibly distressing, and

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Speaker 1: because it's uncomfortable, our instinct is to try and control it,

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Speaker 1: to force ourselves back to quote unquote normal. But that's

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Speaker 1: where we often get stuck. So the harder we try

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Speaker 1: to control the sensations that can't be completely controlled, the

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Speaker 1: more anxious we become about being anxious. And then suddenly

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Speaker 1: we're in a spiral. Our world narrows and everything fades

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Speaker 1: into the background while we focus put all our attention

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Speaker 1: onto what is happening inside our body. So, in a nutshell,

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Speaker 1: it's not the anxiety itself that is the real problem.

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Speaker 1: The problem lies in our capacity to experience it. While

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Speaker 1: it's there. So it's our tolerance of the anxiety, and

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Speaker 1: that's what determines whether anxiety becomes a wave that we

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Speaker 1: ride or something that clouds are life and we start

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Speaker 1: making decisions based on avoidance rather than on our values,

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Speaker 1: the things that are important to us, the person we

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Speaker 1: want to be, how we want to live our life.

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Speaker 1: So learning to increase that tolerance and to develop acceptance

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Speaker 1: means that we can still live the life that we

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Speaker 1: want and ride the anxiety a wave until it dissipates.

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Speaker 1: So back to me and my experience of anxiety over

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Speaker 1: the last forty eight hours or so. So, my nineteen

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Speaker 1: year old daughter put a pack on her back, and

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Speaker 1: the other day I said goodbye to her at the

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Speaker 1: airport as she headed off to Central America. Now, as

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Speaker 1: you can imagine, saying goodbye to your child wherever she

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Speaker 1: decided to travel is really, really difficult. This is the

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Speaker 1: first time she's gone off on her own. Although she

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Speaker 1: is meeting her cousin over there, she's still traveling thirty hours.

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Speaker 1: I was three flights on her own. I'm full of

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Speaker 1: anxiety because all of a sudden I can't protect her.

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Speaker 1: So of course, all the what ifs are coming into

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Speaker 1: my mind, and my role as a mum and having

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Speaker 1: that sort of protector role has been a major role

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Speaker 1: for pretty much to this point. She is incredibly organized

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Speaker 1: and I have had very little input into any of

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Speaker 1: the plans. So as much as I am very proud

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Speaker 1: that she has done that, again, there is this lack

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Speaker 1: of control for me. So my role as her mother

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Speaker 1: has really pivoted, and I'll be honest, it's been really hard.

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Speaker 1: So in the lead up of going to the airport

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Speaker 1: and then dropping her off and seeing her through to departures,

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Speaker 1: up until now, my nervous system has pretty much been

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Speaker 1: on high alert. So I'll tell you what that feels

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Speaker 1: like for me. So my heart rate is sitting higher

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Speaker 1: than usual, so I've been able to actually feel my

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Speaker 1: heart rate so i can notice that it's higher than usual.

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Speaker 1: I've pretty much had a tightness across my chest, a

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Speaker 1: little bit short of breath, so I've had to sort

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Speaker 1: of take deeper, slower breaths, felt teary at random moments,

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Speaker 1: checking my phone a lot just to check as she's

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Speaker 1: gone on her trip, whether she has text me, just

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Speaker 1: to check that she's at each location. So these are

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Speaker 1: all kind of the classic signs that my system is

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Speaker 1: activated and also that something matters deeply to me, And

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Speaker 1: I think that's really important to know that the reason

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Speaker 1: I am feeling the anxiety is because I obviously love

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Speaker 1: and care for my daughter and want to make sure

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Speaker 1: that she's safe. So what have I actually done with

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Speaker 1: all this anxiety? So the first thing is, I've been

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Speaker 1: really curious about the sensations in my body without trying

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Speaker 1: to change them. I'm just noticing them. I'm allowing them

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Speaker 1: to be there, so there's no fixing and no fighting.

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Speaker 1: So I could have gone straight into breath work to

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Speaker 1: try and control to regulate my physiology, and on another

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Speaker 1: day that might have been exactly what I would choose

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Speaker 1: to do, But in those moments, I knew that focusing

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Speaker 1: on my breath would only make me zoom in more

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Speaker 1: on my physical sensations, and that's not what I needed.

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Speaker 1: So I didn't want to add any pressure by trying

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Speaker 1: to control my physiology. And that's really that was really

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Speaker 1: just a choice and probably the opposite of what many

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Speaker 1: experts would prescribe. That what I was doing is just

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Speaker 1: listening deeply to what I actually needed in that moment,

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Speaker 1: and that was full acceptance. I found just being fully

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Speaker 1: accepting of the anxiety that was showing up was more

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Speaker 1: helpful than trying to regulate it. The other thing that

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Speaker 1: I've done is something that the stoics call the view

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Speaker 1: from above, and this is really powerful. It's a reminder

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Speaker 1: to zoom out, to take the wider perspective, because the

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Speaker 1: fears that I have they're not real. They're not right now.

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Speaker 1: And of course, yes, the what ifs that come into

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Speaker 1: our head, they could come true. And that's the nature

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Speaker 1: of parenting. Really, We're always going to have those what

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Speaker 1: ifs in our mind. But I knew in the moment

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Speaker 1: they're just predictions in a crystal ball that doesn't exist.

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Speaker 1: So when I take the view from above, I can

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Speaker 1: see exactly what's really happening. I'm her mother, and of

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Speaker 1: of course my instinct is to protect her. Saying goodbye

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Speaker 1: goes against that instinct, so it makes perfect sense that

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Speaker 1: my nervous system is on high alert. So this view

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Speaker 1: from above is really part of the acceptance work. But

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Speaker 1: the same wider view also shows me something else. It

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Speaker 1: shows me the fruits of my parenting. That she is brave,

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Speaker 1: she's adventurous, she's curious about the world. She's interested in

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Speaker 1: culture's food, people, languages, And yes, her independence makes me anxious,

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Speaker 1: but it also makes me really really proud. So underneath

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Speaker 1: that anxiety is something much bigger. There is a gratitude

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Speaker 1: for who she is becoming. So what that does is

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Speaker 1: it shows me that there is more there than just

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Speaker 1: my anxiety. And so from that perspective, I can imagine

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Speaker 1: my future self looking back on this moment, and I

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Speaker 1: can see that future self thinking, you handled your anxiety

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Speaker 1: without letting it run the show, like you didn't shut

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Speaker 1: your life down. You didn't force her to stay you know,

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Speaker 1: you stayed open, present, and connected. So that view from

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Speaker 1: above brings a lot of steadiness. And something else that

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Speaker 1: I remind myself of this is that thoughts are not facts.

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Speaker 1: You know, they are worried thoughts about the future, and

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Speaker 1: as normal as they are, they're really not helpful. Like

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Speaker 1: she's already gone, and the what if thoughts don't keep

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Speaker 1: her safer. All they do is stir up my nervous system.

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Speaker 1: The only helpful action was to brief her on safety

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Speaker 1: before she left. So yep, okay, they are helpful in

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Speaker 1: that context, and that part is done, so instead of

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Speaker 1: letting my anxiety take the lead. Here, I come back

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Speaker 1: to my compass. Who do I want to be? What

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Speaker 1: kind of mother do I want to be? What kind

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Speaker 1: of person do I want to be? And this is

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Speaker 1: what we can learn from the stoics. They base their

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Speaker 1: life on virtues rather than basing their life always on

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Speaker 1: emotions and thoughts. And so for me, that was or

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Speaker 1: is still that openness to life, that courage in the

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Speaker 1: face of all the uncertainty and the anxiety that's showing up,

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Speaker 1: and the wisdom to choose my actions rather than react

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Speaker 1: from fear, and that compass gives me something solid to

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Speaker 1: orientate towards when my internal world feels really unsteady. And

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Speaker 1: to be honest, my anxiety is still here right now.

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Speaker 1: Even as I speak to you. It has come down

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Speaker 1: a lot because she's now there and I've heard from her,

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Speaker 1: and so my nervous system can have a little break,

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Speaker 1: but you know, it's still there. So I'm not waiting

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Speaker 1: for it to vanish before I can live. You know,

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Speaker 1: I'm riding the wave knowing it is going to rise

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Speaker 1: and fall over the time that she's away. So this

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Speaker 1: morning I got up and I went to the gym,

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Speaker 1: connected with supportive friends, picked my son up from his

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Speaker 1: first job and celebrated that moment with him. And the

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Speaker 1: anxiety has eased, it's come back, it's eased again, and

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Speaker 1: it's resurfaced, and that's okay because that's what it does,

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Speaker 1: and that's what I'm expecting it to do over the

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Speaker 1: next couple of months that she's away. But what it

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Speaker 1: doesn't do. It does not decide how I live my life.

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Speaker 1: I do that. So I really hope if you are

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Speaker 1: struggling with anxiety, or if you know somebody that is

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Speaker 1: going through some stuff right now and you think this

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Speaker 1: could help them, please share. And we always can learn

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Speaker 1: from each other's experience. So have a great week, everybody,

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Speaker 1: and I will catch you next week. Sia